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Chapter Text

For the first time in his life, Remus was lucky enough that Sister Molly hadn’t shaved his head over the summer. He was able to trim it himself, keeping it a comfortable length that matched most other boys in his year. His caramel-coloured loose curls finally framed his face like he had always hoped they would. He had no idea his hair was curly at all until a couple months ago. It had never been long enough to tell.

In the boots James gave him, cuffed khaki trousers, and a large brown jumper, Remus arrived to platform 9 ¾ alone, ready to finally fit in. With hair and normal clothes, he finally felt like he could blend in with his peers. Nobody stopped him, said hi to him- nobody seemed to recognize him. It filled him with a kind of joy he’d never felt before, to be just another member of the crowd. He wasn’t the freak, the spectacle, he was a kid on his way to school just like everyone else.

Ever taller, he could see above most people’s heads now.

“That guy looks a lot like Moony,” Peter pointed. James pulled his glasses off to clean them, and then looked again when he put them back on.

“That is Moony!” he said. James, himself, had gotten a very flattering haircut, and was beginning to look like a young man rather than the lanky kid he’d always been. Still, with huge glasses and dorky patterned tee-shirts, he looked much the same.

“ Jesuchristo, ” Sirius exclaimed, “Moony! Over here!”

Remus Lupin laid eyes on Sirius Black in all his leather-clad glory. Last year was the painted nails, and Remus had expected another addition to his punk-inspired style, but this was more than he could take in in one glance. Sirius wore torn black skinny jeans, boots laced up nearly to his knees, a red crop top, and the leather jacket he had always had, now covered in patches and pins. Among his many necklaces was his locket, and on his hands were a lot of rings. His hair fell all the way to his shoulders now, and apparently he had taken to wearing eyeliner.

“Are you gonna keep staring, or are you gonna say hi?” Sirius grinned.

“Hi!” Remus said belatedly, “You look amazing.”

James’ expression fell into something of realization, like he’d heard a joke no one else was privy to.

“What?” Remus frowned at him.

“Nothing, oh my god, nothing,” James was the worst person ever at hiding a smile, but oh did he try.

“Whatever. It’s great to see you,” Remus ruffled his friend’s hair, “New glasses?”

“Yeah,” James said happily, “I think they look much better.”

“They do. And you,” Remus pointed at Peter, “are fifteen now! Congrats!”

“Thanks,” Peter grinned, “I feel like I should be congratulating you . You have hair.”

“I know!” Remus said happily.

“I missed that smile,” Sirius squeezed Remus’ face like grandparents do to kids during family gatherings. Remus leaned forward, breath in his throat.

“Did you?” he replied on instinct, “I can’t say I know you. What have you done with Sirius Black?”

Sirius tossed his head back and laughed, “Can a guy not change his style every now and then? We’re teenagers, I thought we were supposed to be experimenting.”

“Sure, if that’s what you wanna call it,” Remus slipped a finger under Sirius’ choker, to feel if the spikes on it were actually sharp.

“What would you call it?” Sirius asked, playfully indignant.

“Cute,” Remus smiled down at him condescendingly. Sirius gasped.

“It’s not supposed to be cute , it’s supposed to be scary and badass!” he argued.

“Maybe it is, to people who don’t know what a sap you are. Clothes don’t change the kid who dances to musical theatre records when he thinks no one is looking,” Remus said quietly, and let the necklace go.

“You’ve got me,” Sirius put his hands up in feign surrender.

“Whenever you poofs are ready, we’ll be on the train,” Peter began to walk away. Laughing, the others followed him.

Sirius sat down right next to Remus, as usual, and made himself comfortable. He fidgeted with his rings, talking to James excitedly about Quidditch this year.

As usual, conversation fizzled out after an hour or so, and Peter got cozy against the wall and fell asleep. James also closed his eyes, and then Sirius went through the tedious process of untying his boots and taking them off so he could kick his feet up on Remus’ lap and lean back. James cracked an eye open and smiled.

Remus had forgotten about physical affection, to be honest. He didn’t remember it was a thing that people did, and now, with Sirius’ legs in his lap, he didn’t know what to do. He blushed a little, and looked to Sirius, who was biting his lip and smiling, in the way he did when he was being annoying on purpose.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he asked.

“Taking a nap,” Sirius replied, shutting his eyes and pretending to snore loudly. Remus rolled his eyes, but allowed it. He had to admit it was endearing. Sirius shifted closer, hair falling over his face, which wasn’t as childish and soft as it used to be. He looked like a renaissance painting, long eyelashes made to look darker by the eyeliner. It was downright attractive.

Remus could feel his heart leap and start to pound his ribcage, and in a panicked moment of understanding, he looked to James, who smiled bigger and nodded.

He was having a crisis, he thought. Now that he had accepted he was gay, a lot of boys were quite attractive to him. Even some of the boys at St. Edmunds had him blushing. Still, it didn’t make this much easier.

“Look,” James said as they approached the castle, handing Remus something.

“Ow! Fuck,” he dropped it immediately.

“What is it?” James frowned, picking it back up.

“They’re made of silver,” Remus squinted at it, “But congrats on being Head Boy.”

“Thanks,” James quickly put the pin away, “We’ll do something about the silver.”

“Yeah, I still have to figure out what I’m gonna do with mine,” Remus sighed.

“Yours?!” everyone asked at once.

“Oh, yeah, I got Gryffindor Prefect this year,” he mumbled. Sirius shook his shoulder.

“Moony, that’s great!” he said, “Give me your pin.”

Remus handed it over in its cloth, and Sirius tapped it a few times with his wand.

“It should be tin now,” he said, handing it back. Sure enough, it didn’t burn anymore.

“James, yours?” Sirius held his hand out expectantly.

It was like some problems just didn’t exist when it came to his friends. He had spent so long worrying about how he was going to handle his badge, and Sirius figured it out in no time, because of course he did, and James willingly gave up his pin for the same change.

Regularity had never felt better, but Remus knew there was some bad news he hadn’t been told yet. He lead all the first year Gryffindors to the common room, and showed them how to get in. When they all went up to their dorms, Remus was more than happy to return to his.

They found out the next day that James was assigned Gryffindor Quidditch Team Captain, which had all the Marauders excited all day. This also meant James got to help pick who got on the team.

So obviously Sirius got to be one of the Gryffindor Beaters again, and in contrast to last year, they started the Quidditch season sooner than usual.

“Lilly? What are you doing here?” Remus asked, shocked. He had shown up to practice, as usual, to support his friends. But in the stands with him sat a familiar redheaded girl.

“What?” she looked like she’d been caught stealing something, “Nothing, it’s nothing. I thought I’d support Marlene.”

“Marlene isn’t here today,” Remus squinted.

“Don’t ask,” Lilly shut him down, and Remus was frankly too scared of getting on her bad side to press. He did watch her though, to try to get a clue, and found her watching James intently.

“Lilly?”

She blushed horribly, “I said don’t ask.”

“Okay.”

Remus looked forward and minded his own business. To Lilly’s credit, James had his hair pushed back nicely, and he was beginning to show some serious muscle from all the years of playing. Regulus was still Slytherin seeker, he noticed, and his hair was extra short, and he looked sickly and pale.

Then there was Sirius, who had landed to do something or other- he had a hair tie between his teeth, and was pulling his hair back so he could tie it up. He put it in a high ponytail of sorts, letting a few strands fall back into his face. Then he grinned at the stands, and waved directly at Remus, who smiled stupidly and waved back. Sirius looked so good like that, happy and healthy with his hair finally long enough to do something with.

There was no denying, at this point, that Remus did find Sirius much more attractive than anyone else he knew. It wasn’t a matter of being gay and finally being allowed to look, it was a matter of Sirius Black being undeniably hot.

He stayed smiling and staring for a long while, until he vaguely registered someone staring at him. He turned to see Lilly, looking at him skeptically.

“Don’t ask,” he echoed shortly.

“I’m going to take a shower,” Sirius announced.

“Use my shampoo,” James tossed it to him, “I can’t look at your frizzy hair anymore. It doesn’t match you. This stuff is made for curls, it should work.”

“Well okay then,” Sirius caught the bottle and took it with him. When he got out, James walked him through a complicated routine to dry his hair properly.

“Moony, look what James did!” Sirius pulled back his bed curtain to show Remus his shiny, properly washed curls. He was very excited about this, apparently.

“Very nice,” Remus smiled, propping his head up on his hand.

“Isn’t it?” Sirius was absolutely elated, “It’s so soft. Feel.”

He bowed his head down like a dog asking to be pet. Laughing, Remus reached out and ran a hand through his (admittedly very soft) hair. Sirius flopped over onto the bed with him, letting his hair splay out. He looked at his friend expectantly.

“What?” Remus quirked an eyebrow.

“Keep doing that,” Sirius put Remus’ hand back in his hair. So Remus continued. Reaching the nape of his neck, he felt fresh scars and newly raised welts. He made no comment, and was extra careful not to prod at the injuries.

He found himself unable to make excuses anymore when his eyes wandered, and his chest filled with the ticklish feeling of butterflies. There were no more excuses to be made. It was simple: Remus Lupin finally fancied someone, and it was his best friend, bloody Sirius Black.

Chapter Text

James knew, and he made it known that he knew. Every time Remus was staring for too long, he’d look around to check if anyone caught him staring, and James would always be looking back at him, smirking and sometimes wiggling his eyebrows.

Playful moods didn’t last long, but they tried to have fun when they could. Sirius especially seemed to be in a goofy mood ever since summer, but it stopped abruptly on a Monday morning at the beginning of October.

He woke up angry, he went to breakfast angry, he attended classes angry, he attended lunch angry, and so on. He walked with a limp.

“What’s his problem?” Remus whispered.

“His mum,” James said bitterly.

“What the fuck did she do this time?” Remus frowned.

“Butchered his leg. He won’t show me. I’ve caught him chugging painkiller potions these last few weeks, but I think he’s all out of it now,” James watched Sirius walk ahead of them, as if he could tell what was wrong from here.

“I’m going to talk to him,” Remus decided, and walked faster.

Sirius avoided any and all questions. He wasn’t even smooth or subtle about it: he clearly heard what was being asked, but he chose not to listen, and he’d loudly change the subject after each prod at his health.

“I’m fine, will you come off it?” Sirius tried to out-speed them on the stairs up to the dorm.

“No! I cleaned your blood off your sheets this morning because your leg was bleeding so bad, you couldn’t take care of it on your own,” James said accusingly. Sirius’ shoulders were tense as he unlocked their dorm and marched in.

“I didn’t know it was that bad,” Remus was growing irritated at his stubbornness, and began to simply push the other toward the bathroom, “I’m fixing your leg whether you let me or not.”

“I’m fucking fine!” Sirius fought back, but he was no match. Remus picked him up.

“Oh no you did not, put me the fuck down-” Sirius struggled, and his wish was granted when he was set down on the bathroom counter. He shuffled to get back to his feet, but Remus pointed his wand at the door, and it shut and locked.

“Show me,” Remus insisted.

“Remus, it’s not even that bad.”

“Show me,” he said again. Sirius looked greatly inconvenienced, but rolled up his slacks to his right knee, and took his sock off.

It was horrifying. All around, his shin was bleeding from various cuts and scratches that went chillingly deep.

“She used lacero on you,” Remus meant to ask, but it came out as a statement.

“Yeah,” Sirius tried to shrug casually, “Doesn’t hurt.”

“You are such a liar,” Remus said, already digging through his medical bag for the right kind of ointment, “Find something to bite. This is going to sting like hell.”

Confused, Sirius bunched his shirt up and bit down. When Remus began to haphazardly smear him with magic cut-closing ointment, Sirius bit down much harder and muffled a weak scream. The cuts started closing immediately, but Sirius was choking on pain. He was out of breath when the ointment had finished doing its job. Remus wrapped his leg in a couple thin layers of gauze, to make sure the ointment would stay on and the cuts would stay closed.

“How do you do this every month?” he asked, letting the shirt fall.

“You get used to it,” Remus said, “Well, I did. I hope you never have to.”

“I read a book about werewolves awhile back, written by a werewolf woman. She said she’d been hit with the lacero curse, and that it hurt less than changing in and out of the wolf,” Sirius looked at his feet.

“Oh my god, is that what this was about? You felt like you had to grin and bear it because I may have been through worse?” Remus asked, zipping his medical mag back up.

“I’m being a wimp,” Sirius confirmed.

“No, Sirius, you’re being human. It was a literal curse. Of course it’s going to hurt. Just because I have the most painful and inconvenient disorder in the world doesn’t mean I expect everyone to have as high a pain tolerance as me,” he assured, “I’d rather you just tell me when you’re hurt so I can help sooner. You don’t have to wait until you’re bleeding out or dying before you ask for help, you know.”

“I guess,” Sirius mumbled, “I have a date tonight, I think I’m gonna get ready.”

“Okay. Please keep the gauze on, I don’t want that curse to come back,” Remus said, and unlocked the door. He left Sirius to his privacy.

He had to leave anyway. Being a Prefect called for constant hall monitoring, and checking in on other students. He did his usual rounds of the corridors around Gryffindor Tower, suddenly extra grateful for his enhanced hearing. Several corridors away, some poor kid was calling for help. He pulled out his map to check where, exactly he was going: in a hallway with no portraits, the name of a Ravenclaw kid was being cornered by Regulus Black and Barty Crouch Jr.

He put his map back in his pocket and ran.

“ Expelliarmus ,” he shouted, catching the wands of both Slytherins before they knew what was happening.

“Half blood scum!” Regulus shouted, indignant.

“Entitled freak,” Remus sneered. He often felt the need to bare his teeth when he was angry, these days, which often lead to him basically smiling during arguments. He knew it had something to do with the wolf, but it usually unsettled people, so it generally worked in his favour.

“I’m the freak?!” Regulus gawked, “I’m not the one covered in scars that I can never seem to explain.”

“At least I don’t stand by and watch as my family caves in on itself,” Remus spat, stepping forward with purpose.

“Go,” he told the poor scared Ravenclaw boy, who scampered off as soon as he was permitted.

“You know nothing of my family,” Regulus said coolly.

“If you’re going to bluff, at least come up with a lie that makes sense. I know your brother better than anyone in the world, and you know it,” Remus hissed, “So how about you make up your mind? Either man up and stand up for your brother like a decent fucking person, or come off it and keep your head down. You can’t keep straddling the fence. Either be strong and own it, or be a coward and stop trying to pretend you’re not.”

“I am not a coward,” Regulus stood as tall as he could, but he still didn’t compare to Remus, “I tried, okay? I tried to get him back. I defended him, made excuses for him- I did everything I could to hold his place in the family for when he decided to come back. But he decided to stay with you instead. That’s not my fault.”

“I can’t tell if you’re simply refusing to understand, or if you’re really too stupid to get it,” Remus continued forward until he had Regulus shrinking against the wall, “You are fighting for the wrong side. So either stay where you are and admit you’re doing more harm than good, or stop being such a selfish prick.”

“You have no idea what I’m going through,” anger and fear fought for control over Regulus’ expression.

“Maybe not,” Remus nearly whispered, “But I know you’re a coward, Regulus Black.”

He stepped back and glared for a moment, before turning away. He shouldn’t be dragging this on, he was a Prefect now.

“I’m sending your wands to Dumbledore, you can plead to him for them back,” Remus said coolly.

Remus and Sirius re-entered the dorm room at about the same time.

“I expected you to be back by now,” Sirius said.

“I expected you to be out later,” Remus retorted, “I just spent my time busting your brother for terrorizing some poor Ravenclaw boy. Had to explain it all to Dumbledore.”

“Sheesh,” Sirius frowned, “You’d think people would have more sensibility in times like these.”

“You’d think,” Remus sighed, “How did your date go?”

“My date?” Sirius asked, looking a little surprised to be asked, “Uh, fine! It was fine.”

“I can smell when people are nervous now,” Remus scrunched his nose in disgust, “Why are you nervous?”

“You can smell it?” Sirius shifted uncomfortably.

“Yes. I can also smell fear, guilt, lust, and magic,” Remus relayed, “It’s quite unpleasant, but such is the life of a werewolf.”

“Well…okay,” Sirius took his jacket and shoes off, and sat on his bed, “Do you want to play chess?”

James walked in in the middle of their game, rambling about detention and how much he hated it. There was something to his tone that made Remus think he was lying, but he had no idea what James could be lying about.

“If you don’t want detention, love, maybe stop being a little shit in class,” Sirius said, “Pawn to E-nine.”

Sirius had taken to calling everyone pet names lately, specifically ‘love,’ in the way a grandma refers to everyone as ‘dear.’ It wasn’t personal, and was more often than not sarcastic, and therefore aimed at other Marauders.

Peter came in just as the game was ending, mumbling something about Desdemona.

“How’s it going, Moony?” James asked, sitting beside Remus and Sirius on the floor.

“Fine,” Remus shrugged, “Had to send Reg and Barty to Dumbledore, but otherwise okay.”

“Cool. Cool, cool, coolcoolcool. The next full moon is in two days, right?” James went on, as Peter also sat down with them.

“Okay, what is going on? You’re all acting strange, and you smell like…something different,” Remus asked accusingly.

“Well…Moony…we have some…big news,” James said slowly, “And we thought now was the time to tell you.”

“Big news? Who died?” Remus looked between his roommates frantically, feeling a bit left out for being the last person to know.

“No one!” James said quickly, “We’re always there for each other, right?”

“Right,” Remus squinted.

“Well, we felt like we weren’t there for you all the way, with your condition anyway. We thought maybe there was something we could do about it,” James said.

“And we know there’s no cure, so we did research,” Peter added.

“I’ve charted out the full moons for the next decade. We’ve read all about lycanthropy and werewolf eating habits, pack norms, social rules, and pretty much everything else,” Sirius continued.

“Okay, that’s really thoughtful, but is that the big news?” Remus pressed.

“Well, no,” James said.

“We’re not quite sure how to tell you, mate. It’s probably gonna be a lot to take in,” Peter went on.

“And if you don’t like it, we’re sorry, but we really think this is going to help,” James smiled.

“We know why you get all those injuries now. Wolves are social animals, and even if they don’t hunt, they still need room to run, and usually they need company. You tear yourself apart because you’re all alone in that stupid shack,” Sirius said.

“We’re trying to put this delicately,” James looked to his friends for assistance.

“What, you got me a pet or something?” Remus tried to guess. James shook his head.

“Well then spit it out!”

“Oh, for crying out loud,” Sirius stood up and walked toward the door.

“Where are you going?” Remus asked. Once he was at the door, Sirius turned back around, and then skipped, and did some kind of forward roll that he probably learned in dance class. In a blur of motion, Remus saw Sirius’ hair flip, and there was such a strong smell of magic that Remus’ eyes watered and he closed them for just a moment. When he opened them, sitting with a wagging tail was a big, black dog. Some type of shepherd.

Remus shouted and scooted back. The dog had its tongue out, like it was smiling. It’s eyes, almost completely covered by fur, were grey blue. It clearly wasn’t fully grown, but it was still a bigger breed of dog than most. Its tail wagged so hard it thumped on the floor. It smelled like Sirius, sort of, and it was sitting right were Sirius would have landed. There was only one logical conclusion, but he still found himself stammering and unable to comprehend what had just happened.

“Hey,” he said shakily, reaching forward. The dog bowed his head, like Sirius had done to him a few times before. He reached out and scratched the dog behind the ear, which it seemed very pleased about. It laid down.

“Sirius,” he finally concluded out loud. It log rolled over, and Remus was no longer petting a dog; his hand was tangled in Sirius’ curls.

“You did it,” he said breathlessly, “How? It took McGonagall fifteen years to become an Animagus, and she’s an expert.”

“We’ve been working on it for a couple years,” Sirius grinned up at him, “I think our goals were a little more urgent, so it didn’t take as long. Anything for our Moony.”

“We?” Remus looked up. Peter nodded, and tucked his knees to his chest- when he leaned forward, there was another strong smell of magic, and a rat fell shortly to the floor. It was brown, hefty, and it had a long, pink tail.

“Oh,” Remus began to smile, “A rat?”

The rat leapt, and Peter was back, “We didn’t get to choose which animals we got.”

“Yeah, I’d say mine is the most unfortunate,” James had to back up the most, and he took a moment to shake his hands and breathe deeply before he threw his arms up, and when he came down, the hooves of a stag hit the floor. The stag wasn’t full-sized either, and its antlers looked like they may still be growing in. It was a darker brown than most deer Remus had seen, and it had rounded markings around its eyes that almost looked like James’ glasses. Remus doubled over in laughter when he realized why James saw his Animagus form as unfortunate.

“You turned straight into wolf food!” he snorted. The stag reared back on its hind legs, and when James came back, he was terribly off balance and he fell backward.

“I totally did,” James laughed, rubbing his head, “But I’m hoping it works out.”

“I thought being a rat might be lame, but they’re actually really agile and smart. And when I was practicing, I used the rat to evesdrop, and I heard McGonagall saying they’ve found a knot in the roots of the Whomping Willow that immobilizes it. So I used the rat to snoop around and find it, and now we can pass in and out of the tunnel with you,” Peter grinned.

“I can’t believe this,” Remus scrubbed his face, “You really did it! You…how?”

“We made a lot of excuses and spent a lot of time under the willow,” James shrugged, straightening his glasses.

“Peter serves as a great lookout, James will make a perfect distraction when we need one, and I turned out to be possibly the only animal equal to a wolf,” Sirius finally sat up, “We’re coming with you, on the next full moon. In a couple days.”

“Oh,” Remus breathed, “Yeah, okay. Wow. Thank you.”

“Don’t thank us yet,” Sirius grinned, “We have to see if it will work, first.”

Chapter Text

“I’ve changed my mind,” Remus ran his hands through his hair over and over again.

“No you haven’t, come on,” Sirius tried to push him out of their dorm.

“Yes I have, you guys don’t want to do this,” Remus shook his head fervently.

“Yes we do,” Sirius rolled his eyes, pushing harder until he could close and lock their dorm door behind them.

“Remus, we’ve been over this a million times. We’ll be fine,” James promised.

“No,” Remus said firmly, “Stay here. Please.”

He went to the infirmary alone, and checked in with Madame Pomfrey before walking the tunnel. As he approached the willow, he smelled his friends and sighed deeply.

“Sirius, you told them about the statue entrance, didn’t you?” he asked with irritation clear in his tone.

“Sure did! Peter immobilized the tree for now, and he figured out how to get the roots to move enough for us to get out as animals,” Sirius sounded extremely pleased with himself. Remus’ chest squeezed with worry as he felt the aches begin, “You need to get out of here.”

“Moony,” Sirius said, stubborn as ever, “We’re not going anywhere. This could be really, really good for you.”

“This is going to be really, really ugly,” Remus said self consciously, hissing in pain as his muscles shifted, “ I’m going to be really ugly. And I’m going to scream. There will be blood. I don’t know if I want you guys to see it. Well, I do know, and I don’t. I don’t want you to see me like that.”

“Then we won’t,” Sirius turned his back to Remus, and James and Peter followed his lead.

“You’ll still see the wolf though,” Remus fell to his knees in pain, unable to hold off his transformation long enough, “And I’ll be naked when I turn back.”

“We did our research. We’re ready, Moony,” Sirius promised. Remus expected, then, to black out, but he felt every moment of his change. He took off his clothes as fast as he could before they started ripping, and for the first time, he heard himself groan and scream in agony. It sounded pitiful, but there was nothing he could do to stop himself. His vision faded as he changed, even if his mind was still present, due to the searing pain. It was like the blinding light that preceded his migraines sometimes, and when it faded, he found himself looking down at paws. His fur was light brown and grey, which he’d never realized before. He wasn’t in control, but he could see through the wolf’s eyes. Coming to his senses, he felt something nuzzling under his chin, and looked down to see a familiar black dog. The wolf growled, but the dog did not move. The wolf nipped warningly, and the dog backed up and flopped over. Baring its neck, showing its belly, wagging its tail, it submitted without putting up a fight. Remus distantly realized that Sirius really had done his research. The dog was doing everything right to give the role of the leader to the other. The wolf sniffed at the dog, and then approvingly nudged it back to its feet.

Wagging its tail, the dog lowered itself, moving back and forth playfully to make sure it had all of the wolf’s attention. Then it took off, running out of a doorway the roots had shifted to make.

Remus fought for control of the wolf for awhile, but that just seemed to irritate it. He felt the wolf’s ears go up, and mentally surrendered. He understood that the wolf wasn’t totally him, and that he’d never have full control, but he wanted to at least know how it was supposed to feel like. He’d been this way for almost a decade now, and he felt he deserved to understand what happened in these dark hours under the full moon.

Obediently, the wolf dug its paws into the dirt, and Remus got to feel it under his claws. The opportunities this offered, finally being present of mind, made Remus completely giddy. He leapt out from under the willow, seeing the dog waiting for him, and a stag further off, toward the line of trees that marked the forbidden forrest. The dog bowed his head and wagged his tail, and then took off running again. In the cool night air, Remus felt the wolf take off much faster than he thought it could go, and it was the most freeing experience he’d ever had.

James was right: whenever he got too close, the wolf seemed to think it was food, so he generally kept some distance. Still, when the sun was close to rising, James was able to lure the wolf back under the willow with ease. Remus could see something small scramble up the wall, and then the door closed up. Then a latch opened, and the rat was up and out. Behind the rat, Remus watched a boy stumble out, feet kicking behind him in haste. He got to watch the trapdoor slam shut again before he began to change back.

Once again, he felt every moment of it. This was a new addition he wasn’t fond of, but if it meant he could be conscious behind the eyes of the wolf, he’d take it.

When he was able to see through his own eyes again, there was a blanket over his back that he pulled around his shoulders. As soon as the change was done, he was achy as ever, but he was okay. For the first time since before he was bitten, he didn’t have to check himself for injuries. There was no blood. There were no broken bones.

“You did it!” he said to the dog still with him, voice incredibly raspy. The dog did as it had in the dorm and rolled over, and then Sirius Black was getting off the floor and dusting himself off.

“Yes we did,” Sirius was gathering Remus’ clothes and handing them over, “I haven’t looked yet, go ahead and get dressed.”

It hurt to dress himself, still settling into his own body, but it hurt far less than it ever had before. When he was done, Sirius helped Remus walk to the Shrieking Shack. He sat Remus down on the chair, and wrapped the blanket tightly around him, now clothed.

“You’re shivering,” he ran his hands through Remus’ hair, smoothing it down, and then rubbed his arms to warm him up. He was relieved. He was overwhelmed. He was happy. He was shocked. He was…crying.

“It was a little rough at first, the wolf didn’t like me for a minute,” Sirius smiled, wiping his tears, “What’s wrong, Moon Moon, my love?”

“I remember every bit of it,” he swallowed hard, “Do you?”

“I do,” Sirius nodded, “I wonder why you seem to remember it this time.”

“Did you see…? It must have been horrible,” Remus looked away self consciously, “How ugly was it? Was I? The wolf.”

“Not at all, Moony,” Sirius knelt in front of him so he was in Remus’ line of vision again, “You were beautiful.”

There were a million answers Remus had, and none of them came out. He opened his mouth to speak, but all of the thoughts got clogged on the way out, and no sound was made.

“Madame Pomfrey is on her way,” Sirius whispered. He backed up to do his little skip-jump-roll move, and then the dog was back. It jumped up to lick Remus’ cheek until he smiled, and then squeezed out of a hole in the bottom of a far wall of the shack.

There was a faint knock on the door, and Remus wondered if she’d always knocked and he’d just always been too out of it to hear. When she came in, she tried to carry him out like she always did, and found she couldn’t.

“You’re getting too old for this,” she pouted, “I was always dreading the day I couldn’t carry you anymore. Can you walk?”

“Yes,” Remus said, though he was leaning on her for support all the way back to the infirmary. She set him onto the nearest bed, and just stared at him with surprise.

“You’re completely dressed,” she noticed, now that he wasn’t wrapped in the blanket, “And you’re not bleeding.”

“Nope. All fine,” Remus wiped the remaining tears, “I remembered. I could see from the wolf perspective. So I was able to stay safe.”

“Remus!” she looked overjoyed, and bounced on her heels with excitement, “That’s wonderful, darling!”

“Yeah,” he smiled wide, and then started crying again.

“I’m so proud of youuuu!” she exclaimed, leaning down to hug him, “That’s my boy!”

He hugged her back, smiling and sobbing against her shoulder.

Chapter Text

“Mary wants me back,” Sirius said smugly, “Asked her to Hogsmeade this weekend. She said yes.”

“Yay,” Peter said without glancing up from his book.

This was a problem Remus hadn’t considered, when he realized he was gay. He still couldn’t do anything about it outside of private trysts in the back of the library. And that only happened once.

Boys didn’t ask other boys to Hogsmeade. James asked Lilly, Peter asked Desdemona, Sirius asked Mary, Severus also asked Lilly, etcetera etcetera.

And then there was a bigger problem: even if boys could ask other boys to Hogsmeade, the boy he wanted to ask was already going with Mary McDonald, who kept no secrets about her sex life and was very openly Available.

Remus went to Hogsmeade alone, but he ended up at a table with Christopher Vinay in the Three Broomsticks.

“-and he took me on three dates just to tell me he was straight at the end of it all,” Chris said, before a long swig of butterbeer.

“ En serio ?” Remus asked, wondering what could possibly lead a person to do that.

“What does that mean?” Chris’ brows furrowed.

“Oh,” Remus laughed, “It’s Spanish. It means ‘are you serious?’ “

“You speak Spanish?” Chris grinned a little.

“No,” Remus admitted with an embarrassed blush, “We use that phrase all the time, me and my friends. Otherwise Sirius Black has too many pun opportunities and it gets annoying fast.”

“That’s actually great,” Chris snorted, “And clever.”

“Thanks,” Remus fidgeted with his mug, “So that guy, how long ago did he do that?”

“Last year,” Chris sighed, “Thought I could be his little experiment.”

“That’s awful,” Remus mumbled, “So you’ve known for awhile, then?”

“Since I was eight years old.”

“Really?” he asked, impressed, “How?”

Chris squinted, “Who is it?”

“What?” Remus blushed more.

“The boy who’s making you question everything. You don’t fancy me, but it’s someone,” Chris observed, taking another sip.

“I don’t know,” Remus looked around, like he was afraid someone was listening, “It’s hard to tell. I’ve never had friends before, so knowing the difference between a best friend and a crush gets a little difficult sometimes. Sounds stupid, I’m sure, but…that’s how its been.”

“I wish I knew how to give you clarity, but I’m not the person you need to talk this out with,” Chris frowned a little, “I really hope you figure it out.”

“Thanks,” Remus stood and took his empty mug with him, “I’d better get going. It was really good to see you, Chris. You can say hi to me any time.”

“I will,” Chris smiled and waved, “Bye, Remus!”

Remus wandered aimlessly. He wasn’t sure what he was meant to do, alone at Hogsmeade. He ended up at the bookstore, and his eyes landed on the graphic novel and comic book section. He found a whole collection of books about a group of superheroes called the Avengers. Eventually, his eyes landed on a cover that had a character that looked a lot like Sirius, but taller and paler. He had black, curly hair to his shoulders, sharp features, grey-blue eyes, and the kind of shiny leathery clothes that Sirius wore more often than not these days. He had a gold headpiece with horns, and a dagger in each hand. The top of the cover said MARVEL COMICS: LOKI . They’d learned about Norse Mythology in Divination and History, and Remus knew Loki to be the God of Mischief, which seemed quite fitting.

Sirius’ birthday was far off, but he bought it for later anyway.

The tailor shop was decorated with fake cobwebs and paintings of pumpkins. In the windows were hand-made costumes. He stepped in tentatively, and saw several groups of students trying on costumes with excitement. Hogwarts hadn’t been big on costumes in the past years, but trying them this year sounded fun. It made sense that people were looking to holidays for joy, when news of attacks were now weekly.

Remus picked up a single scale of metal armour, on a shelf that said “knight costume: hold to chest.” He pressed it to the middle of his torso, and the plates magically multiplied, laying neatly on him to form armour made to fit him exactly. When he pulled the original scale loose, it dissipated.

He bought it without looking at any of the other costumes.

Remus returned to the dorm first, and had time for a shower and some sketching before Peter returned. James and Sirius had arrived just in time to get changed before dinner.

“Eww! Get off my bed, worm-tail,” James picked the rat up and put it on the floor, where Peter changed back, laughing.

“Wormtail!” Sirius wheezed, “That’s gonna stick.”

Peter sobered up right away, “It had better not!”

“Well now it has to,” James grinned, hanging up his lights for the first day of Diwali.

At dinner, Sirius got a letter from his parents.

“It’s a birthday invitation,” James relayed.

“Great,” said Sirius, pointing his wand at it and letting it go up in flames.

On Halloween, James strutted the common room dressed like Prince, in all his purple glory. Peter had fangs and a cape, and a lot of fake blood on his clothes (or so Remus hoped it was fake). He showed up in his armour, and saw Sirius come in later in yellow trousers, a blue regal-looking shirt with a white collar, and a red bow in his hair.

He had brought his record player down and blasted it at full volume, delighted to see so many people dancing to it.

“I didn’t think we’d get such a turnout!” Sirius had to shout to be heard.

“Me neither,” Remus shouted back, pulling them toward the stairs in hopes of less noise, “What are you supposed to be?”

“I’m Snow White,” Sirius grinned, “I think it’s great! I had to get creative, cause I seem to be the only one who didn’t make it to the costume shop last weekend. You sure went, though, you look like a movie star!”

“Thanks,” Remus laughed, “Does this make me your knight in shining armour?”

“Does it?” Sirius smirked.

“I’d say yes if you did,” Remus teased, and Sirius laughed at him. Eyes closed, Sirius’ shoulder bumped Remus’, and he stayed there for just a moment too long.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sirius was smiling, but there was an unreadable element to his expression, “I’d better go find Mary.”

Sirius did find Mary. He danced with her, drank with her, talked with her, snogged her in one of the huge chairs by the fireplace. Remus had tried to get his attention a couple times, to no avail. Discouraged, he went a little ways up the stairs to the boys dorms, just enough not to be shaken by the sheer volume of the room. He sat down on one of the steps and contemplated. Just like everything else in his life, this wasn’t going to work out. There was a friendship at risk, and Sirius seemed to be quite happy snogging his very female girlfriend.

“Hey,” said a Ravenclaw boy Remus didn’t recognize, “Can I sit with you? I think my eardrums will burst if I stay down there.”

“Sure,” Remus shrugged, “I kind of just want to go back to my dorm and read, but James will yell at me if he finds out. He’s dead set on making me have fun.”

“I’m a big reader, too. Oscar Wilde, Walt Whitman, Virginia Woolf, Alain Locke…” the boy went on, and his expression was distinctly testing. Remus recognized these authors to have all been openly queer.

“You’ve got a favourite type of author, then?” he asked, just to be sure. The boy smirked, “You got me.”

“I like their work, too,” Remus found himself saying, and the boy was on him in no time. He was not gentle in the least, but Remus found he didn’t mind. At this point, he’d take what he could get. He could enjoy this, he thought; it’s not like he’d ever get to do this with the person he had in mind, so getting over him seemed the best option, and this seemed the best way to do it.

The boy bit, and Remus bit back. Apparently he did it wrong, because the other pulled away with a hiss.

“I think I’m bleeding,” he laughed a little.
“Sorry,” Remus said, but he didn’t feel all that bad.

“You’re tough,” the boy grinned, licking his lips and then moving back in, “I like it.”

“I’m Remus,” he said between kisses.

“I know,” replied the other, “I’m Lucas.”

“Hi Lucas,” Remus grinned a little.

“Hi Remus,” and then Remus felt a hand on the back of his head pulling him closer.

Who knows how long they were at it? Remus sure didn’t. The only reason for their separation was when footsteps began coming up the dark hallway, and Remus assisted Lucas into the nearest room. He had just closed the door when Sirius found him.

“There you are! Couldn’t find you anywhere,” Sirius smirked and folded his arms, “Who’s she?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Remus blurted.

“I can tell you’ve been snogging someone. Also, I saw you shove someone through the door before you closed it,” Sirius tilted his head toward whoever’s dorm it was, “So who is she?”

“She,” Remus fumbled for words, “Is none of your business.”

“Okay,” Sirius turned back around, “But do join us when you’re done. James is giving the performance of a lifetime.”

When Sirius was back in the common room, Remus opened the door and Lucas stepped back out.

“Not out yet?” he asked.

“I’m afraid not,” Remus looked away.

“Shame,” Lucas said, “I’ll be off, then. Come find me any time, Remus.”

“Bet on it,” Remus found himself replying. Lucas shot him a grin over his shoulder, and then Remus was alone again.

Chapter Text

Sirius was pouting when he sat down for breakfast the next day.

“She said she won’t be official with me until I prove I’m a gentleman,” he complained.

“That’s gonna be hard. How does one go about proving they’re a gentleman?” James contemplated.

“How does one go about trying to make Sirius Black a gentleman?” Remus snorted. He was trying not to be too happy. Sirius glared.

“Oh Merlin,” James exclaimed from the bathroom, “No no nonono!”

“ ¿Qué paso? ” Sirius was opening the door in an instant, and then he was on the floor, kicking his legs laughing.

“What?” Remus asked, and slapped a hand over his mouth when he saw.

“They won’t go away! The- My-” James held his small antlers in his hands, tugging them back and forth like he expected them to come off, “My- the horns-”

“Horns-” Sirius wheezed.

“They’re not horns,” Peter looked quite amused, “Please tell me you know what they’re called.”

“They’re…They-” James scratched his scalp, trying to figure out where his head stopped and his antlers started.

“They’re called prongs, buddy,” Remus chuckled, “I can’t believe you did all that research on me and then didn’t bother learning about your own animal.”

“I’m in a state of panic, cut me some slack!” James pleaded. Sirius smacked the floor with his hand, shoulders shaking with laughter.

“Where’s James?” Severus raised an eyebrow.

“Where’s your self respect? It’s like all you do is stalk me these days. Please get a hobby. Or a girlfriend. Or both! Who cares,” Remus brushed right past him.

“So you don’t know where James is, then?” he prodded.

“He’s sick, and I don’t know why you care,” Remus kept his eyes forward.

“You’re up to something,” Severus said definitively, “And I’m going to prove it.”

“Ooh, good luck! Can’t wait to see what you come up with!” Remus encouraged in an uncharacteristically gleeful tone.

“How’s it going, Prongs?” Remus asked, coming in with an extra plate of food he had nabbed at lunch. He set it on James’ bedside table.

“They won’t go away,” he whined.

“Have you tried changing and then changing back again?” Remus asked.

“Have I-?! Of course I have!” James fell back on his bed in exasperation.

“Well then, buddy, I can’t help you,” Remus said, “At least they’re kinda cool.”

“Where’s James?” Lilly finally asked in History Of Magic, frowning.

“Oh, so you admit you notice his presence and you’ve noticed he’s absent?” Remus smirked. Lilly elbowed him and blushed, “Shut up!”

“For the record, he’s got a cold,” Remus said, but kept his expression smug simply because he knew it annoyed her.

“What the fuck is this?” Sirius got a parcel set delicately in front of him at breakfast on November 3rd, “No one but you guys get me birthday presents.”

The parcel said, in Andromeda’s neat writing, ‘ I saw this and I thought of you’

It was a record, by the shape of it, Sirius knew. He took the wrapping off, and a laugh burst out of him when he took in the cover. A man with glasses and huge hair was swimming toward a donut on a string, in an awful parody of a Nirvana album cover. It said ‘WEIRD AL: OFF THE DEEP END’

“It’s a parody artist,” Sirius gasped, “A comedian who changes the lyrics to popular songs. This is going to be great.”

“Happy birthday,” Mary had walked over to tip his head back and kiss him.

“Thank you,” Sirius replied happily, and kissed her back. Remus jarred his view of them by taking a long sip of tea.

Rumors were going around about them. A muggleborn and a pureblood…? Surely their parents must disapprove, people would whisper. Remus wondered how many years it would take to make a list of every single thing Sirius’ parents disapproved of.

Sirius made them late to the willow the next full moon.

“What happened?” Peter asked.

“Mary,” was his short reply. His tone conveyed no helpful information as to what about Mary made him late, but they’d been snogging so often, Remus figured that must have been the problem. He had no time to dwell before he was changing.

He was embarrassed to learn that he did, in fact, howl at the moon. It was so typical and…wolfy. He hated it. But the black dog came right up next to him and howled away with him, without a care in the world.

The wolf still wasn’t used to having company, and though it kept him occupied, the wolf was territorial and occasionally a bit mean. He heard the wolf growl pretty often, and usually the dog would just roll on its back until all was good again. Toward the end of the night, the wolf got frustrated that the stag kept somehow disappearing from sight, and the dog decided the best solution was to lick the wolf’s face until his guard was down.

“Oh no,” Sirius groaned when they walked into Divination on Monday, with Tarot decks on every desk.

“I don’t want to hear whatever my reading says. Don’t even do one for me. Just ask a question in your head and let me fail at answering it,” Sirius said, shuffling his deck until three cards had fallen out.

“Past, present, future,” he said, getting a good look at the cards. His forehead creased as he tried to make sense of it.

“Past card is The Moon, upright, which means…you’ve dealt with a lot of fears recently, and it worked out in your favour. You followed your intuition and you were right. Or something,” Sirius said, “Present card is The Lovers reversed, which is supposed to mean you’re in a relationship that’s not working. But you’re not in a relationship, so…it probably means a friend or something that’s treating you poorly.”

“Right…” Remus muttered uncomfortably.

“Your future card is The Devil, which usually represents addiction. If I had to connect it, I’d say you’re addicted to this person that ultimately isn’t good for you. But that doesn’t sound like anyone we know,” Sirius dismissed, “I must have done it wrong. Sorry.”

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Remus said against Lucas’ mouth.

“Why, afraid we’ll get caught?” Remus could feel him smirk.

“Yes,” Remus admitted. They were in a corridor with no portraits that might tattle on them, but Remus was paranoid regardless.

“Okay,” Lucas sighed, removing himself from Remus’ arms, “You’re no fun.”

“Never claimed to be,” Remus said sadly, already missing the warmth of another person.

So Remus spent the rest of his afternoon alone, reading a book in a generally empty hallway. Well into the book, a mousey creature scampered across the floor, followed by Mrs. Norris, Filch’s cat, who seemed to be chasing it. Then, coming around the corner chasing Mrs. Norris was a black dog.

“Oh my god, Sirius,” Remus pinched his nose. Then, standing up, book falling to the floor, “Oh my god, Peter!”

Sirius, like any kid who had just learned a new trick, could not stop changing into the dog, and then back.

“So you have to move like that every single time you go in or out of the dog form?” Remus asked.

“Yep. Since it’s wordless magic, we have to have certain motions to get in and out. It’s gotta be stuff you don’t usually do, obviously, so you don’t trigger it randomly, but you know I move a lot, so mine had to be really specific,” Sirius explained, pulling his hair back into a ponytail.

“Huh,” Remus went back to sketching. He smelled that wave of magic again, and then he heard the little pat pat pat of the dog’s paws on the dorm floor. The dog jumped up onto the bed with him, and curled up comfortably at his feet.

“You’re so stealthy and quiet as a human, I find it a bit ironic you can’t move at all in this form without being noisy,” Remus smiled, “You and your footsteps. Let me see your paw.”

He held out his hand where the dog showed his paw, and the pads on the bottom of it.

“Little pad-foot making all that noise,” he grinned, “We’re lucky Peter got the quiet Animagus. I think you’d be too dangerous if you could also be sneaky as an animal.”

The dog huffed out its snout and took its paw back, laying down again over Remus’ feet. Remus sketched him just like that.

Sometimes they would find Sirius in his bed, as the dog.

“It’s so much more comfortable,” he would lament as he turned back into a human, “I should have been born a dog.”

“Poor Padfoot,” Remus teased, “What is it you call us? Is now the right time to say pobrecito ?”

“Man, fuck you guys,” Sirius rubbed his eyes tiredly.

“Why is his name Padfoot now?” James snorted, “Peter and I didn’t exactly have prideful nickname backstories, I’m curious to hear this one.”

“Because the pads on his feet when he’s a dog make him fucking noisy. He can’t speak, so he’s got to make his presence known somehow,” Remus explained. Sirius exhaled loudly, hands over his face.

“Hey,” Peter patted Sirius on the back on his way out, “It’s better than Wormtail.”

Chapter Text

Holiday break had been awful for everyone. Peter barely got the chance to talk to anyone, apparently having troubles at home with his sister. Remus, as usual, was staying with James, but the house they were in now didn’t feel like the warm, worry-free house he had arrived at the first time. James’ parents were extremely preoccupied, and Alastor Moody was always in and out with whispered, panicked news updates.

“James! James, James, James, James, James,” came Sirius’ voice from the mirror. James tripped in his haste to grab it, and ended up opening it from the floor.

“The dark lord- they- I saw them- they were talking to him,” Sirius babbled, “They won’t stop until I recruit, they- what am I supposed to do?”

“Sirius, what?”

On the other side of the mirror there was banging on a door, then the sound of it being forced open and hitting the wall. The mirror was dropped. James saw nothing but ceiling. He daren’t call for his friend, in fear of the mirror being confiscated. He just closed it, and got up.

“Mum, where’s Moony?” he asked, running down the stairs.

“Last I checked he was in the shower,” Amba frowned, “Why, love?”

“Sirius,” he said desperately, and ran to the downstairs bathroom. He pounded on the door.

“Padfoot! Family, they’re trying to recruit him!” he shouted. The water turned off, and a moment later, Remus was opening the door in a towel.

“What?”

“No time!” James turned back around and ran back to his room to check the mirror for updates. Remus hurriedly dried off and got dressed, hair still damp when he caught a letter dropped through the mail slot in the front door.

“Regulus! He says Sirius is in trouble,” Remus came tripping up the stairs, letter in hand.

“I know, that’s what I was trying to tell you!” James was practically pulling his hair out, “What do we do?”

“Save him?” Remus looked over the letter again.

“How?!” James shouted.

“Boys?” the voice of Alastor Moody called up the staircase. Remus and James scrambled to him, grappling each other in their haste. They stopped just short of running straight into the startled man, Remus’ hands on James’ shoulder as they both gasped for breath. Between the rushing and panicking, they were both winded.

“Sirius Black, you need to get him right now,” James pleaded.

“I understand you’re worried about your friend-”

“They’re trying to turn him! They broke his door down, they’re cornering him about converting to worship the dark lord,” James was patting Moody’s arms frantically, like he was afraid he’d lose his attention.

“How do you know this?” Moody looked down on him worriedly. James fumbled in his pocket for the mirror, and held it up, “I saw it and I heard it and I know his family is awful, I knew this was gonna happen-”

“Be quiet,” Moody whispered, taking the mirror and listening. In the distance, there was screaming and shouting.

“Thank you, James,” Moody closed the mirror and handed it back. He turned and shouted, “Falgun! Floo powder, right now! We’re going to the Black mansion!”

“What?”

“Right now!” Moody repeated, already moving to the living room. James and Remus, gripping each others shoulders and arms, jumper sleeves nearly tearing under their tight grasps, followed. Moody hurriedly threw something into the fireplace, which lit up in green flames as Falgun rushed in.

“I’ll get the kid,” Falgun was shrugging on a jacket, “Hold them off, if you can.”

Then he practically dove into the fireplace, and Moody was right behind him. There was screaming of pain, screaming of surprise, screaming of anger, coming from the other side. James grasped for Remus’ hand, and they held on to each other tight enough their knuckles turned white. Through the green fire, there was a lot of movement, a lot of people dressed in black.

“We should-”

“No, Moony. Stay here. Wait.”

They had to separate to dive away from a hex that had been thrown through the fireplace. It landed on the wall behind them, leaving a black burn mark in its wake.

Remus was getting back up immediately, if only to glimpse at what was going on. He barely got to his feet when he saw a figure getting quickly closer to them.

“Moony!” Sirius was running. Behind him, someone had their wand pointed, and he was hit in the back with something Remus couldn’t see. The flames flickered higher, until they consumed the fireplace, and then they solidified like a wall.

“Sirius!” Remus shouted, scrambling over to pound the barrier with bare fists. He punched and banged until his hands bled, but he got it to crack. He slammed himself into it, finally making it crumble. Into his arms tumbled the unconscious, bleeding body of Sirius Black. He fell to the floor, cradling his friend with shaking hands.

“Sirius, hey, Sirius please say something, Sirius,” he whispered, leaning over him and observing him attentively. He looked for the rise and fall of Sirius’ chest, but he saw a still body. He put his hand on Sirius’ chest.

“He’s not breathing!” he screamed. James, who had banged his head dodging the curse, finally got up and looked with horror on his friends.

“Sirius,” Remus laid him down fully, “Sirius!”

He’d been through first aid emergencies and cpr more times than he could count, after full moons. If there was a reason for it all, this was it. With both hands, Remus started chest compressions.

“You’re not leaving,” he said desperately, “Come back, Sirius, breathe!”

“Remus-” James came closer, “It’s not working.”

He was right. Sirius remained lifeless.

“No! No, godammit, Sirius, come back,” he kept pressing, and in between compressions, he shook Sirius’ shoulders and patted his face.

“Please,” he whispered. His tears mixed with blood on his face, cradling Sirius’ face in his hands. James reached out, wanting to help, but he had no idea what he thought he’d do. He didn’t know cpr, and even if he did, he had a feeling it wouldn’t do any good.

“You’re not done, you have records we haven’t listened to! We’re about to defeat the boss in our Dungeons and Dragons game, you’ve got a battle to win! What about Mary- What about me?!” he felt again for a heartbeat that wasn’t there, “What about us? What about James, the map, school? We have a war to win!”

“Remus-”

“No, no!” Remus sobbed, lifting Sirius’ head gently with one hand. He plugged his friend’s nose with the other, leaning down and sealing their lips together. He fought wracking sobs to keep his breath even as he gave his air, his life over. He did this a few times. He thought about their game, about being a cleric and bringing Sirius, his Stardust, back to life every time he’d make too bold a decision and get himself killed.

“I’m getting my mum,” James, also crying, pushed himself off the floor and ran.

“Stardust, Padfoot, please,” he begged, feeling helpless to this fruitless cause. Sirius still did not move.

“I love you. Please,” he whispered again, leaning down and breathing into him a few more times. As he gave up, unplugging Sirius’ nose and letting his tears stain the other’s perfect skin, he felt a gasp against his mouth, and the body under him lurch upward.

Remus shouted in surprise, accidentally jostling Sirius in his shaking arms as he sat up.

“Remus.”

“Sirius!”

Sirius sprang up, arms around Remus’ neck, and kissed him. Their tears and blood mixed, and when they separated, Remus just held Sirius’ face in both hands and looked at him awhile.

“You died, you weren’t breathing, Sirius, I don’t know what I would’ve-”

Sirius hugged him so tight it hurt. He hugged back just as hard and they sat there, gasping, sobbing, hiccupping, combing through each others hair, rubbing the other’s backs, like they needed proof they were here.

James yelled his relief when he walked back in and Sirius was up. He dove down with them, wrapping his arms around both of them. A minute later, Falgun and Moody were tumbling back through the fireplace, and several screams were cut off when Moody sealed the portal.

“I feel faint,” Sirius admitted finally.

“Okay, okay,” Remus let him go, wiping his face and smoothing his hair down for him, “You need to stay awake until we close your injuries though. Can you do that?”

Sirius nodded slowly, eyes hooded.

Moody had to insist the kids leave while he examined Sirius and fixed him up, and laid him down for a rest in the guest bedroom that Remus had been sleeping in.

“He’s sleeping,” Moody said as he closed the door, trying to subtly shoo him off.

“Okay,” said Remus, who had been waiting outside the whole time, opening the door quietly and slipping in. James was by his side only a couple minutes later, having changed clothes. He looked upset, but considerably less worried.

“Why aren’t you panicking?” Remus whispered bluntly.

“Because I knew he wasn’t dead. Not for good. If he died, I would have known it. I would have seen it coming,” James replied surely, “Sometimes I see the deaths of people I don’t even know in Divination. If Sirius was on the line, permanently, I’d have known.”

“Oh.”

Though he knew it should have, this did not put Remus at ease.

“You’re covered in blood, mate, maybe you should get another shower. Sirius needs to reset,” James suggested quietly. Remus nodded, knowing full well he was not going to do that. He was going to sit here until Sirius woke up, making sure his chest continued to rise and fall.

And he did. Every time he thought he couldn’t hear or see the other breathing, he’d get up and nudge him gently until his eyelids fluttered or he turned over or showed some other sign of life. He was careful never to wake him up, but every time he looked over to Sirius lying unconscious, he felt the panic rise all over again and he needed reassurance immediately.

Eventually, he fell asleep in the chair he waited in. Moody carried him out to Amba and Falgun’s bedroom, where they said he could rest for now. It was well into the early morning, but the adults knew they wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight.

When he woke up, he forced himself to shower again before checking in on Sirius. Walking back into the guest bedroom, he found Sirius awake.

“My hero!” Sirius smiled, though his voice was raspy and weak, “Hi, Moon Moon.”

“Hi,” Remus sat on the edge of the bed, “How do you feel?”

“Like shit,” Sirius replied easily, “And very grateful to be alive. Thanks to my knight in shining armour.”

“I can’t believe you’re able to joke at a time like this,” Remus said, half amazement and half upset.

“I’m not joking,” Sirius replied, “ En serio. ”

“But I didn’t-“

“I could feel it. My ears were ringing, I couldn’t hear a damn thing, but I could feel it. I watched myself from third person. I saw you do everything you could to bring me back,” Sirius explained, tearing up as he recalled.

“I wanted to use magic, but I know you’re not supposed to add magic to hexes or curses or whatever unless you know exactly how to counterspell it. So it was a lame attempt, but I’m glad it worked,” Remus fiddled with the sleeves of his jumper.

“It wasn’t lame, it was brave. You saved my life,” Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand just to squeeze it.

“I still can’t believe they’d do that to you,” Remus squeezed back, flooded with too many emotions to know quite which one was hurting his heart.

“I can,” Sirius frowned, “And they’re never going to do it again. Because I’m never going back.”

“We both know you’ll have to. They said they’d charge the Potters with kidnapping if this happened again, right?” Remus hated to be the voice of reason at a time like this, but allowing room for hope where there was none felt like the worse thing to do.

“They did, but that was before they disowned me completely. I don’t belong to them anymore. The Black family is not mine, I’m not theirs. I’m free,” Sirius whispered, smiling and crying and squeezing Remus’ hand ever tighter.

“I don’t know whether to say ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘that’s great,’ “ Remus admitted. Sirius laughed, shaky, hoarse, and tearfully, but it was genuine.

“Maybe both is the right way to go,” Sirius blinked profusely, “They raised me. I’m going to miss the good things. Because no matter how bad the bad was, the good was still good. But the bad was really bad, so I can also be happy I’m finally out.”

“Then I’ll be happy and sad with you,” Remus said earnestly, “Anything. I’ll hear all about it if you want to talk. I never thought I’d hear your voice again.”

Sirius looked deeply touched.

Someone knocked on the door, and then James was peaking in.

“My other hero!” Sirius exclaimed, “Get over here!”

When James was in reach, Sirius stretched out two heavily bandaged arms to grab his face and pull him down, planting a big, wet kiss on his cheek.

“Good to see you back to yourself,” James wiped his cheek with a grin, “I know there’s a lot of bad things to talk about and unpack and blah blah blah but Merlin, I’m just so glad you’re alive.”

“I’m glad to be alive,” Sirius replied.

“Moody says he needs to talk to you, but that can wait a bit. Can I hang out until then?” James asked. Sirius scooted to the middle of the bed and patted the blankets on either side, “Come on, then.”

So they stayed and talked about happy things, and Christmas next week until Moody said he needed to talk to Sirius alone.

Chapter Text

“I know you’re going through a lot, and you must still be in a lot of pain, but we need your side of the story as soon as possible. Legal stuff. If you tell me what happened, I might be able to help you,” Moody said, pen and paper in hand.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Sirius folded his arms. Out from his bandages peeked burn scars.

“I understand that. But even if they kick you out, they’re your legal guardians, and you’re going to have to return unless there’s reason for you not to. We have the evidence, we just need your word, and you’re out of there forever,” Moody explained. Sirius frowned.

“I only have to tell it once?”

“Only once, and then we can take care of everything else,” Moody smiled, something Sirius had never seen him do.

“Fine,” he sat up straighter, leaning back against the headboard for support.

“They were having a family meeting like they always do. I didn’t go, I never go. But Bellatrix dragged me out of my room and she tied me down to one of the chairs with some sort of binding charm. They made me sit through the meeting, telling me about family duties and how I’m the only one who’s not on board with the Dark Lord yet. They said if I wanted to live, I had to join them, because they’re going to kill anyone who doesn’t comply. I said they could just kill me, then, and they weren’t happy about that. My mum said I would be disowned before the war was over if I kept disobeying, and I basically said ‘you can’t fire me, I quit.’ I said I didn’t want to be part of their stupid family anyway, and I kept running away for a reason. She lifted the restraining charm so she could talk to me, but I ran, and that’s when I called James through the mirror. They broke my door down and carried me back out, and they cornered me. I was restrained. They burned me. My parents took turns cursing me. They’d pause between each one to ask if I’d join them yet. I never agreed, so they just kept at it. Crucio . Over and over. I must have passed out, because the next thing I knew, you were there. Then I saw my way out, the fireplace, and I started running. I guess I wasn’t fast enough. I was in a lot of pain, so that would explain it. Either way, someone hit me in the back with something. It was a nonverbal curse, so I have no idea what it was. I ran straight into a wall someone had put up where the fire had been, and then I was hit again, and could only see myself from third person. I watched myself fall through the wall, I watched Remus give me cpr. I don’t really want to ask… Did I die, Moody?”

His throat felt like it was closing, his mouth dry. He felt like he knew the answer, but after all the times he had been called dramatic, he wondered if he wasn’t making things worse in his head. He couldn’t believe himself, which is why he’d never allowed himself to accept that what he went through was anything more than common family shenanigans.

Moody looked reluctant to speak, but said, “James says you stopped breathing, and that they couldn’t find a heartbeat. So I’m inclined to say yes, but I wasn’t there.”

“Why didn’t I stay dead? I’m glad I didn’t, but…how?” he frowned.

“It’s hard to tell. Again, I wasn’t there. Perhaps the cpr was exactly what you needed. Perhaps it was unintentional magic. Perhaps something else,” Moody suggested, “We may never be sure.”

“Perhaps it was true love’s kiss,” Sirius joked, already trying to forget everything he’d just said and been told, “Do you believe friends can be your soulmates?”

“I believe the people you’re meant to spend your life with are whoever you choose,” Moody smiled gently.

“And I don’t have to go back anymore?” Sirius wrung his hands.

“And you don’t have to go back anymore,” Moody nodded, “I will personally see to it that those people never get to lay hands on you again.”

“Thank you,” Sirius sniffled, “Thank you.”

The next day, Moody walked back into the room with only one paper in hand that he gave to Sirius to read himself.

He sobbed as soon as he read the top few lines. In his hands he held a restraining order.

“They’re not your family anymore. And they’re not allowed anywhere near you,” Moody promised.

“Thank you,” he whispered, handing the paper back, “I can’t believe this.”

“It’s a lot to take in. Just breathe deep and keep resting, ‘kay kid?” Moody folded the paper neatly and put it back in his pocket, “The Potters said you can stay here as long as you need.”

James paced all the empty floors downstairs, having been told not to disturb the adults in the dining room. He was a good kid, and a good listener, but he needed to know what was happening. He told his parents everything, and they told him everything, always. He’d never been kept in the dark like this.

“Mama,” he poked his head around the corner, into the dining room.

“Yes love?” she was sat at the table across from Falgun. They held hands, and it was no secret they were both crying.

“What’s gonna happen to him? He’s not going to an orphanage, right?” James whispered.

“No, darling, we wouldn’t let that happen,” Amba said, and looked to her husband, who nodded.

“We were thinking of letting him stay here.”

“Really?” James walked in completely. Amba patted the empty chair next to her, “We have some things to ask you before we go through with it all, though. We need to be sure you’re on board.”

A week flew by in a flurry of papers, signatures, and whispers.

“Knock knock,” Amba said aloud, already coming into the room, “Happy Christmas, Sirius!”

“Happy Christmas,” Sirius sat up. Falgun and James followed Amba into the room, and they gathered around the bed.

“What’s going on?” he asked nervously.

“No need to panic,” Amba rubbed his arm reassuringly, “We had a question for you.”

“Okay,” Sirius wasn’t able to straighten his back completely, but he tried.

“We know you’ve been through a lot. Way too much for someone your age. Or anyone in general. So we don’t want to overwhelm you, but this is a big question. You don’t have to make any decisions right away,” Falgun said slowly, looking to Amba throughout for her nods of assurance.

“Is this about my family?” Sirius squeezed his blanket.

“Yes, dear. The Ministry says the Black family no longer has custody of you, which means you need to find somewhere to go. We really don’t want to send you to an orphanage…” Amba stilled, “Again, you don’t have to make any decisions right now. Or even today. But we don’t want to send you back to Hogwarts not knowing where you’ll go after, so we thought now was the time. James, do you want to ask?”

James sat on the bed with his friend, smiling hopefully, “Sirius, if I asked you be my brother, would you say yes?”

Sirius’ expression dropped, eyes immediately welling with tears again as he looked to James’ parents for confirmation. Amba and Falgun, holding hands, smiled and nodded.

“Padfoot,” James whispered, bringing his attention back and making eye contact, “We want you to be part of our family. Officially. Permanently.”

“This would be your room, we’d have you for all holidays until you decide to move out. We’d feed you, buy you new clothes- anything you need. We can have the Ministry get your old things back from the Black mansion. We love you, Sirius, and we’d be happy to let you stay,” Amba said nervously, “If you’d say yes.”

“They want to adopt you. En serio ,” James smiled.

“Don’t pressure him, James,” Falgun muttered.

Sirius covered his face and let the tears fall.

“I know you’re gonna say we don’t know what we’re getting ourselves into, but I live with you for the school year, I know what you’re like. I promise. We know exactly what we’re doing. We like you, and we love you, and we’re asking you because we want to, not because we feel like we have to or we feel bad. You deserve a real family,” James whispered.

Sirius nodded behind his hands, which James removed from his face so he could hug him.

“Yes?”

“Yes,” Sirius exhaled shakily. When he breathed in, James’ hair in his face, Amba and Falgun smiling at him over James’ shoulder, it was like he’d never truly breathed until now. His whole life was spent on the verge of suffocation and now, finally, he could feel the air in his lungs.

“I love you,” James said again.

“We have the papers downstairs, we’ll let you sign them later,” Amba came to kiss his head, and then leave the room quietly.

Remus was waiting outside, biting his nails. Amba nodded at him with a smile.

“Wanna help me prepare breakfast?” she asked quietly.

“Yes ma’am,” Remus nodded, following her downstairs.

“Guess who’s walking?” James called excitedly. He was practically carrying Sirius downstairs, but for Sirius to have his feet on the ground, moving his legs at all, James was quite happy for him.

“Sirius! So good to see you out of bed,” Amba cheered, “We know you haven’t been eating much, but Remus and I made pancakes and eggs, if you want some.”

This concept was so new. The concept of a loving family who made him things, offered him care and comfort, was unfamiliar. It was so hard to believe he finally got to have this, and to truly be part of it, but he decided right away this was something he could get used to if he tried hard enough.

“Thank you mum,” he winced when he sat back down, but was relieved to be somewhere besides his bed, “Where are the papers? I want to sign them.”

James took the papers off the counters with a pen, setting them in front of him. Everyone else who needed to sign had already signed. There was one blank spot left.

He signed as neatly as he could manage with damaged hands.

“We’ll give these to Moody when he swings by tomorrow,” Falgun said, taking them and putting them in an envelope, “We’re really thrilled you said yes. We’re glad to have you here, Sirius.”

“Thank you.”

“Any time,” Falgun smiled and gently patted his shoulder, “Son.”

“God, that sounds so weird,” Sirius laughed.

“Good weird?” James asked.

“Is there any other kind?”

Chapter Text

“Are you sure you want this?” Remus asked, needle and earring in hand.

“Yes! I think it will match my style, don’t you?” Sirius asked, smiling.

“Okay, deep breath. Three, two, one,” Remus pierced his left earlobe with the needle, and put the earring in as soon as the needle was all the way through. He felt bad about it, knowing it probably hurt, but Sirius didn’t even flinch.

“Other one,” he said, lifting his hair out of the way.

“Alright. Three, two, one,” Remus said again, after being sure this piercing would be even with the other.

“All done,” Remus dabbed at the earrings with a cotton swab, just to be sure they weren’t bleeding more than normal.

“Thanks!” Sirius said happily, and made grabbing motions with his hands to indicate he needed help up. Remus hauled him to his feet, and supported his weight while he looked in the mirror.

“These look great! Thanks, Moony,” Sirius grinned, “I’m gonna have piercings all the way up my ears someday.”

“That’ll be fun,” Remus thought about it, “Maybe I’ll get a piercing someday.”

“Oh I’d love to see that,” Sirius laughed.

“You’ve got everything?” Amba asked.

“Yes, mum, promise. We double-checked,” James nodded.

“Okay,” she wrung her hands nervously, “Be very careful, please. Things are very dangerous and unpredictable right now. No fights. If someone is mean to you, walk away. You especially.”

She turned to Sirius, cupping his face and smoothing down his hair.

“If anyone says anything bad about you or what happened over break, don’t listen to them. You’re a wonderful young man, and nothing that happened was your fault. You made all the right decisions, and now you’re in a family that has your back,” she kissed his forehead, his temple, and his hair.

“Amba, they’re going to be late,” Falgun laughed.

“Yes! Yes, I know, you’d best be off. I love you boys, be careful, have a great time at school, please write!” Amba said, finally sending them back onto the train.

“How was break, Sirius? I would call you by your last name, but you don’t have one anymore, do you?” Severus asked as they sat down for classes again.

“I do,” Sirius replied, “And if I didn’t, it wouldn’t be your business.”

“Well, you kind of started a scandal of sorts, and you know our families work together, so I do believe it is my business,” Severus said, leaning over his desk. As usual, he sat right behind them.

“I was gonna make a joke about you being nosey, but making fun of looks is kind of a low blow,” James smirked.

“Oh, like no one’s ever made fun of my nose before. So original,” Severus rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t realize I was supposed to be original, let me try again. Would it be better if I talked about your hair, since you’re basically a cat dipped in oil?” James smiled innocently.

“You cannot be serious, Potter,” Severus scrubbed his eyes tiredly.

“You’re right,” James pointed to the seat to his left, “ That’s Sirius Potter.”

“Ha ha, I get it, you’re poofs,” Severus frowned deeply.

“No no, we’re brothers,” James clapped Sirius on the back. Sirius was smiling so wide, he hid in his hands. Severus raised an eyebrow, confused, and then his eyes went wide.

“Oh, wow, he can make expressions. I had no idea his face was capable of that,” James mused. Then Severus was back to frowning.

“Surely you don’t think taking him in makes you some sort of saviour?” he asked bitterly.

“Not at all. I just always wanted a brother, and he was right there, so…here we are,” James said easily.

“Everyone quiet down! Welcome back, we’ve got a lot to cover,” said Slughorn. Severus glared holes into the backs of their heads, but he could say nothing else.

“There’s something you’re not telling us,” Severus began again in Transfigurations.

“Not that I owe you any information, but if you must know, I finally quit being part of that stupid family, and now I’m part of a different family that actually cares about things that aren’t house pride and the dark lord,” Sirius allowed James to help him sit down. He was currently walking with a cane, still recovering physically.

“Are you trying to tell me you weren’t kicked out? Because I really think you got kicked out,” Severus was genuinely unconvinced.

“They tried, but I was already leaving. I’ve been running away since first year, so they finally took the hint and let me go,” Sirius said, “Think whatever you want, spread whatever rumors you want, but I’m finally happy, so I really don’t care what the hell you say about me.”

“You say that, but I’ll find a way,” Severus squinted.

“Good luck, have fun,” Sirius shrugged.

That full moon, Padfoot the dog stayed under the willow, chin on its paws. The wolf left and came back, tried nudge him up, and huffed out his nose when the dog didn’t much move. The wolf left again, grabbed some sticks, and came back. The wolf presented them like gifts, but the dog still didn’t get up. Eventually, the wolf laid down next to the dog and stayed there with him until sunrise.

Sirius took his bandages off, running gentle fingers over his burn scars all up and down his arms. For the first time, it didn’t hurt much at all.

“I can’t believe they’d do that to you,” Remus frowned.

“Well, they did, and I look damn cool with these scars,” Sirius looked at himself in the mirror, turning his arms to see the scars all around.

“We’re matching now!” he then smiled, flexing his arms dramatically, “Nobody can mess with us, we’ve got scars. We’re tough .”

“You’re ridiculous,” Remus sighed, “But yeah, you’re the toughest person I know.”

“Can you give me more piercings?” he asked, observing the ones he just got in the mirror.

“After the first ones heal,” Remus agreed.

“There’s Mary, are you gonna say hi?” James pointed.

“Nah,” Sirius didn’t even look over, “We’re not together.”

“Couldn’t prove yourself a gentleman?” Remus smirked.

“Well no, I couldn’t, but that’s beside the point. I had my reasons,” Sirius said vaguely. Remus and James shared a Look. Sirius was always broken up with, not the other way around.

“Can we pull a prank? Or just do anything fun?” Sirius whined.

“I say we get under the cloak and see what happens,” James suggested.

So that’s exactly what they did. Remus lead them from outside the cloak, with his prefect badge on to avoid suspicion. Behind him, under the cloak, were his friends. They walked around a good long while in hopes of finding or witnessing something interesting, but nothing happened. They heard some pretty basic drama between some first year Hufflepuff girls, and that was the extent of it.

“Remus!” a kid he was tutoring had excitedly called his name. Panicked, he hushed them.

“What’s wrong?” they asked.

“It’s past curfew, you need to get back to your dorm,” he whispered back, but it was too late. Mrs. Norris was walking down the hall toward them, and Remus could distantly hear Filch following her from much further back. As soon as the kid turned to leave, James and Peter took off under the cloak. Sirius, who hadn’t gotten the memo, was standing in shock, now visible. Remus opened the nearest door and pulled him in, shutting and locking it before he realized it was a broom closet. He tried to shuffle away, but there was no room.

“Stop moving,” Sirius whispered.

“I feel like I can’t breathe,” Remus argued, shifting in hopes of getting some space between them. He knew he was blushing, and he could only be grateful Sirius’ animagus didn’t give him dark vision.

“What is your problem? You’re going to get us caught,” Sirius put his hands on Remus’ chest and pushed to still him, and that did not help Remus’ predicament.

“I’m uncomfortable,” Remus mumbled.

“No shit!” Sirius hissed. They were silent as they heard Filch pass, footsteps slow and calculated.

Remus went to unlock the door, and accidentally elbowed Sirius in the process.

“Fuck, ow!”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, fuck,” Remus turned to fix whatever he’d just done, but this cramped them in further.

“What’s going on with you?” Sirius whispered harshly. Luckily, Remus didn’t have to answer, because the door opened on James and Peter.

“Good thing we had the map,” James helped them back out, “Glad we found you.”

Something that hadn’t been in the castle before break was a note now posted in every third corridor that said ‘ NO DOGS ALLOWED .’ Sirius laughed so hard his ribs started to hurt again.

Every day, Sirius visibly regained strength. He walked a little taller, moved with returned grace, and within another two weeks he was able to stop using the cane without too much trouble.

The next full moon, the dog was much more mobile, to the wolf’s apparent joy. They jumped at each other and wagged their tails, chasing each other out of and around the tree.

Madame Pomfrey continued to be baffled by Remus’ lack of injuries. One day he had simply stopped tearing himself apart, and it stayed that way. Remus certainly couldn’t explain it to her, so she remained pleasantly surprised each time.

“My boy is getting older,” she hugged and squeezed him until he laughed and wriggled away, “Look at you all mature and able to handle yourself.”

“Poppy,” he managed to slip out of her big, warm arms, “I’ve got to get to class.”

“Gosh. Going to classes right after a full moon. All dressed, no injuries- I’m so proud of you,” she sighed happily.

“Thank you,” he replied, reluctantly headed toward the door, “I’ll check in after classes for another check up. See you later!”

“Bye, love!”

Valentine’s day was fast approaching.

“She’s gonna say yes,” James was bouncing on his heels.

“Sure she is,” Remus slapped him on the back and walked out, “Good luck.”

“Oh my god, he wants to meet up with me,” Lilly sighed, shoving the note in her pocket, “I’ll see you girls later.”

Mary, Marlene, and a Ravenclaw girl all called their goodbyes, and Lilly was off to the empty classroom James had summoned her to.

“Okay, Potter, I’ve fallen into your-” she opened the door and immediately had to pause, “...trap…”

“Hello,” James smiled. Sirius had done his hair, pushing it back and out of his face. Peter had helped him pick out some nice clothes, just nicer than what most might consider business casual. Remus took him to the greenhouse to pick out the right flowers, and then to the storage room of Honeyduke’s to get the best chocolates.

“Wow,” Lilly flushed, closing the door behind her. James hadn’t tried to ask her out for almost the entire school year. This wasn’t quite a surprise, given his record, but it sure did make her heart race.

“You said that sometimes you felt pressured to say yes just cause we’re in public. And I never want to make you feel or look bad. So I did all this in private, so that you don’t have to feel bad when you say no,” James said. The room was lit with just one candle, scented with lavender, one of Lilly’s favourite scents.

“If you know I’m gonna say no, why get me in here alone in the first place?” Lilly asked, ducking her head to make her blush less visible.

“Because I just want you to know I haven’t lost interest in you. I’m still crazy enough about you to do nice things for you when I know you’ll say no. But I also don’t want to make you feel bad about it, so…this is what I came up with,” James smiled, tight-lipped and nervous.

“Okay,” she smiled and folded her arms, “Then ask.”

“Oh,” James didn’t think she’d make him say the words, even if he’d spoken them to her many times before, “Will you go out with me? Just one date, I’m not trying to tie you down. But I’d really love a chance.”

“Alright,” she stepped closer to take the flowers, letting their hands brush, “Hogsmeade? This weekend?”

James had never been more astounded. He’d never looked more astounded, either. His brown eyes were open wide, made even bigger behind his thick glasses.

“What?” he asked stupidly.

“I said yes,” she laughed, despite herself.

“Yes? Yes! Yes yes yes okay,” James finally began to smile, “Holy- Okay, yeah, yes.”

“Yes,” she said again, “Just one.”

“One more than I thought I’d get,” James sighed in astonishment.

“That’s cute,” she walked back to the door, “Come on, we’ve got to catch the moving staircases on time for History Of Magic.”

James sat down, blushing, looking forward into the distance without a single thought behind his eyes.

“What happened?” Peter whispered.

“She said yes.”

“She said yes!” Peter leaned forward and whispered to Sirius and Remus, who gasped loudly and simultaneously.

“And she called me cute.”

Sirius shook his hands with excitement.

“You crazy bastard,” Remus began to smile, “You did it.”

James covered his face and smiled into his hands.

Chapter Text

James held every door for her. He gave her his scarf when she realized it was colder than she had expected. He bought her lunch, and every drink and snack he caught her eyeing after. In Honeyduke’s, he patted her on the shoulder.

She turned around and immediately threw her head back laughing when James sunk to the floor on one knee.

“Lilly Evans,” he pretended to wipe away tears, presenting a candy ring in his hands that he pantomimed a ring box in, “Will you…go on a second date with me?”

“Well when you ask like that …” she covered her mouth as if in shock, “Yes!”

James handed the candy ring to her and did a little happy dance, right there in the middle of the store.

“Will you actually? Go on a second date with me, I mean,” James asked again, as they walked back to the castle. The sun was beginning to set, and James found himself mesmerized by the way the golden light made her hair and eyes shine.

“I’ll admit, you sure do know how to treat a lady,” she grinned, “I’ll say…yes.”

“Okay, great!” James pressed his lips together to keep himself from saying anything else.

“You want to celebrate, don’t you?” Lilly asked, entertained by the obviousness that James was actively trying to look cool.

“I really do,” he replied shortly.

“Go ahead,” she giggled a little, and it turned into a shriek as James picked her up and twirled her around. She held on tight, hoping not to be dropped, and when she was put down, they were left hugging.

“-which is why it explodes when you say it wrong, because if you change one letter, it means…” Remus trailed off, watching James come quietly into the classroom. He had started doing joint study sessions, since so many people came to him asking for tutoring. Every other day now, he was in an empty classroom after school, teaching whatever subject the students needed help with. He didn’t even have to charge for it, either- the kids he tutored would constantly come to him with small treats, gifts, etc. as payment. It wasn’t money, but it sure was nice.

“Excuse me a moment. I’m going to let you practice,” Remus dismissed himself, practically running to James.

“She said yes to a second date,” James said right away, knowing what he’d be asked, “Today was amazing. We had tons of fun. I got you a chocolate frog.”

“Thanks, mate, really happy for you,” Remus gladly took the frog, and patted James gratefully on the back. Ever since his friends found out about his affinity for chocolate, they always came back with some when they went on their Hogsmeade dates.

In two weeks, Remus was going to be sixteen years old. He stopped by the infirmary frequently with headaches, and spent a lot of time outside of his dorm, knowing his roommates were likely planning something.

The party they threw him was big and loud, and they played only his favourite music. People were getting wildly drunk, if only to forget what life would go back to when the party was over. Mary was sulking in the corner by the stairs to the girls common rooms, drink in hand that remained full.

“Hey,” Sirius leaned against the wall next to her.

“Hey,” she sighed, looking him up and down, “Who are you trying to impress with your cropped shirts and painted nails? You look like a Green Day reject.”

“Not all of what I do is to impress people,” he frowned.

“I’m just bitter. And lonely,” she admitted, “I don’t even need a boyfriend. I just want to snog someone.”

“Tell me about it,” he huffed.

Remus was barely at his own party. Lucas dragged him off to the dark staircase right away, kissing him silent and sneaking hands under his jumper.

“Will you stop turning away from me?” he asked, annoyed.

“I’m sorry, I just keep hearing someone coming,” Remus replied, turning back to him for another kiss. Lucas was a little shorter than him, but not by much- he had fluffy black hair and smooth, light brown skin. He had accepted easily that Remus wasn’t in the market for a relationship, but what they had, the thrill of the secret, was enough for Lucas to stick with him.

“Remus.”

“No, I hear someone coming,” Remus whispered, hands dropping to his sides.
“No you don’t,” Lucas rolled his eyes, cupping Remus’ face in both hands and pulling him down. As their lips met, another voice called.

“Moony?”

Remus nearly fell, he pulled away so quickly.

“Who is that?” Sirius asked. It was dark, all he saw was the shadow of Lucas.

Remus’ face morphed into an expression of pure terror. He opened his mouth to speak, and looked desperately to Lucas for help.

“Oh my God,” Lucas whispered angrily, looking between the two. He shoved Remus in the chest, cursing in Spanish under his breath.

“ ¿Hablas español? ” Sirius called up.

“ Sí. Desearía no haberlo hecho. Esto tiene mucho sentido ahora, ” Lucas hissed, giving Remus a dirty look before marching down the stairs. Hearing and seeing now that the person he’d caught Remus with was another boy, and a boy he recognized at that, Sirius’ eyes widened and he stared blankly up at Remus.

“ ¿Qué quieres decir con eso? ” he turned quickly to ask Lucas, but Lucas had disappeared into the crowd.

“Moony.”

Remus could feel the spotlight on him, even if the hallway was almost pitch dark.

“Padfoot.”

“What was that?”

“He asked if he could talk to me,” Remus lied quickly, “He just sort of…cornered me.”

Sirius contemplated this. To be fair, when he had walked in, Remus had looked very much Not On Board, even if it was only because he knew they were about to get caught.

“Damn. Weird,” Sirius said eventually, and then turned right back around to leave. It seemed he had nothing more to say.

Remus sank to the floor, sitting on a step and scrubbing his face. Heart racing, blushing, feeling totally defeated, it took him several minutes to stand back up and face the crowd again. He went to find Sirius, hammer his lie home, and spend the rest of the night like nothing happened. Sirius, however, was making out with Mary on one of the couches.

Remus wanted to tear his hair out. People were so complicated, he felt another headache coming on trying to figure it out. Did Sirius believe his lie? If not, what did he believe? Does he know now? Why is Sirius snogging Mary? Hadn’t she broken up with him, and then he broke up with her? Where was Lucas? Why had Lucas been so angry upon seeing Sirius? The questions came so quickly, he couldn’t manage to answer any of them.

He couldn’t enjoy anything. He was just grateful when the party was over. He laid down in hopes of going to sleep and forgetting it all, but he remained wide awake all night. He ended up getting up with the sun, deciding that sleep could wait for tomorrow. He went for a walk alone, and ended up passing Lilly as she left the girl’s bathroom.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Hungover,” she grimaced, scrubbing her eyes. He laughed a little, wished her to feel better later, and moved on. By breakfast, he felt much better having walked off some of his energy, but the anxiety remained.

“Where’s Lilly?” James frowned as he sat.

“Probably girl’s room,” Remus was not eating, “Saw her leaving it this morning. She’s terribly hungover.”

“Jeez, Remus, how do you always know these things all the time? Do girls just go straight to you whenever they have issues?” James ran a hand through his hair, “I couldn’t be that popular with girls if I tried . Leave some for the rest of us, eh?”

“Oh yeah, cause everyone knows I’m the Casanova of Gryffindor,” Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius’ expression soured greatly at this joke. Remus would have given anything to know what he was thinking in that moment.

Maybe it was the impending full moon, but Remus couldn’t stop the rush of his thoughts or his energy. He had to skip classes that day, after he was kicked out of Charms for being too distracting with his frequent fidgeting. He paced the empty hall that he usually met Lucas in.

“Moony, what is going on?” Sirius asked.

“How did you-”

Sirius simply held up the map that Remus wasn’t aware had been taken out of his bag.

“You should be in class,” he said instead.

“So should you. What’s going on with you?” Sirius came closer, and his gaze had Remus pinned to his spot.

“I’m trying to get that guy’s taste out of my mouth,” he admitted, “I wish I knew why he was so mad at me.”

“Probably cause you rejected him,” Sirius said, then paused, “So you hated it that much, huh?”

“Yes,” Remus groaned, feeling awful just remembering the moment Sirius had spotted them. For all the worrying he had done and caution he had taken, it still happened.

“Did you know he was…you know…queer? Before he kissed you?” Sirius asked.

“He gave me a few hints,” Remus blushed a little, recalling the short conversation about the authors they enjoyed.

“Do you hate him ?” Sirius pressed.

“A little,” Remus looked at the floor, “If I’m being completely honest.”

He hated Lucas a little for not understanding he couldn’t come out yet. He hated Lucas a little for kissing him knowing damn well they’d get caught. He hated Lucas a little for a lot of things. The reason Sirius concluded was not any of those things.

“Yeah, queer people. Weird that he’d do that to you,” Sirius shuffled his feet. His hands were in his pockets.

“Why do you say it like that?” Remus blurted. If acting minutely homophobic kept Sirius off his trail, then so be it, but he sure hadn’t expected Sirius to have much of his own opinion.

“Well, I just mean that…queer was just another word for ‘odd,’ before…what it means now. Makes sense,” Sirius had never looked so distinctly uncomfortable, as he stared intently at a specific spot on the blank wall.

“Yeah,” Remus agreed with a dry throat, “Anyway, you should go back to class. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” Sirius took a step backward, “Bye.”

“Where’s Sirius?” Peter asked.

“I thought he went back to class,” Remus frowned. He had already set aside some of the pan dulce being served, knowing it was Sirius’ favourite, but his seat remained empty.

“No, we thought he was with you,” James replied.

“I swear, it’s like we’re his babysitters,” Peter laughed a little,  piling his plate, “I’m sure we’ll hear McGonagall yelling about whatever he did in a few minutes.”

Sirius was in a boy’s restroom in the East building, on the floor under the sinks when Lucas walked in.

“So.”

“So what?”

“So you saw me kiss your best friend,” Lucas sighed, “and you clearly have some things to say.”

“Why did you kiss him?”

“I’m attracted to him,” Lucas replied simply, sitting next to him on the cold tile.

“Why were you mad at him?”

“Because he doesn’t reciprocate,” Lucas rummaged in his pockets for something, “What did he tell you, when I left?”

“He said you kissed him, kinda cornered him a little,” Sirius mumbled, knees to his chest.

“Yeah, I guess he was right about that. Looking back, it’s so clear he didn’t want what I wanted,” Lucas pulled out a roll of something that looked kind of like a cigarette and a lighter.

“I’m kinda mad at you for it.”

Lucas laughed joylessly and lit the roll, taking a deep drag. Breathing out smoke, he looked relaxed.

“What’s so funny?” Sirius frowned.

“Nothing. It’s all quite sad, actually. I wish I knew you better, I might tell you what’s on my mind. But it’s hardly my business to meddle in the life of someone I’ve done a couple school projects with,” Lucas took another hit.

“That smells like skunk,” Sirius complained.

“Feels good though,” Lucas held it out, “Want to try?”

“No,” he scowled, “I’m angry with you.”

“Angry? I’d describe it as more of a jealousy thing,” Lucas corrected.

“Jealousy?” Sirius snorted.

“Oh, I must have misunderstood. So you didn’t want to be in my place, sneaking off to snog with Remus?” Lucas challenged.

Sirius snatched the roll, “Give me that.”

James thought he understood, when he saw Sirius later with blown pupils and smelling like smoke.

“You shouldn’t be doing that, you know,” he said quietly, “Smoking. It’s bad for you.”

“I do a lot of things that are bad for me,” Sirius said distantly, “I lie. I lied to Remus. I lied to myself, I lied to Lucas-”

“Who’s Lucas?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Sirius smiled, unhinged, “Nothing matters.”

“You need to drink some water and get some sleep. Maybe you’ll make sense later,” James frowned, already leading his friend to their dorm.

Chapter Text

Sirius gasped in surprise as he was pinned to the wall of the library. He looked up expecting to be punched, but was met with the dark eyes of Remus Lupin.

“What is happening?” he asked angrily.

“Like in general or…?” Sirius looked blankly at him.

“With us.”

“Us?”

“You’ve been avoiding me like the plague,” Remus squinted, “Is this because of that stupid thing with Lucas? Because I already told you, I’m not- It’s not like that.”

“I just have a lot going on,” Sirius wriggled out of his grasp, “I don’t have to spend all my time with you, you know. I’m allowed to have other friends. And hobbies.”

Remus was visibly doing mental math to make sense of everything, but nothing added up.

“I guess,” he said finally, defeated, “So you’re just…moving on?”

“I wouldn’t say it like that. I’m just learning how to be my own person. Still figuring out who I am now that I’m not tied down to my old family, you know? I’ve got a lot to think about,” Sirius turned his back to his friend, pretending to look for something specific on the book shelves.

“I guess…” Remus mumbled.

“Holi starts in two days,” Sirius changed the subject as quickly as possible without being suspicious, “Are you gonna join James and I for the festival?”

“Yeah, sure. See you later.”

They watched the bonfire from their dorm window. James and many other students danced around it, no doubt singing at the top of their lungs.

“I’m jealous of him. For having culture and traditions and all that,” Sirius huffed.

“You’re Mexican…?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t know I was until I was ten years old. I knew we spoke Spanish around the house, but we never did holidays. We never did decorations or music or traditional clothes. I don’t even know if there are Mexican holidays,” Sirius frowned, “James is really trying to include me in all of his stuff, now that I’m technically his brother. And it’s great, it’s really sweet. But I still feel like an imposter.”

“Wish I knew how to help,” was all Remus could think to say. Sirius rolled his eyes.

The next morning was a Saturday.

“Wake up, festival starts soon,” James shook them both awake, “I gave you both white clothes, they’re on your dressers. See you outside!”

There were many bins and tables of dyed water, water balloons and guns, and piles of brightly coloured powders.

Right away, Remus was hit in the back really, really hard, by a red water balloon that soaked him from his shoulders to the backs of his knees. He turned around, a yellow water balloon in hand, to see Sirius, hair pulled back into a ponytail. He looked upset, and unafraid as he stood his ground.

“What was that for?”

“We’ve been fighting, haven’t we?”

“I suppose we have,” Remus frowned, “So then am I supposed to hit you back?”

“I’d love it if you did. Give me a proper reason to be upset with you,” Sirius said firmly, mouth flat with effort to keep his expression neutral.

Remus threw the balloon right at Sirius’ chest.

“What the hell was that? That was wimpy. I know you’re stronger than you look, hit me again. Give it all your might.”

Remus didn’t move. He knew Sirius was hinting at something that had nothing to do with the water balloons, but he hadn’t a clue what.

Sirius walked to him slowly, until their chests almost touched. He reached behind Remus, not breaking eye contact, to grab another balloon and place it in his hands for him.

“Hit me,” he took a few steps back, “Whatever it is you haven’t been telling me, get it out now. Because I’m tired of doing this are-we-fighting-are-we-not thing.”

Feeling a bit more understanding of what was going on, Remus nodded and took a breath before pelting the balloon at Sirius’ feet.

“So that’s how it is?” Sirius quirked an eyebrow.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Then stop.”

“What?”

“If you don’t want to hurt me, then stop hurting me,” Sirius repeated, and handed him another water balloon, “Now hit me.”

Frustrated, Remus pushed the balloon into Sirius’ lower chest, where it popped and stained him red as he stumbled back.

“Feel better?” Sirius asked.

“No,” Remus grabbed another balloon and threw it. Sirius’ right leg dripped with green.

“Okay, now I’m good.”

Sirius squinted, clearly unhappy with the outcome of this conversation, but turned to leave. Remus wasn’t taking hints, and Sirius wasn’t in the mood to tell Remus all of his grievances straight up.

He got one step away when another balloon hit him square in the back. He shivered, cool water chilling his spine.

“I lied,” Remus said, smirking, “I think I need to get a few more hits in. You’ve been quite annoying lately.”

“I thought I was annoying all the time,” Sirius turned back to him, “But sure, I’ll take this over another week of passive aggression.”

Remus laughed and threw another balloon. Sirius reached into his back pocket, and shook some red powder out of a bag into his palm.

“James says this holiday is about welcoming in the spring, and all the good things that come with it. It’s about getting rid of bad things and letting go of grudges,” Sirius stepped forward, coating his hands thoroughly in the powder. With one hand, he slapped Remus lightly, leaving a red handprint on his cheek. With his other hand, he pressed straight over Remus’ heart and left a solid red handprint on the white shirt.

“So this is me letting go,” he said.

“I like this holiday,” Remus said decidedly, reaching behind him into a plate of purple powder. When he was sure his hands were covered, he reached out and pulled Sirius in for a hug, leaving purple handprints on his waist.

“I’m sorry if I made you think I was upset with you. I’m under a lot of pressure right now, and I know you are, too, but lets stop taking it out on each other, yeah?” Remus asked into Sirius’ hair.

“Yeah, James did say something about forgiveness being a Holi theme…” Sirius agreed. Then there was a splash of water against the back of Remus’ head, “So I’ll forgive you after I get my hits in.”

Then Sirius was running away, laughing, and Remus was grabbing fistfulls of powder and chasing after him.

James found them wrestling in the dirt, laughing, in a cloud of colored dust.

“Wow. I don’t know why I expected anything different,” he said, hands on his hips, “I’m going to go see if Lilly wants to join.”

Remus stood up and held out a hand to help Sirius up. When their hands met, chalk flew off the point of impact like flour. He hauled Sirius to his feet and walked him to the nearest table, where he grabbed a water bottle. He opened it, took a swig, and handed it to Sirius, who did the same. The sun was high, the clouds were gone, and for the first time in the year, it wasn’t frighteningly cold out. Sirius took his ponytail out, letting the hair tie fall around his wrist as he ran a hand through his damp curls.

In Remus’ eyes, he had never been more beautiful. The burn scars on his arms were healing nicely, and he wasn’t afraid of people seeing them. His hair was down to his shoulders, curly and shiny- the fact that he was finally taking care of himself made Remus proud, in an odd way. He was smiling, dirt smudges buried under splotches of colour. Against the grey sky, Sirius was a rainbow.

“You’re staring. Have I got something on my face?” Sirius teased.

“Quite a lot, actually. Here, let me help you wash it off,” he reached behind to the table, grasping blindly until he grabbed a water balloon that he squeezed and popped over Sirius’ head.

“You’re gonna regret that,” Sirius grinned, hair sticking to his face.

“Am I?” Remus tilted his head. Then Sirius was shaking his head like a dog to dry off, sending coloured water droplets everywhere.

“Aaaaughhhh, Padfoot, come on!” Remus took shelter behind his arms. Sirius laughed harder.

When they headed in to shower, they spotted James and Lilly circling a table with water guns pointed at each other.

“Can’t wait to hear all about that,” Sirius grinned, “You know he’s gonna talk about it.”

“Oh, for sure.”

“Padfoot!” the door to their bathroom banged open. Sirius immediately slapped a hand over his mouth to cover his laugh.

“What the hell kind of powder did you use? No matter how much I scrub, it won’t come off,” Remus pouted a little, “You don’t look remotely sorry.”

“That’s cause I’m not,” Sirius snorted, “I guess you could say I…left my mark on you.”

Remus’ expression fell flat, “Really, Padfoot?”

“Well, it is my handprint on your face. And hey, most of it came off, it’s only kinda noticeable. I guess this is what you get for being white. My amazing melanin keeps you from seeing the stains that I’m sure are still there,” Sirius jested.

“You’re not that much darker than me, you just hit me too hard,” Remus whined.

The full moon was two days later. Remus and Sirius had to shower first thing in the morning after: the canines had spent a lot of time rolling in the leftover chalk.

Chapter Text

The Marauders sat on the rooftop that evening and watched the sunset together.

“What do you want to do when you grow up? We tried to figure it out in first year and I still don’t know. Sure, I could get a little part time job at a Hogsmeade or something. But that’s not all I’m ever gonna do, is it? I’m not smart enough for bigger things, but does that seriously mean I have to work at Zonko’s for the rest of my life?” Peter lamented.

“At this point, I just want to be alive when I’m older. The war and everything is making life so complicated and I just want to get to be an adult for a little while before I die. I know I’m going to have to fight, being a werewolf and everything, but after…I have no idea,” Remus admitted.

“I want to get married. Be a stay at home dad or something. I’ll let my wife bring home all the money, just spend my days with my kids. I’ll learn to cook and clean, whatever else I need to do, like…change diapers or whatever. If I go to school to go to work to go to work to go to work and then die, I don’t think I’ll have lived at all,” Sirius said thoughtfully.

The wind was gentle. Remus ached with the aftermath of the full moon.

“What about you, Prongs? Still wanna work at the Ministry?” he asked.

“I’m gonna be a soldier for the Ministry,” James said.

“No, like, for the rest of your life,” Sirius corrected.

I know , James thought. Battles were just starting, but most who fought them on the side of humanity did not make it out. He understood that being a soldier meant dying young, but he’d already seen it in his cups and cards. He knew he’d die before the age of thirty. If he was going out early, he’d go out fighting and kicking. But he was not going to say that.

“I don’t know, I guess I’d still like to do my Ministry child protective services thing, but it seems really difficult. Reformation of existing branches is already hard enough, creating a new one sounds like a nightmare,” he said instead.

“Fair enough,” Sirius hummed.

The reason Peter had been thinking about the future became apparent to the others soon. McGonagall was pulling aside all fifth years and up, talking to them individually and taking polls of plans for the future.

“I’m going to fight. If I live, then I don’t know about after,” Remus had replied bluntly.

“Remus, be real with me,” she frowned.

“I am. I’m too smart to lie to you, professor,” he said. When he looked up at her, she looked on the verge of tears.

“Mister Potter said the same thing. I wish you’d have a little more hope,” she swallowed hard, “Please just think about it. I still think you’d make an excellent teacher.”

“Thank you, professor,” he said. When he was dismissed, he felt much worse than when he’d walked in.

Walking back to class from her office, he felt a pain in his face- the scars across his nose. It was a kind of pain he hadn’t felt since it was healing days after he got it. He reached up to scratch it, and his hand came back covered in blood. Then looking at his hand, several scars there had also re-opened. He turned around, smelling something awful, and saw Barty Crouch Junior.

“Where do you get all those scars from anyway, huh?” he asked. Behind him was Severus Snape.

“Ask no questions and I’ll tell no lies,” Remus rolled his eyes, deciding he should turn his back and keep walking.

“Think it’s from the orphanage he lives at?”

“I don’t live in an orphanage,” Remus corrected tiredly, “What’s my favourite colour?”

“Why the fuck should we know?” Severus squinted.

“Well, if you don’t know me well enough to know my favourite colour, you don’t get to know my secrets,” Remus kept walking. He was almost out of range when a large gash on his back re-opened. He turned quickly to curse at Barty, but saw that Severus was the one with his wand out. He quickly tried to hide it.

Remus just sneered and turned back, walking away completely.

Ditching class, he went straight to the dorm and grabbed his medical kit. When Sirius returned for a nap during lunch break, he crossed his arms and looked down on Remus, who was sitting on the floor.

“What did you do this time?” he asked.

“It wasn’t me,” Remus mumbled. Sirius’ expression changed from mild concern to cold rage in an instant.

“Who was it, then?” his voice had gone rigid.

“I’m only telling you if you promise not to try to get revenge,” Remus finished bandaging his hand.

“Fine. Promise,” Sirius huffed, tapping his foot, “Who?”

“Severus.”

“Fucking knew it!”

“No revenge,” Remus repeated, “We’re living through a war. Now is not the time for pranks.”

“Ugh. Fine,” Sirius mumbled again, kicking his shoes off and throwing himself in bed.

Lilly wasn’t speaking to Severus anymore. Nobody was speaking to Severus anymore except Barty Crouch Junior, Mulciber, Regulus, Lucius, and other well-known Dark Lord supporters.

The following full moon was worse than it had been since he’d been alone. With all the re-opened cuts, the wolf was rather miserable trying not to split any of them back open. What was worse was that all of his companions had disappeared very early on into the night. He woke up alone and bleeding in the Shrieking Shack for the first time in a long while.

He was terribly confused, more than anything else. He stared down at himself, frowning, and then looked around for any sign of the others. He found none.

He was barely dressed when Pomfrey came in.

“Rough night for everyone, eh?” she tutted.

“What does that mean?” Remus asked nearly frantically, allowing Pomfrey to lead him back to the infirmary, “Poppy, what does that mean?”

“Don’t worry about it,” she said shortly.

“Well now I’m gonna worry more!” he protested.

“Well, James has been pacing the infirmary all morning, so I’m sure he’ll be happy to tell you what happened. Even I don’t know the full story,” she admitted, sitting him down on a bed.

“What happened?” he demanded as soon as he saw his friend.

“Get your cuts fixed first. Then we’ll talk,” James said shortly, and left.

By the time Remus was fixed up, it was time for class.

“Someone didn’t sleep very well,” Severus commented when Remus came in late and winced when he sat.

“Fuck off.”

“Rude. Tame your dog, Sirius,” Severus reprimanded. Sirius went completely rigid. His wide eyes flitted between Remus and Severus with panic. Something was very much Wrong, and Remus was beginning to verge on manic trying to figure out what.

“What’s wrong? Remus’ time of the month, is it?” Severus smirked a little, and that was the final nail in the coffin.

What. In. The. Fresh. HELL.

“Prongs. A word,” Remus stood up and walked out before the teacher could even start the lesson.

“You have every right to be angry, but it would be great if you…didn’t…” James whispered slowly, as they walked out.

“Spit it out, what the fuck happend that’s got Severus making werewolf jokes?” Remus hissed.

“Right. Um! So. He knows. But he can’t tell anyone. Literally he can’t. We made sure of it. So it’s fine!” a smile had never looked so nervous.

“He knows!” Remus whispered loudly, clawing his face, “He fucking- James, how the living hell did that happen?!”

“He…was told…how to immobilize the…willow…” James was looking at the floor, “And he didn’t reach it. But he did see…you…”

“Who told him,” Remus demanded. James said nothing.

“James. Who. The fuck. Told him?”

“He didn’t mean to- You can be angry all you want, but please don’t blame him, he feels terrible-”

“It was Sirius,” Remus said with realization, “Wasn’t it?”

James pressed his lips together.

Remus laughed. He laughed and rubbed his face until he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and he had re-opened some of his facial wounds in the process.

“It was Sirius. Amazing. I have to go,” Remus spun on his heel and started walking quickly away.

“He thought he wouldn’t get past the willow, you know it’s dangerous! But by the time Severus got there, Peter had already immobilized it, and so he…he- but then Padfoot chased him away, because he didn’t think he’d actually go through with it. He would never have actually let you- Remus!” James had tried to catch up with him, but Remus walked fast, and he clearly wasn’t listening anyway.

Sirius walked out of the classroom after a couple minutes, too anxious to stay in his seat any longer, just wondering what was happening outside. James simply facepalmed and groaned. How they all got caught up in this, he still couldn’t grasp.

“Remus!”

“No.”

“Remus.”

“No! I don’t want to hear it, I just- I need a minute,” Remus kept walking.

“Remus, I’m so so sorry.”

“I don’t want your fucking apologies! Severus knows I’m a werewolf now, and you could have gotten him killed! That poor kid got fucking blinded last year by getting in the general vicinity of that stupid fucking tree,” Remus ranted, finally stopping to look at Sirius, who almost ran into him trying to catch up.

“You knew it was a full moon. You knew that’s where I’d be. How stupid do you have to be to-?!”

Remus cut himself off abruptly. He stumbled back, shaking his head as he realized with horror what exactly had happened.

“Remus,” Sirius took a step forward, and Remus shoved him backward so hard he nearly fell.

“You’re not stupid. You knew exactly what you were doing. You. You wanted him to see me,” Remus could hardly breathe, “You wanted me to hurt him. You knew- You knew .”

“I didn’t think he’d get past the willow, I told him way early in the day! I thought he’d go well before sunset, but I thought at least if he waited-”

“No! No no no no I don’t want to hear it. Do you have any idea- do you have any idea- ?! What were you thinking?!”

“I was-”

“You weren’t! You weren’t thinking! Why? What the fuck gave you the idea to cross a line like that?” Remus knew that shouting would let many more people in on his secret, so he remained quiet, but barely so.

“When they hurt you like that, re-opening all your scars…”

“Oh,” Remus laughed, unhinged, “Oh, so this was all for revenge that you promised not to take! You fucking promised! And by the way, when your revenge hurts the person you’re avenging, it’s not revenge anymore, it’s just a selfish need for justice. You- You just- I can’t even look at you right now.”

He turned and kept walking.

“Remus I’m sorry. ”

“I don’t care! And frankly, I don’t think you are. Weren’t you just- We were just apologizing! We barely got over our last stupid tiff, I- Do you know how much effort I put into being a better person for you? I learned to communicate, I learned to be kind, I learned to help, I learned to care, all so I could build something with you and just when I think we’ve gotten past being petty kids, you pulled the rug out from under me. Make up your mind, please! We’re friends, and then we hate each other, and then we’re friends again, and then we fight, and then you become an animagus in like three years because you supposedly care so much, and then- then this! Did you stop even once to consider the consequences?” Remus asked desperately.

Sirius opened his mouth, but Remus continued before he could speak, “I could have killed him. If the wolf had seen him, it would have fucking mauled him. It knows I hate him, and you know werewolves are awful, violent creatures. I. would. have. killed. him. Did you consider that? Did you consider that we would be attending his funeral? Did you consider that his blood would be on our hands? My hands?”

Sirius looked at the ground. His hair fell in his face.

“No, no, you don’t get to cower out of this one. Look at me, ” Remus demanded, “Do you know what the punishment is for a werewolf who kills someone?”

Sirius mumbled.

“I can’t hear you.”

“They go to Azkaban,” he muttered just a little louder.

“Oh no, that’s the punishment for biting someone. If I had killed Severus, they would have put. me. down. I wouldn’t get to turn back, I would not live to see another sunrise. You would never see Remus again. You’d see Moony the lifeless wolf as they de-fanged and de-clawed me to sell my parts to collectors. They would skin me and sell my hide. Do you hear me? Forget what I said about us attending Severus’ funeral, because I wouldn’t be here. There would be two funerals to attend, and they’d both be your fault. There wouldn’t even be a fucking body to bury, I’d have been taken apart already. Severus re-opened some cuts that I already had, big deal. You tried to kill me and him both.”

“I didn’t know-”

“Of course you didn’t know! You never do,” Remus felt quite lightheaded.

“I breathed life back into your body because I couldn’t stand the thought of living in a world that you weren’t part of. Good to know I did all that for someone who wanted me dead,” Remus hissed, trembling. Sirius reached a hand out, and Remus jerked his away far out of reach before they made contact.

“Do not touch me. In fact, don’t talk to me. Don’t look at me, don’t get near me. You’re a selfish, entitled brat. I hope you’re happy with yourself,” Remus couldn’t even make eye contact, “For the final fucking time, princess, I am leaving . If you follow me, it will be your funeral. God knows you’ve already dug yourself a deep enough grave.”

Chapter Text

Within a few minutes, Remus was walking straight into McGonagall’s office.

“Send me back to Saint Edmund’s,” he demanded.

“Not this again…”

“Severus Snape got near the willow last night. He saw me. If I saw him, we’d both be dead by now. You need to expel me. I shouldn’t be here.”

“Did you kill him?” she asked.

“No.”

“Did you hurt him at all?”

“No, but-”

“Did you see the future, and watch yourself as the wolf hurt him?”

“No.”

“Then all is well, and you don’t actually know what would have happened, so you needn’t worry about it. No point. It didn’t happen, and it won’t. I will have Severus sworn to secrecy by Headmaster Dumbledore himself. He’s fine, you’re fine. You are not going back to Saint Edmund’s until the summer,” McGonagall said firmly. Remus left the office in a tizzy.

He made a room change request that was denied, and then a restraining order request that also was denied. He stayed on his bed, curtains charmed shut any time he had to be in his dorm.

His mind was overflowed with memories at any given time. He couldn’t manage to focus on anything else. He barely even tried to get any schoolwork done. He didn’t show up to most classes, anyway. He simply couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Sirius was behind this whole catastrophe. Sirius, who had slow danced with him until he learned to waltz. Sirius, who had become an Animagus in record time just to keep Remus company on full moons. Sirius, who had kept all of his secrets from first year until now. Sirius, who wore that stupid heart locket every single day. Sirius, who he held the lifeless body of and stayed beside until he was stable again. Sirius, who he belted West Side Story with. Sirius, who lost chess every time they played. Sirius, with his record player and pierced ears. Sirius, whose face was on every other page of Remus’ sketchbooks.

Remus could smell him now, just outside his bed curtains. True to Remus’ request, he hadn’t approached or spoken to him, but he was always nearby. He had stopped eating at the Gryffindor tables, and he had taken to sitting at the back of every class. Never that close, certainly not as close as he clearly wanted to be, but he knew better than to upset Remus any more than he already had.

A week later, Remus found a note on his Transfigurations textbook.

I’m sorry was all it said.

There was another in his bag. There was another stuck to the front of the map. There was another on his pillow. Remus threw them all away. When he knew Sirius was watching, he’d even tear it up or toss it into the common room fireplace.

The week after that was origami hearts. The week after that was chocolates. Then it was little trinkets and rocks Remus knew Sirius collected, and didn’t like giving to others. He’d seen many of them when Sirius had first collected them, always there to listen to him ramble excitedly about all of his cool little shiny things. Remus didn’t throw these away, he just put them all in a bag and dumped the bag back onto Sirius’ bed at the end of the week. Then it was nothing for a few days.

The full moon of May was rough. Padfoot had shown up and bowed his head, which Moony had batted at with claws out. The dogs would often play fight, but Sirius always walked away unscathed. This time, Moony showed no regard for Padfoot’s wellbeing. There was no playing fetch or howling at the moon. Moony would start growling when Padfoot got anywhere near.

Remus woke up in the infirmary, and immediately smelled Sirius and blood. There was a divot on his bed as if something was weighing it in, but nothing was there.

He reached out slowly, and his hand landed on the soft silky fabric of the invisibility cloak. He lifted it to see Sirius asleep, bleeding from his hairline down his right temple. There were claw marks there. He was sitting in the visitor chair, arms rested on the edge of the bed, face buried in the crook of his elbow.

The worst part of it wasn’t that he was there, or that he was using the cloak to stay updated in Remus’ life. The worst part was that he was still as beautiful as ever, and that Remus wanted to wipe the blood away and bandage him up. It was the first time he’d looked him in the face since this time last month.

Sighing, he let the cloak fall all the way back over the other, and tried to fall back asleep. But as the cloak had been dropped back in place, Sirius seemed to stir. The weight of the bed lifted as Sirius presumably sat up.

Remus didn’t say anything. He was still fully and firmly giving Sirius the silent treatment. He just pointed with a bloody hand at the door. Dejected footsteps got quieter as they got further away.

The last week of school, Sirius finally spoke.

“I’m sorry,” he’d said in the morning, as Remus got up to get dressed.

“I’m sorry,” he’d said as they walked to class.

“I’m sorry,” he’d said, as he passed Remus’ seat on the way to the back of the room.

“I’m sorry,” he’d said on their way to dinner.

“I’m sorry,” he’d said before bed.

That week, Remus had returned to classes fully if only to take finals and show respect to the professors, who had been allowing him to take time off. Several of Sirius’ apologies would be interrupted, as Remus would just get up and leave whenever he smelled or heard Sirius approach.

Everyone noticed it. People Remus had never talked to before were approaching him, as if they had just been waiting for the position of Remus’ Best Friend to open up. James and Peter still stuck by Remus, but everyone knew there was a fourth person missing.

It was especially hard for James to turn his back on Sirius. And he hadn’t completely, at least not as much as Remus, but considering the sense of brotherhood they’d always shared, any amount of falling out was too much for either to handle. Still, as much as James loved Sirius, he knew that this was the worst thing any of them had ever done. And it wasn’t his place to forgive. He knew that. Until Remus forgave, if he ever did, Sirius was going to be held to his actions.

Remus was the first one to get his grades back, reviewing the paper as he entered his dorm late in the day, with only one day left of the school year. Despite his absence in the past few weeks, his grades were perfect. He had a feeling the teachers had cut him a little slack- after he’d told Dumbledore what happened, he had a feeling Dumbledore told the professors.

Next to History of Magic was that little 1st mark.

“Hey, Padfoot, look at-”

Remus cut himself off as he remembered he was speaking to an empty room. It happened every few days that he’d forget, and he’d call for him. To his great luck, Sirius was never around when he made these slip ups, but it hurt anyway. He was embarrassed. Ashamed of himself, even, to be missing someone who had betrayed him. Even as he looked back down at a report card of straight A’s, he felt stupid.

He had no idea just how much he’d become accustomed to the company until it was gone. He’d put his arm around no one as he sat down on the common room couch. He’d offer a sip of his drink to someone no longer sitting across from him at lunch. He’d turn and whisper a joke to an empty seat during class.

After dinner, many students scurried the halls getting last minute assignments in. Sirius had missed a good many things in the past couple weeks, with little to no motivation to do anything. Having half-assed his way through a few missing essays, he was trying to turn as many in before tomorrow as possible.

“Nice hair, Black,” Jordan Piers snickered. Barty laughed beside him. Sirius said nothing. He just pulled his hood over his head, which he admittedly had been neglecting. Even brushing his hair felt like too much of a chore lately.

“Suddenly quiet? Someone must have charmed your mouth shut, we all know you’re incapable of shutting it on your own,” Barty jabbed. Sirius walked faster away, but was tripped. He winced, but still made no noise as he tried to get up. Someone stepped on his lower back and flattened him against the stone.

“Nothing without your freak boyfriend, hmm? He stopped humoring you and suddenly you’re a mess. Didn’t take much for you to completely fall apart, did it? He took the rubber band holding you together and you crumbled. You are so fucking easy to break. I always knew you were weak,” Barty sneered.

“Nothing to say. How sad,” Jordan laughed.

“Speak, dog,” Barty commanded. Sirius weakly tried to move from under the boot crushing him, but it barely moved.

“I said speak,” Barty hissed. Sirius kept his mouth shut, and consequently felt someone else step on his forearm. Something near his wrist snapped. He screwed his eyes shut and stayed silent.

“We spend our entire time here telling you to shut the fuck up, and now that we tell you to say something, you refuse. Just like you,” Jordan scoffed, removing his foot and promptly kicking the side of his head. Sirius struggled harder to get out from under the boot on his back, and he managed to make more progress this time. Barty was now only stepping on his cloak.

Shrugging his cloak off, he got up immediately. He was now without his wand, but not without magic. He jumped and rolled forward, allowing Padfoot to take over and growl at the Slytherin boys.

Disgust overtook the admiration on Barty’s face rather quickly, and he said slowly, “So you really are a bitch. In every sense of the word.”

He bent to take Sirius’ wand from his discarded robe.

“Alright, that’s enough,” James shouted, footsteps coming nearer. Sirius wasn’t sure if he’d been there the whole time or if he’d just arrived. It was hard to tell, when he was keeping his head down and looking at the floor most of the time these days.

“What are you gonna do about it, rich boy?” Barty asked, “I watched Minnie take your wand earlier after your stupid attempt at a potions prank. You’re unarmed. And from my understanding, you’re not talking to this sad little thing either.”

“I’m not talking to him. And I’m not armed. But he’s my brother. And I’m gonna need you to turn him over,” James said flatly.

“He’s a dog,” Jordan deadpanned, tossing a haphazard curse in Padfoot’s direction. He was thrown back against the wall, and as he rolled back to the floor, he was human again. Face down on the stone.

“Hey, doggie, why don’t you fetch?” Jordan smirked, tossing Sirius’ wand far down the hallway. Barty flicked a curse at Sirius as well, for good measure, and Sirius finally shouted as he curled in on himself with immense burning in his lungs and dryness in his throat.

“Yeah, he is,” James sighed. And he reared back before punching Jordan hard in the nose. As Barty came up behind him, he threw an elbow back that got the other in the eye. Turning and grabbing Barty by the wrist, he wrenched his wand from his hand and snapped it over his knee. Sirius gasped air back into his lungs.

“You-” Barty looked absolutely furious, yellow eyes flashing with pure rage.

“Before you tell me you’re going to tell Minnie, I’ll go ahead and take care of that. I’ll tell her to her face that I broke your wand. And I’ll tell her why. Go back to the hole you crawled out of,” James said flatly, “And I’ll get mine back in the process. Because if I had been able to defend myself and Sirius with it, I wouldn’t have had to break yours. Funny how that works, isn’t it? Turns out, making your entire personality being scary doesn’t work when people aren’t scared of you. You’re not shit. So get out of my fucking way.”

“Give me my wand back,” Barty hissed.

“Why don’t you fetch?” James deadpanned, not breaking eye contact as he tossed the wand pieces carelessly to the side.

James helped Sirius up from the floor. Barty did not stop him. Neither did Jordan.

The first thing he did was drop Sirius off at the infirmary.

“What happened?!” Pomfrey asked.

“He got beat up. Didn’t really fight back. I think he thinks he deserved it,” James said immediately, finally letting go of Sirius’ arm that he’d been dragging him by, “Looks like he broke his wrist. Maybe some other things. He won’t talk. Good luck with him.”

The second thing he did was barge into McGonagall’s office and sit down in the chair in front of her desk.

“I broke Barty Crouch Junior’s wand.”

“You what?!” she gasped, “That’s illegal!”

“I know. It was self defense. You still had my wand. He was trying to attack us.”

“That’s- It’s nearly impossible to break a wand! Their magic is as strong as the owner, breaking a wand takes work,” McGonagall stammered.

“Well then he must be one weak wizard because I snapped it over my knee. I didn’t have a wand, they took Sirius’ wand, and they beat him up, broke his wrist, called him names, and otherwise harassed him because they know he’s depressed and wouldn’t stick up for himself. Then they threatened me, and they hexed Sirius. So I took his wand and snapped it right in half. I threw it to the floor after that, too. So if he comes crying to you that I splintered his wand, yes I did. And I’m not sorry at all,” James confessed, stone-faced as he reported. McGonagall almost looked fearful.

“Merlin, James, you can’t just do things like that,” she hissed, “I can’t even give you detention. School ends tomorrow.”

“Then I don’t know, fail me on all my classes next year or something. But I’ll literally sign my name to it, I did it. And he deserved it,” James shrugged.

“Good lord. I don’t know what to do with you anymore, Potter,” she ran a hand down her face and sighed, “You said it was self defense?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Then I’m going to ignore this unless the Ministry gets involved. Just go, and don’t cause any trouble. Don’t give me any reason to change my mind,” she said tiredly, and waved him off. She looked exhausted, more so than usual. She had dark circles under her eyes, and her hair was more grey than black these days. Her age was beginning to show in the lines on her face, and the veins in her hands. The war was taking its toll.

Obediently, James stood, bowed respectfully to her, and left her office silently.

Chapter Text

On the last day of school, Sirius was already gone when Remus woke up. On his dresser was the heart locket and a note.

I don’t deserve your heart. Never did.

The locket ended up at the bottom of Remus’ trunk, where it had stayed before it had been given an owner.

Remus was alone on the train ride back to Saint Edmund’s. For the first time, the bleak grey skies of London and his cold, damp room at boarding school didn’t feel any less comfortable than Hogwarts had been lately. At least, now when he accidentally called for Sirius, there was no one around to hear it. Eventually, his own desperation to have his friend back and the conflicting resentment for that same friend lead to a mental break of sorts- he got into a fight with the first boy who tested his patience. He messed up the poor kid so badly, he was locked in his room for a week for the safety of the other students, and one of the teachers even gave him a paper psychological evaluation to fill out.

“Fuckin hate it here,” mumbled a kid over breakfast a week later, when Remus was finally allowed out, “Can’t get a single good night of sleep.”

“You too?” asked another.

“Yeah. Someone’s lost fucking puppy won’t stop barking and whining outside my room.”

Remus stiffened.

“Did you see the puppy?” he asked, his grip on his cup tightening so hard he almost cracked the glass.

“Yeah, some black mutt. German shepherd maybe? He’s still outside, no idea who the hell let ‘im in. Must be tryna find its owner- its clearly house trained.”

“Sorry about that,” Remus stood right away. His chair made an awful scraping noise on the floor as it slid on the concrete ground of the cafeteria.

“What for?”

“That’s my dog,” he said, and walked out.

He spotted the dog right away. Padfoot looked right at him, and then turned and walked off campus. He trotted right into the brush of trees behind the school, where Remus followed long enough to spot a stag.

“James,” he acknowledged, “I’m gonna need an explanation.”

The stag reared onto its haunches, and then James was standing in front of him wearing all black.

“We just got back from a funeral,” he said grimly, “There have been six attacks in the two weeks since school got out. There was a vampire attack just down the street from here last night. They’re looking for you.”

“What? Why isn’t the Ministry doing anything?” Remus hissed, coming closer so he could be quieter.

“They’ve sent over thirty Aurors out. All of them are dead now. We’re losing the war.”

Padfoot sat by James’ feet, keeping its snout pointed to the ground.

“So then…what? What does this mean?” Remus whispered. It was hot, outside in June, but chills shocked his spine and made him shiver nonetheless.

“It means my parents have sent me here to retrieve you. It’s not a request, it’s an order. Greyback knows you’re enrolled here. He wants to recruit you.”

“Oh,” Remus looked at the ground, knowing full well there was no choice in this situation, “I’ll go get my things.”

They left at night, in a double-deckered purple bus. Padfoot remained a dog until they arrived back to the Potter household. Looking at him now, his hair was messy, and his funeral clothes were muddied. He continued to keep his head down.

“Boys, quickly,” Falgun ushered them in.

“Remus! Oh thank god, we were so worried about you,” Amba rushed over to hug him. Over her shoulder, Alastor Moody nodded his acknowledgement. He now wore an eyepatch over one eye.

Remus saw Sirius, in his peripheral vision, walk slowly up the stairs. He was limping. Remus had to consciously remind himself not to feel bad for him.

He sat on the couch for a long while. His eyes stayed glued on the fireplace. His brain flooded with memories of this same room that he’d rather forget.

“He’s been a wreck,” James said, sitting down next to him, “I don’t think he’s gotten a minute of sleep this entire week. He leaves as soon as he thinks I’m asleep, and he comes back late in the morning, claims he takes morning walks. I know better. He’s been keeping close tabs on Greyback, and all the werewolf attacks. He’s been a right mess about it.”

“Good,” Remus said shortly, “Let him. He’s getting no pity from me.”

“He doesn’t want your pity. He doesn’t even want you to forgive him, actually. Doesn’t think he deserves your forgiveness. He just wants you to know he’s sorry. He tells me every day that he just needs you to know how torn up he is about it. Says he’d be happy if he knew you knew he feels miserable. Cause he knows that’s what you want. For him to regret it.”

“I bet you think I’m being an asshole for not letting up,” Remus sat straighter.

“Not at all. I can’t imagine how betrayed you feel,” James said understandingly, “That doesn’t mean I’m as upset with him, though. There’s no reason for me to be. He’s so upset with himself, he doesn’t need me to tell him how stupid he was. He already knows. I was giving him the cold shoulder, and then realized he very well may get himself killed without supervision. Second to last day of school, got his world rocked by Barty and Jordan. Broke a few bones cause he didn’t feel he should fight back, he thought he deserved it. So I started keeping an eye out for him again. Someone has to.”

“Sometimes I can’t believe you’re real. You talk like you’re an old man. You’re far too wise to be sixteen years old,” Remus sighed.

“Life is short. If you hold grudges the whole time, you die alone and lonely. I have a brother now, and I know he’d forgive me no matter what I did. He’s never had a family that stood by him before. And I want to be that for him. So I haven’t forgiven him, and it’s not my place to forgive him. But I’m still there for him when he cries himself to sleep, marinating in the misery he’s made for himself. Without me, he’d just stay in it. Once he spirals, it’s hard to get him to stop.”

Silence was thick and charged, but Remus had nothing to say to that.

Moody stepped in tentatively, “Remus, a word?”

“I’m going to be straight with you, kid, because there’s no good way to say this,” said Moody, when they were alone in Falgun’s office, “Greyback is recruiting every one of the kids he turned. Every single one has said yes so far, and their attacks are becoming more and more frequent. We have good reason to believe he’s going to contact you soon. We need you tell us when he does.”

“Is that the reason Dumbledore wanted me wanted me at Hogwarts so bad? He wanted to keep track of at least one of us, huh? Am I your spy?” Remus asked plainly.

“I don’t pretend to understand Dumbledore or why he does what he does. But I would say probably not. I don’t think anyone saw this coming,” Moody replied.

There was a new guest bedroom downstairs, now that the upstairs guest room had been given to Sirius permanently. So Remus slept there, or at least tried to. His brain didn’t shut off, even when he was asleep, dreaming fitfully of the war and what it was going to bring. At one point in the early morning, he rummaged his luggage for the locket, and put it on before laying back down.

The downstairs bathroom was occupied in the morning when he went to take a shower, so he headed upstairs. Through the crack that the door had been left open, Remus witnessed James trying to detangle the mess on Sirius’ head.

“Ow! Stop pulling.”

“I’m not pulling! It’s not my fault you’ve been neglecting yourself.”

Sirius sat on a stool, and James stood behind him with a hairbrush.

“The only reason I reached out and asked is because I still can’t do it myself. Every time I start, I give up. But mum says it looks terrible and that I have to fix it.”

“Well, it does look terrible. And I’m happy to help, but you have to let me,” James said frustratedly.

“Ow, James, fuck! Be careful!”

“I give up,” James set the brush down on the counter and walked out. Sirius sighed and let his forehead fall to the counter as well. James walked right past Remus, and down the stairs.

Sirius made a strangled sort of noise, and sniffled greatly. Lifting his head, he opened a drawer and took out a pair of scissors, taking a large chunk of his hair into his free hand.

Remus grabbed his wrist, and he dropped the scissors in shock. He was shaking, too, Remus noticed as he tried to hold Sirius’ arm still. The skin under his hand was raised in uneven patches- Sirius’ forearms had been battered pretty badly, which confused Remus for a moment- Sirius hadn’t been around anyone he might end up in a fight with. Then it dawned on Remus that Sirius had done it himself. His heart leapt to his throat: what he was feeling, he couldn’t tell. He couldn’t be mad at himself for being mad in the first place, and yet being the cause of Sirius’ injuries was an idea that filled him with raging self hatred. Originally, he’d only stepped in to keep him from cutting his hair, but now he wouldn’t let himself just walk back out.

Making eye contact with Remus in the mirror, Sirius flushed deeply and put his head back down. Still respecting Remus’ request, he didn’t show his face around him. He didn’t ever look his way unless he was in his Animagus form, in fear he’d get caught staring.

Sighing as he did it, knowing he was breaking his own rules, Remus picked up the brush and worked through Sirius’ hair gently, starting at the bottom of the matted curls and working his way up. When he knew he’d have to tug with the brush, he’d hold the hair above it to keep from pulling on his scalp. Strand for strand, curl for curl, he restored it, pulling out as little hair as he could while still getting the job done.

“Lift your head,” Remus instructed, when he was getting closer to the roots. Sirius obeyed, but his eyes stayed intently focused on the sink. They were red-rimmed, his eyelashes were wet.

When he was able to brush all the way through Sirius’ hair without catching a knot, he set the the brush down and grabbed a hair tie. He began braiding from the top of the other’s head, careful to make each plait even so it would stay nice no matter how long Sirius left it in. He tied it at the bottom, noticing now just how long it was.

“Where did you learn to do that?” Sirius asked, voice raspy from lack of use. His eyes remained unmovingly focused on the sink.

“Lilly used to make me braid her hair when we hung out cause she was a little outraged when she found out I didn’t know how. And there have been a few times she got so drunk or hungover that she couldn’t do it herself.”

They made eye contact in the mirror again. Sirius held it for only a second before he had to look down again.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Remus said finally.

“It’s okay if you hate me. I understand.”

“I could never hate you. And believe me, I tried to,” Remus nearly whispered, reaching behind his own neck.

“You should hate me,” Sirius looked down again, ashamed.

“Probably,” Remus agreed, taking the locket off and placing it back around Sirius’ neck, where it belonged. His voice remained low and even: he didn’t want Sirius to think he was suddenly forgiven. Still, he had more to add.

“But I can’t. For as much as I wanted to hate you, it never happened. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still fucking furious. But frankly, I don’t know if there’s anything you could do to make me hate you. Ever. Because-”

Remus choked on his own words and sighed defeatedly, rolling his eyes at himself before he continued, “Because whether or not you deserve my heart, you’ve got it anyway.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

Chapter Text

Falgun had brought a muggle television into the living room, and he and Moody had spent a whole day charming it to work. It would flicker out every now and then, and the audio was horribly muffled, but they reached their goal of getting it to work. Mostly. They only needed the Muggle news, which is why they needed it to work in the first place. They needed to know how much of the war the Muggles were able to observe.

“I can’t take this,” Sirius went and switched the channel at breakfast, two weeks into the news being on at all hours of the day and night.

The television had one other channel that worked under the charms, and it was for kids. It pretty much only played Sesame Street and The Muppets, but the kids started leaving that channel on when the news wasn’t important. They would have just turned the television off completely, but if they did, it would stop working and they’d have to set it up all over again. They learned that the hard way.

Over the rest of the summer, a lot of people came and went for questioning and check-ins. Many kids stayed the night multiple times, if their parents worked for the Ministry, or if they were half-bloods or Muggle borns.

Remus sat in front of the tv every time his thoughts started to get bad. When he felt himself begin to spiral, he’d sit on the couch and turn the volume up. He’d watch puppets sing songs with Muggle celebrities he didn’t recognize, simply because it was distinctly happy. It was comedic, it was colourful, it was for kids. Remus spent days trying to figure out how they did some of their puppetry- it seemed impossible to do without magic. He eventually concluded that the guy who designed them all was a Wizard in secret, because there was no other explanation he could think of for a puppet riding a bike.

He’d scoffed at it, at first. When Sesame Street first came on, Remus was rolling his eyes at the jokes aimed very clearly at toddlers. He only kept his eyes on the screen because he was trying to figure out how Big Bird worked (he never figured it out). It seemed so trivial and basic to sing about numbers and flash bright colours at kids and call it educational, but the longer he sat there, the more Remus realized the education was in the emotional aspects of the show. It wasn’t about preparing kids for multiplication, it was about teaching kids how to be kind to their peers and learn how to deal with their big emotions in their tiny bodies. These puppets that had initially seemed so artificial were so inexplicably gentle with each other, when they weren’t doing slapstick comedy.

They didn’t avoid sad things, like most media aimed at kids did. There was an episode called “Elmo Is Sad” that covered the topic of death, followed by a song called “It’s Okay To Cry.” Remus wondered how different his life would be now if he had seen all this as a kid. What if, instead of being caged and told never to speak, never to cry, he’d been given an outlet? He wondered about himself, his childhood, and what it meant for his near future. He wished and wished he had been taught a fraction of these encouraging things as a kid, no matter how illogical and unhelpful he knew wishing to be.

In mid July, he sat on the floor, crying silently as he realized the creator of all this had died upward of five years ago. A special was being replayed, “The Muppets Celebrate Jim Henson.” The audience was crying. The puppets were crying. The people moving and voicing the puppets were crying. The notion of death and the permanence of it weighed heavily on Remus.

He realized in an instant, as the special ended, that he was completely alone. He had shunned all of his friends and he sat on the floor, by himself, as the consequence. His friends weren’t dead, he had all the time in the world to enjoy their company and be grateful for them, but instead, he was choosing to isolate himself.

He got up right away. He grabbed parchment and a quill from his bags, and he sat down until sunrise writing letters. He wrote to Mary, Marlene, Lilly, Peter, even Christopher and Professor Ferox. And when he was done, he sat back down in front of the TV. He fell asleep on the couch.

He would stay there every single day, late into the night and early into the morning. In late August, Sirius seemed to have the same idea, and looked a little put off when Remus was already there. They still weren’t necessarily on good terms; they spoke to each other once a day at most. And even then, it was never about anything personal. They only talked if they had to.

“Sorry,” Sirius whispered, and began to turn away. Remus grabbed his hand and tugged a little.

“You’ll enjoy this episode, it’s a rerun. I’ve seen it before,” he said. Sirius looked apprehensive at best, but he sat down beside Remus, leaving considerable room between them.

Remus patted the cushion directly next to him. Sirius inched minutely closer. Remus patted it again, indicating right here.

“Are you sure?”

“James said there was no point in being mad at you, because you were mad enough at yourself, and trying to make you feel worse was making both of us miserable. I don’t need to be angry anymore. I’ve been angry for months. Hell, I’ve been angry my whole life. James was right. McGonagall was right. She said nothing happened, and really, nothing did. Severus saw me, so what? He’s been sworn to secrecy. He’s not hurt, I’m not hurt, and I know you’d never do that to me again. And you wouldn’t have done it in the first place if you knew how badly it could have turned out. I don’t forgive you, but there’s no point in staying upset. I’m going to have to face Greyback soon, and possibly start fighting in actual battles. If I die soon, I don’t want to go out with unresolved grudges and unfinished business. I want to die knowing I finally have friends. And you’re one of them. James said life is short, and maybe it’s even shorter for us. I’m not going to spend the rest of mine missing you simply because I won’t let myself stop worrying,” Remus said. He’d had the whole summer to reflect, and sort through all those old thoughts that felt overwhelming when they first came to him. He was feeling much older now, and much more tired. Too tired to bear hatred for loved ones.

Sirius deeply considered all of this.

“You missed me?”

“So, so much,” Remus nodded slowly. In the dim shine of the television, Remus could see that Sirius’ face was wet as he scooted finally closer.

He rested his head on Remus’ shoulder, and Remus worked a hand through his hair that Sirius had mustered the energy to keep detangled.

“I don’t ever want to go that long without you again,” Sirius said quietly, “I want you in my life. And I want you to want me in your life. That was the last time I hurt you.”

“Okay,” Remus nodded, “Thank you, Padfoot.”

“I love you,” Sirius whispered, “You don’t have to say it back. But I need you to know.”

“I know,” Remus whispered back, holding the other a little tighter.

This was how it was meant to be, he could feel it. The notion of a lone wolf was bullshit. Wolves travel, sleep, and hunt in packs. Remus without his pack was nothing. He wasn’t happy alone, and never had been.

Eventually, Sirius became less rigid; he wrapped his arms around Remus and actually got comfortable, settling into Remus’ side and letting himself relax a little.

On the TV, a puppet frog sat in a swamp, playing the banjo.

Someday, we’ll find it; the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Chapter Text

James got Gryffindor Prefect that year, to everyone’s surprise. He transfigured his pin immediately to tin rather than silver, and wore it happily to the sorting ceremony.

The train ride, ceremony, and feast were even more dull than last year. There wasn’t a single person in the room who wasn’t aware of what danger they were in. There was a lot of dessert left on the table when the kids were sent to their dorms.

James taught all of the Gryffindor first years how to get into the common room, and helped them find their roommates before leaving to do some hall monitoring and help any stragglers.

“Potter the Prefect. Tell me, how the fuck did that happen?”

James turned around and found himself locking eyes with Regulus Black.

“Contrary to popular belief, I’m actually a decent person with morals,” James squinted, “But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

“Oh please, suddenly I’m the worst person in the world for being a little mean sometimes? It’s not a crime to have opinions,” Regulus drawled.

“No, but it is a crime to use unforgivable curses, like the ones you left on my brother,” James snapped.

“Your brother?” Regulus laughed, “Last I checked, you’re not his twin, I am.”

“Last I checked, you sat back and watched your parents kill him. He died. His heart stopped beating. Remus brought him back from the dead. Did you know that?” James shouted. Regulus’ expression fell flat.

“No, of course you didn’t. Why would you? You don’t give a fuck about him, you never check in, you never write. He could have stayed dead, and you wouldn’t know. What’s his favourite song?” James asked accusingly.

“I don’t know,” Regulus almost whispered.

“What’s his favourite colour, favourite animal?” James pressed.

“I don’t know,” Regulus mumbled.

“What’s his favourite musical? What does he want to be when he grows up?”

“I don’t know,” Regulus hissed under his breath.

“Speak up!” James yelled.

“I don’t know!” Regulus shouted.

“No you don’t! I do! I have to listen to ‘Seven’ by Prince on repeat because he found out how to magically rewind records. I know he doesn’t have a favourite colour, because he can’t choose between red and purple. I know he thinks his Alebrije is going to be a dog. I know his favourite musical is West Side Story, I memorized it so he’d have someone to sing and dance to it with. I know he wants a family, I know he’s the best in our year in Transfigurations, I know he fidgets with his necklace when he’s nervous, I know he can’t hold eye contact when he’s lying, I watched him die on my fucking floor because you let him! You’re not his brother, and you never were. You look like him, you share his birthday, but I was there for him when you let him down. I talk him down from nightmares and panic attacks, I wipe his tears when he cries, I am his brother, and you’re a fucking coward and a loser. You’re a quitter, you’re a fake, you’re a gullible, miserable excuse of a person,” James ranted, feeling winded when he was done.

“Fuck you,” Regulus spat belatedly.

“Curse at me all you’d like. It won’t make you his brother again. You’re never getting him back. If you even wanted that, you should have thought of it sooner,” James said, taking deep breaths to calm himself.

When he arrived back to his dorm, he wrapped Sirius in a hug without warning.

“What is this for?” Sirius asked, tentatively hugging back.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Prongs. Is everything okay?” he frowned a little.

“Yes. Very,” James sighed.

That didn’t end up being his only unpleasant encounter that day. So far, the first day of being a Prefect was turning out to be exhausting.

“I know Sirius was the one that put Severus up to that willow tree business. I was there when he said it. Severus won’t tell me anything, which means he has to have been sworn to secrecy, which means you’re hiding something big, and I’m going to find out what,” Mulciber said from behind him, “And if I don’t figure it out soon, I’m going to drop every small secret of yours until you tell me. And I wouldn’t test my abilities to be sneaky, if I were you. So I suggest you and your friends watch your backs.”

“Just one more,” Sirius pleaded.

“No, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve given you two piercings on each ear, that’s all I can do,” Remus smiled, “I’m shocked the ones I gave you never got infected.”

“Fiiiine,” Sirius whined. That weekend, instead of going to Hosgmeade, he went to a tattoo and piercing shop. He came back with industrial piercings on his left ear, and when he wore a crop top the next evening after classes, Remus’ eyes were drawn to a belly button piercing.

He never realized, when Sirius went through rough patches in life, how much he missed his smile until it came back. Watching Sirius come back to himself was like watching a flower bloom.

“What are you gonna be for Halloween?” he asked during Charms.

“No idea.”

“Great. I’ve got a costume for you,” Sirius grinned, “Prongs and I have made some arrangements.”

“I can’t believe this,” Remus groaned at his reflection, “Why? Why did I trust you with this?”

He was wearing a white turtleneck under a green, blue, and orange vertically striped long sleeve shirt. With green slacks and blue shoes, Sirius had dressed him up as Bert from Sesame Street.

“Because you’re proving your resemblance to him just by asking,” he could hear Sirius’ grin through the door, “Let me see!”

Remus stepped out of the bathroom regretfully. He never sighed louder than he did when he saw Sirius in his red and blue horizontally striped shirt over a yellow turtleneck. Of course, he was dressed as Ernie. From Sesame Street.

He was grinning from ear to ear, shaking with barely contained laughter.

“You did not,” Remus groaned.

“I totally did. And people are already arriving, so you’ve got no time to change. Let’s go,” Sirius said, pulling Remus along by the arm.

“Aren’t there rumors that they’re queer for each other? People are going to think this is a couples costume.”

“Men’s eyes were made to look, and let them gaze,” Sirius replied simply.

“You’re quoting something and I don’t know what,” Remus complained, allowing Sirius to drag him fully into the light of the common room.

James was having the time of his life in a blonde wig, pink dress, feather boa, and high heels. Remus was confused until Lilly came in dressed in all green, with a frog hat.

“They’re…that’s supposed to be Piggy and Kermit?” he laughed a little, “They look ridiculous.”

“Yeah, cause we look way better,” Sirius snorted.

“Bert and Ernie!” Mary greeted loudly. She and Marlene were very clearly supposed to be Beaker and Benson Honeydew.

“Did you get all of our friends to be Muppets?” Remus scanned the room and saw Peter as Rizzo, and Christopher as Scooter.

“Yeah, pretty much everyone came over to our house at some point over the summer, so they all watched it at one point. What do you think?” Sirius bit his lip.

“I think this is fucking hilarious,” Remus laughed, which got louder when he watched James trot around in his heels exactly like Miss Piggy did on the show, wig bouncing with every step.

Remus was still hungover the next morning when McGonagall pulled him aside at breakfast.

“Remus, I’m going to be blunt. Dumbledore sent me to tell you that you are no longer permitted at Hogsmeade for your own safety. There was a werewolf attack there last night. We don’t know what’s going to happen when they find you, but we’re holding it off as long as we can. Do you understand?” she whispered.

“Yes, professor,” he nodded slowly, “I don’t go to Hogsmeade often anyway.”

“Good,” she frowned a little, “I’m sorry. I wish we didn’t have to do this.”

“It’s okay. Thank you,” he nodded again, and walked back to his table.

“Come over,” Sirius beckoned, on November 3rd, “Andromeda sent me another record, wanna listen with me?”

“Sure,” Remus walked over and joined him, taking the earbud offered to him. They were supposed to go to Hogsmeade, but upon learning Remus wasn’t allowed, Sirius happily changed plans. They were going to skip class and spend the day doing whatever they wanted.

“Ugh, please stop smoking when you’re around me. You smell like my mum,” Sirius said immediately, as Remus laid down next to him.

“Oh my god, that’s why you hate it? I totally forgot you ever said that,” Remus facepalmed, “Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. I’ve been looking for a reason to quit, anyway. James showed me some…frankly kind of scary research about it recently. So. I’ll stop.”

“Wow. That was easy,” Sirius looked surprised, “I was totally expecting you to put up a fight.”

“No. Honestly, I’m running out anyway, and my usual supplier moved away from Saint Edmunds, so I don’t think I could keep smoking even if I wanted to. I’ve no idea where to get them here,” Remus admitted, “Hold on.”

He got up and changed his jumper, and then tossed his remaining cigarettes in the trash bin while he knew Sirius was looking. Then he laid back down, putting the earbud back in, “Let’s start over.”

“Okay. Tell me a secret,” Sirius said, propping his head up on his hand.

“You go first,” Remus replied.

“Fine. James says Mulciber says he’s going to figure out what we’re hiding, referencing you being a werewolf. Cause obviously he knows something happened to Snape, but also obviously Snape can’t tell. So apparently Mulciber says he’s going to like…expose our small, personal secrets until we tell him, but I don’t know what he thinks he’s going to find. Anyway. That’s mine. Your turn.”

“Okay. Pomfrey told me they’re planning on doing the Yule Ball this year,” Remus grinned, “I was going to keep it a secret, but it’s your birthday, so…”

“Shut up, you’re lying,” Sirius sat up completely, hair falling around his face as he looked down, “You’re lying!”

“No, I swear! I saw the papers on her desk and everything,” he pushed Sirius back down playfully, “Calm down, though, it’s not until the weekend before winter break.”

“Will you go with me?” Sirius asked, eyes wide.

“You don’t want to ask whichever girl you’re seeing in a month?” Remus replied incredulously.

“No, the Yule Ball is way more important than some trip to Hogsmeade or something. None of my relationships last, but you’re always there. Even when you’re not. I did something unforgivable and you took me back anyway. I want to go with someone I’m always gonna know. I can always look back and think of how fun it was instead of how nasty the breakup ended up being. You’re my forever person,” Sirius smiled, “So will you go with me?”

“Sure,” Remus smiled, completely giddy, “Maybe you’re my forever person, too.”

“Pinky swear?”

“Pinky swear.”

There was another werewolf attack on November 5th.

“I think they should lock them all up for good,” Mary huffed, “They’re doing a lot of bad right now.”

“There’s a lot of Slytherins going around doing bad things right now, should we lock all of them up?” Lilly frowned.

“Well I guess not…”

“Werewolves are people three hundred and fifty three days of the year. It’s not fair to blame everything on the wolf part of them. If they’re bad people, it’s because they make bad decisions and they’d be bad people no matter what,” Lilly said defensively. She glanced briefly to Remus, who blushed. Of course she knew, he thought, Severus would have told her right away, before swearing to secrecy. Severus would do anything to keep Lilly away from them all.

They were having a snowball fight when news of the Yule Ball happening again was officially announced.

James looked straight to Lilly, who smiled and pelted him with a snowball.

“Yes, I’ll go with you,” she answered the silent question. James tossed his hands up and jumped for joy.

There was something distinctly different about Sirius, ever since he and Remus had made up again. He was happier than Remus had ever seen him, and not in the way that usually made Remus worry that he might be manic. He was just smiling more often, joking again, and even singing to himself when he thought Remus couldn’t hear him. Over and over again, Remus caught him humming ‘I Feel Pretty’ from West Side Story.

He moved with grace, he answered questions aloud during class, and he started participating in group activities again. He was sleeping through the nights and waking up on time in the mornings, never missing Quidditch practice and turning in most of his homework on time.

“Who are you going to ask to the Yule Ball?” James was bouncing on his heels, messing around with his hair trying to decide in advance how he wanted to wear it.

“I’ve already been asked,” Remus watched him through the open bathroom door, “Sirius asked me awhile ago. I said yes.”

James’ eyebrows shot to his hairline and he turned to face Remus so fast that all the hairpins he had just put in place fell out.

“Not like that,” Remus laughed, blushing a little. He had yet to tell James about his little crush on Sirius. He knew it was probably quite obvious, but then again, James could be quite oblivious sometimes.

“Okay, okay,” James nodded slowly, “He and I are going shopping this weekend for what we’re going to wear. Actually, everyone is- Peter, Lilly, and pretty much everyone else we know. Give me your measurements, I’ll get you something based on whatever Sirius picks.”

“You’d do that?” Remus sat up quickly. Being honest with himself, he’d been a bit worried about what to wear and how much it would cost.

“Sure! And I’ll get Lilly to help me, because you know I’m shit at fashion and trends,” James agreed.

“Great. I’m going to rummage through the common room supply drawers and see if there’s any tape measures.”

The following Monday, James handed Remus a pressed beige-gold suit, with a satin red tie and matching pocket square. With it all was a white shirt, nicer than any clothes Remus had owned in his life.

“You’re sure about this?” he frowned.

“So sure,” James nodded excitedly.

Chapter Text

The Yule Ball was held in its own building, just a little ways past Hogsmeade. Apparently it was a convention centre that wasn’t often used for much else. The outside looked old, expensive, and relatively boring. It was huge, with large porches, giant stone steps leading up to it, balconies on higher stories, and a garden out back.

The building was white, even brighter on the inside. There were massive white arches with icicles hanging from them, and intricate ice sculptures placed about carefully. On the stage behind the band was a giant yule tree, with lights strung on it, and from it. Small, white and blue lights gave the room a soft glow, accentuating everyone’s shiny, sparkly formal attire. James had cleaned up especially nice in a royal blue suit and purple bowtie.

“I look stupid,” Remus mumbled, running a hand through his hair again.

“Respectfully, you look like you should be a model. Like. You look hot, mate,” James said encouragingly, “Also, Sirius contacted me with the mirror a few minutes ago. Lilly did his hair, and they’re both on the way.”

Remus nodded and smoothed down his jacket again. His heart was racing so fast that he had to count the beats of his breath and remind himself that this was not a date.

He walked quickly to the nearest snack table, pouring himself some iced tea and downing it. His mouth was dry, his hands were a little shaky, and he found his eyes glued to the door, waiting for only one person.

Five minutes later, Lilly walked in. She had a floor length, slim purple dress that laced up in the back. Her hair was up in what was called a messy bun, but every strand was meticulously placed. The scrunchie was blue. For the first time Remus had ever seen, she was wearing a little bit of makeup. She looked absolutely stunning. James looked like he might faint.

When she reached him, he took her hand and kissed it, bowing.

“I wasn’t aware I was dating royalty,” he wiggled his eyebrows a little. She laughed, “You two both look incredible. Remus wearing anything but grandpa clothes or a uniform is a good sight indeed.”

“Right?” James laughed.

“You look amazing, James,” she replied, “Let’s walk around a little. This place is huge.”

“Anything you want,” he replied happily, offering his arm for her to hold as they walked off.

Remus had been so distracted, he missed Sirius’ entrance, but he spotted him walking down the stairs immediately. In Remus’ suit with swapped colours, red fabric shined with every move he made. His hair was in a much neater bun, with two loose curls left down to frame his face. The moment Sirius spotted him, he smiled and maneuvered through the crowd to get to him as soon as possible.

“Holy hell, Padfoot, you look-”

“Silly?”

“Magnificent.”

“You’re too kind,” Sirius waved him off, but he was blushing, “You don’t look too bad, yourself. And by that I mean any girl in this room is mad if she doesn’t try to take you home tonight.”

“Oh, do shut up,” Remus snorted, “Come on, we’re going dancing.”

They got many weird looks. Every other pair on the dance floor were boy-girl partnered. This wasn’t a date though, they were going as friends, and so Remus didn’t feel weird about it at all. People could think they were stupid, silly, making fools of themselves, or whatever it else people thought of them. Dancing with Sirius was fun. That’s what mattered.

“Hey,” Remus took Sirius’ hand as the music slowed down, “You’re thinking. There’s practically smoke coming out of your ears, with all those gears turning in your head. Now is not the time for that. Overthink later.”

“People are staring,” Sirius allowed Remus to pull him closer, but he was still looking over his shoulder, distracted.

“Since when have you cared?” Remus huffed, “We’re friends and we’re dancing. Big deal. Men’s eyes were made to look, and let them gaze. Isn’t that what you always say? From Romeo and Juliet?”

“I guess so,” Sirius looked at their shoes, which was minutely better than worriedly scanning everyone’s expressions.

“You know me. Overthinker of the year. Every year. No hobbies because all I do is walk around and think. I read and think. I draw and think. I study and think. And I’m saying I think you are thinking too much,” Remus put a hand on his friend’s hip and guided him into a waltz, smiling reassuringly, “Have fun with me. You’ve wanted to go to this silly dance for six years now. Enjoy it.”

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded a little, finally looking up, “Yeah, alright. You’re right.”

“I know,” Remus teased, “I fully expect you to start headbanging when they go back to playing rock songs after this.”

“Well, if you insist, I guess I could if you really wanted me to,” Sirius feigned reluctance, the slightest upward quirk on his lips.

The classic rock music did not come back on after the slow dances. In fact, there were so many genres in the mix, only a few songs of each flavour were played. When an old swing song came on, Sirius gasped and grabbed Remus’ hands.

“I learned swing in all those years of stupid partner dancing classes, it was the only fun thing we ever did,” Sirius began to guide Remus in a much more upbeat pattern, showing him how and when to kick his legs, “You’re going to learn.”

“Do I even have a choice?” Remus laughed, mirroring Sirius as he jumped and slid about.

“Nope,” Sirius grabbed his hand and dipped under his arm, “Think you can lift me?”

“Well, I guess we’ll find out,” Remus was smiling in a way that made his face hurt. He was satisfied to see Sirius in much the same condition.

“God, Remus, if no girls try to take you home tonight, I might have to,” Sirius said, giving him an over-the-top up and down look as they stepped aside to get some drinks. They were out of breath, holding the jackets they had shed. Several strands had fallen loose from Sirius’ hair, and Remus thought it looked better that way.

“You don’t have a choice about taking me home with you,” Remus deadpanned, “We share a dorm.”

“We could share a bed, if you wanted,” Sirius wiggled his eyebrows dramatically.

“I hope you know you’re an idiot,” Remus pushed him lightly, laughing.

“What? I’m being nice. I could say that you need to stop dressing like a hipster or a hobo, and that nice clothes suit you way better, but I’m not. I’m just saying, the suit was a good pick for you,” Sirius smiled innocently.

“I’m beginning to feel made fun of,” Remus tried to pout, but he couldn’t stop smiling. Sirius was joking; that much was clear. But was it normal for straight guys to joke about taking their best friend home? James had, just earlier, but James was admittedly probably not straight, and also madly in love with a girl.

“Mmm, if you don’t like being made fun of, you’re in the wrong company,” Sirius smirked a little.

“You’re right. I’m out,” Remus played along, and then, “Really though, I’m gonna step aside and use the loo. I’ll be right back.”

When he returned, he was smiling.

“What’s so funny?” Sirius asked.

“Nothing, nothing. Hey, do you wanna step outside? It’s getting a little stuffy in here.”

“Yeah, sure,” Sirius took his hand and lead him out back to the garden. Because the party was only a couple hours in, the garden was empty. The music was muted, but could still be heard.

“Are you enjoying yourself, Sirius?”

“Yeah, of course! Why?” Sirius quirked an eyebrow, “Are you?”

“Yeah, yeah. I mean…ugh, it’s nothing.”

“What? It’s not like you to bait me like this, tell me what’s on your mind,” Sirius frowned a little.

“Well, I just…I was sort of wondering what this was. Is it…is this a date?”

Sirius swore his heart stopped. Was this it? Was this The Moment?

“Why do you ask that?” he said instead of answering, swallowing hard.

“Because,” the other stopped walking, “I want it to be a date. And I need to know if you’re on the same page.”

“You-” Sirius exhaled shakily, “You’re…queer? And you’re asking…me? On a date? Right now?”

“Yes, do keep up,” he laughed a little, teasing, “I’d love it if you said yes.”

“Yes,” Sirius felt himself smiling, breathing quickly, “Yes. I can’t- this doesn’t even feel real, I can’t believe this.”

“Believe it,” the other stepped closer and closer until they were inches apart.

Inside the building, Remus had just returned from the loo back to the snack table.

“Sorry, Sirius, there was a long line and- Sirius? Hello?”

“So you’re really asking me out? You…fancy me?” Sirius blinked profusely.

“Yeah, do you fancy me?”

“I really do,” Sirius leaned in, and then stopped abruptly.

“What’s the matter?” the other whispered.

“I fancy Remus,” Sirius admitted, and then took a step back, “But you’re not Remus.”

The other rolled his eyes and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Clever boy. What gave it away?”

“Your breath smells like smoke. Remus threw out all his cigarettes just a couple weeks ago,” Sirius was shaking, suddenly, head reeling from the emotional whiplash.

“Well damn, that really does create some issues for me, doesn’t it? Though I suppose it doesn’t matter. I said I’d find all your little secrets, and I’ve just added one to the collection,” the other smirked, and it looked completely wrong on Remus’ face.

“Mulciber?” Sirius whispered, taking another few steps back as the other advanced.

“Ding ding ding ding ding! Right again. Now tell me, Sirius, did your family know you’re a pansy? Is that why they kicked you out?”

“No, I’m- I’m not!” Sirius took another step back and the back of his leg hit something short and solid. He fell backward into a shallow fountain.

“Nice try, but you just admitted it to my face. Queer and in love with your freak of a best friend? I almost feel sorry for you.”

“Stop it,” Sirius demanded, trying to get up. Mulciber kicked him back down. Whatever spell or potion he had used was beginning to wear off. His features looked like they were melting.

“Sirius?”

Mulciber turned around to see Remus having just come out the back doors, looking for the person he had meant to return to much earlier.

“Remus! Good to see you, buddy, we were just talking about you!” Mulciber greeted with feign excitement.

“Don’t listen to him!” Sirius scrambled out of the fountain and to his feet. Mulciber shoved him right back in.

“Just what the fresh hell is happening here?” Remus began to walk much quicker.

“I slipped a potion to look like one of his closest friends and maybe get a secret or two. Worked like a charm, except it wasn’t a charm, it was a potion, like I said. So my job is done then, I’ll be off! Enjoy your date, you two,” Mulciber said, now fully back to his regular body and face, walking off with his chin up.

“What did he say to you?” Remus hissed as they passed each other.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” Mulciber grinned, and disappeared back into the building.

“What was that?” Remus asked as he finally got to Sirius, “God, are you okay?”

He hauled Sirius out of the fountain. Shivering and mortified, Sirius couldn’t catch his breath.

“Hey, breathe. What happened? Are you alright, should I go get somebody?” Remus was taking Sirius’ jacket off for him, replacing it with his own, dry one.

Sirius blinked back tears with ferocity, sniffling and wracking in choppy breaths. He didn’t even get to say anything. A sob escaped him instead, and he just shook his head.

“Sirius, you’re scaring me.”

Sirius’ ears were ringing. All he could think was he’s gonna tell. He’s gonna tell. He’s gonna tell.

Apparently he had taken off running. Next thing he knew, he was pushing out the front doors, running all the way through Hogsmeade back to the castle. He ran so fast up the flights of stairs that he skipped several steps at a time. He tore through the halls and the common room, not slowing for a moment until he slammed the door to the dorm shut. He slid down the wall, face in his hands, and cried as loudly as his chest seemed to demand. Angrily, he undid his tie and threw it down, kicking his shoes off and letting Remus’ jacket fall off his shoulders. He tossed it onto Remus’ bed, and then collapsed onto his own.

He’d spent years trying to figure it all out. James was the only person that knew. He hadn’t even been able to admit it to himself until last year, and he was still coming to terms with it to this day. And still somehow, Mulciber tore it right out of him to share it with whomever he pleased. But worse than that, he had given Sirius false hope. He toyed with him for the fun of it.

The door to the dorm flew open and shut several minutes later.

“Sirius! Jesus, you run fast, for someone so short,” Remus was out of breath, but still stumbled to Sirius’ bed, “Padfoot, what happened?”

He toed his shoes off and climbed to sit on the bed next to him. He pulled Sirius up into his arms, allowing his friend to sob onto his nice dress shirt.

“You’re still soaking wet, why haven’t you changed? Are you in danger?”

“Yes, he’s gonna tell everyone,” Sirius gripped Remus tightly, “He’s going to tell Severus, and- and-”

“What, Padfoot? He’s going to tell Severus what?”

“It was a fucking secret! I didn’t want to tell anyone! Not even you, but he- he-” Sirius sobbed again, “I hardly even knew! And now he’s in on it!”

“In on what? Stardust, please,” Remus reached back into Sirius’ dresser to pull out a dry shirt that he began drying Sirius’ hair with.

“Remus-” Sirius was choking on his own tears, “I don’t think you- I know you’re not going to like it. You’ve already said so.”

“I say stupid shit all the time. Nothing you did or said that I don’t know about can be worse than what happened last year,” Remus said quickly, “I’d never pressure you to tell me a secret, but I’m afraid he’ll tell me anyway, and then I won’t even get to hear it from you first.”

“Fuck! Fuck, you’re right,” Sirius scrubbed hard at his face, feeling completely helpless. He was choosing between two evils, and Remus was right. Though still awful, it was better Remus hear it from him first.

Remus took both of his hands in his own, “Nothing in the whole world can make me hate you. And I’ve already seen you at your worst. Whatever it is, it’s nothing we can’t handle together.”

Sometimes, in times like this, Remus would ask himself what James would say. It always worked.

“You’re right, you’re right,” Sirius repeated, trying to catch his breath enough to speak properly, “Remus, this is big news, and I know you’re not going to like it, and I’m sorry. It’s about…who I am. As a person.”

“Never apologize for who you are,” Remus said firmly, “Dumbledore told me when I was eleven years old that you should never feel like a burden for things out of your control. My opinion doesn’t mean shit. Even if I don’t like it, it’s part of you, and I like you. And you should like you.”

Sirius broke down in sobs again, “I can’t. I can’t say it. I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Remus hugged him again, “If anyone’s sorry, it’s me. I shouldn’t have left you. I’m sorry this is happening. He probably won’t even tell anyone, he just wants blackmail. The upper hand. You can tell me on your own time, Padfoot. I’m sorry.”

Sirius woke up late the next morning, exhausted. His eyes were stinging, his hair was still up. He got up slowly, finally changing out of his still-damp party clothes into his class uniform. Peter was still asleep, but Remus and James’ beds were empty.

Squinting, he slipped out of the dorm to get breakfast. Up the stairs, James came sprinting toward him.

“Heeeeeyyyyy, Padfoot! How about you go back in the dorm and I bring you breakfast in bed? Heard you had a rough night, you should keep resting,” James was already pushing him back toward the door.

“What?” Sirius, still waking up, batted James’ hands away weakly.

“Nothing, just- I think you should stay in the dorm a little while longer,” James continued pushing. Downstairs, the common room door slammed open.

“It’s the whole fucking castle! Even the map knows something’s wrong,” Remus said frantically, and then stopped in his tracks with wide eyes, “Oh, hi, Sirius!”

“What’s going on?” Sirius looked between them, frowning.

“Nothing, nothing, nothing,” Remus rushed back out, “Ignore me.”

“James, answers. Now,” Sirius was suddenly much more awake.

“I- I really don’t think-”

“For fuck’s sake,” Sirius pushed past him, down the stairs and out of the common room.

The first thing he noticed was all the disgusted and pitying looks he was getting. He was used to attention, but this was different. The next thing he noticed were the whispers that followed him like a trail. When he looked above the heads of the people he was weaving through, he saw it.

Every third portrait on the walls had been covered. Instead of the paintings everyone was used to, they were painted with hateful words that all lead to the same message: Sirius Black is gay.

He began to speed walk, skimming his eyes over every portrait that had been changed. They weren’t targeted at anyone else. They were all about him, and they were all the same sentence in different words. Many of them had different pictures of him with the words painted over his them.

Fairy, with a drawn depiction of torn wings.

Queen, with a little crown scribbled over his head.

Pansy, written at least four times over his face.

Nancy boy, a picture of him last Halloween, dressed as Snow White.

Queer, a picture of him covered in rainbows on Holi.

Poof, with poorly drawn pygmy puffs around him.

Pillow biter, in all caps.

Fruit, with tons of arrows pointing to the same person.

Slag, written across his eyes.

Faggot, written in thick, red letters over a picture of him and Remus slow dancing at the Yule Ball.

At this point, he was running. It just kept going. He ran straight into Regulus.

He looked at him, tearing up, for any kind of reassurance.

Instead, Regulus kept his expression neutral, and said, “Just when I thought you couldn’t get more disappointing. Fucking chichifo.”

The tears spilled. Sirius had never been so angry in his life. His fists clenched and unclenched. His heart hammered so hard it made him feel faint.

“I’d take being a so-called chichifo over being you any day,” Sirius hissed. He spun on his heel to run back to the common room, but found himself cornered by Mulciber. Snape stood behind him, resembling a child brought unwillingly to a family gathering.

“Finally getting the attention you always wanted, Sirius?” Mulciber smiled. It took five seconds for Sirius to get him on the ground and start swinging. It was reckless, but it felt good. Mulciber, much larger, grappled at him, but didn’t manage to stop him. Severus stood and watched.

Whether the people had already been there before, or they gathered for the fight, Sirius wasn’t sure, and he didn’t care anymore. There was a crack beside them, and then Dumbledore was gently but firmly grabbing Sirius by the arms and hauling him to his feet, off of Mulciber.

“Please cease,” he said calmly, keeping hold of Sirius’ arms until he stopped wriggling, completely out of breath.

“You’re quite lucky no one has ever done this before, mister Mulciber, because it means there’s no grounds in the rulebooks for me to expel you. But you are, as they say, on very thin ice. This act of pure malice is nothing short of a hate crime. Your consequences will be decided later, after I take this up with the entire staff,” Dumbledore said firmly, voice filling the entire corridor of now silent students, “And if anyone else holds this level of hatred for the LGBT community, you may either seek therapy or leave this school. After all, you’d most likely be off put to learn that the man who runs this school is, as you so kindly put it-”

He looked at the nearest covered portrait, “A ‘fucking queer.’ “

Remus and James finally made it to the front of the crowd with huge eyes and quickly rising and falling chests. Mulciber, who hadn’t dared get off the ground, was pale as a ghost where he wasn’t bleeding, and he looked absolutely mortified.

“It’s often ignorant people who think they needn’t worry about consequences. You’re here for a reason, lad. I suggest you get an education,” Dumbledore said finally, “I’ll be leaving now to meet with my staff. Classes are postponed until tomorrow. I expect you’re able to clean up your own mess.”

He let Sirius go completely, giving him a small smile.

“I’m quite sorry, my dear boy. For once, I believe I know how you may be feeling right now. My office is always open to you,” he whispered, and disapparated.

In silence, Severus helped Mulciber up off the floor. As soon as he was on his feet, Remus grabbed him by the front of the shirt and punched him so hard in the nose, he heard a crack.

“Ever wonder who gave Severus his own personal storm in first year?” he asked, loud enough for everyone around them to hear, “Get out now or feel my fucking wrath.”

“And if you say a single fucking word to my brother again,” James pointed at Regulus, “You’re facing expulsion for breaking your restraining order.”

The halls cleared quickly after that. Sirius didn’t dare eye contact with anyone as he took off for his dorm again.

“Go with him,” James told Remus, “I’m gonna start tearing these stupid posters down.”

“Sirius?” Remus re-entered the dorm, noting that Peter was gone.

“Go away.”

Remus tried to open Sirius’ bed curtains. They were charmed shut.

“What the hell was that? Why were they saying all that about you? Is this about last night?” Remus pressed, “He’s just making shit up, right?”

“Remus, I’m gay. Queer. Bent. All of it, every word you read,” he blurted finally. He knew that he had to rip the bandaid off now, lest he bury himself deep in another lie.

“What?” Remus’ expression morphed from concern to muted shock, “That…can’t be right, what about Mary? What about that spree of girls you went out with forever ago?”

“I thought I hadn’t met the right girl yet, so I tried and tried and tried to meet the right girl and it never happened. I didn’t realize until I was dating Mary again that it would never happen,” Sirius said bitterly. He couldn’t believe he was having this conversation here, now.

“Well…fuck! I can’t believe he’d- but what about all that homophobic shit you said after you saw me with Lucas?” Remus continued.

“I was trying to throw you off my trail, Remus, use your brain! Why did you say all that homophobic shit?” Sirius replied through the curtains.

“Because I thought I was throwing you off my trail! I’d been seeing Lucas for months, I was so fucking embarassed you had caught me,” Remus rambled.

“Caught you?!” Sirius pulled back the curtain right away, “Caught you?!”

“Yes, Sirius, I’m bent. Straight as your hair. I’ve known for a couple years now, ask James,” Remus said earnestly, “I’m not upset with you, if that’s what you thought was going to happen. I’m actually a bit thrilled, in a selfish sort of way. I thought I was alone. I thought you might react poorly when you found out about me.”

“You’re- You! You are…No you’re not,” Sirius rubbed his eyes, wondering if he was still asleep and this was a dream. The events of the morning sure had been wild enough to be such.

“I am. Never had a girlfriend, never wanted one, always watched you guys go on your dates while I stayed here. There’s a reason for that,” Remus said. He tried to smile.

“Fuck. I need a minute,” Sirius said blankly.

“Take all the time you need,” Remus said, “I’m gonna go help James take the posters down.”

Chapter Text

James tore posters down as fast as he could. He’d charmed a garbage bag to be bigger on the inside, and still it was stuffed to the brim. Several corridors in, he ran into someone else doing the same.

“Hey,” James said, “Thanks.”

“ ‘Course. He didn’t deserve this,” the other said gruffly.

“Do we know you?” James asked, “I don’t recall seeing you before.”

“I keep my head down. Got expelled a little while back, I work here now as a groundskeeper. Name’s Rubeus. I’ve seen you lot around, talked to Remus Lupin a few times. You like trouble, but you’re good kids. I’m real sorry this happened,” Rubeus sighed, taking a few higher up posters down and crumbling them in his giant fist before shoving them in his bag.

“Thanks,” James said, “If Remus likes you, I like you. And I really appreciate that you’re helping with this. All five buildings are covered in them, me and Remus would be at it for weeks if we did it alone.”

“I’m not gonna stop till this is done. Nothing else on my schedule is this important. Never in my years have I seen a student be this terrible just for the hell of it. Sometimes students are terrible because they think they have reason, but this is just…mean,” Rubeus tore three more down in one go.

“Well it’s great to officially meet you, Rubeus, I’m really glad the campus has you at times like this. If you already finished the other side of this hall, I think I’m gonna head the other way,” James waved.

“Bye, mister Potter. See ya around, maybe,” Rubeus waved back.

Remus tore down posters as fast as he could. He didn’t leave a single piece of tape or a scrap of ripped paper behind. He ran into Peter, doing the same.

“Is it true?” Peter asked.

“I think that’s for him to tell you,” Remus replied shortly.

“So yes, then,” Peter concluded, “That’s too bad.”

“Why?” Remus snapped.

“Well, he always talked about having a wife and kids. I feel like this kind of puts a wrench in the only thing he ever talked about doing when he grew up. And any girl in this school would have said yes if he asked her out. It’s just too bad he doesn’t get to really have that,” Peter said, “I can’t say I get it all the way, but then again, I don’t think I’d understand him if he was normal.”

“Straight,” Remus corrected, “Being gay is normal. What you meant to say was ‘straight.’ “

“Right,” Peter frowned, “Either way. He’s a difficult guy to understand, so this is just another aspect of him I’m never going to get.”

“I’m gay, too,” Remus said plainly.

“No, really?” Peter looked surprised, “I’ll be honest, I expected it of him. But you? You don’t…look the type.”

“Well I am,” Remus said firmly, taking another poster down and actually getting a good look at it. The picture of he and Sirius dancing together would have been quite a nice one, if it weren’t for the words written over it.

“The more you know,” Peter mumbled, and took down four more posters in his reach.

Sirius walked the halls slowly, taking down any posters that were missed by the others cleaning them up. He turned a corner on the second floor of the East building, and met eyes with Severus Snape.

“Just say what you’re going to say,” Sirius permitted tiredly.

“I don’t have anything to say at all,” Severus said, lips pressed together as he went back to taking the posters down and ripping each one in half.

“So you weren’t in on this?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“No,” Severus shoved the ripped paper in his bookbag, “I never would have let him do this if I knew about it.”

“So suddenly you’re a good person?” he folded his arms.

“I don’t claim to be any kind of person. But this was wrong.”

“And making fun of me for being disowned wasn’t?” Sirius snapped.

“You chose your side of the war, and you deal with consequences accordingly. You chose to defy your family and make your opinions known. I don’t pity you for choices you made, and whatever bad things came of them. But this isn’t a choice, I know that much. It wasn’t your choice to be that way, and it wasn’t your choice to tell him. And I know he did it in part for revenge on you. For trying to sick Remus after me, even if he doesn’t know that that’s what happened. So I’m choosing to help un-do this damage. I had no say in it being done,” Severus said, gathering six more posters in his hands as he spoke. Rip, rip, rip, rip, rip, rip.

“I’m sorry for that, by the way,” Sirius said quietly, “I apologized like hell to Remus, but never to you. I could have gotten you killed. I never should have gone that far.”

“I’m sorry, too. For this whole conundrum.”

“I don’t think we’ll ever reach a truce, especially being on opposite sides of the war. But you’ve got my word, I’m never going to be that stupid or irresponsible again. Small pranks are still gonna happen here and there, but I never meant to risk your life,” Sirius held his hand out. Looking saddened and mildly guilty, Severus shook his hand.

“To be honest…” he whispered, and looked around so as to be sure they were alone, “not a word of this to anyone else. But I’ve been thinking of where I stand in the war, and I’m…not sure anymore.”

“You’ve got time to make up your mind,” Sirius said, trying not to act too surprised, “I hope you make the right choice.”

As he walked away, he heard Severus stifle a coughing fit.

Throughout his walk, Sirius saw more people than he expected helping to clean up. Arthur Weasley, Molly Prewett, Marlene McKinnon, Mary McDonald, Dorcas, Lucas, Chris, and most of the professors. It didn’t make the situation better, but it reminded him that there were still good people in the world.

Dumbledore had stopped attending school meals lately. With all the war business going on, no one questioned it. But the following day, once all posters had been taken down and class was resumed, Dumbledore sat down to breakfast in rainbow-striped robes. They were so bright, they were absolutely impossible to miss. He smiled his gentle smile as always, taking his seat at the middle of the staff table like he used to, making no indications that today was going to be any different. All eyes were on him, except the people who looked to Sirius in turn. Sirius had been the first one at the Gryffindor table, hoping to eat his breakfast and get out of there as quickly as possible, but Dumbledore’s attire had quite lifted his mood.

Nobody sat near him. Whether it was disgust or fear of also being targeted, Sirius didn’t know, and he didn’t need to. All the same, he was sitting alone, but so was Dumbledore.

“Good morning,” Remus sat down in his usual spot across from Sirius, pouring himself some tea like he did every morning.

“Good m-” Sirius looked up at his friend, all thoughts lost. Remus’ uniform Gryffindor robe were the same bright, rainbow stripes as Dumbledore.

“Remus,” he whispered, “People are staring at you.”

Remus took a sip from his goblet, “ ‘Men’s eyes were made to look, and let them gaze.’ “

The quote, and the fact that Remus remembered it, made him feel momentarily better, but not enough to fix the situation.

“You don’t have to do this,” Sirius could feel the attention on him, in the silent hall.

“I’d sure like to, though. I have enough secrets. This is something I can be proud of,” Remus smiled reassuringly, “My reputation was ruined the moment I stepped on campus. I don’t have anything to lose. If people hate me for it, they were gonna hate me anyway.”

“I can’t believe you,” Sirius let out a shocked laugh.

“I hope that’s a good thing,” Remus’ lips twitched in the way they always did when they were watching a prank unravel, “Because there’s more where this came from.”

“Morning, lads!” James sat down next to Remus like he always did, with rainbow hair that looked messier than usual and a pink, purple, and blue cape on his back.

“No way,” Sirius looked between the two, baffled.

“Yes way,” Peter sat down next to Sirius with a rainbow tie on instead of his Gryffindor one.

“You guys-” Sirius covered his burning face with both hands, smiling so wide it hurt.

“Yes?” Remus replied, as if awaiting an answer.

“Guys, we did it. We finally did it. We’ve rendered Sirius speechless. We’ve done the impossible,” James teased.

“Already? This isn’t even the half of it!” Lilly sat down next to James, rainbows painted on her cheeks.

“What did I miss?” Chris asked from Sirius’ left, sitting down next to Remus with a rainbow flag cape draped around his shoulders.

Then, on his right, Lucas sat next to Peter with a rainbow scarf on, “Don’t tell me I missed anything big.”

“I made extras, who wants one?” Molly approached the table with multiple rainbow bandanas in hand, and one on her head. Her nails were painted pink, purple, and blue.

“I’ll take one,” Sirius held his hand out, almost expecting to wake up from a dream as soon as he moved. Molly kissed a bandana and handed it over with a grin, “Of course, dear.”

There were kids from every house at the Gryffindor table, wrapped up and decorated with their own flags in different forms. People he’d talked to maybe once or twice were patting him on the back and greeting him warmly. Yazmin Patil in her transgender flag, a quiet girl Remus often tutored in her lesbian flag, lots and lots of straight Hufflepuffs who just wanted to show their support, and many many others joined until there was no room left.

Poor Professor Binns had no idea what was going on (as usual), but Slughorn had a rainbow tie, Flitwick had a rainbow jacket, Hagrid monitored the halls with a hand-sewn rainbow flag, Trelawni had a lesbian flag hung over her chalk board, McGonagall had black robes that were rainbow on the inside, flashing the bright colours in her draping sleeves and the train of the robe when she walked, and just about every other staff member had some sort of pin or other small sign of support.

Between classes, Remus finally caught sight of Mulciber again. His nose was healed, but crooked now. He was scowling.

“Oh, hey! How’s your day been?” he asked loudly, calling as much attention to the interaction as possible.

Mulciber looked positively disgusted.

“Bet you’d love to scream some slurs at me right now. How does it feel to lose?” Remus was grinning from ear to ear. Sirius was muffling his laughter in James’ shoulder.

He took a step forward, and Mulciber took a step back.

“Oh come on now, don’t tell me you’re scared of me suddenly? Afraid Loony Lupin is going to kiss you and sweep you off your feet?” Remus took another step forward.

“So now you’re bent, too?” Mulciber hissed, “Am I the only person left in this school who still likes girls?”

“I like girls!” Yazmin Patil said cheerily.

“Really, I showed up to school in all rainbow and you’re still asking if I’m bent like it’s not clear? And it’s not that I’m bent now, it’s that I always have been. And just so you know, I know a ton of other queer guys, and not a single one of us has ever liked the looks of you. So you don’t have to worry about that,” Remus was smiling like he hadn’t a care in the world. In that moment, he didn’t. He knew, as soon as he saw the first poster, that he was going to redirect the fire on Sirius to himself. Usually this would just mean embarrassing himself, as he’d done before when Sirius was being targeted: Sirius would get yelled at in class, people would start murmuring, Remus would trip and fall on his face on his way to the chalk board, suddenly they were laughing at him and no one remembered what they’d just been whispering about. He tried to think of what he could do to embarrass himself this time, but nothing felt right. Redirecting attention was for accidents, secrets, things to be ashamed of. Sirius had no reason to be ashamed of himself, to Remus. Now was not the time for burying a problem, now was the time to stand up beside Sirius and raise his rainbow flag. The pain that Mulciber had caused was clearly an effort to push Sirius further into the closet, and trying to pull off an overshadowing scandal would be feeding that notion. Remus had nothing to lose, and a lot to prove.

“You- You- How could-” Mulciber stumbled trying to think of any smart replies. None came.

“And really, how do you know you’re not queer? Maybe you just haven’t met the right man yet,” Remus wiggled his eyebrows.

That was all it took for Mulciber to scamper off.

“Go on! Run, you fucking wimp!” Remus called after him. Turning back to his friends, he saw James leaning on the wall for support, laughing silently, and Sirius, gaping.

“Enjoy the show?” Remus asked, amused at his own ability to rile his friends in such a way.

Sirius just continued staring blankly at him, the ghost of a smile on his face, and laughed breathlessly, “I think I’m in love with you.”

Remus took it as the joke it was meant to be, and he tried to laugh, even if he knew he was blushing hard.

“Take me out to dinner and then see if I’ll say it back,” Remus managed to retort.

“God I can’t wait to get out for Winter break this weekend,” Sirius tapped his desk incessantly in Transfigurations. Remus turned around in his seat to shoot a delighted look at James, who was already giving him the same look back. Sirius used to dread school breaks so much he’d have panic attacks about it. This was the first time ever he had expressed excitement, or anything positive at all about it.

“You’re staying with us, right Moony?” James asked.

“I can’t,” Remus smiled sadly, “Not safe. I have to stay here over break.”

“Oh,” James frowned.

“Then we’ll stay here with you, won’t we, James?” Sirius suggested.

“No no no, don’t do that just for me, I have other friends who I’m sure will stay. Go home, enjoy your first family Christmas,” Remus denied.

“We have the rest of our lives to visit our parents for Christmas, we’re only at Hogwarts for so long. We can stay!” James said, ever optimistic.

“I just don’t want to keep you from them,” Remus mumbled.

“You’re not. And I’ll have all summer with them anyway,” Sirius reassured.

They stuck to their word. On Saturday, they all waved goodbye to Peter, Lilly, and their other friends on the train.

Almost no one stayed. With the war going on, almost every single parent and guardian demanded their child come home.

“Did the Potters kick you out, too?” Regulus asked, passing them on the way to the Slytherin table at breakfast.

“No, we’re here cause we care about our friend and we want to spend time with him. We were wanted at home and at school, so we got to choose. Looks like you’re not welcome at either place though, huh? Cause you’re also not at home right now, and we sure don’t want you here,” James replied smoothly. For such a sweet boy, he could pack a punch once in awhile. Remus wondered if he just waited around for opportunities to say something really stingingly personal.

“Alphard said he was going to visit over break to tell my parents whatfor, and I don’t care to hear that inevitable catastrophe go down, so I chose to stay here for some peace and quiet. But clearly, with you still here, peace and quiet are going to be scarce either way,” Regulus sneered, “And why are you staying, Loony Lupin?”

“All the boys at my Muggle school are terrible shags. Got tired of ‘em,” Remus deadpanned. James slapped a hand over his mouth so fast it made an actual smack sound.

“So you’re shagging my brother instead?” Regulus raised an eyebrow. James’ other hand followed the first.

“Oh yeah, totally,” Remus rolled his eyes, “Isn’t that right, my darling?”

“Remus!” Sirius played along, smacking his friend’s arm lightly, “We weren’t supposed to tell him!”

“Tell him what?” Lucas approached them with his plate.

“That me and Remus are obviously together,” Sirius said, no doubt in his tone that he was joking.

“Oh, yeah, these two?” Lucas looked up at Regulus, “They go at it all the time. Saw Remus sneaking off at his own birthday party to kiss him.”

Remus looked at Lucas with wide eyes, and then just buried his face in his hands. James legitimately fell out of his seat laughing.

“Okay, time to stop,” Remus mumbled, blushing.

“Now you’re embarrassed?” Sirius smirked, “Cause you sure weren’t shy last night, when you-”

Remus held Sirius’ head with one hand and sealed his mouth shut with the other, “THAt’s enough of that.”

Sirius licked his hand broadly. With a noise of great disdain, Remus slowly took his hands back and wiped the slobbery one on his robes.

“Gross,” he muttered. Sirius cupped Remus’ face and licked his cheek.

“Padfoot! You’re not a dog,” he complained.

“Not right now, I’m not,” Sirius wiggled his eyebrows.

“For fuck’s sake, you two,” Lucas sighed, “He left after I finished talking, you can stop now. I think James needs to be put on oxygen.”

Chapter Text

“Padfoot, no. We’re not doing this,” Remus held the stink bomb high above his head with one hand, still holding an open book in the other.

“Remus, that’s mine! You literally just gave it to me for Christmas,” Sirius jumped to catch it, but Remus raised it higher, “Wanker! Give it back!”

“No. We’re some of the only kids left in the castle. There’d be no doubt it was us. I don’t want to spend my last few days of break in detention,” Remus said plainly, “Let me read.”

“Absolutely not. Edgar Allan Poe can wait,” Sirius jumped again, and Remus heard him trip and land behind.

“And so can you. Until everyone gets back.”

“You didn’t used to be such a prude,” Sirius complained, standing back up so he could cross his arms and pout, “They never should have made you Prefect. Old Moony would be happy to pull pranks with me.”

“Don’t start pulling that shit, I am still just as much a Marauder as you! I just value my free time a little more,” Remus replied, trying his damndest to keep his eyes on the lines of the page.

“You’ve gotten boring,” Sirius accused, “Never did I think I’d live to see the day Remus Lupin said no to annoying Filch.”

“Oh yeah, go ahead, blame the sensible one,” Remus murmured. Behind him, there was a lot of shuffling, and then a dog walked out in front of him and sat down, looking up expectantly.

“No, Padfoot. Go find someone else to play fetch with,” he dismissed. The dog reared up on its hind legs and pawed at the bottom of Remus’ hoodie.

“Oh, come on, really? We’ve stooped this low? Is this who we are now?” Remus finally looked down at him, “Never in my life did I think I’d see this.”

The dog cocked its head to the side.

“Well, it just seems unlike you to beg,” Remus answered tauntingly. Immediately, the dog rolled over and Sirius was back, looking quite flabbergasted, “I do not beg.”

“Really? Cause that’s what it seems like to me.”

“I was not begging! I was simply asking-”

“You were begging.”

“No I was not!” Sirius insisted, standing back up, “You’re just trying to get a rise out of me.”

“And it’s working,” Remus smirked a little, “I’m not the bad guy for telling the truth. You were begging.”

“Was not!”

“You know, when I learned what your animagus form was, I thought for sure there were some good jokes to be made, but the opportunity never arose. How do I make jokes about training you when you’re un-trainable even in human form? Surely I can’t train you, you never listen to me. But I never considered James,” Remus pretended to think, “It was probably him. He always caves when you ask him to do something.”

“James did not train me to beg,” Sirius deadpanned, expression flat.

“Well I certainly didn’t,” Remus couldn’t help his smile at Sirius’ childish displeasure.

“You couldn’t train me if you tried,” Sirius said defiantly.

“I’ll give you the stink bomb if you sit,” Remus smirked. Sirius’ eyes narrowed. He didn’t move.

“Pranks are only for good puppies. Sit,” Remus challenged, rotating the box tauntingly in his hand.

“You- stupid fucking-” Sirius struggled for words for a moment, and then gave up, launching forward in attempt to tackle Remus. They both tumbled to the ground, Sirius grappling for the box Remus kept an iron grip on.

“I don’t know why you thought that would work,” Remus huffed, barring his free arm over Sirius’ chest to keep him held to the floor.

“You underestimate me,” Sirius groaned, using all of his strength to flip them. Remus hadn’t anticipated this, and Sirius didn’t expect Remus to give so easily- instead of getting flipped, they went rolling several times over.

Sirius eventually found himself successfully above Remus, and smiled triumphantly.

“Wow, I didn’t even have to tell you to roll over,” Remus said, smirking, infuriatingly calm. Sirius gasped indignantly, smacking Remus lightly across the face. Remus smacked him back, and then they were a flurry of hands and grumbled profanities.

“Motherf- Give it!”

“Try to make me.”

“Just hand it over already you-”

“Ow, fuck, watch your elbows.”

Sirius dug his elbow into Remus’ ribs on purpose.

“Bad dog,” Remus wheezed, slapping Sirius’ hand away from almost grabbing the box.

“Just what the fuck is happening here?” James asked, opening the door. Sirius froze where he was straddling Remus’ chest, and Remus froze where he was stretching his arm as far out as possible to keep the other from reaching the brown box.

“Remus is being an arse,” Sirius replied, at the same time as Remus said, “Sirius is being stupid.”

“It’s my stink bomb!”

“I gave it to him, and I’m taking it back.”

“You can’t take back gifts, stupid!” Sirius went back to reaching, and Remus poked his underarm, as it was uncomfortably close to his face. Sirius flinched back, hand over his mouth.

“What?” Remus wrenched the hand away to see Sirius trying to hide a smile.

“Don’t.”

“You’re ticklish.”

“He totally is,” James chimed.

“Traitor!” Sirius shouted, and then he jolted to the floor, helpless as Remus prodded at his ribs, making him laugh uncontrollably.

James, entertained, just watched them as he sat on his bed and put his bag down.

“You’re going to pay for this!” Sirius gasped.

“I’m positively trembling with fear,” Remus deadpanned, fingers dancing toward Sirius’ neck.

“No! No, noooooo stop it STOP IT!” Sirius was snorting, out of breath laughing. His legs kicked uncontrollably, colliding hard with Remus’ arm.

“Ooowwww,” Remus complained through breathless laughter, “That fucking hurt.”

“Oh, pobrecito,” Sirius retorted, kicking him again.

“Fuck, ow!” Remus exclaimed. Losing his grip, the stink bomb fell to the floor. Having already been through more abuse than it was meant to take, it broke open.

“Oh, absolutely n- AUGH YUUUUCK,” James exclaimed, covering his face with his robes and scampering out of the room. He stood just outside the open door, waiting for the smell to waft away before re-entry.

Coughing, Remus finally relented in order to get up and open the window. As he leaned out of it to get a breath of clean air, his face was shoved down into the fluffy snow on the roof.

“Okay,” Remus said finally, wiping the snowflakes out of his eyes, “That’s it.”

He turned and grabbed Sirius firmly, picking him up and making his best effort to shove him through the window.

“You cannot defenestrate me! How dare you try!” Sirius shouted, scrambling about to keep at least one limb fully in the room at a time.

“It’s not like you’re going to fall,” Remus rolled his eyes, “I’d have to throw you pretty far to get you off the roof.”

“Put me down!” Sirius twisted about, but he was no match. Remus got him all the way out the window, which he promptly shut and locked.

“Remus! Fucking coward! Face me like a man! You can’t just get rid of me!” came Sirius’ muffled voice through the glass, leaving handprints where he smacked it. Remus stuck his tongue out, and finished ruffling the snow out of his cropped hair. Sirius flipped him off with both hands, and then pulled out his wand to unlock the window.

“Oh fuck,” Remus scrambled back, unaware Sirius had his wand with him. He turned his back for only a moment, and felt a snowball pelt the back of his head. Then he heard another snowball whir over him, followed by a disdained gasp from James, complaining, “I wasn’t even part of this!”

“You’re part of it now,” Sirius was grinning like a madman, half on the roof and half in the room, gathering snow and packing it as quickly as his bare hands allowed. He pelted another snowball at Remus just as he turned back around. It hit his jaw, and burst onto the floor.

“McGonagall’s going to have our heads if she hears about this,” Remus said warningly. The scent of the stink bomb still lingered, even with the window and door open.

“Loser has to take the blame when she asks,” Sirius looked wild, hair messed up and grinning wide as ever. He threw another snowball at Remus’ shoulder.

“Yeah, we’ll see how that goes,” Remus ran and tackled Sirius back out the window, rolling in the snow on the roof with him, shoving snow down his shirt.

“¡Jesuchristo, eso es frio, carajo!” Sirius hissed, batting at Remus with both hands until they fell back into the room in a tangle of limbs.

“Hey, I’m back…early…” Peter stood at the open door, blinking hard in confusion, “What…am I looking at…?”

“Hey Pete!” Sirius huffed from where Remus was pushing his face into the floor, “Wanna give me a hand?”

“No, I’m good,” Peter said bemusedly.

It took ten more minutes of brawling for Sirius to smack his open palm on the floor repeatedly, breathlessly admitting defeat.

“Merlin, you’re relentless,” he said, half admiration, half complaint.

“There’s a reason I’ve never lost a fight in my life,” Remus said casually, getting up and finally closing the window. He decided not to tell Sirius that he hadn’t been using nearly all his strength. James and Peter had left.

The rest of the students trickled in at different times. Four days after Christmas, every student was delivered a newspaper over breakfast.

DAILY PROPHET

OVER 100 MUGGLES KILLED IN ATTACK LAST NIGHT

In an attack on the freedom of wizardkind, over 100 Muggles have tragically died just last night. Muggle parents and spouses of registered wizards were attacked all over the UK, all left with what is now being called the Dark Mark on their left forearms. 8 Aurors were sent to put a stop to the attack and were killed on site. Though the attackers did eventually retreat, the Wizarding World is at a loss. It has been a dark night, and many dark days follow as people attend the funerals of the victims from prior attacks.

Regulus Black walked in late, with bandages on his face. Sirius stared blankly at him, and then back to the papers.

“This is what they were trying to recruit me for,” Sirius whispered to James, “I know they were involved. Look at Reg.”

James looked up and frowned deeply.

Any Muggle-born or mixed-blood kids were sent back to school by New Years Eve. It became extremely clear that their houses were not safe for the time being.

“James,” Lilly ran to him as soon as she saw him, getting off the train at Hogsmeade. She ran straight into his arms, sniffling into his robe and holding him tighter than she ever had before.

“Hi, beautiful,” he said softly, kissing her head over and over, “It’s good to see you again. I’m so glad you’re safe.”

“They came to our house,” she whispered, “They shattered our windows- We just played dead. For hours, we laid on the ground until they left. But just before we fell, they- Petunia- they hit her with something, a spell, and she’s not the same.”

“Not the same how?” James swallowed hard, rubbing her back.

“She’s had a really bad headache since it’s happened, and she’s been very mean,” Lilly pulled back to wipe her eyes, “I mean, she’s always been mean, but- this is- I don’t know what they did to her.”

“We’ll figure it out,” James rubbed her arms and pushed her hair out of her face, “You’re safe here. We can worry about everything else when we come to it. The Ministry visited your house afterward, no doubt, maybe they’re there right now. I’m sure they know how to fix it all.”

She nodded and took deep, shuddering breaths.

“There’s a party tonight! A bunch of Ravenclaws decided we all need distractions, so they’re throwing a New Years party in their common room. Everyone is invited except Barty Crouch Junior and his posse,” James said encouragingly, “Will you come with me? They’ll have alcohol if you want some, and cider if you don’t. They said they just want to play games and do the countdown together.”

“Okay,” Lilly flapped her hands about as if shaking off whatever bad feelings lingered, “That sounds really nice. I need something good.”

Then, smiling with wet eyelashes, “You’re not going to try to kiss me, are you?”

“Nope. All on your time,” James didn’t even try playing along with the joke. Lilly had said, on their first date, that she didn’t know how she felt about kissing him, so James promised he’d let her make the first move, if she ever wanted to. She permitted kisses on the hands and cheek, kisses on her forehead and hair were fine, but everything else was off limits. James went out of his way to respect that, kissing her cheek or temple every time he got the chance to remind her she was loved, and moving back intentionally whenever he realized he might be too close. Lilly was reluctant to believe James when he had first told her that the relationship was on her terms, and that he’d be happy with whatever she was willing to do or not do. Though he was sweet, James was still a man, and Lilly was not nearly convinced that he meant what he said.

Still, all these months later, nothing about James’ promise had changed. He was as respectful as he had started. Despite herself, James’ displays of respect and self control made her want to kiss him more.

Somewhere along the line they danced together, Lilly realized that James was never joking when he talked about their future as a duo. He really had seen it. There was a very likely future, maybe many futures, in which they got married and lived their lives happy with each other.

It kept her up at night. If this was the man she was going to marry, she was done dating. She was done having boyfriends. It was James for the rest of her life, if she took that path, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for that commitment at sixteen years old.

She looked into divination. She spent several days with Trelawni after class, looking into her most likely future if she were to chose some other man, or no one at all. They all pointed to one thing: dying late next year. There was no future after that. No husband, no kids, no house, no graduation even. No life. It ended on December 27th, 1996.

With James, she saw possibilities up until October 31st, 2000. This wasn’t much later, but it didn’t necessarily say she died that day. She just couldn’t see past it.

Either way, it seemed James was the right choice for her in a lot of ways. And while this was good news in several aspects, it still gave Lilly a lot to grapple with. She felt a little trapped, and something in her head was convinced that kissing James would seal the deal. So she waited.

But as James wrapped her in his robe and walked her, a hand on her back and the other on her arm, keeping her steady, back to the castle, she knew she’d choose him even if she had a million other choices. James was her future. She was happy with that.