Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“You did what?!”

“Fizz…”

“No, no, no! Don’t you ‘Fizz’ me, you big idiot! You had one shot at this and you blew it!”

After everything that happened with Stolas, that unleashed rage Blitzø felt back at the palace was very much gone. The first thing he wanted to do after leaving Stolas’ palace was go to the nearest bar and get shitfaced drunk and forget all about tonight, but when he got in his van, he found himself unable to drive. Or walk. Or do pretty much anything except pick up his phone and call Fizzarolli.

Why Fizz? At that moment, he felt like the only one who could help Blitzø understand what the fuck collapsed around him in a matter of minutes.

Now, he was starting to regret not choosing the bar option. Especially since Fizz was still shouting at him from the other end of the call.

“-how could you fuck this up so badly? Honestly, answer me. Indulge me with your foolish fantasies!”

“How am I supposed to know? I barely even registered what the fuck happened in there!” Blitzø shouted back.

Blitzø heard a faint voice in the background of Fizzarolli’s call. Likely Asmodeus. He genuinely still had no idea how those two came to be. An imp and a fucking Deadly Sin, who could’ve guessed? But dammit if it didn’t make him happy to see his friend cared for and loved.

“Yeah, I’ll be right there. I just need to punch this ass through the phone” Fizz said to Asmodeus.

“Hey! I asked for advice, not bullying!” Blitzø interjected.

“Do I look like I care after what you did? You blew it big time and now you will suffer the consequences of hearing me berate you for your stupidity”

Asmodeus’ voice sounded again in the background. Fizz laughed.

“Can I put you on speaker? You need to tell Ozzie everything you just told me”

Blitzø widened his eyes. “What? No! Do you really think I want The King of Lust inside my very messy love life?”

“Well, yes” Fizz said, quite plainly. “If anyone can give you real advice, plus an explanation on what happened, it’s him”

Blitzø sighed, “Fine”

As quickly as he could, he retold the events of the night to Fizz’s partner. Thankfully, they were quiet the whole time and Blitzø was able to get through it all with much more ease than he had with Fizzarolli.

When he was done, the silence persisted on the other end of the call. He checked his phone if he had run out of battery or if the call had cut, but everything seemed okay.

“Ah…Hello?” He tried.

“Where are you, right now?” Asmodeus asked.

Blitzø looked around. “I’m still parked outside his palace”, he said, embarrassed.

“You’re WHAT?!” Fizz screamed.

“Fizzy, he’s had enough,” Asmodeus said, calmly. “Do you want to come over, Blitzø, so we can talk over a drink or two?”

Blitzø looked out of the window of the van, towards the palace. It was dark and looked almost abandoned, were it not for the very well kept gardens. For a moment, he had considered turning the ignition, driving away and never looking back. Fuck the book, fuck the toys, fuck full moons and fuck St- no, not him.

But that failed thought was almost two hours ago.

“I…I don’t think I can,” he admitted.

He just felt so tired. After a crazy morning with IMP and roaming around Lust all day looking for the perfect toys, and then the whole…thing…with Stolas, Blitzø was absolutely drained of energy. He just wanted to curl up on his couch and fall asleep the best way he knew how: drunk scrolling through his old photos and eventually crying himself to sleep.

“Do you have the crystal?” Asmodeus asked him.

Blitzø looked at his hand. “Yeah, he put it on my hand and, even though I’ve fucking tried, I can’t get this shit off”. He hated looking at it. Right there, under his nose, a reminder of his failure at the one thing he actually tried to make work in his whole fucking life.

“Listen, Blitzø, he’s not trying to get rid of you” Fizz said.

“Really? Because it sure as hell doesn’t look like it, Fizz! That stupid book was the thing that fueled our arrangement and he just took it away like it didn’t mean anything. He knows I need that, and he took it away and left me with this piss target-no offense, Ozz-”

“None taken” Asmodeus replied.

“-And now what does he want me to do? I can’t just take this with me, I never even wanted it in the first place!”

“Why not?” Fizz questioned.

“I-” he started before cutting himself off. He didn’t know what to say. Why didn't he want the crystal? It granted him access to the mortal realm legally, which was already one less nuisance for his work. Now, IMP didn’t need to worry about getting caught or losing the Grimoire on their trips.

Thinking about it, the crystal was exactly what he needed. And he hated having to admit to himself that Stolas clearly had had a great idea in giving it to Blitzø. So what was stopping him from enjoying this gift?

“I don’t know, Fizz,” He sighed.

“Can I offer a small input?” Asmodeus asked carefully.

Blitzø shrugged then realized they couldn’t see him. “Yeah, sure”

“Stolas came to me the day you and Fizz were kidnapped, asking me to give you that crystal,” Asmodeus explained, “At first, I said no because you two were still on bad terms and well, I didn’t want to betray Fizzy’s trust. But he was actually the one who allowed me to pass it onto Stolas. He…Blitzø, he wasn’t trying to push you away or hurt you in any way. He wanted to end the agreement because he wanted to just be with you, no strings attached”

“But why?” Blitzø questioned. “Was I not doing a good job? Was the fucking that bad? I mean, I even got a bunch of shit from you guys to spice things up. And yeah, I know I missed the last couple of months but I was busy and the whole Stryker thing happened and I didn’t want to overstep and-”

“Blitzø!” Fizz cut him off “You’re not getting this in your thick head. Did you even listen to Ozzie? Stolas wants you, just you. No book, no full moons, nothing. He just wants to be with you because he clearly has feelings for you. Deep ones, from the looks of it. I mean, how are you so blind, seriously?”

Blitzø blinked. Shit.

“B-but what happened at Ozzie’s…he was clearly embarrassed to be there with me, and with you two spewing all that shit on us, I mean, did you really have to?”

Silence on the other side.

“It may have been too much, we admit” Fizz started, “But, in fairness, I did hate you and you decided to pop up where I work so…you kinda had it coming”

“Yeah, yeah…but all that stuff about Stolas, that was messed up. I may have deserved my share, but he didn’t deserve his. It was my fault he was there in the first place, I wanted to spy on my employees and I needed someone, and he was the first one I thought of and…and it was a mistake to go there”

“Do you regret it?” Fizz asked.

Did he?

For the first time in a long time, Blitzø brought himself back to that failed “date” in Lust. The regret and bad decisions crawling back into his mind like a virus. There’s so much he should’ve done, could’ve said, to make it better. He could have defended himself and Stolas. He could have stayed the night with him, doing whatever, but doing whatever together, not just leaving Stolas alone on those steps.

He could’ve just stayed home and never followed M&M like Moxxie asked him.

“I do” He admitted “It ruined his night and mine. I failed to spy on my employees, which was the whole point of meeting with him and…and I think that was the first crack on whatever we had.”

Blitzø hated revealing so much of himself to the two of them, but the truth was that it felt good to have someone who was willing to listen to him. Even if it was his ex-best-friend-turned-enemy-turned-friend-again and his Lord of Lust boyfriend.

Fizz sighed. “Ozzie, he may not want it, but I need a drink for this. Can you get me one, please?”

“I’ll get two.”

Blitzø could hear footsteps receding and leaned his head on the steering wheel, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply.

This was not how he had pictured his night to go down. He thought he would be on the third round by now, making that bird scream as loudly as he wanted to because the palace was empty.

Now, he was stuck inside his dirty old van, talking on the phone with two of the last people he wanted to be talking to because, for some reason, that seemed better than drowning his sorrows on some Beezeljuice like last time.

“Blitzø, look” Fizz said, pulling him out of his thoughts “I don’t know you that well anymore, and trust me, I want to change that but, right now, this is what I can tell you. The only mistake you’re making is not listening to yourself or Stolas. And listen, you’re both in the wrong here. You’re too blinded to see what the other wants or is trying to say. I know things haven’t been easy for you and you’ve lost too much, but so have I. And I decided to take a leap of faith with Ozzie and, even after all that’s happened in my past with you and Mammon and everything, we managed to make it work and I couldn’t be happier in my life”

“Aww Froggie…” Asmodeus clearly walked in and heard everything Fizz had said about them “Do you really believe that?”

“Yeah, of course. I love you, Ozzie”

“And I love you too”

Blitzø could hear some ruffling and giggling that turned into kissing and small moaning coming from Fizz. He cleared his throat quite loudly to stop whatever was happening on the other line.

“Listen, I’m all up for whatever freaky shit you two do, and I’m still curious as to who tops but I really, really need help here”

“Okay Blitzø, here’s the thing:” Fizz said, more seriously, “You can’t just expect us to give you all the answers for your shitty decisions. You fucked up. Big time. And I get it, you’re mad at him too, but trust me when I say this: he’s more hurt than you are mad”

“How can you be so sure, Fizz? You weren’t there, he kicked me out like I was nothing”

Tears threatened to spill out and Blitzø had to lean his head back, which was a bit uncomfortable in such a tight space, and take some deep breaths.

“What did he say to you before he did that?” Asmodeus questioned.

Blitzø thought about that for a minute. He knew exactly what Stolas had told him. He just didn’t want to admit it to Fizz and Asmodeus because saying it out loud would make it real. So much more real than it already was.

“So?” Ozz pushed.

“He said,” Blitzø inhaled, “he said he thought very highly of me and that he didn’t think I thought so low of him”

Silence.

Amazing when Blitzø needed their input, they were as quiet as a mouse.

“Did he really say that, Blitzø?” Asmodeus asked.

“Yeah” he sighed.

“Wow, Blitzø, you most definitely fucked up on this one,” Fizz said.

“I KNOW, FIZZ! Thank you for that unnecessary reminder” Blitzø growled.

He leaned his head on the window and fought to keep the tears in. He would not cry, not over this. He was a grown ass man, with a daughter and a business with employees and an office and all that jazz he wanted since he was a kid. Minus the circus. Plus, his old best friend was back in his life and he was just starting to make that work again. He couldn’t go down over someone he fucked almost every month for the past how many months of his life. He could easily go pretty much anywhere and find someone else to put his dick in. It was so easy for him. It always was.

“BLITZØ!” Fizz shouted his name, bringing him back to the present.

“Yeah, I’m here” he said, softly.

“The fuck happened? You went way too quiet there, I thought you had fallen asleep or something” Fizz asked.

Blitzø rubbed his eyes and grabbed his phone. Over two hours of call time…Fuck, this was taking longer than he thought.

“Look, guys, I’m sorry for being such a dick and spoiling your night, thanks for the help but I can’t do this anymore”

“Blitzø, wait!”

“Fizz please, I really appreciate all you’ve done for me today but it’s no use. I ruined everything again and I’m just gonna have to deal with it the best way I know how: getting blackout drunk and falling asleep on the couch”

“Can you just listen to me for two fucking seconds, you stubborn ass?” Fizz pleaded with him.

“Yeah, sorry” He put the phone back down and leaned on his hands.

“Ozzie, can I talk to him alone for a little?” Fizz asked almost in a whisper.

Asmodeus must have nodded and left because, after a little, the door closed and Fizz and Blitzø were alone once more.

Fizz started softly, “I don’t know almost anything about your love life, I just know mainly what the tabloids said about you and Verosika Mayday and some other exes that I came across in Lust. And pretty much everyone I talked with said the same thing: he’s a jerk, he left, he stole my car-”

“I get it, Fizz!”, Blitzø interrupted.

“Hush, just let me finish” Fizz sighed. “But the truth is, I know you, Blitzø. Or at least, I think I do. And you’re currently wallowing in self-doubt and self-hatred, just like you always do when you know you fucked up something good. You blame yourself above anyone else. And yeah, sure, you did say some stupid things tonight, but I also know you were put in a shit situation and barely had any time to comprehend, let alone digest and think through, what was being said to you. Am I wrong?”

Blitzø ran a hand through his face. “No, you’re not”

“Good. So if you can take anything from this conversation, let it be this: you need to talk to him. Seriously. No funny jokes, no hiding behind sharp words and defending yourself with insults. Just be open with him. But listen, too. You need to look at him and allow him to say what he needs. I barely know Stolas, but from what Ozzie tells me, he seems so sincere and caring and definitely not the type of person to just take a few laps around the bed and discard you. Dammit, you’ve had this arrangement for how long?”

“About a year, I think,” Blitzø replied.

“And you really think it was just about the book?” Fizz asks “Truthfully. Not just for him, for you too”

Blitzø knew the answer to that. Or at least he knew one part of it.

He had known for a while now. He wasn’t sure where it had started for him, maybe when Stolas saved IMP from those idiot human agents or when they winded down after the bear traps later that same day. At Ozzie’s, he definitely felt something. Maybe he just didn’t really know what. Perhaps that’s why he expected Stolas to defend him when Verosika and Fizzarolli said all that shit. Maybe that’s why Blitzø picked him in the first place and not just any succubus looking for a shag.

Maybe that’s why he cut him off that night, instead of staying with him. In his fucking fucked up mind, Blitzø always imagined that for Stolas it would be about the arrangement and sex and full moon and book on repeat. Nothing else. Because why else would he need more? He was a fucking prince. He could have literally anyone he wanted. Why would he want Blitzø when no one else did?

“I think…” He cleared his throat in an attempt to better let the words flow “I think it hasn’t been about the book in a while.”

It was strange to be so honest about it. He almost couldn’t believe his own words as they came tumbling down.

“It did start because of the book, there’s no need to lie about it. I needed the book, he needed…a dick, I guess? And so he came up with this arrangement and I guess since it benefited us both. But…” Blitzø took a deep breath and couldn’t avoid the single tear that fell “Fizz…I-I don’t know when it stopped being about the book for him but I’ve been hiding behind that certainty. That certainty that, even if he moved on and found someone else, someone better, I felt I had given something good to him. And I never, ever imagined it could be more for Stolas. It made no sense”

Fizzarolli was quiet for a moment. Blitzø couldn’t blame him, really. He was in deep shit and, for some reason, Fizz was there to help him as he could.

“Answer me this one thing,” Fizz started “Do you love him?”

Blitzø released a soft laugh, almost imperceptible.

“No, I don’t. I mean, I fucking love being with him, talking to him, just watching him sleep after fucking him senseless but,” He wiped his eyes “I don’t think I know how to fucking love someone, Fizz”

“You’re right. Maybe you don’t,” Fizz also laughed a little “But maybe, and hear me out, just maybe…you can learn with him. Wouldn’t you want that? I believe you wouldn’t be like this over just anyone, Blitzø. And that has to mean something to how you feel about your relationship with Stolas”

Blitzø didn’t really know how to reply to that. Fizz was right, once again.

Fizz proceeded, “Just go talk to him. It may seem really bad right now after what happened but it’s best before you let it sit for longer than it should”

“Yeah…” Blitzø looked in the direction of the palace and nodded, “Yeah, I’ll go now. Fizz?”

“I’m here”

“What if I fuck up everything again?” He sounded genuinely worried.

Fizz took a little time before replying, “Well, Blitzø, if you’re honest with him like you were with me, even if things don’t end that well, you’ll know you said all you had to. And so will he”

“Thanks Fizz, I really owe you one for everything you’ve done. Not just today, you know?” Blitzø confessed “I’m really glad you’re back in my life. I missed you more than I can admit”.

“Keep the sentimentalities for Stolas” Fizz joked, “And don’t worry, I’m going to save that favour for when you least expect it. Oh, and Blitzø?”

Blitzø laughed and wiped his eyes again. “Yeah?”

Fizz shouted, sounding much closer to the phone, “Fucking apologize to him, please!” And hung up the phone.

Blitzø chuckled and turned off his phone. Looking back to Stolas’ home, he did his best to gather as much courage as he could. Life had this way of throwing curveballs at him and ruin him but fuck it if he wasn’t going to face this shit without an ounce of fear or doubt. He was tired of being screwed over, and screwing others.

Not anymore. And certainly not when it came to Stolas.

Chapter Text

Even after spending two hours trying to understand what had happened and also coming to terms with it, Blitzø still struggled to get out of the van. His feet couldn’t seem to move, the keys still in the ignition, haunting him to run away from all this. Leave behind the mess he got himself into. Forget all of it and pretend it never happened; that his life didn’t change. That he didn’t change.

Taking in a deep breath, Blitzø finally got his hands to move and removed the keys from the ignition. Another breath and he opened the door and got out, walking and locking the car without looking back. Out of sight, out of mind and all that.

The palace still looked uninviting, almost as if it didn’t want Blitzø to enter and harm its master once more. But, just like always, Blitzø climbed the wall and entered the gardens, unseen. There was no going back now.

Walking towards Stolas’ balcony, Blitzø tried to formulate what to say once he stepped inside. His brain was wired to get him to defend himself, but it was clear that that would also likely trigger the fight response in him, and that would just escalate everything again, and that was the last thing he wanted. He couldn’t see Stolas crying again.

Never again.

There was so much Blitzø fucking regretted when it came to Stolas. Making him cry was at the top of the list. Screaming was a close second. He regretted the way he handled the night at Ozzie’s and how he talked to him on the steps of the palace, a cold Goodnight that had escaped his lips as he pressed the pedal and drove off, a word said in a manner so cruel that it almost made him turn around and redo it. But Blitzø knew he couldn’t. At the time, owning up to the fact that he was rude and possibly hurtful would mean showing he cared, and that was scarier than he thought possible. So he left, like he always did. And leaving Stolas there was probably the third thing he regretted. That and how he failed to see the clear, so it seemed, growing affection between them.

But those tears…those fucking tears .

Seeing the result of his screaming and his words was imprinted in front of Blitzø’s eyes. Stolas was always incredible at maintaining a serene face, at keeping his emotions far from everyone. Even as a kid, with his father hitting him for bowing at Blitzø, for something so stupid as that, Stolas kept it in and didn’t react much. Even with the whole Octavia thing, he was furious at first - rightfully so - but he still managed to keep his emotions far away in the sake of finding his daughter in the middle of a shitshow of a day. Plus, the divorce probably took its toll on him as well, but it was clear Stolas didn’t show any of it either, since Blitzø barely knew how things were between the troubled couple. But it pained Blitzø to know the cause of Stolas’ most recent tears…was his words and his actions. Him .

And it was climbing the balcony that Blitzø realised how fucking strong Stolas was, and how there was no way in all of Hell that he would ever allow the owl to pick up his own pieces from the floor without help. Let alone the ones Blitzø put there in the first place.

Setting both feet firmly on the floor, Blitzø looked out onto the city line and saw the full moon still burning bright above. Maybe it could stop being the sign of an arrangement and become a symbol of new beginnings and restored lives. He stupidly smiled at that prospect.

Turning back to the balcony doors, Blitzø found they were closed. He tried opening them, but Stolas must have locked the doors after kicking Blitzø out. Just another sign for him to turn around and leave. He was clearly an unwanted presence here.

Peeking into the bedroom, he found the bag of discarded toys still near the bed but no trace of the owl. He removed a small bobby pin he always kept in his coat and started to attempt to pry open the door.

After about two minutes of failed tries and frustration grunts, the doors finally unlocked and Blitzø stood up, fixing his clothes.

This was it.

He was past the point of no return. No going back now. If Blitzø crossed the threshold and entered, he was going to have to face Stolas. And more terrifyingly, face his feelings. The next step was maybe one of the most important he would ever take in his life, but dammit if it wasn’t one worth taking.

He stepped inside and immediately felt the tension still lingering in the air. A breath of the wrong things said was still whispered in everything he set his eyes on. The perfect bed. The Grimoire on the shelf. The stupid, stupid bag.

Blitzø left the room quickly, not wanting to stay in it for longer than he needed to. He just needed to find Stolas and fix everything he ruined.

The darkness of the entire palace, the covered paintings and the awful silence everywhere was not something Blitzø was used to. And not being able to hear Stolas anywhere was making his skin itchy. The owl’s absence was starting to mess with his brain.

“Stolas?” Blitzø called out softly to the walls hoping they would lead him in the correct direction.

Everything was too big, too much for him to navigate. He tried to remember the room with the big ass chandelier where he last saw Stolas but his brain wasn’t helping him that much, frustration once again flowing through his veins.

Finally, some mercy was shown and he found the big door he needed. Taking a deep breath, Blitzø slowly opened the door and almost tripped back, holding inside a gasp when he saw the inside of the room.

It was as if a bomb had exploded inside.

There were crystals everywhere. The grand chandelier, gone . Like it never existed in the first place. The thin silk that once covered the chandelier, ripped to shreds and abandoned on the floor. Feathers scattered everywhere, and Stolas… Holy shit.

Stolas was curled on the floor, unmoving. His hat and cape discarded but still close, almost completely torn by the shards of crystal. Blitzø stepped inside and, as careful as he could, made his way toward the owl.

The softest whisper sounded, “Please, don’t”.

Blitzø widened his eyes at the voice, raspy and barely audible. Almost invisible . He took one step closer, testing.

“I-I’m begging you, Blitzø…j-just leave me”

“Stolas” Blitzø whispered, one step closer, “Wha-what happened in here?”

Silence reigned for a few moments until it was broken by a sniff from Stolas. Blitzø was so close to him now, so close . He could finally see the feathers from Stolas’ back moving up and down, a slow and rhythmic breathing.

“Please lea-” Stolas tried but was cut off.

“I’m not going anywhere, Stolas. I’m not going to leave you here and I’m sure as Hell not letting you kick me out again” He sighed deeply, “I’ll just keep coming back”

Stolas didn’t reply to Blitzø, which allowed him to keep moving slowly forward until he was less than three feet from the owl. He could make out a lot of broken and unkempt feathers, almost touching them before pulling his hand back.

Blitzø mentally cursed himself for causing all of this. The chaos in the room matched the one in his head and he couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to turn back time and never allow for any of this to happen. He swiped some of the crystal shards and sat on the floor close to Stolas.

“I’m sorry,” He admitted, clearing his throat, “I fucked up. Big time. A lot was said - and yelled, mostly - and I regret the way I handled things. I realise that - fuck - I realise that I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did but, man, I was - I am terrified of losing that book. Of losing…you”

Stolas still didn’t move or say anything, so Blitzø closed his eyes and just kept going.

“I was so weirdly excited for today. I went around Lust getting us all that shit, actually looking forward to tonight. I even dressed up a little,” He chuckled, though it didn’t reach his lips. “And the truth is…Loona told me you were getting bored and I think that scared me more than I can admit because it meant you might want to end the deal, and it turns out my fear was right because you did end the deal and that meant I fucked up and I didn’t do my part right and I just felt so useless and-”

A soft touch took him out of his misery. He hadn’t even heard any movement around him, his senses betraying him. But Blitzø didn’t dare open his eyes in fear the tears would start coming out again. He had cried more in these last couple of hours than he had in the last how many years of his life, and he would definitely not let Stolas see that weakness in him.

The hand didn’t move and they remained like that for what felt like eternity, in a deathly silence that neither dared to break. Blitzø held his knees close to his chest and lowered his head onto his arms, hiding his face in the darkness so he didn’t risk opening his eyes and realising it wasn’t Stolas next to him. Because how could it be?

“I never meant to hurt you” He resumed, feeling the warmth in his arm spread through his body, right down to his heart. “I know what I said was fucking awful and I wish I could take it back but I can’t. I can’t erase what I did to you but I’m also a bit thankful for that because it allowed me to stop and think about…well, everything.”

He paused, expecting to hear something, anything , but it was like he was alone in the room.

“I don’t actually believe that you are like the other royal assholes. I mean, yeah, you have imps doing shit for you here but that’s…normal, I guess. I’m used to that shit by now. But I not once appreciated the fact that you never have them around when I’m here. And you never treated me badly. Sure, you called me your plaything and your little imp, plus all that shit in Wrath calling me Blitzy in front of all those people, that was fucked. But it didn’t feel like you did it on purpose”

Blitzø was speaking more than he imagined he would and it killed him that nothing was stopping him from saying all he wanted to say. It was incredibly overwhelming to pour his heart out like that in a way he had never done before.

He resumed, shaking his head. “I called Fizz in my van after you kicked me out. I guess I needed to understand from a third party what the fuck had spiraled out of control so fast. After screaming at me for what I did to you, he helped me realise why you gave me this… thing . And Asmodeus explained what you asked of him and I…I think I finally figured out what you tried to say”

“And?” Stolas whispered, so close Blitzø could almost see him right before his eyes. He sucked in a breath.

“And I just never imagined someone like you would ever care for someone like me” The tears that once threatened to spill, now started to pool around his eyes. “Why would you ever want me when you could have literally anyone you wished for. This broken, scarred asshole-”

Stolas tried to silence him. “Don’t say that”

“It’s fucking true and you know it” Blitzø held his horns and pulled hard, wanting to focus the pain in his heart somewhere else “I ruin everything I touch, I harm everyone I care about and it was only a matter of fucking time before I did it to you too, because the idea of you leaving me was worse than the idea of you hating me”

He pulled harder until Stolas held his hands and stopped him, stopping time with his touch. Blitzø hid his face deeper into himself, no longer being able to stop the tear tracks running down his cheeks. Stolas’ touch was gentle and soothing, exactly the opposite of what Blitzø thought he would get from him after everything he had done.

His mind screamed at him that he didn’t deserve this touch, this care, this love . That it was all a farce, a trick to get him to open up once more just to be torn down and burned alive again.

“Blitzø…” Stolas whispered, making soft circles on his hands, “Look at me”

He shook his head, not daring to reveal more. But Stolas pressed a hand on his cheek and forced his face into the soft light.

“Look at me, please. Just open your eyes”

“I c-can’t” His voice failed him.

Stolas gently stroke his cheek, cleaning the tears that kept on falling even harder.

“W-what if this isn’t real?” Blitzø spilled out. “What if you’re not really here, because how could you after everything I did to you?”

“I’m here, Blitzø. You can open your eyes and I’ll still be here”

Blitzø fought the urge to shield himself from all this. His heart and his head were at war; one craved the touch, the opportunity of something new , the other needed to escape the edge of the cliff he was currently standing on. He wanted to jump from the cliff, to fall and see if he could survive. He wanted to have someone waiting for him at the bottom.

But most importantly, he wanted Stolas there. So, Blitzø slowly opened his eyes and saw the most beautiful red he ever came across in his life.

Stolas was staring at him, staring almost into his soul and it made Blitzø feel so naked and vulnerable he wanted to bolt. The strokes on his face continued, keeping him grounded and, for the first time, he leaned into the touch and sighed, briefly closing his eyes.

It wasn’t a dream nor was it a nightmare. This was happening and now he had to find the strength to pull through all he still had to say.

If it all ended tonight, he would know. He would know he had said what he needed to and that there were no more lost words or miscommunications between them. He would know he had tried .

And so, he looked at Stolas. Really looked . And ended up seeing something that had been terrifying him for so long.

Stolas was hurt .

Small cuts covered his face, one far too close to his right eyes. Looking down, he realised the owl was covered in these cuts, some deeper and bigger, still spilling a little bit of dark blood. Part of his left arm was wrapped in a bandage, clearly hidden before by the cape, now completely in view.

Blitzø raised his free hand to touch Stolas but, fearing harming him any further, ended up dropping it again. After Stryker kidnapped him, Blitzø knew Stolas could get hurt but he never imagined actually seeing it with his own eyes. Maybe that was why he refrained from visiting him in the hospital when Stolas sort of invited him. The idea of seeing the result of that day, what he could have helped avoid, what he so carelessly put aside, was more than he could handle. He knew his daughter would always come first, but fuck if he didn’t regret not being the one to save that feathered ass from the claws of that fucking hitman and ending it all right there.

“What did you do?” Blitzø asked, concerned.

Stolas closed his eyes and sighed, and Blitzø immediately missed the red.

“I needed to feel something else,” Stolas admitted, opening his eyes and looking down at their interlocked hands. “I guess you also felt the same need”

“Yeah, I did,” Blitzø said, softly. “Stols, look…I’m scared. Actually, scratch that, I’m fucking terrified . I never thought this would grow into more of a bang sesh every month and the truth is that it did. And I didn’t want it to change because it felt…safe. I had the book for my business, you had fun, it was good for the both of us. But dammit, it changed for me and I failed to admit that to myself. And I failed to see that it had changed for you too and I took your words for something they weren’t. Worst of all, I used them against you and attacked you to protect myself, because that’s all I know how to do”

He took a deep breath and continued, “I don’t know how to do feelings. I only know how to sense when shit is close to hitting the fan and, Christ on a stick, I lash out. I push away to make sure I don’t end up hurt. I scream, I verbally attack, I run, I-” He paused, gathering up the courage to touch Stolas’ face and make him look at Blitzø, but the owl wouldn’t open his eyes. “I don’t listen. I don’t allow for communication, because that would mean allowing for the damage to be done. It’s always been like that with me. I don’t know why. But I want to change that”

Careful of his movement, Blitzø caressed Stolas’ cheek like it had been done to him. His feathers were all over the place, turning in all the wrong directions. It was clear destroying the chandelier wasn’t enough to rid Stolas of the pain Blitzø had caused.

Some small feathers fell through his hand, causing his heart to bruise. Stolas had done this to himself because of Blitzø. He had done this to Stolas.

A few more tears escaped his eyes and he didn’t move to wipe them away. It was time to own up to his vulnerabilities, for fuck’s sake.

“I’m so, so sorry I did this to you, Stolas. All of this. You deserve so much more in your life, not any of this mess”

Stolas finally opened his eyes and his rare, beautiful white pupils greeted Blitzø.

“I don’t care about what I deserve or don’t. I just want you, Blitzø. Your scars, your funny jokes, your tears and your soul. We’re both damaged. We both have problems and traumas, and I want to face them all with you. Not with anyone else” Stolas looked to the sky, the full moon still visible through the window “Do you know why I chose the full moon for our…meetings?”

Blitzø simply shook his head, not trusting his mouth to say a word.

“It is the time when the Pentagram is straight across from the moon, with only Hell in between. The moon reflects the light from the Pentagram, and we get…” He pointed to the moon, clear as day, “that. There are no shadows, no darkness. Just light”

Stolas looked back to Blitzø, his gaze gentle and inviting. “We get a moment to be open, to not hide behind something. To me, a full moon is the moment I can be who I want to be. With whom I want to be with ”

Blitzø didn’t know what to say. For the longest time, he had seen the full moon as a chore, just another thing to cross from his to-do list and maybe, at times, an easier opportunity to scratch an itch instead of hitting the closest bar. After a while, it became a way to ease some stress from work and relax for a bit. He always, always guessed it was similar for Stolas, but he never could have pictured it would have this much meaning for him.

Stolas sniffed and resumed what he was saying, bringing Blitzø back to their conversation. “I meant what I said about the crystal. I decided to end the arrangement because I realised I was hiding behind it to be in your company and I was tired of it. I wanted to be with you, to talk to you, to see you without it having to be because of the Grimoire. I wanted to believe we could have something real, not planned and forced upon. Most of all, I wanted to believe you could also want that”

He cleaned a few stray feathers, clearly focused on something else. Blitzø could almost see the cogs in Stolas’ mind working and the smallest of smiles rose from his mouth. He ended up grabbing the owl’s hand, now all four hands interlocked in Stolas’ lap. The contact was something almost new to Blitzø. He couldn’t recall the last time he had held hands with someone for so long, let alone like this.

Raising his eyes, he found Stolas staring wide-eyed at him. His smile dropped, worry covering his face.

“Don’t stop,” Stolas whispered.

“Stop what?” Blitzø’s eyes searched Stolas’ for some sort of clue.

“Don’t stop smiling, please”

Blitzø was taken aback by his simple words. Though he was embarrassed, for Stolas he would smile for as long as the other asked of him.

So he did.

“I’ve never seen you smile like that,” Stolas confessed, removing one of his hands to touch Blitzø’s face. “It may just be one of the most beautiful things I’ve witnessed”

Feeling bashful, Blitzø leaned into the touch and enjoyed the warmth, closing his eyes and breathing in Stolas’ scent. He utterly and wholeheartedly believed he could stay like this for the longest time and never tire.

For once, the silence in the room felt right. They didn’t need to say anything. Blitzø genuinely believed all had been said between them, and if it hadn’t, well then…maybe those words would come up later. For now, just this, just them , was enough.

“I know,” Stolas started, “I should’ve handled things differently. And I do apologise for not allowing you the time to think about all I said to you”

Blitzø opened his eyes and straightened, “You don’t have to apologise for shit, Stols”

“Still I do, and I am” The owl took a deep breath, still wavering a little. “We’ve never done things correctly, have we? I don’t care about the difference in status, Blitzø. I only care about you and being with you”

“But why? You’re a fucking prince”

Stolas huffed.

“Blitzø, being a prince is something that was bestowed upon me, not something I chose for my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to study stars and the prophecies, it’s offered me so much. Nevertheless, the only thing I truly craved in my life was the opportunity to have something I wanted, something I chose for myself”

He looked down and held Blitzø’s hand with a newfound strength. Fresh tears falling from his eyes.

“And I chose you. I choose you, Blitzø” Stolas stared at Blitzø once again, all barriers broken between the gazes “You were the source of happiness in my life when I least expected it, and you continue to make me so happy after all these years. These nights of ours allowed me to be myself when I barely knew who that was outside of these walls. You brought me back, Blitzø, and I will never stop loving you for that”

Stolas loved him. He was at a loss for words. He couldn’t stop his face from betraying what he was feeling, his mouth open, his eyes widening. What could he even say? All words felt like sandpaper on his tongue, fire on his throat.

Stolas’ words lingered in the room, echoing. Haunting them.

“You needn’t say anything back” Stolas said after a little, “I just had to be completely honest with you, as you have been with me”

Blitzø let go of Stolas and stood up, turning around and walking a few steps before stopping, shoulders shaking. A soft whimper sounded behind him, but he didn’t turn around. He knew if he turned, his words wouldn’t come out. His brain couldn’t function, so it begged him to leave again, to get out of this cliff before he stumbled and fell.

Fuck it , he thought.

And so he jumped.

“I can’t say it back” He said softly, not daring to disturb the silence around them. “And I don’t think you deserve to hear that now. But I want to say it”

He gathered the courage to turn around and found Stolas still kneeling, exactly where he left him, a tear stained face staring back at him. He took one step.

“To you, I want to say it” Blitzø admitted “I want to say it every day, every night, full moon or not. I want to say it when we’re fucking, making love, watching soap operas on your couch or just lying in bed”

He resumed his walk back to Stolas, his heart roaring so loudly it was all he could hear.

“But I want to say it when the time is right and when I’m ready. I want it to mean everything to you, to me…to us . And I want to be better to you before you say it again so I know I worked for those words”

Stolas just stared at Blitzø.

“Promise me? Promise we can take whatever this is slow so I don’t fuck up again, please”

Stolas just nodded.

“I need you to say it, Stolas. I need to know you are aware that I’m not easy to deal with. That I can still lash out sometimes. That it’ll be tough and it’ll feel like shit-”

“I pro-” Stolas tried to say, but Blitzø wouldn’t stop.

“-and I’ll try every day to be worthy of your love, I fucking swear. I’ll show you I can be good. I’ll be a better man” His panic was rising, melting into his voice, “I’ll try my best to be what you deserve, I promise I-”

Stolas covered Blitzø’s mouth with his hand, putting an end to his clear pain.

“I promise to be here. And I promise to be patient. Just like I know you’ll be patient with me and excuse the things I do wrong, whilst teaching me how to fix them” Stolas removed his hand and moved it back to cup Blitzø’s face “As long as we’re together, we can do this”

Blitzø closed his eyes, “Are you sure? I can’t take hurting you again, Stols”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything else in my life” And he meant it, Blitzø could hear the truth in his voice.

Opening his eyes and seeing Stolas smile was what made him cave completely. He moved closer into the other’s space and put his arms around the owl, slotting his head on Stolas’ neck, breathing in deeply.

Stolas hesitated a little, but ended up also hugging Blitzø, the two sharing an embrace in the midst of the mess.

Now he was sure of everything. His heart and mind were finally at peace. All the words were said between them. All cards were on the table. Now, it was time to rebuild and carry on.

Time seemed to slip between their fingers, the moon no longer visible through the windows, a new light entering their lives. A new chapter commencing.

Blitzø slowly let go of Stolas and held the owl’s face as carefully as he could, as to not touch any of the cuts. Frowning, he tried to fix some of the feathers, but when Stolas winced, Blitzø realised this required more care than what he could offer in this position.

Standing up, he pulled Stolas with him and started to move towards the door.

“Where are we going?” Stolas asked.

Blitzø looked back at Stolas and a smile bloomed on his face at the look of surprise the other carried, “I’m going to take care of you because I know for a fact those feathers are hurting you and I also don’t want those cuts to possibly infect you”

He continued pulling Stolas behind him while the other talked. “You do know I can heal myself with a wave of my hand, right?”

“Yeah, I do” He said, matter of factly, “But just give me this one thing, please. I did this to you, the least I can do is start by fixing it”

“I did this, Blitzø, not you”

Blitzø opened the door to Stolas’ bathroom and finally let go of his hand to prepare a bath, the way he knew Stolas liked. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, pretty bird. I’m still going to help”

He looked back and saw Stolas at the door, not daring to enter. Sighing, he grabbed his hand again and pressed a small kiss into the palm.

“You deserve to be cared for, too. Let me be the one to care for you” He whispered, looking straight into Stolas’ eyes and meaning every word.

No more half-assed words. Now, he was owning up to his feelings and he wasn’t going to let it all go to waste.

It was time for a fresh page.

Scratch that, he was ready to write a whole new book with Stolas.

And Forgiveness was the first word in it.