Archive of Our Own ^beta

Gary is doing fine, actually. Great, in fact. You could say fantastic, if you were being generous. Sometimes he goes whole days without once thinking that it would be nice if he wasn’t on this Earth anymore.

Some people call him reckless, but he has never understood that word. What is a reck, and where did he lose it? He asked Steve once, because he’s the smart one, but he didn’t know.

“I think you’ve lost a few things from that head of yours.” Steve suggests, rapping his knuckles on the side of Gary’s head.

“Piss off.” Gary bats him away with a swipe at his bangs. The last thing Steve ever wants is for anyone to realise that his hairline is already receding. 

A lot of people tell Gary he has a screw loose. He’s tried tightening them, honest, but he has realised that that would involve not drinking. And he likes drinking, all his mates do. Well, not Oliver, especially the morning after when he’s lying on the air mattress on Gary’s bedroom floor, groaning with a hangover. 

Gary doesn’t get hangovers. He had one once and decided, fuck that. A shot of vodka clears it right up. Steve is the only one also willing to do that. Pete doesn’t like vodka, says it burns his throat. Andy says drinking alcohol in the morning means you have a problem, and Oliver is usually too busy vomiting at this point to want Gary anywhere near him.

It’s not just the heavy drinking that makes people call him reckless, though. Gary walks out in front of cars, because it’s far enough away that he can probably make it across the road before it hits him. He climbs buildings, trees, and construction sites. He throws himself into fights with guys twice his size and just hopes he’ll make it out okay.

It’s usually Shane Hawkins. That prick has some kind of problem with little Pete. Although Pete isn’t Gary’s kind of guy, he’s good for a laugh and has a pool, so they keep him around. This means tussling with Shane at least once a week. Gary gets a lot of black eyes. 

“You twat, he could have knocked you out.” Steve chides, holding an ice pack to Gary’s eye. “And for what?”

“For Pete, obviously.” Gary hisses and tries to push Steve away. 

“Shane isn’t going to stop fucking with Pete just because you twatted him.” Steve mutters.

“Yeah, but it’s the principle isn’t it? No one else fucks with Pete anymore because they know if they do, they fuck with me.” Gary straightens his back. He takes great pride in being a good friend. “No one fucks with my friends, or they get a taste of the King.”

“There’s a few girls over there that would like a taste of the King.” Oliver nods to the marmalade sandwich, who are waving at them from across the yard. 

“Alright, Ladies?” Gary grins and waves back.

“Stop it, Becky Salts is dating Jason Harper. He’ll have your testicles for Christmas decorations if you’re not careful.” Pete whispers.

“I could take him.” Gary says. “For her, I’d take more than him.”

“You’ve got a death wish.” Andy laughs.

A death wish. Is that what Gary has? Does he wish for death? Sometimes when he’s alone in his room at night, only light of the moon outside, he thinks, maybe. Maybe it would be nice to just not exist anymore. Who would miss him? Not his dad, certainly. He fucked off years ago. Mum would have less financial problems without him eating her out of house and home. 

But the boys. His boys, Gary’s gang. He couldn’t do it to them. Not in a million years could he let them down. Even when he’s at his lowest, they’re there for him. Andy and Steve and Ollie and Pete. They have his back, and he has theirs. Even if his solutions can be stupid.

“Your stomach sounds like a balrog.” Pete says to Ollie when they’re sitting under a tree in the park.

“A what?” Steve asks. He isn’t really into nerd stuff.

“I didn’t eat breakfast. Or lunch.” Ollie shrugs. “No food in the house, again.”

“What does Sam eat, then?” Gary asks. He likes Ollie’s sister, she’s hot. 

“She’s got her own job and her own money.” 

“I thought you had a job.” Pete says.

“I’m investing all of that.” Ollie says dismissively. “But yeah. I didn’t eat today.”

“Well, hold on. This is an apple tree.” Gary hops up and looks up into the branches. “Yeah, I can see apples up there. Bear with.”

“Gary, don’t.” Andy says, but Gary is already climbing the tree.

It isn’t hard. He’s very good at climbing trees, has been since he was a kid. His mum said that she never tried to help him, but never tried to stop him either. She knew once he fell once, he’d learn his lesson.

Well, he never fell, and he never learned whatever lesson she was talking about, but he got very good at climbing. 

“Gary, man, I have money. We can just go to the shop.” Steve shouts after him.

“No, you don’t have to do that.” Ollie insists.

“And let him do this instead?” Steve gestures to Gary, who is halfway up the tree.

“Well, it’s funny, isn’t it?” Ollie says.

Gary hauls himself up, branch by branch, until he’s at the same height as the apples. He sits on one of the nearby branches - not an especially sturdy one but it holds his weight for now, and starts picking apples off of it. He tosses them down to the boys. Ollie first, then Andy, then Steve, then Pete.

“How many do you want?” He shouts as he picks off a fifth and shoves it into his coat pocket.

“One’s alright!” Ollie calls as he bites into his apple. “Mm, thank you!”

“Peter? You want another one?” Gary asks.

“No, I’m okay.” Pete shouts.

“Alright, I’ll-” Gary begins, but the branch starts to creak under him. He looks back and sees it coming away from the trunk, splintering as it breaks. Shit. Not as sturdy as he thought.

For some reason, Gary doesn’t panic. Carefully, he shuffles back towards the trunk while his boys yell at him from below. He grabs a branch above him, and hauls himself up just as the branch breaks out from under him and goes crashing to the ground.

“Shit.” Gary swings himself back to the trunk and starts clambering down. 

“Fucking hell, Gary!” Andy yells. “You could have killed yourself!”

“Yeah, well.” Gary says as he hits the ground and brushes himself off. “I’m alright, you’re all alright, nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah, we’re alright.” Pete says breathily clinging to Ollie’s arm as they both stare at the broken branch in horror. 

“Could have bloody killed all of us.” Steve mutters.

“But I didn’t!” Gary insists. “Come on, if you’ve got money, you can buy us lunch.”

“You already owe me forty quid.” Steve remarks.

“All in good time, my good friend.” Gary wanders off in the direction of the corner shop just outside the park. “Come on, dickheads, I’m starving.”

“He’s insane. He’s got a death wish.” Steve says. Andy just shrugs and starts to follow him.

“As long as he doesn’t get any of us killed.” Ollie shrugs, then drags Peter along with him.

After a moment of staring at the branch and wondering if Gary is all there in the head, Steve goes too.

“Gary.” Steve asks one day, a few weeks later.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out.” Gary says.

They’re in Steve’s room, reading comics on his bed. The others aren’t around. Andy is at a competition with his rugby team, Pete is on some fancy expensive holiday with his dad, and Ollie is grounded, again. Sam said he’s fine, but he misses them all during his weekend of isolation. 

Steve likes Sam. She’s pretty.

“Are you okay?” Steve asks, putting his Batman comic down.

“”Course I am.” Gary laughs. “I’m here, with my best bud, reading comics and eating pizza.” He picks up a slice of pizza and takes a bite, as if to prove a point.

“I thought Andy was your best friend.” Steve says.

“I can have two. Free love, or whatever.” Gary grins at him. “In fact, I reckon I have four best friends.”

“Sure.” Steve realises that Gary is trying to distract him. “But I don’t mean right this second. I mean in general. Are you doing alright?”

“Well, my grades are shit but that’s not news. I don’t need an o-level to have fun.” Gary rolls over onto his back. “My life goal is to have a great time. I don’t need money, I just need to live, y’know?”

“Right.” Steve has been thinking about that. Gary seems to be under the impression that he doesn’t need a job, ever. But someone has to earn money to keep him alive, and his mum won’t let him live here forever. Maybe he’ll start dealing drugs for the Reverend Green. Steve, meanwhile, plans to go into construction. It’s what his dad and his brothers did, so he has a way in. “Sometimes you worry me.”

“Don’t be worried about little old me. I’m doing great. When have you ever seen me not having a good time?” Gary asks.

It’s a good point. Gary is always the centre of something. Some party, some scheme, some fight, some girl. Even when he gets rejected, which isn’t often, it doesn’t bring him down. He picks himself up and he carries on, positive as ever, like nothing ever happened. Even when he falls out with one of the gang, he carries on. He does fine. Good old Gary, always smiling.

But everyone gets sad. It’s normal. Gary’s sadness seems to come out abnormally. If he gets a bad grade, he gets pissed and passes out in a park, where anyone could hurt him. If a girl turns him down, he doesn’t look both ways before crossing a road. Just yesterday, Andy had to grab him before he got mowed down by a bus. He climbs unsafe structures, he takes too many drugs, he jumps into lakes with his coat and boots still on.

Gary is a law unto himself. He’s dangerous. There’s something wrong with him, but Steve doesn’t have the words to describe it. Is it ignorance, is it malice? Or is it a total disregard for himself?

He never tries to hurt other people, Steve has noticed, unless that person has hurt someone he cares about first. Shane, for example. Gary does his best to kick the shit out of Shane any time he fucks with Peter. If Gary gets his arse kicked in the process, well, he doesn’t care. 

If someone else gets hurt in the course of Gary’s actions, he doesn’t apologise. Should he? He never does it on purpose.

Steve is thinking himself in circles, so he says, “I love you, you know.”

Gary snorts. “Gay.”

“I mean.” Steve sighs. “I mean I care about you, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I never get hurt. Skin like stone, me.”

“Is that why you keep doing dumb shit? You think you're invincible.”

“First of all, I don’t do dumb shit, I do fun shit.” Gary holds up his fingers to show what point he’s on. “Secondly, I never get hurt. Not properly.”

“But you do stuff that could get you killed.”

“Well, life is long and then you die. Long lives are boring. You get old and decrepit. I want to die at thirty five having had fun my whole life.”

“Don’t die at thirty five.” Steve says. That’s less than twenty years away. “Being old won’t  be that bad, if we’re all there together.”

“Oh, yeah. Me, you, and the lads in the nursing home. Drinking tea and watching Deal or No Deal.” Gary rolls his eyes. “Sounds like great fun.”

“There might be hot nurses.” Steve suggests.

“There might be hot nurses.” Gary repeats, considering it. “You make an excellent point.” 

They sit in silence for a while, Gary reading while Steve just stares at him. Gary looks so young, so full of life, and yet so… not. He looks tired, bags under his eyes. Like he has lived a thousand lives before he had the chance to live one.

“Don’t kill yourself, Gary.” Steve says quietly. “Don’t die on purpose.”

Gary doesn’t look at him. “No promises.”

“Sure.” Steve says, trying not to get hysterical. “But, y'know. Stick around to see if the marmalade sandwich is still hot when they’re old.”

Gary laughs. “Is that all you’ve got for me?”

“I didn’t think you’d care about anything else.” 

Well.” Gary shrugs. “You’ll think of something.”