Chapter Text
On a relatively lazy, early January day, Amir was on one of those little bunny trail trains of thought of his again; laying on a couch in the upper floor of the backroom while his partners were working away on the floor below.
“Lillian.. Jillian.. Amirian? Yeeeeeah!” Amir rambled purely to himself, imagining what he would look like in one of his favorite games. Obviously if he was also a main character in ‘ Caliber Chicks,’ his name would have to match the other smoking hot babes he’d be fighting alongside, right? Totally normal train of thought for a guy to have.
In the workshop/practice space that was the backroom’s lower floor, Flare and the Drifter shared a knowing look at each other at what they had just heard. They hadn’t brought it up with Amir yet, but both of them had noticed a few.. Familiar things, about Amir’s opinions of himself. Either or both of them could easily be projecting, which is why neither of them had talked with him about it yet, but.
Shitty self esteem. Like. Phenomenally shitty self esteem, to the point that he can’t recognize just how fucking attractive he is, even after almost a year now of three people constantly insisting as much.
All of the ‘joking’ insistence of how manly he is, usually following right after him saying something absolutely adorable.
The fact that he does genuinely seem to prefer the fact that the both of them lean heavily on calling him pretty or beautiful rather than handsome.
Drifter had a lot less experience with being around other people like them; but Flare had plenty from before their time in Höllvania, reaching out to and sticking with as many people as possible that made them feel a bit less alone, a bit less like a freak.
Well. Less of a freak in the decidedly not-fun way that Flare's mind used that term.
If Flare had a silver for every time they met someone who was as dedicated to being an ally as Amir had become since getting with them and the Drifter, who had some or all of the traits laid out above, that ended up transitioning in one direction or another after a bit of time considering.. And maybe a gentle push from a friend who knew the ropes a bit better..
On a similar wavelength, the Drifter walked over from their project to get closer to Flare. “..Should we? Talk with him about that at some point? I mean that sounded like a joke, but.”
Flare smirked. “You also just heard the least ‘I’m totally fine with the gender society gave me’ thing you’ve heard all week?”
“Yeah, and around here that’s. Saying something.” The Drifter chuckled, pointing a thumb back and forth between themself and Flare, and their own vastly differing flavors of genderqueer-ness.
Just as the Drifter was about to walk up to meet him, they turned around to see that Amir was already standing a few feet away. “Hey, lightning. Something up?” They raised an eyebrow. From his face, the little cogs in his mind were clearly turning something over.
“..Would you two mind if I asked some uh. Kind of blunt and very awkward questions?” Amir said, tapping a foot anxiously on the concrete. “About, um. Your. Genders?”
Was that the right way to word that? No way, right.
There was an awkward beat of silence, and then both the Drifter and Flare broke into laughter; Lizzie as well, for that matter.
Amir blushed, looking away. Cool, cool. Coolcoolcool, yeah, that was a really stupid way of putting that. “Yeah you’re right that sounds really stupid now that I’ve said it out loud and is probablyareallypersonalquestionsorryI’lljust–”
Flare shook their head and put a hand up to motion 'stop', trying to stop him from inevitably running off somewhere. “N-no, sorry, lightning. You’re good. Sorry for laughing, dear, that was just a very cute way of putting that.” And also, it was very funny given that the two of them were about to start this same conversation.. ”Angel here and I have, hmm.. How to put this. Exceptionally different experiences on several levels when it comes to that. Both matters of perspective and in, y’know, our standard time travel and paradox related complexities.” Hell of a sentence out of context. “But go on ahead, darling.”
“Also, Amir– It is a very personal question but also, um?” The Drifter pulled the morbid engagement/wedding ring that Flare had given them just a few weeks ago out of their shirt where it hung on a chain for safe keeping while they were working.
The only reason Amir didn’t have one of his own in some form yet is because he was still processing the idea of being engaged, let alone instantly married.
And the Drifter was still working on the ring for him..
“Honey. Personally, there is no such thing as a question that’s too intimate between us. Especially when we’re alone back here.”
“We are all One, sugar~ Hive shares with Hive, Lover with Lover! Ask, Our Flare is so excited to help You, pup..” Lizzie put on the sweetest tone she could, still giggling away at Amir.
“A-alright. Thanks..” Amir pulled himself up onto the Drifter’s work table, sitting cross-legged on the end of it. Here goes nothing? “So. From what I understand you two came from, like. Two. Opposite directions?” Trying so hard not to say something stupid that would hurt either of them.
Drifter nodded. “Pretty much? I ‘was’”, Big quotes there, “A girl until I was like.. 12 or 13? Literal centuries ago. Little hazy. Never felt quite ‘right’ with me, talked to my parents about it, and they started helping me out on the medical side of it, calling me what I wanted to be called, all that, until. You know.” Didn’t have to repeat it for the millionth time. Void jump failed, abandoned in the void by the Indifference, etc, etc. “Uh, I got lucky. I guess, that Duviri was my own personal fantasy? Otherwise I would not look nor sound like this right now.”
Flare just realized something, and gave the Drifter an odd, questioning look. “..Not to divert topic here, but Drifter, you’re still on testosterone, yeah?”
“Uuh, there was a bit of a space between Duviri and here where I wasn’t, but yeah, I am now, why?” The Drifter looked over at Flare, turning their head to the side a bit.
“..Lettie, or?”
“Oh, no.” The Drifter shook their head. “She has plenty of meds in store for the folks around here; not that, unfortunately. No, um. Helly helps me with that? One of the few things she can do with that chair that affects me, weirdly enough.”
Flare burst out laughing. “Oh, Sol, good to know that’s consistent with the Helminth strain.” They patted one of Lizzie’s necks, for emphasis. “I’m guessing that’s a quirk it developed on its own, that Ballas you’ve talked about does not sound. Particularly accepting.”
“No, yeah, I’ve got. No earthly or unearthly clue how that came about with Helminth.” Drifter chuckled. "I'm just happy to take a bit of advantage of how much Helly and her friends like Liz love me."
“In speaking of not particularly accepting..” Flare said bitterly, “I figured myself out a bit later than our Drifter did, and uh. You’ve not been around the same scenes as me, Amir, but I’m guessing growing up in Libertatia in the same timeline as me you can fill in the blanks with how cool my own folks were about me suddenly trying on makeup, given that I’d been solidly put in the ‘boy’ box..” Flare was not going to detail all that. Or they'd would probably start setting things on fire accidentally.
Amir winced, sharply inhaling through his teeth. “Got it. Say no more. Uh." He fidgeted a bit, before opening up a bit himself on a similar matter.. "Not the same but, I can relate a bit, I think. I did end up with a boyfriend one time when I was.. 16 I'm pretty sure? And that went very poorly, mostly at school but, uhhhhh, word got loose.. And I definitely got some very strange looks from my parents on that one. Thankfully? Question mark? He was an absolute ass, so that didn’t last too long and I got to brush it off as a ' phase' but whoobuddyitwasnot- Well. Actually.. I’m. Actually not sure where I sit on the liking guys thing anymore but. I’m. Definitely not straight.” He looked back and forth between Flare and the Drifter. Amir didn’t know what to call what he was currently internally labeling as ‘guy who likes women and (affectionately) weird scary genderqueer people’ but it definitely was not straight. He cleared his throat. “Anyway. Sorry for interrupting,”
“No, honey, you’re fine. You can talk about that all you’re comfortable with.” Flare said with a soft frown.
That’s actually the first time they had heard Amir speak frankly about himself being queer at all, aside from the obvious between him and this relationship and yes, an offhand comment here or there about at some point briefly having an ass of a boyfriend in high school. They wish they could say they were surprised to hear he’d been treated like that, but. No, that tracked.
“Personally, despite..” Flare tapped one of their breasts, currently hidden behind their coat, “Some more semi-conventionally feminine additions Lizzie’s helped me with, I see myself as.. Sort of perfectly in between, if that makes sense? Both, all, etc. I’m androgynous, and I live and thrive on seeing ‘normal’ folks get very confused on whether I’m a man or a woman, if you've somehow not caught on yet.” They laughed.
“Funnily enough, I’m also the reverse there.” The Drifter cut in, “I feel.. No attachment to being a man or a woman at all? I like more conventionally masculine terms sometimes,” Like Flare recently calling them their husband, Void.. “But I generally just feel. Nothing.” After an awkward moment of silence, they realized how that sounded. No, for once this is not the Drifter casually dumping trauma mid conversation. ”Not. In a depressing void way for once. For once in my goddamn life my lack of something is not because of the Man in the Wall.” Thank every fucking god.
Amir was taking mental note of all of this. One; for more knowledge of this partners. Two; “Drifter..”
“Mm? Yes, dear?” The Drifter walked over closer, leaning their hips against the table beside him. “You can ask me anything.”
“You.. Said you don’t really have an attachment to either?” Oh, those cogs are spinning. There’s a tiny Volt-batch hamster running on a wheel somewhere in that big cute brain of his that just went supersonic.
“Yeah.” Drifter nodded. “It was uncomfortable being called a girl, but even that was mostly in hindsight, realizing after my parents and my– Well, my more supportive peers..” They shot Flare a look like ‘yeah, sorry, not too much of a change there’, though they had talked about this before between just the two of them, they were sorry all the same for the reminder. “After the more supportive people around me started using more neutral terms for me and calling me by my–”
Oh, the Man in the Wall did take something. Even they didn’t remember whatever name it was that they were so proud to hear Cephalon Melica call in attendance instead of the one their parents had given them. That wasn’t just wiped from the Orokin records, they couldn’t remember either name, given or chosen.
Amir’s head was spinning too much to process it at the moment; but Flare definitely noted that sudden cut away from mentioning the Drifter’s name and connected the dots from what they’d mentioned of the Tenno’s relationship with names in general before.
Not gonna bring it up. Just gonna sit in a little internal heartbreak and rage for them.
They remembered how happy it made them feel being called Flare for the first time by someone who really meant it, who didn’t have to correct themself. And whatever curse that thing put on the Drifter stole all that joy from them. Fucker.
“...After people who were supportive started using the right terms and such, I realized how uncomfortable I was beforehand, and that I was just kind of.. Being nice about it, I guess. But I don’t have any real attachment to being a guy either. I’m me. That’s all that matters to me.” The Drifter finally finished their thought, looking back at Amir, who had started fairly frantically tapping one of his sets of metal fingers on the table. He’d certainly be shaking his leg against the floor, if not for his current pose.
“I. Hm.” Oh, Sol, where to even start with this. Not that any of the Hex weren’t gay or bi or something in some way, shape or form, but Amir was amongst the two most clearly accepting people in this entire building and he still wasn’t sure how to start this whole thought. Partially because he was still unsure of it himself. “I don’t. Know. Where I sit with any of this but..” He looked down at his hands. “I don’t think I’m.. Necessarily a guy?”
Flare and the Drifter’s eyes lit up at that.
They were right. Maybe. Again. Don’t push too hard, let him figure it out..
Amir continued, noting in a bit of panic that his partners were staring him down but smiling? “I.. Well you probably heard me earlier, but despite that thought rabbit hole I don’t really.. Mind my name, or like, being called he or what have you, but.”
Here we go, he’s starting to chip away at it.. Flare smiled, walking up and putting a comforting hand on Amir’s shoulder. “You wanna play with this whole concept a bit, sweetheart?”
Amir nodded quickly. “I– I don’t want you, either of you, to feel like I’m like. Copying you? Trying this on like a costume just for fun or something? But uh. Being around both of you very creative people for this long has really.. Kinda fucked with my head a bit I think. IN A GOOD WAY.” He put his hands up, emphasizing ‘I did not mean that in a bad way!’ “I. Also really don’t know if I want this to leave this room right now, but um.”
“We could try out a few things.. See how you feel. Nothing serious, just playing with all the relevant words a bit?” Drifter smiled, leaning their head up against Amir’s shoulder. “Doesn’t have to be anything permanent. If anything ever changes, you wanna be called something different– Pronouns, name, what have you, just tell us. And tell us if you want us to call you that around the others, too.”
Oh yeah. Amir, you are stupid, of course these two would be immediately for that. Both spooky sweethearts with the most open minds in this building– well and Eleanor, too, but that’s in a different way, but not really? She's spooky and sweet too– Oh god, she’d been practicing blocking out this room when every resident of the backroom was in here for an extended time, right? How good was she at that now? Not that Elle would tell–oh all of the thoughts about this were hitting Amir at once. This was. Very exciting and they hadn’t even started messing about with this yet. He nodded. “Um. I’m cool just like..” He stood up and suddenly dashed upstairs, taking the same cross-legged pose on one of the couches by the TV as if he had just kind of teleported into place.
Once his partners had followed him up, he continued, clearing his throat a bit. God, those two’s eyes on him so kindly prying him apart, waiting on his every word, reminded him of the first time all three–four of them had been intimate together, three very loving intense people admiring every bit of him.. “I’m cool if you two just like, I dunno.. Sit and talk about me like I’m not here? Play around with.. Pronouns and whatever?”
Oh this was a fun way to do this. Of course Amir’d make a game of it. “We can do that.. What about you, Drifter? Want to praise our darling partner, see what starts making our puppy’s tail wag?”
Oh god, Flare, really? Going there right now? Amir’s cheeks had already started to flush just bringing all this up, but now that was spreading to the tips of his ears..
Flare took a seat, setting Lizzie up nearby, who also kind of hilariously did her best to relax into the couch and be 'casual', loosing all her strings and melting into a ‘sitting’ position.
"No puppy here! Just the rest of Us chewing at the thoughts of Our sweet little raspberry sugar pup.." Lizzie giggled, clearly having a very fun time playing along; especially since it partially involved teasing Amir.
The Drifter nodded, relaxing in by Flare up against their shoulder and smirking over at Amir. “Yeah, lets; and keep our eyes out on that totally empty seat over there. Totally no one relevant watching us.” They joked, grinning at Amir’s flustered expression. That was not the point of this, not right now at least, but it did seem to relax him a bit to distract his mind just a bit.
His? Her? Their? Its, maybe? Something else entirely?
Worth a few tries, even if that sweet bolt of lightning over there did end up settling on the quote unquote ‘default’ option after all.