Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Happy Birthday, ya mean old prick!"

Father and favorite son watched Jay walk out the door with purposeful resolve, and Will could feel the anger at his dad rise to new levels, widening the chasm in his broken heart for Jay.

Tossing some money on the table to pay for dinner, he gave his dad a hard look as he stood.

"Sorry if your birthday's ruined, but Jay's right, you are a mean old prick…" His dad had no reaction to that, at least not externally, but he made sure his next words cut through his dad's indifference as much as the truth of them had cut Jay, probably, most of his life "…and what makes it worse is, you're only ever a mean old prick to Jay, never me, and that probably hurts him more than anything. So if that has been your intention, congratulations, you're a fucking rotten father, not just to Jay but to me too because he's my brother. If it wasn't your intention you're still a rotten father and a fucking idiot on top of it."

He took a breath, wanting to scream but kept his voice even since they were in a public place.

"Jay's been trying. He's been trying to look past how cruel you were at Mom's funeral and when he came home…"

His dad showed the smallest bit of surprise.

"Ya, I didn't know about it at the time, but I know about it now. Jay's your son and I don't know how you could've done that to him no matter what happened at the funeral.

He continues on because his dad is making no move to cut him off, and he wouldn't have let him anyway.

"I blew it with Jay. I should have come home, not just when Mom was dying, but when he got out, when he was hurt. I blew it…" he shook his head at himself, "…I blew it so bad, and I've made amends for it. And Jay, being Jay, told me he forgave me. But I can never make it up to him for what I did or didn't do, but you Dad…"

He sucked a steadying breath, because now he not only wanted to scream, but he wanted to lay his dad out for what he did.

"…you were right here. You saw him and don't try to tell me you didn't notice his injuries…his physical injuries, and you know damn well he had to be struggling, how could you not see that?!

"Did you ever ask if he was okay? Did you ever ask how he got hurt? Did you ever ask if you could do anything for him?"

Goddam he was pissed at his dad, all the anger he didn't realize he had was bubbling to the surface. He knew part of the anger was at himself, and he was taking it out on his dad but he didn't care. His dad deserved all the anger he had to give.

"Did you not hear his nightmares? Because I'm sure he was having them and you ignored them. I know you ignored them…"

He wondered if he should say more, if he'd already said too much, but he kept going.

"Did you know how Jay got injured? Did you know he almost died when their humvee ran over an IED? Did you know he was only one of two survivors that day? Did you even bother to ask? Jay lost six friends that day and was probably a mess on top of his injuries. The VA sent him home to you, because he had nowhere else to go. They sent him home to his dad thinking he would get the help and care he needed.

"The VA was stupid for assuming that, and maybe Jay might have been a little bit stupid for not telling them it wouldn't work, but he chose to come home to you, to his dad, maybe he was hopeful, but he got nothing…nothing.

"Are you hearing me, Dad? Your youngest child almost died, lost six members of his unit, six friends…even if you didn't know what happened, you didn't think he might have started drinking to forget, to cope, drinking because that was his only support and you kick him out instead of at least trying to help him? You could have helped him imperfectly Dad, at least he would have known you cared. Even if it didn't work, even if he would have ended up back at the VA…he would have known you loved him if you tried…

"You would have done it for me…"

That statement coming out of his mouth stopped him in his set down, the truth of it catching him off guard and hurting his heart to think Jay might've had a similar thought.

He was so pissed at his dad that he didn't care if people heard what he was saying. He just didn't give a shit. The thought of how differently his dad would have treated him physically hurt.

He grabbed his jacket and headed toward the door, but turned back and glared at his dad when the cause of his whole rant, the cause of Jay leaving, hit him in the face again.

The pain he saw in Jay's eyes when his dad said to his little brother, 'why are you even here?' glued him to the spot and spurred him on to finish what he started.

His dad might have been talking about dinner, but he knew there was a double meaning to those words for his brother, he knew why those words hit Jay so hard.

"He was suicidal after you threw him out…bet you didn't know that…" he smacked himself in the forehead sarcastically, "…of course you didn't, you didn't care. Your youngest son nearly drank himself to death. He would have died if someone hadn't found him unconscious by Mom's grave. He was in the ICU for two days, did you know that? Of course you didn't!

"They put him on a 72 hour hold because they didn't believe it was just a case of accidentally drinking too much, but a case of someone purposefully trying to drink themselves to death."

He stood there, looking at his dad, realizing how quiet the bar was now that he stopped talking. The look on his dad's face pissed him off. There was only a hint of emotion and as far as Will was concerned, it was the wrong one. So he hit his dad below the belt then left.

"Mom would be ashamed of you."

XXXXXXX

Pat stayed at the bar for three more angry beers, snapping his request to the waiter each time and stewed about his kids. They had both pissed him off tonight. They were disrespectful. It wasn't unexpected from Jay, but Will surprised him, what he said. It was a crock of shit and he didn't need to hear it.

He finished his last beer of the shit night, threw a twenty on the table and a half hour later found himself standing at the foot of his wife's grave raging about his boys. He knew she would've understood, taken his side…straightened out Will and Jay.

He told her about Jay calling him a 'mean old prick,' and in his mind could just hear her say, 'I'll talk to him, honey.' She always had the words when it came to Jay. She could always straighten things out.

He stood there a few more moments, calming himself by reading and rereading her marker, when an overwhelming feeling of guilt came over him like a dizzy spell and he had to sit on the bench across the path.

He couldn't place it at first. It was one of those things where you feel guilty but you don't know why…but then he did…

"Ya mean old prick!"

It was true. He thought about what he'd said to Jay halfway through their dinner, 'why are you even here' and knew it brought about that reaction from Jay. It was mean…no, cruel, what he'd said to his son, especially given what Will had told him.

The guilt that sat in his gut was too heavy to be just about tonight, Jay's words were the build up of years of getting nothing from his old man when all he wanted was a dad…the same dad Will got.

He didn't like all this thinking about things, soul-searching his wife would have called it. He didn't like the feeling welling up in him right now because of it. Shame…shame to sit there beside the guilt…he was ashamed of himself for how he treated his youngest son, then and now.

The worst of what Will said to him hit home then, and the shame swelled until it had nowhere to go except leak from his eyes in salty tears, "Did you know he was suicidal?

XXXXXXX

He was never comfortable around Jay. Even when the boys were little he always got along better with Will. Will was just easier, their personalities meshed, he went with the flow. Jay had questions about everything and truth be told, it drove him nuts. And he didn't question things in a way where he was being disrespectful, the kid just had a thirst for how things worked in the world.

He felt bad for not wanting a kid that wanted to know so much. And that didn't mean he didn't love Jay, not at all. He loved him as much as he loved Will, he was just hard to take.

When Jay was a little older, maybe 8 or so, the kid would talk about his day at school and ask him things, what he thought about this or that, or wasn't that cool, and it made him mad because he didn't know the answer to things. The kid wasn't trying to make him look or feel stupid, but it did just the same and it pissed him off.

It got worse when Jay was 10 or 11 and questions turned to opinions. The kid would ask a question he already knew the answer to, then asked him what he thought about it, Jay would have a different opinion, so he would put an impatient end to the discussion right there and then because he didn't know how to have it.

He didn't realize until now that his son had just been trying to talk, not argue, with him all this time, trying to find common ground, a place they could both stand and that he, not Jay, turned conversations into an argument, when all Jay wanted was to sit and have a talks with him like the talks he had with Will.

So when more questions were thrown at him, he would get angry and in no uncertain terms, tell his youngest to shut up. He never used the words but whatever he did say was basically 'shut the hell up' dressed up in different words…no, it wasn't shut up. It was putting his kid down until he just went away.

X

He wondered when Jay caught on that he didn't like him much. When was it that his youngest figured out he liked Will but not him. Because there was no way the kid didn't think that…didn't figure it out…

Didn't figure out his old man was an asshole.

He wondered if Jay candy coated his thought to, 'he liked Will better than me' instead of the truth, he liked Will but didn't like him…at all.

When did his youngest boy figure it out but kept trying anyway.

X

When it was just the two of them watching baseball, Jay just wanted to talk to him during the game like he and Will did. But again, the kid drove him nuts. He talked at the wrong times.

Eventually they would just watch the games and he would stay silent. Wouldn't join in when he was yelling at the team, Jay would just scowl at the TV in agreement with his old man when the team did something stupid, or chuckle at something he would say about a play or at the 'goddamn umps.' But the kid never talked except to ask him if he wanted another beer or a pop.

He shut the kid down almost from the get go when the three of them watched the game together. Will didn't realize how he treated Jay. Jay never really said much anyway and when he did it was in response to something Will said to him. He still enjoyed the games, or at least that's how it seemed. The kid would groan on a failed stolen base or cheer when they scored, but it was like Jay was watching the game alone even though they were feet away from him.

X

The kid played soccer and was good at it but he'd never gone to a game or match or whatever it was called.

As a player, the kid automatically got two tickets to his matches, and on a night when both Will and his mom were working, he'd left them on the counter for him, if he wanted to go. He didn't. The kid was passionate about soccer, he wasn't, so like a selfish ass, he hadn't gone to watch him play.

Now, he wondered how long the kid looked for him to show up? Or did he even look at all?

X

Jay, hell all of them, knew he wasn't happy when the kid signed up for the army, signed up to go to war. He didn't want his boy to get killed, and if it happened it would kill his mother and he wanted to protect his wife from that kind of sorrow.

But Jay went anyway. His mom was proud. As much as it worried her, she knew it was perfect for him, he was a born protector.

He would've liked to think he'd supported Jay like he supported Will, but doubted it since Jay's chosen profession came with the very real possibility he might die and every day they would be left to worry about him.

He'd thought it was selfish and the day the kid got on the plane for boot camp, he hadn't said a word to him, he was too pissed.

His wife had yelled at him that night for not saying goodbye to Jay, not giving him a hug or anything else that would show his support. She was worried something might happen to Jay and the last thing he saw of his father would be him scowling in the car.

He told her nothing would happen. The kid would come back home before he was deployed. He would say goodbye then, give him a hug and it placated her for the time being.

But Jay hadn't come back. He'd gone to bootcamp and from there to Ranger school and from there he was deployed to Afghanistan.

They hadn't seen him again until he came home on compassionate leave. Jay didn't even know his Mom had cancer. They hadn't told him. She didn't want to tell him because he wouldn't go if he knew, and she, 'wanted her son to have the life he dreamed of.'

He wanted to tell the kid for the same reason, he wouldn't go and there would be no chance of his wife's heart being broken.

X

When his wife died, Jay was devastated. They all were. He himself was barely functioning. It was hard for him to see her so sick and that was one more thing he fucked up in his life. He should have been there more for his wife.

He was, he was there for her until Jay came home, and then he let Jay pick up the baton and be her constant support.

He knew she understood. Knew she understood how hard it was, but her understanding wasn't a blessing from her to keep doing it, but that's how he saw it, how he needed to see it.

When she was gone, they were all so…none of them knew what to do with their emotions.

Jay was angry, angry at everything to cover up the pain he was feeling. He had good reason to be angry. The kid went through his mom's death alone, and even when his old man wasn't checked out and was actually supporting his wife, he was never there to support his son.

There was no part during her drawn out death that he thought to comfort his son. None. He didn't think of it. He had gotten so used to Jay being alone even when the two of them were together, that it didn't cross his mind.

He did the same thing he did to Jay when the kid was little, shut down conversations, questions, because he viewed them as a start to an argument, when really, just like all his life, Jay was trying to connect with him and maybe, comfort him.

Jay was mad at Will for not coming home. For not coming home and supporting him, so they could mutually comfort each other but Will couldn't handle being there, so he stayed away.

Jay didn't understand it, but he understood it. Will had done exactly what his old man had done. Except Will was in New York and he was in the living room drinking a beer and watching TV.

The funeral was another place that Jay was alone even when he was with them. Even sitting in a packed church, the kid was alone.

It was after most people were gone that he destroyed his relationship with his youngest kid forever. It started with an argument between the two boys.

Jay wanted to spend time with his brother, but Will told him he was going to go have a beer with Benny, Will's best friend since kindergarten, and then he'd be home. Will chose his friend over his brother, and they both knew it wouldn't be just one beer.

Will was going to handle his pain how he had been all along, he was going to check out again, but this time he wasn't in New York, he was going to be in a neighborhood bar and once again Jay would be alone. Will hadn't even invited Jay.

That was all it took. Jay needed Will, Jay needed someone and his brother, who was his best chance at comfort was ditching him. Jay knew he would get nothing from his old man. The kid knew he would be zoning out on the TV.

So, Jay said something to his brother about not coming home and Will was hurting, hurting in his own way, and got defensive and started attacking Jay. He was being an asshole and Jay was just stating over and over, in one way or another, that he needed him before their mom died, and he needed him now and he was ditching him again.

That's when their old man made the biggest mistake of his life. He jumped into the argument and took Will's side because he understood Will's side. He had checked out from the pain of the situation as much as Will and Will was going to do it again.

Jay's anger, his pain was pointed towards him now and Will took his old man's side. Jay had needed him and he told him that to his face, told both of them that.

Then Jay made a mistake that wasn't really a mistake, but it set him off. The kid's very words were, "I needed you, Mom needed you…" He didn't get any further.

All of his own pain, once disguised as indifference came out as anger, then rage. All of his pain over losing his wife was spewed toward Jay. He didn't scream at God, he screamed at his kid.

It was the 'Mom needed you' that provided the starting gun and he shot the kid in the heart with his first sentence.

'Your mom needed YOU, but you went off to fight a war so you could pick up a gun and kill people.'

That was it. Even if he said nothing else, he'd destroyed his relationship with Jay right there.

Jay was struck silent, so was Will. Neither of them said anything. Will was stunned, he couldn't believe he would say such a thing. Will knew him, knew his old man didn't mean it, that he was just lashing out.

He saw Jay's face, the kid took it to heart. Jay didn't know him because he never let Jay know him, so of course he would believe what his old man was saying.

He kept going, kept saying things that made it worse, things he could never take back, because whether Jay thought his old man believed it or not, no matter what he said to fix it, Jay would never really know the truth.

The worst of it was calling the kid a murderer. He went to another country and he was going to go back and murder more people.

All the time he was spewing his disgust at Jay, Will was trying to get him to stop. Right after that first awful sentence, he'd come back to his senses and tried to stop him from saying something else he couldn't walk back, but he wasn't thinking of that, wasn't thinking of what he was saying. He hurt and his youngest son was in the line of fire and he was destroying the kid with every word he said.

Over and over he jerked his elbow out of Will's hand so he could keep raging. He hadn't even realized what was really going on with Jay while he spewed. Didn't realize it until now, reliving that godawful day he buried the love of his life.

He saw now the look on Jay's face as he screamed such terrible things at him. It was the most heartbreaking thing he had ever seen. Jay had said nothing while he spewed, but the tears streamed down his face. He hadn't moved to wipe them away. It was like the kid couldn't move, like his cruel words tied him to the spot.

It didn't register, the look on Jay's face back then, but he saw it clearly now. The agony, the hurt, that flashed and twisted and smacked his kid's face.

He saw his son's countenance change, his body sag under the weight of his agony. He was yelling at a grown up, a war hero, but he looked like that little kid that asked too many questions, that talked at the wrong times when watching baseball, the kid that would ask his opinion on things, only to be shut down because he thought the kid was trying to start an argument, when really he just wanted to have a conversation with his old man.

All of that was on Jay's face, all of the times the kid was alone when standing right next to him or next to him and his brother. Those were the little kids that were hearing his cruelty, not the grown man in front of him.

He would've kept going too if Will hadn't physically removed him from the room. If Will hadn't pushed him out, he probably would have said something worse, something that would have shattered Jay, something like, 'I wish you would have died instead.'

Would he have gone that far?

Will had pulled and pushed and dragged him away so he wouldn't've had the chance to say something that horrible anyway, but then he realized that he had said it to Jay. Over and over again he had said it while he raged at him. He didn't get a chance to say those words, but that didn't matter, that feeling, that sentiment, that 'I wish it would have been you instead,' was radiating in every word he said to his youngest child.

He didn't see Jay again for over a year. Not until his son came home injured and messed up in the head.

His kid had been hurt so bad and he hadn't helped him. There was that same disconnect, so he hadn't even tried. His wife would have known how to help Jay. He remembered that thought, remembered that it'd pissed him off at the time. He wasn't sure why. Maybe it was guilt, but he highly doubted it. It was more probable that he'd been picking up where they left off over a year before.

He remembered what had Jay said back then. It wasn't the same disconnect from Jay's childhood, it was an angry, purposeful disconnect on his part. He hadn't wanted the kid in his house, Jay made him think, remember things, so he'd been an asshole. He didn't say anything cruel to the kid, his silence was cruel enough.

So, instead of seeing his injured kid and trying to make up for how he'd treated him when his wife was dying, trying to make up for what he said at the funeral, he was an asshole to him. Angrily ignoring him, seeing that his kid needed help and acting like he didn't care. He hoped it was an act. He didn't remember.

For three weeks he'd been an asshole to his boy. Then Jay started to come home drunk every night. He'd gotten sick of it and finally, the night Jay came home bruised up from getting in a bar fight, he kicked him out. Kicked out his injured, war hero son, when he knew he had nowhere else to go.

He had been the kid's only choice at the time and what a shitty one it was. He would've gotten more support if he laid on his mother's grave.

X

Jay grabbed his stuff while his dad continued to rage. It was taking longer than he would have liked, he was drunk, almost numb drunk but he hadn't made it there before he got kicked out of the bar.

The girl was okay though and that's all that mattered. Tomorrow he would just go to another fucking bar.

He didn't really know what his dad was saying he could just hear the screeching rage of it.

Weaving his way down the steps, his leg aching and the brace driving him nuts, a part of him hoped he would fall and break his neck and end all this shit, but he made it to the bottom and to the door, his dad's rage the fingernails on a blackboard.

He opened the door and a cold blast of air hit him, clearing his head a little. He finally understood what his dad was saying, or maybe it wasn't the cold wind but the hot anger that allowed him to hear what his dad said as he slammed the door.

"Your mom would be ashamed of you."

He stopped on the bottom step, his dad's words churning in his gut, 'your mom would be ashamed of you.' Mom…Mom would be ashamed of him. He stood there for awhile, Mom would be ashamed of him, then afraid his dad would notice and start in on him again, his mom would be ashamed of him, he headed for O'Brien's Liquor, suddenly feeling too sober and much more alive than he wanted to be.

X

'Jay was suicidal after you threw him out of the house Dad. Bet you didn't know that. Of course you didn't. You didn't care.'