Chapter Text
Evan rocks back on his heels as he stands at the counter of the day care, leaning to the side in attempt to see around the side of the doorway the kids come out of. It’s been a long week, and he’s been looking forward to his time off for more than a minute. Life has been busy in some form or another, between work, helping Maddie and Chimney out with the kids, and emergency time he’d taken off to take a trip to Texas when Eddie had called and mentioned breaking his leg in a home improvement incident. Granted, his schedule is much more lenient these days, but there’s still just something about the time he gets with his family that doesn’t compare.
“Dada!” Layla squeals as she comes around the counter, brown curls bouncing around her head as she careens towards him at full-tilt. He leans forward and sweeps her up easily as her room teacher, Miss Val walks up with Layla’s things. She’s got to be at least a decade younger than him if not more, and she’s a full foot shorter than he is, petite with auburn hair and freckles scattered across her nose and cheeks, complimenting her olive eyes.
“Hi sweet girl,” he greets with a chuckle, tucking her easily into his hip. He smiles at Val as she reaches him, taking Layla’s bag and the papers she’s always coming home with. They’re usually her daily works of art, but occasionally there’s more important stuff in with it.
“She had such a good day,” Miss Val tells him.
“Vivi!” Layla cheers. Evan furrows his brow at her with an amused expression before looking back at her teacher.
“Violetta is one of our new additions,” she explains. “She and Layla have been playing almost all day for the past few days. Seems to be a good thing.”
“Well good,” Evan replies cheerfully, bouncing Layla on his hip as he looks down at her once more.
“No, dada, Vivi!” Layla tells him. Evan glances back at Miss Val.
“I… I-is there- I mean I don’t want to just ask for information,” he stammers.
“No I absolutely understand,” Miss Val replies. “Violetta mentioned the same to her father yesterday. If you’d like, I can pass along basic contact information. Her dad usually does pickup later in the evening.”
Evan nods, glancing down at Layla once more. She’s settling more against him with her head on his shoulder. He likely has a limited amount of time to get her home before she’ll pass out on him completely for a few hours, and he doesn’t want to lose any of that time to the car ride because getting them ready for the rest of the night will be harder then.
“Yeah, that’s fine,” he replies. He glances once more in Miss Val’s direction with a quick thank you before he turns his attention fully to Layla as he heads for the door. “You had a good day, hey?”
“The best, dada,” she says with a yawn, nuzzling her face further into his neck. He smiles as he adjusts her around to his front, crossing in front of the day care until he reaches his car. He opens the back seat and gets her settled inside before getting in the drivers seat and going through the papers in his hand. They’re all doodles from the day that will inevitably end up on the fridge. He checks the rearview mirror once more, smiles when he sees Layla bobbing her head to the music before he puts the car in reverse.
“Let’s go home, baby girl.”
you had a thing for things that don’t last
Layla sleeps while Evan cleans the house, vacuuming their living room and working on dinner. He checks in on his phone here and there, but doesn’t receive any calls. By the time Layla is awake and starting to move around, dinner is about ready to come out of the oven. For his daughter, it’s the two-year old special of chicken nuggets and fries—never mind the fact that he made them by hand at the beginning of the week—while he places an order for takeout for himself. It’s hardly the healthiest option, but as long as his girls are taken care of, that’s all he cares about.
The front door opens as he’s pulling the baking pan from the oven, and he hears Layla squeal cheerfully. He chuckles as he settles the pan on the stove and turns off the oven before removing his mitts and walking around the corner.
“Did you say hi to Pops,” he asks as he leans against the doorway, watching Layla try to climb Bobby’s leg.
“Hi Grampa,” she says cheerfully as Bobby leans over the couch with the carseat.
“Well hello little lady,” he greets her back in the same cheerful tone. After a moment, he finishes fussing with the carseat and lifts the infant in it from inside. Evan crosses the room and takes her from him, smiling at the way she scrunches up before curling into him as he pulls her into his chest. Bobby picks Layla up and gives her a hug before holding her on his side.
“How was your day, Layla?” Bobby asks. “Smells like your dad made you something good.”
“Just came out of the oven,” Evan confirms. “It needs a minute to cool if you wouldn’t mind?”
Bobby shakes his head, gesturing his free hand toward the kitchen. “I can get her in her chair if you want to get Kinleigh settled.”
Evan nods, murmuring a thank you as he turns the younger girl on his shoulder until she’s curled into the crook of his arm. He crosses the room for the diaper bag and digs into it until he finds the thermometer he’d packed with her that morning. It’s a temporal one he’d spent a mint on after Layla was born, but anytime she’s come down ill, he’s been grateful he made the splurge. And now with Kinleigh, well…
“Last I checked she was just under 100,” Bobby calls out from the kitchen. “Chim and Maddie both seem to think she’ll be okay as long as you keep pushing the tylenol.”
Evan sighs as he turns the thermometer in his hand. The readout registers 100.2, which isn’t bad, but for two months old, it’s not great either. He tucks the thermometer into his pocket and then walks through the kitchen and around the corner until he reaches his bedroom. He retrieves the sling and slips it over his head before adjusting Kinleigh until she’s settled inside it, making minor adjustments on the strap until she’s settled where he wants her before he walks back out into the kitchen. Bobby is just finishing cutting up Layla’s nuggets for her.
“Tell Athena I said thanks again for today,” Evan tells him as he grabs a spare nugget and splits it in half before popping it in his mouth.
Bobby shakes his head at him as he passes Layla a fry. “We’re more than happy to take the girls any time.”
“I know,” Evan says after he’s swallowed. “I just- you guys didn’t sign up to deal with single parenthood-..”
“Neither did you, Buck,” Bobby reminds him.
Evan huffs softly, nodding after a moment.
“I appreciate it, is all,” he says after a moment. “Daycare wants her back to a regular temperature for at least 24 hours, and the training center is flexible, but they’re not that flexible.”
“I’m just glad things have settled in well for you over there,” Bobby tells him.
“I- I mean, I miss the 118,” Evan counters. “And may- maybe one day I can come back, but, the girls-..”
“You don’t have to explain it to me, Buck,” Bobby tells him. “It’s not like any of us planned this.”
Evan nods as he looks down at Kinleigh in the sling. She’s fast asleep against his chest, quiet other than the occasional hum.
“Layla seems to be settling in well at the new daycare,” he says after a few moments. He watches as Bobby helps Layla with her dinner with appreciative admiration. He’s more of a grandparent to both of his girls than he ever could’ve imagined.
“You like it,” Bobby asks Layla.
“Vivi!”
Evan chuckles as Bobby turns and looks at him with a confused expression.
“One of the other kids, I guess. Miss Val said that she mentioned Layla to her dad too, and they’re going to pass along my number so maybe we can get them set up on a playdate.”
“That’s good,” Bobby states. “It’ll be good to keep her socialized. It’s good that she’s…”
He doesn’t finish the sentence, but Evan doesn’t need him to. They both know what he means.
“Yeah.”
Bobby sticks around long enough to get Layla fed and changed into pajamas before heading out with the insistence that if he needs anything all all, that Evan should call him and Athena. As it is, when he finally moved earlier in the year, he’d managed to find a place just a few blocks from them, and that had been mostly on purpose.
After he has Layla in bed, Kinleigh wakes and he uses her wake time to get her bathed and into a fresh pajama onesie before giving her a bottle. It’s as she’s nodding off that he remembers he never got dinner. He finally places the order he’d intended to nearly three hours before, and as he’s moving to set the bottle aside, his phone chimes.
He glances down at it, half-expecting it to be an automated text about his food, only to realize it’s a number that he doesn’t recognize.
Hi, this might be weird?
This is Violetta’s dad, Tom.
Is this Layla’s parent?
Evan lets out a sigh, having briefly forgot about the arrangement. He sets his phone down and turns his attention back to Kinleigh, cuddling her until she falls asleep again before he settles her into the basinet by the couch. Before they go to bed for the night, he’ll move her into the crib by his bed, but he has hours of paperwork to get through.
Once his food has arrived and he’s gotten himself settled back on the couch, he retrieves his phone and reads the text again.
Yes.
Seems the girls are having a good bond at daycare.
She keeps asking about seeing “Vivi”.
Thought a playdate might be in order?
I’m Evan, btw.
He sets his phone aside for a few minutes, logging into his computer and pulling up the information he has on the current trainees at the academy. He’s behind on progress reports, and his short daily notes help, but they aren’t a solution for ensuring the new class is going to be adequately prepared if he doesn’t properly document their strengths and weaknesses.
Nearly half an hour passes with little more attention drawn away from his computer aside from the occasional bite of food. It isn’t until he’s decided he’s full that he checks the phone again and sees more texts.
V keeps asking about her too.
Could you arrange something this weekend?
I have a few days spare.
Evan glances up at his calendar on the fridge once he’s put his leftovers away and wiped down the counters. He had plans for a day at the park, but with Kinleigh’s virus, they may have to table that. Still, the girls have a pretty nice setup—he’s not exactly one to let them go without—so if this Tom would be okay with drinking coffee while the girls play in the back yard, that would solve a lot of problems.
He grabs his phone and types out a response.
I have the weekend free.
Could you do our house? My infant has a virus.
Would prefer to keep her at home. I have coffee (or beer).
He sets the phone aside again, fully cleaning up the kitchen before he heads back to his computer and starts working again. It isn’t until he starts yawning and Kinleigh starts stirring in her basinet for another bottle that he decides to give up on paperwork for the night. He slides his computer back into his work bag and lifts Kinleigh from her basinet, cuddling her and talking to her as he works on the new bottle.
His heart swells as he stares down at her face. Both of his girls have little things that make it clear how quintessentially his they are. Layla’s lips are just as bright pink and big as his own. Kinleigh has the same port wine stain. Layla got his curls but her mom’s dark brown hair, while Kinleigh got the blonde hair and blue eyes, although whether she’ll have curls remains to be seen.
Inside his bedroom, he curls into the rocking chair that’s technically supposed to be in the nursery, but Bobby moved it into his room before Kinleigh even made it home from the hospital, and he’s not ready to move it back or separate her from sleeping in the same room as him quite yet. Fortunately, the master bedroom is decently sized enough that the rocker, her sidecar crib, his bed, and a small entertainment center all fit with enough room to get around.
After she’s been fed and burped, Evan cuddles Kinleigh for a while longer, playing with her as much as she’s awake to be entertained, before he rocks her back to sleep. He settles her into the crib and then finally changes out of his clothes into a pair of sweatpants before crawling into his bed. As he’s plugging his phone in, he realizes he missed a text from earlier.
I can do that.
One tomorrow sound good?
He checks the time—it’s almost midnight, possibly too late too respond—but then decides to send back a yes anyway. There’s no way Layla will let them sleep past nine AM anyway, and Kinleigh will be up for another bottle by six.
Once he’s sent the text through, he sets his phone on the nightstand and curls toward the crib, watching Kinleigh for a few minutes, even as his eyes grow heavy and fight staying open. Still, it isn’t long before he’s fast asleep beside her.
When you’re dreaming, tell me are you seeing
Little feet dig into his ribs around four AM—a telltale sign that Layla has joined them in the master bedroom. By five, she’s sprawled across his chest, and when Kinleigh wakes up for her bottle at six, Layla is sprawled across Evan's lap. He manages to move her without waking her—it’s an art he’s had to perfect in recent weeks—and takes Kinleigh out of the room with him to the kitchen where he gets the bottle ready. She’s still so sleepy that it’s more of a dream feed than anything else, and by six thirty, they’re all back in bed.
Still, by nine, Layla is shaking him awake, just as he expected. Weary as he is, he crawls from the bed and tugs a t-shirt on before retrieving his sling and sliding Kinleigh into it before letting Layla usher him into the kitchen for breakfast. She gets an omelette with sliced fruit while he settles for a bagel with cream cheese, and then once she’s done, he gets Layla into the bath. During her ten minutes of playtime, he manages to change into jeans and an old LAFD hoodie from his days at the 118.
Once he has her dressed, he allows her the little bit of screen time he tries to limit, putting on Bluey while he gets coffee going for himself and manages to get a mandarin orange down while she’s distracted, if for no other reason than the fact that he’s still hungry.
Once the coffee is done, he gets Layla busy by giving her crayons and running a large piece of paper across the wall of the kitchen. It’s his one rule for her—one she follows fairly well. She’s allowed to color on the walls, only when they have paper on them. He’ll leave the paper up asl long as she wants to keep coloring the same sheet, and when she decides she wants a new sheet, he switches it out. The height of it is high enough that she can’t reach the top of it, and for the most part she’s careful about keeping the coloring to the paper. Plus, he’s already snapped a few photos of the scribbles she’s made and gotten two different tattoos of them. He’s considered getting even more, but has had to be reminded that Kinleigh will expect the same thing at some point, and he wants to be fair to her.
While Layla scribbles, he orders groceries and cleans up the play area inside the living room. It’s decently sized enough that they have a small ball pit, along with a fair amount of toys aside from the ones that already fill buckets in Layla’s room. He gives them a quick spray down of antibacterial spray just in case, and by the time he’s finished cleaning up, the groceries are being delivered.
He’s just finishing putting everything away when there’s a knock at his door.
“Friends?” Layla asks as she looks up at Evan. He checks the time and nods.
“Yeah, Lay. Friends. Maybe even one of your friends,” he states as reaches the front door. “You wanna say hi?”
She walks over to him and wraps and arm around his leg as he opens the door. His gaze shifts from Layla, who of course squeals with delight, to who he can only assume is Violetta standing in front of her. She’s maybe two or three inches taller, with dark brown pin-straight hair and hazel eyes. The two girls immediately hug and Evan grins, his gaze shifting up towards the adult with Violetta. His expression falls.
“T-Tommy.”
His ex-boyfriend stares back at him with an expression giving no more away than the shock Evan feels himself.
“I-… I didn’t-…I didn’t know,” Tommy says after a moment.
Evan glances down at the girls, half wanting to cancel the entire afternoon—he needs two days and a fifth of Jack to deal with seeing this man for the first time in….well, in years. But the joy on Layla's face is so palpable that he can’t do that to her.
He closes his eyes and takes a breath—astutely aware all too quickly at just how closely Tommy is standing to him, and the smell of his cologne, and how it still makes his knees just a little weak.
“Come in,” he rasps after a moment.
Tommy raises an eyebrow at him. “Are you sure?”
Evan gulps and nods. “Y-yeah.”
Tommy stares at him for a moment longer, but then Evan is stepping aside, granting more room for entrance into the house. Layla and Violetta are already digging into the toys and chatting up a storm so quickly that he can barely make out what they’re goofing around about, but they seem satisfied.
Once Tommy crosses the threshold, Evan closes the door and kneels down, reaching out for Layla’s arm. She turns toward him and Violetta looks up at him curiously.
“Girls, we’re just going to be in the kitchen, okay,” he tells them. “Come get us if you need anything.”
Layla’s attention is already off of him as soon as he mentions the kitchen, and Violetta follows her. Evan can’t help but chuckle just a little at how quickly the girls brush him off, but then he’s standing back up and walking into the kitchen.
“I uh, I offered you coffee,” he says, turning toward Tommy and gesturing toward him. “In the text, right? O-or do- do you want a beer?”
Tommy shakes his head, his gaze still in the living room, watching the girls play.
“No, coffee’s good,” he states softly.
Evan nods before setting about making a fresh cup for him. He swallows past the knot in his throat at the knowledge that it’s nothing for him to call up the way Tommy meticulously takes his coffee, and two minutes later, he’s sliding it across the counter, unable to look away as he watches the other man take the first sip. The micro-expression that crosses his face is one he used to be so used to, always watching for after he made the other man his first cup of the day. It makes something swell inside of him while also making him want to kick himself for still feeling something even after all this time—and apparently, three kids later.
He takes a few sips of his own coffee, leaning against the corner between the sink and the stove to leave a generous amount of space between them. It’s easier to stand there in the silence than it is to figure out how to even start to talk about how they’ve found themselves in this position. Still, even if he’s content to let the silence wither on, apparently Tommy isn’t.
“S-so. Two kids,” he comments, although there isn’t any malice behind it.
“Yep,” Evan replies. He takes another sip of his coffee before finally setting it down and glancing down at Layla. She’s due to be up soon for a little while, but he’s still been tracking her fever. He looks back up at Tommy. “And you apparently settled down.”
Tommy inhales a sharp breath, glancing back into the living room again. Evan watches him for a moment, sees a complicated expression cross over his face before a softness settles into it. He recognizes it from the way the other man used to look at him.
“She was a safe haven surrender,” he states softly. “Past the seventy-two hour limit. They assumed at least a few weeks old, but we’re not super sure even now. Just that it’s somewhere around a month.”
Evan gulps. “Did-…did they-..”
Tommy shakes his head, looking back at him. “No information. And no one ever came forward. I-…she was supposed to be temporary. B-but she…a-and I still wasn’t doing well.”
“You saved her,” Evan says softly, surprising even himself as he continues to watch Tommy watch their daughters.
Tommy lets out a soft laugh, somewhat rueful. “We saved each other. And after that, when the option was presented to me, I couldn’t let her go.” He pauses for a moment, taking another sip of his coffee and letting out a quiet, sated ‘ahh’ as he sets it back against the counter.
“But that’s about as close to settled down as I’ve gotten,” he states in response to Evan’s comment. There’s the slightest hint of cockiness in his expression, but it quickly seeps away as he glances down at the sling Evan is wearing and then back up at him. “But you, you seem to have figured it out. I mean, two kids-..”
Kinleigh’s cries cut Tommy off, and Evan slides his arm into it, pulling her out with one arm and then pulling the sling off and setting it aside before curling her up in his arms. She snuffles briefly, but once she’s settled in his arms, she calms, nuzzling against his chest.
“Daddy’s got you,” he whispers to her, brushing his thumb against her birthmark. She’s still warm, but no warmer than she has been for the past few days. She coos at him, wiggling a little in his arms before settling again, blinking a few times. Evan grabs her pacifier from where it’s clipped onto her outfit and slides it into her mouth, which quickly has her eyes drooping again.
There’s the hint of something on Tommy’s face when he finally looks up at him again, but it’s gone just as quickly, and he gulps as the other man straightens up in his seat.
“Seems like the girls have really taken to each other,” he comments, looking back into the living room again. Evan leans over just enough to see them. They’ve made it into the ball pit and are throwing them out onto the floor, but they’re giggling so much that he’ll deal with the mess with no complaints.
“I’m glad Layla’s found someone to play with,” he states. “The daycare move wasn’t exactly planned.”
Tommy nods, although he doesn’t push for information. Silence falls between them again, and this time it’s more uncomfortable. Evan doesn’t like it, and so he starts making small talk. He asks Tommy if he’s still at the 217, talks about his transfer to the academy, and somehow two hours disappear in a conversation that barely scrapes the surface, but it’s also all it takes for the ease they always held to reappear. By the time the girls are asking for a snack, they’re laughing together, working on their third cups of coffee and it just feels….comfortable.
“Dada, we see momma soon,” Layla asks as he tears open a package of fruit snacks for her. He’d already passed one to Tommy, and he’s painfully aware of the other man’s gaze on him.
Evan gulps.
“No, Lay, I’m sorry,” he tells her softly. “Remember, momma…we can’t go see momma anymore.”
Layla stares at him for a moment before her expression shifts. “Oh. Yeah.”
“I’m sorry,” he tells her again, brushing a hand down her cheek. “I know it’s not the same, but maybe we can see Aunt Maddie tonight or tomorrow. Would you like that?”
Layla nods, although her expression guts him. She’s far too much like him in some ways—all too willing to stay silent and cry alone—and for a situation like hers, it’s not fair.
He kisses her forehead and hugs her tightly, keeping her close for a few moments until she seems okay again. Violetta mentions a toy, and that seems to be enough to shift her attention for the moment. Evan gives a silent thank you for small favors and lets Layla down to go play again.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” Tommy says softly when the girls are out of earshot again.
Evan shrugs as he moves toward the sink. Kinleigh is also awake and squirming, and he huffs softly, trying to get her to settle so he can work on a new bottle for her.
“Can-… I don’t want to overstep,” Tommy says. “But can I help?”
Evan glances over at him, and then down at Kinleigh. He considers it briefly, and then after a moment, he steps over and lets Tommy lift her from his arm. He’s wary to step away, half-expecting Kinleigh to start screaming, given that she’s been slow to warm to even his closest loved ones, but she takes to Tommy like a fish to water, quickly cuddling up to him when he has her settled on his arm.
Evan steps back over to the sink, his brow still furrowed in a mix of confusion and shock from Kinleigh’s reaction as he works on the new bottle. Once he has it filled, he steps away from the sink and grabs the formula.
“How long has it been,” Tommy asks tentatively, his gaze locked on Kinleigh.
“Two months,” Evan replies.
Tommy’s head snaps up in his direction. “Didn’t you say-..”
Evan nods as he pulls the lid from the formula and sets it aside.
“She uh, it was a rare complication. She had a placental abruption four weeks early, and they couldn’t get the bleeding to stop,” he explains. “They did everything they could, but then she had an amniotic embolism. S-so it’s just me and the girls.”
“Fuck, Evan,” Tommy whispers, shaking his head. “I can’t even imagine. I don’t know how you’re even getting along right now.”
“I mean I have help,” he states. “Bobby, and my sister and Chimney. Eddie does what he can from Texas.”
“Still,” Tommy counters. “Your coparent, your…girlfriend? Fiancée? Partner?”
“Oh,” Evan says, his eyes suddenly going wide. “Um, no.”
“No?” Tommy questions, looking up at him as Evan scoops the formula powder into the bottle.
“No,” he confirms. “Katrina and I were friends, and then there were benefits that unintentionally led to Layla. A-and then when she was about a year old, we’d had a number of conversations about whether we wanted her to have a sibling, and how we felt about being done with one or having one more. S-so…”
“So you were just raising kids together,” Tommy surmises.
Evan nods. “She worked really well with my schedule too. A-and she was in a pretty serious relationship towards the end. Met a girl who she explained our situation to, and it seemed like they were going to go the distance.”
Tommy is quiet for a time then. Evan mixes the formula and then passes the bottle off to him, and his stomach swirls with emotions as he watches the man he asked to spend his future with feed his daughter. It’s a complicated mess of feelings, knowing that he wouldn’t trade his daughters for anything—and he has to believe that Tommy feels the same about Violetta—but he also never expected that he’d get the sight before him, and he also can’t express how just a few hours around the other man has charged an inferno inside him to see this sight again.
“Did you…” Evan pauses, scratching the side of his head nervously. “I mean, were you ever with-…was there ever…?”
Tommy looks up at him, and there’s the hint of the sadness that had been on his face all those years ago in the kitchen of the loft.
“No,” he admits quietly. Kinleigh coos, wiggling in his arm, and looks back down at her, unable to stop the smile that crosses his face. “No, I never- I mean I still-…no.”
Evan nods, continuing to watch the other man as he feeds Kinleigh. He desperately wants to take a picture, to freeze this moment, but he knows that would be overstepping, asking too much.
Minutes pass in silence that Evan tries to fill by wiping down the counter and looking at the pre-made menu on the fridge that’s more for Layla than himself. He’s still staring at it, trying to figure out what to do next when Tommy’s voice cuts through his thoughts.
“I thought you would have.”
He inhales a deep breath as he turns around. It takes all he has in him to keep his tone even, to remind himself that there are kids involved now.
“I tried and failed,” he states. “I was-…I was in love with this person, and they just couldn’t hear me, and I never got over it.”
Tommy nods as he watches Kinleigh eat, mowing the words over in his head.
“That’s unfortunate,” he comments after a while. “Sad to imagine that someone could be lucky enough to have you and stupid enough to walk away from it.”
Your last name has changed on everything
But it’s still the same in my phone
By dinner time, Tommy has suggested more than once that it’s time to get going, that Violetta will need to get settled in for bed soon, and Evan knows the same about Layla, but the conversation never stops. It’s like a weird form of Midwest nice, which is funny considering neither of them is from there, but they just keep talking. Eventually, he finds himself working on dinner for the two girls and ordering takeout for the two of them while Tommy continues to hold Kinleigh. There’s a heat that keeps growing in the center of Evan's chest every time he looks back at the other man and seeing him holding his newborn, but it’s all he can do to stuff it down and not think about the implications of it all.
When he finishes dinner for the toddlers, he manages to wrangle Layla into her high chair while he takes Kinleigh back from Tommy and he holds Violetta and helps her with her own food.
“Try daddy,” Violetta tells him as she shoves a chopped up nugget into his mouth. Tommy chuckles and acquiesces, chewing the small piece and swallowing before glancing over at Evan with a surprised expression.
“You made these?” He asks.
Evan nods. “Kinda figured getting the girls as close to organic as possible was the least I could do.”
“If I didn’t know better, I’d think they were from V’s favorite fast food place,” Tommy tells him. “And that’s the compliment you think it is.”
Evan chuckles, wiping a stripe of ketchup off of Layla’s face.
“Yeah, well, I try. I can fool her most of the time, but she gets her nuggets from there every now and then,” he admits. “Definitely more so lately, but we’re working on it.”
“Well I mean, I know she just met me, but I- I can- i-if you need help with coverage,” Tommy stammers through the sentence.
“I do okay,” Evan admits with a nod. “But um, thanks. I’ll keep it in mind. Being over at the academy now makes my shifts a lot more manageable.”
Silence sits between them for a few minutes as the girls eat dinner and then Evan cleans up Layla’s face while he passes Tommy a cloth to do the same for Violetta, and then the girls are off again, this time into Layla’s bedroom to investigate her toys there. Shortly after, dinner arrives while Evan is checking in on the girls. When he returns to the kitchen with an awake Kinleigh, Tommy is settling the bag onto the counter.
“Hey, you- you didn’t have to pay,” he says, shifting Kinley on his arm. “I could’ve-..”
“You’ve hosted V and I all day,” Tommy counters with a dismissive wave. “It’s the least I could do.” He pauses for a moment, glancing down at Kinleigh. “Although, how is this going to work with someone awake,” he says as he makes eyes at the infant. She wiggles in Evan’s arm and he glances down at her, chuckling.
“I have a bouncer in the other room she can sit in,” he states. “If you wouldn’t mind again-..”
“Of course,” Tommy replies, extending his hands. Evan passes her over, holding his breath as he does while his heart hammers in his chest as Tommy’s fingers brush over the inside of his forearm and along his ribs. Once he has her, Evan walks out of the room and around the corner into his bedroom. He steps inside the room and leans against the wall for a brief moment, forcing deep breaths down.
It’s been four years. He shouldn’t still feel this way after less than six hours, and yet…
The girls giggling in Layla’s room cracks through his thoughts, and he stands up straight, remembering why he came in here.
He retrieves the bouncer and then pops his head into Layla’s room on his way through. It’s quickly becoming just as much of a disarray as the living room is, but that will be a problem for later. Anything that keeps his daughter’s mind occupied from the fact that her mom is gone now is something he’s grateful for. If that has to be Tommy and his daughter, he’ll take it.
“Everything okay,” Tommy asks when he walks back into the kitchen.
“Yeah,” Evan raps, a little too insistently. He sets the bouncer up on the counter and then takes Kinleigh back, strapping her into it while Tommy opens the bag of takeout. It’s Italian, which they always ate so much of when they were together, but from a newer place around the corner that Evan likes to order from when…well, when.
“This is from that place down the street, right,” Tommy asks as Evan passes him cutlery. “I think they opened another location by Harbor.”
Evan nods. “Yeah, I get it every now and then when I need a pick-me-up.”
Tommy smiles softly at him before cracking open one of his containers and dipping a breadstick into it. The marinara sauce is house made, and the way he sighs as he chews his first bite has Evan’s heart fluttering.
“So good,” Tommy states as he chews. Evan chuckles at him.
They get sucked into easy conversation again as they eat, and then before long, they’re finishing and Evan steps into the living room to clean up after the girls while Tommy takes a call from work and then checks in on the girls. As Evan is tossing the last of the balls back into the ball pit, Tommy emerges in the doorway, looking a little haunted.
“Everything okay,” Evan asks as he stands back up.
“They uh… they fell asleep,” he states. Evan raises his eyebrows in surprise.
“Really?”
Tommy nods. “They’re passed out on your daughter’s bed.”
Evan lets out a small chuckle. It seems both ridiculous and yet makes absolute sense that he and Tommy would get so sucked into talking that an entire day would go by and their children would fall asleep.
“I mean, Layla didn’t take a nap today,” he says after a moment, stepping past Tommy to walk back in the kitchen and check on Kinleigh still in her bouncer. She’s snoozing but not actually asleep, and before long, she’ll want to eat again.
“V didn’t either,” Tommy comments, turning around. He stands against the door frame for a few moments longer. “Look, I don’t want to put you out-..”
“You’re not,” Evan tells him quickly. “They’re probably not out for the night, so we can just let them rest for a bit.” He’s lying, and he knows he’s lying, and Tommy will probably call him on it, but-
“Okay.”
Well then.
Evan starts picking up the kitchen counter, and Tommy returns to the same spot he’s been sitting in for the better part of the day.
“Can I offer you that beer now,” Evan asks as he places dishes in the sink.
“I’m still good,” Tommy tells him. “Water is fine. Can I help clean up?”
Evan fill a glass and then passes it to him before looking around the counter.
“Actually, I’ve got it, but Kinleigh’s going to be hungry again in a few minutes if you wouldn’t mind while I get this done,” he asks.
“Sure,” Tommy answers.
Evan nods, finishing up cleaning the counter while he fills his wash basin with warm, soapy water. About the time it finishes, Kinleigh is kicking in her bouncer and starting to fuss. Tommy goes to lift her out only to pull his hands back, concerned.
“Evan? She's still really warm,” he comments, concerned.
“Fuck," Evan whispers under his breath. “Hang on.”
He rushes into his bedroom and retrieves the thermometer where he had abandoned it the night before, and then grabs the tylenol from her diaper bag before returning to the kitchen. He quickly takes her temperature while drawing up a fresh dose into a small syringe.
“Where’s she at,” Tommy asks when the thermometer beeps.
Evan glances down at it and huffs, frustrated.
“Just under a hundred and one. I should take her in, but they’re just going to send us home again and tell me to push fluids and tylenol.”
Tommy takes the syringe from him and gently squeezes Kinleigh’s face, angling the syringe well enough that she gets it down quickly. He glances up at Evan once he’s done and watches the younger man rub his eyes in a frustrated manner.
“Are you okay,” he asks softly.
Evan lifts his head and shakes it, letting out another huff. His eyes are shiny as he gnaws at the inside of his lip.
“Katrina had so much of a better handle on it all when Lay was sick,” he rasps. “I just did what she told me to.”
Tommy gulps and nods. In love or not, losing your partner in any type of situation is not an easy one, and he can only imagine the situation Evan is in, losing the mother to his children, even if they were just friends with kids.
“I mean, I don’t have all the answers, but I can offer moral support,” he comments.
Evan nods, giving way to a small but grateful smile. After a moment though, his eyes grow wide and he suddenly rushes over to one of the cupboards.
“Okay,” Tommy murmurs. “What just woke Wolverine?”
“The- She- she had milk freeze-dried,” Evan explains, opening multiple cupboards and digging through them. “After Layla was born, a couple of times. And there was a batch she specifically- yes!” He stops as he pulls out a canister and grins down at it, shaking it once before he pulls out a packet and walks over to the sink. Tommy is still watching him with a confused expression as Kinleigh starts fussing in the bouncer again. He turns back to her and takes her out of it, curling her blanket around her as he bounces her lightly.
“Care to share with the class,” Tommy asks. “Freeze-dried milk?”
“Yeah,” Evan explains. “Breast milk. Anyway, we had talked about it when Layla was first born because her supply was up so much, and we’d already had a batch done when she got sick for the first time, so we had this one sent in because it had the antibodies.” He lets out a relieved sigh as he works on the bottle, letting out another small laugh as a tear rolls down his cheek. “She’s still taking care of them.”
When he finishes filling the bottle, he turns towards Tommy with it, catching a sympathetic expression on his face as Evan wipes the tear from his own cheek. Tommy takes the bottle from him and Kinleigh takes to it quickly. Evan turns toward the sink and finally starts in on the dishes, occasionally looking up to check in on both of them. The bottle is gone before he’s done, and he takes it from Tommy to wash.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think your baby likes me,” Tommy jokes as he curls a hand beneath Kinleigh and shifts her slightly on his chest. She huffs quietly, nuzzling closer to him beneath the blanket he has over her.
“I’ve noticed,” Evan comments, glancing over from where he’s nearly elbow-deep in dishes. Tommy glances up at him.
“I’m sorry. Did I say something?”
Evan shakes his head. “No, not at all. I just mean, she spent weeks in the NICU. She’s a little bitchy when it comes to new people because of that, e-even Maddie and Bobby. But she’s clearly got no problem with you.”
Tommy lets out a soft chuckle, settling Kinleigh higher on his shoulder. She nuzzles up into his neck, curling up tightly against his chest.
“S-so Violetta,” Evan comments as he continues washing the dishes. “After your mom?”
Tommy nods, continuing to bounce Kinleigh.
“Thought it was the least I could do,” he states. “Never thought I’d be trying to name a baby, but suddenly there I was. The fact that it pissed my father off on his death bed just made it that much better.”
Evan nods, settling a bottle into the drying rack.
“What about Layla? And Kinleigh,” Tommy asks.
Evan glances over at him. “Well Katrina picked Layla and I offered up Danielle for her middle name.” He pauses for a moment. “A-and Kinleigh, I had to decide on myself. We had decided that we would pick her name when she was born because we didn’t want to know the gender, and then she was gone.” He refrains from commenting that in the depths of that hell, the only person he had wanted to call was Tommy because even after four years, no one else understood the dustiest parts of his soul the way the other man did. “Anyway, her full name is MacKinleigh Madeline Katerina.”
The room is quiet for a few moments as Evan continues washing the dishes and doesn’t say anything further. When it starts to feel too tense, he glances back over at Tommy, whose gaze is still locked on him.
“Can- can you check her temperature again,” he asks.
Tommy shifts Kinleigh down and grabs the thermometer, following through on Evan’s request as he finishes the last of the dishes. As Evan dries his hands, the thermometer beeps, and glances over at them again.
“Just under 100 now,” Tommy tells him, settling the thermometer back on the counter. Evan lets out a small sigh, leaning against the counter and rubbing his eyes again. He crosses his arms afterward and looks across the room, crossing one leg over the other. It’s been hours, and every minute just feels like it’s building more and more toward something, and he's at a point where he feels like if he doesn’t say something, he might burst.
“It’s been four fucking years,” he mutters, staring at a spot on the floor.
“What’s that,” Tommy asks. Evan glances up at him, down at Kinleigh in his arms, and then back up at the other man, trying to keep his emotions reigned in.
“It’s been four years,” he repeats. “And-…” His eyes trail again before looking back up at Tommy. “I still don’t understand what you thought I was supposed to hold out for.”
Tommy’s own expression shifts, giving way to a sadness that Evan remembers all too well from their breakup, except this time Kinleigh is in his arms and he can’t just bolt out the doors.
“Evan, I don’t-..”
“No,” Evan counters, keeping his tone soft. “You got to have the last word then. You ended things, you walked away, you told me you couldn’t be my last, and I spent two fucking years spiraling around this town, trying to figure out what the hell that meant and what I was supposed to do about it. And you know, when Katrina found out she was pregnant with Layla, I thought, okay, maybe I can do this. Maybe I can settle down with someone because we’re having a kid together. But we figured out pretty quickly after that, that it wasn’t going to happen. And the thing is, Tommy, women throw themselves at single dads, never mind single dads who are firefighters. But it didn’t matter because none of them were you.” He pauses for a moment, inhaling and exhaling in harsh breaths. “You know I fucked their mom more time than I can count, had two kids with her, and at the end of the night, I still couldn’t stop thinking about you? Do you know how fucked that is?”
Tommy doesn't move as Evan speaks, doesn’t argue back. He lets the other man have his moment—one he’s admittedly deserved for four years. As Evan finishes though, his stomach sinks, because he does know. Whether he’d admitted it to himself at the time, he’d been through the same things, felt the same ways.
“Before V, and after us, I told myself I could move on,” he answers in the same soft tone to keep from waking any of the girls. “I'd go on these dates, and I’d inevitably end up playing this game in my head where I was making comparisons. It pissed me off after a while, so I tried to figure out how to stop doing that, except I couldn’t. Even when I knew I was doing it and actively tried not to, I was still comparing these men to you. How they looked, how their voices sounded, if they had a birthmark over their eye…” He pauses for a moment, the sadness returning to his expression. “And that sent me down a really dark path. Eventually I came to the conclusion that there just wasn’t going to be someone else. And without V…” Tommy shakes his head. Kinleigh shifts in his hands and he glances down at her, suddenly remembering she’s still in his hold.
“Without V what,” Evan presses him. When Tommy glances up at him again, Evan uncrosses his arms and leans his hands against the counter behind him. “We might as well lay all the cards out now, Tommy.”
Tommy stares past him for a moment, clearly contemplating. When he finally looks back at Evan, he shrugs.
“I was actively suicidal for a long time,” he admits with a nod. “It got to a point where my license was on the line, and I had been grounded for a few months.”
“Why didn’t you call me,” Evan asks, pushing away from the counter and moving closer until only the peninsula is separating them. “I would’ve-..”
“I know you would have,” Tommy counters. “That was kind of the problem. I-… I knew going back to you would only make it worse, because you would’ve moved on and found what you were looking for and-..”
“There wasn’t anyone or anything to find,” Evan whisper yells at him, shaking his head as tears burn his eyes. His gaze keeps shifting between Tommy and Kinleigh and the fact that they’re arguably the two people—aside from Layla—that he loves most in the world and came the closest to losing, without having an option to keep them.
“What part of I was in love with you was so hard to understand earlier,” he asks. “What part of I'm still in love with you doesn’t connect now?”
Tommy stares at him silently again, trying to find the words to respond. For all the things he’d thought Evan might ever say to him again—thanks for breaking up with me, I found who I belong with; you were right—none of it included this conversation.
“I’ve spent this whole damn afternoon watching you with my kids, seeing you hold my newborn, and the only thing I’ve been able to think about is how it feels selfish to keep wanting it,” Evan tells him. “That I’m probably asking for too much, because I always do, and that’s how I lost you in the first place. That there’s not a version of this life where I’d trade the girls, and yet-…fuck, Tommy, there has never been anyone else to find.”
Tommy is still silent. His gaze shifts back and forth for a few moments, and then he stands and rests Kinleigh in the bouncer before turning away and his hand resting against his neck in a scene Evan wishes he could erase from memory.
“If you’re going to leave again, just do it,” he rasps, his throat tight. “I’ll find a different daycare-..”
He’s cut off suddenly with lips on his own, familiar hands wrapped around his hips, and after the half-second it takes for his brain to process what’s happening, his arms find their way around Tommy’s head, holding him close as he kisses the other man back with just as much fervor. Four years of love, pain, and anguish flood between them as hands grip tighter, hanging on to one another for dear life until they’re forced to break for air. They only get a few breaths down, though, before Evan’s lips are back on Tommy’s chasing each other’s mouths for the next few minutes until Kinleigh coos in her bouncer, drawing their attention away from one another.
Evan lets out a laugh, turning his head toward her, though Tommy’s hands are still firm on his hips. He retrieves Kinleigh from the bouncer and then holds her between them as she snuggles in his arm, settling back into her slumber. Tommy’s hand leaves his hip only to come up and stroke the top of Kinleigh's head.
“Letting myself love V was hard,” he comments quietly, still staring down at Kinleigh. “I didn’t think I could let anyone else into my heart after walking away from you. But then I had her, and it was easy to care about her in all the ways she needed, but actually letting myself acknowledge loving her was different. Kids love so easily and I just…anyway, I never saw a version of my life where I’d be able to love anyone else.”
Evan looks up at him, his expression nonjudgmental and also curious.
“I’m sorry, I’m having trouble following,” he says, staring into Tommy's eyes.
Tommy inhales a deep breath. “Loving you was easy. Walking away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, until I had to let myself love my daughter, at which point I didn’t see a way where anyone else ever came along and would work their way in.” He pauses for a moment. “Loving you is still so easy, Evan.” Tommy’s thumb strokes over his hip as he says the words, and then his gaze falls down toward Kinleigh, he gets it.
It almost feels ridiculous to acknowledge out loud, and he can’t help the smile that tugs at the corners of his mouth as he leans his forehead against Tommy’s.
“Are you suggesting there’s room in your heart for two more little girls,” he asks softly.
“Maybe just a little,” Tommy whispers back.
I don’t know you like this
But he don’t know you like that
Little elbow dig into Evan’s chest around two AM, eliciting a round of grunts in the bedroom as his eyes stay shut. He smooths a hand down Layla’s back with soft shushes as his other hand instinctively reaches into the side car, feeling for Kinleigh until his fingers find one of her hands. There’s more shifting of limbs, a leg tangled over his own, and then the world is quiet again.
He sleeps. He sleeps so late that he wakes up instinctively, half-panicked when it’s not to the sound of Kinleigh crying, until his eyes crack open and he has a moment to take it all in.
Layla is still passed out on his chest, snoring softly. In the space beside her, Violetta is curled away from them, dug into the ribs of her father. Kinleigh is curled up on his chest, sucking on her pacifier, also fast asleep. As Evan’s eyes trail up, he finds Tommy’s head faced toward him, also asleep with his right hand extended across the small space on the bed, resting on Evan’s thigh.
He lets out a weary sigh as his eyes slip shut again. So much has been said, and there will still be so much more to say. There are logistics to figure out, answer to questions that they’ll need to solve, and that’s before they even begin trying to explain things to their loved ones. But for all the things he had hoped for, for the rest of his life, this one was something that never even felt like a possibility, and yet…
And yet.