Chapter Text
Jiang Cheng bustled around his house, cleaning and decorating the walls. He hummed excitedly to himself during the preparations, helping the staff with varying tasks despite them telling him that he didn’t need to. Of course he would put effort into it. It was his husband’s birthday after all. He was going to surprise him with all of their friends and family. He had Lan Qiren promise to send him home early today. He had already picked up the cake and it was expertly decorated by the top cake makers in the country. It had been an expensive cake, but Jiang Cheng thought it was worth it. The doorbell rang and Jiang Cheng perked up. The guests were arriving.
The first to arrive was Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan, of course. She brought with her some side dishes from her restaurant to compliment the main courses the kitchen staff had made. It was excessive, Jiang Cheng knew, but he was excited to celebrate this milestone for Lan Huan. He was turning 40 after all. She took no time in heading to the kitchen to make sure the meal was ready and prepped.
Jin Ling squealed upon seeing Jiang Cheng and immediately started squirming in Jin Zixuan’s arms. Jin Zixuan pouted when he eventually relinquished Jin Ling to him. Jin Ling screeched as Jiang Cheng lifted him up into the air and Jin Zixuan huffed in amusement.
“It’s like we don’t exist when you’re around.” Jin Zixuan said. Jiang Cheng smiled smugly, squishing Jin Ling into him.
“Of course. He’s my favorite nephew.” Jiang Cheng said. Jin Ling snuggled into him more and gave him a big, wet kiss on his cheek.
“He’s your only nephew.” Jin Zixuan said under his breath. Ignoring him, Jin Ling began to talk about everything Jiang Cheng had missed since he’d seen him last (a week ago). He listened intently as he brought him to the living room. Jin Zixuan shook his head before joining his son and brother-in-law. He smiled in endearment at Jin Ling’s animation. It was a losing battle, he knew. There was no point in fighting it.
The next to arrive was Wei Ying and Lan Zhan. They had brought non-alcoholic drinks. Then Nie Mingjue arrived with champagne and sparkling cider. Lan Qiren was the last to arrive.
“A-Huan should be arriving shortly.” Lan Qiren said.
“Alright.” Jiang Cheng said. So this was it. He hadn’t been able to get ahold of Jin Guangyao to join the festivities, but this would suffice. “So now all we do is wait.”
And wait they did. They waited and waited and waited. Jiang Cheng called Lan Huan, but he didn’t answer. He called again, but still he wouldn’t answer. He wouldn’t even answer when Lan Zhan or Lan Qiren or Nie Mingjue called him. Soon, it grew late and people ate without Lan Huan there. And then it was too late for Jin Ling to stay awake so Jiang Yanli and her family had to leave.
“Are you okay?” Jiang Yanli asked. Jiang Cheng smiled, but it didn’t seem to reassure her. It only made her worry more.
“I’m fine.” Jiang Cheng assured her. Years of experience had taught him to not react to the burst of metal that filled his mouth at the lie he told. Jiang Yanli hugged him tightly before letting him go. Jiang Cheng kissed Jin Ling’s forehead. Jin Ling made a sleepy sound, but didn’t wake. “Thank you for coming.”
“Of course.” Jin Zixuan said and they left.
Nie Mingjue was the next one to leave because he had an early meeting. He was frowning in dissatisfaction, but Jiang Cheng knew it wasn’t pointed at him. They bid each other farewell and he left, leaving Jiang Cheng, Wei Ying, and Lan Zhan.
“You don’t have to stay. You should go home.” Jiang Cheng said.
“No, we can wait.” Wei Ying insisted.
“Your husband looks like he’s desperately trying to stay awake. Just go home. It’s fine.” Jiang Cheng said.
“Are you sure?” Wei Ying asked.
“I’m sure.” Jiang Cheng said. Wei Ying searched his face, but Jiang Cheng shook his head. Wei Ying sighed.
“Call if you need anything.” Wei Ying said. Jiang Cheng nodded.
The house was quiet when they left. Jiang Cheng had already sent off all of their house staff with plenty of food for their families. He sat at the couch, nursing a glass of champagne and wondering where everything had gone wrong.
Lan Huan had been lying to him for a long while. He knew because his mouth always tasted of metal with every excuse he gave him when he came home late, when he missed Jiang Cheng’s birthdays, and when he missed their anniversaries. He lied to him every time he replied, “I love you too,” when Jiang Cheng said he loved him. When had it become a lie? At what point did Lan Huan have enough of him? Even so, Jiang Cheng still clung onto him like a leech. Where else would he go? Who else would tolerate him if he left? Everyone said Lan Huan had the patience of a saint, but it turned out that even his patience had limits.
Jiang Cheng felt an empty hole in his chest. There was a numbness that spread through him in the silence, the delicate fabric that kept him going peeled away, leaving nothing but a husk. Was it really so hard to love him?
“What are you talking about? Of course I love my son!” Jiang Cheng could taste how metallic his mouth became when his father said that even now. He had initially thought he was bleeding and looked in the mirror, only to see that his mouth was completely fine.
Jiang Fengmian sighed in exasperation. “We’ve been over this. Why do you think I love A-Ying more than A-Cheng? I love them equally.” The taste was even stronger then and by that point, he knew what that taste meant: he was lying. Jiang Cheng always associated metal with his father. He always lied.
“What are you talking about, Jiang Cheng? What father wouldn’t love their son? He’s just harsher on you because you’re his biological son!” The metallic taste was faint, but still present. Even Wei Ying didn’t believe what he was saying. They were just empty words meant to reassure him, but only served to hammer it in deeper.
“You both matter to me, A-Cheng. Equally.” That. That was the truth and he remembered the relief he felt to not taste metal on his tongue when Jiang Yanli reassured him. If even his sister didn’t care for him, he thought he’d break.
“Congratulations, A-Cheng. Cherish him because with your personality, Lan Huan is the only one who has the patience enough to endure it.” He remembered the lump he had felt in his throat when his father had said that in front of everyone. For once, he didn’t taste metal in his mouth when his father spoke. But what hurt the most was that no one came to his defense, not even Lan Huan.
Now, Lan Huan’s voice began tasting like metal because of how much he lied. The platitudes, the empty words of assurance that he loved him with all his heart, that he would always love him. Lan Huan had fallen out of love and he, like a fool, still loved him and still wanted to keep him close despite it. You’re so pathetic, he thought in disdain. That’s probably why Lan Huan stays. He can see right through your pathetic mask. He just pities you.
The door unlocking brought him out of his thoughts. He kept looking forward though as he put his armor back up. He quickly finished the glass of champagne. It had become flat since he’d been sitting and staring off into space.
“Where the fuck have you been?” Jiang Cheng asked when he turned around. Lan Huan had been gaping at the party decorations, at the cake with unlit candles stuck inside it, and at the plate Jiang Cheng had made for Lan Huan wrapped in saran wrap.
“I was busy.” He said, his words tasting like iron in his poor attempt at defensiveness.
“Too busy to send a text? Didn’t ShuShu tell you to come home early?” Jiang Cheng asked.
“Something came up!” Lan Huan exclaimed. “You can’t expect me to drop everything and follow your whims!”
“My whims.” Jiang Cheng repeated derisively, sneering at how his efforts were reduced to a mere whim. “I invited everyone here! A-Jie even cooked for you! I had all the kitchen staff cook all of your favorites! We took the time to celebrate you and you—!” His voice cut off. It was a losing battle he could see. He had found someone new to spend time with, someone he thought was more worthy to spend time with than Jiang Cheng. Than his family. (And Jiang Cheng had a sinking feeling that he knew who it was).
He got up without saying another word and went to the kitchen. He began to clean up and Lan Huan watched him.
“Did you organize all this?” Lan Huan asked finally.
“Along with Lan Zhan, A-Jie, and Uncle Qiren.” Jiang Cheng said flatly. Lan Huan fell silent and Jiang Cheng soon finished putting the cake and food away. “Good night. Happy Birthday.”
He went to the guest bedroom and slammed it shut, locking it for good measure. Once the door closed, he crumbled, sobbing quietly into his hands so that Lan Huan couldn’t hear.
Jiang Cheng hardened his heart the next day as he always did. He fortified himself to get through the day at Lotus Electrics. He had taken the day off yesterday to get Lan Huan’s birthday ready and had a lot to catch up on.
He ran the company with stringent efficiency and had no room for slackers, but he never had to worry about his employees. They all did their jobs well and when they underperformed, Jiang Cheng made sure they had the support they needed to succeed and was flexible to accommodate them. It brought a warm atmosphere to the workplace that he hadn’t seen before he took over. He created a culture of collaboration so people were willing to work with each other as a team instead of being competitive and trying to take each other down.
He took pride in the way he redeveloped this failing company and completely turned it around to the point that his father had to grudgingly agree he was right. It didn’t bring him the satisfaction he thought it would though. Still, rebuilding Lotus Electrics was his crowning achievement and he took pride in what he had done. It was the only thing in his life he could take pride in.
“Jiang Cheng?” Jiang Zhou, his COO asked.
“Sorry. Whatever you think is best will be fine in this case. Feel free to move forward with it.” Jiang Cheng said. Jiang Zhou nodded.
“How did the birthday party go?” Jiang Zhou asked now that they had run through their agenda. Jiang Cheng scowled deeply and Jiang Zhou’s smile faltered seeing his unhappiness.
“Something had come up at work and he couldn’t come.” Jiang Cheng said. He was rewarded with a mouth full of metal for covering up for a man who clearly didn’t care about or respect him. Jiang Zhou’s jaw tightened and he looked like he was keeping back what he wanted to say. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” He said with finality.
“Okay.” Jiang Zhou said, but it looked like he was pulling his own teeth just to let it be. He left soon after and Jiang Cheng returned to his work.
He ended up working through lunch, not even taking a break in between. There was so much to do and eating wasn’t high on his priority list, which was why Jiang Zhou came in with food, knowing that Jiang Cheng wasn’t going to leave his work to get some.
“You should eat.” Jiang Zhou said.
“No thanks. I’m not hungry.” Jiang Cheng said dismissively without looking up.
“Are you sure? I went through all this trouble just to get you food.” Jiang Zhou goaded, shaking the bag. Jiang Cheng looked up to see the takeout that his colleague had gotten him. He was smiling a shit eating grin knowing he wouldn’t refuse because he didn’t want to be ungrateful. Sure enough, Jiang Cheng held out his hand and Jiang Zhou happily dropped the food into it.
“Thank you.” Jiang Cheng said without looking at him, but the blush on his cheeks was very noticeable. Jiang Zhou, of course, didn’t mention it.
“You’re welcome.” Jiang Zhou beamed and left.
Food wasn’t a motivator to get him to slow down. He ate while he worked, barely tasting the food, but finishing it anyway on principle. If he slowed down, that meant he would have time to think, and if he had time to think, his thoughts would spiral downwards into a dark place. One where he didn’t want to exist. So he worked and worked and worked deep into the night, longer than anyone else. Lan Huan wasn’t going to be home anyways so what was the point of going back to an empty house so soon?
He finally went home when his eyes became bleary and the numbers and words from the proposal he was viewing began blending together. His eyes burned and began to water. He tsked as he wiped away the unwanted tears. He turned off his computer, grabbed his work laptop, put it in his bag, and left the building, nodding at the janitors as he went by. When he got into his car, he took a deep breath before placing his head on the back of his hands that were resting on his wheel. What if I just never went home and just drove off the bridge or drove my car into the water? Would anyone notice? It took him a long time to shake the thought away, but once it had fizzled down and he was confident that he wouldn’t follow through with it, he turned on his car and prepared himself to arrive to an empty house.
Jiang Cheng gaped when he pulled up their long driveway. The lights were still on. He told the staff to close up on time even if he hadn’t arrived from work yet. Confused, he entered his house to the staff’s welcome.
“What are you still doing here?” Jiang Cheng asked sharply. It was nearly 10pm!
“Mr. Lan arrived home while you were away.” Ms. Rena said.
“He’s home?” Jiang Cheng asked.
“I am. Is it that appalling?” Lan Huan asked in amusement.
“You haven’t been home before me in several months.” Jiang Cheng deadpanned. That was an understatement. It really had been over a year. Lan Huan had the decency to look guilty.
“I know I’ve been busy,” the taste of iron filled Jiang Cheng’s mouth, “but I would like to make it up to you. Uncle told me how much you had put into my birthday and it made me realize how much I miss you.” As Lan Huan spoke, the iron taste began ebbing away. It didn’t go away completely though and that alone made Jiang Cheng wary. “I brought you your favorite chocolate cake.”
“Alright.” Jiang Cheng said, relaxing despite the knowledge that it was all fake.
Lan Huan smiled and held out his hand. Jiang Cheng took it and allowed him to tug him towards the kitchen.
“What is this?” Jiang Cheng asked in bafflement, seeing the flowers that lined the hallway that led to the kitchen.
“Well, I didn’t get to celebrate with you all yesterday, so I thought we could celebrate now?” Lan Huan said, unsure.
“Oh.” Jiang Cheng said breathlessly. He gave a small smile to Lan Huan and he beamed back at him in return. When they turned into the kitchen Jiang Cheng felt his fondness for this man returning because the decoration was absolutely atrocious. He had no eye for what went together and what should go where to make it more cohesive. It was endearing.
“Do you like it?” Lan Huan asked.
“This is your birthday. Why does it matter that I like it?” Jiang Cheng asked in amusement, but he sobered seeing Lan Huan crestfallen. When had he stopped being able to discern when he was joking or not? “I love it.” Lan Huan’s eyes lit up and he took out the chocolate cake he promised and two forks.
“Then let's eat.” Lan Huan said excitedly. Jiang Cheng took his fork and dug in. He sighed as the richness of the chocolate melted on his tongue. The cake itself was moist and spongy. After he had the cake from this small bakery, he couldn’t buy it from anywhere else. Jiang Cheng felt happy that he still remembered. “I’m really sorry about yesterday.” He didn’t taste anything from his apology and he relaxed even more. When was the last time he’d felt relaxed in Lan Huan’s presence?
“It’s alright. It couldn’t be helped.” Jiang Cheng said, forgiving him yet again against his better judgment.
They fell into silence as they ate. Jiang Cheng remembered a time they could talk about everything and nothing, but he didn’t have the energy to. He could tell Lan Huan was uncomfortable with the silence by how he shifted in his seat. Jiang Cheng would fill the silence, but Lan Huan was the one who had done most of the talking while Jiang Cheng listened in the past. Did he feel uncomfortable with him now? Is that why he was struggling to start a conversation? Suddenly, the cake tasted like cardboard and exhaustion began seeping into his bones. It would probably be better if he just went in for the night so that Lan Huan wouldn’t force himself. He put his fork down and Lan Huan perked up.
“I’m getting tired and it’s late. I’m going to go to bed.” Jiang Cheng said. Lan Huan opened his mouth and then closed it. He had a troubled expression on his face.
“Oh. Okay.” Lan Huan said in disappointment.
“Good night. Thank you for this.” Jiang Cheng said with a smile. He got up to head to the kitchen entrance, but hesitated. He leaned down and kissed Lan Huan’s forehead. “I love you.” And left before Lan Huan could reply. He couldn’t take hearing him say it back insincerely.
Jiang Cheng took a shower from the bathroom attached to the guest bedroom, feeling numb. He wanted to feel grateful for Lan Huan’s attempt, but seeing how uncomfortable Lan Huan was around him hurt. He felt it was time to admit that his marriage was over and had been over for a long time now, but on the other hand, who could love him if the man known for his grace and patience couldn’t stand him? He didn’t want to suck the life out of another person. It would be better if he was gone for good.
The knock on his door startled him out of his thoughts. He put down the razer he’d been staring at for a little too long (he had wondered what it’d feel like to drag it across his wrists and end his life. Would death be as blissful as he imagined?). He quickly rinsed off the remnants of his shaving cream and slipped on a pair of shorts. He didn’t bother putting on a shirt. His hair was still wet when he opened the door. He didn’t have the chance to blow dry it and it clung to his skin. Water dripped down the planes of his torso, which had softened considerably; he had no time to work out anymore (more like he had lost all motivation to work out. What was the point when Lan Huan no longer touched him?). Lan Huan looked down and back up before licking his lips.
“Um…why don’t you come sleep with me tonight?” Lan Huan offered when he gathered himself. Jiang Cheng stared at him incredulously.
“Are you sure?” Jiang Cheng couldn’t help asking.
“Of course I want to sleep with you. I’m your husband.” Lan Huan said. His mouth was metal free. Jiang Cheng kept his expression carefully neutral as once again Lan Huan acted as if he hadn’t changed . He remembered a time Lan Huan stiffened whenever he initiated affection or tried to seduce him. He remembered the constant yet subtle rejections of his touch, so he had eventually stopped trying and sure enough, Lan Huan stopped going out of his way to give him affection or to touch him intimately. Jiang Cheng had begun sleeping on the edge of his bed and then eventually moved to the guest bedroom because of it. Lan Huan never complained when he had moved, so he could only assume that it was what he wanted.
“Please?” He asked.
“Okay. Just let me finish up.” Jiang Cheng said. Lan Huan nodded with a huge, relieved smile on his face and left. Jiang Cheng pulled on a shirt and blow dried his hair until it was most of the way dry. He then tied his hair up into a bun before heading to their room that seemed so foreign to him now. He knocked on the door, unsure if he was really welcome. Lan Huan opened it almost immediately after he knocked and smiled at him.
“Come in.” Lan Huan prompted when it became clear that Jiang Cheng wasn’t going to enter without his encouragement. His smile had flagged seeing his hesitance, but it came back at full force once he entered. “Let’s go to bed.”
Jiang Cheng nodded and laid down, but kept to the edge to give Lan Huan plenty of room. However, he was soon shocked when Lan Huan wrapped his arm around him.
“Is this okay?” Lan Huan asked.
“Yeah.” Jiang Cheng said breathlessly. He didn’t even know how long it had been since Lan Huan held him. He wanted to cry, but he swallowed the lump in his throat. He wasn’t about to ruin this moment by crying. He didn’t dare move, afraid if he did, or if he asked for too much that Lan Huan would pull away. Lan Huan’s arms tightened around him and then Jiang Cheng jolted when Lan Huan’s lips found his throat. He turned around, looking at Lan Huan’s half lidded eyes. Lan Huan got closer and closer until their faces were mere inches from each other.
“Can I kiss you?” Lan Huan asked, his voice low. Jiang Cheng remembered a time that Lan Huan could just kiss him without asking.
“Yes.” Jiang Cheng breathed and Lan Huan bridged the distance. Jiang Cheng sucked in a breath at the contact. He pulled away so that he could turn towards him and kiss him deeper.
Oh how Jiang Cheng had missed Lan Huan’s touch. How he could take him apart so easily. Lan Huan’s hands mapped out the planes of his body, exploring places that hadn’t been touched in so long. And when he entered him, Jiang Cheng felt an explosion of sensations and he came embarrassingly fast. Lan Huan held him through it, rubbing circles into his back as he shook, but Jiang Cheng wasn’t done. He flipped Lan Huan onto his back. He looked up at Jiang Cheng in shock as he sunk fully onto him even though he was still sensitive. It was Jiang Cheng’s turn to satisfy him and he did. He relished hearing Lan Huan moan, call out his name, and how he held his hips in a bruising grip. Jiang Cheng wanted to be seared into his mind. He wanted him to not be able to forget how he made him feel.
As Lan Huan laid curled up into his side, Jiang Cheng stared up at the ceiling, unable to sleep. He looked down at Lan Huan’s sleeping face and ran his hand through his hair. He felt such warmth in this moment that he wondered when it was going to end. He knew that inevitably it would. This was too good to be true after all.
And he was right. The sweetness, the spontaneity, the surprise dinners and coming home on time came to an end a month later and Lan Huan returned to never being home and when he missed both his birthday and their anniversary, all Jiang Cheng felt was resignation. He hadn’t even planned anything for it knowing that it would be futile (and hoping that maybe this time, Lan Huan would be the one to do it). Jiang Cheng buried himself even further into work. His days bled together and he felt like time went both slow and fast at the same time. The numbness came back at full force (though it had never gone away) and that niggling voice that had been getting louder and louder over the years wondered: what was the point of living?