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Chapter Text

Severus stared down at the parchment in his trembling hand, his heart pounding in his chest as the words seemed to blur and twist before his exhausted eyes. It had to be a mistake. The last couple of sleepless nights catching up to him, nothing more. There was no other explanation. Severus Snape just didn’t get a Dreadful on an essay.

He steeled himself, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes for a moment, as he fought back the rising panic in his chest. After a long, painful pause, he risked one more glance.

The mark was still there at the top of the paper, big and easy to read in the sweeping handwriting of Wilbert Slinkhard. Much smaller but still standing out in bold red on the otherwise pale paper was a sentence at the bottom, letting him know the teacher's doors were always open to him if he needed assistance or further explanation of a lesson.

It stung.

Stung in the familiar way which made his chest tighten and formed a suffocating knot of shame in his gut. He was a failure. A disgrace to the house of Slytherin. No one could ever be allowed to see this and learn of his failure. If he only buried it - somewhere dark where it wouldn’t surface until the day he died - no one would ever have to know. It would be like it had never happened in the first place.

Severus Snape would not have gotten a failing grade in Defense Against the Dark Arts, his second-best subject after Potions.

Especially since, judging by all the red ink on the parchment, it seemed as though he had barely avoided receiving a Troll. And that was only because he had turned something in at all. In fact, the only person in their year to have earned a Troll on an assignment so far was Xenophilius Lovegood, who had written about some fictitious creatures claimed to have seen in the Forbidden Forest, instead of the Boggart the teacher had asked for.

Fuck.

Severus had to blink away the tears, unwilling to show any weakness others could exploit, his hair falling into his face hiding it from view. This was his first failing grade during his whole time at Hogwarts. It never happened before, not even when he hadn’t known he could go to the infirmary while sick and had shown up to a test out of his mind with a fever, nearly throwing up on the paper.

But even then he had still managed an Acceptable. 

He had allowed himself nothing less – he didn't have a choice. Not if he wanted a life that was anything but his father’s, far away from the filth of Spinner’s End. He had no money, no connection, no easy way to success. All he got was his mind – his ticket to a better life. But with grades like this during his OWL year, no one would recognize his potential. 

Every employer would laugh at him if his results weren’t perfect, especially given his lack of other qualities like good looks or charm. Forget securing a position as an apothecary apprentice—he had long since given up on pursuing a Potions mastery, knowing he lacked the necessary support. At best, he’d be allowed to wash the cauldrons.

“Hey, Snivellus, what’ve you got there?” Black’s cursed voice was way too close for comfort, and Severus suppressed a flinch – his body naturally reacting after years of taunts, shoves, and other humiliations. Never show weakness in front of others – that was the mantra that defined his life ever since he entered Hogwarts and was confronted by his classmates’ cruelty.

He spun to face Black, unwilling to leave his back exposed to a hex with no way to defend himself, all while clutching the cursed parchment tightly behind his back to make sure Black wouldn’t be able to see.

It was futile, as Black wasn’t man enough to face him alone, always needing someone else at his side before daring to attack. It was pathetic – it made Severus wish he had someone on his side as well, to defend him and protect his blind spots. 

A hand shoved Severus forward roughly, making him stumble and lose his grip on the parchment, which was quickly snatched away. He caught himself at the edge of a desk, a painful jolt racing up his arm, he ignored it in favor of positioning himself to face the new thread, all while keeping Black in his field of vision.

“Let’s see what you're hiding, Snivy. Oh my, a Dreadful? Seems like someone hasn’t been paying attention in class. Tsk, tsk what a sloppy attitude.” Potter’s voice rang out, followed by loud laughter through the whole classroom. No one stepped in, no one tried to help, not even Severus’ housemates. But why would they? It wasn’t as if he had political power or wealth to offer. To them, he was nothing more than a passing joke – a target for amusement during their school days, destined to be forgotten in a sea of nobodies and unremarkable achievements.

"Give it back." He pressed out between gritted teeth, his composure already slipping, emotions running high from the shock of the bad grade itself. Fear filled him as he could hear how shaken his voice was, just like everyone else in the room – it was a perfect opening to attack. Something he couldn’t allow himself as he already was targeted constantly.

Especially since the Marauders made it clear they had no problem trembling over Severus and causing the bad grade in the first place. Only to make fun of him on top of it. Wasn’t it enough, that they were running all chances he had for the future? No, Potter’s great ego wouldn’t be satisfied then, just like Black’s sadistic streak – they had to rub it in to get the most enjoyment of Severus’ misery.

Why? What had Severus ever done to deserve this? Was it because he was sorted into Slytherin and had openly defended his choice in the train during his first year? Was it so wrong to want to be in the same house as his mother? Or maybe it was more personal. His friendship with Lily had always irked Potter, as he stood in the boy’s way to winning the girl's heart. As if he had any control over who she dated, especially when Potter’s childish behavior over the years had already guaranteed she wasn’t interested.

Not that any of it mattered as he and Lily were long through – she hadn’t exchanged a single word with him since the end of last year when they boarded the Hogwarts Express to return home. And then she had only let him know that she would prefer if he didn’t come near her home this summer.

Despite that, the Marauders kept targeting him, making it impossible to stay on top of his academic pursuits. They attacked him whenever he wasn’t in class or outside the common room, as they couldn’t reach him there. Their uncanny ability to find him when he was most vulnerable made him wonder if they had some sort of spell tracking him—but after checking, he had found nothing.

How could Severus get his work done, when he was constantly attacked? He hadn’t seen the library in two weeks, despite his love for research and books. He just couldn’t deal with being hexed before even reaching the protection of Pince’s domain.

Instead, he was left with the often too–loud common room, a poor substitute for the peace and quiet he needed. Even when relatively safe, he had to make do without the research materials that his peers had at their disposal without trips to the library, further hindering his progress.

He would have still managed to scrape by with a passing grade under these conditions – he was smart enough for that. But this morning, the Marauders had caught him after breakfast and drenched him from head to toe. The charms he had placed on his cheap bag had failed under the relentless onslaught of the past weeks, and everything inside had become soaked. His essay was ruined, along with his notes, leaving him barely any time to rewrite it before class started.

What hurt even more was all the supplies that had been destroyed and couldn’t easily be replaced with his lack of funds. Parchment was expensive compared to muggle paper, but he had no choice since the school only allowed parchment for essays and exams. Add to that, his Charms book had been so thoroughly soaked that no drying spell had been able to save it. He already threaded his next class, as he would be in serious trouble for s showing up unprepared. Something he would have to keep doing until he scrapped together the money to get a replacement. He could try to explain the situation, but why waste the energy? It wasn’t as if a teacher had ever listened to him and tried to help. They all saw him as the ‘difficult Snape boy,’ nothing more.

“Oh, poor Snivellus,” Potter said in a condescending tone, enjoying that he had gotten a rise out of Severus. “What if I don’t give it back? Will you cry?” He then winked at Pettigrew, who burst into laughter, the sound grating on Severus' ears like nails on a chalkboard. He didn’t know what it was – this situation didn’t feel any different from all the other humiliations he had endured over the years. Maybe it was just the accumulation of it all, the final drop in an ocean of pain. But whatever it was, something inside him snapped.

"CONFRINGO!" 

The spell shot out from Severus’ wand before he even fully registered what he was doing. It didn’t matter that it was a sixth-year spell, far beyond what he should have been able to perform: he’d spent enough time pouring over advanced spellbooks, honing his skills in secret, to have at least a chance at defending himself. His only choice since he was always outnumbered. He’d spent countless hours in an abandoned classroom on the third floor, practicing spells in the dead of night, until they were etched into his muscles. Not even the emotional turmoil of the moment, nor the unrefined wand movement, could stop the spell from hitting its mark.

Potter was lucky that Severus still had enough control left to avoid hitting him directly, sparing him a trip to the hospital wing – or worse, St. Mungo's. The desk next to Potter, however, was not so fortunate. The moment the spell struck, it exploded in a violent burst of splintering wood, sending shards flying in all directions. A shockwave rippled through the room, causing Potter to stumble backward, his face contorted in shock as he let out a panicked scream. Chaos erupted around them. Students who had been too close to the blast were knocked off their feet, screamed in terror, or scrambled for cover. The classroom was plunged into utter mayhem, the walls ringing with the sound of panic as the debris settled.

Severus himself would have been caught in the blast if he hadn’t instinctively cast a silent Protego, the shimmering shield blocking the worst of the debris. He stepped forward, his worn boots crunching over broken wood, until he stood over Potter, who was sprawled on the ground, his wide, panicked eyes locked on Severus. The Marauder’s wand was nowhere in sight, lost amidst the chaos. It would have been the perfect moment to humiliate him. A chance to crush Potter’s smug arrogance, to finally make him feel like Severus did under his daily attacks – powerless, humiliated, small.

Instead, Severus stared down at Potter, his breath coming in quick, shallow bursts. It was tempting, but he knew that crossing this line would make him just like them – no better than the blood purists they accused him of being.

Severus snatched the parchment, which caused his lack of control, and ran. Ran like he hadn’t in years. This was not his controlled speed-walking, not a slight jog, but full-speed running – fleeing from the room as fast as possible. He didn’t pay much attention to where he was going, as long as it wasn’t somewhere where he could be easily found. 

So not the Slytherin common room, as his classmates would easily rat him out since his stunt would cost them a significant number of house points once a teacher found out.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. All this time, he had endured the Marauders' teasing and bullying, only defending himself to a point where he could avoid being prosecuted by the teachers, who so clearly favored the Gryffindors and were always waiting for a snake to mess up. Only to lose control in a room full of witnesses and use an offensive spell that was forbidden outside of class.

It wouldn’t matter that he had aimed for the desk and no one had been hurt. The moment a teacher found out, it would all be Severus’ fault. It always was. He had learned that during his first year when he got detention for a month despite having a broken arm and Black only a bloody nose.

Even when they ganged up on him three to one – he didn’t count Lupin, as the boy never did anything but stand there and watch – he only defended himself, yet all it took was the golden Gryffindors running to a teacher to complain, and he was the one losing points and getting detention for 'aggressive behavior.

At the start, he had complained and fought against the injustice, but he had realized no one listened. Slytherins were evil, destined to turn dark, and their Head of house who should be on their side only cared for those with political influence. So he had learned to hold back, to only defend himself in a way that no one could hold against him, even if it meant he had to go to the medical wing regularly.

And now it was over. He'd be lucky if all he got was detention for the rest of the year, and if he only drove their house points to zero. But with his luck, he’d probably be kicked out of Hogwarts entirely. Although would it even matter if he was? Hogwarts had turned out to be far from the magical place he had always imagined it to be, where he could be safe. 

It wouldn’t matter if he was pushed around at home by his father or here by the other students; he was bruised just the same. And since his grades wouldn’t get him a good job in the magical world, he should start looking for a Muggle job right now – get an early start on a future that would follow the same path as his father's.

He finally came to a stop when the ache in his site became too much and his lungs burned, cursing himself for not exercising more. No matter how much people would laugh at seeing him run around the Quidditch pitch, more stamina would have come in handy now. 

At least he had managed to make it to the edge of the Forbidden Forest – a place avoided by most students since it was forbidden. Also, quite dangerous with the creatures and plants, many of which could easily injure or even maim an unsuspecting student who wandered too close. It wouldn’t be a place someone sought out willingly if you weren’t a poor Slytherin unable to purchase your potion ingredients the normal way. The wide ecosystem allowed a wide array of materials plant and animal-based, needed for Potions class or more ambitious experimentation in your own time.

Severus didn’t have the luxury of avoiding such a resource just because of some danger, especially since he needed a vast amount of potions to deal with the Marauders’ aftermath – bruise salve and disinfectants to treat hex burns, calming drafts to steady his frayed nerves, and occasionally even blood-replenishing potions when their attacks became particularly brutal. All things he could have gotten from the school nurse if she hadn’t tried to help and gotten him in trouble when informing teachers about his predicament.

 No, it was better to use his own supplies and even allowed him to make some money for necessities by selling some potions to students in his house – Wit-Sharpening Potions especially were fetching a good price during exam season.

This meant Severus had gotten good at navigating the dark woods in search of ingredients while avoiding the more hostile inhabitants. He knew that so close to the edge, with the castle still in view through the leaves he would be safe, yet well hidden. If anyone wanted to punish him or the Marauders wanted revenge, they would have to find him first. 

Sliding down a tree until he was sitting on the wet ground, he was glad for the warm weather of early autumn, as being outside was not yet the hardship it would be during winter. He could just close his eyes and breathe, calm down. 

In the distance, the gong announced the start of the next lesson, one Severus would not be at. Professor Flitwick would be disappointed in him for skipping, but what did it matter now? Severus was already in trouble, so the small offense wouldn’t make any difference anymore, and this way he could at least avoid the embarrassment of showing up to class without a book. Something he had not looked forward to since no one would have been willing to share theirs with him, leading to much awkwardness.

Opening his threadbare satchel, Severus was once more reminded that he really should recast all the protection to avoid an incident like this morning. He just didn’t have the energy – it all seemed so pointless now. Shoving in the essay he still held in his balled fist, now crumpled to near illegibility, Severus couldn’t stop the tears that slipped down his face.

But it was okay, there was no one to see them. It wasn’t vulnerability if there was no one to take advantage of it. Weakness itself was just a construct, a weapon crafted by others to wound.

His shoulders trembled violently, his breath hitching in ragged, uneven gasps as he let out a broken, desperate sob. It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. If only he were someone else – anyone else – but not Severus Snape. Then maybe life wouldn’t be this endless cycle of misery. He wouldn’t be the poor half-blood embarrassment of Slytherin, the constant target of the Marauders’ cruelty. He could walk through the halls without flinching at every shadow, go to the library without fearing an ambush, do his work without the threat of it being ripped apart. He could carry his books without dreading the moment they were hexed to shreds. He could excel in class without being accused of cheating, without the whispers labeling him a dark wizard who couldn’t achieve anything on his own. He could have been happy. If only he weren’t Severus Snape.

He longed to experience it, just for a day, what life could be like, if he was accepted and maybe even liked. 

He was pathetic.

Pulling out his potion book, dog-eared, edges smeared by the water, but still readable enough, he dove into the words, trying to blend everything else out and forget about his misery for just a few hours. It was not as if anyone would miss him.

Only when he could barely make out the words on the page anymore did he resurface, darkness surrounding him, with the castle now standing as a beacon in the night. His stomach ached, a sharp reminder that he had missed lunch and dinner, compounded by the lack of breakfast after being drenched with water and fleeing to the dorms. He should head back before curfew, but the thought of facing a room full of snakes – each more than willing to strike at his turned back – was more than he could stomach.

No, sleeping outside under the stars sounded way better than facing his schoolmates. At least that was what he told himself. In reality, the evening cold bit through his robes, the last traces of summer warmth long gone. His body, drained of energy, refused to fight against the chill, leaving his fingers stiff and his teeth clenching on their own. Every sharp gust of wind sent another wave of shivers crawling down his spine.

Still, it was better than humiliation. Better than another fight. He would just have to endure it. If he got up early enough, he could sneak inside before anyone woke, change into fresh clothes, and grab something – anything – to eat.

His plan was interrupted by hearing his name called from a distance, the sound growing steadily closer. At first, he curled deeper against the tree, willing the shadows to swallow him. But then he recognized the posh accent, which always seemed to carry a hint of condescension, no matter the words.

Black. 

Regulus, that was, not Sirius. If it was Severus’ most hated Gryffindor he would have already sent a curse the other’s way, but Regulus wasn’t too bad. Despite his pureblood upbringing, he wasn’t hateful towards Severus’ blood status like his other dorm mates. He wasn’t stupid, nor did he try to take advantage of Severus’ superior potion skills. Of all Snape’s housemates, Regulus Black was by far the most tolerable, despite being a year younger than him.

He was quiet, didn’t have many friends – if any, considering how often he was with Severus – and didn’t stand out as particularly special, even as he was the heir to an ancient noble house. 

Instead, he had a sarcastic sense of humor that meshed well with Severus' own, and unlike the other younger students, he wasn’t afraid of him. If he wanted something from Severus, he was upfront about it and offered something in return. All in all, one could probably say that Regulus was Severus' only friend now that Lily had cut ties with him, even if their friendship mostly consisted of sitting together in silence, each lost in their thoughts, barely acknowledging the other.

So, Regulus coming here to find Severus was out of character. They had an unspoken agreement to ignore each other’s problems – helping could jeopardize their social standing. Both were already low on the food chain. Severus with being a half-blood and Regulus with the blunder that was his brother falling in with the Gryffindors.

“Snape, for Merlin’s sake, I know you are here. Stop sulking like an overgrown bat and come out.” And this right here was why Severus endured the other’s presence most days. No one would believe the foul mouth of the posh Black heir, and it was funny to see him lose his temper, proving his carefully constructed facade wrong.

So Severus could stand the other, that didn’t mean he would be nice, that just wasn’t him, so he felt no remorse when he stepped out of the bush right behind the other and spoke close to the other’s ear. “Or what?”

His dramatic entrance nearly crumbled as the world tilted dangerously, and his stomach clenched painfully, his limbs unsteady as hunger gnawed at his insides. He should have known better. Stupid. Just because food was always available at Hogwarts didn’t mean he could forget the painful lessons he had learned during his childhood.

If he wasn’t careful, one day he’d crack his skull open because he got up too quickly – and no one would bat an eye. They’d just be relieved to be rid of him.

“Flying fucks!” Regulus cried out spinning around, wand falling from his fingers the Lumos that had spread some light extinguishing leaving them in near darkness. 

“Was that necessary? This is why you don’t have any friends! They all died of heart attacks. Here I was trying to be nice bringing you back inside like one would a moody cat and that is the thanks I get?” The words were sharp but did lack any real bite. It was a contradiction, just as Regulus himself. He claimed Snape had no friends, and yet here he was, going out of his way to haul him back inside in a way only someone who cared might.

“I’m not a cat. And I would rather avoid the common room for now. So run along now before you end up outside after curfew.” Severus made a shushing motion.

A sight, wary and very dramatic as Regulus, ignored Severus’ attempts to get rid of him and picked up his wand to recast Lumos so they could see each other. 

Severus instinctively stiffened as the light washed over him, well aware of the sorry state he was in after hours spent on the dirty ground. The common Gryffindor might not mind some dirt and the occasional grass stain on their robes, but Slytherin held themselves to higher standards.

He clenched his jaw, bracing for a remark. Regulus was always immaculate and never hesitated to point out when someone looked disheveled – especially if it was due to carelessness. When it was beyond one’s control, he was slightly more forgiving, though that hadn’t stopped him from replacing most of Severus’ robes with his own castoffs over the years. Severus’ original ones had been burned, dismissed as “too shameful to represent the House of Slytherin.” Not that he minded he had not worn them because he liked showing off the patches and holes, but out of necessity. 

Severus had, however, drawn a line at the rest of his wardrobe. Accepting replacement robes was one thing – practical, even, considering how often his own were damaged by the Marauders – but the rest of his attire remained his own. His shirts were still threadbare beneath the heavy outer layers, his trousers worn at the seams, and his shoes scuffed from years of use. But as long as the polished Slytherin robes concealed the truth, Regulus had no grounds to complain of him damaging the house's reputation.

So despite knowing what lay underneath, Regulus never pushed, only offered to lend some of his clothes during formal events like the Yule ball which would leave Severus as a laughingstock otherwise.  

Regulus flicked his wand again with a muttered spell. The dampness vanished, the mud disappeared, and Severus’ robes straightened as if freshly pressed. A typical household spell, something Severus should have thought to cast himself. Despite all his years at Hogwarts, he still got stuck in a muggle mentality, forgetting the easy solutions being a wizard offered.

“There. Now you look slightly less like a drowned rat,” Regulus said, tone light but not mocking. “Only a starved one since you missed dinner and lunch. Do you want someone to stumble over your body when you faint? The great Severus Snape, defeated by hunger like a common mongrel.”

“So what? I can manage. Plus, dinner is already over.” Severus could not manage, at least as far as the painful ache in his stomach was concerned. Not that he would ever admit to that to anyone. Not even his friend. He had experienced how friendship could turn into hate with Lily, and he didn’t want to be at a disadvantage should Regulus decide Severus was beneath him one day.

“Which is why I saved you some and brought it to the dorms. It should still be good under the charm I left it.” More proof that despite denying it when asked – claiming they were merely acquaintances or allies – Regulus was, in truth, Severus’ friend. And that despite his family training him to believe emotional attachments were useless and all that counted what you could gain from someone and to prioritize powerful alleys over everything. 

Severus had no idea how he had managed to gain such loyality, as he had done everything to keep others away even before Regulus started school. There should have been nothing between them - only one day in Severus’ third year Regulus chose to sit with him on a random Thursday and do his homework and he never left. In fact, many people had tried to make him leave, by offering better social circles or even threatening Regulus for hanging with the wrong crowd. He had never bugged.

“I-... thank you.” The words were hard, forced out, as Severus wasn’t used to receiving kindness, not without it having a hidden cache. But Regulus didn’t seem bothered, just nodded in acceptance as he understood how much weight Severus’ words held. “But I really would rather avoid the other’s ire. At least for today.” As much as Severus wanted to eat some warm food and sleep in his bed, he would rather avoid the hexes thrown at him for losing their house points. 

“Nothing is going to happen. You are not in any trouble, at least not more than usual.” Severus frowned, that didn’t sound right. “Look, I have no idea what happened. Your classmates didn’t say a single thing, even when the upper years questioned them. Whatever you did terrified them. All we know is that they told the adults you were sick and resting up in the dorms.” They covered for him? That didn’t make much sense, they had nothing to gain from lying. And even if they tried to avoid the loss of house points by covering for Severus, their lies would have been instantly discovered once the Gryffindors spoke up.

“What about the Marauders?” He questioned.

“Should have expected they were involved. They always are. They are in trouble for destroying a desk with a prank. You will be happy to know they have detention for the rest of the week. Otherwise, they have been pretty quiet during dinner.”

Severus was confused as to why they also kept quiet and even took the blame for something he did. If all Regulus said was true, he could just go to the dorm, eat something, and return to his daily routine tomorrow as if nothing had ever happened.

It was too good to be true. Would they blackmail him? Whatever the reason was, he couldn’t trust this. Still, he walked along with Regulus to the dorm, hunger, and cold finally winning out over his pride. He could always ponder things with a full stomach.

Regulus kept pestering him and Severus told him what happened after swearing him to secrecy about the matter, hoping Regulus would have some insight into the matter – his role all heir required him to have a certain insight into people and politics. But he seemed as confused by everyone's actions as Severus. It would have been the perfect opportunity to have Severus expelled, something any Slytherin would have taken to make their house more pure in blood. Even if Gryffindors were over such underhand methods, why take the blame? It was not as if Severus could cause them any harm if he was no longer in school, so there would have been no reason to be afraid. 

So it was most likely that someone would try something in the next days. It must all be part of some grand scheme.

Their conversation came to an abrupt halt when they stepped into the common room. The silence that followed was deafening, every eye turning toward them. Just great – Severus already felt like an outcast among his housemates, and now this. The students from his year were the first to recover from their shock, quickly retreating into the dorm rooms. The younger years, watching the scene unfold with wide eyes, wisely chose to leave, eager to avoid whatever drama was brewing. They knew it wasn’t worth being caught in the crossfire.

Regulus led him to a table, food left under a kitchen towel. Severus just stared at the feast in front of him. He had expected some bread and an apple, maybe a sandwich if he was lucky. 

After all, that was what was easy to grab since there was always an abundance of them, and they would not cause any issues during transportation in someone's bag. But he had thought wrong. There was a steaming bowl of stew, his cold fingers twitching just looking at it, wanting to hold it to get warm. There was bread to go with the stew, yes, but it was loaded with cuts of meat. And there was also dessert and not just any but dark chocolate cake and even a glass of juice.

Everything looked perfectly preserved, like it was still sitting on the tables in the great hall and hadn’t been smuggled out hours ago. Even more surprising was that no one had messed with the food. Leaving some bread and an apple alone after everyone had a filling meal was one thing, but cake? No, Regulus must have gone out of his way to put more than just a stasis charm to make sure no one would mess with the food until Severus arrived.

He didn’t know how he felt about that. His throat was raw, and he coughed into his sleeve trying to clear it. It gave him the perfect opportunity to blink the wetness from his eyes without anyone noticing. Whatever this was he was way too hungry and tried to deal with it so he decided to ignore his emotions for now and sat down, pulling the bowl closer, and started eating, savoring every bit. The pleasure of finally having food in his stomach was short-lived as someone stepped close, interrupting his meal. 

“Mind explaining what is going on with your classmates?” Came the sharp voice of Evan Rosier a seven-year prefect, and pureblood who stood proudly before them. With his high status, he had started picking on Severus once it was clear Severus had actual talent in contrast to him. Severus let him believe he had the upper hand, usually too exhausted by the Marauders to deal with the drama. Today, he was way too hungry to deal with the consequences of his loose tongue.

“Not really. You can go now.” He dismissed the older boy. And in another mad twist of the evening after some spluttering, Rosier did just that, turning on his heels and leaving. Severus gasped at his back, his heart shuttering at seeing the other just give up like this. Fuck, maybe he should have stood up to the boy much sooner, instead of always bowing his head and acting weak. It felt good to be the one to win for once. Even if he wasn’t sure if it hadn’t been a hallucination brought on by finally having something in his stomach.

Shoving another spoon of soup into his mouth, Severus took this as the final confirmation that something was going on. He didn’t know what yet, but he knew better than to be unprepared for it, or he wouldn’t like that outcome. 

But how does one prepare when they don’t know what to expect? Especially if one was such an easy target as Severus. That brought him back to his earlier musing of things being easier if he only wasn’t himself. 

Now stomach full, and in his dorm room after a short goodbye with Regulus, the idea seemed to have some merit. People couldn’t attack him if they didn’t know it was him. A disguise would also let him get his schoolwork done without being bothered. He would still have to be careful while walking between classes, as there was not a potion that would let him disguise for just a few minutes while he walked – and it would have to be a potion-based solution, obviously. It was after all the subject Severus had the most confidence in. But even if he had to stay hyper-vigilant between classes, being able to work in the library in peace or eat without being targeted would already pull some weight off his back. 

As for how to make it work, he would have to come up with a new kind of potion, since none he knew fit his specific need. 

Sure, there was the Polyjuice Potion, but Severus wasn’t fond of the idea of pretending to be someone else and interacting with people – it would be too easy to get caught. And if he did, the consequences would be severe, with the potion being illegal. Even worse, if he impersonated a fellow Slytherin and was caught, the slighted family could press charges, and without the funds for a lawyer, he could end up in prison – even if all he’d done was sit in the library looking like the heir of some family.

He could try to get away with modifying the Polyjuice potion to only make slight changes to himself, which would be enough to fool the Marauders but avoid the issue of fully impersonating someone. The problem was it was still the Polyjuice potion at heart, which was illegal, even if it was not a full impersonation he could still be expelled for using it on school grounds.

Making sure his curtains were drawn so no one saw what he was doing, he got out a ripped-up muggle notebook with a pen and doodled, occasionally writing down his ideas while he kept thinking. 

He could create a potion that worked similarly to a "Notice-Me-Not" charm. As an enhanced version of the Disillusionment Charm, it would be harder to break by accident during magical use. It would allow him to sit in the library undisturbed, which sounded perfect, and it wouldn’t be illegal. Severus loved to be left alone. However, there was one major flaw, like the Disillusionment Charm. It would break if someone actively sought him out. And the Marauders had proven time and again that they had an uncanny ability to sniff him out, no matter where he hid. While the potion might work for most of Hogwarts, his main problem would remain unchanged.

A similar issue arose with a potion designed to create a subtle presence. This wouldn’t make him invisible to others, but they would deem him unimportant and easily ignore him. It sounded perfect in theory, but if he needed to do anything that would draw attention – like checking out a book or engaging in conversation with someone – those close enough would easily see through the illusion.

Severus groaned ripping out the page, now filled with half-formed potion ideas and different ingredients but didn’t throw it away. It wouldn’t do if someone found it and connected it back to him. As he couldn’t reuse the paper anymore, no matter how many charms he used to clean the pages from how used they were, he would throw it into a fireplace in the morning. 

Tapping the pen against the paper, he kept thinking. 

Clearly, the best option would be to alter his physical appearance, but without using Polyjuice or other similarly banned substances. This, however, was difficult – especially since the Ministry had strict laws against people making themselves unrecognizable, no matter how innocent the reason. But Severus knew that not everything was forbidden. He had been to Lucius and Narcissa’s wedding over the summer, thanks to Regulus generously lending him clothes so he wouldn’t have to endure the event alone. It was much easier to endure the shallowness of high society when you had someone to silently judge everyone else's choices with. The event could have even been called bearable, even if Severus still felt slightly slighted that Regulus was a bit taller than him, despite being younger, and the clothes he got had to be altered to fit.

To their amusement, they had seen multiple ladies and even the odd gentleman, looking way more polished than usual. Way more than even makeup and an odd charm should be able to achieve. Asking Regulus the heir had confirmed this being a common practice in pure-blood circles where appearance was everything. So there were ways to alter one's appearance to make one prettier. Severus just had to figure out how and use that as a base, since the present ministry workers had not been bothered by the happenings.

After all, his most noticeable feature was that he was ugly. So if he made himself look prettier, changed his hair color, made his nose less hooked, or maybe adjust his eye shape, he could properly go unnoticed. It would be subtle, something that wouldn’t completely change him, but it seemed like the safest option. If someone stared at him, they might notice he looked similar, perhaps a distant relative, but if he kept his head down he doubted he would get in trouble. And even if someone found out and snitched on him, it was not illegal. He could just make the excuse that he was experimenting with his look, wanting to get a date. The gossip mill would be too busy to speculate who was the poor soul that caught his attention, to search for his true intentions.  

Now having a plan and ready to start his research, Severus finally closed the notebook, exhaustion slamming into him like a freight train. It was way too late in the morning to get a decent sleep. Once more, he had let his excitement get the better of him, forgetting about his bodily needs until his mind calmed. He would surely pay for this in the morning. But Severus couldn’t seem to mind. Now when there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel promising some relief from the constant bullying he endured. 

Chapter Text

After an expectedly short and unsatisfying nap, Severus' day was already miserable the moment he cracked open his eyes to silence the incessant buzzing of his wand. The high spirits of last night were long gone - swept away by the harsh sunlight of an early morning. Doubt crept in again, gnawing at the edges of his mind, sharpened by the fact that he could not hide in a private potion lab today. Instead, he had to face the student population of Hogwarts. A population that after yesterday's incident would be even more determined to make his life a living hell.

What had he even been thinking?

He should have endured. Like always. Kept his head down, bit his tongue, and stayed invisible. But he had lacked the self-control and had doomed himself. Years of silence, taking the blame, and holding back destructive power he could have used but never dared to in fear of expulsion, gone. Down the drain because he had snapped over something stupid like a single failed assignment.

Because that was his reality. If you were a half-blood without a prestigious name - and not a Muggle-born the headmaster doted on - you were always the one at fault.

While everyone got chance after chance, one misstep could end your entire school career.

He had to learn that early - in his first year when he still believed in equality and fairness. Back then, he had made the mistake of standing up to a group of third-year Gryffindors who mocked Slytherins for being evil and destined for Azkarban. He had shown them why it was not a good idea to mess with someone you believed to be a dark wizard - impressive spellwork for a first-year. Enough to send them running even if easily fixed by a counter jinx .

It had landed him in McGonagall’s office, facing threats of expulsion and three weeks of detention. The Gryffindors, of course, got a gentle chat from Dumbledore about the importance of house unity.

That was the day Severus stopped believing in adults.

After that, he studied the school rules like scripture, learning exactly how far he could go without crossing the line. He mastered the art of self-preservation - defending himself just enough to stay standing, but never enough to risk his future. It left him bruised more often than not, grinding his teeth with the knowledge that he could have won - if only he’d let himself fight properly.

Desperation made him ruthless - unafraid of using any means necessary as long as it couldn't be traced back to him. Everything to ensure his survival under the cruel reality he was facing at the place that should have been his salvation. Pushed into a corner he found himself turning towards the Dark Arts - not because he was power hungry, like so many before him, but because it was the only option he had.

He was what everyone had believed him to be the moment he had sorted Slytherin - dark, cold, dangerous, beyond saving- a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Not because that was what his nature was , but because they had decided for him and left him no other chance .

But now, he had not just crossed the line - but raced over it with a broomstick. And until the new potion was finished, which could take weeks, if it worked at all, he would have to live with the consequences.

He drew a slow, shaky breath, trying to get rid of the nerves clawing at his stomach. He could forget about breakfast, he would only throw it back up anyway. Skipping it would delay facing the rest of the world a little longer anyway. Maybe give him enough time to stand under scalding water for twenty minutes until his hair felt slightly less greasy, even without shampoo.

Could he make his own cleaning potion with ingredients he harvested from the forest? He was an aspiring Potions Master, of course , he could - skills had never been the issue.   It was a matter of time and materials, and he’d rather funnel both into making money for his mastery by selling potions than wasting them on himself. Besides, he had tried once - back in his third year, when he thought improving his hygiene might also improve his standing. The Marauders had watched it for only a week before they had taken it as a challenge, putting grease, slime, or worse in his hair every single day. He had stopped bothering after that accepting his fade as greasy git.

After the shower, he couldn't put off facing anyone any longer. He walked to class like a man on his way to the slaughter - shoulders stiff, stomach churning. Of course, the first class of the day had to be Potions. His favorite subject was destroyed by the class being shared with the Gryffindors.

If only Madam Pomfrey didn't have her stupid police - on the second day of feeling sick and missing class you had to come to see her or be marked as being absent without excuse. And despite the nausea coiling in his gut, the matron wouldn’t find anything wrong with him - at least not anything that would justify keeping him out of class.

Years of trying to be invisible had taught him exactly when to arrive to avoid being a target. He reached the corridor leading to the classroom at the same moment Slughorn did, using the man's bulkiness and presence as cover to slip inside the classroom - without anyone having the chance to hex him, or worse talk to him.

Only when he took his usual seat - where it was harder for the Marauders to sabotage his potion without Slughorn noticing - did he realize something was off. It was way too quiet for a bunch of teenagers getting ready for class. No excited chatter, no clicking of cauldrons, no rustle of books. Just silence.

It felt wrong. And it didn't spell anything good for Severus.

Everyone had stopped what they were doing to stare at him. In a silence and discipline, every professor could only dream of installing in their class they watched him - surveyed him .

It was so eerie, even Slughorn - usually oblivious to everything from the Marauders messing with Severus to students blatantly copying his work as long as they paid the going rate - seemed to catch on.

“Well... alright, students,” he said, hesitating more than usual. “If you could please turn to page 264 in your books. Today, we’ll be brewing the Pixidox Solution.”

Pixidox solution. Pixidox solution.

The words echoed dully in Severus’ head like they were coming from underwater.

He stared at the page but couldn’t make out the text. Couldn’t focus. The weight of all those gazes pressed down on him, hot and heavy. It made his skin crawl. Like he was being dissected with their eyes. A dirty animal. A rabid dog they expected to snap at any moment.

His hands trembled.

Nausea clouded his vision as he gave up on reading the recipe, deciding to go from memory - even if it meant missing the improvements he had noted in the margin of his own copy. Anything to get him moving. Anything to shift the attention off of him before the pressure on his chest increased even more and it got impossible to breathe.

The trip to the ingredients storage was a blur , he couldn't tell if he had stumbled over his own feet or if someone had tripped him. The materials he usually so carefully selected - to get the best results - were now chosen haphazardly grabbed by proximity. The soft flower in his hand was already half-crushed in his sweaty grip.

Actually starting the potion wasn't any better. His unstable emotions had his magic slipping into fight-or-flight - making the small flame beneath the cauldron roar up into a brutal inferno desperate to consume it.

He caught it at once, adjusting with a quick swish of his wand, but the damage was already done. Whispers had started all around him - no words he could make out - just a constant, relentless buzz, worming into his head. It abated every time Slughorn barked at the class to focus or their potions would end in disaster, but the noise always came back with vengeance swelling over the previous volume.

They were talking about him. His mistake. How Severus Snape for the first time fumbled in potions - how he was unraveling at the edges.

His breath rattled in his chest, shallow and quick. The knife in his hand trembled. His cuts were uneven, sloppy, a disgrace to anyone with aspirations of becoming a Potions Master. But Severus didn’t care -not as long as the pain of cutting into his own flesh stayed absent and his work surface was uncontaminated. He didn't even flinch when the blade came down at the wrong angle and sent a chunk of root flying off the desk. He could clean that up later.

For now, just breathe.

Drop what was still on the cutting board in the cauldron.

No, not so fast! Avoid the splash - hot water burns.

Five stirs clockwise. Seven counter-clockwise. Or was it eight?

Count.

Why was he counting? What was he waiting for?

Frog legs. Cut them open. Get the bones. Careful - they’re delicate. Crush. Add. Stir. Stir again.

Wait for the color to shift - pink, it should turn pink.

Shit.

That’s orange.

Another rattling breath. Severus blinked the tears from his eyes. His skin still crawled. He wanted to be anywhere but here. Needed solitude.

He didn't get it.

The eyes were still on him. Watching. Judging.

He had to fix it. He couldn't hand the potion in like this. He knew how to fix it - had to salvage far worse disasters when the Marauders had sabotaged his cauldron.

So why couldn't he remember?

Twenty minutes left in class. Normally , he’d be finished by now, already on his way to the library or halfway through an assignment. Now he was stuck - franticly going over the whole progress in his mind and trying to recall where he had gone wrong. And more important, how to fix it.

Five minutes left.

Slughorn was calling for everyone to bottle their potions.

The color in Severus’ cauldron looked right now. But only testing would reveal how much potency he’d lost with that last-minute save.

It wasn't up to his usual standard, but was also not a failure either.

At least he had something to put on Slughorn's desk, unlike some other people - too busy staring to create something acceptable.

Disaster averted. Barely.

His hands were still trembling as he set down the vial beside the others - his name barely readable, handwriting a mess . Not like his usual perfected style.

Don’t think. Just pack your things.

He moved automatically - rags, knife, notes. Everything into his beat-up satchel, even if parchment was grumbled by his hard shoves and the blade still had root residue on it.

No one said anything. Not a whisper now. Just silence. It was somehow worse.

Next class: just Slytherins.

No Gryffindors. No Marauders.

Just a few more minutes, and he could breathe again.

"Severus!"

He knows that voice - familiar enough to gut him. It filled him with a pang of longing and the bitter sting of regret. It always did. A friendship long gone cold, and all the worse for having once burned so bright.

It had been his fault. He knew that. The friends he clung to in Slytherin had pushed her away, made her feel unsafe. But hadn’t she left first? Drifted toward new people, new smiles, leaving him behind? He'd only turned to those who barely tolerated him because he had no one else. Was that so unforgivable?

Just because Mulciber paid him to do his homework, did that mean Severus deserved to be shunned? Was sitting with Avery so wrong when it offered a speck of protection from being hexed from behind - even if the boy's personality was revolting? Turning a blind eye to Wilkes' cruel remarks and bigot comments was not his choice if the alternative was being kicked out of the dorm and having to sleep unprotected in the common room.

Of all the people in Slytherin - who were naturally all evil in Lily's eyes - the only person who wasn't a necessity for survival and that he chose was Regulus. And he was different. Even if Black had tarnished his reputation in the other houses with his half-truths and lies - painting Regulus as cold, cruel, a perfect little pureblood heir. Severus knew better.

Regulus had never laughed when Severus was hexed in the hall.

Was never needlessly cruel except to defend those he deemed close. A circle Black had once also counted to.

And despite his upbringing, years of having his superiority over Muggle-borns drilled into his head, he wasn't cruel to them. He listened to Severus when he had spoken about Lily and their friendship, respected her even from all the stories - until she had turned on Severus and started spending time with his tormentors. But even then he didn't condemn all Muggle-borns for her fault but hated her as a human and gave others a chance even if he couldn't openly show it without risking the Slytherins turning on him.

He had even started abounding language and slurs that were taught to him since birth since they made Severus uncomfortable. And when he slipped up it only made him try harder for they were not truly his words at all.

No, Regulus was special. And Severus could admit that some of the confrontations with Black came from Severus' constant, shimmering anger over Black abandoning his brother - and breaking his heart in the progress.

So to say that his and Lily's relationship was rocky - especially now that Regulus had shown him what true friendship could look like - was an understatement. So he was quite surprised she would break her silent treatment towards him.

He turned slowly to face her.

Red hair. Startling green eyes. And behind her - Potter. Of course.

So that was it. Now she hadn’t just abandoned him for new friends - she had joined up with his tormentors. All those promises about never giving in to James Potter’s flirting, broken like they meant nothing.

Severus turned on his heel, grabbed his bag, and bolted - throwing up a shield behind him without waiting for an attack. Just in case. Just in reflex.

He ignored the shouts behind him. Lily calling his name. Slughorn's confused scolding. The curious whispers of his yearmates as he rushed past. He didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop.

He fled.

By the time he reached History of Magic, he was first in the room. He took his usual seat near the side wall - easier to defend than the front and with multiple escapes unlike the very back -and pulled out his coursework. Then he slumped forward, forehead pressing into the parchment as his skull throbbed with the pulse of panic and shame.

One by one, the room filled.

Just… not near him.

Not to his left. Not to his right. No one sat in front. No one behind. He was an island.

Severus noticed three students crammed into a bench meant for two in the far back - hunched awkwardly together. They would rather sit on top of each other than risk sitting near him .

The message was clear.

Even in silence, they had found a new way to shun him - make sure he knew he wasn't one of them.

He was isolated. Alone. Unwanted. A plague everyone instinctively avoided.

As Binns droned on, oblivious to the madness happening in this very classroom, Severus stared at the table, biting his lip hard enough to taste metal. He wouldn't cry. Not here. Not now. He wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of seeing him break.

He had already known he was unwanted. But at least he thought he was tolerated for his skills if nothing else. Apparently, he had been wrong.

He felt like a ghost. A presence everyone agreed not to acknowledge, hoping he’d fade for real if they just ignored him hard enough.

And the worst part? He wished back the insults, the biting remarks, the threats. Anything as long as someone acknowledged his existence - reassured him he was indeed still here and not already long gone.

When class ended, Severus didn’t go to lunch. He knew Regulus would lecture him later for skipping two meals in a row. But right now, he couldn't bear to sit in the Great Hall.

Instead, he went straight for the greenhouses.

He busied himself with collecting materials from the grounds around them - nothing rare, nothing special. But enough to serve as filler in most potions. Enough to feel useful. Enough to feel… real.

It was time for the last class of the day, Herbology with the Hufflepuffs. Severus didn’t enjoy it - never had - but he wasn’t so snobbish as to shy away from getting his hands dirty like many of his housemates. He kept up in class because he knew how valuable it was. Being able to grow his own ingredients was an advantage any serious potioneer needed.

But enjoyment? That had been beaten out of him long ago.

Ever since his father had caught him and his mother tending their modest herb garden, pride shining in their eyes, and torn it all apart in a drunken rage. The garden was gone in minutes.

Severus' hand had taken weeks to heal.

Now, the familiar scent of damp earth only made his stomach twist.

His dormmates avoid him here as well, but it is okay because whatever madness has taken hold of them hasn't swept to the Hufflepuufs yet. Not yet.

They still treated him the same as always - with wary eyes, suspicious glances, and a polite but cold distance. Some glared. None smiled. But they didn’t move away when he took a workstation. Didn’t flinch like he was diseased.

They huddled together in pairs or trios, as Hufflepuffs always did - safety in numbers - but they didn’t leave the bench if Severus sat nearby. It was enough . For now.

He hoped it would stay that way.

But he knew better.

Which was why, after a dinner, he couldn't avoid - Regulus had literally grabbed his arm and dragged him to the Slytherin table - Severus resigned himself to another sleepless night. He downed a vial of Pepper-Up Potion and began preparing for what truly mattered: progress on the Identity Potion.

He slipped through the dark halls of the dungeon like a shadow until he reached his lab. An abandoned classroom he had painfully transformed to fit his needs over the course of the past years.

It was his best-kept secret. Not even Lily had known about it. Regulus might have guessed, but he didn’t know where it was. No one did.

On top of the secrecy, it was warded to high heaven with protection that more than scrapped the line of legal and would get him expelled immediately if someone found them. That was how serious this space was to him - and more importantly the content inside.

The room was lined with cupboards, each packed with carefully preserved ingredients. Rare. Dangerous. Expensive. Half of them extracted under threat of his life from the Forbidden Forest.

Everything in here, every potion, every scratched-out recipe was testament to his efforts to one day reach a better life - to escape from those who want to drag him down.

The potion storage was depleted at the moment.

He had to sell a lot to cover for books and other things he couldn't borrow or recycle on his school list. Too much had been sold off to afford his schoolbooks, ingredients he couldn’t beg, borrow, or acquire without currency. It chipped away at his safety net and Mastery fund , but restocking would have to wait - His current circumstances taking precedence.

Getting started with his experiments, Severus felt calmer than he had all day. Here, in the quiet of his hidden lab, he was alone - no one to judge, no one to interrupt. No one to help if something went wrong.

He knew that brewing dangerous potions without supervision was dancing with death. If he blew himself up, no one would find him until it was far too late. But the risk had never stopped him before. His desperation outweighed his self-preservation, and he trusted his skill to catch a mistake before it became fatal.

Even if Slughorn had allowed him into the supervised brewing hours - a privilege reserved for pure-bloods and Lily, the exception to every rule - Severus wouldn’t have trusted him to help. The man had grown slow with age. If a cauldron was about to explode, Severus doubted he'd get a shield up in time. Honestly, it was a miracle no one had blown themselves up yet during their years at Hogwarts.

Then again, maybe the other students weren’t as careless as he liked to think. Or maybe they weren't as desperate.

~*~

"Snape!"

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Severus broke into a run the moment he heard the voice, ignoring the annoyed shouts behind him. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? They had won. They had finally broken him -pushed him to the brink of a nervous breakdown - and now, instead of basking in their victory, James bloody Potter had apparently made it his new mission to haunt Severus at every turn.

And not with hexes, strangely enough. No, now James was trying to talk to him.

It was a stunning development. Probably had something to do with the fact that Lily was now permanently glued to Potter’s side. Making someone bleed didn’t look great in front of your years-long crush - not that it had ever stopped the Marauders before. But perhaps James had finally grown half a brain.

Still, that didn’t explain why Lily was suddenly trying to talk to him, after so long of treating him like he didn’t exist.

Well, Severus was not curious enough to stay and find out, he was a Slytherin - known for self-preservation - for a reason. And he could recognize an ambush if he saw one.

So he executed a strategic retreat, ducking into his common room and out of their sight. Let them talk to the wall that closed behind him.

Still, it was infuriating - more so, even, than the usual bullying. At least that had been predictable. But this? This constant disruption, the sudden shift in tactics, being unable to report them since technically they didn't do something wrong, and bringing Lily - it had thrown his entire world off balance. Now instead of physical wounds, they were going for psychological damage, and as much as it irked Severus it was working.

It was a miracle he hadn't snapped again and hexed them on principle, expulsion or not - there was only so much one could take.

Worse still, they still had the uncanny ability to always know where he was. No matter how carefully he planned his routes or how quickly he moved through the halls, they were there - lurking just a few corridors away, lying in wait. The only places they didn’t follow were the Slytherin common room and his hidden lab. They must have assumed it was some secondary entrance to the common room, afraid of being hexed by the other Slytherins for loitering too close. Cowards. Still, they lingered nearby, just out of reach, like a storm circling the edges of his safe spaces.

And unlike before, Severus couldn’t count on other Slytherins to shield him. Their mutual hatred for Gryffindors used to make him a tolerable shadow among them. But now, with Severus isolated the others kept their distance, leaving him alone and exposed. Even the Great Hall offered no safety anymore - though Regulus sat beside him, glowering at everyone in a wordless declaration of loyalty, it only deterred the older Black, too uncomfortable to confront his own brother.

The rest? Unbothered.

Lily even had the gall to try making small talk with Regulus, smiling sweetly as she brushed off his barbed responses with a smile. The world had truly gone mad.

So Severus had to rely on every ounce of skill and cunning he possessed to avoid being cornered. He was constantly on high alert looking for potential threats and marked escape routes in his mind. Every hallway was a potential trap. He made sure to be the last one to arrive at the classroom, so he couldn't be cornered while they waited for the door to open. Occasionally, that meant being late by a few minutes, but so far the professors had only given him pointed looks or mild rebukes - they must feel something was off with the current situation as well. They weren't all as dense as Binns. And no Marauder hexing Severus for more than a day drew attention in itself.

And even the most thick-headed professor was clued in when the moment the lesson ended Severus fled from the room.

But even then, Potter was persistent. If he had a free period, he'd wait outside the classroom like a predator by a watering hole, ready to pounce. Severus had no choice but to latch onto the nearest professor, pretending to ask questions he already knew the answers to, anything to avoid being left alone in a hallway with him . It worked well with Slughorn - who never questioned flattery, especially when it came to potion theory. Less so with Binns, who floated away mid-conversation half the time.

Severus was frayed, desperate for a moment of peace, where he could stop glancing over his shoulder. He just couldn't understand Why? Why were they going so far? Was it still over the desk? Destroying that near Potter had been reckless and looked dangerous - but no one had been hurt. Their grudge over this couldn't be this bad. Especially since Severus had done nothing but avoid them lately.

And yet the school had turned upside down around him.

The Marauders stalked him. Lily was trying to talk to him, rekindle their friendship - like their rotten past didn't exist. As if she had never abandoned him.

And it wasn't just them, the whole school, previously unaffected was in on it now.

The Ravenclaws now watched him with sharp, unreadable eyes, scrutinizing every flick of his wand as if trying to map out his weaknesses. The groups of Hufflepuffs had at least one older student now, who pushed the younger ones behind them when they passed Severus in the hallways.

As if he’d hex some random second-year he didn’t even know.

As if he was the threat - and not the well-known bullies of Gryffindor.

It was all too much.

Severus pretended that he was okay - always looking stoic, never letting his voice so much as waver - but he was scared, terrified. A cornered animal just waiting for the beast to stop playing with it and go in for the kill.

But he couldn't show it. Not to them. And especially not to Regulus .

Regulus who had stayed at his side through all the recent events. Who glared at everyone who as much as breathed wrong in Severus' direction, who did it because he cared not because there was something to gain. Because siding with Severus was the worst possible strategy one could have and social suicide. It only gained Severus's loyalty - for how little that was worth - and firmly put Regulus out of the good grace of the other pureblood heirs. If the alternative wasn't Sirius Black he was sure they would have already dropped Regulus completely and chosen the other son for further alliances.

Severus couldn't bear to put even more on Regulus' shoulders - or maybe he was just afraid that it would be the final straw proving Severus to be too much work and Regulus would leave him. No matter what, Severus had to protect Regulus, before he started dueling the Marauders for Snape and got injured or landed in Dumbledor's office.

So he lied. Said things were fine. Reassured Regulus with steady words, forced smiles, and half-true stories of professors wanting to talk to him about assignments. Regulus wasn’t stupid - he knew. Severus could see it in the tightness of his mouth, the moments he hovered a second longer than necessary before leaving as if waiting for Severus to open up. But as long as Severus pretended so did Regulus. The etiquette he learned since birth demanded it and for as much as Regulus had grown he hadn't completely shaken it yet.

But then came Remus Lupin.

You knew things were bad when even he - the quiet one, the observer, the so-called voice of reason among the Marauders - suddenly took interest. Lupin had always kept his distance, content to look away while the others hexed and humiliated. He wasn’t cruel, just complicit in his silence. So for him to seek Severus out meant things were bad.

Severus had already been suspicious - Potter and Lily had spent the entire day watching him like hawks, but for the first time since the incident, they'd kept their distance. Not a word, not a chase. Just… waiting.

Which, in Severus’ experience, only ever meant they were planning something .

And apparently, that something was Lupin - the one person who had never raised their wand against Severus.

Lupin looked harmless enough in his oversized cardigan, dusted with lint and fraying at the cuffs. Almost shy with the freckles, the inability to hold proper eye contact, and the books he was constantly hiding behind. Trusted by the adults with the Prefect batch proudly displayed on his chest.

He was the perfect choice if your goal was to put someone at ease.

Or he would be, if you didn’t know what lay beneath the tall frame that moved too carefully through crowded hallways, the faded scars half-hidden beneath uniform sleeves, the monthly absences that aligned too perfectly with the full moon.

But Severus knew.

He had known for years.

So the sight of the werewolf walking toward him with a cautious smile and his hands tucked loosely into his sleeves didn’t calm Severus - it sent a cold shiver crawling up his spine.

How no one else had figured it out, Severus couldn’t begin to understand. But then again, he had long since stopped expecting intellectual brilliance from his classmates.

But when Severus had once brought up his still half-formed speculation - back when Lily was still speaking to him, when he could still seek her advice - she had called him paranoid. Told him he was rude and that perhaps he should rather take a look at his own housemates and their dark deeds than desperately search for faults with the Gryffindors.

She couldn’t comprehend the idea. A werewolf among children? Allowed to roam the school freely ? It was absurd to her. The thing only a kid would believe that was still crying at ghost stories.

But Severus wasn’t blinded by sentiment or the false sense of security Hogwarts promised.

He knew the truth. Which meant he also knew that this was bigger than a werewolf entering the school. If someone like Lupin was allowed at Hogwarts, it could only mean someone powerful had made it happen - Dumbledore. No one else could have adjusted the wards to permit a creature like that through the castle’s defenses. This also meant that if Severus ever intended to expose Lupin, he had to get it right the first time. One mistake and he would be making a very powerful enemy.

So when Lupin stepped in front of him in the hallway, blocking his path with nothing but his own quiet presence, Severus didn’t see a classmate.

He saw a predator in sheep’s clothing.

"Hello, Snape. " Lupin said friendly like this was the first time they'd ever spoken and there weren't years of him standing by while Severus was tormented. Like they were just two schoolmates bumping into each other in the hall. Like Severus hadn’t been tight with tension for days now waiting for the Marauders to spring their trap. As if he couldn't see straight to the pretense and notice what they were planning.

Thus his response was filled with venom while his eyes flickered around searching for Black - because he had to be behind it. He was the only one able to convince Lupin to join their scheme.

"Did they send you because you’re the only one who can pretend not to despise me for five minutes?" His anger only rose when Lupin had the audacity to flinch. “Or because they thought I wouldn’t hex you?”

Severus fingers had a dead grip on his wand ready to show Lupin how wrong such an assumption would be at the slightest notion of danger. He would not be caught unaware.

“I came because we need to talk,” Lupin still had the stupid half-smile on his face wanting to look harmless. Him, of all people! “That’s all.”

Severus’s fingers twitched, his wand jumping subtly between the most likely hiding spots where the rest of the Marauders could be waiting. Any second now. “ We ?”

There was a pause.

“Yes,” Lupin said eventually. “All of us.”

Severus scoffed, stepped to the side - Lupin mirrored the movement. Subtle. Like herding. Like a wolf.

“There’s nothing to talk about . Not with any of you. After all these years of tormenting me, you think I’ll just sit down for a chat? Maybe have tea while we’re at it? You think I’m stupid? The moment I’m alone, your cronies will come crawling out of the walls and send me to the hospital.”

And then he felt it. The prickle at the back of his neck. The unmistakable sensation of eyes he couldn’t see. They were here.

Shit. He should never have stopped. Never accepted this conversation. He should have run from the start. Now he’d been cornered.

“Snape, everything alright?” Lupin asked, voice laced with concern—as if he wasn’t the one who had distracted him while Severus was being surrounded.

Lupin stepped forward.

Severus stumbled back, instinctively trying to put as much distance between them as possible. But the hand was there -on his arm. Steadying. Supporting him.

Lupin was touching him!

He could feel the heat seeping through his robes, sinking into his skin, shaking him to the bone.

Too much!

Panic surged through him like a wave.

It clawed up his throat, made it hard to breathe. The hallway shrank around him, the walls seeming to lean in. His pulse thundered in his ears. They were watching—waiting for the moment to strike.

And the werewolf was touching him. One twist, one shift of that strength—and his arm would snap like a twig.

No. No. No no no.

“Expelliarmus!”

It happened too fast. Lupin barely had time to look surprised before the force of the overcharged spell slammed into him, hurling him through the air before he crashed to the ground.

Severus didn’t wait to see if he would get back up.

He spun and ran—robes flying, heart pounding so loud it nearly drowned out the voices behind him.

“Sev—!”

“Oi!”

But he didn’t stop.

Not when he heard hurried footsteps echoing after him. Not when his lungs burned or his vision blurred. Not even when someone shouted for him to wait.

Because he knew—he had cast the first stone.

And their retaliation would be brutal.

~*~

Severus stood hunched over the cauldron, the brew long since gone cold, inspecting the color intently. It looked different from the beauty potions high society used, but still within the realm of the expected, given how much he had tweaked the recipe. After all, he needed the effect to be far greater than simply smoothing out skin or erasing a few wrinkles. He was creating a new identity for himself.

Additionally, he had modified it so that the transformation wouldn’t be time-based anymore, but instead triggered by a counteragent - allowing him to switch back to his original form whenever necessary.

He had researched every angle, brewed until perfection was second nature. Now, all that remained was to verify whether his hypothesis had actually achieved the intended results.

Still, he wasn’t foolish enough to drink it himself - not yet, no matter what Regulus might say about his recklessness. Severus understood the safety hazards of untested potions. Even when everything was measured perfectly and accounted for, there could always be unforeseen reactions between ingredients that warped the effect in unpleasant - or even deathly- ways.

Usually, he would use a series of highly complex spells to test the potion’s safety, along with a test mixture he had invented himself - one that, over the course of several days, mimicked how a potion would affect the human body. It was a brilliant invention, one that could earn him a fortune if he ever marketed it. But Severus wasn’t naive. Anyone willing to listen to him while he was still in school would likely just steal it, slap their name on the patent, and walk away richer. And Severus himself couldn’t legally claim ownership yet - not until he came of age.

Unfortunately, this time, he didn’t have the luxury of days for testing.

The situation was completely unsalvageable. Not after he had sent Lupin flying and essentially declared open war on the Marauders. The only saving grace was that, for once, they hadn’t gone straight to a professor. Apparently, they intended to deal with Severus themselves.

But Severus had to disappear if he ever wanted some peace again.

And this potion... this could be the solution.

He would have to cut some corners. Hope for the best.

And even if it went wrong - well, the mouse he had caught in the Forbidden Forest wouldn’t be worse off than if he had left her trapped in that Aranthula’s web.

Feeding the small creature, Severus carefully diluted the potion to account for the drastic difference in body mass compared to a human. In hindsight, he should have chosen a larger test subject, but he had felt bad since unlike usual he couldn't guarantee safety.

The potion worked instantly and while there were clearly some changes, they were subtle - too subtle. And even then, how was a human supposed to judge the aesthetic improvement of a mouse? Or if there were improvements at all and the mouse hadn't just because hideous to others of its species.

Still, there was a bright side: the creature wasn’t curled up in agony or dead. It was alive, alert, and responsive. Even more promising, the counter-potion seemed to work to some degree. Severus just couldn't tell if everything was like before because the mouse just looked like a mouse.

In short: the test run was inconclusive.

A sane person would now run the safety test potion or, at the very least, find a larger animal to experiment on. Severus was not a sane person. Not anymore. Not with his spine constantly tingling from unseen, watchful eyes and his skin crawling at the mere mention of the Marauders.

But he was prepared.

He has antidotes for every individual component of the potion, plus several broad-spectrum counteragents. Vomit inducers. Detoxification brews. Charms to stabilize bodily functions if needed.

He was being reckless, not thoughless .

Regulus would still smack him over the head for taking the risk at all.

Consuming only a small amount - he didn’t need the effects to last long - Severus grimaced the moment it touched his tongue. After years of drinking his own potions, he should have been used to how terrible they tasted, but this one was especially vile. It was sickly sweet, yet somehow also rotten, and he had to force himself to swallow rather than spit it out immediately.

As it slid down his throat, the nausea began to set in - a sure sign that something in the ratio was off, most likely the balance between moonflower and bumblebee leaf. A single gram could make the difference, and arithmancy could only guide so far, the rest came down to brutal trial and error. Still, this wasn’t the first time he’d experienced such side effects, and he knew from past tests that it would pass once the potion took hold. No need to abort the experiment early.

The moment the liquid settled in his stomach, he felt it begin to work - shifting from discomfort to something deeper, stronger. He had passed the point where vomiting could easily stop the experiment.

It started deep in his core - a creeping, needling sensation buried beneath his skin. Then the burning spread. Up his neck. Across his jaw. His face. It felt like thousands of fire ants were crawling over his cheeks and brow, biting every inch of him.

He gripped the edge of the table, knuckles white, eyes squeezed shut. His breath came in short, ragged gasps as the potion clawed its way through his body, rearranging it to its own design.

His lips trembled. His teeth ached. His eyelashes itched.

Something cracked behind his nose.

It was far from painless.

He sunk to his knees with a groan regretting ever having this stupid idea, and not just sticking with some illusion that could be easily applied.

The mouse had been fine, a bit scared but not withering in pain. Was it because the mouse was actually pretty by mouse standards and Severus was that ugly? Talk about kicking a man while he was down.

Finally, the pain passed, and he could breathe again. Still, on the ground, he glared daggers at a chair that had the audacity to be too far away from him. Unfortunately, in this case, if looks could kill was a bit too literal. Under the pressure of his raging magic, the chair cracked - wooden splinters flying everywhere. Damn. Now he’d have to get a new chair.

Looking at the carnage and being reminded of the desk incident, he couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Severus Snape - feared by the school, accused of being a potential Dark Lord and most importantly, master in destroying furniture. Because even when losing control, that was all he did. Take it out on inanimate objects. Not hurt people. Even the mouse was fine happily munching on some food he left in the cake, ignoring Severus.

No matter what everyone thought, he could never be like his father - turning his anger on others. So why, when even in his lowest moments he was still harmless, was he still avoided and shunned?

He had no more tears to cry, emotions long wrung out by now. So he sceamed , screamed until his lungs burned and his troath started hurting. It made him feel better.

Wanting it all to be over so he could take the antidote and go to bed, he staggered to the mirror. His palms were still clammy, mouth dry, as he prayed that at least the pain had paid off - that he had succeeded.

He looked.

He froze.

The face staring back at him was still his own, but also not. It was softer in a way. As if someone had taken sandpaper and scraped away everything harsh - the hooked nose he inherited from his father was now a soft arch, the sharp cheekbones were filled out with a healthy glow to them, and the heavy brows were slim and defined. He was changed in a way that made his heart ache as he reflected the one happy photo of his mother on her wedding day before her life had been ruined by a single man.

His paleness was still there as was the dark hair even if it looked a lot healthier now. But it was still him.

But different.

Unsettlingly so.

Like the local supermarket, he went to with his mother after closing hours when the lights were dim and no one left around - still recognizable but different.

He moved his mouth before he could really think about it morbidly curious if the reflection would do the same. It did - his brain still got caught up by the fact it did expecting the stranger in the mirror to do something else. But was it really a stranger? Wouldn't he believe it to be a cousin or a sibling of his if his mother had found another man with weaker genes?

Because he still looked like a spitting image of his mother - could be her twin. No matter how much you twisted and turned, no one could deny the similarities between them.

But would it be enough? Would it fool the rest of the school and buy him some peace - or would everyone just see the same hated boy only now with a new facade to hide the rot underneath.

The face was prettier, no question - and with the andromynous features now he could even pass as a girl if he switched his uniform. However, if he wanted to go that far he would also have to change his voice since the dark tenor would give him away instantly. Not that he planned to - he liked pants.

Still, since he could still recognize himself he would need an outside opinion if he could actually fool someone with this. And there was just one person he trusted enough to tell him.

He found Regulus in the now-empty common room, tucked into a small alcove by a window overlooking the lake, watching the mermaids swim past. He was alone, as he had been lately - his siding with Severus hadn’t gone over well with his other acquaintances. Severus’s chest ached, knowing he was responsible for making Regulus an outcast. But his heart also sang, knowing that despite all the hardship, Regulus had chosen him. He had proven their connection was more important than social standing. Emotions raged like a silent war inside Severus’s chest as he simply watched his friend.

Feeling eyes on him, Regulus looked up, frowning as he puffed up and put on his pureblood mask, ready to defend himself in his own way if needed.

“Can I help you somehow, or is rudely staring the new fashion now?” The words dripped with condescension.

Severus didn’t answer, knowing Regulus would recognize his voice. Even if Severus didn't have any plans of wearing a skirt or going to the women's washroom - no matter how good a disguise it would be - he would need to change it slightly. A project for another day, one much easier to archive.

For now, he just stood there, arms folded, staring.

“Did someone send you?” Regulus asked, suspicion creeping into his voice. "If you want me to cut ties with Snape I can tell you to kindly fuck off before you waste your breath."

These bastards had really gone so far as thretening Regulus. If Severus got a name he would make sure whatever they ate for the next two weeks would make them throw up. "I swear I-" And then Regulus stopped mid-sentence. Froze.

Because Severus glared.

Not a general scowl. Not a twitch of the lips. A full, flat, Severus Snape glare - all tension and thinly veiled disdain, the kind that could sour milk and make first-years cry.

Regulus blinked. His expression didn’t change, but something in his posture did. Sharpened.

“Oh,” he said.

Severus raised one eyebrow, slow and biting.

Regulus leaned back, his eyes wandering over Severus again, seeing him in a new light now. “You look like someone took out everything Muggle and left the rest behind,” he muttered, his upbringing shining through even if he didn’t share his mother’s harsh view - something the other Blacks never realized, seeing nothing but the perfect heir.

“You’re shorter. And your skin’s not-” He waved vaguely at Severus’s face, which was kind of insulting. His skin hadn’t been his worst feature before. “You look like your mother. That photo on the nightstand. I don’t think anyone’s noticed, but maybe hide it if you don’t want to answer questions.”

Which was a good point.

“Would you have recognized me if I hadn’t glared?” Severus asked.

Regulus considered that. “No. I thought you were a girl in the wrong uniform or a very pretty boy before hitting puberty.”

“Charming.”

“I mean, it is obvious that despite all my efforts you still missed enough meals to not put on muscles."

Severus didn’t rise to the bait. “Do you think it’ll fool the rest of them?”

Regulus looked away, eyes narrowing in thought. “Most of them? Maybe. Especially if you stay quiet. You still move the same, though. That might give you away.”

Severus’s fingers twitched, already thinking of ways to fix that.

“Why?” Regulus asked suddenly. “You’re not that vain to want to win the prettiest boy of the school award, although we know I would get it if it ever existed.”

Severus didn’t answer at first. Then, quietly: “I want peace. Or a mask strong enough to give me some time to rest.”

Regulus nodded again as if that made perfect sense.

Chapter Text

The library was warm with the late afternoon sun, golden light spilling between the high bookshelves coloring everything in rich tones. Dust drifted lazily through the air like butterflies, undisturbed. The noise of the outside world was hushed, replaced by the soft scratch of quills on parchment and the gentle rustle of turning pages.

Severus was tense, like a bowstring, ready to crack with the slightest increase of pressure. His shoulders were hunched protectively, pulled up toward his ears until he forced them down, unwilling to draw attention. His gait was uneven, each step carefully calculated, as he tried to mask his usual stride. 

He couldn't help his eyes darting around, checking corners and exits, looking for threats. His survival instinct too strong to shake this pattern.

Why had he thought this would work?

The library was too open—too exposed. There were too many people, too many eyes to catch any mistake, any tell he didn't catch in time. It was a disaster waiting to happen.

Why hadn't he chosen a quieter spot, somewhere tucked away from the beaten path? Where he had more control if the experiment went wrong and he was recognized. He shouldn't have listened to Regulus' argument about the anonymity of numbers. Clearly, it was wrong.

His palms were sweaty. Nauseous crawled up his throat.

He wanted to run into a dark corner and curl up - not to cry, no one could prove that - just to calm down. Instead, he forced himself to stay in the light and walk steadily between the rows. His hand hovered near the shelf, touching the spines of books he didn’t care to read, pretending to browse. Every movement was a deliberate act as he tried to be normal. 

What had Regulus said? Just be confident, don't act like you usually do and you will be fine. Right. Because confidence was something Severus just had lying around. A bit of support might have helped—but Regulus had only walked him to the door before making a quick escape to Quidditch practice. Traitor.

What if something went wrong? What if he needed backup?

Looking away from the shelve his eyes meet the dark brown ones of a young Gryffindor girl with blond hair. She didn't look away instantly in disgust but held eye contact. He froze, fear paralyzing him. She knew. She had to. He had given himself away. 

She lifted her arm - to point, to accuse - and waved. Severus blinked, unsure what to do. 

He looked over his shoulder. No one was there. 

His eyes flickered down, he was wearing a Slytherin uniform - not his own that had been slightly too big, ever since the potion made him smaller. He loathed losing the few centimeters he had earned during the last grown spurt. 

Regulus, ever infuriatingly prepared, had simply produced a perfectly fitted uniform—shirt, vest, and all—from Merlin knew where, insisting that transfiguring Severus’ old clothes would compromise their durability.

Severus had tried to protest, but Regulus wouldn’t hear it - and it came with pants, which he was grateful for especially since he was sure the robe was a woman's with slim shoulders.

Still, he looked the part. Clearly Slytherin.

So why, then, was a Gryffindor waving at him? Didn't all Gryffindors hate Slytherin on principle? 

Normally, Severus would have taken this for a trap. He’d have sneered, maybe hexed her, or at the very least turned and walked the other way. But that would be exactly how he usually acted. And Regulus had made it abundantly clear: don’t act like your usual self.

So instead, he lifted his hand in a jerky, awkward little wave.

The girl beamed.

A shiver crept down his spine.

She turned back to her shelf ignoring the existential crisis she had just created.

A Gryffindor girl had greeted him - not under threat, not as a joke, but just because she was nice. It rattled him more than if she’d spat at his feet. At least that would’ve made sense. That he could handle.

He snatched the nearest book that didn't look like an outright insult to his intelligence - even startled by the encounter he refused to stoop so low as to touch anything about Divination - and hurried away. 

She must just be crazy. Every house had its lunatics. Bellatrix liked to test curses on  live targets, and the Gryffindor madwoman greeted Slytherins. That was it. She was just an anomaly.

Still shaken, Severus began scanning the library for somewhere to sit. The place was uncomfortably full - no doubt others had also decided to get a head start on their studies before dinner.

Searching for a place to sit everything was quite full - many others taking up the chance to get a head start on their study. Meaning most desks were already full with people hard at work. A single table caught his eyes as it still had open seats. It was shared between different houses and years, making it neutral territory.

Normally, he wouldn’t have even considered it. Sitting with other people, especially some not in his own house. But he wasn’t supposed to act like his usual self. That was the whole point.

He forced his legs to move, approached the table, and sat down.

Still, Severus remained cautious as he sat down, noting that he was the only one wearing green on this side of the library. The only other Slytherins were crowded around two distant desks, casting sharp glares at anyone who so much as glanced their way.

It wouldn't surprise him if the other three houses could share peacefully, united in their common hate for the House of Snakes. Any second now the insults would start and he would be chased off to sit with the other Slytherins. Not that he could - they wouldn't tolerate someone with no prestige. Severus had been shooed away often enough by his housemates to know that much.

A Hufflepuff girl nodded politely. A Ravenclaw boy gave him a distracted wave before returning to his parchment. Not a single person hissed "Snake." No one flinched like he might bite. Someone even mouthed ‘hi’ at him—like they knew him. Like he was just... a person.

It was—awful.

Everything about it felt wrong. Every fiber of his being screamed that there had to be a mistake. That this was a trap. People didn’t just offer kindness unless they wanted something in return. Regulus was the exception, because he was stupid, and Severus had multiple plans already to make sure no one took advantage of his friend.  

People came, receiving the same quiet welcome Severus had. People left with a soft bye, a wave, and then they were gone.

Severus hadn't absorbed a single word on the page before him in half an hour. The words swam together in a black-and-white blur as he pretended to read - turning pages in appropriate intervals. 

His thoughts raced, too fast to catch. Was this how people interacted? Was this how people interacted? Just... sitting near each other, exchanging politeness with strangers? Being that vulnerable, that open? Didn’t they realize how easy it was to be torn apart for less?

In Slytherin, even friends addressed each other by their family names and greeted one another with dignity. There was no waving, no meaningless conversations without goals, no borrowing of possessions without offering something in return. So why had the Hufflepuff girl simply pushed her inkwell closer when the boy next to her came up empty after rummaging through his satchel?

Friends in other houses were close - Severus knew that. He had seen it with the Marauders, and had even had a taste of it once, with Lily. But as far as he could tell, no one at this table even knew each other. And yet the Hufflepuff still shared her ink without hesitation. A Ravenclaw leaned over to explain something when he saw a younger student struggling, no expectation of reward.

It was all so harmonious, so pleasant—like something out of a fairy tale. And Severus wanted to throw something. He wanted to scream.

Was this what normalcy looked like? If so, he wanted no part of it. Being liked was overrated. He’d rather endure the sneers and cold shoulders he was used to than be part of this ridiculous charade.

It was obvious he wouldn't get any work done, even if he stayed, distracted as he was. He wished he could check out the book - poisonous plants in the Middle East - and hide somewhere without people. But to check out the book Madam Pierce would have to scan his magic signature, and since the potion only altered his appearance she would instantly know who he was. And drag him to the headmaster to explain himself. 

So mournfully he had to put the book back on his way out. 

His chair scraped against the floor, drawing eyes to him. But at least now he was confident his potion worked and no one would recognize him - since apparently, everyone else in the room was completely touched in the head.

"Bye, see you later." The Hufflepuff smiled at him! The ink-stealer next to her gave him a nod. Severus froze. He couldn't say see you later - they were naive enough to take it as an invitation! The less he interacted with anyone, the better. He jerked his head in what might have been a nod or a quick glance, then turned sharply and high-tailed it out of there before someone had the absurd idea to follow him.

Having had enough of people for the next three months, he hid in a quiet corner behind the water fountain near the common room. The steady sound of the water calmed him as he watched the colorful lights dance against the wall.

That was how Regulus found him.

“Hey,” came the quiet voice, as Regulus entered the space sitting down beside him, shoulders touching to make it work. Regulus smelled like air and sweat, still clad in his Quidditch robe, it should be disgusting and Severus should push him away. He leaned into the comfort.

Severus' voice was back to normal, filling him with relief. “What gave me away?”

“The fact that you vanish to this exact spot whenever things get too much,” Regulus said. “It’s practically a ritual.”

Severus snorted. “You make me sound predictable.”

“Comfortably predictable,” Regulus corrected, pulling a metal tin from his bag and offering a sandwich to Severus staring until he took the first bite. “You look like a kicked Kneazle. Don't tell me you messed up and gave yourself away”

There was a pause, broken only by the gentle splash of water.

“You would be wrong. I'm far too good for that even if your instructions were lacking. Be confident and not yourself, what sort of advice is that." Severus threw a glare at Regulus who just laughed at him.

"But did it work?" He asked with a knowing glint in his eyes.

"No one looked twice.” Severus had to admit. Even though he gave full credit to his amazing potion skills here, and no Regulus shoddy advice or his own mid-core acting skills.

Regulus didn't say anything, knowing Severus needed some time to open up.

“They didn’t sneer. Didn’t whisper. They smiled.” Severus’s voice cracked faintly on the last word as if it offended him. “Everyone was nice.”

“That’s good,” Regulus offered carefully.

“No, it isn’t,” Severus snapped, then grimaced. “I mean. Glad the potion worked and no one recognized me. But everyone was just acting strange. I don't know what they want from me! We are strangers, what reason do they have to try to get on my good side? What is their motive?"

Regulus wanted to explain — that this was normal, that Slytherin was the exception. That the coldness and suspicion Severus was used to went against the norm. That true friends didn’t betray each other, didn’t turn against one another so quickly. That Severus being forced to fend for himself, while the Marauders poisoned everyone else’s minds from day one, was wrong.

Severus deserved basic respect and common decency just like everyone else - even in his untransformed state.

But Regulus was a Black. 

He had grown up in a cold environment as well - even if not as harsh as the way Severus lived most of his life. It had taken a long time to come to terms with things, that the others were at fault and not him. 

And it was all thanks to cousin Andromeda’s constant letters, filled with stories of a life far different than the one they were raised in — and, ironically, thanks to Severus himself, who had once given Regulus a hand when he had no reason to.

So from experience, he could tell Severus wouldn't believe him.

Not yet. 

But maybe one day he would. When people accepted him no matter what face he wore. 

~*~  

After the truly horrifying experience Severus had in the library he had contemplated giving up on the identity potion altogether - sticking to his normal face. Being shunned and ignored was much preferred to whatever uncanny volley happened otherwise. 

Or at least that had been the plan until he went to the library - as himself this time - to get a book for an upcoming assignment and saw the welcome committee. Bloody Flitwick just had to announce that the material to get an Outstanding could be found in the library - practically spelling out Severus' whereabouts. As if the Marauders needed any help cornering Severus whenever they pleased. 

Looking closely he couldn't even see Lily's red hair. This was bad. Severus had gotten used to her being glued to Potter's side and keeping him - and since they always followed Potter's lead - the rest of the Marauders in check. But now she wasn't here giving them free reign as long as she didn't hear about it afterwards.

And the Marauders would use this chance to make it hurt - in their eyes that was what he deserved.

He had attacked their precious wolf after all - no matter what said wolf had cornered him first. They wouldn't let that slide. In fact, Severus was surprised they hadn't run straight to a teacher and gotten him in trouble for his actions. But his crimes must be so bad in their eyes they decided detention wouldn't be enough and to deal a more fitting punishment themselves.

A punishment he wouldn't be able to avoid since he had already been spotted and the Marauders were walking towards him Black in the very front. Fuck.

Instantly, he flicked his wand in his hand, the movement quick but subtle beneath the long, billowing sleeves of his robe - ready to defend himself at a moment’s notice. He hadn’t been subtle enough - Lupin’s eyes snapped to the flick of his wand immediately. No moment of surprise to give him the upper hand this time.

But astonishingly Lupin didn't draw his own wand or alerted his fellow mischief-makers about what Severus was doing. Instead, he just smiled and showed both his hands - wandless. Was he this confident in Black's and Potter's ability to handle the situation? Pettigrew was negligible, only throwing spells when the others had already bested Severus and he was helpless on the ground.

He had no more time to think about Lupin's odd behavior as Black had reached him, puffing up imposingly with his hands on his hips. 

"Snape, thought you could hide forever? We said we wanted to talk." Sirius insisted.

Severus’s jaw tightened. Talk. Such a simple word, but coming from the Marauders it couldn't be any more ominous. They really had to get more creative if they wanted to hex Severus into next week. 

“I have nothing to say to you,” he hissed, eyes darting between them. “So if you would excuse me.”

Potter blocked his left - they were trying to circle him. His raised hands, meant to seem placating, felt more like a taunt. “We're not here to hex you, mate. Honest. Just listen for five minutes, okay?"

They were insistent. Pettigrew blocked his right side. He was the weakest link, should Severus have to fight his way out. Even if the long open corridor behind him would leave him open for attack. Potter had a corner behind him, way better coverage for a retreat.

But he would have to catch him off guard to get past him.

Severus narrowed his eyes, his mind racing as he came up with a plan. “Five minutes,” he spat, “and then I walk.”

Potter looked relieved - expecting their ambush to work - and some tension even vanished from Black's shoulders.

"Great. Let's go in and grab a table. Much better than standing here." Potter took a step back gesturing to the library doors. This was Severus' chance.

“Obscuro!” he shouted, his wand flashing in one fluid motion.

A thick cloud of grey smoke exploded between them, filling the corridor in seconds. It reeked of burned wood. He heard them cough, someone stumbling back with a curse.

He wasn't about to take any chances - throwing a second spell right away. "Colligo!” The floor beneath the Marauders rippled, slicking as magical conjured oil coated it. Another yelp as at least one of them lost footing.

Severus didn’t stay to see which. He turned, heart hammering, and bolted in the opposite direction, smoke swallowing him whole.

~*~

So he had escaped the Marauders, but that still left him without the needed material to fulfill the assignment to Flitwick's high standards. He wasn't above sending Regulus on an errand to get it for him. Then he could do the actual work in Regulus' dorm room since his roommates were too scared to oppose Severus. 

Madam Pierce foiled such plans. 

The book was rare, and in high demand so she had decided that by checking it out she wouldn't be able to make sure it came back in good condition Plus if it stayed in the library more people would get the chance to use it compared to a single person horting it for weeks - especially before a assignment was due.

Regulus liked Severus, but asking him to copy at least a dozen pages of the book by hand was still pushing it - damn plagiarism spell. 

So if one wanted to use its one had to go to the library. Which Severus couldn't do if he wanted to avoid the Marauders. Unless he wasn't himself. He really hadn't wanted to take the potion again, not because of the potion - he got rid of the nausea and even the change was now only very displeasing and no longer painful - but because of how people reacted to him. But he really wanted this Outstanding.

With a deep sigh, he got the smaller uniform and disappeared into a seldom-used bathroom to change and take the potion. Looking into the mirror he was once more taken aback by the changes. 

Before he left he did one last thing. Since he would be studying the hair falling into his eyes would bother him. And now there was no need to hide his features since it wasn't outright ugly and would get ridiculed. He tied his hair back with a green bow - a gift from Regulus he never dared to wear afraid someone would destroy it. It was pretty - unsuited for him even in this form but he likes it anyway. 

Returning to the battlefield he already felt sick before even opening the doors and seeing all the people inside. But he would do it, for his future.

Madam Pierce didn't even look twice at the student entering her domain at seven a.m. on a Saturday. She was used to people spending every free minute in the library to improve their grades or gather knowledge - even if it was usually Ravenclaws and not Slytherins. 

Being this early meant the book he was searching for wasn't already in the hands of someone else making the whole excursion pointless. He just had to pass by a gargle of Ravenclaws who had already hogged the biggest table in the library for the day. He tried to avoid eye contact but failed miserably when a blue glad figure stepped out between shelves right in front of him and gave a respectful nod. 

He didn't know what to do. Why was there respect? What had he done? And why wasn't the person just moving on, but staring at him? Or was it just Severus' imagination?

Wanting to end this interaction as fast as possible Severus did the only thing he could think of - even if it almost hurt to do so - he nodded back. 

A mistake - grave, dooming - since the Ravenclaw smiled at him. It showed their teeth. 

Abort, abort. Why had he ever thought he would be able to handle this?

Lowering his eyes he quickly sidestepped the obstacle and speed walked down the rows towards the section he needed. Luckily for his heart, there were no other  run-ins and he held 'Subtle Weavings: Layered Charms and Compound Spellcraft' in his hands. 

He could understand Madam Pierce's worry now, it looked worn even under the restoration and protective spells she cast on all her charges.

He secured himself a small desk at the very edge of the working area near the windows half hidden behind a column - hopefully minimizing people making eye contact. He would have preferred being in a small nook, but with the book being so frail he didn't want to be kicked out or banned from the library when it got damaged balancing on his leg.

The text was interesting - Flitwick always had the best recommendations - and the time was flying by in busy concentration as Severus took notes for the assignment. 

Then the peace was suddenly broken as someone cleared their throat beside him. He froze in shock, big eyes flickering up and seeing a Gryffindor stand there. He couldn't help his shoulders jumping to his ears as his eyes darted around searching for the best escape route - an instinct fundamentally written into his bones now since Gryffindors were always the main instigators of his bullying.

The girl was alone - but that didn't have to mean she wasn't here to attack. She seemed to be at least one if not two years older and must have a big repertory of spells to use against him. Now being placed so far from the entrance and mostly hidden from view worked against him since he didn't know if Madam Pierce would see if he was hexed. 

At least she wouldn't blindly listen to the Gryffindor if a fight broke out and Severus had to defend himself. What made her the big expectation in the castle and earned much respect from Severus. In return he took special care of every book of hers he touched. 

Still, even with Madam Pierce remaining neutral, any fight would almost certainly end with him summoned to the headmaster’s office - and then come the uncomfortable questions about who he really was, since he was not on the students list. It was far better to avoid conflict altogether.

He really didn't want to cut his time short since he was making great progress on his assignment, but what choice did he have? So he pulled his possessions closer ready to throw them into his satchel all while he never took his eyes off the Gryffindor - who looked annoyed as hell.

"Jezz. I'm not about to hex you. Talk about prejudice." She complained arms crossed before her chest - terrible attack position but most likely a trick.

"Is it prejudice if it is true? If I end up in the hospital wing it is always a Gryffindor." Severus bit back before going still, heart hammering in his chest. His temper had gotten the better of him and instead of retreating as planned he had provoked an already pissed Gryff.

This was bad, very very bad. But instead of attacking she just winced.

"Okay, that's fair. But I'm not about to attack you. Not all of us are brainless brutes, some of us actually have goals in life and the intellect to reach them." She defended herself. Severus for his part doubted it - not that they were smart Gryffindors, but that their intellect could be used for something besides pranks and idiocy. So he just bit his lip and stayed quiet.

"Which is why I need that book to check something. That's cool with you?" No, it was not cool with Severus, far from it. But what else could he do but give in? If he denied she just had to be a bit louder to complain and people would flock to curse out the evil Slytherin. he would have to continue his own work tomorrow and hope the Gryffindor was done by then.

He nodded even if the injustice made him want to cry. She smiled brightly. She didn't grab the book. Instead, her satchel landed on the ground with a thud and she pulled out the chair across from Severus. Sitting down she dragged the book across, flipping through the pages to the section she needed - only after she marked the previous page with a piece from a Muggle memo-pad.

It was bizarre and Severus just sat there blinking, his stuff still protected in his arms unsure if he should pack up or not.

"Relax, you act like I'm about to eat you. Sorry to disappoint you but you need to put on some weight before I would even consider it." She flipped the page, and her eyes never stopped racing across the words even as she spoke - it was impressive. "Just gimme five minutes to refresh my memory and you can have it back while I start writing my assignment, and then we take turns. And to sweeten the deal since you had the book first I will even give you a tip for your assignment that gave me full marks back when I was as tiny as you are. Your Snakes like deals, right?" Severus nodded. He wouldn't trust her word, since she could lie and turn his assignment in the wrong direction, but listening wouldn't hurt. And sharing - even if he hated having someone in his space, beat having to stop for the day. 

Even if he didn't understand her intention, since she could have just taken the book. Plus an upperclassmen never revealed how to score better in class unless you paid them in some way. 

She was a fast reader and it wasn't even five minutes when she put another piece of paper between the pages, flipped back to the previous spot, and pushed the book back towards Severus.

"I'm Clara, seventh-year, Muggleborn. You?" She held out his hand like a challenge daring him to say anything about her blood status. 

Once more today Severus was stumped on what to do. Not only because no pure-blood in his house had ever offered their hand to a low half-blood like him, but because he had no name. He was so used to being unapproachable that he had never thought he would have to talk to people. The voice-changing potion was something he had only taken in case he needed to ask Madam Pierce something.

The longer the hand was held between them the more awkward things became as Clara's smile grew colder and colder.

"Fifth year. Half-blood" He hadn’t dared use Sev or any other shortened version of his real name - too paranoid it could somehow be traced back to him..

The Gryffindor's eyes sparkled. "Half-blood ey. How did you end up in Slytherin? Though all of them had a stick up their ass or something."

Sev shrugged. He could have gone on about his ambitions of making his life better, but it was private and not something openly shared.

"Alright be all dark and mysterious. You have to keep up your Slytherin image. I can respect that."

Severus didn't respond, instead slowly pushing his things back in order as he returned to the book, his eyes flickering up every few sentences to check if Clara was doing something besides scratching something with her pen - like a rabbit waiting to dash off to its den if the need should arise.

After a few minutes, she looked up again. “I meant it about the tip. For Flitwick’s assignment - the one on compound charms? Everyone’s going to try layering the Binding Hex with the basic Flame-Freezing charm, right?”

He tilted his head slightly. She wasn’t wrong.

“Well, they’ll get a decent result, but if you thread in a Delayed Activation modifier, page 112, second diagram, before you seal the compound, the effect stabilizes and you can weave in an Amplification Sigil at the end without it unraveling. Trick is that you have to anchor the first charm with intention-based focus. Silent casting helps.”

She leaned forward conspiratorially. “It’s messy the first few times, but if you get it right, the spell won’t just hold - it’ll resonate. Flitwick loves that sort of thing. Had to redo mine twice last year, but he gave me full marks in the end.”

Severus blinked. That… actually was useful. And more complex than anything he'd dared try with layering. The kind of insight you didn’t just share with someone you saw as competition.

“…Thanks,” he said slowly, suspicious but genuine. “That… might help.”

“No problem, mystery Slytherin,” she said, grinning again, this time a little softer. “And if you ever decide to have a name, feel free to let me know. I’ll try not to curse it.”

He huffed but his shoulders relaxed at her words.

~*~

After that not-so-terrible day in the library - and the resonating O from Flitwick, accompanied by five minutes of gushing about how much more advanced his work was than everyone else's - Severus became a permanent fixture in the library. Even if only under the identity potion.

It was nice to see his grades improve before his eyes and he even learned to deal with the other people in the library, despite still being very much for avoiding all contact. But by now he nodded back or waved when it was required and that kept most people off his back. 

Well, that and Clara - who was calling him Mister Slytherin or her Snake every chance she got. She had swept in when he had been cornered by some Puffs wanting help with their homework and getting agitated when Snape wasn't answering their question - or any verbal cue at all. But having a group of people, all at least a head taller standing around you while you sat was intimidating. Just when he thought he had to hex his way out Clara had swooped in and told them to stop intimidating her Snake, because he was skittish. Which was rude, but Severus had been too glad to have the Puffs back off to correct the misunderstanding. 

With Clara there as a buffer - and to even out the numbers should a fight break out - he had even been comfortable enough to share his work so the Puffs could at least see how the Arithmancy formula had to look even if Clara was the one explaining how he got to these results. 

From then on, things were… good. Whenever he entered the library, all he had to do was find the large desk where Clara was inevitably tutoring a cluster of students, and sit down. No matter how crowded the room got, there was always space for him.

He didn’t mind the talking - if anything, the gentle hum of background chatter was oddly soothing. It felt safe. Familiar, even. For the first time, he began to understand the Hufflepuff group mindset. It was much easier to trust a collective when you weren’t constantly calculating who might try to stab you in the back.

Even if he was sitting with others no one bothered him. They offered him greetings and the occasional snacks but if he didn't want to talk he didn't have to, and if he didn't want to share his notes they knew better than to protest since Clara was not above kicking them out of the study group for pushing. No one even made a fuss about him not sharing his name and it became sort of an inside joke. After all, he was their token Slytherin, their mascot to show everyone all four houses could work together without fighting. Something that brought them 10 points for each house when McGonnegal saw them sitting together for the first time.

He spent so much time in the library now, he had to block dedicated time slots for Regulus, not wanting to make his best friend feel neglected. Not that Regulus would ever admit it if he did, but he was Severus's friend and therefore way more important than library acquaintances. Severus had to make sure he didn't regret sticking with Severus. 

Although whenever he returned from meeting Cara and her students and talked about them Regulus always looked very proud so he must be doing something right.

But then the Marauders had to come and mess things up - or more accurately Sirius Black messed things up.

Today, Severus was the first to arrive in the library. With a free period and Regulus still trapped in class, he had made his way there early to claim one of the large tables for their study group before they were all snatched up. He figured he’d get a head start on his homework and by now, their group was familiar enough that no one would intrude in the space Severus had clearly marked for them.

Or at least, that’s what he thought.

A shadow fell across his desk. 

Looking up, Severus allowed himself a brief moment of ease, expecting to see one of the usual group, having slipped away from class early, eager to secure their usual seat. But instead, his gaze locked with a pair of eyes that froze the breath in his chest.

They were grey. Familiar. But where Regulus’s silver gaze meant safety, calm, and a quiet kind of loyalty, this pair spelled nothing but dread.

Sirius Black stood across the table, hands in his pockets, expression unreadable.

What the hell did Sirius Black want? Had he realized? Was Severus' comfortable time about to be over?

The big smile on Black's face spoke of his evil intention.

"Finally. It is hard to get you without your guard dogs. I thought Morven was going to bite my head off for even looking in your direction." Morven? Who the hell was Morven? Wait, maybe he meant Clara. Severus thought he saw something with M written on the front of one of her books. Not that it mattered. What mattered was Sirius Black - who was standing right next to him. While Severus was alone and without protection.

His breath caught in his throat, and his fingers clenched the edge of the table so tightly his knuckles went white. Just past Sirius, he could see the rest of the Marauders - Potter, Pettigrew, and worst of all, Lupin - loitering by the far bookshelf, watching. Not coming closer. Not interfering. At least not yet.

It felt hauntingly familiar. Only last time it had ended with Lupin being sent flying.

“Relax. I come in peace.”

Peace. Right.

Severus’s voice came out brittle. “What do you want, Black?”

Sirius leaned in, face filled with delight. "You know my name!" 

A snort behind them made it clear the rest of his ragtag group was listening to their every word. Rubbing his neck in embarrassment, Black coughed before continuing “Honestly? Just wanted to see if you were as pretty up close as you looked across the library the other day. The verdict’s still out, but I’m leaning toward yes.”

Severus blinked. What?

His eyes darted to the rest of the pack. This had to be a joke, a prank, maybe a punishment for a lost bet. Any second they would burst out laughing and make fun of him for believing it. They all had somber faces.

He glanced down at his tie. Green. Slytherin green. Good to see Black’s precious principles only lasted until a pretty face came along.

He realized too late that he’d said it out loud.

To his horror, Sirius barked a laugh - actual, amused laughter, like that had been the funniest thing he’d heard all day.

“Well, I'm a hypocrite, I’ll give you that,” he said, resting a hand on the back of Severus’s chair as if they were old friends. “But what can I say? You’re my type.”

Severus stared at him like he’d grown two heads.

“I’m a boy,” he said flatly, trying to inject as much venom into the words as possible.

Sirius raised a brow. “Yeah, I figured that out when you spoke.”

Severus’s brain stuttered. “Then… what are you still doing here?”

Sirius smirked. “You’re pretty, and I’m bi. Do the math.”

Severus had officially had enough.

He stood so abruptly the chair legs scraped across the floor, nearly tipping over. “You’re insane,” he snapped, shoving past Sirius’s arm with more force than necessary.

“Guilty,” Sirius called after him cheerfully. “But I'm still interested!”

Severus didn’t respond. He bolted for the exit, heart pounding, heat prickling at the back of his neck. This had to be a nightmare, a hallucination brought on by too much use of his potion. All Severus had to do was sleep and tomorrow things would be back to normal.

~*~

It was never that easy.

Severus was nearly out of the library when he heard the familiar sound of footsteps behind him - unhurried, confident, and far too familiar. He didn't need to turn to know who it was.

"For the love of-" he muttered under his breath. "Do you live to ruin my peace?"

"Not quite," came the voice, smooth and annoyingly amused. "But lately, following you around has been a hobby. Your annoyed face is just adorable."

Severus stopped mid-step, spinning around. "You're like a dog with a bone, you know that? Worse than Potter ever was with Evans" he had to stop himself from saying Lily. First of all, he no longer had that right. Secondly, he would have given himself away since only a single Slytherin had ever used her first name.

Sirius grinned. "I've been called worse. Besides, James is kinda my brother and stuff so being obsessed with people out of our league runs in the family I guess."

Severus’s lip curled.

How dare he.

How dare he call Potter family while cutting off his real one like they were nothing. How dare he look Regulus in the eye and pretend he didn’t exist. Regulus, who was better than Potter in every way that mattered.

"You are repulsing" Severus spit out, barely holding back from hexing Sirius.

Sirius flinched, true hurt flickering over his face and Severus felt nothing but glee. "What have I said wrong? Is this about those rumors? Me and James? They’re bollocks. He’s like family.”"

“You don’t even know what family means,” Severus said coldly. “You’re just a selfish, arrogant bastard who wouldn’t know how to care about someone if it hexed you in the face.”

“I do know what it feels like,” Sirius snapped. “I love my friends. I love my found family.” His voice dropped. “And I love you.”

The sheer determination with which Sirius spoke shocked Severus. Even for a prank, this was going a bit far. Especially since their argument had caught everyone's attention - even Madam Pierce had put her book down, but so far was not stepping in too interested in the gossip. By tomorrow the whole castle would know Sirius confessing to a Slytherin - completely ruining his reputation. Was a bet really worth that?

"You don’t even know my name." If Black didn't want to admit to the prank first Severus would show him how obvious it was that he was lying.

"Well, you could just tell me," Sirius said easily, hands tucked into his pockets. "Unless you're planning to stay a mystery forever. Adds to the charm, though."

Severus stared at him like he’d grown a second head. "What is wrong with you?"

Sirius tilted his head, a smile softening but not fading. "I like you."

"No, you don’t."

"Sure I do."

"You can’t," Severus snapped. "You don’t know me. You like how I talk back, maybe, or that I don’t worship the ground you strut on, but that’s not the same. You think I’m some entertaining puzzle."

"You’re more than that," Sirius said quietly, and for once, without a trace of smugness.

Sirius’s expression held, open and oddly sincere, and Severus hated how disarming that was. It made his skin crawl - not because it was a trick, but because it didn’t feel like one. And that, somehow, was worse.

Severus straightened, folding his arms like armor. “What do you even want from me? A date? A kiss? A bloody laugh?” His voice was sharp, a blade honed on years of mockery.

"I would never laugh at you." Sirius insisted and the irony tasted like ash in Severus' mouth.

"I really don't understand what you are thinking." Severus could just shake his head at the stupidity he was faced with.

“Then ask me.”

Severus blinked. “Ask you what?”

“Anything,” Sirius said. “About myself. Or better yet - let me ask you.”

“No.”

“C’mon. What’s the worst that happens? You hate me?” It was said jokingly as if Sirius saw no way anyone could ever hate him - charming, funny, good-looking Sirius.

“I already do,” Severus said, louder than intended. His voice echoed off the high shelves.

A hush fell around them - eyes still watching. Whispers already forming.

Sirius’s smile faded. “You really hate me that much?”

“Yes.” A beat. “More than anyone else.”

Sirius didn’t move for a long second - too long - and Severus braced himself for the bark of laughter, the theatrical clutch at his heart, the inevitable mockery. It would be easier that way. Predictable. Familiar.

But it didn’t come.

Sirius looked… hurt. Just genuinely confused and disappointed.

Then without a word he walked past Severus and disappeared, the rest of the Marauders scrambling to follow in obvious panic. It didn't feel like victory. It was just a terrible taste in Severus' mouth.

~*~

The situation wouldn't leave Severus' head while he stormed fuming back to the common room, barleys taking the time to change and take the counterpotion on his way down. Once inside he just stormed into Regulus' dorm room without knocking glaring daggers until Regulus' roommates fled the premises. Only then did he throw himself on Regulus' bed.

“Your brother is deranged,” Severus snapped without preamble.

Regulus froze mid-sentence, quill hovering above the parchment he was working on. “Oh no,” he muttered. “What did he do now?”

“He confessed his undying love to me. In the library. Loudly. In front of Madam Pince, Regulus. Pince. Do you know what it’s like to be stared at by everyone? I could feel the judgment.”

Regulus blinked, eyebrows climbing. “I’m sorry. Did you say love?”

“Yes!” Severus hissed. “Love. L-O-V-E. Like some melodramatic bard.”

Regulus groaned and dropped his forehead to the table. “Oh, for Merlin’s sake.”

“He said he loved me, Regulus. And then asked me to ask him anything. As if I wanted to know more about him! As if this is some sort of sick joke. I told him I hated him and he looked sad. Can you imagine? Sad! What did he expect proposing to a Slytherin, especially in public” Severus was on a roll now, the frustration bubbling out of his chest.

Regulus lifted his head again, face tight with secondhand embarrassment. “I really didn’t need to know about my brother’s love life.”

“Well, I didn’t need to become it,” Severus snapped.

Regulus ran a hand down his face. “Why is this happening to me ? ”

"To you?! Excuse me, I'm here to complain to you about your deranged family, not the other way round."

"And still I'm the one suffering. Now I know. Couldn't you have left me in blissful ignorance" Regulus begged.

"He proposed. IN PUBLIC. The whole castle knows by now. Would you rather hear it from me or have some second-year walk up to you and ask about your brother's love life tomorrow." 

Regulus sighed, running a hand through his hair as if trying to straighten out the mess of thoughts. “Fine, I’ll take it from you rather than some gossip-hungry second year. But honestly, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.”

Severus snorted. “Laugh, probably. Because if I cried, I’d never stop until graduation.”

“Fair enough.” Regulus leaned back, rubbing his temples. “But seriously, what are you going to do about him? Sirius, I mean.”

Severus’s eyes darkened. “What do you think? I’m not exactly falling head over heels.”

"Just be careful. With his constant attention, it would be easy to slip off and reveal your identity. And you just made some friends, it would be a shame for my brother to mess that up as well. He is great at ruining others' lives like that." Regulus sounded resigned.

The familiar anger was back in Severus' chest. Regulus still hurt and Sirius had completely forgotten about him moving on to find a new family. No, a man like that had no right to speak about love.

Chapter Text

Once more Severus sat in the library looking nothing like himself, thick tomes surrounding him, in stacks whose structural integrity was quite questionable. But he couldn't help himself, now that he was able to persuade whatever topic he wished to without being prosecuted for his choices - even if said choices differed from usual reading and leaned towards the dark arts. Or as dark as Dumbledore allowed in his precious library - as if being in the mere presence of slightly controversial texts could lead students to becoming the next Dark Lord. Perhaps he should bring up burning dictionaries as well - there had to be some ‘evil’ words in there as well.

It was a miracle that he could make jokes about it now, after years of being shunned for his taste and hiding it. In the beginning he had also been cautious not to be seen with any books that could be questioned by his new acquaintances. No matter how friendly they acted towards him, he was still a Slytherin. They may have forgotten the color of his tie for now, but if he gave them a reminder - lets just say peoples goodwill could shift quicker than a Snitch during a professional match. 

He just couldn’t risk that, not when things finally went well for him and he had a safe environment for his studies. If he stopped being polite and showed them too much of his true nature they would cast him out of their group - and where would he be then? At the very start, shunned by everyone, unable to do something as simple as read a book without being attacked. Or worse, ignored like he was when he was his usual self, with only his best friend to talk to and his tormentors acknowledging his presence to taunt him.

No he needed this, the escape, the chance to feel like a person again.

So he had tried to hide anything that could be seen as unsettling, or not strictly curriculum-approved and only did coursework that stuck to the professor’s lesson plan. It helped him keep up with his homework, but left him dissatisfied, since he couldn’t quell his thirst for knowledge - having to stick to mind-numbingly boring topics after being done with his assignments.

Everything of interest - curse studies, spellcrafting and poison brewing - had to be cramped in the small free time he still had between staying in the good grace of the study group, so he wouldn’t lose his new safe haven, and hanging out with Regulus not wanting to offend his only friend. 

He stuck with that routine even if he felt like he was wasting his time, fearing the alternative., 

It could have gone on like this until the day he finally graduated - or more likely Clara did in half a year, and all goodwill the group had towards him vanished with her. And it would have if it wasn’t for one incident. Severus had a bad day, not because of bad grades or something the Marauders did - they still hadn’t hexed him and their attempts to corner him had gotten a lot less persistent after being bested by Severus the past times. In fact nothing of note had really happened, it was a normal day like any other. Only Severus had woken up, dread in his bones, nerves on edge. And with no logic to fight it, all he could do was endure it.

So he did the only thing he knew would help - throwing himself in magical studies so complex, it didn’t leave room for anything else. Hidden in the depths of the library, in the Stellar Cartography section - a collection of ancient star charts of the last centuries all collecting dust. Modern magic offered more precise, enchanted instruments that tracked celestial movements in real time, making the old scrolls and maps little more than curiosities. The only reason why this section even still existed was  that every few years, a rare celestial event would occur - one so complex and unpredictable that the enchanted instruments couldn’t fully account for it. At those moments, students were forced to turn back to these ancient charts - not that they understand any of it. But checking them out to fumble around for an hour before giving up was enough for Madam Pierce to keep this section. 

Which was good news for Severus and his need for solitude. He could lean against a shelf hidden from the world with none the wiser that he was even here.

The book in his hand was decisively not from this mind-numbing section. ‘ A History of Magical Warfare by Modesty Ravnott’ despite being shelved under History, was neither dull nor particularly insightful for its recounting of events. Instead of the usual long-winded descriptions that could rival Professor Binns in their ability to bore students to sleep, this text offered a surprisingly concise catalog of dark curses and blood magic. While it didn’t delve too deeply into the methods themselves, it provided a clear overview of what was possible - and which names to research if one wanted to explore the subject further.

So something not appropriate for a school library in the slightest. But whoever classified the books - not madam Pierce she would have noticed - must have not looked too carefully. Properly bored by the first forty pages which were an incoherent mess, introducing new names every two sentences without explaining how every person was connected to each until everything turned into a confused mess more convoluted than pureblood family trees. No doubt a deliberate move by the author to avoid the book being banned - keeping this treasure trove for Dark Arts enthusiasts readily available on library shelves.

Severus’ eye flew over the page, drinking in every word desperately, his mind finally challenged and his nerves relaxing. Beside him squeezed in the small space of a shelf where the maps weren’t packed densely, a beat up notebook he was frantically scribbling in names and authors to look up later.

This task held his full focus. Until it was too late to prevent the disaster.

"My Little Snake~" The cheerful sing-sang rang out behind him and Severus froze instantly, recognizing who had managed to snuck up behind him. Of all people it had to be Clara who found him when he was so desperate to hide what he was doing. 

Frozen as he was, he could just stand there as Clara rounded him and leaned on the opposite shelf with a big smile on her face - running would have made him only look even more guilty as would hiding the book behind his back. He could only hope she read the title and assumed he got caught up in some boring research for Binns.

 "What are you reading?" She waved her hand demanding he handed over what he was reading but made sure not to touch him doing so, a fact he always appreciated, especially since she was very touchy with everyone else.

"Nothing!" Severus yelped. He might as well have screamed, I’m reading something forbidden I don't want anyone to know about . Which wasn't a good look for anyone but especially not for a Slytherin - they were supported to be cunning and smart and not a fumbling idiot that gave themselves away under the slightest pressure. At least now he knew becoming a spy was not in his cards for the future.

"Mh," the judgement was obvious in her voice and the single raised eyebrow. "So this isn't a 

Dark Arts dictionary masquerading as history text?"

"Have you read it?!" It was just too shocking to think a Gryffindor would touch something related to the Dark Arts without spontaneous combating, that Severus made the second blunder in under two minutes.

Maybe he should recheck the appearance-change potion, it hadn’t had any side effects so far, and even the safety test he had finally had time to run had come back alright. But with things as they were he had the slight suspicion that it didn’t only alter his appearance, but also had an influence on his personality. How else could one explain he was finally so soft he hung out with other houses and his brain to mouth filter had disappeared?

"I did. Not my cup of tea personally, but to each their own and all that." She was still smiling - why was she still smiling? Shouldn't she be angry? Shouldn't she scream and curse him now? Instead, she leaned against her shelf with a satisfied little hum. “I’m just glad my little snake is finally acting like a proper Slytherin. You had me worried there for a while.”

Okay, apparently it wasn't just Severus who was saying nonsense - she had clearly lost her mind. No one could be happy about him looking into the Dark Arts - least of all a Gryffindor. But apparently that was the new reality Severus was now living in. Why had he thought this whole thing was a good idea? Ahh, yes the improvement in grades and having some peace. Although the last one was questionable at best. 

It took some time and lots of coaxing until he was comfortable enough to let the rest of the study group in on his interests. And then it was more Clara steamrolling him than him making a decision. She just handed  him a book, obviously of questionable morality, one day while the study session was in full swing. And no one cared. They all just accepted it, in fact they glared at every passer by looking at his book too intensely. 

The very thing that had gotten him outcast in his first year and painted a target on his back to this day was suddenly not a big deal anymore.

He could just read as much as he wanted about his niche interests and the only comments he got was Regulus joked about him turning into a Ravenclaw - let him see if he could still laugh when Severus refused to help him before the next exam. Okay, so he knew himself that the moment Regulus looked at him with wide eyes he would give in and help, but one could dream about being steadfast and going through with promised consequences.

But the whole situation made Severus wonder what could have happened if he had sat with someone else in the train during his first day at Hogwarts. If he hadn't met the Marauders but someone else would his life have been different - could he have been happy the last few years? Was it just their prejudices that had damned him?

As if to prove that they were indeed the epitome of everything that had gone wrong in his life, the mere thought of them summoned the Marauders.

Severus could have really done without, as he had changed his appearance specifically to avoid them, but Sirius Black had to ruin such plans with his confession.. 

Severus tensed, he always did when they got in range to hex him - by now he couldn't stop himself as his body reacted on pure instinct. His eyes flickered around taking everything in - tier position, possible escape routes, obstacles he could throw in their way, bystanders he could use as shields - not wanting to be taken off guard. To his surprise on Potter's left was a slight gap, one usually occupied by Black, and now inadequately filled by Pettigrew.

It looked like the mutt was still licking his wounds from Severus' brutal rejection. Like Severus had estimated the whole school had heard about the incident the coming morning. Severus - or the nameless Slytherin which was apparently his moniker now - got away with being called a bit cold, but very steadfast and rational. Frankly, he was surprised no one had accused him of slipping Black a love potion. Then again, he was still adjusting to the strange experience of being given the benefit of the doubt, rather than being automatically blamed for anything that went wrong.

In contrast Black got the brute end of the rumours that were floating around. Which wouldn’t have bothered Severus - even brought him some glee - if it also didn’t throw some shade on Regulus as well. 

he insults hurled at the older Black ranged from calling him a complete idiot for falling - and worse, confessing - to a snake, to branding him a scarce to the house of Gryffindor, accusing him of conspiring with the enemy, and finally, ending with a few dramatic threats to his life for the sheer audacity of such a betrayal.

And that was only what Severus heard in a single morning, after that it got so annoying he deployed his exceptionally well developed selective hearing and ignored all the gossip. 

But it was undeniable that Black’s reputation had taken a major hitt. So it was no wonder he didn't dare to leave his dorm room to venture in the library and add some more fuel to the fire by being seen in Severus' vicinity.

Instead he had sent his minions to do his bidding - aka get revenge on Severus for rejecting him and ruining his reputation. As if it was Severus' fault. He hadn't asked for Black's attention and if the fool had to bother him he would have much preferred a private confession so Severus’ life didn’t become the school's entertainment. But the Marauders would never see it that way. In their eyes they could do no wrong and everybody else was always at fault. Pretentious brats.

As Severus tensed everyone else at the table did as well. One after another stopped what they were doing, putting down their books, quills or snacks. The people beside Severus closed rank, their chairs scraping as they pushed closer to him. It was meant to be comforting, but to someone so unaccustomed to touch - beside Regulus occasionally having enough and taking charge of his hair - it was shocking and his heart fluttered in panic at having people in his personal space.

His distress must have shown on his face, only people reached the wrong conclusion as Clara stood, fury in her face, puffing up as she faced the Gryffindors. "What the hell do you want?!" 

Severus had never seen her so pissed. She was crass, unapologetic but with an underlying kindness. Never lost her cheerful smile when she had to explain something five times and the other person still didn't get it. When she had defended Severus before she had been protective, but always calm, getting people to back off without starting a fight. This was different - this was a Kneazle hissing and baring its claws to protect its litter.

"Wow easy there, Morven, we are not here to cause trouble." Potter tried to defuse the situation, but his easy smile was ineffective against her furry.

"Sure you are. What other reason is there for you to get close to my Snake? Didn't Black already cause enough problems with the little stunt he pulled?" Once more Severus didn't really know how to handle Clara calling him hers. Like he belonged. That never happened since his mother stopped referring to him as her little darling - his father always lost his temper hearing it, making them pay for such insolence. He was also Regulus' there was no denying it, just as much as Regulus was his, but they never put it into words - it made it easier to ignore the emotions none of them wanted to handle. But Clara had no such qualms and once more Severus was caught between dread, for she didn't know who she was claiming, and pleasure at being wanted by someone.

"Listen about Sirius..." Potter stopped and for the first time since Severus had seen him in first year looked uncomfortable. "It is. He-" A frustrated sight as Potter mused his own hair. Was this... trouble in paradise? The great Potter and Black for once not joined at the hip but fighting? The world was about to end.

"What we want to say is that Sirius was not playing around or joking. His proposal, as fumbled as it was, was genuine." Lupin stepped in. Severus could just blink. They had to be lying right? Try to sell Black's prank where it fell flat? That was the only explanation.

"Right. See I have no idea why or how or what he even sees in you. No offense." Potter's eyes flicked over Severus' form and he looked almost pained. "But my brother has decided that you are it and so I have to make an effort as well. So that's it. Me trying to get to know you." Okay that sounded so abstruse that it could be the truth. Or well the truth the Marauders believed. They really stuck together like nothing else. Would Regulus do the same? Should Severus fall for a Gryffindor? Not that he ever would -  he had standards after all - but would he? 

"Get off your high horse. My snake is ten times better then you and being allowed to get close to him without him running off is a privilege you could never understand. So don't act like you are doing him a favor. Now piss off before I forget myself!" A deep blush covered Severus' face at the praise. He knew Clara was fond of him, but he had never realized the extent. He thought he was just some amusement for her. 

Potter tried to protest, but with Clara getting her wand and most of the others following the Marauders made the wise decision to flee before things could escalate.

"You okay?" asked Maisie Hartwell, the Hufflepuff-girl who he had seen share her ink the first day Severus was disguised in the library. She had joined the study session shortly after Severus since she enjoyed the 'air of concentrated geniusity' Severus gave off, whatever that may mean. She behind Clara was the driving force of trying to make Severus feel like part of the group, and rarely a day went by when she wasn't trying to shove some baked goods at him, that she made together with her house-elve friends. She was also never to meet Regulus ever or their combined forces trying to keep Severus feed would destroy the world. Or just Severus' peace, which would be equally horrifying. 

Eliot Rowle, a fifth-year in Ravenclaw just nodded at him. He rarely spoke, and his in depth discussions about Arithmetic or spell crafting theory were mostly him handing over a full blown essay about whatever topic caught his attention and expecting some answer from Severus. Verbal or in written form didn't matter. What was nice about Eliot was that he didn't dismiss Severus when their opinion didn't match, or took Severus' word as gospel without thinking for himself. He just disappeared behind his books, and when his thoughts were ordered he handed over a new paper with a new aspect, an upgraded theory or even a counter to Severus'. In fact these 'talks' were the most challenging academic discussions Severus had since entering Hogwarts, and he had challenged some professors in the past. 

It also had the side effect of making Sarah Rowle, his sister, third year very happy for providing so much enrichment for her brother. She had been very sceptical of Severus at first, because he was a Slytherin. And snakes seemed to be the main instigators for making fun of her brother - despite his intelligence he was socially challenged. But Severus finding communication challenging as well hadn't even blinked when Eliot handed him a paper with a short greeting and had just asked if he preferred if Severus answered on paper as well or if a verbal response was acceptable. Since then Sarah was very adamant to stop any socially challenging situation from overwhelming them, throwing herself between them and whoever was bothering them.

"I'm fine," he reassured and was surprised he meant it. With Clara and the rest as buffer between him and the thread of the Marauder he was calm. Not relaxed or safe but calm. There was no way the Marauders would win if they started a fight with everyone ready to defend Severus.

With the commotion over Severus settled back down to continue his books during a now hopefully uneventful afternoon. He got lost in the world of Nicholas Flamel and the countless ways he danced around speaking about the creation of the philosophizer stone - how one man could say so much without anything substantial was impressive. Which was why he also had five books from other authors who were desperately trying to uncover Flamel’s secrets.

Alchemy was fascinating and shared many traits with potion crafting making for quite an interesting read. Obviously none of the other authors had figured out the process of creating the stone yet or they would be off enjoying their immortality instead of writing books - but you could learn a lot from others failures, beyond ruling out possible combinations and creation methods. 

The texts were highly advanced, especially when cross referencing them to come up with your own theories. But Severus was still able to follow even if the knowledge Hogwarts taught about alchemy was rudimentary at best - thanks to a mild obsession and many extra hours reading in third year. He might have had this crazy idea of getting rid of the Marauders, quite permanently if he said so, without using the subject of Potion who would have made him the main suspect. Fortunately for them, he'd also done his research into law enforcement and magical investigations - and concluded that, as a mere student, he lacked both the means and opportunity to get away with it.

At least the knowledge was useful now to follow the debate if the blood of a virgin was one of the main ingredients or not well enough - it wasn’t Severus was sure of that.He wasn’t yet on a level where he himself could start experimenting to create a stone of immortality - that would need far more practice in basic alchemy. But it was still interesting to see why some attempts failed and come up with his own theories on how it could have been improved, not to actually create something on the level of the philosopher's stone, but  to prevent explosions and have something useful at the end.

One might expect he would get obsessed with it like so many before him - spend all his free time trying to uncover Flamel's secret, invest the meager amounts of money he had. But Severus was a Potioner at heart. So even if he dabbled in other crafts, and alchemy would be useful to create his ingredients for his potions he could never be happy spending all his time doing just that. If he wanted immortality he would create his own potion to archive this not just copy someone else's work. Not that he wanted to, his life wasn't worthwhile enough to waste time trying to prolong it - maybe in a few decades when he had become a Potions Master and was rich and famous with his own workshop he would revisit the idea to have more time creating things, but for now it was just a fascinating read that improved his understanding of alchemy.

"So are you aspiring to create your own stone and become immortal?" Severus frowned at the curious voice which rudely interrupted his thought progress and made him splosh some ink on his paper as he crushed the tip of his feather. He really should say fuck tradition and start using Muggle pens in the open even if it ruined his Slytherin image. Way more durable, less messy and cheaper. 

Despite his irritation, he still answered while furiously cleaning ink from his fingers, damn he was going soft. "No, why would I do that? To suffer endlessly?" Yes Regulus, Severus had the right to be dramatic, he wouldn't get the ink out of his skin for days and the feather had been one of his favorites because it went over the paper very smootly. "It is entertaining and a good way to improve once understanding of the underlying concepts, but not something I would waste my time with for now."

"You don't want to live forever? That doesn't seem pretty ambitious. I thought every Slytherin would want to create a reign that lasts forever?" Did she really just say that?!

Okay, now Severus was getting irritated. He could play nice with others, especially since they were usually not that blunt about their dislike of his house and him, but accusing him so openly, not even his admiration of Clara would make him overlook this. If the person couldn't handle it they shouldn't have opened her mouth to insult Severus. 

"Listen here, just because we all share the trait of not being a doormat and wanting our life to have some meaning doesn't mean all of us want world domination. Or are you gonna say all Gryffindors are dumb like rocks, have only muscles and lack self preservation?" Severus was on a roll, icy glare ready to spear whoever dared to open their mouth. Only to meet startling green. Familiar green. Framed by red strands of hair.

He shirked, unmanly but completely justified in this situation. After all, Lily Evans was sitting next to him, looking at him with wide shocked eyes.

Severus jumped up, his chair clattering to the floor and rounded the table, never taking his eyes off her. How was she here? Why had no one stopped her? 

All conversation around them had stopped, even at the neighbouring tables as everyone watched the spectacle before them. Their gazes only manage to push Severus even further towards a breakdown.

He allowed his eyes to flicker to Clara, who he had come to a stop next to, betrayal on his face. Why hadn't she stopped this?

"Hey little Snake. It's okay. She is a good one." No it wasn't okay. Lily was... she had been... they... he couldn't think clearly, everything was overwhelming.

His eyes flickered to Lily and he was surprised to see the shock and.... was that guilt? No, he had to imagine it. He was just a Snake, one of the people she had ranted about when she had still been on speaking terms with his main identity, why would she feel guilty just because her words were hurtful. Not that Severus really cared for her words as he was too preoccupied with her being here at all.

"I'm sorry." Lily looked regretful as she spoke. "That was rude. I let my tongue get away from me. Can we start over?" She smiled and the pain in Severus' chest intensified. 

"I can vouch for her. We have studied together before and she was always kind. Smart too, I bet you will get along great if you give her a chance." Sarah's encouragement was meant to calm him, but it didn't help. Severus knew they would get along, had done so in the past, just as he knew how painful it would be to be betrayed again and dropped once Lily found better people. He couldn't go through this again.

"I can go," Lily offered, willing to be the better person. Severus should let her go. Should make it clear she wasn't wanted. Her being here was dangerous. Despite their falling out and time spent apart she was the person that knew him best after Regulus. Properly better than his own mother which he only saw during summer vocation. Every second she spent next to him, it would be more likely she would notice who he was. It was a danger he shouldn't take, as he now had a peaceful existence to protect.

"No, stay," was what came out of his mouth instead. Because he couldn't let her go not like this. Despite everything he missed her. No one, not Regulus, not Cara or another member of the study group could fill the void in his chest she had left. Instead they had craved their own space leaving the gaping wound untouched. 

"Are you sure" Clara sounded worried. Severus stood up straight and hid his shaking fingers in his sleeves before others decided it was too much for him and sent Lily away in his stead. Severus couldn't have that. Now that he had seen her again without the threat of the marauders next to ehr he couldn't just let her go.

Striding over to his chair again she picked it up but hesitated for a moment. Sitting right next to her, despite his wish to be close again, was too much. He just couldn't do it. 

Pushing his chair in the small space between Sarah and Merle, Sarah's friend who irregularly attested the sessions, he was pleased to see them eagerly make space and pull Severus' materials towards him. 

Like this with a buffer between them Severus felt a lot saver. People returned to their work, conversation picked back up again. Severus piled the books in front of him like a protective shield, their titles turned down, his eyes flickering over to Lily every few minutes, who was happily chatting with the person next to her. Then their eyes met and Severus froze, just as Lily sent him a blinding smile. He hunched, pulling a random book up to hide behind it. 

It was wrong - just a few weeks ago Severus would have never openly showed such weakness. He would have met Lily's gaze head on just to prove he wasn't bothered. But he had gotten soft under everyone's protection, allowing himself to show emotions.

There was some giggling and cooing but that was it, people let it slide, didn't attack, just accepted. They were at fault for him becoming compliant and losing his edge.

Severus kept the book raised until he felt confident enough to face Lily once more. She was still smiling. Only because she didn't know who he truly was. Otherwise she wouldn't show such kindness. It hurt.

When he held her gaze without looking away she spoke up. "I mean it. About starting over... if you want to. I would understand if you don't after what I said."

Severus' fingers tightened around the book. A chance to start over. How he longed for it. If only it wasn't for someone else, someone that he was not. if only Lily had come to him while he was not under the influence of the potion. But she didn't. She was always with Potter, firmly on the Marauders side.

“People say things they don’t mean all the time,” he muttered, because he knew that should he accept it would only break his heart again. It was already cracking just sitting here with her.

"I'm serious. It may not look like it with the way I was acting, but I really would love the chance to get to know you. From what Clara said you are crazy smart and unlike all the other Slytherins." Severus got uncomfortable at the praise. He was usually the first one to say how much better he was than anyone else, especially when talking with Regulus. But now it made him feel sick. Because it wasn't for him, not truly. Just a small curated part of him he showed to the world in hope of being accepted.

"I don't know." His voice was small and he expected her to keep pushing, be persistent and show her bite. But she just smiled.

"That's okay.  I will be here more often since Runes is kicking my ass so if you ever change your mind let me know." It couldn't be that easy. She couldn't just accept it like this.  But she did, returned to her work and asked Clara questions and only occasionally smiled at Severus. It felt like a trap. When Madam Pierce told them to leave so she could close the library, Severus was the first one out of the door.

~*~

"I don't understand!" Severus said, frustrated falling in the chair in front of Regulus.

"Hello to you too. I assume something’s gone horribly wrong and you have been bested by basic emotion again?" Regulus' tone was dry, as he closed his book. "Go on then, what's ruined your life this time?"

"The Marauders and LILY" Severus spat the name all the pent up emotion spilling out.

That got an impressed whistle from Regulus. "Damn, I thought they had finally learned their lesson. It seems your dramatic entrance was justified. What did you do to get their attention? I thought you were you know... don't they just haunt you when you are yourself, now that Lily has apparently joined their stupidity permanently? Please tell me my brother didn't make a fool of himself again. People are still laughing about him when they see me."

Severus shrugged helplessly because that was what he had thought as well feeling relatively safe in his disguise until today. "I have no idea. Your brother was not there, still liking his wounds most likely. It was just the other boys at first. Insisting Sirius had been serious and it was not a prank or something, as if. They wanted to 'get to know me' to show support for your brother. Clara chased them right off."

"Lets go Clara. She is terrifying. I have no idea how you got her to be your guard but good job on that. Let these idiots try anything and they will soon find out why no Slytherin has ever messed with her despite her blood status." That caught Severus' interest. Because most Slytherins loved nothing more than to belittle Muggleborns. Not even Lily in her brilliance was immune to it no matter how much she defended herself. So to be so feared no one even dared to try... whatever Clara did to get that reputation it had to have been big.

"But from your dramatics I conclude things didn't end there. Especially since so far you haven't mentioned Evans anywhere in your story." Regulus ever so observant.

"Right. I might have gotten caught up in some light reading." Regulus snorted mumbling, aka highly advanced text that shouldn't be in a school library. "And suddenly she was there just sitting at the table."

"And no one stopped her?"

"No, apparently Clara and her are close? They know each other." Severus tried to find the right words.

"Since it is already late at night I assume that you didn't do the wise thing and just jumped up and ran at this point. And instead stayed and risked discovery by a person who knows your mannerism well?" Regulus hit the nail on the head and Severus felt a bit embarrassed to be called out like this.

"I know it was stupid. But I missed her." He regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. Not because it was untrue, but because of how quickly Regulus's face returned to an emotionless mask - teasing smile completely vanished. For all his training and ability to fool others he was still an open book to Severus.

He knew he had to fix this and fast or he might risk losing the most important person to him forever. "I… what I mean is-" why was this so hard? He could speak for hours about his knowledge but in situations like this he was always lost for words. "You are important. I never say it but you are my best friend. I miss her because she reminds me of the good times, but if it means losing you then I rather it be just us."

Silence. Maybe it had not been enough. Maybe Regulus would leave and Severus would once more be alone in his misery. Raising his head and trying to seek out Regulus' eyes he found the other looked sick. "Okay I think I threw up a little. Let's never ever do such emotional bullshit again."

A shy smile made its way on Severus' face. "So are we good?"

"Yes we are good brat. So now tell me what happened after you were so emotionally compromised your survival instinct took a vacation."

"She was nice, kind. Said she wanted to be friends." Wringing his hand Severus tried to explain.

"And you want that?" Severus jerked. "...you don't want that?" Another flinch. "Didn't I just say no more emotional bullshit. Hah, so you wanna be friends with her again, but at the same time not, and not because it would be an unnecessary risk but because some made up bullshit in your brain?" For someone not wanting to deal with any kind of emotions without a hazmat suit, Regulus was precise when it came to others feelings.

"It's not bullshit." An unimpressed eyebrow from Regulus. "It is just. She doesn't want to be my friend, not really. She just wants to know the disguise."

"Is it really? A disguise I mean? Aren't you more yourself there than when you try to pass as a haughty Slytherin to survive. From what I have seen you are way more like you are now when you are with Clara and the rest then when you are in the common room." This gave Severus pause. He had never thought about it this way, since for him the potion was a disguise. But really thinking about it, he had the chance to let down the walls and ignore the self imposed restrictions he usually had to follow to survive. Could it really be that easy? All the antagonising, only for Lily to like his true self, or the glimpses he let through?

"I have to add I still think it is a terrible idea. Especially since Evans is really close with the Marauders including my brother. Rumours has it that she and Potter are dating now, or at least are friends and only waiting to take that step. Interacting with her could easily lead to being discovered" Oh, Severus hadn't known. He had noticed her sticking with Potter more but not that they were together. Despite everything it hurt. She had promised to never get together with his bullies and now she had broken the promise.

"So you think I shouldn't do it."

"No go for it but I will have the opportunity to say I told you so if things go wrong. It will be good to figure out why they all are acting so weird to your regular self, like a little undercover sting. And if things go south you can use all the information and weaknesses you saw to destroy them and finally get some peace that way." A very Slytherin approach to things, but it helped, made Severus feel better about the whole thing. He wasn't giving in, wasn't weak, he just took an advantage offered to him. Yes that was it.

"I'm gonna speak with her tomorrow."

"Alright. Be aware your contingent of emotional support for this week is used up so don't come crying to me until monday." Severus snorted. He knew Regulus was as bad as going through with such consequences as Severus himself.

~*~

The next day Severus was nervous, barely able to stomach any of the easily digestible food Regulus kept pushing onto his plate, with a look making it clear no one would move until Severus had eaten. Once they went their separate ways things only got worse since he shared some classes with the Gryffindors today. 

He was still avoiding the Marauders and Lily like the plague at the moment, since he was unsure about their intentions. Luckily for them they seem to have caught on that they didn't have a chance to catch him unaware so they might look at him, or wave to get his attention but they didn't try to corner him again. This made things awkward when Severus looked up and noticed Lily already holding his gaze. It took all his willpower to keep the eye contact and not hide behind a book - such a cowardly action would have given him instantly away since it was too similar to what he had just done yesterday although with an altered appearance.

Lily waved again and Severus quickly turned away before he could do something stupid like wave back. She hated him! Just because she was getting friendly with his alter ego didn't mean she liked his original form again. She had ignored him for so long she didn't care. She must only act this way now in an attempt to lure him away to be attacked by her new boyfriend and his cohorts. And even if Regulus said he was stupid when it came to emotions - rightfully so - he wasn't that gullible. 

So why did he feel bad when he could hear the disappointing sight from her direction? And why was he feeling guilty seeing the proud Sirius Black reduced to a shadow of himself? The boy had brought it upon himself that he was now the talk of the school - something Severus had thankfully avoided with his disguise.

But Sirius Black, Jokester, pretty boy that always looked effortlessly handsome was a mess. His hair was unkempt and Severus spotted what he thought was a twig stuck in it. He was paler than usual and the dark circles under his eyes stood out immensely. His uniform usually tastefully messed up was now just messy - had he thrown it on the floor and danced on top of it? He was in a sorry state and the Marauders fussing over him didn't make things any better, especially since the offered chocolate made Black look a bit green.

Potter and Pettigrew kept looking between Severus and Black and he really hoped they didn't think a fight would get Black out of his funk. Luckily they stuck with patting Blacks back and whispering in his ear.

Once class ended Severus wasted no time, changed and downed his potion - or that was what he wanted to say, but Regulus caught him before he could run off. So he had to sit through another meal filled with a lecture about what to do, what to avoid, how to react when everything went ot shits and a reminder that Regulus held the right to say I told you so . At least he got the reassurance that Regulus would take his own studies to the library and would come if there was a commotion. To aid or to laugh he didn't say but Severus was reassured either way just by the other being present.

Thanks to the detour through the great hall the study table was already full with familiar faces including Lily once he arrived. When she saw him she had a big smile on her face, and despite the chair next to her being empty she didn't pressure him to come over but let him decide on his own. 

Severus took the chair across from her between Eliot and Maisie. He instantly found some colorful candy on the book he had just put down as Maisie gave him a toothy grin: So she had joined the 'lets feed Severus club' properly Sarah's doing. 

"I have just eaten." Okay, the stunned silence and disbelieving looks were just rude. So what if he was a bit slim and small in this form - and okay his real form was tall but just as lanky - he ate. He did. Sometimes he might skip a meal here and there but he was not underweight or something. So they had no reason to act like he was a young maiden on a hunger strike.

"How come you ate without any of us reminding you?" Sahra sounded amazed.

"First, rude. Second, I eat without you just fine, third a friend wanted to hang out." Furious whispers, Severus preferred the stunned quiet.

"You have friends? Someone that is not here at the table with us? Is it a ghost?" Severus restrained himself from throwing his book for Madam Pierce. The Muggle pen made for a great projectile, much better than a quill - the impact was way more satisfying and it also didn’t break from a bit of rough handling, great investment, would steal from Sarah again. 

Getting the object against her forehead Clara cried out in fake pain as she swayed, doubling over onto her seatmate, crushing them in the process.

"Yes I have friends, and they are a lot more sophisticated than you lot." Which was true, Regulus was the embodiment of elegance, a true pureblood heir - well unless you were Severus and got to see him during exam period looking like death warmed over, hair up in a bun, and the most hideous skincare mask on.

"Did you eat in your common room? I didn’t see you in the Great Hall during lunch." Merle asked, a bit confused from where she was just sitting down, arriving from her own lunch. Shit, this was a problem he had not thought anyone was paying enough attention to notice his disguised self wasn’t at the meal. So far he has played it rather loosely only disguising himself when he needed to, which meant he usually went as Severus and only under the influence of the potion when Regulus wasn’t there to go with him - which was rare since it was the boy’s life mission to keep Severus feed. No wonder they though he had a eating problem when they never saw him during meals.

Desperate to salvage what he could at the moment - he really didn’t want to come up with a food rotation for himself and his altered self to make sure they both were seen in the great hall - he took the offer out. “Yeah,” he said with a deliberate shrug, reaching for one of the less aggressively pink sweets laying on his book. “It was quieter.”

Sarah hummed like she didn’t quite believe him, but thankfully she didn’t press. Conversation picked up again, drifting away from him to more academic topics. At least until Lily took the chance of everyone else being occupied to start a conversation with Severus.

"You're back, today. I was afraid I had scared you off." Lily's eyes were warm and full of relief, and Severus regretted every bite he took during lunch as it sat heavy in his stomach.

"As if I would let a Gryffindor scare me off. I can handle Cara, you are nothing in comparison" It was meant to be condescending, keep some distance between them, but Lily just laughed wholeheartedly, her eyes sparkling.

"No one can compare to our dear queen and everyone saying something else is a liar." Silence fell between them as Severus didn't know what to answer. And just like it had always been, it was Lily who picked up the thread of conversation.

"I don't want to press but does that mean you are okay with starting over, becoming friends? If not that is totally fine. We can just be two people in a study group. But I would be happy if you did."

Severus rolled the words around and tested if they were trustworthy. It wasn’t in her nature to be deceiving so it was easy enough to reach the conclusion that she meant it so he nodded. "I guess there has to be someone providing intelligent conversation. I can't see the Marauders keeping you entertained much in that regard" The moment he said it he regretted it. Not because it was rude but because this was a good way to instantly destroy any chance of friendship Lily was offering. But to his surprise she didn't cry out in outrage and defended her fellow lions.

"They aren't too bad. Remus is actually quite gifted academically and is more than capable of holding a conversation."

She sounded open, unguarded. Could he risk it? Or should he play it safe? "I don’t see you defending the rest." She looked delighted at the bantering.

"You didn't" she just winked. Severus couldn’t hold back the chuckle. Lily looked like Christmas and her birthday had come early.

"Aww, look at them getting along. And here I was worried. But my little snake is all grown up making friends on his own." Clara had returned from retrieving a book and took the chance to lean onto Severus' chair teasing him.

"I'm not a child. In fact I was totally capable of surviving before I met you." 

Clara pouted, her fingers twitching to ruffle his hair like she did for so many others but held back not wanting to overstep. "But you're my little baby snake. I birthed you myself, we share DNA."

"We don't do any such things. This is slander. My noble features are not comparable to your horrendous visage in the slightest." She just stuck out his tongue and flickered him against his forehead before returning to her seat.

Lily had descended in uncontrollable laughter at the interaction she just witnessed.

"You know she has a point. No one knows your name so you are just Clara's snake. Can't blame people for assuming she adopted you." When Severus just looked at her with an intense gaze she backpaddled. "Not that you have to give anyone your name if you don’t want to. It is completely up to you."

Severus huffed. "Elias. You can call me Elias." It was the name he had come up with after the first blunder meeting Cara when he realised he had no idea what to call himself should someone ask - how was he supposed to know that no one would ask for months? It reminded him of his mother and since he now was her split copy it seemed only appropriate to also honor her name. Now, maybe a stupid decision since Lily could connect the name back to Severus, but as far as Severus remembered he had only referred to her as his mother and never by name and Lily had only seen her in passing on the street. And his mother had changed a lot since during her marriage, looking faded and older than she actually was - so unlike the picture of her young Severus now hid in a drawer.

"Ehh, why is she getting your name?! I feed you. I birthed you and I get nothing?" Clara was in outrage jumping back up to round on Severus.

"So unfair." Sarah agreed.

"I had just met you for the first time when you asked, you were a stranger and I don’t just hand my name out to every person I meet." He addressed Clara. "And the rest just never asked after I got to know them." Dumbfounded eyes looked at him.

"So all we would have to do was ask? What about the spiel about scaring you off and making you abandon us?" Maisie sounded confused and Severus just raised an eyebrow looking pointedly at Clara.

"I might not give my name to every stranger  I meet, but if I manage to endure your presence for a few hours without cursing you, I'm fine with you knowing."

The group settled again even if people pointedly called him by name just to show they could - but they were a study group and had homework to finish so they had to actually focus and get some work done. Severus himself was flickering between three books on curse breaking - his newest obsession - cross referencing information not trusting the authors to not be underheads and spreading false information. 

Since it wasn’t something time sensitive and only for his own enjoyment he didn’t mind Sarah shyly sliding over her paper. She was struggling with potion, a lot. And after she found out he was a genius in this regard - in her defence he had focused on everything besides potions during their study group so far - she got him to help when he didn’t look busy. It was easy for Severus to check and correct her work and lead to improvements since she didn’t just copy everything, but actually looked up her mistakes, which was the only reason why Severus bothered to help at all.

He was halfway through correcting Sarah's clumsy brewing chart when someone across the table said something utterly idiotic about fluxweed dosage in Polyjuice Potion.

He didn’t even think.

With a sharp exhale through his nose, he muttered, “Try that in a real cauldron and you’ll either poison yourself or melt your eyebrows off.”

The words weren’t cruel, exactly. Just blunt. And delivered with Severus drawl he had perfect through years of dealing with idiots. Something he had also held back at the beginning of this whole arrangement.

But by now people were used to him and his ways and didn't even raise an eyebrow at his crude ways and just corrected whatever stupidity they had just written down completely unbothered. 

People had gotten used to him, people that he had studied with for a while, people unlike Lily. Shit. She looked up slowly from her book and nerves rose in Severus’ throat. Was she offended on the others behalf? Did she think he was rude? 

Severus’ heart hammered in his chest as he realised how much he had just fucked up.

“That,” she said softly, almost like she didn’t mean to speak aloud. “You sounded exactly like him.”

Not what he had expected. This was so much worse than what he expected. Because there was only another rude bastard she knew. And Severus couldn’t have her think about them in the same breath or this could implode any moment if she made the connection.

Play dumb. Play dumb. Play dumb.

"I doubt anyone would match my eloquent talents." Not that dumb! You were meant to destroy the suspicion, not make them worse by being mean.

"He would. He was witty, a real genius." Her voice sounded longing, and she got a far away look in her eyes. But that had to be a lie. It was her who broke off contact with Severus, while he had done everything trying to fix things. You couldn’t push someone away constantly and then act like they died. But maybe that was it? Maybe he - well his original him - had died in her eyes? The young boy she once knew gone, replaced by a slimy snake she couldn’t stand to be around?

No, he had to stop thinking like this right now. He would get angry and take it out on her undeservingly. Or maybe he would cry and get everyone in a fizzle which was even worse.

"What happened?" Sarah seeing Severus wouldn’t answer and ever so interested in any form of gossip wasted no time interjecting.

"I messed up, we don't talk anymore." Why was Lily’s voice filled with such regret? It had been her choice. At any point she could have turned around and said she still wanted to be friends and he would have accepted without question - that was until she had sided with his bullies. 

The silence was deafening as no one knew what to say or if comfort would be welcome.

"Maybe you can make up." Maisie bless her heart, tried at least. 

"Maybe. If it isn't yet too late to be forgiven. I messed up a lot and now he won’t even give me the chance to talk to him anymore." More guilt stabbing Severus which was just unfair. She made it sound like it was his fault when all he did was protect himself. “But enough about this. I’m just bringing everyone down with my problems.”

"That's okay, what else are friends for then to listen to you? And if things don’t work out between you two, you can always hang out with us. We are a bit chaotic but can be great company. Especially since my little snake joined and brightened the mood." Severus rolled his eyes at Clara, still insisting on the stick to the nickname despite having something else to call him now.

"Yes you all are pretty great. I'm happy to be here." Lily smiled and some of the weight lifted from her shoulders.

~*~

"What the hell. Does Babbling suddenly hate us? The increase in difficulty between the last assignment and this is way too much! We didn’t even have something remotely like this in any lesson yet." Lily had her head laid on the table, face filled with despair as she complained. 

Leaning over her shoulder - careful not to touch her, they weren’t there yet, he barely endured Clara occasionally touching his arm - Severus took a look at the parchment in front of her, pushed away as if it had offended her. And it had in a way. Or better said Babbling had when she gave them two weeks to finish her newest assignment which was a very short timeframe for what she was asking.

Which meant it was no wonder Lily was struggling. Severus still winced as he inspected her work. She had been smart enough to use a pencil and an eraser to not have to do everything over and over again if she made a mistake. But that only helped so far as she must have corrected herself so many times, at this point it was hard to decide which was the current draft and which was what she had wanted to get rid of, especially since the eraser had rubbed the parchment so thin it had gotten holes in some places.

And it didn’t even look done, there were still some spaces where Severus was sure needed some runes put in. There was a lot of stress in Lily's future. And it wasn’t even that Lily was just bad in antic runes, in fact she was in the upper half of the class and so far mastered all assignments without issue. But this time what Babbling demanded was just that outrageous.

It wasn’t just translating an existing runic array, decoding a matrix or copying and combining existing circles. This time they were tasked with designing a functional runic array capable of containing elemental magic. Not describing the concept, not copying or improving an existing array - actually drawing a new one, with every anchor rune precisely placed to avoid the array imploding or, worse, catching fire. Babbling’s only guidance had been a note: “Fire is unpredictable. Make it behave.” And if that weren’t enough, the final design had to be symmetrical, aesthetically pleasing, and small enough to fit on a standard parchment

Severus was aware of the difficulty. He himself had spent his whole Sunday, in total quiet other than Regulus' breathing and the occasional waves of the lake, pouring over the issue. Regulus hadn't minded Severus muttering crazily to himself, half laying over his lap - he had enjoyed his sun bath and the fact Severus was so distracted he just ate whatever Regulus offered to him from the picnic basket he brought. 

Clara patted Lily to stop her from pulling her hair out, an understandable reaction to the issue.

"Ah yes, she does that. Don’t worry too much if you can’t get it quite right - she won’t grade it, just offer feedback. It’s more about seeing how you approach problems that are beyond your current level, and whether you show any hidden potential she might’ve overlooked. Mostly, she’s scouting for students to keep an eye on for her special seventh-year course, the one that practically guarantees you a top-tier job if you earn her recommendation." Clara shooted rubbing Lily’s back. In such situations it became obvious Lily had never struggled much in school, gifted as she was. The mere suggestion that a professor could give them a task that was impossible to finish perfectly was incomprehensible to her.

"Even if it doesn’t have to be perfect, isn’t this way too advanced? At our level, it’s nearly impossible to produce something even halfway decent. Who’s actually supposed to be good enough for her special course?" She glanced at Clara, who looked mighty proud of herself all of a sudden and realisation rose on Lily’s face.

 "Of course you got into her special seventh-year course, you stupid show-off: Couldn't leave some intelligence for the rest of us. All we can do is fight for the scraps. For this offence I demand you help me before I throw myself off the Astronomy tower." Lily was poking Clara in the side in offence who only laughed.

"Aw, don't be dramatic, I'm just awesome like that.” She had the gall to wink. “And speaking about intelligence it is this little genius over there who stole all of it in your year." She pointed to Severus who was already halfway through Lily's runic circle with his red pen - newly acquired from Eliot who lost an argument about the Role of Emotion in Wandless Magic and had to give it up as spoils of victory - which made it automatically the best pen Severus owned. 

Having Lily spin to face him startled him and the pen clattered on the desk drawing even more attention from the group. Why was it always he who ended up at the center of things? At this point he should start demanding a fee for being threatened like a zoo exhibit with all the stares. 

"Did you just start correcting my work?" Severus flinched at Lily’s question. He had made a mistake but he could help himself seeing the mess - he always did it for Regulus, in fact Regulus usually trusted his work with him demanding Severus proof read anything he handed in. But this was not Regulus or Maisie - who seeked out his help. He should have asked before just scribbling over her work like a know-it-all. She would be angry, scream at him like the people in first year had done for daring to touch their stuff and acting like he was so much better - he had quickly learned to keep his hands to himself after that. 

"I only noted some mistakes for you to have a look at." It wasn’t like he had destroyed her work, still his voice was small and his shoulders raised.

Lily suddenly had the biggest smile, stepping forward arms wide for a hug, which was thankfully stopped by Clara who stepped between them and engulfed Lily in her own arms spinning her around.

Once on solid ground again the smile was still present. "You Eliot are my hero. I have been at it for hours and I can't even tell what I was doing. And you took under two minutes to find the flaws. Clara move aside, I have a new genius to worship."

"Alright, alright. I know how it is, the moment someone smarter comes along I'm minced meat." Severus wanted to protest, he doubted he was smarter than Clara but she just shook her head. "It's true. I tried for a week and in the end what I handed in still wasn't perfect. Good enough to make the special course in the end but not outstanding. You on the other hand did it in a single day and it must be perfect since you are so relaxed and focusing on something else." Severus' ears burned. Her assessment was pretty spot on, he had finished in a day to a point where he couldn't make any more improvements that wouldn’t devolve completely from the school curriculum and would need some special conduit that was not part of the task.

Lily now looked at him as if he had hung the moon and painted the stars. "A single day. Without help... That's just. I can't believe someone could do that. No wonder you could fix mine so quickly. Remus and Peter will cry if they see it. They have been stuck for the past few days and can't even figure out where they get stuck."

Severus tensed at the mention of the two Marauders, luckily the only ones he shared ancient runes with. 

It was unlikely they would produce anything useful without any help. He shouldn't care. It was not as if they would fail if they handed in something awful. Clara would offer her assistance, certainly, but only if Severus wasn’t around. She knew things were tense between him and the Marauders, and she wouldn’t prioritize them over him by asking him to leave. So unless Severus walked away or explicitly allowed it, they were on their own.

"Fine but if they say a single thing because I'm a Slytherin I’m out." He agreed tensely. This would absolutely blow up in his face and he already cursed how soft he had become. He was still weary of the wolf but with so many people around he doubted he would do anything as even his werewolf-strength could stand up against a parade of spells being thrown his way.

The smiles that got him all around were blinding, especially from Lily. She turned right back and vanished into the library to search for her housemates.

Severus sighed and slouched in his seat, instantly regretting everything. Why had he agreed? Regulus would laugh at him now. Rightfully so. 

"You look like you just agreed to commit a crime," Clara noted, nudging his elbow with hers - a new development he had started to allow.

"Give it a few minutes," Severus muttered. "It might turn into one."

Clara chuckled and handed him a chocolate frog as some sort of bribe or to keep his hands occupied and away from his wand. He accepted. The sugar helped a little.

A few minutes later, Lily returned - flanked by two very familiar figures. Lupin wore the same oversized cardigan he always did, and had his shoulders drawn in like he was trying to take up less space. Peter was always nervous but now even more so shrinking into himself, eyes flicking everywhere like he expected to be hexed on sight.

Which was just stupid since it was them that usually hexed others. But the moment Potter and Black weren't there to back them up they seemed to realise their own insignificance. or it was just Clara staring them down in warning which caused them to tremble.

Severus sat up straighter, schooling his expression into something that was hopefully neutral and not murdery.

“Elias, this is Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew,” Lily said brightly. “They’re lovely. Mostly harmless. And they’re in desperate need of your Ancient Runes brilliance.”

"Desperate is accurate," Remus said with a sheepish smile, pulling a folded parchment from his satchel. “We’ve been staring at this for hours. We think it might be cursed. Or cursed us. Unclear.”

Severus didn’t laugh, but he did reach for the paper. “Let’s see it, then.”

The diagram was... sad. Misaligned energy lines, misused binding runes, and half a stabilization ring missing. He blinked slowly, his expression inching toward pain.

“This rune is upside down,” he said, pointing. “And this one means ‘boil flesh,’ not ‘contain magic.’ Why would you even… Never mind. Sit down.”

Peter squeaked a little. Remus looked like he’d expected worse.

Lily beamed and pulled out a spare quill. All in all Severus had thought things would be worse. But in the end he had not hexed or otherwise harmed anyone, even if Pettigrew came close to crying at some point. Despite the emotional damage he also managed to install a meager twinkle of runic understanding into his three eager students - and the other six that had appeared from thin air the moment he had started speaking. 

All looking older, and distinctly not part of their study group, but close with Clara, properly her classmates. They crammed around the table or just stood close enough to listen - not behind Severus thanks to Clara’s interference. He was not good at dealing with someone in his blind spot.

Severus, who had barely agreed to teach three Gryffindors, had not consented to this turning into an open lesson for everyone to attend. In fact he would have liked to keep the number of participants as small as possible. He also knew he would fight a losing battle, seeing the sparkle in the eyes of the older students, as they unashamedly took tutoring from a boy two years their junior. 

So with a heavy sight he accepted his fate after cursing Clara and how much she had socialised him over their acquaintanceship - no they weren’t friends, Severus would rather die than admit to something so foolish. 

It wasn’t as terrible as he had thought, as the older students didn’t disturb them, just listened, took notes, and occasionally threw in some knowledge, proving they had some justification being in the special runic course. 

By the end of their three hour crash course Lily, Lupin and even Pettingrew had managed to produce something halfway decent. It wouldn’t win any awards - or safely contain anything - but at least it wouldn’t explode if someone looked at it wrong. Progress.

Severus began packing his things, half-expecting that would be the end of it, but suddenly found himself the unwilling center of attention again. Several seventh-years stepped forward crowding him until his annoyed hiss sent them back a few steps.

“That was - honestly brilliant. If you said you were in our year I would not have doubted you,” one of them said, looking vaguely stunned. “You made containment arrays actually make sense. I’ve read that section three times and it just gave me migraines.”

“Do you tutor?” another asked. “I mean regularly - we would pay. Or swap help in other subjects, if you ever need it. I’m top marks in Astronomy, and Gemma’s a whiz at Transfiguration-” The boy pointed at the person next to them.

"Absolutely not"  Like hell, Severus would agree to that, he rather enjoyed his solitude and today had already pushed his boundaries too much.

"Clara, please help your poor classmates out. You can't hog him like this! How are the rest of us supposed to pass our NEWTS without him?" Gemma asked desperately but got immediately shot down.

"No can do, he is mine. Get your own snake, although I doubt any of them will be able to match him" She teased a proud smile on her face.

Lily, naturally, looked as if someone had just gifted her a unicorn and a lifetime supply of Honeydukes. “Told you he was a genius,” she whispered to the two marauders, grinning.

And then came the big surprise. Pettigrew gave him a shy little nod. “Thanks... I mean it. I thought I’d have to drop the class.”

Wonders truly existed. A Marauder who bowed their head willingly to a snake and admitted he needed help? Was this a dream? An optical illusion.

Lupin immediately proved him wrong by rummaging through his pockets and shoving a bar of Honeycomb crunch in Severus' hand. "It's my favorite. You deserve it after you saved me from turning insane." Bummer, maybe Severus should have let things play out and let them perish.

Severus eyed the chocolate suspiciously before taking it with a muttered, “Fine.” He stuffed it into his satchel before anyone could make a fuss.

"This was great. I really wish I had a group that was actually committed to studying. I love James and Sirius, but their commitment to school could be better." Lupin said it very casually, but the hidden meaning behind the words were clear, and Severus didn’t know how to handle this. He knew he was smart, but why Lupin willingly hung out with this messy group just to study?

He shouldn’t risk it. But he couldn’t forget Regulus’ words. If everything went wrong he could always use it against them later.

“I am not,” he said slowly, glaring around the table, “a babysitter. Or a tutor. Or take charity cases. I’m not here to rescue half the year from their own incompetence.”

A moment of silence fell over the group. Then Clara cleared her throat.

“But?”

“But,” Severus drawled, “I don’t regulate seating arrangements. If you want to come back, and the rest of this lot doesn’t object...” He gestured lazily to the table. “Then sit wherever you want. But I won't compromise my own studies because you are a dunderhead. And if I tell you to not bother me, I will have silence, one way or another." His eyes flickered tellingly to his wand.

It wasn't really threatening because Clara cooed at him and swiped away fake tears. "My baby is all growing up making friends on his own."

Severus flipped her off before storming out of the library.

Chapter Text

“I hadn’t thought of that,” Lupin said with something that might have been genuine admiration. “But it makes sense. Explains why the potion kept turning that weird greenish tint.”

Severus didn’t respond at first. They were both bent over the scroll now, muttering at each other, arguing over the order of infusion, over the necessity of stasis charms during long steeps, over the exact angle a stirring rod should take when introducing powdered bone.

Ten minutes passed.

Then fifteen.

Then—

He realized what he was doing.

He was talking. With Remus Lupin . Having a real, engaged academic discussion. With a werewolf.

Severus’ voice faltered mid-thought. He straightened like he’d been slapped, eyes narrowing. What the hell was he doing?

He shoved back from the table. “I need a reference,” he muttered, gathering his bag with more force than necessary. “Forgot my... heating calibration chart.”

He didn’t wait for Lupin to reply. Just turned on his heel and stalked off between the shelves, heart pounding far louder than it should.

He didn’t return for the rest of the hour.

~*~

Severus was blinking rapidly, eyes burning in their dryness - finishing the book on venomous plants in the Northern Hemisphere and their use in healing potions on a Thursday night hadn't been a good idea. He blamed Regulus for handing him such a book so close to nighttime - he knew how Severus got when someone caught his attention. Especially since he didn't even know why Regulus had gotten him the book - it was not his birthday or any other significant event, and Severus had also not done anything out of the ordinary that would warrant a thank-you gift. Still, Regulus had handed him the book with a heavy nod before he went to bed. 

And Severus might not understand why he got such good fortune, but he would never turn away such a gift, so he had to read - only the first few pages, to see if it was any good. And then it was five in the morning when he closed it.

So he was tired. And whoever had placed the Greenhouses so far from the Great Hall was evil. A dark Lord in the making. Whatever reason was there to have sleep debriefed students walk up a hill, without proper path, beside the trampled down grass previous feet left?

Squinting against the sun, which naturally had to shine right into his eyes, Severus gave the hill another look, contemplating if it was truly worth the effort or if he should just lay down where he stood and take a nap in the sun till it was time for the next class. Only Regulus would be disappointed if he missed food again, especially since he had been so good about it lately, always arriving in the Great Hall, even if sometimes in disguise. Wait a moment... was it because of that? Did Regulus really buy him a book because he ate all his meals?

Fantastic, now he felt like a toddler being coddled for performing basic human function.

He was so focused on gathering the necessary strength to start moving again, and barely noticed the person approaching him - which meant they must not be a threat. No matter how tired, Severus always reacted to a threat.

"Hey, nice weather today, right. Perfect for spending time outside." The voice was upbeat, only making Severus' headache worse. He didn't answer  - talking about the weather, why not point out the sky was blue and water was wet while they were at it. Utterly pointless. Especially since with the banging inside his skull, Severus wanted nothing more than to take the sun and crush it into pieces. Impossible even with magic but a nice thought.

"Although, you don't look too good. Is everything okay? Do you need help? The infirmary? Chocolate?" Lupin and his damn chocolate, acting as a mere sweet, could fix all problems to ever exist - as if him still being a werewolf wasn't proof for the opposite. 

Severus turned slightly, giving Lupin an annoyed look, ignoring the worried frown on the other's face and the half raised hands - as if he wanted to reach out to help, but knew better than to try. 

What had Severus done to deserve this? Wasn't he even save from Gryffindor stupidity outside the study group? Did he really have to deal with them all the time? There was a reason why he had a disuse and didn't tell anyone his true identity why couldn't they-

FUCK!

Severus' eyes widened in shock as realization hit him like a Bombarda. He was not in disguise. Had just finished a herbology class as himself, being treated to the ignorance and scared looks he was slowly getting used to from his year-mates. Year-mates that had not included the Gryffindors. Gryffindors which had no reason to talk to him. 

A frantic sweep of the area brought him up short. No Potter, no Black, and not even Pettigrew. Lupin was alone. And with the wide open area even if the others laid in waiting it would be a very poor ambush. 

What the hell was going on?

Had Lupin really sought him out all by himself, without backup? But why? Did he want to use his werewolf powers to get rid of Severus? Unlikely in the middle of the day in an area where they could be quickly spotted.

"Snape? Is everything okay? You look pale?" Lupin wrung his hands, unsure of what to do.

Severus could tell his concern was genuine and had heard it often enough during their study group, directed towards Pettigrew when the smaller boy, hit his knee or elbow, clumsy as he was. 

It didn't make any sense for it to be directed towards Severus. It could be a curse or potion affecting Lupin, but why and who would do something like this. And why would he seek Severus out of all people sneaking up to him?

Only he didn't sneak up, he just walked normally. It was Severus who had noticed him unconsciously, but didn't react. Because he had not registered as a tread. A werewolf had strolled up to him and his brain had said, this is fine . Had taken Lupin and shifted him into the box of people Severus had not to worry about.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

Suddenly the hill was racing past Severus as he sprinted up the slope, heart hammering in his chest, breath coming short, having to get away from the danger as fast as possible. A danger he no longer was prepared for.

The moment his feet hit stone, he slowed down, not wanting to draw unnecessary attention, as he caught his breath and walked towards the Great Hall. He could have gone for the dungeon, but it was farther, and he needed people now - needed a specific person, right now!

The moment he entered the Great Hall a hush fell over it as conversations came to an abrupt end - something he was also getting used to, even if it was still annoying. It has been months, you would think people got over whatever funk they had been in. It was one thing to ignore someone for a week, but this persistence was crazy, especially since Severus did nothing outside the ordinary - in fact most times he just disappeared, donning his disguise. But no, the one incident of him destroying the desk had been enough. Although it was properly not the incident itself but all the weird rumors that had sparked up after. 

Regulus was sitting at the end of the Slytherin table, newspaper in hand, looking like a king holding court and not a student just getting a quick bite. Around him empty space. People never forgave him for siding with Severus, still shunned him as well. It made Severus angry on his friend's behalf, but Regulus was unbothered, glad he could avoid the annoying masses. Still, Severus was thinking about dragging him to the study group for social interaction, if only Regulus stopped being so stubborn. 

They had accepted Severus - only because they didn't know who he was, only because you lied to them - they would properly also accept someone as kind and polite as Regulus. Lupin and Pettigrew would just have to get over it or piss off, even if Regulus was the younger brother of Sirius Black.

"Ahh, I see you are making an appearance. I was starting to think you were going to ditch me." Regulus sounded emotionless, but the plate he was pushing towards Severus was filled with all of his favorites.

Severus didn't think he could eat even if he tried, not with how bad his hands were trembling. 

The lack of a witty remark from Severus caught Regulus' attention, and he looked up from the Daily Prophet, his eyes going wide as he looked at Severus, instantly recognizing the panic he was in.

"What happened?" He demanded, shoulders stiff, hand on his wand ready to make whoever set Severus off bleed.

“I-” he started, then stopped, jaw clenching.

Regulus leaned in, voice low. “Who?”

His anger now palpable, magic flaring, ready to defend. It wasn't subtle and the people sitting close to them, turned wide-eyed, knowing something was going on, although they couldn't tell what it was right away.

“No one. I mean. Not like that.” Severus rubbed his face with one hand, trying to focus, to get his thoughts in order. “It was Lupin.”

Regulus blinked once and hissed quietly. “The werewolf? I thought the Marauders were no longer stalking you while you were you !” Yes, he was aware of Lupin's true nature. Severus had told him, ably reluctantly. After his attempts of opening Lily's eyes only lead to her thinking he was paranoid, he had sworn to never open up without proof. But during wild rambling after another confrontation, when he was still hurt from half healed jinxes, it had slipped out. And Regulus had just accepted it, asked if there were measures in place and had pointedly acquired information about his family's lawyer just in case they managed to get enough proof. But for him, Severus' word had been enough to believe him.

“Yes,” Severus snapped, then lowered his voice. “Yes. He-he just walked up to me. And I didn’t even react. I just let him.”

Regulus’s brow furrowed. “And?”

“I didn’t see him as a threat,” Severus hissed, furious with himself. “He walked up to me and I let him . I’ve spent years being careful, and today I just stood there like an idiot, like I was talking to Clara or Lily or... or you.”

Regulus slowly lowered his wand back to the table. “So you’re panicking because you… didn’t panic?”

Severus shot him a sharp look. “I let my guard down.”

Regulus tilted his head, frown on his face. “Hold on. Was this Lupin talking to you , or to ‘Elias’?”

Severus hesitated. “... Me. No disguise. Just me.”

Regulus blinked. “Are you sure nothing happened? Didn’t hex you on sight?”

“He looked concerned, Regulus. Like I was about to faint or something. Called me ‘Snape’ and asked if I was alright.” Severus pressed both palms to the table, trying to ground himself. “And I almost answered. Just- …like it was normal.”

Regulus exhaled slowly, nodding. “Because you know him now. Not the version from back when they used to corner you in corridors, but the one who talks potions with you and shares chocolate in the library.”

“I know Elias knows and tolerates him,” Severus snapped. But me? They hate me! They got Lily on board. Try to lure me somewhere to-” He cut himself off, throat tight, imagining all the bad things the Marauders would do to him once they caught him alone.

Regulus didn’t interrupt. He waited.

After a moment, Severus sat back, staring down at his hands. “It’s too easy to forget. When I’m Elias, it’s simple. Lupin’s a bookish Gryffindor who likes obscure potion theory and doesn’t mind my temper. But now, he walked up to me , the real me, and treated me like I'm a person. I don’t understand.”

Regulus was quiet for a moment, then said, “Maybe spending so much time with Elias and seeing that Slytherins are people too, changed him?”

Severus shook his head. “We can't just assume that. That’s dangerous. That kind of mistake could cost me.”

“Something you couldn't get yourself out from if things went wrong?” Regulus was keenly aware of just how good Severus really was in defending himself if he allowed it and wasn’t bound by the fear of expulsion. "It could be worth taking the risk of hearing him out"

“I don’t want to hear him out,” Severus muttered, but it lacked bite.

Regulus rolled his eyes. “Then keep running. Look over your shoulder for the rest of your life. Or use the chance that is now given. And if you can't do it for yourself, maybe use your advantage and let Elias investigate."

After a long silence, Severus exhaled through his nose. “It wouldn't be too bad... to look into it.”

Regulus smirked faintly. “Progress.”

“But I’m not going to be friendly.”

“I’d be concerned if you were.”

Severus finally picked up a spoon of rice from the plate Regulus had prepared for him. He took a bite, slow and thoughtful.

~*~

Willing to follow the plan, Severus did not run for the hills but donned his disguise like every day and went to the library. To his dismay, after gathering his courage, today was one of the few days when the two Marauders were not present - busy properly with mischief. 

It was just the usual crowd including Lily sitting together, hunched over their books. When he sat down, Lily was sending him looks, something was going on. He raised a single pointed eyebrow. She scooted her chair closer. Something was definitely going on.

She tried to look casual but failed by a landslide, looking nothing but nervous. Could be interesting, what could she want that gathered such a reaction - private tutoring?

"Since the weather is so nice, a few friends and me were thinking about having a picnic at the lake. Want to join, finally see the sun? Maybe prove once and for all you are not in fact a vampire?" Lily tried to light the mood, but it felt rather flat, her fidgeting increased. Severus's throat went dry the moment she mentioned her friends.

"And with friends, I assume you don't mean your fellow Gryffindor girls." Because that would have been too easy. He could have dealt with that, pretended for a few hours to be socially adjusted and able to meet new people without sending them running instantly. 

"Don't be like that. You like Remus, you can pretend you don't, but you accept his chocolate and listens when he wants someone to ramble. And Peter isn't too bad, right? You stopped glaring at him." Okay, so what if Lupin was a decent enough conversation partner when the others weren't dragging him down with their bullshit. And Pettigrew was easy enough to ignore with how little presence he had.

"It is not these two idiots I'm worried about. If you think I will get into hexing distance of either Potter or Black while wearing green you are sorely mistaken" He had enough of that for the past years, he wouldn't risk it, especially after the stupid prank of a confession Black had tried to pull even if it had blown up in his own face.

"They won't do anything I promise, I made them swear. They will not be mean, make comments or otherwise discriminate against you. And Sirius will also not flirt or make you uncomfortable. They just really want to meet you." Yeah sure, and Severus was going to become the next heir of Gryffindor. These two didn't even know what good behavior was. No way Severus was agreeing to this. He wanted to know what was going on with Lupin acting nice to his original self, but not so bad he would risk his life.

"Please. I want to spend time with you, but I also feel like I'm neglecting them. I just want all my friends to get along." At some point, Severus would have easily caved to her puppydog eyes and her pleading. But that time was long since over. He had learned, had been beaten down by life and came out colder, more broken for it. He didn't follow anyone's wimps anymore but his own. And maybe Regulus' because he could trust him to not put Severus into harm's way.

"As if they could ever resist harassing a Slytherin. Forget it."

Lily got a stubborn look on her face. There was no way she was letting this go. But Severus would also not give in, this seemed to turn into their first serious fight since they had 'met' each other.

"How about you bring someone as backup? Would that make you more comfortable?" Clara chimed in. Severus thought - they would still be outnumbered, but it would be less about firepower and more about someone collaborating his story so he wouldn't automatically be the one at fault if he defended himself. His first thought was Regulus, but he quickly forgot about this. First people didn't know about the friendship between Elias and Regulus, and since Regulus' only other friend was Severus, it wouldn't be much of a leap to connect them. Additionally, bringing Regulus in Black’s vicinity was a bad idea. Where at first he had tried, begged and cried about his lost brother, now Regulus' sorrow had turned into anger. Which meant a single misstep and there had once been an older Black brother.

And Regulus was no use for Severus in prison.

Which only left the study group. And even then he couldn't take someone much younger, since they were no use in a fight and had to be comfortable in a more social setting. Which only left him one choice.

"If you wanted to join them for a picnic, you could just have asked, I bet your fellow Gryffindors wouldn’t mind. No need to make excuses." He sent Clara a pointed look.

"Well, maybe I want to have a picnic with you, ever think about that." A snort, although the sad thing was Severus could believe this. For some reason, Clara was obsessed with spending time with him and getting to know every little thing. It didn't make sense, since Severus even as Elias wasn't much more approachable than his usual self, still prickly and bitter. But she was still trying. Which was new. No one had ever tried fully for his sake. Lily had been desperate to understand magic, and he had been the only source. And Regulus hadn't cared about him at the start, and only their joint hate for the older Black had slowly drawn them together until it had been too late, and they had already been intertwined to the point where there was no turning back anymore.

Clara decided she wanted him. His chest hurt, something heavy pressing on it, making it hard to breathe. A feeling he recognized too well - guilt, thick and cloying, curling around his ribs like smoke, because she was kind and clever and brave enough to care for someone like him… and he was lying to her with every word. She offered him everything, he didn't even tell her his true name.

Perhaps it was this guilt that made him relent, made him agree to this absurdity of a hang-out. Because even if he couldn't offer anything else without destroying what they had, he could at least give her that.

It didn't make the reality of the actual meeting when it was time any easier. It was just him standing in the entrance hall, melting into the shadows behind a set of armor. The Marauders and Lily were already down there to 'set up their picnic’ more like an ambush. 

Why had he been so stupid, this could only end in pain? He was stupid, so, so stupid. Regulus would skin him alive if he found out. He had said to investigate Lupin - not throw himself head first into his own demise. This was absolutely- 

"There you are." His head snapped up at the words, his fist balled, shoulders trembling. His wide eyes meet Clara's confused frown.

She had changed into jeans and a T-shirt of some Muggleband, and was standing in front of the armor, right hand held out in front of her, wand balanced on her palm, the tip focused on Severus.

She had used a point me spell to find him. How stupid. He had learned to block that in second year - necessary when hiding from bullies - but in his terror he had forgotten.

"It is okay. If they try anything, I'm there to stop it. I sometimes help out the duelling club when they have an uneven number, so I can guarantee my skills." Clara put her wand away but held out her hand again. Severus eyed it, his breathing which had become  erratic slowly returning to a normal pattern.

He stepped out from his hiding spot, ignored her hand and walked to the door, stiff as a board, but moving. Clara thankfully didn't comment and simply followed, falling into steps beside him.

They neared the lake, and Severus saw them immediately - the scene so idyllic it could have come from one of the romance movies his mother had sneakily watched when his father had passed out drunk. A white and red checkered blanket was spread over the lush green grass, glass bottles of lemonade and juices, sandwiches in baskets lined with handkerchiefs, fruit in a glass bowl, small cupcakes sitting on a golden platter. It was extensive in a way Severus had never gotten used to in all his time in Hogwarts - still preferring the more simple and bland foods he was used to from home. He couldn't explain it, but whenever he indulged in the hearty food he started feeling sick after and not in a physical way, but in his chest. He threw up either way, but it was different. The body he could have pushed into submissions with potions, the mind was not so easy, he could only endure. Easy since Regulus had gotten the houselves to place food he could actually stomach near him - rice, beans, potatoes, vegetables.

Now it wasn't the food turning the stomach but the four figures on the blanket. Potter, Lupin, Pettigrew and Black, all sitting there.

Lily spotted them first. She waved excitedly, already half-standing. The others didn’t wave, but they didn’t reach for their wands either. They didn’t even move. Just sat there, calm, careful. All four wore short sleeves, their arms bare, no wand holsters in sight. As if that meant Severus was safe. He was never safe. 

He was nervous.

His cloak helped a little, a barrier between himself and the outside world, even if he looked an omen of death between the worn jeans, soft cotton and faded colors the others all wore. The cloak had been a gift from Regulus, a reminder he mattered. He wouldn't take it off. Wouldn't let them see the scars, the burns, the reminders he shouldn't trust them.

He should not have come here.

The blanket was large. Lily sat in the center, and the Marauders - he refused to call them anything else - clustered together on one side, leaving an awkward gap for Clara and Severus.

Still, the moment they reached the blanket, Clara dropped into the space Lily had saved for them with all the grace of someone who knew she was welcome. She gave a little wave and a cheerful “Hi,” and Severus cursed her internally.

He hesitated, his eyes flickering back to the safety of the castle. 

It was just a moment, but long enough to be noticed. 

He put all his focus on Clara, her relaxed shoulders, her easy smile, and ignoring the danger, he forced himself to sink onto the blanket. 

He waited. 

For a comment, a snicker, a joke about his attire, glances that told him he was beneath them.

They never came.

Instead, Pettigrew leaned forward and held something out - not his wand, not a weapon - a glass filled with sparkling pink liquid and berries bobbing in it.

“Um,” Pettigrew said, “I remembered you like raspberries. From the study sessions. I… hope that’s okay?”

So what? He had watched him and remembered something. That didn't make him a good person, didn't make the last years disappear. 

It was nothing. It meant nothing .

He took the drink. Because what else could he do?

Pettigrew smiled like Severus had handed him a gift. He bounced slightly as he sat back, like a pleased puppy. There was no cruelty there. No hidden blade. Just someone… nice.

Peter Pettigrew. Nice.

Severus stared at the cup in his hands like it might explode. Maybe he had spit in it beforehand? As a... prank? Why else would he make sure to hand it to Severus personally?

He subtly let his wand slide into his hand and cast a few detection spells, wordlessly and with minimal movement, barely there flickers - he was not an idiot alright. Everything was in order, no poison, potion or bodily fluids. Just raspberry juice, sparkling water and berries. Not even an obscene amount of sugar.

He took a small sib. It was good.

Meanwhile, Potter was talking, keeping everyone's attention and proving an excellent cover for Severus' magic. He was loud, boisterous, everything Severus hated about him, but he couldn't find the usual cruelty. Not when Potter was turned towards Pettigrew, nudging him softly as he made sure the boy felt included. 

There was no condescension masked as banter, no snide remarks hidden behind smiles, unlike the Slytherins there didn't seem to be a hidden agenda here. It was throwing Severus off.

The Potter looked at Lily and Severus could watch in real time as his features changed, and a besotted look entered his face.

Lily laughed at something Potter said and elbowed him hard in the ribs. “If you keep talking, you’re going to choke on your sandwich.”

“I will die a legend ,” Potter wheezed, and Lily rolled her eyes before leaning against his shoulder.

And Severus - Severus had to look away. It hurt. It hurt how happy she looked. How easy they were together. Like there had never been another boy in her life. Like Severus had been completely erased. 

Because he had to remember that he wasn't Severus, not right now. Lily was still estranged from her childhood friend. He was Elias, a random Slytherin she had decided to befriend instead of trying to rebuild something with him.

Lupin was watching, but not unkindly. “You alright, Elias?”

Despite his own reminder he still flinched at the name.

He nodded stiffly. He couldn't tell them, he didn't want to.

Lupin smiled, small and soft. "You should try the oatcakes, they are wonderful." Lupin didn't hand him anything, for which he was glad, just pointed at a container filled with small cookies made from oats. Next to him, he saw what looked like mashed potato under a stasis charm and some hard-boiled eggs. All the stuff he could eat. 

His eyes narrowed as he stared at Lupin. How did he know, did he suspect? But no, he had been in the great hall as Elias when Regulus had been busy and the house elves focused on his magic had still given him easy to stomach stuff. So Lupin must just have seen that, the attentive bastard.

He took a cookie, he bit into it. It tasted faintly of banana, but mostly oats. It was good.

The conversation moved around him like a river. At one point, Potter knocked over his cup with a sweeping gesture and splashed lemonade across Lupin’s leg.

“Shite- sorry!”

Before anyone could react, Pettigrew had already pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and passed it over, wordless.

No scolding. No laughing. Just… help.

Severus swallowed hard.

It was too much.

He glanced at Black then, since he was the only one not acting completely unlike himself. Well, okay he was acting strange but not weirdly strange.

Unlike his usually bright persona, he was quiet. Withdrawn.

He sat with one knee up, chin resting on it, eyes half-lidded behind those ridiculous lashes, saying little. But Black wasn’t watching the group.

He was watching Severus.

But every time Severus made eye contact, Black looked away, like he couldn’t bear to be caught.

There was something in that. Something Severus couldn't place. It made him uncomfortable, since not knowing was dangerous. But at the same time it made Black seem vulnerable, something Severus had never expected of him.

It was only on his way back from the event, stomach full and body still intact, that it hit him.

They weren’t who he thought they were. Weren't at all like he remembered from the beginning of the year.

Potter wasn’t the boy who hexed him in the hallway. Not today. Not here.

Pettigrew wasn’t the snickering shadow who followed the cruelty like it was a sport.

Lupin wasn’t the lurking danger, the beast hidden behind sheep's clothing.

They were people. They were trying to befriend him.

And that was the worst thing.

Because now he couldn’t just hate them anymore. Couldn't blame everything bad on them, make them his scapegoat. Now he couldn’t just go on pretending they were the same as before.

Clara beside him, escorting him all the way to the entrance to the common room, leaned over and whispered, “You’re allowed to let people in. I won’t be here forever, and I would feel better knowing you won’t be alone.”

Severus didn’t answer.

~*~

The courtyard was quiet - no wonder, late in the evening and slowly approaching curfew. Still Severus wasn't worried, he had time and even if not he was well-adjusted to sneaking around without being caught. And if worse came to worst, who would they give detention? A Slytherin that wasn't on any roaster, and no one knew?

He had a book tucked under one arm as he made his way back to the common room from the library. The issue of being unable to give his magical signature to check out a book quickly resolved, with Potter falling over himself to check out his and Lily's books - properly to impress her. Even if Severus didn't know what was so impressive about a task she could have easily done on her own, but she had giggled so he guessed girls liked that stuff. Severus didn't understand people in general, and girls even less.

He was just stepping back inside when Evan Rosier stepped out of a shadowed alcove, followed by two of his cronies. The situation felt very familiar only this time it was not the Marauders blocking his path but his own housemates.

“Well, well,” Rosier sneered. “If it isn’t the Gryffindor lapdog.”

Mulciber and Avery nodded to emphasize his point like stupid bobble heads.

Severus didn’t startle. His instincts screamed danger, but he forced himself to hold the same flat expression he always had. But his pulse ticked up when he noticed the way Rosier’s eyes narrowed - studying him.

“I don’t know you,” Rosier said, stepping closer, chin tilted like he already knew the answer. “And I know everyone in our house. So who the hell are you?”

“Elias Prince,” Fuck. Just roll with it, too late to change it now, at least he hadn't said Black for Regulus. That would have been worse. “Transfer from Beauxbatons. Or did you sleep through the announcement?” Distract him with insult. That always worked.

Rosier’s lip curled. “You’re not in our dorm. You’re not on the roster. Never at class. You don’t exist.”

“Maybe I just don’t like your company.”

Which was true, but the wrong answer to avoid a confrontation - Severus had really gotten used to the Gryffindor bluntness to play the Slytherin word games. 

Rosier’s face hardened. “You don’t get to hang around with Gryffindors, insult me , and pretend you belong in Slytherin. What the fuck are you playing at?”

Severus held his ground. “I’m not playing.”

“No?” Mulciber cracked his fist - as if he had ever been in a real fight, as if he wouldn't start crying the moment a nail got chipped. “Then maybe it’s time we show you what happens to traitors that spread their legs for filthy Mudbloods.”

That made Severus look at them - really looked - and something clicked inside him with the finality of a snapped wand.

He felt… nothing.

Not anger. Not fear. Not the usual coil of guilt that told him these were comrades, his House, his allies that suffered with him under the unfair treatment of the system.

Only disgust.

Looking at it objectively, he had nothing in common with these people. Maybe at some point in first year, when he was young, filled with cold rage from being insulted during the train ride, and consumed by the need to prove himself, to show anyone he was more than the filth from the street, he had belonged. But the older he got and the more disillusioned he got, the further he had grown from the others. And the last months when he had got a glimpse of a completely different world, and got to come out from his shell without rebuke he realized he no longer belonged

It was not the values of the House that were the issue as Severus was still plenty ambitious and cunning but the people.

They were cruel. Small-minded. Obsessed with blood and legacy. Trampling everyone for their own gain.

All except Regulus.

Regulus had been the only reason Severus could stomach returning to the dungeons every night. His constant. His anchor. 

Severus couldn’t regret being sorted into Slytherin - because it had given him Regulus. And Regulus was the only thing that had kept him going, in the darkest times when the bullying had been at its worst and Lily had abandoned him, when there had been nothing good in his world anymore.

But now? Now that he had Regulus and people like Clara, Lily, even the cursed Marauders starting to treat him like a person?  

Slytherin had nothing left to offer him.

“You think I owe you because we share a banner? I’d rather sit through dinner with twenty Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs than spend another minute breathing the same air as you.”

Avery stepped forward, wand drawn. “You little-”

Mulciber raised his wand.

And something inside Severus snapped.  

“You want to hex me?” he said, voice quiet and cold. “Try.”

Rosier blinked. “What?”

“I said try. Go on. I don’t need a wand to drop you flat.”  

His voice didn’t shake, it hardened. The usual low and measured tone he deployed was gone, replaced by a rough gravel that not even the voice changing potion could mask. This was no longer the front of Elias he put on but Severus Snape through and through.

“You think I'm scared?” he said, stepping forward now. “Slytherin does nothing but breed thugs and cowards. You're not clever. You’re pack animals playing pureblood politics like first-year Gobstones.”

“Watch your mouth-”

“Why? What are you going to do? Insult my blood? My friends? Go ahead. At least they aren’t spineless parasites feeding on each other's egos.”

The confrontation was no longer avoidable. Severus didn't care. For once, he didn't want to hold back, he wanted to let loose, destroy, let his magic tear apart who stood in his way.

And then-

“Everything okay here?”

James Potter’s voice, clear and cutting through the tension like a knife. He stood at the end of the corridor, wand loose in his hand, Lupin and Pettigrew just behind.

For a moment, Severus froze. He was good but facing the Marauders and Rosier at the same time was pushing it. Until his mind caught up with his racing heart, and he remembered that the Marauders were acquainted with Elias, that he had nothing to fear. In fact, it was more likely they would back him up than anything else.

Evan’s lips twisted. “Aw, look, your little Gryffindor fan club came to rescue you.”

Potter walked forward with a confident swagger. “Funny. I was about to say the same thing about you lot. Can’t go anywhere without your backup, Rosier? Worried someone might ask you to think?”

Avery pointed his wand at Potter - Lupin stepped forward.

“Try it,” Lupin said calmly. “Go ahead.” That gave Severus pause. Because in all his years of clashing with the Marauders, Lupin not once had stepped in. Not to stop it, but also not to help. But right now it looked like he was moments away from throwing spells.

Pettigrew’s eyes flicked between them all, wide and alert. He wasn’t trembling. Not here. Not with his friends.

Evan hesitated. They all did.

Because even with Black missing, the Marauders looked like a wall, an unstoppable force. And to Severus they didn't look like bullies but like reinforcements.

“Whatever,” Rosier muttered, stepping back. “Not worth it.”

He brushed past Severus with a final glare. “This isn’t over.”

Severus stood still until their footsteps vanished around the corner.

His hands were shaking - all the magical energy he had already gathered to unleash his spells now with nowhere to go.

Potter turned to him - not triumphant - just worried.

“Are you alright?” he asked. “They didn’t—?”

“I’m fine.” His voice came out harsher than he meant, a hiss as he forced down the energy back through the floodgates inside his chest. “You didn’t have to interfere.”

James shrugged. “Didn’t do it for you. Did it because Rosier’s a bastard.” He paused. “Okay, maybe a little for you.”

Lupin offered a half-smile. “I bet you could have beat them without our interference. We just wanted to save them the embarrassment."

Pettigrew stepped closer, working his lower lips between his teeth. "You sure you are okay, your hands-" And with this Severus finally managed to push down the tidal wave of energy and lock the door. His breathing evened out instantly, his face smoothed, and the trembling ceased. "Or never mind"

Potter said brightly. “So since I bet they are waiting for you in the common room, wanna come hang out with us instead. Rules say you have to be in the common room for curfew but never which one."

It was stupid. There was no way he could enter the Gryffindor common room. Plus, there was no need to. He could just take the counterpotion, return to being Severus, and he would be fine. 

Seeing his hesitation, Lupin added: "And we have a way to sneak you back later.” 

Were they talking about Potter’s cloak? Severus knew about it. He wasn't stupid. It was still surprising they would reveal such a big secret to someone they hadn't known for long, and that was only just starting to look at them with anything but suspicion.

He still hesitated. So far, he had never snuck into the Gryffindor common room. No need to expose himself to all the danger. Especially since he had nothing real to gain from it, but now he had been invited.

Regulus had said to take any advantage offered. Given he had properly not meant something this stupid, but still. 

Plus, if it was Gryffindor which meant Clara and Lily would be there as well. If anything went wrong, he was sure Clara would have his back.

“… Yeah,” he said quietly. “Alright.”

Pettigrew beamed. Lupin nodded. James gave him a thumbs up.

And for once, he didn’t feel like running.

Instead, he followed them all the way up the stairs till they ended in front of the portrait hiding the Gryffindor common room. He slowed down as they drew near, realizing how stupid this was. The guardian wouldn't even let him in. And even if he managed to get past, the other Gryffindors would instantly attack.

"Elias come one." His eyes snapped up as he saw the portrait muster him.

"I will allow it only because he looks very polite. But if he breaks anything, that's on you three." What? It couldn't be that easy! What kind of security just went, oh yeah you look nice, come in and rob us blind? 

Apparently the Gryffindor one.

Stepping inside, he braced himself, arm tense, ready to flick the wand from the holster it was in. As expected the common room was loud, not rowdy, surprisingly, but loud, as people chattered, laughed, or walked around. Severus would even call it homey if there wasn't such a fear inside his throat.

He could pinpoint the moment he was spotted, as suddenly the noise level dropped rapidly. 

Fuck.

"Isn't that Morven's genius?" The first one broke the silence, and it was like an avalanche.

"No. Way"

"Isn't he super shy?"

"Oh, he is so small. Do they not feed him in Slytherin?"

"So adorable!"

"Shut up, you are scaring him."

"You shut up!"

Okay, no one could blame Severus for strategically placing the Marauders between himself and the rest of the room. It was the best move since any spells would hit them first.

"Aww."

And then the person he could always count on, his saving grace, appeared. "You scoundrels! Are you trying to steal my little snake? And that's right under my nose." Clara was puffing up, walking past the Marauders, and laid a soft hand on Severus’ shoulder.

"Please, we know better than to piss you off like this." Lupin was quick to reassure, even if Potter looked very smug.

"We are just offering asylum. Some Slytherin nobodies were causing trouble. He can hide here until things have calmed down." Potter looked mighty proud of himself, not knowing what he had just done.

"Are you okay?  Names! I need names." Clara's eyes were flickering over him, searching for any injuries. It was embarrassing being treated like a kid in front of so many people.

"Fine. I had it handled. The meddling was totally unnecessary."

"Well, maybe we were saving them from you and not the other way round. Can't help us with runes when you are stuck in detention." Pettigrew answered cheekily.

"As if I would have got caught. Is this amateur hour?" He puffed up slightly offended until he caught himself, realizing he was joking along with the Marauders. The smirk instantly vanished as his face returned to an emotionless mask.

Lupin held up his hands in mock surrender. "Alright, alright, I will call you when I have to bury a body. Now sit down. We have enough space." Severus found himself shepherded to a set of comfortable chairs. As he had expected, there were snacks, lots of them. Luckily, someone pushed a mug of tea into his hand so he wasn't stuck with the overly sweet pumpkin juice everyone else was drinking.

He let the warmth of the tea settle in his hands, the mug anchoring him as he took a cautious sip. Not bad. Still too sweet, but drinkable. It kept him calm, even when Black took the farthest chair away from him. He was still cautious of this specific Marauder, for his own and Regulus' sake. The others had made more headway easing themselves into Severus' good graces.

Potter flopped onto the chair beside him, a plate of chocolate biscuits in one hand. “So,” he began, casually, “what exactly were you planning to do back there? You know, when Avery had his wand practically in your eye socket?”

Lupin, seated cross-legged on the floor nearby, gave him a sharp look. “James.”

“What? I’m not accusing, just genuinely curious. Because I’ve seen duels. I’ve seen nerves of steel. But that,” he whistled, “that was something else. You didn’t even reach for your wand.”

“I had it handled,” Severus said calmly, sipping his tea.

“Right,” Black muttered. “You against three . All wand-out. And you apparently just stood there, like they were three overgrown squirrels.”

Pettigrew blinked. “Were you bluffing?”

“No,” Severus said simply. “I didn’t need my wand.”

They stared at him.

Potter’s brows lifted. “... What, like…actual wandless casting?”

“Is there another kind?” Severus said coolly, folding his arms.

Pettigrew’s mouth dropped open. “Bloody hell. That’s not even on the syllabus.”

“No, it’s not,” Black said, eyes wide as he continued to stare at Severus with a healthy flush on his face. “That’s- really hard.”

Lupin, to his credit, just looked intrigued. “That explains the pressure shift. I thought I imagined it. But it had to be your magic.”

A reluctant smirk tugged at Severus’s mouth before he could stop it. So what if he was proud to be able to do things most couldn’t achieve during their school career - or at all.

“I’m surprised you noticed.”

“I notice a lot,” Lupin said with a shrug. “So do you.”

Severus hummed noncommittally and took another sip of tea, the mug still warm in his hands. The attention was uncomfortable, but not in the way he expected. They weren’t looking at him like he was strange or dangerous. They were… impressed.

That was worse, somehow.

Black let out a low whistle. “You know, if we dropped you in the library and came back a week later, you’d probably have rewritten half the books there because they are wrong.”

Pettigrew laughed, wide-eyed. “Seriously, how can you be so good? How do you remember it all?”

Potter grinned, half-joking, but very impressed. “Merlin’s arse, I bet your brain catalogues spells alphabetically.”

The words hit like a fist.

Suddenly, everything in the room tilted as a troll squeezed his chest.

Severus wasn’t here. Not in this chair. Not in Gryffindor Tower with tea and firelight and laughter. He was fourteen again, blood dripping down his nose and tears in his eyes. His hands wouldn't stop shaking with rage, at himself for falling for a cheap trick despite being a superior duelist. A trick that had cost him the three against one he had unwillingly become a part of. 

James Potter circled him like a shark, voice syrup-slick and cruel. Smuck with his victory, not caring that the outset had already been unfair and had only been made worse by the prank item they had thrown at Severus.

"Merlin’s arse, I bet your brain catalogues spells alphabetically."

Black had laughed then, sharp and mean and ringing too loud in his ears. “Snivellus the Study Guide. Could actually have archived something if he wasn’t a fucking Snake. I bet it is all dark magic in there.” He flickered his wand and a spell headed for Severus’ head he was barely able to dodge by throwing himself to the side, even if it bruised his knees.

Pettigrew had chuckled, entertained, despite being absolutely useless in the fight.

He could still hear the laughter.

His nails bite into the skin of his palm. Pain shot down his arms forcefully pulling himself back to the present in a response so practiced the faint half moon scars would never fate. Because Severus was a snake, an outsider, a target, who didn’t have the luxury of panic attacks, of fear, of faltering.

Not if he wanted to survive.

Back in his body he was still sitting in the Gryffindor tower, nothing had changed, no one seemed to have even noticed his mind being consumed by pain.

Pettigrew was still chuckling.

Potter reached for another biscuit.

Everything was normal. And that was the worst part.

They didn’t even remember. Didn’t know they had used the exact same words to mock him before after they had hurt him, just because he was wearing another tie, they - they had no idea they were even the same person. That they were hanging out with Severus and not just a Slytherin they didn’t know. Had no idea how much it had cost Severus to even be in the same room as them. 

The words that had gutted him were nothing to them. Background noise, just a joke.

His fingers clenched around the mug, breath shallow. He could hear the roaring now - not from the fire, but inside him as his magic fought to be free, to be let loose and destroyed like he had been destroyed. He had a lot of practice ignoring what his magic wanted - what would be better for him. Because even if it would bring relief for a short while it would bring his life crashing down like a house of cards.

How could he have been so stupid?

So with no way to lash out, he could only direct his anger inside. Because he had been stupid. An absolute idiot. He knew who they were. What they’d done. He had worn their bruises, and had the scars to prove it. 

And still he had come here, had let down his guard, and had tried to pretend - that they were strangers, blank slates, someone that still had a chance. But they weren’t. And he had only himself to blame for the iron stabbing into his chest now, for taking off his armor and standing there just waiting for them to strike.

He should have known better.

“Hey.”  A voice, soft. Close. He looked up in worried gray eyes and for a moment he wanted to throw himself forward and embrace the safety. But then he noticed the lack of the specs of green that were so prominent in Regulus' eyes.

This was not his best friend, his anchor, his soulmate, the one that would be by his side until they died. This was Sirius, the traitor, the one who abandoned his blood without a second thought. Left Regulus to struggle on his own. This, if nothing else should have shown him the Marauder’s true nature, Severus should never have done anything but hate them.

Black was sitting up, arms loose around his knees, gaze steady - watching Severus like he was something breakable. There was no grin. No mockery. Just worry.

“Elias?” he said. “You alright?”

Severus opened his mouth. No sound came out.

Black didn’t move closer. Didn’t crowd. He just tilted his head and said, carefully, “It was meant as a compliment. James is just a bit rough with his words sometimes.”

Severus blinked hard. His throat was closing. Because they didn’t understand, could never understand. He knew it was meant as a compliment, just as it was meant to cause pain before.

Then he was standing.

He didn’t remember moving, not really. But suddenly he was halfway across the room.

“Elias?” Lily called, confused. “Wait-”

But he didn’t wait.

He ducked outside the portrait and vanished into the first hidden passage he knew, heart hammering against his ribs, shame rising like bile. All he wanted was to feel safe again.

Everything seemed to blur as he just ran, down and down and down, towards the dungeon, towards safety.

Until his mad dash came to a sudden halt.

“Let me guess,” came a familiar voice, dry and unimpressed, from the shadows. “You were bested by emotions, again.”

Regulus stepped out from a hidden alcove, arms crossed, expression unreadable. His tie was half undone in an uncommon show of casualness.

Severus startled. “What are you-”

“You weren’t there for curfew,” Regulus said simply. “And Avary came back all huffing and puffing.” Which was a way better explanation as a missed curfew, since Severus only took that as a guideline, especially when there was brewing to do.

Severus’s mouth twisted. “They didn’t do anything besides spout some nonsense. As if they are even good enough to best me.”

Regulus raised a brow. “You’re pale. Breathing like you’ve just hexed someone. And you’re trembling. So try to run that by me again, and this time without lying.”

“I’m not-” He bit back the denial as his hands betrayed him.

Regulus waited. He always did. He didn’t need to push. He just waited for Severus to unravel himself.

And Severus did.

“The Gryffindors came to my rescue .” He scoffed at that. The fact that people who had been the aggressors for years played white knight should have been the first sight of something being wrong. How could he have been so stupid.

“Since Morven actually has some common sense, I can assume it was the more idiotic kind. Which meant my brother would be right with them.” He spat the words like they were poison.

“He wasn’t. Just the other three.” Not that it made a difference, since he had been there later.

“So they stole your opportunity to finally give our big mouthed housemates what they deserve? Or assumed you needed rescue when it wasn’t the case?” Regulus started to frown as none of his assumptions were the case. Because that would have been easy enough to fix with some bitching and throwing some spells at each other to show off. But the issue this time ran way deeper.

“They invited me to their common room to hang out until things calmed down.”

“So what? They just let you into their common room? That's terrible security.” Regulus exclaimed, mirroring Severus’ prior sentiment. “Did they use the chance of you being in enemy territory to do something?”

“They joked around, complimented me.” Severus fell silent, thoughts trying to drag him back into the past again. A hand on his arm broke him out of it before he was forced to drag himself out with pain again. “The same words. They used the exact same words.”

Regulus blinked once. “What words?”

“They tried to be nice,” Severus spat. “At least- I think they did. It wasn’t like back then , not really, it was-” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “It doesn’t matter. It felt the same.”

There was a long silence. Then Regulus said, flatly:

“You got attached.”

Severus’s head snapped up.

Regulus stepped closer, gaze cold and precise now. “You did the one thing you were never supposed to do. Our goal was to observe, to gain intel, to learn about them. To be nothing but the role. To push them down for your own gain. And instead, you went and got yourself emotionally compromised. Again.”

Severus could only duck his head because it was true. He had gotten attached. Had let himself get carried away. But he couldn’t admit it. Couldn’t show how much of a failure he was.

Severus’s jaw clenched. “They were different this time. They changed.” Because they were. He couldn’t just forget about everything nice they had done. How kind they had been at times.

“Did they? Or were you so desperate to believe you forgot who these people were? Because they can smile, can be kind, but that doesn’t mean they won’t turn around and hurt you when it suits them.”

Severus didn’t respond. His throat was tight. Was this what finally convinced Regulus he was not worth the trouble. The issue that made him see he would be better off without Severus.

Regulus moved beside him, not touching, but close. A quiet, steady presence.

“I don’t care if they tricked you,” he said. “I care that you walked into the lion’s den and nearly let your guard down long enough to get eaten.”

“I didn’t-”

“You did ,” Regulus snapped. “Because it hurts more now, doesn’t it? Because you started to believe they weren’t the same people, that the bullies were gone. You trusted them.”

Severus looked down. “I just wanted to be happy.”

Regulus exhaled slowly. Then, softer: “That’s the part they’ll always use against you.”

Another silence stretched between them until Regulus took his hand to guide him back to the Slytherin common room.

“Never forget who you are. Or who they are.”