Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

This sucks.

This really really really really sucks.

"What am I supposed to say? 'I'm- like this with all of you?'"

The boy with wild hair, held back by a glittery pink headband glares at all his friends. His sharp eyes and tiny pupils, the image of irritation. But not even that is as bad as the itchy feeling in his throat and lungs; roots and buds crawling inside waiting to come out of his mouth in a spray of petals and spit. Gross.

Aoi nervously wrings the pencil held in her fingers. "We do too, Ryo. But not like that ."

Figures. The last two weeks have been a confusing mess of different flower petals in the colour of his friends’ eyes. Nine different colours, one flower for every person. One flower for each of his friends. They might literally be the death of him.

“What happens if I get the surgery?”

“You'll lose all your memories of us.”

He laughs a little unhinged. “F*ck that !”

“So that’s a ‘no’ to the surgery?”

"It's not a yes ."

"We're going nowhere with this."

"We'll whaddaya want me to do, Kayama?!"

Minoru clears his throat. "Are we supposed to fall in love with you or what?"

And there he goes dropping the big L word. They'd been bantering and arguing for a good twenty minutes trying to avoid the feeling altogether. 

They figured amongst their random yelling that maybe it doesn't need to be romantic. Just that everyone has to reciprocate with similar platonic feelings.

Everyone?

“There are nine flowers. So there are nine of you. So I’m expecting nine confessions.”

“Because you have nine friends, yes.”

Shuuji being a jackass is usually very funny. He wants to yell at him, but there’s an amused shine in Shuuji's eye. Has been for the last ten minutes after they established that he was in fact, not dying immediately. The insecurities that made him look so small are gone in the presence of his friends and Ryo finds an odd comfort in that. That they can trust their friends no matter what. 

So they hound eachother with stupid questions until they can find their stupid answers. All of them surrounding the professor because they’re still just a bunch of kids looking for guidance in the presence of one trusted adult.

“Professor!”

“Prof!”

“How do we save him without surgery?"

"Or saying the L word?”

The professor laughs. “It shouldn’t be so hard to tell someone you love them. We all feel love for each other don’t we? We all want to protect each other.”

“I mean, I guess.”

Akiharu looks at the younger boy with kindness in his shining eyes. Despite the wrinkles that surround them, they still sparkle like a child’s in wonder. “Ryo, my boy. You know I love you right?”

The boy stands in the silence. Stunned. “I really wasn’t expecting that.”

Miyuki stands confidently next to her brother. "And I love you. " 

He feels something shrivelling inside him. The roots dying or maybe it’s his ego and he’s the one dying from embarrassment. 

And when he's done spitting and hacking purple and blue forget-me-nots, Miyuki smiles warmly, mirth reaching her eyes. "It'll become easier to say the more you say it."

Right. My turn.

“I lo-” lo-lov- , “you too prof. A-and Miyuki."

Yeah, this is gonna take a while.

Chapter Text

Today’s aggressor is easy. Bright pink rose petals cling to the corners of Ryo’s mouth; the culprit, sitting beside him in their favourite out of the way hospital cafe. Licking the whipped cream off the top of her chocolate milkshake like a little kid. Dipping her fries in her drink when she thinks no one is watching. His heart aches a little for the life she’s lived; remembering his mother. How she suffered, bed ridden and unable to move. Hospitals suck. Being alone in a hospital sucks worse.

Saki feels like what a kid sister might be like. But she reminds him of mom in the way she never let it get her down. Or maybe he just wants to be able to protect her the way he couldn’t his own mother. And just the same, his feelings for her are as sweet as a rose. Full of admiration for her strength and happiness for her joy. Embarrassing. Also painful.

“Why does loving you hurt!”

“I didn’t mean to!” She whines amidst his pain, thorns crawling over the sensitive flesh of his lungs. She just laughs, the brat. “That almost sounds like poetry. If we didn't know how much you hated romance I would’ve thought that was pretty romantic."

Ugh, there she goes teasing him again. He is, after all, easy to rile up.

“Why do you hate me so much?” He grumbles.

The brat kisses him on the cheek, whipped cream, lip gloss and all. "Of course I love you silly."

And just like that, the roots and thorns shrivel up in his lungs and he breathes a little easier.

He clears his throat. "Finish your food."

Chapter Text

“I love you man!”

Ryo tests the roots in his lungs. Brown day lilies this time according to the book of flowers Shuuji made him borrow from the library. The irritation in his lungs is still there as well as the new rising irritation towards his companion staring at him with wide eager eyes and an even wider grin.

“Didn’t work.”

“Eh, it was worth a shot.”

Both sigh, leaning back onto their seats. Almost synchronised as both boys shove chips into their mouths - one in annoyance and the other in nonchalance - wiping greasy fingers on their clothes.

“How can you just say sh*t like that?” he complains with food still in his open mouth. “Everyone else is having a hard time.”

“‘Cause it doesn't mean anything?” Minoru shrugs. “It’s easier to say things you don’t mean.”

Ah, right. The jokes. This unaddressed Minoru thing that stays just like that. Unaddressed. 

“But this is nice right?” Minoru places his cheek on one hand, grin on his face intent on making things more awkward than they need to be. "Just a coupla dudes."

The torrent of annoyance warmth affection hits Ryo all at once, his body locking in stasis not knowing whether to laugh like a moron or throttle the funny little idiot.

But Minoru makes it so easy to forget his worries. So he laughs, loud and unexpected until he's hacking out flowers again, struggling to breathe. Minoru wraps his gangly arms around him, steadying his shaking. Then murmurs quietly. Quieter than he's ever heard him. 

"I love you man."

He feels the coughing stop. The tingling in his lungs, shrinking. Ryo wraps his arms around him too, heart light with humour and affection.

"Idiot."

Chapter Text

Takuma stands in front of him, with his usual smile on his face though he’s more serious than ever. In Ryo’s hand is a white handkerchief, courtesy of Saki, brown orchids littering the inside.The flowers are still buds, not yet fully bloomed, the hanahaki advancing a little farther with every day that a confession goes unsaid. He holds it gently anyway, the petals are softer than the delicate threads of the handkerchief and he should really throw it away but it’s Takuma’s so.

“You don’t have to do this, you know. “

“No, it’s fine I can do it,” he reassures. “Professor said it should be easy. I can do this.”

The younger boy huffs in preparation. Takuma, always so affectionate but shy in the limelight. He stands awkwardly in front of Ryo like he’s standing in front of a mirror practicing the words to make it just right . To make it all right.

"I- l-love-"

"Really, Takuma,” he tries to give the poor kid an out. “You don't have to say it now ."

"But I do ." And then he’s there, the boy that led them through disaster. That determination to save them all beaming through this face like a freakin’ lighthouse. Takuma places a hand on his shoulder and the wild screaming panic he didn’t realise he had clears, and all the muffled insecurities quiet down, just because Takuma believes in him. 

"Ryo, you're my friend. And I love you."

And he can do nothing but stand frozen until the tell tale signs of roots and petals and his own fragile heart, shivers and shrinks in embarrassment. "Geez don't make it sound like a confession."

Chapter Text

There’s a book balancing on the tip of her fingers, she holds it lightly, eyes scanning the pages but not really reading. Just like she whispers her confession under her breath but not really confessing. She bites her lip in worry then sighs in a rush of breath. She’s been doing this for the better part of an hour, not knowing how to address this issue. The soft petals of violets tickling the back of his tongue. But he doesn’t dare make a sound. Finally, she turns to him.

“I want to say it. I do but you’re a boy and I don’t want it to be weird.” She turns back to her book as if talking to herself. “What would people say?”

“What’s weird? You're making it weird.” He retorts, a little irritated. It’s not like it’s his fault this is happening. It’s everyone else for making him fall in l- lov- Hmm.

And just like that, she’s back to mumbling inside her pages. Whispering I love you? I love you over and over as if waiting for the miracle that’ll change the meaning of the words. He doesn’t mind her indecision. After all, it’s her faithfulness to her duty, to her friends that makes him want to do the same for her. He can wait as long as she needs.

Ryo," Aoi twists her body a little away from her book. She closes it completely, not bothering to bookmark what she wasn’t reading.

"I love you, ok?"

He pauses, unsure. Looking at her kind gaze, calculating. He smiles.

"'K mom."

He closes the door to her soft laughter. Roots and petals withering under her gentle care.

Chapter Text

Ryo sniffs, then clears his throat. Beside him, today’s culprit nods slowly, lips pursed. Ocean grey eyes flicking this way and that, catching sunlight like the scales of a runaway fish. Looking anywhere to avoid the hooks of Ryo’s awkward disappointed glare. Neither of them know how many times they've cleared their throats in the last twenty minutes. Blue crocus buds, spilling from Ryo’s lips every time he does.

“So listen,” the box-hair-dyed-blonde starts. He’s listening , “I do like you,” Kaito pushes the words out of his mouth. “I mean, you’re ok I guess.”

“I’m ‘ok’? You ‘guess’?” He tuts. “Come here. Come here!”

He wraps an arm around Kaito’s neck as the taller boy leans closer. And promptly brings him down to his level. Close enough to put his lips by a pierced ear. “You’re too goddamned tall!” He shakes him roughly. “I could be dying and this is all you have to say?! I’m ok?! You guess?!”

“Ok! Ok! I’m sorry!” Kaito’s yelling through his panicked laughter, trying to shove the older more aggressive boy. Not taking him seriously one bit. 

Kaito clears his throat again, hand awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “This shit used to be easier,” he grumbles, “you know what that's like.”

Ryo thinks of his father and how they dance around each other. Close, but not close enough to feel each other's warmth. Longing, he thinks, might be the right word. 

“Yeah Kaito. I do.”

“So,” Kaito clears his throat for the last time. “I do love you. I hope that comes through.”

It does. Kaito’s love is rough and abrasive, but it’s strong. 

He clears his throat and no bud falls out. “Yeah, course it does.”

Chapter Text

Ryo finds his nose buried deep in pollen, his face shoved full of brightly coloured flowers. The sweet smell mixing up the signals in his brain. And here he was thinking he was going to have a normal day. Other than the weird brown and yellow tulips that he keeps hacking out of his lungs every twenty minutes, he’s feeling pretty ok. 

“What’s this?” He asks

“They’re flowers.”

“I think I have enough flowers, Miu.” What, is she trying to give  him hanahaki and hayfever or something? He looks up just in time to see her roll her eyes. 

“Shuuji gave me this book.”

That answers nothing. Shuuji gave him a book too, what about it?

“So?”

“What do you mean ‘so’?! Didn’t you read the book Shuuji gave you?”

“I-” he flushes deep red. Damn brat’s too smart for her own good. “Don’t call me out!”

“Anyway, I told Takuma I had trouble expressing my - ugh - feelings to my friends.”

Ah. Now that sounds familiar.He’d spent half of his life dismissing people just like they did him. But Miu, their youngest, is also one of their most resilient. He wants to understand her better. Because she reaches for a place to belong and he knows how that feels.

“Shuuji found out and told me about the flowers and how they have different meanings .” She brightens up. “So if you did a whole bunch then it's like you're saying everything you need to without really saying anything!”

Damn kid sure looks proud of herself. He can’t help but let the bubbling admiration show on his face. She can't even say I love you to her own brother, but she does love her brothers. And maybe the thought of them will be enough.

“Did it work?”

He chuckles at her eagerness; he chuckles in relief. “Yeah Miu. It worked.”

Chapter Text

"Why is it me?"

"You're the only one who hasn't tried."

"You mean Kaito already-"

"It's not Kaito.”

"You don't know that."

"I do know that. It's not Kaito."

Ryo wraps a hand around Shuuji’s skinny elbow and drags him away from prying eyes and nosey ears. Sitting him down on the grass where they can have some privacy. Where Shuuji can struggle with his thoughts as much as he needs. Where Ryo can bare his heart and not be looked down on. He places a calming hand on the older boy.

"You can sacrifice your life to save us but you can't admit that you love us?"

“That’s different.”

“You helped Miu with her bouquet. Couldn't you just do something like that?”

“It wouldn't work Ryo.”

“Why not?”

"Because I don't . I want to, I just-"

"Can't let yourself love?"

"I don't know how ," the older boy sighs. "It's stupid but I'll figure it out. I can say it."

"Shuuji. There's nothing to figure out." He looks struck, like he just got hit, and maybe sometimes that face he made that day still haunts him. There's still that part of Shuuji that's endlessly frustrating and insufferable. But Ryo will suffer him. Because he loves the strength in his spirit. That he's trying.

"Thanks man," he says out loud because apparently communication is important.

"Huh?"

"For what you said.” He shrugs. “For being yourself. We know it's hard for you to try. So, thanks."

"I-" Shuuji chokes on the words. It’s all too big and heavy to say so lightly. But he reaches for something honest to say, and it's easier. "I'm not gonna let you die, alright?"

Ryo wants to laugh in embarrassment but the other boy’s face is too earnest. Not to mention the feeling of roots and leaves and buds shrivelling inside his lungs. He grins.

“Alright, I trust you.”

Chapter Text

A new petal falls out of the young man's mouth. After all the hard-earned and hard spoken confessions, he's still getting flowers.Aoi picks up the flower covered in spit from the ground while Saki peeks around her shoulder and pipes up.

“You haven’t had daffodils before?” 

“No, first time I'm seein’ it.”

"I don’t get it,” Takuma says. “I thought Shuuji was the last one.”

Kaito crosses his arms in thought. “What if he’s not?” 

“Don’t tell me you have a friend on the side.” Minoru says solemnly in a half-joking tone.

Miu curls up from where she's sitting, voice tight and concerned. “So who's the last one?”

Shuuji stares at the thing like he's planning on dissecting it. Then he starts laughing. “You are.”

Ryo narrows his eyes at him. What in the world is he on about now? Shuuji just laughs harder at his dumbfounded face.

“It's you. It's you and you can't admit you like yourself.”

“That makes no sense. How the hell did I fall in love with myself? What am I-” He gets stuck for words “uh?”

“‘Narcissus?’”

“The hell is that?”

Aoi starts laughing too. “It’s from Greek mythology. Narcissus falls in love with his own reflection.” She unfurls the Daffodil and hands it to him with a bright grin. “It’s also the name of a flower.”

Finally alone, Ryo looks at himself in his bedroom mirror; sharp eyed and glowering. Lips downturned and shifting uncomfortably. “I love you?”

He tests out the words in his mouth. But his breaths are still clouded by petals and roots. Lungs itching to expel its contents. He sighs. Confessing to his own reflection didn't work. Maybe it’s not even him. 

“Ugh whatever. Shuuji has been wrong before.” He looks his reflection in the eye, really seeing the teenager he’d grown up to be. Trying to fill in the blank spaces of when mom was there and when she wasn’t. His height, his hair, his angry eyes. There’s photos on his desk from a whole different life. Mama and papa cuddling a giggly bundle of brat. Round cheeks and big eyes that used to look up at them in wonder. He used to be so cute now look at him. It’s like he doesn’t even recognize himself.

“I don’t even know if I like you man.” Who he's been. Who he is now . Still not knowing who he is or what direction he’s going. Getting lost in the other world was how he started finding himself. He almost feels like a brand new person. Almost.

His partner senses his falling mood. Kunemon crawls onto his back, softly chittering his concerns. 

"I'm fine. Just a lot on my mind," he says in a dour voice.

"Kew!"

"Yeah, I lov-"

Suddenly it starts to make sense. The small twitch in the corner of his lips turning into a full blown smile. Ryo laughs and scratches at Kunemon’s head. 

"I love you too buddy."

He catches his reflection in the mirror; there's a bright smile and joyous laughter. He shakes his head and flicks his grinning reflection on the forehead, the mirror making a clinking sound. 

“Whatever.”

He walks away, still smiling.