Chapter Text
It was odd.
Time seemed to slow.
Nothing made sense, the world that spun before his very eyes. How could this have possibly happened?
It wasn't until Anari wraps her arms around him, mumbling heartfelt apologies as she stares with her wide caring eyes.
Ness feels all the warmth drain from his body, replaced by a sickening feeling of dread. His skin crawls, itching unnaturally. Anari's hug does nothing to help, in fact, it makes it worse. When her soft words finally sink in to Ness, he shudders, his nerves feeling like they were plunged into the depths of the sea. A coldness overtakes him, crawling and leeching under his skin, a parasite that has been planted and refuses to leave.
Oddly, it isn't the first time Ness has heard 'Kaiser' and 'suicide' in the same sentence. Occasionally, on soft nights in Germany, snow falling from the sky in puffs of white. Enveloped in layers of snow, the city slowly going to rest as it got later into the night, Kaiser would open up. Like a flower spreading it's petals he would speak softly, words streaming out into a conversation that would leave Ness wide and teary eyed. On those cold nights Kaiser spoke of his childhood, of his feelings as a child, the dirty worn soccer ball which meant so much to him.
He would speak about his father, face twisting into a dark snarl as he would describe to Ness the things he would do to him. Ness would hold back sobs at Kaiser's words, earning a subtle glare for each sniffle he let out. "Just thinking about him makes me want to die." Kaiser would spit out harshly, fingers curling into tight fists. "Every now and then, the feeling returns. My father left a scar on me I can never heal.
I can heal, Ness would think to himself, nervously chewing his bottom lip. His fingertips tingled, probably warming from the cold weathers outside, but Ness liked to think it was magic thrumming under his skin.
Those snowy nights in Germany were few. But when they did happen, Kaiser calling Ness in the dead of night, voice hoarse. Ness would drop everything he was doing, rush to Kaiser's aid before it was to late.
Of course, Ness has never caught Kaiser attempting. But he worried, if he was to late, he might...
Kaiser and Ness, Ness and Kaiser. He would sit and talk for hours, Ness listening patiently, nodding along when Kaiser took a breath. "Such an odd feeling, wanting to die." He spoke gruffly, face twisted with annoyance.
"It's not odd." Ness said quietly, placing a hand on Kaiser's forearm. His fingers were cold from the snow outside, yet Kaiser's skin seemed even colder. "It's perfectly fine to feel this way. You've been through so much, mein liebling." His voice was a little watery, and Kaiser gave him a look, but Ness didn't mind.
They sat together, in the darkness of Kaiser's expensive apartment, watching the snow fall in thick white clumps. The city outside was cold, but with them together, everything felt a little warmer.
As snow continued to fall Ness idly traced patterns on Kaiser's chest, Kaiser staring up at the ceiling.
They wouldn't speak, the weight of each other's presences already speaking loud enough. Warmth radiated off Ness in waves, clashing with the always coolness of Kaiser's body. Yet there was a space they found in between, not one cold like the falling snow outside Kaiser's apartment, not like the warmth that started at Ness' fingertips and heated him like a live furnace. A lukewarm in between, perfectly in the middle.
And now, Ness realized, the words seeping into his skin and crawling down his spine. Kaiser was at the risk of being gone. Yes, they had their ups and downs, plenty of fights, in which Kaiser was always right in the end, even if Ness thought otherwise. Still, hearing Anari tell him he wasn't alright made him swallow thickly. He couldn't cry here, not in front of Ego and Anari. He had to leave. The sinking feeling spread throughout his body, dragging him down further into the depths of despair. An ocean of coldness, except this time, the comfort of Kaiser's strong arms around him was nowhere near.
After Anari spoke to him softly, whispering that Kaiser was still alive- and if he wanted to see him at all, that would be no problem. "You can take today's training off." she said, giving Ness a pitying look.
Ness nods numbly, trying to hide his shaking fingers. As he turns to leave Ego's office, Ego muttering about what he's going to do with Kaiser's absence- and that it should be relatively no matter, they still had Isagi. Isagi. Ness thought bitterly, stepping out of the office. The name sloshes around in his rather empty thoughts, still overwhelmed and rattled by the idea of Kaiser being in any sort of pain. Isagi, Isagi, Isagi. Because as long as they had him, everything should be fine. Or that's what, at least, Ness knew Ego thought.
He finds a secluded corner of the Blue Lock building, and just in time, for his eyes grow watery and his lips begin to tremble. Ness sits against the far wall, huddled in on himself as choked sobs leave him. His skin crawls with uneasiness. It was a numb and sickening feeling, tears continuing to roll down his cheeks.
Because with Kaiser so far away, without Kaiser at all, who is he? what is he for? Ness' mind begins to wonder, swirling dark thoughts like parasites under his skin writhing and squirming as they selfishly attempt to suck every drop of magic out of him. For the most part it works, leaving his thoughts a swirling empty husk of what they once were. He sniffles and wipes tears from his reddening eyes, looking up numbly to see who the footsteps coming towards him could possibly be.
A selfish unrealistic part of him hopes it will be Kaiser, giving him a signature knowing look and a scoff at seeing the state Ness was in. 'Crying? All for me? That's pathetic.' he might purr, tilting Ness' chin up.
All though that day delusion shatters when Isagi pokes his head around the corner, blue eyes wide.
Ness scowls at the sight of Isagi's face, watching him cautiously approach Ness like trying to comfort a wounded animal. "Hey." He said softly, shoulders relaxing when Ness didn't automatically jump out at him. "You weren't at morning training today..." Isagi slowly sits down beside Ness, their shoulders brushing. He flinches and attempts to jerk away, but Isagi stops him and pulls him closer. "What happened?" He whispers, eyes flicking to the hallways that leads up to Ego's office. Ness swallows thickly, mumbling something about how he doesn't want to share. Isagi sighs and nods, leaning back and giving Ness a breath. "If you don't want to talk right now, that's fine. But tell me soon? please?" he leans in closer again, blue eyes searching his.
Ness scowls at Isagi, wrinkling his nose in annoyance. "What are you even doing here?"
"Water break." Isagi says coolly, his tone of voice telling Ness that his so called break should be very much over right about now. Yet he chooses to hang out with you. Would Kaiser do something like that? A shivering voice whispers in the back of his head. And suddenly the parasites are back, leaching onto his skin with their hissing whispers and sticky movements. Ness feels suck, helpless, drowning in a pool of his own self worth, grief and anxiety consuming him whole.
He wanted to lash out, to turn his sorrows on Isagi and force him to drown as well. To struggle until neither could breath, their lungs filled with nothing more but the depths of the sea.
What Ness didn't know, is that Isagi was very much willing to dive into the cold waters along side him.
They huddled together in silence. Isagi's arms are wrapped around Ness, stroking his back lightly. Ness blinks away the last of his tears, dully tracing the stains they leave on Isagi's training gear. Isagi doesn't seem to mind, let alone notice. He stares down the long hallways, checking in on Ness every so often to make sure he's no longer crying.
the silence is weighing, the pain in his chest still aching lightly. How Ness would give anything in his poor puppy heart to make sure Kaiser was okay, to heal the wounds inside only he could see. A wave of guilt washes over him, for while Kaiser is suffering alone in a probably cold hospital room Ness is curled up into Isagi's side, head on his chest. Though the feeling slowly washed out when Isagi pat his hair, fingers splayed out along the roots.
If Ness had a tail, it would be wagging vigorously. He sighs, lashes fluttering against his cheek as he closes his eyes. Ness doesn't say much after that, and neither does Isagi.
They sit together, at the end of the hallway, in comfortable silence.
But his ache softens with Isagi by his side, and as reluctant Ness is...
He wishes it was Isagi there with him on those cold German nights.