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Chapter Text

SOLAR POV

“Boss,after I stack these up,I’m going home,”called out Solar.

The darkness outside began to settle in as time passed by. While piling up said boxes,he thought about that day.A year since he last celebrated his birthday with his brothers.Thought about the day they left,their expressions.

Halilintar’s glare.Thump.Taufan’s eyebrows pressed together.Thump.Gempa’s stiff farewell.Thump.Blaze’s hatred flaming in his eyes.Thump.Ais’ blank stare that was devoid of emotion.Thump.Duri biting his lip,holding back his bitter tears.

‘Ironic,’he thought.’I have six other brothers but now I’m all alone,because of my stupidity.Even if I tried to make amends,it wouldn’t be enough.’

After he finished his task,he took his back from the back of the shop and trudged onto the street.Looking around,surrounded by the dark of the night ,he knew he had to take the shortcut since he had school the next day.Tingling his heart,he felt a sense of foreboding but he had to reach home as soon as possible.He walked towards the alley to save half an hour from the forty minute journey.As he walked step by step,he heard the sound of foreign footfalls behind him.

Before he could react,a gloved hand was clamped around his mouth and something flared in his lower back. Not being the first time this had happened,he turned around to see the assailant.Eyes widened in fear and he knew that he wasn’t getting out there alive.

”Retak’ka,”he snarled in the most menacing voice he could manage.”Y-you…”

”Me?Yes,me.Don’t you remember?Now you’ll pay the price.”He flashed an inhuman smile as held Solar’s back and twisted the serrated knife stuck in his body,tearing a guttural scream from Solar’s voice chords.

Solar’s knees buckled as he coughed out blood.Knowing Retak’ka,the blade was probably coated in some sort of poison.He watched Retak’ka disappear before his eyes,as if he had never been there.With the strength he had left,he took out his phone from his bag and dialled.

Duri-Calling

Solar hoped Duri would answer,since they were closest to each other before everything he had started.He didn’t have much hope anymore,just hanging on to his will to live.

DURI POV

Plant destroyer-Calling

He let the phone ring.He wasn’t going to fall for Solar’s tricks.Never again. Destroying his plantbed was even worse than killing himself in the painful way imaginable and Solar being Solar,he did exactly that. Ais was annoyed by Duri’s ringtone and told him to just decline it.(Note:Duri’s ringtone for Solar and a bunch of other people is just a recording of someone screaming twerk.Do not ask where he got it from.)

Duri told Ais who had called and he agreed with him, comprimising with a decrease in volume.In the deep of his heart,he had the instinct to answer it,but his hatred overpowered it,thus ignoring the call.

SOLAR POV

Solar paled.Duri wasn’t answering.He began to feel his lips trembling and heart beating weakly against the dirty alleyway,no longer able to find the energy to support his own body from contact with the ground so as to not infect his wound. He couldn’t crawl out. He would probably die of exertion if he even took another step.

He felt only his mouth and fingers could work,because the rest of his body was wreathed in a thorny bush of pain,guilt settling on to his chest.His eyes felt like they were burning and blurred by his tears.Wait,he was crying?He hadn’t cried since he was twelve,before he realised crying was for the weak and would spoil his image as the cool,smart and popular student in his school.

As he wracked his being for the strength to turn his head sideways,’Last ditch attempt,’he weakly thought.

Gempa-Calling

He glanced at his phone and saw the caller ID:***** liar.He was going to leave to leave it ringing but his heart tugged painfully,as if to urge him to answer the call. He followed it,with the reason that his instincts were always on point.He answered the call.

”Solar?”

Silence filled the moment. Then just as he was about to put down the call,a voice croaked.

”H-hi…”

”What do you want?My money?My rep?”

”N-no…I-I just wanted to…to…say happy birthday.”

Gempa stopped for a minute.He had been so busy with examinations he didn’t realise that day was indeed his birthday.He was also befuddled by Solar’s voice.His usual cold and harsh tone was small and vulnerable.Something wasn’t right.

“I love all of you…A-and I’m so sorry for what I did.I’m sorry,Abang…Please don’t —“Solar’s sentence died off.He heard a sharp inhale and laboured breathing.Few seconds later,he heard coughing.The sounds made his heart ache twisting some imaginary thorn in his chest.He tried to listen for more but the line was silent. Now he could confirm that something was definitely wrong.

“SOLAR! SOLAR? WHERE ARE YOU? SOLAR! ADIK!”Gempa screamed into the phone. There was no answer.

Duri who heard Gempa screaming came rushing and asked why he was screaming for Solar.Without answering,Gempa pulled him along with two jackets in hand,out of the house,after writing a note to explain their sudden disappearance. Gempa dialed his mother’s number and was immediately answered.

”Assalamualaikum,Gempa.What do you need?I’m busy with work now.It’s late,why are you still awake,sayang?”

He cut straight to the point.

“Wa’alaikumussalam,Ibu.Where’s Solar?”

”Oh…He’s at work now.He still hasn’t called me to tell me he’s reached home,though.It’s forty minutes away.”

His mother’s statement shocked Gempa. Solar? Work? The Solar who wouldn’t lift a finger to help,working?And forty minutes away?Unbelievable.But his mother had said it.It couldn’t be a lie.So he told his mother about the call.His mother immediately told them to catch the nearest train but that wasn’t necessary. Gempa and Duri were already on the train,with Duri complaining nonstop.

Half an hour later,Amato picked them up from the train station and got to the place Solar was working in 20 minutes.

When they reached,they bumped into the shop owner,who was closing up the shop.Gempa spoke up.

”Is Solar with you?”

A confused no came as the answer.”He went home an hour ago.Is he not home?”

The panic switch in Gempa flipped and sent the adults to one way and the duo in the other.About 15 minutes later,a metallic scent filled his nose.He wanted to vomit but Duri was there.He was a sympathy vomitter.He told Duri to stay outside as he went into the alley,which he had confirmed was the source.Curiosity overwhelmed his heart,he switched on his phone’s torchlight and shined it around to explore further. Then he saw it.

A body with a knife embedded,crimson blooming like a beautiful flower onto the boy’s jacket,seeping into the cracks of the concrete.Head tilted sideways,with a phone in hand.His mouth was grotesquely splattered with blood.The only thing that was clean was his eyes,still wet from crying. Even those were half closed,lifeless.As he observed,everything started to come together but he didn’t accept it.It simply couldn’t be.He walked out of the alleyway,heartbroken as he told Duri,

”Duri,call 999.Don’t come here. It’s a murder scene. A-and…I…I found our brother.”

Chapter Text

DURI POV

“N-n-nooo…Nooo.You’re joking. Please,please tell me you’re joking,Abang.No,it can’t be.”Duri blurted out immediately.”Let me go! I want to see him! I don’t give a fuckdamn!” He choked out through his own tears.

The phone call Solar gave…it was his last chance to hear Solar. But no,he was so damn fixated on his hate he never thought of the possibility of Solar being sincere.He pushed through Gempa,finally having a full glimpse of the corpse that used to be his baby brother,his little sun.

His eyes first registered his stature,which was smaller than he could last remember. Then he saw lines of infection along his pale face,eliciting a sob.His half-lidded,silver-irised,bloodshot eyes were still brimmed with tears,mouth painted with a crimson red. The knife in Solar’s lower back dripped black and red with blood and something else he didn’t recognise.

He felt like he wanted to vomit,cry and hug his deceased brother and say sorry,but all he could do was be rooted onto the path,at a loss of words.’Had Solar died thinking I hated him?Had I answered his call,would he still be alive?’he thought,guilt consuming his entire being.

He crouched down to run his fingers through his hair and hug him in hope that he would come back to life. His hand freezed as he reached forward.But Solar was dead.And there was nothing he could do to bring him back. Even if he could,Gempa noticed and restrained him from doing so.It was a murder scene. Now that he saw Gempa’s sadness and loss in his eyes,he was snapped out of his denial and was faced with the cold,harsh truth.

Silently,Gempa took his hand in his,gripping it tightly.It was as if he knew that his brain was going to spiral out of control and he would go hysterical. Solar was the closest to him. After all,they were the youngest amongst the brothers. Solar always helped him with his gardening until that day. The day Solar cemented his plants over,killing off his pride and joy.Solar even had the cheek to even say that it was for Duri’s own good and left it at that. Back then,he never pressed for a reason but now it had died with Solar.

GEMPA POV

Gempa couldn’t believe it all. He was still in the midst of processing everything.Solar was dead.Solar had a job.Solar said to him,to all of them.Solar had said his last words to him. Solar died alone,thinking all of them hated him.Solar had never grown.Solar. Solar. Solar.That was all he could think about.Solar Cahaya Bin Amato.His brother. His youngest. His little sun. The one he was supposed to protect. But at the time Solar had needed him most,when he was nearing death,Gempa wasn’t there. He thought a little deeper as they waited,why did they leave Solar? Was it just a spur of spite?

’I know he did some pretty unhinged things…but our reaction was way overboard. Maybe he had his reasons.But…’ He stopped thinking,trying to blind himself from reality.’It all died with him,Now…now I’ll never know.’

Just then,the ambulance and police had arrived,officially declaring the area a crime scene. And so did his parents and Solar’s boss.No.Late Solar’s boss.His mother’s knees buckled at the sight of her seventh son’s gory corpse. His father’s eyes seemed clouded,as if trying to block out the scene before him with an outcome that didn’t end in death. The ambulance carried Solar’s body to the hospital for an autopsy and the police to investigate the crime scene.

As the medics lifted him up onto a stretcher,they forgot to remove his phone from his grip and it clattered to the ground,causing an encore of Duri’s cries to not take him away.As they carried his body off,his brain finally realised that he still had not updated his other brothers yet. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Tok Aba,leaving that to his father. He didn’t want to but he did anyway,so that at least now his whole family could grieve together. His father would tell Tok Aba.

So he opened his group chat with his five other brothers.

Gempa:Is everyone still there?Still awake?

Halilintar:Yea

Taufan:Yepp

Blaze:Of course?Why did you run off with Duri?And what about Solar?Didn’t we all agree to leave him after what he did to us?

Ais:yea

Gempa was quite shocked by their quick reply,especially Ice’s.It was almost 11 o'clock but Ais, who loves sleeping,wasn’t asleep yet as he usually wouldn’t be awake this late at night.

GEMPA STARTS GROUP CALL…

Gempa:Abou why I ran off with Duri tonight,there’s something I need to say…
Halilintar:What?

Gempa sighed. He knew that Halilintar was a very straightforward person and had a detached tsundere personality as well. As much as he wanted to keep it to himself,the truth would reach them sooner or later. So he braved himself to say the words that he never thought he would have to say.
Gempa:Solar’s dead.

A reply came up.

Blaze:Is this payback for my prank from the other day?Are you joking,Gempa?Don’t say that. Saying Solar is dead goes too far,even if we all hate him.
Ais:Duri?Is it true what Abang Gempa just said?

Duri:Y-yea…I…I…I(whispers to himself, ‘oh,Solar’)

Halilintar:Fucking hell no.You’re lying Gempa.We don’t joke about death.You out of all us,should know.

Gempa:No,I swear on my life that I’m not lying,Hali.As much as I don’t want to say it,but Solar…he’s gone.

Ais: So…Duri,Solar’s call?That was his last call to you…

Duri:Yeah…I feel so bad right now.If I had answered,I could save him in time. And…
Duri braved himself to admit fault.

Duri:He wouldn’t leave us thinking that we…I still hated him.*sniffles*

Halilintar:We’re coming over.At our house?

Gempa:Yea.Go to the state hospital. For…Solar’s autopsy.

Halilintar:K.I’m putting down the call now.See you.

-ENDED CALL-

STILL GEMPA POV

In the car to the hospital,in his mind,drowned in thoughts while he took in the tension in the vehicle. His father was driving like the flipping wind.(And by wind I mean like 90km/h.)His mother put up a fine mask of silence,except for the occasional hitch in her breath now and then.He stoned,like his namesake and stared out of the window.

Duri was another story. He was full-on sobbing and wailing,snot dripping down his chin,mingling with his tears. Intervalled with screaming,Duri’s state represented the current situation all too simply. His heart now yearned for Solar’s sass and snarks,his hard-to-come smile,everything about him,down to the finest detail. His mind ran wild internally,unfocused.He just couldn’t.

Chapter Text

HALILINTAR POV

Halilintar ended the call. He sank to his knees,cradling his head in his hands and harshly pulling at his hair,causing his scalp to bleed. He remembered his only promise to his parents. Never let any harm come to his brothers. As the oldest,it was his responsibility. His responsibility to defend his brothers,keep them safe from the clutches of danger. And he failed. He failed his parents.He failed Solar,most of all. He looked around to see his brother's expressions.

Taufan was laughing hysterically,with an occasional ”What? He’s dead? He’s dead? He’s dead!”.The brother named after a cyclone truly embodied his name,uncontrollable and aimless once loose. Blaze’s eyes that were once alight were blank,as if the news had doused out the everlasting fire in his eyes. Ais was totally silent. The only sign he heard the news was the flowing tears in his eyes and shivering,despite the humid night air.His expression,however,remained stoic as ever.

They immediately booked a taxi to the state hospital,more accessible with that mode of transportation compared to the train. The taxi ride was silent,filling the pressuring atmosphere with awkwardness and tenseness. Soon,they reached the state hospital and filed out of the car after Taufan paid the taxi driver. They broke into a sprint as Halilintar called Gempa again,to ask where to meet.

They met outside the hospital,Halilintar’s adrenaline making him restless and the four were reunited with Duri,Gempa and their parents. They engulfed each other in an enormous hug and let go of all their feelings that were tweaking within them. Cried their hearts out until everybody’s clothes were damp with tears from another.

GEMPA POV
After they separated from the hug,Gempa opened his phone and went through his call log to stop at one call. Solar,10:07. 10:07 pm. The last living moments of his brother. Gempa forcefully breathed in.

How had he and his brothers been so cruel so as to realise how much Solar meant to all of them by his death?Why didn’t they forgive him,turn over a new page?He drowned in his pool of regret as he thought of all the other times Solar had called every now and then. Had those too,been peace offerings to reconcile?

He snapped himself to present day and told them the result of the autopsy. The autopsy claimed that the knife he had been stabbed with was coated in cyanide but no foreign fingerprints were found on his body or the knife. And it couldn’t be that he stabbed himself due to the angle of the blade. Later,the police called. The investigation had no results. It was as if Solar had been stabbed by a ghost.

At around midnight,they returned with their parents to the house they had left almost a year ago. Everything was exactly the same as how it was when they left,down to the angle of each photo frame. His heart twisted in melancholy as he saw the photo placed in the centre. A photo of his whole family. His parents,his grandfather,Halilintar,Taufan,Blaze,Ais,Duri,Solar and himself. When they were all still together. He let out a small sigh before heading to bed,thinking about how their lives had been turned inside out,upside down that night. The last night of Solar’s life.

TOK ABA POV

Tok Aba was on the bus back to Terengganu to his grandsons. As he thought of how to expand his cocoa business,a friend pointed out that his phone was ringing. He was a bit confused. It was 1 am. Why would anyone call him at such an ungodly hour? Switching on his phone,he saw that it was his only child calling him. He pressed the ‘accept’ button.

“Assalamualaikum,Amato,I’m on the bus back to Terengganu from Selangor.How are you,son?Is there anything you need?”Tok Aba inquired. It was unusual for Amato to call him as he texted more often.

“Ayah…come to my house,please,I…We need you,”Amato answered haltingly,as if there was a glass shard he was trying to cough up at the same time.

“Ok,I will come as soon as possible,okay?Assalamualaikum,son.”Tok Aba didn’t ask too much so that Amato’s fragile tone didn’t shatter,from what he heard from his voice. He knew something was off,but just didn’t know what.

“O-ok.Wa’alaikumussalam abah,bye.”Amato’s stutter rang through his ears as he put down the call.

Chapter Text

His night was full of fleeting yet vivid nightmares. First it was an image of Solar,stabbed over and over before his eyes,Solar’s blood spattered on to himself. And each time before he was stabbed,Solar’s silver eyes bore into his soul to save him from his misery but his desperation was not met. No matter how hard Duri tried to move,to throw himself in the way of the coming blade but he was only in the power to see the immeasurable pain in Solar’s eyes.

That gory scene was replaced with a scene that always played in the back of his mind. What Solar had done that day. It was unforgivable,irredeemable and absolutely hope-crushing. He was crying over his once-flourishing plant bed that now had become a flat layer of hardening grey cement. He had put so much time,effort and love into caring for his plants,only for them to be destroyed by Solar with a smug smile.

As Solar saw him crying,he said to Duri,”I’m the one who cemented it over,flower boy,so stop crying. It’s for your own good anyway.

Duri was speechless upon hearing Solar’s admission. He grabbed Solar’s collar and shook him.”What the hell do you mean,you did it? You cemented over my plants! How fricking dare you!” Duri released the brunt of his fury onto Solar.

Solar shamelessly laughed in twisted mirth and said,”you don’t know anything,Duri. You’ll see what I mean one day,you’ll see.”

He ripped himself away from Duri’s hold and stalked off. But suddenly,Solar stopped in his tracks and said to no one in particular,” At least I didn’t leave someone’s call when they were about to die. You don’t deserve to talk,okay?”

Duri’s tears involuntarily made a waterfall as he ran after his brother. He managed to catch up and grab his shoulder,only to have Solar crumbling,fragment by fragment,in his shaking hands. The last thing to fade away were his soulless eyes,staring into oblivion. Even that went away,leaving behind Solar’s visor,clattering onto the ground.

Duri kneeled onto the ground,his knees too weak to support himself. He trembled and curled into a ball,as if bracing for the emotional beat down he was about to experience. His breathing began to feel shorter and shorter each time,tears mixing with perspiration. He clutched his chest and someone shook him gently while patting his back,”Duri, Duri! Calm down,it’s just a dream. It’s just a dream,ok?”

He flitted open his eyes as he took in the current situation. He was in his shared room with Solar back at his old house. He turned his head to see the least likely person,Ais.

Duri couldn’t stop breathing hard. Even when he eventually did,it was punctuated by sniffles and hiccups. He pulled Ais to an embrace,holding on tight. Ais was tense at first by the sudden gesture but soon melted into it while running his fingers through Duri’s fluffy hair.

Soon,they pulled away and Duri looked at the cerulean-eyed boy. Ais,like his namesake,was always calm,relaxed and composed. Although he didn’t look like it,Duri knew that Ais was actually a flurry of emotions,each waiting to come out.

But that was the difference between Ais and himself,the one trait that made him the complete opposite of Ais. Ais was in control but he was not. Sometimes,Duri reverently wished he could be anybody,anybody but himself,to escape from whatever was in that scrambled brain of his.

He cried onto Ais’ shirt,sinking into another hug.Wailing and screaming,each time the desire to sacrifice himself in place of Solar grew like a weed,destructive if not rooted out.

Duri felt he was responsible for Solar’s death. He felt he was responsible for lettingSolar’s call go unanswered,his last line to the land of the living. He felt the burden of being the happy and innocent one thrust onto himself,harder than ever before.

He wasn’t dumb. But he wasn’t a prodigy either. The only thing that made him different from his outstandingly stellar brothers was his passion for gardening in this jungle of concrete and metal. Take that away from him,he was nobody.

No identity to stick to. So he had to be the optimistic one,the one to always look on the bright side of things,even in the bleakest of situations. Take a wrong step,and he would be forgotten amongst his exceptional brothers.

But that persona he had built,crumbled,bit by bit on that night.That nightmare made the final brick holding everything together crumble to nothing,destroying everything. Now,all that was left was a raw,untameable yet vulnerable child. Battered and broken. Two words that fit himself all too perfectly.

Ais slowly massaged Duri’s back while muttering things like,”It’s not your fault,Duri. Don’t blame yourself” and “I’m here,we’re all here,ok?”Ais then took Duri’s hands in his and rubbed the calluses on his fingers. He had a few,because of gardening and his horrible ass pen-holding position. It felt so comforting and soothing,but his heart felt too heavy to welcome it warmly. After kissing Duri’s forehead,Ais stood and left the room.

Duri literally felt his cheeks being water-coloured red in response to the affectionate gesture. Ais,the least articulate among them,comforted him. That…that really meant something. Ais wasn’t the first person you would look for to have a talk with. But in actual fact,he always listened,nodding at appropriate timing. Best of all,he didn’t snitch and kept everything private. But Duri couldn’t do that.another thing he hated about himself.

His mouth was like a firecracker,noisy and constantly annoying. Because of his ‘stupid’ questions,he was labelled as the ‘innocent’ one. He simply morphed into that because that was the only personality his older brothers didn’t have. Halilintar,distant but caring. Taufan was happy-go-lucky. Gemma was the part-time mother hen. Blaze was the prank child. Ais was chill and dead calm.

Solar…He still couldn’t think of him without feeling the guilt eat his soul. Sol…he was the snarky smart alec,always flexing his genius at every chance he had. He used to despise it through and through,but as time flew by that night,that was what was so endearing about Solar. What made Solar,Solar.

Chapter Text

Ais couldn't sleep for the first time in his life. He tossed and turned,in the process of strangling himself with his blanket.He had tried everything to fall asleep. Totally blanking his mind,hugging his narwhal plushie,sleeping in obscure and awkward positions,you name it,nothing worked.

The news was unsettling,to say the least. What had happened while they were gone? The murder was too traceless and cruel to be unplanned. What were Solar’s last thoughts? What the heck was Solar even doing in the alley?He stared at the ceiling,gazing at the snowflakes that he pasted when he was younger.

He had always liked the snowflakes,snow and cold, though rarely found in the tropical country of Malaysia. The snowflakes were countless yet unique. The snow would make so many people happy. The cold gave himself an excuse every time he blushed or snuggled up against his twin.

He used to listen to Solar blab about global warming. He closed his eyes,hoping to fall asleep,with Solar playing at the back of his consciousness.

Suddenly,he heard a stifled scream. He jumped and went in to check in on Duri. Only Duri had the voice to have such a shrill voice. He sounded like he had been run through,slapped in the face and ear-twisted at the same time. It pained Ais to hear his brother in such a state and slowly opened the door. Nobody else woke up to the sound,surprisingly.

He opened the door to see Duri on the bed,curled up into a ball,shivering despite being enveloped in a thick blanket. Duri’s hands were wildly grasping at nothing in particular and his breathing was noticeably loud and ragged.

Just as he thought that he should leave,he realised that it wasn’t just a dream. That dream was driving him into a panic attack. Ais immediately ran over to Duri’s side and shook and patted him slightly to wake him up. Duri bolted straight and his arm went straight to his chest,scrunching up his shirt.

His face was streaked with tears,sweat dampening his face and his whole body trembling uncontrollably. He needed to bring his brother back from that horrible nightmare.

Ais rubbed Duri’s back and whispered and rambled,”Duri,Duri! Calm down,it’s just a dream,ok? We’re all here to protect you. Just cry it out,ok. Just let it all out.“

A few minutes later,Duri raised his head to meet Ais’. His eyes looked fragmented and kept darting everywhere,looking at nothing in particular. Without warning,Duri wrapped his arms around his body. Ais went stiff,slightly stunned by the sudden hug but eventually returned the gesture before it got too awkwardly one-sided. And they pulled away,before it happened.

Duri broke. That’s the only way Ais could describe it. Duri clomped himself onto Ais’ shirt,crying and screaming his heart out. He screamed words,bare intelligible. Some of them were ‘Solar’,’I’m sorry’ and ‘It’s my fault’. He hugged Duri tightly,knowing that Duri needed all the help and support he could get to get through this. Thankfully,the panic attack he speculated did not occur.

Moreover,knowing that if Duri continued on with this,he would spiral down into self-loath and good knows what else. And it was Ais’ responsibility to take care of his younger brothers…no,brother. He took it upon himself to make his brother feel better,assuming his elder brotherly instincts.

He massaged and rubbed Duri’s back to calm him down and muttered some words. To assure himself or Duri that whatever happened wasn’t their fault,he wasn’t sure. After around half an hour,he took Duri’s hands in his and stroked his fingers. They were trembling and clammy,but it trembled less as time went by.

He took in the fact that it was now 5.00 am from the nearby alarm clock. He couldn’t go back to sleep or he would miss his morning prayer.

Soon,Duri’s breathing stabilised and had calmed down. Seeing that,Ais kissed the crown of his forehead and stood to leave the room. He went red at his own sudden show of love and walked out faster,not wanting Duri to see himself in such a flustered state.

Ais then got ready and woke up his other brothers and parents for morning prayers together. Just after they finished,the doorbell rang and heard his grandfather’s voice greeting,”Assalamualaikum,open the door,please”.

Gempa went and unlocked the door,proceeding to salam him before carrying his bags into the house. Tok Aba eased himself into a chair Amato ushered him to. After they all greeted Tok Aba,he voiced out his lingering thoughts that had been nagging at him since the phone call with Amato.

“Oh,it seems like everyone is here,hm? Except for Solar,where is the child? In his room?”

Their faces dropped,including his own,into a state of utter hopelessness and bleakness. And with that,cue Tok Aba going into interrogation mode.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 6

TOK ABA POV

“Solar? Where is he? Why are you all like that? What happened to him? Did anything bad happen to him? Is that why you called me earlier,Amato?”Tok Aba could talk like a flipping machine gun when he wanted to. He put the puzzle pieces together and refused to acknowledge what his mind had concluded.

“No…no…Innalillahi wainnailaihi rojiun. Amato,why did you not tell me this over the phone? When are you burying him or did you already?”

”I…I’m so sorry abah, I couldn’t tell you over the phone. But he’s gone…I’m so sorry abah…” Amato reddening,tears forming in his eyes.

Tok Aba calmed himself down,realising that his outburst had hurt Amato. He regained his composure and took a deep breath. He then asked Ais,knowing that he would be able to answer him without bursting into tears or breaking down.

“Ais,have you all buried him yet? If not,I can lead the funeral prayer.“

”Tok,we haven’t buried him yet. We were going to do the prayer during Zohor and bury him after that. The hospital said they would release his body after 11 o’clock.” Ais answered,with his voice breaking at the mention of ‘him’.

”Do you all need a hug? Come here,it’ll be alright,ok?” Tok Aba spread his arms wide,signalling that he wanted to comfort them all.

Soundlessly,they clumped together with Tok Aba as the center of gravity and sobbed for their lost one. He patted Amato’s back,telling him that death was a part of life,the only difference being when and why.

Tok Aba then gave them a talk about accepting things.(cos that’s what grandfathers always do.)He assured each and everyone of them that Allah loved him more and that now he was in a better place.

Time went by and soon,it was time to take Solar’s body from the hospital's mortuary. As Tok Aba saw his grandson,he truly understood the impact on his family. Solar’s eyes were closed,oh-so-peacefully. Yet,he knew that panic was the last emotion that the eyes behind it portrayed. His face was calm,yet Tok Aba knew that Solar was in extreme pain,to the very end.

He looked around,surveying his surroundings. Never had he thought he would be able to outlive his son,what more his grandchildren. But now,Solar Cahaya Bin Amato had passed. The last time he had been in such a place was when his late wife had passed away.

He glanced at his family’s faces to get a read of the room. Halilintar was shaking uncontrollably. Taufan’s expression was devoid of its usual smile or smirk,replaced with a fluctuating thin line. Gempa was caressing Solar’s face again and again,as if to imagine the warmth that once lingered. Blaze and Ais stood respectfully near,Blaze comforted by Ais.
Duri was an utter mess. He cried and cried,kissing Solar’s forehead,hugging his corpse before looking away,sobbing like there was no tomorrow. Duri’s reaction seemed exaggerated yet understandable. Duri had been the closest to Solar since young, many had teased them,as they were always found in a pair. Wherever Solar was,Duri was there and wherever Duri was,Solar was there. But since that happened,they drifted apart and this happened.

He looked at Amato and his wife,Aria,sending signals that he was there to support them. They were both crying,trying to console each other. Aria’s eyes seemed hollow,having experienced the death of her child,the light of her life,before her eyes. Amato gave effort to heed Tok Aba’s advice,but it was clear that his heart rebelled against it,but it was okay. Let it all out,but just pick yourself back up again.

AIS POV

He thought of the irony. The simile as pale as a corpse didn’t seem to apply to his family. Their faces were shades paler than Solar’s. Maybe the person who made the simile had never seen a mourning family,Ais thought. He thought about how Solar was named after light yet now he was to be eternally shrouded in gloom and darkness.

They brought Solar’s body to the burial services to wash and shroud him as per needed. He remembered complaining about having to learn how to settle a corpse before burial with his brothers. At that point of time,he never saw any use for learning it.

’Just learn,’ his mother said.’One day or another,it’ll be useful,ok? After all,we have to take care of each other,am I not right?’ Now,it was indeed put to use. Just not the person he expected it to be.

As Ais washed his body,he realised that there were several scars declaring his figure,some faded and some quite faded. The observation further darkened the expression in his eyes.

He poured water over his body,hoping with each drop of water,that one day he would be reunited with Solar once again to tell him how sorry he was and beg for forgiveness. After he poured all the water in the pail,he passed it over to Blaze,stepping back to avert his gaze.

Chapter Text

All of a sudden,he wasn’t in the room anymore. He was at home,lying in bed. As he was wondering what the heck he was doing there,somebody slammed the door open.

“Aisey! Wake up,let’s go out together with Solar! Come on,Abang,let’s go!”

Ais was shocked. Why was he in his room? Why was Duri still on good terms with Solar? Wasn’t Solar dead? Wasn’t he not even here? Wait,it was a dream. He decided to take it in stride,seeing it as a better option than to see Solar’s lifeless body.

He agreed and soon,they were out of the house. Duri and Solar headed to the flower shop and the bookshop respectively while Ais went to get a seat at the cafe where they would meet up later. He pulled up his hoodie to hopefully assimilate and not meet anyone he knew on the way there. With bad communication skills like Ais’,the last thing you would ever want would be a conversation with a classmate you barely talked to. Or worse. Just as he passed through an alley,a voice rang out.

”Hey there,pretty boy,where are you going? Come on here,I think I know you.Oh yes,I do. There’s no need to be shy,Aisyah.”

Ais stifled a scream. Even in his dreams,he couldn’t escape from his bullies. He walked on,feigning ignorance but was pulled into the alley by one of the bullies. He tried to wake up from the dream that was deteriorating into a nightmare,but he just couldn’t.

“Yo fat ass! You skinnied up,I see. But now you’re parading around like you own the entire world. Come on here and I’ll see where we can humble you down.”

He tried to back out from the alley but was held up by his collar by the one who had been speaking,Richard. Ais clawed helplessly at him,unable to breathe. Ariel,the leader of their gang,walked up to him,smiling sweetly to him as if he was a pot of honey.

Just as he thought that he was going to pass out because of the lack of air,he was unceremoniously thrown onto the ground. He coughed and hacked while greedily sucking in the rancid air around him. In the past,he used to be overweight and was often shamed for it.

And to add the cherry on top,he was introverted,hence the nickname Aisyah.This made him the prime target for bullies. Too bad he couldn’t simply just snap his fingers and change both his physique and personality. So even after he had slimmed down,he was still on the wanted list of a bunch of dumbass people with shit for brains.

They began to beat him up,eliciting pained yelps from Ais. He tried to defend himself using the silat moves he had been taught but his body was on shutdown. He cried for help,only to get a punch in the throat which mind you,was damn painful. Just as he was about to lose hope and give up fighting,a familiar eleven-year-old voice cried.

”Abang! Abang! What happened? You meanies,stop bullying my brother!”

Solar’s face glowered,as if wanting to square up with anybody who dared. And if looks could kill,the bullies would have died five times over. He literally radiated anger,making the bullies back away in surprise except for Ariel.

Waking from his stupor,Ais shouted,”Sol,get away from here! Call for help! Just go,I can handle this!” Trying to brush off the unsettling hand around his neck to assure Solar,his face planted onto the ground,causing Solar to instinctively rush over to catch him. Seeing the scene unfold before him,Ariel spoke up.

“Solar,darling,you see that tiny box over there? You do,right? Try to call for help, I’ll personally stuff you into that box,mkay? I know what you love and hate,all seven of you,so drop the act,dearie.”

Solar looked up at Ariel’s face,defiance written all over.

“Hmph,like I’d listen to whatever comes out of your stupid mouth. Abang Duri,I found Abang Ais! In the alley! In the all-“ His exclamation was cut abruptly by a hand clamped around his mouth,another arm wrapped around his torso.

“Sol-sol,didn’t I tell you? What would happen if you called for help? You seemed to forget,but it’s okay,I’ll remind you.Show and tell,shall we? Come,sweetheart,I’ll carry you there.” Ariel cooed,absolutely creeping the shit out of Solar and Ais as the former squirmed and struggled in his grip.He repeatedly tried to scream his ass off but was sadly muffled.

“Get…get the hell away from my brother,Ariel! Get away! Let him go! Do whatever you want to me and me only! Just don’t touch him. I fucking beg you,please don’t. Please don’t-“

Ais’ sentence was interrupted as Ariel kicked him in the mouth with his dirty ass boot.

Gargling with blood,Ais tried to get up and prise Solar from Ariel’s hold,but his arms were held tight by his goons.

“It’s ok, Ais,I might consider letting you both go. But one condition:dead. But hey, feeling kind of giddy today. Hmm,how about I beat you up,lock up Solar here and you two can have some brotherly bonding through that. How’s that sound good for you?”

Ais let out a guttural howl,attempting to wrangle himself out of their grip but to no avail.

He caught a glimpse of Solar’s eyes filled with desperation to be saved from facing his worst fear. By now, Ariel had uncovered the hand he had clasped over Solar’s mouth,but Ais had the gut feeling he was about to do something worse. And unfortunately,he was right.

Solar trashed hard in Ariel’s grip like a fish out of water until a blade materialised,aimed at his neck. Immediately,Solar stopped and began whimpering,begging to be released. Tauntingly,he dug the point ever so slightly into Solar’s neck,blood drawing a thin line down his throat.

With adrenaline coursing through his veins, Ais cursed till his throat hurt,no longer able to contain his rage towards Ariel,drawing his innocent brother’s own blood,who had nothing to do with this. He hurled every vulgarity he knew,throwing in a bunch of made up ones and alternative swear words. It took quite a while because he was bilingual,knowing curse words from at least two languages.

But he couldn’t do anything to save Solar.

He helplessly watched on, Solar being pushed forcefully into the container. Solar tried to hold on to the outside of the box with all his might,determined not to be imprisoned in there. But Ariel mercilessly kicked Solar’s stomach,slamming the door of the container close with a resounding thud.

From the inside of the container,he heard Solar banging against the door,begging to be let out. He felt a lump forming in his throat when he heard him say,” Abang! Abang! Where are you? Let me out,please!” And to make things worse,he could hear Solar hyperventilating from where he was held.

He could only imagine how terrible Solar felt,trapped in the box,even more afraid because of Solar’s nyctophobia and claustrophobia that could greatly affect Solar’s lifestyle if it worsened. He too,was afraid of blood and was about to throw up with the amount that was trickling on his body.

He feverently wished for Duri,for anyone in fact,to find them and pull them out of this horrible mess. As he heard a lock click,he forced his head towards the sound. Ariel had put a lock on the container on the container Solar was trapped in. A freaking lock.

After he saw Solar being forced into the container,he had lowered his head,ashamed for not being able to help himself or Solar in any way. In the container,Solar started screaming and crying even more hysterically.

”No,no,nononononononononono! Open the door,open the door,Abang! Abang,help me,please! Help me get out of here! I’m sorry Ariel! Let me out,I beg you! I can do anything else,just let me out!”

After a moment of silence,Ariel tutted with disapproval.

”Sol-sol,I think it’s better for you in there,you know. I like you dear,and I want to keep you safe. And anyway, I don’t want you seeing your brother looking like a pathetic piece of dastardly shit. You understand,don’t you,sayang?” The sickly sweet voice spoke once again.

”But I can’t breathe! Let me out,let me out! And what about liking me? What are you going to do to me? Don’t…don’t you dare touch my brother!” Solar bravely retorted back.

Not caring to answer Solar,Ariel turned to Ais,wrists still held in place by his goons. At this point,Ais was already kneeling on the ground from exhaustion,unable to fight anymore. Ariel cupped Ais’ cheek in his hand all too softly,as if Ariel really meant no harm.

He howled in rage,demanding Solar to be let go.

“You’re so pretty,handsome and beautiful,dear. How about we have some fun? Try your chances with me. Well,if you can.”

A sweet smile painted on his lips, but his eyes said it all. Ais trembled knowing what Ariel was about to do. No,he couldn’t let that happen. He could be beaten half to death,but his purity must still be his to keep.

He gathered up all the spit and blood he could and projectiled the mixture onto Ariel’s face. With all the scorn in the world,Ais spat out with a snarl,” Hell no. Never in my life. Kill me first then.”

‘Pang!’

A tight slap so hard it made Ais’ head jerked violently to the side by 90 degrees. He felt his cheek burn in pain as he gritted his teeth together,trying to rein in the pain.

“Try harder,bitchass. I’m not easy either, you know.” Ais growled,refusing to give up while he was still able to. He would fight,fight till his last breath,if he had to.

“I tried to be nice but you refused. Oh dear,just what am I going to do with you,hmm? Ah, I know! Come here, Aisyah,I’ll teach you what it means to be in pain. But as a gentleman,let me start first!” Ariel spoke in a singsong manner,humming under his breath.

But before Ais could do anything,Ariel landed another blow on him and another and another until he lay weakly on the floor of the alley,cut up and covered in blood and bruises.

And during that period of time,Ais was even more worried for Solar,wondering if he was still alive on the other side of the container. Ariel and his goons had left now,satisfied with their handiwork.

His held back tears now flowed freely down his battered face,finally able to let go of the ‘tough bad bitch’ facade that he pretended to be.

Using his last dwindling reserve of energy,he half-crawled,half-dragged his body towards the container and tried to find the key that Ariel had carelessly thrown away but was unfortunately unsuccessful. Pitching forward all of a sudden,Duri materialised and caught him in his hands,murmuring indiscernible words.

He blacked out,praying that Solar and only Solar,would be safe. His own life didn’t matter. Solar should have lived, instead of his useless butt. Ais felt longing and the desire to exchange his life for Solar,gnawing painfully at his conscience as he muttered out a final apology,giving in to unconsciousness.

Chapter Text

DURI POV

Duri couldn’t express how glad he felt as Ais flitted open his eyes. He noticed the lost and pained look in Ais’ eyes and he immediately knew what happened while he had fainted. By the way, Ais had fainted due to a sudden deviation from his usual sleep pattern,causing temporary shock.

He caressed the back of Ais’ head, to lull said person into a calmer state. He kept it constant,undemanding,just enough to let Ais know that he was there for him. But he didn’t stop,as if stopping would make himself and Ais cease to exist. For whatever came next,he was absolutely unprepared.

Duri saw the form of a single tear,gathered in Ais’ eye as he smiled,melancholy gracing his lips. He simply couldn’t bear to lose anyone anymore. His comforting little brother instincts was unlocked,putting aside his grief for a while.

“You…you wanna tell me what happened? Or Blaze? We can help you about your…ermm…dream.”

Ais simply shook his head slightly,biting his lip and gazed pointedly onto the ground he was lying on. They were still at the burial services because they had to stop when Blaze started panicking and screaming when Ais collapsed to the floor without warning.

Being the only one who was remotely knowledgeable of AED, he rushed over to feel Ais’ pulse. Nuh uh bitchers,he was no way in hell going to lose another brother. Thankfully,he had a pulse just slightly lighter than normal.

As he tried to move Ais into a comfortable position,Ais winced and grunted,like every touch had its pain multiplied by a hundred.

Murmuring to himself ,Duri’s breath hitched as he continued to attend to the unconscious boy,who breathed out barely audible,” Don’t you dare touch Solar. Do…do anything you want with me,just don’t touch him. I beg of you.”

Hmm,no cursing,Duri thought. Maybe in his slumber,Ais still subconsciously knew that his parents and grandfather were present,who would have chilied his mouth for even saying the slightest bad word.

His soul cried in agony as he heard Ais slur,”Solar,’m sorry.’m sorry that I couldn’t save you. ‘m sorry,Sol,forgive me.”

But this was the ultimate mind-blower.

”I…I’ll meet you soon,okay. Just wait,for a while,I promise you that. From the deep of my heart,I love you,Cahaya.”

The last word struck a chord in Duri’s mental piano. The mention of Solar’s middle name expanded a nonexistent ball in his chest. Cahaya. Cahaya,meaning light in Malay. The soft and pure light. Like how Solar was when he was young.

He reminisced,recalling the young child telling his family every time that he preferred them calling him Cahaya despite it sounding old-fashioned,something out of a literary classic. But this privilege was only for family though. If it was anyone else,they would probably get kicked in the nuts by said person.

But as Solar grew up,he had become an antonym of his past self. No longer happy or welcoming,just bratty and harsh. And he had cast away the nickname Cahaya,pestering everyone to address him as Solar.

Quote unquote, Solar said that calling him Cahaya which sounded like a name from the 1800s wouldn’t bode well for his prodigal image.

But Duri knew deep down that there was some part of Cahaya in Solar but he refused to see it,blinded by anger like all his other brothers.

Then now we skip back forward to the current situation.

Ais tried to stand up,an attempt to brush whatever just happened but his legs refused to cooperate,giving out beneath him as he stood. duri noticed this and prevented him,knowing that his elder brother was low on sugar and everything else since Ais’ last meal had been yesterday’s lunch as Ais didn’t eat dinner or breakfast often.

Shitty eating habits,Duri knew,but he couldn’t force his brother and none of the others had ever noticed. Except for Gempa,maybe.

Duri handed him a chocolate bar,feeding it to Ais after he adamantly refused to eat it on his own accord. Unable to turn down the opportunity of being fed by his younger brother,Ais finally opened his mouth,earning a faint smile from Duri.

As he watched Ais chew dismally,the family continued on except for Blaze who had come to sit beside Ais,clearly concerned for his twin’s wellbeing.

As Duri fed Ais another bite,another tear trickled down,causing Blaze to panic again. He knew whatever dream or nightmare Ais had,it had blown his composure to bits.

Duri wanted to ask him what happened but decided against it as he might be perceived as trying to pry. Dreams were a sensitive thing,after all. Ais will open up in his own time,there’s no use in forcing him.

Ais ate slowly so by the time he had finished the bar,his family had completed washing Solar and was now shrouding him. They took the white cloth,carefully covering him,a last glimpse of the fallen sun. Nobody lingered anymore,too heartbroken and also because they were behind schedule.

Halilintar,Taufan,Gempa took the honor of securing Solar’s body,bringing him out to put him into the van to be brought to the mosque.

With no words, Blaze scooped up his brother bridal-style and strided towards the car together. Ais struggled at first,insisting that he could walk on his own but Blaze was having none of that. Ais later gave in and curled his head towards Blaze’s chest.

As they headed towards the car, Duri thought about their birthday party they had planned. All week,he had been so psyched and excited. But now,he saw no reason to be happy,to smile. All his optimism had been sucked out of him,leaving nothing behind. Just a hollow shell of a human. Like a skeleton leaf. A skeleton leaf was a type of leaf which had been soaked in chemicals,leaching the colour from it,only leaving its structure. That’s how he felt. Existing,without substance.

He was partly excited because he was going to meet his cousins at the party which they had invited them to. That was still standing,just under significantly different circumstances.

They were coming to the funeral and prayer,having been informed of Solar’s death. Actually,his parents had asked for the police not to release any details of Solar's murder. It took a lot of pleading and meetings, but it was fulfilled eventually. They had also only told their close relatives,knowing that they would be bombarded they couldn’t bear to reply.

The ride was silent,everybody stuck in their own daydream. Duri was trying to accept the fact that Solar was gone,but his mind was throwing a fit,denying the fact with a large harumph.

Fifteen minutes later,they reached the mosque. It was a beautiful work of architecture,its dome and minarets gleaming in the sweltering afternoon sun. He remembered a fun fact Solar told him about the black part below the dome,which was made of painted soy sauce bottles given by the public.

It was a symbolism to the unity of the community,to show that every single gesture,no matter how small,could contribute to a bigger cause. It felt like a comparison to what happened. Just because Duri had decided to ignore Solar’s call,Solar left him,left them all.

And. It. Was. All. Because. Of. Him.

His small act had contributed to something larger.Something he couldn’t stop.

He stepped onto the carpet of the mosque,barefoot,hoping that he would be forgiven for what he did to Solar,an irreversible act.

Chapter Text

HALILINTAR POV

After the prayer,he met his elder cousins:Sori,Sopan,Supra,Gentar,Glacier and Frostfire. Their parents,Pak Cik Ocho and Mecha with their wives. They hadn’t met since their last birthday,since they lived quite far away from each other.

That’s why Halilintar appreciated their presence. Although the distance between them seemed to be an obstacle,they came anyway,knowing that his family needed support through these trying times.

And to make everything better,his cousins who already had their hands full still came to mourn and grieve for Solar.

Sori was working as a botanist,Sopan an apprentice to be a silat instructor,Supra a professor-in-training,Gentar a rehabilitation center worker. Glacier worked as the CEO of a small-scale company.Frostfire, a chef. Yet,they dropped everything to come that day.

They solemnly greeted each other,offering condolences and advice. They too were affected,alright,you could see it if you knew them well enough. After all,the cousins were also quite close to Solar,having pampered and showered him with affection,as with the other brothers.

Sori was more serious,Sopan still polite as ever but with more reserve. Supra was mirroring his own stoic face and Gentar was mostly silent,totally out of character. Glacier was staring into space,maybe thinking of the things that could have been. Frostfire could barely rein in his grief.

Halilintar accepted their condolences and simply nodded in response to the advice given. He wouldn’t talk much,considering that his voice would probably come out like a crackling sound of an old radio. He then told them the address of the cemetery,so they could drive there with less possibility of getting lost.

Beneath his calm facade,he seeked comfort from somebody,somebody who would listen and not judge. He knew his family wouldn’t mind,but he did. His ego was got the better of him,always refusing help and keeping it all to himself,bottling everything up.

So that’s why Halilintar was that way. He always felt his emotions as a burden that he didn’t want to push onto others. He always striked first because he didn’t want anybody he loved to get hurt. He always kept to himself because he knew every word he said could break something.

He never showed apparent emotion since that day,the only way he could control himself. And that was slowly ebbing away. The walls he had built around himself were beginning to crumble,only waiting for it to collapse into a pile of nothing.

He didn’t want others to take advantage of his weaknesses or worse,blackmail him. He knew his brothers had a lot of secrets,some of them embarrassing,some falsified. But there were one or two secrets that had to be kept at all costs. The secrets that Solar had revealed.

Pop!

Halilintar jolted at the sound of a balloon bursting.

Then he heard the click-clack of a certain someone’s shoes echo through the hallway. Questions ran through his mind. Where did the sound come from? Why did somebody have a balloon,out of all things in the world? And most importantly,had anyone seen his reaction? A voice halted his questions.

“Oh,so what Adu Du told me was true. Halilintar Petir Bin Amato,badass of Kuala Terengganu Polytechnic,scared of balloons. Oh my god,this is such a joke. This is going to be prime material!”

Ejo Jo stood in the middle of the hallway,one hand on his hip like he was vouging. Ejo Jo was his nemesis,always trying to sabotage his work and image,wanting to be in the spotlight no matter what. Didn’t matter to him whether it was good or bad. As long as he was the centre of attention.

Actually,Halilintar never intended to stand out in his institution. He just worked hard,so that he could get where he wanted to be. It was just a plus point that he had a ‘handsome’ face and ‘bad boy’ attitude. He had tried time and again to draw attention away from himself but it never seemed to work.

He glared at Ejo Jo upon hearing his words. But that was just a front. In his mind,he panicked. How had he gotten the information? Who was Adu Du? And what prime material? Nevertheless,he pushed away those questions to give his focus to the matter at hand.

“No,I’m not. Go away.”

Short and sweet. He stalked off,trying to run away. Also,it was already quite late in the evening and he didn’t live in the dorms.

“Fine by me,then. I’ll just send evidence to every single contact I have. Oh,your fangirls will be so disappointed,I bet. Goodness,imagine the pranks we could pull on you!”

Halilintar stopped in his tracks. Trying to threaten him? Oh,he messed with the wrong person,he mused to himself. If he was allowed to do whatever he wanted,he would have shouted ‘square up,hoe!’ And start beating the shit out of him. But his reaction would cause unwanted feedback too. He would only fight back,in self-defence.

Halilintar hated vulnerability.

Without visibly losing his cool,he scoffed,calling a bluff.

”Do it,then,I don’t care. Who would believe a liar like you anyway? You don’t have a speck of evidence.“

”Oh,that’s what you think. I’ll have cold hard evidence. Guys!”

Before Halilintar could react,a bunch of guys with hands full of balloons sprouted out of nowhere,almost comically. Each balloon was popped in his face,causing him to flinch,minimally.

He threw punches at random to deter them,but they just came back with more. He even tried to use the self defence that he had planned but it was rendered useless,his knees shaking,his mind unfocused. He simply couldn’t walk away or tune out the loud noise.

By the end of the wave,he was crumpled onto the floor,trembling sobs wrecking his body,begging for the torment to end.

“Stop…please stop…It hurts…I…I can’t…please,just stop.“

He remained on the floor,heart beating so hard against the cold tiles he bet Ejo Jo could hear it. Tears streamed down his cheeks,his breath bated due to hyperventilation.

Ejo Jo cackled as he exclaimed,”See? You really are scared of balloons!”

“Continue! Let him feel hell,guys. I’m gonna be recording this too~”

His horrible excuse for a villain laugh ended as he commanded.

“So will you now please admit to everyone that you’re scared of I don’t know,balloons popping,hmm,Hali?”

But Halilintar had a feisty fighting spirit. He could compromise on many things. But his privacy was absolutely confirm plus chop,not one of them. He may be crying in a ugly heap on the ground in a public space but he would never ever reveal his weaknesses to anybody except for his family,and even they found out about his globophobia by chance.

With a defiant roar,Halilintar threw himself onto Ejo Jo’s stature. Taking advantage of the latter’s shock,he grabbed the phone in his hand and flung it as far as he could.

“Record it,and I’ll make sure none of you ever see another day. Call it off.“

Grabbing Ejo Jo’s arm,he judo-flipped him,the lanky guy speechless,barely stammering in disbelief. How the tables had turned so quickly dumbfounded him,wallowing in his assumption that Halilintar was defeated by the ambush.

With a sharp yank,Halilintar was eye-to-eye with the dolmat. Staring a wolf stare,he erased any traces of weakness before demanding an answer.

“Who told you this? From where? Answer me!”

Overwhelmed still,Ejo Jo choke out in a jumble of words.

“Adu Du,cousin! From Olar something something! I don’t remember,lemme go!”

Halilintar was taken aback. Olar…sounded familiar. And so did the name Adu Du. He urged the gears in his brain to process faster,only to dread the result.

(Just like how you typed in something on Google,only to realise you spelled it wrong,giving an absolutely different result,forever tainting your search history and your brains. You’ll understand if this happened before.)

Solar. Solar was the one who had blabbed his secret out. Boy is dead the moment he gets home.

“Coward. Just a pounce and you’re shivering. And you think you can bring me down? Not a single bruise on me from you. Why so quiet,hmm? Confidence six feet under,is that it?”

Intimidating Ejo Jo was the only way Halilintar saw that ensured Ejo Jo’s silence and so that he could get out of this mess. Cringing at his own words, his lips worked its way to his next sentence.

“You will not tell anyone about this and I neither confirm nor deny whatever you said about me. Am. I. Clear. Ejo Jo?”

Scared out of his mind,Ejo Jo nodded frantically and scrambled away,his accomplices trailing not too far behind him.

“Hmph,didn’t even bother to pick up his phone. Piss your pants,asshole. That’s what you get for trying to mess with me.”

Halilintar examined the phone,now its screen shattered and black,broken beyond repair.

Abruptly,a hand caught his shoulder from behind,pulling Halilintar out of his daze.

“Abang Hali,” Duri starts. “Are you okay? I’ve been calling your name but you didn’t reply. We’re about to leave for the cemetery now.“

the eldest simply nodded,still stuck in his thoughts. That had been the start of the fight between himself and Solar. The start of the rift that drove them apart. He wondered why the memory had resurfaced,opening wounds he had never bothered to heal.

Closing the car door with a soft thud, he closed his eyes to recompose himself. He couldn’t afford to break. He had to be there for everyone,a pillar for everyone to lay on,knowing that it would never crumble,even if the whole world was placed on it.

In the vehicle,Halilintar stared out the window,glowering at the sun which was stupidly shining brightly despite his brother’s death,till his eyes felt burning hot and red with bloodshot.

The infallible sun that would always rise again,after every night,but not his one and only.

Chapter Text

Everything seemed wrong,no,was wrong. The sun over the cemetery was too bright,too glaring. Everything around them went as per normal,like nothing had ever happened.

Maybe that’s how death was. Everything would pause for a moment,as if the entire universe was in a time warp that sooner or later you had to stop and move on. Move on too fast and you would forget though. That was the fragility of death,not so much different from life.

He looked around surveying the wide expanse before him.

How many people had died,without having anyone to mourn or even miss them? He breathed out a small prayer for all the dead,especially for those who had no one to pray for them.

For every life,there was death. And Solar was simply just the first to go.

For all he knew,the very ground that he stepped on day upo day was but the bones of the dead from centuries ago.

He watched on with his own eyes as witness,the coffin of his youngest being lowered into the grave. He bit his lip,knowing that was the last time his body would see the sun,until the end of time.

Perhaps regret is a strong feeling. That may be just why the dead receive more flowers than the living.

But if you realise regret is within,fix it as you would do everything other thing;before it is too late.

But that was the thing. He was too late.

His parents were too late.

His brothers were too late.

Too late.

He watched on as the men shoveled the earth over and over,slowly blocking the coffin from his sight.

Then they placed the headstone,his full name etched,carved with eerie yet beautiful precision. There was no flair for his grave. It was just like how they obscurely promised each other last time,just a simple headstone stating the usual information and footmark,nothing else. No blooming flowers,no tiles,no decorations,no nothing.

Just visit often. That was all they needed. And so they were. They laughed and laughed for hours on end during that conversation amongst them brothers,never taking it too seriously. After all,they were strong and healthy and doing great,what would ever befall them?

But now that they had to fulfil the long-lost promise,Gempa’s chest clenched in pain. He didn’t manage to.

He didn’t manage to ask for forgiveness. He didn’t manage to say sorry. He didn’t manage to tell Solar how he had truly loved him,beneath the superficial contempt that he had been so fixated on. Hadn’t managed to tell Solar that he was their brother,not a stranger cast out.

But again,he—they were too late.

He sobbed against the brown clumps of dirt once the burial was done. There it was. The plain truth. Solar was dead,and he was never going to come back. Not now,not ever.

He didn’t care that half of his face and the front of his shirt was caked in mud and dirt. It didn’t matter anymore. He wanted so desperately to have the chance to hug him one more time,tell him every single thing that he truly felt.

Not the things that had kept them apart,the rough bumps across the journey.

He wanted to,but it was just simply out of reach.

If only…if only.

The only thing swirling in his mind. But it had stirred up an old memory,the reason why he had turned his back upon Solar.

“I heard…Gempa was the one who leaked the exam answers! And then now we have to re-take them! I’m sure they’ll set the questions a lot harder. Ohh,am I screwed! This is so stupid,stupid,stupid,gyahhhhhh!”

“Gempa’s campaign is definitely not gonna go well at this point.”

“I’m not voting for Gempa! A student council president should be trustworthy,and I don’t think he is!”

”Poor Gempa,those rumours about him that are going around are really nasty. I just know,he would never do it! He’s such a kind and honest person,I hope this doesn’t affect him too much.”

Rumours circulated through the bustling hallways like wildfire. Some against him,some supporting him. He was tired,so tired.

First it had been a rough week for him,with the exams just ending yesterday. He had burned the midnight oil every night to revise so that his grades were up to the expectations of his teachers and of a candidate running for student council president.

Then adding to that,he had to handle his chaotic and rowdy siblings,a whole other story.

The toll began to show on his physique. Dark eyebags,slightly hunched shoulders and the airtight thermos of coffee so strong it could still be smelled despite it being firmly closed.

He had just finished writing his final draft for his presidential candidate election speech,aiming to get the role as student council president. To lead towards greatness,his natural instinct,thus his ambition.

He had worked day and night for the big occasion,so that all his efforts wouldn’t be buried. And that was the start of the hottest school-wide drama of the year.

“Gempa,I would like to speak to you for a moment. Would you mind stepping out for a moment?”

Teacher Iris spoke,steely and unwavering. Gempa didn’t like her. She gave the weird vibe that he didn’t feel comfortable with,especially after the semester parent-teacher conference last year,where Teacher Iris was his form teacher. Apparently,according to Teacher Iris,he was too ‘objective-oriented’ and serious.

Well that was true,but only during lesson hours.

During breaks or self-study periods,he eased himself with his friends and spent time with them,chatting,with the occasional walk home together when the opportunity arose.

But Teacher Iris was also teacher-in-charge for the student council so he couldn’t do much about that. So with a simple nod,he followed behind her,to a nearby bench,near his classroom.

Why did they need to sit down?

Usually,they would just stand while she told him whatever.

So why the need to sit down?

Unknowingly,Gempa’s hands began trembling,fearing the worst. He sweatdropped,fearing the power of words and hearsay had over everything. How it had the power to leave it be or crush it,mercilessly.

But it didn’t matter. All he could do was think of the best and hopefully not be screwed over.

As his thighs made contact with the stone bench,he heard Teacher Iris clearing her throat,a forced sound to seem professional.

”So Gempa. I am aware of the rumours that have been circulating around the student body of you leaking the exam answers. This morning,we received an anonymous tip-off that you have it in your bag today. And so to cease suspicion,I would like for you to ring your bag here so I can conduct a thorough check.”

So his guess was right. He went straight to his class and took his bag,knowing that he was still on the student council. He wasn’t getting suspended. But even then,a heavy feeling settled on his conscience.

What were his instincts trying to tell him?

He didn't delve deeper since he didn't want to keep Teacher Iris waiting.

He placed his bag in front of Teacher Iris,confident that nothing could go wrong. He packed his bag meticulously before leaving for school,ensuring that only his schoolwork and other necessary items were in it.

As the teacher rifled through the bag with Gempa wringing his hands behind his back. Who was the mysterious tip-off from?

And what if he was about to be framed,taking the fall of something he had never done?

Why had Teacher Iris seemed so sure to prove the rumours true? Shouldn’t Teacher Iris of all people believe him,seeing his good conduct and academics?

as he searched the teacher’s face for any sort of change in body language,he picked up a sign.

Tense shoulders.

Dilated pupils,ever so slightly.

‘I’m screwed,but why?’ Gempa thought to himself.

The two signs were signals that were something had surprised her,and whatever had surprised her,was in the bag,and was nothing good.

As he glanced deeper into her eyes,he saw something else. A glimmer of…satisfaction?

From the small notice of that peculiar moment,everything seemed to drastically slow down.

“So…what is the meaning of this?”

Each syllable drawn out,thick with disappointment and malice. A black thin file flopped in her pinched,manicured fingers.

“What’s that? That’s…that’s not mine!”

Gempa stammered,his calm composure betraying himself for the first time in a long time.

“It’s labeled here. Weighted Assessment 1 G3 Science Answer Key.”

She slid the file over to face in front of Gempa,the glossy binding glinting the fluorescent light hanging over them.

No…It couldn’t be. He had never seen that black file in his bag when he checked through his bag that morning.

“I…I swear,Teacher Iris,this doesn’t not belong to me! You have to believe me,please. You know that I would never do such a thing!”

Gempa protested frantically.

‘No,no,this couldn’t be happening,this isn’t real,’ he helplessly tried to assure himself.

“I don’t want to hear it. I’m bringing you to the principal's office right now. Now. And call your parents. Or do you want me to do it for you?”

Gempa’s eyes widened in shock,the wind in his lungs,now a privilege. How had this been concluded so simply?

Why had he not been given any room to at least tell the truth,his side of this?

Why did it feel so…scripted?

He thought back again. How had Teacher Iris been so full of conviction the whole conversation?

Like Teacher Iris knew exactly what to say,how to act,as if this was simply a play she was rehearsing for.

How had Teacher Iris found the file so quickly,when his bag was filled with the same file over file of the same colour?

Why was Teacher Iris so hasty to bring this matter to the principal? Wouldn’t there be at least be a pre-investigation first?

Her presence that was previously subtle,unfelt unless you scrutinised like crazy was now suffocating,pressuring his entire being to simply heed and obey.

He nodded defeatedly,dialing his father’s number as he headed towards a more secluded area so that no one would hear about him.

About how Gempa Tanah Bin Amato,the all-round role model,had apparently stolen the test answers.

About how Gempa was no longer an exemplary student.

About Gempa falling down from his high horse down to the unforgiving ground.

How everything he was,stripped off him just because of this,something he didn't even do.

He let out a broken sob,one that spoke louder than words.

He was too overwhelmed to even hold it in for the sake of his reputation,which he no longer had.

It resonated like an echo through the empty hallway,as if to show how truly alone he was in this one-sided game.

Why could everybody just not leave him alone?

Proudly basing himself by meritocracy,he worked hard for whatever he had now,but now that had crumbled to nothing.

Just as he was about to release a torrent of cries,his father had answered the call.

“Gempa,assalamualaikum. Why did you call me? Isn’t it school time now?”

Gempa stuffed his emotions down his mental trashbin.

“Ayah,you need to come to school,to see the principal. But when you hear what they say,promise you’ll defend me.”

Amato was perplexed. Why did Gempa need him to come to his school? What had happened for him to have the need for his presence. But he felt that he didn’t need to ask,since he could feel Gempa breaking through the call,bit by bit.

He knew Gempa didn't do anything wrong,his conviction of that a bit frightening.

So he agreed to come,telling Gempa to wait at the principal’s office that he was all too familiar with.

Gempa pleaded further,pouring his heart to his father,unable to hold it in anymore.

“I…I swear ayah,l swear it wasn’t me,ayah. I swear in the name of Allah,The Most Merciful. Ayah,please believe me,okay?”

“Okay,I will come. Don’t worry,Gempa,I will defend you. I take you by your word,even if the teachers would not believe you.”

It was weird of Amato to say such things but his absolute trust in his responsible and trustworthy son overran it all. And also the teachers were a bit…how to say…backward.

“Stay strong,Abang. Be brave in the name of righteousness. Assalamualaikum.”

Then the call went silent,signalling that the conversation had ended and Gempa was to put down the phone,but not before answering his father’s greeting.

In a struggle,he choked out the reply as he felt his throat burn and chest twist and turn.

“Gempa,it’s time to go home now,it’s almost six o’clock.”

”What?”

The confusion was prevalent in his tone and expression. Where was he?

He looked around.

Oh,right. Now he remembered.

He was currently clomped onto the warm headstone,slightly damp with his tears and sweat.

He remembered the flashback he had just experienced.

In the rush of confusion,Gempa had been suspended for a week and was kicked off the student council. But soon later,Solar admitted to committing the dastardly act,clearing his name.

He thought relief would flood him once his innocence was finally proved,yet only more confusion came.

Why,just why? He simply couldn’t believe it. His own brother,his own flesh and blood,betrayed and framed him. And for what? He himself didn’t know.

He had tried to love and care for Solar,even when he had started breaking their family apart,one by one. He had defended Solar when Halilintar found out he had revealed their secrets,when he had sided with the youngest against his fourth brother of his pranks.

But what did he get in return? He got shunned,ostracised,labelled and most importantly,lost everyone’s trust in him.

He used to have many friends,but after what happened,only Fang stayed, despite denying that he was his friend.

Solar was too clean and savvy for his own good,every trace and crumb of what he had done,vanished like nothing.

If he hadn’t admitted it,Gempa would probably still be in the drama,despite having graduated already. The gossipers in his school were absolutely second to none,he was sure of that.

Then he replied to his father’s reminder,but it was more of a plea than a request.

His voice cracking like an old man’s bones,he spoke.

“Can we stay a little longer? Just fifteen more minutes. I…I don’t want him…to…to be alone. I want him to know…to know that I’m sorry too,but not for the last time.

He teared up in the corner of his eyes. The boy he had sworn and promised to love him infinitely the moment he set eyes on him,was no longer here.

As if on cue,he heard a soft voice whisper amongst the afternoon breeze.

“I’m sorry,Abang. Please don’t —“

Shit.

It was the voice,the whisper again.

Small and haunting,it hung in the now still air,like a haunted house amidst the broad daylight. That’s how he felt it to be.

An inconstant,the sun was. Everyone is so sure that it would rise,day after day. But how could you be so sure as to whether it would rise again when tomorrow comes?

Pluto was once a planet too,a part of the solar system. But soon,it was deemed as a dwarf planet,thus no longer part of the solar system. And people thought Pluto was always going to be a planet too,just until it wasn’t.

“Sol…sol…Cahaya…Adik…I’m so sorry,so so sorry…”

Hearing the heart wrenching cries of his third son,he followed his request as they continued to watch each other’s tears stream silently down each other’s cheeks.

Gempa further indulged himself in his thoughts,just barely noticing his relatives and family’s swollen eyes and red noses. A track of tears now stark clear against their skin,now tanned by the sun,which sooner or later be only an inch above their heads.

In a blink of an eye,fifteen minutes had passed and it was time to leave.

He stared at the plain grave,chest filled with unsaid apologies and longing.

He didn’t want to leave,honestly,even though it would be so creepy at night.

If he could,he never wanted to leave Solar’s side anymore. He once heard that the dead could hear the footsteps of those who came and went. And he didn’t want Solar,even in death,to ever think that he wasn’t loved and not worth their time.

But what could he do,he was too late.

Oh,that reminded him of something. He hadn’t told Fang yet. About Solar. Now,he and Fang were in the same college so they kept in touch. Solar had a certain liking for Fang,admiring his ’detachment’ and ’coolness’. Not many people knew but beneath the gruff and harshness,he was a cute ball of sunshine.

‘I’ll tell him later. Just not now. It’s too much,too confusing.’ He decided.

Standing from his crouched position,he heard his bones pop and crack,as if he had not moved for a millennium.

Wiping off the tears off his face and slicking back his hair,an attempt to restore his appearance to what it was before but it stubbornly flopped,making him burst into another bout of tears.

It wasn’t that he was frustrated that his hair wasn’t hairing. Okay,maybe about 0.0001%. But his spoilt hair felt like a mockery to him,like how he—everything would never be the same again after last night.

Surprisingly,Glacier held him in an embrace,stroking his back,whispering things that nobody had ever said to him before.

The words that he needed to hear,although he denied it.

“Gempa,it's alright now,Solar always loved you,trust me. He always told me how much he missed you guys when I dropped by your house. He always tried to reach out to you all the time,asking me to relay his greetings. But we haven’t met,till now. So,now I extend to you his heartfelt greetings. I’m sorry.”

Gempa leaned into the hug,clenching Glacier shirt tighter. He knew he needed the assurance. That everything had passed. But receiving Solar’s relayed greetings only after his death struck his heart once again.

Solar had been so desperate to reunite with them and be together again,the calls he had always ignored that came once in a while. But what did he do? He let Solar die,he let Solar die. He was indirectly,a murderer.

A murderer of love and care which he stood so proud for,a murderer for not realising Solar was about to die,when his instincts were always so sharp. A murderer for severing the bond between their family,when he promised himself to always be the string tying everyone together. A murderer for refusing peaceful reconciliation,an attempt to mend what was torn,when he was always the one for peace. But he killed it. So he,was a murderer. But he didn’t kill anyone.

“I…I accept his greetings and return it to him. Th…thank you,Abang Glacier.”

He pulled away,knowing that Glacier wasn’t really comfortable with physical contact,knowing that he only did that to comfort him.

“Gempa,it’s ok. Hug me for as long as you want. I don’t mind.”

With his elder cousin’s consent,Gempa hugged him even tighter,as if the man had turned into an anchor,tethering him to reality and the mortal world.

He mumbled his thanks below his hiccuped breath,his tears still fresh and hot from his eyes and mouth never still,his words spent on begging for Solar’s forgiveness or simply saying Solar’s name,as if with enough manifestation,his brother could be brought back to life.

It was worth a try,it worked in books. And so he tried and tried but life had let him down. Not even the previous whisper that had been haunting him returned,now. The last faint echo of his presence,his reasons,his love,his care,all now buried with him.

Gempa sniffled and choked,his throat constricting upon itself. He tried to feel the warmth of the sun that was beating down on him,of Glacier’s body,yet it felt foreign like he was there,but he wasn’t either. He could even the walls of composure that he had painstakingly built,demolished one by one to no end.

From his blurry vision,he noticed the blue-grey sky slowly bleeding into shades of red and orange and yellow. A choked sob escaped his quivering lips once again.

Yellow,the colour of a cartoonish sun. Solar’s favourite colour. No,Cahaya’s favourite. After he changed his name to Solar,Solar took to grey,silver and gold. Wow,the world,the whole galaxy,the entire universe, seemed to be teaming up in fooling around and mocking him,how he had failed. The one word that brought everything that ever existed,to be hoisted on his shoulders,to bring down his heart.

Slowly with shaky limbs,he pulled away decisively,swaying weakly on his feet. His lips in a quivering circle,he took in a deep breath.

“O…ok…ok…we can go home now.”

His words breathed out,not spoken. He couldn’t trust himself to speak anymore,nothing more than a soft whisper.

Painstakingly,he took a step away from the grave,towards his family and relatives. Away from the dead and toward the living. He looked back,swallowing the lump in his throat that never seemed to cease.

Step after step. That’s how Gempa was functioning at this point. One by one. He couldn’t of anything else. But his mind had other plans. They showered him again and again with snippets of Cahaya,young and old.

Shutting his eyes tight,he walked on,no longer looking back. But his heart though,kept doubling back to the moment where it all started.

After his parents promised to bring them to visit often,his uncles asked if they could stay at their house for the night. The place they had booked to stay in had cancelled on them and they had no place to stay. His parents agreed and they sent them the address of their house.

Slipping into their family car,he leaned against the car window,sighing,a sound full of indescribable emotions. As he stared out into the distance,he was lost in his own consciousness and soon,the sound in the background faded as he descended into a land of darkness.

Chapter Text

Today the sun is shining too bright

Harsh,glaring light

As you were lowered into your grave

I kept thinking,your life I couldn’t save

I remember the night of the previous day

Forgiveness and apologies you relentlessly convey

Wasting your last breath talking to me

Taking with you all the reasons and blame

I remembered the times before

When I used to adore

Your cheerful personality

Which you slowly morphed to emotionless rationality

Your pain and hardship veiled I failed to understand

My mistake,see where you are,beneath the land

I thought you were trying to drive apart and rebel

But really you were walking through Earth’s hell

I was confused when that happened

That betrayal wasn’t you,my instincts told

But by anger I was stupidly blinded

So then I left with the rest,leaving you to grasp and hold

Now I will find out who caused your unsolved death

And I’ll make sure that they regret it,to their last breath

So,I’m sorry,but not for the last time

Whoever did this will pay justly for their crime

And in death,Cahaya,don’t you worry

All of us will prove it,truly and surely

So now rest in peace

While we make the person who did this to you rest in pieces

Chapter Text

Dear Mother and Father

If you read this letter means your child has lost laughter

It means that your child has tried to be better

But alas, it will only be said through this letter

This year your child is fourteen

Streaming period looming, it has been

Tears, sobs and wails of your child are unseen

But for this, Mother and Father, you seem too keen

The way you pound the table

The way your voice is loud, unstable

The way you force your child to speak of their trouble

But you get louder as their tears double

Your child has told you they don’t know why

The reason of why they continue to cry

As through the air, harsh words fly

To unveil their weakness, you are not at all, shy

Since what they have been doing is not enough

Your child will double up to be more tough

Up the path that is charred and rough

To appease, that is the path your child will walk through

Mother and Father are you proud

That you have silenced your child’s sound

Even as burdening expectations begin to hound

You only continue to scour for mistakes to be found

Mother and Father, to announce you may

We locked our child’s heart away

So they’ll toil away every day

However, it is sadly, only adequate, so to say

Mother and Father is your child your pride

Well, the cost was putting love aside

To your rules and your rules, your child will abide

But alone your child died and cried and pained, only inside

You do not realise your child is fragile

As much as their mind is agile

You do not realise that behind the smile

It is holding sickness and bile

Mother and Father, look at your child

Excruciating pain now feels mild

Is that what you had in mind

For your child to leave humanity behind

Mother and Father, are they your achievement

But alas to you they are only of disappointment

They are as much as that to your acknowledgment

Too late, your child has embraced your sentiment

Mother and Father this letter ends here

Holds all your child’s love for you that they hold dear

Your child hopes that you love them but they fear

All effort, as per always, is nothing more than mere

Chapter Text

TAUFAN POV

It was a rush of feeling, emotion. He didn’t know what to feel. Taufan was a flurry of thoughts. He was shocked and shaken, happiness eerily twinging at its edges. Isn’t this what he had wished and prayed for every single night?

For Solar, who had torn apart the brothers, who had broken their family, to go forever, leave them so that he wouldn’t be there to destroy the peace. Then if he was the one who wished that, why was he feeling this regret and heavy feeling still?

He was restless, his fingers roaming around his shirt, caressing the crisp yet fashionable creases in his cargo pants. His eyes darted around restlessly, seeing the situation unpredictable to decipher.

As much as unpredictable he was, what had happened was beyond his imagination.

‘If this is a dream, wake me up. Please, anybody. I can’t bear it,’ Taufan begged in his mind. What did fate mean to convey, his wish after so long finally fulfilled?

As he stared into the pitter-patter of the rainfall outside of the vehicle, he cringed as he recalled what had happened through the period of time since Solar had passed away. He didn’t take it well, least to say.

According to Blaze, he had started laughing and screaming hysterically upon hearing the news of Solar’s death. But he didn't remember doing that.

Then at least from then, when he had remembered their arrival at the hospital, He remembered the way he had messily left his blue-accented pants on the floor while changing but he couldn’t remember when they had reached the state hospital. He could remember the way he almost slipped down the small step from their home to the corridor when they were leaving this morning but he couldn’t remember himself shrouding Solar. He remembered that he saw the 27 degree slant of the family photo at the entrance of their home but he could remember how Solar smelled like.

Solar always smelled like books mixed with a very distinct air-conditioning scent. Smelt like a library. Then he smelled rotting. Now he couldn’t smell Solar at all.

Now he had been slowly woken out of his trance. He noticed the absolute pin-drop silence that was replaced by grinding white noise. He looked around, tired of the stillness around him. He tried to nudge the second youngest beside him, but the boy was as stiff as a rock.

He once again stared out of the window, the constant thumping of the raindrops against the roof and the windows of the car made an awful yet melodious sound. It was as if the world was sympathising with him, shadowing the entire area with dark and streaking clouds, just like what was deep within his soul.

Slowly, he remembered the three things that killed him.

Rumours that became a suffocating wildfire. Things unconsumable that would have cost him. And the brother that had lived alongside him his entire life, Solar, was the very one who had caused it all. The maestro of the cacophony, he’d like to say but would sound too praiseworthy.

Perhaps, the reaper of brothers. Why? Because, he had killed them, one by one, slowly, painfully, heart wrenching. No hesitation, no guilt,no apology, no nothing.

Slowly,the day when his humour finally lost its armour,came crawling back into his mind,ready to bring him back to that moment like a dreaded horror movie on loop, on repeat, never-ending.

Taufan was back in the days when he was in Form Five, the year to take on SPM, the exam that would determine the whole destiny of their future. He was spending every moment he could trying to study so he wouldn’t get the shock of his life or get murdered when his horrible exam results were released.

Now he was muttering to himself the Pythagoras Theorem, a foundation much necessary for other topics such as trigonometry and physics. So basically if he didn’t nail it, he was royally screwed.

He heard the whispers, weirdly not whispers of formulas of structured answers. He was about to approach his classmates, curious of what they were talking about and also he wanted to ask if they could make a study group together so that they could, well, study as a group. But as he turned around to do so,he saw one of them pointing their index finger at him, their expressions filled with…disgust?

Immediately, his intention to invite them had been broken as his mind ran through a field of questions. What were they talking about? Why were they looking at him with such disgust? He had never, ever, ever done anything bad to them before.

With a loud slam on his table, he flinched so hard his whole body moved. Towering above him was Bora Ra, his classmate who was notorious for his dirty school record of being held back in Form Five for three years, the most highlighting amongst stealing, physical intimidation,good knows what else.

“Follow me.”

Taufan bit his lip, hesitating for a moment. He had a bad feeling about what the guy’s intentions were. What if they were luring him into a trap? What if they were going to bully him? What if…

But before Taufan was able to pause any longer, Bora Ra glared at him and snatched his spectacles off his nose bridge. Realising that his eyesight had blurred, he grasped the air, knowing that Bora Ra had taken them.

“You’ll get your glasses back if you follow me, weirdo.”

Bora Ra sneered as he waved the glasses in his face, but just out of reach, to lure him into his order.

Defeatedly, Taufan stood up as he finally gave in and stumbled behind the classmate. He had quite bad eyesight and as a result, he had to squint, and even so, he couldn’t see clearly.

Out of the blue, a voice boomed.

“What is going on here? Taufan,where are your glasses, and why is…Bora Ra holding on to them?”

Yaya’s voice, soft but demanding,striking fear in both. Immediately,the guy named Bora Ra carelessly threw Taufan’s spectacles into the air, thankfully his cupped hands managed to catch the frames in time. As much as he often baked cookies with Yaya, he could never get used to the strict tone she used in school.

“President, listen! Taufan has been smoking!”

Taufan’s head immediately swiveled like it was on a pedestal, mouth slightly agape, eyes widened in disbelief. He had never touched a cigarette,let alone use one. And if mysteriously he was framed, he’d be punished severely as it was a big issue in their school. Bullying, ironically, was not.

He had asthma which meant he had trouble breathing, when its trigger caused it. And his trigger was smoke. So why in the hecking heckitty heck would he want to smoke? And even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t as he always wanted to stay fit for the soccer team and also stay out of trouble, especially since he was a minor and saved his detention sentences for planking with.

Then Bora Ra raised his voice.

“President,believe me! Taufan has been smoking. That’s why his eyesight is getting worse! You know the other day,he ran into the wall, twice in a row? And he’s been coughing a lot too. Rumours have been flying around and I’m here to prove them!”

His voice was so loud now, it was starting to attract the attention of the passing students. What his classmate had said sunk in.

No wonder.

No wonder so many people had been avoiding him lately, those stealing glances of distaste. It wasn’t because they were engrossed in revising for the upcoming exams. It wasn’t because he was sick.

They thought he was smoking.

His lip curled in disgust as he heard about the times he had coughed as part of the ‘evidence’. He was coughing because there was mold growing in his room but his parents were too busy to do anything about it yet. God forbid a guy who’s been breathing mold to cough, Bora Ra, he thought silently. Then his mind bamboozled towards the fact that people thought he was smoking like a student sprinting to class faster than Usain Bolt because they were late.

Why do people even believe rumours? They are nothing more than a facade to hide the truth. But then again, people just refuse to believe in truth and choose falsehood.

“St—“

Yaya tried to prevent Bora Ra from speaking any further, seeing the lost gaze in Taufan’s eyes.

But then the little piece of shit of existence, Bora Ra shouted louder, not letting Yaya even open her mouth to say a word.

“Taufan has been smoking, President, smoking!”

Taufan wanted to strangle his classmate right there and then, to shut that filterless mouth of his that only served to stir up problems. He wanted to tell Yaya that Bora Ra was lying and that none of this was true.

His throat made a choking sound while his arms twitched uselessly at his sides, wanting to retaliate, to grab his glasses to put them back on so he could get clarity once again.

But his vision began to cloud as his legs unknowingly took off, to run away. To run away, from anywhere but there.

As he slammed the toilet door open he dashed into an empty cubicle, fumbling with the catch to close it.

It all came crashing down on him. He was going to fail SPM. People thought he was committing a crime.

He was weird.

He wasn’t normal.

He’d be shamed.

He’d be disgraced.

He will, not would, be the disappointment.

Tears streamed down his cheeks. Wanting to rub his eyes, he wanted to remove his spectacles. But they weren’t there, causing Taufan to unravel further. He took out the capped pen in his pocket that he always kept on him in case anyone needed a pen and began to open and close the cap of the pen with one hand, skin getting stuck inside the cap when it closed but he didn’t care.

Thank goodness he had the pen on him or he’d probably lose it. As his sobs grew quieter and softer, he tried to clear his mind, looking around at his surroundings, the peach-pink cubicle walls.

‘Wait…pink? Oh shit, flipping flying in the sky, I’m a dipshit.’ Taufan’s mind raced as he opened his eyes, swollen from crying, wider to see his surroundings.

The walls were not its usual grey monotone but a dim, peached pink shade. He. Was. In. The. Girls. Toilet. Out of all the days to go into the wrong toilet, it just had to be today.

Upon swinging open the cubicle door he had just unlocked,he stumbled back in surprise, greeted by a concerned frown.

Yaya reached her hand out as Taufan grasped it, his knees embarrassingly shaky but he managed to stand again. Yaya looked at him with such pity he just wanted to hide in the toilet again.

“Taufan, are you okay? Bora Ra’s words are not true, ok? He admitted the truth later after you left. Now, deep breaths and here are your spectacles.”

Yaya pulled out the pair of glasses from her uniform. It was, thankfully, still intact as he put them back on, feeling the familiar weight resting against his nose bridge.

Taufan didn’t answer, his throat choked with too many questions to get out a proper, single one. He tried to follow the deep breathing exercise guided by Yaya, but hiccups still surface like stubborn acne. He hated that he was so weak, that he couldn’t even take a bit of pressure before crumbling, in front of so many people at that.

Soon after calming down, his breathing was just slightly bated, but they were out of the cubicle. They stood opposite the mirrors mounted on the walls, showing their reflection. He looked Yaya in the eye, not just her nose or lips anymore.

They had left the bathroom already, as Yaya noticed that Taufan was clearly uncomfortable to stay there for any longer. And really, he had a valid point as people would surely scrutinise him further and make him feel more pressured.

Taufan whispered, just loud enough for Yaya to hear. It was like a soft breeze, only to be heard by those who listened closely with intent.

“Thank you, Yaya, for…for saving me. Just now. With that. Thanks.”

He managed to say each word with utmost care so that his voice wouldn’t break and make her worry again. All he did was worry people.

His asthma was one thing,then his problem with staying still was another. He was able to swaddle both as he aged but they still came like a curse, just when he thought he could run away from it.

Just as he saw Yaya form a sentence with her previously pursed lips that were set into a straight line, a male voice came, definitely unfeminine.

“Hey, we’re home now. Abang, we’re home.”

Duri’s voice went through his ears as his younger brother lightly tapped his shoulder. He was still in the daze so obviously he was shocked. Without realising it, words tumbled out of his mouth.

“OH MOTHER FLYING DUCK NUGGETS. Oh, Duri.”

He bolted straight as he went into Melatah* Mode,wherein there is a situation you are shocked or startled by,thus running your tongue or other parts of your body through muscle memory. Then he greeted Duri, as if he had not just shouted a string of alternative swear words** in an enclosed space.

*I don’t know how to explain this. I guess it’s basically the equivalent of wanting to instinctively shit your pants when someone jumpscares you.

**words used to replace actual cursing cos I need to stop myself from cursing every single moment of my life.

Once he had pulled himself out of memory,he found himself still in his quarter seat that he shared with Duri to fit in the five-seater car. Not wanting to get the situation any more awkward than it already was,Taufan tried to slide out smoothly out of the vehicle but tripped over the gravel and tar of the open-air carpark. Luckily or unluckily,he didn’t crash to the ground but it went like someone was taking away his lungs.

But he continued dreaming as they stepped into the gate, leading to their home.

After that incident, Taufan lost a lot of confidence in communicating with people and shut himself into his work. Although he managed to score well for his SPM, the weight of people’s perceptions of him still weighed heavily on him, no doubt about that.

The most shocking thing was that Solar,his very own brother, his obnoxious junior who always refused to be related to him had been the one who had told Irwin the rumour, rumours found.

Taufan didn’t believe so he asked Solar, but how foolish of him to believe that Solar had ever a shred of mercy after what he had done to the other brothers. He admitted, with a cocky sneer, that indeed he was the mastermind behind it all.

And that…that was the day Taufan saw Solar as a demon in human skin, no longer his annoying,sinister but forgivable baby brother.

But now the demon had been banished from this realm. So why would he ever feel pity for a demon? Taufan closed the one-sided discussion with a loud mental ‘shut up’ as he slipped his shoes off at the gate of their home,before his cracked heel met with the cold floor, the wind in the room for the first time since the moment he found out Solar was dead, was not welcoming.

The wind that he was named for had shunned him. Life’s going great,he muttered to himself as his cogs in his brain continued to digest the truth that was staring right in his face like those forehead pic memes.

Chapter Text

To grow plants need light

But now,light is no longer in sight

I may cry with all my might

But to argue with fate,a useless fight

I knew that I was the first

But my spite was still in thirst

I let your slim chance burst

I admit that it's me, not you,who is the worst

Just so you know

When I saw your blood flow

Your eyes and lips closed low

That was the hardest blow

Where one small mistake could lead

It led to you, gone, lost, dead

For you,I'd hurt and bleed

Come back to me, to us, I plead

What you did last time, that doesn't matter

We can forgive that later

I'm sorry for being your hater

Please, don't let me shatter

Now that I think of it

Your hands were never dirty,not one bit

You only admitted when it fit

I feel there's something behind all your wit

So today we buried you, you're not alive

What would I do to save

Your life,so I'd realise how to you, I still love

You and everything under your name, I now crave

Adik,Solar,Cahaya,Haya,come back

I miss the half that completes what I lack

Help me out of this misery before I crack

Come, back, please, I'd do anything to hear your spark

Chapter Text

Will you forgive me

It’s fine even if you don’t

Life has left your body

Love from us has only decided to show itself now

Your body is below the ground

Our lives now are no longer the same

Under each person, the cracks unseen

For your sudden passing

Our family has gathered around

Relatives and close cousins too

Grieving in your name

It’s a hovering subject

Venom in your body

Explanation made no sense

Might have to clean up your stuff

Every single corner

A creeping sensation

Dread rising in me

If you ask me

Kinda ironic

Seems that tables have turned

Old lies come to attest

Laid out in a single file

At this point

Really, I’m sorry

Cracks in your phone

And you could’ve asked

Hounded for a new one

And you kept it cause

You kept all the memories

Archived with our past

Maybe there’s something

You did know something, did you

Books in your room

Racks of them

On your shelves

The air is tinged with sorrow

Hear me when I say that

Echoing in your room is nothing but

Regret beyond belief

Chapter Text

Time: Task, from dawn till dusk

5.30 am Start the day, don’t delay

6.00 am Get ready with haste, not a second to waste

6.30 am To school, so I don’t become a fool

7.00 am Reached, today’s classes I researched

8.00 am Double Math, to some it’s death

10.00 am Supposed to rest your brain, but I have to train

10.30 am Science now, just retelling everything I know

11.30 am Physical education, highlights my situation

12.30 pm History, today’s lesson is quite dry

1.30 pm Lunch, but I get nothing more than a munch

2.00 pm Geography, the subject like choreography

3.00 pm More training, so I’ll be winning

6.00 pm No break but pens streak

6.30 pm Getting thinner, time for dinner

7.00 pm Homework, glasses slip like a dork

7.30 pm Training worksheets, marks as red as beets

9.00 pm Eat chocolate, so I can stay up late

9.15 pm Revise, like the next day will be my demise

11.15 pm Cry a bit, ‘cause I can’t take it

12.00 am Finally sleep, but not too deep

maybe Dream of my brothers, if they had not turned into my haters

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 12

BLAZE POV

The room was cold. Cold that just didn’t make sense as the sun was once again glaring brightly through the sliding glass windows of the living room, rays of light streaming through. Maybe the cold was the leftover from the previous rainfall. That was how the weather was like, nowadays. Hot like a desert for a moment and cold like the Arctic.

Stupid weather. Stupid Solar. Stupid him. The weather was stupid, being so beautiful like a comparison to what they were going through. It was sweltering hot when they hadn’t buried Solar. Windy and breezy when they stayed at the grave. Raining like if it was a bit colder, it could have been hail. Stupid, bratty, cocky Solar was dead. Always acting like he could handle it all. Always hiding everything. Always being so streetdumb but booksmart. Stupid him for ever wishing that Solar would die.

Now that he is, all he wants is for Solar to be there again.

Funny what a small boy’s mind could do. Break them apart, drive a wedge between their relationship. But Blaze noticed, before they had left him, without knowing that moment was the last, final time he was going to see his beautiful, idiotic brother.

The way Solar’s eyes held hope, not pride, like there was another chance that he had granted them and hoped would be used. The way Solar hid his hands behind his back, but he damn well knew that they were trembling and clammy, because of Solar’s habit of doing that, as if he was in the flipping military. The way Solar’s voice bade farewell to them, brimming with melancholy, his bittersweet smile.

As to why he left Solar, his brat…he wasn’t gonna think of that now. Everyone was breaking. And he couldn’t afford to. Even if the flame had been put out, the embers still had to live on. Now he couldn’t look back, or he’d break. His brothers had made that mistake and he had to be the one to not repeat the mistake, for once.

He exited the car, after Duri had broken Taufan from his trance. Taufan was falling back to the past. Everyone was. So he had to be the one to stay in the present and not allow the past to unnerve him. So far, that was working well. Honestly, he was surprised to know that he was the only one who hadn’t broken down yet.

It just wasn’t in his nature. He only felt hollow, hollow in his mind, hollow in his heart. The feeling that makes your heart float and sink, the kind of unseen pain that takes your heart in a vice grip and squashes it hard.

Everyone had broken. Duri, with his snot-smeared pack of tissues that never seemed to end. Gempa’s sniffles, his weak attempt to hide his sorrow. Ais and his dream. Halilintar, with his one-word answers so that no one would hear him or his voice, cracking. Taufan was still clacking his pen cap open and close, an absent look in his eyes. His parents and grandfather were silent, but he knew they were breaking, again and again, in their minds.

His cousins and uncles came out of their cars a little while later, as they had been separated by a traffic light, so they were a bit late. Blaze looked up to his cousins, although he didn’t really say it.

They always got along well with each other, even though they were really different. Supra, Sori and Sopan were Uncle Ocho’s and Auntie Maria’s children while Glacier, Gentar and Frostfire were Uncle Mecha’s and Auntie Zara’s children.

Unlike his own family. Broken, shattered, torn apart. And the culprit? Dead, and he’ll never be alive again.

But sometimes he thought about it, after he and his brothers moved away from their home to live with their grandfather, away from a tyrant named Solar Cahaya Bin Amato. But there was something off about everything, it lingered in the cold humid air. Like there was more to Solar’s death and before that. Not just a blade blanketed in cyanide in the lower back of his youngest, as the autopsy had described.

There was always something off about Solar, as if he was hiding the secrets of the entire universe from them. The way Solar would only own up to the wrongdoing the moment after the noise had gone down, only to stir up more drama. He should have joined the Drama Club, instead of the Science Society and Math Society. He had the acting skills comparable to a real actor, so manipulative and convincing. Or maybe the Writing Club.

Blaze remembered the reason Solar began to shine in his academics. It wasn’t Science or Math at first, but English. His words were raw but truthful, prose and poetry like it was second nature to him. He remembered the times Solar’s study table would be filled with drafts upon drafts of poems, small scribbles of writing or an occasional doodle. But after going into secondary school, that stopped.

Solar began to embrace the complexities of Math and Science. When Blaze went into his room one day to steal chocolates from Duri’s drawer, while Solar was at school for his training, there were none of the usual chaotic but comforting notes and slips of paper. The poems, stories, drafts they were all just…gone.

It was so systematic, worksheets filled with equations and questions he himself couldn’t fully grasp despite being the older one. Every stack, not even a centimetre out of place. A water bottle was on the floor, empty and dry. Trashcan was filled with crumpled papers. He picked up the topmost one, curious of what the boy had thrown until the trashcan that was as tall as the table was full.

He uncrumpled the foolscap paper, smoothening the textured surface. Then he fished out another one from the bin. Then another. Before he knew it, the floor was scattered with all the works Solar had written, scribbled over by scathing remarks. One read: improper grammar. Another: unsuitable for school. Another: too happy. Needs more drama. Only creative writing level. The last one, so harsh, Blaze himself felt a failure too. Not enough. Stop this.

But just as Blaze was about to look into the papers any further he heard Solar calling out a very sullen “I’m home.” As he heard the dull thump of his school bag. Quickly, he re-crumpled all the papers and stuffed them back into the trash, erasing his tracks, before continuing to open Duri’s drawer so he’d just get a sulky Duri not a full blown Solar Blast (patent pending).

He was going to ask Solar about that over dinner, in front of everyone, so he couldn’t escape. But he forgot about it. And that repeated for the next few days, soon, Blaze had totally forgotten about that.

But now he remembered it again. The way the remarks were written in an unforgiving red, tears marking some at the bottom of the pages, as if it was a signature. The way some had been ripped to pieces, some uniformly torn by a shredder.

He recognised the scrawled handwriting, the slanted r’s and d’s. He knew he had seen them before somewhere, but he couldn’t connect the two.

But as he recalled Solar’s last words played by Gempa on his phone in the car repeatedly, without earpieces, for all to hear. He felt there was something he had overlooked, something out of place that should have perfectly fit in.

Then again, he noticed the way that Solar used to eye poetry books with such longing, Blaze thought he was the nerd version of Tantalus. No way Solar would throw away his words just like that. But hadn’t Solar screamed at him, loud enough for the entire house to hear?

”Blaze, words are useless! I’m not writing anymore! They are nothing more than fantasies that would never ever come true! Science and Math are better for intellectuals like me, anyway.”

Each word felt like a hot bullet, although he himself hated writing or reading. He had just asked why Solar wasn’t writing anymore, bringing with him that small notebook that he always wrote in whenever he had spontaneous inspiration. Blaze knew that was the only window in Solar’s jarring life, and he was ripping that away from himself?

That was when he still cared about Solar. But it wasn’t that he didn’t care after that, it was just that his heart lost any trust. Any chance to bring back the Cahaya his family knew. The bubbly, smiling, caring Cahaya. Not the serious, frowning, uncaring Solar.

Heck, now he was too late. Solar was dead, he’d never even get the worst form of his brother. The way his brow seemed to relax whenever his surroundings were bright, no more. God, what had he been thinking when he wished for Solar to die? Now Solar was dead, and Blaze wanted nothing more than for Solar to call him a stupid idiot sandwich without pickles. Even a smug smirk was enough. But he’d never get that.

Then after that, it happened. But Blaze was absolutely not going to think of that now. He had delved into his memories too much already, he was afraid that if he went any deeper, he would sink into the throes of grief, levels too much for him to bear.

As Blaze placed his shoes in the cupboard, he noticed something. Solar had only another pair of shoes in his cupboard. That was weird. When they were still living together, he remembered Solar to have around three more pairs of shoes because his little brother was a literal model when it came to clothing. What happened to the others?

Blaze’s attention was diverted to his parents calling everyone to the living room. It looked pretty urgent so he quickly put his shoes in the cupboard before heading there. Ais seemed really out of it so he dragged his brother along with him so they wouldn’t get scolded by their parents for being so slow.

Within a few minutes, everyone had gathered around. The elders were seated, the younger ones just sat on the ground in an uneven circle around the table as there was no place for them to be seated and why didn't they have the meeting where everyone could sit, he didn’t know.

Aria shot Gempa,Taufan and Halilintar a quick glance, and the three immediately stood and headed towards the kitchen. They had forgotten to prepare drinks for their guests, as per their family’s usual courtesy. Even if the world was about to end, his mother would ask them to make some drinks if there were guests over.

Blaze sat on the cold marble floor, the lack of heat stinging through his trousers, sitting with his legs to the side. Not too far away, he began catching the soft scent of hibiscus tea wafting in the air. He sucked it in, welcoming the scent that allowed him to at least be sure that he wasn’t drifting into his own world. The clinking of the dainty glasses reserved specially for guests, the crackling of wrappers being shifted in a container.

Beside him, Duri and Ais clung to each other in a small clomp, he would have taken pictures of them if not for the circumstances. Duri’s eyes were puffy and red, while Ais was calmly stroking his back, whispering for him to slowly breathe in and out. But Ais was trembling too, he could see that.

He held them both in a tight embrace,the action speaking louder than any words.

“Ri, Ais, it’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok…We’ll find a way.”

Blaze tried to assure him but his confidence in those words waxed and waned. We’re they all gonna be okay? Will they find a way to live without Solar, without the pain that came with the grief?

Blaze didn’t know how he would survive in the future. Then again, no one ever knew the future either. The knowledge calmed him ever so slightly, knowing that he could only plan for the future but not determine it.

Then Halilintar, Taufan and Gempa returned to the coffee table, setting cups of tea on top of a small coaster and a few snacks on a small plate for their guests. None for themselves, though.

Murmurs of gratitude and thanks waved through the space, thanking the brothers for preparing the tea and snacks for them. Some put the rim of the cups to their lips, slowly shrinking and some let it sit, to cool it down.

Blaze slowly massaged the backs of both Duri and Ais, trying to calm them down so his parents wouldn’t scold them for crying too loud. Thankfully, it worked so now all that was present was simply a blank look, that hid pains too many in number.

He looked to his cousins, once again. When they were younger, the cousins had practically babysat them every single day, when all the brothers still lived together.

He remembered the way Sopan always had to run to his room to keep his silat weapons that he displayed in his room when he, Taufan and Duri, especially, came over.

He remembered the way Solar and Duri would always plant plants together at the corridor or the balcony of Sori’s house.

He remembered how Gempa would always ask Frostfire to teach him how to cook so that he could cook something other than instant noodles when their parents…weren’t around.

He remembered how sometimes Gentar would teach Halilintar and Taufan how to calm themselves down in case of their cases.

He remembered how Glacier would tell himself and Ais on how to spot scams so that they wouldn’t be tricked and stuff like that. So that they wouldn’t be fooled…even if they didn’t have access to the outside world.

He remembered the way Solar would ask for Supra’s research papers to flip through, to look at the beautiful, flowery words that Supra always used in his lectures as a professor in language arts.

Most of all, he missed the way they used to be together, hearts beating as one. But now, one heart had stopped beating. Forever, for an eternity.

He held back tears, Solar’s excited voice bouncing around relentlessly in his mind. Stop thinking about it, stop it, he told himself.

He had to stop thinking about Solar. But that's where things got hard. He couldn’t stop thinking about Solar. Every corner, every memory, every single goddamn thing seemed to bring his train of thought back to Solar. It was as if Solar had never really gone, his ghost still hanging around.

But that’s not realistic or grounded in scientifically proven evidence and theory, as Solar would say. There he went again, quoting Solar like he was reading the story of Solar’s diary of his life word for word.

God, he sounded like Solar’s lover at this point, not his brother. But then again that was it. Blaze was his lover, not romantically but platonically. The platonical kind of love that came unconditionally, whether you liked it or not. the platonical love that would shred your conscience, your existence, your being into ribbons, even if you hated them from the top of their heads to the tips of their toes. The love that he’d never escape from.

Just as Blaze thought they were just going to sit in silence like that, Tok Aba cleared his throat lightly. As if the thought of the news he was about to announce had clogged his throat with phlegm.

“We…we need to discuss what we should do with Solar’s things. I know this is a bit rushed but no one other than us should know of what happened.”

Many of the cousins and siblings jolted or audibly gasped, clearly taken aback by the sudden declaration. Why and how were they moving on so fast and why were they not allowed to tell others?

As the silence grew louder, Halilintar spoke up, in a tightly restrained voice, his fingers trembling slightly.

“Why? Why do we have to hide it?”

In the tension of the room, Halilintar’s query hit harder than it did in their minds. Halilintar, the straight as a ruler one, who almost never questioned orders. His tone was quavering with such emotion that Blaze could have sworn that if words could cry, they would have.

Tok Aba looked at him disapprovingly, clearly not expecting any banter regarding this matter. Amato and Aria glared at Halilintar for talking back to Tok Aba, even if it was nothing more than pure curiosity.

Halilintar tried to continue with his doubt.

“Like—“

“No discussion, Hali. This is your mother’s and my decision and you will follow it. Do you hear me?”

Amato cut Hali’s sentence, clearly not tolerating any form of rebellion, even if it wasn’t.

“But, Ayah…”

His elder brother tried to take his stand, but the grief in his father began to morph. Morph to instability. To misdirected anger. The only emotion Blaze never wanted to have.

Blaze closed his brothers ears, knowing that given their current situation, they were in no condition to hear the argument go on. He himself began shaking, knowing what would come next. He had heard this plot too many times, he could only bite his lip as he watched on, his brother, who was standing now, headstrong against their father.

Their relatives kept silent, but the cousins were conveying concerned looks, knowing that this was no longer about the discussion. It was anger that Halilintar never deserved. This was the usual script, seen all too many times over the course of time.

“Halilintar. Do. You. Hear. Me?”

Halilintar was about to open his mouth when Amato strided in powerful steps towards him. Face to face now.

“You, you, don't you dare be rude. I’m warning you one last time, my hands are light. If I have had enough, you’re getting it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Do you understand me, Halilintar?”

Amato’s voice dropped to a low whisper,loud enough for Halilintar and his brothers to hear but soft enough for their relatives to be unable to hear what was said.

Halilintar’s eyes widened at the sudden threat, shocked that his mere question had escalated into the script that they had played like dolls. He wanted to fight, rebel, Blaze could see that. But if he were to fight, it would happen. And the other brothers couldn’t handle it. They were still too fragile. Halilintar had to back down.

“Yes, sorry.”

Hali choked out the words, grief clogging up his voice.

All his brother had asked was why did they have to keep this a secret. Why was this happening? Blaze wanted to so badly hug his brother to protect him, but he had to take care of Duri and Ais first and Halilintar was not a fan of physical touch.

The cousins seemed to get worried too, seeing that Taufan was moving his mouth without words and Gempa was shaking head ever so slightly, as if that would stop his father’s wrath.

Blaze hugged his brothers, whispering.

“Ayah won’t do it, we’re in front of our cousins, don’t worry, please.”

Unsatisfied with Halilintar’s lack of response, Amato spoke again.

“Yes what, Halilintar? The wall? You pig? Say it again.”

Halilintar’s breath became bated now, trying to control himself from lashing out that would only make things worse.

No, no, no, not this again. Not this again. Please, Abang Hali, please, don’t make Ayah angry…

“S-sorry…Yes, ayah…”

His brother tried for a monotone voice, only for him to stutter.

“For what? For existing? For being dumb? For what, I ask you!”

Even when the remark wasn’t directed at him, he was hurt by it. Blaze couldn’t imagine how heavy Halilintar felt now, with the news of Solar’s death weighing him down further.

“Yes, ayah…sorry for trying to ask a question.”

Halilintar still believed he was right, because he was.

”No, that’s the wrong answer. Stand at the door till you get the right answer. You think you already know everything? No. You’re still under my roof. I don’t care whether you’re two, twelve or twenty but my house, my rules. Until then, you listen to every single word I say. Do you understand, Halilintar Petir Bin Amato? Do you understand?

Amato’s voice had risen greatly now, everyone could hear the last two sentences that he had said, causing Halilintar to visibly flinch and for Blaze’s breath to hitch. Ais and Duri twitched slightly too, as if they wanted to peek out of Blaze’s arms. But he wasn’t going to let them see the scene unfold before them.

“Abang, is…Abang Hali getting punished again?”

Duri’s voice cut his thoughts. He realised Ais and Duri could still hear the conversation, although he had them in a close embrace, their faces buried in his hoodie.

“No…. Uh… Halilintar just needs to go to the toilet, yeah.”

Blaze knew he had just created the literally dumbest excuse in the entire universe but if that meant it would shield his brothers, he would. Please, please make Duri buy it, he thought in his mind.

Then after a long beat of choking silence, Hali replied.

“Y-yes…ayah…”

He looked up in horror as he saw Halilintar turning around, his fingers twitching and contorting awkwardly as he walked towards the door, and stood there. His tears were silent, like condensation dripping down a cold glass.

”So, as I was saying, we need to clean Solar’s room as soon as possible. And not to tell this to anyone.”

His father continued on, as if what had happened previously was nothing but a faceless illusion.

He grasped Ais and Duri tighter, knowing that this conversation, wherever it was going, it was about to break whatever microscopic hopes they ever had.

Chapter Text

The fire still burns bright and hot

But it used to be brighter

Take that last shot

Before the fire needs a lighter

The lighter had set fire to Earth’s nature

And when the lighter betrayed the flame

The fire was forced to mature

Although it was innocent, it became the blame

But now there’s no lighter to restart the fire

The flame would slowly die out

No longer able to see or admire

The flame without the lighter, has no way to flicker about

So the fire has to find a new source

Now that the lighter is out of oil

Find its own course

Without the lighter which is beneath the soil

Now the flame has to be a pillar

The flame that was meant to be free

In a suit, has to be the stiff collar

As the sanity in the Earth begins to flee

Maybe the lighter was forced

To set up the fire, time and time again

The elements that were scorched

Even when the light has died, they still are in pain

Well in the present, darkness shrouds

The entirety of the earth

There is no mercy, even in the clouds

The Earth's elements have never felt this loss called death

But the fire still tries to ignite

Even when its only remnants of smoke

The carbon monoxide feels like a bite

But no matter how much the elements break, the dead will never wake