Chapter Text
I’m so fucking done with the Imperial Court.
I’m serious - that absolute wanker Dong Zhuo is bad enough - lording around the place and calling himself Imperial Chancellor. I know the emperor is only nine and needs a regent of some description but is this really the best we can do?? The man doesn’t know his dick from his nose. But the rest of the officials aren’t much better. At least Chancellor Dong has the decency to be upfront about how much of a cretin he is, unlike that gaggle of thin-skinned scholars and namby-pambies.
I’m thinking especially of that fake-ass bitch Minister of the Interior Wang Yun. I just found out he’s having a birthday party tonight. I overheard some of the others talking about it - it seems everyone in the entire upper court got invited except me and the chancellor. It’s obvious what they think of me - I’m a nobody. My dad was adopted by a eunuch and nobody trusts them these days after the drama with Emperor Ling. Or maybe it’s because I do such a good job of acting like I actually like Dong. But honestly - have none of these morons heard of keeping your friends close but your enemies closer? I thought about saying something to him but I decided to hold my tongue. Why would I wanna go to his lame-ass party anyways?
Anyway, I got a bit ahead of myself there. I should introduce myself. My name is Cao Cao, and my courtesy name is Mengde, but my friends call me Ah-man. I thought I’d start this journal to keep account of all the shit that’s definitely about to go down. I know I'm always right, but it doesn’t hurt to keep receipts for when people try to argue otherwise.
I think I’m gonna call it “Mengde’s Memoirs”. Sounds pretty classy, if I say so myself.
Anyway, I’ve gotta shoot. Will write again soon.
***
I crashed Wang Yun’s birthday banquet. Lol.
Yeah I know i said i didn’t care about the dumbass party but my ears wouldn’t stop tingling. I knew there was something fishy about the whole business, and I turned out to be right. I knocked on the door and asked for admittance and surprisingly he actually let me in.
Can you believe it wasn’t even his birthday? He’s called everyone there to bitch and whine and moan about how the Han Dynasty is being destroyed and how the chancellor wants to usurp the throne. I mean don’t get me wrong he’s probably right, but it was painful to listen to. All those miserable old men wanted to do was sit around and cry about it, but none of them were man enough to stand up and take concrete action. So I told them they were all a bunch of useless pussies to their faces - and then they kicked me out. LMAO.
I was gonna go home and start planning an assassination to prove them all wrong, when one of Wang Yun’s servants came out and secretly called me into his study. Turns out he actually trusted me after all but just didn’t want to make it public. I guess he’s not a complete moron in that case.
He gave me his prized seven-star dagger, and in return I promised him Dong Zhuo’s head would swing from the gates of the palace, within three days.
All I have to do is pop it up my sleeve, visit him in his bedroom and then bury it in his flabby neck when he least expects it.
How hard can it be?