Chapter Text
Sara trudged into the galley, exhaustion drying her eyes. That first sip of coffee was going to be so heavenly. She wasn't as young as she used to be (even though she was still young, her nervous system was fried) and her all-night movie binges with Ava left her waking reluctantly the next day. Paired with an unfortunate less-than-savory nightmare just before their simulated dawn, Sara was already over it. She focused her tunnel vision on making it to the replicator. She was aware of Nate and Ray at the nearest table, but neither disturbed her in her obviously disgruntled be-line for coffee. They were smart men.
The small beeps of the replicator buttons sounded loud to her ears, and she massaged her neck roughly with one hand as the mug materialized in front of her. She still swore by actual, non-replicated coffee, but some mornings she just didn't have it in her to care. The warmth was just as soothing on her face and Gideon had gotten much better in her flavor replications. There was a distinct hint of a particular Sumatran blend she had expressed liking before. Heavenly indeed.
On her second sip, turning from the replicator, something stuck Sara as wrong. It was far, far too silent for the two boys who were currently eating breakfast. It seemed like the nerd twins had had an argument about something. She hovered in a way that she hoped was casual, taking another sip and surveying the scene. They were sitting farther apart than normal, gazes focused intently on their plates, and they were much quieter. The silence was strange, almost… tense. Which was weird between them. Very weird.
"How are you guys this morning?" She tried a more traditional approach. It felt stiff and awkward, but the men gave no indication that they noticed.
"Good." Ray looked up with that charming smile of his.
"Not bad." Nate allowed, hinting that something was, in fact, at least a little bit bad.
"Good." She took another sip to avoid actively frowning. She trailed around the edge of the island, pretending to linger sleepily, unsure whether to stay or go back to bed. In reality, she was waiting for one of them to spill the beans. Something was up, and she was going to find out what.
"How do you know you're gay?" Nate said after a heavy moment, tapping the edge of his fork on his plate with little chings. His gaze was focused on his plate, not on her. Her hovering had unnerved him into something he felt was an almost-confession.
"I'm not." Sara rolled her eyes. Just because there was a woman sleeping in her bed at that moment didn't make her gay. She was bisexual, and didn't always love the persistent colloquial shift to gay. It felt like erasing a little piece of her identity sometimes.
"Okay, so how do you know you're bi? Or. Or gay."
"You get a membership card in the mail."
"What? Really?" Ray exclaimed, eyes wide. He had that endearing I have so many follow-up questions look on his face.
"No." Sara rolled her eyes, fighting a grin. She leaned against the kitchen island, facing them and lazily crossing her legs at the ankles. She schooled her expression. "You know you're gay when you find a magic little fairy in the woods and it whispers your new sexuality into your ear."
Nate and Ray eyed each other, expressions somewhere between disbelief and fear. Considering their encounter with the unicorn… "Really?" Nate's voice was hesitant, eyes wide in wonder.
"No!" She loved the boys, she really did, but goddamn, sometimes… Although she would take blame for the deadpan expression that made her look dead serious.
"Oh." Both made a small sound of… disappointment? before, fixing their gazes back on their breakfast plates. Sara blinked, confused.
"Are you asking… how I knew? Personally? Or…"
"Y-yeah? I mean. Yeah." Ray had to clear his throat. He side-eyed Nate, who nodded encouragingly. "You just seem so… confident and sure of yourself in your sexuality. Like, the entire time I've known you. But I've never really asked."
"And what brings on this line of questioning?" Sara asked, taking another sip of her coffee. It struck her like a weird thing to be particularly interested in. Casually, anyway. The question had the boys looking at each other with panicked eyes.
"Uhm." Ray had never been a great liar— and that is what they were doing. Or maybe lie was too harsh a word. It was simply plain to Sara at that point that there was something else being left unsaid. And she did, in fact, have an idea or two.
"We just want to get to know you better. Well. Mainly me, because like Ray said, since he's known you. I'm just. Curious. About you." Nate fumbled the deception along admirably (although, in any other context from any other mouth, that phrasing would have been downright creepy).
Sara nodded slowly, pretending contemplation. She knew the answer— frankly, she was tired of being asked. "Honestly, I don't really know. I didn't necessarily have a big crisis or anything about it. I just kinda had a crush on a girl and eventually I kissed a girl and decided I liked it, too. Sometimes better." She shrugged taking another sip and pretending not to notice the wide-eyed and pale-faced look Ray was wearing.
"A kiss?" Ray gulped.
She tried to remind herself that, if her suspicions were correct, Ray was having a moderate-to-severe crisis of self. This was a man who had been engaged once, who's fiance's death had completely altered the course of his life, and who had argued with millennia and destiny for another woman.
"Just like that? That simple?" Nate asked, almost wonderingly. Again, all she could do was shrug.
"Yeah. I mean, I didn't tell anyone for a long time because I knew it was… different. But inside of me… yeah, I guess that's it."
"Did Oliver know? Before… yeah." Ray gestured generally with his hands, ever sensitive to his friends' traumas.
It was Sara's turn to blush a little and stare into her coffee. "I'm not entirely sure." She admitted. "I mean, we went to the same parties a lot, but lots of women who are straight will mess around and try stuff out when they're drunk or high. But he seemed very surprised to find out I had been in a relationship with a woman. Again, though, that could have just been surprise that I was with an assassin. I never really clarified with him on that one."
Nate blinked. Sara had a hard time remembering who knew what— she knew he knew about the assassin thing, but the whole romance thing might have been missed.
"What about your other friends?"
"All my friends now I only know from after." Sara tried not to think about the statement too hard. "I guess maybe Thea, but we've never had an open conversation about it."
"Intentionally?"
Sara shrugged. "Not intentionally avoiding it, or anything. She never asked, but she also never skipped a beat."
Nate nodded, seemingly satisfied (if disappointed) with her answer. They lapsed into an unmoved silence. Sara didn't want to butt in— what they were thinking and feeling was deeply personal, and she didn't want to upset or hurt them. But she also didn't want to leave them floundering or arguing and tense.
"Are you… worried… you might be gay?" Sara asked, shooting for nonchalance. Both boys shot upright, chairs squealing against the floor. She flinched at the sudden assault of noise.
"What? No! Absolutely not!" Their voices were mingled in indignation and denial. Sara just blinked at them, and remorse already crowded Ray's features.
"I'm not…. we're not…" Nate fumbled his words. Sara knew he had an interesting relationship with masculinity, and between his grandfather, father, and his hospital room childhood, he struggled with his understanding of identity. He wasn't the type of person to use gay as an insult, and he had to sharply contend with his near-instinctive reaction. He was sweet and intelligent and caring, but still felt himself shaken, assumptions of himself being threatened.
Ray, on the other hand, was a much softer hand. His confession was a ripple. "We kissed."
"On accident!"
"We kissed and it was an accident," Ray amended smoothly, "But we think we both… had feelings. Positive ones."
Sara nodded gently. "And you're wondering what that means for you both." They nodded. She pondered what to say next besides have some fun and experiment a little. "Have you… kissed again? Since the accidental one."
"No."
"Have you thought about it?" Nate shrugged nervously, and Ray cut a side-eye. Ray was probably thinking about it right then, and trying not to at the same time.
"I mean, I should know. I should know! Like you said, you just knew. I mean, its myself. How do I not know myself?" Nate sat back down with a thunk.
"Hey, it's not like that for everyone." Sara replied gently. "Some people, y'know, they do just know. But its probably more common to not know. A lot of people just live in themselves and don't realize it until something specific happens, or they start asking questions, feeling unhappy and they don't know why. There's no shame in not knowing. It's just a question you never thought to ask yourself before, and maybe there's an answer you didn't think possible before. Time, place, circumstance… it all forms the understanding we have of ourselves. And all those things are very different for you now. But until you're in that place, how could you know? Ray is just a new question that might have a new answer for you."
"I loved Anna." Ray said quietly, after a moment of silent contemplation.
Sara furrowed her brow a little. "You liking Nate doesn't take any of that away. It doesn't take Anna or Kendra or that heartbreak away. It just adds a new dimension. Me sleeping with Oliver didn't take away my first time with a girl, and Nyssa didn't take away Ollie. It's not… not about taking away or making insignificant. It's about adding. Kissing Nate and maybe being into it doesn't take away the love you've felt in the past. It doesn't erase your dreams with Anna or your passion for Kendra or any other little stirrings of feelings for anyone. I know it's weird and maybe even a little scary to think about, that it feels like a change— and it is, but not in the way you might worry about. For either of you— it isn't losing or changing or killing the 'old' you. You're still you. There's just always new dimensions to explore about being you."
"So… what do we do?" Ray asked after a moment, Sara's declarations floating in the air around each of their heads.
Sara shrugged. "I mean. Personally? I recommend picking a room and going to it. Relax and kiss again. Focus on how you feel and what you want. Maybe it was a fluke of the moment, but maybe it wasn't. Listen to your heartbeat and search for the thrill in your gut and go from there. Whether that leads you together or apart… it will lead you both forward for yourselves."