Chapter Text
Chaos had been banned from caffeine for as long as she could remember. Bug was firm about it—too much energy already, he said, and Henry backed him up every time. Even Flicker, who normally encouraged just about every bad idea Chaos came up with, drew the line at coffee.
But Chaos was eight, curious, and absolutely convinced that if everyone else liked coffee so much, then surely she deserved to try it.
The opportunity presented itself one quiet afternoon when Bug and Henry were out fixing up the shed, Vam was reading in her room, Flicker was half-dozing on the couch, Squid was sketching at the table, and Rose was working on the garden outside. The kitchen was unattended—dangerously unattended.
And sitting there, like it was meant for her, was the fresh pot of coffee Henry had made but forgotten to pour.
Chaos crept in on silent feet, her wide eyes darting left and right.
“…just one sip,” she whispered to herself. “They’ll never know.”
The smell hit her first—bitter, strong, exciting. She poured a little into a mug, tried it, and immediately gagged. But instead of stopping, she raided the fridge for milk and grabbed sugar, pouring it into the cup, and stirred until it looked more like sludge than coffee. It tasted amazing. Sweet, warm, powerful.
And one cup became two.
Then three.
By the time she drank the entire pot, Chaos was vibrating. Her hands shook like she’d just been struck by lightning, her pupils wide and glittering with a dangerous kind of glee.
She tore out of the kitchen, screaming:
“I AM THE FASTEST THING ALIVE!”
The first victim was Flicker, who startled awake just in time to see her little sister sprint past, leap onto the couch arm, and launch herself across the room like a rocket.
“Chaos—what—WAIT—” Flicker scrambled up, but Chaos had already disappeared down the hall, her footsteps pounding like a herd of stampeding animals.
Vam opened her door just in time to see Chaos streak by. Her book went flying.
“WHAT IN THE—Chaos?! Why are you—stop running in the—”
But Chaos didn’t stop. She was too busy narrating her own speed.
“WHOOSH—LIGHTNING—ZAP—CAN’T CATCH ME!”
She slid across the kitchen floor on her socks, grabbed Squid’s sketchbook right out of her hands, and shouted:
“ART HEIST COMPLETE! MISSION SUCCESSFUL!”
“HEY—!” Squid shot up, chasing after her.
Bug and Henry walked in from the shed just in time to see a blur of Chaos dart through the living room, Squid chasing, Flicker shouting, and Vam stumbling after them with her book clutched to her chest.
Bug froze. “…oh no.”
Chaos, mid-wall climb, shrieked, “I’VE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE!”
She kicked off the wall, tumbled, landed on the couch, and bounced three times before crashing into Rose, who had just come inside to get some water. The two of them went down in a heap.
“Chaos! What—what happened?!” Rose sputtered, trying to untangle herself.
“I HAVE THE POWER OF TEN SUNS AND NO BEDTIME!” Chaos bellowed.
Rose blinked, dazed as Chaos took off again down the hallway. “...did she just—?”
“She drank the coffee,” Henry said flatly, already sounding tired.
“All of it,” Bug muttered, dragging a hand down his face.
Chaos’s shriek echoed from upstairs. “THE STAIRS ARE MY MOUNTAIN, AND I AM THEIR MASTER!”
Everyone looked up just in time to see her barrel back down the stairs on her stomach like a sled, giggling madly as she hit the floor and bounced up again.
“CHAOS!” Flicker yelped, sprinting after her.
But Chaos was already in the kitchen again, raiding the drawers. Within seconds, she had gathered every spoon in the house and began clanging them together in rhythm.
“WAR DRUMS! WAR DRUMS! TO BATTLE, MY ARMY!”
Squid groaned, clutching her head. “Those are the good spoons—!”
Chaos ignored her, racing to the living room and throwing herself into the half-built pillow fort left from last week. “CASTLE CLAIMED! I AM QUEEN NOW!” She grabbed Flicker’s beanie, plopped it crookedly onto her head, and declared, “BOW BEFORE ME OR FACE MY WRATH!”
Vam, trying to catch her breath from chasing, growled, “You can’t even sit still for two minutes! Give back Flicker’s—”
“NEVER!” Chaos launched herself out of the fort, bounced off the couch cushions, and tumbled onto the rug. Then, springing back up, she twirled dramatically, striking a pose as if she were on stage.
“BEHOLD!” she shouted, juggling three apples she’d grabbed from the counter. She didn’t actually know how to juggle, but that didn’t stop her from yelling, “WITNESS MY GREATNESS!” right before they all smacked right onto her head.
Bug and Henry exchanged a look—Henry with his arms crossed, Bug looking like he was silently calculating whether it was too late to run away.
“This,” Bug said finally, “is your fault. You left the pot out.”
Henry scowled. “Don’t pin this on me. You’re the one who didn’t lock the pantry.”
Meanwhile, Chaos had slipped out the back door, straight into the garden where Rose had been working. She stomped through the flowerbeds, holding two dandelions in her fists.
“THE FLOWERS ARE MY LOYAL SOLDIERS!” she cried. She stuck one behind her ear, another in her hair, and marched in circles around the garden beds. “ONWARD! TO VICTORY!”
Rose ran after her, waving her arms frantically. “No, no, no—Chaos, not the tomatoes!”
But it was too late. Chaos had already plucked one, holding it aloft like a trophy. “THE SACRED FRUIT OF POWER!”
Squid, Flicker, Vam, Rose, Bug, and Henry all spilled into the backyard, each one looking progressively more done than the last.
“Somebody grab her,” Flicker groaned.
“Not it,” Squid said instantly, folding her arms.
Chaos was already halfway up the fence, shouting, “I SHALL FLY! WATCH ME ASCEND!”
“Absolutely not,” Bug called, rushing forward.
“Too late!” Chaos yelled, leaping off the fence and crashing into the grass with a dramatic roll. She popped up unscathed, arms raised in triumph. “I AM IMMORTAL!”
Henry rubbed his temples. “She’s going to keep this up for hours.”
Chaos was now running laps around the garden, her arms flapping as she shouted, “ZOOM—WHOOSH—LIGHTNING STRIKES AGAIN!”
Bug sighed deeply, muttering under his breath, “We’re never getting her to bed tonight.
By the time she finally started slowing down, she crashed into Bug’s arms mid-sprint, going limp instantly.
He caught her with a grunt. “…aaaand she’s out.”
The whole group just stood there, panting, bruised, or covered in couch fluff.
“She’s never drinking coffee again,” Flicker groaned, flopping onto the floor.
Henry gave Bug a look. “You’re locking the beans up from now on.”
Bug sighed, adjusting the sleeping Chaos in his arms. “Yeah. Definitely.”