Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Officially, it all started five years ago. 

Right after their career had started to take off, it became apparent that Hyunjin was hiding something that was bothering him too much, considering the boy had never been the best person at covering the truth. He was shit at it during games and he was even worse when it involved things that were dear to him. He had always been too candid—too emotional.

“I’m gay,” Hyunjin said, in a late-night group meeting that he had asked Chan to initiate. 

They were surprised, although not everyone. Some were better at being diplomatic about it, and some were dogshit at suppressing the inappropriate ‘oh I knew’. They were young so they didn’t exactly know how to react. When Hyunjin started tearing up at their silence, it was Felix who rushed forward to hug him awkwardly. 

“Thank you,” Felix said, in his usual fashion of too much sincerity.

At that time, Changbin only felt glad, he didn’t understand much, but he was glad that Hyunjin trusted the team enough to tell them. He hugged Hyunjin afterward. Assuring him that this had changed nothing, if anything, Changbin had many handsome male friends to introduce. 

Hyunjin laughed, insisting he was not interested in dating straight boys. 

Then, later, Chan had them sit down to talk about the topic as a group. 

The young leader was not entirely prepared for the occurrence, but he was genuine in his conviction to learn. Changbin thought secretly that Hyunjin definitely had found the talk a bit too mortifying, but the sentiment was also too sweet so no one was against it. 

The talk turned out to be a good idea though, as it prompted Jisung’s own exclamation of how relatable the whole thing was for him.

“Is there anyone else who wants to come out?” Hyunjin joked, while hugging a squirming Jisung.

Felix coughed at that. 

“What?” he said. At everyone’s shocked stare, he made a gesture to defend himself. “I thought everyone knew!”

So, that was years ago and despite the initial surprise and talks, nothing much changed. 

They had dating bans. After the dating ban was lifted, they were too busy to actually consider dating. He knew some of them had casually seen other people, but it had never been too serious, never too important that they had to be introduced to the team. 

It was the same for him. He had a girlfriend, once, before they debuted. Then, he had friends who flirted with him sometimes. When it was safe enough, a hookup would be on the table. It was not as if he was trying to prevent himself from pursuing a relationship, it was just that for some reasons he had never been too attracted to anyone to consider the notion. 

Over the years, Changbin observed certain facts like the secret knowledge that many people in the industry were gay. There were rumors, but there were also a few that did not bother to even consider the closet. One of them was another former trainee of JYP who was also coincidentally a good friend of Hyunjin. He thought it was neat, he was glad Hyunjin had friends that could understand him. 

Hyunjin laughed himself silly when Changbin told him that.

“Yeah, it’s nice. I guess? Ideally. But sometimes we also fought so I don’t talk to him anymore. It’s just like any other friend, sometimes I can be an asshole, he can be an asshole, and friendship ends,” Hyunjin said, while laying down in their shared dorm, anime forgotten in the background.

“You fought?”

“Yeah? it’s not a big deal.” Clearly a lie. 

“You haven’t told me about this!” 

“What? Do you want me to tell you everything?” Hyunjin replied, incredulous. 

But Changbin was serious, he had always been serious. 

“Yeah! You need to tell hyung everything. I want to know everything about Hwang Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin laughed hard as he pushed Changbin off the bed. It was a beautiful sound that induced dopamine. 

“Okay. I’ll tell you everything.”

And that was it, they made a promise. 

After that, Hyunjin started telling him things. It was not quite everything, but Hyunjin would tell him things that he was so sure the other boy had never divulged to anyone else. Sometimes, it was things of big importance, like when he was asked to collaborate with his favorite artist and did not know how to get approval from the company. Sometimes, it was much more trivial details like when he found Changbin’s PT hot.

Perhaps it made him too sure, too sure that he knew everything, that Hyunjin would tell him everything. 

Which, as he discovered later on one fine day, is not always the case.

—

Changbin is at the cafeteria in the company building, trying to get any drink to keep himself alive when he hears Hyunjin’s sweet singing voice coming through the speaker. 

Not to be too prideful, but Changbin is a dependable friend. Hyunjin has a rather distinct voice and Changbin has heard even his drafts, things that most people are not privy to. While Changbin might not remember every single one of their group’s songs in great detail, he knows when he has heard the song previously or not, especially when it is a Hyunjin’s song.

So imagine his shock when realization dawns that he cannot quite place the sound.

“Hyunjin made a new song?” he blurts out loud.

Seungmin blinks, very slowly. 

“You didn't know?” he asks back.

Changbin shakes his head, just as slowly. 

“How?” Seungmin questions, as if he has committed a grievous crime. 

Well, he does feel like he has committed a crime he is completely unaware of. Surely, that is the only explanation possible on why his roommate who usually would tell him everything, even the silliest occurrence like the lonely blooming flower he found on the sidewalk, somehow chose to not inform him about releasing a song. 

“I didn't,” he confirms, again.

“He posted the song last night. Wow. I thought he would send it to you first,” Seungmin says, not bothering to hide his grave astonishment. 

I thought so too. 

“Clearly not.” Changbin laughs it off in an attempt to make the air feel less like in a criminal court.

It's not working well. 

Changbin has never been the best at multitasking and now his brain is working overdrive without caffeine to remember what he did the night before. Well, he had gone to bed early. He had his door open, as per usual, because Hyunjin had not come home even when it was already way past midnight. Changbin is not a possessive roommate, but usually Hyunjin would tell him his plans, whenever he plans to stay out late so that he doesn't have to worry if someone has kidnapped their precious dancer. 

Ever since they moved to the place that belongs only to the two of them, they have tried to be considerate of each other. Yet at the very first place, there is not much to be considerate of, not between them who have lived with each other for so long. Sure, they have their own rooms, but Hyunjin has never been too particular if Changbin wants to visit or bother him. Changbin knows Hyunjin’s habits, his little ticks, his projects and the schedule for the next week. 

They are comfortable. They trust each other. Hyunjin tells Changbin everything.

This does not make any sense. 

…and Changbin clearly has been too absorbed in his own thoughts because the next thing he knows Seungmin is handing him his coffee order.

“Ah, you remember my order,” he coos. 

Seungmin rolls his eyes. “Let’s go back before we get scolded.”

Back at the dance studio, Hyunjin, the subject of his increasingly wild presumptions, is busy stretching himself against the wall. Black hair tied with a red hair tie and white shirt pressing loosely against his figure, he looks beautiful because that is the fundamental fact of his existence.

What is not usual is Hyunjin keeping things from him. A song!

Changbin is not the best at keeping things repressed so he approaches him from behind. Hands tentatively touching Hyunjin’s strong shoulders where the result of his exercising can be felt, they are stretched and solid under Changbin’s grubby fingers.

“Hi, hyung,” Hyunjin greets, while trying to kiss his own knees.

“Good morning, gorgeous,” he answers, starting strong by acknowledging a solid scientific fact. 

Hyunjin giggles, because that is also the natural order of things. “You said your good morning already, earlier.”

“I will keep saying it so that you will always have a good morning.”

Hyunjin giggles, again. Changbin counts this as a win, also as per usual. 

Things are going smoothly. There is no problem. Everything is fine. So, Changbin goes straight for the kill.

“Did you release a song yesterday?” he asks, in his most normal, casual voice.

Hyunjin does not answer immediately, but he hums, after a few seconds.

“Oh, yes. Have you heard the song? Do you like it?”

Changbin blinks. 

Not the answer he expected. He expected–what did he expect? Explanation?

“I heard it in the cafeteria. I just found out about it this morning. Oh, I like it, of course.”

Hyunjin hums again; it’s to the tone of his song. He rotates his body so that they are sitting next to each other, cracking his knuckles before nodding again. “Let me know if you have any thoughts or constructive criticism for it.”

Changbin blinks, again. He is doing a lot of blinking today.

“Usually you would ask that before you published the song,” he finally says, unable to stop the whining from sipping out. 

He is rewarded with a smile. “You can give criticism after the song is published.”

Changbin cannot keep it down any longer.

“How can you not tell me about this song, Hyunjin-ah? I haven’t heard it properly, but it sounded beautiful. I like the chord progression, too. You sounded sad, did you watch another sad movie?”

He expects Hyunjin to laugh and make excuses, but instead, there is a somber look coloring his face.

“Sorry, I was afraid I would chicken out if I received criticism.”

Huh. 

He has always been candid with Hyunjin. “That’s odd. You always want an opinion beforehand.”

“Not for this one, hyung. This one is personal,” Hyunjin says with a tsk . There is a small smile on his beautiful lips, Changbin can see the glistening lip gloss accentuating its shape perfectly.

“Personal? Aish, then I have to listen to it carefully.”

Hyunjin nods. He looks almost… despondent? Changbin is not sure, which throws him off the kilter again. It is not even nine o’clock yet.

“Please tell me what you think about it,” he requests, again. 

The conversation is cut short by Minho’s behest for everyone to stand up and be prepared. As Changbin realizes that he has used his warming up time for a very productive conversation with Hyunjin, he immediately runs to position while doing light stretching. Minho notices, scowling disapprovingly. 

“Five more minutes to warm up. No more canoodling.”

— 

After practice, he has a schedule with Chan and Jisung in the studio. He finishes his lunch real quick before immediately rushing to the location—he wants to be alone for the first proper listening of Hyunjin’s song. The recording studio equipment is also miles better than any cafeteria speaker or wireless buds. After all, Hyunjin’s song deserves the best.

Unfortunately for him, before he can even manage to sit properly, Chan barges into the room while chatting happily with one of their producers.

“Bin! Why are you so early today?” Chan asks when he realizes that Changbin is hogging the leader’s usual chair.

“Hi,” Changbin bows to the other producer. “Ah, I’m–” 

Well, he cannot not tell them he wrapped his lunch quickly just to have a good listening experience for their bandmate’s newest release. It would be weird, right? 

There is another voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Kim Seungmin telling him actually, it is not weird at all. They are bandmates, after all. Music is an important bond for the eight of them. So, weirdness is not the problem here. 

Changbin gulps. 

Fine. 

He knows the problem. He does not want to admit to more people that he hasn’t given Hyunjin’s new song a listen. Not properly, because he did not know beforehand. Because Hyunjin, somehow, did not inform him, this once.

“Why are you here so early too?” Changbin diverts the question from himself.

“Oh? I want to discuss a few tweaks to the tracks with hyung. I was busy helping Hyunjin take a last look into his song last night, it was too late to do other tracks.”

Changbin’s eye twitches. 

“Hyunjin discussed his new song with you?” Changbin asks, sounding absolutely normal.

“Yeah? Well, Hyunjin actually produced the song himself! But he asked me some questions and opinions, so I was happy to help.”

Chan looks pleased, like he always does. Their fans have compared him to a father who is all too happy to see his children flourish, but Changbin disagrees. Chan is too much of a hyung who needs affection from them, who is all too happy whenever he feels needed. They are the same in that aspect. 

Yet, there is jealousy gnawing on his brain. Hush. 

Changbin nods. “That’s cool, hyung.”

There was puzzlement on Chan’s face. His hyung is a good leader and to be a good leader means that Chan has gotten used to picking up cues about his members’ inner turmoil. He makes a sympathetic face which is so effective in dousing shame right into Changbin’s head.

“Ah, the song must be good then! You two always work well together. I actually haven’t heard the song yet. Not properly,” he offers his shameful truth as compensation.

Chan pauses before gears seemingly finally start clicking in his head, Changbin does not want to assume what the gears are informing. “We can listen to it together! Oh, wait, is that fine, hyung?” Chan asks the producer next to him. 

The producer hyung gives a thumbs up. 

Chan brightens as he rushes to the other seat, plugging the equipment and urging Changbin to use the headphones. It's sweet. 

In no time, the music of Hyunjin’s new song is playing into his ears. The speaker in the cafeteria does not do it any justice, for Changbin can hear the layers of subtle strings in the background. The song is not quite so stripped but still manages to put emphasis on the words that Hyunjin is crooning. Just like every other Hyunjin’s tracks, it is emotional and reflective. Yet, Changbin has never felt sadder.

The sadness is not because Hyunjin did not inform him of the song. Well—maybe that too, but the song is genuinely mournful, yearning—longing. He can feel the atmosphere and emotions that Hyunjin wanted to convey. As if Hyunjin is a widow waiting for his husband— wait, no —as if Hyunjin is a mere peasant longing for the moon. There is resignation there and it’s wild. 

Yet, unlike most of the popular songs on the charts, the lyrics do not blame the object of affection. It delivers a rather bittersweet aftertaste.

“What do you think?” Chan asks, way too carefully after Changbin takes off the equipment.

At the corner of his eyes, Jisung is sitting on the sofa, having slinked himself in during the short duration of the song. The producer hyung has taken a seat near the recording box, seemingly busying himself as if to say ‘take your time’.

“Sad,” Changbin says. “But also really sweet.”

There is no further comment before his hyung claps his hands together. 

“Tell Hyunjin about your opinions, he must be glad to hear that you like it.”

Chan, then, gestures for everyone to get working, leaving Changbin to scramble his thoughts into a coherent one.

Perhaps, later. Perhaps, he will give it another listen.

—

“Hyung!”

He is walking to his car, earbuds in his ears, when he sees Hyunjin running towards him, hugging his oversized bag. His hair is tucked into a low pony tail along with a beret to cover his head. He is wearing a brown coat, a cream sweater with flowers painted peeking underneath. He is beautiful and Changbin feels underdressed in his gym shorts and shirts with only a jacket he haphazardly threw on top. As expected from their dedicated artist, Hwang Hyunjin. 

“Can I catch a ride? You are going to the gym, right? Please give me a ride. I have an appointment today with the managers.”

Hyunjin is a bit out of breath when he finally arrives next to Changbin, shoulders bumping lightly. There is a light flush across his cheek. 

“Not here?”

“No, it’s near our place, so just before your gym. The managers have a meeting there today. I told them I’ll meet them there but no one in the building could give me a ride.”

“Ah, I see,” Changbin accepts the explanation, he is not going to reject an excuse to spend more time with his best friend. He opens the door to make it easier for Hyunjin to get in. 

Hyunjin looks pleased, murmuring a thank you. 

As he drives outside the parking lot, it is immediately apparent that the sky is cooking up a storm. Hyunjin pairs his music instantly as a testament to how often he has hitched a ride. The speaker plays in low volume, letting Younha sing of raindrops and teardrops. There is traffic, not surprising considering the hour. So, Changbin relaxes his postures before moving his attention to Hyunjin who is quietly playing with his phone.

“How is your day, Hyunjin-ah?”

“We had practice together this morning.”

“You didn’t have a recording session though. I haven’t seen you ever since,” Changbin argues.

“It was well. Yongbok is quite obsessed with perfecting his part so I helped him with that.” 

He sees Hyunjin locking his phone away, putting it inside of his bag.

“How about you, hyung?”

“Well, we had practice together this morning—” Hyunjin smacks his arm for that. “—and! The recording was going well. We will be ready for a comeback soon,” Changbin says with a singsong.

“Yeah? What else?” Hyunjin asks, staring at his black nails. There are roses and thorns painted carefully, another testament to Hyunjin’s incredible artistry.

“I listened to your song.”

The playlist changes to an English song that Changbin cannot recognize, he only remembers that Hyunjin has danced to it once. 

“Do you like it?”

“Of course! Our Hyunjin is very talented.”

Hyunjin scoffs. “You always say that.”

“It’s true, though? I never lie about this kind of thing.”

Hyunjin does not answer him, he opts to hum along to the song. 

“Your song is very sad, though. It’s almost as if you have just taken a lesson in being a three-times divorcee from DAY6 sunbaenim.”

Hyunjin laughs at the comment. “What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t know, I almost wanted to cry. Who could be breaking Hyunjin’s heart like this, I thought.”

Hyunjin laughs again. Changbin wants to keep making him laugh—he should always be laughing, not sad, definitely not sad.

“Are you worried?” Hyunjin asks, in the tone that he always uses when he is fishing for a compliment.

Changbin knows the dance. “Of course! I would fight the person, if I could! If there is a person.”

There is another laughter. “I would fight the person if I could,” Hyunjin mimes, in between his giggling like there is a joke he is not telling Changbin. It prickles him.

“Why? Is there a person, Hyunjin-ah?” Changbin asks, perhaps too serious. Is he being too overbearing? If Hyunjin wants to tell him, he will tell him. 

But Hyunjin does not frown, there is a smile that never wavers from his face. “Maybe I just like the concept of having crushes.”

“That’s not just crushes. The song is heartbreaking. You delivered the emotion well and you said it is personal.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

The car lights from the traffic can’t really pass through the tinted window, so it only provides a soft reddish hue to his cheekbones.

“You are devastatingly beautiful,” he says—an observation. “Anyone would be lucky,” he adds.

Hyunjin does not answer him, only humming before changing the song. 

It is not long before they arrive at the destination. True to Hyunjin’s words, it is only five minutes away from his gym. Changbin drops him off at the more private lobby where one of the managers is waiting for Hyunjin with a wet umbrella. Hyunjin leaves his bag with Changbin to take home, only taking his phone and wallet with him. They exchange their see-you-laters and Hyunjin rewards him with a squeeze to his arm. 

The drive to the gym is fast and quiet in comparison. The rain is still accompanying Changbin and he has another hour to kill before his PT session. Initially, he wants to do personal exercise, but when he arrives at the rainy parking lot, his body refuses to move.

There is a lingering scent of Hyunjin’s perfume in the car, a subtle wisteria touch that suits him well. Perhaps, it urges Changbin to miss his voice already. 

So, Changbin plays the song.

It is still as devastating as the first listen. Still bittersweet, prickling a corner of his heart that has not been bothered for quite some time, matching the gloomy weather.

On the second listen, he pays attention to the lyrics. Earlier, the emotion makes him unable to think much. It is clear Hyunjin has tried to make the lyrics easier to relate while still putting his poetic touch into it. He thinks, whoever the song was for, Hyunjin must be really in love with them. The song is slowly listing memories—subtle moments that are so mundane and common, yet accompanied with personal anecdotes. 

So, it does not hit him until the fourth listen. The realization is slow before it hits him like a truck.

“Wait,” Changbin says out loud to the empty car.

He replays the song again. 

No way.

He laughs to himself, but the crippling awareness sinks. 

Oh.

Shit, is the song about him?

—

It was safe to say that the realization tilted his world not just a little bit, so as a coping mechanism, Changbin went too hard at the gym. 

Now his muscles are aching, like they've never been for quite some time. He knew better to stop before it could develop into an injury, but he couldn't seem to regret it. Not to be dramatic, but at least the soreness is a distraction from whatever is brewing in his mind. The entire time, his thoughts are going back and forth, arguing against himself is an exercise in itself.

He listens to the song a few more times, perhaps twenty times too many. He is so sure of it—because there are things that are too familiar, lines that hit too close to home. Hyunjin sings of hopes, then he sings of homes, themes that can be about anyone. But there are—lines that talk about habits, the routines that they do together. Silly things he somehow remembers talking about late at night. He almost forgets about them, but he doesn’t. Clearly, Hyunjin also remembers enough.

Is he being too presumptuous? Too arrogant? Perhaps Hyunjin plucked stories from their friendship just as an inspiration for the song. After all, their friendship is not exactly conventional. They are idols, fanservice is part of the job description.

Well, it used to be fanservice, but after years of bantering, it became a habit that bleeds even when the camera is not present. Letting Hyunjin call him his wife is just another part of their dynamic that they have cultivated over the years. Nothing’s wrong with that, surely? Plenty of people have this.

Changbin goes home that night. After the shower, he uses Hyunjin’s body lotion, a force of habit. He almost regrets it for a moment as he stares at the evidence of their intertwined existence which upsets him further because why is this a problem now? It has never been a problem before. Why is he overthinking things? This does not suit him!

It is almost ten when he hears the sound of the front door. Hyunjin walks in, still in the same coat he wore earlier. There is a slight flush on his face—he has been drinking. 

“Out with friends, Hyunjin-ah?”

Hyunjin smiled at him, prettily as always. “Yes. My friend has free time.”

Perhaps, he has been too presumptuous indeed. 

Hyunjin takes off his coat as he hangs it into their decorative rack that the artist had painstakingly picked to match the interior. 

“I thought you'd be asleep, hyung,” he says in a soft voice. 

“I thought I would wait for you.”

Hyunjin laughs lightly. “You are too attentive.”

Changbin cannot stop his tongue. “You like it.” 

Hyunjin nods, in response. “I do.” He takes off his shoes before striding into the sofa where Changbin is sitting. “You always take care of me so well, my wife.”

Changbin’s breath hitches. Hyunjin is too sober, he would notice. 

Hyunjin is not an affectionate drunk, just another fact in the endless one that he has gathered over the years because they were best friends. He is more… friendly, chatty. He would pull someone for a dance, he would insist on seeing things that weren’t there. Sometimes he can be affectionate, but not just to anyone. 

But Hyunjin sits there before tentatively putting his head against Changbin's shoulder, indicating he is still very much aware of his surroundings. “I'm sleepy, hyung.”

His heartbeat is erratic for what feels like an eternity.

“You should wash yourself then rest,” he manages to say, eventually.

Hyunjin whines, but he does detach himself from Changbin’s side and walk to their bathroom to wash up. Meanwhile, Changbin cannot move even after the heavy weight left him. He stares at the cream ceilings, willing himself to move back to the sanctuary of his bedroom. Only after the warmth dissipates did he manage to regain control of his mobility. 

It is another twenty minutes before Hyunjin appears again, much cleaner, too fast compared to his usual night time routine, and crawls next to Changbin onto the bed. 

“I’m sad, hyung. Let me sleep here,” he says in the tone that he knows Changbin cannot refuse. 

“Why?” Changbin croaks.

He is answered by soft breathings.

It is safe to say, sleep is nearly impossible that night. 

–

Changbin wakes up with his blanket on the floor and Hyunjin still sleeping soundly next to him. He only has a minute to admire his roommate’s beautiful features despite the drool at the corner of his mouth before yesterday’s crisis comes knocking back again. 

What does it mean for him if the song is about him?  

His brain screams even though he only had four hours of sleep at maximum. He groans reflexively, which does not stir Hyunjin the slightest, what a sleeping beauty.

God damn it. 

Changbin slowly tries to extract his arms from Hyunjin’s grip before walking very slowly to the bathroom. He stares at his own reflection in the mirror and mourns his inability to actually process things in the vicinity of one Hwang Hyunjin. In his defense he usually has the capacity for it, but in the past he was not facing a crisis on this scale. 

He washes himself, again, brushing his teeth as thoughts ruminate inside. He changes into the clothes at the toppest pile of his wardrobe before packing to go to the company. Before he goes, he takes one last look at Hyunjin’s sleeping figure. 

Should he wake him up?

Ah, no. Hyunjin deserves rest. 

Changbin slinks outside of his own house, tiptoeing without a sound, straight to the studio where he practically locks himself there all day because this is his job. He is absolutely not running away from his beautiful roommate that may or may not have written a song about him.

The question comes back again. What does it mean, Seo Changbin?

Does this mean Hyunjin… is in love with him? Does this mean Hyunjin… yearn for him? Full body shudders run through his body just at the thought. Not to Hyunjin! To himself. Love is not cringe, he knows better than that, but again he feels like he is being too arrogant.

But, okay, hypothetically, if it is true that Hyunjin is in love with him, what does this mean? Does this mean Hyunjin has been hiding his emotion for… quite some times? Has Hyunjin been hurt because of this? Hurt enough to write a devastating, personal song that he did not inform Changbin beforehand? Okay, maybe he should put less focus on the not informing part because it does make perfect sense to not inform the object of your affection.

Changbin dies a little bit at the train wreck of thoughts that currently are running in his head. 

It is approximately nearing lunch time when he realizes he has not been able to get any meaningful work done and that perhaps he should start the crisis by considering his own feelings.

Also, an important question is if he reciprocates Hyunjin’s hypothetical feelings, does that mean he is gay?

“Bisexual. You can also be bisexual. But some people like to use gay as an umbrella term—or queer, for that matter,” Felix helps. 

“Silly. Of course, I should know that. We have had this talk before.”

“We have had too many talks about this, I feel like a scholar,” Felix sighs. 

Felix has a schedule earlier that day so when Changbin sees him loitering around, already in dance clothes, Changbin kidnaps him because procrastination loves company. Also, this problem requires expert opinion and who else is better at assisting him if not Felix Yongbok Lee who is currently free and definitely knows more about the sexuality matters.

“So,” Changbin starts again. “If someone has feelings for both guys and girls and they are bisexual. Is it something that you really know since you were young or like… is it possible to realize later?”

Felix, their kind little Yongbok, is so nice to not call him out for the way he is obviously not talking about some random person or suddenly interested in the discipline of gender and sexuality. 

“Well, some people think it’s fluid. There are many opinions,” Felix explains carefully. “But no, you can realize later on. Sometimes you have always been attracted to any gender but have never experienced the attraction much, so you don’t realize. It can be quite complicated.”

“We have talked about this.”

“Yes, hyung. We talked about this when Hyunjin came out, then when Jisung came out.”

At the mention of Hyunjin, his stomach flips. He quietly files the occurrence for later considerations. He smiles instead at the memory of Hyunjin’s tearful coming out and later, Jisung’s less tearful one.

“How come you never had a coming out?” he asks instead.

“You don’t have to, it’s not like a formal announcement that you have to do. I just assumed everyone knows because I have never been too shy about it, so that’s also part of my coming out, you could say.”

“Wow, thank you, Professor Yongbok.” 

Felix laughs. “We have had too many of these conversations in this group,” he repeats again. “So, what is it? A friend came out to you? You finally want to give dudes a chance?”

Changbin chokes. 

“I am still thinking,” he admits. 

“Let me know if you need help,” Felix says, way too sincerely.

“Are you making a pass on me?”

Felix barks a laugh. “I have made so many passes on you, hyung. Come on.”

Changbin blushes, of course, in retaliation, he pushes Felix to the side. 

“Seo Changbin, mind your strength!” Minho shouts from across the room.

—

The conversation with Felix clears some of his confusion but it does not touch the actual problem, Changbin realizes belatedly. And that is how he ends up in front of Jisung and Minho’s place. 

To be fair, they are not his first choice. 

The thing is he has bothered Yongbok enough today. The other option is Chan who has definitely noticed his weird mood since yesterday and has opted to send increasingly sympathetic glances. Changbin doesn’t know if Chan is actually aware of the crisis he is in right now, but a part of him still pettily does not want to go and spill his heart out to the hyung yet. Yes, it’s irrational. No, he thinks his feeling of being miffed for not being asked for opinions by his best friend is valid, so he will be within this stance for at least another two business days.

Or one. He doesn’t know how long he can refuse Chan’s dejected face.

Well, he can go to the two youngest of the group but for some reasons, not yet. Not now. He is not on that level of pathetic yet. That’s for… last resort. He still has some pride as the the hyung and he doesn’t need the quiet judgement and sensible solutions that they will definitely provide. He wants a time and place to resolve his inner crisis and an excuse to not go home.

Jisung opens the door with a pout. “I thought you have gym today, I could have caught a ride with you.” 

“This is an emergency,” Changbin says, dead serious as he barges inside, not forgetting to take off his dirty shoes in the hallway because his parents have instilled perfect manners into him, mental breakdown or not. 

Jisung’s round eyes get bigger. “Emergency? Are you okay?”

“Yeah—I’m fine. Can I get inside first?”

Jisung nods before letting him in without much ado. Changbin makes himself comfortable in the living room where Minho is laying down, staring intently at his phone. When the other owner of the house notices his entrance, he only raises an eyebrow. Changbin flashes him a charming smile.

“Hyung said there is an emergency,” Jisung explains.

His smile falters. Hearing Jisung saying that out loud almost makes him feel silly, but the way his head is about to explode prevents him from retracting the statement. He makes himself comfortable on the floor, next to Minho, before opening his phone.

“Let me order some food.”

“What about the emergency?” Jisung asks.

“Food first!” Changbin asserts.

Minho takes the phone from his hand before picking a restaurant. Occasionally, he gives him a puzzling eye. With someone else handling dinner, Changbin lets his head fall into a pillow.  

“What’s the emergency?” Minho is not letting this one drop, it seems. 

“There is no emergency,” Changbin answers.

“There is something,” Minho interjects, because he is a cat and he has a good nose. Do cats have a good nose? He doesn’t have the brain capacity right now.

“I’m just tired,” Changbin lies.

“You have your own home,” Minho argues again.

No way, he couldn’t just go back to his home with Hyunjin. 

“Yah! Can’t I visit you guys?”

“You miss us,” Jisung concludes gleefully before smacking his back. “You could have just said so!”

Changbin does not have the energy to correct him, and Minho doesn’t look convinced. Alas, he says nothing and turns on the TV. It is an anime, a very familiar one with the elves and heroes.

“We are on episode four, hyung. I can give you a summary,” Jisung offers.

“I know, I have watched this before.”

“You watch anime now?”

“Hyunjin.”

“Oh.”

Somehow the simple conversation makes his cheeks almost warm. Jisung and Minho have the grace not to comment on it. 

Not long after, the food comes. Noodles. Changbin bites back the voice inside of his head that tells him Hyunjin would love this. Has he had dinner yet? Changbin munches his dinner almost miserably, for god knows why. 

Minho claps his hands together as if he is a kindergarten teacher. “So? Speak.”

“Nothing!”

“Was he this weird earlier?” Minho asks Jisung.

“Yes. He has been sighing mournfully all day, I thought someone died.”

Minho raises another perfect eyebrow.

“So there is something. You choose to come here. Speak.”

“I’m worried about Hyunjin,” he says diplomatically. “I don't want to be presumptuous, but Hyunjin's new song—it's very sad, isn't it?"

Changbin’s question is answered with silence. The two hosts are staring at him like he is a fool before crazily communicating through their eyes as if having a rapid telepathic conversation. It is a testament of how used he is to the freakish display that he is not creeped out. 

After they have seemingly arrived at an agreement, they nod at each other before turning their attention back to Changbin. 

"Did you come here to gossip about Hyunjin? Really, Binnie? Let's go."

"I am concerned!”

"Why should you be concerned?" Jisung retorts as if it isn't obvious.

"Of course I am concerned when Hyunjin is so upset because of his—" His throat constricts. "—unrequited crush.”

“This is not the first time we have made sad songs, hyung. You know Hyunjin loves making ones even from the movies we watch.”

Minho shushes him. 

"Also, it’s ridiculous. Unrequited? Who could possibly reject our Hyunjin?" Minho continues with a disbelieving tone that is too dry to be believable.

"I considered that, but I don’t know. My gut feeling tells me the song is too personal. He said the song is personal! But then he said it’s just a concept. Maybe it's someone—who is not interested in him like that?" Changbin tries to reason, it falls flat even to his ears. Minho is unimpressed.

"He has many overseas schedules lately? Do you think it’s one of the models he met abroad?" Jisung quips helpfully.

“Well, the men are hot.” 

Changbin feels his eye twitching.

"I don't think it's someone he met in passing. Hyunjin is not like that."

"Oh, you know him so well, don't you?" Minho taunts.

"What are you implying?" Changbin asks levelly, but it does not manage to rid the smirk off Minho's face.

"Well, it's not like I know the problem of the song."

"Yeah—" Jisung agrees before shoving a bunch of noodles into his mouth.

Changbin narrows his eyes. "You know something,” he accuses, pointing with his chopsticks.

Jisung munches his noodles in rapid succession. "I don't! Even if I do, I won't tell you because I'm not a snitch."

"You are a snitch though," Minho argues for the sake of arguing.

"Not for this kind of matter."

"So there is a matter!" 

"Did you come here to ask us about who the song is about? If you don't know who it is, why do you think we would know anything?"

"Hannie knows something!"

"I'm not a snitch!" Jisung stresses again.

Perhaps Changbin has paused for way too long and it disturbs the house’s natural order, which is chaos. Minho taps his bowl with the chopstick before diverting his attention to Jisung. “You know something,” he presses to Jisung, who looks increasingly like a cornered hamster. “At least, let us know as concerned hyungs—Hyunjin has a crush on someone, correct?”

Jisung looks like he wants to jump off the balcony, Changbin almost pities him. “I won’t tell you who it is.”

“So there is someone,” Minho says sagely. Jisung’s outcry is quickly silenced with a glare. “How do you feel about that, Seo Changbin?”

“Is this an interrogation? I invoke my rights to remain silent.”

The sentence induces an epiphany for Jisung that he can, in fact, shut the fuck up.

Minho scoffs. “No fun. You are here. Might as well spill your guts. Cry a bit, I’ll even get the tissues. Let’s start with this: how do you feel about Hyunjin crushing on someone else?”

“He has the right to date whoever he wants.”

Minho makes a disgusted face. “Normative. Think deeper.”

“Feel deeper,” Jisung helps.

On any other days, having a reflective session with the most dangerous counselors of the group might not be his best idea, but does he have any other choice? Seungmin might say he has, actually, but there is no Kim Seungmin here to save him from terrible life choices.

“Well, hypothetically speaking, if Hyunjin has a crush on someone else, I want to support him, because he deserves to be happy,” Changbin finally says, with full, genuine conviction.

“Oh, you cannot be serious.” Pause. “Wait, he is actually serious?”

Jisung gasps, eyes teary. “That’s very sweet.”

“Why are we operating on the basis that I like Hyunjin?” he protests.

“You don’t?” Jisung asks, flabbergasted. “Even I had a crush on him!”

“I thought we established this since like… debut. Changbin just has not come into terms with it yet. Have you now?”

“Why do you talk as if you are not straight?”

“Who says I am?”

Changbin cannot argue with that. Jisung whistles just to make things worse. 

“Hyung, like I said, it's absolutely fine if you like Hyunjin! Take your time—it doesn't have to mean anything about your sexuality.”

“It does, Hannie,” Changbin says morosely. 

After they finish dinner, Jisung makes an excuse about a meeting. There is a look in his face that tells he is about to give Changbin a very mortifying welcome to the sexuality crisis club speech, but Minho pushes him to the door while making a shoo-ing motion. When Changbin gives him an affronted face, he just grins back in return, the creepy one.

"Don't worry too much, Bin. Our Hyunjin is a big boy."

Changbin sighs. "I know, hyung."

“Take your time then, at least with yourself,” Minho says. He sounds like he is talking to one of his cats, perhaps Changbin is currently in that level of competence.

Changbin does not go home, not immediately. Minho’s words linger, so instead, he drives his car towards the highway. He plays a playlist, his favorite comfort one, that is full of his favorite girl group songs from the second generation to the current rising stars. The night sky is of course polluted and without any moon, but Changbin doesn’t mind. 

When he reaches home, Hurt is still blasting from his speaker, he is almost ashamed to admit he kind of tears up while shouting the chorus.

He takes his time, locking the car carefully before walking very demurely, not wanting to disturb his roommate who must be asleep since it is two in the morning.

“Hyung?”

Or not.

“Hyunjin! Not asleep yet?” he greets but his earned ability to speak decides to completely poof out of the window when his gaze landed at the most beautiful boy in existence.

Hyunjin is half-sleeping on the sofa, almost reminiscent of himself yesterday. He is wearing a soft bathrobe; it must be a new one because Changbin has never seen it before. With years of being roommates, this is hardly the first time Hyunjin has decided to cast any decency and be delectable. His state is not even as outrageous as how some of the other members with less shame could be, but there was something—is it the way Hyunjin’s hair is curling after a shower? Is it the warm light from their European standing lamp that shone softly over his features? Changbin feels his mouth drying. 

This is the fault of that goddamn song. 

Wait—not goddamn. Sorry. The song is beautiful, Changbin is to blame for his own terrible turmoil. The awareness that perhaps his appreciation of Hyunjin's beauty is just not the consequence of having eyes but reflection of his desire to bone the guy. 

Maybe he is bisexual.

“...back so late. Hyung?”

“Yes?”

Hyunjin takes his time to roll his eyes very slowly.

“Sorry, I got distracted. What were you saying?”

“Where have you been?”

“Oh—um, I had dinner with Jisung and Minho-hyung. I promised a treat to them,” he lied, partly. “Then I drove around the city because the night is pretty.”

“Prettier than me?” Hyunjin asks.

It takes every ounce of self control within Changbin to not kiss the prettiest boy in front of him. 

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

Hyunjin laughs before standing up from the sofa. “I haven’t seen you all day… so I waited for you.”

“I’m so sorry. You have an early schedule tomorrow, you should sleep,” he says, gently. 

“Alright,” Hyunjin says, but he does not move. 

“Hyunjin-ah?”

“Can I sleep with you again?” Hyunjin asks, almost shy, as if shyness still has any merit between the two of them.

But Changbin is a terrible man. “I haven’t showered and I’m dirty from the outside. Maybe another day?”

Hyunjin is quiet. “Okay.”

Changbin wants to punch himself. 

—

Perhaps, it started much, much earlier.

During his trainee days, Changbin had a girlfriend, once. 

It was an upperclassman and she was two centimeters taller than him with naturally brown eyes. He met her during orientation and his bumbling terrible jokes from nervousness was apparently enough to leave an impression. She was assertive so she approached him first, calling him cute and charming—hard to believe, really.

They were friends first. She showed him around the school, told him the nice teachers and the ones that he had better avoid. She was interested in hip hop too, so that was one other thing they bonded over. Occasionally, they would share their stories and hopes, of how competitive the trainee life could get, and how she wanted to study social science—against her parents’ wishes for her to do medicine.

“And I really can care less about biology,” she said. 

“I think you will do great doing what you like instead. I see you with your club, very dedicated.”

She asked him out, not long after that.

The thing was, dating was apparently not much different from friendship. They held hands, sometimes, but she was rather chaste and she had never shown an interest in showing further affection. Changbin did not push, it was fine, really. 

The other problem was that he did not feel like he was the best boyfriend that she deserved. They had been dating for two months, going on one of their occasional dates in between his packed schedule, when he finally asked her if the relationship was according to her expectation. He was not feeling insecure, but she was pretty and smart and he barely had any time to spare for her.

“I like us,” she said. “It’s perfect. My previous boyfriend has always been too much in my business,” she explained.

Well, he couldn’t argue with that. He liked her too, what was not to like? Perhaps it was not exactly love, but he was a teenager with a big dream to debut, falling in love was hardly a priority.

They went on dates only when her schedule did not interfere with training. Sometimes they texted, but not all day. Jisung found out in his third months of dating and he tried to tease him about it but later he complained about the lack of “romance” in his relationship. 

He didn’t mind, though? For a moment, he thought perhaps he was not that big of a romantic. 

It was not until the fourth month when she asked to meet in a restaurant that he often frequent, near the company’s building because otherwise he would not have been able to make it.

“I’m sorry, let’s break up,” she said.

He couldn’t say that he hadn’t seen this coming. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry, Changbin. You are very nice to me. It’s not you.”

He was about to argue that their relationship was not on that level for her to be spouting such a cliche excuse, but she beat him to that.

“There is someone else that I like,” she admitted.

It hurt, but he also thought he couldn’t hold it against her. She looked ashamed and scared, very remorseful. So, he shook his head.

“It’s fine, noona. Let’s stay friends?” he said, because he thought that was the thing she would want to hear.

So, that was his first relationship. When he told Jisung that he had broken up during the sleepover, the other boy looked very concerned. 

“You had a girlfriend?” Hyunjin interjected, surprised.

“It’s not that important, hence, I’m not too sad. Don’t worry!”

When he gave them a brief summary of what happened, Hyunjin and Jisung looked much more offended on his behalf.

“It’s definitely not you, hyung!” Jisung insisted. 

“Yeah, no way. You are a catch,” Hyunjin added. 

He thought they were being nice. On any other days, he would have picked on them or cracked a joke. 

It was not for another few months when he accidentally met his ex in one of the cafes near school, pink dusting her high cheekbones as she listened intently to another girl talking animatedly, that he realized that it was truly not him. 

When he told Hyunjin about the story during one of their juice dates, the other boy was quiet for a long time. 

Then he let out a huge, dramatic sigh. 

“Trust you to date someone who is not interested in men then laugh so positively about it.”

“As long as they are happy?”

“Are you not a little bit sad?”

“I was! It was not that big of a problem in the first place.”

“Trust you to be so unfazed about this too,” Hyunjin rolled his eyes. “But it's a good thing.”

“What do you mean?”

There was a guarded look, for a split second, that was quickly replaced by a smile. 

“Not everyone could be as perceptive and accepting. I guess she was really lucky it was you.”

He paused at the statement. That was a compliment, and he felt flattered, but Hyunjin looked quite serious, so again, he couldn’t exactly crack a joke. 

“Thank you?” he said instead. “It wasn’t that big of a deal. I guess, I’m glad it worked out because I felt quite guilty during the entirety of the relationship.”

“Why?”

“I mean—I was not the best boyfriend? We are busy, you know. I barely had any time to spare for her,” he said with a wry smile. 

Changbin stopped to look at the sky—it was blue and clear on that day, reflecting his state of mind. Hyunjin walked in front of him, the sunlight providing a sentimental touch. He stopped when he realized Changbin was not following, but he said nothing.

Changbin continued, “I think I also felt guilty because I didn’t think I liked her like that.”

Hyunjin raised an eyebrow. “Have you ever liked anyone, hyung?” 

Changbin considered the question carefully. “I guess? I find a lot of people attractive.”

“Not just like that, you know. Maybe you think they are attractive, but you also want to spend a lot of time with them. They make your heart beat faster, you feel happy and excited to be around them,” Hyunjin said, almost wistful. He slowed down for a moment. “Someone that doesn't make you feel scared. Someone that makes you want to sacrifice a lot of things for.”

“You sound like you are speaking from experience. That's very romantic.”

Hyunjin visibly blushed. “Maybe.”

“Hyunjinnie! Let hyung know who the lucky girl is! Aish, I have told you a lot, but you haven't done the same.”

Hyunjin scoffed at the statement, using his long legs to put a distance between them without looking back. Changbin laughed at the cute reaction, but the statement lingered. 

Was that how other people thought liking someone was like? 

—

He wakes up feeling terrible, bits of past memories from his dream and the current situation at hand mixing together, yet he makes it a mission again to avoid Hyunjin. 

It’s not hard with the way their schedule mismatch. Changbin wakes up early, rushing immediately to the company where he hides himself in the studio. He puts on the headphone and opts to ignore Chan’s worried glances for the sake of writing lyrics. Terrible lyrics, really, he mourns as he stares at the crumpled piece of paper. 

This is unlike him. 

The thing is, Changbin has always been a person who is very assured of himself—he prides himself in it, even. That’s his entire brand. He knows what he wants, he knows where he stands with things. He knows his strengths, his weaknesses, where he has to improve, even his own insecurities. Having awareness and acknowledging even the ugly truths are important. Otherwise, what’s the use of ruminating things that can be changed if you have the guts to act.

So, of course, he thought of himself as someone with self-awareness about his own… feelings and emotions. This one is definitely arrogance but he used to think that perhaps his quarter life crisis wouldn’t be so bad.

(It’s bad.) 

He is not against this sexuality discovery journey. What bothers him is the fact that he is quite possibly also in love with his best friend, and if that is true, then he has been acting like a fool for years.

Hyunjin [02:03 PM]

Hyung

Are you gonna come home late

He sees it through the notification and seeing is all he does.

He comes back at midnight again. Thankfully, Hyunjin is not in the living room this time around and the door to his room is closed. He lets out a sigh of relief that he regrets right after, but he still goes to his room without knocking on Hyunjin’s. When he closes his own door, his chest constricts with guilt. 

He doesn’t sleep well again.

The next morning, Hyunjin is about to fly overseas for a schedule. When Changbin wakes up to prepare for his own agenda, he can hear their manager urging Hyunjin to hurry for the flight.

Yet when he sneaks out of his room for a quick breakfast, his beautiful roommate is still waiting for him, leaning near the hallway. He is dressed in a very simple attire, black shirt, black pants, earring dangling from both ears. 

“I’m going, hyung.”

The worst part is, Changbin finds it hard to meet his eyes, so he says a very clipped: “Safe flight.”

Hyunjin’s face falls, obvious even to the bird passing by.

“Did I do something wrong?” Hyunjin asks.

Changbin gapes at the question. His gaze drops at their manager who is also gaping at the sudden turn of events. Oh shit.

“Hyunjin-ah, your flight is soon.”

“It’s not for another three hours,” Hyunjin cuts. “Is something wrong? Am I being too sensitive? I feel like you have been weird for the past two days.”

“That’s soon. I have been busy—” 

“That’s a lie,” Hyunjin cuts him again. “Is it because I slept in your room the other day? But it’s not the first time—did I talk in my sleep?” 

The manager slowly slinks himself outside of the door, eyes sending stern signals for Changbin to resolve this quickly.

“Hyunjin, there is nothing wrong with you,” Changbin says.

Hyunjin takes a step forward and, on reflex, Changbin takes a step back.

Shit.

“I see.”

“Your flight,” he says, voice soft tinged with desperation. 

“Fine,” Hyunjin retorts, harshly. He turns his back. “See you, hyung.”

The door closes with a soft click, terrifying Changbin to the bones.

Chapter Text

“So, you mean to tell that you realized Hyunjin's new song is probably about you, which in turn made you question your entire relationship with him, which in turn helped you realize that you are probably not very heterosexual, which led you to ignore him for two days straight?” Seungmin recaps.

Seungmin's eyes are almost blank, staring down on a kneeling Changbin in front of him before turning to Felix and Jeongin. “What's the jury’s opinion?”

“I am the asshole,” Changbin declares, to indicate that he does possess awareness.

“Hyunjin-hyung is definitely upset. He hasn't sent a single update all day,” Jeongin weighs in.

“Well, I can see why Changbin-hyung would need time and space,” Felix adds. “I don't think hyung is entirely an asshole.”

“So, he is partially the asshole,” Seungmin concludes.

“Hush, hyung is close to tears,” Jeongin observes, delivering the final nail to the coffin.

It is only his pride that stopped him from wailing right here right now. He opts to shut his mouth as he reevaluates the entire trajectory of today.

How did he get here again?

Oh, right.

After basically spending a very unproductive day in the studio, Changbin was trudging the hallway of the company with only half of his soul present. It was then when their sweet caring Yongbok found him in the worst state he had ever been.

‘Why are you working in this state? Chan-hyung didn't send you home?’ He had fussed as he tried to push his hyung to the nearest empty room. Changbin then had valiantly tried to defend Chan's honor by explaining that the eldest was actually not in the company. They had no session today, no one knew he was here. He didn’t think Felix caught that though, not with how busy he was on the phone, texting and calling for backups.

After much careful consideration, Felix dragged him to ‘the safest place possible’, which apparently was… his dorm with Seungmin that coincidentally also had Jeongin visiting today. They have an Overwatch co-op night plan, but those things could wait later, or that was what Felix insisted.

Well, it isn't like he has much choice.

“You have,” says Seungmin who is real and not a voice in his head.

“Maybe we should start from trying to figure out the crisis,” Felix points out wisely. “Surely, we will be able to help. Or do you need the others present?”

“We are not having another group wide sexuality crisis meeting. This is not a queer counselling center,” Seungmin warns.

“It’s arguable at this point,” Jeongin sighs from where he is hanging on their sofa. Felix feeds him a cookie.

“So, how do you feel?” Felix asks like a counselor in a counselling center.

Maybe he should be more mortified about spilling the worst life crisis he has ever had by far to the younger kids. It’s not very ‘dependable hyung’ of him. Nevertheless, the memory of Hyunjin’s bone withering look has rendered him pretty much useless and without much other option. Strong man knows when to ask for help, he assures himself.

It is not their first fight. They have fought before. Changbin is also infamously good at being stubborn when he does not believe he is in the wrong, but none of those fights ever occurred when he is feeling this vulnerable. “Like shit,” so Changbin answers. “Well, I fucked up. No excuse there, but well, I feel… very confused too?”

“About what?” Jeongin prompts.

This is kind of awkward. “Well. I think I like both genders. Any genders? I don’t know.”

“Did you really never realize that you like him?” Jeongin probs further, straight to the elephant in the room.

“No. He is Hwang Hyunjin. He is extremely beautiful.”

“We have several insanely beautiful visuals in the group, take Felix for example,” Seungmin says.

“Oh, Min,” Felix teases before Seungmin pushes him to the side.

“Let me recap again, so in conclusion you are not heterosexual and you definitely like Hyunjin,” Seungmin says.

“Well, you don’t need to have everything figured out now, hyung. You don’t even have to stick only to one label. Coming in with yourself is a process,” Felix says.

“You have been so wise during the entirety of this process, Yongbok-ah,” Changbin praises, filled with pride.

“Maybe if I don’t have to do this for the fifth time already,” Felix sighs.

“Fifth?!”

Felix mimes zipping his mouth shut because he is a proven non-snitcher.

Noticing that the discussion is only going to derail further, Jeongin claps his hands to gather their attention. “We should watch a movie,” he suggests instead. “They added Monster on Netflix. I haven’t watched that one yet, maybe the theme will be fitting.”

It is safe to say that all four of them end the night with tears in their eyes. The credit rolls and Changbin sinks into the sofa in shock.

“They live happily ever after, right?” Seungmin asks, voice not betraying any emotions but eyes rapidly blinking away the tears.

“Twitter says it depends on our own interpretation,” Jeongin answers, Felix softly cursing next to him.

“We need to end homophobia,” Changbin concludes.

Felix cheers, Seungmin sniffles into a tissue, and Jeongin claps his hands slowly, still very high on the emotion from the impeccable choice of the night.

“You should stay the night, hyung. We can do a sleepover,” Felix suggests because he is an angel.

Seungmin does not even wait for Changbin’s answer before dragging Jeongin to help him settle the beds into the living room. Changbin is getting teary eyed again. He surges to wrap the younger members into a big hug with enforced participation through his muscle strength. Jeongin starts to squirm away but Felix manages to pull him closer every time.

Later that night when the lights are out and both Felix and Seungmin have retired to their respective rooms, Changbin stares at the ceiling in silence, willing himself to sleep to no avail. It is frankly a difficult pursuit, especially with how keen his brain is on laying his metaphorical self on the flagellation stock.

“Can’t sleep?” Jeongin asks, breaking the ongoing mental debates.

“Iyen-ah, you haven’t slept?”

“You kept tossing and turning,” Jeongin says, but there is no judgement in his voice.

“Sorry,” he still says.

“What’s keeping you awake?”

Everything. “Uh…”

“Might as well get it over with,” Jeongin nudges, turning to face Changbin

“This all just seems rather a lot, doesn't it? I mean—not Hyunjin, and definitely not the song. Just the situation.”

“Well, true.”

“Did you ever notice?” Changbin asks, because Jeongin is observant and he is truthful.

There is a pause. “Well, sometimes. Not quite. I mean, sexuality? This group has had too many crises. It doesn't surprise me anymore.”

Changbin chuckles, trying to be mindful of the hour. “Coincidence.”

“Yongbok-hyung said that birds of a feather stick together. Chan-hyung picked everyone, though. So, it's absolutely his fault,” Jeongin says, also laughing lightly.

“It is!” Changbin agrees. “What are the odds?”

Jeongin shakes his head. “I'm kind of glad it's you.”

“What?”

“We deal with this kind of crisis pretty often but liking someone and having to deal with the complications, it must not have been easy, not with our job.”

Changbin understands what he meant. It is the entire reason they had dating bans, it is the entire reason why he had never bothered to look too deeply into finding someone dear for him.

“I know many of us date,” Jeongin clarifies. “Some of my friends do. Some others don't though. I have a friend who's very anti-patronizing with your coworkers.” Jeongin laughs at that.

“Really?”

“He is very strict about it. He thinks it's dangerous and might ruin the group,” Jeongin adds, still laughing.

“What do you think?” Changbin asks. “You are very professional, you know. Hyung thinks you are very good at this—being an idol.”

Changbin can practically see Jeongin rolling his eyes with no heat. Jeongin doesn't answer for some time.

“I think I just want you to choose what makes you happy, hyung.”

“Oh—”

Jeongin shushes him. “Listen, before you fuss—I think I believe in the team, that we do care about each other, we enjoy what we do. It can be dangerous and the risk is always there, I agree with my friend on this. But I think you—and Hyunjin-hyung, ultimately will prioritize the team very much so that I know I don't have to worry.”

Changbin is about to tear up, their youngest has truly grown up so well. Then again, Jeongin has always been prudent—sensible and reasonable towards the turbulence that the group kept facing.

“That's nice,” he says instead because he can read the room and he doesn't want to ruin the moment.

“I don't want you to feel guilty about this, hyung,” Jeongin adds. His tone is serious, like he has put a lot of consideration and practised this enough. “I think it's okay to be greedy, sometimes.”

Changbin whistles. “Wow—okay. You are good at this.”

“It’s because you guys like to make things too complicated sometimes,” Jeongin says with a sigh.

“You are shading someone else,” Changbin points out, grinning at the obvious jab.

“I am,” he confirms, laughing. “You know how the hyungs can be. That's why I think you should make things less complicated. You are good at that—I think you can do it.”

“Oh, so much faith in this hyung,” he coos, which results in Jeongin kicking his legs lightly before pulling his blanket over his head.

“Go to sleep, hyung,” Jeongin says, voice muffled, after a minute has passed.

“Thanks, Jeongin,” he says, meaning it.

Changbin smiles to himself. Maybe the treasures truly are the friends we make along the way.

—

It is not until the next morning when he wakes up to his own daily alarm that he realizes that despite gaining wisdom and assurance, he still does not know what to do in the ‘my wife is upset with me maybe I should die’ department.

No time for more than a five-minute meltdown in the bathroom, though. Changbin has gym at six, so even before the kids are awake, he quickly packs his things and says his goodbye with attempts at smothering them in their sleep that are disguised as a hug. Seungmin elbows his stomach in retaliation which feels like nothing at all.

“That’s the consequence of having zero on your strength stat compared to Changbin-hyung’s at least 16 points in Muscle Armor Class,” Felix mumbles from the doorway while half-awake.

Changbin nags him to join for a session, which results in Seungmin waking up in fury and pushing him out of their apartment with a strict order not to come bothering until at least the sun is up. He laughs the entire way out and Seungmin still gives him an awkward half hug in the end, so all is well on that front.

Crisis or not, he cannot skip more gym days, his muscles wait for no emotional stability. He rushes home to get his bag and arrives at the gym just fifteen minutes before his session. Enough for a good warm up at the treadmill, which Chan has beaten him to.

“Hi Bin,” Chan greets. “So early? I thought you were going to come in late. Jeongin said you joined their sleepover.”

Changbin starts the machine. “I’ve skipped two sessions, cannot skip another one.”

“Two?! Are you okay?”

Changbin grimaces. “Let’s get brunch together later.”

“I need to go to the studio.”

“You can come in late once in a while.”

“We are a bit behind schedule.” Chan hangs his head like a kicked dog.

Well, Changbin supposes he is partly at fault for that one.

“I’ll order brunch at the studio.”

Chan visibly brightens, Changbin definitely feels bad.

Well, it has been four days since he discovered that Hyunjin went behind his back and got Chan’s help whilst not informing him of his track. Within the four days, he has managed to yell his jealous self to submission that perhaps his hyung is not at fault because—well, who would get help from the object of their affection?

Yes, yes. Changbin has come to terms with that. It’s essential, no matter how self-absorbed it makes him feel. Not entirely, but just enough.

Also at this point practically everyone in the group is aware of his ongoing crisis. The mortification that he should feel is only buffered by the fact that, well, they have always been too much in each other’s business. Some people would say maybe they should see each other less, but everyone seems to be pretty content with the current degree of involvement. So it is only fair that Chan, as the leader and his best friend, should know about the matters in hand, irrational jealousy or not.

And who knows? Chan has survived three sudden in-group coming outs in his medium-long tenure as their leader, maybe he will have pretty sensible insights to give especially on how to appease a jilted band member.

At the studio, Changbin orders a menu of salad and barely seasoned chicken breasts which he deserves for skipping several gym sessions. He adds egg toasts from the pretty expensive cafe near their company building for Chan as a silent apology for the unjust treatment these past few days. What Chan doesn’t know cannot hurt him but Changbin feels guilty regardless.

Whilst eating the food, Changbin musters the courage to divulge the ongoing crisis. It takes him around ten minutes of monologuing to explain the matters at hand, then he braces himself for the reaction.

Chan looks sheepish. “I think I kind of already got an inkling, Bin. Not gonna lie.”

“Uh. You do?”

“Well, you are not exactly the most subtle person.”

Right.

“Also Felix only half-yelled about your state yesterday.”

Right.

“I tried to defend your honor.”

“I’m sure. It’s okay,” Chan says with a wry smile. “Thank you for trusting me with this.”

Chan is usually not this affirmative. It’s probably the topic that’s triggering his counselor side.

“I don't know what to do. He hasn’t texted me since yesterday.”

“Have you texted him first?” Chan points out.

“Uh, no. Good point.”

“Maybe you should text him first,” Chan says, using the wisdom and patience he gained from being the group’s leader of seven years. “Take your time. It’s not like Hyunjin confesses to you. You don’t have a deadline regarding all of this.”

“That’s the thing, though.” Changbin stares at the ceiling. “Like you said, Hyunjin never confessed. Am I being too arrogant? Am I wrong in my assumption, hyung? God, I feel silly.”

Chan pauses, thinking. “Well, Hyunjin did not say much about the inspiration of the song, only that it's personal.”

“Yeah, it's fine. I'm not asking you to tell me if he did also confide in you. It's just—” Changbin’s ears are heating up. “—maybe I'm a bit upset that I'm out of the loop with a Hyunjin matter. Even though I know why, logically.”

“Should he tell you everything?” Chan asks with a half-laugh forming already.

“Yes!”

“Okay, okay.” Chan is already laughing.

“You think it’s silly!”

“No! Whatever you have with Hyunjin is, uh, valid.”

“We have always been very good friends,” Changbin asserts confidently.

“Sure, that must be the case,” Chan says drily. “Between us, though, Bin. I don't think you are reaching on this matter.”

Blood rushes to his entire face. “Yeah. Well. Thanks for the validation.”

Chan stifles a laugh. “Anytime. Now, I need to get to work—I know it’s been hard, but do you think you can check the melodies for me?”

“You’re a workaholic, hyung. Let’s not work too much today.”

Chan only laughs at the correct accusation.

—

Changbin [10:30 AM]

hey

how is japan

—

Changbin tries to heed Chan’s advice which means actually trying to take his time. Less worrying, being more in the moment suits him better. The other kids have also been telling him the same thing, yet it’s easier said than done. It sticks for about three hours where he manages to polish several details, go to lunch with the creative team, and wraps up a scheduling meeting with the managers, when someone mentions Hyunjin’s show tonight and his brain automatically reminds him of the lack of notification of replies.

Out of the two of them, Hyunjin is more active on the phone. He is not entirely glued to it but he also never takes that long to reply to his messages. There is no time difference to even justify the lack of response.

Maybe he is shooting something, Changbin tries to cope, which spectacularly fails when a staff member mentions Hyunjin replying to fans as per usual on the application. Cool. He reads somewhere that it takes different energy reserves to reply to a text instead of just scrolling away, but does this mean it is more tiring to reply to him? Is he losing to their fans? Most likely considering their fans have not avoided and upsetted their darling idol. Stay 1, Seo Changbin 0.

Going back to his empty apartment with the walls that are decorated with passionately created paintings, the well worn leather sofa that had paint drops on it yet never cleaned because ‘it adds characters’, and the subtle scent of their white flower candles is a torture in itself. Still no reply and he has half the mind to just turn off his entire notification setting to stop himself from checking it every five minutes. Changbin tries to busy himself by performing the manageable household chores, yet their housekeeper already did a spectacular job at ensuring every nook and cranny is spotless despite the unit being lived by two bachelors that are constantly on the move around the world.

After another agonizing twenty minutes where he only stood blankly at the balcony with only the company of the light pollution in the distance, he decides that maybe this kind of stir crazy is better enjoyed next to the river with a can of cold beer where he wouldn’t be accidentally tempted to commit something as masochistic as going to his roommate's room and do unspeakable pathetic shit alone. Like tearing up over the situation at hand or god forbid falling asleep on the said roommate’s bed which must be smelling like him. So, he bundles himself in an inconspicuous jacket and goes with a driver.

It's only Thursday night, so there is not much crowd around the area. He sits still while listening to Tablo raps about the cold. Very fitting. Not even the bucket of chicken wings he’s determined to finish can make him feel warmer. There is still no notification aside from the funny video that his sister would regularly send. He coincidentally also wants to throw up from how much he misses Hyunjin.

As if sensing his almost break down, his phone lights up.

It's a call. He almost drops it while trying to scramble for the accept button.

“Hyunjin? Hyunjin! Hi! What is it, how is the show—”

“Ah, you,” Hyunjin slurs from the line.

Well. There is no sound from the background aside from a Korean song that Changbin recognizes as a Hyunjin favorite, he must be alone and in a private place. He breathes a sigh of relief.

“Hyunjin,” Changbin says again, much more poised and collected instead of pathetic and desperate. “How are you?”

“Terrible,” Hyunjin says, rapidly sinking Changbin’s heart with the short answer.

“No after party? Are you at the hotel?” He tries to fish for more information.

“Yeah. Uh. I stayed a bit. Danced, a bit. Had a drink, a bit.”

Yeah, right. From the sound of it, Hyunjin won’t even remember this conversation tomorrow.

“I know you are doubting me. It’s not a lot. I called Jisungie too, he said I should go for it. More shots.”

That stinky hamster! “Alright Hyunjin, what did we agree on about Jisung’s id—“

“So it is just enough.”

“What enough?”

“To keep me buzzy. So that I won’t be mad at you.”

“Hyunjin—“

“I’m mad, but I miss hyung. If I'm not buzzy, I can't call hyung,” he rationalizes in his high pitched petulant tone that works so well to get him what he wants. It’s certainly working. Changbin is ready to say yes to any wishes he has, half considering to just cross the ocean and meet Hyunjin in whichever hotel room he’s holing up in.

“Hyung misses Hyunjin, too,” he says instead because the truth is the least he can offer.

“Really?”

“Of course!”

“You were avoiding me.”

Ouch.

“That’s—”

“I don’t know why. We communicated well, now. Changbin-hyung doesn’t change much, I thought it must be me who did something.”

“No, Hyunjin. No, you did nothing wrong, okay?”

“I miss home, though,” Hyunjin continues, ignoring whatever Changbin has to say.

“You will come home tomorrow,.”

“Yeah…” he trails off.

“When you are home, I’ll make it up to you.”

There is silence on the line.

“Promise?”

“Yeah. Promise. Let me see if you are really sober. Can you sign, scan, and copy it?”

There is a request to switch to video call. Changbin's heart stutters as Hyunjin appears, disheveled and cheeks flushing. Even under the dim hotel light, he looks like the greatest blessing mankind has ever been given. Hyunjin is still for a few seconds before he struggles to do the right order of the gestures. It takes him around a minute, perhaps he is indeed not that drunk.

“Copy it,” he mumbles at the end. Smiling brightly. “Changbin-hyung? Why are you here?”

Maybe not. Hyunjin is definitely drunk enough.

“To accompany Hyunjin-ah,” Changbin answers.

“You are not at home,” Hyunjin says.

“Uh—yeah, I guess I'm not.”

“Why? Do you not like it?”

“No, I do.”

“I try to decorate it, so it feels like home.”

“It's beautiful and comfortable. Thanks to you.”

“Even drew the grapes. Should have drawn something much proper.”

“Sure, let's paint then.”

“Maybe we should go see a fortune teller. I know one. She's good. She'll let us know what to do with it. Or fix the feng shui.”

Changbin's heart is about to burst. “I know. We visited, remember? I also know another expert. Let's go again. Wherever you want.”

“I wanna come home, hyung.”

“Come home, then, Hyunjin-ah.”

Not even long after, there is a soft breathing from the other side of the line. Changbin does not have the heart to end it, not when he has longed for the call so much.

Shit. Okay. He likes him. He likes Hyunjin a lot and he needs to make it up, somehow. Tomorrow he will think of how. Tomorrow he will figure out his shit and attend to his promise.

He mutes his end so as not to disturb Hyunjin’s sleep and finds a relatively empty corner to just start screaming his lungs out.

“Young man! You are going to scare the cats!”

“Sorry!” Changbin says while furiously bowing, then skipping to where his driver is parked. His heart is the lightest it has ever been all week.

—

Hyunjin [07:22 AM]

ghdh

sorry

typo

i didnt say something weird last night

did i?

Changbin [07:25 AM]

noooo

hyunjinnie was perfectly cute

Hyunjin [09:55 AM]

i thought i didnt drink a lot

that han jisung

Changbin [10:15 AM]

when is your flight?

Changbin [10:45 AM]

hyung is sorry

come home soon, yeah?

—

Changbin went to the gym with a merry heart, broke his own personal best record, and finished the short schedule today swimmingly. Maybe this is not that difficult, he cannot wait for tonight.

Sure, Hyunjin might forget about the promise, but Changbin remembers. What matters is for Changbin to deliver and it is his main mission now. Mission fixing this with Hyunjin! Surely this is not a difficult matter.

Minho disagrees, apparently.

He disagrees so much that he insists the driver must drop him off at Changbin’s apartment instead. Seungmin, the other unsuspecting passenger of the car who is clearly not in the mood for any detour, tries to protest. He still comes, though. Perhaps largely out of concern for Changbin’s safety from whatever plan Minho has in store.

“You have to be prepared. This is a matter of the highest importance,” Minho insists, sounding dead serious as he starts pacing around the house.

“When will he be back?” Seungmin asks while rummaging through Changbin’s snack drawer. Compensation, he says, as if Changbin isn’t ordering his favorite jjigae already.

“Around seven.”

“That’s only four hours of prep-time,” Minho shakes his head in exasperation at the incompetencies of the not yet lovers around him.

“Uh, surely, it’s enough? I mean, I have ordered his favorite cake as an apology. It’s in the fridge, don't eat that one, please.”

“What’s your plan then? Say sorry and bribe him with that?” Minho interrogates.

“Yeah?”

“Sorry about what?”

“Uh—“

“Tsk—see! You lack sensibility in courting.”

“And you do?”

“Are you doubting my desirability?”

“Okay, what's the plan?” Seungmin cuts because he is the only one in possession of sense in the room.

Minho and Seungmin stare at each other. Seungmin shrugs after a second, letting the older man take the wheel.

“We can start by informing Hyunjin of your recent development. Start small by letting him in on what everyone basically already knows,” Minho suggests rapidly, clearly he has put a lot of thoughts into it. He somehow has managed to acquire a small white board that Changbin does not remember having. He starts doodling and making pointers that Changbin also cannot perceive the meaning of.

“Make sure it’s not that obvious that everyone knows, though. He’ll be sad,” Seungmin adds carefully while nodding his head in agreement.

“Very true, Kim Seungmin. Step by step, don’t jump directly into a love declaration when you haven’t even wooed him. Our Hyunjin deserves romance.” Minho draws a heart with arrows pointing to it, signaling that as the main goal. “And romance requires patience.”

“Okay, that's sensible.” Changbin gives him that.

“I agree, though. Don’t overwhelm him too much. He has had a long trip today,” Seungmin notes.

“See, I’m a genius. After you have come clean to him, which would help provide context on your behavior as of late, then we can proceed to the wooing.”

“Wooing,” Seungmin repeats, unimpressed.

“My forte, but we can discuss that at a later date. For now, I’ll call the rest to gather. We do have the tradition to uphold,” Minho declares.

Seungmin stills.

“Tradition?” Seungmin repeats.

“Group meeting!” Minho explains, strangely energetic.

“Group meeting,” Seungmin repeats, eyes bulging, darting his eyes back and forth between Minho and Changbin as if to indicate are you hearing this? with his eyes.

“Hyunjin did that. Jisung did that. Felix crashed Jisung's. We always do that, right?”

“Jisung’s coming out was unplanned. Since when is this a tradition?” Seungmin retorts, almost hysterical in the quiet way he can be. “Hyung, do you agree with this ‘tradition’?” he asks Changbin with an air quote, expecting some sense.

“Well, it will be nice to have everyone present as support. Will be less nerve wrecking compared to a one-on-one confrontation,” Changbin answers meekly.

Seungmin’s eyes are bulging. Minho punches the air for the small win of today.

“I have a baseball match to watch tonight,” Seungmin refuses on solid ground.

“Kim Seungmin, is that more important?” Minho gasps, starting another new sub-argument out of pure habit.

“Yes,” Seungmin says with finality.

Minho uses his sad eyes. Seungmin looks to the other direction.

“Seungmin-ah,” Changbin whines, to buff them up.

“Okay, fine. Let’s uphold the tradition,” he relents, too quickly.

“Sweet! I’ll make the brief and ToR to send to Chan-hyung,” Minho says.

“ToR?” Seungmin is almost yelling at this point.

“What’s a ToR?” Changbin asks.

“Hyung, you were a student council president.”

“In sixth grade!”

“It’s okay, Changbin-ah. Leave it to hyung,” Minho says, standing up from his seat, smacking Changbin’s butt before scurrying to open Changbin’s laptop in Changbin's home.

Seungmin sighs. “Let's just order more food,” he says, already on Changbin's phone to use Changbin's credit card for a feast.

Well, communality is a shared value.

—

Hyunjin [06:01 PM]

okay.

arriving in an hour tops. waiting for my baggage.

Hyunjin [06:40 PM]

you are home right

are you?

Changbin [06:45 PM]

waiting for you

sorry didnt open the phone

are you close?

Hyunjin [06:50 PM]

5 minutes, help me at the lobby

—

“Welcome home,” Changbin greets him while waving goodbye to the driver.

Hyunjin stops, still dragging his luggage. “I’m home.” There is a weary smile on his face.

Despite the long flight, Hyunjin is beautiful, wearing a classic leather jacket to fight the chill weather along with ripped jeans. His hairs are curling freely, Changbin fights the urge to tuck them behind Hyunjin's ears. His heart races, reacting in a way it never did when he was in high school.

It has only been two days, but it is two days with barely any proper communication between them. Sure, there was the call, but one of the parties barely remembers it so that does not count. He steps forward to take Hyunjin's luggage. “You must be tired.”

“I am,” Hyunjin confirms. Eyes staring at the road before leading the way inside. The elevator is empty, sans for the generic jazz instrument.

“How was the trip?”

Hyunjin leans against the elevator. “Tiring. How have you been, hyung?” he asks back.

“Working.” The most unproductive week of the year. “Loitering around. Bothering the kids. The usual.” Not a lie either.

“I heard. Seungmin said you slept over and bothered him too early in the morning.”

At the mention of Seungmin, Changbin suddenly remembers the matter at hand.

“Oh. Wait. Shit—Hyunjin. I need to tell you that there are guests—”

Too late. Hyunjin has punched their security code to open the door before he can finish the warning. The moment they step inside, there are confettis bursting colorful papers to their face. They both yelp in surprise.

He was not briefed on this part!

“Welcome back!” Felix cheers, before clapping with a lot of excitement.

Hyunjin gapes.

“I’ve been gone for less than 48 hours. Did you guys miss me this much?”

“Of course, of course!” Jisung rushes forward, taking Hyunjin's luggage from Changbin's hand as if he is the master of the house. “We are having dinner together.”

Hyunjin's expression is a mix of confusion and bewilderment.

Jisung ushers both of them to the dining room where food from the restaurant they often frequent are already plated nicely. It is practically a feast. In the corner, there are balloons with the color of rainbows hanging to contribute to the festive spirit.

“What is this about? This is not June yet,” Hyunjin wonders out loud.

“You’ll see,” Minho answers. “Eat first! The flight food must be terrible.”

“Oh, it is.”

Hyunjin launches into stories of the most recent schedule which prompts discussion and more sub-discussion from the other seven members. He talks about meeting important people and being shy about the cheers that kept following. He talks about the fun after-party from the schedule that had him quite tipsy. Uh. Changbin is aware of this already.

“Jisung kept egging me to drink away,” Hyunjin says.

“I’m in Korea! It’s not like you can’t say no! I only said that alcohol—”

“Jisungie, do you want more ramyeon?” Felix asks, very pointedly.

“The hangover is not too terrible at least. I had soup for breakfast,” Hyunjin continues, not meeting Changbin’s eyes.

After quite some time, the conversation changes to updating the things everyone has been up to lately. Well, the things they can talk about without divulging the beans of Changbin's tragic crisis.

“We watched Monster,” Jeongin pipes. “Seungmin-hyung cried.”

“Everyone cried,” Seungmin asserts.

The tips of his fingers are growing cold. He stares across the tables where the members are gathered and immersed within the current discussion. All except for Chan who is staring at his phone, probably reading the Terms of Reference Minho whipped out for tonight.

When their eyes meet, Chan looks only half-mortified. Sensing the conversation has started to wind down with the way everyone is enjoying the strawberry shaved ice, he coughs to gather their attention.

“Do you need water?” Hyunjin offers to refill the pitcher.

“Ah, no. Thank you, Hyunjin. Make yourself comfortable. We have a little agenda tonight. I have been informed that I need to lead the meeting because it’s… tradition.”

Chan cringes. Minho is beaming.

“What tradition?” Hyunjin asks at the same time as Jeongin and Felix, who were clearly not briefed enough.

"Is this not Hyunjin’s welcome back party?" Felix questions before Seungmin shushes him while massaging his own forehead.

“It’s been quite some time since we have had the chance to eat together,” Chan opens because he is good at his job. “We rarely have time to spare. Well, the comeback is soon and we’ll have our trip, but getting dinner together without cameras around can be nice.”

The speech does not seem to ease Hyunjin's confusion. In fact, it’s probably making it worse. He mouths what's going on? to Changbin, eyebrows knitted together.

“Well, I know some of you are still wondering why we are here. Sorry to Hyunjin for doing this right after the flight.”

Hyunjin blinks. “It's fine, I'm just extra confused right now.”

‘Yes, I'm sure. Sorry. So, the thing is… Changbin has something to say.”

“I do?” Changbin blurts. “Oh—yeah, I do.”

Hyunjin’s confused face is now directed at him.

He starts to feel a little bit silly. Maybe they don't need a meeting. Maybe this is not the time for a second thought. Why did he agree to this again? Oh yeah, it’s much more practical and these are the people that matter most to him right now.

“It’s not something… major, life shattering or whatever,” Changbin starts. “So. I’m bisexual.”

Jisung makes a surprised noise out of support but no one else comments because everyone already knows from the ongoing almost week-long crisis. Seasons might change from winter to spring, but they are still shit at acting otherwise.

Everyone except for Hyunjin.

“Or maybe queer. Is that the correct term, Yongbok-ah?” Felix nods affirmatively. “Nice. Uh. I don’t know. Not sure yet, definitely not straight, though.”

“Oh,” Hyunjin says, audibly.

“Yeah,” he says, scratching the back of his neck.

“Is this why you have been weird?” Hyunjin asks, which prompts several stink eyes from several directions all at once.

Changbin panics. “No! Well, yes. But also, there are other things,” he explains.

“I see,” Hyunjin says, there is just the tiniest hint of hurt, but he masks it well enough. Changbin notices, though. The entire table probably also notices. “Congratulations, hyung. Can I give you a hug?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Hyunjin stands from his seat, Changbin braces himself for anything, but it is an enveloping hug that comes. The smell of both sweat and roses hit, making him heady with longing. Oh, he misses Hyunjin so much, but maybe now is not the time to drown in this in front of their six other friends who are pointedly looking the other way, staring at their nails.

Changbin tries to convey that he, in fact, needs help, Felix notices and initiates a group hug.

“Aw, we love you, hyung! Welcome!” Jisung coos while trying to kiss him. When Changbin manages to push his face aside, his lips turn straight to Jeongin who swats him off with enough energy to trip him to the side. He hears a yelp that sounds distinctly like Seungmin crashing to right next to him, followed by Minho getting pushed closer to face planting on the ground. Chan is laughing, of course, he loves them too much.

“Okay! Enough! Get off me, Kim Seungmin!”

That went well.

—

It is almost midnight when the members vacants their place. Changbin is fully sober, but the same cannot be said about some of them who are fully ignoring the fact that they do not have the luxury of a day off on weekends and still manage to get a little bit over tipsy. Chan calls for drivers and provides instructions to ensure everyone's safety return and with Seungmin wandering off and washing half of the dirty plates, Changbin only has to do minimal cleaning.

After he is done, Changbin finds that Hyunjin is not in his own room. Instead, Hyunjin is with his cigarette on the balcony, hands hanging by the rail, staring at the cloudless night sky.

Hyunjin doesn't smoke often. He's careful. He only ever does so within the safety of his studio or their secluded balcony, away from prying eyes that might judge or run with a new scandal. Usually, Changbin would nag for a healthier lifestyle, but he also knows this happens only when the younger is deep inside his emotions.

“You are going to catch a cold,” Changbin says, seeing that the younger man is only wearing his black knitted sweater.

Hyunjin looks at himself before shrugging. So, Changbin comes back with his own jacket.

“Here.”

He stares at the offered jacket. “Thanks, hyung,” Hyunjin finally says, voice rough.

It stops Changbin on his track. Okay, so he is still incapable of being absolutely normal around Hyunjin. Not surprising considering this is the very beautiful, very dear man that he is possibly quite infatuated with. He casts his gaze lower, landing on the long fingers gripping the cigarette.

Sensing Changbin's eyes on it, Hyunjin offers his pack. “Curious?”

Changbin shakes his head. “No, you know I rarely smoke.”

“You never smoke,” Hyunjin says, long fingers playing with his fancy lighter, repeatedly lighting it up only to let wind extinguish the fire every time. “Good.”

Changbin does not know what to say, letting silence settle around them.

“You were avoiding me,” Hyunjin says.

“Hyunjin-ah, hyung is sorry.”

“So you did avoid me. Why?”

“I—“

“Were you being weird because you were thinking about your sexuality?” Hyunjin shoots again.

His hands are sweating. “In a way.”

Hyunjin takes another deep drag, his full lips wrapping around the tip, cheeks hollowing.

“I don’t understand how that would warrant avoiding me,” Hyunjin says.

“It doesn’t.”

“I thought you had finally gotten sick of me.”

It is more or less a repeat of what Hyunjin has admitted before yet it doesn’t make it any less painful.

“No—that’s absolutely not the case,” Changbin insists because Hyunjin has to trust him on this one.

“I'm also upset that it seems I'm not the first one to know,” he finally admits, while exhaling smoke from his mouth. Hyunjin uncrosses his arms, tapping the cigarette to let spent ashes drop to a tray. “Chan-hyung, of course. I get it. You mentioned Yongbok—you must have talked to him too. Minho-hyung too. He was so obvious with his excitement. He's so weird.” Hyunjin's tone is too light and too cold at the same time.

Changbin cringes. Hyunjin better not find out what the entire team found out before him.

Yet, it also injects courage into Changbin's system.

“Hyunjin-ah, why should you be the first one to know?” he asks, taking a step closer to where Hyunjin is leaning.

Hyunjin scoffs. “You made me promise to tell you everything. I told you everything.”

“Not the song,” Changbin cuts.

Hyunjin’s eyes widened. “It's—”

He knows he is being unfair. “—personal. I know. I get it's personal.”

Hyunjin stares, Changbin fears he might be set on fire soon from the intensity. “Are we even then? Is that what you mean?”

Changbin wants to say that, eventually, he did tell Hyunjin about the matter. Hyunjin did not find out from the cafetaria's speaker. Does this bother Hyunjin as much as not knowing the song exists bothered Changbin?

But he doesn't say all of that, because he knows he is at fault for more than what Hyunjin knows.

“No. I’ve been an asshole, I need to make it up to you,” so he says, repeating the promise Hyunjin must have forgotten.

Hyunjin is still staring directly into his eyes, the main character of his fears and worries. He takes a step closer until they are shoulder to shoulder.

“Making it up to me? What does that mean?” His eyes are narrowing as if in mock disbelief.

Changbin suddenly finds it difficult to breathe, nevermind form a coherent sentence.

“Anything you want,” Changbin answers, meaning it even if there isn’t a reason.

“Okay.” Hyunjin takes the tray, stubbing the cigarette roughly, but his gaze stays trained on Changbin. “Hyung, do you want to share a cigarette with me?”

Changbin almost brains himself to the railing. He doesn’t. “Okay.”

Hyunjin pops the filter with his teeth. He shields the other end from the night wind so that it can be lit. Then, inhale. The first drag is a deep one. Hyunjin exhales the smoke to the side before offering it to Changbin, rosy lip balm staining the cigarette.

They have flirted before, it is practically an essential element to their dynamic, but somehow his body refuses to react normally to everything that Hyunjin now does. Awareness is truly terrifying.

Changbin coughs right after the first drag. There is a mint aftertaste in his tongue.

“Careful,” Hyunjin says, voice low, creating a ripple of shivers that he must know he is causing. “Silly hyung. Should I teach you how?”

“I know how,” Changbin shoots back. Yet another cough appears, betraying his defense.

Hyunjin takes the cigarette with a small smile.

Inhale. “Try again then.” Exhale.

Hyunjin offers for Changbin to take a drag from his fingers. Or rather, it is a demand.

Changbin swallows audibly. Then, he takes a drag. He slowly lets the smoke fill his lungs as nicotine hits his system.

There is a smile. Changbin wonders if Hyunjin tastes like the mint and bitterness in his tongue.

“You did well,” Hyunjin says.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin answers, closing his eyes while inhaling the cigarette again, then letting it out slowly through his mouth.

Carefully, he takes Changbin’s right hand before transferring the cigarette into Changbin’s fingers. “I got the copy,” he says, then.

“Copy?”

“For you to make it up to me,” Hyunjin says, so close that his face is ghosting Changbin’s cheek.

“Oh.”

“Good night, hyung,” Hyunjin whispers, leaving Changbin alone with his ringing thoughts and the burning cigarette.

Chapter Text

Hwang Hyunjin is truly something else.

First, he bared his heart through a song that somehow managed to knock some sense into Changbin’s thick skull. Opening the possibility that perhaps there has always been something more underneath their years of not-so platonic friendship. Amazing. It has catapulted him through an extremely fast speed run of self-discovery that he had no idea he would even be having a week ago. Now, through a simple gesture of asking to share a cigarette, he has managed to usher in yet another season of awakening.

Changbin stares at the distant city light in despair, willing his arousal to go away.

Tough luck.

Changbin is hard. No matter how long he tries to will it away by trying to think of any off-putting unrelated memories, his brain insists on pushing forward the image of Hyunjin’s plump lips sucking at the tip of the cigarette. It keeps sneaking a simple question of how would those lips look when wrapped around something else, like Changbin’s cock, for example.

After ten minutes of standing on the balcony in despair, letting the chill night wind make fun of him for being a bumbling horndog from a simple act of flirtation, he decides to brave the situation and walks back to his room. He forces his own eyes to not linger on Hyunjin’s closed bedroom. Longest one-minute walk he has ever done, frankly.

The moment his back touches the bed, he lets out a low groan into the pillow. He tries again, begging the nasty, horny part of him to submit and stop trying to go outside and barge into Hyunjin’s room, begging to let him suck his cock, or be sucked. Would Hyunjin be shocked by the proposition? Surely it wouldn't be such a bad conclusion to the arduous journey that Changbin has only been made aware of five days ago.

Okay. No way.

Hyunjin deserves a thorough romance that will bring directors to shame! Hyunjin, who can see romance in the most cliche genre of boys fighting monsters with the power of friendship and plaster his walls with endless iterations of sentimental embrace, does not deserve a man who cannot control his hormones! He is supposed to woo him, not losing spectacularly to his animalistic side! Where is chivalry? This is unacceptable!

Yet, his cock disagrees as it continues to work hand in hand with his traitorous brain to conjure images of cherry-stained lips, moonlight-contoured cheekbones, and long decorated fingers that would fit perfectly around his waist. Perhaps, also his ass.

Seeing no other choice but to masturbate, he decides to get over with it and free his cock from the confinement of the pants. He wraps his fingers around the length. He would like to think that his cock is decent, with a sizeable girth that has been complimented by past partners. They have said that he knows how to use them well, and that he can also last long enough to help his partner reach orgasm. Yet, precum is already coating the tip and he is now doubting his own ability to last long enough not to be embarrassing.

A testament of how much of a hormonal teenager he is acting like.

What did he masturbate to before this? Well, porn. Past experiences. He is a simple man. He does have a preference for beautiful people with dark hair that curls at the end, a plus point if they have plump lips that are made for dick-sucking. Intrusive memory of Hyunjin joking around about wanting to suck some guy's dick comes knocking, almost forgotten. Perhaps it was repressed from the mixture of arousal and his very present streak of jealousy.

Maybe he has always been obsessed.

His mind wanders. How would Hyunjin want to be made love to? Would he let Changbin splay him across the bed, gasp at every touch with oversensitivity? Would he drench the sheets with his sweat, letting the flowers mix with sex? Would he kiss Changbin's cock, savoring them with licks and kisses before going down on him?

He thinks Hyunjin’s skin would be flushing red, perhaps Changbin would get an excuse to finally count on the secret moles all over his body. At the nape of his neck. On the inner side of his left thigh that would peek whenever he was being too careless around the house.

Changbin gasps into the shower, staring at his cum stained hands. His cock is soft, and so are his legs.

Shit. Okay.

Before clarity can hit, he turns on the shower to wash away any further evidence of the regretful action. His brain chants okay okay and okay again to keep himself mindful to the present activity of trying not to think.

Never knew his refractory period was apparently not so long. It’s been too long since his last hook-up. Yet, his eyelids are heavy and his entire body is too sensitive. Thankfully, sleep overtakes him before he can work himself into another round of self-flagellation, or masturbation.

When he wakes up the next morning, he wishes it was the weekend. But no, there is a schedule and it would mean digging a deeper hole to drown himself in shame if he were to skip it over some… uncouth crisis. All he can do is brace himself against the day and pray that his face does not show any indication of the activity from the night before.

Yes, he is an adult, but he is also an adult with honor!

“Good morning, hyung,” Hyunjin says, from the backseat of the car.

That said honor is really hanging by a thread.

His hair is still a mess from sleep, nevertheless, he does not have any capability to look anything less than ready for a runaway. Changbin debates whether he should sit next to Hyunjin or take the opposite seat to collect his extra scrambled thoughts, but the dilemma is quickly shot down by the way Hyunjin is patting the seat.

“You are sitting here, right?”

Oh, he's getting tested. He can't afford to fail now, masturbation or not.

“Did you sleep well?” Hyunjin asks, so casually as his fingers glide over Changbin’s arm, feeling them up as if they belong there.

There is no one but the driver at the front and their manager riding shotgun, chattering about a popular drama that they have seemingly bonded over. Hyunjin peers at him, placing his head on Changbin's shoulder. He smells like body wash and the wisteria perfume again today. Changbin is dizzy.

“Sure,” Changbin answers, through the combined efforts of every brain cell that has not waved the flag in surrender.

His grandmother who always nags and nags for him to come visit. His father, who is an upstanding member of the society that always reminds him of the importance of decorum—

“Sure?” Hyunjin questions.

“I did sleep well,” Changbin says, not with gritted teeth.

“Did you dream of me?”

And there goes Changbin’s ability to vocalize his thoughts and intentions, straight up nuked by the simple inquiry. Too bad Hyunjin does not care. He is staring expectantly as if he has only asked an absolutely normal question for an absolutely normal small talk.

“I was hoping you did,” Hyunjin adds, his face inches from Changbin, sending an emergency alarm across every surviving system within him.

The pent-up arousal from last night is threatening to make a comeback. He shifts in his seat.

There is a cough. Changbin apparently has also lost most of his ability to notice the non-Hyunjin in his immediate surroundings because Jisung and Minho are, somehow, already sitting across from their seats with matching sunglasses.

“Good morning,” Jisung says, before promptly covering his face with another jacket. “Please don’t mind me. Pretend we are not here!”

Minho takes off his sunglasses, putting his chin into his hand while staring intently at them. “Go on, go on.”

Hyunjin only rolls his eyes, but he does not move from his too-comfortable position of basically being Changbin’s blanket. He does not push for answers though, so Changbin counts that as a temporary win. A chance to not completely ruin any dignity he has left.

Minho is grinning his evil grin while typing on his phone. Changbin’s phone buzzes, he tries to fish it out in an angle that will not broadcast whatever dubious message he has just received.

Minho-hyung [08.40 AM]

have u fucked already

[deleted message]

have you kissed already???

i thought you wanted to Woo him first

“You haven’t?” Minho questions, right after they came out of the car, and both Hyunjin and Jisung were dragged away by the makeup team.

“Why are you so invested?”

Minho sniffs in reminiscence of his cats. “I am always invested in the future of two beautiful men whom I also treasure like brothers.”

“There is something wrong in that sentence.”

“Semantics.” Minho waves his hand.

Changbin puts both of his hands on his face before dropping to a squat. “I am trying to woo him,” he admits, in a small voice. He does not know why he suddenly has shame in relation to this matter.

Minho actually coos in sympathy. “Alright, big guy. Stop looking so nervous,” he cheers.

Not a moment later, the other car appears with the rest of the members. “Are you bullying Changbin-hyung?” Felix asks, immediately wrapping himself on Changbin’s back.

“I’m providing needed support,” Minho squeaks in defense, but his hand is also ruffling Felix's hair.

The rest of them are then ushered to do their makeup and prepare for the shoot. When Hyunjin is done with his, he sits with Jeongin, seemingly talking and giggling as per usual, basking in any attention offered.

He is captivating and the makeup only enhances his features. The stylist seems to have gotten out of their funk because, for once, Hyunjin is wearing a daring red jumpsuit that shows a bit of skin at the side. There is a black suit, to make the look dapper. Alas, it is discarded to the side to ensure Hyunjin does not drench them with sweat before the shoot even starts.

Changbin is sure he is openly ogling. He is trying! To have more decorum! But what can he do when Hyunjin would occasionally look in his direction from across the room and let their eyes lock for more than a split second. No one is saying anything because this is probably just another Friday for them, which Changbin quickly files into things that need to be contemplated later.

Except for Felix, but his ‘what the hell, sure’ is also promptly ignored. Changbin can just pretend he doesn't know English that well.

“Changbin-ssi, it’s your time to shoot.”

Alas, work waits for no one. He supposed if he wants to keep his job to ensure proximity to Hyunjin, he must attend to his responsibilities. What a shame that he cannot just dedicate his entire time to admiring Hwang Hyunjin’s beauty and repressing the unbridled desire.

For the unit shoot, it comes to no one's surprise that they are paired based on age. There is a limit to their division’s creativity and it is not a high bar. Minho is standing next to Chan, ready to take a pose to get things over with, while Hyunjin is sitting cross-legged to his side.

“Changbin-ssi, can you move to the right? Closer to Hyunjin-ssi,” the photographer instructs politely.

He glances at the position. Well, if he does move, he will be hovering on top of Hyunjin's thighs. Nothing special, frankly. But Changbin does not trust himself enough. Not today.

“Doesn’t it look better from this angle?” he negotiates.

“It would be better for the balance.” It was Hyunjin who argued back.

Changbin gapes before nodding and moving closer. He is not about to argue and make himself look like a fool, or worse, allow Hyunjin to think he is avoiding him again. The rest of the shoot goes by without a hitch because they are all professionals.

Still, it seems that it was noticeable enough to those who are close enough to him. Enough for Chan to make a terrible excuse about needing fresh air and excusing himself and Changbin to walk outside to grab drinks at the nearest convenience store. Their manager tries to prevent the obvious dilly dallying, but their leader is nothing but resourceful and persuasive.

“What did you say to her?”

“Nothing of importance. Promises to treat them after the shoot.”

Ever so generous.

“Hyunjin said he's craving sweet things,” Chan says again while standing in front of the array of confectionaries.

It takes a while for Changbin to gather a response no thanks to the minimum speed his brain had been working on all day. “He did?”

“Yeah. Jisung and Lix too. I'll buy some for them. You got Hyunjin covered?” Chan asks, too casually. It makes Changbin smile how caring he is.

Changbin stares at the options in front of him. They don't have Hyunjin's preferred brand here, so he will need to stop at another store that sells the correct desserts. So he turns to Chan. “Is this your way of saying that I can talk to you about the matter, hyung?”

Chan laughs at that. “You are so direct, Bin.”

Changbin sniffs at the comment. “That's how I get things done.”

“I believe you.” The statement, too, is layered. His best friend is accomplished in beating around the bus, yet another one of the few differences they have.

“Do you worry about me, hyung?” Changbin asks, almost teasing.

Yet, Chan appears to contemplate before answering. “You know how I get, Bin. But not really.”

“Oh yeah?”

“You have been kind of speedrunning this whole thing and yet there has been no explosion yet,” Chan starts. There is a crease of worry in between his eyes that Changbin knows is not reserved for just this particular issue. Their leader has always been the biggest worrier, hellbent on shouldering so much on his own.

“Did you expect a disaster?” Changbin clarifies.

“It's a habit of mine, at this point, to brace for the worst. Yet, I'll let you know that I have not been too worried.”

Changbin laughs. “Really? Despite how much of a mess I have been?”

“Matters related to feelings, especially between the members, has always made me anxious, you know that very well. But you have been a good friend to me, Bin. I think I trust you more than anyone else to do this right.”

Changbin is aware of the implication that Chan refuses to explicitly name. “You need to give yourself more credit, too, hyung. Look at us. This group. Despite everything we are doing so well, we stick together thanks to you too,” he says instead.

There is a light blush on the leader's cheek. This man is too adorable. “Thanks,” he mumbles before pushing the cart to the cashier, avoiding further threats of compliments.

“Hyung, let’s get dinner together, okay?”

Chan hums an agreement.

—

“What is this?” Hyunjin asks while getting his makeup retouched.

“Ice cream and pastries,” Changbin answers.

“A whole bag of it? For the team too?” Hyunjin asks, mirth in his voice.

“No, just for you. You said you need something sweet. I bought donuts for everyone else,” he says to the rest of the staff who start to giggle.

“Changbin-ssi is so caring,” the makeup artist points out while distributing the snacks to the other staff.

“He is,” Hyunjin says, sweetly, while opening a cup and taking a direct lick from it. Changbin’s brain almost crashes out.

“Hyunjin-ah,” he warns.

“Sorry, sorry,” Hyunjin says while giggling, but he does not sound apologetic.

“Your girlfriend must be so lucky,” the makeup artist says, reappearing after making sure everyone got their share.

“Oh, I agree. Do you know how our parents absolutely adore him?” Hyunjin responds, good-naturedly.

“Of course, they do,” a stylist says while laughing.

The other staff around them are giggling and whistling along, adding commentaries that are making Changbin increasingly flustered. He is usually better at handling compliments, but not while Hyunjin is actively fanning the teasing. He is ready to bolt out of that corner when his hand is suddenly squeezed by Hyunjin.

“Thank you, hyung. I'll eat them well,” he says, a very simple thing that works effectively in sending another horde of butterflies into Changbin’s stomach.

The rest of the day also goes off without a hitch. Mostly. Halfway through the day, Changbin's gears are finally working better and, somehow, the rest of the members are aware of his mission. Minho has been sending him tips and tricks on wooing that are actually partially helpful, although Changbin is pretty sure that they are mainly taken out of drama and anime instead of any empirical experience.

(“I don't think we have the time and money to book the entire amusement park.”

“What a shame. That’s the bare minimum for a chaebol dating rite.”)

Felix also checks on him while drinking a box of strawberry milk. He offers a few tips and recommendations on potential gifts, most of them being accessories and thoughtful gifts that Changbin has never imagined of gifting.

(“Are you also an expert in dating, Yongbok-ah? How come I never heard about this?”

“People are usually too much of a coward to woo me right. I have taken the initiative too many times. It's too bad that people are also often too oblivious.”

He waggled his eyebrows which earned him another shove from Changbin. Minho was not around to defend the naughty cat this time, so Changbin received no scolding for the attack.)

It is actually Jisung, out of all people, who came up with a quite fantastic but simple enough idea for wooing that he can actually execute today.

“It’s classic. You can’t go wrong. You just need to make it personal by getting the flowers he likes. Also, I know a place that can do this swiftly.” Jisung sends the contact to a florist near their area. “They are trustworthy,” he says with a thumbs up.

He even has the brain to make Changbin search for the fitting one on Naver so that he would not send spider lilies by sheer ignorance. A shame, they looked quite dashing the last time Chan received a bouquet from his brand. “How are you so reliable?” Changbin questions while placing the order. Long live technology.

Jisung avoids his gaze. “Let’s say I have a cheat sheet.”

“Hyunjin-ssi, did you order a flower?” asks the manager, right before they are all set to go home.

“No?” Hyunjin asks. “Is it from a fan? I don't think we are open to that.”

Changbin sprints to the manager.

“It's me. I ordered it.”

Trust him to commit a beginner’s mistake by miscalculating how and when the bouquet would be delivered. In his defense, it is a last-minute attempt coupled with the hectic schedule.

The manager’s eyes flick to Hyunjin, who also looks surprised. “It says to Hyunjin-ssi.”

Changbin's cheeks are burning. “Yes. Let me just, uh, take it. I’ll handle this! Thank you!”

He hauls the big bouquet of flowers from the manager's arms, before turning to Hyunjin.

“Hyunjin-ssi,” he says, very much embarrassed. “Let's go take a break at the porch there?”

Hyunjin is laughing, but he follows him anyway.

“What is this, hyung?” Hyunjin asks the moment everyone is out of earshot.

Changbin takes a deep breath. “For you,” he says, offering the giant bouquet of roses and peonies.

“Why?” Hyunjin takes it carefully.

“Because you are beautiful like the flowers.”

“Okay,” Hyunjin says, smiling prettily. Just like the flowers, his creative brain supplies.

“Do you like it? I tried to remember the flowers you like from the paintings.”

Hyunjin takes an inhale of the bouquet as if he is a European princess from those classic romance films that his sister had made him sit through.

“Yeah. I love it.”

Hope blooms inside of his ribcage.

When asked, Hyunjin claims that it was sent by a secret admirer. Whenever someone compliments the arrangement, Changbin’s chest puffs with both pride and the urge to point out that the flowers are only as beautiful as the owner.

The entire way back is spent by Hyunjin fiddling with the flowers. The moment they arrive home, he goes straight to arranging the flower in one of his special vases before bringing it back to his bedroom. Changbin uses the time to order Hyunjin’s favorite takeouts since unfortunately, he is not on homemade cooking level yet. Perhaps in a few years through the power of love and several kitchen explosions.

“We have a day off tomorrow,” Changbin says during dinner.

“I've wanted to stay in for so long. The trips have been running me down. ”

Changbin swallows his food carefully before answering. “Let's spend a day inside, yeah?”

Hyunjin laughs, taking Changbin's smaller hand and covering it wholly with his. Changbin’s heart never stops skipping. “Sure.”

Hyunjin appears later, peeking from behind Changbin’s door. He is in loose sleepwear and without a trace of makeup, fresh out of the shower. There are scented candles and an iPad on hand. “Can I sleep in your room tonight?” he ask, a formality really, as if the answer is not obvious this time around. He tucks himself underneath Changbin’s bed cover without waiting for the owner to join.

“What do you want to do tomorrow?” Changbin asks while trying to pick a series to watch on his TV. Almost restless.

“Sleep in. Relax. Maybe get dinner together?”

Hyunjin’s shirt rides up until he can see the tummy beneath it. Changbin blinks because it is frankly hard to process things these days.

“Earth to hyung,” Hyunjin says, still while lounging on Changbin’s bed like he belongs there.

“Good plan,” Changbin says, to show that he still does have a brain capacity.

Hyunjin laughs, it's melodious and Changbin feels like falling a little bit lower. “When did this start?” Hyunjin asks.

“What do you mean?” Changbin crawls slowly before laying himself next to the man of his dreams.

For a moment, he seems almost shy. “You are aware of me.”

“I have always been aware of you.”

“It’s different now.” There are fingers slowly gracing his hand. “Is it because you realize you like men? How did that happen, anyway?”

Changbin has to stop himself from actively cringing. He doesn’t know if he is ready to bare the details of his disastrous details. He doesn’t know if it is quite the right time to bring up the topic of the song. “I have just been unaware. As you can see, I can be colossally stupid at times.”

Hyunjin chuckles. “Yeah, you can be.” He turns to Changbin’s direction, staring intently. “Ever since I came back, I’ve been wondering how far I can push it. I don’t want to freak you out.”

“You can’t freak me out,” Changbin argues.

“I did, though.”

“You didn’t. I’m just very new to all this.”

“If it’s all new, were they games for you before?” Hyunjin asks, but Changbin knows he’s teasing, fishing for the correct response.

So Changbin turns to his direction, carding his fingers through Hyunjin’s bangs. “I’ve taken things for granted. But no. I always do things that I want. I wanted it then, I want this now.”

Hyunjin laughs, it’s the airy one. Changbin yearns to kiss him.

That night, they did nothing aside from sleeping soundly next to each other, exhaustion from a week full of schedule and rollercoaster of emotion finally catching up to them. When Changbin wakes up in the morning, almost like deja vu, Hyunjin is still sleeping soundly next to him. It is for the best, really, because at that moment, Changbin becomes aware of another growing problem that he must face if he wants to keep doing this domestic waking up next to the guy he is courting.

He is hard. Again.

Perhaps he can detangle himself and make his escape to the nearest bathroom to take care of the glaring morning wood. This is a normal biological happening. It is just the presence of the prettiest man on earth next to him and his ever growing attraction makes everything ten times worse that it should be.

It’s making his stupid horny brain wish to grind his erection to the sleeping beauty next to him. Fuck his stupid life.

“Morning,” Hyunjin croaks, sleepily, as if sensing Changbin’s less than virtuous intention. “Hi, hyung,” he says, smiling while using his cutesy tone.

Changbin is hit with the desire to keep this moment forever. Maybe they should just permanently destroy the walls separating their bedroom and just combine them together. Fuck his morning problems, he can strategize a timely exit and Hyunjin does not need to know about it yet!

“It’s okay, I like having personal space sometimes even if you can come all the time,” Hyunjin says because Changbin is apparently also still sleepy enough to verbalize the first part of his less than sensible morning thoughts.

“Do you want to eat breakfast?” Changbin asks instead.

“I want to sleep again,” Hyunjin replies, scooting closer while tucking his head into Changbin’s chest.

Damn.

The taller man’s leg is about to graze Changbin’s dilemma of the day. Or it has, by the way Hyunjin’s eyes have started to widen.

“Maybe it’s not a good idea for me to sleep again,” Changbin says, slowly, averting his gaze to the ceiling. If there is a ghost somewhere within the house, this is the right time to appear and swallow him whole.

Hyunjin starts to laugh.

“It’s fine. It’s normal, even. See, I also have the same problem.”

Changbin, in fact, cannot see and does not know if it is a good idea for him to see anything. “Hyunjin-ah,” he complains instead.

Hyunjin coughs.

“Alright,” Hyunjin says, voice too low for him to be completely unbothered. “Let’s have breakfast together. Later. I’ll shower first,” he says, almost clipped.

A big part of Changbin wants to take his hand and offer to just suck his dick here and there, but another part of him that sounds strangely like Lee Minho is scolding him by repeating the word slow, wooing as a reminder of his more gentlemanly plan. A bit weird, honestly, considering he knows Minho would encourage the opposite.

Hyunjin doesn’t help. He never helps because he is the master of making things worse. He detangles himself from the mess of blankets and Changbin’s limbs, but not before squeezing Changbin’s arm one last time.

“Don’t take too long,” he says.

What does that even mean?!

As he jack off himself for the second time in the shower to the imagination of the love of his life. Changbin, it becomes clear to him that he is in fact ill-equipped to deal with the self-imposed demand of a long courting and the recently unleashed juvenile hormones. How did he survive being all cuddly and physically affectionate with Hwang Hyunjin for all these years? Where has that ability escaped to?

The rest of the day went better, largely from how Changbin manages to kick the unsolicited thoughts out of his system. True to his words, Hyunjin does spend most of his time lounging around the house, opening packages from his bouts of online shoppings, rearranging the furniture to match his newest vision, and asking Changbin opinion on them. It is just another regular weekend, yet to spend the day together feels quite special now.

At the back of his mind is his rapidly growing attraction, perhaps something that has always been there yet went too long unacknowledged. The question of how he should even deal with this also linger but seeing Hyunjin just existing around their shared home somehow is enough to convince him that maybe things will just work out well enough.

“You are overthinking something. Stop stealing my thing,” Hyunjin teases, while reheating the packs of soup his aunt has sent for dinner.

“How do you know?” Changbin asks.

“Of course, I do. I do that a lot, I know how it looks on another person,” he says while rolling his eyes. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

“I’m thinking about you,” Changbin answers.

Pink colors Hyunjin’s skin again. Oh. “Hyung,” Hyunjin warns.

“I’m telling the truth?” Changbin protests with no heat.

“I’m in front of you. Don’t get too occupied with your own mind. I get jealous,” Hyunjin finally says, striking back. “What is it?” he quickly pushes again.

Changbin tries not to be cliche by asking what are we? As if reading his mind and working hard to prevent him from spilling his guts, which Changbin wouldn’t put past it with the recent technology advancement and privacy breach, his phone rings, breaking the building tension.

It's his sister. He almost curses.

“Uh—can I?” he asks, showing the caller.

Hyunjin raises his eyebrows so high. “What are you saying? Just answer it,” he says with a laugh.

“Hello, noona,” Changbin greets. “Why are you calling?”

His sister scoffs from the other end of line. “Hello. Can’t I? You didn’t reply to my text,” she bristles, he can hear her exaggerated pout.

“I was shooting,” he makes an excuse.

“You haven't replied for two days! You really need to fix this habit or your future girlfriend will be on my case for not raising you right.”

He is in an intense life changing period that has too many humiliating crises, but he can’t exactly say that in front of his sister and Hyunjin. “Okay, fine. What do you want?” he asks in defeat.

His sister laughs from behind the other side. “Do you want to come over tomorrow? I thought it’d be nice if you could come over. It’s been so long and I bought too much meat.”

“Where’s your boyfriend?”

“I told you in the text, I am ditched. You really have been ignoring my messages, huh. Please feel sorry for me.”

“Oh,” Changbin looks at Hyunjin. “Uh—”

“Or do you already have plans? Is it a date? Are you ditching me too?” his sister asks again before he could explain, as if reading his mind.

“Just staying with Hyunjin,” he answers, lamely.

“Hyunjin! Oh, it's fine, if he doesn't mind he can come over too. Oh, hosting handsome young men on my precious weekend. My friends would be so jealous.”

“Noona,” Changbin whines.

“Hi noona,” Hyunjin greets, suddenly, pressing his face close to the phone.

“Hyunjin! Do you want to come over tomorrow, too? Accompany this noona, please. I’ll feed you lots of meat!” His sister starts to practically yell in his ear, forcing him to press the speaker button.

Changbin shakes his head, but Hyunjin only smiles. “Sure. We’ll see you around ten?”

“Perfect! Great. Bye! Talk to you two tomorrow. Oppa is still here,” she says while giggling, which Changbin replies with making fake gagging noises.

Then the line ends. Changbin stares at his phone without blinking.

Hyunjin squeezes his arm. “I haven’t seen noona in a while. You haven’t too, right?”

“Yeah.” Changbin nods. It should be fine. Hyunjin knows his sister well enough from how much he used to come over for sleepovers at Changbin’s house. It should be fine, he tries to tell himself. There is nothing weird, it’s not unusual.

It keeps repeating at the forefront of his mind until the next morning, keeping him distracted from pretty much anything else, including the fact that his sister is out of the loop about pretty much everything else.

The thing about his sister is that Changbin finds it hard to hide anything from her.

They have always had a fantastic relationship growing up. Their grandmother insists it's all thanks to their four years of age difference, promoting compatibility and good fortune. Perhaps that afforded them a good foundation. Yet, he is in the opinion the rest has always been due to hard work. As children, they would often get into fights with each other. Changbin knows that whenever it happened, his mother would tell his sister that she must give in to him, as it is her duty as the eldest daughter. Changbin also knows that his sister barely ever adhered to the advice, opting to tell him off directly. Being headstrong runs in the family.

That dynamic allows them to be close and comfortable with each other. In a way, he learns how to best communicate and resolve conflicts from her. She jokes about being his third parent sometimes, but perhaps it is not too far off the mark.

How should he even do this?

“I haven’t told noona,” he says, a bit frantic, while helping Hyunjin wrap up a bottle of wine as a gift. “It didn’t cross my mind.”

“You have just found out about it so recently,” Hyunjin reasons.

“Usually I tell her everything,” Changbin explains, it’s probably unnecessary from how often Hyunjin witnesses it himself.

His roommate stops to fix his hair on their living room mirror before turning to fix the nape of Changbin's shirt. “You are so weird, hyung.”

“What do you mean?”

“Most people don't try to actively come out as much as you do,” Hyunjin answers while smoothing the wrinkles on his shirt. “Most people I know barely come out.”

“It's just the members. I haven't told my other friends,” Changbin clarifies.

“That's a lot. Most of the time I prefer making people guess,” Hyunjin says with a fond smile.

“You literally came out first. Back then, remember?” Changbin reminds him of the memory.

Hyunjin pauses before laughing. “Right. I don’t know what possessed me back then. Everyone is so important to me and I thought if I didn’t tell, it would be dangerous for you to find out from another source if I fail to be careful.”

“You are so careful, Hyunjin-ah.”

Hyunjin smiles. “Thanks. Yeah, it turns out I have nothing to worry about.”

Hyunjin leaves to check on his bag and start the car.

“Does your family know?” Changbin asks, immediately after using the seatbelt.

Hyunjin is driving today, his eyes are trained on the road “No. Of course not. I mean, I think mom suspects, but that’s about it.”

“Do you plan on telling them one day?”

“Maybe. I have money, I’m not financially dependent on them, none of us are. Our group is special, I’m glad of how accepting everyone is. Somehow. But I’m not brave enough to risk it when it comes to family.”

“Makes sense.”

“But maybe, if there is someone that I treasure, I think I will want them to know that it’s not just a friend.”

Hyunjin’s right hand is warm on top of his. It almost makes Changbin choke and blush as not just a friend rings in his head.

“I never thought of this…”

“Hyung, you just got here in less than a week. It’s fine. Well, for reference, I think Jisung’s hyung knows about him.”

“Really?” This is a new information,

“He told me. You can definitely ask him about this, but he thinks his hyung knows. They never talked about it but suddenly his hyung just made a comment about an imaginary boyfriend.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah! I also think it’s sweet. When they know they know. I don’t know. Like I said, coming out is rare. I don’t know if it’s even an actual thing around here.”

The traffic moves as Changbin is left with the information to process.

“Do you want to tell noona?” Hyunjin asks again.

“Maybe. I don’t want her to guess,” he says, finally.

“That’s very you, hyung,” Hyunjin says with a smile.

His sister lives in a quaint cluster of houses that is located quite far from the center of the city. The house used to be an investment that their parents had bought early on and eventually given to her to use. Changbin can see the way his sister has started to turn the place into a home with her touch and aesthetic.

When they arrive, his sister opens the door with a beaming smile and a big hug. “My little brothers! It’s been so long!”

“You guys talk whenever I call,” Changbin points out, matching her smile.

“It’s not the same,” Hyunjin explains because he loves buttering her up.

His sister nods in agreement. “Was the traffic okay?”

“Eh, pretty fine. It’s the weekend. Oh, I can smell the meat.”

“Come, come, let’s talk inside.”

The moment they step their foot in, Hyunjin hums immediately in appreciation. “Oh, I love the design, noona. You’ve been busy ever since we last visited.”

“When was that? A year ago? Yeah. I’ve been taking my time, picking the furnitures, shopping at Jongno on my day off.”

Hyunjin gasps. “We should shop together, noona.”

“We should!” She agrees enthusiastically.

“Oh, I almost forgot. Noona, this is for you.” It’s a bottle of wine that he had acquired the last time he had a show in Milan.

“Oh my god, you don’t have to. Oh, this is so fancy,” she gushes, yet rushing to place the bottle inside of her fridge.

True to her word, there are various dishes on the dining table.

Hyunjin groans. “Noona, this is so delicious,” he compliments, right after finishing his bite.

“Since when can you cook this well?” Changbin questions. His sister has never touched the kitchen much as a kid beyond occasional peeling the garlic.

“My boyfriend has been teaching me how. You two should learn from him,” she brags.

Conversation flows easily, then, as it has always been.

“Then, Aunt asked, when are you gonna get married? And I’m like, I’m not even that old! But she kept grumbling about me turning into a lonely old virgin… I’m not even thirty yet. Crazy. Mom doesn’t even say anything, her eyes were trained on the TV, pretending she has nothing to do with the conversation.”

“Typical Mom,” Changbin comments, adding more servings of rice and meat into his own plate before offering to give some for Hyunjin.

“Do you get this kind of question in your own family gathering, Hyunjin-ah?” his sister asks.

Hyunjin shakes his head as he tries to finish munching down the meat. He covers his mouth with his fingers as he shakes his head before talking. “Not to me. But I have a cousin around my age who constantly gets the question even though she's so career-oriented.”

“Girls reach twenty-seven of age then everyone thinks we are hags,” his sister complains with a laugh. “You have it good. As long as I’m unmarried, they are not gonna nag you so much. Just make excuses about work or something,” his sister continues, pointing at Changbin.

“Aren't you planning on getting hitched soon? You've been sending me too many gown pictures.”

“I like the one with white flower brocade,” Hyunjin adds.

“Thank you. Well, if you count two years for now as soon. We are doing a long-term engagement, but I like having a head start.”

Changbin nods again in agreement

“Anyway, what is it? Spit it out,” his sister suddenly says.

“What?”

A glass of wine is pushed in his direction. His sister nudges him to take a drink from it. “You have something to say, right? You are being too fidgety, it’s distracting.”

Changbin lets his mouth hang before turning to Hyunjin. There is an encouraging nod.

Yet, his throat refuses to move.

“Well, it’s…”

He definitely pauses for too long since there is now a frown in his sister’s face. “Did you knock someone up?”

There is a pregnant pause afterward, before Hyunjin ruins it by choking his lungs out. Changbin frantically grabs the nearest glass of water to prevent his early demise.

“Noona! What the hell, of course not! I’m careful!”

“You look like you are about to piss yourself!”

“I’m gathering my words!”

“Sorry for jumping to conclusions!”

“It’s a wrong conclusion because I like men!”

The rapid shouting stops as he stills, heart beating fast the moment realization dawns that he has let the information walk out of the closet. His sister does not react, sans for her increasingly bugging eyes.

“What?” she asks after thirty seconds have passed.

“I still like women, for the record. But I also like men.”

“That means there is still a chance you could have knocked someone up,” his sister retorts.

“Not the point!”

Hyunjin coughs, but he doesn’t say anything, opting to continue drinking his water.

“Sorry! I’m just a bit shocked, okay! But I’m glad. Oh. I mean. How long have you known? Thank you for telling me this. Sorry.”

His sister grabs the bottle of white wine before refilling everyone’s glass again. She drinks a big chug out of hers in one go.

“Uh, yesterday.”

His sister blinks. She places the bottle back on the table to come forward, smothering him with a hug. “Thank you for telling me, younger brother.”

Changbin doesn’t realize it, but his eyes are a bit wet. He returns her hug. Relief washes over him.

“You both—oh, are you together? Is that why you came together? Wait, am I really bothering your date?” his noona asks the moment they part away, smiling too widely, ruining the moment again.

“Noona,” Changbin warns.

“Oh! Sorry! Sorry for assuming. Hyunjin-ah, sorry, so you are not a homosexual?”

“Noona!”

“Hey, I’m asking?”

Hyunjin’s ears are turning red, but he is smiling his genuine one. “No. No, it’s okay. I’m not straight.”

His noona’s eyes are rapidly widening. “Oh. Wow. Okay. Hyunjin-ah, thank you for telling me. Can I hug you too?”

Hyunjin is laughing. “You siblings are so similar.” But he lets Changbin’s sister envelop him with a hug too.

After things quiet down, Hyunjin excuses himself, saying that he wants to see the little garden and get some air. Changbin knows he’s trying to give some space to them. They have moved to the living room, where the walls are well decorated with frames of his sister and the important people in her life. At the center, there is a picture of their immediate family from the last holiday they had together. Everyone is smiling happily with the waves as scenery.

“Hey, I actually don’t know much about this, but I’m glad you are telling me,” she starts, sitting on the sofa right next to him.

“Yeah. This is too emotional. How come you are so accepting, noona? Did you notice…”

She shakes her head. “No. No, I thought you were… you know, normal.”

“Yongbok says we are all normal,” he corrects.

“Okay, sorry. Straight. But well. I mean, I have friends who are gay too.”

Changbin nods. “It’s usually different though, having friends and knowing it’s your own brother.”

His sister only smiles. “You have put a lot of thought into this, Bin.”

Changbin laughs. Oh, she has no idea. “Yeah, I was nervous!”

“Well. How do I say it? I’m not too religious, I think it’s all alright. Maybe if mom and dad find out that’s gonna be a bigger problem, but well, we’ll live.” She pauses. “Wait. Do you plan on letting them know?”

The family picture stares back at him. “No. I mean, definitely not now. No.”

That is a can of worms he does not want to touch yet, no matter how fast and unusual he has been moving these days.

“So, how did you realize? Wait, let me guess, you have a crush on someone?”

“Noona!” He shoves her in exasperation.

His sister doesn’t seem to mind. “Oh. Oh!” She points to the direction of the garden, there is a mischievous twinkle in her eyes that reminds him too much of certain bandmates.

Mortification rises. “Please don’t pick on us. We are not—together.”

His sister stops on her track. “Why? Does he not like you?”

Changbin does not know how to answer that. “Please,” he begs.

“Fine, fine. To tell you the truth, for the longest time I thought if Hyunjin were a girl, you would marry him.”

See, frankness is a family trait. “Well. I thought so too, when I thought I was straight. But I’m not, so maybe it’s on the table.”

His sister whistles. “The next time you come, bring him as your boyfriend then.”

“Can you stop talking, I want to actually feel sentimental for a moment.”

She just starts cackling again, everyone around him loves to laugh. “So impolite. Sit down then. I’ll join Hyunjin in the garden. I need to brag about my new collection of orchids.”

His sister gets up, but it’s not before giving him another half hug and Changbin feels like the luckiest person in the world.

It is late afternoon when they decide to drive back. His sister packed them so much food to last them a week, urging them to eat less take outs and eat healthier. Hyunjin had also seemed flustered, Changbin was so sure his sister’s itchy mouth had spilled something to him, but Hyunjin denied any information, insisting that it was only the heat that was getting into him.

“Do you want to stop somewhere?” Changbin asks, taking turns driving this time.

“Let’s just head home.”

Home it is.

The moment they arrive and out of anyone else’s gaze, Hyunjin takes his hand. He only lets go for a moment to give them a chance to take off their coat, then they are linked again. He guides him inside to their living room before sitting down on the sofa. He takes no seconds to curl himself up next to Changbin.

“Are you fine? Thank you for accompanying me today,” Changbin checks.

“Of course. I’m happy, even,” Hyunjin admits. He is quiet and comfortable silence envelopes them for a moment.

“Do you want to play a song?” Changbin asks, turning on their speaker.

Hyunjin nods, still curling his face into Changbin’s nape. “Just use my phone.”

The bluetooth is indeed automatically connected. On the screen, the title of Hyunjin’s song appears. Changbin swallows before he turns on the music.

Hyunjin stills. They both do. None of them dare to say a word until the song runs its course. It is still as beautiful. Changbin thinks about everything that has happened ever since it came into existence.

“Hyung, you know, right?” Hyunjin asks, eventually, after the next song plays, filling the room with another tune.

Changbin decides to gather every bit of courage inside him because Hyunjin deserves as much. “I do.”

Hyunjin detangles himself, choosing to stand from the sofa and pauses the music from playing directly from the speaker. He fiddles with his phone, changing it into another one with soft instruments and English lyrics, swaying for a second before turning back to Changbin’s direction. The singer’s voice is soft and Changbin can’t focus enough to catch a word of the lyrics.

“Truthfully, I did publish the song with the wish that you would notice,” Hyunjin confesses, finally.

Changbin gapes. “What?”

“I thought, if you don’t like me you would probably just never say anything about it. I couldn’t be even more obvious, Jisung has been making fun of me nonstop. It’s a good gamble.”

The information slowly sinks. “It’s working too well,” Changbin admits. “My life has been quite eventful. You have no idea. I think I drove everyone insane.”

“I have an inkling,” Hyunjin says. “I thought you knew that you weren’t straight.”

This one does take him by surprise. “No, I didn’t. Zero idea. I would have told you!”

Hyunjin shakes his head while laughing. “I know now. I thought you were being weird because the song backfired and you were disgusted by it,” he says drily.

“I’m not,” he snaps quickly. “Sorry. I’m not. Never.”

Hyunjin takes a step closer to his direction so Changbin leans back, letting his back touch the sofa. “Do you like me, hyung?” Hyunjin asks in a half whisper, almost as if he is shy.

“Do you like me?” he asks back.

Hyunjin’s eyes never shake.

“I do. I’ve been in love with you for quite some times. Probably longer than you could imagine,” Hyunjin admits in a small voice before dropping on top of Changbin, hugging him from the top. His head is right on Changbin’s nape, breath ghosting his skin. “Say something,” he begs.

“I like you, Hyunjin-ah,” so Changbin answers, laying the truth.

Hyunjin’s hands are both gripping each of his arms tighter with each passing second. “Really?”

“I like you a lot, Hyunjin-ah. I’ve been stupid not to realize it before, but I like everything about you. I want to spend so many more times together, if that is even possible. Maybe I have always been as transparent.”

“Not transparent enough. I need verbal confirmation.”

“There is no way you haven’t noticed how much of an idiot I’ve been acting like.”

“It’s cute,” Hyunjin confirms with a laugh, before biting his shoulder. He yelps, that will definitely leave a bruise. Yet, all thoughts cease to exist the moment he feels tongue taking a long lick over his neck. The a kiss, a very soft one. “It makes me happy to see you so desperate, Hyung,” Hyunjin says again, tone so low. He is practically sitting on his lap, caging him with his much longer legs.

Changbin closes his eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out.

“Hyunjin-ah, if you start, I don’t know if I can stop myself.”

He can feel Hyunjin’s breath when he speaks. “Why stop?”

”I was thinking about a long courting, you know. More bouquets of flowers. More dates.”

“Long courting? As if I haven't been patient enough?” Hyunjin laughs, softly, right next to his ear. “We can do that all without you having to stop now. I don’t want you to stop yourself. I can’t stop myself.”

Changbin shakes his head in exasperation. What is he supposed to do with him? “Kiss me first, then.”

Hyunjin’s hands are cupping his face as if it’s delicate. His thumb is slowly stroking his face as if it’s precious. “Alright, my love,” he says with a striking sincerity that sends shivers down the spine.

Hyunjin kisses him. His lips are soft with traces of lip balm against Changbin's. It is almost chaste, contrary to everything else before.

It feels like coming home.