Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"You've really got to stop leaving your stuff in our room," Jay told Bucky when she saw the tin can of hair gel in his hand. He didn't seem to listen to her as he unscrewed the lid.

Bucky dug his fingers into the gel, massaging it into his palm before smoothing it over his combed hair. Bucky leaned towards her mirror to get a clearer view and Jay rolled her eyes at the detail he put into such simple tasks. "Why not? I spend more than half my time here, might as well leave some of my things." So Bucky had heard what she said.

"You might as well just move in." Jay responded, swiftly getting up from where she was sitting on her bed. She strutted over, plucking the can of gel from the floor and walking away.

Jay mindlessly screwed the lid back on tight. Bucky's complaints were heard and she turned around. Her hip jutted out, nearing the edge of her shared desk. Right by her feet was a trash can.

Bucky turned around, "Hey come on, give it back." The can dangled in between her fingers, hovering dangerously over the bin. Bucky, with literal sticky fingers, could not go grab the object in her hand, so with a smirk, she let the can go. A loud clang sounded and Bucky let out a curse. Jay didn't tell him the bin was empty. Bucky scrambled over to the desk, getting on his knees and beginning to stick his hand down the trash can.

His face contorted in disgust until he realized there was nothing except for a fresh paper bag from their grocery trips. He had already smeared gel all over the can so he pulled it out quickly.

Jay sat back down on her bed, hands clasped behind her head. Bucky sent her a nasty glare, juggling the sticky object in his hands. He placed it on her desk, eliciting a panicked reaction from Jay from where she lay, making her jolt up and rush to her desk. "Don't put it on the desk! Do you know how hard it is to clean your stupid gel?"

"Maybe you shouldn't have thrown it in the trash!" Bucky shot back childishly, leaving the room to wash his hands in the bathroom across the hall.

Jay took a tissue from her desk and picked up the sticky object. She obsessed over the desk, taking another tissue to try and wipe it off. A frown pulled at the corners of her mouth when it only smeared. Such a trivial thing to worry over, but in her bedroom she allowed herself the luxury. Plus, Bucky really got on her nerves most of the time.

She cursed at Bucky, who was in the neighboring room, a foul line of language floating across the hall and echoing up the stairs. Best friends or not, he genuinely angered her half the time. He practiced the art quite a lot, especially days like this where . She took the blasted can of gel to the bathroom where Bucky was scrubbing his hands. She threw it in the sink before pushing him out the way. One day she'd get him back, she swore on it. Jay slapped the back of his head to make him gasp out, "Jay!"

Jay kneeled to the ground, opening the bottom cabinet and grabbing one of the rags. She wet it in the sink after closing up the cabinets and flicked water at her best friend.

She turned on her heel, leaving to clean up Bucky's mess. Jay scrubbed at the table, digging her fingers into the wood to pry it off. The sticky substance was a pain in the ass as it took forever to dissolve or erode away. Bucky emerged from the bathroom looking like a clown. His hair stood in different directions, gel residue tracked along his forehead, even trickling onto his nose. Jay stifled a laugh, fighting to keep her annoyed persona.

Bucky shook his head, grumbling a curse when he went to help her. He lightly shoved her away and started working at the table. He hung his head but Jay could see a faint smile. How could he ever stay angry at her? Doubling over, the laughter burst out of her. She cackled and wheezed in pure joy at his hair, no sound coming out of her at one point. Her shoulders shook with giggles as she tried to calm herself down. Her laugh came out young, naive.

Small giggles escaped through her deep breaths only to tip over again when Bucky snapped up, hair not even moving an inch. "I had a date after this!" Bucky groaned to Jay, basically wilting before her eyes by throwing his head back and dropping to his knees dramatically. Jay let out an "Aw" in a way that let Bucky know she did not feel bad. He spared her an evil glance in the midst of his scene.

Still laughing lightly, Jay grabbed his wrist, dragging him to his feet before stumbling back from where he had just come from. Bucky grunted in surprise as she pulled him along. "If you're gonna make me look hideous I don't even want it." Bucky said and she shook her head. Pulling at his earlobe, Jay scolded him.

"You could never look hideous."

"Even now?" Bucky asked her.

Jay jokingly examined him, raising an eyebrow in fake disgust before replying, "Alright, maybe you could."

Bucky started to leave, pushing her hands off of him, but she pulled him back by the hem of his shirt, his tanned skin showing underneath for a brief moment. Her cheeks heated, but she hoped he couldn't tell, "I'm kidding, I'm just kidding," He didn't believe her and she swore, "Buck, I'm just playing, let me help."

She instructed him to lean over to put his head under the sink, not really giving him a chance to protest. His forehead rested against the ceramic and his elbows held him up. Jay stood beside him, reaching over to turn the water on. Patting his back, she reached over him.

The pipes rumbled before water spewed out of the faucet. Jay let his hair soak in the water before passing behind him to grab her shampoo out of the shower. She struggled to get back over to his side. Squeezing some shampoo out into her hand, she began to massage it into Bucky's hair. Gel stuck but she cleaned it off the ends of his hair. She focused on cleaning his cropped, curly hair.

It wasn't until Jay felt his soft hair instead of hard, sticky gel that she halted the scrubbing. She scratched his scalp lightly before washing the shampoo off to which he groaned. Smirking, Jay did it again, "Is the army working you too hard?" Jay cooed as she turned the faucet off, quickly switching her shampoo for hair conditioner.

"Shut up," Bucky rolled his eyes, yet he waited patiently as she spread the conditioner on his locks. Jay let it sit, running her fingers through his hair. When she washed the crème out, Bucky's hair was softer than the pillows she could dream of, the ones she couldn't afford- feather stuffed silk. She knew how comfortable they were to rest upon, Bucky's mother pulled those out of their storage for guest. So when Jay had needed to crash after long nights or the few weeks she had no where to stay, she set her brother up in the guest room and shared with Bucky.

Jay handed him a spare raggedy towel, nothing compared to the lavish resources his family lent to her, allowing him to dry his hair and leaving the bathroom. She opened up her bedside table drawer, grabbing her wooden comb carved from the left over firewood from the winter too close to rotting away which she knew he would have tried to use to brush out his crunchy hair just ten minutes prior.

Bucky stepped into the shared bedroom, drying his hair with violent shakes, spraying her before raising the cloth to his scalp. With one hand he scrubbed at the top of his head. Jay fought back a roll of her eyes as he winked at her. He threw the towel straight at her, hitting her in the stomach just before he whipped his head back and forth, shaking the water off him like a dog. Jay hid behind her arms, shielding herself from the water. "Stop!" Jay laughed, and Bucky joined in after he stopped. He wobbled slightly from the dizziness the shaking must have ensued.

Jay threw him the brush and the towel back at him which he both caught. Bucky threw the towel over his shoulder to begin brushing his hair with ease. His hair fell down by his eyes, he needed a haircut. Jay flopped onto her bed, waiting. She stared at the ceiling, playing with strands of her dark curls. "You need a haircut."

"Oh yeah? And you don't?" Bucky argued, checking himself out in her mirror, frowning when his hair fell in his eyes, proving his best friend right.

"There's nothing in this world that could make me cut my hair," Jay said, eyes fluttering shut, relaxing into her thin mattress. "It's too beautiful." She simply said, letting that speak for itself as her hair spread over the quilt when she finally folded her hands over her torso. Bucky took a good look at her hair, the edges draped over the edges, nearly sweeping the floor. Since their childhood, Jay had refused to snip away at her locks, claiming she wasn't herself without them.

"I'll shave your head in your sleep one day, you'll never see it coming," Bucky threatened and Jay guffawed.

"You wouldn't live to see another day." Completely serious, Jay peeked at him, "I can clean you up before your date. I've got some practice."

"Yeah? With who?" Bucky shook his head.

"Have you ever seen Toby not looking his best?" Jay sat up, raising an eyebrow, "That is courtesy of me, not Steve's barbershop quartet." She raised her hands up, framing Bucky's face with her fingers and squinting to mimic an artist, "I'm a pro." Bucky huffed a laugh, shaking his head as he shed his shirt. Jay pushed herself up to her feet and across to her desk just beside Steve's bed, dragging the chair directly behind Bucky. Planting a firm hand on his chiseled shoulder, Jay shoved him into a seated position, "Relax," and he did, slouching into the chair and legs spreading instinctively.

Patting his tan skin, Jay murmured, "I'll be right back."

In no time Jay had wrapped a sheet around his neck and cleaned up his neck, cutting away at the overgrown sides of his head. Of course, it wasn't in comfortable in silence, Jay complained to Bucky about small things: the newspaper boy throwing his package at the window, her spoiled plans with Ruth and Estelle, her friends from senior year, and finally her lack of a date with Sandra.

Her boss, well supposedly, kept on canceling their post shift dates, claiming the bars were closed or too dangerous to take her. Jay rolled her eyes at the thought, "Buck, we perform at those bars and she thinks I don't know which ones aren't safe? And no goddamn bar is closed before 10 pm even on a weeknight." She met his inquisitive eyes in the mirror, "I haven't gotten laid in weeks. I'm going insane!" Bucky could only laugh at her.

"You poor soul." He cooed, "Come on, stay focused, I need be out of here within the hour."

"Oh trust me, I'm a tortured soul," she agreed, "You've got a pretty gal you'll be spinning around the dance floor and none of the guys in town are worth the hassle of keeping my dinner down when they try to kiss me on the first date," she scrunched her nose at the thought. "They're too broke to be acting the way they do."

"You don't gotta worry about that with me." Bucky said, voice distant as he turned to look at her.

She nodded, "But I'm not the one you're taking out to dinner." She forced his head back into position, "Stay still." She finished him up, and then violently swept at his head to dust off any hair before pulling the sheet off, "Ta-da!" Then she eyed the mess on her carpet, "I'll vacuum that up later." Jay watched for Bucky's reaction, smiling triumphantly when he shrugged.

"Not bad."

"Oh you totally love it." She told him, spinning on her heel to skip out of the room down the hall. She thumped her head on the low door frame, cackling in the cramped space of their underground rooms, she knew her voice rang out in the gym above.

"I didn't say that." Bucky called after her as she returned the clippers to their spot.

Jay returned, "Oh yes you did," she planted her hands on her hips, "Don't worry, we can jot you down for your next appointment  at the Rogers salon, all included, I'll paint your nails and do your make up, too." Bucky rolled his eyes, "Everything for my best client."

Finally, Bucky bared a grin, "What, did Toby move around too much?"

"Yeah," she shook her head, "nicked him in the ear," when Bucky cringed she added, "That's on him!"

Bucky was hunched shuffling through the bag he had dumped on the floor when he first walked through the door. Nothing helped the fact that his time in the army had developed him waves of muscles located in his back, rippling with each ruffle of laundry within the bag. Jay also realized that he had no pants on. Even worse. Well technically not worse. She hadn't realized he'd decided to strip.

Bucky's muscles flexed with every movement he made. Of course, as friends, Jay had seen him in much worse situations, with more or less clothing. Still, it was a sight to take in. Sucking in a breath, Jay averted her eyes when Bucky turned back to her. He had begun buttoning up a brown plaid shirt she hadn't seen him wear. Bucky's hands worked at the buttons and as he finished, he began to fix his collar. "Is that new?"

He hummed, "Yep." At last Bucky pulled on his dark brown pants, hiding his toned legs from Jay. He tucked in his shirts before buttoning his pants up. Jay sighed in relief, covering it with a cough, yet her eyebrows furrowed.

"What's your date's name?" Jay asked as he pulled his belt around his waist. Fixing the buckle, Bucky smirked, "Francesca, but she lets me call her Frances."

"Where'd you find Frances," she said with a mocking tone. He sprayed his familiar cologne, infecting her room. Bucky reached his hand down to the bottom of his bag and brought out his shoes. He kneeled down, pushing up his pants leg to slip on his shoe with ease.

"She's a nurse on base, she cleaned up that nasty cut I got last week." He pointed to his bicep, pulling up his sleeve to remind Jay, and she nodded at the healing gash, scabbing covering the wound. He tied the laces on both, straightening up to his full height to pose for Jay.

She remembered how the blood had drained from his face, and soon from hers when he revealed the blood soaked bandage. Bucky had always been faint at the sight of blood, ironic given that he trained at base daily. She found that out the day a fight in the back alleys of Jay's neighborhood ended with a beer bottle shattered on Bucky's skull, cutting a deep gash on the bridge of his nose. A white scar crossed the bridge, jagged where his bone protruded. Somehow, he made it work. "How do I look?"

Jay stood up, acting like she was examining him, even perching her hands on her hips like her mother had done so long ago. Her long skirt brushed against his pants as she got closer, swishing with her fluid movements across the cramped room. "Hm," Jay hummed, slipping her fingers into the pocket of his button up to sharply pull him close, "I think Frances is going to like it."

A smirk took place on her face as she gazed at him. Bucky had turned scarlet, wide eyes staring into Jay's own. They stared into each other's eyes but Bucky's had seemed to flicker down to her lips. At first, it seemed like an accident, then he lingered. Before Jay could stutter or blush, she pushed Bucky back slightly when she let go of the pocket her fingers had begun to dig into.

He would not play with her, she wouldn't let him. She knew him well enough to recognize his flirtatious personality he hid while around her. This was the same guy who'd challenge her to get the most dates by the end of the night. Unfortunately, he'd won a great majority- that wasn't to say Jay struggled. It seemed to only be Sandra who she struggled with. "When is this date of yours?" Jay tried to redirect the conversation.

Bucky coughed like there was something stuck in his throat before responding, "In thirty minutes."

"Where are you taking her?"

"Freddy's." Jay forced her jealousy away.

"The one with the live band?"

"Yep," he popped the 'p', and Jay thanked God that she'd decided to stay in, that she'd turned down the offer from Freddy's to perform, she didn't think she could stomach watching him flirt. Sure, when they were betting each other who could get the most dates in a night, she'd watch him flirt to secure her service- for some reason he refused to take money from her in every gamble- but she wasn't seventeen anymore. That had been a decade ago. Bucky began packing his clothes away, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

Jay made her way out of her room and up the stairs to the main level. She passed by the boxing ring in the center of the gym. Bucky followed her to the front door. Jay undid the five locks on the front doors, turning them all west. She remembered how she'd struggled to open the heavy door to leave for work the first day she'd moved in, but Toby only wanted to protect his home and business.

"Bucky, are you leaving?" A feminine voice sounded from behind them. Jay froze and Bucky turned around swiftly to smile at the woman who had let Jay live with her, forcing a smile to meet Jelena's eyes. Jelena's long blond waves bounced as she walked towards them. A big belly protruded from her floral dress, her baby only needing to wait another two months before release.

Always a gentleman, Bucky nodded with a bright grin, "Yes ma'am, I've scored a date."

Jelena's hands rested on her belly but she brought one up to cup Bucky's jaw in her hand, "I don't believe it's too hard for you to get a date." She always knew what to say, her blue eyes crinkled, she had about five years of wisdom over them yet they all saw her as a mother. The things she'd lived through,

Bucky blushed before turning to Jay, "I bet Jay thinks otherwise."

She rolled her eyes, not caring to even entertain him with a glare, "I think that you shouldn't screw up my desk just to get all dolled up for your date." Jay crossed her arms in front of her chest, raising a dark eyebrow at him.

Bucky rolled his eyes, checking his watch in a passing glance, "I've gotta go otherwise I'll be late."

Jelena wished him farewell and Jay gave him a side hug, wrapping her arm around his waist before opening the door with a loud chime to let him out. She watched Bucky open the trunk to his car and place his bag in from the doorway, eyes following him as he unlocked his car to sit in the driver's seat. He looked back to her, a mischievous smirk plastered on his face as he saluted to her. Her lips spread into a thin line, bitter, but she returned the salute half-assed with two fingers pressed to her hair line, waving him off.

He threw his hands up in the air, calling out to her, "Come on! Don't be like that!"

To her advantage, the car muffled him, so she cupped her ear to lean in, "What'd you say?"

"You little-"

"Can't hear you!" She cupped her lips to amplify her shouts at his car just to piss him off, then she pointed to her ears, and then raised her hand in farewell, tipping her head to push the door shut. Turning her back to him, she could hear his engine roar to life, hastily merging into Brooklyn traffic that had rarely muddled the streets. No one could afford cars let alone gas, letting their cars bought during the golden years rot on the roadside, but Bucky could.

He'd fill up the clunker Toby owned every now and then when he noticed it had been collecting dust. Sometimes she'd grown jealous of him, especially during their shared teen years, but Bucky had only ever offered her help. More often than not, she rode with him.

She found Jelena giving her an unimpressed look, oh yes, she'd be a fine mother. Jay'd met the same eyes after sneaking in during early morning hours after drinking in an abandoned field with Bucky. Steve joined their adventures once he'd been freed of bedrest. Jelena sighed, shaking her head as she walked past the boxing ring, more like waddling with hand rubbing her belly.

"Come on," Jelena called her to follow, "Let's start dinner, I think I heard Toby talking about a client at six. You know how they get." Jay followed the green eyed woman to the kitchen, pushing through a door to lead to the secluded part of the apartment. Instinctively, she went to the pantry and Jelena began nitpicking the cups left out on the counter, angrily

Jay snorted the pregnant woman's complaints as she shuffled through the pantry. It was scarce, like most households. Quickly, Jay set out her ingredients while ushering Jelena away from the scene. While filling a kettle with water, placing it on the stove to boil Jelena pulled open a drawer in the kitchen island, focusing on her sewing.

In the other room, the door chimed and a client dropped his bag down on the ground, calling out, "Toby?"

Within minutes, the loud greetings subsided and their session started. Loud yelling echoed throughout the gym and Jelena shook her head. "Money is money but could they be any louder?" They both chuckled when a loud crash followed. Toby had the mouth of a sailor, somehow it escalated when teaching.

As Jay finalized the stew and pulled out another pot to cook the rice in, the front door chimed again and it let her know that her brother arrived home. Steve had been out all day at the library or the park to sketch, he'd been craving fresh air, she knew that. He still didn't tell her though, instead he said he had wanted inspiration and he wouldn't find it in their room.

Toby, out of breath, called out to Steve, "Hey Stevie! They're in the kitchen."

Promptly, the grunting resumed. Soon enough the kitchen door was pushed open to reveal her brother. From where she stood by the sink, a bag of rice crinkling in her grip, Jay's eyes raked over Steve, taking in his appearance from his small stance blocking the door from properly swinging shut. Blond hair and blue eyes. The complete opposite of Jay, their phenotypes contrasted greatly, but that didn't reflect in the smile they shared. No injuries, no bruises, or a scratch, nothing marked his surface. Relief flooded her body, her shoulders loosened as she waved him over into the safe space she and Jelena so often created.

The tension straining in his neck and the red tendrils tugging at the cerulean blue irises he inherited from their late mother seemed to release their strong hold on the expression Steve met her with as he paced across the creaky brown wooden boards, avoiding the loose nails in the process.

A leather bound sketchbook never left his hand for he replicated art through his own hands, his bag full of second hand art supplies hung low by his hip, slung over his shoulder when he rounded the kitchen island, pressing a kiss to Jelena's cheek while setting his things down on the stool beside her. "Hello dear," Jelena said, focused on puncturing her sole needle through the pillow case, a pink thread loosely trailing the counter.

"You still think its a girl?" Steve quizzed, lifting his hand off of her clothed shoulder, raising an eyebrow at her.

"I know it is," Jelena shot back, and Steve shook his head with a soft chuckle rumbling through his frail chest. He walked over to Jay who extended an arm, fitting easily into her frame to wrap his arms around her waist and inhale her floral fragrance that Bucky had funded to her a few Valentines before. Jay's entire embrace, Steve sometimes wished it could suffocate him wholly, he'd die surrounded by the woman who loved him most. Jay didn't understand why he held onto her for so long, head buried into her chest, or why Steve pulled back with remorseful eyes. Most of the time, she pried, but a feeling in her gut told her to keep quiet.

His hand slipping away from hers, she caught a glimpse of their contrasting tones. Everyone who came across the unusual family expected Jay to relate to Toby and Steve to Jelena, she didn't blame them for it. Bronze ebony colored their skin, tight coils crowning Toby's head while Jay's curls cascaded down her back in rushing waterfalls, both a black hue, but their eyes didn't match in the slightest. Toby always met guests with a warm brown that could harden into onyx when agitated, but Jay... her golden hazel eyes contrasted every member who lived under their roof. She'd gotten the comment a lot, her stare being unnerving, a fierce shine that made strangers feel as though they stared up into the blazing sun.

That's why she avoided Steve's eyes, afraid she'd intimidate him out of explaining his day. The arguments that they'd had over a certain look she gave him unknowingly. So she looked down at her hands, focusing on moving her slender fingers in an efficient manner to wash the rice without doubling the water bill. "What'd you do today?" Jay asked, draining the water into a bottle to set aside to wash her hair later on.

Steve leaned against the counter on his forearm, tilting his head until the thin skin under his jaw rolled. He sighed, thinking to himself before recounting the events briefly, "I went to the library and walked to the park after." Alright then, it would be a rough day. But Jay wouldn't let him get away with it so easily. "Can I make the rice?" Steve asked tentatively.

Jay forfeited the task to him without a second thought, walking over to his bag. "You were out all day, draw some nice pictures?" She plucked the sketchbook to sit beside the blonde who barely paid attention to their conversation, humming a tune with her tongue stuck out between her lips. Jay wanted to laugh at her hunched position but Steve's demeanor nagged at her, something inside her screamed something had happened that he was reluctant to tell her about.

From the potato skin, Jay made chips, and from the smell wafting through the kitchen, Jay knew they were near ready. Like everything they ate, nothing went to waste, and with time each one of them learned how to make the most with what they had. Unlike the Barnes family, they lived on a tighter budget, especially with the lack of men roaming the streets who wanted to learn to fight. Why pay for lessons when you could easily enlist? She'd been shocked to lean Toby had a client, more than half of his pay had been swept away by the draft.

Plaguing her brain, Francesca refused to grant her a moment of peace since Bucky had uttered her name. Frances. Ugh, Jay could be sick just thinking about it. The jealousy infecting her blood made her want to run out of the doors in a rampage and slash his tires, but Jay knew she'd need that car sooner or later, and she'd taken his stupidity long enough that she couldn't berate him for it anymore. Knowing him, he'd flirted with her the second she open the door, he walked her to the passenger seat because Bucky was a gentleman through and through.

Jay cursed herself, she didn't have the right to be so envious, Jay didn't claim him. He wasn't hers. Nevertheless, Jay didn't even know Francesca and she already hated her.

Hate is a strong word, her mother would say, you can never truly hate someone but you can dislike them. Jay could, she would argue otherwise because at the moment, she was feeling some strong hatred towards Francesca. Honestly, she hated a lot of things. Her mother was dead of course, so she'd be arguing with bones in the cemetery across the city. What a lost cause.

Steve, oh he didn't know, bless his soul because she'd rather die than explain to him about how madly in love she'd been with their best friend.

Jeez, the tension would never melt away. She flipped through the pages, glancing up at her brother as he eyed her warily. Portraits of her, Bucky, and everyone worth in their lives threw themselves out to her eyes, some messily sketched, others refined in a way Jay knew sending him to art school was worth it. He always caught the unknown story in their eyes, either through the worn lines in their face or the bright toothy smile he'd caught them in.

But there were barely any new works of art in the sketchbook. Furrowing her eyebrows, Jay searched for a new piece only to find blank pages, "Did you draw today?"

She flipped it around for him to peer at while moving through the kitchen to turn on the back burner, "This is from last week." It was a landscape portrait of Toby working in the ring from the benches where Steve so often sat, his gloves on and his shirt discarded on the ropes while he practiced with Jay. She always found herself in awe of how he could memorize a split second scene and replicate it. She'd been in a white tank top tucked under the band of her bra to all free flow of air to her overheated core slicked in sweat wearing one of Toby's shorts that came down to her knees as she stood a few inches below the tall man.

In the black and white, Steve captured the sweat dripping down Toby's wide, muscular back, his wings spreading as he threw a punch where Jay's head should have been, but had duck under, her hair pulled back in a ponytail swishing in her trail. Her prominent biceps defined themselves as she tensed in her hunched position, her abs caving in on themselves.

Steve didn't miss a single muscle from the tendons in her calves and Toby's thick quads and veins bulging in his neck. The stern expression in her face had been morphing into strain as she looked up at Jay through her brows, her otherwise full lips pulled into a firm line and she remembered the next moment she'd stood to her full height to land a nasty hit into his jaw that sent him stumbling back into the ropes.

"Oh," Steve stuttered, "I- I uh, I just added some finished touches before I looked around some stores." He didn't meet her eyes, "Didn't buy anything though, nothing was interesting enough."

"Where'd you look?" Jay asked, "And I thought you were just going out to draw?"

All of a sudden, Steve lashed out, rashly dropping the dishes into the sink with a clatter that made Jay flinch, "Why do you always want to control what I do? Do I have to tell you everything that I do?" His spat out the word with anger, eyes shooting her a glare as he finally beared to looked at her. This wasn't like him. To use violence to get her to stop, Steve always deemed himself better than that when in arguments with his sister- the jackasses on the street he didn't care to stoop to their level. Jay had frozen in her seat and Jelena stopped humming. She stared at him, and then slowly closed the book to set it down on the table.

"Sorry, I just wanted to know, something could have happened."

"Well nothing happened," Steve snapped, "I'm fine, I'm not some sort of fragile package you have to protect, I'm fine- I can survive on my own." Clearly, Jay had overstepped, and she knew Steve had been sick of her worrying for the past few weeks he lived confined to the apartment with the strict help of Jelena while Jay and Toby worked. So she backed off, and tipped her head in apology.

"I know you can," she slid the sketchbook to the edge, "I didn't mean it like that." Steve didn't appear to be convinced, "Stevie, I'm serious."

For an extended moment, as he covered the pot of rice wit its lid, he ignored her. But then, he finally sighed, shaking his head as he rubbed the wrinkles in his forehead, "I know." He had furrowed eyebrows when he turned away. He busied himself by 'checking' the rice which was no way near done.

Jay didn't say anything towards his actions, standing to hand him plates which she had grabbed from the top cabinets. Her brother struggled with the weight of the ceramic yet there were no complaints coming from his mouth as he walked over to the dining table. The glass contrasted from the second hand dark mahogany table and Jay followed with silverware in her grasp.

The siblings set up the table with finesse that could have only resulted from years of practice. Quickly, they'd taken their seats with Jelena between them where Jay handed her brother his supplies to wait out Toby's lesson. Steve drew in his notebook, quiet as a mouse. Jay could hear his pencil running along the pages while she laid flat against the counter. Jay's nose smushed against the counter made it so she breathed through her mouth. Strands of air clouded her visions, eyes falling shut after she strained to see what Steve was drawing. She just wanted to eat and sleep.

She analyzed her brother's features, admiring him with an adoration flushing through her chest. The only 'blood' she had left, her baby brother who'd grown up right before her eyes with a talent she hadn't known existed when playing in the streets with him, running around and sitting with him on the curb while waiting for his asthma to subside.

It had been a matter of fate, Sarah and Joseph Rogers, the young, freshly married couple who tried for a child relentlessly only to realize in fear that the war was running out of men to send in. Joseph was starting to move up the list of demand- a strong man who followed orders like any 'good' American should.

Her mother told her- in many stories as she tucked her in for the night- they'd feared they wouldn't be able to start a family before he'd be taken up by the draft, too many stories came back home of men never returning. Sarah Rogers had wanted a piece of him with her, so they both had a reason to fight, and for an oddly dark reason to fight if he ended up never ringing their doorbell again.

For months after their wedding, they tried to no avail. But genetics didn't matter to the couple, they just wanted someone to call their own, a baby to nourish with their pent up love. Jay's mother always told her the story with a wistful smile, the corners of her eyes crinkling as she pulled the thin blanket up to her daughter's chin with her calloused fingers that Jay'd somehow inherited.

It was with determination that they set aside a day's worth of earning to walk across town in their Sunday best, singing old folk songs to pass the time, dancing hand in hand along the street that aggravated the melancholy bystanders who only prayed for a love like theirs that despite all the grief inflicting upon them managed to pull them out from the rubble. It was their thick Irish accents-accents that Jay and Steve had grown up mimicking- singing unashamedly that enraged the people all the more, but Joseph and Sarah Rogers couldn't care in the slightest.

The orphanage located in the outskirts of Brooklyn appeared as a mirage, too good to be true despite the rusted gates and the cracked windows letting in the humid, salty air from the East River mixing in with the evergreen scent from the surrounding forest. Her mother described the tread up the creaky stairs to the nursery as a mission, her father behind her with a steady, comforting hand as they practically vibrated with excitement.

"It was your little hand, you chose me," her  mother had told her, recounting how as she'd peered over Jay's basinet, her blond locks fell into her tiny fist, tugging the woman down until she'd been forced to pick her up and present her to Joseph with a smile and teary eyes.

Then Steve came along. Just as the draft letter came in the mail, the symptoms of his presence had appeared in the shape of waking up to morning sickness. It was Jay who had been luck enough to sleep in the comforting embrace of her father's arms, because it was only weeks before the miracle baby's birth that his letter of condolences took its residence in their beaten mailbox.

So they grew up, Jay and Steve, in the care of their brilliant mother, and over time Jay found it harder to remember the short embrace she shared with her father, the faint outline of his smile that matched exactly to her baby brother's. She imagined if he'd grown to fill out his clothing, he'd be identical to the photos littering their childhood refrigerator door, held up by old magnets they'd fished out of dumpsters behind their elementary schools.

She remembered meeting up with him by the overgrown garden separating the white and colored schools to whisper in his ear about the supplies being thrown out after hours. Their time spent running through the streets, cheering and singing while Steve drew in the dirt roads leading up to their driveway with stick, innocently staring up at the sky to replicate the art hidden in the clouds. Their mother always returned home hours later when the sun had fallen, finding the house tidied and a makeshift dinner with the remaining groceries.

None of it mattered, the adoption, the stark contrast in appearance. Jay's hazel versus his blue, and her dark curls that she refused to cut while Steve inherited his mother's straight blonde locks, cropped to keep easily tamed while Jay ran wild. The life they'd lived together, it negated the biological differences between the two even it was all that defined the two when they left the safety of their home. What they saw, Jay didn't know, but she knew not a single soul defined them as siblings save for the Barnes family.

Jay was broken out of her thought with the abrupt call of Toby's deep voice, "You guys waited for me? Oh, you shouldn't have." He kissed the top of his wife's head only to be swatted away.

"You took long enough, the baby is starving," she just grabbed his hand, asking him to help her. Jay tried to help Jelena but she was ushered away to her seat before she even got the chance to open her mouth. Steve sat across from her at the square table. The smell reached her before the plates did. Toby set plates down at each seat while Steve and Jay tried not to dig in.

Jelena filled the glasses with water and set the pitcher down at the table.

The food steamed as the couple shuffled to sit. Jelena was on her left and Toby on her right. Before everything picked up their utensils to begin eating, they all joined hands. Eyes fluttering shut, Jay felt the familiar weight of Toby and Jelena's hands resting atop the wooden surface, tightening in search of familiar comfort found within each other, Toby's calloused and big while Jelena's small and smooth. Toby inhaled deeply and shifted in his seat as they all sat in silence. He hung his head, as did they all, "Dear Lord," he paused, taking in a deep breath, "thank you for this day and the blessings you have given us. Please nourish us with the food you have provided. In Jesus name we pray amen."

"Amen," Jelena and Steve repeated after Toby. The following silence told Jay it was her turn. "Bismillahi wa barakatillah." Jay said comfortably, repeating what her kind neighbors had taught her. The three still held onto each other's hands as Jay said her du'a. Toby's thumb comfortingly tapped her hand as they opened their eyes and began dinner. Jay's uneasiness shrunk when she took the first bite of her food. The hot food nearly burned her mouth yet she melted at the familiar taste.

Focusing on the delicious food in front of her, Jay shoveled some rice into her mouth. Blood probably stained her skin under her bandages as she kept eating. Toby wiped his mouth with a napkin he took from the center of the table, "You were out all day, what'd you do?" The question was obviously directed toward Steve since Jay had been downstairs with Bucky all day, shrieking and fighting all the live long day while the gym remained deserted of clients.

Her brother shifted in his seat, a stoic expression as if he hadn't warmed up to Toby yet as he said, "Went to the park, drew a bit." He was exactly as he was when they'd first moved into the apartment, uncomfortable living with strangers.

"You find any nice young ladies to be your model?" Toby joked, shoveling a mixed scoop of rice and stew into his mouth to which Steve shook his head with a shattering grin, his mask finally fell. "Oh? Then a handsome fellow?" Steve chuckled lightly and Toby nudged him with his elbow laughing along with him. Her brother was never one to hold grudges. Small talk between the four ensued for the rest of dinner. Jelena commented on her pillowcase for her daughter, then argued with Steve over the gender.

"I'm telling you I have a feeling I'm going to have a nephew in the next few months." Steve pointed his spoon at her, mouth full as he bet her money. "Put twenty dollars on it."

The pregnant woman cracked up, throwing her head back and slamming her utensils down onto the table, making their glasses of water shake. "Oh yeah? With what money?" She laughed with a hand rubbing her belly soothingly.

Steve furrowed his eyebrows, "Oh I won't be paying you, I'd recommend you change your mind before you're short of a twenty."

"Mothers intuition," Jelena reminded him, scooting her chair back to cross a leg, raising dirty blond eyebrow at him

"To each their own." Steve replied, earning a scoff from her.

—

Taking Bucky's extended hand, Jay stepped down onto the pavement of her street wearing a mulberry dress that swept past her knees. The squared neckline allowed her to show off a gorgeous necklace with a pendant hanging over her sternum, and she tilted her head to catch Bucky's eye with a fond look reflecting onto her. Her hair was pulled back into rolls framing her face while the rest of her curls draped down her back. Bucky toyed with the bracelet decorating her right wrist as he stepped closer to kiss her cheek and whisper, "You look beautiful."

Her heels clanked lightly against the concrete as Bucky guided her to the passenger seat of his car, pulling open the door to help her in with a smile spread wide on his lips that blinded any nearby civilians. With a childlike giddiness, her date rounded the car to join her. Shoving and turning the key in ignition, Bucky pressed on the gas without another second passing by.

Though it was only fifteen minutes, Jay could have spent the rest of the evening in the car, just talking to him. It was as though a new door of topics had opened, flooding the space between them as they reminisced on past memories made together while on the way to make new ones.

Bucky insisted on opening her door, forcing her to stay still in her seat while he rushed around to help her out, "I've been waiting to do this for years." And Jay laughed, stumbling into his arms even if she was used to a heel much taller than the ones she wore, and pressed her head into the crook of his neck.

"So have I." She murmured. She swore she'd hugged him the same way for the time they'd known each other, yet she'd never been so encapsulated by the rich, woody cologne that she could have shot back like whiskey wafting off of him. Inhaling, Jay felt herself being pulled into the diner, greeting the hostess with a wave and mention of the perfect weather visiting Brooklyn in their autumn season.

Their waitress led them to a table on the second floor, giving them a perfect view of the live band that would soon be them. The two sat in a darker, secluded part of the restaurant, yet Jay thought Bucky's smile was lighting up the diner.

Jay's fingers tapped against the table with the band as she told Bucky to order a steak for her. Many times had she been the one up on the stage and not the one fine dining due to her desperate need for cash, and her friends from school had brought her to a rehearsal at their church where Jay'd discovered a hidden talent for performance. She hadn't used it until her mother passed away and suddenly the bills were piling to the mountaintops. Of course, Jay managed to rope Bucky in with a promise of a night filled of fun, and his bottomless heart couldn't say no.

As their sizzling steaks came in from the kitchen, Jay and Bucky couldn't seem to run out of conversation. The band made it harder to hear but their loud voices found each other like always. At one point, Jay raised a hand at the trumpetist and said, "That's you!" Melodies rang across the restaurant and as they ate, they sang to each other, bobbing their heads with each bite.

The live band made Jay swing in her seat. She took a bite of her steak, then wiped her hands with a napkin before smoothly standing up. Hips swaying, she took a sip of her wine and set it back down to walk down the spiral steps with Bucky trailing behind, quickly grabbing a hold of her hand.

A clear dance floor, the opening in front of the stage, she pulled her hand out of his grasp to grin at him, beginning to dance. Jay heard the band pick pace in excitement at the prospect of a dance and the lead singer called out, "We've got a dancer!"

Jay picked up her dress, allowing her knees to move freely. It was easy to get going, her feet picking up. People around her began clapping and as she spun around, she saw Bucky jogging up to her. They both smoothly met each other in the middle, just like they would when they were younger. Everyone screamed when they began to dance. Jay held onto Bucky's hand as they swung.

Jay and Bucky's feet were quick, tapping around like they'd watched the teenagers do, clapping a rhythm, while they watched from the playground. Like the decade of joy, the energy vibrating through the room filled the entire audience with a feeling they hadn't felt in years. They both let go, moving away from each other. Jay and Bucky began to clap a rhythm, both tapping their feet around.

Swiftly, their hands met in the middle and Bucky spun her around. She leaned back, sliding around and moving her hips along to the music, pushing her knees outward. Raising a hand in the air as Bucky centered her, she hollered. Couples joined in with them, bodies close to each other for the rest of the song. Men and women sang their hearts out to each other, smiles on their faces akin to Jay and Bucky.

The trombone and trumpet made their imprint with groovy solos and the drums crashed in the background, all spurring the customers on. Waitresses took photos of the crowd, of the memory, mobbing the stage and with a flash, the music ended with a bang and Jay and Bucky were face to face, body to body and heart to heart.

Bucky glanced down to her lips. Then back up into her eyes as she slide a hand around his thick neck. Her body leaned into his and their faces got impossibly closer. Lips centimeters away, Jay began leaning in. The scar on the bridge his nose brushed hers. Finally...

Jay jolted awake, her heart palpitating underneath her quilt handmade by Jelena as she muffled a groan through her teeth. Disappointment rattled her bones that seemed to shake her entire bed. Of course it was a dream, I ate steak, Jay bitterly thought. God, how stupid was she?

Finally opening her eyes, Jay was comforted by the dark bedroom. Her head faced the wall where her bed was pressed again. Snuggling under her quilt one more time, Jay prepared to stand up as she did need to use the restroom.

Struggling with the blanket, Jay stood up out of her bed. Steve still laid in his bed, unmoving. Good, she didn't need to disturb him with her blind wishes. Was that how Frances' night went? Did she dance with a youthful need to rid herself of the vibrant energy buzzing under her bones? She walked across the room in a daze. Her eyes still hadn't adjusted to the dark so she was blinded.

Apparently, in the blinding darkness, Jay had stumbled to the edge of Steve's bed. She'd wanted to reach for the lamp on their shared nightstand to easily move, but Steve naturally slept light. If she got to the desk, she'd be able to easily cross to their door. So she lightly bent to her right to feel for his twin sized bed, wincing when she accidentally brushed against his ankle that stuck out. Freezing, Jay waited to see if Steve stirred awake, but thankfully the day must have taken it out of him.

She kept trekking on, and then gasped when she kicked over his satchel. The bag had tipped over, spilling the contents in it onto the floor. Forgetting about her original mission, Jay kneeled down on the floor, setting the bag up right. She threw everything back into the bag one at a time. Like Jay suspected, the bag was made up of mostly art supplies until her eyes landed on a file hidden under various worn down pencils . She hadn't even touched it yet, hadn't swept the pencils off of it, nevertheless she knew exactly what it was. Jay's breath caught in her throat, eyes straining to read what was on the cover.

United States Army Enlistee Form. Eyes having finally adjusted to the darkness, Jay read the cover repeatedly with her heart in her throat, finally taking the file into her trepidant fingers as the worst crossed her mind. Every single person in the country knew this file like the back of their hands, in fear the men they loved most would be drafted. It wasthe worst nightmare of all civilians because once the file made its way into a young man's hand, the suicide mission had already been stamped with approval.

Finally, Jay pried it open. According to the file, Steve originated from Queens. She scanned with fear expanding in her chest. Quickly, she noted all of the incorrect information she knew Steve had written with one of the pencils splayed around her knees, which made her want to snap each and every one of them all the more. It was as though God sent a miracle right in front of her eyes because on the right hand side of the file had a VF stamped in bold. Jay let out a shaky sigh of relief, shoving the file into his bag, setting it back up by the foot of his bed.

He's safe, Jay repeated as a mantra, pressing a hand against her heart. Then she peered back at her baby brother who's guilty manner suddenly made sense. That's what he had been doing when he went out. It was why he wore puppy eyes and didn't want to speak about his day. Oh he thought she was stupid, it wasn't like him to lash out. But he'd been hiding something.. She could have smothered him with a pillow in that moment, she itched too.

He'd tried this before. Multiple goddamned times.

As much as she admired his determination, this wasn't the time. What if he'd gotten taken in, would he have even come back home? Before Jay could slap him awake and potentially snap his neck, Jay left the bedroom with a glance to the clock. It was too early in the morning, but trying to go back to sleep seemed useless since she had the jitters.

What else to do? To distract herself? Chores. Climbing up the stairs in her pajamas, Jay flipped the light switch to her right, lights buzzing around and coming to life. The yellowish, warm light blinded her, forcing her eyes shut until she felt herself relax. Slowly, Jay opened her eyes. White dots littered her vision but she walked to the storage closet by the entrance on her left. She opened the door, grabbing the supplies, including a broom and a mop with its bucket.

Jay worked, dusting off the boxing ring, sweeping, mopping, anything and everything to keep their residency within the Owens' Gym. Toby offered on those conditions, a home in exchange for janitorial labor, and Jay took him up on it without a second thought. Sure, in the past four years since graduating university, they had all become a family but Jay didn't forget that she promised them something in return for giving her a home. It wasn't about living there anymore, it was about repaying them for their unimaginable kindness. To let in a random kid, picking her up off of the street? Jay didn't even know if she'd be willing to do that.

Toby had waited in line behind her at the grocery store only months before her graduation. Bucky had been at home, watching after Steve after a particularly hard night, forcing Jay to go to class. So she decided to pick up scarce groceries on the way home to cook them all dinner as a thanks. He watched as she tried to negotiate with the cashier for only thirty two cents off of her purchase, only to take the milk out of the receipt.

Jay had been waiting for Bucky to pick her up off the corner of Wallis Street when Toby found her to give her the milk she had put back. She really didn't want to take it, but he had already bought it and he wasn't taking no for an answer. Only two weeks later, Toby found Jay at the grocery store and asked her to move in. It was unexpected, sudden but perfect timing. Jay had been needing to sell her late mothers o home which she had been struggling to pay for.

Four years later, Jay had a home and stable jobs. Those were things she hadn't had in a long time.

It didn't mean that she was wealthy like Bucky and that they didn't have problems with rent sometimes. It didn't mean they didn't struggle to feed themselves (for most of the time, depended on the war), but they were happy. Kind of. Mostly. Jay didn't want to think about it.

Quickly, she ate tasteless oatmeal before hastily dressing in her uniform, keys between her teeth as she braided her hair while glancing over the gym, finally leaving for the day. Two Dutch braids swung by her thighs as Jay carried her lunch bag in one hand and her keys in the other, the jagged edges between her knuckles out of habit.

From five in the morning to nine at night, Jay would repair and work factory machines. Monday through Friday she worked. Her hands were littered with callouses, her skin would peel away to reveal raw red skin. Jay had only started taking weekends off two years after working at the factory. Even then, she tried to work Sundays while the city remained mostly empty, the believers taking their short break to pray for a sign of hope. Jay visited the mosque, but that was in that late hours of the night, alone after work on Friday nights. She skipped some weeks to perform, finding a dire need to contribute cash to their system to keep them all from starving, but her guilt always had her crawling back to the prayer rugs in the following dawn.

The sun wasn't even close to waking up when she turned the corner to enter her work. Jay forced the key in, jumbling it in the lock for a second before turning it. The door opened with the key and she pushed to enter. She checked her surroundings, pulling the door shut in a stressed motion.

Her boss, Jack, was sitting on the bench by the front door, reading a newspaper from the week before. He was a man with a pale complexion, nearly obsessed with his body figure as he wore shirts too tight for his muscle that he gained in the free time the job of pushing all of his work onto the women running the operation. He had inherited the factory from his father. He was a pain in the ass when he wanted to be, which was nearly all the time.

Huffing, Jay locked the door behind her, "Isn't that last week's paper?"

"Yup." He flipped through the pages, stopping at the sports sections on the back.

"Honestly, I didn't even know you could read." Jay said, clocking in on the roster. She scribbled her signature to verify it was in fact her that was filling it out.

"Yeah, I even fill out the crossword puzzles they have." He shot back. His eyebrows furrowed when he read the last paragraph. "Dodgers lost to the Reds."

"How bad?"

"Seven to one." They both grimaced, shaking their heads.

"Isn't there a new game this week?" Bucky had been going on and on about how it was the Dodgers chance to get back up on their feet. She might bet money against an all too excited James Buchanan Barnes.

"Mhmm, against the Quakers."

"Anyways, here's your checklist, I knew you'd be early." He threw a clipboard at her which she caught with ease. Jay walked over to the employee fridge, throwing her lunch bag on the bottom shelf. She trudged back over to the door. Unlocking the metal door to the factory, Jay pushed against the heavy frame to allow herself inside.

The smell of grease hit her before she even saw the machines. They towered over her, threatening to blow at any second. Today could be her last yet she headed into the factory nonetheless. The heavy door clanked shut behind her, automatically locking. The absolute danger the factory posed to any stranger meant any exit remained locked off. She walked over to the tool station, looking over her list of machines. She groaned when there were two pages full back and front. She grabbed a tool box, pulling it over to her first machine.

A ginormous machine towered over her, she really wondered how a glass bottle factory required such intense technology, but she didn't complain. Well, she did, but then her paycheck shut her up real quick like most. Women walked in, yawning as they greeted each other with, "Good morning," but if it had been a good morning Jay would have been hungover from a night of partying. If only she'd been an adult during the twenties. Jay finished up her fifth machine when Sandra walked in. Sandra whistled at her in a manner only Jay would understand. Her head snapped towards Sandra. A smirk overtook her lips as she climbed down the ladder with finesse, jumping down to join her boss on the ground.

Sandra didn't blush, she never gave away what went on her brain, but there was a look in her eye. Her pretty lips pulled into an intoxicating smile. An unofficial boss, Jack had shoved all of his responsibility onto her, yet she wore the same dirty overalls as everyone else with pride. Sandra pulled off the overalls though, and Jay knew it very well...

"Good morning, been a while since I've seen you here." Sandra teased, knowing they had both seen each other only two days before. Hell, Jay had called her the day before, but she didn't mention the lack of an answer. A bitter feeling forced her to raise an eyebrow.

"Well you must be glad to see me." Jay responded, leaning on the machine behind her. "But I wouldn't know, cause someone's been ignoring their phone." Sandra began walking past her, ignoring her comment, stopping right next to Jay, leaning into her to whisper in her ear, "If I can get you out of work on Wednesday... would you want to spend some time together? To make it up to you."

No hesitation crossed her mind as she responded way too quickly, "Yes ma'am." If Bucky was out having fun, then so could she, and Sandra was hell of a time to spend. After the woman had made it clear this was nothing more than a fling between them, Jay no longer felt guilty taking her up on any occasion to get dirty with her. As if they'd ever be able to step out in public together as anything more. Both of the women didn't think about it.

Then Sandra walked away, swaying her hips to catch Jay's eyes. Then she patted the machine before turning back to her machine. Jay leaned over, putting her hands on her knees. She got face to face with the metal and said real clear, "I'm gonna make you my bitch."

Hours later, Jay was nearly halfway through the back of the front page. She threw down her hammer into the tool box. Sweat trickled down her forehead. She wiped away sweat from her upper lip with her glove. The factory was unbelievably hot, and humid. It didn't help she worked inside the furnace of an engine the factory housed.

Women around grunted, struggling with the stupid machines to spit out the products they promised their partners scattered across the city. Sandra kept calling out orders for everyone. She never had anything to say to Jay since she did her job perfectly, Jay had no room for error, no room for a lack of a paycheck. Most of the time, thankfully her mess ups were during hours no one woke up early enough to see.

Hours later while finishing up the last machine, Jay realized everyone had left. They had left long ago since many had family's to tend to. Jay did as well but this was her way of tending to. Jay threw off her gloves, cleaned up her station. Grease stained everything she touched so she was careful when placing her checklist on the work table by the door. She wrote her name quickly, scribbling a signature onto the blank line on the very right side of the page under all of the other women's signatures.

On her way home, Jay knew she didn't have any money in her bank account let along the lunch bag twisted tightly in her fist but she kept it close to her side. Every alley she walked by earned a glance. She checked behind her every two minutes, switching to the opposite side of the road to escape the dark sides of the street. Goosebumps ran down her spine when she was coming up on another alley. Something didn't feel right. Jay fastened her pace, in a hurry to get home. Just as Jay got a clear view of the alley, a man stepped out. Her gut screamed out to run.

A white man, a bit taller than Toby towered over her even though she was only a few inches shorter. He was skinny but he still thought he could take the chance. He kind of reminded her of Steve, but he didn't have the same kindness in his eyes, then again, she didn't really know Steve if he could easily lie to her like that. She'd deal with that later.

"Hey," he drawled with a drunken Brooklyn accent that she'd worn so many times before, "little lady, where's your husband?" Jay tried to walk away, just ignore the attention seeking man, but her wrist was grabbed subsequently pulling her back into place. Jay spun around, yanking her hand out of his grip.

"Get off me!" She warned with a bite, baring her bottom teeth as she wiped her grease streaked face with her wrist. She stepped back, putting space between their bodies.

"What's your man doing leaving you all alone? Why are you out this late?" He pursed his lips, pressuring Jay to answer with a hungry look that told her he didn't care at all if she had a husband at all.

"He's at home, my husband's waiting for me. I was working." Jay immediately lied, almost spitting the lie at him.

"Seeing as your husband's not here, would you like to come to my apartment?" He so disgustingly asked. Jay visibly cringed, nose scrunching at just the thought of him even near her. He then scoffed, "You ain't even got a ring on your finger, you sure you've got a husband."

"Yes I do, I'm a faithful wife so I'll have to decline your offer, sir." She continued the lie, hoping the formal title would deter him. She was a kind, young woman to his eyes, sweetly returning to her home. Jay, to his knowledge, met the standards of a respectable woman.

He wasn't convinced, raising an eyebrow as she slinked up towards her, sliding a hand up her neck, tilting her head up as if it was some sort of romantic gesture. Jay wanted to throw up right there an then at his touch, unwanted and knowing that in the bright light of day he would never be seen with a woman of her color. But what was the night for if not for 'exotic' adventures. The though burned at her stomach, turning in on itself as she started to think about how to get out of the situation. "What's your husband's name?"

Jay nearly short circuited, wracking her brain for a name and she just blurted, "James!" Then she tried to back away once again, "Hey, I've really got to get back home to him, he's with our sick daughter and I'm getting worried sick over her. I just went out to buy her medicine." She pulled out of his grasp, scurrying away, "I've really got to go."

The unknown man got angry, grabbing her waist and pulling her in to force his lips on her. Jay shrieked against his lips. Striking against his chest, Jay attempted to get away. It took several hits to the side and finally a severe punch to the neck to get his lips off her. She gasped for air, scrambling away from him in a violated rage. He had to get off of her, now.

For a severe moment in coughing from disgust, Jay contemplated murder. Anger turned into rage. Since he got denied twice, he almost started shouting but his eyes caught on her lunch bag. Jay had no money, but she saw the idea forming in his head. Why not? If he couldn't get bodily satisfaction, why not monetary, right? Since she owed him for simply existing.

He wiped his lips, "What's in the bag?"

"Medicine." She panted, "What? You want some penicillin?"

"What's in the bag?" He shouted, voice bouncing off of the high walls of the apartments. Someone had to have heard, but they turned a deaf ear when faced with conflict. The goddamn cowards. Jay flinched, clutching the bag to her stomach, shaking in fear as he lurched forward, "Open the bag! Show it to me!"

He was trying to get money, or suspected drugs out of the failed attempts of giving a woman an STD. "You people always carry something! Give it to me!" He grabbed her by the throat, throwing her against the brick wall, about to corner her. She'd been in this position before, a long time ago during her education. She'd be damned if she didn't fight back this time.

"Okay! Alright! Give me a second! Please?" She knew exactly what to do even if she was holding it off. She opened the bag and before holding it out to show him the 'empty' bag, she shoved her hand inside, grabbing her pistol and pulling it out to shove it between his eyebrows just as she lunged up against her body.

The gun was loaded and she cocked it, making it known to the coward. Violently, Jay thrusted the barrel against his skull, praying the force would bruise him for the days to come. Letting out a gruff growl, Jay grabbed his collar, kicking him in the gut to send him stumbling and back onto his ass in the puddle near by the sewers.

"I have no fucking money, look!" The aggravated woman bent over, her uniform covering the cleavage he so desperately wanted to see, and shoved her bag into his face, "I'll blow your fucking brains out if you don't walk away from this." She knew he didn't live somewhat near her, his accent having been from the southern side of Brooklyn, and his drunk ass had probably been stumbling across roads in hopes of finding some to grope. She let out a frustrated scream, drawing back as if letting him walk free only to strike him across the face with the butt of her gun. He slumped to the ground, but she pulled him up to his feet with a rough tug, watching him sway.

It was the man's turn to be afraid. He whimpered like a puppy, shaking against the barrel of the gun. He nodded, nearly hyperventilating and she pulled the gun off his skin, placing her hands on either sides of his shoulders to shove her knee up where the sun didn't shine. After caving in on himself, moaning and groaning like the world threatened to fall upon his shoulders, he possessed the brain to start running down the street to only God knows where. Jay didn't take her eyes off him, pointing at him with her eyes narrowed, huffing the air stuck inside her lungs.

Snapping her hand up, she shot at the sky to relieve the gun, satisfaction roiling through her body as he shrieked and unloaded the magazine. She threw the weapon into her bag and started running down the street, opposite of the man, before people started getting out of their homes.

She wiped at her lips, cringing to herself. Tears formed, nausea consumed her being. Did that really just happen? Jay could practically still feel him on her. Her legs ached but she kept running, the adrenaline kept her sprinting until the gym came into view. She shuffled through the keys. His entire interaction plagued her, soft sobs wracking her shoulders and throwing the key off of its track into the locks.

Jay stuffed the key into all of the overbearing locks, pushing into the main floor, locking the door right behind her. She panted, lungs seizing from moving like a dog through the illuminated city streets that protected no one from the darkness in the people's hearts. In the stillness of the gym, the fright caught up to her. Her hands shook violently, dropping her lunch bag to the floor. Shock settled in her body, every muscle tense. She couldn't move, frozen in place.

Shaky breaths was all she could hear, chest rattling as she tried to calm her seizing lungs. The man's loud voice continued to replay in her voice as she struggled to move. Her heart pounded but she finally melted. She grabbed her things from the floor, not wanting to be seen from outside. She rechecked the door, then sped away to the kitchen.

When she pushed open the kitchen door, she made her way to the hidden alcohol in the secret drawer built during prohibition. A creak sounded, and she jumped with a shriek, falling back into the cabinet from where she crouched, thinking the man had gotten into her home. Her mind first went to her gun, grabbing it along with the magazine immediately. Loading it, Jay held it out with a fierce stance despite the fear running through her veins. Her finger almost pulled on the trigger until her eyes adjusted to the light. No one was standing there, not even a broom took its place.

With a sigh, Jay muttered, rolling her shoulders, "I'm going insane." She finally grabbed the fine bottle, setting the gun down in the middle of the countertop. She knew she shouldn't, that her imam would scold her to Hell if he smelled the liquor that frequently slid down her throat in a freeing burning river, but the sins committed around her only spurred her to drink them away.

The faith within her brought a relationship with God but not a commitment to the book written by men a millennia before. If no one seemed to maintain human decency, surely Allah would overlook her sins, but Omar in their sacred space would remind her all sins are equal in the eyes of their dear creator.

Biting down on the cork, Jay popped it open with a yank. To Hell with that, but Jay still muttered little prayers, thanking God for letting her survive. Why not celebrate with a shot? Ugh, it as all too complicated, wasn't believing enough? Whatever, the man was still fresh in her mind, "Allahim, cut me some slack." She murmured, shooting the liquor. Her hands still trembled, even with the heavy bottle of vodka in her hand that Jelena didn't know about since she'd missed the shared shots during her pregnancy.

The lights flickered above her, illuminating the dark kitchen she sheltered herself in. Jay's eyes glancing up to the lightbulbs before staring at the door, hearing creaks. Pouring out a little bit of vodka Jay picked up the glass, throwing her head back to down it in one shot just as slammed it down on the counter as she picked up the gun and pointed it at the door, waiting like a maniac. As the man came through the door. Jay didn't even see his familiar face before she unhooked her jaw in a ferocious yell that died out as soon as it started.

"I told you to go away-" Jay held it out to the man's chest, heart pounding out of her chest. The man held his hands up, her eyes trailing up to them before landing on his face. Toby looked terrified and concerned at the sight before him. A tearful Jay with a gun her hand pointed to his chest, alcohol splayed out by the sink. Jay cursed loudly, throwing the gun down on the counter.

Tears spilled, her hands going up to her head, grasping at her hair. Jay paced around, cursing to herself, "I can't take this. God, you scared me Toby!" Toby watched her from across the kitchen, seeing her tears spill down her cheeks as she hit against her head. "I'm losing it! I can't do it anymore!" Jay scolded herself. Turning her back to Toby, Jay rested her forehead against the door frame to the pantry.

Then, Toby spoke, "Why is your gun out on the kitchen island, why are you drinking?" Then he shook his head in surprise, refocusing his priorities, " Better yet, why was your gun pointed towards me?"

Jay didn't know what to tell him. She really couldn't think of anything. Her body worked on high alert, her heart still racing begging for a reason to give out. In her fear, she couldn't stitch together a sentence. "Jay!" He raised his voice only a few notches to get Jay to turn around.

She glanced around nervously, running a hand through her hair, "I'm sorry."

"No. Why do you have your gun out? Why would you even think of pointing it towards me? We have rules! This is just common sense Jay!" He kept his voice low but his face contorted with fury. He looked back at the uncorked, the alcohol swishing in her grip, "Are you drunk?"

His low voice snapped Jay back to reality, "No! No, I'm not drunk!" The disbelieving look he gave Jay hurt her deeper than she let him know.

"I was walking home, and this guy stopped me." The moment the words even left Jay's tongue, the rage on Toby's face melted away, instantly freezing with concern. His brown eyes warmed, soon igniting once again into a blazing rage as he scanned her body that Jay so often did with Steve. When she recounted the story, Toby cursed under his breath, "Are you okay?"

Jay didn't respond, only telling him, "I thought he had gotten into the kitchen when I walked in. That's why the gun was out."

"Did he follow you home?"

Now she was about to sound crazy. "No, he ran the opposite way. Not even near here." Jay sniffled, "This all makes me look insane."

"No it doesn't Jay. You were scared. You just got assaulted." He stepped over towards her, hesitating to hug her. Jay pulled away, not ready. Toby nodded, turning to walk around her. He turned on the stove and reheated a pot that they'd probably put together for dinner without her like always.

He scooped the beans into a bowl, setting it in front of her which she dug into right after he handed her a spoon. Toby was cursing out the man who had come across her path only thirty minutes before, promising her that he would drive her in the morning and night to prevent it.

Jay didn't want him doing that and they spent the next two minutes bickering over whether he should become her personal chauffeur for the next two weeks. He asked her to ask Bucky if he'd take her and she agreed, only to get him off of her ass. Toby did the honors of unloading her gun and placing it back in her lunch bag. He hid the lunch bag in the secret liquor cabinet.

"I don't need Jelena beating my ass because I bought yours a gun." He said as he hid it behind the collection of bottles. Scooping beans into her mouth, Jay stared at the cabinet, analyzing the details etched into the wood. Jelena's father had built the gym that had been built as an 'apartment' during the prohibition era, hence the hidden liquor cabinet. Then her father passed right as she had turned sixteen. She was the first one in line and he loved his first and only daughter very much. So she gained the property when she turned eighteen.

Then she met Toby, fell in love. He moved in soon after since it was the closest they could get to being married. Interracial marriage was illegal, it would probably be so forever. Jay would probably live to see the same fate if she'd gotten so much as lucky to end up with the man who seemed to be oblivious to her feelings.

Heavy steps sounded, and Jay hoped it was Jelena. She didn't want to see Steve. Not after what she had found earlier in the morning that had made her leave in a hurry.

Soon the door pushed open, and Jay gave in to look back at the door. It was not a pregnant woman standing in the doorway, it was a small, skinny man who she had not wanted to see in the slightest. Steve yawned, rubbing his eyes from the bright light. "I wanted to stay up to see you but I fell asleep," he directed towards Jay.

Jay refused to greet him, ignoring what he said. She turned back to her bowl of beans to continue eating. Her adopted brother walked around the island, going to the refrigerator. Opening it, he looked for the milk, "Hello? I missed you?"

"Then you would have definitely missed me in the army." Blatantly responding, Jay ate another bite. He faltered for a second, then grabbed the carton of milk. Toby handed him a glass for his milk with a raised eyebrow, obviously curious. Jay watched him pour himself a glass of milk out of the corner of her eye.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Steve responded, voice small, and she saw his defense raise in his stance.

"I found your file." Jay bit her spoon, tired of the games. It was silent for a matter of seconds and when Steve had finally registered what she had said, his eyes widened.

He tried to change the topic, "Why were you looking through my things?"

"I wasn't, I was trying to go to the bathroom and tripped over your bag! You told me you were going to the library!" Jay exclaimed, giving him a glare for even accusing her of poking around his things.

"I did!"

"Was that before or after you went to enlist?" Jay snarked at him.

"After!" He surprisingly responded with guts Jay had thought were subsiding. Apparently not.

"I've already told you before, stop trying. It's a blessing that you haven't gotten taken in!"

"What, so I'm supposed to ignore my duty and let everyone else take the fall for me?" He asked his sister, visibly frustrated yet she couldn't bring herself to care. When would he learn? She prayed the day would come soon enough. He was all she had left, he didn't even realize it. Everything she did, put up with, was for him.

"Yes!" Jay said with Toby chiming in.

Steve gave Toby a hurt look but the man just shrugged. "She's right, Stevie."

"That's not fair! Why do you risk your life everyday and I don't? I'm not going to be a little red wagon boy collecting scrap metal!" Steve complained.

And Jay was fuming after Steve's little fit. Her heart took over her actions and she had only enough restraint to keep her voice low out of concern for Jelena who rested just downstairs, "Out of the two of us, who do you think is in better condition to fight a fucking Nazi?" Her tone dripped venom, and due to the circumstances of that night, it wasn't unwarranted.

Steve stared, taken aback by her harsh words. Jay never made him feel like he was incapable or too sick to do good things. This was the first time he had ever heard his sister speak like that, so he had no response. Something in his eyes set, matching her intensity. If only he possessed the ability to see what else ate at her, if he could smell her drunken breath. Jay had lost her appetite, brutally shoving the bowl to Steve, spoon clattering against the ceramic, "Here's something you can do."

Not another glance was given to her brother as she abruptly stood from the stool, turning on her heel to leave the kitchen. Steve and Toby could still hear her stomps down the stairs. The two men were stunned into silence. Steve glanced down at the half empty bowl of beans, mentally cursing himself. He should have hidden it better, so his sister wouldn't walk upon his secrets.

Angrily, he emptied the cold beans back into the Tupperware, nearly throwing it into the fridge. Toby let Steve wash the bowl as Jay wished.

Toby left with only a nod, "You are insanely lucky."

All of this had been happening while Jay hastily got ready for bed. She was in the shower when she heard the stairs creak. The older sister continued with washing the grease off her skin, ignorant of any sounds, mind on the way the stranger grabbed her. No, he was an assailant, an attacker. But the police would never imagine him to be that, no she'd be seen as the criminal instead. As always, crimes went unreported because everyone heard of the robbery that'd threatened Toby's business only a year before, breaking in and stealing whatever money he'd earned while vandalizing the ring, the only things that kept their business afloat. The robbers had even slashed the punching bags scattered through the space.

When the police inspected the scene, they stated there was nothing to be done about the situation. Jay had to be held back when they insinuated one of her friends having done it, or Toby staging it for the insurance.

Not once had the authorities done anything about the crimes committed, so Jay knew she had to carry the weight of it inside herself. So she didn't care to get dirty when handling the confidence of criminals wrongly mistaken to be honorable members of society. She neared huffed a laugh at the realization that any bystanders would have believed she was assaulting him. She scrubbed her skin raw for what seemed forever until the black streaks of oil washed off.

Jay remained furious even when she was dressing in the vapor filled bathroom. She brushed her hair violently, untangling any knot. Jay tried to be gentle when massaging in her creams. Brushing her teeth, Jay fastened the pace to go to sleep without seeing Steve. Spitting out paste, Jay washed her brush and mouth, trying to get the man's taste out of her mouth. Then with an unnaturally strong mouthwash, Jay swished around the clear alcoholic liquid in her mouth.

Jay was angry at Steve, the man, and everything in the world. She could just scream, but Jelena would wake up and the woman didn't deserve that. None of them deserved this. To live in fear. She couldn't even walk home. The amount of times she'd had to call Bucky or Toby for a ride out of pure necessity. The lessons Toby gave her to protect herself until he gave in, purchasing the weapon for her.

Jay shut off the lights, exiting the bathroom and entering her bedroom. The room now dark, Steve must have went straight to bed, it didn't deter Jay. She blindly walked to her bed, hoping she didn't find any forms. Easily, she found her bed, yanking the covers back to plop down on the mattress. Snuggling under the blanket, she turned on her side, facing the wall once again. Closing her eyes, Jay relaxed and soon she heard Steve hesitantly enter the room.

He did the same as her, getting comfortable. Just as she heard him find his position, turning in for the night, Jay finally told him, "Shut the door."

Chapter Text

For the next few days, Jay and Steve spoke minimally out of spite. Occasionally did they interact. For instance, when Jay asked where Steve had placed the hairbrush, or where he would go when she was at work, even if she didn't believe him anymore. Trust could only be tested so many times.  Steve had tried to enlist before, lying on his forms after he was rejected the first time. She was not going to give in to the idea suggesting she were the bad guy for protecting her brother, never, not when the neighbors continued to pray for a letter from their soldiers.

Since Toby had stuck to his word to drive her to work, Jay slept in, primarily to adhere to a simpler schedule for the man. She couldn't complain about arriving after her coworkers, nor could she whine when the sun warmed her skin on the way there.

He reminded her what to do if someone came up to her repeatedly, as if her own mother hadn't done that every day of her life, as if she hadn't handled herself properly. But she let the soon-to-be father practice before his anticipated daughter came into the scary world. To her, Toby and Jelena were just meant to be parents, they seemed to ace all of the tests that Jay could think of. He forced her to wait inside the lobby while waiting on him to pick her up.

Only once did Toby not pick her up, and that was when she got out of work early to spend the night with Sandra. She happily joined the woman for dinner in her apartment as a 'friend'.

Before Toby started to nag her about Bucky, she used the phone booth during her lunch break. She'd brought some coins with her, reaching into her pocket to jingle in her palm. Couples, richer than all of the laborers spending their allotted thirty minutes to scarf down leftovers, walked down the sidewalk, umbrellas in their hands to block the sun. Some eyed her as she passed by, glancing down to her dirty overalls as the husbands branded themselves with freshly pressed slacks and their trophy wives hanging off of their arms in a stuffy dress. She prayed God kept her poor if that was the other side of it.

The sun burned her hair and she squinted, waiting for the road to clear. Tired girls sat under the shade, the children using their lunch break to sneak in some sleep. The depression had ended, but it seemed the work days didn't. The war only made people wish they slumped further into Death Valley because poverty still hung over their heads, but this time it demanded a price.

It meant Jay still had to work sixteen hour days in a place that would kill her someday. So Jay tipped her hat to tired old ladies and young little girls sipping carefully at their water while she passed by, noting their stress etched into their faces. Luck didn't keep the phone booth open, a lack of change did. Jay easily snatched it up, shoving the door open and stepping inside. It was laughable that she feared the surrounding women believed she boasted with the penny she placed in the slot.

The hot humid air of the phone booth hit Jay, her curls falling out of her ponytail, frizzing slightly. Sweat beaded on her top lip as she waited for a ding. Jay dialed the Barnes' home phone by memory, the phone ringing for a couple of seconds.

Jay nearly wilted when George Barnes picked up the phone.

A gruff voice came out of the phone she held to her ear, "Hello?"

"Bună ziua, uncheaş," she'd learned it from Becca when first visiting their home, to get her grumpy father on her side, "It's Jayna." Jay knew he liked to call her by her full name, even if it was his own son who had given her the nickname within seconds of meeting her. But Jay could allow it so long as George continued to like or tolerate her, she didn't really know which. [Hello, uncle.]

"Oh Jayna," he lightened, his thick accent lightening, "what're you calling for? Did James do something?" He sounded like he smiled on the other end, and Jay nearly danced from the win, "Is he in trouble, I can help with the punishment."

"No, he's not in trouble, I just need to ask James something" Jay had made the mistake of calling his son by his nickname while in the living room all together, and George went into a rant about the stupid nickname which everyone called him. To him, it was disrespectful to call yourself other than what your parents named you, but he had nothing to say when Winifred called their son Bucky, he had a soft spot for her - no one else though. "I guess he's not there."

"No, I think I saw him around here somewhere. He said something about being dismissed for a couple of days." Jay heard shuffling from the other side. The man lightly cursed and called out in Romanian. She strained to listen, understanding to a certain extent. Jay shifted her weight onto her left leg and she tapped the handle of the phone patiently. Lifting her thick ponytail, Jay fanned herself as her ear held the phone against her shoulder.

Then Jay heard a loud, "Rebecca!" She shoved in another penny as the seconds accumulated. Soon George started loudly, "Do you know where James is?"

"He's outside with his friends... playing ball I think." One of Bucky's little sisters, Rebecca, responded with her cheerful voice. "Why?"

George ignored her, instead speaking to Jay, "Just give me a second."

"Of course," Jay responded, glancing out to the road.

A faint shriek was heard followed by, "Is that Jay? I wanna speak to her!"

"Can you go get your brother? You can talk to Jayna later." George told his daughter, "And her name is Jayna!" Then he muttered, "Disrespectful girl, I apologize, Jayna." 

Jay huffed a laugh, "It's quite alright, sir." On the other side of the phone, Becca Barnes was walking through the significantly large Barnes house to the backyard. She pushed open the framed glass that they called a door to see her brother running through their large field, looking up to the sky with his hands held out.

Her big brother leaped at the last second, grabbing at the small ball which had been flying through the air only to barrel back down into the dirt. The air slightly knocked out of him, he lay for a few seconds before sitting up and cheering with his friends who had watched the scene along with Becca. Becca stood in the doorway and she continued to stay quiet when Bucky's friends pulled him up.

"I could be talking to Jay right now but no, I gotta get this dumb hunk of meat." She grumbled, then smirking because she knew Bucky would drop everything at the chance to speak to Jay. He always did.

So she cleared her throat and stared straight at her big brother who was only six years older, ignoring the glances his friends threw at her. Latching her hands in front of her, she rocked slightly. She called across the lawn, "Bucky!" The cheers quieted when they heard her loud voice, Becca was not intimidated, "Jay's on the phone, she wants you."

Bucky's smile dropped for a second like he hadn't been expecting it. Then the smile came back, even wider than the one before. His friends had the same thought in their mind as Becca. "Jay wants you." His friend teased.

"Better go get your damsel." Another said and Bucky threw him a vulgar gesture without even looking in his direction, jogging to join Becca inside.

Becca stepped out of the doorway to allow her brother to step in. His overly wide frame from training at the base nearly took up the entire width of the frame while Becca only took up half of it. She'd typically complain, that he was spending the entire day running outside with his friends, acting a fool, but she'd missed just having him at home. He'd been at that army base hidden in the forest, training for the day that he'd ship out, and if she had to beg her parents to let her relax with a friend from university while Bucky easily got off the hook to play ball, she'd keep her mouth shut.

His dirt-streaked skin glistened with sweat, stinking up the entire house, but she managed to slip away before his grassy stench managed to permeate her dress. She didn't exactly follow him, but she did lurk. She walked through the kitchen instead, and made her way to the stairs just by the telephone. Becca scaled up the stairs, one hand on the wooden railing, since her own friend waited in her bedroom but when she got to the top, she didn't quite trail back to her room. She hid and watched around the corner

Bucky had walked through the living room, directly to the home phone. It sat on a small side table with the phone sitting on the wood. Giddy, Bucky picked up the phone. Jay heard the second the phone was picked up, and she perked up from where she leaned against the glass, reminding her to slide in another coin. "Hello?" Bucky's voice said into the phone.

"Hey Bucky," she drawled, glad to hear his smooth voice. She glanced down to her feet, hiding her blush from someone she didn't even know. Jay subconsciously fixed her hair, switching it over to her shoulder to drag her fingers through the messy curls.

"You called for me? What's up, you never call our phone?" Bucky asked, even if he didn't care for why she called because he'd stay on the phone for as long as she wanted. She knew that, unfortunately, she had a job, and a limited amount of change to sacrifice. 

She hated this, asking him for favors. Charity always made her queasy, always made her feel as though she couldn't escape the debt no matter how hard she worked. And she knew Bucky would say yes, he'd never turn her down and it made it all the worse. Jay huffed, slapping a hand on her forehead, "Uh, Toby is making me ask but would you be fine giving me a ride to work and back home for a little bit?"

"Oh yeah, no problem." His voice thickened with emotion she couldn't pinpoint, "Do you need a ride today?"

Jay shook her head, "No, no. Toby's still driving me, won't need you till tomorrow. You got camp right?" Jay tried to bring up the topic without Bucky prodding, it was already bad enough with Toby knowing. Goosebumps erupted under her uniform's sleeves, making her shiver despite the sweat dripping down her neck. She grimaced at the idea of explaining anything to do with the man. Oh she'd just die of embarrassment if Bucky found out about using him as her husband. She didn't have to tell him. For God's sake, it was for survival.

"Why's Toby driving you to work? Don't you hate it?" Bucky seemed to ask the exact question she would have done anything to avoid. It wasn't as if he hadn't dealt with the same thing just a few years before, but Jay had never imagined she'd have to relive it all again. Now, Jay prepared for a protective Bucky, one that had gotten in multiple fights for her and plenty of other women on the streets, but she never could fully prepare because he seemed to get more and more intense with each occurrence.

He grabbed Jay by the wrist, yanking her back behind him just as she had raised her hand to backhand the man getting too frisky for the ten minutes they'd known each other, instead raising his own large fist to snap across his jaw. The man stumbled back into another man's arms, but Bucky didn't let him claim refuge, pulling him back up by his neck. The guy's face turned an ugly shade of purple from Bucky's strong grip holding him only a soldier would, targeting all of his pressure points.

He tried to call for someone, anyone, to call the police for assault and Jay had to stifle a laugh at the sight of a man being faced with an opponent he couldn't overpower.

"Yeah, you go call the cops," Bucky gritted, squeezing his throat as a threat, leaning into his space, "and I'll tell them all about how you've been feeling my friend up, hell, I'll get everyone in this damn bar to testify, and believe me I can. I've got the charm you think you've got." He shoved the man back, letting go and watching him fall onto his back, groaning and moaning.

Quickly, Bucky turned to see the bartender stepping up into his face to which he raised his hands in surrender, "I'm leaving Tommy, don't worry." He slid past the crowd, taking a random glass out of a strangers grasp to shoot it down as Jay waited by the door, "I better not see that asshole around here again, otherwise you've lost a loyal customer!" When you brought in more than a tsunami of customers to an establishment, Bucky found the power easily transferred.

She'd witnessed him lose it, and while she'd also lost it quite a few times, Jay didn't know how to put it. She couldn't piece it together because it was easier when there was a gun on the table and a bottle of liquor beside it. After all, she had to explain to ensure she wasn't drunk. Had she told Bucky she owned a weapon? She couldn't remember. "I had a little... incident."

"What kind of incident?" Bucky inquired, eyebrows furrowing in concern as to what he was about to learn.

"A man stopped me," Jay sighed, "Shook me and Toby up, that's all."

"When did this happen?" Bucky bit out, running a hand through his hair, pulling the phone back to huff a nasty insult, knowing she held back the real story.

"A few days ago." Jay shrugged even if Bucky wouldn't see it, trying to convince herself she didn't care in the slightest, that it hadn't kept her up at night. Bucky's fury nearly reached her through the phone. She tensed, wary of her best friend's reaction.

"Jay," he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "I saw you just a few days ago, and all of a sudden I'm just hearing about this, y'know you can trust me-"

"Okay so we're set." Jay cut him off, she didn't like where the conversation was heading, "Tell Becca I didn't forget about her. Time's running out." She started to hang up, moving to slam the phone on the booth, but she heard Bucky's frustrated sigh.

"Yeah, I will." He shook his head, and his disappointment- well Jay just couldn't miss it with how it disfigured his voice, "Have fun at work."

Jay hesitated, bringing the phone up to her mouth. She sucked in a breath to stabilize herself, "I will."

Then with a hurried motion, Jay quickly hung up, the clang of the metal being the last thing Bucky heard as she shuffled out of the booth back to her work. Suddenly, her appetite had evaporated, replaced with a need to get knee deep into an engine.

Jay'd been walking back into the lobby when Sandra called out from the curb, sandwich in hand, "Rogers! Get that hair up into a bun before I cut you for the rest of the day!" Her only answer came in the form of fixing her hair while pulling the door open with her foot and a wave of laughter from the rest of the workforce.

On the other end of the line, Bucky cursed, shoving the home phone back down onto its throne, shaking his head. He placed his hands on his hips as he turned in the salon, calling out to his sister just up the stairs, "Jay says hello."

Becca spluttered, standing up from behind the banister with a guilty expression, "How'd you know I was here?"

"Believe it or not, I'm not stupid. Plus I taught you all of your little tricks," Bucky said as he walked through the kitchen to grab a tray and a pitcher of water, "Go on, go gossip to your little friend since that's all we are to you." He spoke with barely controlled, pent up anger, she knew that. Whatever had gone down between the friends, it had gotten to him. Out of nowhere, his laidback character morphed into what she imagined was the soldier that he rarely brought out around their large family.

She imagined Jay'd calmed him down from this stated each time he'd come back home from a particularly hard day, and she wished that she knew the secret to soothing his tense shoulders - she suspected the key was to be the woman he adored like no other.

He grabbed a set of glasses and set them on the tray along with the pitcher of water to quench his friends' thirst in the bright sun, unaware of just how violently he placed them down, and then he heard his sister's voice retreating back to her room. "I'm not going to tell my friend anything."

"Thanks, " Bucky replied dryly, as if she was doing him a service. He scoffed at her self righteousness.

Becca then walked back to the top of the stairs and peered down at her brother in the kitchen, "Even if I did, she wouldn't be the first one to know that you love her...I just don't know why she has to be the last to know." Bucky froze inches before taking the tray into his hands, and Becca sighed, turning around and returning to her bedroom. He heard her door close from upstairs, shaking his head before taking the tray outside to his friends with a fake smile plastered on his tanned face.

—

Bucky, attuned to Jay's schedule, showed up before dawn with breakfast sitting in the passenger seat as if the tension had dissipated overnight. Jay narrowed her eyes as he unlocked the door for her, eyeing the sack of breakfast sandwiches and cool bottles of milk which he frantically moved over to the center console while she got comfortable, "You make these? Or your mom?" She raised an eyebrow.

"I did, obviously," Bucky huffed with a sloppy smile, reaching into the bag to hand her a sandwich, "I knew you would 'forget' to eat breakfast." Jay feigned offense, and he shook his head, "I swear, sometimes you act like you're still dirt poor, you can eat breakfast without breaking the bank, Jay."

Jay rolled her eyes, biting in the cheesy bread, moaning at the taste of grilled sausage, "Thank you, Buck." She leaned over the console, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, her hand resting around his collarbone in a makeshift hug that he leaned into. His hair brushed her exposed neck around her undershirt, ruffling her denim collar. "Made my favorite."

Bucky mumbled a 'you're welcome,' before turning the key in the ignition, her free hand moving the food down to the floor by her feet. He pushed his foot on the gas pedal and the wheels started turning. They felt the car move and Jay leaned back into her seat. Soon they had left her home's street behind and started their way to the factory.

Flickering lamp posts lined the street and from what Jay could see from out of her window, people were waking up to get their work started. She crossed her legs in her space and Bucky spread his own. Instead of watching her surroundings, Jay analyzed her best friend beside her, deep in thought. One hand fell into his lap while the other gripped the steering wheel. Jay hadn't noticed his clothes, and with every glance she noticed something new. He was wearing a plain shirt, but by his heart she could see his father's company's name. Industrial George.

"You checkin' me out, Rogers?" Bucky asked, a smirk prominent on his face. His eyes didn't falter from the road.

"I thought you said you had training today," Jay replied, ignoring how his frame first under the fabric. The corners of Bucky's lips fell for a second at the mention of working for his dad, then quirked back up almost instantly.

"Didn't say that," he told her, "You hung up on me before I could tell you what I'm doing today."

"No I didn't," Jay argued, "I asked you about it way before I hung up."

"So you admit that you hung up on me." Bucky tilted his head towards her, smirking as he glanced back out to the road, "And why did you hang up on me?"

"Simple, the time was going to run out. I thought you would rather be caught dead than work for your dad."

"I would rather be caught dead than work for him," Bucky agreed full heartedly, "But I ran out of shirts and it was the only clean one." His tone was joking, and his eyes only broke away from the road to watch Jay laugh at the comment. Her eyes crinkled and a smile stretched her lips. It wasn't just a glance, he fully turned his head to catch the moment of cheer Jay was experiencing.

"You were still checking me out though, you just wanna hide it." Bucky added on, making Jay snort, throwing her head back into her cushioned seat, she said through a smile, "Think what you wanna." Bucky smiled, slightly shaking his head and looking back to the road.

Finally, he explained, "I'm heading down to my dad's work today." Jay looked at Bucky, eyebrows furrowed. "He says that while I'm not training, while I'm on break, I should be practicing at his work since one day I'll take over."  Bucky absolutely loathed the idea of working for his father, and it wasn't about the work. He was perfect for the job and he enjoyed mechanics, Jay'd taught him all of the basics and details that she'd learned through the years of earning her engineering degree that hung around her neck on a chain. Unfortunately, she couldn't risk losing a finger for the decorum of wearing the symbolic ring.

Bucky'd aced all of his classes no matter the subject, it wasn't the work. No one liked to work, and if it was up to her, she'd be lounging by a pool with a dirty martini in hand, but it was his father. Spending a day under George Barnes' scrutinizing eye unfortunately didn't present itself as appetizing. Ever since he had been born, Jay had heard about all of it in their late hangouts at the bar or under the covers of her twins-sized bed while Steve rehearsed at his barbershop, the pressures of taking over the family business were placed on him.

His parents immigrated from Romania only a month before he had been born. His father's only view in life was to be successful, and for his children to be successful. While that may have had good intentions behind it, it absolutely damaged Bucky. Since kindergarten, he had to have perfect marks. He would get home and start studying immediately. George would sit with him in his office, making him practice his English and Romanian, make him solve algebraic problems in his head by the age of nine.

Jay had watched him over the past two decades, watched him push himself for hours on end just to make his dad satisfied. He never was. So the thought of being under his dad's watch all day was hell. He didn't want his strict father criticizing everything he did. It was part of the reason he went into training long before any threats of a war even existed, just so he'd have an excuse to get away from his dad.

Jay pursed her lips, thinking of a response. She thought of the man, his harsh stance that she knew grew harsher behind closed doors. "Just let your dad indulge for a little while. If you go along with it just for today, he'll let it go."

"I know. It's just he keeps thinking I wanna take over and that I'm going to." Bucky sighed, "My mom even told him that I had different plans and he still won't listen."

Jay lifted her arm, placing her hand on his shoulder and lightly squeezing it, "One day he'll understand." Then she pursed her lips, "Here's an idea," Jay started, "You inherit the company, and when you're in charge, you can make Becca in charge. Your dad can't say anything then."

Bucky grinned, he hadn't thought of that. He turned the steering wheel to turn onto another street. "So what are these plans of yours? I've never heard about them."

"You'll see one day," he told her, somehow ending the conversation without uttering a word.

It was when Jay felt the car slow, she knew she was at work. Bucky stopped by the sidewalk, in front of the lit lobby of the factory. She looked out of the window, reading the sign up top and looked back at Bucky, "Thank you."

"You know I'd do this anytime."  Jay's hand fell to her side but his moved over to her. He hesitated, hand pulling back before his entire body moved, enveloping Jay in a hug. It surprised Jay yet she quickly recovered, wrapping her arms around him. His cologne was thick just like it had been in her dream, but she couldn't care while she was in his embrace.

By the time she'd locked the lobby door behind her, Bucky had sped off, leaving her to her own devices. Without fail, Jack sat in the same chair, head buried in a newspaper. She stopped by his feet, reading the front title and then her heart dropped to her feet. "What is that?" Her boss barely had a moment to meet her eyes in confusion as she found  herself gulping in a large breath, forcing her hand to clench around the sack of food she carried in, "Is that old?"

"What?" Jack then looked down to the paper spread between his hands, "No this is from yesterday." Abruptly Jay snatched the newspaper, eyes wide as she folded it to get a better view of the headline. Crinkling under her heavy grip, the paper proved itself to be real, not a lie. She wasn't hallucinating as Jack helped her sit in the chair beside him.

"Is it real?" Jay shakily asked, voice thick with fear, "Please tell me that's not real."

Even as much as she despised Jack, how much she envied him for his life and easy going way of life because of the sheer lack of responsibility, Jay found herself leaning into the hand that patted her back in comforting beats, as he broke the news to her. In that moment, she knew that families sat at the table, eating in terrifying silence as they prepared to take on the day like nothing threatened them. Thirty thousand men, a new draft issued to take in thirty thousand men just from the state of New York.

This couldn't be real. How many more did they want? Was the war worth it? Jay fought to return the paper to Jack's ownership, the edges already slick from her sweat, on the brink of tearing under her grasp. A shaky breath escaped Jack, and Jay could feel the fear radiating off of him. Jay couldn't say anything, there was nothing to say. How could she comfort him? Even if they were just coworkers.

Jay left Jack to his own devices, unlocking the factory door to enter her work space. She turned on the lights, and the bulbs snapped to life before looking at the table with the work assigned. Women arrived at work one after another, greeting Jay with cheery comments yet their faces were dug in with shadows. Sandra came in too, her mood damp. It grew apparent to Jay that everyone had seen the news, how could they be happy? Consistently, the day after an issue, the city lived in despair, and more often than not they sought entertainment to take their minds off of it. The children filled the street, kicking around a ball with a glum glint in their eyes, their parents indulging in a drink while young adults sought a dance floor.

By the time her shift ended, she knew she'd be skipping her evening visit to the mosque. It seemed Bucky lived on the same wavelength as her.

—

Walking up to the front door of the Barnes residence, Bucky had already pushed the door open, alerting the pack of girls squealing on the second floor of their big brother's return. Jay tiredly paced behind him, stumbling to the door as she noted a beautiful, freshly potted rose bush by the old wooden rocking chair on the patio. She'd greeted Winifred multiple times, smiling as she came across the woman with a cigarette between her lips, gladly taking her up on the offer to take a puff before heading inside to find her brother sketching on Bucky's bed with their best friend nowhere to be found.

They'd found a second home with Bucky and his family, so Jay widely smiled despite her tired eyes, and stretched her arms to welcome the young sisters who sprinted down the stairs. The youngest, Willow, crashed into her leg, wrapping her arms around Jay's thigh first as the twins made their way past their big brother to attack Jay's middle. She stumbled, holding onto the door frame just as Becca came in, walking over to Jay's side to give her a side hug before prying her sisters off of her.

Rebecca's attempts of calming her sisters down didn't work, and it took Jay saying with her arms crossed over her chest, hip jutted out, "What would your dad say if you got your clothes dirty with grease?" Every child started dusting off their clothes, checking for spots of black grease at the mention of their strict father, and Bucky gave her a look that said, Really? Jay only brushed him off.

Bucky took the opportunity to act offended. "Hey, I still exist here!" He waved his hands at his sisters.

"We see you every day!" Willow babbled, clapping her hands together and looking up at her brother. Jay could tell by the look in her eyes that Willow adored Bucky. Bucky let out a "pshh," waving her comment off and bending over to sweep the toddler off her feet. Willow giggled, wrapping her arm around his neck. "I missed you."

"I went to work with Tată." He told her, kissing her cheek, letting her fist close around his thumb as Jay played with the twins, shutting the door behind her to slip her shoes off. Then she let out the cutest, "Ohhh," and Jay swore she could have melted there and then.

"Girls," Jay collected their attention, "Do you want to help me pick out my dress?" And Bucky's eyes widened at the mess that was about to ensue as all of the girls cheered, following her up the stairs to get to Bucky's room at the end of the hall. From the silence plaguing the rest of the house, Jay could guess their parents ran errands out in the city to get away from their daughters, probably because they couldn't face them with the possibility of their brother and father being taken from them. So Jay distracted them by setting them up on the floor by the bed, "I need to shower, so go in Buck's closet and pick me out some clothes."

She turned to Becca, "You pick out my dress, alright?"

The eldest daughter saluted her as she finally shut the door to Bucky's bathroom, quickly stripping and stepping under the hot water, relaxing instantly. With the limited time, she knew Bucky showered in his parents' bathroom, because they both stepped out in towels, ushering the girls out of the room, Bucky's hand on his hips and Jay's by her chest.

Jay internal alarm started blaring as she realized the girls were watching her as Bucky hurriedly scolded them, waiting for her reaction. The toned muscles of Bucky's torso deepened as he hunched over to push his sisters out by the shoulder, water dripping through the caverns formed by his abs. She faltered for a second, the air escaping her in a strangled sigh. She knew the basic training had developed him, god she'd seen him transform right before her eyes, but the lines just above his hips that stretched deeper down... Jay shook her head, supporting Bucky's demands, swallowing the desperation that rose in her chest, "Head on downstairs girls."

Bucky stared at her, roaming over her covered body with a weird look in his eyes. When she met his eyes, he coughed, escaping to his closet. Her hair, wrapped up in a braided bun, remained dry as they both turned to face opposite sides of the room, quickly dressing in their performance clothes. She heard his towel drop to the floor, felt the vibrations in her feet. The urge to turn around, maybe catch a glimpse of more. No, stop it. What the hell was wrong with her?

She'd been here before, they'd changed around each other, this wasn't new in the slightest. Why was she acting like a dog in heat? Jay pinched her thigh to keep herself focused as she pulled on fresh underwear that Bucky had gotten in trouble a few too many times for when his flings searched through his closet for a coverup. Hey, it was out of necessity, they simply didn't have time to stop by the gym, what other option did they have other than Bucky clear out a drawer just for her?

If Jay relished the idea of scaring away his girlfriends, that was only for her to know.

Jay stumbled, clasping her bra before yanking the ashy blue dress Becca had set out by the full length mirror. She heard Bucky buckling his belt just as she'd slipped the fabric over her figure, so she turned around, tapping his shoulder to help her with the zipper of her dress.

"Nice color," Bucky said, his delicate fingers trailing up her spine to pull the metal, and she laughed. "Becca picked it out."

His damp hair fell into his face, framing the same blue in his eyes that always made the girl sway. Jay turned, moving to the mirror to watch him behind her, undoing her braids to free the defined curls. With professional fingers, she rolled back her framing pieces, pinning them in the typical fashion of their decade. "How fun do you think it would be to be a flapper?" She asked Bucky while applying her show makeup, dabbing on rouge without missing a step.

"How would I know?" Bucky answered, gelling his hair with the same damned can of gel. He had a stash everywhere it seemed.

"You still haven't come in for your appointment, so I can do your makeup." Jay told him, "The Rogers Salon misses you, Steve can give you a mani-pedi while I do your makeup, doll you up real nice." Swiping on mascara, Jay leaned into the mirror, checking her foundation blended in with her blush before she finally stepped into her sleek black heels. "I think we're gonna get there on time."

"If we can get the girls some food, yeah," Bucky said, slipping on his shoes. He fixed his watch as he took his case and pushed through the doors to shuffle down the stars. "I'll feed them. Take your time, gorgeous."

Jay cackled, throwing her head back and flicking her hand the way so many ladies did on the street when Bucky greeted them with his sweet charm, "Aw shucks, Buck. You too!" In the time he made his way downstairs to prepare the girls a final snack, Jay shuffled through his desk to find her pair of earrings, hooking them through her piercing. Checking herself in the mirror, she brushed her curls over her shoulder, the fabric hugging her curves in every way she wanted them to. Oh if only Sandra could see her now.

Joining Becca by the stairs, she presented herself with a pose to which Becca applauded her, whistling through the house as they hopped down to the main floor. Joining them all in the kitchen, the two women were met with Bucky standing in front of Willow who was perched on the counter, legs swinging like a toddler would. His hand sat on his hips to keep her from kicking herself over the edge and he looked at Becca, "Where's Mama?"

"She's with Tătă." He fed her hands a bowl of apples sliced into cubes. Jay took it upon herself to set the table up with the fruits Bucky had prepared, as he filled a plastic cup of milk for Willow, setting the girl down with a grunt, "You're getting bigger, girl, do I need to go to the gym?" Willow shrieked with naive joy, taking her seat by the twins. Bucky planted a kiss on each of their heads; even Becca who rolled her eyes, yet allowed it.

As though they were parents, they hastily shuffled out the door, Bucky reminding his sisters to complete their reading before their parents returned home, then they were off. "Can I drive?" Without a second passing, Bucky tossed her the keys as he threw his equipment into the backseat, taking his spot in the passenger seat. Getting to one of the few colored bars proved easy, sure, with her sticking her head out of the window and shouting at a particularly stupid taxi to pass, then staring at him as she fully braked and pushed the car into park as she waited. With a honk, he sped off and Jay could pull up by the pavement, ensuring Bucky she remained a master at parallel parking, "Hey no, that curb wasn't there before! Come on man. I've got this, you're distracting me."

She parked perfectly, but Bucky maintained the drama queen act, pressing a hand against his chest, "Kill me if I ever let you drive again."

The night started to settle around them as Jay left Bucky to his own defense, walking in to check in with the manager backstage when she heard someone shout out, "Damn! I didn't order this tall glass of sexy!" A smile instantly filled out Jay's face despite how melancholy her insides felt, ribs aching to laugh instead of wallow in the shallow air she'd been breathing since coming across the dreadful news. Ruth revealed herself, stepping out of the shadows, arms stretched out to admire her friend signing a contract to hand back over to the manager.

The crew worked on the set, testing lights that swiveled over the floor, illuminating Ruth's essence in flickers. Modeling a red, velvety dress, her friend showed off her curves. As if she needed it, her makeup was done perfectly, the sharp pull of her eye making her fierce to anyone who crossed her path.

Jay raised an eyebrow, "Me? What about you?!"

Ruth posed for Jay, halting in her tracks to press a hand up in her coiled afro, the other resting on her hip jutted out as she spun in spot. The dress opened in the back, revealing her smooth dark skin. Jay needed to ask for her secrets after the show. Ruth then grabbed Jay's wrist, pulling her to their dressing room. Her heels clacked against the dance floor. Shoving through the door, Jay's eyes landed on Estelle, a tired, lazy cat, sprawled out on the armchair. From where her head rested on the pillow, the fresh silk press protected in a scarf tied up around her head, Estelle oohed at Jay's hair. "I love your curls!"

Jay raised an eyebrow, "You're drunk already?"

"Nope," She shook her head, "Just a bit tipsy, but I will be by the end of the night, don't you worry, baby." She giggled, throwing an arm over her eyes, her satin green dress wrinkling from the way she twisted. Ruth fussed over the woman, straightening out the fabric while they all warmed up for the performance.

None of the girls were fazed when Bucky came in, dropping off his case to run back out to the stage to warm up with the rest of the band, Estelle simply whistled at him, "Thanks for getting our girl here safely!"

"He didn't drive," Jay informed her. "I did."

"Oh and here I thought he was a gentleman." Ruth tsked, shaking her head in disappointment while lathering on lotion. Estelle slapped her wrist when she tried to reach over and rub it into her biceps, her caramel skin already glistening as if she'd dipped herself in oil, "Let be real, Ruth, Mr. Barnes out there is a proper gentleman, and by golly," she teased, pulling on the accents they heard women on the radio exaggerate like they wanted to jump their costars and rip their clothes off right there on the air, "isn't he a handsome suffragette, look at him letting our girl drive his car. See, women can be a boss too-"

"Alright, it's time for you to shut up." Jay shook her head, shoveling a glass of lukewarm water into Estelle's hand and pushing it up to her full, glossed lips. "And by the way, between of the two of us, I'm the boss."

"I'll let Buck'O know," Ruth winked, hoisting the girl up as they all harmonized, moving up in scales, preparing for their first song. Their manager came in, telling them to be extra preppy, happy for the gloomful audience looking for cheer. Bright smiles only.

"Oh he knows," Jay told the two women, fixing her hair in the mirror, "And unlike other men, he likes it."

"I'm sure he does," Estelle hummed, finally pulling herself together as they lined up by the door, Jay in the middle. Planting their hands on their hips, the trio straightened out their shoulders, tilting their chins up with a triumphant gleam in their eyes. Their lips pulled back in a brilliant grin. Synchronized, with one big step, they marched out to the stage, the lights redirecting from Bucky to the main show. Jay took her place between the women at the center of the stage.

Squinting, Jay stared straight ahead at the audience.

"Welcome!" Bucky greeted, "Thank you all for showing up tonight! We all know it's been a rough day so we're here to help you all relax." Bucky's character took up the entire stage and Jay envied his never-faltering smile. "Tonight, we're so very glad you've welcomed us to this very fine club, I am Bucky Barnes, I'll be your host. With us we've got our fine gals just over here, I don't know if you noticed the shining diamonds standing at the very front of the stage." A rumble of laughter from the crowd shook the entire room, singles sitting at the bar while the couples took up the tables surrounding the empty dance floor. Glancing over the crowd, she noted the young adults shooting back shots, eager to forget what trailed their scent like a bounty hunter.

"I'm delighted to introduce our glamorous girls starting with enigmatic Estelle!" To her right, the tipsy performer took a steady step forward, raising her hand in a wave as she tilted her head in a bow, Jay didn't know how she did it. She was sure she'd faceplant if a trace of alcohol plagued her system. Then he called out, "Our radiant Ruth!" Ruth followed, identifying herself for the audience.

"And finally, our jazzy Jay!" He held out her name as she raised both hands, waving with an open-mouthed laugh. Her cupid's bow curled with a theatrical smile.

She could have sworn her muscles started cramping when Bucky finished his introduction. Reaching for her mic, she said, "Well, Bucky, what should we call you?"

"You've got all night to decide." He smiled, "Here is Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, performed by the Singing Sweets." Bucky quickly popped the microphone into its stand, picking up his trumpet and bringing it up to his face. She heard him take in a full breath as he started off the fanfare, the entire bar quiet save for a few hushed whispers. Within a few bars, the rest of the band came in, the drums beating away as he played a staccato style.

Their pianist picked it all up, the three girls breathing in unison, "He was a famous man from out Chicago way. He had a boogie style that no one else could play. He was the top man at his craft, but then his number came up and he was gone with the draft."  They all sang, a beautiful chord produced with their mixed voices. Stamping their feet, the crowd bobbed their head with the beat, "He's in the army now, a blowin' reveille. He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B."

Jay took a deep breath, keeping her smile wide, "They made him blow a bugle for his Uncle Sam, it really brought him down because he couldn't jam. The captain seemed to understand because the next day the cap went out and drafted a band. And now the company jumps when he plays reveille. He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B." Their hands left their hips, snapping with the left and holding onto their stand with the right.

The trio kept up their characters, and the audience felt it infiltrating the air, a joyful haze taking over their demeanor. Men slouched back into their seats, cigars between their lips as their wives chatted with their friends, tapping their feet along with it as the youngins shimmied in the dark corners of the bar. See, the wad of cash waiting for her at the end of the night perked her up, but the lively buzz of the people could have been enough. Still, she'd gladly take the payment. 

Quickly Jay brought her hand up to her mouth, mimicking a trumpet while she sang, "A toot, a toot, a toot diddelyada toot. He blows it eight to the bar, in boogie rhythm. He can't blow a note unless the bass and guitar is playin' with him'. He makes the company jump when he plays reveille. He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B!" When the floor just by her feet started to fill out with dancers, lone dancers who shook their hips with the music without a care plaguing their motions.

It was swift when Jay slid forward, closer to her microphone while the two beside her stepped back. Time for her solo. Her hands rose in the air, fingers spread before curling into fists, "He was our boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B. And when he plays boogie woogie bugle he was buzy as a bzzz bee," Another trumpet fanfare. Jay sucked in a breath, "And when he plays he makes the company jump eight to the bar. He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B." Her voice vibrant, opposite of the news they had gotten earlier so when she saw smiles, she smiled brighter.

"Toot toot toot, toot diddelyada, toot diddelyada." The band scrunched their face as they felt the music in their bones, and her nose wrinkled with a passion the entire club could feel. She mimicked the trumpet again, "Toot, toot, he blows it eight to the bar. He can't blow a note if the bass and guitar isn't with him." Her voice went gruff on the last word, clapping her hands at the last beat.

"A a a and the company jumps when he plays reveille. He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B" Jay finished her solo off. A couple got up from their seats, leading each other to the dance floor.

The song led into a trumpet solo, Bucky playing his heart out, leaning back with his eyes fluttered. His head jigged with the beat of the drum and every rhythm he played. Jay tapped her foot along with the tempo. The couple started dancing on the floor. Swinging each other around, smiling and kissing while Bucky played for them. Jay winked at them when they shot a glance towards her. The woman laughed, hiding her face into her partner's chest. They were a very cute couple Jay could admit, but the jealousy kept her eyes anywhere else

Dropping a few noticeable decibels, all together they sang, "He puts the boys asleep with boogie every night. And wakes 'em up the same way in the early bright .They clap their hands and stamp their feet." They all clapped in sync, lightly hopping with every clap. "Because they know how he plays when someone gives him a beat. 

"He really breaks it up when he plays reveille. He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B" They all belted out, hands fisted in the air, hoping the note would end soon so they could suck in a fresh breath of air.

The song ended with a bang and everyone clapped, a few cheers. She even heard glasses clinking together.

They all breathed heavily, smiling and thanking everyone. Soon the band started playing background music so everyone took their cue to exit the stage. No one was backstage, all employees out front assisting the customers so they all just grabbed cups, poured themselves water before sitting in their seats.

Bucky quickly downed his cup, not even sitting down. He wiped at his lips, then puffed his cheeks to relax.

"I'll be back." Then he ran back onstage to entertain the audience. For the next hour, while the Ruth and Estelle sang their solos, Bucky would come and go to drink some water, or rest his face. He always murmured a little comment, whether a complaint about the lights that brought out the imperfection in his skin, which Jay didn't really understand, or the bassist rushing the beat he so deliberately placed down in their scattered rehearsals.

When it came time for Jay to perform, she stood up, brushing any wrinkles out of her dress before walking out on stage. Quickly, she reined in her jitters and stepped out with her chest pushed out and her hands poised on her hips properly. The audience erupted in cheers at the sight of her bodice shining under the bright lights. Indeed, Bucky didn't lie because the intense beams blinded her.

Forcing herself to look down across at the people, she smiled, accepting the applause but then Jay waved them off, "I'd hope you're not trying to get me off stage, cause I've got one more song for you all. I promise I'll get those girls back out here, just give me a chance."

Everyone chuckled at her comment while Jay adjusted the mic stand awkwardly, as though she rushed to get through, setting off another wave of laughter. Bucky wiped at his lips, relaxing his face. Jay could tell he was getting a bit tired. His fellow trumpets came up beside him to help him with the harmony when the song began.

Beautiful smooth harmonies escaped their bells making the people scream in joy at the familiar song and Jay sang, her voice deep and true, "We'll meet again, Don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day. Keep smiling through just like you always do. 'Til the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away." Couples held onto each other, swaying back and forth with the music. Their hearts synchronized with one another. "So will you please say "Hello" to the folks that I know, tell them I won't be long. They'll be happy to know that as you saw me go I was singing this song."

Her chin tilted down, "We'll meet again. Don't know where, don't know when," her head started to shake, "but I know we'll meet again some sunny day." The vibrato added a beauty to the song that was hard to find in the ugly world. In here, they were all safe from the danger, from the shadow threatening to cloak the joy the city tried so hard to protect. This club could very well be the last time these men would laugh and smile, drinking to spend time with their friends instead of drowning the memories out. Jay had to make it all count, make it count for the women forcing a smile while thinking about living a life all alone, keeping everything running without a single thanks, knowing they'd be overlooked.

Right then, everyone stopped dancing as if they all thought the same thing, facing Jay, their faces in a mix of joy and melancholy. Strangers wrapped arms around their neighbor's shoulders, swaying together. The air seemed to knock out of her at the sight. All together they sang, deep and light voices mixing to create a choir she'd hear ascending to the pearly gates, "We'll meet again. Don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day. Keep smiling through just like you always do. 'Til the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away."

Jay's voice rested atop, the microphone allowing her to cut through. And from behind her she heard the band join in, the music cutting out as they couldn't resist to stand up, lining up behind their lead singer. She looked out to the crowd, sucking in a breath when she spotted Steve by the door, stepping in like a black cat, instantly moving to greet the bartender and order a double. Leaning against the bar by his bicep, he didn't quite reach the height to look natural, Steve took the fine glass to bring up to his lips. Jay locked eyes with him, and he froze, rethinking it.

Then he raised his glass in a toast, and knocked back the liquor just as she finally sang, a smile spreading her lips while he cringed. "So will you please say "Hello" to the folks that I know. Tell them I won't be long. They'll be happy to know that as you saw me go I was singing this song." Nothing could beat the hope flooding her chest, and it was the first time in days they'd looked at each other with anything other than malice.

"We'll meet again. Don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day." They had held out that note, the stand-in trumpets coming back in for Bucky to play the ending, ending with the iconic melody. Erupting into cheers, the bar rumbled as Jay raised her hands in thanks, clapping and turning to the band to thank them, hugging Bucky as she turned back to the club.

"Thank you so much, have a great night you all!" Jay shouted out into the crowd, not bothering to use the microphone. Rushing down the steps, Jay made her way into the crowd, nodding in thanks as people shouted compliments at her, laughing into each other's necks, moving out of her way as though they worshipped the very ground she walked on. It reminded her as she walked over to her brother why she performed at colored clubs, for the white clubs would glance at her as though she prepared to slink her hand in their pockets in between sets. She knew Ruth and Estelle were socializing for it was the band's turn to play a calming melody as the club started to close out.

Steve acted as though she snuck up on him, raising his eyebrows, "Y'sounded good up there."

"I hope so," she said, leaning against the bar as he sat up on the stool, finally meeting eye to eye. Arms folded onto the counter, Steve traced his finger along the rim of his empty glass, and Jay raised a hand to the bartender. "I'll have a Mai Tai." As he nodded and started refilling her sibling's drink at his command, Jay told them, "Put him on my tab."

"You ain't got no tab," his coworker said, her muscled arms shaking up her drink.

Steve grinned across the bar, "Exactly," Jay held out her hand for a high five to which he returned with a spirited smirk, his pearly whites on full display. The bartenders rolled their eyes, walking away only to slide their drinks across the ledge while tending to watchful customers. She supposed she could let loose for one night, forget about the tension that had been stretching them all thin. Steve reached across to her, sweeping the stray hair that fell from her rollers in a coil, tucking it back in before running his hands through her dark curls that swept his thighs, "You've gotta cut your hair."

"Alright you're pushing it," Jay scolded, finally scooping her colorful drink to sip at it, "No chance."

"I guess I'm too late to ask you for a dance?" Steve said, "Put on my Sunday best for no reason." He lamented and Jay laughed like she did when they were children.

"Depends," Jay stood to her full height, "Are you gonna step on my toes?"

Steve hopped down, and extended a hand out like he used to in their living room, dancing with his sister to calm her down after a long day of work. He'd push their old record player to fight through another shift, filling their run down house full of laughter as he accidentally stubbed her toe, or tugged on her hair just to tease.

Amid their dance, she noticed a few glances, a few weird looks, but she spun their bodies around to keep Steve's focus off of them, telling him a joke to hear that laugh of his instead of looking into his anxious eyes that came with every public outing.  It affected Steve more than her, he hadn't gotten used to it: people's confusion to see the two of them together, wondering how they could ever be related.

Bucky came up to them, stumbling just a bit as he tripped over a woman's foot, pressing his heavy hands on the siblings' shoulders, "Stevie! You made it."  Jay glared at him, Steve trying to pull his hands away from her, but she kept them in a tight grip.

"Buck," she gritted her teeth, "Not the time." Not now, they'd just gotten over their petty debacles. And she could smell the alcohol wafting off of him. Her brother looked at her confused, why she'd all of a sudden grown irritated with Bucky's presence, but didn't say anything other than, "Yeah, Toby told me about it, thought I should go out. You sounded great, as always."

"Aw thanks," he clapped his best friend on the back, "I'll, uh, catch you later." He glanced at Jay with an annoyed manner, passive as he pulled his hands away to mingle.

"He never catches the memo," Jay sighed and continued to step with the music.

"Are you guys good," Steve quirked an eyebrow, "Seemed like you were mad at him."

"I don't know, he didn't do anything.." Jay shook her head, "I don't want to talk about him." Steve took the hint, and told her about the walk over to the club, the atrocious scenes couples made him witness, draped across the lamp posts as though they believed they starred in a romantic comedy, but unfortunately it only seemed comedic with how they slobbered all over each other. Jay dipped her head back in a laugh just as the photographers were making their rounds.

Steve headed back to their dressing rooms to greet her friends and pack up her things as she promised to find Bucky, leading with a squeeze of their shoulders. Parting ways, Jay reached on her toes to see over the sea of heads, and somehow Bucky managed to blend in. Right when she needed him to rear his big head, that's when he slinked off to God knows where. Great.

Jay sighed, the atmosphere starting to become all too much for her. Despite having pissed off the bartenders her eyes caught on them, and the man pointed to the front doors somehow reading her mind. In an instant, she was pushing out to the fresh air, breathing in deeply as she called out, "Bucky?" Please be out here, please just be smoking a stupid cigarette. She prayed he wasn't too far.

The car was still out front, dead and waiting. But on the trunk sat exactly who she sought.

Rounding the street, Jay crossed her arms to stand across him, "Getting some fresh air?" Slouched, hands between his legs, Bucky looked down at her through his lashes.

"What's it to you?" He pulled on the same annoyed tone she'd used before while sending him away. Jay huffed, "Buck, I'm sorry- it was just that its the first time in days since Steve and I talked."

"No I get it," Bucky bit out, "Whatever it's fine."

"No, it's not," Jay argued, "Come on, talk to me." Something was bothering him, she wanted to know exactly what.

"Don't worry about it," Bucky slid off of the trunk, smoothing out his suit and rebuttoning the blazer, his hand resting atop his torso that way his father taught him to. "Let's go." Jay could only shake her head, planting her feet into the ground as she straightened, staring him in the eyes.

"Buck, talk to me, something's on your mind."

"Why would I talk to you?" Bucky snapped, turning on his heel with an exasperated expression, "All you do is brush me off." In the heat of her offense, the bitter taste spread on her tongue as she immediately shot back, "No I don't!"

"Yes you do," Bucky narrowed his eyes.

"When have I ever done that?" She crossed her arms, furrowing her eyebrows, expecting him to stutter and shut up for the rest of the night like he should- to keep himself safe. But he decided to face her, even the spark in her eyes that dared him.

"Just yesterday," Bucky exclaimed as if he couldn't believe just how arrogant she sounded, "You hung up on me when I was asking about what happened to you!" He pulled her off of the street, standing by the lamp post barely illuminating the street as people passed by, interested by their raising voices echoing off of the walls.

"I ran out of time," Jay argued without a beat passing.

"Oh please, that call went on twice the time those booths allow, you had change on you! You just don't like it when people care about you." Bucky accused her, and she scoffed at him.

"Like you were asking me out of the goodness in your heart," Jay told him with a nasty attitude, the stress building up in her shoulders and the good feeling she'd built up with performing was nowhere to be found when Bucky scowled at her, his beautiful face contorted with anger. It still didn't stop her, "I handled him, I dealt with the guy, it wasn't life or death. I asked you because Toby forced me to since he's got his own shit to deal with. I didn't want to ask you cause you're just gonna scold me, telling me 'I told you so'."

"I scold you?" Bucky huffed, literally laughing in her face, "Jay, I know you can take care of yourself, trust me," he pressed his lips into a firm line, stepping up to her and towering over her body. Jay refused to give him the upper hand, refused to crane her neck upwards to meet his eyes, instead glaring up at him through her brows, and pushing him back with a shove to his chest, "I fucking know you can- I didn't doubt that but sue me for caring about my best friend, y'know getting stopped by a random man on the street at night cause you work those god awful hours."

Jay stopped, "Y'know what, fuck you." Jay raised her hands up, starting to walk away from him.

"Yeah, fuck me," Bucky mocked her, "Fuck me for worrying about you, for asking you a simple question which I still didn't get a answer for. Fuck me cause God forbid anyone care for you, Steve or me, fuck me cause I got the hint that you don't want to talk to me because you don't trust me." He followed her across the sidewalk in large strides, "Fuck me!" People were definitely staring with Bucky's choice of words, raising hands to their lips to hide their chuckles at the scene unfolding.

Spinning on her heel, she nearly shouted, forcing herself to keep mostly calm, "What do you want from me, you didn't want to talk about it!"

"And you wanted to." Bucky forced out, "Here it is, you started it, you got mad at me when I've been keeping my mouth shut all day, and I let you act like a brat, but at one point you've gotta shut up!"

"I'm a brat?" Jay asked, and Bucky nodded and she asked again, "I'm the brat?" She nearly jumped him right there and then, nearly finished him off like she should have that man who caused all of this, but she spotted the cops eyeing her down the street and bit her tongue. She huffed an angry curse, and glared at him, "I'm going home."

Bucky's angry defense started to fade, comprehending her words as she turned and started walking back to the club, shaking her head fervently, trying to keep her murderous tendencies to a minimum as she repeated his words in her head. He immediately chased after the performer, regretting his brash defense.

"Where- where are you going?" Bucky asked, finding it hard to keep up with her.

"What do you care?" Jay harshly asked him, keeping a fast pace, sweeping her hair over her right shoulder, to feel the cool chill of the city air. Anything to soothe her burning skin, but Bucky's grating voice ignited it every time he said a word. "I'm walking home." She still couldn't manage to ignore him, she still didn't want him to worry despite how much he was aggravating her. Ruining her night. Bucky's eyes furrowed, upset by her decision. The corners of his lips tilted downwards. "I was going to drop you off."

The audacity.

"Oh so now we wanna be nice?" Jay scoffed, "No, me and Steve can walk home by ourselves, we can handle ourselves. Don't worry about it."

"Come on, don't be like that." Bucky pleaded, and Jay threw her hands up, "I'm being just how you said I am, oh what was it again? I brush you off, right."

"You do-" Bucky froze when she abruptly stopped and turned as though she was about to lose her cool, grimacing, "But that's not the point, just let me drive you home. I'm sorry."

"Be all the sorry you want, I don't give a damn," Jay started to walk off again, but this time he caught her by the wrist. The strong hand wrapped around her wrist suddenly transported her in time, fear running through her body and she couldn't see what it was but she knew she hated the feeling. A few nights ago, the man suddenly caught her again, grabbing her. Somehow, she was back at school, the unknown senior that she only knew the name of afterwards who tracked her down in the hallway, pulling her to his body just to get a smell of her hair which he'd only made fun of the day before. The alleyway, him and his friends cornering her - ensuring she remained overpowered before leaving them all alone for him to get his way with her. She'd only been a sophomore. All over it washed over her, the microaggressions, touching all of her body and mind. It was Bucky's fault but she reacted, revolted by his touch. As if it was Adam who stood before her.

Yanking her arm out of his grasp, Jay looked at him with the same eyes of a bruised puppy, snapping her teeth down the same way they'd bite, "Get off of me!"

Instantly, Bucky drew his hands back, his heart dropping to the pits of his stomach as he watched Jay shuddered to force back a gag. Just at his touch, and she looked guilty when she looked back at him. Pressing the back of her hand to her full lips, Jay started to apologize but Bucky seemed more shocked at himself. "I'm so sorry," He whispered, "I'm so sorry." The second time he had spoken it was more full, disgusted with himself. He'd turned into the pricks he despised.

"Don't do that Buck," Jay warned, rubbing her wrist. Bucky noticed her actions, lingering on them while desperation crept into his throat. "I'm so sorry, all I knew is I didn't want you to leave, I shouldn't have done that." Bucky apologized, voice getting weaker with every word, the last few words only barely above a whisper.

In her reaction, she hadn't realized just how distressed Bucky had become, it wasn't until he was sinking down on his knees before her, his eyes never leaving her, looking up at her through his wet lashes. Kneeling on the dirty pavement, Bucky abandoned all of his standards, tilting his hand up as he pleaded with his entire body, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Her fingers loosened, falling by her sides as he completely took her by surprise and her entire body fell into a standstill. Eyes widening, Jay looked around to see if anyone else was seeing this, then back at Bucky, "Bucky, what are you doing?"

"I'm sorry," Bucky repeated himself, his throat bobbing, raking against his skin with his muscles straining to keep her gaze on him. "I'm sorry."

"Buck, this- this is insane," Jay's mouth dried, her tongue darting out to lick her lips, suddenly aware of the eyes on them. She stumbled back in surprise, and Bucky's hand reached out, catching her by the back of her thigh, his pinky brushing under her knee. Through the thin material of her dress, Jay could feel his burning touch and Bucky just had to be screwing with her. He had to know what he was doing, what it was like to see him with those eyes. Desperate wasn't even close to describe what knelt before her, begging for her forgiveness. "You're making a fool of yourself."

"So be it," Bucky didn't care in the slightest, it was obvious with how he ignored all of the judgmental eyes, people from inside the bar craning their bodies to catch a glimpse of what was happening just outside the window. Her heart was going to leap out of her chest and run across the road. She couldn't breathe, his suit. It wrinkled in every cranny that hugged his body, the slacks caked with dirt, his ankles soaking up the puddles of water from spilt drinks. His father would take a bite out of him, he'd probably take a hit for dirtying his finest suit, and it was all for Jay.

Jay shook her head, "I forgive you, get up." Bucky at first thought about it, but shook his head.

"Let me drive you home," he said, withdrawing his hands from her body, dropping them by his side. "Let me just get you home safe. That's all I want." It seems like he wanted more, and if that wasn't the case, Jay rethought what it was like to be chased by the James Barnes, what those girls had gotten. The jealousy, the envy intensified within her.

"Fine, fine," she grabbed him by his collar, trying to get him to budge but he wouldn't, "I'll let you drop me home," she begrudgingly complied, grabbing him by his gelled hair to tug him up, and somehow he didn't wince, his smile only growing wider.

In the bare dim street, if anyone was looking they would find Bucky with tearful eyes almost identical to Jay's. Jay sniffed, blinking back her tears and swallowing the nausea that turned her stomach at the thought of the women who'd gotten what she wanted, "It's fine, you didn't do anything wrong. I just reacted."

Bucky finally straightened to his full height, Jay looking up at him, mixed. His jaw set firmly before he enveloped her in a bear hug, covering her entire body as he rested in the nook between her neck and shoulders. He pulled her close, arms over her shoulders, and she returned the embrace. "I'm sorry, I really am. I've stressed you out all day."

"You always do." Jay decided to go for some humor and to that, Bucky laughed, shaking both of their bodies.

"I do, huh?" He breathed into her ear.

Then the door jingled. She didn't pay any attention to it, just another customer, not until her brother's voice rang out, "Are you done yet? I wanna go home," breaking them out of the hug with a panicked shove, turning to face him, Bucky nodded briefly to grab his things from his best friend's arms, "Is it bedtime?"

The jab made Steve slap him up the head, and Jay bent over laughing until they all got shuffled into the car.

Chapter Text

For once, when strangers caught the common yet pungent whiff of soot, Jay hadn’t been smoking. She was basically covered in it, a thin layer of smoke and ash coating her skin, giving her a greyish hue to those passing by the wreck. She’d heard it before it happened, the slight whistle from the engine, and she’d only gotten a few seconds to holler out to the factory, “Run!” 

The fiery blast scorched Jay’s backside, throwing her into the door that she’d been pulling open in a rush to get the women out of the room. Her entire body stung, rendered useless and she found herself winded and coughing. Ash rained upon the rubble, and she heard it, the chain of reactions, the other machines preparing to react to the sudden change in temperature. She didn’t get a choice, adrenaline pumping through her body while scrambling to her knees, getting the exits open, screaming at the top of her lungs at the survivors to get moving. 

Propping it open with a piece of scrap metal, Jay sobbed, running to the young girls laying on the floor, roughly dragging them  by their sleeves, their hair, anything she could see through the dust while her coworkers took anyone into their clutches to escape into the lobby and out to the street. 

The girls in her hands fell to their knees, faces planting into the rug of the small lobby as Jay felt the door slam into her back with the final blast that destroyed the facility. Roasting the door, the fire scorched through the heavy metal and burnt her uniform, some of the heat searing into her skin but the sting quickly evaporated as she scrambled. The girls shrieked, crying with her hands tugging with whatever she could grab. She didn’t trust it, the calm, and she’d been right because within seconds, the chain of reactions took place. 

She watched from the street when the door gave way, smoke exploding into the lobby, the metal planting itself into the wall. Falling to her ass, Jay coughed, falling to lay in the concrete with her hands clutching her stomach. Staring up at the polluted sky, she couldn’t hear anything over her heartbeat, but soon sirens pierced their way into her head. 

Splayed across the concrete, her foot elevated on the steps, the medics rushed to her but she jumped, waving them off, and in between questions she told them she was fine, unscathed. “The girls, check the girls.” 

Now Jay stood in the midst of the chaos, refusing to let medics into the remaining structure left of their factory, unsure of the chemicals, unsure of the stability, but after an hour of forcing them to check up the employees, she finally stepped aside with the solemn understanding that whoever remained inside, lay dead among the rubble. 

It hadn’t been on her radar, she had the papers to prove it, running to Sandra halfwittedly with her clipboard still hooked on her hip, the edges burnt and crumbling but still evidence nonetheless. Jay’s career had been saved as she proved that the issue, the mechanics, was unknown. 

Sandra planted a hand on the small of her back, rubbing comfortingly as she nodded, taking the clipboard into her own hand as she promised to show Jack once he finally showed. She nodded, leaning into her grasp, taking any piece of comfort she could to ignore the bodies, the familiar faces they rolled out, covering bodies of all ages with tarps. 

As she moved through the crowd, dust flaking off of her skin, Jay stumbled across a terrorized Bucky, tortured by something she didn’t know. What was he doing here? They still had hours of the workday left, this wasn’t the agreement. Confusion took over Jay, “What are you doing here?” Then he didn’t respond, and fear started to fill her figure, because those eyes of his filled with tears forming at her voice. 

Why were they staring? At only the two, not the scene behind her, even the girls turned to stare at them and Jay became uncharacteristically nervous. People walked by on the street, staring at Bucky and Jay. They had pitiful looks on their faces, yet Jay could tell it wasn’t due to the accident. Eyebrows furrowed, Jay looked around, even the medics eyed her as they ran out of the back, shuffling into the factory through the door.

What was she missing? 

It was when Jay’s eyes trailed down that it all clicked. In Bucky’s hand was a folder, the same as the one Steve had in his satchel. The pitiful faces, the tears, they all made sense. 

Everyone knew what it was. 

Immediately, Jay wished the ambulances were for her because she knew what the folder held. Her worst nightmares were coming true. 

Tears collected in her eyes, blurring her vision. A man pushed her aside to get inside, sending her off balance. Stumbling, Jay stumbled, blinking in shock and unable to call out to the man in anger like she usually would. She held a hand out to catch herself on the window. Every single stranger surrounding them on their way to lunch had no clue that girls had died inside, yet they knew everything happening on the sidewalk. 

Every person walking by turned their heads towards Jay, who used the wall for support while everything got cloudy. They knew everything. Tears slipped through her ashy cheeks, mixing to form a clay, cracking as her face crumpled 

No one stood by to help, no one interfered because no one could change it. Not one person could ever make it better, they couldn’t keep him safe. But she had to stay strong for him. So she wiped her single tear quickly, smearing the dirt ,and pushed herself off of the wall. With a hand grasping his sleeve, Jay turned him away from the scene, pressing her hand up against his back to guide him towards his car. “Let’s go,” she said firmly. 

Bucky read her mind, driving in the opposite direction of their homes, but she quickly made him pull over, switching into the drivers seat as she realized he wasn’t in any state to be behind the wheel, he looked ready to burst into tears- the last time she’d seen him like that, well she couldn’t really remember. 

Before pulling off, she turned in her seat. Jay and Bucky, they weren’t afraid of affection, it had never been uncomfortable but those sentimental moments only took place after a conflict. So in their solemn cloud of unspoken yet mutual understanding, Jay felt awkward, unnaturally wary, unable to celebrate getting through the obscure path, but she leaned over anyway. Bucky froze in his seat, he hadn’t looked at her, even when her loud shifting gave her away. Being lost in thought, Bucky was caught by surprise and she felt it in his tense frame. Her weight fell onto his, enveloping him in her warmth, and dust smeared onto her skin. He didn’t complain though, leaning into the strong squeeze she gave him. 

He hadn’t even realized the strength she had in her, he hadn’t noticed just how strong she was. She’d always refused to explain how hard her work was, being crammed into the burning engine, working with machines his own father didn’t dare associate the company with. But the effects of the job had noticeably taken their toll, her muscles cradling his vulnerable body. 

Without a word, she pulled away to push the gear, stepping on the gas. It wasn’t until Bucky heard the river that he glanced at Jay, and she knew he’d pieced the puzzle together when his head lifted to glance out the window. The car ride, she kept it silent, and it was obvious that Bucky had driven to the factory in utter silence because she didn’t touch the radio to shut it off, no, it had already been turned off before she came into the situation. 

She pulled off on the side of the road, stopping when she felt the grass underneath their tires. She looked at Bucky, about to tell him to come with her. Lifting his face, his teary blue eyes showed, red and glossed over. The words died in her throat, and she ticked her head towards the large gates. They both walked up to the gates, spotting the rusty chains closing the abandoned orphanage off to the rest of the world. But not Jay, not Bucky, they’d be safe behind the metal doors in their little bubble to figure out a plan of action. Bucky fell into routine and dropped to his knee for Jay to hoist herself up. Her ashy hands provided friction in gripping the metal. Even as the bars burned into her hands, and as she threw herself over the spikes, Jay felt the tension in her shoulders ease as she watched Bucky follow suit. 

They didn’t speak, letting the wind brush through the forest, sweeping their hair across their scalps and sending chills down their spines as they walked across the overgrown weeds, grass coming up to their knees as they hopped up onto the patio, Jay listening to the wood creak underneath their feet, birds chirping somewhere out in the trees. She remembered the first time she’d come out here, just a week before her mother’s passing, the weak, frail body mustering up enough energy to drag her daughter into the car and drive her down to where she’d first met her beautiful baby. I need to get away from Steve, don’t want to get him sick , Sarah Rogers had said to her daughter, coughing into her worn down handkerchief from their father, but it wasn’t until they got to the orphanage that Jay realized just what it was. 

A farewell. 

Maybe that was why she brought Bucky there. They’d been there a bunch of times; with the ease of jumping the fence, most could assume that. The lake out back proved to be more than enough entertainment during those hot summer days with nothing to do, the heat boiling them up until they couldn’t contain the steam, needing an outlet. But Bucky followed her up the stairs to the infants' room that remained untouched, each cradle in the same spot as though whoever came here while they were away couldn’t bear to touch it. She pushed through the door to the top room, the sole window looking out to the gravel road carving through the forest like a canyon she’d never seen before, but she knew existed somewhere out there in the world. That big world. 

Bucky gravitated towards the light, peering down, and Jay moved to the cradle in the furthest corner from the door. She took slow steps, crossing her hands behind her back, and she was careful to remain still as she leaned over the bed, gazing down at the doll sitting on the old mattress, tucked in her blanket, the brown porcelain gleaming in the obscure corner. 

Jay observed it, the beady eyes painted on, its curly lashes giving it the innocence she wished to embody. The innocence she wished Bucky still possessed. The innocence the world was taking from him. Little curls painted onto the brown forehead started the lines of yarn woven into the skull, framing her little face and holding her in place by the hood formed by the blanket wrapping around the body. 

This is how I found you, my dear, my darling baby hidden in the corner yet the most beautiful.

Bucky sighed from his spot, finally joining her by standing on the opposite end. Tilting his head, he stared at the doll. She reached out to adjust the blanket, then hesitated and withdrew her dirty hand back to her side. Eyeing the pink knitted blanket courtesy of her mother, Jay refused to taint the remnants, she didn’t have the right to touch the baby, not when she was dirty. Bucky caught this; he noticed the guilty expression for nearly ruining the pure porcelain, and he reached down, tucking the blanket into itself to make sure she was extra snug, warm for the chilly nights that encased the city. 

She didn’t look at Bucky, her eyes lingering on his hand that rested on the blanket and she swallowed the lump in her throat. Here he was, about to be taken overseas to fight a war that wasn’t his, and he was still caring for her . She had to offer him something, but her entire world was being torn apart. 

Jay felt tight, like the ribs threatened to crack under the pressure, and she caught sight of the folder tucked under his bicep. Finally, Jay croaked, “We’re gonna figure this out. I promise, Buck.” 

And she had to fight the tears when Bucky drew back, grimacing as she told her, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” 

Then they found themselves stumbling down the steps, shoving through the kitchen out the backdoor, catching glimpse of the glistening lake through the cracked, dirty glass of the door, running down the wobbly steps and stumbling through the fields as they discarded their clothes on the makeshift deck built by the sponsors decades ago, as if they knew that one day they’d be diving off the edge into the water to drown the worries out. Left in their undergarments, the two best friends reverted to their younger personas, cannonballing into the deep lake, disturbing the calm surface. 

The cool water elicited a wave of goosebumps to coat her skin, wetting her cotton bra and underwear, soaking through her thick braids. For just a moment, she let herself sink through the water, squeezing her eyes shut to find solace in the isolating nature. But then she couldn’t handle the darkness, she’d spent enough time in it. Since birth she lived in the shadows, the corners of her orphanage, the back of the classroom, the dark alleyways, the shadowed edges of the dirty bars she chased the high in, every single engine and in herself. She had enough darkness in her life, so she forced her eyes open in the freshwater, watching the sway of the algae coating the rocks at the bottom of the lake and fish feeding off of the frog eggs.

Bucky snuck up on her, dragging her by the ankle to make her scream out in the water, flailing as she snorted. She turned in the waves, finding him with a big grin, his hair floating like the kelp out in the harbors. She slammed a palm into his bare chest, coughing as she started to kick up. Bucky pushed off from the jagged rocks, shooting up to the surface where she spluttered. A laugh rumbled in his chest, sending out waves that splashed into her skin. 

Jay spun in a circle, her own smile matching his as she pushed the strands of hair sticking to his forehead, and then leaped forward, shoving him down into the water by his shoulders. A gurgle of bubbles made her cackle up towards the sky as he sunk under her weight, Still, he found leverage in the shallow end, pulling her up onto the his bulky shoulders, her legs thickening around her neck, her muscle and fat melting into a pool under his strong hands that reminded her that they weren’t children anymore, the rolls of her stomach that she felt so insecure about but had been proud of in her childhood because that meant she was fed.

She shrieked as he moved across the uneven floor, throwing her around like a ragdoll, and she screamed for him to be careful only to trigger a series of thrusts to swing her up in the air, threatening to drop her. But she didn’t care, she wasn’t afraid; they were safe here, this was where she came from. From start to end, this wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe they could hide out here until they died, and one day someone would find them, lay their graves beside each other like Sarah begged her to plant her by her father.

She didn’t care about what waited outside those gates, not when Bucky made Jay feel like they were the only people alive. So when he crouched forward to throw her into the water shaking his head like a dog, she only giggled and swam a lap around the lake. When she felt the fish brush by her toes, she took it in, and when she heard the birds singing a song she could only wish to replicate, Jay listened. 

The sun tanned their skin and they spent the rest of the bright day in and out of the water. The moon could have crashed into Earth and they wouldn’t notice. She picked flowers while Bucky stoked the fire on the patio, and they wrestled in the grass as Jay taught him moves from Toby’s beginner classes, howling in laughter when he refused to believe it was a beginner move. 

As the night settled and the sun took its cue to rest, they were left staring up at the stars, arms tucked under their heads with thoughts running through their heads. The heat radiating from the fire kept them warm as they dried off, and reality started to cast its heavy shadow over the two. 

Suddenly, Jay’s eyes dampened, her body leaning against the wall. She wanted to calm down, the urge to comfort Bucky running deep. Yet that urge didn’t take over as she slid down the wall, knees to chest and head in hands. 

“I’m not telling my family,” Bucky broke the silence, eyes drawing through the stars as Jay’s pupils focused in on the Northern star, gleaming bright. She didn’t turn to look at him, and she sighed. So they were talking about it. 

She didn’t know what to say, and she’d ignorantly thought they’d live in the silence forever, that it wasn’t real until it was. But she didn’t know if it was better to suddenly have him ripped away from her. She thought about the Barnes family, Winnifred and George, Bucky's sisters.

Jay imagined what it would be like, walking through the front door with a file they’d been dreading since Bucky took on that job at the army base only a ten minute drive from where they laid. It had been out of necessity, when George’s company started to bring in less and less income. No one else was hiring, so Bucky volunteered himself to dedicate his brawn and brains in training as an agent.

She didn’t realize how much time had passed until Bucky spoke again, “Do you think I should?”

She first thought of being honest, telling the full truth, but then she hesitated. Would Willow understand? Why her brother had to leave even if he didn’t want to? Would Winnifred be able to send her son away knowing his heart remained home, that he wanted none of it? Would Becca be able to keep her sassy manner up when she knew Bucky would be in the trenches all alone, unable to spare a smile let alone a laugh? The twins- they’d never be able to let him go- they’d hold onto his legs to hold him down and keep him locked away in their house if they knew their big brother wanted to stay and make forts in the living room with their parents' bedding. No one would be there to take the fall for their shenanigans, or hug them when their father took too harsh of a tone when enforcing discipline. 

George… despite her lack of understanding of the stern man, she had a feeling he’d draw back his original beliefs that shaped their family. She knew deep down that if he noticed the draft took his son, he’d ignore the teachings he instilled into his only son, he’d tell him he didn’t have to do it, he didn’t have to be a ‘man’ and it would break him that he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. 

No, they couldn’t know the truth.  

“Don’t tell them,” she said. “Don’t tell Steve.” 

Bucky responded immediately, “Why?”

“He tried again, behind my back.” Jay told him, disappointed, “Told me he went to the park and library, motherfucker tried to enlist. Apparently, he’s from Queens now.” She huffed another sigh, watching the last streaks of purple from the sunset disappear into the dark blue. “If we tell him, he’ll try again, maybe they’ll actually take him. They’re getting desperate now.” 

“I have to tell them that I enlisted.” Bucky said, “It has to look like I want to go, otherwise, they’ll never let me go.” He read her mind, and she almost decided to go for another swim to get away from the conversation, but that’d be unfair to her friend. 

“Your mom would probably send you back to Romania,” Jay said, Bucky nodding in agreement. In an instant, it turned serious. The thought remained in her head longer than it should have, “Maybe you should go to Romania.” 

“What?” Bucky asked, surprised by what she said. Abruptly, Jay sat up, clambering to look at him. He lifted his head, resting on his arm. “It’s too dangerous, Buck, you’re Romanian; you’re Jewish.” She pointed out, staring him right in the eye, “You know what happens if they find out you’ve seen the news.” 

She leaned back, thinking and chewing on her lip. “Maybe it’s safer over there, maybe you could escape the draft.” It was irrational, but none of the reports entailed the rest of the world; Eastern Europe remained a mystery.

“It’s not .” Bucky shut it down. “It’s the worst place I could go to. It’s in the middle of everything.” 

“But-“ Jay started, and Bucky cut her off, “Do you know how many people are receiving cards? For their family there? They’re all about missing people, abducted or killed. None of them are good.”

“Have you gotten any?” Jay asked, suddenly breathless, she hadn’t known. 

Bucky nearly refused to answer, but finally forced out a, “Yes.” He leaned forward to grab her attention, eyes focused on hers. The orange flickers from the fire illuminated her face, reflecting a gold light from her irises onto Bucky’s. “I know you don’t want me to leave, but if I go back to Romania, then we’ll still be separated- it’ll be more dangerous than if I just went to fight. I'm trained in this, Jay. I might as well do something.” Bucky reasoned. 

“Why do you want to go?” Jay argued, angrily turning towards the flame, “You of all people shouldn’t want to go! Your family is here, your friends, Steve…” I’m here, Jay wanted to add. 

Bucky snapped at her, “I don’t want to go, you know I don’t.” he gave her a scolding look, “I’m being logical here. If I escape the draft then I can never step foot back in here, I’ll get arrested.” Bucky firmly stated, “I don’t want to leave.” Something changed in Bucky’s voice, and he looked around the fields.

His lips seemed to quiver, “I’m scared,” he mumbled. “I’m scared.” He frowned, tears welling up in his eyes. She knew it took a lot for him to admit that he'd fallen victim to his father’s shameful words at the sight of tears, or a reluctance to follow orders. 

Jay scooted closer to him, pulling him down into her arms. His body seemed to get smaller when in Jay’s embrace. He placed his head onto her shoulder which allowed her to rub his back. Jay hesitated, choosing her words carefully because she knew that the only truthful response was, you should be scared.

It was so difficult to let Bucky crumble in her arms, so challenging to keep her cool. They planned what they’d say and when they’d say it. 

When they splashed out the fire and dressed in the dark, Jay didn’t know what hour of the night they approached.  They were in the depths of the night, and she focused on sliding her arms through her shirt, pulling her washed uniform up her legs to let the top half dangle by her thighs as they packed up and finally left their haven. And Jay felt a surge of guilt when hopping the fence, tears pricking her eyes when she remembered the hug her and her mother shared in front of the gates. Guilty that Bucky didn’t know what really went on where they stood, why Jay’d brought him here in the first place in solemn understanding that this would be the last time they’d be just themselves again. 

Jay’s arms moved on their own accord, grabbing Bucky by the wrist to flip him to face her. A brief idea snuck its way into her mind, but she shook it away, shoving her body into his and hugging him like she did her own mother, ignoring the fragility in her bones and the rattle in her lungs as she exhaled into her daughter’s shoulder. She didn’t break down, no she kept herself together with her nose pressed into his sternum before she pulled away and threw him the keys, barking, “You’re driving.”

“As always,” Bucky replied in good nature, as if he didn’t throw the file in the backseat, as if nothing was changing. After two steady decades of being friends, Jay realized she’d never been put in this type of scenario, such a drastic turn of events. And she thought it over on the drive home, eyes unable to contain the waves of tears streaming down her cheeks that made her thankful for the lack of light.

She kept silent, and fared goodbye with a squeeze of his shoulder like some sort of pal. He waited for her to get inside as always, no rush, and she understood it. She wouldn’t want to go home either given the news he had to bear. Jay quietly slid into bed, twisting and turning in her crunchy clothes, restless despite the exhaustion rampant in her bones. 

—

Jay awoke with a dry mouth, dirty hair, and a weight pressing onto her chest. Even with the lack of windows in the underground floor of their apartment, Jay could feel it was way past her regular hours, the sun was probably up and beaming. The heat in her shared bedroom coated her in a thin layer of sweat, and she found herself in just her underwear and undershirt, her uniform thrown across the room. She realized she must have ripped it off in her sleep. 

Jay didn’t bother showering, not when her entire body ached for food. She realized that she hadn’t eaten since the morning prior, so she took whatever pair of shorts Steve had thrown onto his bed, pulling them on as she left for the kitchen. 

She tugged at her messy hair, scratching her neck, and mindlessly walked into the gym where Toby worked with a client who both stopped at her emergence. They eyed her, and she threw her hand up in a wave. God, it must be late; the sun burned into her eyes. Squinting, Jay barely managed to make out the figures of Toby and his client who panted and squirted a bottle of water into his parched mouth. 

“A beaut, ain’t she?” Toby joked, only to be met with a vulgar gesture she threw up while pushing through to the kitchen. Jelena and Steve sat at the island, well Steve had been searching through the fridge, the scarce food being organized onto one shelf, they seemed to be making a grocery list, but Jay couldn’t make out the mumbled jumble of words exchanged between the two blonds. 

She groaned, tugging at her braids that were still damp from the lake, coughing into her elbow as she asked, “Time’s it?”

“Nearly two,” Jelena responded, scribbling onto a notepad. “When did you get home?” 

“I dunno know, it was late.” Jay grabbed a glass to pour herself water, turning on the faucet and groaning when it rumbled and sputtered before spewing out a murky, brown liquid. She cursed and twisted the handle, shutting off the water. The dryness of her mouth drew attention to itself, and Jay started to go insane at the thought of not being able to quench her thirst. As if things weren’t bad enough. 

Jelena watched her warily, aware of the bad mood Jay had woken up with, “I’ll call the plumber.”

“No,” Jay hastily told her, “I’ll handle it.” 

“Alright,” Jelena returned to her notes, glancing up at Steve who shrugged, turning back to the fridge and calling out for milk. Writing onto her paper, the pregnant woman then relaxed, resting her hand on the swell of her belly. Jay had disappeared onto her knees, shutting off the water valve and searching for the bucket she stored in the cabinet for cases like these. She heard a thumping of her head, the kitchen island groaning as the busy woman searched for her strewn tools that always seemed to clutter the apartment. 

Jay fell into a rhythm, moving in accordance with the pipes, humming when Jelena called her attention, “We would have woken you, but we heard you won’t have work for a while. Thanks for the heads up by the way.” 

Leave it to Jelena to keep her on her toes, the woman easily disrupted her work as Jay froze inside the cabinet, wrench in hand. She grimaced, squeezing her eyes shut as the events came back to her. Right, that did happen. The explosion, it was the entire reason she left early with Bucky, but Jelena didn’t know that. What did they know? How could she fuck up this badly? She hadn’t even called? But then she wondered what Bucky would have done if the explosion hadn’t taken place. Would he have shown up to her lunch break, pulled her aside? 

Scrambling for her words, Jay stuttered, “Sorry about that, I- it was hectic and I forgot to call you guys.” Returning to the task at hand, Jay emptied out the pipes into the bucket, it was always the filter. Unfortunately, the filter was shoved up somewhere she could never reach. “Stevie, help me out.” 

Steve was coming up beside her, his head poking through the space as he knelt beside her. She huffed, pointing towards the pipe, “You know what you gotta do.” He nodded with a smile, reaching his fingers up into the pipe, cringing at the feel of the metal, but he drew the filter out within seconds, handing it over to Jay who quickly dunked it into the dirty bucket of water, cleaning off any gunk as she examined the shining metal. Wiping it off with her shirt, Jay sprayed it with the bleach just as she handed it back to him to wipe it with a rag he had ready. She waited for him to shove it back into place so she could screw the pipes tight. 

“You see Bucky yesterday?” Steve asked, turning his head to look at her in the dim space, and she nearly broke into tears at the sight of his blue eyes. She steadied herself.

“Nah,” his sister shook her head. “Nah.”

“Ruth and Estelle then? Did you rehearse or something?” Steve asked and this is what it must have felt like when Steve had lied to her. She couldn’t tell him, but the truth inside her was begging to be let out. She repeated to herself as a mantra, it would only do him harm, he wouldn’t let it go. He’d find a way to get on the frontlines. 

“I just went around town by myself, to clear my head,” she breathed out, glancing back down at a screw. 

Steve nodded in understanding, then started to pull back out, only to slam his head on the cabinet, and they both chuckled- even Steve who rubbed the back of his neck with a wince. Her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. Even after attaching the sink's parts back together, Jay stayed hidden for just a minute longer to calm the tears rushing to her eyes.

“Wanna go to the theater? They’re giving out discounts today,” Steve asked. 

She finally stood back up, “Which one?” 

“We’ll see when we get there. You in?” Her brother raised an eyebrow in a way that reminded her that Bucky’d influenced him, the same arch and smirk that they’d both ganged up on her with. Even without his best friend, he let on signs. How would he fare without him? Would he stop mimicking the man without realizing, or would Jay be haunted for the rest of her life?

She didn’t realize she’d been staring until Steve asked if she was alright, snapping her out of her thoughts. Vigorously shaking her head, Jay could only say, “Yeah, I’m in, just lemme get ready.”

A shower later, Jay wore a skirt and short sleeve blouse before making Steve wear his jacket, telling him he didn’t want to break his streak, throwing it to him across the gym as they slid on their shoes. Jay’s flats kept her balanced, she didn’t need heels throwing her off any more. 

A new client had been rewrapping his fists when Steve shuffled to the kitchen, having forgotten his wallet as if Jay was planning on letting him pay. She didn’t miss how the man’s eyes lurked on her figure, eyes the bush of her skirt, the sliver of skin showing from where the fabric ended past her knees. As always, she ignored it. She had nothing in her to snap at the man. Thankfully, Toby handled him real quick, landing a jab on his gut, making the client double over. “Pay attention, buddy.” 

Jay heard him groan, her back turned to him and she smirked when she pushed through the door. As her brother joined her side, he snorted, “Men, can’t focus when a beautiful woman is in the room.” 

She glanced at him, smirking, “You act like you’re any different.” 

“I know I don’t have a chance, so there’s that.” Steve retorted, he held back the comment about her and Sandra, now that they were in public, he had to be careful. Sliding his hands into his pockets, a slight chill came over him. “Leave it to Brooklyn to be sunny one minute and rainy the next, I could have sworn it was not this cold this morning.” He grumbled, avoiding a puddle. 

Walking down the street, the two siblings chatted. The cloudy sky threatened to rain down on them. It was only fifteen minutes before they stepped into the large cinema. People stood beside walls, smoking. Women stood regal and men stood charming while they walked out from the movie previous to them. 

Jay pulled Steve with her to the ticket booth. She stopped him from reaching into his pocket for his wallet, handing her cash, “Two tickets for Silly Suzy please.”

Steve shoved her aside, “Uh, three actually, three tickets.” 

“Cinema three, on the left.” The booth master told her, taking his extended bills to cover the remaining charge. Jay look at her brother weird, thanking the employee quickly as she followed him. “Is Jelena coming?

Steve didn’t answer, “I’m gonna go find our seats, you go use the restroom.

From there, Steve left her behind, Jay made her way to the ladies room. Steve entered the dark theater, walking down the steps to the center seats. He claimed the seat beside him by shedding his jacket onto it. Previews were playing, ads consuming his attention. The theater, mostly empty save for a few couples on the edges of the aisles, made him feel a bit awkward. He slouched down in his seat, moving his jacket to save Jay’s seat.

A man had sat in the row in front of him, not bothering anyone, silent until the next preview played. A government ad had begun, advertising bonds to fund the war. The mouth and nerve this man had. “Come on! Get on with it! We just wanna watch the film!” He called out, acting as though anyone cared. Steve tried to restrain himself. He just kept on yelling, bothering everyone without a care for what might be going on outside his world. 

He noticed the men clenching their fists, the women looking at him with solemn eyes as the man threw his popcorn at the screen. They were all thinking the same thing, how dare this man? But they just sat there, like always. He looked around, almost expecting someone to do something but quickly realized they were all doing the same, waiting for someone else to handle it. 

He’d seen the same thing before, when the kids at school watched his sister get kicked around, tug at her hair, call it unnatural and untamed. When they’d stare at him, his freakishly small frame and lack of relation to his sister, the taboo relationship between them. A black woman and a white man, talking. And there were many who didn’t agree with the behavior and unjust treatment, they didn’t like how the rest of the school excluded them, both the colored and white sections, but they wouldn’t step out of line. They wouldn’t take the initiative. 

How stupid was he? To think they’d change? No, it was always him to say something. Abruptly, he lurched forward, “Buddy, how about some respect. You’re lucky you’re not those men in the video.”

“Jesus,” the man muttered, standing from his seat, “What’d you say?”

“How about you show some respect?” Steve repeated, never faltering. Someone in the room had a brother in those trenches, or worse, dead. Maybe they’d just come back from the funeral, buried an empty casket. He wouldn’t know.

When the man almost punched him, Steve held his hands up, “Not in here! Let’s not ruin the show anymore than you did.” Sadly, the man didn’t back down, huffing and nearly dragging Steve out of the cinema. 

Jay was pissed when she didn’t find her brother sitting in the audience, ideas already forming in her mind as she asked people around if they had seen an ambitious blond man. She had even bought popcorn after she used the restroom. Holding the popcorn close to her chest, she walked to the entrance. Bucky was getting out of his car right as she walked out into the street, determined to beat the boy. She froze, raising an eyebrow, “What’re you doing here?”

“Steve called me.” Bucky huffed, shoving his keys into his uniform. She finally sized him up, looking him up and down, but just as she was about to comment he asked, “What’s goin’ on?” 

She didn’t answer, stomping off and leaving Bucky to catch up with her as she searched the streets, mumbling curses under her breath. Her hair flew behind her, almost like a coast, but the humid air of the cloudy sky turned it into a frizzy curtain. Jay halted at the sound of her brother's voice, racing towards the obscure alley just a few feet away. Soon she saw Steve crumbling to the floor but quickly recovering to stand. “That’s what’s going on.”

Bucky sighed, shaking his head in disappointment. Steve swung at his head, saying something Jay couldn’t hear. Bucky surged forward to intervene, but Jay grabbed him by the collar. Yanking him back, Jay told him to keep still, “You live and you learn.” She said bitterly, they watched the brawl, or the beating Steve was taking. Something else rose in her chest along with the anger, a pride because no matter how many times Steve collapsed, he stood back up again. “I didn’t tell Steve about yesterday, just so you know,” she told Bucky, whose eyes were still on the fight, and then her hand tightened on his collar, mainly to wipe the sweat from her nerves. Then she shoved him, “Go get ‘em tiger.”

Steve had been punched to the floor, crashing into trash cans. Bucky swooped in, clutching the man’s neck while his best friend was down, “Hey! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?” The man tried to swing a punch, Bucky ducking and throwing his own mean punch. Then he kicked him down the alley to where Jay stood. She smirked when he handed her over to him. 

Shifting the bucket of popcorn into her left arm, Jay took a mouthful of corn. Right as he stumbled by her, she stuck out her foot, tripping him into the sidewalk, face first. “Find another punching bag, moron!” 

Finally joining the two, she overheard pieces of their conversation, feeding herself the dessert she’d bought. Steve was fine, just a bruise and a cut lip, but his clothes would need a wash. “Sometimes I think you liked getting punched,” Bucky said, walking over to him. 

“I had him on the ropes,” Steve pressed a hand on his eyes. Jay finally stood beside them all, still eating her popcorn which wouldn’t be eaten during a movie, the film long having started. She found her place against the wall, leaning while trying to imitate a fly on the wall.  

Bucky then bent over, picked up a folded paper, “How many times is this?” He stopped, reading the information, “Oh, you’re from Paramus now?” Jay’s eyes caught on the file, eyes narrowing just as Steve’s widened. He immediately sent her a guilty glance just as she felt the anger surging to a peak. Shoving the bucket into Bucky’s hands in exchange for the papers, Jay read the denial and then looked back up at her brother, unable to even feel grateful for the stamp. 

He didn’t even know. He didn’t even know, oh God, she should have let that man beat his ass. “You really just won’t stop will you?” Jay glared at him. Her blood boiled, but she couldn’t attack him, not yet. So she grabbed a scoop of popcorn, ate it, making him stand uncomfortably until she gulped it down. Then she grabbed the edge of the container, flipping it over his head to dump it over his hair, the hot kernels stinging at his skin. Maybe that would warm him up. Throwing the bucket onto his head, she watched it drop onto his shoulders, and Steve should have been grateful she passed on splurging to add butter.

“Eat up, you fuckin’ owe me.” Then Bucky pressed his hands on her shoulder, shushing her.

“He thinks it’s some kind of fun joke, it isn’t.” Jay spat out, “Paid for his tickets, and popcorn but he didn’t tell me that while I was sleeping, he went to go enlist again.” 

“Actually, it was yesterday, when you were gone ,” Steve panted, throwing the bucket in the dumpster stinking up the alley, and she surged forward with her hands clenched in fists, “That’s what you wanna talk about?”

Bucky pulled her back, restraining her the way she knew they trained him in the army which quelled her to relax slightly. Weight settled over her heart, “Keep your violent tendencies away from Stevie, he’s just a poor little boy.” He teased Steve with a smirk. “You know it’s illegal to lie on your enlistment form, and seriously, New Jersey?”

Steve was dusting himself, grunting in pain as he accidentally pressed on the fresh bruises, but he took a double take, scanning Bucky’s clothes.

“You get your orders?” Steve asked. Jay feigned surprise, acting as though she was just understanding what Bucky wore. Her jaw dropped just a bit, but the rest was all real. The drying of her mouth and the thump of her heart against her ribs as reality crushed her. She took in a deep breath, trying to calm herself in front of her brother as well as Bucky.

Bucky sighed, tired eyes meeting Steve’s, it was clear he hadn’t slept to Jay, “107th, Sergeant James Barnes. Called for full time training at camp for six months, then shipped off to Europe” 

There was a pull on his tone and his hands felt like weights on her shoulders. She ripped herself out of his grasp when he added, “Think of it as a winter trip, sightseeing.” he offered, but Jay couldn’t bring herself to smile. Finally, he clapped his hands, turning around with the two following him. “Come on! We gotta get you cleaned up.” He looked down at Steve’s messed up attire

Steve came to his right, only for Bucky to wrap and arm around his shoulder. “For what? Where’re we going?” 

“The future,” Bucky said, handing him the newspaper he had folded up in his hand. Jay leaned over, reading the headline as Steve unfolded it. She didn’t miss how Bucky’s arm snaked around her waist.

Stark World Expo. 

Instantaneously, Jay’s mood flipped, uplifting and eager as she practically dragged the two men into the car, driving back to the gym to get Steve cleaned up because she simply would not be seen with him like that in front of Howard Stark. She didn’t believe it, she didn’t believe it on the drive there, she still didn’t believe it even at the gates, not until they handed in their tickets that Jay couldn’t believe Bucky had scored.

She could barely believe it even as Bucky dragged the Rogers siblings up to the front row as they introduced the legend to the crowd. Jay’s eyes were the size of saucers as the fireworks shot off into the sky and the extravagant dancers put her and the Singin’ Sweets to shame. 

Screams and cheers deafened Jay, some being her own as she threw her hands up in applause. 

The siblings had been effectively ignoring each other, mainly interacting with Bucky, but now they were allowed to be completely silent when Howard stepped out on stage. Her heart almost stopped at the sight of the man in his tuxedo, rounding the stage’s edge the same way she would in nightclubs. The idea of doing something like Howard made her heart flutter with pride, like she could ever be as smart at him. Baby steps in achieving greatness, but that wouldn’t start until she got out of survival mode. 

She watched the exposition, his presentation, breathing in his words as he brought the future to their doorsteps. It was her last year of college when he made his mark, when the first newspaper with his face plaster over the cover found its way to her classrooms. It had been the skyrocketing Stark Industries stocks that garnered the attention of the poor students, eyes widening as they realized his ingenuity brought hope in the endless depression. He was like them, a poor boy who made his way through the low class engineering degree at M.I.T.  He got his degree, and according to the papers plastering her bedroom wall, he built Stark Industries out of his garage, selling parts on the street. 

The man standing on the stage announcing his final invention was the same age as her. Born the same year, lived the same amount of life as her. But she was standing in the nosebleeds and he had the lights on him. The men and women around her applauded him , Jay applauded him. She had a gleaming grin on her face, eyes twinkling when the engineer pulled the tarp away to reveal a magnificent car that put Bucky’s to shame. The clunker was somewhere out in the parking lot crying out of humiliation

Breath catching in her throat, Jay couldn’t find words when she noticed the lack of tires. Howard answered everyone’s lingering question by pressing a button. The metal spurted fire, a blue turning into a warm orange, lifting the vehicle off ground. A hushed gasp rang out from the crowd, some lifting their hands to their lips, the others clutching their hair in surprise while Jay just stumbled back. 

Her eyebrows furrowed, wasn’t Steve just behind her? Her foot landed on the shoe of a man that by just the feel she knew wasn’t her brother. Turning in her spot, Jay barely tugged her attention away from the car. She heard the car malfunction, the thrusters cutting short. Short circuiting, the wonder crashed to the floor making the entire festival jump. 

Amidst the chaos, Howard chuckled nervously, “I did say it was a work in progress.” She couldn’t laugh, suddenly abandoned. Both Bucky and Steve had disappeared, leaving her alone. He wished them all a good night and went backstage rather quickly. The excitement in her chest, the urge to gush to Bucky about everything they’d just witnessed dissipated because something was wrong. 

For a moment Jay tried to pass it off as the two men went to buy snacks, maybe to replace the popcorn she’d dumped earlier. The chances of that being reality dimmed when Jay saw the sign. 

We Want You! Uncle Sam pointed his curled finger at her, staring into her soul in a way that drew Steve in like he was under a spell. She knew he probably couldn't take his eyes off of it the way she couldn’t with Howard. He’d probably walked over there like a zombie, but Jay nearly made a scene with the way she pushed through the crowd. 

Jay let out a sigh of relief when she found Steve and Bucky at the entrance of the office, rushing across the cement to step onto the wooden floors. They didn’t notice her arrival, still in the midst of their heated discussion. 

“You really gonna do this again?” Bucky asked.

“It‘s a fair, I’m gonna try my luck,” Steve tried to joke.

“As who? Steve from Ohio?” Bucky said, his voice straining as he grew more and more frustrated with his stubborn friend. She watched him lean in and gesture with his hands roughly, “They’ll catch you, or worse, they’ll actually take you.”

“Look,” Steve sighed, looking at his feet, “I know you think I can’t do this but-“ 

Bucky got angry, stepping up into Steve’s face, glowering down at him. His eyes never left Steve’s face as if trying to imitate how soldiers would treat him. They’d be worse, but as she observed Bucky, she realized just how intimidating he could be. His wide shoulders curling as if to corner the blond, the inches he had over him, his tough stare that pierced the man. Steve saw him in a new light and his eyes widened slightly, “This isn’t a back alley Steve, it’s war .” 

“Why are you so keen to fight?!” Bucky inquired, ticking his head while his jaw locked, “There’s so many other important jobs!”

“What do you want me to do? Collect metal in my little red scrap wagon?” Steve said through Jay and Bucky’s arguments, “I'm not going to sit in a factory.”

“Why is that a bad thing?” Jay finally walked up, cutting through, “I do that everyday.”  

Both of them seemed surprised, and she pretended she heard none of the earlier conversation. Steve stepped back and Bucky readied himself. Jay was always on edge around this topic, and Steve wasn’t exactly setting himself for a debate. “What I do doesn’t matter right? You can’t be like me,” Jay snapped, the daze of the Expo having worn off the second she remembered just how much of an ass her brother could be.

“I’m just the example of what not to be,” Jay glared at Steve, and Bucky placed a hand on her shoulder to pull her out of her anger but it only seemed to spark it into a blazing fire. “No, no,” she told the brunette, “Believe it or not, I can be right about some things, I know I wasn’t always perfect, that I messed up, but I did something and maybe it wasn’t dying on the front lines, but I did something. Maybe you should try that out before you jump to the battlefield.” 

Steve wasn’t hearing it, shaking his head, muttering God knows what under his breath as Jay talked. Bucky huffed a disappointed sigh, Jay knew Becca had done the same to him but it was never to this degree. As Jay’s friend, he wanted to slap him, as Steve’s, he nearly fell to his knees begging to not attempt to follow him. 

“Jay, Bucky, Bucky! Come on, there are men laying down their lives. I got no right to do any less than them. That’s what you don’t understand.” Steve stared Bucky in the eye, then Jay, “This isn’t about me.” 

“Right, cause you got nothing to prove,” Bucky sniped. Jay didn’t believe any word of it. 

Jay couldn’t believe this, her pride crumpled when she finally gave her brother a resolved expression. 

Then a loud, “Steven Grant Rogers!” sounded and Steve looked back. 

Jay sighed, grabbing Bucky’s arm to step back, “Don’t do anything stupid until I get back,” They both said in unison, and the three shared a small smile. 

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.” Steve replied. 

Then he approached Steve, “Punk,” Bucky said, wrapping his arms around him with Jay right behind him. When the pair turned, Jay called out, “I’ll see you at home.” A grim line pulled the corners of her lips, the monotone voice sending Steve off with a pit in his stomach. 

“Come on, Jay,” Bucky wrapped an arm around her shoulders, “Don’t let him ruin your night, you’ll see him in the morning.” 

“It’s not just that,” Jay grumbled, leaning into him as they got into a particularly crowded section of people by the food stands, hotdogs and cotton candy wafting over them. She shook her head, “This is your last night, and that dimwit can’t wait as if you’re not leaving.” Her feet plopped down, matching her heavy heart. 

An overwhelming sense of dread filled her body, numbing her fingers, tomorrow he’d be gone. She didn’t know the next time she’d see him again. 

“Hey,” Bucky turned to look at her, stopping them in the middle of the path, “You can’t be down on my last night.” 

Jay sighed, “You’re right, I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry, be glad.”

She peered at him, confused, “For what?” 

Bucky bumped her shoulder, “More drinks for us,” a glint in his eye revealed his excitement, and she matched it with a grin. He grabbed her hand, tugging her through the crowds of children towards the club Howard had expertly placed near the parking lot. 

“I’m paying,” she said. 

“Sure you are.” 

“It’s your last night!” Jay exclaimed, yelping when they had to jump over a curb. She huffed when they reached the doors, “My treat.”

Bucky smirked, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, “Spending the night with you is treat enough.” 

Jay raised an eyebrow at that, “Buck.” 

He rolled his eyes, “Fine.” 

Finally, she tugged him into the party. 

She stayed true to her word, sending rounds of drinks Bucky’s way each time he pulled her back to the bar. It was a beer in her hand that kept him off of her back, she sucked the life before shoving it down the neck to satiate her friend’s worry, but she knew how much she carried in her bag handed off to the bartender for safe keeping. 

She couldn’t afford to drink. Plus, she had plucked the keys from Bucky’s uniform that she had grown to like in the past few hours. She wondered if in different circumstances what her feelings would become. 

Bucky was a whirlwind, moving his body in a way that made the band quicken its pace and the waitresses blush, but somehow he only noticed Jay. Something shifted between them, because as she panted while ordering his next drink, she noticed his eyes on her. Only her. He ignored the other requests for a dance, solely extending his offer to her. 

And she took it, slapping her hand into his without a second though, allowing him to pull her into his body as they lit up the dance floor. Despite the weight pulling her heart through her feet, Jay moved lightly, tapping her feet in time with Bucky. They shouted in glee, their smiles surprising the bystanders. 

It was safe to say that Bucky was as drunk as a sailor when he stumbled over to her, mumbling nonsense as he tried to order another drink. With a smirk, Jay told him, “You’re drunk,” she held up his keys, “I’m driving.” 

“How are you barely tipsy?” he slurred, and Jay helped him down the road to the lot. 

“I hold my liquor better than you,” she mused, humming as they approached the car. Turning him to face her, she helped him remove his blazer, mumbling about his carsick tendencies. 

He fumbled with his seat belt as she turned the key in the ignition, slumping his head back to the seat, slouching. Blood rushed to the tips of her fingers as her hand contorted in stroking the car to life. It sputtered, then roared to life after a heartbeat. “Do not throw up,” she told him, easily pulling out and moving through the lines of cars parked on the grass. 

Bucky mumbled something about not being a lightweight, she didn’t catch it, instead turning the radio on as she turned onto an empty street. Right hand on the dashboard, her left gripped the wheel on the 12th hour. An easy posture took over her body, pushing out her bottom lip with the corners of her lips turned downward. 

Every now and then, they’d cross a dark patch, the bulbs of the streetlights archaic in age. Over the jazzy blues, she could hear the faint buzz of the electrical current. His sensitive state made Bucky jump when a bulb shattered over their car, glass raining down on the hood of the vehicle. 

She laughed, a small chuckle escaping her lips because Bucky bent over with his head in his hands, shoulders shaking. She didn’t realize tears slipped through his fingers instead of faint huffs, and sobs wracked his shoulders in the shadowed leg room he crouched in. His plastered smile didn’t shine bright, but she missed it, the way he wiped at his eyes when he sat back up. A few more minutes and she was helping him into the gym, shushing his incoherent giggles when he thunked his head on the journey down the stairs. 

Throwing him onto Steve’s bed, she watched him flail in the bed, playing with his clothes in an sloppy attempt to pull them off. Jay shoved his body, grunting when she was faced with a weight that Steve didn’t carry. She had been able to carry her brother with ease, to move him in bed was an easy feat, Bucky on the other hand barely budged.

With tentative fingers, she helped him undress, a numb feeling coating her thumping heart, treating the task as though she prepared her sickly brother for bedtime. But he was so strong under her, his entire being. Her fingers undid the buttons of his uniform shirt, brushing against his chest hidden under a thin cotton tank. His blue eyes fluttered shut, letting her take care of him the way he so often did her, sighing when he momentarily sat up to slide it off of his firm arms. 

Jay set the shirt aside, feeling him settle. He didn’t make a move. She waited, dropping her hand to her lap, too aware of the way her hip pressed against his, her backside leaning against his thigh. She knew the standards of the military, their pride in the fine press of their slacks, and the firm shoulder pads that sent fear shuddering down their enemies’ flimsy spines. 

His eyes opened, gazing at her through his lashes, and her breath caught in her throat. The whites of his eyes were barely visible, but she saw the strain, the red vessels branching out in tendrils. A side effect of the alcohol she thought, since the tears had long since dried. He stared at her, then his eyes flickered down to his belt before resting once more. 

In reluctance, Jay stared at him for a few seconds more, her eyes tracing the features of his lazy face before she gave in. Just platonically, with no other intention, Jay placed her hands on his belt. She hesitated, the weight pressing down slightly into his lower abdomen, but she verged on and easily undid the buckle. Bucky didn’t react save for a huff, “This how you treat all your men?” Jay’s eyes widened for a split second, she grew hot in the chest, blush spreading up her neck. Of course, he’d use this to play with her. Like he always did. Did he have some sort of need to make a fool of her? Was it the brotherly or friendly instinct to make her wish she were dead?

Why on their last night?

Why couldn’t she enjoy something she knew was real? Not whatever he was getting at? 

Why wouldn’t he let this be? 

Frustration fueled her fingers, unzipping and moving to grasp the waistband the way she would if she were helping a near paralyzed Steve Rogers, but she couldn’t ignore the way his muscle tensed at her touch, the way she could see the rigid lines of his abdomen freeze as though they were holding back a roll to meet her hovering hands. Something pooled inside her gut. Heat? Dread? She didn’t know. How could she tell the difference when faced with something so woozying as Bucky?

He’d done this out in the street, shouting vulgar words that gave the impression they were more than what was reality. She’d pressed the issue aside, ignored it for the sake of their friendship, because if she read further into it she’d leave with an embarrassment she spent too many years running from. Jay would leave with childish tears and a heavy heart that would scream, I told you so.  

He groaned, loudly, dropping a hand on his stomach, then the other on her knee. Fuck no. Jay’s gut screamed at her, taking up her entire mind. Was Bucky really this much of a flimsy drunk? She wracked her brain for every other instance they’d stumbled the streets, but she’d been right up alongside him, he never did anything. Not a single utterance of her other lovers, no sexual innuendos save for those he flirted with. But now? 

Then she thought, why would he hold back if he was leaving? He thought he was going to die. He thought he wasn’t going to return. And he was right. 

So many men never returned, they left with a hug, a kiss goodbye, and the next time they came back was in a casket boxed up to hide the nasty wounds. She’d consoled Ruth in the wake of her father’s death, Estelle when her cousin’s service only warranted a condolences letter and a hefty check that held her over for only a few months. She’d heard wailing in the late nights, their neighbors grieving, she didn’t miss the vacant look in people’s eyes or the violence in each stroke of a punch in each lesson Toby held. 

Who was she to think she’d be any different? 

Bucky knew that long before she did, and now he was trying to make up for all the years lost. All the years he could have had her. Two options popped up in her head: Go for it, or back away like a coward. She could have easily leant in, savored the moment and wrapped herself up in his arms to send him away the next morning. She wanted to. Jay really fucking wanted to. 

But something held her back. Maybe it was the way he slid his hand up her arm, cupping her elbow and wrapping his fingers around her bare flesh. The way he looked at her and said, “Do you ever think about how different this could be?” His manner, and his gruff voice that seemed to break down at the thought of being with her, like he couldn’t handle that he’d missed his chance. She blinked, her hazel eyes glancing down at his hold on her, then at him like she couldn’t believe it. 

In the one moment that mattered most, Jay couldn’t find her voice to answer.

Like a fumbling idiot, she grinded her teeth, then dropped her jaw before snapping it closed again. 

Bucky didn’t seem to notice, and continued to say, “Do you ever think about how good this could have been?” Jay almost begged him to stop talking, to let it lay, tell him that they’d talk about it when he came back. Maybe in a few years he’d knock on her door, walk through the gym and comment on how much it's changed, walk down the steps and sit on her bed, and just talk. The maybe made her body shut down, only able to absorb his words. “I could have taken care of you.” He said, drawing his thumb over her skin.

“You do.”

She shocked herself, the words leaving her lips before she even understood what she was saying. Her eyes watered, this wasn’t going anywhere good. Nothing about the way that Bucky was looking at her made her stomach settle. Bucky sat up, leaning into her space. She tensed, almost afraid that she’d feel fear, disgust like she did with other men. She’d been with others, and had been forced upon, and Jay’d had a lingering fear that if ever stumbled across the chance, she’d feel nasty with Bucky. 

Only a sense of bubbles floated under her skin, the tears in her eyes glistening as Bucky’s face entered her bubble. His nose, only centimeters away, threatened to slide up against her own hooked bridge, but he remained. “Did I?”

She gulped, “You did.” Jay tried to answer him firmly, maybe he’d back away. 

Bucky grew fiercer, a confidence in him only a drink could muster. He leaned in, “I could have provided more for you,” a waft of the alcohol fanned her cheek, “Emotionally…” 

“You’ve been a shoulder to cry on more often than not,” Jay whispered, her eyes fluttering, yet remained wide open as she stared into his eyes but he was focused on her lips. 

He ignored her, “Financially…”

“I don’t want your money.” 

“I know you don’t,” he chuckled, “But that only makes me want to give it to you more. But do you know what I want to give you the most?”

She stuttered, her lungs struggling to expand as he finally pressed his face up against hers, their noses and foreheads knocking together yet space remained between their lips. Her full lips buzzed with anticipation. Jay had to force her eyes shut, furrowing her eyebrows to maintain control, “No.”

Bucky smiled, a full tooth grin, “Me.”

Jay breathed, “What?” 

“I could have satisfied you,” he said with a rough throat, “Physically. I can satisfy you.” The world turned upside down with the way her face turned into a tomato, but Bucky wasn’t showing any signs of stopping, “I wouldn’t hide you like the others, turn you down for nights out, I’d take you to every place I could, show you off, give you the time of your life.”

Jay pulled away, putting space between them before she leapt onto his frame, grateful to finally be able to breath. 

“I wouldn’t be like Sandra,” he finally added with an exhale. Almost immediately, her eyes dried, her face fixing into a disappointed statue. 

“So that’s what this is about,” Jay whispered, voice growing into a strong hiss, “I knew you never liked her.” 

“You haven’t at least thought about it?” Bucky asked, “What it would be like to be with me? The life we could have?”

What life? Jay bitterly thought, You’re leaving tomorrow.

Despite her urge, Jay instead placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back down to sleep with a final, “You’re drunk, you need to get some sleep.”

And when she finally stood, throwing her quilt over him, she headed towards the door in the dark. Her eyes had long adjusted, easily finding the handle to pull the door open. It was just as she was about to step out into the hall that Bucky shifted, a small mumble echoing through the room and reverberating in her heart, “You didn’t say no.”

Chapter Text

“Put your back into it!” Toby shouted, catching her fist with an aggravating ease that came with the job. She grunted, throwing another jab at him, growling when his fist enclosed around hers and tugged her to throw her into the ropes. Jay stumbled, catching herself on the top rope. He crossed his arms over his bare chest, taking a deep breath as he eyed her stomping around on the ring. “You’re being lazy.”

Jay rolled her eyes. “Yeah, well, it's been a while since I’ve been in the ring.” She yanked the tape, flaking off by her knuckles with her teeth, readjusting it to tighten up and hold her muscles firmly. 

“That’s no excuse,” Toby panted. “I thought you were better than that.” 

“I am,” she told him.

“Then show me.” Toby challenged her, and they got back into a duel, jabbing at each other. Jay ducked, throwing her fist into Toby’s ribs, forcing him to trip over his own feet, allowing her to kick at his side. Unfortunately, he blocked the attack by bending, catching her foot with his bicep, and shoving it back down to the ground. 

Her lips lifted in a sneer, her bruised ego going in low, pounding her hands into his thick abs. For a moment, she thought she had the upper hand, that was until Toby used his strong hand to strike her sternum, then a nasty knee to her gut that had her doubled over, clutching her torso. Gasping for breath, Jay glared at him but refused to drop to her knees. She wobbled over to the padded corner. “Dirty hit.”

“Anything’s legal, kid; no one will look out for you in a fight.” Toby sighed, resting his hands on his hips as he stepped out of the ring. 

“I know that,” Jay tried to bite out, but her wheezing made it sound more like a mewl, “and don’t call me kid.” 

Amid her seizing lungs, Jay hadn’t noticed Bucky rising from her room, walking up the steps to lean up against the wall, watching her. His eyes had cleared up just a bit, and she knew he’d taken the hangover shot she’d left on the nightstand by the glistening lip he licked clean. He kicked a leg up on the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. 

She peeked through her framing pieces falling into her face, the rest of her curls pulled up into a ponytail that rested on her back in her hunched position. Glancing out to the street, the sun still hadn’t risen. They had a while before the day fully started, and from how drunk Bucky had stumbled in with her, Jay was surprised he managed to get up the steps. Hell, she was shocked he was even sober. 

Toby turned, looking between the two, and kept silent, especially when Bucky finally spoke up, “How’d you sleep?”

Jay acted as though she’d just noticed him, perking her head to finally meet his gaze. “Fine. You?”

“I slept,” Bucky shrugged, staring at her as though issuing a challenge. 

Jay’s hands curled into fists, the wrapping fraying and peeling off. Toby caught this, turning to her, “Rewrap your hands, then we’ll start again.”

He managed to snap her back to the present, and she nearly winced, realizing that Bucky had seen her lose miserably. Grinding her teeth, she nodded before moving to grab the roll of tape sitting by her feet. Quickly, she unwrapped her hands, crumbling the waste into a ball to launch off to the side. Nothing about the way Bucky looked at her made her want to engage in any sort of conversation. It was almost exactly how he had looked at her the night before. Only hours before.

She’d gone up to the kitchen for a drink and got about two shots down before Toby walked in on her, as always. Jelena had requested a glass of water, and who was he to refuse? So he walked in on her bawling into her hands with an empty shot glass inches from her fingers. Jay’d peeked through her fingers and nearly curled up into a ball to die before she experienced any more humiliation. 

Toby had to pry the drink from her hands, only giving her one last gulp from the bottle before he shoved her head under the sink to wake her up. Jelena got what she’d wanted before Toby informed her he wouldn’t be returning to bed. He tried to distract her, but the only way he knew how was to get her in the ring she so often cleaned up. 

“So we’re not going to talk about it?” Bucky sighed from his spot when Jay started wrapping her hands, moving in an easy motion around her palm. She checked the tension, pulling the adhesive up before laying it down correctly. She waited until she moved onto her left hand, biting down on her lip to concentrate since her right wasn’t as strong as her dominant hand, not as coordinated, to respond.

“Talk about what?” Jay asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Last night,” he clarified with an annoyed puff. 

Jay didn’t look up at him, finishing up her fists and checking with a pulsing squeeze. Dropping the tape, the woman looked up to see Toby so conveniently excusing himself to the kitchen, explaining he was parched. She pulled the ropes up to jump down, making her way over to the punching bag in the furthest corner by the lockers.

Bucky followed her, and she internally scolded herself for nearly tugging him in, either to punch or finally give in. Jay’s fists only collided with the sand-filled bag, her knuckles pounding into the leather in measured beats. Bucky observed her, keeping his distance. She could feel his eyes on her, roaming over her body. Her loose tank top hugged her torso as her baggy gym shorts, borrowed, which no longer fit Toby, hung loosely around her hips. She tensed her core, pushing out short breaths with each hit, and her rapid strokes made the thin fabric ride up her stomach, glistening with sweat. 

Sweat beaded on her temple, dripping down her face. Jay almost lost herself in the workout, focusing on the form until Bucky’s grating voice pierced through her head, “You’re really just gonna ignore it?” Bucky breathed, and Jay kept punching, picking up in force. The bag started to swing back at her, bending at her will. “I’m leaving today,” the man started, “and you’re ignoring me.”

“I’m not ignoring you,” Jay gritted out. 

“Then what are you doing?” 

“I’m working out, y’know I don’t get to do this often,  but with the factory closed, I’ve got free time on my hands, so I’m trying to better myself. Maybe you should look into that,” she heaved, knowing full well Bucky could have kicked her out of the window without breaking a sweat, but couldn’t care in the slightest. 

“Jay.” 

Finally, she faltered. Her name on his tongue… It was enough to make her heart skip a beat. Stupid. In an instant, hate filled her heart, malice at the realization that Bucky had a hold over her, he had influence in a way she’d sworn no man would. She thought her feelings had dissipated and that she’d managed to pull away from the stupid crush she’d fallen into in high school . She knew one day it would end, that he’d leave her behind, either to marry another sweetheart, or the army would get him. And she thought she had it under control. 

But she’d thought wrong. Jay despised being wrong.

So in the split second after he scoldingly called her name, Jay instantly spun on her heel, seething. “What do you want?” Jay snapped, “To talk about it? Tough luck, you’re not gonna check me off of your bucket list just so you can die without regrets.” 

“What?” Bucky started, but she cut him off, “No, you don’t get to do that to me, you don’t get to try anything with me knowing you’re leaving. You’re leaving, Buck, get that through your head.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“I don’t think you do!” Jay’s voice grew in intensity, her veins in her neck protruding. “So you get what you want, what then? You go overseas, and I’m here? Do I wait for you? Do I move on? Do you die, and I sit here for the rest of my life wondering what if? What would have happened if you weren’t leaving me behind?”

“I’m gonna come back,” Bucky argued, and Jay turned her head to the side. 

“Are you sure?” Jay asked, “Can you guarantee me that you’ll be back here? That you’ll…” her voice died off, “feel the same?”

There, she’d said it. And Bucky didn’t answer. Just as she expected. He stood there fumbling, jaw opened as if he almost responded, then snapped it shut, shaking his head at her. Jay mirrored him, lowering her head in disappointment, “That’s what I thought.” Because would it hurt? To ruin her life and walk away forever? He wouldn’t be stuck reliving it in his head until the day he died like she would. 

She turned back to the punching bag, returning to her regimen, and in the midst of a jab, she sent him away, “The car keys are on my desk.” 

—

When Winnifred asked her, “Where’s Steve?” Jay realized she hadn’t heard from her brother since the night before. She’d assumed on the way over to the Barnes’ household that Steve would meet her there since he made no appearance at the gym. There was no way he’d miss Bucky’s departure for the world. She’d made the effort to turn up despite the rage bubbling under her skin, surely Steve would have been delighted to hug him as a farewell. 

So she’d answered, “Oh, he’ll be here soon,” as she stepped inside, sliding her heels off by the door to walk through to the living room. 

“Oh, we just had brunch, I should have saved for you, dear,” the worried mother wrung her hands, and Jay pulled her into a hug, reassuring her that she had no appetite for her to satisfy. When Winnifred pulled out of the embrace, Jay got a good look at her, noting the wrinkles that had seemed to form overnight, an older look in her eyes since the last time she’d seen her.

Her eyes were the same blue as Bucky’s, but her lashes were shorter, more like Rebecca’s. The white strands in her silky brown hair revealed her age, but Jay’d been well aware of the beauty the mother had, and knew of the men who’d fallen head over heels for her. She knew that’s where Bucky got his charm from, the alluring look in his eyes that drew her dangerously close to the edge. 

Tears lined Winnifred’s blue, threatening to pour. Jay frowned, “Oh, Winnie, it’ll be okay. He’ll be okay.” She told her while trying to convince herself of  the same.

“How do you know?” Her lip trembled, obviously imagining the worst, fearing the possibility of planning a funeral. Jay sighed, unsure of how to answer.

Finally, she settled on saying, “Once Bucky sets his mind to something, he does it. He’ll make it back home. I…” Jay almost swore on it, almost promised to the woman, but something in her gut told her to shut her mouth before she made any more mistakes. 

Winnifred led her to the salon, introducing her to the melancholy seating of the siblings, Bucky sitting on the center cushion of the couch, Willow on his lap as the twins wrapped their arms around his shoulders, crying that they didn’t want him to go. Bucky barely looked at her, rightfully focusing on consoling his sisters while trying not to break himself. 

Jay noticed Becca had distanced herself completely, sitting in the armchair by the fireplace, chin resting on her hand, where she leaned on the armrest. Her leg crossed over the other, her skirt brushed her ankles as she watched the scene with glum, dim eyes. 

One shared characteristic that had identified the Barnes family was the signature blue eyes passed down from their mother; only George had brown eyes. Somehow, Winnifred’s genes had fought hard, and each child had the same crinkle in the corners of their eyes when they smiled, and the same blue that twinkled in the sun, the same blue that turned as deep as the oceans Bucky would soon be traveling. Becca’s blue had turned into a grey, distant as though she tried to escape the reality that crashed down without warning. 

Jay’d been in the house before; she basically lived in it and had been since kindergarten. She knew the layout of the house like the back of her hand, Jay had her supplies stowed away in various parts of the residence. Countless sleepovers had taken place in Bucky’s room, Becca barging in to talk to her favorite friend of her brother, and then bringing her down for supper. 

Despite how big the Barnes family was, they had space reserved at the table for the adoptive siblings. Her eyes flickered over the scene, burning when all she could do was take a seat in the chair beside Becca.

George, well, he was nowhere to be found. 

Willow apparently had not grasped the situation, babbling questions to her brother such as, “Are you going on vacation?” 

“Yeah, it’s like a vacation,” Bucky responded, petting Diane’s hair as Teresa shoved her face into the crook of his neck. 

“Then why don’t I come with you?” Willow asked in such an innocent voice that the three women watching had to turn away. “I can get ready right now!” The toddler started to clamber off his lap. 

Winnifred pressed her chin to her shoulder, forcing her eyes away. She looked ashamed when she couldn’t move to comfort her daughter. Bucky seemed pained, trying to explain to her that she couldn’t. 

This was why Jay’d come, this was what she and Bucky had agreed to: to protect each other. That included their families. 

No one knew of their altercation, the tension between the lifetime friends as Jay pushed herself up to walk over to Willow, who stepped over Bucky’s large shoes. To her, it was as though she stepped over mountains. 

Her hand pressed against the short span of her back, then slid it over, grabbing her small, fleshy bicep to look down at her eyes. A small brown curl snuck out from her freshly washed and braided hair, falling into her face. Jay crouched, “Willow, you can’t go with your brother.” 

“Why not?”  

Mouth dry, she suddenly found it hard to lie to the young girl, “It’s… uh…he’s going with his friends. We wouldn’t want to intrude, would we?” 

She shook her head along with the little girl, who then relaxed. 

When George emerged from the master bedroom, the family understood it was time to go. A panic settled into Jay’s bones. Steve still hadn’t shown. Where could he have been? Jay tried to hide the alarm, keeping her face stoic as she guided the girls to the door where Bucky flipped his hat onto his perfectly styled hair, the curls forced into a suave swoop to the side. Jay prayed, begged God in the few steps she took that they’d open the door, and Steve would be standing there. 

She held Teresa in her arms, hugging her to her stomach as the little girl couldn’t bear to watch her brother step out of their door and never walk through again until God knew when. Her hand petted the girl’s hand, her other hand resting on her back, when Bucky’s parents started to get their shoes on. Bucky finally stopped, turning towards his family, looking at all of them, his eyes bouncing over each face until he landed on Jay who still held a supportive mask up. He sighed and looked at his father, “I need a smoke.”

“We have to leave,” George responded in his accent, “You will be late.”

Bucky waved hm off, “It’ll be quick, two minutes.”

George looked to his wife with a wary eye, to which she nodded. Winnifred flicked her hand to send him off, “Not in the house.”

Suddenly, all of their stares turned to her, and even Teresa craned her neck to gaze up at the woman they all considered a member of their family. Jay raised her eyebrows, first meeting the girls’ expectant eyes, then looked at Bucky. He offered a hand, Jay huffed through her nostrils in surprise, her eyes flicking over to the parents standing off to the side. 

It seemed that if she refused the offer, it would raise flags. And it wasn’t like Jay didn’t need some toxic smoke to keep her mind off of where Steve was roaming around, if someone had hurt him. So she nodded, and gently pried the young twin off of her, “We’ll be back in a jiffy,” she bounced the words off of her tongue in hopes of lightening the mood. 

Through the entrance, they found themselves on the porch, only a few inches of brick separating them from the family’s ears. Bucky pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket almost instantly, leaning back on his heels as he handed her a stick before popping one between his own lips. Jay’s glossed lips, she’d wanted to get ready that morning to look better than she felt, formed a rouge ring around the base that protruded when she pursed her lips, leaning forward for him to flick the lighter open and burn the end. 

A smooth drag of tobacco into her lungs calmed her flaming nerves into a lazy boil, simmering but not as electric as she’d felt on the way there. Toby had to remind her that her shaking knee jolted the entire car, but she explained to him that he was lucky she wasn’t puking all over the floor. She’d always wondered why a drink or a cigarette eased her mood almost immediately, if the substance really worked that fast, or if it was just her mind that itches to focus on anything else.

Jay stood opposite to Bucky beside the rocking chair that had been claimed by Winnifred, and as dizzy as she felt, she couldn’t bring herself to sit upon the throne she’d worshipped since childhood. So many times they’d run through the streets, kicking around a ball or playing tag, ending up having fallen onto the curb that littered their shins with bruises they could never really explain except for playing dirty. Jay remembered when she was two feet shorter, sprinting at the sound of Winnifred’s whistle to alert them of a tray of sandwiches, pushing and shoving at her brother to get up there before Bucky hogged all of the carrots, telling him that he’d had a head start since he sat on the grass with sheets of paper to draw. 

Jay remembered the warm laugh Winnifred shared with her mother as Bucky and Jay argued over the peanut butter sandwiches. She decided to place a hand on the old wood, tracing along the tattooed wood. 

“You and your dad are tense,” she broke the silence. 

Bucky huffed a grim smile, “When are we not?” He exhaled a cloud of smoke, shaking his head as he looked out to the driveway.

“I think it’s a good sign,” Jay told him, “He believes in you, if he didn’t, he’d be kissing your feet the entire way there.”

“Sure.”

“I’m serious, he thinks he’ll see you again. Think of it this way: he’s not worried about making this moment matter ‘cause he knows it’s not the last.” Jay was sincere with her words, her throat raspy as the nicotine burned her throat down into her lungs. Her first cigarette, well, it had been a cigar offered by George himself. She’d thought it had been a trap, but took it up anyway. The week just after her mother’s passing.

The thick, Colombian Parejo that had been waiting for someone to light it up had been given to her. George had invited her into his office, sending Bucky off to tuck his sisters into bed while he spoke to Jay. Just as she stood before Bucky, tears had pricked her eyes when George forced her to have a difficult yet enlightening conversation. It was then that her feelings about the man, mostly negative, had turned into a mix that she couldn’t differentiate. 

“And what do you think?” Bucky asked, his eyes weighing down on her.

The same question was what George asked her after she’d coughed her lungs up, puking mildly into the bin he held under her chin, eyes stinging at the burn that spread throughout her entire body. The spicy smoke that had hints of chocolate took a while to infiltrate her system, and she had soon responded, “It burns.”

“Burns worse than losing your mother?” George then asked, and she had to shake her head before subsequently taking another painful inhale.

“I think he’s right,” Jay finally responded.

“Is that why you’re refusing me?” Bucky, as stubborn as a mule, never backed down, and she nearly glared at him. “Is that why you’re icing me out?”

“I think that if I give you what you want,” Jay told him, “then you’ll have no reason to come back. I think you’ll be reckless and forget that you have a family waiting for you. Because those girls are convinced you won’t return, that you’ve already given up, so to you it wouldn’t make a difference if reality came true since they’re already expecting it.”

The man didn’t seem offended; no, Jay always spoke harshly to him if it meant getting the truth through his thick head. Then he offered his piece of knowledge, “Have you ever thought that I would want more than just one night? That I’d come back to get more? Maybe instead of sealing the deal, I’d come back to finish the job?”

Jay pondered, taking a long puff that turned nearly half of the cigarette to ash, lacking the innocence that she’d had when first trying the thick, leathery cigar. 

“Pirates don’t search for gold they already have. It’s better to be safe than sorry.” From there she bent over, stabbing the butt into the porch to put it out as her skirt swished over her knees. Bucky’s cigarette followed, dropping it into the ashtray by the window. Jay didn’t let him go without a hug that squeezed the air out of him, leaning her head into his chest as she gathered the strength to open the door. 

When they stepped back inside, George pushed past his son with a mumble, “That was not two minutes.”

Then Becca grumbled, “I thought they were gonna kiss.” 

Everyone shuffled out to the driveway, hugging Bucky one at a time, as their parents got into the front seats. The younger sisters went first, Willow leaping into Jay’s arms after she kissed her big brother on the cheek with tearful eyes. Jay’s hands clasped under the toddler’s thighs, the girl hooked her arms around Jay’s neck, pressing her face into her chest with soft cries that Jay couldn’t comfort without risking a breakdown herself. 

The twins wiped at their faces harshly when they each took turns to beg him to not go, and Bucky had to refuse them, reminding them to make as much trouble as they could when he was gone.

Rebecca was something else. It was almost as though she were angry, stalking up to him with her eyebrows furrowed and lip trembling. Her big brother ruffled her hair, “Oh come on, don’t be like that, I’ll be back soon enough.”

Becca punched her brother in the arm, grunting something under her breath, but her shield cracked as her face crumbled. She grabbed him by the collar to pull him into a rare hug, crying into his uniform. Full fledged sobbing into his chest, Becca swore to him that if he didn’t return, she wouldn’t be the same, she wouldn’t survive it, and Jay’s heart broke when Bucky stumbled against the car, his jaw dropping as he looked at her as if asking advice on what to do. 

Barbed wire wrapped around her throat when Bucky told her, “I’ll try my hardest.”

Then, Becca understood that nothing was guaranteed; he couldn’t promise her, and he couldn’t give her false hope. None of her younger sisters knew the gravity of the situation, they didn’t know what Bucky would be facing, what dangers would hunt him simply for his heritage. They didn’t understand that his Star of David necklace had been left behind on his dresser; they didn’t understand that Jay prepared to console them in the time following in case a letter appeared on their doorstep. 

It could have been plucked out of a movie, the way that she walked up to Bucky with Willow in her arms, turning on her side to hug his torso as he finally pressed a kiss on the top of her head. It was opposite to her dreams - she never imagined herself having children - and the empty feeling in her chest only solidified that she never wanted that for herself. With the way of the world, she never wanted a chance of having to send their father away if Bucky was destined to even be with her. His thin lips pressed down onto her scalp once, then twice, finally squeezing her shoulder before taking his seat in the back. The engine deafened the girls, and George pulled out of the driveway with a blank stare. Bucky rolled down his window, waving down the cluster of girls that leaned upon Jay, clutching onto her skirt as she finally let a tear slip down her cheek with a wistful smile, “Wave, girls.”

She raised her hand in farewell, as did all of the Barnes sisters, following her example as they watched the car disappear around a corner.

In a heartbeat, she wiped her tears, recomposing herself. 

“Anyone hungry?”

She led the sisters inside while taking in deep breaths to force the emotions back down her throat. Becca remained silent, quickly taking her spot in the corner of the couch. Jay turned on the radio beside her when she set Willow to head into the kitchen, only to hear the music quickly cut off as the eldest daughter switched it off. Jay pursed her lips yet said nothing, starting on the apple pie she’d promised the twins. 

In the time that the girls lay around the living room, sluggishly pushing around pieces on a chessboard that their father had geniusly set up with their mother, Jay thought back on her heavy conversation with George. Mindlessly, she whisked dry ingredients together in the kitchen as though it were her own. Jelena could have very well been sitting at the table with her comfortable movements, even going as far as to hang Winnifred’s apron around her neck. 

“Jayna, come here,” George called from his office, his voice bellowing from the double doors. Winnifred stopped in her tracks from where she offered tea, glancing through the arch to the office, then back at Jay. Jay’s furrowed eyebrows gave away her confusion. 

“Go ahead, Bucky won’t be here for a while.”

Still hesitant, she forced herself to stand, leaving her brother and Winnifred behind. As she left, she heard Steve say, “I’ll take that tea if she won’t.”

Within a few steps, Jay found herself standing in the doorway, waiting for George to let her in. “Intrați.” He sat in the dim light of the lamp on his cluttered desk, two glasses in his hand. Jay eyed the fine glasses, their detailed curves in the base reflecting off the light in a spectacular show, moving around the room with each tap of his finger. She always wondered if her father had survived; then this was what it would be like, him calling her in. Would he be more of a mess than her? [Come in.]

Her eyes had been swollen shut since the funeral. It was George who had discovered her, fallen asleep by her mother’s fresh patch of dirt, hands digging into the red clay of the terrain.

She took her seat, crossing her hands politely in her lap. 

“You did not come over this week,” George said, handing her a glass. She was barely of age; to George, she’d maintained an angel-like image, but the auburn alcohol swishing around the glass tempted her. Her reluctance made the man roll his eyes. “It is alcohol, not poison.” 

“I’m nineteen.”

“I know?” George said, as if the information didn’t matter. “If someone has hard day, then they are allowed a drink. You had hard week.” He shoved the glass towards her once more, and Jay finally gave in, taking it into her hands to sip at. Jay winced, the liquor burning at her, but more so to make it seem that she had never tasted the vice. 

“You think I do not know about your adventures with my son? Drink it like a woman.” 

So she did, taking a bigger gulp and wiping her lips without so much as a cringe. 

“I am sorry about your mother,” George said while crossing his legs, one over the other. “She was a strong woman."

Jay looked down at her lap, suddenly emotional in a way she’d been trying to avoid. That’s why she hadn’t come around, because she’d been sobbing her eyes out every minute Steve wasn’t around, panicking about what to do next. The world was caving in on her, the pressures threatening to push her the six feet her mother currently lay under. “She was.”

Was. 

“I will not baby you, nor will I pity you,” George started. “I know you deserve better than that. I call you because you do not have father to ask for help.”

Hard blow, but it was true, wasn’t it? Sarah Rogers rested beside her long-lost husband, well, the empty casket of his. He had long rotted away in France, probably covered in yellow warts, blood dripping down his throat from the violent hacking that the mustard gas attacks had caused. 

“It is not that you need it. I am sure that if you did not have me, you would be fine either way. But it would be harder. I don’t want you to deal with more than you have to.” Jay nodded, taking another drink of the burning whiskey to drown the lump forming in her throat. “It is already hard enough just living in this world, that is why I am so hard on my children, but do you know there is another reason?”

Jay shook her head, “No, unchiul.” [No, uncle.]

“So they can protect you.”

“I don’t need protecting.” 

“I know you don’t. Look at you, you have taken care of your family since you were child. I remember when you came to me to ask how to fix the leaking roof in your home, and you did it even when I did not know.” George pointed at her, “You did that; you still do it. I know you are looking for jobs, I know you are going to school, I know you are thinking that there is nothing else to live for in life, that if the strongest woman in your life couldn’t survive, then how the Hell could you?”

Jay started shaking her head, about to protest and say that she didn’t need anyone else to beat her down. Tears blurred her vision, but then George said, “Well, you will survive because you are stronger.”

Jay reminded herself fervently as she waited for the pie to bake, helping Willow set up a fort under the kitchen table with her spare blankets and sheets. She was strong. Bucky wasn’t dead. Bucky was alive, probably still in the car, or maybe walking through the camp while being led to his bunk. She’d visited once, only to drop off his boots for a week-long camp in certifying for medical assistance while in battle. It was unsettling, to say the least.

He’d be living there for the next six months, the only sort of luxury he’d have before entering the war he wanted no part of. 

It wasn’t until the pie had cooled off, half eaten by the younger sisters, both Jay and Becca having no appetite, that George and Winnifred returned with one less passenger. It wasn’t until Jay took off her apron that George stumbled across the kitchen tile and into her arms as his chest shook with worrying tremors. And when she rubbed his back soothingly, the way his cigars massaged her soul from the inside out, she knew that George had cared more than he let on.

—

Jay would have been fine if she hadn’t gone home. Seriously. 

She kept a strong persona the entire ride back home, even engaging in conversation with Toby as he drove her back to the gym. The sun had set, the dark streets comforting her in a sense while tearing at her skin when she remembered driving a drunk James Buchanan Barnes back to her apartment. 

But it was the flashlight that blinded both her and Toby as he parked that sparked a rage she had been hiding from herself. Just as she felt the car tires lock in the frame, she jumped out of her seat, slamming her door shut as the police officer stared down at her from where he stood on the elevated pavement. 

None of her manners remained a worry, not even the fear of cops kept her in line as she stomped, “What the hell’s your problem? He almost hit the curb!”

“Watch your mouth,” the officer told her, refusing to click off the light as he moved it over the car at Toby, checking him out as he sized the two of them up. “That’s surely not what they taught you ladies in school.”

“Are you serious?” She placed her clenched fists on her hips. “We’ve done nothing wrong, we live here.”

“In a shit-box gym?”

“How about you watch your mouth?” Jay snapped.

“I’m gonna need you to take a step back before I take you in.” Jay scoffed at that, literally laughed in his face even as he reached for his cuffs on his hips. Nothing could be as bad as what she’d gone through that morning, but then Toby’s wary voice warned her, “Jay…”

Her eyes widened, shit, Toby was still here. Oh no, he’d be dragged into this. Just as she was about to wound her pride by profusely apologizing, Steve stepped out from the shadows, holding up a hand to the white man, “That’s not what you’re here for.” Of course, the officer immediately stepped back, letting Steve come between them, but she only directed her fury towards him. 

“Where have you been?” Jay’s voice rose in a shout.  Her eyebrows curled in rage, and she bared her teeth, “Where on God’s green Earth have you been?”

Steve didn’t flinch. “I’ve been out.”

“Oh, thanks for the elaboration. As if you didn’t miss Bucky leaving today!” Jay griped, “Do you know how embarrassing it was to say I didn’t know where my brother, Bucky’s best friend, was? That you weren’t there to say goodbye? What if you never see him again?”

“Well, I think you’re his best friend, not me.”

“Oh bullshit,” Jay spat, “Get a grip, you are his friend just as much as I am."

“Am I?” Steve asked, “How was I supposed to know to show up? It’s not like you called me.”

“Call where ?” Jay guffawed, “You realize that’s not how phones work?” 

Finally, Jay got some sort of explanation when Steve said, “I’m leaving.”

“ What ?” Jay asked, confused as to what Steve was on; he must have taken some sort of psychedelic. “Do I need to take you to a doctor? Are you on something?” She grabbed onto his shoulders to peer into his eyes, checking the size of his pupils, “Look, I know that doctor gave you some heroin for that nasty infection you had, but that doesn’t give you the right to go out and do it on the streets-”

“I’m not on anything!” Steve exclaimed, “I got in, they took me.”

Jay froze, confused. Then it registered. The army. He had enlisted. “Wait-”

“I know you don’t think I can do it, but they saw something in me.” Steve shoved her hands off of him, retreating a few steps. His sister followed him, keeping the space enclosed between them. 

“What did they see? Your asthma? Just that alone would kill you out there.” 

“That won’t be an issue.”

Her eyebrows shot through the sky, nearly laughing at the insanity, “How? Are you gonna carry your inhaler around the trenches?” He started to argue back, but then cut himself off to rethink his defense. She really, really wanted to hear it, because who in their right mind was that desperate they’d take Steve? As a soldier? He could have done anything else, he was smart enough to do anything else. She’d watched Steve stumble due to a slight wind. There had been days so intense she’d physically carry his weight down the stairs so he could hibernate.

“They’re gonna fix me,” Steve breathed out, like he was dropping the world’s weight from his shoulders. 

“You don’t need to be fixed,” Jay begged, “Is that what you think? That you need to be fixed? Like something’s wrong with you? You’re perfect,” Jay said it sincerely, she truly believed it. 

To her dismay, her brother shook his head; he wouldn’t- couldn’t believe her. He didn’t see the beautiful boy who could create the most intricate art from just a stroke of his pencil, or the kind smile that gave Jay motivation to move forward. His determination to make it through sicknesses that had killed most. He was her light at the end of the dark tunnel she drove through recklessly. 

“You’re saying that because you’re my sister, you have to say that.”

“No, I’m not-”

“I can’t keep living like this.” Steve raised his voice, throwing his hands up and dropping them to slam against his thighs.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m some sort of charity case with you working day and night while I laze around all day, drawing,” his face curled up in disgust, at himself, “I can’t go anywhere, I can’t do anything without you working yourself up so hard you’re panicking. You know Bucky tells me about it, that you’ve called him crying just because I took too long at the market, you thought I collapsed, or someone had kicked the ever-loving shit out of me.”

She remembered that day, “You’d just had polio the week before, you’d had an asthma attack that morning, I was worried , you can’t blame me for that.”

“You’re right,” Steve nodded, “I can't, because that’s what mom made you promise to do, you fully believe that you have to take care of me for the rest of your life, and you won’t hear anyone else out. So I’ll take matters into my own hands, I’ll take care of myself from now on.”

Jay couldn’t believe her ears, what she was hearing. What Steve was telling her. It had to be a cruel joke, a prank, but then she glanced around the street. She turned in her spot, looking back at a stressed Toby, then to the gym. The light had flicked on, and Jelena stood by the display windows, clutching her belly with wide eyes as she watched Jay beg for her brother to just stay . 

When she glanced at the officer once more, she saw him pick up something that had been leaning against the brick wall of their apartment complex. A suitcase belonging to Steve, but primarily to their father. It had been one of the only belongings returned to them when they found out he’d died in action. Then, a file in his hand as he waited for Steve to wrap up their conversation. 

That’s not what you’re here for.

He was here for her. To handle her by any means necessary. To make sure that Steve could say goodbye and walk away for good. 

She lost her last resolve. 

“Do you think you’re doing me a service? That you’re helping me? Bucky left today! How can you do this to me?”

“I’m doing it for you.” Steve simply replied, to which Jay shook her head, tears breaking through her lashes to stream down her cheeks. “You would have understood if you had just listened to me.”

Jay sobbed, dragging her hands through her hair, tugging as the world spun around her,. This couldn’t be happening right now. Steve leaned in to hug her, giving her a tight squeeze before he pulled away and made his way over to the police car that so conveniently sat behind Toby’s rusted mobile. No, she couldn’t let this happen. “I’m sorry,” she rushed, nearly babbling just like Willow, “Please just listen to me, you don’t want this.”

“You don’t know what I want,” Steve said harshly, weaving through her attempts to block him. Jay grabbed at his clothes, the same clothes she’d seen him wear to the Expo. Jay cried out, throwing herself in front of the door, blocking the car. Lights started to flick on in the apartments surrounding them. 

Halting just a few feet from her, Steve remained on the sidewalk while she dropped down a few inches. His eyes were directly across her, blue and numb to her emotions. He stared at her, his face set in determination. “One day you’ll be proud to call me your brother.”

It was a promise. 

“I already am.” He chest heaved, her framing pieces sticking to her forehead, mixing with the sheen glazing her brown skin. Jay wet her lips, choking out, “Steve, you don’t have to do this.”

Steve‘s voice lowered, his lips pressing in a firm line, “I have to go.”

Jay shook her head, her body shriveling as she cried, and Steve pleaded with his eyes, “Please don’t make me do this.” She didn’t move. How could she let him go? Willing to step away and watch him leave her? Her baby brother waited an extended moment, and then sighed, and grabbed her by the wrist to shove her aside. 

Jay shrieked, “No!” But her body was weak, exhausted by the day and her lack of sleep, so she tripped over the tire, falling into the space between their vehicles. Grunting, she fell onto her hands, the asphalt cutting into her palms. She jumped to her feet, but Steve had already slammed the door shut. She ran to the handle, pulling desperately, but he’d thought ahead, locking it. 

The police officer rounded the car, and she begged him, “Sir, please, that’s my brother. You can’t take him. He’s all I have left!”

The officer didn’t like her, not in the slightest, when he gave her a nasty look as he threw the beloved antique into the trunk, “You’ll get your compensation for his service within the next month, and you can cash in your bread coupons when he registers in the system.”

“For my brother?” Jay pounded her fists onto the hood of the car, “No money can replace him!” 

“Get off my car, ma’am. I won’t tell you again.” His hand neared the gun on his waist, and she pulled away without another thought. Jelena watched; she couldn’t risk her. Her hands cupped her mouth, sobbing into her palms as the car roared to life. 

Dropping her hands to her side, Jay stared at Steve with a betrayed expression, shakily breathing when he wouldn’t turn his head to meet her eyes. You’re a coward, she wanted to say, but remained silent in the rear that those would be the last words she said to him. 

In one swift motion, they pulled away from the pavement to turn onto the empty street. Rather than the calm, composed state that she’d sent Bucky away with, she fell apart similarly to the way Becca had. Now, in complete understanding of how her heart shattered into brittle pieces. Jay’s knees buckled from the spinning world, dropping onto the cement that tore at the fabric of her skirt.

Her shoulders shook with violent sobs, her head pounding from the constant pressure. Toby and Jelena closed in, flanking her as they kneeled, rubbing her back on a mission to console her. But they’d just decided to help. Now. All of a sudden, now they were willing to intervene. They could have convinced Steve. 

Jelena had been home when Steve arrived, he’d gone in and packed his stuff up. She’d known. And she hadn’t even tried. Bitterness ached through her bones, partnered with grief that tore at her soul. She felt Jelena pull her into a hug, and Toby petting her hair. They needed to get away from her. Jay couldn’t bear another touch from the people who’d let Steve get away, let him follow those arrogantly stupid dreams of his. Toby had been on her side, but why didn’t he say anything ?

She couldn’t find her voice to tell them to get their hands off of her, but the persistent touch and burning heat of their hands made her cry more, wholly disgusted. They had to get off of her. She didn’t want it. None of it. 

Why couldn’t she say no? Why couldn’t she find it in herself to warn them? She’d been in this situation before, the group of boys tugging at her hair and kicking her as they ripped her clothes off. Panic crawled up her throat, making it impossible to breathe. 

She didn’t want this. They had to get off of her. No. 

Jay had no control of her body, the adrenaline pumping through her had taken the reins, and she didn’t even realize she’d shoved Jelena off of her until she heard Toby cursing, ripping his hand off of her to run to his wife. She’d fallen on her back, catching herself on her hands. Jelena cried, her hand immediately lifting to her belly, rubbing to check if she’d hit anything. Jay stared at her with wide eyes.

She screwed everything up, she could never just let things be. Jay hurt the one woman who’d taken her in without another thought, taken a stranger with nothing but kindness. Jay scrambled away from her, putting distance as she stuttered, “I’m- I’m sorry.”

“Just go inside,” Toby gritted, not looking at her as he cupped Jelena’s face to ground her. He asked her where she hit, nodding with such a love that Jay knew no longer existed for her. She’d finally screwed everything up. And she’d overstayed her welcome. 

“I’m sorry,” she gasped, “I’m so sorry.”

Toby was fed up, “Jay! Just go inside.”

His voice rose a few decibels, shocking both of the women, but more importantly, it echoed through the street, ringing in her ear. He didn’t want her near him, near his wife. Why would he? Jay’d hurt her and the baby. Jay finally had overstayed her welcome. Tears welled in her eyes, but she sucked it up. Her feet moved on their own accord, picking her body up. For a moment, it was as though weights held her down, forcing her to watch Toby cradle a sobbing Jelena, terrified of what could be wrong with the pains in her stomach. “It hurts,” Jelena cried, clutching her swollen belly. 

“Call a doctor!” Toby ordered her, but Jay wasn’t hearing him. Jay picked her feet up, shaking the heaviness off of her. She’d do no good here. 

Jay started backing away, shaking her head like a bruised puppy. As if she were the victim, as if she’d been wronged. But that’s what it felt like. And when she turned her back on them to escape the scene of the crime, Jay suddenly was transported back in time into her teenage body, sprinting down the roads with her clothes dirtied by the grubby hands of the boys back at school.

Only this time, she didn’t know where to go.

Chapter Text

Forty one and a half inches. That was how long she’d grown her hair. From root to end, over three feet of hair draped over her body. Or currently her rug, the same rug that had been passed down by her birth parents, given to her mother by the orphanage. She’d been afraid to roll it out, the one thing she had left of her parents, because she knew something would happen to it. 

That was out of the question now. 

Jay looked down with wide eyes when ropes of hair fell down over her crossed legs, tickling over her bare skin. A weight lifted off of her head just from one stripe of hair being buzzed off, Jay shook her head, feeling the breeze reach her scalp. 

Never would she have allowed this in any other circumstance. It would have been out of the question, her hair was her entire being. Since she’d gained consciousness, Jay’d refused to cut her hair, grappling with her mother who was adamant on keeping her hair short and clean. A short hairstyle in her mother’s words was easiest to manage. And when Jay’d started working, that was another issue, a safety issue for her mother, but she insisted that she was too skilled to even let her hair get in the way and get her injured. 

So only trims were allowed, and the skill scissors only managed to snip away at the framing pieces around her face. The length had swept past the back of her thighs, thicker than a horse's mane, courtesy of her Turkish genetics. Sarah had given Steve her blonde coloring and her thin strands, so his hair fell in gentle swoops instead of the vibrant curls that threatened to mat if she went a day without taming. 

There was no explanation as to why she’d been different, why she didn’t look the same as other Turks, why when her mother had taken her to the mosque for the first time she got weird stares as if trying to figure out why a little black girl had walked in. She hadn’t known until one of grandfathers asked her why she’d rolled around in dirt.

That night Jay asked her mother if she truly was Turkish like she’d told her. But the papers didn’t lie. Her mother was no liar. 

Jay’d been born in Brooklyn, it wasn’t a matter of immigration on her side, but her parents had migrated only months before her birth. But they’d suddenly died, a malicious robber who’d broken into their apartment, and left her behind for reasons she would never know. And she’d never know their names. They’d come into the country without revealing their names, somehow getting through the ports, and bought an apartment under a name that didn’t exist, so when the neighbors called the police at the sound of gunshots, they couldn’t find any trace of who they really were. All they had was Jay’s Turkish citizenship papers and her American birth certificate, and they weren’t going to communicate with their enemies to figure out a simple orphans parentage. 

So they stuck her into the only orphanage available, threw in the only artifact not stained with blood as a keepsake, and the sisters in charge wanted nothing to do with the ‘Muslim’ propaganda cluttering their Catholic home. As if it had done anything good, all of the crosses had easily crumbled off with eroding time especially as they shut down from the lack of babies to fund. War hadn’t done the birthing rate any justice with the lack of sperm donors, y’know, since they were all dying off in Europe. 

So she knew nothing about her heritage, or who her parents were, where they really were from if she looked so different. But her mother had never let that change anything. The moment those idiots at the mosque had said anything, she’d found another all the way across town to take her to, giving her the choice to practice at all. 

On days off, Jay’d been sent with her brother to the Turkish pocket of Brooklyn, having her work jobs for the elderly as she learned more about her culture, their foods, the language, the people. 

And in that, Jay’d refused to cut her hair ever since a particularly found woman gushed over her thick, curly hair. That had been when she was seven, nearly two decades later she’d gone back on her entire belief system. Her hair made who she was, it gave her the beauty she was so proud of, and now her hair created a second rug atop the heirloom. She was sure she could have made a litter of kittens with the amount of hair she shaved off.

Now Jay had only practiced on others, so when she applied her skills on her own curls, she worked with hesitancy. Her arms could move freely due to the lack of a dress covering her body, leaving her arms in her maroon bra covered in a black lace only Estelle could stitch up that nicely, her girdle matched, strapped to her black stockings. Jay was still drunk, the alcohol linger in her system as she's stumbled into that gym in the peak of the night, trying her hardest to quietly stumble into her room while ripping her suffocating dress off that she’d lured men into paying for her vices. Jay’d kicked off her heels, falling to her knees to search for the clipper in a frenzy, needing the thick mess get off of her shoulders. 

And while crying her mascara off, Jay made the fateful decision to shave the sides off. An awkward length, Jay trimmed the top of her head with fabric scissors she’d used to patch up Steve’s pillow, trying to mirror the same cut she’d done for the men most important in her life. Men that no longer participated in her life, the ones that had walked away. 

Toby, well she didn't speak to him, hadn’t spoken to him since that horrid day three weeks before. She’d run off, and found herself in a bar, drinking her emotions away. Then she’d found solace in the apartment of a man she’d met only fifteen minutes prior. With the factory out of order, Jay had a lot of free time. And in that free time, Jay drank, smoked, slept by herself and with random men she’d get a few minutes of pleasure from with a dire need to escape the nightmare chasing her. 

No news, not a single letter or call from Bucky or Steve, no sign. She was truly all alone. She wasn’t going to bother Toby and Jelena anymore. She refused to.

Jay visited only on nights she couldn’t find another place to stay, waiting until the lights shut off to use her key, sleeping lightly to slip away before the crack of dawn. She’d watched them, sitting across the street at the struggling cafe to see if Jelena walked around with ease, waiting to see her hand perched on the swollen bump. And it was, it was still there. The baby was okay, she hoped at least. But Jelena moved with a groggy manner, eyes hooded as she trudged through the gym while Toby angrily shouted at his client to catch his fists.

None of them were seemingly okay. And it was all Steve’s fault. 

That was what she told herself when she leaned back to gaze into the mirror, memorizing her new look. Her sides had been cropped, evenly cut to hug her scalp tightly while she left a few inches on the top to curl up into coils she hadn’t seen in years. The weight of her hair had stretched out the spirals, so without the length, Jay was surprised to find her roots tightening. 

More surprisingly, she liked it. She expected to cry, to sob her eyes out at the lack of hair covering her features, but there was something in the decision that finalized everything. It had been just as she was building up the courage to return home, face the couple she’d wronged, and as she finally visited the pile of rubble the factory had been reduced to, Jay was faced with a remorseful Jack Thompson. 

He’d been sitting on the steps leading up to the lobby, reading his newspaper as always. He’d heard her approaching, flipping the corner of paper down to peer at her, sighing when he stood to greet her. Jay’d still been wearing her night clothes, her makeup sweating off as she nodded in greeting, “Hey.”

“How are you?” He asked, taking in her appearance.

“As good as I can be,” she told him, squinting up at him, the sun burning her eyes. 

Her mascara stung her eyes, making tears slip down her cheeks which Jack thankfully ignored. No one was okay this time, even Jack in all of his glory, even as if father provided everything for him, a factory to run, a stable salary and a life free of fear. Even he seemed spooked. And Jay couldn’t find it in herself to be angry, to shout and ask what the Hell he had to be sad about? What gave him the right to walk up to her in a way that made it seem his life was being threatened?

She was exhausted from fighting. She’d fought enough to live lazily for the rest of her life. It was why she made the journey over, hoping that the factory would be up and running in time to promptly end her miserable life, hoping that those machines would be so poorly rebuilt that it took her out while stuffed in an engine.

“It’s good that you came,” Jack told her, shoving his hands into the pockets of his fine pressed slacks, his blazer flowing freely in the dry wind. “I needed to talk to you, and when I called home, it seems you haven’t been around for a while.”

Jay smiled awkwardly, “Yeah, I’ve been busy.” 

“Busy doing exactly what? It’s not like you’ve been working,” Jack asked, “And you worked full days, I don’t think new commitments just showed up to fill your days.”

“I’ve been enjoying my time off,” she told him, “It’s not like it’s any of your business.”

Jack smiled wryly, enjoying pissing her off. He freed his hands to hold them up in surrender, “You’re right, not my business.” Then his lips pressed into a firm line, his eyes squeezing shut as his hand came up to rub his forehead, the blond strands of hair pushed back. She looked back at the lobby, trying to focus on anything other than Steve’s face blurring into Jack’s. He became awkward. He sighed, “I was just going to send a letter, but you’ve been working here so long that it wouldn’t feel right. I needed to tell you in person.”

“What? What’s wrong?” Jay snapped her attention back. 

“Rogers,” he shook his head, “We’re not rebuilding the factory.”

She could only say, “Oh.”

“I tried to talk to my dad about it, told him there were so many women who depended on it, but he wouldn’t hear me out, something about the price to rebuild is greater than the profit since there are no men to build anything anymore.” Jack explained, “I’m real sorry, Rogers.”

“That’s… alright, it’s not your fault.” Jay crossed her arms, kicking at a rock by her foot, suddenly feeling her resolve wash away. 

“I would offer you a job,” Jack told her, “At the next factory, if I was working there, but I’ve, um, I’ve enlisted.”

Jay’s expression darkened, her heart stopping in her chest. What was it with men and their need to die? Ugh, as if the blond hair and blue eyes weren’t enough of a similarity, he had the same idiocy as Steve. “Oh.”

“It’s just that my dad won’t leave me alone about it, that I’m not serving our country enough, and he hates paying me a salary saying I ain’t doing jack shit for it.” 

“Well you don’t,” Jay told him, the truth bursting out of her.

“Excuse me?” He hissed, wiping away sweat, “You have no idea what I do.”

“Jack, you sit around the lobby all day and read the news while Sandra does your job for you, you don’t even handle our checks,” Jay’s face creased in offense, “You only show up to open and close the factory.”

“It’s not like you’re doing much more than I am,” Jack replied, “As if this is a real job, you’re twisting a few screws around an engine while the girls pack up the bottles and put a bow on it, what kind of job is that for a man? It just lets you think that you’re actually contributing something to society while men go do the real job.” He scoffed at her, shaking his head, and she legit laughed in his face. 

“Oh, and you’re such a man?” Jay raised her eyebrows, “You’ve been shitting your pants since the drafts were announced cause you know damn well you’ve got no courage to face any of the things they face out there, you’re using other men’s work to convince people around you that you’re a man. You haven’t done shit, you’ve protected no one, not yourself, not your family, not the women that work and pay your salary with their profits, you’ve done nothing . I’ve just lost my job, my source of income, and you’re still trying to make yourself the victim for something you’ve signed up for.” 

She shook her head, spinning on her heel, “I would have rathered you sent a letter.” 

She heard Jack mumble something under his breath, something she didn’t quite catch but she knew it was nothing kind. Jay halted, turning to face him once more, “With the way you run from things expect for the war to be over by the time you get there, and don’t you dare try to take any credit for it.”

Jack was stunned to silence, jaw snapping shut as she left him with those words.

With an arrogant confidence, he called after her, “How about you go eat Sandra’s pussy, ya cunt!” 

Jay clenched her jaw, fighting the urge to turn and jump him, and as she turned onto another street, he added with a final grumble, “Slut."

From there, she’d stopped by a cafe, buying a box of pastries to then walk all the way to Bucky’s home, angrily cursing out Jack. She should have beat the life out of him, put him out of his misery before those Nazis ever did, but she couldn’t. Now there was absolutely nothing to distract her, to pull her out of her thoughts. How would she ever move out now? She’d dropped by to make sure that everything was on its way, that she’d be able to add onto her savings.

In this economy? In this job market? She’d be homeless before she even got a job. Maybe as a waitress, but did she want to do that? With the engineering degree under her belt, it felt more as a slap in the face than a step to success.

The entire walk to and from the Barnes residence, Jay was lost in her thoughts, and in pure instinct she’d stumbled into a bar.

And now she’d made up her mind, and that meant cutting her hair all off. A fresh start. A disguise to put in simple terms. To escape herself. So she stood in her bare being, unclasping her bra to slide it off of her chest, throwing it to the ground. She pulled off her stockings along with her girdle, moving through the warm light emitted by her lamp to shuffle through her brother’s remaining items, stealing one of his untouched boxers to cover her bottom half. 

It was then that she trekked to the bathroom, holding her chest as she grabbed gauze from the cabinet to start wrapping her torso. She squeezed it tight, pressing her chest flat while moving in rhythmic motions, widening her waist to make her torso fit in a rectangular shape. 

She looked absolutely insane when she returned to her bedroom, shutting the door to finally wear Steve’s hand-me-downs from their father, too big for him to ever believe he’d wear one day. It was final when she slipped on her cap, shoving her keys into her pocket before tidying up, and promptly leaving without another thought. 

—

It was official, Jay had gone crazy. 

She’d thought it over on the way to the enlistment office, maybe the gigs, the performance’s with the Singin’ Sweets could cover her new life. But it couldn’t. Those damn bars barely paid them in the first place, and to split it up with Ruth and Estelle left only enough to pay for their groceries. An apartment was out of the picture. 

Fine. Fine, oh God, fine.  

It was all Jack’s fault, putting the idea in her head, if he really thought men were doing all the work out there, then Jay just had to prove him wrong. This was Jay’s final straw. She was going crazy, and she was accepting it. No one was there. She had only spoken to Ruth and Estelle and it was brief. She was left alone with her thoughts, and she had never actually dealt with them alone before, or been left alone with them long enough. Bucky and Steve had been her group, the main ones she would go to. Her jobs were her backups, and both had left with the wind without a proper goodbye.

Maybe it was why Jay now sat in an enlistment office, just like Steve had stood before, stripped down to her tank top and boxers. Jay was in over her head. Men lined the bench she sat on, making small talk or reading the newspaper just like Jack. He’d probably done the same, sitting and reading in just his boxer to show off the figure he’d built during his free time. Jay cursed herself for turning into Steve, signing the form she turned in. Technically, she was a guy.

She had to sell the act, play the part, so she spread her legs just a little bit, crossing her arms self consciously.  “Jay Rogers!” A man shouted. Jay jumped, walking over to the man with her heart in her throat. Just one slip up and she’d be thrown in jail, fuck, she should have thought this through. Following the man into his office, she realized she’d have to be examined. 

Jay hoisted herself up onto the table, slouching as her legs dangled off of the edge that made her feel less of the man she was pretending to be.

“Name?” He pushed his glasses on his nose to which she responded with her nickname, leaving out her middle name, for a man would never have Delores as a placeholder. “Age?” 

“25 years old.” Jay responded with a deeper voice, watching the doctor check her papers. It was a test, checking to see if she knew her stuff. Jay wondered if Steve had ever slipped up, if he had stumbled over verifying the false information. Then the man asked, “Gender?” 

Jay froze, eyes widening before she forced herself to calm. She licked her chapped lips, “Male.” 

The doctor then burst out laughing, wheezing at her answer, “I’m just playing with ya!” 

Jay sighed, laughing along with him but her throat let out stressed chuckles while he looked for a joke to lighten his boring day. Flipping through her papers, he raised his eyebrows, causing Jay’s heart to fully stop before he blurted out, “Y’know I haven’t seen such a perfect candidate for the war in a while, most of the time these men are all fat and lazy or too skinny for their own good. You workout, right?” His eyes pointed to her biceps and thighs.

She nodded, surprised at the praise, she’d been so afraid she’d be considered too small, “I box sometimes, and I’m a mechanic, was- I was a mechanic, so that helped.”

“Ah” he wrote on the papers, “It’s a good combination when you’re tall, too. That army will be happy to have you.”

When he said that, relief flooded her body, and she decided to redress. When he handed her the file he took in a breath, “Now when you walk out of the building, there’s a stand by the door. They’ll have your things.” Jay pried the file open to gaze down at the stamp welcoming her into the military, happily taking her into the war. Jay huffed a heavy breath, blinking before looking back up. She thanked him before returning to the crowded room.. 

Even the ladies handing out supplies were nerve wracking. Any slip up could ruin her life. Jay knew she looked crazy when she snatched the bag and nearly sprinted down the street. Jay almost ran into people as she ran away, running as if they were chasing her. Then when she took a left, finally out of the eyes of the enlistment office, she screeched to a halt. 

Jay’s chest heaved, the folder trembled in her hands and she dropped the bag on the concrete. Jay leaned against the brick wall, staring down at the folder. Just like Steve’s. This was because of Steve. This was because of Jack. It was all a man’s fault somehow. Jay reread the insides, over and over again. Disbelief overwhelmed. No way she just did that. She was insane. No woman could ever think about being in the army other than a nurse. Here she was, papers in her hands. 

“Holy mother of God,” Jay breathed. A hand rose to her forehead. First, her lips pressed into a thin line, then a small smile began to form. Her lips stretched out into a wide smile, a shocked laugh escaping her. Then from her forehead, her hand dragged down to her chest. Jay felt her heartbeat, felt the pounding against her chest. 

Eyes frantic, roaming around the page, they then caught onto the words in the bottom half of the right page. 

107th Infantry . 

Jay froze. Heart nearly stopping. Bucky’s troop. Her own adoptive father’s troop. Jay shook her head, shutting the thoughts away and the folder all together. She’d completely forgotten that they were still on the mainland, they still had a few months left before departure. They were training like devils, and she’d be joining them.

No one bothered Jay, no man stepped up to her. She had never experienced this type of privilege. She wasn’t stopped on the street even if she was by herself. No one whistled at her or touched her in any way. Not a word spoken to her. 

One more stop. 

The fall of daylight began when apartments much more lavish than hers came into sight as she walked the familiar steps down a brightly lit street clearly designed to protect the richer civilians of the block. Jay tipped her hat down, hiding her eyes until her heel landed upon the soft entry mat cleaning the tile surrounding the carpeted stairs of the dirt from the outside world. This was the time she took on a relaxed persona because why be stressed when surrounded by luxury?

The door frames she passed each level up to the top had a detailed engraving into the wood, and she grew taller with each step. She would see Sandra soon, that’s all that mattered. All of her worries disappeared when her knocks on the door were answered with a smile, “Hey, friend. Would you like to stay for tea? I’ve got a new story.”

It was a chivalrous facade only to drive Sandra’s neighbors away from the sinful conclusion their hangouts were anything other than family-friendly, but more of a charmful tradition that got the greeting out of the way for the two women, “I would like that very much, say… have you got lavender?”

Then she stepped into the safety of Sandra’s apartment with the door closing behind her and a hand wrapping around her waist to shove her into the door, lips pressing to her own. Jay barely got a glimpse of Sandra’s new look, a shorter bob cut into her hair that curled in a way she had them specifically done just to see her. The beauty mark on her upper lip contrasted with the scarlet rouge painted onto her lips only for it to smear onto Jay’s mouth, not that she minded, she found that it tasted like vanilla.

This time had been from a different timeline entirely, because when Jay started their charade while the door had remained shut, Sandra responded with a sultry voice until the chain dropped and she was met with a man standing at her door. “Who are you? I could have sworn Jay was at my door.” 

Sandra stuck out her hip, wearing a silky dress that signaled she was ready for bed, completely unaware that Jay would be paying her a visit. She started to push her door shut, not willing to deal with a man especially in the late hours, but Jay shoved her foot into the doorway, “It’s me, Jay.” 

She leaned to get a better view of Jay, eyes flaring when her lover removed her hat. “What the-”

Jay pushed into her apartment, shoving the door shut as she cut Sandra off, “Look I can explain-”

“Are you trying to kill yourself?” Sandra exclaimed, grabbing her collar and examining the short style she’d cut her hair into, “You’ve managed to turn yourself into more of a fag than I imagined.” 

Jay pushed her hands off, “What? How can you say that?” This was not how she planned this, not what she expected when making her way over. Her feet were aching, the shoes she’d stolen from Toby were way too big. Her back ached from the bag she carried with all of her materials, the boots hanging from the handle. Sandra stepped back, analyzing her, spotting the file in her hands and the backpack in an olive green just as Jay said, “I’m moving to Louisiana.”

“No way, don’t lie to me,” Sandra said, shoving her hand into Jay’s chest, tugging at the silver dog tags that hung under her shirt. Her voice rose a few octaves, shrill as she drew her hand back, letting the tags clang against Jay’s collarbone and struck her. Jay’s head snapped back, jaw dropping as she dropped the file to clutch her cheek. Who was this woman and what had she done with Sandra? The beautiful face didn’t match her harsh action. “You’ve enlisted. Oh you’ve actually gone mental.”

“It’s not like I have any other choice! If you didn’t know, the factory ain’t a thing anymore, they’re closing it down! I need a job!”

“Oh really, have you been living under a rock?” Sandra shouted.

Jay furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, and Sandra’s jaw dropped, “Jay, there was no way they were going to rebuild the factory, everyone knew this from day one.” 

The world spun around her, she’d been so caught up with Bucky and Steve and her own troubles, she’d been so stupid as to think that they’d give a damn to get some sort of establishment up. She’d really thought they cared about providing the job they’d promised. It had been a while since she had looked for jobs, and forgot just how selfish everyone was.

“Well I didn’t know that. It doesn’t matter, I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“Like hell you are,” Sandra shook her head, “Are you insane, it’s illegal!”

“That doesn’t mean it’s right!” Jay argued, “I have the same right as those men to fight!” Wow, she sounded just like Steve. Unemployment was rough. 

“No you don’t, it's a man’s job to handle that, you can’t fight them.” Okay, Jay had to explain something. She hated dimwitted women, and given the fact that Sandra had been the boss of their factory since the moment Jay had walked in for her first day, the possibility of agreeing with the old fashioned standards seemed zero to none. It seemed that Jay had been misled, because if her ears were not failing her, Sandra was saying she was too weak. 

Jay was not weak, especially not because she was a woman. There was absolutely nothing wrong with what she was doing. She would not hear Sandra out no matter how beautiful she found the woman. “And what’s the difference between a woman and a man.”

“You are physically weaker than them,” Sandra argued.

“So why have you been doing Jack’s job for the past few years?” Jay dropped her bag to the floor, crossing her arms. “Why have I been fixing those goddamn engines then? It’s a man’s job according to you!"

“That’s not the same.”

“If you’re gonna use that logic then why have we been doing something that should only be between a man and a woman, if you’re gonna talk like those grannies, how about you explain that. You don’t get to nitpick, you don’t get to choose my life for me!” Jay shouted, slamming her hands into her chest, her eyes watering because she didn’t want to spend her last night with Sandra like this. Not like this. Was this how Bucky felt? How did he keep himself in control?

She felt as though she was doing Sandra a disservice for not restraining her emotions, for not approaching it as calmly as Bucky had done for her, but Jay hadn’t spewed this nonsense. And better yet, they were genuinely something . It wasn’t her apartment, but she knew her way around it. She knew where Sandra liked to keep the salt and pepper, not on the table like most would but in her spice cabinet. She knew just how Sandra set up her bed when her sheets had dried and she knew the way her shower knob worked when no one in her tax bracket would have a clue on how to work it. 

Jay didn’t deserve this, to be ridiculed when Sandra owed her compassion. “I wanted to spend my last night with you .” 

“And do what?” Sandra hissed, stepping away from her as though she were disgusted. 

“Sandra, why are you doing this?” Jay cried, the tears breaking free, “I want to be with you, you want to be with me, right?”

It would be a lie to say that it didn’t hurt when she answered truthfully, “Yeah, that was when I thought you understood where your place is.” What place? “I thought you understood, with you being Muslim, that women and men are separate, it’s better to let them do the work we can’t. And this,” she gestured between their chests, “was a placeholder until the war was over, until the men return.”

Jay couldn’t wrap her head around it, repeating, “What?” as Sandra continued to shatter her world. 

“I thought you knew that,” Sandra reprimanded, “This was never serious, I just, I just needed release since there are no men around anymore!” Jay’s jaw had dropped as she stared dumbfounded, eyes red with wet lashes. Her lip trembled and the beautiful woman looked at her incredulously, “Did you think that I was gay? I’m not gay.” Thanks for the clarification. 

Jay narrowed her eyes, “Oh yeah because what we did in your bed was totally heterosexual. Tell that to your preacher.” She rolled her eyes, pacing around the room as she tried to comprehend. “So, so that’s why you wouldn’t take me out, you’d only talk to me at work, and you wouldn’t pick up my calls. You haven’t spoken to me in weeks , I’m so stupid, I should have known.” She shook her head, “I should have known, but I chased you like a fool! I thought you loved me.”

“A woman can’t love another woman.”

Jay looked at her, betrayed entirely at her words, but she couldn’t convince her. She couldn’t convince anyone anything, there was no one left to convince. To stay with her. No one was left to even hear her. Sandra had never even been by her side, since the beginning. Just wanted her around for fun, for release. But it didn’t mean anything to her. “Y’know what, it doesn’t matter, I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“No, you’re not,” Sandra told her, moving to the phone, “I won’t let you.”

“Oh why, because you don’t give a damn about me, or do you actually love me? Do you care about my wellbeing?” Jay shouted, following her through the living room, knowing that the neighbors were just a few moments away from hearing their sinful conversation. 

“I won’t go to Hell for you,” Jay heard the woman yell back, “I’m calling the police!”

The mention of the police made her hurtle forward, shoving the phone off of the side table, ripping the cord out of the wall as it clattered to the ground. Sandra gasped, raising her hands up to her face in the good, innocent manner of a simple woman, playing a fearful part that Jay knew did not exist within the woman. She wanted more than this, she wanted a job that fulfilled her, displayed the fierce boss that lived within her soul. 

She wanted Jay, but now that Jay was leaving, she had to hide, had to make it hurt for her to leave. 

Jay didn’t believe the lies for a second, and her rage made her terrifying. She stalked over to Sandra, her figure looming over her as she grabbed the woman to shove her up against the wall in ways she’d done before but nowhere near as romantic as before. Jay sneered like an animal barely held back by a collar, pushing herself into the woman’s space. Sandra painted, her eyes flickering down to Jay’s lips. Jay nearly scoffed, nearly took the chance to kiss her farewell, but didn’t.

“If you even dare think about ratting me out, I’ll tell everyone about us, I’ll tell them about everything until your mother wouldn’t be able to call you her daughter.” 

Bucky was right about you.

Sandra’s eyes widened, and she didn’t respond. “This could have turned out differently,” Jay bit, and her voice trembled on the last word, “and that’s on you. ”

After a beat, Jay pulled off, stalking towards the door. Slinging her bag over her shoulder, she turned back to look at Sandra, and if looks could kill her boss would be a rotting corpse, “I’ll ruin your life. Do you understand me?”

And like a coward, Sandra shriveled into the shell of a woman she was, not able to meet Jay’s strong glare, “Yeah, I won’t say anything.” A slam of her door was the only response she deserved.

—

Toby barely recognized her when she returned home earlier than usual. She pushed open the door, surprised to find him cleaning up the gym, and checking her watch to realize that she hadn’t waited at all. He started to shout at her, as though she were a random man, “Boy, the gym is closed for today!”

Jay simply pulled her hat off, giving him a clear view of her face. His jaw dropped, “Jay?” He asked, “You cut your hair.”

“Thanks for noticing,” Jay replied dimly, unsure of what to say. She hadn’t spoken to him in weeks, not since she left in a hurried fashion. It was obvious when he took Jay’s appearance in. He saw the bag, and the folder in the other. Eyebrows furrowed, he looked at Jay, not understanding. Jay set her bag down, opening the folder and turning it towards him. Toby read it, eyes widening. 

“No.” He breathed.

“Yep.” Jay said. Drawing back, she glanced around the gym, “Uh- is Jelena- is she okay? The baby?” She hadn’t gotten any confirmation, only sights of Jelena walking around. 

Toby sighed, “They’re fine, both of ‘em. Doesn’t mean she’s happy though.”

“Why isn’t she happy?” Jay furrowed her eyebrows, the relief at the information didn’t quell her worries. 

“Jay, she misses you, I miss you.” Oh, well this was going to be great, now she was going to break the news she was leaving in just a few short hours. Jay nearly grimaced, but handed him the file, “I- you’re gonna want an explanation.”

Somehow, Toby took the news much better than she expected, sitting back on the ring to listen as she explained the lack of a job, conveniently leaving out Sandra, as she explained just how crazy she’d been going over the past few weeks. Toby only said, “I could have given you a job.”

She shook her head, “I couldn’t ask you that.”

“I thought you were completely against this sort of thing? With the way you hated at Steve for it.”

“Well I did said I’d be better fit to fight Nazis, did I not?” Jay shrugged, and Toby chuckled at that, handing her back the file. He got up, making his way into the kitchen as Jay trailed behind him, feeling an ease settle into her bone that she hadn’t felt since Steve left. This was her home, but she couldn’t keep barging in on this. "And... I couldn't hate him. I don't think he could do anything to make me hate him."

She nearly busted into tears when she spotted Jelena hunched over, dead asleep on the kitchen island. The woman looked exhausted, the bags under her eyes prominent even as Jay had heard her snore when sneaking in for a night. Toby slithered up to her side, rubbing her back as he kissed her hair, “Jelena, baby, Jay’s back.”

“Jay?” Jelena blinked, her blue eyes revealing themselves as her groggy moans sounded from her throat, lifting her head to look at the remaining Rogers siblings. “Oh, Jay!” She didn’t notice the man standing before, or didn’t care while sliding off the chair with Toby’s supporting hand, waddling over to pull her into a bone crushing hug. “Where have you been?” her weak voice asked, threatening to break down. 

“Everywhere,” Jay whispered, wrapping her arms around the woman’s wide frame, burying her face into her dress, “I’ve been acting a fool.”

Jelena pulled back, just a few inches to look up at her, tears lining her blonde lashes, “Oh honey, you’ve had every right.”

Jay’s face held its facade for only a few seconds before her words chipped away at the mask, crumbling into sobs, “I’m sorry.” She fell apart into Jelena’s arms, crying as though it were her mother holding her together, the blonde and blue matching, and Jay nearly cursed herself for taking the only good thing in her life away from herself. Jelena’s cooing only pushed her further into her breakdown, “I’m okay, we’re okay, it’s okay. I could never be mad at you.”

“You should be,” she cried in response, “I’ve been a mess.”

“But you’re here now,” Jelena told her, “That’s what matters.”

But she didn’t know about everything, the disgusting parts of Jay that she’d indulged in just because of a simple mishap, a man leaving her like he rightfully should. She’d gone against her core, snapping because of a simple man, but she hadn’t realized just how much she’d loved them, everything tying into them, and she hadn’t known just how much she avoided. 

The alcohol, the nights with random people, the drugs, all the cigarettes she smoked just to escape the reality of being her. Jelena’s hand rose up to drag through her hair out of habit, and it fell limp at the cropped feel of her scalp, “You cut your hair.”

“That’s what I said,” Toby cut in, and Jay snorted through her tears, pulling away, “Do ya like it?”

“I think it fits you,” Toby said, “Plus it won’t get in the way in a fight.”

“Now you sound like my mother.”

“From what I hear, she was a smart woman,” Toby shot back, moving to fill a glass of water to hand to Jelena, “I think we’ve got some stuff to talk about.”

Explaining just how she’d pulled off the task was easy, the steps taken in order to ensure success sliding off of her tongue without a jumble. It was the deadline that stressed her to the core. She tapped her fingers on the counter, sighing as her stomach twisted, Jay swallowed nervously, “I leave tomorrow morning.” 

“Then we need to get moving!” Jelena exclaimed, “You’ve gotta get ready!”

“Wait,” Jay grabbed her wrist, and looked between the couple, “So you’re telling me that you’re fine with this, that you don’t find this all crazy? I lied.”

“And? So have I,” Toby replied, “Where do you think your brother is? He didn’t get in with the honest truth.” They were a breath of fresh air from Sandra, from Jack, from the world. The guilt inside of her that had been boiling up since she left the enlistment office calmed. 

She hated to have to ask, “You don’t think it’s a woman’s job to stay back?”

“Miss Rogers,” Jelena reprimanded, “This war’s gone on long enough because of the lack of a woman in the field, you’re doing us all a favor. Now, get up, we gotta get your things sorted.” Jay hadn’t really understood what that meant until Jelena basically forced her to strip down to her undergarments, examining the makeshift binder Jay’d used. Then Jelena murmured measurements to herself, before sending her downstairs for a good night's sleep.

And like a giddy child, Jay stayed awake until it was time for the sun to say hello to the world.  

As sure as Jay felt about her decision, there was still a drag on her spirit. The energy in her pace had returned, a spur in her mind that now planned out how to act once in enemy territory, but her blood turned cold every so often as if to remind her that her gut still twisted and turned inside. 

She’d be protecting Bucky; that was all that mattered. She’d find him, explain, and stay by his side until they returned home. Or they wouldn’t. But she’d be by his side. That was enough for her to live with. 

It wasn’t Ruth and Estelle; they’d be fine without her, and Toby promised her that he’d let them know of her trip down to Louisiana to tend to a family that didn’t quite exist. He’d help them out if she knew it. Another debt she owed to him. It was Becca who weighed on her. Her family, the twins, George and Winnifred. Everyone she’d grown up with, the babies that she’d watched come into the world. 

She’d promised Bucky to take care of them. That was the issue, though. How could she help them when the only thing that could was out fighting for his life? This was all that she could think of, because if she started working, she’d barely see them around anyway. With the war, nothing was made easy for the regular people left behind, and to survive meant turning your back on the people you cared most about.

She could guarantee Bucky’s safe return. 

But she had to tell someone. Not just Sandra, not just Toby and Jelena. Jay had to give someone hope. George would never let her go; he wouldn’t care about her threats, and Winnifred would break down to know she’d willingly go just to protect her son. It had to be Becca. And it broke Jay’s heart to have to place the knowledge on her shoulders, but someone had to know. She had to understand there was hope to keep their family chugging along. 

Hence, the early morning phone call with Jay still in her pajamas as she dialed the Barnes' phone, praying it would be the eldest daughter who picked up. She leaned against the wall, staring at a framed poster of Larry Gains, tapping the butt of the phone while she waited for Becca’s voice to fill her ears. 

“Hello?” Oh, thank God. 

“Becca, it’s Jay,” she said immediately, “Sorry for calling you so early.”

Becca chuckled on the other end, “It’s alright, I couldn’t sleep anyway.” Who could honestly? 

“I’m just going to get to the point,” Jay pinched the bridge of her nose, “I don’t wanna hold you.”

“What’s wrong?” The younger sister asked, and Jay heard shuffling before the phone finally settled. She imagined Becca had taken a spot on the couch just beside the phone, curled up in the dark, calm of their salon. “Did something happen?”

“You could say that,” Jay winced, knowing that stress was flooding Becca’s system, “I’m leaving.”

Before Becca could ask or protest, she explained, “I’ve enlisted, I went yesterday morning, I used my dad’s old clothes and cut my hair, and I lied on my forms. They took me, I’m leaving in a few hours.” A few beats passed, and the lump in Jay’s throat hadn’t budged. This could go completely wrong. Becca could go get her father right then, hang up, and call the police to let them know of a fraud

“I’m honestly not surprised.” Becca finally broke the silence, a stunned chuckle bubbling out of her as she shifted, and Jay let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. “So, why are you telling me?”

“I got assigned to the 107th,” Jay informed her, “Alongside Buck.”

“That’s great. Now, if I lose him, then I lose you too.”

Well, that was a hard statement to battle. Jay stuttered, trying to find a way to make it seem better than it was, but she couldn’t find the words to say that she’d make sure Bucky would return alive, whether she did or not as well. “Becca-”

“I’m not mad.”

“Well, it sounds like you are.”

Becca sighed, “I’m worried, I have the right to be.”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t be, just listen to me,” Jay told her, turning to face the poster of Theodore “Tiger” Flowers, who stared her down as though challenging her to a fight even in his death. She almost took up the offer, but focused on quelling the girl’s fears, “I’ll find him, and I’ll protect him, we’ll protect each other. I promise you that we’ll make it back home.”

“Don’t promise me anything, Jay, you ain’t Yahweh, you don’t know nothing.”

“Is that how you speak to your elders?”

Becca snorted, “To my elder of four years? Hell yeah.”

Jay cringed, waving the air in front of her as if something stunk, “Ooh, you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

“Alright, shut up… So what do you want me to tell them?” Rebecca got back to business, and Jay swallowed, because she wouldn’t give them a proper goodbye like she owed them. Looking down at her feet, Jay recalled what lie she’d told Sandra before it all fell apart.

Jay licked her drying lips, “Tell them that Toby’s got family down in Louisiana, and I went down to help ‘em out.”

“I can do that,” Becca replied, “With pride.” Jay smiled at that, her teeth gleaming even in the obscure gym, and she leaned her forehead against the wallpaper, sighing. “Do you think I have a chance, cause I’ve got a feeling I’m way in over my head.”

“All I’m gonna say is that you’ve always been better than Bucky, at everything, this ain’t much different.” 

Jay huffed, nodding, “Alright, but don’t get too down on your brother, he’s got some potential.”

“Not as much as you,” she responded with full force, her tone exposing the seriousness in her statement. Jay could only chuckle at that, hoping that Becca was wiser than her years. Bucky had wanted her to take over the business for a reason, and Jay’d witnessed many moments where the daughter proved herself. Unfortunately, she still had a degree to get before her father would ever consider her.

“I’ll send letters- better yet, I’ll call you. Maybe even get Buck on the phone.”

“Yeah, you do that, otherwise I’ll enlist myself to have a word.” They both burst out laughing, slapping their hands over their lips as they realized how loud they were being in the early hours of the morning, giggling like little girls. It had been so long since they’d been little girls, playing around with Winnifred’s makeup and stealing her dresses that drug across the floor when walking in a fashion show. 

“Get some sleep,” Jay told her, moving to hang up just as Becca said, “You first.”

When she returned to her room, she shoved a few last minute items. Jay finally took a nice hot shower that lasted the full fifteen minutes, no longer having to share with her brother. To wash her hair and body, it went by too quickly with how fast her soap lathered and washed out, within seconds she’d wrapped a towel around her body. 

A shrill shriek ripped out of her throat when Jelena shoved the door open to throw a piece of fabric at her, making her fumble to catch it before she slammed the door shut, “It’s better than that sorry excuse you wore yesterday.” 

Furrowing her eyebrows, Jay lifted the fabric to examine it. Clasps just like a bra, but on the inside, thicker fabric on the lower half and Jay realized it was a much better version of her binder. She called out, “Thank you!” She crossed into her room, throwing the door shut while dropping her towel to dress into her boxers, finally trying on the cloth. Her chest was not very large, and it had never been an issue since her thighs were fleshy at least for her own aesthetic while also making her job much easier. So the cloth pressed her torso flat, effectively shaping her into a typical man. 

She dug into her backpack, pulling out the folded uniform identical to the one Bucky greeted her with at the theater the day before he left. How did it all go wrong? In another life, she wouldn’t know what the suits looked like, the olive coloring and the baggy fit that awaited filling after the intense training. The hope that the soldiers would return and wear it proudly, broad shouldered and bearing a toothy grin that was proud of their work. But she knew that so many uniforms had been returned folded up, and she knew that that was very well a possibility in her future. 

It was strange pulling the slacks up, wrapping the belt around her waist to fasten before buttoning the light green shirt over her state issued tank top. Dress shoes sat at the bottom of the bag, as if there would be a time to wear them, but she’d told them her size and she shouldn't have been so surprised when she pulled them out to slide on. Finally, Jay turned to gaze at herself in the mirror. 

Her hair. The unruly curls. 

In Jay’s reflection, she spotted the damn can of gel that belonged to Bucky. Her blood ran cold when she realized that she’d have to use the thing she despised so very much, she could practically hear Bucky snickering at her when she snatched it up to lather into her hair, combing it over to the side. When she dropped her hands, throwing the can into her bag, Jay checked out the well groomed man staring back at her in the mirror. 

This could actually work. 

It was her birth right, to go die alongside her brother, to lay her life down. A man’s job, just as much as a woman’s. If her brother could lie then so could she. Why fight it? It was life’s natural course to die. Toby and Jelena expected her to return, but they didn’t understand that she wouldn’t be bothering them again. 

With a heavy heart, Jay shoved extra clothes into the bottom, packing her bag full of necessities, taking one last look before making her bed and shutting the lights off. Maybe she’d come back, maybe not. But she wouldn’t be back in this room to sleep again. There would be something greater for her, something that made her feel something rather than a numb buzz in her muscles. She wouldn’t take what the world offered her, she wouldn’t accept the bare minimum when there was so much they were withholding from her. 

Walking up the stairs, she avoided the creaky step in habit, meeting up with Jelena and Toby by the ring. They’d gotten dressed up, waiting in their Sunday best that sent a sense of Deja vu down her spine. Jelena handed her a sandwich, “You can’t go on an empty stomach.” 

“Of course not,” Jay agreed despite the lack of appetite. 

The sun was rising, and she remembered how she’d gotten ready to meet Bucky’s family, their slow brunch taking up the morning as they weren’t ready to let go. But Toby and Jelena were ready to send her off, ready for time alone, and Jay couldn’t find it in herself to blame them. Toby’s paranoid sigh signaled for them to follow him to the car, Jelena taking the passenger seat as Jay threw her bag in the trunk, rounding to sit in the center of the back seat, spreading her legs to rest her hands in the space between.

As the car rumbled with the turn of the key, Jay looked out of the window, memorizing the exterior of the gym she’d called home for the past four years. It was as though she were graduating, but there was no degree to award for the love she’d acquired in the time spent sweeping the floors and cooking dinners. Inside her soul, an unsatisfied need to join hands at the dinner table in prayer, despite her withering belief in God, made itself known, pressing at her trembling heart. 

The old windows, the wooden framing and the flaking gold writing on the windows announcing his business, Owen’s Gym- Giving ya what you’re owed. One day she’d come back and repaint the sign, join hands without fear and pledge herself to God before eating a simple supper, but that day was still on its way. 

When they reached the forest, it was straight on, the car pushing along the cement road until it turned to gravel. From her window, trees sped by even if they were planted firmly into the ground. Jelena turned on the radio, humming along to the tunes and patting her stomach along with the radio. 

Toby didn’t need to be told any directions. The surroundings nearly frightened her into thinking they were heading towards the orphanage, but it wasn’t really any different was it. From the moment they dropped her off, she’d be the only one to rely on, she’d truly be an orphan- the very thing she’d been running from since leaving in her parents’ arms. 

The camp came into view, she’d been here before. A quick wave of worry washed over her as she wondered if the guards would recognize her, if her voice would ring a bell since she’d asked to visit Bucky so many times before. Toby shut the car off, moving silently to help Jelena out while Jay pulled the trunk open, wearing her bag on her shoulders without letting it drag her down. 

Sell the act, play the part. 

She was worth ten of the men in the camp, only her own hesitance held her back. The three walked up to the gates, stopping only a couple of feet away from the guards. 

Jay turned around, facing the couple that had taken her and Steve in years ago. Tears threatened to fall, a solemn smile taking place on her face. Jay locked eyes with the blond woman in front of her, brown meeting blue. Jelena gave her a watery smile, holding her arms out. Jay stepped into her embrace, leaning over her swollen belly. Jelena squeezed her tight, sniffling as she pulled away. 

Jay wasn’t ready to let go, but she pulled back. Jelena had been one of her best friends, spending every day with her since Toby made Jay move in. Jelena cooked with her, gossiped and laughed with her. Jelena reminded her of her mother, strong and maternal. Jelena always felt the need to take care of her, nurture her. 

Jelena took Jay’s face into her hands, pressing a kiss to her forehead and Jay took it, even if she had to crouch for Jelena to reach. 

Passing her off to Toby, Jelena stepped back to lean against the car, taking a deep breath. 

The soldier turned, meeting Toby’s anxious expression and she let out a breathy chuckle, “Don’t look at me like that, I’ll be okay.” Toby tugged at his lip with his teeth, shakily exhaling, the wrinkles in his face deepening as she knew the worst took over his mind, causing Jay to reassure him, “I won’t let them win, Tobes, trust me.” 

Looking at him, being a father before his own child even came into the world. She realized she’d been the first daughter of his, the first one he’d taken in with such an urgent need to protect. He’d noticed the young need to survive in a world that had turned its back on her, and she hadn’t realized until just then that he cared more than she knew. She didn’t know what else to say, waiting for him to finally sigh, “Yeah- yeah I trust you.” 

His wide arms outstretched to engulf her in a hug that pained him more than soothed him because he would soon have to let go. It took Toby a while to let go and come to terms with her departure, but when he did, he didn’t do anything else. Jay stepped back just as Jelena had done, glancing between both of them before she stared at Jelena’s stomach. 

How had Steve done this without a goodbye? 

With people so desperate to keep him home?

“I won’t be here to help you,” Jay said regretfully. The woman was just about ready to pop.

“I’m gonna be taking care of her, don’t worry.” Toby reassured her with a thick voice, deepening his bass. Jay nodded, unsure of what else to do but tip her hat out of respect, finally saying, “You’ve changed my life.”

“Ditto, kid,” Toby replied with a half smile, squeezing Jelena’s shoulder in a soothing pulse. 

Jay cracked a grin at that, her eyes crinkling, “Don’t call me, kid.”

“Alright, soldier,” Jelena saluted to her with her first two fingers, a tear slipping down her cheek that Jay didn’t point out. She raised her hands to her straps, tugging as she glanced down at the ground, then up at the sky, and finally back to the couple. 

“I’ll see you around,” Jay told them, finally turning away to walk up to the booth, handing her file in, unable to look back. She pulled out her dog tags from under her blazer to let the guards jot down the information. Then they pushed the gate open to let her in, guiding her through the border with a woman dressed in uniform, but nothing with a title as they barely even spared her a word other than the order to take Jay in.

She heard the car sputter alive outside in the forest, and to keep her eyes forward, Jay asked the woman, jogging to keep up with her fast, furious pace, “I’m not late, am I?”

Chapter Text

Jay got the idea that soldiers lived in poverty, but the stench was despicably unforgivable. She’d brushed off the smell to the wilderness, but she was proven wrong when the woman led her into her designated bunks, and the enclosed space trapped her inside the cloud of humid odor. Holding her breath, she walked over to the bottom bunk to set her bag down with an awkward cough, returning to the woman who stood by the foot. 

“You’ll need to change, and find Colonel Emmett- he’ll be your superior,” she quipped, clasping her fists in front of her politely, tilting her chin up the way Jay knew was to prove she held a position above her. Jay had to remind herself that she was not a woman here; she wasn’t a calming presence for any woman, and she had to be okay with that.

That didn’t deter her from nodding, “Thank you, Miss.”

The woman in uniform was young when Jay took a good look at her. Red-haired, with green eyes that she’d only seen in the summer grass. Her hair, pulled back into a tight, perfect bun, blazed like fire even in the dark of the bunks. She had an upturned nose and freckles that stood out across her pale skin; no makeup she wore could have hidden the dark bags under her eyes. 

She stood straight, shoulders back, and turned on her short heels to walk back out, her movements constricted by the pencil skirt that Jay’d avoided by simply turning into a man. A click of the door told her she was finally alone, and the light shut off in the dormitory. Jay turned in her spot, taking in her surroundings. It was stacked to the brim with bunks, the length of the building lined by bunks on each side, barely a yard of space between each bed. 

It was a very tight space. Jay stepped into an aisle, her bed had been stationed next to a window. A pattern, every fourth bed had a window, a simple square window that allowed natural light to flow into the room. In between each bed was a nightstand. Bending over, she pulled the top drawer, struggling to get it open, and jumped when it slammed open. A bible, some coins, and deodorant- though it didn’t smell like it had ever been used- rolled around inside. Jay tried the bottom, nodding in understanding when it was empty. 

She’d handle that later, unpack later. 

Kneeing the drawer closed, Jay unbuttoned her blazer, throwing it onto her bed. She shed her layers, pulling her shoes and slacks off. If she were to be living here, she had to be comfortable. It would cause concern when she refused to strip down to at least her undergarments. Teeth biting into her lip, she hissed when the cold metal of her dog tags zapped her skin. Digging through her bag, Jay pulled out the plain white shirt, unfolding it and sliding it over her tank top. She pulled her arms under the shirt, maneuvering the tank top to pull out from the collar, tossing it to sit on her suit. Finally, she pulled on her cargo pants before lacing her combat boots on tight. 

Jay didn’t want to waste any more time, but she couldn’t leave without checking the amenities. 

A single toilet and sink. In a closet. That was it. There wasn’t even a light. 

Jay cringed, accepted it, and walked out with her head high. 

—

It turned out to be a maze. 

Jay felt like a lab rat, rushing through the base in desperation, she could smell the cheese, yet couldn’t quite find it. With the seconds ticking, Jay grew more and more panicked, knowing that she was amazingly late for the class being just a few minutes from her group. 

She had to give in to her wounded pride within minutes, stopping a brunette passing by, “Hey, do you know where Colonel Emmett is? I’m in his squad.” 

The man stopped, red in the face from whatever exercise he’d been doing, panting as sweat dripped down his tan skin. He looked around, checking if she’d been talking to him, to which she clarified, “Yeah, you.”

He pointed a finger at himself, raising his eyebrows, and then nodding. Stopping in the center of the plains between the bunks, he planted his hands on his hips, pulling at his shirt to fan himself in the sticky air. “Oh, uh, you new ‘round ‘ere?” 

Lord, where was this man from, and why did he sound like he had been plucked right off of a farm? She shoved her surprise down and nodded, “I’m a little lost, it’s my first day.” His eyebrows shot through his hairline, and a smile spread across his face. 

His forehead creased, and he squinted, his smile deforming when he asked, “I’m sorry about that, when’d you come in?” Jay imagined him in old denim overalls and a plaid button-up, a sprout of wheat between his teeth in the same position he stood before her. Yep, a rancher of some sort.

“Just an hour ago,” she answered, “The lady who brought me in didn’t tell me exactly where to go, so I was hoping you’d be able to help me.”

He looked back to where he’d come from, and the troop he’d been walking behind, then back to her, nodding, “I ain’t gonna go back to my troop anytime soon. They’re kicking the shit out of me with these exercises. I think I saw Emmett down by the river, that way,” he pointed through the forest, and she followed his line of sight to spot the faint glint of the water. 

She thanked him, hurrying off, confused when she heard him snickering as he jogged off behind her.

Colonel Emmett was, in fact, not there. He had been nowhere near the banks, not even in the forest. Her troop had been set up across the camp near the entrance, facing away from the nightmare-inducing gates she’d previously walked through. Jay panted, having sprinted when she overheard her name in an attendance check, “Jay Rogers!”

She threw herself into line with the other men, clasping her hands into fists by her side, “Here!”

It was a secluded little clearing, an opening between the trees that Colonel Emmett had decided to set up in, but when she’d stepped through the entrance, she realized the military had prepped the clearing, engineers had planned this out with the rectangular shape it took on. The grass was dying out, only strings of roots clinging onto the dirt in the center of the field, while the edges were overgrown with weeds and tall strands that reminded them this was nature’s territory. They were only borrowing. 

Jay’d gotten a glimpse of the setup when she’d walked in, all of her fellow soldiers had been rigid in a line, eyes tilted up towards the blue sky. So she did the obvious thing and copied them, tilting her chin. 

In complete judgment, Colonel Emmett lowered his clipboard from which he read off of, peering at her with crinkled eyebrows, “Nice of you to finally join us. You made it just in time for me to tell you that if you’re to be one of my soldiers, you’re not to be late.” 

Jay gave him a firm nod, setting off a bomb. He stalked over to her, stepping just inches away from her face, his lips curling in his dark beard, “Answer me!” His menacing grey eyes mimicked the common weather that consumed Brooklyn, and his unruly eyebrows pushed together. He intended to frighten her into submission.

The loud, arrogant voice shocked her, and unfortunately, Jay flinched, her face contorting as she blinked. He waited expectantly, staring at her, and she nearly rolled her eyes when she replied with a shout, “Yes, sir!” She met his eyes with an unamused look, and he had nothing else to say since she was the last of his men.

He only nodded, turning on his heel to clasp his hands behind his back, “Better.

There was another man in a hat, an assistant, Jay assumed that he handed the clipboard back to him as he turned, taking in his many soldiers. “I am Colonel Emmett!” His hands remained clasped behind his back, straightening his shoulders as his wide frame intimidated the bunch. He was muscular and strangely young, only a few greys peppering his beard, and his black hair was tamed by gel, slicked back to keep out of his face.

Atop his head sat a hat that looked similar to the boats she’d make out of her homework in elementary, and he wore a light tan long-sleeved sleeve that buttoned up his muscled torso, the slacks matching what lay on her bunk as of the moment. 

“This troop has been assigned to my supervision, and I will be your Colonel for the duration of this war and as long as I survive it!” His bellowing voice echoed through the woods until Jay was sure the city heard him, “This man beside me is Lieutenant Kramer, he’ll be your primary in making you all better men and soldiers.”

Jay almost winced at his loud voice. He paced the length of the line, slow kicks in front of the other. 

“I’m not here to tell you about myself like it’s the first day of kindergarten, I’ve got other troops to tend to, but I do have one thing to say before we get started.” He stopped in his tracks right in front of Jay. Colonel Emmett stepped towards Jay, leaving only inches between their faces, “You are nothing until you prove yourself to be something! Whether that be positive, or negative!” 

Staring into his chest as he glared down at her, Jay didn’t falter. She didn’t cringe at him yelling into her face, nothing caused her to react. Men yelling, what a surprise, what a once-in-a-lifetime experience. She stared into his neck for a few seconds, and when he didn’t back down, she lifted her stare up to his eyes. Even as tall as she was, he still had nearly a foot over her. A big man, to say the least. 

She understood why he’d become a colonel at such a visibly young age, he’d probably been the perfect soldier. And now he was bullying her, trying to embarrass her in front of people she’d be living with. They all thought she was weak within the first ten minutes. 

But Colonel Emmett would know her strong stare, and he did, because he huffed a short breath when she stared into his eyes, unwavering, refusing to give another reason to think that she was weak. The man stood still for a couple of seconds as if he was waiting for her to react but when he was satisfied, he backed off. That was not before he ordered, “Give me a lap.” 

They had not stepped off on the right foot. No, she’d definitely stepped on his toes with the way he already hated her. 

Unfortunately, Jay could not argue her way out of this, her fault, her consequence. Jay stepped out of the formation, breaking off into a jog around the large field, picking her arms up around her ribs while running. She turned the corners exactly, unwilling to be called out once more for a few feet shorter of a path. The humid air stuck to her neck, clinging to her as she panted. 

Maybe she was actually related to Steve with the short gasps she took in. Damn, she was out of shape. The last time she’d run had been away from the scene where her brother abandoned her. Jay’d pushed the hyperventilation onto the panic-induced frenzy Steve put her in, but as she fell back into line, she pondered if that really was the case. 

During her lap, she fell into her thoughts, but was rudely interrupted with a gun shoved into her hands. Jay furrowed her eyebrows, stumbling back as she looked down at the shiny black metal that weighed her palm down. She held it away from her, pointing down to the ground. It was a nicer gun than hers, newer. Automatic. 

Colonel Emmett’s unimpressed stared bored into her, turning to point into the trees, “Shoot the Nazi.” Jay squinted to follow his line of sight, huffing a breath when she noticed the circular archery target that had been repurposed in the name of preserving resources. 

Guns were familiar, always a part of her life, either from the police in the streets, men who were not to be hung around, or herself. Toby’ bought her first weapon, taught her how to use it, and hid it in their prohibition liquor cabinet, obscured from plain sight. So the weight of the handle didn’t frighten her, nor did it throw her off when she shoved the magazine thrown at her into the butt, cocking it without a moment passing before raising it to eye level with a straight, strong arm. 

He put it into such simple terms that a guinea pig could understand the concept, but that was what she was. She was proving she could ignore the humanity standing before her in the form of a target. Shoot the Nazi. Shoot a man. Shoot someone- a soul. 

Do what she’d been told was only in God’s hands. Was God controlling her? Practicing now for what would be a real person in the future? Jay’d never carried a weapon with the intention of shooting to kill, even when she’d been stopped by that man, she only shot to the sky. To inflict fear, not death. 

She hesitated. What did this mean? It was just a target. Just a sheet of cloth, painted circles. There was no beating heart behind the thin layer, nor a family connected miles away. There weren’t wishes and dreams that she’d be ending. 

“Are you sure you’ve got what it takes?” Colonel Emmett snarked, breaking her out of her thoughts. She flicked her eyes back to him, then back to the target, nearly wilting. All eyes were on her, and she had no response. Think, Jay, think. Of course I do , she should have said. But instead she asked, “Do I have to shoot?” 

“No, you don’t.” Colonel Emmett crossed his arms, leaning back on his hips. Lowering the gun, she squeezed the handle to remind herself it was real.

Then he moved to stand in front of her for what seemed the thousandth time that day, “So, what do you plan to do on the battlefield?” He raised a bushy eyebrow.

“There are other ways to get a man down,” she answered earnestly, switching the weapon between her hands, staring down to watch it hop. 

“And those are?” Colonel Emmett inquired furthermore, his voice gruff and unsure. Finally, she switched the gun over to her dominant left hand, fiddling with the trigger before looking back up at him with an awkward expression.

“Well, it’s a sensitive area,” she glanced down to his waist, and motioned a jerk of her knee to send the message, “I can play dirty.” The men beside her snickered, others groaning at the idea, but Colonel Emmett didn’t twitch, nor bat an eye. He only argued, “They’ll get back up and end the fight for good, ain’t no one going to look out for you out there.”

Toby said the same thing in the ring. Play the dirtiest you can because it’ll finish the fight. In war, she guessed that meant ending a life. “There are other ways, I don’t have to shoot.”

“That may be true,” Emmett agreed, “Maybe you don’t have any reason to survive, just a few nice meals before you go out in honor, a bed, a uniform, but when it comes down to it, “ he paced away, walking down the line of men, barely giving them a glance, “This war will not end if you do not shoot!”

He was cocky, arrogant. All the things she despised in a man, especially when it wasn’t necessary. “If you do not put those Nazis down, they will kill you! And they will kill our spirit! Our pride, our home!” She’d stared out at the target standing across from her between each word. Just cloth, not a heart. 

Then, just as he turned on his heel, beginning to march back down to her, he shouted, “And your death will be tarnished with failure !”

It was those final words that forced her arm to sling up, parallel with the grass, and rapid tugs of the hairpin trigger, quickly slinging out bullets straight through the faded yellow center of the man she’d soon be facing. Three, four, skip a few, nine bullets raced across space to break the fabric and the sound barrier. The force of the releases kicked force into her bones, shooting through her shoulder with each pull, the recoil barely noticeable with the way she engaged her core, a strong stance naturally taking over her body.

Satisfied, she lowered the gun, unloading its magazine. The soldiers beside her had leapt in surprise, yelping at the loud bangs, but when she turned her gaze back over to them, they all stood wide-eyed, staring at the clear shots that hadn’t missed by even an inch. Just beside her, a man with jet black hair and a crooked nose trembled, his eyes squeezing shut. Jay barely eyed him, it was natural to be afraid.

Mimicking her colonel, she raised her eyebrows and tossed the magazine underhanded. Everyone craned their necks to watch the black plastic fly through the air, and to their surprise, even Jay’s, the Colonel caught it. It was with a simple stretch of his hand, opening his palm up toward the sky for it to land, before his claws curled around the rectangular component. He was the one to break the gaze he shared with his soldier, lowering his eyes to the object he held, analyzing it. His entire body turned to face her target, his lips curled downwards as he shrugged with his lips.

Then he simply ordered another batch of magazines to hand out to the rest of the men in line and disappeared from the field, leaving the troop to Lieutenant Kramer’s wrath.

—

The physical exertion Kramer put the troop through on their first day must have been grounds to investigate his ethics, but unfortunately no one had the balls to speak up. 

Until noon, he ran them weary to the bone, ordering his soldiers to sprint across the field, running back to him in the peak heat of the hot Autumn day. The men beside Jay clutched their stomachs groaning as it churned but dropped to the ground to give Kramer ten for the ‘unnecessary’ noise- the whining was not welcomed even when the particularly frightened man who’d stood beside her ran off to the weeds to retch up his breakfast. 

It was only the first day and it seemed Lieutenant Kramer intended to break his men down.  It was absolutely out of Jay’s capability, but she forced herself to swallow the nausea and keep up. 

Thankfully, it became more of Jay’s thing when the rest of the day had been filled by tests, paper tests. It was much more her speed when they got into single file, and followed their lieutenant over to the cafeteria where he sat them in rows, facing the door toward the sunlight to keep the facility lights off. 

He handed out pencils, and the first exam began. First, reading comprehension, then math, and finally science. 

Each test consisted of at least seventy questions, and everyone was given two hours to finish. The worst part was when Jay finished her test, she couldn’t start the next one. And she was the first to finish. Every. Single. Time. 

So Jay sat in misery until everyone finished their tests. Her stomach twisted as the sun had poisoned her, and the lack of air conditioning only made her feel sick. It was why she finished her exams so quickly; the waves rolling in her gut were threatening her intellect, so she got it over with before she made a mess all over the exam.  

Lieutenant Kramer collected the exams when the timer went off, startling the ladies who set up for dinner, setting up extra tables, when he shouted, “Head back to your bunks! Dinner starts in an hour!”

Jay took her time walking back to the cabin, the world spinning around her. 

In all of the training, the non stop moving, Jay had gotten no time to think. From the moment she got her papers, she had been moving non-stop, and now that she was here, after all of the chaos and in the solemn silence of the base as her fellow soldiers washed away the grime of their tough day, it swirled around her brain, suffocating her. 

Jay stopped in her tracks, just by the communal bathrooms where that farmer told her the wrong directions that she was still unsure of whether it was a prank or not. And she was still unsure of whether or not she could even use the bathrooms, if there was a separate colored bathroom she was unaware of. But she was rooming with white men. She still was hesitant. She wasn’t exactly willing to be beaten to a pulp for washing her hands in a sink. 

Her boots creased the grass as she shifted in her spot, taking in the fact that she was really there- it wasn’t a dream. Jay’s eyes lifted to the sky, pink mixing with the light blue in streaks that reminded her of the reason she’d come in the first place. She had to find Bucky. Just how she would do that, she had no clue. She barely found her own troop in time, and Bucky hadn’t exactly given her a tour on the rare occurrence that she visited. 

Jay wandered for a while, eyed the bathrooms, still unsure of whether she could use the facility, and once soldiers started to flow out of the bunks towards the cafeteria with freshly washed hair and a fresh set of sweats on, she decided to head back to her bunk.

Only a few stragglers remained, but they didn’t bother her when she pushed the doors open, swiping at the sweat dripping down her exposed neck. Her boots squelched across the tiled floor, and she made a point to hastily grab a towel from the stack by the bathroom before heading out to the communal showers she’d noticed attached to the sides of their bunks. 

Jay shuffled through her bag, grabbing her spare pajamas, a fresh white shirt and shorts made of white cotton. 

She showered quickly. Typically, she took her time under the water, until it ran cold. But once she’d gotten a good look at the hose hoisted up on the wall, and the poorly lifted cement base, Jay decided to change her routine. Quickly, she washed her body, scrubbed her feet, and dried herself off all while hidden behind the curtain and dressing herself before she returned back to her bunk to put her things away. 

All alone, Jay realized her uniform which she’d thrown across her mattress was nowhere to be found. She was drying her hair with her towel when she let out a, “Huh?” Jay checked her backpack, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion because she’d just peeled it off of her body that morning. Who could have touched it?  It was when she’d almost given up, and started to store away her hygiene products, pulling open her bottom drawer that she found her uniform crumbled up.

Atop it was a note, scribbled messily, There are rules, fold your shit or we’ll throw it away.

Jay huffed a scoff, murmuring, “Alright assholes, got the message.” So she folded her uniform, put it away in her bag before hanging it up on the free pole of their metal bunk bed just like all of the others did.

When she emerged for dinner, the sun had already set and the night settled upon them. She was the last to enter the cafeteria, now lit and a beacon of light that attracted her across the camp. The women from before greeted her with a smile, handing her a tray holding cold beans and a milk carton, wishing her a good night before beginning to pack up.

The cafeteria was full, bustling with laughter and her eyes swept over the crowds lining each table for a familiar face. Maybe Bucky. She couldn’t spot him, and if she stood too long, she’d draw attention to herself in a way she certainly did not want. 

Then she spotted a perfect opening. There he was, the frightened man from before. The one who’d flinched from her rounds of shots, who’d then missed by a longshot when handed the gun. And he sat all alone in the center, the men around him having formed a bubble. So she marched through the aisle, and with her stomach rumbling, Jay plopped down in the seat across from him. 

The brunette jumped, nearly choking on the beans he chewed on. 

Jay cracked a small smile, “This seat isn’t taken, right?”

“Nah,” the man responded sheepishly, his eyes lowering as he glanced at the empty seats around him, “Seat’s all yours.”

“Thanks, I didn’t want to sit with those assholes over there.” Jay pointed over her shoulder, “What’s your name, I didn’t quite catch it earlier.”

Rather than ignoring her, he huffed a laugh, “M’name’s Frank, Frank Tobbs.” Jay smiled, looking up at him. She reached a hand out to him over the table, “Nice to meet you, I’m Jay.” 

Frank grinned, throwing out a hand and shaking her outreached one. “You got a last name with that?”

Then letting go, Jay finally glanced down at her tray. She cringed at the bland food, beans and crackers. The food was still hot, but it just looked downright depressing. Jay took the provided salt and pepper, dumping it into the beans and stirring it with her spoon. “Yeah, it’s Rogers.”

Frank and Jay ate, conversing when they weren’t stuffing their mouths with beans. 

“Say… do you have a brother?”

Jay’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline in complete shock, her eyes widening as though she were a deer in headlights. Jaw dropping open for a moment, she then snapped it shut, “Uh, yeah, how’d you guess?” 

“You serious? Everyone knows him!” Frank chuckled, and Jay’s nausea from before returned and it wasn’t because of the stale beans. What had Steve done? Was he dead? It hadn’t even been a month. 

Jay stuttered, “I mean, every big bully in Brooklyn knows him because he can’t keep his mouth shut but I don’t think everyone knows him.”

Frank had to laugh, hitting his hand against the table as if Jay were so funny, “Steve was in this project, I mean, he became the market man for the war! You’ve gotta be fucking around with me, everyone knows him!”

“Huh,” she huffed, shrugging, “I didn’t know.”

Then she forced herself to take another bite of beans, trying to finish her dinner. As she took a cracker between her fingers, about to break when she overheard a laugh, “Barnes, you’re gonna get your ass handed back to you if one of the colonels hear that!” The cracker in her hand snapped, the crumbs falling into the table. She craned her neck to look around and over Frank’s head. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, but Jay’s eyes had locked onto a bright smile she’d been missing dearly for weeks. 

Bucky was there. 

Glad to have eaten most of her food, Jay felt her appetite vanish and the nausea intensify. 

She had gone pale, eyes wide. Frank noticed her change, moving to get in Jay’s gaze. In all of his glory, Bucky sat at the table behind Frank, alongside the farmer who she’d asked directions for, facing towards her but unknowing of her existence. Jay’s ducked away, hiding behind her new friend as she bent over and shoveled more food against her will, feeling the world spin around her because it was as if she had been in withdrawals for weeks, and now she was relapsing- and she didn’t know if she was ready for the high. 

Just a second of his bright grin, the crinkles by his eyes, and the seemingly easy expression he wore that Jay’d longed to look at for weeks, managed to block out any noise. 

She wasn’t ready, damn it, she wasn’t ready to talk to him. And explain how she ended up here? But his laugh infiltrated her senses. “You good? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Frank asked her and Jay wanted to say that she did, she wanted to believe it too. But Bucky wasn’t dead, and he wasn’t going to be anytime soon, not on her watch. 

Maybe she’d never let him know of her existence, work from the shadows, keep him safe all while he has no clue. When Jay didn’t respond, Frank got worried, “Jay? Are you okay?” His voice was louder. Even in her frozen, overthinking state, Jay wanted to shout at him to shut up, but then she’d draw more attention to herself. 

The chuckles from Bucky’s table died down, an eerie silence taking over their section while the rest of the soldiers continued their dinners. Over Frank’s shoulder she saw their heads turn, and Bucky’s face popped out to see the commotion, his eyes curious. Jay ducked instantly, and Frank furrowed his eyebrows. “Rogers? Earth to Rogers!” Frank waved a hand in front of Jay’s face, hoping to snap her out of it. 

Jay shook her head, and finally straightened, there went being stealthy. 

Meeting Jay’s eyes, Bucky’s jaw dropped, his ears turning red. She stared at him with a panicked expression before she blinked, finally breaking out of her trance and looked at Frank. “I was just thinking about Steve,” She made up an excuse, “I think I’m gonna go to bed, see you at the bunks.” 

Frank nodded, “You sure? Okay, I’ll, uh, see you later. Goodnight.”

She returned the farewell, hastily picking her tray up to hand it over to the ladies picking up after the men, thanking her before hastily heading towards the exit. Jay had to force herself to slow down so her legs didn’t give out. Just get to the bunks, maybe he didn’t see her. 

Someone shouted behind her but she couldn’t hear just what they said over her heart pounding in her ears.  The person who had shouted for her, closed in as she finally heard them clearly, “Jay!”

Jay didn’t respond, pushing herself to run. Shit. 

It was undeniably Bucky, and all she knew was that she wasn’t ready. Her legs, despite all of the running earlier that day, broke out into a sprint. Her bunks would be a dead end. Jay was smarter than her friend, at least Becca believed so, and the forest was dark enough to lose him. Hell, she’d gotten lost earlier that morning thanks to the farmer who she apparently had a friend in common with. Had he told Bucky about her?

The moment she got under the trees, sprinting between their trunks, Jay made jagged movements to throw him off but his footsteps still remained close behind her. She shouldn’t have been surprised, he’d learned all of her tricks while playing in the streets together.  

“Jay! Jay, stop!” his voice called out, and Jay’s thighs burned when her pace accelerated. Both her body and Bucky wanted her to stop. See, she'd never been one to listen. 

The issue was that she didn’t know the woods herself, because just like she did earlier that day, she ended up at the river, skidding to a halt when she noticed the moonlight glistening off of the slow current. 

Jay finally gave up, stopping and dropping her head down her chin to take in a deep, calming breath though it didn’t work. Then she raised her head to take in the scenery, before turning in her spot, feeling the sand sink and the water rush around the heel of her boots. This would have been beautiful in any other circumstance, maybe she’d smile, maybe feel relieved that her best friend was okay. 

Bucky stood between the final trees skirting the shore, his bottom half visible in the night light but his face hidden by the shadows, and Jay could only think about just how terrifyingly beautiful he was. 

His hands clenched into fists, but his facial expressions, save for a sniff, she couldn’t make out. This time when Bucky repeated her name, it was in confusion. He wore the same clothes as Jay, sweatpants and a cotton shirt, only he stretched out the sleeves from his toned figure. Jay looked more of a scrawny boy with the way her shirt draped over her shoulders. His muscular arms hung at each side of his torso. 

This was the same Bucky she had said goodbye to only weeks before. 

Hesitantly, he took a step forward, revealing himself.  Jay sucked in a tense breath, God, he was gorgeous. His eyes were glossy, blue as the ocean, when he met her eyes once more, but he looked as analytical as he did devastated, as though he were trying to figure out if this was reality. Jay didn’t dare move, letting him decide in real time what to do. 

But she couldn’t lie, it was agonizing to keep herself still and stoic until he suddenly rushed forward, arms reaching for Jay as he pulled her into a hug. Jay instantly wrapped her arms around his waist as he held her by her shoulders, pulling her body into his warmth. 

Tears rushed to her eyes, it was a relief to be back in Bucky’s arms. So enclosed, Jay could feel his heart pounding through their ribs, and she breathed in his freshly showered scent. The moment was short lived as she didn’t expect him to pull back, pushing her back an inch to look at her, making her shift her balance as the water started to rise around her shoes. Anger sizzled in his pupils, causing Jay to stutter before finally using her voice, “Buck, I can explain-” 

Unfortunately, Jay couldn’t brace for impact when she was cut off by his two hands shoving her back and into the water. 

Chapter Text

The electric shock of the freezing water pulled the plug on any coherent thoughts forming in her brain, only a yelp slipping past her lips as her arms flailed in failing attempts to grab at Bucky. Another time, they would have been swimming in the lake behind the orphanage, probably only a few miles away, but this time it was just Jay stumbling back into the deepening river. Freshwater crashed around up to her knees from the staggering steps back she took until her body fully tipped backwards, falling victim to gravity. 

Jay didn’t have time to close her mouth, choking on the water rushing in as she accidentally tried to breathe underwater. While she fought to get her head up over the geriatric current, Jay’s body twisted and turned. Finally, Jay managed to get herself sitting on stable sand, pushing her upper body up by her fists to emerge and shake her head. Coughing, Jay spat out any water remaining in her mouth, gritting her teeth, the sand between making her gag. “What was that for?” 

“What the Hell are you doing here?” Bucky demanded, ignoring her question as he loomed over her and stepped into the water until his boots submerged. She swallowed. She had been avoiding him for this reason. “I enlisted.” It was the most blatant, yet informative answer she could give him, but once the words left her lips, she felt as stupid as an ape. 

Bucky scoffed, “Oh really? I didn’t know. I just thought the US government just changed its mind and started drafting women. No shit, Jay!” He threw his hands down, completely furious to even be speaking to her. She was supposed to be home, that’s what Bucky thought.

“At least I wasn’t drafted,” Jay remarked, swiping at the wet hair sticking to her forehead, suddenly feeling the childish need to win the argument. She began to force herself to stand, holding her arms to balance when she stood in waters nearly waist high. 

“Of course you weren’t drafted! Do you think I’m an idiot?” Bucky’s voice rose, the veins in his neck protruding as his lips curled in a furious snarl.

“Sometimes,” Jay muttered to herself, as she turned her eyes down to wring out her shirt, “Yes, I just walked into the office as is, and demanded they let me enlist! No! I disguised myself. Can’t you tell?” The woman waved a hand over her head, referring to her new cut, and Bucky only seemed to get angrier at the sight. 

“What did you do to your hair?” Bucky bit out, pushing a foot forward, creating waves as he almost approached her. Jay glowered, the answer obvious. Then, Bucky crossed the space to grab her by the wrist, yanking her closer to him. His eyes flicked over her face and her hair, and his stare was as intense as his words: “You have to leave; you can’t be here.” 

“I'm not leaving,” Jay refused.

Bucky’s chin jutted out as though he were confused, tense as he told her, “You have to.” 

“No, I don’t.” 

Bucky huffed, “What if they catch you? What do you do then? You’ll go to jail!” 

“Then I don’t have to worry about retirement.” Jay half-joked, yet she wasn’t amused. Then Bucky shifted forward, and she held her hands up, warning, “Don’t you dare push me.” 

“That’s the least of your worries,” Bucky snapped, giving her a sharp look, and she sighed, “Yeah, maybe you’re right, Buck, but here’s the thing, I don’t want to go back.”

Halfway through the sentence, Bucky opened his mouth to say, “Aha!” But then he heard the rest of her sentence, sulking in response. “Why not?” 

“I’m alone back home! You left, Steve left, and to be frank, I never liked it back there!” Jay loved the people she met and hung out with; that was never the problem. It was just the fact that she couldn’t do anything. There was nothing left back there for her, no one to see, no work to find, nothing to do. A woman had no right to do a thing without a man on her side, and for a black woman to walk out alone was asking for someone to mess with her.

It was by Bucky’s expression that she knew she’d said something wrong.

“What do you mean Steve left?” Bucky asked. Oh, he didn’t know. 

“He left, Bucky,” Jay revealed, watching his head shake in confusion, “You remember that night at the Expo? The night he enlisted? He got in, they took him.” Jay tried to get his wandering gaze in control, moving with his shaking head and grabbing his shoulders. “He got into the army. That’s why he didn’t show up that morning. I found out when I got home, he packed his things up while we were gone, and had an officer by his side to make sure I couldn’t do anything about it, but let him leave.” Her voice had grown thick in explaining it to Bucky, shame spreading through her body as she remembered how she’d taken the news, how horribly she’d acted when Steve left her.

“He actually got in?” Bucky whispered, dumbfounded and wrecked by the news. 

“That’s why I’m here!” 

Bucky’s eyes snapped back to meet her eyes, and his nose scrunched. Jay couldn’t fight him when he shoved her back into the water once again. It was the reminder of her existence that had made him snap. She submerged once again, angrily shouting curses at him as she rolled onto her hands, turning in the rushing water that attempted to drown her. “Can you stop that?” Jay barked, crawling on all fours before sitting on her knees. 

Wiping at her face, Jay pushed her hair back, finally looking up at Bucky, who paced in the shallow water. Jay heard spastic mutters as he looked around. His hand went to the back of his head, gripping the short hairs covering his scalp. “Hello?” she sang, pounding a fist into the water, and Bucky didn’t respond- he didn’t even look at her. “Buck!”

Bucky spun around, splashing her with his boots, his words harsh, “This was never supposed to happen! I’m the one who’s supposed to be in the army. I’m the only one who enlisted legally, the only one who got drafted. You lied on your forms! You should be back in Brooklyn with Steve, Toby, and Jelena, safe, not in this boot camp! This isn’t a back alley where you pick up after your brother’s mess, this is war!”

Jay had expected a negative response from Bucky, but this was not what she imagined. So she didn’t react. Jay didn’t try to argue her side, defend herself. He’d said the same sort of thing to her brother. Again, Jay hated sympathizing with the blonde.

She didn’t say anything, keeping her face stoic. She only stared up at him through her brows, keeping her chin tucked to her chest where she leaned back on her hands with her knees poking out of the surface of the river rushing around her. 

That said enough, the longer Bucky fell victim to her defiant eyes, the weaker his persistence became. After a good second, Bucky’s shoulders fell from their tense position as he let out a defeated sigh, “Fine. You’re not going to listen to me either way.” 

His best friend tilted her head, “I thought you would have understood that after a couple of years.”

Bucky pressed his lips together. “Yeah, well, I guess I keep thinking I can change your mind.”

“Ain’t no one got that power,” Jay told him, “Not even you. You’re lucky I’m on your side.” She held her left hand out to him, shivering slightly from the icy water, “Help me up.” 

As always, Bucky couldn’t refuse. It was something about Jay, at least she figured, that he physically couldn’t resist. It wasn’t like Becca, whom he so easily told no or shrugged off. If it were his sister in the river, he would have been stomping off to the camp by then, but Jay kept him grounded there, huffing and shaking his head as he bent over to lend a hand. It was when Jay eyed his outstretched hand that Bucky knew he had made a mistake, and couldn’t do anything to fix it because she’d already clapped her palm into his to pull him off balance with a strong, sharp tug. 

At first, Bucky’s boot slid. Then he stumbled, bending forward to counter the force, but the mud and the water pushed him down. He crashed atop her, grunting and shouting, “Damn you, Jay!” 

She laughed as she slid out from under him, twisting his shirt under her fist to keep him steady as he sat up, “That’s what you get.” She beamed at him, an easy feeling coming over her. Bucky was really here, just under her hands, his heart beating and alive. Bucky didn’t have it in him to stay angry, not when he was this close to her, her hands on his shoulders the way she knew he’d wanted the night of the Expo. 

Jay rushed in first, her head nudging between his neck and shoulder, wrapping her arms around him with a relieved sigh. A smile spread across her lips, and she swore she felt his heart palpitate under his ribs from where their chests pressed together. He lifted his hands out of the water, droplets chiming in a song as he grasped her bulky waist to lean into. “I’ve… missed you.” 

“Oh really?” He grinned sideways, pulling back to stare into her eyes. His eyes crinkled, nearly obscuring that beautiful blue she adored, and her forearms rested on his shoulders, her hands clasping together around his neck. 

“Yeah,” she answered truthfully, “What? You ain’t miss me?” 

“Nah, not really,” Bucky shrugged, laughing when she feigned offense, “I’m just kidding. I missed you more than anything,” he blushed, hoping the white moonlight washed him out, “You were all I thought about, m’not myself without you.” His voice had turned low and sultry, nearly melting her with the hot breath fanning across her face, minty from the freshly brushed teeth, and she wondered if he’d eaten the dinner. She knew she smelled of stale beans, which nearly made her pull away, but his body's proximity and gravity kept her in place.

His face swayed, almost as though he were leaning in, then forced himself to put distance. His eyes flickered down to her lips, lingering. Her breath caught in her throat, lost in a trance. It was the fear that he’d never return that night that made her deny him, but with his safety confirmed, Jay wondered if it would be beneficial to do anything.

Jay placed a hand on his chest, pushing him back, glancing down shamefully as Bucky cleared his throat. Not until they were out of the war, not until she returned him back to his family in one piece. Guilt washed over her with the stream, screaming at her to do something to alleviate the awkward tension between their bodies. “You got me all wet,” she complained, and Bucky had to laugh at that, looking down at their situation. 

“You got me back for it.” 

“Damn right I did,” she agreed, assessing their surroundings to finally roll onto her knees and stand with a grunt. Bucky was right behind her, trudging to the sand to plop down, letting themselves dry off until ready to head back into camp. The night was calm, much like their time at the lake, quiet shuffling branches in the treetops. Her clothes, dirty and damp against her skin, rubbed against her body with each step. Like they did as children, Bucky and Jay bumped shoulders while trekking through the forest, blindly moving in the dark and giggling when a branch snapped due to Bucky stumbling from her forceful shove.

Side by side, they made it back to the camp, stepping over the bushes that formed a border around the plains they’d built the base upon, and Jay focused to retrace her steps back to the bunks she’d been assigned that morning, remembering the red-haired woman who furiously marched across the grass in her army issued heels that did her a great injustice.

Passing the showers that had been rendered obsolete once Bucky shoved her into the river, Jay felt the grime sticking to her skin that she wouldn’t get to wash off until the next day, cringing.

Finally, they reached the doors, and Bucky glanced at the building, “I remember this one, I was bunk forty-nine when I first got here.”

“I’m number thirty-four, bottom bunk.” 

He grinned, “Oh, that’s the best one, means you don’t have to climb when you feel like you’re gonna fall over.” 

Just as she was about to respond, walking over to the door with Bucky right on her heels, a voice called out, “Do you know what time of night it is?” 

Jay froze first, feeling Bucky bump into her backside, knowing exactly who called out to them. Her eyes instantly widened, and her shoulders tensed as she turned in her spot to shove Bucky away from her. Jay had a view of the door before she’d turned to face her Colonel, instantly raising her hand to her temple in salute, eyes raised to the treetops still swaying with the wind. Like any good soldier, Bucky did the same, falling into line and greeting their superior with a strong angle connecting to his thick eyebrows. 

Colonel Emmett was nowhere to be seen, she couldn’t find the man even though his voice had clearly sounded behind the two friends. She didn’t dare more, even if it were her first day, she’d learned through Bucky that the higher-ups didn’t take any slight movement lightly, nor did they enjoy eye contact. That was too late, but Jay didn’t necessarily need Bucky to know how stupid she’d been earlier that morning, how right he had been to call her stubborn.

She spoke too soon, because Colonel Emmett emerged from the shadows by the showers, where they’d just passed while naively thinking they moved with stealth. Jay responded honestly, “No, sir, I do not.”

“It doesn’’t matter”,” he told her, “Because it is well past curfew.”

“It’s my fault,” Bucky answered for her, taking the blame and redirecting the Colonel’s scrutinizing eyes that had been locked on her as he crossed the grass, his boots adding height that he didn’t need.Colonel Emmett remained in his uniform, like he worked around the clock, and Jay understood that completely though she didn’t tell him that. It wasn’t the time to bond, especially when Bucky was trying to take the fall for her. 

Jay’s eyes turned to the side, catching a glimpse of her best friend who stood strong beside her and something inside of her snapped. Maybe it was the sharp edge of his jaw that protruded with the angular tilt of his head, the jagged scar on his nose glowing under the moonlight that made her want to be as strong as him. Maybe it was the firm stare he met the colonel with, or the realxed line his lips formed as he didn’t fear the man. As a whole, he was strong, and not just by the definition of his biceps or his shoulders, his entire approach was strong. And she wasn’t going to let him take her punishment. She couldn’t pinpoint exactly what she saw in the limited sweep over Bucky, but it pushed her to blurt out, “No, it was me, sir. I knew what I was doing, he was trying to get back to bed on time.”

“Sir-”

“I’m telling the truth,” she cut him off, bringing Colonel Emmett’s grey eyes back on her, the way she liked it. She reminded herself that the point of enlisting was to protect Bucky. Jay did not want or need Bucky helping her. “It’s my fault we’re out past curfew, Bucky’s been on base for years, he knows the rules, and he tried to get me to listen.”

Colonel Emmett stopped in front of her just like he had earlier that morning, glaring down at her, widening his stance as he placed his hands on his hips. Then he turned and looked at Bucky, noticing the tense muscles in his jaw. “You two know each other?”

“For all our lives,” Bucky responded, still staring forward out to the plains. 

“Must be close,” Colonel Emmett commented to which Bucky gave a slight nod, his throat bobbing. He glanced towards the man, “You’d be right.”

“At ease, soldier.” Both Jay and Bucky began to relax, not before Emmett added, “Not you, Rogers.” With a pep in his step, Colonel Emmett seemed eager, giddy at that, to humiliate Jay as he asked the relaxed soldier, “I take it that I’d be right to assume he’s as stubborn as a mule?” 

Unfortunately, Jay didn’t expect Bucky to defend her, not when she’d just refused to go back home, and Bucky didn’t. “Yes sir.” Her body took a hit to the pride, her chest aching at the truth exposed to her superior not even a day into training. But Bucky took his chance to get back at her for the enlistment, and he was going to drive her away with all of the mighty bravery he had. But she didn’t focus on it. Instead, her breath caught at the signal that her disguise had worked. 

He. 

He’s as stubborn as a mule.  

He, as in Jay.

Jay Rogers was now officially a man. A bit of a downgrade, but she couldn’t focus on it when a giddy rush of pride burned through her veins. She played the part, and apparently did it well. Colonel Emmett believed her to be a man. God, Jay could have leaped in joy, but kept herself still with her right arm fatigued from the tense hold. 

“Head on to bed, soldier,” Bucky was sent off, but not without a wary glance at Jay, concerned for her and whatever Colonel Emmett would do once he left. 

“Sir-“ Bucky tried again. 

The colonel reprimanded him with a raise of his hand, shooing him away, “Off to bed, I won’t say it again.” As the crunch of her best friend’s boots retreated back to the nearby bunks, he lowered his hand, approaching Jay with a stern look in his eyes. He looked around the plains before centering in on her, judging her. “We have rules.”

Jay couldn’t stop the sarcasm dripping like venom off her tongue, “I heard.” She’d been warned by her bunkmates, who were sound asleep inside, by an aggressive note left on her bed. It had been a while since she’d been subject to such elementary school rules and the primal need to follow them to a tee, so she hadn’t expected to feel so uncooperative. She easily followed Sandra, listened without an ounce of resistance, but with Colonel Emmett stomping around like she traded air strike plans to their enemies Jay really couldn’t take him seriously. Sure, she still held her salute, kept her face expressionless, but the amusement in her voice was hard to miss. 

“That wasn’t a question, soldier,” he told her. 

She nearly cracked a smirk, “I’m aware.”

“Then stop responding.”

Silence followed, and just as her superior looked satisfied, she responded, “Yes, sir.” A stone cold man turned furious, stomping up to her as though to pound her face into submission, bruise her skin until she was stunned into silence. Then he froze just an inch away, a smoldering frustration lingering under his skin, leaking into the wrinkles that came with his age yet lacking experience that was obvious when compared to his colleagues. Provided that it was late, he hissed, “You’ll learn soon enough just how to address me.” Good thing, Jay didn’t roll her eyes so far back that he’d call a priest to exorcise her because he added, “I just haven’t earned your respect like you have mine. At ease, Rogers.”

Hesitantly, Jay lowered her sore blade, holding her breath at the admission. 

“Go on to bed, you’ve got an early morning.”

She nodded, walking over to the doors, her hand resting on the handle. But just before she pushed it down to head in, she turned to face him. As though she asked him if he was sure, he answered with a firm nod of his head, sliding his hands onto his hips. 

When she trudged off to bed, quietly pulling the door open to slink through, afraid of setting off the sleeping soldiers, Jay noticed they weren’t sleeping. All were sitting up in their bunks, bleary eyed with their hair all mussed, obviously having eavesdropped on Jay’s scolding through the aluminum walls, the ridges amplifying his aggravation. Someone snickered as she froze like a deer in headlights, eyes widening as their shadows glistened i nthe rare moonlight seeping into the crammed dormitory.

She trekked on, ignoring their stares, ignoring the way their voices bounced off of the ceiling, rattling th posts of the wooden bunks and shaking the metal springs holding their exhausted bodies up. 

“Had a good first day?” Someone called, mocking her. Jay didnt’t pay any mind to it, simply kicking her boots off to the side and throwing herself under the thin sheets, letting the dampness of her pajamas soak into her skin to remind herself this was real. Her lack of a response, the silence buzzing through the air shared between the soldiers, prompted whoever had witnessed her streak of bad luck to follow up with, “Guess it wasn’t so good.” 

She could hear the smirk, the smug grin, in his voice. Now, how could she just let that slide?

First day didn’t mean they were back in elementary, though men certainly acted like it. But she was a woman, hiding in a shell just like the rest of them snuggled up under the sheets, but unlike them, she hid a brain as sharp as a blade. Crossing her arms under her head, Jay stared up at the springs of the bed as her bunkmate shifted, and she agreed, “Nah, it wasn’t so good, but I ain’t sucking my thumb like you are, though, I’ll sleep like a baby regardless.”

—

The confidence of the day before seemed to have vanished into thin air, and Jay’d never knew the world could spin so fast. That was Colonel Emmett’s doing. It had to be. His conniving, devilish glint in his eyes as he sent her off to bed without a cruel punishment the night before, oh she should have known it would catch up to her without another beat. 

She should have especially known when they approached an obstacle course. 

She’d been confused when lined up to the left of her bunk, hands by her side and throwing it up in salute to Lieutenant Kramer, when he busted in, sending the same doors that she’d gently handled the night before flying open without a care in the world. She envied the way he strutted about and ordered the troop to follow him out, going in the opposite direction and jogging as he picked his feet up. That was how they approached a near mile long trail, with an obstacle course awaiting them at the end, threatening Jay’s sanity with the ginormous, sky-high net ladder. 

Her stomach had folded into origami, the swan inside her churning gut sending roiling waves of nausea through her aching muscles as it fluttered its wings at the sight of the nest perched in the atmosphere at the top of the final obstacle. She’d hesitated, approached the net with a withering huff, turning back to look at her fellw soldiers sturggling to keep up. It didn’t matter how far behind they were when she’d begun to cross over into the descent and froze. 

Legs straggling the wooden frame carrying the white rope, a shuddering fear trickled down her spine. The wood digging into herhamstrings trembled as her peers reached the base. Jay bit her lip, muffling a shriek when her body jostled, almost sending her tumbling like she did so long ago. A barely grown girl who still went by her full birth name waiting out her family's mass in an abandoned warehouse nearby. Steve had gone to church in his Sunday best hand in hand with their mother, limping from the atrophied muscles from his time of mandated bedrest yet determined to walk the entire way.

They’d left her to her creativity plaguing her mind. Despite the glum world and the dusty frame of the warehouse she’d stumbled into. A playground, and unlike her hesitant older self, the gangle version of her soul eagerly wrapped her palm around the piping lining the walls.

Flashes of her surroundings morphed into the broken memory that had kept her grounded since the hefty bill from the doctor’s offices found sanctuary in the mailbox of their childhood home just as her stitches had been deemed ready to come out of the base of her skull. The swell of pride that had fluttered in her chest then replaced with the pounding of her heart as the woosh of air deafened her on the fall that followed her losing her balance atop the beam she’d scaled. 

If she fell, she wouldn’t be alone, not like she’d done before. Jay remembered lying on the oil stained floor, staring up at the ceiling, winded and paralyzed. Unable to call for help, she’d laid there for what seemed like forever until the black dots dancing across her vision took over. It gave her a sense of comfort as she nearly blacked out when the first man joined her and easily crossed to take his voyage down the net that she’d be in sight, they’d get her to a doctor instantly rather than a group of teenages coming across her body in a pool of blood sourcing from her head thankfully in time. She hadn’t known just how much time passed between her falling and being found, but the doctors told her and her mother that any more blood loss and she would have been damaged beyond repair. 

Her scar hidden under her hair stung.

Jay cursed Lieutenant Kramer, cursed him over and over again for putting her into this situation. Colonel Emmett for being such an ass. How he read her mind, understood her weaknesses less than a day of knowing her, he didn’t know. A soft sob escaped her lips when her punishment just wouldn’t end. Her stomach twisted, mind all over the place and she just wanted to get down. “Bismillah rahmani rahim,” she whispered, “Bismillah rahmani rahim.”

Her mother had already scolded her, slapped her on the wrist until the day she died, and if her mother was watching over her now, well at the very least she’d be suffering a heart attack of pure disappointment.

“Rogers! What’s happening up there?” Lieutenant Kramer shouted up at her when the last of her peers crossed the finish line. She didn’t have the heart to respond, nor the courage, afraid that the slightest sigh would send her sliding down the slippery slope. But she couldn’t stay up there any longer.

Jay forced her hands to shakily grab onto the rough rope that the net consisted of, hoisting herself off of the plank. Biting down on her tongue, Jay’s blurry vision didn’t help when trying to find stable footing. In a blink of an eye, Jay’s boot fell through, catching on the rope, and her sweaty palms loosened. Sending her flying through the air, Jay yelled as her boot caught her on the net, sparks running down her spine as she swung. Blood rushed to her head, and she caught sight of the troop watching her, a few soldiers broken out into laughter while the others grimaced.

Her head pounded, and she thought she was going to spill her guts before she used her momentum to hoist her upperhalf up, grabbing at the net with much more coherence as she wasn’t so high up anymore. Jay’s long fingers curled around the braiding of the obstacle, grunting as she tugged her boot out of the mess, aware of all of the eyes on her. Was this how it was going to be the whole war?

As soon as her feet touched the ground, Jay’s nausea reminded her of its existence and shot straight through her stomach to her toes, burning under the intense heart. Her stomach churned, the waves roaring in her ears effectively drowning out any orders from Lieutenant Sanders. Tears burned at her lashes with each blink, trying to keep her eyes open and pointed at him while he spewed out directions. It was with a heavy body that she went through the motions, gettign through every drill with a heaving chest and flaming stomach. 

She and Frank partnered up for conditioning, but at any comment made to her in hopes of sparking a conversation was met with a grunt. She kept herself focused on repeating the prayers taught to her by the Imam, chanting it in her mind while completing the last set of crunches that only intensified the chills running down her spine that had been sparked by that simple obstacle. It was embarrassing, God she was still afraid of heights and just the arial view of the camp managed to take her out of the game. She should have thought of this before enlisting. Surely it would be fine, they would be on ground. It wasn’t like she’d joined the air force. 

When Lieutenant Kramer finally released them to dinner, Jay couldn’t hold it in anymore, sprinting to a bush to hunch behind and retch up her guts. Within a few strides, her ankles brushed the wispy strands of leaves, her hands finding refuge on her thighs as she bent over. Jay felt her binder struggling to bend with her spine, digging into her abdomen, forcing her to gag while blindly reaching for the rough bark that matched her own shade of armor.  

“Jay? You good?” She couldn’t respond in another rush of vomit landing by the roots. A hand landed on her back, rubbing it. Startled, Jay jumped in her spot and choked, coughing violently. “Jeez!”

Once she settled, and the nausea had calmed for a moment, Jay turned to look at the man who voice she’d placed as Frank’s in her sick spurred mania. The crease between his eyebrows stood out to her before she noticed the sun shining around his figure, a shadow cast over her body. He held out a hand to her forcing her to come to the realization that she’d dropped to her knees without knowing. “Are you sick?” She took his hand, stumbling to her feet and groaning when her stomach lurched. 

“No,” that didn’t stop Frank from pressing a big hand to her forehead, despite only having met the day before it seemed he warmed up pretty quickly. It was nice, to have a helping hand, especially when she felt paralyzed below the hips. If she moved, she was sure she’d be sick all over his shirt. 

Jay really didn’t want to test just how good of a friend Frank was. 

“You don’t have a fever.”

“I’m not sick.”

“You’re not?”  

Jay moaned, swallowing a gag, “I’m afraid of heights.” It took a second for Frank to figure it out, letting out a ‘huh’ when he had to think, then turn back and look back at the activity they’d done at the beginning of the day. Another shudder ran down her body, wracking her and Frank scattered to get her arm around his shoulders, moving her across the fields. 

Her vision blurred as he moved her through the camp, and a familiar patch of dry grass passed her by from where her head hung against her chest. “No!” She exclaimed, tugging against Frank’s strength. At first, she’d been wary of him taking her to the nurse, but the bathrooms were a completely different scenario. The nurses could at least turn her away, tell her that she wasn’t in their jurisdiction. But the bathrooms, if someone walked in, if someone didn’t agree. She couldn’t guarantee what would happen and if she’d leave the camp alive. 

“What? What’s wrong?” Frank rushed, afraid that she needed to stop. 

“I can’t use that bathroom!” She hissed, shaking her head so vigorously that she could feel her stomach clenching.

In his full stupidity, he asked, “Why not?” Must she explain everything? 

“Frank,” she called his attention firmly, “Look at me, and then look at you.” Her eyes squeezed shut as she allowed the slightly slow man to finally get what she was saying. Bucky would have understood immediately, she wouldn’t even have to tell him. He’d figure out a way to handle it all by himself. She hadn’t known the extent of men’s incompetency. It seemed Bucky truly spoiled her, but she wouldn’t be admitting that any time soon.

“Man, no one gives a shit here about that.”

“How would you know?”

“Jay, we’re all just trying to survive, no one has time to uphold that stupid rule anyway. No one said anything about us hanging out, plus why are you in a troop with us then?”

“You’d be surprised just how much they pick and choose,” she grumbled, finally nodding to keep moving, “We ain’t got much time.” 

Frank was surprisingly stealthy, his bulky frame getting her to the door and through the bathroom into a stall, helping her drop to her knees and hug her torso while heaving. Her body slumped against itself, screaming at her to get her mouth over the bowl before she finally vomited once again, her gags echoing off of the walls. 

As if it wasn’t already humiliating, the door opened once again, Frank leaving she assumed, and her voice carried out to the plains. That wasn’t what has happening at all. She knew because suddenly the door swung shut and Bucky’s voice was calling for her, and steps were closing in on her as he shoved Frank to the side, she heard the way his body slammed into the cement walls. 

“Jay?” Bucky called, sighing when he stopped right behind her, his presence suffocating her and sending another rush of bile up her through. “What happened?” he gritted out, and Jay nearly cursed him out, but Frank answered. 

“He said he was afraid of heights.”

“Oh.” 

“I don’t know what to do, should I get a nurse?” Frank asked, innocently, but the world still hadn’t stopped spinning and Jay could feel Bucky’s tensity radiating off of him. With an irritated voice, Jay responded in unison with Bucky’s concerned, “No!” Her friend began to apologize, and thankfully Bucky reassured him as she gagged once more, pulling the stall door shut to give Jay some privacy. She heard him mumble something, then Frank agreed with him. All she knew was the toilet bowl and the door swinging open. 

The stall granted access to Bucky who came up behind her, “You done?”  It sounded harsh, yeah, to anyone else. The quick, and snipped tone of his voice as he asked, but he dealt with Jay’s sickness, Steve’s sickness for years. And he knew one thing when it came to the Rogers siblings: they hated pity. So she didn’t take any offense, instead relished it with a quiet raise of her finger, telling him to wait as she coughed and spat into the mess. Then she nodded, and leaned to where her back rested against Bucky’s shin. 

“Gross,” Bucky commented while leaning over her to flush the toilet. 

Sweat dripped down her forehead, and she didn’t move to get up. Everything ached but at least she didn’t feel like she was about to explode. Exhaustion rampant in her bones, Jay didn’t retaliate, working on regaining her regular breathing. A string of curses ran through her brain, not particularly directed at anyone but she had a man sitting at the top of the list. Then her hand came rapidly, tapping at the wall in a signal, then hitting Bucky’s thigh when he didn’t move fast enough. 

First his hands fit under her arms, then his fingers wrapped around her shoulders before hoisting her up to her feet. Jay grunted, kicking her feet under her to land on her boots, groaning loudly. Her body fell back to rest on Bucky’s sturdy frame, her back pressing against his chest. She raised her hand up to her mouth, fingertips grazing her lips. 

Finally, after a few long seconds, Jay stepped past Bucky to move to the sinks, hunching and aiming her mouth under the spout. Twisting the handle, Jay tasted the rush of rusty pipes, the exact metallic taste that the gym spurted that left an aftertaste in all of their food. Typically, she didn’t notice after years of the stubborn taste, but the last time she at in their shabby kitchen had been weeks before, even if she’d only step foot in the camp as a soldier the previous morning.

Rising, Jay spotted Bucky who took his place leaning against the wall, arms crossed over her chest. He studied her, his eyes narrowed so slightly anyone who didn’t know him would assume it natural to his phenotype. “What?” she asked, using the hem of her shirt to dry her mouth. 

His eyes flickered down to her exposed abdomen, or rather her binder, before meeting her gaze in the “What happened?” Bucky asked, lowering his chin to where he stared at her through his eyebrows. He always did this, God, she should have seen it coming. 

“How’d you even find me?” she leaned her forearms on the ceramic, swallowing. 

“I saw you outside,” Bucky eyed her, and pushed off the wall to approach her. The ghost of his fingers brushed her hips, finally landing as he lifted the hem covering her back. His eyes were on hers the entire time he pulled the fabric up, only breaking his stare to direct it down to her hips. She felt his fist clench around the thin cotton, dragging it up until he hit the border of her binder. Jay watched him carefully in the reflection, memorizing how his lips pursed at whatever he looked at. 

It was when she noticed the crease between his eyebrows and felt the pressure of his pointer finger brushing over her spine that she jolted away, “What are you doing?”

“Have you been eating?”

Jay could have decked him right in his perfect teeth if she really wanted to, or if she had the space, but with the way he cornered in the restroom she had to settle on rapidly shoving past him with an annoyed huff. Bucky was right on her trail, jogging a few paces to catch up with her furious stomping. “Jay, wait up.” He had to repeat himself before Jay halted abruptly, turning to face him with a glare only meant for him. “I was serious.”

She knew she’d lost some weight, she could tell the night before enlisting when she stumbled across her boney reflection. It wasn’t exactly a factor she wanted to focus on, knowing she wasn’t as beautiful as she was before, knowing that Bucky wouldn’t want her like this. She half expected him to withdraw his previous statements, it was why she hesitated to say, “I ate yesterday.” 

“And before that?” Bucky pushed, knowing her too well and sighing in disappointment when she shook her head. 

In the few weeks she’d been running amok to hide away from Toby and Jelena, drowning her crisis and ending up in a stranger's bed, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d sat down and eaten a meal. “I was busy.”

“Doing what, Jay?” Bucky forced her to meet his gaze when she started to look around, stepping into her line of sight, and when she didn’t answer he told her, “You’ve got a bad habit” Then he sighed once again, “Let’s get some dinner.”

He led her to his table, tugging her wrist when she had first made the move to go back to the table she’d sat with Frank at. She hadn’t expected him to want her by his side, especially in front of all of his friends. With her tray of mush sitting in front of her, and a lingering nausea lining her stomach, Jay wasn’t too eager to take a bite. They were one of the first there, having skipped the crowded showers, sitting quietly with their eyes fixed on the walls. 

Jay felt the bench shift as Bucky took in a deep breath, his weight expanding beside her until his bicep brushed her own, the difference in volume. She knew he was angry, probably, she’d been furious when Steve packed his things up and left. She was still fuming, still ready to explode everytime she thought about it, and Bucky didn’t even know the extent of it. The police officer, Jelena, her rampage through all of the colored downtown bars. 

Her frame drew up tense next to him, aware of just how frail she looked now that she was standing next to Bucky again. Jelena and Toby hadn’t said anything, but she realized they were porbarbly relieved to just see her again. Jay didn’t expect for Bucky to turn to her, craning his neck, to gently tell her about his friends who they were waiting upon.

Jay recognized the farmer the moment he crossed into her peripheral view of the cafeteria, whistling with his hands in his pockets, Dale was what Bucky had said his name was. Her eyes followed him all the way until he stood across from the pair, eyes landing on her, an amused grin splitting his face. 

Still, he didn’t say anything, only taking his seat and he didn’t waste any time shoveling in spoonfuls of food. She folding her hands in her lap, but didn’t slouch like she would, tentatively watching him chew with a toothy grin, honestly amazed at how annoying one could be without speaking. Jay kept her wary eye on him, watching him swallow his food after barely chewing as though he were a starved dog. The creepiest part, he watched her too. 

She felt Bucky shift beside her, his gaze switching between them, finally raising a hand to refer to her, “Dale, this is Jay.”

“We’ve met,” Dale smirked.

Bucky’s jaw tensed, and he raised his eyebrows, “You have?”

Dale’s eyes were on Jay, a smile and an amusement that only showed in the crinkles by his green eyes. Something glinted in his eyes, a mischievous shine that told her he knew something she didn’t. It set her on the edge, and she hoped no one could tell. She wasn’t hungry anymore, not that she’d wanted to eat, or come to dinner at all, but Dale’s gaze made her want to bolt out of the room and run all the way home. 

Had Bucky mentioned her? A slip during dinner about his best friend back home with the same name but with long curls and female. Maybe Dale recognized her, maybe he knew about her little gimmick. That was dangerous. Was he even okay with her sitting by him? 

“Did you end up finding your way ‘round?” Dale chuckled. Jay was so lost in staring at him, attempting to figure out what he knew, that she didn’t hear him. Lost in a trance, Jay snapped out of her daze when Bucky’s elbow jabbed into her bicep, making her blink and furrow her eyebrows. Then she replayed his lips, reading what he asked her.

It clicked instantly, and she let out an, “Ohhh,” that made her sound like she belonged there, stupid. “Yeah, I did, no thanks to you.” 

Dale dropped his head, laughing to himself. Bucky glanced at her and she explained, “I got lost on my first day, and this jackass sent me in the opposite direction as a joke.”

“It’s pretty funny, you gotta admit,” Dale cracked himself up, hacking into his elbow as he choked on his own saliva, and for the sake of seeming enjoyable, and proving to Bucky that she felt better, she smiled, “Sure.” 

Bucky started asking Dale about his day, making small talk in a way Jay had seen in action, but never so casual. She’d seen him strike up conversation with the pretty cashier, or slip a snide comment when the bartender rendered his shot a little low, and she’d witnessed the neanderthalic conversations he had with his friends from highschool and college, and they were smooth and confident. Bucky, still confident, spoke softer when he addressed Dale. It was unlike anything she’d seen before, save for a sweet smile he gave his younger sisters. 

She realized that the night before she hadn’t heard him. She hadn’t known he sat only a few feet away from her until Dale loudly cackled his name. Typically, Bucky would be the loudest one there alongside Jay, but now they’d both turned into a quiet pair, murmuring and thinking over their words carefully as if war knocked on their door. 

Sobering up, Jay looked down at her tray, suddenly understanding why Bucky was so worried. War was lingering, it was just across the sea, waiting for them. And yes, Jay survived up until now, made it through the long days by dragging herself to a factory and shoving her body into an engine or into a vent to fix whatever she could and prove herself useful to the cause, she’d skipped many dinners, lunches, fasted each Ramadan to save their few resources for Steve. Jay neglected herself through and through, didn’t care to keep herself in shape when she feared the worst, the house being taken, being thrown onto the street, Steve’s sickness getting the better of him. Even when Toby and Jelena took them in, after years of Bucky begging them to take refuge in his house, even clearing his garage to make Jay feel better about ‘taking up space’, Jay was restless. She’d worked herself to the bone, and sure, she survived, but now, that wouldn’t slide. 

She was nauseous, still roiling from her panic earlier, but if she didn’t eat, it was guaranteed she wouldn’t survive. She wouldn’t be able to protect Bucky, and this would all be for nothing. 

Slowly, Jay picked up her spoon, starting to lift it towards her open mouth and shoveling it in before she gagged. What she didn’t expect: Bucky’s hand sliding over to lay atop her thigh, squeezing it in reassurance. When her eyes flicked over to him, she spotted a relieved look in his eyes as she cleared her dinner.

“Sorry, I’m late!” A voice rang through the cafeteria, just by their table, causing all three of the soldiers to turn their heads. A red haired man stumbled through the aisle, tray in hand as he took his spot beside Dale, nudging him with his elbow while settling across from Jay. Dale spared a grin to his friend who finally noticed Jay, looking at her, then at Bucky and Dale, “Who’s this?”

Jay tensed, this had to be it, she was finally gonna get kicked out. She’d known there was some sort of rule for the colored soldiers, maybe she’d missed a shack out there where the rest of them were forced to eat. But then she looked around the cafeteria, spotting ebony heads of different shades bringing a different shine to the force. In a split second, Jay made the decision to ignore whatever prejudice the curly, read haired man had learned, and threw her hand out over the table in greeting, “I’m Jay Rogers, one of Bucky’s friends back home.” 

Her strong stare had shocked the table, even Dale, the fierce look in her eye hadn’t shown itself until now, taking the stranger’s green eyes captive. Her heart skipped a beat, partially out of fear, when Bucky’s hand slipped off of her thigh as the man met her in the middle by shaking her hand, and introducing himself, “I’m Charles.”

The rigidity in her demeanor melted away, and she gave him a small smile, “Nice to meet you.” 

Something was missing though. 

“Where’s Frank?” She was turning in her seat to check around the cafeteria, craning her neck to view any newcomers. He should have come by now, but if she knew anything by the likes of meeting him, he was a reserved guy. She should have expected him to be sitting where he had been the day before, so as her gaze lowered from the door, she spotted a head full of black hair separated from the sea of men. He’d only been a few feet away from her, and he hadn’t even asked to sit with them.

Guilt stabbed at her heart, “Frank!” 

She watched his head perk, and turn towards her, “Come sit with us, man.” Jay waved him over, making sure he stood up to walk over as she asked Bucky, “Is it fine with you guys?” He nodded, and neither Charles or Dale said a thing, so when Frank plopped down in the empty seat beside her, her smile finally reached her eyes in an earnest fashion. She quickly introduced Frank to each of them, save for Bucky who he held his hand out to shake. Then Jay asked him, “If you saw me, why didn’t you come sit?”

“I thought you’d found your friends.” Frank responded, “Didn’t want to intrude.” 

“After what you did for me today, I think you’re my friend,” Jay told him, “Might just be me, though.” They were whispering, as though it were a secret, but Frank nodded, and told her, “It ain’t just you. Are you feeling better?”

Jay nodded, taking another bite of her beans to prove to him, yet her stomach churned when she swallowed. 

Then Charles asked, “What happened?” 

Jay looked up, meeting his curious eyes, then chuckled to herself. “It’s embarrassing.” When Dale leaned in to hear more, she rolled her eyes, “I’m afraid of heights, y’know, can’t handle them, it's not really my forte. Anyway, we had to do some obstacle course, and I wasn’t aware of the last part where you have to climb this huge net.” She stopped to think, “Well, long story short, I got stuck and sick. You don’t wanna know, trust me,” she could feel her stomach twist just by recounting the event. Still, she shoveled the last of her meal into her mouth before pushing the empty tray away, grimacing. 

“I heard Officer Norman talking about how they weren’t able to take on anymore new recruits in the sniper program since they were full.” Dale said, “Good thing we got in before that happened.” He smirked, reaching over to nudge Bucky. Bucky was mid chew so he just nodded, continuing to poke at his meal. Jay’s eyes widened, the Hell did Dale mean by that? 

Her head snapped towards Bucky, “You’re in the what?” It had been about three Goddamn years he’d been in the military, going off to camp for weeks at a time, training. Jay hadn’t heard anything about this. Her eyes found Dale, “The what?”

“Didn’t I tell you?” Bucky’s voice finally chimed in. She realized it had been a while since she’d heard his voice since sitting down.

“No!” Jay exclaimed, “When did this happen?”

“When we first started boot camp,” he told her, “We were in the same recruit group, like you and Frank, and based on our scores and everything, we were chosen to train in the sniper program, Jay, I swear I thought I told you this.” Bucky pleaded, exasperated by her widening eyes and deepening creases between her eyebrows.

She snapped, unaware as to why she was so agitated, “Maybe you told your little girlfriends, but you sure as Hell didn’t tell me.” Silence fell over their section of the table, she was very aware of Dale, Charles, and Frank stitting awkwardly beside them. Just like the night at the club, when Bucky’s aggravated her to Earth’s end, she wanted to curl up into a ball, but Bucky was not one to let it go for the sake of observant company. 

She had a tendency to explode, then try to clean up the mess. Bucky wanted to feed into it, sne she wasn’t sure as to why. 

“Then it must have slipped my mind, I didn’t exactly want to talk about camp back home,” Bucky explained, having lost his appetite. Jay internally cursed her temper, she was embarrassing herself and Bucky further. But she couldn’t hold her words back, “I feel like it would have been nice to know that you were training as a sniper, or maybe that you’ve known these guys for years while I’ve only heard of them today!” She quickly addressed Dale and Charles, “No offense.”

The two men shrugged, “None taken.”

“Now I feel like you’re gonna tell me that you were Colonel Emmett’s darling boy,” she scoffed.

Bucky huffed, “Colonel Emmett wasn’t even a colonel when we started out, Jay.”

Then Charles sucked in a loud breath, causing both of them to turn their attention to him, “Speak of the devil.”

Suddenly, Jay felt a presence behind them approach that she just knew was seeking her. Bucky looked back first, shifting his entire body to face the spawn of Satan. Her shoulders tensed, and she sighed when Bucky confirmed who it was by instantly standing in salute, the rest of the table following, yet Jay remained hunched over the table, mentally spewing curses before spinning in her seat to face Colonel Emmett himself. 

Refusing to stand, or salute, Jay simply craned her head up to meet her superior’s stare.

“Have you finished your dinner?” Colonel Emmett asked, to which she nodded. He pursed his lips, seemingly not bothered by her behavior, “Good, because I’d like to speak to you,” he glanced around to standing men, their eyes pointed forward as all eyes in the cafeteria were on them, and he clarified, “In private.” 

Jay dusted herself off, standing and clearing her throat, “Alright.” 

Colonel Emmett waited as she picked up the trash from their table, then led her out of the busy, chattering room into the silent night. It seemed Jay would never get used to it, the dead silence. While that may sound pretentious, it had only been forty-eight hours since arriving to camp, but the sheer stillness of the camp in the middle of nowhere though she knew the city lay miles away, would always set her on edge. There should be something in those woods, and all of those nights she’d spent at the orphanage, she’d been calmed because there were frogs croaking, fish leaping out of the water, critters climbing up trees, and she’d known that what lurked around was alive with innocence deep inside their soul. 

Here, as she trailed behind Emmett, it was as though they were on the front lines awaiting an attack. Maybe it was a tactic, to scare the soldiers into falling in, but it only made Jay want to fight against it. 

The sniper course came to mind, Bucky at the front of it. He’d been training all this time, not to survive, but to kill. It was so unlike him, so unlike what she’d known him to be. This was the same man who’d shed tears at the sight of a squirrel becoming road kill. But then again, this was the same guy who’d smashed beer bottles atop men’s heads when their mouths ran a race.

“Catch up,” Colonel Emmett ordered, forcing her walk beside him, “We’re heading to my office, I want to show you something.” 

“Can I ask why?”

“You’ll see.” 

They fell into step all the way to a building located at the edge of camp, where the silence began to suffocate Jay as Colonel Emmett pulled out a key to unlock the door, holding it open for Jay to shuffle in awkwardly. She waited for him to lead her to his office, watching him take his seat behind his desk. It was an old building, probably one of the original judging by the architecture. Old, dark wood lined the edges of the walls, supporting books in an engraved shelf that she assumed dated back to the Civil War, the style exactly what she studied in her architecture class. 

Jay studied the room, the books he kept on his walls, then the papers splayed across his desk, blueprints and forms scattered and even pinned to the walls. 

The colonel crossed a leg over the other, gesturing for her to sit, “The lieutenants and officers here do not hold the power you think they do.” He sat up, scooting closer to rest his forearms on the table, and Jay finally took in his appearance rather than his grey stare. He’d freshly showered, his damp hair disheveled, and he wore a simple green long sleeved shirt that hugged a young body he occupied. “They do what I order, what I think is best for the group as a whole, and that includes testing. We test each incoming group of soldiers on mathematics, science, and English, as you would know.” 

“It’s important to have competent soldiers, and though they are rare to come by, they do happen.” Pulling open his righthand drawer, clicking his tongue when he found a stack of papers, specifically, tests. “You’re one of them.”

Jay met his eyes as he pulled a test from the top of the stack, highlighted and starred as though they wanted him to see it first, study it. “Perfect marks on math and science, you missed two in the English section, and you completed them in half the expected time.” He handed her tests over, allowing her to see for herself, “I would have assumed you cheated if your work wasn’t shown for each.” 

Rapidly glancing over her answers, Jay handed it back to him, uncomfortable by the praise. 

“You’re quick and do things right the first time, and you put the effort in. Lieutenant Kramer told me about the obstacle course, you left those men in the dust, but you can’t handle heights- we can work on that. Other than that, you’re a perfect candidate.”

“A perfect candidate for what?” Jay inquired, shifting to sit on her hands that were starting to get the jitters. 

“I hope you don’t mind, but I overheard your conversation, and it seems your friends have already told you about it.”

She knew where this was going, and she didn’t want any part of it. Jay never enlisted to learn to kill, not to take lives. She was not going to be used like every other pawn. This was never part of the plan, and Jay almost winced when Colonel Emmett finally said, “You’re a match for our sniper program.”

Chapter Text

“Over my dead body.” 

The offer was atrocious and completely offensive, and Jay didn’t care who it was coming from. She should have seen this coming, should have never enlisted knowing how she’d reacted to Jack, stormed off in the face of authority without at least working on her reaction. First Bucky, then Steve, then Jack, and now Colonel Emmett, and she was sure that he could get her washing dishes for a month if she didn’t control herself. 

Anywhere else, that’s what would have happened. 

Instantly, Jay realized her mistake as Colonel Emmett leaned in as if he heard wrong, “Excuse me?” Stuttering, she began to try and apologize, her eyes squeezing shut in disappointment that she couldn’t communicate right for once in her life. Argument after argument, anger always took control over her body, and it seemed it didn’t matter even when she wanted it to. 

But something magical happened right before her eyes, without her even saying a word, Colonel Emmett pursed his lips as he processed her words before simply nodding. He clasped his hands together, dropping the papers, “Alright, if that’s what you want.”

“Sir,” she took a second to collect herself, “With all due respect, it hasn’t even been two days since I got here, I didn’t even know where your office was, and you think I’m a good candidate?”

“Perfect,” Emmett corrected her, “And you’ll learn everything else along the way. Don’t you want to succeed here?”

She shot back, “I want to survive.” She started shaking her head, in the two days he’d known her, did he come to the conclusion that she’d like to shoot people dead? To take lives? It was insulting for him to drag her to his office and ask this. She’d rather him hate her, she’d rather run laps until all that remained was skin and bones. There were stories of snipers, sitting in the treetops, and on the roofs of buildings, where the only way you’d know of their presence was by a bullet through your brain. “I’m not here to kill, I only came here to protect Bucky.” She hesitated, but added, “I’ve got nothing else back home. The least I can do is make sure he gets home safe, back to his family.” 

“And you don’t have any family?” 

That silenced Jay. She did, technically. Two graves back in the rundown cemetery were assigned for her upkeep, to clean and dust off the stones she’d saved up for. Steve was somewhere, hopefully on American soil. Toby and Jelena, yes, of course. They’d become her family, but was she the same to them? 

“None that’s waiting for me,” she shook her head, “Well, maybe except for in the afterlife.” 

Colonel Emmett studied her, then nodded, “I can understand.” Without skipping a beat, he stood, “You say, Bucky. You must care for him.” He wasn’t looking at her though, and he wasn’t exactly asking a question. His eyes scanned the walls, and she turned in her seat as he passed her to reach a section by the door. Binders, separate from the books. Humming a tune, the colonel searched the shelf, pulling three out to carry back over to his desk. 

“Barnes, James Buchanan Barnes,” he relaxed in his chair, kicking a leg over the other as he flipped the cover to read his file. “Twenty-five, but he’s been in the army for over three years, training as a sniper for two. Interesting, it seems he’s been drafted thrice, one for every year he’s been here. And each time, he broke a bone just before they all shipped out.” 

No. Goddamn. Way.

“His right leg, the week before shipping out. Then his wrist, just three days before. Again, his left ankle, the day before, he got caught between rubble down by the river during training, coincidentally. It seems this time, he couldn’t get out of it, or maybe he will, he’s got six months, or five, to find another limb to break.”

Now, Jay’s jaw had dropped, and she was leaning over the wood to catch a glimpse of what he was reading. She remembered those days when he came home with a cast on with crutches, or a sling holding him in place. Despite the pain, he was smiling like he’d won the lottery. All this time, she’d just thought he was trying to dismiss her worry, relieve his mother of her fussing, or keep his father off his back. He’d been escaping the draft all along.

“His friends, they’re tricky. I understand why they’re all buddies. Dale, each year, his family’s ranch is experiencing a drought or famine of some sort. Suddenly, in each draft, he’s the sole caretaker of the cattle the army uses to feed deployed soldiers. Not a single employee is able to be kept on when he gets his letters, and he has to head back down to Houston.” Colonel Emmett rolled his eyes. “Charles, he’s an interesting man. He’s been arrested each year for misdemeanors. Petty theft and public intoxication. Each landed him at least 3 months in jail, a pretty good way to get out of a draft if you ask me. You get a bed and free food, basically a hotel.” 

She started shaking her head, “I don’t need to know about them, that doesn’t matter.”

“Doesn’t it?” Colonel Emmett raised his eyebrows, “By the looks of it, you deserve to be in the program way more than any of these schmucks who keep running from their duty.” 

“It’s not their duty to fight a war they never wanted,” Jay responded, “You’re here all the time, this, it’s all normal to you, but they have lives, families, all of these people around you aren’t used to this. We’re already fighting tooth and nail to survive just at home, working, and keeping up with the endless demands from the military. All of our food keeps going to soldiers who keep dying in this war, all of our resources, all of our time, it goes to those men who end up only sending a letter back to let us know that they’ve been shot, stabbed, or blown up across the ocean. They are not schmucks,” she seethed, “They’re afraid, and rightfully so. I’m not gonna judge Dale or Charles because they did what they had to do to stay alive because none of you care about protecting your own people.”

“But you’ll judge Bucky,” Emmett pointed out.

“That’s not what I’m judging him for,” she admitted, “This,” she waved around to the office, and gestured to the binders, “isn’t going to make me want to join your program. I only came here to do what you and your people refuse to do, protect regular people you only see as pawns.” Abruptly, she stood, “Thanks for the offer, but no thanks, I’m not killing anyone.”

Colonel Emmett nodded, sighing, “So you were serious about that.”

“I don’t know if you’re aware,” there it was again, the upset that made her speak without thinking, “but war isn't a natural way of life, you shouldn’t be okay with taking a life.”

She began walking away, reaching the door where she firmly tugged on the handle to make her way back to her bunk. As she started to pass through the open doorway, her superior called out, “You’re right, but I must ask, what’ll you do when it comes down to Bucky’s life and another? Furthermore, will you even be beside him to cover his six if not in the program?”

When she looked back, Colonel Emmett just shrugged. She found herself quiet as she finally retraced her steps back to the bunks to wash off the day. Unfortunately, Jay couldn’t wash away the doubts plaguing her mind. 

—-

“Why on Earth would you turn it down?” Dale exclaimed, nearly choking on his breakfast burrito. When Jay recounted Colonel Emmett’s offer to the table during breakfast, she could have sworn their eyes nearly rolled out of their sockets onto their trays from the pure shock they feigned. She shrugged, she wasn’t going to tell them she’d enlisted. It wasn’t like Bucky had told her about the drafts. 

Bucky sat beside her, just like he’d done the night before, still staring at her. Charles leaned forward, “So let me get this straight, you were personally offered a spot in the sniper program, even told you were perfect, and you said no? You just fully declined the offer?”

“Yes,” Jay took another bite of her burrito, relishing the warm eggs, “I don’t get why this is such a difficult topic to wrap your head around.” 

“You got here two days ago!” Dale guffawed, looking around the table to see if he was the only one so crazed. Peeking at Frank, she noticed him quietly laughing to himself. “And what’s so funny?”

Frank promptly met her eyes and bursted out laughing, “Jay, Emmett hates you! What did you do to get him to want you?” 

“I did well on the tests.”

“The same ones we took?” She nodded in response, slowly to ensure they understood her, “And just how good did you do?” 

Jay chewed, swallowed, and thought for a second, “He said I was perfect in math and science, and I missed two in English.”

“Oh yeah?” Dale cackled, “You and what degree?”

Jay smirked at this, because she shoved the butt of the burrito into her mouth before raising her left hand. Everyone, save for Bucky, turned their attention to the stainless steel ring embellishing her pinky finger. She’d decided to take it with her, to remind herself of her obligation to herself, to maintain her ethics. “In fact I do- mechanical engineering. What about you guys?”

Bucky finally let out a huff, clapping Jay on the shoulder, “That’s my boy.”

“Man, I thought that was just an ugly wedding band,” Dale told her, dropping his arms onto the table to dip his head and cackle. Jay rolled her eyes, twisting the ring. Frank joined in, coughing into his elbows, but amidst the laughter, Charles was calm, leaning forward to ask, “So you don’t got a gal back home?”

“I did,” she nodded, “Not anymore though.” 

Beside her, her best friend froze. She could feel his body tense where their knees pushed up together, a habit since their elementary years, sitting on benches with their legs spread and skin pressed together. Her heart leapt up into her throat, the memory of him drunk in Steve’s bed, trying to get her to become more, revealing his dreams, asking her if she felt the same. She could never forget it. The few times she’d slept, the nights when the nightmares that included Bucky or Steve dying started to morph into her shared bedroom, Bucky’s glazed eyes being the only source of light in the dark room. 

He’d mentioned Sandra, his contempt. Like he could fix what she’d done. I wouldn’t be like Sandra. It was laughable, truly, when they were now two men sitting beside each other. It seemed his dreams would never come true anyway, he’d be exactly like Sandra. 

Charles was waiting for an explanation, to which she elaborated , “It was stupid, we’d been seeing each other for a while, secretly, we, uh, worked at the same place.” Jay fumbled with her words, uncomfortable to bring up the woman with Bucky’s listening ears, still unnerved by their abrupt ending. Bucky’d heard about their escapades, their dates, he’d heard all about it, he’d even met the woman. But now she was fidgeting with the hem of her uniform, “Was just a fling, according to her.” 

Charles hissed, “That’s rough. You liked her, didn’t you?”

Did she? Had she? The truth was, she’d thought so, but now that she was telling the story, it didn’t sting because of who she’d lost, but who was sitting beside her. She hummed, “You could say that.” 

“So, it’s over?” Charles didn’t ask the question this time. No. It was Bucky’s voice that formed the words. Jay faltered, then twisted to face him. His eyes seemed afraid, yet hopeful, holding a hestitance that she’d never seen before. He asked something else. 

“Yeah,” she nodded, “It’s over.” 

“Buck’s been acting all sad since he got here, the past few weeks he won’t tell us about that girl back home, maybe you know her?” Dale said, passing his milk over to Frank who happily hummed while observing. Sheepishly, she smiled, “I know of a Frances,” she turned to Bucky, “Say, did you see her again?”

“Nah, that was before,” Charles explained, “This girl’s more recent, rejected like three or four weeks ago, just before he came back.”

“How many times have I said that I’m fine?” Bucky hissed, “You won’t know her, and she didn’t exactly reject me.” Red started to creep up his neck as Bucky shook his head, quickly cleaning up his space to stand. Normally, Jay would follow, but this time she watched him walk away without another word, tossing his trash before storming out of the cafe, because all she saw was a walking lie. Something inside of her deflated and her stomach twisted, yet she wasn’t nauseous. 

For years, she’d nearly worshiped the idea of Bucky, but couldn't find anything wrong with him except for his tendency to piss her off daily. He’d stuck it through with her, been kind, overly nice, held her when she cried, even Jelena loved him for God’s sake. And that admiration for him seemed to die away, replaced with disappointment as he still didn’t tell her the truth, holding it in as he looked into her eyes. It felt like Steve all over again, a punch in the teeth so violent, the blood made her choke on her confrontation.

He had no issue lying, that was apparent, and he had no issue manipulating the factors around him. Jay’s eyes lingered on the door.

“Look, I’m not exaggerating, one mention of her and he blows a fuse like we’re on the frontlines,” Dale raised his eyebrows, “We thought you’d know, since you’re buddies.” Oh, she did know, but if he’d refused to even say her name, refused to talk about her for the past three years, Jay was skeptical of the validity of that night, what he said he wanted from her. With her. 

“He’s… different,” she said, sighing, “Whatever, I’m gonna head out. Frank?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming,” he rose with Jay, waving to Charles and Dale who whispered amongst themselves. They walked out into the fields, the dawn illuminating the sky pink and purple, slivers of blue beginning to mix in. Step by step, Frank and Jay walked in unison, basking in the quiet of the camp that they’d learned would turn into chaos within a few short minutes. Bucky’d spent years here, told her nothing about what it was like here, and she was realizing just how little he said, or just how many subjects he’d changed when her curiosity got the best of her.

“Have you heard from your brother?”

Jay’s head snapped towards Frank, stuttering, “No.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh,” Frank pursed his lips, “Nevermind then.”

They’d gotten to their bunks, lining up quickly after a once over their situations to ensure not a speck of dust was out of place. Like clockwork, Lieutenant Kramer barged in, throwing the doors open with a shout, “Attention!” Each and every soldier scrambled to their bunks, standing with their hands by their sides, eyes up. He quickly inspected each bunk, then pulled the doors open for them to file out of in a line. 

In step, that was what they’d taught them. How to walk in time, synchronized with the people beside you. Jay listened to the sound of the boots vibrating through the Earth, lining her feet up with them as she blindly followed the lieutenant to wherever they were going to train next. 

But Colonel Emmett was there. In the same clearing they always did their warm-ups in, Lieutenant Kramer brought them in, had them line up, and it was then that Jay spotted the Colonel leaned up against a tree, silently observing. She was sure he had other business to attend to, since his office had been filled to the brim with files, with all of the other officers and ranking soldiers he had to supervise. But he didn’t move from his spot, save for taking a seat at the base of the trunk, nor did he say a word. 

Not when they warmed up, breaking their bodies down, working each individual muscle. Not when they ran sprints, counting in unison, not when the conditioned. Even when they lined up to run the trail, he simply sat in the back of the truck, facing towards them and watched Jay. It was obvious, the way his eyes bored into hers the entire time, not a single word uttered between them, but every soldier was aware of his attention solely on her. Emmett refused to respond to Lieutenant Kramer, making him shrug and continue to give his lectures, shouting orders for them to quickly comply with. 

He was there all week. Without fail, he showed up. Sitting quietly, taunting her with his presence. And she didn’t mention it once. Not to the table, nor did she allow Frank to bring it up, quickly changing the subject. It was screwing with her, screwing with her performance, as anger worked its way into her bones with each task. Each day, she stared straight back into his eyes, until she had to blink and turn her attention back to the training. 

Like a ghost, he lingered around her. He passed by their table each day, at breakfast, at dinner. 

After days of this, after days of his haunting, Jay was fed up. And it didn’t help that they'd handed her a knife. Finally, they’d reached combat, allowing her to take out her frustration, pinning Frank to the ground within seconds, a frown printed on her face while Frank just laughed at the ease she moved with. “You do this before?”

“Sorta,” she shrugged, holding her hand out for him to hoist himself up with, “I lived in a boxing gym, it's the same kind of thing here.”

“Remind me to never piss you off,” Frank huffed, dusting himself off. His eyes crinkled, and Jay spared him a side grin, “Nah, I wouldn’t do that to you.” 

It was then that Kramer made his mistake, ordering them into a single file line, and handing the first soldier three knives. She stood at the back of the line, staring into the back of Frank’s head, readying herself for a long wait. She crossed her arms, widing her stance as she stared down at the grass, but then she heard the lieutenant shout, and then a slicing woosh of air. 

Craning her neck, Jay peered over the long line, catching sight of the target standing with a knife in its outer ring. In a blink of an eye, a second knife lodged itself just a few inches away, and then a third into the second ring. Jay sucked in a breath, looking away. Her eyes focused on the grass, following a rolly polly that minded its own business, wasn’t threatened by the prospect of war. But it was, and it wasn’t even aware. 

Everything, as small and as large, whether it was aware or not, was threatened by the conflict of humans. Jay recalled what she’d told Colonel Emmett, as the man himself moved across the plain to get a view of her, his intentions clear. Her blood boiled under her bronze skin, intensifying the heat that stuck to her. She forced herself to stare at the ground, too aware of Colonel Emmett’s unrelenting presence. He wanted her to kill, to hone in her skills, to use it to end the war. 

Knives endlessly sliced through the air, giving her a preview as to what would be happening in battle. The last resort, Kramer had explained, if your gun had jammed, the unexpected, and they were trying to gun you down - a simple knife to the chest would solve it. It would give precious time to run for the hills. Up until then, she snapped out of her daze and she realized Kramer held out the knives for her to take, having plucked them from the corkboard they’d spray painted in attempts to reserve resources. Jay took the blades, dropping two of them to the ground by her boots.

A crowd had formed, the rest of the group bored out of their minds. Jay thought it through, coming to a decision within seconds of pulling her left leg back, the corresponding hand slowly lifting the weighted blade. Emmett had a point. How would she protect Bucky? Surely they’d be shipped out to separate places, and that hadn’t been an issue she considered when enlisting, not something she knew about when sweating in the doctor's office. 

Jay mimicked the motion, mirroring what she’d watched so many boys do out in the baseball field behind their school, mimicking Whit Wyatt in flinging the weapon straight into the center. Years of aiming, either a pillow at Steve’s head, or her fists into Toby’s open hands, the gun range with her mother, her father’s gun in hand, Jay didn’t sweat it. 

Crouching , Jay picked up the remaining knives, one in each hand. First her left hand threw the knife into the center, centimeters away from its triplet. Out of nowhere, in the split second that Jay glanced down to the gleam of the straight, military grade blade, Colonel Emmett had rushed to the target, uninterested as he pulled out the knives to throw to the side, pressing his back against the colored rings, staring into her soul. Entertain me, his eyes begged her. Jay’s breath hitched, but she did not choke. 

This could go very badly, possibly ending in a murder charge. 

Despite all of the risks, she’d made her mind up. There was no use in asking the Colonel to move, not when she wanted to send a message only he’d understand. So Jay didn’t hesitate, nor did she allow anyone to predict her next move as she simply pulled her hand back and cast the knife. 

Jay heard Kramer shout while the observing soldiers gasped, but she and Emmett didn’t move, sharing an understanding. Their eyes locked together as the knife dug into the cork just beside his ear, barely a centimeter away from slicing his cartilage like a stray cat. 

Then, he did the unexpected. A bright grin spread his lips, something the group, including Jay, had never seen. His eyes crinkled, and he reached up to grab the handle, and shouted across to Jay, “You’re in the wrong group, soldier! If you wanna be rewarded, you should have listened to me!” 

The colonel picked up the knives, handing them back to the speechless lieutenant before walking over to Jay, leaning into her space, his hot breath fanning over her ear, “Next time, go for the head.”

With that, he stalked out of the clearing, finally leaving Jay alone. She had to fight a satisfied smile because now all she had to do was wait. 

—-

A hand clamped over her limp mouth, “Don’t scream.” 

The voice came from above, startling Jay out of her sleep. Her eyes shot open, the grunt rumbling out of her throat muffled by the hand ambushing her. Panic took over, disgusting memories forcing her to violently shove the hand off, instantly sitting up with her fist raised. 

“Woah there,“ her eyes focused in the dark, widening at the realization it was Colonel Emmett with his hands up, “You don’t wanna do that.” 

Confused, Jay looked around, turning in her bed to reach her watch sitting on the nightstand. “You’d be surprised,” she mumbled, bleary eyed and exhausted. Her blanket pooled around her waist, falling off of where she’d hoisted it to her shoulders, and her binder squeezed tightly around her chest. 

“Get your boots on,” Colonel Ememtt ordered, to which she responded, “It’s past curfew.” 

Emmett shot her a look, “Do you really care?” He straightened to his full height when she shook her head, “Thought so.” Jay threw her blanket aside, mindlessly pulling her shoes on before grabbing her watch and following Emmett out of the bunks. She slipped through the door as she clasped her watch around her left wrist, sighing into the cool night that obscured the camp. 

Where are we going?” Jay huffed, pushing her hair out of her face.

“We’re going to get you ready.” 

“Ready for what?” 

“The sniper program,” he responded, “Keep up.” 

Jay complied, skipping a few steps to walk next to the colonel, smirking, “Took you long enough.” Colonel Emmett didn’t even acknowledge what she said. Honestly, she was trusting him a little too much, to go with him to God knows where without protest. Man or not, she didn’t know what he wanted to do with her. But she didn’t ask, didn’t really want to know.  She was slowly learning the lay of the land, but in the dark, she relied on Emmett’s sense of direction. 

It seemed they walked forever, finally halting, and Colonel Emmett hummed as he worked a power box, flipping a switch. Jay squinted, groaning at the flash of light that illuminated the clearing. Once her eyes relaxed, and adjusted she finally noticed where they were, the same clearing Jay’d been late to, where she’d made her first impression.

Jay noticed storage bins, targets, racks full of weapons and mats laying around.

“I’ve been watching you,” Colonel Emmett confessed, “You’re a hell of a soldier.” Jay fought the urge to reply, letting him think in silence, “You’re very proficient with combat, handy with a gun, can aim like a madman, and you’re smart, smartass too. Who taught you all of this? And why haven’t I met you until now?” 

“With the way you’re talking, I’d think you’re fond of me, Colonel,” Jay tugged on her hair, pushing the short curls back.

“No, you piss me off, but I can’t help but wonder,” he remarked, “I mean, I’ve seen your brother, and that guy’s absolutely clueless. Why are you different?” Jay’s jaw dropped momentarily before she swiftly picked it up, swallowing her surprise with a painful gulp. She’d heard that question so many times before, seen the confusion dilating pupils as people attempted to comprehend the strange pair of siblings. But it’d never been mean in the way that Emmett did, not impressed. Everyone else had been afraid, disgusted. Even the grandparents she’d spent time with, working in hopes to learn about her heritage while making a few extra dollars, even those that had been shunned by the rest of the city turned the same scornful eye towards her brown skin and textured hair. 

She’d seen the Turkish mothers with obviously curly hair brush it out into a fluffy, frizzy lion’s mane, convincing themselves they had straight hair. Honestly, it was weird to hear Colonel Emmett impressed, by her no less.

But Steve… How’d he know?

Why did everyone seem to know her traitorous brother? What could he have done? “You’ve… met my brother.”

“Yeah,” Colonel Emmett shrugged, tugging a mat out to drop onto the grass, “He’s all skin and bone.”

“You said you met him, just where did you meet him?” She didn’t even know where he was, which base he was at, he’d just packed up and left. Emotion she couldn’t deal with filled her chest when Emmett responded, “I saw him, observed him, didn’t talk to him. I’d heard so much about the war’s future savior, so I had to check it out. He’s brave, I’ll give him that, but now he’s the circus clown running errands for Phillips, getting people to buy bonds.” He didn’t sound like he was a fan of this Phillips guy, but she didn’t push as she tried to process the information. 

All that came out of her mouth was the internal worry she’d carried since he left, “So he’s okay, safe?”

“He’s safe alright,” Emmett scoffed, “Why’re you asking so many questions, I thought you’d know all of this.”

Jay grimaced, joining him on the mat, “We’re not exactly talking.” And all her superior asked was, “Does Barnes know?” She nearly rolled her eyes, she hadn’t spoken to her best friend in days,,only acknowledging each other at meals as she still furiously held in the information her Colonel had revealed to her. To her disappointment, Bucky was in no rush to mention anything. 

“No.” Finally, with a sigh, he left it at that, switching his mindset while rigidity resettled into his broad shoulders. When he stood across from her, Jay realized just how big he was. She’d noticed from the moment she saw him, a tall muscular man that his previous generals must have worshipped, but with him crouching, getting into a stance she’d seen Toby get into millions of times, he brought himself down to her level. Instead of shouting instructions mid swing, like Toby would do, Colonel Emmett muttered, “Don’t hold back.” 

It was a warning, but she didn’t care. “No tape?” Just as she asked,the Colonel surged forward. Jay had been preparing for this since she started working at Toby’s gym. It was for protection of course but Jay had gotten good, nearly always beating Toby when they practiced. So she dodged, and smirked, “I’m not going to hit an old man.”

Colonel Emmett took it as a joke, as she intended it to be, raising his eyebrows, “I’m old? I bet I’m only a couple of months older than you.” Rushing, he pushed her shoulder, “Come on, no mercy, hit me.”

“Oh really?” Jay asked, finally swinging at his face, “What year were you born?”

Instead of ducking, or moving out of the way, Colonel Emmett blocked the punch. He threw her hand down but she threw another, this time at his neck. He quickly grabbed her wrist, twisting it away from him. Jay reached her free hand to pull her forearm towards her chest, freeing it from his chest and then ramming her elbow into his nose. No mercy. 

Colonel Emmett’s head lurched back, Jay using both hands to grab his left shoulder. She pulled him into her knee, and he doubled over in pain. Toby’s voice echoed through her mind, telling her exactly what to target, where he was weak.

Her superior managed to push her away, making her stumble back. He swung his leg to kick her but Jay took his ankle and pulled him . He lost balance, knee buckling and causing him to fall on his back. Colonel Emmett groaned as the air was knocked out of his lungs. He jumped up to push Jay, to see how far his soldier could go. 

Jay spun around, throwing her leg up in a kick, something she’d just learned from Kramer, but quickly integrated into her skillset. He narrowly dodged, drawing his head back so quickly his neck rolled, only to have Jay launching punches. His forearms drew up in defense, intercepting her fists. Between hits, she caught sight of his grey eyes narrowing, and she didn’t expect him to drop to a crouch, his hands catching him on the grass as he forcefully swiped her legs out from under her.

Falling backwards, Jay grunted as the air was knocked out of her lungs, the beautiful stars in the sky spinning. She lay there, while Emmett circled her, leaning over her to say, “1903.” 

“1917,” Jay coughed out, rolling onto her side before forcing herself up to her feet.“Seems a little longer than a few months. Don’t you think?”

Colonel Emmet was on something else entirely, “You’re perfect for the program,” he told her, planting his hands on his hips. 

“You’ve said that, and I literally just lost,” Jay pointed out, furrowing her eyebrows, “Why are you so adamant?” He started shaking his head, catching his breath. “You’re not getting it, Rogers. It’s not about winning, it’s about holding your own.”Jay rolled her eyes, but he breathed, “Look at me, you got back up. You didn’t get pissy about losing, you’ve only been here a week, and you’re already got me, a colonel with fifteen years under his belt, huffing and puffing like I’m a senior citizen. That’s what I see, not a loss, but something to work on.” 

Jay was sweating, so she pulled off her sweater, throwing it to the side as Colonel Emmett continued, “You were beating that boy’s ass today,” Emmett said, “and that’s not to say he’s bad, he’s a good soldier, but you’re better. You need to be in a group, surrounded by people, on your level. I may not like you all that much, you’ve got a mouth on you, but I can see that you don’t belong in a squad of dimwitted idiots looking to prove something to themselves.” 

“It’s just that you’re afraid of heights.” Colonel Emmett said, “It’s messing you up, you should have finished that obstacle course with minutes to spare, but you got stuck. Why is that?” 

Jay hesitated, only for him to clarify, “If you’re gonna be a sniper, you’re gonna be in some high places.” 

“I was a stupid kid. My mom and Steve would go to church every Sunday, and I hated staying in the house all by myself. So, I’d go around the city, screw around. I ended up scaling this empty facility that used to store beer, and I lost my balance. I hit my head, since then, I don’t trust myself.” 

“I was never a fan of church either,” Emmett replied, crossing his arms over his chest, “Don’t tell no one though.” He pondered, “Maybe you can try to go slowly up. Climb those trees like you used to,” He suggested. “The higher you go up, the easier it gets.” 

Jay looked up at the tall pine trees surrounding them. “Absolutely not.” Sweat slicked her palms, and she was thankful she’d decided to shed the crewneck, left in her tank top that highlighted her flat chest, to convince Emmett of her manliness. Surprisingly, the colonel simply nodded, “Suit yourself.” He left her behind, walking to the forest,the edges illuminated by the lamp posts. He decided on a tall thick tree, his hands digging into the strong base. 

She watched him easily pull himself up onto the first branch, calling out, “Don’t expect me to catch you if you fall.”

“Same here!” Emmett responded, making his way up, face relaxed.

“I won’t be climbing any time soon,” Jay shot back and he audibly laughed at her. 

“You will be if you want your watch back.”

Oh no he didn’t. Jay instantly checked her hand, gasping when her watch was nowhere to be found. Her body froze, craning her neck to spot Colonel Emmett halfway up, huffing as he plopped down on a branch, swinging his legs up in the air. His face scrunched up, digging into his pocket to pull out her watch, gangling it by the leather band, the silver rim reflecting the moonlight. “Please don’t,” she pleaded, “Don’t make me go up there.”

“I’m not making you do anything, it’s your choice if you want the watch back.” 

She blew out a frustrated breath, stomping towards the same tree. Only halfway, that’s all she had to do. She could do that. Jay’d done that before. Taking in shaky breaths, Jay shut her eyes, before pulling herself up along the trunk. Hastily, the soldier moved up the height of the tree, refusing to look down, staring at the brown bark that nearly matched her own complexion. 

Her palms screamed out to let go, the rough texture ripping the skin apart, yet she clutched on for dear life. She hadn’t even noticed Colonel Emmett had reached the top, leaving her behind until she froze, chest heaving due to the struggle for air. Fear rattled her bones, and she squeezed her eyes shut. Then Colonel Emmett called down to her, “You doing okay, Rogers?”

“No!” Jay shouted. She looked up, finally noticing his travel, and she cursed at him, “To Hell with this! Keep the damn watch! My mother never liked it anyway!” That was a lie, but she could feel her mom’s disappointment, could practically feel her pounding hard reverberating through the Earth, and then she realized, that was her own. Her pulse thudded in her throat, begging her to descend.

“But you’re so close” 

Jay shook her head, “ I can’t.” 

“Come on, you gotta look around. It’ll help.” It was compelling, really. Jay wanted her fear to go away, to disappear and never come back but it was the way her body reacted, not letting a muscle even ripple while being up this high. “Open your eyes, look up, look down, look at something.” When she refused, Emmett added, “That’s an order.”

Of course Jay wanted to please her colonel, after being a pain for so long, acting out each time she was confronted by him. So she did the bare minimum. Colonel Emmett was starting to think it was a bad idea until he saw Jay forced her eyes open for a millisecond and shut them once again. “You must really like this watch.” 

It was her father’s. The only thing she had left of him, the only thing Steve had left behind. It was his, he’d been the one to wear it each day without fail. When she’d been packing, she couldn’t just leave it behind. She’d be damned if she’d let this bastard win. Pulling herself up another yard, Jay strained and barked, “That’s my father’s!”

“One day you’re going to need this, one day it’ll be life and death.” Emmett yelled back, waiting for her to reach him, “Ain’t no one in this world that plays fair, get used to it.” Toby’d said the same thing, reminded her every time, every fight. Made sure she knew it deep in her soul. She knew that, she’d known this for years. It sparked something in her, her feet burning as though there were a fire lit under her ass, threatening to burn if she halted for a single second. This, all of this, was only happening because she was a man. Nothing had changed, she wasn’t different, she’d always been this skilled, this intelligent. But it took a haircut and a flat chest for her to get that recognition, to be praised for it all. 

They wouldn’t even let her into the room if she’d remained a woman, no, they’d laugh at the idea. 

Colonel Emmett’s boot’s dangled just above her, so she reached up, and tugged him down. His hips slid off of the branch, causing him to yelp. While he balanced himself beside Jay, the branch twisting under their weight, Jay snatched the watch, “That was low.”

“Believe me, I can go lower,” Colonel Emmett stopped her by grabbing her wrist, she’d started to descend, “Sit with me. You did all of this work already.” 

Jay just huffed, sitting on a branch just a little lower than his. Her hands tingled, it was too high up. She wanted to get down, but she had to face her fears. She had to do this for Bucky, had to do it to stay by his side, no matter how angry she was at him. Colonel Emmett was smart, but he had taken a lucky guess with the watch. Take in a few deep breaths, just breathe, you’ll be fine, she thought to herself, gazing out to the night sky. 

In all the years she’d spent hiding away at the orphanage, she’d never seen the horizon of trees, only the stars twinkling in the sky. She’d only lay on the deck, arms folded under her head, legs crossed over the other as she drew out the constellations with her hazel eyes. Now, she could see the never ending sea of forest, blending out into the dark sky. The warm glow of light from the clearing warmed her skin, contrasting the cool wind brushing under her calves. 

Nothing could compare. Yes, her heart still thumped in her chest, and she was aware of just how much space there was to fall through, but the view silenced any fear penetrating her brain. 

Her wild eyes looked around, every ragged breath hurting as she saw how high she was, but the pain felt so, so good. She was going to fall, she was sure of it, either for the view or to the ground. “This isn’t so bad,” she mumbled. 

She’d spoken too soon. 

Their combined weight placed on the top few branches, the thinnest branches, was a bad idea. Jay heard a crackle, wood splitting before she felt it.

Allah had told her once to never climb again, and she stupidly had ignored the warning. Colonel Emmett froze and she could feel her hands start to sweat, not now please. Cursing loudly, Emmett threw his body across the grab onto a neighboring branch, his body hanging on by his armpit, but it was too late. The arm beneath Jay gave way, not giving her a chance to climb back down. With the watch wrapped tightly around her wrist, Jay bit her tongue until it drew blood as her body became weightless. 

A scream ripped out of her chest, her hands flailing for something to grab on. She heard Colonel Emmett curse, but he didn’t move, watching Jay fall to her death. She had been warned and she didn’t listen. Jay was a moron, a total moron. No one was awake, she’d hit her head on impact, maybe die instantly, or be left paralyzed like she’d been as a young child. Instead of a ceiling, she’d watch the stars fade out into black. Her chest tightened under the binder, slamming through thick branches, beating her body blue. 

What would Emmett do? Drop down to the ground, drag her body into the river? Carry her back to camp, hoping to wake a nurse? What would they do? They had no technology on the base, Jay knew that only because of Bucky’s trip to the hospital in the city each time he broke a limb, explaining that the medical center on base wasn’t advanced enough for a broken leg, so her spine would be doomed to rot away. 

Wind whipped through her hair, stinging her scalp and scar. It was only a few seconds that she fell, but it seemed time had slowed as  tears rushed to her eyes, falling down her cheeks so quickly it would have felt like a thunderstorm to the ants crawling on the ground where she should have remained. Her screams booming, the thwacks of leaves against her bare skin. Would they find Steve to go to the funeral? Would they let Bucky out to attend? Was she going to spend her last moments thinking about two men? She had no time left. Her eyes leaked tears from their wide state. 

Splinters rained when she fell, due to slamming every limb of the tree, flipping onto her stomach and back as the force redirected her body. 

Suddenly, a miracle occurred, her pants catching on the lowest arm of the tree, stopping her fall. From the momentum she rebounded back up, another shriek. She was already close to the ground. Only a few feet more and she would have had a shattered skull. Jay hung upside down. Blood rushed to her head, pressure building. Sobs wracked her body and she thrashed so hard that her pant leg ripped, sending her crashing to the ground. Jay managed to catch herself, feeling pain shoot up her hands. 

With adrenaline pumping through her body, she pushed herself up to her feet, sprinting to the center of the clearing, throwing herself to the ground to steer clear of the trees. Her heart pounded, blood throbbing in her veins as her ears muffled, but she could feel the vibrations of Emmett’s stomping as he reached the ground. “Rogers! Are you okay?” He shouted, his voice panicked at the sight of Jay laying face down, groaning in pain. 

She coughed, struggling to regain her breath, sitting up to assess herself. The fear subsided after a few seconds, and she forced herself to remember the view while tracing her bleeding pams over the cuts, bruises, and rashes marking her skin, the red blood glistening on her bronze skin, coating it with a reminder of her humanity. She swallowed, her throat painfully dry. But she checked her watch, checked the lens. 

It was pristine, undamaged. If something as fragile as a vintage watch could withstand a fall, then so could she. 

Colonel Emmett was standing behind her, waiting for her to break down, cry out that a bone was broken, never look him in the eyes again. But she wiped her hands off on her pants, picking a leaf out of her hair, and panted, “That wasn’t so bad.” 

Colonel Emmett had a crooked grin, chuckling to himself, “I must say, you’re growing on me.” He held out a hand, pulling her up to her feet, “You sure you don’t need a doctor.” Vehemently shaking her head, Jay refused. She looked around at all of the awaiting equipment, the night still barely halfway through. 

“I know I survived that, but I hope you didn’t set this all up for me.” She gestured to the racks of weapons, the targets lined up. 

Her superior shook his head, “No, no, this is all for the snipers.” He gripped Jay’s shoulder, guiding her away from the clearing. He even bent over and picked up her sweater on the way out, “You’ll be doing all of this tomorrow, I think you’ve earned your spot in the program. Don’t you?” 

She nodded, speechless, her skin buzzed. 

Promptly, he returned her to the bunks, ensuring she stepped inside before leaving her alone to her thoughts.Jay headed straight for the bathroom, unable to hide the gasp that escaped her. In the mirror, she could see that half of her face was red, scraped and surely going to bruise within the next few hours. A gash spanned her right cheek, scratches surrounding it. That was what she could see without even turning the light on.

Stripping off the tank top, casting it aside on the floor next to her discarded sweater, Jay finally revealed her binder. Without another second going by, she unbuttoned her binder and pulled it off. “Oh, thank God,” She breathed, taking a deep breath of air without restriction. Then she assessed her injuries in the mirror. The tree must did a number on her

Bruises littered her stomach, a cut leaked blood down her hips and red marks seemed to appear everywhere. Yes, the free breathing was great but the pain coming with it was not as great. 

Also pulling down her pants, Jay checked her thighs and calves did anything, gratefully pulling them back up with the information that her legs were seemingly unaffected. She grabbed a handful of napkins, blotting the blood away, washing her arms despite the stinging to get a clear view of the superficial wounds.

Running the wet napkin over her face like she used to do to Steve, she cringed from stinging pain. Hissing as she wore her clothes, Jay packed up her things to unlock the door, wandering in the dark until she could step into the moonlight filling the bunks. Practically waddling and half limping back to her bunk, Jay struggled to get back into her bed. She didn’t fall asleep, no position comfortable enough for her to relax. 

Before she knew it, the lights snapped on, the crowned sergeant of the room taking it upon himself to wake the rest of the soldiers up, a wave of groans sounding as men struggled to twist themselves out of bed. Without wasting a second, Jay sat up, getting up out of bed. She managed to make her bed perfectly, changing into her uniform and brushing her hair. Since Jay had already been awake, she got to use the bathroom first, relieving herself, washing her hands and brushing her teeth. 

There was already a line forming when she walked out, eyes lingering on her appearance. 

Jay stopped by Frank’s bed, sitting on the edge as her friend tried to steal a few more seconds of his beauty sleep. “Frank, wake up.” She shook his shoulders. 

“Two more minutes,” he moaned, shoving his face into his pillow. 

“I have to tell you something.” No response. A slap across his face got him shooting hup, “Frank!”

“What?” Frank snapped, then his eyes opened, and he yelped, “What the-”

“Shut up,” she copied Colonel Emmett, covering his mouth, “I’m well aware I look a mess. That’s not what’s important. I’m being moved to the sniper program.”

Frank’s eyes widened, and she grew afraid he’d be angry. She’d be leaving him all alone, and she knew he was shy, at least around the soldiers in their squad. But then she felt him smile against her palm, darting his tongue out to make Jay withdraw from him with a sound of disgust. “That’s awesome, man!”

She waited for Frank to get ready, waiting for him to sneak in with another man to brush his teeth and rejoin her to exit and make their way over to the cafe. Frank shoved his hands into his pockets, wiping the sleep out of his eyes, yawning. “You sure you ain’t mad?”

Frank smiled, elbowing her, “Nah, now you can’t beat me up, you were making me look like a dud. Maybe you’ll get a taste of your own medicine with the snipers,” he joked, making her lightly chuckle. 

“I think I already did,” she replied, aware of the eyes on her bruises.

Jay’d realized just how much she hated walking alone. She’d been fine before, completely okay with spending time alone, away from the people she hated. She never cared before, she’d known people were staring because she’d had some semblance of beauty that drew people in. But without her hair, the cropped haircut she sported, the bland clothes, and the scrawny figure she walked in, Jay’d grown self conscious in the little time she’d been there. The stares, she knew weren’t out of attraction, nor desire, but concern or disgust. Jay knew she’d be a topic of discussion and not in the way she used to pride herself on .

They mixed in  with the other soldiers on their way to breakfast, getting into line to grab their meals. Somehow, without fail, Bucky and his buddies were sitting at the table. She didn’t understand how they could get ready so quickly to get into the cafeteria before anyone else. Both Frank and her, plopped down in their usual seats, “Good morning,” she said, digging into her food. 

“Good morning…” Dale trailed, rubbing his eyes to make sure he wasn’t still asleep. Everyone was still half asleep but Dale’s comments had made them turn to look at her. Charles gasped and Bucky’s jaw dropped.

“That’s what I said!” Frank exclaimed.

Bucky completely forgot about his food, though Jay had started to unwrap her bland sandwich

“What happened?” Scooting closer just to inspect her, her best friend lifted his hands, he hesitated but when Jay nodded with her eyes directed at the table. She knew he wouldn’t rest until he got his hands on her, so he cupped her face and pulled it closer to him. “You didn’t look like this last night.” His thumb grazed over the cut on her cheekbone, “Did someone do this?”

“You look like a plum, Jay, no offense,” Dale told her, his eyes lingering on her hands, analyzing the rash and scrapes, “Even my hands don’t look like that when I have to wrangle the cows in ‘fore it’s fixin’ to rain.”

She simply stated, “I sleep walk, and I smacked hard into a pole.”

“No you don't,” Bucky said, “I have literally never ever heard of you sleepwalking in the two decades I have known you.” 

Jay glared at him, “It started when I came to camp.”

“No,” he chastised, “it did not, you would have told me.”

“Are you sure about that?” she sniped, “I don’t think we tell each other everything.” Bucky’s hands loosened around her face, slowly dropping to his lap as he looked at her like a wounded animal, his eyes betrayed. 

“A pole wouldn’t do that,” Charles piped in.

Jay huffed, “Fine, Colonel Emmett worked with me past curfew, he was trying to help me out with my fear of heights. I climbed a tree,” she gestured to her wounds, “As you can see, it didn’t work out so well.”

Charles and Dale stared at her, with disbelief and then soon she saw smiles start to show. Jay returned to her abandoned sandwich, taking a full bite. 

About three quarters done with the mean, Jay asked Charles, “What are you doing today?”

Charles furrowed his eyebrows, “They said something about weaponry today, maybe an obstacle course, why?” Shoving the rest of her sandwich into her mouth, Jay spoke with a full mouth,“I’m joining the sniper program.”

The table halted. Dale nearly choked, wheezing into his arm. Bucky met his eyes, then interjected, “Like our sniper program?”

“Is there another one I don’t know about?”

“I mean, no.” Bucky answered his own question. “So you changed your mind?” Jay nodded in response, smiling at the congratulations Charles muttered to her. He stared at her, indignant at her indifference, the attitude she kept directing to solely Bucky. As if he didn’t know why, as if he didn’t deliberately choose to not tell her. If he didn tell her, she wouldn’t utter another word. Shame on him for making her look stupid.

Frank left first, embarking on his journey back to the bunks solo. And she stood with Charles as he told the remaining soldiers, “I’ll show Jay the way, you take your time, princesses.” Dale smirked at that before murmuring to Bucky as Jay joined the red-head to march out, the sun rising steadily. He seemed to sense her uneasiness, “You’ll do perfectly fine, especially if you moved up so quickly, it took me like a year to get to where you already are.”

Jay put on a brave face, “Thanks.”

“So we have two officers for our squad, Norman and Whittaker,” Charles explained, heading in the direction of where Emmett had brought her the night before. “Norman’s a little nicer than Whittaker, but they’re both pretty tame. Well, at least I think so, but we’ve been here for a while.” 

“It should be fine compared to Kramer, that guy’s a lunatic,” Jay grumbled.

Once they entered the clearing, the branches that had broken off from Jay’s fall were still sitting under the tree, taunting Jay. She swallowed the lump in her throat, and Charles pointed out who was who. The officers were in the middle of a discussion, Whittaker holding a clipboard, showing something to Norman who sipped on a mug. But Jay couldn’t tell who was who, they looked identical.

“You didn’t mention they were twins.”

“I thought it was obvious.” 

She glared at him, but trekked forward nonetheless. Once Jay got within hearing distance, the men cut off their conversation, their brown eyes landing on her. Jay stood rigid, hand going up to her forehead. She saluted them, waited for Whittaker to flick his hand before relaxing and introduced herself, “I’m Jay Rogers. I was sent over by Colonel Emmett.”

Norman, yes, the brother with the coffee mug, swallowed and looked at Whittaker, glancing at the clipboard, “Oh yes, we just got your papers.” Officer Whittaker analyzed her, flipping through the papers for his twin to read, “Colonel Emmett was very happy when dropping these off, he’d mentioned he had a soldier he wanted us to meet, I’d reckon that’s you?” 

Jay nodded, “Yes sir, that’s me.”

Then she remembered what she looked like when the twins’ expressions matched, the apprehension etching between their bushy eyebrows. Their eyes swept over her body, taking in her form. “We won’t be starting for a little while, you can just hang around until then.” She nodded, then turned on her heel to rejoin her friend who stood around, whistling to himself.

Charles didn’t ask how it went, and she knew he’d been listening the entire time, so while they waited, small talk was the only thing traded between them. Men trailed in slowly, assembling a line, swinging their arms around in their spot, some stretching, the others. Finally, the other half of their group jogged in, Dale taking his spot beside Charles, and Bucky, unfortunately beside Jay on the edge of the line. 

Jay didn’t spare him a glance, evening out the distance before standing at attention. 

Officer Norman was the one to place his fingers atop his tongue, whistling to grab the squad’s attention. In a heartbeat, each soldier had thrown their hand up in salute. Jay’s eyes widened, and she followed in a second to mimic the stance, internally cursing when Whittaker’s eyes flicked over to her. 

Slowly, but surely, they began their warm up. From marching in place, even the height of their ankles in sync, to burpees, the officers got all of the soldiers to break a sweat before the sun had fully risen. Her nerves had heightened the second Bucky’s presence smothered her. Jay could feel him beside her, hear his light panting. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see him, see the show she felt she was meant to watch. His focused expression, jaw tensed as he pushed himself to keep up, and his muscles pumping under his short sleeves. During their warm up, they also had to call out the numbers. Hearing Bucky grunt and then shout out a number was something she didn’t know she needed. At the same time, she hoped he didn’t hear how weak her voice was.

Finally, they came to a halt, the Norman taking over as Whittaker began to walk over to the rack of guns, handing them out to the soldiers who took them like it was nothing. No matter how many times she’d used a gun, the weight was still peculiar. “We’ve got someone new with us,” Officer Norman called out, looking over his brother’s clipboard, marking something down. “His name’s Jay Rogers.” He glanced up at her, “Rogers, why don’t you give us a wave?” 

Everyone turned to stare at her, Charles and Dale smug while Bucky’s eyes remained directed forward. She smiled sheepishly, complying with a quick raise of her hand, tilting her chin downard in greeting. This was completely different from her night shows, no beautiful dress to cover up her insecurity. She gulped when Officer Norman smiled mischievously. “I think Rogers did pretty well for our warm up, correct?” He looked at his brother expectantly, who nodded. “I think he’d do a good job demonstrating our obstacle course.” Right, Charles had mentioned an obstacle course. 

Jay let out a shaky breath when they jogged out of the clearing, her eyes fluttering shut as they ran through camp, all the way down to a completely new obstacle course. She kept up with Dale, Charles and Bucky trailing behind them. Once they slowed, and Jay could see the extent of the course, she muttered, “Well, shit.” 

Dale huffed a laugh, “I can’t wait for this.” She shot him a glare, only for him to shrug and snicker. It was as though she was Moses with the way the soldiers parted like the Red Sea where Officer Whittaker handed her a rifle and a sash of bullets to hang over her head. She threaded her right arm through so the casings rested against her back and flattened chest. 

She readied herself at the starting line as her comrades lined the sides to analyze her. This was definitely a dream. How was she doing this right now? Normally she’d be perfectly fine to show off, ruin a man’s ego but this was her first day. She didn’t know any of them. The only thing that comforted her churning stomach was knowing that if she did well, then she’d probably gain their respect. Probably. She’d quickly noticed that she was the only dark skinned person there, and that put a wrench in her plans.

Jay didn’t dare looking at her friends, keeping her eyes directed to the obstacles ahead of her.

“Most of it is pretty self explanatory, no going around an obstacle or skipping it. Any targets you see, shoot at it, there will be a red flag at the end.” She was told, and without another second, a whistle was blown and she sprinted off. 

Since Jay didn’t see any targets yet, she just reached back to holster the rifle onstraps she’d buckled around her shoulders. Leaping off of the ground, Jay’s right foot landed on a platform. She pushed off for her left foot to do the same. She rebounded off of the platforms until she got to the end, jumping off and grabbing onto the monkey bars ahead of her. Her body swung around, but she climbed across until she could jump off and land on the ground. 

Quickly stepping through some tires, Jay then got down on all fours, crawling under wire through fresh, though it hadn’t rained in a while. She was aggressive when waddling through the mud, grunting as she pulled her knees out. Man this was painful even in soft mud like this, her body was aching.Mud splattered on her face and clothes, she saw the opening. Bugs crawled along the sides and rocks plunged into her skin. Jay could have been mistaken for Bigfoot once she got back on her feet. 

There were quite a few walls to jump over, and planks to cross, but she did it all with determination. Her bones ached, the cuts that had started to heal, ripping with each strenuous motion of her body. What she thought to be sweat, was blood dripping down her cheek, staining her pants when she looked down at the plank she ran over.

While crossing, Jay was retrieving and loading her rifle, holding it tight in her hands. Before she ran through a maze of sandbags being held up by terrible woodwork that she could have designed, she pushed the butt against her left shoulder and steadied the forestock with her left hand. The sandbags pummeled against her shoulders and face, even managing to hit her ribs and she grunted loudly.

Finally, the shooting range was revealed to her, relief mixing in with the fresh pain, this she could do.

Running, Jay turned her body to shoot at each target perfectly placed. She didn’t look if she hit the target, just running and shooting. When one side of the targets ended,she turned her body and started on the other side. She was biting the inside of her cheeks the entire time. Everytime she shot, the gun rebounded against her shoulder, jolting pain down her body but she pushed on, she would not quit now. 

In her peripheral vision, Jay could see the program jogging to keep up with her, watching intently.

At the end, Jay turned around, seeing a target at least one hundred feet away from her. Jay got down on one knee, holding the gun steady. She was too shaky, her skin jumping and tugging the gun away from where she saw the center lined up. 

Taking a deep breath, she pulled the gun away from her, shaking out her arms. Then she pressed her cheek against the sleek, black metal, aiming…bullseye.

Spotting the red flag, Jay unloaded the gun. Panting she looked around for one of the twins, the nerves finally rushing through her veins, legs trembling as she stood. Mud saturated her uniform, drying and sticking to her skin. Jay wiped at her forehead, using her shirt to clean off the blood staining her jaw, afraid to look at the rest of the group that caught up to her. 

Officer Norman guffawed at his stopwatch, looking up to his brother who inspected the targets. Jay squeezed her eyes shut, awaiting the ridicule. But then she heard him tell the group, “You’ve all got a new record to beat.” 

—-

This had never happened before, a deepening drift between Jay and Bucky. Everything, Jay went through was with Bucky, she remembered the day she met him, the day he’d joined her and Steve in a soccer match, or a half assed game where it ended up with Steve cheering on his sister as she swept the ball made out of paper and duct tape out of Bucky’s reach, kicking it into the goal. 

She remembered the day’s after school when they’d both had an unspoken agreement to meet up by the dirt field that separated his neighborhood from hers like it was yesterday. Through everything, thick and thin, the man had been beside her. Nearly two decades, and she wasn’t a stranger to fighting with him. 

It was natural to the two, the banter, the annoyance, their tempers that got out of hand when their opinions clashed. In fact, the worst of it was when her mother died, when Jay’d picked up another job, and in her junior year, she nearly dropped out to keep up with the bills. 

It was Bucky who’d instantly escalated the situation, not even a few seconds into his speech as to why it was a horrible idea that he started to shout. Never, ever, say that to me again, don’t even think it, he’d yelled, tears glistening in his eyes for reasons she'd never know. The pure desperation, the immaturity, and need for attention made her shriek back incomprehensible defense at Bucky’s attacks. She would never forget the look on Steve’s face when he walked in on them screaming into each other’s faces, but refused to explain why they’d been arguing. 

There had been days she’d come home exhausted, snap at Bucky, the ache in her bones wouldn’t allow her to smile. Times passed where they wouldn’t acknowledge their presence, moving in silence, just trying to survive. Times when they’d argue and ignore each other. But they’d known why, they’d known they’d get over it. 

This was unknown territory to Jay, neither of them truly aware as to why they got under each other’s skin, why they kept biting out snide comments during meals, why they’d refuse to look at each other during training. She was aware of him all the time. Nothing could make her forget that he stood beside her, his musky scent, his huffing and panting that only made her imagine things she’d never confess. It irritated her, aggravated her that even as angry as she was, she was still so affected by him, that despite knowing he was a liar, she wanted him, she couldn’t convince herself he wasn’t who she thought he was. 

Because even in his anger, even with his attitude that was completely uncalled for, he grew soft the second Jay expressed discomfort. The following weeks, as her bruises slowly healed, and the gashes mended into scabs, he’d scan her face every morning with an obvious long stare raking over her skin. Why was he so kind? Why was he keeping up this facade when he’d been lying. 

The nerve of him to yell at her for illegally enlisting when he’d been dodging the draft the whole time. Since the year the war began, he’d been running. All of the arguments, the times he’d pushed Jay to keep working because if he could do it, then so could she. 

It seemed each day she grew more and more frustrated, glaring at him without shame, forcing him to meet her eyes after weeks of keeping his gaze ahead. If he just confessed, apologized for being a coward, then she’d be able to push past it. But he kept it in, withheld crucial information from his best friend.

One day, she just snapped. 

It had been gloomy, clouds lurking over the forest like it always did in Autumn, threatening to rain on their parade. The camp was depressing as it was already, with the dark, dreary clouds, absolutely no one wanted to be there. It was hot, humid, and the soldiers had no sun to soak into their skin as they prepared for the worst. Jay’d begun sweating before they’d started their conditioning, just a few seconds away from breaking down crying because the humidity had its hand wrapped around her throat, and Bucky’s indignation burning like a fire beside her felt like a life sentence. 

First of all, Bucky started it. It felt childish, but it seemed like every little thing he did only lit her temper on fire. Forced to partner up with the soldier beside her, Jay had to work uncomfortably close to a man she didn’t know if she could call her friend anymore, let alone her best. Between them sat a rifle, standard issue, that she picked up. They readjusted their bodies, laying on their backs to a sit-up position, their feet fitting between the space between each other’s legs, knees knocking together. Officer Whittaker signaled them to begin, forcing Jay to pull her body up, tossing the gun over to Bucky’s outstretched arms, and while Jay lowered herself back down to the ground, she heard Bucky cocking the gun and shooting it at the target fixed between them by the edge of the plain. 

He unloaded it, and threw it over to Jay who caught it midway through a sit-up, quickly mimicking him, shooting before throwing it to him. The exercise, along with the heat, tired Jay out quickly, and she grunted. She didn’t think Bucky heard it until he quipped, “Too much?”

Taking a second for her to understand what he had said, comprehending the first words he’d said to her during training, Jay’s brain short circuited. “Worry about yourself,” she snarled. 

Then during their daily run, in a block, Bucky stepped on the back of her heel, causing her to stumble, and turn back with her teeth bared,”Watch it!” 

LIke the storm accumulating above, Jay’s rage intensified as the day went on, her annoyance at small things tripping her up through every test, every activity, every single thing. Bucky was a nuisance, yet like a ghost, haunted her with his judgmental remarks, his eyerolls at every stare Jay sent his way. And when the day finally ended, when the twins sent everyone back to their bunks to get ready for dinner, the four met up in the middle of the field. Charles and Dale found her dusting herself off, grumbling to herself. 

She jumped when Dale placed a hand on her back, her yelp dissolving into a huff, she reprimanded him for scaring her. “It’s hot.” 

“It’s thicker than pea soup,” Dale corrected her, “Feels like I can drink the air. I thought it was supposed to be cool up North.”

“You stand corrected,” Bucky said from behind her, “But Jay’s obviously not used to it.” Jay began to tune him out as they began to leave the clearing, reaching the passage, a dirt trail between the trees bordering the workspace right when Bucky added, “She really was struggling today, couldn’t you tell?”

Her feet stopped on their own accord, giving Bucky no warning, so he stumbled into her back. She heaved and shoved him back, spinning on her heel with a ferocious scowl, “What is your problem?” Everyone fell silent, Charles and Dale slowing to a stop to see what the commotion was, before sharing a look. Bucky regained his balance, and met her eyes, finally understanding there was no more avoiding it, Jay wouldn’t let him. She couldn’t take anymore of his behavior, not when she knew he could be civil. 

His blue eyes lowered to her, and his jaw tightened. Then he sent a look to their friends, rapidly ticking his chin to dismiss them. Jay started shaking her head, walking back to the empty clearing, refusing to be treated as some sort of spectacle. Bucky followed after her, his boots hurriedly stomping behind her.

“Alright, so you want to do this,” Jay barked, stilling, turning to face him, “You wanna be an ass? You wanna act like you have the high ground? Then let’s do this,” she stared at him in the eyes, “Come on, tell me what about me pisses you off so badly that you have to act like this?” 

Bucky pushed her, “Act like what?” He asked and Jay guffawed. 

“You have to be kidding me right now, are you serious?” She had to be hearing wrong, she must have been in the wrong universe, a dream, this was insane. Then Bucky huffed a laugh, letting out a loud, drawn out, “Oh,” he raised his eyebrows as he rocked back and forth, his finger waving around, “You mean the exact same way you’ve been acting to me? Oh yea, I do know what you’re talking about. What’s that all about?” Bucky tilted his head, furrowing his eyebrows, his tone revealing his frustration, “How about you explain to me why you’ve been acting off since Emmett offered you a spot here? Before you yell at me as if I’m the one who caused all of this.”

“You are!”

Bucky bit out, “And how did I do that? Please,” he clapped his hands together, a visual plea, “Do enlighten me.” 

Jay’s hands slapped against her head, sliding across her scalp to tug at her roots, seething and letting out a restrained shriek through her gritted teeth. And Bucky just kept talking, “I don’t think we tell each other everything,” he recalled her words, then listed her actions, “The way you’re looking at me like you can stand me, like you don’t recognize me anymore. I wasn’t gone for more than a month, I haven’t changed. That’s not us, we don’t do things, say things just to hurt each other! We don’t do that!” Bucked pleaded, throwing his hands around. 

Jay scoffed, “Yeah? Well, we also don’t lie to each other.” 

Bucky faltered, leaning in like he heard wrong, “Huh?”

“We. Don’t. Lie. To. Each. Other,” her voice rose with every word, “Or at least that’s what I thought.” Sweat pooled on her upper lip, the heat in her body no longer due to the climate, and with the snap of her teeth, a strike of lightning cracked across the dim sky. Bucky didn’t pay any attention to the following boom of thunder, instead stepping closer to Jay, and to his dismay, she took a step back to maintain the space. She didn’t trust herself being so close to him, not when his skin was covered in a sheen, his hair damp with sweat that fell into his eyes.

She could see his tan skin through his thin cotton shirt, soaking with his sweat and the droplets of water starting to fall through the sky. She’d been in the same state, her chest heaving from her rampage, and in difficulty to suck in a deep breath of air. Was this how Steve felt, his asthma getting the best of him? Did he feel this weak, the same way she felt when all consumed by the man standing in front of her with his eyes murky, growing into a storm. She tried to not linger on his strong body that was trying to invade her space, trying to tempt her into giving in. 

“I haven’t lied to you,” Bucky told her, his hands clenched into fists. 

Jay shook her head, her eyebrows shooting up in disbelief, “So you have nothing to tell me, nothing you’ve kept from me.” When he didn’t answer, she genuinely laughed in his face, “Okay, so I guess Colonel Emmett was lying, that you haven’t been drafted three times before this? That each and every time you coincidentally end up in this hospital with a doctor’s note excusing you?” Bucky’s eyes widened as he realized what she knew, “Were you ever going to tell me the real reason why you came home in casts, walking on crutches?”

Her fury, and betrayal became clear when she shouted, “Oh, and let’s not forget about your friends, who I never knew existed until I got here, by the way.” She hummed, thinking, “Dale!, Yeah, all of a sudden, his farm back home needs him, and Charles! Yes, he’s been arrested every year up until now, just to get out of their duty. Your duty!” Jay felt tears rush to her eyes, her voice cracking on the last word, “I looked up to you, I respected you, trusted you, and you’ve hid things from me for years. You made me look like a fool, that I’m your best friend, but I don’t know your whereabouts, your friends, like it's some sort of joke!” 

She stepped up, jabbing her finger in his chest, “That’s why I’m angry.” 

Bucky didn’t waste a second, “Do you want to know why I’m angry? Why I’m mad?” Bucky asked, but didn’t wait for her response, “Sandra.” 

Jay absolutely could not stop the eyeroll, “Are you seriously still on this?”

She didn’t expect him to shout, “Yes! I am.”

Her voice died down, and she stared at him. “You know that night, at dinner, when Dale and when Charles were asking you about her, about your gal back home,” he talked about her like she was a curse, a nuisance, “and they asked you if you loved her.” he shook his head, almost falling apart at the memory, wiping raggedly at his face, “You said: you could say that. You said: it’s over.”

“It is,” Jay defended, and Bucky looked up at the sky, the rain intensifying, beating down on his face, “God, Jay you’re not getting it!”

“What don’t I get?” 

“I didn’t want to leave you,” Bucky said frantically, trying to make her believe it, trying to get her to understand just what he wasn’t saying. But she wasn’t going to play those games anymore, she wasn’t going to read into him. 

“I know that,” Jay responded.

“No you don’t, you don’t get it, you don’t understand, I stayed for you,” Jay couldn’t tell his tears apart from the pouring rain, and she started to realize just how much this space between them had been tearing at Bucky’s soul. She could hear the desperation in his voice to fix this.

She wanted to snap at him to get it together, “You’ve already said that.”

“And you’re not getting it.”

“What could I not possibly understand?” 

It was clear Bucky wasn’t thinking, acting purely based on the need flooding through his body, the desire he’d been holding back from the moment he saw her sprint out of the cafeteria her first night, because he yelled, “That I love you! That I’m in love with you!”

Jay’s heart stopped. Flatlined. It was like she’d been struck by lightening, and the water that dripped down her body down into the dirt started to form a bubble around her head, trying to drown her. Jay gawked at him, expecting him to take it back, tell her to forget it, but Bucky wasn’t on the same page, no he kept going, “Those drafts? Those trips to the hospital, they were for you. They were all for you. I didn’t want to leave you.” He wouldn’t let go over her dumbfounded gaze, “I kept thinking, that maybe, if I stayed just a bit longer, just one more year, maybe you’d see me, you’d want me. But you were always talking about her.” He couldn’t bring himself to say her name, “And I didn’t care, I didn’t blame you, how could I? But she treated you like, like trash on the side of the road, picking and choosing when she wanted to see you, like she was doing you a favor and I stayed for so long, for so long, and the moment that I left is when you realized that I was right, that you don’t love her.” 

“I don’t love you like a friend, don’t try to convince yourself that what I’m saying is friendly, I know how you think. I know that you’ve tried to tell yourself that every little thing I do is out of friendship because you don’t think you deserve it, but I love you the way that I want a future with you, that it’s all I can think about, everytime I see you with my sisters, my mom, even my dad, the way you take care of Steve. I’ve wanted you since that night we danced around my living room on Hanukkah, since we lit the candles together.” Bucky pressed his lips together, “The night in your room, I was serious, and I’d thought you’d at least think about it, realize that even if you didn’t love me, you didn’t love her.”

“I do.”

“No you don’t,” Bucky sighed, a wistful look in his eyes. 

She shook her head, correcting him, “No, not her, I love you.” 

It was Bucky’s turn to gawk, his eyebrows furrowing and his eyes fluttering shut as though his prayers had been answered. “Please don’t lie to me,” he whispered, and she could barely hear him over the pouring rain giving them a much needed shower. She wiped at her face, squinting as droplets hammered onto her skin.

“Unlike you,” she stepped up closer, looking up at him, looking around to see if anyone observed, “I don’t lie.” With that, she gave into his gravity falling into his space with her hand pulling him in by the back of his neck, pressing her lips to his.

The pressure of his lips against hers was something akin to what she imagined heaven to be, something she’d prayed years for. Though Bucky didn’t expect the swift motion, as Jay was an unpredictable creature, he adapted almost instantly. After a stunned inhale, Bucky melted into her hands, pliable and reaching down to get more of what she was giving him. Jay would give him anything and everything. All of her arched up into his hands sliding around her waist, cupping the curve of her spine and the width of her shoulders. 

Bodies slick with rain, Jay could smell his earthy scent sticking to his skin, their noses bumping in the crossfire. It felt like a ritual, a washing of the soul as Bucky took all of her pain in one kiss. 

She sharply inhaled when Bucky pulled away, only an inch to put distance between their lips. His eyes flicked between hers, searching the golden hazel that he could pick out of a crowd. His blue eyes always shifted to match the color of the sky, and from this angle, Jay felt as though she was flying. “Are you sure?” His voice sounded gruff, ruined and Jay would have thought he was drunk if they were back in the city. 

“I’ve never been this sure about anything else,” Jay practically whispered into his mouth because he was pouncing on her the second the words left her mouth, tugging on the thin fabric to press her body into his. It was too much, but so good. SHe’d felt this overwhelmed before, felt this emotion rush into her and attack her brain until the world spun, but Bucky’s body anchored her, tied her to the ground and wouldn’t let up. His weight under her hands, the stubble sprouting across the nape of his neck, scratching her fingers and reminding her that this was real. 

His nose dug into the dip of her nostrils, his lips urgent and heavy, swallowing the shallow air she exhaled as her spine arched into his abdomen, his hands dragging up her sides. The pads of his thumbs, his palms slid up to cup her face, and she felt his weight pushed her backwards. Angling her head, Jay felt him deepen the kiss and he walked her backwards slowly, wading across shallow puddles forming across the plain. Bushes surrounding the plain, bordering the obscure forest, whispered across her shins through her dripping pants, and the shadows fell over them like a halo as they crossed into the privacy of nature. 

The rough bark that had bruised her, beat her up, felt as soft as a feather filled mattress when it was Bucky who gently pushed her up against the thick trunk, a soft groan rumbling through his body at Jay’s limbs opening for him to nestle up in, his arm fully wrapping around her waist with his other hand sliding under the curve of her thighs, hoisting it up to hook on his waist while his lips never left hers. 

Suddenly, the weeks of torture were worth it, the unbearable silence that had lingered between them was a mere bump in the road when this was the light at the end of the tunnel. This was better than any of her dreams, any of her brain’s futile efforts to convince herself that all hope wasn’t lost. Her hand tangled in his hair, the other grasping at his biceps, and in the moments Bucky took to catch his breath, Jay found herself sighing, “You’re all I need,” then lost herself once again in his innocent, curious, and wandering touch. 

The canopy providing sanctuary to their enlightenment protected them from the violent downpour flooding the camp, only glistening droplets that hung off of the leaves softly landing on their exposed bodies, the curve of Bucky’s wide back as he encaged Jay. All was right with his soft breathing being the only thing in her ears, his scent wafting off of him, coating her clothes, her skin, her entire being. She wanted to drown in him, wanted him to take her under like a lazy current, and push her to the edge that she knew only he could find. 

Nothing she’d done in the past compared to him, not a single partner, not a hug, kiss, or word uttered to her made her feel this euphoric. Not even the alcohol, nor the drugs, none of the beatings she took could compare to him, nothing she took to distract herself from the aching could put the feeling of diving into that ache headfirst to shame. He was her vice, her drug, her everything. The one constant she could find in all aspects of her life. From the moment she’d seen him jogging onto the dirt field where they kicked around a ball, up to her, and asking if he could join, despite the guard she’d put up after hearing the stories her mother warned her of. 

Jay took the time to memorize him, memorize the body she’d thrown around so many times, playfully shoved around, yet never felt his skin so heated. She worshiped him, worshiped him in a way that would put the Imam downtown to shame, make Allah weep until he called upon Noah to rebuild the ark, to flood the world and rid it of her sinful desire. And nothing would get her to board that ship when her saving grace came in the form of a simple man. 

When the rain finally lightened, and Jay could see the camp brightening under the purple streaks of the sunset painting the sky over Bucky’s shoulder, she helped Bucky straighten up, readjusting his rumpled clothes, and wiping his slick lips with her thumbs with a broad smile so wide her face started to cramp. “So… we’re good?” 

Bucky had to laugh, had to throw his head back and bark a laugh out, before meeting her eyes and stealing another kiss from her, “Yeah, we’re more than good.”