Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bucky was used to being accused of many things, but it was always either murder or any other violent act that could’ve only been enacted by a super soldier of his calibre . Being a hypocrite wasn’t something that got brought up in conversations about him, but that’s all he’s been called lately. The Congressman who had to step down in order to be a hero for the wrong side. At least, that’s what Sam called it. (Even after the entirety of the Void situation was explained to him.) 

“Look, Bucky I get it. You want to do right by these people but no offense, none of you are actually Avengers. You can’t be who the people look up to, but that’s not the real reason I’m upset here. I do think all of you deserve a chance at redemption in the eyes of the American people, but I hardly think you’ll get anything close to that here. I haven’t even had the chance to fully establish my team before Valentina took that from me and you’re just standing by her? I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised. Standing by in silence is kind of your thing. I- that was uncalled for. I’m sorry. But I’m going to keep going with this lawsuit. Finish what you chose not to go through with. That impeachment trial should’ve never ended and you had no right to step down purely because she told you to. You had the power to change so much yet- you didn’t. Help me understand this Bucky. Please, just call me back.” 

At least Sam left a voicemail, how considerate. It gave Bucky something to keep replaying and overthink to high hell, stare out his apartment window and miss yet another therapy session. It wasn’t court mandated this time, so it’s not like he’s going to get arrested for not going. Luckily, he's since gotten a new therapist and has felt much better in someone else’s hands. There have been so many times that Bucky has considered calling back, hell he’s even thought about just showing up at that Avengers compound and smoothing things over in person. But he just can’t bring himself to get up and go, let alone pick up the phone. Sam was right on all fronts, having Valentina be the face of anything Avengers related would not only be a disaster for future crises, but every other potential upcoming hero. But what the fuck was he supposed to do? Present to the court that they had little actual remaining evidence that Bob was experimented on when he volunteered himself in a country that couldn’t be tied to Valentina in any way? Especially since her public statement described that all she wanted to do was turn an “unfortunate circumstance” of his experimentation in another country as a chance for a new hero to emerge. Of course she had to have an airtight excuse to get out of manipulating Bob so he can be her lackey. Unfortunately manipulating other people isn’t exactly grounds to impeach someone in her position of power. 

Bucky’s one chance at cutting her strings over people was lost, and now most of his sole close relationships are severed. His boyfriend near fiance hasn’t spoken to him besides the odd text and phone call, at least privately. Professionally? That’s where things get ugly. Sure, Sam mainly dealt with Valentina because she’s the face of everything but he’s there to represent the team’s leader and on occasion that meant standing by her side. Like she’s his handler. Bucky thought he was done with shit like this, yet here he is, having to stand stoically and silently next to another powerful person holding his tongue. Except this time he had none of the grace of being just a ghost story, of there being to witnesses to be spoken of. Being an unknown, only handed from person to person in secret. He’s in the public eye and for all the wrong reasons, he’s recognized for so many things. The line in-between what he’s actually done and what he’s been framed for doing has blended a long time ago. That’s probably why Steve went to the past, he probably realized Bucky was a lifelong commitment and wanted to clock out when he could. (It wasn’t till the end of the line after all.) Which wasn’t too shocking, it’s not like Steve was the one who started it. 

Bucky’s quiet pondering is interrupted by Mel lightly tapping him on the shoulder as he’s brought back to reality, they’re both at yet another gala that Valentina put together just to brag that she’s still not in jail. Yet. Another chance to con people into funding things for her that’ll definitely be shady and incredibly under the table. She didn’t learn her lesson after the impeachment trial, she just got a lot better at hiding everything after the fact.

“Before you ask, no, Valentina isn’t asking for you. I actually wanted to talk to you alone and just my luck here you are, brooding by yourself.” Bucky wasn’t sure what to make of Mel, a young person aiding a terrible politician yet still had the bravery to at least pick up the phone more than once to warn him about upcoming events. People are a lot more complicated now, and he was just going to have to navigate and deal with it. So, he just politely nods at her and waits for her to elaborate. 

“Okay so, the lawsuit is going badly but you probably already knew that. What you might not have known is that Valentina is considering just handing the name over if Sam let her manage their team too.” Bucky groans, and once again ruins his styled hair by running his hand through it. 

“Of course she is. I’m guessing Sam shot that idea down quicker than she can even pitch it.” 

Mel’s slight laughter told him everything.

“Not only that, but he pointed out that it wasn’t even legal for her to be overseeing two hero teams. SHIELD enacted that law, and it’s hard to ignore something like that when you’re in the city the law was made. So, they’re back to the rough deliberating but you probably won’t be brought into court again. The judge ruled your presence as distracting and unnerving, like Valentina wanted you as her personal guard dog. Am I even allowed to call my own boss corny for doing that?” The last bit was mainly to herself. The guard dog comment was something Bucky saw from a mile away, but he doesn’t think Valentina will ever get to Hydra’s level of making him their actual guard dog. She’s bad but not quite at that level. 

“This is all going up shit creek and there’s not a damn thing that can be done about it. You know, I wouldn’t blame you for jumping ship. Going to work for Sam’s people. It’d be a smart career move.” Bucky feels his voice getting quieter when he’s making the offer, like he wants to make sure she doesn’t get in trouble for something he simply suggested. Mel just shrugs, something she did back when he offered her help. Back when he actually had leverage and a respectable standing with his boyfriend. 

“I’m shocked you haven’t jumped ship yet. Gone with that boyfriend of yours.”

Bucky finds himself shrugging this time, slightly tugging at his suit sleeves. Everything was suddenly so uncomfortable, hell even his metal arm felt more other than it usually does. 

“I’d have to be on talking terms with him for that.” Bucky wasn’t sure why he was admitting fault in front of Mel like this, but it’s not like he was going to lose anything he hasn’t already let himself lose. Thankfully, Mel doesn’t have much of an outward reaction to the information. The conversation is allowed to continue like nothing happened. 

“Valentina’s going to take advantage. Spread misinformation between the both of you.” Mel may be pointing out the obvious, but it certainly was something Bucky needed to hear in the moment. Despite being very aware of the oncoming threat, Bucky still has no idea how he’s going to handle it. He’s not exactly the best man to ask for a plan, that’s why Sam’s holding the shield and he’s never even wanted to touch the damn thing for too long. To be the man with the plan you have to at least start with a damn plan, and Bucky’s not exactly known for getting that far. 

“I always assume that’s her game, because despite being the worst she’s at least honest about it. Unlike you. So why don’t you tell me what in the hell do you want from me? You wanted to talk to me privately, well here we are. You haven’t said a single thing to warrant this privacy but drop some information I’m probably going to learn in the morning. The only cards Valentina holds close to her chest are violations to the Geneva Convention. Not little anecdotes on how she’s got even more ways to ruin my life. So what are you really here for?” Bucky doesn’t mean to be cross with her, but it was necessary. If Mel is going to incorporate herself in a world like this, then this is what she’ll need to get used to. Luckily, she doesn’t back down at the sudden shift in tone, but she does turn her gaze to the crowd of people, presumably looking for Valentina in the sea of people. 

“I wanted to check in on a team member, and I don’t exactly know any of the others. If I approached them here, our conversation would’ve eventually made a scene because they’d assume I was purely there to gain intel for Val. You on the other hand are a bleeding heart, and for some reason want to keep extending aid to me. So, you’re less likely to think I’m some double agent before actually having a civil conversation.” Valentina must be teaching her things, because Mel said everything and nothing at the same time. It wasn’t quite an answer to Bucky’s question, but she didn’t dodge him either. He hated how well she was adjusting to everything. So, he decided to pull the same shit back, considering he’s been around long enough to have played the game for long he’s forgotten to stop.

“I don’t have civil conversations, you and I both know that. But go ahead, keep your secrets. After all, we’re both just people in nice clothing being shown off by Valentina as trophies of her extensive power over others. Keep making her coffee and pretending like your role in this is so miniscule that you can eventually walk away with clean hands. Nothing ever works that way, especially in a field like this. So if I were you, I’d stop mingling and pretending like I’ve got both an out and cards to play.” Once again, Bucky knew he wasn’t being civil or nice in the slightest. But the man who was polite and charming died many times, strapped to a chair with only a mouthpiece as a buffer to the pain. This ends up being the straw that broke the camel’s back, and Mel is soon walking away to either report to Valentina what conversation they had, or get another drink from the open bar. Bucky guessed it’d be both. He goes outside for a smoke when of course, he runs into someone else before he could even get his pack of cigarettes out. The world just can’t let Bucky reset his social filter in peace, can it?

Joaquín gives a little wave, grinning like there’s not an obvious conflict of interest in them even casually talking to each other. But, since they are in public and this kid hasn’t really been a bother, Bucky decides to actually be civil for once. Bordering on politeness.

“Torres. I’m assuming you’re here to report back to the real good guys what’s happening on the other side of the pond?” Bucky can see the younger man grow nervous, which is a tell in itself that he’s right. 

“Listen, I think this can all end well if handled right. I mean, we can all be the good guys. I just think someone like Valentina should be a little further away from the stuff we do. Y’know?” It's quite obvious that Joaquín was nervous, but it wasn’t from the usual vibe Bucky gives off that can make just anyone a little skittish. It’s this innate need to make Sam proud that he’ll go through any lengths, certified or not to get that approval. Apparently that means talking to former assassins at a gala hosted by a corrupt politician in a suit that clearly makes him even more uncomfortable. He clearly was used to more straightforward field work, something Bucky was very familiar with. 

His suit’s also uncomfortable.

“I admire the optimism, and your efforts to try and get the family together will get recognized one day, I’m sure of it. It just won’t be today. There’s so much at play here that I refuse to get into wearing a goddamn bowtie, but just know that if I could end this right here and now I would. But there’s something stopping me, obviously. I am not exactly a man known for holding back so trust me when I say if I don’t make a shot on someone, you better believe there’s a damn good reason.” Bucky hates just how high strung this has made him, how depleted his social battery is despite having only spoken to two people at this party. As expected, Torres gains the kicked puppy look for two seconds before slipping back into a more confident mask. A mark of a good soldier.

“I work alongside Captain America, I’m afforded a little optimism every now and again. Just because you got your solo contract and found a new group does it mean you get to- I don’t know, give up? I’m sorry, there’s so much about this argument between you and Sam that I just don’t understand. Sure, neither of you know how to communicate. Fine. Whatever. But why are we dragging the Avengers into this-”

Joaquín is suddenly interrupted by the woman of the hour, but Mel wasn’t by her side this time. Odd. 

“I brought the Avengers into this kid, purely because your boss took too long. You have to be cutthroat in this business, and it helped that my guys actually saved the day. Proof of their usefulness right out the gate, I didn’t even need to spend a single dollar on marketing until after the announcement. Isn’t that fun? Y’know, our team can use a new flier. Ours isn’t too used to his wings yet, you’d be able to show him the ropes. Hell, I’ll even introduce you two on the house-” Before Joaquín could be roped into anything he was going to regret or be seen as a turncoat to the actual Avengers, Bucky steps in.

“Torres. I’d cut your little report back home short and just get out of here early. Before traffic gets too congested. The Avengers compound is pretty far from here, even with your wings. Take care of yourself out there, kid.” Valentina’s grin disappears as fast as it came as Bucky less than politely pats Joaquín on the shoulder and points him to the exit. Torres was a little confused, but figured the super soldier was being dead serious so he listened to the advice given and left. This left Bucky with the backlash, having to turn and see the very annoyed look on Valentina’s face that her sly manipulation tactic was so rudely interrupted. 

“Stop trying to get others involved with Bob to try and get Sentry back early. You’re already on Sam’s shit list, so if I were you I’d stop digging this hole you’ve dug even deeper for yourself. And before you throw it in my face, yes, I am also on Sam’s shit list. How else do you think I know so much about it? I am aware of my faults, I’ve lived long enough to do so. Therapy’s gotten me here, it’s given me tools to actually care about the people around me. I’d book an appointment if I were you.” Bucky knew he was going to regret snapping at her like this, but he was just fed up having to talk to all these people. He certainly was going to hole himself up in his apartment with his phone on airplane mode for about three days before making another public appearance, the case against Valentina be damned. 

To Bucky’s credit, Valentina herself looked at least a little scolded by the speech for about a split second before her usual front is back with a vengeance. “There’s that fire I was missing in the courtroom. Speaking of, I’ll miss you in there. Having you so close and at my disposal really showed me just why anyone ever kept you around. Scary enough to get people off your back, and strong enough to keep them down. They really did their absolute best with you, no wonder why there aren’t more of you. Why would you ever mess with perfection?” Bucky couldn’t even be grossed out by Val’s backhanded compliments, mostly because he’s heard a lot worse from his own subconscious calling him a disgusting lap dog on a good day.

“Makes sense you’d like the people who made me the way I am now. You seem like the type. Hell, if you played your cards right they might’ve even funded your promotion.” Bucky gives her a model smile before leaving her behind, aiming to just take an incredibly hot shower and only wake up when he feels the need to. The next thing he knows, Bucky’s in his apartment post shower, furiously drying his hair. He drags himself to his room and simply puts on a t-shirt and boxers. The moment he lets himself just fall on his bed, all the emotions from the day come back at once. He was exhausted beyond belief, but too wired to let everything go until the morning. 

Valentina openly mocking him, poor Joaquín thinking things were going to get better before they got worse. That didn’t even touch the naive bitterness that Mel manages to balance all at once. Too involved to truly be at Torres’ level of hope, but not so jaded that she would just approve of every decision her boss makes. It makes Bucky feel cold despite the warmth of his home knowing someone was letting themselves try and play both sides. As much as he wanted to be optimistic, he had to be realistic with himself and face the fact that Mel is not going to walk away from this unscathed. The worst part about it all, is that she wouldn’t even ask for help when things got down to the nitty gritty of it all. Bucky groans into his hands, hoping he can just grumble himself into a somewhat comfortable sleep, have no dreams whatsoever and pray to anything above that he wouldn’t be too uncomfortable or tired in the morning. It doesn’t work, so he goes to at least wash his face, get a snack with some water and watch a nature documentary before he either falls asleep or stays aware for so long his body does the sleeping for him. 

Bucky looks into his own reflection and sighs, before vigorously washing his face, trying to ignore how little he’s been gentle with himself tonight. When he looks back up at himself, he remembers all the times he’s had to wash all that black eyeliner off his eyes to look presentable enough for “handler’s company.” There was some sick part of him that almost misses that look, just disheveled enough that he doesn’t have to be maintained but pretty enough to be a tool worth keeping around without the mask constantly. He supposes this part of his trauma would come soon, missing things he damn well shouldn’t because of trauma blinders. He wonders if he can make a new hero personality for himself that’s not just the nickname everyone knows him by. It worked for Walker, so why can’t it for him?

Sure, it’ll feel weird not being “Bucky,” so weird that he quickly abandons the idea of a rebrand altogether. That’d be throwing Steve away, despite it being his choice to not be around anymore. God, he’s yet to really let himself think too deeply about Steve since he left. It was a choice, a decision split them up this time. There was no evil corporation or entity involved, Steve just wanted to leave. Bucky’s yet to actually process this, let alone accept it. There’s some inner part of him that’s pissed off. Especially since Steve would never have second doubts just dragging him out of hiding for whatever cause he wanted to fight for. He didn’t even really know what the Sokovia Accords were but there he was in that fight with essentially strangers. They all knew who he was though, which wasn’t fair. (A lot about that situation wasn’t unfair.) 

Bucky splashes another round of water on his face before he lets himself keep dwelling on the past and looks at the time. It’s not late. He could technically be a good boyfriend for once and call Sam back. Which is exactly what he did before he could talk himself out of it.

“Calling me from that expensive gala Valentina’s running? The one you told Joaquín to buzz off from?” Sam sounded mad but- not really. It was more so worried, which was a constant state from the man whenever Joaquín is involved and frankly Bucky can’t blame him. Young, scrappy and hungry usually means more scars in the long run, they both know that well. 

“I told Valentina to stop trying to bug him. That’s all. She was trying to get him in another one of her little schemes. She was trying to act friendly by introducing him to a team member of mine, but it was just to see if Joaquín can get her former test subject to go back to doing what she wants him to do.” Bucky stops himself from saying you’re welcome, they’re too unsteady to be joking like that with each other right now. 

“... I’ve read about that in the files you sent. The Sentry Project. Seems like real nasty stuff. It’s a good thing you’re doing, staying with him. I may not be a fan of you guys representing the Avengers name but at least you stick together more than the original team ever did.” It was such a genuine compliment from Sam that Bucky had to sit with it for a while to even believe it happened. 

“... Thanks. Means a lot to hear that from you. I just really want to do the right thing here, which is getting more and more confusing by the day. I’m being thrown in every direction and I just wish I was back in Wakanda, one arm and only herding sheep. Maybe fading into obscurity would’ve been good for me. All of this limelight is giving me hives, you’ve always been much better at this than me.”

Bucky sighs, and finds himself rambling before he can stop himself. Hell, he’s even pacing in his room. It’s been quite a while since he’s let himself just pace while he’s on the phone. 

“I don’t know why the fuck that impeachment trial failed so badly, or why I stopped Walker from just straight up shooting Valentina. Everything’s going to shit Sam, and I am nowhere near able to fix it. We’re a band of misfits with such bloody legers we can practically drown each other in blood spilled. But I can’t think of anywhere else for me to be right now, not when these people need me. We’re all trying to be better people, not for reputation’s sake but each other. Alexei’s Yelena and Natasha’s dad, fun fact. He’s a jolly guy, a little weird but no one with the serum running through their veins isn’t-”

“Bucky. James. You’re rambling and I don’t even need to be there to know you’re pacing. Sit down, take a breather. These people mean a lot more to you than I realized. I might’ve let myself get blinded by how each of you have a lengthy leger that I didn’t realize there’s plenty of reasons why it’s that long. But I can’t stop this lawsuit, y’know? Captain America has to lead the Avengers, those are just the rules. But it’s never been personal, I never meant to push you away like any of this was worth putting a strain on our relationship. It just kind of happened, I slipped too deep into work. I mean, we both did. Clearly. We’re workaholics in the worst way. So, I’m gonna extend an olive branch and visit you and that new team of yours. That sound good?”

Bucky finds himself smiling, being a little more than happy that despite their distance Sam still knows how to center him. This was good, but he still felt that weird hollowness inside. He chooses to ignore it at least until the call ends. 

“I’d love that. You get to meet Bob in person, and get to see just how chaotic a towerful of former assassins and misfits is like. I’ve missed you, hun.” Bucky’s never been the sap for pet names despite coming from an era where they were spoken more than people’s actual names but with Sam they were so personal. Something only spoken between them when they were in private, to further cement their connection is theirs alone. There’s silence on the other end until-

“Save the sweet talking until we’re face to face Barnes. But yes, I’ve missed you too. Love you, and goodnight.” Before Sam hangs up, Bucky forces himself to say it back, a simple, “love you too,” but it was enough that he can sleep peacefully tonight. Or, at least try. Bucky feels good after the phone call until he doesn’t, and suddenly he’s nauseous and much more anxious than he was before. 

Why in the world does Sam still want to be his boyfriend after everything? 

Bucky finds himself in front of his bathroom mirror before he can stop himself. He looks a lot more disheveled and stressed out than before, and in a weird, sick way it makes him smile. When he’s at his worst, he’s had to think of his imperfections the least. He’s laughing despite there not being a good reason to, then he’s crying. Soon, he’s doing both. He breaks his bathroom sink, but hardly acknowledges it. Why focus on anything? Sure, things are going good and he had a surprisingly civil conversation with Sam but he knows his rot will set in again, they’ll go back to not talking and once again it’ll be his fault. It always is, Sam doesn’t have his innate rot. He’s actually good, something he never really learned how to be. His former handlers didn’t think it was imperative to program goodness into him, even if the trigger words don’t work, he still feels that same terrible feeling inside whenever anything good happens to him. There was no possible way he could keep something so good, especially someone so kind like Sam. 

Sure, they’ve been going for this long but would it really last? It was a toss up and made Bucky nauseous. He didn’t care that his therapist calls it “self-destructive behavior” after being so used to being granted nothing that he’s started to expect he deserves nothing. This all feels way too real to not be right, and it’s starting to hurt laughing so much, especially while crying the way he is. Luckily, he lives alone so it’s not like anyone is seeing him break down like this-

“Good god, I knew you were bad but I did not expect this Barnes.” Living alone does not make him immune to Yelena breaking into his apartment, so it seems. He can only try and clean his face with a towel and shyly look over at her. She’s gently crouched next to him, staring with her usual kindness.

“... What brings you to my neck of the woods? Also, people normally call ahead before sudden visits like this.” Bucky hates how weak his voice is.

“Valentina kept bringing you up, I needed to make sure she didn’t secretly do something to you. Jury is still out on that one. So here I am, graciously using my time to be your babysitter. You’re welcome.” Bucky sighs, running his hand through his hair. Yelena’s concern is nice, but he wasn’t sure if he was in the greatest mindset to accept it, let alone be talking to anyone at all. He was in such a rot-like mood he was probably going to say a lot of things he would soon regret.

“... Yelena, do you think I can just go back to killing people? But, for a good reason this time. I’m good at nothing else, god knows I’ve tried to deviate career paths. But it’s not working and people like Valentina are getting away with shit Hydra would be jealous of. It’s driving me up a wall. I need direct orders to fix things, make sure everything she broke gets mended. Please, I need this-”

Bucky was shocked when Yelena slapped his forehead. She looked determined yet alarmed, like she was trying to determine what to do and who to tell on the fly. Bucky knew the moment she went off by herself she was going to be making quite a few calls, but it would be coming from a good place. She is the glue holding the team together, after all. Even if she’d deny it if you said it in front of her. That doesn’t stop Alexei from trying. 

“Yeah, no. We’re not going down that road. I’m glad I came, you were not fit to be alone like this. Alright, I’m sleeping on the couch Sam forced you to buy. I don’t trust you alone right now. And Sam is going to hear about that weird idea of yours to deal with Valentina, and you will tell or I’m taking it upon myself to do it. Your choice. Also, you’re staying in the tower until that sink gets fixed. You, Walker and Bob can go back to those Mario Party nights, it’ll be great for everyone.” Yelena is ever so stern, but it’s from a place of concern as it usually is. All Bucky can do is just nod in shame and allow himself to be taken care of in a way. Or at least, acknowledges that he’s not in the best mindset to be alone. 

Chapter Text

Bucky knew he should probably feel more guilty for abandoning his little “house arrest” in the tower arranged by a concerned Yelena but- he couldn’t just stay there. Surrounded by concern he only wanted to believe was scrutiny, so he did what he did best. Disappear. Found a quaint little farmer’s market with some spare cash and mingled a little before finding a nice corner to sit in and enjoy the fresh fruit and food he got. The weather might be overcast, but there was something just pretty about it that made being outside to be more bearable than normal. Now, this didn’t mean he was going to skip Sam going to the tower, he’s got an alarm ready for that so he can show up at the tower right when Sam scheduled that he’d get there. So, this may be a temporary venture but it was freedom enough to breathe by himself, and not face the reality that his mental health has declined so much that other people were starting to notice. Sure, it was an asshole move to Yelena but at the end of the day, it gave him a little more freedom than he had before. At least, that’s what Bucky’s telling himself this is doing. His pondering is interrupted by his phone buzzing, but it wasn’t the alarm. It was a text message from, you guessed it, Yelena.

Running away from your problems. Real original.

Bucky was shocked to find out she texted so formally, but then again he’s not much different. Ever since he ditched the flip phone, he’s gotten much more articulate in the way he texts people. 

I’m a grown man. I am getting air and fresh fruit. Let me be. But I appreciate you for checking in on me.

Bucky sighs, because frankly he knew Yelena was being much more patient than he deserved, especially with the mess he made of himself in front of her. Yet, he still wanted to act like what happened wasn’t that big of a deal, and that him doing this wasn’t the dick move that it was. He also knew the fruit comment wasn’t going to translate that he went out of his way to reside in some obscure farmer’s market in the early morning just so he wouldn’t be found or followed. Unsurprisingly, Yelena was quick to text back.

Fine. Just get here when Sam does and I will at least pretend you are okay in front of him. 

Bucky sighs, running his hand through his hair like Yelena’s text personally offended him. It didn’t, purely because she was doing him a favor. Still, a selfish part of him was offended; she even brought up his less than ideal release of emotions that will end in a hefty sink repair. Although, knowing him, he’s probably going to do everything himself despite him not exactly being tight on money. He just didn’t want the awkward explanation to the repair people on just how it broke the way it did. With his phone fully put away, Bucky decided to just immerse himself in the environment around him, just settling into the peace the early morning brings. The farmer’s market was a beautiful mix of crowded and empty, enough people that he can be lost in the crowd but not so many that he gets overwhelmed by the amount. A sweet spot he could definitely appreciate, and it made him glad he left the tower in the first place. Hell, he can even bring some fresh fruit and make something with it when Sam gets there. Maybe sweeten the mood before things inevitably go downhill when Yelena brings up his momentary lapse that ended in an unfortunate broken sink. Or, the real reason he was staying at the tower and not his own apartment. But for the moment, Bucky was just going to nurse the coffee he got from one of the many food trucks posted around the market, a peppermint mix that was just enough to make him only focus on the flavor, and not the various amounts of his own problems he’s ignoring. Conversations can always be had later, coffee is only warm for so long. A terrible mentality to have but judging by the broken sink, Bucky wasn’t exactly going to be making the best choices with his own mental health. He then devotes some of his time just journaling when he sees someone sitting in the chair in front of him, looking almost frantic but doing his best to hide it. 

“Alright so, let me introduce myself first. I’m the honorary Sorcerer Supreme, the name’s Wong. I want to know for the safety of everyone here if you are here on Winter Soldier business-” Quite the introduction, but Bucky wasn’t exactly offended by the assumption. He was just by himself at a table away from the crowd at a farmer’s market in the early morning, with no real good reason to be here. 

“Not here to kill anyone, I’m not that guy anymore. Just Bucky, but uh, nice to meet you Wong. Good to know you’ve got this farmer’s market locked down and protected with a-” Bucky pauses to read the other man’s coffee label.

“Pumpkin spice latte.” Bucky finds himself smiling at Wong’s reaction, how the other man is suddenly using his hand to cover the label without actually burning himself from how hot the drink is.

“... I obviously wasn’t the only one who took advantage of the year round seasonal drinks Barnes. But you don’t need to be the soldier to still be around to kill someone. You’ve been associated with Valentina, and she’s bad news. But clearly you’re not here to do her dirty work, which is good. I’d hate for things to get ugly this early in the morning, I haven’t even stretched yet to do any strenuous spells.” Bucky finds himself laughing softly at what Wong’s saying despite having just met the man. He wondered how it felt being so pleasant that even the first meeting can be this smooth. He didn’t think he’d actually be getting along with a sorcerer, especially with Doctor Strange’s reputation, but luckily Wong seems much easier to talk to. 

Bucky didn’t even mind that Wong thought he was there to complete a hit out for Valentina. He’s been accused of worse on a much larger scale.”Yeah, no, I’m just here as Bucky. I might be off the beaten path here but hey, it’s nice. Quiet. Somewhere I won’t be questioned as a congressman while trying to have a moment to myself. I still have no idea why anyone would write my name on any official ballot but hey- they did.” Bucky actually hears himself laughing, but stops when he sees how shocked Wong is, then he looks vindicated.

“I fucking knew it, you were a write in. Stephen wanted so badly to convince me you at least campaigned once, but I swore up and down you didn’t. He told me that you had people funding your career and I had no idea why anyone would fund someone who probably has killed a president before. No offense, just a conspiracy theory I have.” Wong was animated as he talked, and Bucky found himself just taking it in, almost relieved to have someone so just sure of who they were around him. It also helped that the other man was genuinely pleasant to be around, and was pretty funny in an effortless way. 

“Something tells me the mythical Sanctum has trouble in paradise, about my political career of all things. But yes, you were right. I did take out at least one president.” Bucky laughs as Wong visibly celebrates with a fist bump, but calms down when he attracts a small amount of attention to himself he probably wasn’t expecting. 

“God, I probably look like an asshole. Celebrating the death of a president like that. But uh, I was right that’s all that matters.” Bucky decided he really likes this Wong guy, with how effortlessly himself he can be despite having just met him, not only that but after being suspected of foul play. Wong thought he was there to assassinate one person and get rid of the witnesses but here they were, chatting like they’ve spoken many times before.

“At least you get to tell that Doctor Strange guy what for. What is that guy really like? I only knew him briefly from Thanos stuff, and even then we didn’t interact one on one.” Bucky almost hates bringing the other sorcerer up, but he was curious. 

Wong huffs, but doesn’t actually look too mad Bucky brought him up, it was a frustration that felt like even thinking of the other man annoyed him. Like even the mental picture of him was infuriating. “He certainly acts like a man with his college experience, that’s for sure. Word of advice Bucky, never hang around really good doctors. They are so annoying about knowing much more than you do. God, do they remind you of it all the time. He might as well have stapled his PhD to his head for- I’m not going to spend this entire time complaining about him. That’s exactly what he’d want me to do.”

Bucky can’t help but laugh slightly under his breath, not at Wong of course, but at the earnest way he described the other man. It gave him a clear enough picture to at least guess the man was a smart alek. Which, considering the dramatic name of Stephen Strange, he was almost certain the man was born to be insufferable. 

So, he and Wong spoke for a lot longer after that until the sorcerer had to go, apparently the Sanctum needs much more maintenance so it doesn’t fall back into a winter wonderland. They do exchange numbers, which Bucky saw as a small win. This was physical evidence Bucky needed to leave the tower this morning, because he’s got one more contact in his phone. This shows he’s not the same loner he was when he was forced to bear that court mandated therapist. (He was convinced she was just some officer sent to make sure he didn’t relapse back into evil, HYDRA work for the sake of the US government or some other bullshit like that, she wasn’t exactly interested in being a real therapist during that time.) That left Bucky to be alone again, which he didn’t exactly mind. He had gone out of his way to be alone after all, despite the very pleasant reprieve he got from solitude. At least this time, it's voluntary. He can have some pretty scenery as he describes in somewhat okay detail to his journal that he made a friend today like some teenage girl. 

Which wasn’t exactly a bad thing, considering his very small circle of friends of people who know him only became friends with him because he attacked them first and he had to win them over afterwards. (Bucky couldn’t even say that, considering how cold and detached he even is with people he’s trying to convince that no, he is not going to attack them like that again.) Hell, this was even the case with his new teammates. He needed to convince the group there wasn’t going to be a round two, that he wasn’t going to destroy another one of Alexei’s taxis or tie them up like that. Ava was the most pissed off about that, weirdly enough. It was probably the specific cuffs she couldn’t phase out of, which in hindsight Bucky did feel bad about getting to know her. But finally, Bucky got to acquaint himself with someone he didn’t aim a gun at first, it felt nice. But here he is, showing his age like the elder he is sipping a coffee and journaling about adding a new name and number to his phone’s contacts, which was pretty big for him. His casual, quiet morning was interrupted again but not in the way he thought it would. An unknown number texted him. Normally, he would’ve ignored something so ambiguous but considering he was doing nothing else, he’d give it some attention. 

After all, who doesn’t love a fun wrong number story?

It’s been a while. 

Vague, but certainly something Bucky can work with. Maybe playing along will get him information.

Has it? Time’s fickle, at least to me.

Not some of Bucky’s best work, but he had no clue who this mystery person thought they were talking to or how they normally text. So vague would have to be the norm before he gets a good grasp on who’s on the other end. There’s a period of silence where Bucky is patiently waiting, just staring at the three bubbles before the next text is sent through. 

You’ve never sounded like this, but I guess I’ve changed a lot too. Time has gotten to the both of us, but it hasn’t. Everything is so weird.

Bucky was kicking himself, because the mystery person was fighting fire with fire and was just being vague back. He was down to play ball, but things were beginning to sound emotional and he didn’t want to interfere in anything serious just to have a funny story to tell the team. But regardless, Bucky was invested and couldn’t exactly end the conversation now. 

We live in the era of superheroes. Things get weird, you just have to live around it. Now, why are you reaching out? Really. And from an unknown number, no less?

Being this direct wasn’t exactly what Bucky had planned, but he needed to know purely so he wasn’t accidentally fucking up some deep emotional reunion just because he wanted to get some drama from other people’s lives. The response takes a while, which makes Bucky feel more like an asshole for stringing this poor person on for so long when in reality it was just a wrong number. The response made Bucky suddenly feel much more on edge than he did before, leading him to believe this was probably much more than a wrong number.

Secrecy is probably the best front for me right now, you just wouldn’t get it. There’s so many things on my mind but, I’ll keep them to myself. These screens separating us feel so weird but- I just needed to speak with you, at least in any capacity I was allowed. I can’t exactly share why I’m texting like this, but I can assure you, I didn’t get the wrong number. You are exactly who I wanted to speak with. 

Bucky hates how he suddenly starts looking around, as if he’s going to suddenly find whoever’s been texting him. He hasn’t felt dread like this since his last run in with Hydra, and he’s really not a fan. This better not be some Hydra agent who thinks just because he’s become a politician himself that he can be so easily brought back to his old ways. The trigger words don’t work anymore, but it’s not like he’s willing to walk right into whatever traps they lay. He may be free from the Winter Soldier, but he’s not stupid. He needed to stick with the same vagueness and hope that the other person gets frustrated enough that they accidentally reveal information about themselves just to get Bucky to take the conversation more seriously. Well, here’s to hoping. 

A lot of poetic wording just to tell me you’re using a burner phone. Also, I’m flattered you’d go through such lengths just to speak with me. It’s nice to meet a fan. I’d sign something for you, but we’re not in person. It wouldn’t be sincere.

It feels almost like a dick move, playing the celebrity card when Bucky knows damn well he’s not exactly the type to have fans. At least, for the right reasons at least. The New Avengers and his little hero work besides that didn’t grant him that much levity from the general public that he could be considered that much of a positive celebrity, despite what PR Valentina is currently trying to push for each team member. But, he had to play his cards right with this possible Hydra agent, or else he might be in some serious trouble. At that moment, Bucky was grateful that it was getting a little later in the morning, so the farmer’s market had a little more people than it did when he got there. Which means, he’s probably much safer in public than by himself. Then again, Hydra was never too shy to make a scene in a crowded area like this when it came to getting what they really want. 

There was one thing Bucky was sure of, he’s never been this glued to his phone in public. Especially over a text conversation of all things.

You’re still so damn witty. I don’t know if I should be pissed off or amused. Oh, how I missed this. God, why did I ever give it up? We aren’t even face to face yet things are going so smoothly, like they usually do with us.

Bucky feels like a teenage girl again with how he’s intently staring at a text message, trying to discern what it could mean, what this person really meant by that. Whoever’s on the other end clearly either thinks they have a much deeper emotional connection than they really do, or even worse, they do and it’s someone from Bucky’s past. Considering he’s well above a hundred years old, there’s not exactly a long list of good, solid people from Bucky’s past that are still around that would vaguely text like this. So, despite having a plan on how to get more information, Bucky wasn’t exactly feeling the most confident in how this exchange was going for him. God, if only this was just a silly wrong number situation instead of this dumpster fire. He was almost tempted to not text back, to see if the other person got desperate and snapped with any information he might not know, but he was too curious not to send a response.

I’m a catch, not sure why you’d let me go. But forgive me, I can’t look through the phone and you aren’t in my contacts. So tell me secrecy, who am I to you? Why should I even keep this conversation going? From where I stand, I don’t know you. I have no reason to keep replying, hell, I can even block this number and think nothing of it. 

Bucky felt confident about this message all until he got a response, which made his stomach drop purely because it was so quick. 

Yet here we are, still speaking.

The pompous energy seeping from the message made Bucky cringe and slightly sweat, because most of his former handlers in Hydra were pretty pompous people, superiority complexes galore, and various other things he didn’t care to get into. This person was sounding more and more dangerous by the second, and it made Bucky wish that he could get at least one normal day to himself. That he could’ve just gone back to the tower on the note that he made a new friend, not be knee deep in this drama that might tie him to Hydra again despite all the shit he’s been through already because of those people. Luckily, the other person texts again so Bucky doesn't have to muster up a response while he’s already so heated and frustrated things have turned this bad already. 

Tell me Bucky, why must you always need to know everything right when things are happening? What happened to enjoying a good mystery? A puzzle doesn’t put itself together, y’know. But, if you must get answers from me then I can give them. The only thing you need to do is meet me at these coordinates. That farmer’s market is looking too crowded for my tastes. 

Bucky was in full panic mode now, and he suddenly forgets about his entire schedule, the fruit, but he does chug the rest of his coffee before he slams said coordinates in his phone. Of course, it was a much more secluded spot by some docks. Everything shady happens over there, apparently. He just hoped he wasn’t right about to walk into a Hydra trap, despite having told himself that was the very thing he’s trained himself to avoid. Nevertheless, Bucky finds himself actually following the trail of breadcrumbs this mystery person left just so he knows firsthand who suddenly got his phone number and who was emotionally stringing him along with some of the most concerning vague dialogue he’s seen in a while. Bucky can feel his shoulders were much too tense for his vibranium arm to not hurt at least a little, but that so far was the least of his worries. The moment he reaches the dock, he can’t even appreciate the beauty of the ocean next to him because he sees an open storage crate and he ever so gently peeks into it to see several lights and a note in the middle. After much inspection, nothing was rigged to set off an alarm or explode so he gently unwraps the note, wondering who in the world in his past was so obsessed with mysteries and leaving a trail of breadcrumbs opposed to being direct. 

“God, where do I begin? I’ve missed you a lot more than I thought I would. You might not believe it but, I do. I thought that letting you go would give me a chance at something resembling normal but I guess I lost my love for that years ago. I pulled some strings, burned some bridges but here I am. Well, we aren’t back together just yet. It’s my fault we were ever separated in the first place, and I’m sorry for ever putting you through that at all. I don’t know why I ever thought distance would fix anything, I guess I let others get in my head and guide my choices before I ever truly thought about fixing my own problems my way.”

A lot of the letter was scratched out rather aggressively in pen, so he couldn’t read it until the end. 

“We’ll see each other again, old friend.”

Those were the only legible parts of the letter Bucky could actually read, and it didn’t inspire any confidence this could be anything good. On the back of the letter was a second set of coordinates that weren’t far from where he was standing. Bucky was two seconds away from inputting it into his phone when more lights were being activated in the storage container and someone was shutting the door. Turning around Bucky was met by someone who most definitely wasn’t supposed to be there, or anywhere for that matter smiling like nothing happened after Thanos. 

Steven Grant Rogers standing so casually leaning on the wall of a storage container like the only thing he did after Thanos was go into hiding, not go back in time. Like there isn’t an entirely new Captain America, or even worse he had no idea about Walker and what he did with his former shield.  

“Don’t ask who that old man was, I don’t even really know, but he told Sam to carry the shield. That’s what matters. That Walker mess was a bit rough to watch but hey- it all worked out in the end without me even needing to lift a finger, so that’s good!” Steve’s casualness honestly scared the living hell out of Bucky, which is what wipes the smile off of Steve’s face. 

“You’re scared of me. Why? I’m finally back-”

Bucky snaps before he could stop himself. “You were supposed to be gone. I coped like you left, like you died. So much has happened to me since then Steve. I’m practically a different person, I- I’ve got things to do today Steve. A life! You can’t just do this to me. I’ve established my life without you, this isn’t even remotely fair to me that you’ve decided to suddenly insert yourself back in my life.” Bucky hates how much he sounds like he’s begging for this ghost to stop haunting him.

Steve looks almost upset now, which did not help Bucky’s nerves in the slightest. “Buck-”

Bucky can’t help but flinch at the nickname usage, but Steve keeps going. “I’ve been so proud of the way you’ve become your own hero aside from all the labels Hydra gave you, but I couldn’t stay away despite all my attempts to divert my attention from you. Look, when I left I thought being in the past would set me straight, get you off my mind. It’s terrible but I was obsessing over you, it wasn’t good for either of us. I- I didn’t even make it to the past. My cover quickly fell apart when people realized that the old man you and Sam spoke to wasn’t me, so I figured instead of facing the consequences of my lies I’d just go into hiding which wasn’t my classiest moment, not going to lie. I’ve been making myself scarce ever since, and setting this up. You’re the only one who knows I’m still around, other than those SHIELD people who knew I lied. They’ve been keeping things under wraps, luckily for me. Things would get really awkward if any of them decided to talk.”

Steve looked so sure of himself but Bucky’s never felt more lost in his life. He didn’t think the person he watched grow up essentially would end up like this, never in a million years. He missed the person he was before he even indulged in that text message, hell he even wished it was just some wrong number he got to fuck with. Anything would be better than this. Steve’s story was supposed to have ended after Thanos, that he ran off into the sunset with Peggy, a few kids and that picket fence life he supposedly yearned for. This put a wrench in a lot of things, and certainly didn’t do any favors for Bucky’s mental state. 

“... Be honest with me Steve. Did you spend all this time, since Thanos, essentially stalking me?” Bucky feels sick when the only answer he gets is a nod and an expression that showed Steve he was pretty proud of himself; he hasn't gotten noticed even slightly during that entire time. 

“I can’t believe you spent all that time stalking me, feeding your little obsession with me thinking that was the best way to keep your distance from me. You probably know so much about my life now and I don’t even recognize you anymore. Steve, who did you let yourself become? Oh god, what if you were like this the whole time, but I never let myself believe it?” Bucky hates how the dynamic cemented in near stone between them has suddenly shattered and become unrecognizable, and how Steve is looking at him in a way that didn’t make him feel good anymore. At least he had the know-how to look a little ashamed of his actions. 

“... The stalking was low, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for things to get that dark. I mean- I did. I shouldn’t lie to you, not when we’ve finally reunited properly. I just- I wanted to keep you a constant in my life. I would’ve done anything to do that, and at the end of the day that’s a problem. I knew I couldn’t just-”

Steve pauses, like any of this could possibly get any worse. It made Bucky afraid of just how far off the deep end his old friend has gone. Thankfully, his phone suddenly starts going off, indicating Sam’s calling him. The overachiever must’ve gotten to the tower a lot earlier than intended and was wondering where he was. Steve almost looked offended that Bucky’s phone was going off, that anyone could possibly want to interrupt this moment. Regardless, Bucky answers. This was the one person he really wanted to see, to just be in the presence of. For a moment, he can just pretend Steve is back in Sam’s arms. Sure, he’ll have to face the music eventually, but he’s never missed his boyfriend’s touch more than he has in that moment. 

“Y’know, I gave an olive branch by coming by the tower, so where are you-”

“I love you. I really do, love you so much Sam. You have no idea how much I appreciate you, and how much you’ve tolerated my bullshit and continue to tolerate the nonsense I’ve allowed to start. I don’t want to be what stresses you out anymore, I love you too much.” Bucky didn’t know why he was crying, but he was. This must be so scary to hear without any context, but it's not like he could stop himself. Not with everything being so damn overwhelming. As expected, not knowing where one’s boyfriend is and the first contact is porfuse sobbing with declarations of love isn’t exactly the most pleasant thing to hear. 

“I- I love you too Buck, but, I need to know if you’re safe. Where are you? Need me to come and get you? I’ll get in full Cap gear to get you, Just tell me where. Hell, I’ll even bring your team if that’ll help. I didn’t think everything got to you this bad I- I’m sorry. We both strayed too far from each other, and I want to fix that as soon as possible. Just tell me where you are baby,”

The moment Bucky looked over at Steve, he was gone and the door was open again. It was both comforting and concerning, but it wasn’t something Bucky would dwell on. He knew Steve wouldn’t stay away forever, but this small moment without him would do wonders. He exists the container, and flinches at the natural sunlight shining directly in his eyesight. He takes a deep breath, collecting himself before answering his boyfriend. 

“Something happened Sammy. I- I’ll meet you back at the tower. I will be okay, but I don’t want to distance myself from you again. I’ve missed you, a lot. I don’t know why it took today for me to realize that fully but here we are. I’m bringing some fresh fruit from a farmer’s market. We can make some of that peach cobbler Walker keeps talking to me about.” Bucky tries steadying himself in a much calmer mindset and not focus on what just happened, or who he just spoke to. Sam thankfully is understanding enough that the conversation topic switches from why he wasn’t there to more mundane topics. 

Bucky really didn’t want to think too deeply about the extent of Steve’s stalking, not wanting to even ponder once why he didn’t notice it even once. Those were all things he was going to worry about later, much later. For now, he was going to shop at a farmer’s market, get peaches, and take a cab back to the tower and hopefully he would have collected himself enough that he’s not a complete mess when he sees the others. Maybe moving into the tower is a much smarter move than he expected, cause Steve can’t exactly stalk him there without being noticed, can he?

Chapter Text

Bucky only came back to himself when he felt Sam guide him to sit on the couch in the tower’s common room, as he heard John thank him for the peaches. At least he didn’t forget those. The rest of the team joined Walker in the kitchen, giving him and Sam space in an act that was uncharacteristic of them, especially considering how everyone likes to be “informed” of each other’s struggles. It was a kind way of saying that each Thunderbolt was way too nosey not to eavesdrop on each other’s drama. But apparently today was serious enough that they’ll skip out on it to give the couple some space. Which was good, considering what just happened and Bucky didn’t want the list of people knowing Steve’s back to be very long. He wasn’t sure what his former friend would do if a lot of people found out. 

“... So, something happened at the farmer’s market. I’ll give you all the time you need, but I don’t know about those team members of yours so I’d speak your truth now.” Sam slightly jokes, but he was mostly serious. He knows more than anyone that Bucky shuts down in group settings revealing the nitty gritty feelings. So, getting something out of him now rather than later was better. Because of this, Bucky decided to rip the bandaid off now before he psyched himself out so much that he just keeps this bottled up until the truth reveals itself later. 

“... Steve didn’t really go to the past. He’s been essentially stalking me this entire time. We met face to face, hell he admitted to the shit. Can you believe it? I asked if he’s been doing it and he said yes. To my face. Sam, I didn’t recognize him anymore. That wasn’t the same kid I nursed back to health after the scarlet fever, oh my god, what did that damn serum do to him,” Bucky didn’t realize he was sobbing until he was gathered in Sam’s arms, his anchor to stop him from fully sinking into these feelings. This was a lot to dump on a person, but Sam’s tough. He can carry the shield, which means he can hold a super soldier up on the verge for a little while. Time passes, until Bucky can breathe on his own again as he wipes his face with the tissues Sam graciously gives him. 

“So he lied to all of us, for what? I- nevermind. You don’t have to explain any of his actions, they were inexcusable. None of it was on you either Buck, I don’t want to see you blame yourself for his downfall. He probably was on his way to becoming this long before you could’ve seen it coming. Hell, you were dealing with your own shit. It wasn’t your responsibility to patch your own wounds and take inventory of his. Also, I doubt the serum did that to him. Something in Steve was probably already like that, and he just got more confident over time to actually be the way he’s always been inside. Giving up the shield probably let him realize he didn’t need to act a certain way all the time, hold himself back. Unfortunately you were a victim of his newfound freedom, but that doesn’t give him an excuse to stalk you. There’s no excuse for doing that shit, it's gross and weird no matter how long you’ve known each other. I need you to know that.”

Bucky sometimes forgets Sam is an educated man when it comes to emotions and how people work, especially veterans. It's moments like this that are a pleasant reminder that he’s with someone who really knows their shit. Bucky didn’t know how much he needed to hear that none of this was on him, that Steve probably would’ve fallen from grace all on his own, even if he wasn’t in the picture. He would’ve been tailing someone else with the same amount of enthusiasm. And who knows, maybe giving up the shield did give him the confidence to outwardly be not so good of a guy. It still wasn’t a nice thought considering most of Bucky’s fond memories of Steve were gently cradling him through an asthma attack and praying to a higher being he didn’t really believe in to save his boy from his own body and circumstances. That after he got drafted, guardian angels would save his boy from his ailments when he wasn’t there to do so. (What has his boy become?) 

Thankfully, Sam is ever so patient with him, as he always is. When Bucky collects himself, he can think straight enough to talk and not just reminisce and wish he could understand what happened to his Steve, what the world did to him when he wasn’t there to protect him from just saying yes to everything purely because he desperately wanted to be included. To be seen as important and not some sickly burden he always saw himself as back then.

“I want to say I blame myself but I don’t even know how. I want to blame someone for how he turned out, I know that for a fact. I want to point fingers at that damn serum, but I know deep down it saved his life. Doctors said he didn’t have long, but I’d spit in their faces, sometimes literally. I didn’t want to ever look at Steve like he had a limited amount of time, especially since he was so full of life, despite every diagnosis. I wanted to make sure he was okay, even if he didn’t care if he was or not himself. I wanted to be his anchor, then suddenly he got the serum and I went missing, both times. Everything just went to shit after that, and I was the one needing that anchor. I must’ve forgotten Steve still needed an anchor throughout everything, and he must’ve drifted so far I stopped being able to reach him-” Bucky jolts when Sam suddenly, but ever so gently, covers his mouth with his hand, gently silencing him. 

“You just talked yourself into blaming yourself. Congratulations. But I’m not about to listen to that shit. None of this was your fault, because no offense, Steve Rogers is a grown ass man. He was a grown man even back then, just because he was frail doesn’t mean he wasn’t capable. You taking care of him never was a bad thing, but it certainly wasn’t good that you thought everything about him hindered on if you were able to pull him out of the darkness. Both of you are both so damn self deprecating for no reason, sometimes bad things happen to good people. No amount of cradling that man through the flu could’ve saved him from his own inner demons, trust me. I know it hurts to hear, but you were never really responsible for Steve Rogers. He was responsible for his own damn self, and knew exactly what he got into when he wanted to become your anchor after the Winter Soldier mess. Which, I’ll be honest, even I didn’t believe in your rehabilitation. I was a skeptic, sue me. But he was so sure we could get you back, which in hindsight was probably the start of his obsession with you. So don’t kick yourself thinking you did something to set that man off. It wasn’t on you, like I said before. I mean, shit from what I’ve heard he left Tony behind in that old HYDRA base for you after that big fight. That’s devotion if I’ve ever seen it. Things have just gotten sour, he’s lost sight of what it means to be devoted in a way that’s healthy for both parties.” 

Bucky feels himself nodding, but he actually means it. Everything does hurt, sure, but it was also freeing in a sick way. To know Steve was probably spiraling long before he could’ve done anything about it, that he doesn’t have to carry the burden of being the reason Steve Rogers fell from grace. He could see from the edge of his eyes that John was standing there with a finished peach cobbler awkward as the rest of the team stood beside him, a lot less shameful about only being there to hear about the drama. Gods bless Walker, he really could put the cobbler down instead of awkwardly standing with it but he’s committed to just standing there with it and Bucky’s much too distracted by feelings to even consider making fun of him for it. 

Thankfully, they at least had the decency to listen in silence, none of them overly emoting or looking at each other for reactions, just respectfully listening. At least, as respectful as you can get with eavesdropping. 

Even though it wasn’t even eavesdropping considering they were sitting in the common room but still. Bucky just hoped this was a group he could trust with the knowledge of Steve being back without being worried they’d do something rash about it. (He didn’t even want to think about what their real thoughts are when it got to the stalking aspect of everything.) Bucky turns back to Sam, and even lets himself lean on the other man’s shoulder. 

“... I don’t deserve you Sam, but I’m happy you choose to be with someone like me even after everything we’ve been through. I mean, I don’t even blame you for not believing I could be rehabilitated after the shit the Winter Soldier put you through. You weren’t even originally involved yet I still nearly killed you all the same. God, I put your ass through the ringer, didn’t I? I did a number on those original Falcon wings.” Bucky let the conversation get a little more lighthearted, purely because the others were confirmed to be listening and he’s been vulnerable enough today. He might open up a little tomorrow in therapy if he feels like going. 

Thankfully, Sam accepts the mood change as he laughs, slapping Bucky’s shoulder playfully before kissing their cheek, embodying their very dynamic perfectly. “I wouldn’t trade it for anything else, but you’re right about one thing. You are damn lucky to have me, now I need to know how you make peach cobbler Walker, cause I’ve had my fair share throughout the years. I want to see how a Georgia white boy does it-” Bucky lets himself be pulled into the normalcy of the situation, but before he fully zones out he gives Yelena a nod, basically thanking her for checking in on him in the first place. 

Bucky actually feels himself enjoying the impromptu movie night purely because Bob was offended Ava hasn’t seen a single Pixar movie, seeing them as a waste of time. So, that is what they did. Despite the common room being full of grown adults, some of them being super soldiers, they were all silent and sat respectfully throughout Toy Story, and then Cars. Throughout the sequel, Walker surprisingly stands and guides him and Bucky outside. What in the world would he want to talk about privately? Despite being confused, Bucky allows the other super soldier to guide him to the balcony that was much bigger than he’d even like to think about. It really put into perspective just how much money the Stark family eventually got for themselves. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice.” The last thing Bucky expected was an apology, but it didn’t take a detective to know what John was referring to. 

“It wasn’t exactly your job to know I had a stalker when I was such an asshole when we met. I should’ve thrown you a bone, or probably just looked over my shoulder better. Hell, this looks bad for me considering I’m supposed to be really good at this kind of stuff. But to get serious, John, I’m sorry I just saw you as a guy who took the shield. It was handed to you fair and square by people who wanted to use you, I was mad at the wrong people back then.” Bucky tries joking for once, but Walker doesn’t take the bait. He does however take the apology in the form of a hearty nod before he looks down at the city below before turning back to Bucky.

“That did hurt, I won’t sugar coat it. You both were my heroes and you just shrugged me off, so I let myself be an asshole back which didn’t help things. Rest his soul, Lemar was stuck in the crossfire of everything we squabble about for no reason, probably extending the search for the Flag Smashers more than it needed to be. But that’s long in the past, and I’m very divorced. Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk about, even if I do appreciate the apology. I wanted to talk about Steve. I- I wanted to run this by you before I did it. Mind you, no matter what you say is going to stop me.” Bucky was getting worried, but let John continue.

“I’m going to find Steve to talk to him. This conversation has been overdue-”

Bucky finds himself cutting Walker off before he can stop himself. All of this was too absurd for him not to intervene. “Absolutely not. It was risky even telling Sam he’s out there, let alone any of you. Fuck, he could even be listening now. Shit can hit the fan in a way I can’t even predict, purely because Steve’s not the man I remember. You were eavesdropping, so you already heard me break this down but let me explain myself again just so you understand. I don’t know what Steve is capable of anymore, which means I am not letting you, someone who is a complete stranger to him outside of your less than savory history, go out and try to find him. Even if you were to find him, what the fuck would you even talk about? What, did you used to stalk someone and you want to compare notes or something?”

It was a low blow accusing Walker of stalking, especially with their rough history, but thankfully John didn’t look too bothered. Actually, he just looks more nervous than he did before. 

“So, I’ve got something to confess. Me and Steve have spoken before, plenty of times actually-” This was the last thing Bucky expected to hear today. He does give the other super soldier a chance to explain himself, since he hasn’t exactly had the best track record being patient with Walker. 

“I was telling Steve about you, on the low. It started after I learned that I knew who your therapist was back then and- it kept going. I kept him secret purely because of some weird hero worship thinking I was doing him and you a favor at the same time. After I fucked up on live TV, he fucked off, which was probably for the best looking back on things. I thought it was over after that until I heard he took to actual stalking, which made me feel like shit because I was aiding an asshole thinking I was doing my hero a favor. Now I’m finally seeing how dumb I was for even telling him a damn thing about your life. I should’ve realized how weird it was he went to a stranger instead of you, or god forbid Sam! I- I’ve been keeping this to myself for so long. Hell, I was scared it’d be in one of my shame rooms and you’d see how much of a backstabber I’ve been-”

Bucky stops John from talking, just for a moment. He needed time to think about all of this, process just what the fuck he was told. So, Walker knew Steve was back a lot sooner than he did, but it wasn’t all malicious. Nothing with Walker ever really is, there’s always something deeper hiding beneath layers of fear that someone will actually see he’s hurting. All John did was help, which is what he’s been wanting to do this entire time. He picked up the shield thinking he’d do a whole lot of good, not realizing he was put there by people with agendas who’d drop him the moment he stopped being advertiser friendly. So, as much as Bucky wanted to be upset and maybe even a little angry that John was hiding something so big, he couldn’t. Steve was the underhanded one here, going behind everyone’s back to get information from John because he knows the soldier looked up to him enough to keep that damning secret  from everyone who’d need to know it. 

“... This doesn’t make Steve look any better. But before you ask, no, I’m not mad at you. I want to be, trust me. But I can’t bring myself to do it, not when I’m very aware that Steve held a lot of power. All you wanted to do during that time was be a good predecessor, meanwhile Steve was doing anything but be a good secret mentor. He was sneaking behind everyone’s backs and used you to get even a fraction of me, which is gross and you definitely didn’t deserve that. God, just when I thought he couldn’t get worse, he does.” Bucky mutters the last part to himself, mostly because he’s still not sure he wants to accept that things have gotten so bad that soon he’ll have to accept that maybe Steve was never that stable of a man, and injecting him with the serum might’ve even been a mistake. 

No, it couldn’t have been, without him Bucky would still be trapped with HYDRA the first time. No one would’ve come for the Howling Commandos like he did, so he can’t be altogether a terrible person. 

Walker has this kicked puppy expression that makes Bucky feel some sort of way, so he turns away from the man to look at the city below them, giving him the space to actually focus on what John says back. 

“... I still want to speak to Steve again. I feel like I need to, especially after everything. There’s a new person with the shield, I don’t feel the constant need to impress him all the time. He’s not utterly obsessed with me, so our conversation would be different. I don’t see him as some perfect being anymore, purely because of how out of sorts he’s made you. For how deep of a history you two have, he was all too excited to throw it away just because he couldn’t be normal about how he feels about you. I just can’t grasp the idea of only watching someone from afar in such a nonconsensual way. It’s sick, weird, and I feel gross for even aiding him in the slightest. I mean shit Bucky, you should be a lot more mad at me than you are right now. I aided your goddamn stalker and you’re just talking to me like all I did was spill wine on your rug. This shit is serious!”

Despite being worked up, John still kept his voice down so no one inside heard the commotion that’s going down on the balcony. To be fair, it was wide enough that even if they were to yell, the only people who’d hear would’ve already been eavesdropping because of their serum advantages. At least only Bob would be listening in on accident, meanwhile Alexei would’ve shamelessly done it on purpose. Despite how tense things are getting, Bucky can’t help but laugh a little. Not at John, never at him, but at the oddity of the situation. 

“God, what the fuck is wrong with us super soldiers and blaming ourselves for everything that goes terribly? Look, it sucks that you aided Steve and gave him progress reports on my life like you were my math teacher or something. But it clearly wasn’t personal, and it’s not like you’re gloating about it. So I can’t exactly hate someone expressing clear remorse for what you did, but I need to know one thing before I even consider signing off on you contacting Steve again. Would you have done it again, had you known what he was doing behind your back?”

Bucky feels a sense of relief when John immediately shakes his head no, and he feels even more remorse for how their original meeting went sour so fast, mainly because he was the asshole first. John F. Walker, a name on his last that he’d wronged as Bucky and not the Winter Soldier, something that never really sat well in his spirit until now, when apologies can properly be dealt. 

“Well, I’m not going to stop you. I have a feeling you would’ve done it even without my say so, but I just wanna give you the go ahead anyway. Just- don’t do anything rash. Also, don’t let him convince you to do anything rash for him. He’s a slippery asshole, convincing when he wants to be. I wouldn’t go as far as calling him a snake, because he’s still got that heart of gold, but he has something similar, that’s for sure.”

Bucky was kicking himself for defending Steve’s character even after all this information was revealed, he’s still clutching onto the memory of the other man still being good. Either that or he’s clutching to the few memories he still has from before HYDRA, and Steve has always just been that constant that he can’t fathom that the one tether he has to his normal life even fell apart. How is he supposed to move on as a healed man if he can’t even look back at where he came from with any good nostalgia without it having been tainted by one thing or another? Also, why was he so okay with letting John talk to Steve? The conversation is surely to end in a disaster especially with how emotionally charged Walker is now yet, Bucky just felt compelled to give his blessing. He hoped it wasn’t because he actually caved to that dumb, kicked puppy look John has going for him. (He also didn’t want to be the guy putting John down anymore, he’s long matured from putting the other man through shit just because he’s having a rough time.)

Oh god, what if Bucky only believed those memories were so cherishable because what else would he have fought so hard to hold onto during all those memory wipes Hydra forced him through? This was a thought process Bucky wasn’t going to allow himself to dwell too deep into, especially with someone he had a very complicated relationship with. It didn’t help that when Bucky turned away from the city, it was time for Walker’s expression to be equally as complicated looking at Bucky. 

“... You’re too damn dedicated to that man Barnes. God, I even hate that damn Smithosian exhibit now. Those big wigs only gave you that exhibit because you were quote on quote, Steve’s best friend. Oh, how sad it was when Steve lost his war buddy, not when your mother lost her son. I’m sorry for being so forward but both of you have lives without each other. Only one of you chose to do something with it, and it wasn’t the star spangled disaster.” Bucky was stunned to silence to hear Walker off all people insult Steve in any capacity, but it was refreshing in a weird way. 

Bucky would’ve never said it himself, but hearing it from someone else felt cathartic in a weird way he didn’t want to look too deep into. So, because of the influx of emotions that surely will only be addressed in therapy, Bucky decided to cut the tension especially since they’ve probably been talking alone for a lot longer than was comfortable for everyone inside. 

“... A star spangled disaster, huh? You gonna call Steve that to his face?”

The joke somehow landed on deaf ears, because all John does in response is look Bucky in the eyes and nod. “I’ll say a lot more too, just write some stuff down and I’ll do my best to convey the message. For you.”

That was all the former Winter Soldier needed to hear, all the emotionally driven exchanges he had the energy for has long since passed. His social battery ran out a long time ago, but he was willing to hear John out not to be rude but this was just on another level he wasn’t nearly ready for. So, despite them both literally being outside, Bucky rushes inside to get some air and thankfully John doesn’t make any effort to stop him or follow. 

He wasn’t exactly proud of it, but Bucky did push past Sam, his loving boyfriend, just to get to his room to slump onto his bed and just scream into his pillow. None of this shit was supposed to happen, for once Steve has done nothing but ruin things. Before this, his dynamic with John was simple. They had their past, their demons, but they put it aside for the greater good. They never were meant to actually address the elephant in the room, because that means they actually have to look each other in the eye and truly get to know what their actual dynamic is. It was gearing to be something Bucky wouldn’t be able to handle, and it was gutting him inside more than anything Steve could say or do to him. Why in the fuck was John so gracious after everything he did? He broke the man’s arm, yet it's all, “I’ll do my best to convey the message, just for you?” What has Bucky done to deserve such forgiveness? The man was even willing to talk to Steve, FOR HIM, and Bucky wasn’t even willing to talk to him upon their first meeting. This certainly complicates a lot of things.

All Sam does, ever so patient and kind Sam, is sit next to him in bed.

“The others are worried, but you probably already guessed that. And I listened in on that confrontation you had with John, and I’m not mad you’ve gotten closer. Hell, I’ve been meaning to have that conversation with him. Though, I feel like ours would go a little different than yours. But babe, what happened there was good. Both of you really needed that, I could tell. How could I possibly be mad at my boyfriend being happy and mending something that’s been broken for a while?”

Sam’s voice carried a lot, his perceptiveness cutting through Bucky like a knife but of course there wasn’t an ounce of judgement. After a moment of sulking, Bucky decides to face the music as he lifts his face off the bed and faces his boyfriend to finally make eye contact. They’re so close, yet feel so far because of recent events. Sam is the first one to break the distance, not with a kiss, but with a gentle cradling of his face. To Bucky, this speaks much deeper volumes than a kiss ever could, but it certainly doesn’t hurt. 

“... You saw? You’re not mad? I- Sammy, I always want to do right by you. Tell me how to do things right for you. Steve has forced himself back in my life, and John looks at me like-”

Bucky sighs. Everything has been much more emotionally draining than he was willing to admit. 

“I just want to be the lover you deserve, not the one you’ll bear everything for. I don’t want to be the boyfriend you stay with despite the hardships I put you through. I want to be what gets you through the rough times.” Bucky has never felt more vulnerable and exhausted, but for Sam he’ll endure anything and everything.

Sam’s smile is gentle as he leans in for a brief, yet meaningful kiss that says more than what could be verbally said, yet he still elaborates. “You coming to me is enough, but if you’ll keep pestering me about it then let me set the record straight. We didn’t do things right for John in the beginning, and I’ll admit this Thunderbolts thing has given us a chance to make it right. I don’t mind this being one of the ways. I saw the way he looks at you. It doesn’t bother me, hell, I want him to look at me like that.”

Sam laughs, despite the heavy subject matter, also because of how shocked Bucky looked. “So no, I’m not bothered by anything that’s happening. I’m happy both of you clicked that fast, I mean it was almost beautiful to watch you just mend a broken bridge just like that. Sure, there are tender wounds from that warehouse. But they don’t have to stay that way, and Steve coming back is not going to stop us from living our lives. He can continue creeping from wherever he is, because he’s in the past. We’ll leave him there, and I’ll convince John not to even waste his time with talking to Steve. He isn’t going to continue putting us through emotional roller coasters because his whims change so quickly. So, how about we hold the people close to us dear, instead of people who’ve made their choice already. Steve left you behind, he can’t have his cake and eat it too, despite all his efforts stalking you.”

Bucky couldn’t help but admire the way Sam speaks with such conviction, as he’s shown he was always meant to carry the shield. There just had to be a pause in-between him and Steve just so the world got ready for Sam to be the one holding the shield and not making it the symbol. Sam became the symbol, which is why his speeches actually have some emotional punch to them. It also helps that Bucky is absolutely head over heels for the man, so anything close to prophetic he says will always be poetry in his eyes.

This was his Captain America. Someone who’s apparently okay with him also acquiring the US Agent.

Chapter Text

Steve wasn’t much of a man who loved to travel, even if he did get to see a lot of destinations for the army. But that doesn't mean he doesn’t enjoy modern travel, especially the many tourist spots in airports. As a matter of fact, he’s been doing it a lot lately even if he’d prefer if his schedule was more aligned with Bucky’s. He had to give the other super soldier some space, stalking a former assassin and not getting caught is a lot harder than one would think. It takes a lot of patience and not being as close as one would want to be, but it's just as rewarding when you get a glimpse of your obsession. But alas, knowing when to let go and delve deep into your other hobbies separates a rookie stalker from a good one. Only one of them is going to get caught rotting in their own disappointment while the other actually gets more time reveling in their obsession, clearly equipped with much better self control. Maybe this time, Steve might use his downtime to actually check out what Vegas is like from a tourist’s perspective instead of dwelling, a passtime never healthy for a stalker like himself. 

Joaquín was really enjoying time not being deployed, even if he was in a limbo before he got to really join Sam as his Falcon in New York. It felt selfish of him but he was happy he wasn’t there for the Void Incident, it looked really intense and he was nowhere near the action. It did ease his guilt that Sam wasn’t there either, even if it did result in that New Avengers announcement that’s been making everything a lot more stressful since then. Currently, he’s cooking dinner in his military dorm. (It’s top ramen, but top cuisine for someone who wants a small amount of dishes and is currently in the middle of moving from one state to another. Or, from one military base to another.) That’s why he wasn’t exactly expecting to see someone else in his living room, flipping around his pocket knife like owned it. 

“Steve Rogers, I’m sure you’ve already heard of me. Seen me on TV, maybe even read about me in a few history books. I’ve heard of you as well, you’re the new Falcon. How neat it must be to have been given such an honor, it’s good to see that the wings are still being represented out there as Sam’s moved onto bigger and better things.” Joaquín wasn’t sure how to feel, especially when the former Captain America was in his living room which heavily implied he broke in. What the fuck is one supposed to do when someone so famous just breaks into their apartment? He was sure it usually is the other way around with celebrities his caliber, but apparently not. 

“What are you doing here? I thought you were on the moon.” Despite internally freaking out, Joaquín was sure he at least had a small amount of confidence in his voice when he spoke. Something that will give the air that he’s got the authority here and Steve despite being a celebrity did break in. And despite how cool this meeting feels, he wasn’t sure he was so down with the breaking and entering part. Especially since he has to report it to make sure what was broken into gets fixed which is definitely a future headache Joaquín is not looking forward to. He also couldn’t help with the moon theory, even if Sam disproved it. Joaquín just wanted to hear it from the man himself if he was ever on the moon or not, so sue him. 

“There’s that damn moon theory again, who the fuck started that? Why would I ever want to retire on the moon? I have no idea where that rumor came from, but I can assure you I didn’t fuck off to the moon after the second battle with Thanos. But that’s aside from the point, I didn’t break into your dorm as some unorthodox way to make a new friend. You see, I need your help specifically. I really think you could really point me in the right direction here. You’re close to Sam, right? And last time I checked in, he and Bucky are an item now. Apparently. Don’t know when that one went down, but whatever. I just want to know where they’re at.” Joaquín was thoroughly confused why Steve was coming to him, and not just texting Bucky himself where he’s staying. It was sounding more suspicious than it did friendly, and Joaquín was cursing his lack of a poker face. It was way too weird sounding of Steve to ask where Bucky is when there’s a laundry list of people who are much closer to the man who’d point him in the right direction. So, he does everything in his power not to look too freaked out as he tries to wrap his mind around what’s going on.

What Steve said told Joaquín one thing, and that’s the usual people he’d normally ask wouldn’t give the information up. Which left Steve with no other option but to go to him, but there was just one aspect of it all that didn’t make sense. Steve could’ve just hunkered down and located Bucky on his own, so why go through the trouble of a five hour flight all the way to Vegas just for a location? There’s got to be more to this. But Joaquín had to be smart about how he asks about it, or else he might get an angry super soldier on his hands without his wings or suit in reach. Right when Joaquín thought he was going to have a chill night by himself, this happened.

“... Why did you go from New York to Vegas just to find me? You could’ve just looked up- no. I don’t think I should give you tips on how to find them. I- wait a second. I’m not against you in any way, it’s just that this is so sudden! I don’t really know why you’re here and it's weirding me out. I have to be honest, you’re the last person I’d expect would want anything to do with me. You’re much closer to Bucky and Sam. Just because I happen to be using the Falcon wings and am using the call sign does it mean we’re suddenly close. I just want to know the real reason why you picked me out of everyone. I haven’t even talked to Bucky outside of a few short interactions, so the only person I’m really close to is Sam and he isn’t even the person you’re really looking for. So please, be honest with why the fuck you broke into my military dorm in Vegas. I’ve never been more terrified in my life and I just need answers.” 

Joaquín was rambling and he knew it, especially because Steve’s polite smile has long since been replaced by this stone glare that told him exactly how he earned the rank of Captain aside from the military propaganda and serum running through his veins. God, what is it with super soldiers and their ability to glare?

“Perceptive little shit, aren’t you? Fine. I’ve got ulterior motives. But I don’t think you should worry about those right now. I just need to know where Bucky and Sam are right now, hell, you can even send a quick text from your phone. They’ll tell you, and I will be on my way. Bucky hasn’t exactly been at his apartment, and I have no idea where else he would be comfortable staying considering he’s quite the cagey guy about his living space. That was true even before all of the Winter Soldier bullshit happened to him, fun fact. He isn’t staying with Sam, I checked a couple times, so that leaves me with jack shit as to where he could’ve gone. It’s leaving me frustrated that I don’t know where my close friend is, and I really wanted to surprise him. Show up unannounced to let him know I’m back in his life. Fun, right?”

Joaquín wasn’t sure how he felt about how Steve’s emotions were just all over the place. The man went from glaring holes through his skull to just laughing and smiling again. He wondered if the serum did that, or if Steve was always just an odd guy but was able to get it together enough to be good military propaganda. Nevertheless, it was certainly making the conversation a lot more tense than it already was. 

“... I’m not telling you anything mainly because I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I mean-”

Joaquín pauses. He wasn’t sure how much Steve knew about the New Avengers using the old tower, or if he even wanted to be the one to break the news. Steve probably knows that place like the back of his hand, and it probably wouldn’t be polite to just reveal something that would get Bucky’s new team to hate him already. At the same time, he has to say something cause he’s got a hunch Steve isn’t exactly going to accept that he really does know nothing after a five hour flight here, and a thirty minute drive from the airport. 

“I’m not that close to Sam like that. He’s my superior, the original Falcon. He isn’t going to tell me where his boyfriend is living in casual conversations. So I have to ask, why in the world did you go out of your way to interrogate me? Is it because I’m the closest person to Sam that doesn’t have the serum running through their veins, that I’d be easier to get answers from? I honestly don’t even think you want to know where Bucky or Sam are, because you could’ve gotten that information in New York. This is targeted, why you’re beating around the bush is beyond me. But I’m going to get the truth from you, even if I don’t have an ounce of the serum in me. Mark my words.”

Joaquín wasn’t sure where this confidence was coming from, or why he was getting in the face of Steve Rogers of all people. But here he was, pissed off that someone interrupted his night with some weird intimidation tactic to get information he really could’ve gotten himself. To Steve’s credit, he didn’t immediately freak out or get pissed off. All he did was pace around the small living room Joaquín was given in the military dorm, then he ran a hand through his hair, sighing. 

“I thought it would take a lot longer for you to get this fed up, but apparently being the new Falcon is giving you some confidence. Not sure how I feel about it yet, but I’ll throw you a bone. I mean, I’ve already admitted to my ulterior motives but clearly that wasn’t enough details for you. I guess I’ve got to come clean, which sucks because I was really aiming to build at least some suspense. Oh well. But fine, I guess you deserve the truth after getting yourself so worked up at my mere presence. Alright, I’ll be honest, retirement does not suit me. I thought it’d fit like a glove but it makes my skin itch with how antsy I get at only watching world ending threats from afar. I need a way back into the game, and I have just the way. I haven’t really gotten my hero costume made just yet, but I need someone on the inside to introduce me. Keep my cover, lie for me. That’s where you come in, you’re going to steadily introduce me as The Shadow or something. I’m workshopping names, don’t look at me like that. I’ll have my face covered and I’m definitely going to use a voice changer. But you’re going to be my vouch so I can just slide back into Bucky’s life like nothing ever happened after Thanos. That sound like a good plan, well, it better. Because you’re doing it regardless. I didn’t come all this way to get turned down. That sounded a lot more menacing than I meant it to but still.”

Steve’s awkward laughter didn’t cover up the obvious threat, so Joaquín found himself wishing he had a spare suit in his house. Sure, this was an unrealistic idea because it’s not like he’s got Stark money to have more than one Falcon suit but he didn’t think he would ever be threatened in a space he thought was safe. He didn’t even leak his own address on live TV like Stark did, yet here he is with a super soldier saying he’s got to comply with his little plan to get back into Bucky’s life or else. Joaquín really didn’t want to know what entailed the rage of Steve Rogers even if he doesn’t currently have the shield. It still wouldn’t be a fair fight regardless, especially since his first fight against a super soldier ended badly and they didn’t even have the original serum running through their veins like Steve does. 

At the same time, it’s not like he can just agree to this. It’s underhanded and he has a feeling there was a lot that Steve was conveniently leaving out. Like why he would have to wear a full mask and use a voice changer around Bucky at all times instead of just revealing that retirement didn’t fit and he wanted to go back to saving people again. Damn him, Steve knew Joaquín was probably a perfect target because he’s so separated from everything. He’s only got a mentor relationship with Sam, and he really can’t say he’s close enough to Bucky that he can just casually drop on him that Steve, of all people, broke into his dorm and is subtly threatening him. Hell, Joaquín was convinced that Sam wouldn’t even believe this was happening. That’s what made everything that more dangerous, and Steve is probably very aware of this. What power he has over everything, the fact that Bucky and Sam would believe him first. So that meant he was going to have to figure out something fast, because he’s essentially alone. All the heroes he knows that would be potential backup would probably either believe Sam first, or not make it in time considering they’re all states away. 

This was a lot more intense trial by fire than Joaquín would’ve ever wanted to experience outside of his Falcon suit. Well, he couldn’t keep the man waiting forever for a response. Joaquín had to face the music sometime. 

“Look, I don’t think you want to do this without a solid plan and hero costume. I’m moving as well, so, how about we come up with some compromise. You can stay with me for a while, help me move, and when we’re in New York I can get your suit made. I’ll say it’s for a beefy new sidekick of mine, but know that I don’t consider you a sidekick. Please don’t get mad at me for calling you one, I was just thinking out loud, I really didn’t mean it-”

“A sidekick, huh? That’d be a good cover. I knew you’d be quick on your feet, every good Falcon has to be. I’m impressed, you’ve somehow planned ahead a lot better than I have, and it was my idea! Man, I knew I was right by coming here.” Steve cut off Joaquín mid-sentence, making him flinch a little by how loudly he clapped. This was only going to end in disaster, and for the life of him Joaquín had no clue why he offered to let Steve be his roommate. Not only that, but he was going to have to report to Sam and lie his ass off just to let Steve off the hook. Why? Well, he wasn’t about to get his ass handed to him by another super soldier. In his own military dorm, no less. Recovering from the last super soldier attack told him avoiding a second one was definitely a smart move. 

“So, do you even have a new hero name picked out? I need at least an outline to tell the hero costume tailor in New York.” Joaquín already felt himself grow tired of how unnerved he constantly is at the way Steve looks at him from across the room. It certainly didn’t help that the military dorm isn’t very big, so it doesn’t give them the most personal space in between them.

This makes Steve pause, as he takes a moment to look out of the window. The man must be zoned out, because there’s nothing of real value to be gazing at outside of that dorm window considering he’s on the ground floor. Joaquín takes the moment to try and calm himself down silently, running a hand through his hair and silently wondering what he did to deserve this level of blackmail. When Steve looks back at him, Joaquín feels himself straighten up again, fixing his posture so the super soldier doesn’t see him falter. This was too stressful of a situation to be outwardly showing fear. 

“... I think I should be the Crow, something bird themed to mesh with your new Falcon branding. Is there a hero out there already named that? I don’t care. It’s my name now. Get me a hero costume fitting of the name, and I’ll make sure that the original super soldier always has your back in a fight as long as you keep my identity top secret. I’ll watch your six, seven, fuck it every angle. Just as long as you keep your end of the bargain. Hell, I’ll even throw in some home security considering that Steve Rogers is technically retired. I’ll be the best roommate you’ve ever had Torres, trust me.” The way Steve smiles just rubs Joaquín the wrong way, but he knew he couldn’t show it. This was a battle of the wits, one Joaquín can’t exactly afford to lose. But he’d be lying if he said this conversation wasn’t starting to make him nauseous the way everything was starting to stack against him. 

“I can’t believe I only got a sidekick because a famous war hero blackmailed me into it.” Joaquín couldn’t stop the bitterness seeping into his voice as he glared at the super soldier, suddenly not so scared to get his ass kicked by the other man for speaking out of turn. This was entirely unfair, and he needed Steve to know it. Of course, Steve wants to act like calling anything that’s happening blackmail. The asshole. 

“I am a very kind and considerate man, my mother raised me to be better than something like blackmail. Think of it this way, I’m strongly recommending that you help my plan come to be. We may have only met but I have a strong feeling we’re going to mesh very well in a fight especially considering we’re roommates now! That was such a smart recommendation by the way, giving me a place to hunker down in between my little day hobby. Well, I won’t have much of my retired time to myself considering I’m throwing myself back into hero work again, huh? Man, I’ve really shot myself in the foot here getting into such a time sucking hobby during my pseudo retirement.” Steve huffs the last part to himself, crossing his arms as he casually leans against the wall. He was far too casual for how tense things really are, but Joaquín guesses the serum gives him that kind of power. To simply have his presence be the blackmail that makes Joaquín stand in line, do what he says without it needing to be a direct command. It made him sick, but Joaquín appreciated that he at least wasn’t being threatened with direct violence outright. Small victories are what he’s going to cling to throughout this, he could tell. 

Unless- 

Joaquín feels himself blurt something out before he could stop himself. “You could change your name from Steve Rogers. Just so when I tell people your secret identity, even that’s a cover. They don’t ever have to see your face, I’ll lie and say your skin is radioactive and the suit stops it. So, what do you want your new name to be?” He had no idea why he was feeding into this idea, but getting on Steve’s good side would keep him safe until they were both in New York and he could actually get someone else in on this. Hopefully, they’d at least sort of believe him that this was happening.

Steve took a moment to think about it, but thankfully he didn’t look mad at the idea. As a matter of fact, he looked excited. Like that wasn’t something he thought about. “You little genius, I could use a new name. It’ll make me seem more authentic, instead of some random new hero working at your side with super soldier strength. A radioactive backstory will give me an excuse to not hold back during fights. So, as far as fake names go, I think I’ll go with Ethan Winters. You discovered me on a secret solo Falcon mission and sought to give me a new purpose after figuring out how strong I am. This is all coming together and it’s all because of you, I hope you know that. Ethan Winters, aka The Crow! Wow, it has a certain charm to it already-” 

Joaquín leaves Steve to gush about the idea to zone out, trying to calm himself down as the super soldier rants on and on about how this was just such a good idea. Nothing felt good about this, and he had a feeling things were going to get nasty the moment people get wise and rip the Crow’s mask off because his fighting style is way too similar to the first Captain America to ever just be some coincidence. Joaquín isn’t sure if people would be mad at him for keeping it secret or feel bad for having to handle it for so long, but he wasn’t looking forward to looking Sam or Bucky in the eye after the truth is inevitably brought into the light. Now, Joaquín would deny it, but he did jump the moment Steve suddenly appeared right in his line of sight, his expression a mix of annoyed and concerned. He must’ve noticed the other man stopped listening, and was missing the attention and feedback of another person. 

“Where did you go?” Steve’s question was framed like a man who only ever revisits old memories when he zones out, having lived too long to have any other material. Joaquín laughs at this, despite how idiotic it is to be laughing in this man’s face after showcasing just how fickle his moods are. He just couldn’t help it, he’s always laughing away nervousness. 

“You act like I’ve lived a life even close to yours to have enough memories to reminisce about. But no, I wasn’t relieving any wars if that’s what you’re wondering. Just wondering how the fuck I’m going to pull this off, and why you decided to make me your target with this.” Joaquín was still pissed off about the new roommate he frankly subjected himself to, but he knew communicating with the other man would probably prevent his mood from being too unstable.

“You’re the closest I have to a way in that wouldn’t immediately snitch on me. Anyone else that close to Bucky or Sam would’ve told me to fuck off and messaged either of them by now. You on the other hand are unattached enough that you second guess yourself enough that I can just slide right in undetected. No questions asked, mostly because you really don’t think people would believe you even if you did report this. Even if you did, I’ve yet to actually make a threat. You’re technically doing this for me from the goodness of your heart, which I am so thankful for by the way.” Steve’s smile made him want to throw up now, but Joaquín figured making even nicer with him would hopefully give him more leeway the moment they got established in New York.

Hopefully Joaquín could get away with rigging Steve’s suit so that it’ll broadcast his comms to Bucky and Sam, and through that he might get the man to confess his actions without them even being close by. All Joaquín has to do is get Steve to like him enough that he wouldn’t question why he’s reprogramming his new hero costume’s helmet. A good lie would be that he’s calibrating the voice changer, a great one is to show him what he’s doing and wait for the man out of time to get confused and frustrated enough that he just leaves him alone to do his coding. So, in an effort to make things easier on himself, Joaquín smiles back at Steve. 

“I live to please. I mean, sure you broke into my dorm, but it’s not like my door was unlocked. You had to get in somehow, right? I mean, in hindsight this is pretty cool. I get an inside secret with the first Captain America-” The last thing Joaquín expected was for Steve to suddenly grab his chin, lightly squishing his cheeks, effectively silencing him mid-sentence looking more frustrated than he’s looked ever since he broke in, but it doesn’t last long. He goes back to smiling, like it was his default expression. Either that, or Joaquín got to see a peek behind his ever cheery front he puts on. 

“Do me a favor Torres, don’t try and kiss up. It doesn’t suit you. I want you to be honest, not desperate. I’ve dealt with enough of that during my time, so how about you keep surprising me by showing me just how frustrated you really are? Then we can consider this whole kiss up act, see just how far you’d go just to- no. I’m getting ahead of myself. We’re not quite there yet. There’s plenty of time for that.” Steve lets Joaquín’s chin go and starts muttering to himself, pacing the small living room like nothing happened. 

Well, there goes that plan. Of course Steve had to see right through it. Things were getting worse by the second, and Joaquín wasn’t sure how much more he could take before he just snapped. The worst part is, he can’t even do much damage to Steve so it’d just end up in needing to crawl himself to the closest medical praying and crossing his fingers that anyone would believe him that THE Steve Rogers just kicked his ass. 

Joaquín was forced from his daydreaming by Steve suddenly laughing, his expression eerily unreadable as he looks at the current Falcon. 

“You zone out a lot. That’s interesting. Man, I wonder where Sam found you, you’re so dynamic yet confide yourself to meekness. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why such strong personalities like you hide behind a guise of shyness. It kind of pisses me off, actually but that’s besides the point. God, you’re making it really hard to keep a conversation going scheming like that over there. We won’t last long as good roommates at this rate.” Steve tries joking, but it doesn’t exactly land with Joaquín. It doesn’t stop the star spangled stalker from laughing anyway. The worst part is it wasn’t even an unpleasant laugh to the ears, the man’s pleasant to look at but currently a nightmare to talk to. 

“I’m tired and hungry. My ramen got so cold I had to get rid of it and I’m just fed up. Unless you’ve got dinner ready and are prepared to fuck off for the night so I can sleep in peace, I don’t want to hear it.” Joaquín feels himself growing more and more frustrated when all Steve does in response is fucking grin at him because of course he does. 

“All you ever had to do was ask, y’know. You wanted ramen, right? Right. I have been holding you up for a while, huh? I’ve got food coming. It’ll be here in about ten minutes. But while we wait-” 

Joaquín feels himself tense up as Steve suddenly gets close to him again to- drape his dog tags over his neck. At least, one set of them. One sits in a museum, another is with Bucky, and this last one is now around Joaquín’s neck apparently. 

“I wanted to make this official.” Steve’s explanation does nothing to actually explain why the fuck he just did that. Joaquín finds himself stuffing it under his shirt, not even considering taking it off right in front of the guy. 

“Why do we have to be official? You buy a guy food over some delivery app and suddenly you give me your dog tags? What the fuck were they doing back in the 40’s, huh? Is this what you did with Bucky-” Joaquín flinches at Steve’s growl, and mentally kicks himself for even mentioning the other super soldier at all, especially during such a tense moment. 

“Bucky only ever got my dog tags because- god I don’t even remember at this point. I think we exchanged dog tags just in case we were ever separated again. Sure enough, we were. I was shocked that he got to hold onto them even after the Winter Soldier nonsense but he did. God, why did I ever leave him behind, even for a moment? Well, there’s no use in crying over spilled milk. But hey, you’re finally talking back. Just like I wanted you to. Joaquín, don’t ever feel like you need to walk on eggshells around me. We’re going to be partners soon, remember? We need to be as honest with each other as we possibly can. At least, you need to be. I will tell you the truth only when I need to, or when I feel like it. That’s just how it has to be.” Steve gently pats Joaquín’s cheek, but his hand remains there for a moment too long as they just stare into each other’s eyes. 

“Your eyes are really brown.” Steve points out the obvious, but his voice is taking on a tone Joaquín didn’t want to look too deep into. But he does find himself almost reaching for the dog tags but stops. Steve, of course with all his super soldier senses notices but thankfully doesn’t comment. He lowers his hand, smirks and walks off to the other side of the living room to check if the food’s here or not. 

After they ate the ramen that admittedly was pretty good, Joaquín was suddenly faced with the reality that Steve had to sleep somewhere and the dorm didn’t exactly have a sturdy couch. At least, it wasn’t good enough for someone with Steve’s build to sleep on it. 

“I’m not exactly offering my bed, but it’s our only option. For now. So-”

“I’m not sleeping with you Torres, I’m taking the couch.” Joaquín jolts because that wasn’t what he was thinking at all, but feels confused when all Steve does after snapping at him is laugh. Just how this man can go from furious to amusement so fast makes him wonder if everyone who’s been around for as long as he has with the original serum just eventually loses it. He’s slowly growing more and more appreciative he was never given the serum, or any variant of it that’s out there. He doesn’t want to eventually act like this and drag someone into his nonsense like Steve is right now. 

“I- I was offering to take the couch myself and you’d have my bed. Weirdo.” Joaquín was too tired to have a filter, so yes he did call THE Steve Rogers a weirdo to his face. Very immature sure, but their vast age gap gave him some levity for not being the most mature of the two. Steve, in all his infinite maturity, just rolls his eyes at the explanation, crossing his arms like a child, huffing.

“What did I say about meek not fitting you-” Steve tries to scold, but Joaquín has had it up to here with this man being vague and just suddenly inserting himself in his life. 

“I am going to be so real, I don’t give a fuck what you think suits me. I am exhausted listening to your bullshit. The only reason I tolerate your nonsense is because you have the serum and I don’t. I hate how chipper you are, how untouchable that goddamn super fuckass serum made you! You’re parading around my goddamn apartment like you own the place. I’m shocked you didn’t offer my bed to yourself. This making me walk on eggshells is unbearable. You pretend like that’s not what you’re doing but I wasn’t born yesterday. I’ve been around long enough to know better. So how about you drop this weird nice act and actually act the way you really are-” 

Joaquín was cut off mid-sentence by Steve gently lifting his chin and grinning in a way that really made him nervous. 

“You will never understand who or what I am, but that’s what makes this fun. But I guess we have to save the true fun for tomorrow, which is a bummer. I felt like we were really going somewhere Joaquín. Understanding each other, well, I was getting a feel on who you are. You’ll never get me, but I didn’t come here for you to know how my mind works. But I will grant you a little of myself just so we can mesh enough that the Crow and Falcon can at least play pretend enough to attract the attention of Bucky and Sam. I’m sure you know I used to be weak, and helpless. Needed someone else to give me medicine and even feed me when I was bedridden. It was a truly miserable existence being powerless. But now, I have so much power that even that gets debilitating. The serum is not exactly a nice gift to receive, despite popular belief. I only enjoy it because it's the only thing separating me from dying from something stupid like the flu.” Steve huffs, almost like he’s mad at himself for revealing this much about himself, or that he even let himself ramble in the first place. 

Of course, Joaquín couldn’t help himself but interrupt. “Does this little rant have a point? Is it related to you accusing me of saying I wanted to sleep with you, or not?”

Steve thankfully just laughs in response instead of bursting in a fit of rage that honestly, Joaquín was bracing for, seeing it as inevitable at this point with how fickle Steve’s moods are. 

“You’re a livewire. Good. I need someone like that to at least attempt to keep me in line. That’s why I really need you to cut that meek attitude out completely. Can you do that for me? I need you to stand up straight, not because I’m above you or anything, but I need more confidence from you. I want to make you into an even better Falcon than you already are, and let me use you to slide right back into Bucky’s life again undetected. Got that? I am going to make you a much better Falcon. You’re welcome. Also, I guess we can both take the bed. C’mon, it’s bedtime-”

Joaquín can’t take this anymore. “No, I am not sleeping with Steve Rogers just because he broke into my goddamn apartment! Fuck no. I am taking the couch. You take the bed, you brute. It’s in that room over there, you can’t miss it. I’m going to grab some spare blankets, and I’m going to bed. You do whatever the fuck you want.” He finds himself growling, something he’s never done before out of rage until now. 

“Say what you want but you’re still wearing my dog tags under that shirt of yours. You could’ve taken them off by now, and as a matter of fact, I’m giving you permission to. Hold on, let me rephrase so I don’t sound like your captor or something. I promise you I won’t freak out if you take off my dog tags and throw them across the room or something. I’m giving you the pass to do so-”

Joaquín doesn’t feel the most mature doing this, but he throws them at Steve, yet he feels himself almost twitch after he throws them. Like his body nearly asked for them back. Steve grins, like he had some sixth sense to notice as he gently tosses the dog tags back into Joaquín’s hands just for them to get chucked into the wall. 

“You’re going to be a lot of fun, I can already tell.” Steve laughs before disappearing into his room, and slowly closing the door, leaving poor Joaquín to sleep on the couch in his own damn military dorm. He really should’ve made Steve sleep on the couch, yet here he is, sleeping like a rock on his damn couch hoping he’ll dream he’s far away from here.

Chapter Text

“You know, this all would’ve taken six movers to get all this furniture in. You really lucked out having me as a roommate Torres. I had you set up a lot sooner than you would’ve without me.” Steve points out again, once again getting on Joaquín’s nerves. But he was going to tough through it, at least until he’s in a stable enough position to snitch on Steve and potentially get help coming his way. The military dorm in New York is actually much bigger than the one in Vegas, and coincidentally it has two beds. Apparently he was set to have a roommate, but they backed out to stay with their parents off base. Just his luck, so at least Joaquín and Steve don’t need to have any more awkward conversations over the bed anymore. 

“This is temporary, we’re not moving in together or taking each other’s last names. You do have an end goal beyond me, right? I am not sharing a living space with you for longer than I need to, I refuse. Just because I haven’t sold your ass out yet does it mean I tolerate you by any means.” Joaquín didn’t want to sound too hopeful, but he couldn’t stay with this man forever. He turns and looks over at Steve, who’s lounging on the couch and sketching what he can only assume is the Crow costume. His control over the pencil is actually pretty admirable, and it makes Joaquín wish he had that talent so his Falcon costume could be a little more personalized to him. Eventually, Steve does look up at the other man to answer his question. 

“I’ve got much bigger plans than just you, don’t worry. I’m not going to keep dragging you along, making you be my accomplice. So don’t miss me too much when I do end up moving somewhere else, okay? I don’t know how Falcons get when they’re empty nesters so- take care of yourself when I’m gone, okay?” Steve sounded too chipper for someone so comfortable on the couch he carried in by himself. Joaquín just rolls his eyes and idly scrolls through his contacts, wondering if he can send a quick text as some fucked up SOS to see if anyone bites. At the same time, there was a sick part of him that wanted to see just what Steve is like as Ethan Winters. What he’ll do as the Crow, or hell, what he’d even look like in the costume when it’s made. 

This wasn’t an ideal situation, but Joaquín isn’t some quitter. So he puts his phone away and goes to voluntarily sit next to Steve on the couch. The super soldier actually looks shocked, like he expected a much different outcome to him being aggravating on purpose. He was looking for a reaction, not this. They sit in a somewhat uncomfortable silence until Steve finds either the confidence or audacity to speak up again. 

“You could’ve snitched on me just then. Texted a photo of me on your couch to Sam, got me in trouble. Why didn’t you? Some weird, morbid curiosity? Wanting to stop me yourself without any outside help to truly prove yourself-”

Joaquín didn’t know what gave him the confidence to slap Steve outright, something that wouldn’t exactly do the damage he wanted it to but it was more symbolism than a means to hurt the man. It left a bruise at least, so a small amount of sick comfort could be enjoyed there.

It certainly shut him up to give Joaquín a chance to speak. 

“Stop trying to frame yourself as this big, bad wolf. The worst crime you’ve done against me is breaking and entering, it just happened to be on a military base. Stop acting like you’re stabbing grannies and taking candy from children purely from being my roommate. Maybe if you actually did something interesting, maybe even a little fucked up, I'll consider putting an effort against you. But until then- I think I'll keep handling you like a minor inconvenience.” It was an incredibly fucked up thing to say, and Joaquín knew he was eventually going to regret saying it to Steve of all people but in the moment he didn’t feel too bad. Steve was really making him into quite the bitter person, wasn't he? And they haven't even been around each other for that long. Was he secretly always this bitter, and it just took the right person to bring it out?

Of course, when Steve gathers his bearings he just laughs. “I’ve done fucked up things, trust me. You have no idea what I have been getting up to outside of you, it’s almost adorable. After Thanos, I went into hiding just to stalk Bucky from afar, y'know? I’m using you as a way to do it more effectively, if you really want to know what's really going on in my fucked up little head. Do you wanna put your hero cape on now, and stop me, for some greater good you made up in your head? Send a cute little selfie to the new Captain America, begging him to save you from the big bad wolf- stop hitting me!”

Steve actually sounds like he’s whining when Joaquín slaps him once again. He makes sure to hit the same bruise so it gets worse, and it made Joaquín a little concerned how excited he was for the bruise to get even darker later. Some small part of him wishes he had the serum running through his veins as well to truly mark Steve up with bruises, and hell, if he's frustrated enough he might even make him bleed. That darkness wasn't something he was going to just let himself indulge in, not when he doesn't even like thinking about it for too long.

“You don’t need to work so hard to impress me. You aren’t the big bad wolf, stalking is a lame crime compared to half the shit I’ve busted even before I became the Falcon. The Flag Smashers were much more dire of a threat than you. So forgive me for not shivering in my boots because I happen to be sitting next to a loser stalker who forces himself to live with someone who's essentially a complete stranger all because he’s trying a new method of stalking. Experimenting as an old man must be so difficult for you, stepping out of your comfort zone must feel so weird, grandpa.” Joaquín feels himself grinning at how uncomfortable he’s suddenly made the other man, even if it didn’t last for long in his expression. But it becomes a lot less funny the moment Steve’s expression grows much darker as he grabs his chin with a lot more force than he’s used before. But suddenly, Steve’s grinning too. 

It’s like seeing Joaquín frowning in fear made Steve smile. God, just how fucked up has their dynamic gotten? Why in the world does he still want to see this through to the end? What the fuck would the end of this even look like?

“You better keep this same fire when we’re side by side in the field. I’m going to be however the fuck I want to be in that hero costume and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it, huh? I want you to say it-”

Joaquín surprises himself when all he does in response is spit on Steve’s face. He scrambles away when he’s let go from the tight grip as he runs into the bathroom and locks the door, trying to soothe himself so he doesn’t have a panic attack. This was all so incredibly fucked, and he wasn’t liking how he was acting anymore. Him and Steve really can’t live together if they’re going to be acting like this towards each other on a daily basis. It’s volatile, weird and certainly not healthy for either of them. What the fuck brought him to spit on him? Why were they at the point where he thinks spitting on someone is a perfectly acceptable way to get them to stop talking?

Shockingly, there’s not harsh knocking on the bathroom door, but a light tapping of a fist. The threat of violence is there, but it's lighter than Joaquín thinks he deserves. 

“I’m not mad at you, I can wipe away spit, it’s not like you stained my clothes with anything. At least you didn’t bite me, now that would’ve been gross!” Joaquín is weirded out when he hears Steve laugh from the other side of the door, but without thinking about it he unlocks the door, shuffling to sit on the other side of the bathroom so Steve can open the door. He takes a seat right in front of Joaquín, grinning like he’s won the lottery, carrying no trance that he was just spit on. He then leans in a lot closer, and spits on his face. Joaquín was ashamed to admit that he didn't even flinch.

“There. We’re even. Now, if you excuse me I’m off for a quick jog, I want to make sure I’m at the peak of my physicality-” Joaquín feels himself standing and punching Steve before he can stop himself, but only after he wipes Steve’s spit off his face. Once again, Steve just looks annoyed that he’s suddenly been interrupted more than he’s been attacked. Luckily, it does make the bruise on his cheek even darker. Good.

“If you wanted to spar you could’ve asked. This really wasn’t a big deal, but if you’ve got frustrations to let out on me, I’m more than happy to let you. I can be what you let your grievances out on, if you’re prepared to get some dished back at you. This has to be at least a somewhat functional partnership if we’re going to sell anything resembling functional in front of Sam and Bucky you do know that right?” Steve scolds like he’s got a damn foot to stand on here, like he didn’t look Joaquín dead in the eyes just to spit in his face like that’s a normal eye for an eye reaction. 

“New York made us much worse, and I’m starting to fear what we’ll be like during hero work. We’re not going to be saving a damn person, are we? I can’t have that shit. You are not going to ruin Falcon for me after I worked so damn hard to earn those wings so you better fucking behave. There’s no exchange between us, you fucking broke into MY DORM. You inserted yourself into my life and you better consider your ass lucky I don’t sell you out for spare parts. So I don’t want to hear you say we need to shape up, because that’s not what needs to happen. You just need to learn how to be fucking normal around me for once, and just maybe we can pretend to be normal enough that you can get your rocks off again looking at Bucky from afar. That might get you off my back for a while, you can go back to your sick little bird watching you goddamn geriatric. God, I should just drop your ass off at a nursing home in Jersey and just leave you there.” 

Joaquín snaps, all the frustration from the move to New York coming out in one, concise rant. It felt good to get it off his chest, but the satisfaction doesn’t last long when Steve’s ever so aggravating yet ever present smile returns. The things he would do to permanently wipe that smile off his face, to say or do something so out of turn that he can’t find a reason to grin at him ever again. 

“Aren’t you a bundle of sunshine and rainbows? But you’ve made a good point, New York really changed our dynamic. In a good or a bad way, I’ve yet to decide. Yes, I do miss my hobby of watching my dear Bucky from afar, but I can’t lie. You really have shown yourself to be a good time yourself, especially when you actually decide to have a backbone with me. I find myself actually having a good time, and since you’ve yet to sell me out to the people who would love to know I’m here with you, I can only assume you’re at least enjoying us a little bit. Feel free to correct me, even though I have a strong feeling you won’t. I’m starting to get a good read on you, and everything you’ve let yourself turn into just from being around me for so long.” 

Joaquín feels himself clench his hands into fists so tight his hands shake, because Steve was once again being condescending in a way he couldn’t argue against. He was turning into a different person from this prolonged coexistence, hell he was even starting to realize he could’ve sat by anyone else on the plane to New York. That probably would’ve given him a good five hours away from him, yet he made a point to sit next to Steve on the plane. They even held hands during takeoff, which he wasn’t sure why he did it but not thinking about it afterwards justified it in a weird way. Except he found himself mentally bringing it up as he stared at the other man, huddled close to him because of the spot they’re standing in the bathroom. 

“You’re going to ruin me.” Joaquín can hear the exhaustion in his own voice as he drags himself out of the bathroom before he does more things he’s going to regret later. Steve follows like some weird, sick lost puppy. He never does go on that run, so Joaquín wasn’t sure why he even brought it up in the first place. He eventually makes the hero costume request to his army connections, sending Steve’s body measurements and doing his best to lie his ass off about a mysterious Ethan Winters needing a hero costume and voice changer. 

Joaquín and Steve were lounging in a weird, toxic and stagnant silence sitting on the couch next to each other that the TV only cuts through with noise when there’s a knock at the door. 

“I’ll get it.” Steve randomly kisses Joaquín’s forehead before the other man can react or argue, as he makes his way to the door. When he opens it, he’s actually knocked on his ass by a punch this time. Before he can go into any sort of panic mode, John Walker suddenly appears looking more frustrated than Joaquín has ever seen the man look. (Which, in hindsight, wasn't a good comparison considering he doesn’t exactly know the other man well.) 

“You’re a fucking piece of actual human shit, you know that Rogers? I can’t believe I ever looked up to you. Take away all that fancy military propaganda, what are you?” Walker growls, and all Joaquín can do is make himself smaller and hope he isn’t included, yelled at or god forbid punched. He wasn't sure why John would be mad at him, but he was sure there was something he did along the way to warrant the same level of anger. 

Turns out, Steve isn’t perfect and untouchable as Joaquín previously thought because when he stands up, his nose is bleeding. The sight alone is enough to make him smile, and he hears himself silently laughing at how Steve isn’t able to laugh this one off. This is exactly what he’s been hoping for, something to wipe that damn smug smile off his face. This suits Steve a lot better anyway, a sick part of Joaquín enjoys the sight of Steve actually struggling for once. He definitely was only going to address this later using the therapy his military benefits pays for. 

“Y’know, this isn’t how I pictured our first meeting. I thought it’d be a lot more- civil. But I guess I haven’t been doing the best things have I? So it makes sense that eventually someone from Bucky’s inner circle comes to yell at me. I’m assuming he told you everything I’ve been getting up to? A shame, he used to be so good at keeping secrets.” Steve was back to his weird, giddy self and Joaquín felt all of enjoyment leaving his body. The blood still dripping from his nose at least gave him a little hope that Steve’s still a little debauched, not as perfect as he usually is.

A weird, sick part of Joaquín doesn’t want Steve to wipe it away. Let the wound bleed, let him have this. It makes him feel almost cold inside to know he's stooped so low that he's desperately hoping that someone stays slightly covered in their own blood just so he can get a sick satisfaction from seeing it. 

“I thought I’d only ever see you in a museum, where you belong.” Walker’s voice was stone cold, no nonsense to be found. It made Steve uncomfortable, because John clearly wasn’t as easy to fuck with or even mold like his dear old Joaquín is. This was going to be a lot harder than he thought, but he certainly wasn’t going to let his nervousness show. He didn’t get this far just to get fucked over by his failed successor. 

Soon, they were all idling in Joaquín’s dorm living room, the tension was palpable. John looked like he was about to tear Steve a new one, and Joaquín wasn't exactly going to stop him. Meanwhile, Steve was just thriving off of the drama of it all, not exactly accepting responsibility or acknowledge he's the fucked up one in this situation. Steve is lounging on one end of the couch, Joaquín is awkwardly huddled on the other end. John has opted to stand, his expression unreadable as he only glances over at Joaquín but keeps his attention on Steve, his expression more betrayed than mad which honestly would've felt worse if Steve still kept into his moral compass. 

“Torres.”

Joaquín honestly didn't expect to be scolded this early on, but he straightened up the moment John addresses him. He slowly realized just why the man was picked to be Captain America at all, his presence is quite demanding in itself.

“Sam was worried about you when you didn't call or give any indication you got into New York. He got worried, and so did Bucky. I did a little digging and people saw you with someone who looks like Steve avoiding cameras in the airport and on your way here. It didn't take a genius to figure out what was going on, but you really should've reached out sooner. But I can't exactly blame you for not doing so. This is going to be handled, trust me. He won't be bothering you after this.” Walker sounded so resolute, that Joaquín just found himself nodding and holding onto his word. It was surprisingly lenient, considering everything he could’ve been yelled at for. 

“God, acting meek again just because the big strong US Agent is here to save you from the big bad wolf? Please. I may not know you, but I've seen you have more of a spine.” Steve scoffs, but is startled when John just chucks a book from Joaquín’s bookshelf straight at Steve. 

“You don't get to talk to him like that. You only know the version of him that had to tolerate your bullshit mood swings. I couldn't imagine what he had to endure from you, it makes me sick just thinking about it.” John growls, furiously pointing at Steve like he was two seconds away from landing a second punch on the man. Steve actually looks annoyed for once, which was extremely confusing for Joaquín. 

Didn't Steve want to get seen for the bastard he is? So why is he mad that John is pointing it out? Or maybe he's annoyed that someone is interrupting their dynamic? Nevertheless, Steve wasn't exactly enjoying himself anymore now that there was another super soldier in the mix. Despite the new dynamic, Steve finds a reason to grin again as he moves across the couch with the speed only a super soldier can have. 

While making pretty direct eye contact with John, Steve yanks Joaquín onto his lap, who was pissed off at himself purely because he didn't exactly make any efforts to move away. He just slightly turned to really look at Steve, realizing his eyes are really blue before John clears his throat and knocks him out of that dangerous line of thinking. 

“I didn't think I'd have to do this. But you leave me no other choice, Rogers. I'm bringing Bucky in. As a matter of fact,” John snaps like he's giving an auditory cue and sure enough not two seconds later Bucky appears from the bathroom, making him the second super soldier who's broken into one of Joaquín’s military dorms. He looks a lot more disgusted and disappointed in Steve than Walker ever did. 

This knocks all the wind out of Steve’s sails, and suddenly he's not clutching onto Joaquín as tightly. John has to pull him off of Steve's lap, but it wouldn't be anytime soon that Joaquín ever addresses in himself why he didn't just leap off the first chance he got. 

“Just what the fuck have you been doing to Torres? Huh?” Bucky was in full interrogation mode, as John almost held Joaquín so he didn't go back to Steve. It felt weird, being stopped like this. He wasn't sure why he nearly went back, but he allowed himself to be held back regardless. Joaquín has to force himself to look away when Steve just gestures for him to get closer instead of actually responding to Bucky. This earns him a crisp punch to the nose, that certainly doesn't help his already bloody nose. Joaquín couldn’t stop himself from gasping at the sight of more blood coming from Steve. It was sick and twisted, but yet- he still felt himself reacting regardless. 

“Stop looking over at him, you sicko! Just what the fuck is wrong with you? I- nevermind. I don't even want to know anymore. I had all of these questions ready, I wanted to know what the fuck went wrong. But now that I've seen what you've let yourself become with Torres, I don't want anything to do with you anymore. I don't want us to be associated with each other ever again. This is just unforgivable. I can't wrap my head around it. John, take Joaquín out of here-” 

Bucky was in full leader mode, barking orders. Walker nearly drags him out but Joaquín feels himself yelling a bit louder than he means to. 

“No! Don't make me leave.” He wasn't sure why he needed to stay, but Joaquín’s gaze drifted over to Steve, who looked quite pathetic with his bloody and probably broken nose, and the bruise that he left on his cheek was still there. It was a sight so sad, of course it evokes a smile from Joaquín. John's expression is steel when he observes the silent exchange.

“Stop letting him get in your head-” John is shocked when Joaquín shoves him off instead of actually taking the advice.

“I can handle myself, you know. Sam trusted me with the wings for a reason. I'm not some helpless damsel you need to save from the big bad wolf.” Joaquín felt himself grimace purely because he's actually quoting Steve, and the reference is not lost on the other two super soldiers who look quite disturbed by his sudden defensiveness, glancing at each other like they needed confirmation that's indeed what they heard. 

This distraction gave Steve the chance to get off the couch to suddenly stand behind Joaquín, as he not so politely yanks him so they face each other and the next thing he knows they're kissing. He tastes like blood and spit, but neither of those were something that Joaquín finds himself very bothered by anymore. The kiss doesn't last very long, but when it's violently ended by a very fed up Bucky, does Joaquín realize he ever closed his eyes. He doesn't exactly have an excuse for licking Steve's blood off his lips. It's something he's definitely caught doing because now he's very forcefully being dragged out of the dorm. 

It was only when he's dragged outside of the dorm building entirely does Joaquín fully process what he's done. John looks disturbed as he's clutching his arm, leading him to a cafe on base where Sam was nervously sipping a coffee until he sees Joaquín. At first he's worried at the sight of the leftover blood on his lips until he sees Walker's disturbed expression. Joaquín uses one of the napkins at the table to wipe his mouth, almost embarrassed to look like this in public. 

Joaquín is forced to sit down as John gives Sam the full rundown on what happened in the dorm, and suddenly Joaquín feels like a teenage girl who was caught kissing the local bad boy who's done some terrible shit to the town, someone he was told to stay away from or else. Not only did he kiss him, but he licked the other man's blood off his lips. (At least they didn't know about the spitting on each other thing. That would definitely be a disaster, making him look a lot more suspicious than he probably already does.) After the whispered debrief, Sam equips this very disappointed dad look before sitting at the chair across from Joaquín. Walker walks off, presumably to go back to aiding Bucky and scolding Steve. 

“So, clearly something happened between you and Steve. Now I'm not even going to try and understand what went down but I need it to end right here and now. I want to really apologize for not doing something about Steve sooner, but none of us could have known he'd go after you. I would've made sure you weren't in his sights if I had anything to do with it. But what's done is done, and all I can do is help with the fallout. So, how about we just talk about it? I want complete honesty from you, not just something you think I wanna hear. I want to know how it really is between the both of you.” 

Sam Wilson, the man he is, of course is so understanding yet stern. Allowing so much grace for Joaquín in this complicated situation. It was an open ended question because of course it was, something to lure Joaquín into a sense of security so he can really put his heart on his sleeve for this. The worst part about everything is that not even Joaquín really understands what the fuck is going on between him and Steve. It wasn't pretty or good, but he wanted to see it through just to see how ugly it gets before everything ends and reaches its most sour. But that's not exactly a very conversation friendly explanation, so Joaquín scours his brain for something that would be.

“... He's my Crow. I don't know what else to say. We were supposed to be partners, I wanted to try and force him to be even a little normal until he fucked off to his weird little hobby staring at Bucky from afar like a creep. But he apparently thinks I need to be more outwardly confident, saying meekness doesn't suit me. The freak. God, I almost want the serum just so I can ruin the man the way he wanted to- that got dark. I'm sorry Sam, I shouldn't openly want the serum especially after everything happened with Walker.”

Joaquín felt really nervous now, because he hadn't meant to go into that much detail. But Sam stays calm, despite his clear alarm at how just deep things really went when no one else was around. The name Crow read like a nickname now that Joaquín was really thinking about it, but before he can explain himself Sam is already answering him. 

“... Things must've gotten serious. Do you wanna stay with me for a bit? I don't think I feel good leaving you alone after all that-”

Joaquín suddenly cuts Sam off mid sentence with a confession like he's under the pressure of needing to reveal his sins for forgiveness. 

“We both spit on each other earlier today. Then I hit him a lot.” 

Sam was thoroughly disturbed now, and Joaquín was beginning to regret ever bearing his heart or blurting out what happened like it was something that needed to be shared. 

“... You two really need to be separated. Stat. C'mon, you're coming with me. I don't care if we need to buy you a whole new wardrobe until we can move your stuff over. We're making sure you and Steve don't mesh again. That's- I don't even know what to call that.” Sam looks like he's genuinely worried, and for the first time today Joaquín actually feels bad. Everything was moving so fast, and people were changing more for the worse than the better. But alas, Joaquín let himself be led away from everything. 

Meanwhile, Bucky and John sit in silence, sitting in front of a knocked unconscious Steve. They got fed up with the way he was talking about Joaquín, so they decided they'd put him out of commission so they'd have privacy to talk. (Putting him in another room while handcuffed wouldn't work, he's got too good of hearing for that. So yes, knocking him unconscious was necessary.) 

“... I'm starting to regret not really getting to know Joaquín before this, because this suddenly got a lot more complicated.” Bucky groans, running a hand through his hair. John just groans, which definitely could be translated as an agreement. 

“Did you see the way they kissed? God, just what did Steve do? What happened in Nevada we don't know about? I just hope Sam is getting information from him.” John sighs, putting his hands on his hips like a stressed out dad. 

“It seems that wherever Steve goes, toxicity is starting to follow. It's unfortunate that someone was dragged down with him, especially in such a fucked up way. God, I can't believe he was going to disguise himself as some new hero just to get around me again.” Bucky growls this time, looking more and more frustrated by the second. Suddenly he's no longer mourning that kid from that apartment they shared in Queens anymore, he's furious at the man Steve has allowed himself to turn into. 

“Anyone who's willing to be a stalker for as long as he has doesn't have a moral compass anymore, they just have wants and whims. It seems that Joaquín became one of them. We really need to keep them apart, for the greater good. I'd hate to see the new Falcon’s life get ruined just because of some guy. He’s got too bright of a future.” John looks determined, there's not a trace of doubt in his expression that this was something they needed to do. Bucky looks slightly delighted to see Walker so steadfast about making sure someone he doesn't know well is saved from a problematic relationship. 

Both super soldiers suddenly feel a lot better as they hold hands, slightly leaning on each other as they wonder where they're going to keep Steve while keeping everything need to know, and make sure that Joaquín and Steve stay so far away from each other.