Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

College was supposed to be a fresh start. New beginnings and all that. Jared could be whoever he wanted to be. No one on the campus of ten thousand people would know anything about him. Well, almost no one. But the odds of running into that someone on a campus this big, in a completely different major, was negligible. Jared had run the mostly hypothetical numbers, he was pretty sure it wouldn’t be a problem.

Packing for college was difficult, to say the least. Jared had a lot of crap. Some of it definitely needed to come to college with him, some of it wouldn’t come but he still wanted to keep, a good chunk of it was stuff he should’ve thrown out years ago. His mom had suggested this would be the perfect time to fill a donation box, but Jared was stressed enough with packing, he wasn’t going to dig through everything he owned and perform a sentimentality analysis on it. 

His dorm was going to be small, cramped, and shared. He would have a desk which, based on the online photos, would have a single drawer. He’d get a wardrobe with two dresser drawers at the bottom. And he’d get a twin bed. The one saving grace was that his dorm was newly renovated which meant he and his roommate would have their own bathroom. No floor-wide shared bathrooms. No shower caddy he’d have to carry down the hall. No public shower stalls with only a flimsy curtain dividing him from a locker room full of other guys. He could deal with a shared room if this was the payoff. 

In the end, he had a suitcase full of clothes and toiletries, a box of school supplies and computer stuff, and some brand new sheets. He didn’t bring any decor. The walls in his room were crowded with movie posters and photos and pieces of lined paper with doodles on them, but college Jared was a new person, and current Jared hadn’t exactly figured out who that would be. He didn’t want to do anything that would commit him to any sort of personality quite yet, including disclosing his favorite movies. 

He asked his parents not to stick around on move-in day. He knew they were hurt but momma’s boy was definitely not the first impression he wanted to make and he knew his mother would be gushing about how grown up he was and introducing herself to everyone on his floor. He couldn’t handle that. He told them they could see the city while he moved in and then they could all go to dinner together after. They begrudgingly accepted. 

The girl at the welcome table was grinning before Jared even reached the shade from her E-Z up. 

“Hi! Incoming freshman?” She beamed at him like welcoming incoming freshmen was her life’s dream. 

“Uh yeah.” 

“Last name?”

“Kleinman.”

“K, k, k, k, oh! Kleinman comma Jared?”

“That’s me.” 

“Awesome!” She highlighted his name on the list and then flipped through a stack of thick yellow envelopes until she reached the one with his name. She passed the envelope to him. “That has your ID, campus map, and course catalog. You are in West Residential Dorm which will be straight down the way here and then it’s the big orange building on your right. They’ll give you your room assignment and dorm key. If you have any questions, I’m Dana!” She pointed to her name tag as if he needed proof. 

“Thanks.” Jared adjusted his backpack and started down the path she’d indicated. West Residential was hard to miss. It was a huge brick building that seemed to have been spray painted orange. There was a white sign on top, advertising the name, just in case he had any doubts. 

Jared stepped through the door that was being propped open with a heavy sign that read, “Welcome freshman!” He was immediately hit with a wave of cool air. He hadn’t realized how much he was sweating until he felt it begin to dry. It wasn’t the worst August he’d ever experienced, but it certainly wasn’t picnic weather. He approached the desk, unsure what else to do. 

“Hi. How do I figure out what room I’m in?”

“Name?” The girl at this desk was significantly less cheery than Dana. She typed Jared’s name in without looking at him and then said in the same dull monotone, “429. Fourth floor. On your right when you come out of the elevator. You need your student ID for the elevator to work.” She handed him a small brass key on a cheap lanyard. 

“Cool. Thanks.” Jared walked to the elevator where approximately a thousand other students and parents were waiting to go up. He briefly considered the stairs but decided “sweaty and out of breath” was also not the first impression he wanted to make. His roommate might already be here. He needed to look put together at their first meeting. Either to impress him if he ended up being cool, or to seem superior to him if he wasn’t. 

Eventually, he was crammed into an elevator with a freshman girl, her little sister, her mom, her grandma, and a luggage cart stacked with boxes. She pressed six and then asked Jared what floor he wanted. 

“Four. Please.”

She tapped her ID against the scanner again and pressed four. 

Jared had to practically climb out of the elevator when it stopped on his floor, trying not to elbow any of the girl’s family members. He finally escaped into the hallway only to find it was equally crowded. Luggage carts sailed up and down the hallways, some with luggage, some with small kids riding on top. He turned down the right hand hallway and saw the first two rooms were 401 and 402, meaning he was going to be all the way at the end. He was glad he’d decided to scope things out before lugging his stuff up here. He traipsed down the hallway, dodging people and boxes and furniture that had somehow ended up outside of their respective rooms. Finally, he reached room 429 to find the door was open. His roommate was already here. He took a breath and stepped inside.

“Hey, I’m Jared. I guess we’re—” He stopped dead in his tracks. “Are you fucking serious?”

“I’m sorry,” were the first words out of Evan’s mouth. 

He looked more or less the same as he had three months ago. His hair was a bit shorter. He was wearing a shirt Jared had seen a million times, but his jeans were new, not as frayed and worn as all his other pairs. His freckles were more prominent than usual, meaning he’d been spending time in the sun. 

“There’s no god damn way this is a coincidence. No way the universe is going to punish me like this. Do you know how many fucking freshman there are at this school? How many dorms there are?” 

“It’s–well, it’s not a coincidence,” Evan said. 

Jared whipped around. “What does that mean?”

Evan fidgeted. 

“What does that mean Evan,” Jared demanded through clenched teeth.

“They sent out an email…” Evan said quietly, “a few months ago. They said that if you wanted a specific roommate you could request them… and if they requested you too then you’d be put together. So I put in a request.” 

Jared narrowed his eyes. “But I didn’t request you .” 

“Yeah.” Evan’s face went red. “But um… I did, I went on your laptop and requested myself. Your login stuff was saved.” 

“Why?” Jared threw his backpack on the empty bed. “Why the fuck would you do that?” 

“Because I didn’t want to live with a stranger!” 

“And you think this is better?” 

“Well… at the time I did it we were still… you know… friends.” Evan shrugged pathetically. 

“You’re fucking unbelievable, you know that? You just do whatever you want all the time without thinking about anyone else.” Jared crossed his arms. He didn’t acknowledge that a few months ago, he probably wouldn’t have minded. That if Evan had asked him then, he’d have called Evan a bunch of names, but he would’ve submitted the request himself. 

“I tried to cancel it,” Evan mumbled. “But they said it was too late because the rooms were already assigned and unless there was something like a restraining order, there was nothing they could do.”

“There’s an idea,” Jared scoffed. 

“I didn’t—”

“Don’t,” Jared cut him off. “Don’t talk to me.” 

Evan wrung his hands. “Okay. I–sorry.”  

Jared turned and surveyed the room, as if there was some way he could construct a wall out of furniture so he’d never have to see Evan again. A thought occurred to him suddenly. 

“Is Heidi here?”

Evan hesitated, clearly unsure if he was allowed to respond. Eventually he shook his head and said, “she’s working.”

Jared didn’t feel bad for him. That kicked puppy look was not going to work on him anymore. 

“Good. I’m going to get the rest of my stuff.” Jared walked out without waiting for Evan’s response. 

They unpacked in silence. Jared refused to budge even as he listened to the chatter of lifelong friendships being formed spill in from the hallway. It didn’t take long to unpack and Jared texted his mom far earlier than he’d planned to pick him up for dinner. 

He’d meant to hang around longer, getting to know his new roommate, maybe even making friends with some of the neighbors. But he couldn’t stand another second in this room with Evan. 

Dinner was stilted and awkward. His parents kept asking about his new roommate and if he’d made any friends yet. They wanted to know what the dorm was like. Jared gave them vague answers and promised he’d let them know just as soon as he made a friend. By the time they were dropping him back off, he almost missed the quiet of the dorm room. 

“Who are you texting?” Evan’s voice broke through the silence that had settled over their room the past three hours. They were both sitting on their beds, on their phones, not speaking. Jared had established a no small talk rule early on. They were allowed to discuss issues with their shared space, shower schedules, and questions about missing items. That was all. 

Jared snapped his head up, glaring at Evan for not respecting the rules. He turned back to his phone without responding.

“You only have like four contacts,” Evan went on, not taking the hint. “And three of them are family.”

“I have one less than I used to,” Jared bit out. 

Evan was not deterred. “So who is it?”

“None of your business.” Jared turned back to his phone. Evan didn’t get to know things about him anymore.

“So your mom then.”

“Internet friends,” Jared snapped.  

Evan nodded.

“Don’t give me that look.”

“What look?” Evan blinked.

“That condescending look that you have,” Jared said. “Like they're not real.” 

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You were thinking it.” 

“I wasn’t,” Evan insisted. “I just didn’t know you had online friends.” 

“Yeah, not all of us are completely socially inept.”

Evan was quiet for a moment. He reached over and turned off his bedside lamp. “Night.”

Jared was left alone in his little circle of light. He felt a little bad for the comment, but he mostly felt annoyed for feeling bad. Evan was not allowed to guilt trip him like this. He was the one that fucked up their friendship. He was the one who’d said what he’d said the last time they talked. Jared could say whatever he wanted now and Evan would just have to deal with it. They weren’t friends anymore. Jared owed him nothing.

Chapter Text

Of course, Evan knew. He’d known the whole summer and the whole time he was packing and the whole time they were driving to campus. He knew he and Jared were going to be roommates. He knew Jared was going to be pissed. But some tiny, miniscule part of Evan had hoped that Jared would just be Jared about it. That he’d pretend the past year and a half hadn’t happened. He’d hoped Jared would see him, recover from a brief moment of shock, and make some dumb joke. Maybe he wouldn't even acknowledge everything that happened. And then maybe they’d just… go back to how they were before. He should’ve known that wouldn’t happen. But he definitely hadn’t been prepared for the fury in Jared’s eyes or the immediate ice out. 

Evan had allowed himself to hope for, even expect, a better first meeting. He thought there would be at least some chance at conversation. Some hope, if not to be friends then at least to be friendly .

He thought about the conversation he’d had with his mom, after everything fell apart.

Someday, this will all feel like a very long time ago, she’d said.

He wished that day was now. He wished he and Jared could look back on it all and laugh. Or, well… maybe not laugh. 

The bed springs on the other side of the room creaked as Jared rolled over again. Evan knew Jared was not going to sleep well. Jared could never sleep the first night in a new place. Or the second or third. Really, the only place he slept soundly was his own bed. Or Evan’s couch. The first couple sleepovers they ever had, neither of them slept at all. Jared because he couldn’t and Evan because he felt bad that Jared couldn’t and so stayed up with him. It took several attempts over a few years before Jared was able to drift off on Evan’s couch and sleep soundly all night. 

Evan wondered how long it would take Jared to settle in here enough to fall asleep easily. He wondered how long it would take for them to settle in as roommates. He wondered if Jared would ever speak to him about anything other than the pre-approved topics, or without the clear vitriol in his voice. There had to be a limit, right? A statute of limitations on how long Jared could hold a grudge. Even as he thought it, he knew that wasn’t true. Jared was a professional grudge-holder. As far as Evan knew, Jared was still angry with a cashier who’d accused them of shoplifting in seventh grade. He even remembered the guy's name. So if there was a limit, Evan was in for at least a decade. His only hope was that Jared would get worn out from being angry all the time now that they couldn’t escape each other. Maybe he’d break, talk to Evan just to have some relief from being angry. Or maybe out of sheer boredom. Evan would take either if they were offered. 

When things first fell apart, Evan thought maybe he’d be relieved that Jared had finally broken things off. He thought it would be better having no friends than one friend who wouldn’t even admit that they were friends. After all, their friendship had been rocky for years. Jared was always making jabs at Evan, pretending he only hung out with him because he had to, rolling his eyes at anything Evan was interested in. Space might be good. It might feel like a relief. He was wrong.

Everything was so much worse without Jared. Yes, he was annoying and irritating and remarkably good at sending Evan into anxiety spirals, but he was also… consistent. He was always there. For everything. In his absence, Evan realized that no matter what Jared said about it, he did care about Evan. He helped him when he was at his lowest. He cracked jokes to make Evan laugh. He asked about Evan’s life, even if he did it in an obnoxious way. He answered Evan’s phone calls every time. Going through hard times was a little less terrible when Jared was sitting on his floor making fun of Evan the whole time. 

There was no one there this summer. His mom tried, she really tried. And things were better between them now. But she didn’t, couldn’t possibly understand what Evan was dealing with. Not the way someone who’d gone through it with him could. But Evan had burned that bridge without a second thought, because he’d thought he was invincible. There was a moment, a peak like the top of a ferris wheel, when everything was going so perfectly. When Evan felt so… confident. So in control. He had the upper hand. Over Jared, over his own life. He couldn’t even conceptualize anything going wrong. And then the ferris wheel started to rotate, and everything crashed down around him and Jared didn’t stick around to see the wreckage. And why should he? After everything Evan had done, he deserved to be left behind. 

So, there was no one to sit on his floor this summer. No one to make stupid jokes for him to laugh at. No one to put on a movie when it got too quiet, or order pizza when Evan forgot to eat. He was alone.

His mom was sure that college would be the place for Evan. Where he’d “find himself.” Where he’d make friends and experience life. Evan was beginning to doubt that. He’d been here less than 24 hours and he felt more alone than he had in his entire life. Proximity to Jared made his absence from Evan’s life that much more prominent. 

Besides, Evan knew his success rates when it came to making friends. Jared had been a fluke, a friendship of proximity. They’d grown up together, seen too much of each other’s worst parts to not be friends. They’d grown around each other so neither of them knew how to disentangle themselves even if they’d wanted to. Now, Evan was a complete person. He had to walk into a classroom full of strangers and make them like him. Make them think he was funny and cool and nice. Make them want to invite him places. He had to make sure they didn’t see all the cracks and broken parts of him. And then he had to go home to the one person who saw all of them. Who’d seen those cracks form and, until recently, had never walked away. 

Evan stared up at the beige ceiling that would sit above him for the next nine months. It was beginning to hit him that this was where he lived now. There was no bedroom to hide in anymore. It was just him and Jared and the sad, beige walls. 

Chapter Text

The next day was Saturday and Jared had the whole weekend ahead of him with no plans. Well, okay he had a few plans. He needed to pick up his books, for one. He’d ordered them online and they were waiting for him at the campus bookstore. He also needed to spend some time familiarizing himself with the campus. He wasn’t going to be that guy that showed up fifteen minutes late because he didn’t know where any of his classes were. He also wasn’t going to be that guy wandering around lost with a campus map and looking like an obvious freshman. 

When he got up, Evan was sitting cross legged in his bed with wet hair. 

“I already showered,” he said, not looking up from his campus map. “So it’s all yours.”

Jared gave a grunt of acknowledgement. The map in Evan’s hands implied they had similar plans for the day which was irritating even though Jared was sure ninety percent of the freshmen would be doing the same. 

Evan was still there when Jared got out of the shower. He was hunched over his laptop, scrolling through emails. He looked up as Jared stepped into the room. 

“Did you—sorry—did you sign up for the book delivery thing? Where you pick it up from the bookstore?”

“Yes.” Jared pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of cargo shorts. Even this early, the sun looked threatening.

“Did they send you like a confirmation number or something? Or a code?”

“I think so.” Jared pulled out his phone just as he remembered he was supposed to be ignoring Evan. He had retired as Evan’s personal worry diffuser. “Yeah. I got a receipt with a code.”

“I never got anything. I just realized.” Evan was scrolling frantically up and down his email inbox. “The money came out of my account, I know that. But I don’t have a code or a receipt or anything.”

Jared shoved him aside and scrolled through his emails, slower. His eyes skimmed over the same fifteen welcome emails that were in his own junk folder by now. He saw a few emails with “Therapy Scheduling” in the subject line. There were a handful of promotions from stores. No bookstore confirmation.

“Did you delete it?”

Evan shook his head. “I never delete my emails. Except like, spam stuff. But not school related.” 

Jared pushed back from the desk and began looking for his shoes. “I’m sure they have your name on the order. You can probably just tell them that.”

“What if they don’t? Or if they’re not allowed to give it to me without the code?”

“Then I guess you’re screwed, Evan. I don’t know,” Jared huffed. “I’m not your college guru. Figure it out.” 

Evan pulled his signature kicked puppy look once again and Jared hated that it still worked no matter how hard Jared tried to ignore it. He was about to break anyway when Evan spoke.

“I won’t ask you for anything else after this. I promise. Just please, help me with this one thing, Jared. Then I’ll leave you alone.”

Jared focused very hard on getting his shoes on. Then he turned to Evan and sighed. “Fine.” 

They walked to the bookstore together, still not talking. Jared hoped they’d be able to get in and out in a few minutes and then they could go their separate ways. However, as soon as they spotted the bookstore, he realized that was out of the question. The line for book pick ups wrapped around the building. 

They took their place at the end of the line. Ahead of them, people chattered excitedly. Some people were clearly already friends, others were introducing themselves to the people next to them, sharing class schedules and dorm room numbers. There were a few parents sprinkled throughout the line, peering over their kids’ shoulders and taking constant pictures. 

Evan and Jared stood stiffly beside each other, shuffling forward every few seconds. Evan kept taking his phone out and checking something. If Jared had to guess, it was either his class schedule, or the list of books he was supposed to be picking up. 

Jared was determined not to start a conversation. They could suffer in uncomfortable silence. Evan could sweat and fidget and pick his nailbeds all he wanted. Jared was not going to speak. It was painful. Beyond painful. Even Jared, who was enforcing the silence, was starting to get twitchy. 

Finally, they reached the front of the line and Jared stepped up before Evan could. He recited his last name and his code to the guy behind the table. The guy disappeared to the back for a few moments and then returned with a cardboard box. 

“These are yours. Here’s a copy of your receipt. Please verify that they’re all in there and then sign this form confirming that you received all the books on your list and that if any of them aren’t returned you will be responsible for paying the remaining cost.”

Jared scanned the titles and then signed the form. Then he stepped to the side to let Evan fumble his way through his interaction.

“So I never got the access code,” Evan said, hands clearly already sweating. “Like, I paid for it. But I never got the confirmation email or a receipt. But the money came out of my account. I can show you my bank statement and—”

“What’s your last name?”

“Um, Hansen.”

“Evan or Caleb?”

“Evan.”

The guy walked away and returned with a box and then parroted the exact same speech he’d given Jared about verifying the titles.

Evan took his time checking each book. Then he signed the form, slid it across the table, and took his box.

“Wow,” Jared said, as they walked away. “Good thing you had me there. That was a shitshow.”

“Okay. I get it,” Evan grumbled. He set his box down on a bench, sat beside it, and pulled out his campus map, unfolding it and squinting at the building names. 

“Can you please just download the pdf map?” Jared huffed, shoving Evan’s map away. “This is embarrassing.”

“My phone data is slow,” Evan said, folding his paper map up anyway. 

Jared was already scrolling around the digital map. He had found the buildings for two of his classes. He looked up at the bookstore and then back at the map, trying to orient himself. 

“Is west this way or that way?” He swung his arm forward and backward. 

Evan looked around. “Neither. It’s that way.” He pointed to the left. 

“Then why are buildings with west in the name in front of us?”

Evan shrugged. He was staring at his phone where Jared could see the map had loaded halfway and then stopped. 

Jared sighed. “What buildings do you need?”

Evan dug in his pocket and pulled out a folded up piece of paper. He handed it over.

Jared scanned the list of classes. They were all different than Jared’s except one which was in the same building, on the same days, at the same time. Jared scrutinized the paper to make sure they weren’t in the same class. They weren’t. Evan’s was a communications class on the third floor. Jared’s was math on the fourth. 

“We both have a class in the Education and Business building,” Jared said and then started walking.

“Okay,” Evan scrambled to his feet like he was afraid Jared would leave him behind. 

They walked around the back of the bookstore and down the path. Jared scanned the building names as they went past, trying to keep track of where they were. He needed to get familiar with the buildings and routes, quickly.

The campus was actually pretty nice. There were tall, full trees that shaded large patches of grass where Jared imagined students would sit and study once classes started. Or maybe that was something that only happened in the movies. 

“There.” Evan pointed. 

The building was large and covered with windows. It was five stories high and the glass door was propped open. 

“Should we go in?” Evan asked, taking his schedule back from Jared and checking the room number. “I’m in room 327.”

“Mine’s fourth floor.” Jared started toward the door, Evan following behind him. 

As soon as they stepped inside they felt the cool relief of the AC on full blast. Jared scanned the hallway and then pointed.

“Elevator.” 

As they stepped inside, Evan hit the 3 button. Jared hit 4. He saw Evan glance at him but he said nothing. 

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open on the third floor. Evan stepped out and then hesitated for a moment, glancing at Jared. He looked like he was about to say something but the elevator doors started closing and he turned and walked away.  

Jared didn’t look for Evan after he found his class. He’d meant what he said. They weren’t friends. They weren’t going to tour campus together and have lunch and catch up. Jared wandered off to find the rest of his classes, trying to memorize the twisting hallways and branching concrete paths as he went.

He returned to his dorm with takeout from the Chinese place on campus. The room was empty. He sat at his desk and began to unpack his lunch and find a good YouTube video to watch. As he ate he wondered if Evan had gotten hopelessly lost and didn’t know where the dorm was. Or maybe he’d wandered down a dark alleyway on campus and been murdered. Jared grit his teeth as he realized he was worrying, wasting valuable brain power thinking about Evan when he promised himself he wouldn’t. He put his headphones on and pressed play on the first video essay he saw.

When Evan finally did come home, he was talking to someone in the hallway as he walked in. 

“Yeah, thanks,” he was saying as he pushed the door open.

Someone called something back but it was too quiet for Jared to hear.

Evan laughed and said. “Definitely. See you on Wednesday!” He closed the door and sat down at his desk. He was carrying his own takeout bag. He took out a burger and fries. 

Jared was not going to ask who he was talking to. He didn’t care. He didn’t want to know anything about Evan’s life. He didn’t care. He would not ask.

“Who were you talking to?” Fuck. 

Evan looked up like he was surprised Jared had spoken. “Uh, just some girl I met on campus. She happened to live here too. Down the hall. 410. We got food at the same place and walked back together.”

Jared stabbed at his Teriyaki chicken, resentful. He was supposed to be the one who made new friends first. He was the social one. The funny one. Evan was the weird, awkward one with the sweaty hands and the stammering. 

“We have a class together, that’s how we met. She was looking for the room too.”

Jared said nothing, angry at himself for asking. Angrier for being so transparent in his jealousy. He knew Evan could tell. 

“Her name’s Gia,” Evan went on in a clear attempt to avoid the silence stretching from Jared’s lack of response. 

“Cool.” Jared settled his headphones back over his ears and hit play on the video he’d started before Evan came in. 

They went on like this for days. Jared ignoring Evan, Evan ignoring Jared’s attempts to ignore him. Every once in a while Jared would respond to something out of necessity (“Are you gonna shower now or can I?” “Did you move the trash can?” “Is my phone over there?”) and then they’d end up talking for a moment, until Jared remembered they weren’t friends and promptly ended the conversation. 

Jared was determined. He would not break. He would not forgive Evan no matter how many attempts Evan made to chat, to make jokes, to ask about Jared’s life. Classes were starting tomorrow and Jared was eager to get out of the dorm, to have even more excuses not to speak to Evan. Hopefully, their schedules would be different enough that they’d hardly ever see each other.

Chapter Text

Meeting Gia felt like a miracle. She had been in the classroom Evan was looking for and, in fact, almost hit him in the face with the door on her way out.

“Sorry!” Evan said as he jumped back.

“Oh my— wait what?” She frowned. “Why are you sorry? I almost hit you .”

“I… uh, I don’t know.” Evan felt his face go red. 

“Well I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m Gia. Are you looking for classes too?”

“Evan, and uh, yeah. This one, actually.”

“No way. It’s not for Com 103 is it?”

“Um, yeah. I think so.” Evan dug his class schedule out of his pocket. It was crumpled and slightly damp from his sweaty hands. He scanned the list quickly. “Yeah. Com 103. Mondays and Wednesdays at 1.”

“No way!” Gia grinned. “Me too. Cool! I guess we’ll see each other in class.” 

“Yeah. Cool.” Evan felt a rush of relief. It didn’t matter that he may never speak to this girl again. The difference between walking into a room full of strangers, and walking into one with a single friendly face was monumental. 

“Are you looking for any other buildings? I was gonna get lunch after this but I wouldn’t mind walking around a bit more first. If you don’t mind some company?”

And for some reason, Evan agreed. They walked around and found the rest of Evan’s classes and then Gia showed Evan where there were a collection of restaurants and they got lunch. They chatted the whole time they walked. Or, well, Gia did. Evan didn’t talk much besides offering short responses to Gia’s stories. 

He learned that she had two sisters. Her parents were divorced and her dad was constantly trying to introduce them to his variety of new girlfriends. Evan offered up that his parents were also divorced, although his dad only had the one new wife. Gia said he was lucky. Gia’s mom was a third grade teacher and Gia was an English major, planning on teaching as well. She also relayed to him the entire play by play of the nasty break up she’d had with her high school boyfriend before moving for college. She talked for nearly twelve minutes without pausing to get through it all. 

Evan didn’t mind. He always enjoyed hanging around talkers. They didn’t linger in uncomfortable silence when Evan couldn’t think of anything to say. They didn’t look at Evan like he was weird when he didn’t offer personal stories in response to their own. He was perfectly content to listen to Gia talk and only open his mouth when she asked him a specific question. Like:

“What dorm are you in?”

“West Residential.”

“No way!” Gia slapped the table they were sitting at while they waited for their food. “Me too. What floor?”

“Four.”

“Shut the hell up!” She was practically shrieking. “We’re neighbors! That’s so funny. What are the odds? I mean, that’s kismet.” 

“Kismet?”

“Fate,” Gia said. “We must be destined to be friends.” 

Evan wasn’t sure about all that, but he liked Gia. She was funny and outgoing. She laughed at Evan’s lame attempts at jokes and she paid for lunch, waving off Evan’s protests. So maybe this year wouldn’t be completely, totally awful. Maybe he was capable of making friends who weren’t Jared. Which was good news seeing as Jared was still firmly mad at him.

When classes started on Wednesday, Gia knocked on Evan’s door and walked with him to class. She didn’t even ask if he wanted to walk together. Jared was already gone by that point. He’d left the dorm early that morning for his first class and didn’t come back in between. 

“Is this your first class?” Gia asked.

“Yeah. Yours?”

“Nah. I had an 8 a.m. this morning. Calculus. Ug.”

“I think I would literally die if I had to do math at 8 a.m.” Evan said, laughing slightly.

“Yeah, I’m seriously regretting my choices. My roommate was not happy about being woken up so early either. I think she exclusively scheduled her classes at noon or later.”

“Sounds like a smart plan.”

“Right? Wish I’d thought of that,” Gia sighed. “I tried to get all Monday, Wednesday, Fridays so I could have more days off. I only have one class on Tuesday, three hours, bleh. But nothing on Thursdays.”

“Lucky.” Evan hadn’t been quite so economical with his own class schedule planning. 

They reached the room they’d first met in and sat next to each other. Before class started, Gia struck up a conversation with the girl behind them and dragged Evan right into it. Evan knew his mother would be beaming if she could see him now. Apparently, he did something right, because at the end of class, Gia and her new friend Mallory liked Evan enough to invite him to be a part of their group for the final project. 

Evan walked home from his first college class in high spirits. Gia had another class right after com, so she didn’t walk home with him, but he didn’t mind. He liked the quiet and the walk was nice enough. He was almost halfway home when he finally recognized the backpack in front of him. It was Jared, walking home from his class in the same building. They were about twenty feet apart. Evan could easily job a few steps and catch up to Jared. But what would be the point? Jared had made it clear where they stood. He would just ignore Evan the whole way home. Then again, how awkward would it be when they reached the dorm only seconds apart and Jared realized that Evan had been walking behind him this whole time? Besides, last night before bed they’d talked for almost five whole minutes before Jared started ignoring him again. Evan sped up.

“Hey.”

Jared looked over and then looked forward again, not even deigning to give Evan a greeting.

“How’d your first day go?”

Jared continued to ignore him. 

“Mine was pretty good,” Evan tried. “I made some friends, I think.”

Jared stopped walking. “Did I not make myself clear?”

“What do you–?”

“We. Are not. Friends.” 

Evan blinked. He’d thought they were making progress. Their conversations were slowly getting longer and longer. He thought Jared was giving in. But now, Jared looked resolute. Angry. 

Jared turned and stalked off. Evan stood there in the middle of the walkway, watching him leave. 

Maybe there really was no point in trying to talk to Jared. Maybe he wouldn’t be worn down. He wouldn’t break. He would just go on acting like Evan didn’t exist. No, worse. Acting like Evan did exist and Jared was angry about it. The thought made Evan’s stomach sink. Just like the weeks leading up to move-in, he’d been letting himself hope. Believing that maybe there was a tiny chance things would go back to normal. And then that hope grew and grew, only to be shattered with that look from Jared. The fury in his eyes. It left no room for negotiation. Evan had finally lost the one person who’d been there through everything. The thought made him want to sit on the ground in the middle of the sidewalk and cry. But, of course, he couldn’t do that. Couldn’t let anyone see him like that. So instead he waited for Jared to turn the corner out of sight and then continued his walk home alone. 

Chapter Text

Almost two months after move-in, Evan came home and dropped his backpack on the floor loudly. Jared resisted the urge to glance over. 

Evan cleared his throat. “I got invited to a party tonight.”

It caught Jared so off guard that he turned. He quickly rearranged his face into a neutral expression, shrugged, and said, “good for you.” 

“Do you want to come?” 

It hung between them for a moment. Jared looked at Evan. Evan resolutely held eye contact even though he was clenching his fists tightly. 

“Why would I want to go to a party with you?”

“Oh my god, dude!” Evan threw his hands up. The nervousness he’d felt initially around Jared seemed to have melted off him in the past few weeks. “I get it! You hate me and we’re not friends and whatever. But Jesus, we have to live together all year. Does it have to suck the whole time? Do you have to make it as miserable as humanly possibly the entire year? Fuck.”

Jared was startled. He’d expected Evan to snap eventually, but he’d been expecting the snap to take place in the form of a breakdown. He expected crying, hyperventilating, shaking hands. That was the Evan he knew.

Evan stood there. He crossed his arms but didn’t look away from Jared’s face. Apparently, his question was not rhetorical. He wanted an answer. 

Jared was tempted to give him one. To say yes, it had to suck. It had to because the five months before college had sucked for Jared. It had to be miserable because Jared was miserable. Instead, he turned back to his computer and said, “What time?”

He heard Evan let out a short breath. Relief, even if he pretended he wasn’t nervous. “Nine.” 

“Kay.” Jared reached for his headphones to end the conversation. It wasn’t as simple as that. They weren’t just friends again. But Evan was right. It would suck to live like this for seven more months. Maybe there was something in between best friends and mortal enemies.  

At eight forty-five (because Evan thought it would be rude to be late no matter how many times Jared explained that no one was paying attention to what time people showed up at a college party), they set off. Evan neglected to tell Jared until seven thirty that it was a themed party. Animal themed, specifically.

Jared had scoffed, asking if they were five, and then proclaiming that he guessed he wouldn’t go since he didn’t have anything to wear. Evan flushed slightly and then dug a plastic bag out of his backpack. From it, he pulled two pairs of Party City headbands. One had fuzzy leopard print ears and the other had spotted puppy dog ears. 

“Your choice.” He held one in each hand. Jared snatched the leopard ears. 

So now they were walking down the street with Evan’s new best friend Gia. Gia who had insisted on “making them up” for the theme. So now Evan had an eyeliner puppy dog nose and Jared had a few leopard spots on his cheeks and forehead. Gia was a bee. Not an animal, Jared had pointed out, but she seemed unphased. She was in a tight, black and yellow striped dress, with wings and antennae that looked like they came from the same place as Evan’s ears. She was also wearing six inch platforms that made her both tower over and outpace them both. 

The party was everything Jared imagined college parties to be. The music was so loud it made his teeth vibrate. Everyone was half dressed and mostly drunk. It smelled like sweat and alcohol and weed, which made Jared sort of nauseous. He followed Evan who followed Gia and they ended up at a plastic table lined with paper cups full of red liquid. Gia picked one up and handed another to Evan.

“These have just been sitting here?” Evan yelled over the music.

Gia nodded, taking a drink of hers.

“And we’re just supposed to drink them? What if someone put something in them?”

For once, Jared actually agreed with Evan’s anxious hesitancy. Drinking room temperature alcohol from a cup that had been sitting unattended for god knows how long didn’t seem like a great idea. 

Gia insisted it was fine, pressing a cup into Jared’s hand too. Evan and Jared looked at each other. Then, Evan seemed to come to a silent decision and he swallowed his in one gulp. Jared, not to be outdone at a party by Evan fucking Hansen, followed suit. The drink burned his throat and he almost gagged. It tasted like alcohol, but worse, it tasted like fruit punch and rootbeer at the same time. He forced himself to swallow, to not throw up, and set his empty cup on the table. 

Jared was not a dancer, and he knew Evan wasn’t either but somehow they ended up in the center of the dance floor. Gia was the only one of the three of them who could actually be described as dancing. Evan and Jared awkwardly swayed, slightly off beat. All three of them held fresh cups of what Gia had called “jungle juice.” The girl behind Jared kept elbowing him in the back. Evan caught his eye as she did it for the tenth time. He was smiling slightly. Jared tried to scowl but he couldn’t hold it, feeling his lips pull up instead. 

Suddenly, they were laughing, both of them. Chest heaving, doubled over laughing. Evan was grabbing Jared’s arm to keep his balance and Jared couldn’t be mad that they were having fun together because he hadn’t laughed this hard in months. 

They eventually found themselves outside. Gia had left them at some point for a group of girls who actually squealed when they saw her. Jared had just finished drink number three and was feeling it rush around his head. Evan was giggling uncontrollably and it was stirring up long buried emotions in Jared’s chest like dust particles, filling his lungs, making it feel like he was choking. Evan’s nose makeup was smudged. Jared imagined his own was fairing no better with how sweaty he’d been while they were dancing. The cold night air felt amazing on his face. They were sitting on the low brick wall of a planter and they’d been talking for a while though Jared could hardly recall what about. 

They were distracted by the sound of shouting as two frat guys stumbled out the sliding glass door and began shoving each other. Evan’s hand landed on Jared’s forearm and before Jared could think too hard about it, Evan said, “Let’s go home.”

Jared agreed. 

They walked down the streets in the direction they believed their dorm to be. Jared had very confidently announced that he knew where they were going, now he just needed to be right. The relief he’d felt from the cold was turning into shivering. They bumped into each other as they walked, neither able to keep their feet in a straight line.

Evan was rambling about a class he had, apparently determined to relay to Jared everything that had happened in it since the first day of school. He’d been doing that all night. Talking like he’d been saving up things to tell Jared and now he had to get them all out before Jared decided they weren’t speaking again.

That reminded Jared that they weren’t supposed to be speaking. Or friends. Or whatever. Evan had suggested that it didn’t need to suck, but that didn’t mean they were besties. It didn’t mean that Jared forgave him.

“Aha!” Jared shouted suddenly, pointing up ahead. He could see the top of their building, one block away.

“Oh good, I’m freezing and my legs hurt,” Evan said, rubbing his arms.

Jared marched on. The buzz was still heavy in his head. He thought the cold was supposed to sober you up, but his brain still felt like soup. They climbed the stairs to their floor, Jared couldn’t remember why they didn’t take the elevator. They continuously bumped into each other, giggling and then violently shushing each other as they climbed. It was late and they kept reminding each other that people were sleeping, although there was a good chance just as many of them were not.  

“Shhhhh!” Evan hissed. The sound went up in pitch as he struggled not to laugh. He was pushing Jared into the wall, grabbing the handrail behind him. 

“ You shhh!” Jared said back and he was grinning and he couldn’t seem to stop.

“You!” Evan said. He was leaning almost his full weight on Jared. They kept crashing into the wall as they climbed the stairs. It was like Evan was magnetically attracted to Jared, he just kept sticking to his side. 

Finally, they made it into their room. Jared kicked off his shoes and dropped into his desk chair. Evan looked at him and burst into giggles again. 

“What?”

“Your makeup is all smudged.”

“So is yours.” Jared stood and went to the bathroom mirror. The leopard spots so carefully drawn hours ago were now smudges. He looked more like a chimney sweep than a leopard. It was only that moment that he realized his ears were missing. 

He patted his head. “Lost my ears.”

Evan laughed. “You’ve managed to ruin every part of your costume.”

“Whatever.” Jared pulled the dog ears from Evan’s head. “Now you’re not a dog either.”  

Evan only laughed harder. He leaned toward Jared, grinning. “You’re dumb.”

“ You’re dumb.”

“I’m glad you came,” Evan said, quieter. 

“Yeah, well…” Jared couldn’t think of anything else to say. 

Evan didn’t move away like Jared thought he would. He stayed there, in Jared’s space. He raised his eyebrows slightly, like he was daring Jared to do something. 

So Jared did. He leaned forward, tilted his head up, and kissed Evan. Evan didn’t even seem surprised. The second Jared leaned in, Evan’s hands were on Jared’s face and he was kissing him back. They stumbled across the room, nearly tripping over Jared’s discarded shoes, and landed on Evan’s bed. 

Jared felt dizzy and breathless. Evan’s hands were on his hips, fingers hooked through Jared’s belt loops. Jared could smell Evan’s shampoo and his sweat and his heart was going crazy.

And then, suddenly, Jared was pulling away. He pushed himself up and looked down at Evan.  

Evan blinked up at him. His face was flushed. “What?”

Jared swallowed. He should shut up. He should just shut up and kiss Evan like he’d been wanting to do since they were sixteen. He should shut up and not ruin this good thing.

Instead, he said, “I need you to apologize.”

Evan looked bewildered. “What?”

“I can’t... I need you to apologize first. Before we can do this. Before we can be friends.”

Jared waited. Evan stared up at him. He opened his mouth and then closed it again. He said nothing. 

Jared climbed off Evan’s bed and crossed the room to his own, turning off the lights as he went. He took off his jeans, leaving them in a pile on the floor, and climbed under the covers.

“Jared,” Evan said, but Jared didn’t roll over and Evan didn’t say anything else. 

The next morning, Jared woke up with eyeliner smudges on his pillowcase. He wondered how hard that would be to get out. He pushed himself upright and his slight headache grew into a pounding spike in his brain. He looked over. Evan was still asleep. His nose still had traces of eyeliner and his curls were smushed against his pillow. 

Jared dragged himself out of bed to retrieve his water bottle from his desk. He drank half of it before taking a breath. His head continued to pulse. He needed food. He needed to shower. He set his water bottle down and the sound made Evan stir. Jared grabbed a blind handful of clean clothes and launched himself into the bathroom and turned the shower on. He couldn’t talk to Evan right now. He couldn’t look at Evan right now. Possibly ever again. 

He shed his clothes and stepped under the hot water. Their water pressure wasn’t all that great but today Jared didn’t care. He stood there for a while, letting the water melt off the remnants of last night. He rubbed his face and his hands came away with watery black streaks. He scrubbed until his skin felt raw. He wanted all of it off. The sweat and the makeup and the touch of Evan’s hands. Sparks of pain in his hips caught his attention and when he looked down he saw a few small yellow bruises blooming. No doubt from the handrail in the stairwell that Evan kept pushing him into. 

When he finally turned the water off he felt only mildly better. He was clean, at least. But his head still hurt. And he could hear shuffling in the room, which meant Evan was awake. Jared braced himself, wondering how quickly he could grab his keys and leave the room. Also wondering whether Evan would even try to talk to him. He dried off as much as he could, standing in the steam filled shower room. Then he got dressed, which he hated doing while he was still damp, but… desperate times. Then he took a breath and shoved the door open.

Cool air hit him immediately but he didn’t pause to enjoy it. He bee-lined for his desk, ignoring Evan who was watching him the whole way. He grabbed his keys and a pair of shoes from the floor and he was in the hallway before Evan even got the second syllable of his name out. 

He jammed his feet into his shoes in the hallway. He hadn’t risked stopping for socks so he was left with the disgusting feeling of his bare feet against the inside of his sneakers. He’d also left his towel and dirty clothes in a pile in the bathroom. Not very good roommate behavior, but Evan would just have to fucking deal with it. 

Jared didn’t have much of a plan after getting his shoes on. He just needed to get out of there. He walked downstairs slowly, remembering being on these stairs only hours before. Laughing and shushing Evan, feeling invincible and stupid and happy. 

He paused just before the exit door and took a deep breath. Why the hell had he done any of that last night? Why did he kiss Evan? Why did he stop kissing Evan? Why did he ever let Evan convince him that they should start talking again?

He pushed the door open and crossed the lobby. The sun was blazing and Jared immediately covered his eyes as he stepped outside. The bright morning was certainly not helping his headache. Food. He needed food.

Chapter Text

Evan didn’t know why he couldn’t say it to Jared. The word that usually rolled off his tongue five times a conversation suddenly caught in his throat, refusing to come up. He wanted to apologize. He was sorry. But he just couldn’t say it. His mouth wouldn’t work. His brain wouldn’t let him. And now he’d ruined everything. Not only whatever it was that was happening between them last night, but all the progress they’d made since day one. 

Jared had gone from polite, necessary conversations only, to willingly agreeing to come to a party with Evan, to complete silence. He’d walled Evan off. He wouldn’t even respond to questions about the room anymore. If Evan asked if he was planning on showering, he’d either get up and do it, or he’d not acknowledge the question at all, which Evan took to mean he could have the bathroom. 

Every attempt was met with nothing. Evan tried joking, small talk, even pleading. But Jared wouldn’t speak. He wouldn’t even look at Evan, and Evan didn’t know what to do. He’d been offered a chance. Jared had given him the opportunity to fix things. They could’ve been friends. They could’ve been something else too.

He didn’t try to apologize. He kept thinking about it. Kept trying to start. But he was terrified that it wouldn’t work, that it was too late. If he did it, if he actually said sorry now, and Jared didn’t care, then what? That would mean it was really, truly over for them. At least, if he didn’t try, he could pretend there was still a chance to salvage things. 

“Why so down?” Gia asked, dropping into the seat beside Evan. She’d gone to get an iced coffee before class and her cup was making a small puddle on her desk. 

“I’m fine,” Evan said because that’s what he always said.

“You’re mopey.” Gia took a sip of her coffee. 

“I’m just tired.” Evan forced a smile. He couldn’t talk to Gia about Jared. There was too much to explain. He wouldn’t even know where to start. She knew Jared, of course. They’d gone to that party together and she sometimes saw him when she came to pick Evan up for class or to hang out. Jared made as little small talk with Gia as possible, but he was never openly hostile. Gia just assumed they weren’t great friends, she didn’t even know they’d known each other before college. 

Gia accepted his answer, patting him on the back. “Want a caffeine hit?” She offered her drink.

Evan shook his head. “Thanks. I think I’ll just take a nap when I get home.”

He wouldn't. He could never sleep during the day when Jared was there. He could always hear Jared moving around and couldn’t seem to turn his brain off enough to actually fall asleep. 

Jared hadn’t been sleeping much better either. Evan still heard him tossing and turning every night. Any progress he’s made since move-in day seemed to have disappeared. Evan was a little concerned he wasn’t getting any sleep at all. Not that he could voice that concern. 

The days felt excruciatingly long and yet somehow they flew by. Evan saw Jared less and less in the dorm. He seemed to be on a mission to spend sunrise to sunset anywhere but home. Evan should’ve loved having the room to himself, but he was just painfully aware that Jared was not there because Evan was. 

It got so bad that Evan almost called his mom to ask for advice. He decided against it. He knew she would just give him some shit about how friendships are ever lasting and he should just be open and communicate with Jared. She didn’t understand that communication wasn’t really he and Jared’s thing. 

His attempts at conversation got more and more pathetic. 

“Finally seems like it’s getting cold,” he said, shedding his jacket and tossing it on his desk. 

Jared continued typing like he hadn’t heard anything. 

“I mean, I can actually wear layers now, which is nice. I like layers.” 

Jared slowly closed his laptop. He stood up, picked it up, and walked out of the room. 

Evan flopped onto his bed, burying his face in his pillow. 

He still saw Jared on the way to and from class sometimes. He’d seen him across the room at a few parties. A few times he’d even been tipsy enough to try and approach Jared, but he would always disappear before Evan could get through the crowd to him, leaving Evan feeling lost and alone and… sad. 

Evan still didn’t really enjoy parties at all, but he had friends now. Gia, of course, but also Mallory and Freddy from their com class. Sometimes a few others too. And they seemed to like Evan, so they kept inviting him, and Evan kept saying yes because he was scared that if he said no, they’d stop hanging out with him. They’d develop new inside jokes he didn’t get and have stories he wasn’t a part of and forget to ask him to come to lunch before class and slowly, he’d get phased out of the friend group and in four years they’d all graduate together and take pictures in their caps and gowns and none of them would even remember Evan Hansen. So he went to a lot of parties. 

There was one other thing distracting Evan from his Jared problem. In one week, he had his biggest speech due for com class. The ones in the past had either been group projects or much shorter. They also allowed him to read directly from a pre-written script. This time, he was supposed to give a ten to fifteen minute speech on a novel, movie, or song of his choosing. He was to briefly describe the plot, explain a major theme, and provide two specific details that supported the theme. He was allowed one notecard with bullet points to reference, but he was not allowed to read directly from it.

As sad as Evan was about Jared not talking to him and the implications of what had happened after the party, he couldn’t focus on anything other than this speech which was twisting his stomach into violent knots. 

“Evan, it’s gonna be fine,” Gia said for the millionth time. “As long as you hit the three criteria on the rubric: summary, theme, and evidence. That’s all she cares about.”

“No, no,” Evan shook his head. “Cause the rubric also says that you’re graded on-on-on fluidity and projection.”

“So be fluid and project.” Gia shoved him lightly.

Evan laid his head on the table. They were sitting outside a coffee shop on campus, practicing their speeches. Gia nailed hers in one go and decided she didn’t need anymore practice. Evan had just finished his sixth attempt. Not a single one went smoothly. 

“You’re overthinking it.” 

“I’m thinking exactly enough.” 

Gia groaned. She had a far lower tolerance for Evan’s whining than… certain other people did, historically. 

“Let’s just go get some ice cream and watch a movie. We can invite everyone to crash my dorm and have a slumber party.” 

Evan lifted his head. He knew that a movie night would not help, but he could see the hope in Gia’s eyes. The hope that Evan would let this go. 

“One more. And then movie.” 

Gia sighed. “Okay. Last one.” 

Evan ran through his speech approximately twenty-seven more times before the day came around. He practiced it in the shower, at a low volume so Jared wouldn’t hear. He mumbled it under his breath as he walked to class. He silently mouthed it in the dark when he couldn’t sleep. By the night before the due date, he could get through the whole thing without stumbling too much, and without forgetting anything. 

The morning of the assignment, Evan vomited into his desk trash can.

Jared stared at him from the sink where he’d been brushing his teeth. 

Evan sank to the floor, cradling the trashcan between his legs. “Fuck. I’m so fucked. I’m so beyond fucked.” 

Jared spit into the sink, rinsed his mouth, and walked back across the room. Evan thought for a moment that Jared was going to crouch down and ask if he was okay. Or maybe offer to bring him some water. Instead, Jared grabbed his backpack from its place on the back of his desk chair and turned around.

Just before the door shut, he said, “Take out that trash bag before you leave.” 

It was the first thing he’d said to Evan in weeks. 

In the end, Gia had to practically drag Evan to class. He protested every step of the way, twisting and squirming, but her grip was somehow insanely strong. She forced him into his seat and kept her hand clamped on his arm so he couldn’t run.

He gave his speech, only stuttering twice, and then promptly left the room and threw up in the bathroom. He got a B plus.

Chapter Text

Jared was done with Evan. He’d thought maybe they could actually move past everything that had happened last year, but if Evan couldn’t even give Jared a single word of apology, there was no point in pretending. They weren’t going to be friends. No chatting late at night like it was a sleepover. No getting lunch together. No parties or drunk giggling or study groups. And certainly no kissing. 

Evan made a few pathetic attempts to start conversations, but Jared was resolute this time. His ears were starting to hurt from the near constant headphone wearing. He found any possible excuse to be on campus or at coffee shops or anywhere else he could loiter. He stayed at the library until they kicked him out and then went straight to bed when he got home. 

There were only five weeks until winter break. The thought surprised Jared slightly. He was only a bit more than a month away from finishing his first semester of college. He’d been doing okay, all things considered. He was passing all of his classes, and even had solid A’s in two of them. He had a few friends in each class, except bio which was mostly lecture and didn’t leave a lot of room for chatting. Just last week he’d gone out for lunch after his lit class with a few guys he’d been in discussion groups with. His mom called every weekend and while Jared didn’t answer every time, he answered most of them. He told her about his friends and his classes. He did not tell her about Evan. He knew he probably should. In just five short weeks, Jared would be back home and he’d no doubt be reminded by his mother that Evan was home too, and wouldn’t it be fun if they reconnected. Maybe Heidi had already told his mom that they were roommates. Either way, at home he would at least be further away from Evan, if only by a few blocks. 

After that, spring semester would start and there would only be four months until summer. Which meant move-out, and then Jared would never have to see Evan again. He could forget all his anger and his humiliation at having kissed him. He could move on. Finally. And once Evan was gone, perhaps Jared’s thoughts would stop being constantly consumed by him. 

Evan was with Gia, walking thirty feet ahead of Jared, on his way to the class Jared had in the same building. Evan was always with Gia. They walked to class together, got lunch together, Evan disappeared to her dorm room and came back hours later. They were clearly close. It wasn’t fair. Gia was tall and beautiful and outgoing. The exact kind of person Evan should have been nauseous at the thought of speaking to. And yet, there they were, literally walking arm in arm. Jared didn’t know when Evan had become the sort of person to make his own friends. Or to touch people so easily. 

Jared tried not to watch them. He tried not to hear their conversations when she came to get Evan and he was still putting his shoes on. He tried not to care that they were friends or wonder if they were more. He wasn’t very good at either.

Evan had always been awkward and clumsy and anxious. Jared didn’t really understand why that drew him. None of the other boys he’d ever liked, and there were plenty of others, were anything like Evan. The other boys Jared found himself crushing on were always confident. Funny. Charming. Guys with charisma. Evan Hansen had zero charisma and no charm to speak of, so it really didn’t make sense that he was the boy Jared always came back to. He supposed it didn’t matter anyway. He’d have to put an end to that now. 

So he didn’t let himself slip even a bit. He wouldn’t respond to anything Evan said. He wouldn’t look at him when they were in the same room or at the same party. He was completely withdrawn. Evan was a stranger to him. 

Luckily, finals season was quickly upon them. Jared had hardly gotten settled into his college routine and suddenly he had essays to write and exams to study for and labs to prep. It became much easier to avoid Evan when he actually had reason to be in the library all day. He told himself it was to help him focus, but really, the library was quite distracting. The printer always seemed to be whirring. There was a table of boys who seemed to spend every single day there arguing over complex chemistry equations. And the girl at the check out desk had an irritating habit of constantly tapping her nails on her desk. Really, Jared went to the library to open his essay doc and people watch. He wasn’t worried about the final. English may not have been his favorite subject, but he was pretty good at it. He could bang out an essay the night before and get a passing grade. He wasn’t planning on waiting till quite the last minute, seeing as college professors likely had slightly higher standards than his remedial English high school teachers, but he’d wait a few more days before he attempted to make serious progress. Over the course of the next week he’d need to submit the essay, take three in class exams, and attend one final lab. Then, he’d be free. 

His bio lab was going to be long, but likely not that difficult. Jared wasn’t worried about his math test either, he’d been passing every quiz without sweating all semester. Psychology… that one might be dicey. They were going to have a 100 question final with two short answers. Jared was passing psych, but there were a lot of terms and names and he wasn’t exactly good at memorization. As for philosophy, he had that in the bag. The final was one in class writing assignment and Jared was amazing at making up philosophical bullshit. He’d gotten rave reviews on all of his discussion posts so far. 

In the end, he managed to survive all of his finals, and he felt relatively the same confidence level after taking them as he did before. No surprises. There was no use thinking about it further until final grades were posted next week. What he needed now was to relieve some stress. Luckily, as he walked out of his last exam, a guy he’d spoken to about twice had handed him a flyer for an end of the semester party. Jared didn’t realize people actually made flyers for parties, but it sounded like just what Jared needed before driving home and spending three weeks with his parents.

Chapter Text

Finals had wiped Evan out. His last two had been back to back two hour written exams. By the end he was sure whatever he’d written was probably completely incomprehensible, but it was turned in and for now, that was all Evan needed. He’d find plenty of time to stress about his grades later. 

He got home from his last final and immediately fell asleep for three hours. He probably would’ve slept longer if his phone hadn’t started ringing and woken him up. 

He clumsily swiped to answer when he saw who it was. “Gia? What’s up?”

“Hey! Why do you sound like you just woke up?”

“Cause I did.” Evan pushed himself up right and stretched. Jared was still gone. “Finished my last final and needed a nap.”

“You’re adorable,” Gia laughed. “Well, wake up. There’s an end of the semester party tonight and we are going.”

“I don’t know.” Evan was really hoping to eat some take out, watch a movie, and go to bed. “I’m pretty tired still.”

“It’s the last day of the semester, Evan. That means after this everyone’s gonna start going home for break. Including me ,” she said pointedly. “My flight is at noon tomorrow. So this is our last night to hang out for like a whole month.”

“Well can’t we just hang out then? Does it have to be a party?”

“Yes,” she said firmly. “Don’t become a party pooper now. I’ll even buy you dinner. I’m on my way back to the dorm. Meet me in the lobby in twenty minutes. Be dressed for the party.” She hung up before Evan could answer. 

He didn’t really know how to be dressed for a party. He always just wore a T-shirt and jeans. It was cold today and would only get colder, so he mixed it up this time with a long sleeve v-neck. He considered taking another quick nap while he waited for Gia to get there, but he wasn’t confident that he’d wake up on time. So instead, he scrolled on his phone and changed his shirt three times, ending up with the same one he started with. 

Gia was already in the lobby when Evan stepped out of the elevator. They walked to a restaurant two blocks away, and she bought him pasta with extra breadsticks as an incentive for going out. They brought the food back to her dorm room to eat. Gia alternated between eating her ravioli and doing her makeup. Evan was sitting on the floor across from her, watching as she swept glitter across her eyelids. 

She caught his eye. “Want some?”

“No thanks,” Evan laughed. “I don’t think I could pull it off as well as you do.”

“I think you could rock it,” Gia said, turning back to her mirror. “You could use a little, she eyed his outfit in the reflection, umph in your style.”

“What’s wrong with my style?” Evan tugged self-consciously on his shirt. 

“Nothing. You just dress very plain.” Gia waved a hand. “Which is totally fine if that’s what you’re into. I’m just saying. A nose piercing, some eyeliner… something to spice it up wouldn’t kill you.”

“A nose piercing?” Evan scrunched up his face. “You sound like you’re trying to turn me into one of those emo dudes you love.”

Gia had to stop filling in her eyebrows because she was laughing so hard. “You would look so good with a full emo look. But no, I just mean some accessories or something.” 

“I’m not an accessories guy.”

Gia shrugged, dumping her trash into the tiny dorm trashcan and tying the top. She stood and went into the bathroom, where Evan heard her brushing her teeth. 

He leaned back on her bed, staring up at the springs of the top bunk. He didn’t know where her roommates were but he assumed they’d run into them later. He thought about how strange it was to be sitting here, alone with a girl in her dorm room, and feel no twist of anxiety in his stomach. Well, there was a little twist, but that was the usual pre-party anxiety. It wasn’t about Gia. Sometime in the past five months he’d become comfortable around her in a way he was with very few people. 

Gia returned to the room and leaned into her mirror once more. She uncapped a pencil and dragged it around her lips. Then she swiped a lip gloss across the top and rubbed them together. “Done. Let’s go.” 

Evan was relieved at how many people were going with them to the party because it meant he had a greater chance of sneaking away unnoticed. He decided he would go, have a drink or two, and then slip away once everyone else was drunk enough to lose track of each other. 

They found Gia’s roommates, and a few people from comm in the backyard. They all excitedly led Gia and Evan to the drinks and then dragged their chain inside to the dance floor, connected by clasped, sweaty hands. 

Unlike most parties, this one seemed to be playing songs Evan actually knew. Although, he realized, maybe it was just that he knew more party music now. He still didn’t dance much but he’d stand in a circle with his friends and sway awkwardly to the beat. He had a few drinks as they alternated between the dance floor and the bathroom line. Then he had a few more as they sat outside getting some fresh air. He’d lost count of exactly how many he’d had but he was feeling chatty and happy. 

Gia had her arm around Evan’s shoulder and someone was taking a picture of them. Evan might have waited too long to smile. 

“You okay Evan?” Gia asked, grinning.

“‘M gooooood.” Evan said and then giggled at how hard it was to form words in his mouth. “Good. It’s good.”

Gia laughed. “And you didn’t even want to come tonight.” She held out her cup and Evan automatically raised his own to cheers her. They accidentally sloshed half their drinks onto the concrete and finished what was left. 

When he turned his head, the world took a minute to catch up which made him feel dizzy and sort of like he was falling. Every time someone handed him a cup, he took it without hesitation. He thought he’d been crazy to think about going home early. He was having a blast. 

The party played out in flashes like a montage in a cheesy coming of age movie. Evan remembered dancing. Actually dancing. Sometimes with Gia, sometimes just in a group, but dancing nonetheless. He remembered yelling the lyrics to songs he only halfway knew and holding someone’s bag while she threw up in the bushes and Gia held her hair back. He remembered the feeling of the cool air on his face and realizing just how sweaty he was. He remembered a shot and a half of something clear in the bottom of a red solo cup. 

And then he couldn’t remember anything else.

Chapter Text

Jared regretted coming to this party. It was just as hot and crowded as every other one. He didn’t know why he’d thought he’d have fun this time when he never really had before. For the past hour, he’d been standing in a corner with some people from his math class, discussing how they thought they did on the final. He should’ve stayed home and binged a TV show and eaten a bunch of junk food. That would’ve been a better celebration of the end of the semester than this. He’d had half a drink when they first arrived and then put it down on a random table. His stomach didn’t seem to be a fan of alcohol tonight. He’d been drinking water out of a red solo cup since then. 

He didn’t see when Evan arrived but he’d seen him a few times since. Always across the room, and he never seemed to notice Jared. He was surrounded by people. He was talking and laughing and dancing . He looked happy. He looked popular. Jared wanted so badly to pour a drink on his head, but that would sort of ruin his “pretend Evan doesn’t exist” plan, part of which included pretending Evan did not have any effect on Jared’s feelings. So Jared just did his best to not look over at Evan and his friends. 

It was almost one a.m. when Jared finally decided he’d had enough. He’d stuck it out long enough to not be called lame and now, he was going home. He made some vague excuses to his classmates and made his way to the front door. He stepped onto the porch and almost tripped over someone sitting on the steps.

“Shit. Sorry.”

The guy mumbled something unintelligible and that was when Jared recognized the shirt he’d been trying not to look for all night. He stepped around Evan to look at him from the front. He was tempted to just walk away. Leave Evan to throw up in the bushes on his own. But something about the way he was leaning against the wall made Jared uneasy.

“Evan?”

Evan said something else Jared couldn’t understand. He crouched down. 

“What?”

“I’as gone home,” Evan said a little louder. His eyes were closed. 

“How much did you drink?”

Evan didn’t respond. 

“Hey.” Jared shook him a little. “Evan, how much did you drink?” 

Evan groaned in response, clutching his stomach and squeezing his eyes shut,

“Shit.” Jared stood up. 

He needed to do something. As much as he didn’t want this to be his problem, as much as he hated Evan’s guts at the moment, he wouldn’t go so far as to say he wanted him to die of alcohol poisoning alone outside a frat party. He considered going back inside and trying to locate one of Evan’s friends to pawn him off on, but he’d seen them drinking and wasn’t confident that any of them would be in any better shape. He tried anyway. A last ditch attempt to make this someone else’s problem.

“Where are your friends?”

Evan shrugged sloppily.

Jared opened the front door and squinted at the crowd. He spotted one person he thought had been with Evan earlier but it was hard to tell as he seemed to be connected at the mouth to some girl. There was no sign of Gia anywhere. No, it was on him to keep Evan alive. As usual. 

“Okay.” He grabbed Evan’s arm and tugged lightly. “Up. Let’s go home.”

Evan didn’t fight him but he also made no effort to stand up. Jared wasn’t even sure Evan could hear him. He walked behind Evan and grabbed him under the arms, hauling him to his feet by brute force.

Evan swayed violently once he was on his feet. Jared wrapped an arm around his waist and then half dragged him down the street. It had taken Jared seven minutes to walk from the dorm to the party. It took him twenty-two minutes to walk back. Partly because of their glacial pace and partly because Evan kept stopping to keel over. He only actually puked once, but he kept making panicked noises and crouching over, once even falling onto the concrete and scraping his hands. 

By the time they finally got back to the dorm, Jared had made up his mind. Evan was more than just “sleep it off” drunk. He needed help. Real help. So instead of taking Evan inside, he maneuvered him to the parking structure and wrestled him into the passenger seat of his car. He dug through the glove box for a second, looking for a spare grocery bag or something to give Evan, but came up empty. 

“Throw up in my car and I’ll kill you,” he said even though he was sure Evan was not listening to him. 

Urgent care was surprisingly empty. Jared had expected crowds of injured and sick people and a three hour wait. However there were only two other people in the waiting room when they walked in. He dumped Evan in a chair and went up to the receptionist’s desk. 

“Hi, I think my friend has alcohol poisoning.”

The receptionist leaned around him to eye Evan. “Do you know how much he drank?”

“No.”

“Do you know if he took any drugs?”

“No. Well, I don’t know for sure. But I don’t think he would.”

The receptionist slid him a clipboard. “Fill this out to the best of your ability. Anything you don’t know, just leave it blank.”

Jared whizzed through the form. He skipped over a few sections, but most of it he could answer easily. He returned the clipboard and joined Evan in the chairs.

“Where’re we?” Evan slurred.

“Urgent care,” Jared said. “Are you feeling more lucid?”

Instead of responding to that, Evan threw up on the waiting room floor. A nurse came to get him a minute later.

Jared waited for nearly thirty minutes before the nurse came back out to talk to him.

“Your friend is fine. We’ve got him on IV fluids. He’s not showing signs of anything too concerning.”

“He’s not?”

“Nope. He was able to tell us his name and demonstrate basic cognitive function.” She nodded toward the door. “You’re welcome to go sit with him. We’ll keep him another hour or so to make sure he’s alright and then send him home.” 

Jared followed her back to Evan’s bed. He sat in a chair beside the bed and the nurse left, pulling the curtain closed behind her. 

“Jared,” Evan said, grinning. “You’re here.” His speech was still slurred but not as bad as it had been when Jared first found him. 

“I am,” Jared said. 

Evan kept smiling at him. “You’re taking care of me.”

“Technically, the nurses are taking care of you,” Jared pointed out.

“No,” Evan shook his head. “You brought me here because you care about me.”

“Well, I wasn’t gonna let you just… die in the street,” Jared mumbled.

“I thought you would.” Evan’s face crumpled. “Cause you hated me.”

Jared sighed. “I don’t hate you.”

The grin returned. “No? You like me. You care about me. We’re friends.”

“Whatever,” Jared huffed. He figured there was no use arguing with Evan in this state. He probably wouldn’t remember it tomorrow anyway.  

By the time Evan and Jared made it back into their dorm building, it was almost three a.m. Jared was exhausted. He was supposed to drive back home tomorrow and all he wanted to do was fall into bed and sleep until noon.

Evan was sobering up a bit, but he was clearly still drunk. Jared managed to get him into the elevator without any mishaps. He jammed the 4 button and leaned back against the wall. 

Evan was staring at him intensely. “Jared,” he said eventually. “I’m really s–”

“Don’t.” Jared cut him off. “You don’t get to say it now, when you’re drunk off your ass. That doesn’t count.”

Evan frowned but didn’t argue. 

“Hey,” Jared said suddenly. “How are you getting home?”

Evan looked around bewildered. “In… the elevator? Aren’t we here?”

“For winter break,” Jared clarified. 

“Oh!” Evan nodded wildly. “My mom’s coming to get me. Tomorrow. Why?”

“Just wondering.”

The elevator dinged and Jared dragged Evan down the hall and deposited him into his bed. He didn’t seem to be nauseous anymore, but Jared put the trash can next to his bed, just in case. 

Then he changed into an oversized t-shirt and a pair of sweats and collapsed into his own bed, thoroughly exhausted.

Chapter Text

When Evan first woke up, the only thing he could register was pain. His head pounded so violently it felt like his eyes would fall out of his skull. His throat was raw and burned when he tried to swallow, though there was nothing to swallow because his mouth was so dry that his tongue felt swollen. 

He pried one of his eyes open and surveyed the room. It was immediately clear that Jared was gone. His laptop and backpack were missing. His room key was gone. And the pushpin in the wall above his desk, which usually held his car keys, was empty. He’d gone home for winter break. A trip Evan was also supposed to be making today. Probably soon. He had no idea what time it was and even less where his phone was. 

He needed to get up, but the thought made him nauseous. Eventually his thirst won. Besides, he really needed to pee. He slowly, carefully, pushed himself up into a sitting position. He closed his eyes and waited to see if he’d vomit. 

Once he felt stable, he opened his eyes again. The first thing he saw was his desk chair, which had been dragged over to his bed. Sitting on top was a bottle of water and a bottle of Advil. Evan looked over to Jared’s empty bed. 

Hazy memories from the night before were coming back. The uncomfortable hospital bed. An IV in his hand. Jared sitting with him. Talking to him. 

Evan took two Advils and drank the entire water bottle in slow sips before going to the bathroom. He knew he needed to shower but he was afraid he’d pass out. He settled for brushing his teeth, putting on some clean clothes, and probably over using his deodorant. 

By the time his mom arrived to pick him up, Evan was feeling only slightly more like a human. He’d drank a second bottle of water, thrown it up, and then brushed his teeth again. Then he located his phone and managed to pack his backpack with the things he’d need for break. His laptop, some clothes, his phone charger. 

When he got into his mom’s car, he angled the air vents directly at his face. He needed to make it home without getting sick again. His mom wouldn’t stop talking, of course. She hadn’t seen him in five months. He’d skipped Thanksgiving since they never did much anyway. 

“How do you think your finals went? Okay? Are you nervous about any of your grades?” She launched questions at him rapid fire. 

“Um, no I think they were all fine. I’m not really worried.”

“That’s good.” She looked over and smiled. “And you said you were making friends last time we talked, right? How’s that? Are they nice?”

“Yeah. They’re great.”

“You guys hang out a lot?”

“I guess.”

“Oh, I’m so proud of you.” She reached over to squeeze his shoulder.

Evan tried not to flinch away from the touch. “Thanks.”

“Are you feeling okay? You look pale.”

“Just a little carsick I think,” Evan mumbled.

After a while, Evan thought maybe his mom had exhausted all her conversation topics. But then, she spoke again.

“You know, I heard Jared’s coming home this weekend too.”

Evan swallowed back bile. “Oh?”

“Yeah. I ran into his mom at the grocery store last week. She said he’d be back the whole break.”

“Cool,” Evan got out.

“Maybe you should call him up, while you’re home,” she suggested casually. “You know, you two used to be so close. I bet it would be nice to reconnect.”

Evan wanted to scream. Or cry. Or throw up. He forced himself to nod. “Yeah, maybe.”

“You guys could have a sleepover!” She started getting excited. “I wouldn’t mind staying upstairs. Or maybe you could do it on a day that I work late. You guys could stay up watching movies like you used to when you were little, remember that? You guys used to,” she cut herself off with a laugh, “build forts and make popcorn and you’d watch movies until you fell asleep.”

Evan closed his eyes. “Yeah. I remember.”

Evan did not call Jared. He wrote six text messages to Jared, but always deleted them before hitting send. And then he got worried that Jared would see the typing bubbles popping up and disappearing over and over so he turned his phone off. 

His mom brought Jared up again a few days later. To make her stop suggesting it, Evan said he really just wanted to spend time with her while he was home, which made her get all teary and hug him for almost two entire minutes. 

They got through the holidays the way they always did. Performing their small rituals, exchanging gifts. They watched cheesy Hallmark movies and they cooked dinner together. 

Winter break seemed to stretch on forever, with Evan acutely aware of the half mile between he and Jared’s houses. By the time the day came for him to return to school, Evan was actually relieved to go back. He needed something to distract him, even if it was piles of homework. 

He arrived back at the dorm before Jared. It was Sunday and classes didn’t begin again until Wednesday, so Evan wasn’t sure when Jared was actually coming back. He appreciated having a little time to himself. Away from Jared. Away from his mom. But he was also consumed by nerves. Every time someone walked down the hall, Evan’s heart rate spiked, wondering if it was Jared. 

Finally, on Monday night, the footsteps stopped outside Evan’s door and someone knocked. Evan’s hands started sweating. He didn’t know why Jared would be knocking. Just to mess with him? Or maybe he’d lost his keys? 

Evan hurried across the room. He took a deep breath. Then, he opened the door. 

“Evan!” Gia hugged him. “I missed you!”

“Oh,” Evan said as his pulse returned to normal. “Hi. How was your break?”

“Ug, you know? Three weeks with my family is too long. My older sister was being a total bitch the whole time and my dad kept trying to bring his new girlfriend to Christmas which, like, nobody wanted.” She’d flung herself onto Evan’s bed as she talked. “So that was a whole shitshow,” she huffed. She pushed her hair out of her face. “How was yours?”

“Okay. Good. Quiet, but that’s kinda always how it is.” Evan sat in his desk chair. He hadn’t told Gia about the hospital. He knew she’d worry and feel bad for abandoning him, though it hadn’t sounded like she’d fared much better that night. 

“That sounds nice,” Gia said. “You up for some campus exploration tomorrow? I have a class in a building I’ve literally never heard of before.”

“Sure. Sounds good.”

Gia’s chattering had drowned out the other sounds that Evan could usually hear, like the humming of the mini fridge, or the sound of footsteps in the hall. 

Jared walked in and paused when he saw Gia. 

“Hi Jared.” She smiled. 

“Hey.” Jared crossed the room and tossed his backpack on his bed.

“How was your break?” Gia tried.

“Fine.” 

Gia looked to Evan who shrugged apologetically. She stood up.

“Well, I’ll stop intruding in your space. I’m sure you wanna unpack and stuff so… bye guys. Evan, I’ll come by at like ten tomorrow, kay?”

“Sure. Bye.”

Gia walked out and pulled the door closed behind her. Evan watched Jared unpack. 

“Jared–”

“I’m gonna shower,” Jared said gruffly and then walked into the bathroom and shut the door. 

It was made very clear to Evan that they were right back where they were. Just because Jared hadn’t let Evan die, didn’t mean they were friends.

After Evan and Gia’s morning campus tour, they ate lunch at a ramen place that Gia drove them too. Evan tried to be cheery and follow the variety of topics Gia jumped between, but he knew he wasn’t doing a good job. Gia probably knew it too, but she didn’t ask, which Evan appreciated.

In the weeks before winter break, Evan had been… acclimating to he and Jared’s relationship, or lack thereof. Not that he was happy about it. Not that he didn’t miss Jared. But he was adjusting. He thought maybe he’d survive this. Maybe it wouldn’t always break his heart to think about Jared. 

And then there was the party. And the hospital. Evan didn’t remember most of it, honestly, but he remembered Jared’s arm around him, pulling him down the street. He remembered Jared sitting in a chair by his bed. He remembered “I don’t hate you.” He remembered Jared’s firm, “Don’t.” And maybe, Evan had allowed himself to hope once again. He thought they’d come back from winter break and look at each other and something would dissolve and Jared would ask how his break was and they’d talk, maybe a little awkwardly at first, but it would be a starting point.

Instead, Jared’s cold gaze, his complete lack of acknowledgement hurt just as bad as seeing him on move-in day. 

Three days after classes started, Jared was getting ready to go somewhere. It was a weekend and based on his lack of backpack, he wasn’t going to the library. Evan desperately wanted to know where he was going, and who with. He wanted to be invited. 

Jared crossed the room, swinging his room key on his finger. 

Evan stood up abruptly and, without even planning to, blurted, “I’m sorry!”

Chapter Text

“I’m sorry!” Evan practically yelled. It was a sharp departure from the silence they’d been sitting in for the past five days. 

Jared paused, hand on the door handle. Evan didn’t say anything else. Jared turned around. 

“For?” he prompted. 

“For ditching you in high school. For cutting you out of the Connor Project. For saying you had no friends and just… generally being a dick.” Evan picked at his nail beds. “And for not telling you I signed us up to be roommates.” 

Jared watched him fidget. 

“And for not saying it earlier,” Evan added. “I should’ve said it when you asked. I should’ve said it over the summer. I just didn’t think you’d forgive me. I didn’t think you’d care. But I am sorry. I miss being friends with you.”

“You have plenty of friends now,” Jared said, trying and failing to keep the resentment out of his voice.

“So? I want us to be friends.” 

Jared waited for a few moments, just to make Evan sweat. Then he sighed. “Okay. Yeah.” 

Evan chewed his lip. “You know you weren’t perfect either.” 

Jared glared at him. Evan didn’t shrink back. He held Jared’s gaze.

Jared sighed more dramatically than before. “Fine. I am also sorry for being a dick.” 

Evan finally smiled. “Thanks.” He bounced on his toes once. “So, we’re okay? We’re friends?”

“Yeah, whatever.” Jared waved his hand. 

“Okay cool. Um… there’s this carnival thing happening in a few weeks. I was gonna go with Gia and some people from class… if you wanted to come with...”

Jared did not want to come with. It’s not like he expected Evan to immediately cut off all his other friends, but he didn’t really want to hang out with them. Especially not when Evan was so beloved by them all and Jared was practically a stranger. He’d be third wheeling. Or fifth wheeling. Evan could have other friends, sure, but Jared would prefer if the two of them could go back to their usual routine, hanging out alone. 

But Evan looked so hopeful. 

So Jared said, “Uh yeah, maybe. I’ll see if I’m doing anything that weekend.” And then he left the room. 

Jared tried to get out of the carnival, he really did. He looked for any possible excuse to not go, but Evan kept talking and talking about how fun it would be, and nothing seemed to come up that could possibly be more important. Besides, Jared knew Evan was only talking about it so much because he was extremely nervous that it would not be fun. So somehow, at six p.m. on a Saturday night, Jared found himself in line for the carnival with Evan, Gia, and three people he’d never seen before.

Evan didn’t talk much more than Jared expected, but he was definitely more social than he’d ever been in groups before. He laughed out loud. He nodded along enthusiastically to stories, he made eye contact. And when he did talk, it was comfortably, like the way he talked to Jared. Jared, for his part, mostly listened. Evan’s friends were nice. They asked Jared questions and listened when he did talk, but mostly they talked to each other, recounting stories Jared was unfamiliar with and making jokes he didn’t get. Jared wondered if this was how Evan felt all the time. 

Evan kept glancing at Jared, gauging his mood. He thought he was being subtle about it but Jared could read that look easily. Despite being fully ready to completely cut Evan out of his life only weeks ago, Jared did feel a little bad and tried to actually make some sort of effort to look like he was having fun.

It got easier once they got inside. They wandered around for a while, scoping out the options. Everything from rides to games required tickets. They’d each bought a handful. Jared watched as, after they got inside, Gia passed a few from her generous pile into Evan’s hand, evening him out with the rest of them. Jared decided he liked her.

As they walked, they fell into groups of two so they weren’t blocking the entire walkway. Evan fell into step beside Jared.

“What do you want to do?”

Jared shrugged. “Ride some rides. Destroy some children at some rigged games. Eat something deep fried.”

“I think we can make that happen.” Evan smiled. “Gia wants to do the haunted house.”

“Are you gonna be able to handle that?” Jared nudged him.

“Rude.” Evan nudged him back. “I am very brave.”

Jared snorted. “Right.” 

Gia fell back to walk with them. “We’ve come up with a plan. First, the ferris wheel, obviously.”

Evan nodded seriously. 

“Then, the tilt-a-whirl. Then we’ll get something to eat after, so we don’t waste a fourteen dollar churro by throwing it up.”

Jared was considering the brilliance of her logic when he noticed how pale Evan had gone. He smiled.

“Evan will puke either way.”

Color returned to Evan’s cheeks as he elbowed Jared. “I don’t do well with spinny rides. I’ll sit it out.”

“Fine, I guess,” Gia huffed with a playful eye roll. “Anyway then we’ll do some games, Mallory wants to do the strength hammer thing really bad. And then, haunted house. And then, home?”

“Sounds good.” Evan nodded.

Jared was calculating the amount of tickets in his hand against the number it would take to do all of those things, but the group was already heading toward the ferris wheel, so he abandoned his math and caught up with them.

As they inched closer to the front of the line, they began separating into groups of two. Gia and Mallory were at the front. Evan’s two other friends Jared still didn’t know the names of were in the middle. Which left Jared and Evan at the end. Jared felt slightly pathetic for being relieved Evan didn’t ditch him for one of the others and leave Jared with a stranger. 

The ferris wheel was pretty giant. Jared wasn’t scared of heights, but he knew Evan was. Each carriage fit two people, but the seats were fully enclosed in a little cage, unlike the open, slightly terrifying benches Jared always saw in movies. 

“You gonna be okay?” Jared asked as a bored looking teenager secured their cage shut. 

“What? Yeah. Why?”

“We’re gonna be pretty high up.”

“So?” Evan frowned. “I’m not scared of heights.”

“Yes you are.”

“I am not.” 

“Sixth grade field trip to the zoo. We took the sky tram?”

Evan paled slightly. “Oh. Right. I remember that.” His grip on the seat tightened.

“I can’t believe you forgot you’re scared of heights,” Jared laughed.

“Well I’m not this high up very often so it’s not something I really think about.”

They were slowly creeping up the side of the wheel now. 

“Just relax,” Jared said. 

Evan shot him a look. “You know that’s not helpful.”

Jared smiled. It was such a familiar interaction. 

“We’re completely enclosed in a metal cage,” Jared said as they reached the peak. “There’s no way that we could fall out of here.” 

“But the whole cage could break off from the wheel and we could fall inside it,” Evan said, taking slow, deep breaths.

“That will not happen. Probably. Just enjoy the view, you weirdo.” Jared looked to the left. It was a bit hard to enjoy the cityscape below through the crisscrossing bars. 

“It is nice,” Evan said suddenly.

They were stopped at the top for a moment. Suspended above the entire carnival. It was nice. 

On the second round, without any pausing to let people on and off, Evan seemed a bit more relaxed and by the time they stepped off, he was back to his usual self. 

The tilt-a-whirl line was by far the longest. Evan said he’d stand in line with them, since they’d be there for a while. Once they reached the front of the line, Jared, realizing he’d have no one to ride with, said he’d wait with Evan and stepped off to the side to let the others through. 

They wandered their way to a churro stand. Evan bought one, taking the first bite and then offering it to Jared. Jared took a significantly bigger bite, the way he always used to when Evan paid for food.

Evan shot him a look but there was no heat behind it. They sat on a bench, listening to the screams of the tilt-a-whirl passengers fly past them. 

“So what do you think?”

“Could use a little more cinnamon sugar,” Jared said, around another huge bite.

Evan elbowed him. “I mean of my friends.”

“Oh.” Jared swallowed, a sharp piece of churro scratching his throat. He shrugged. “I mean, they’re cool.”

“They’re not like, supremely lame?” Evan tried to joke. It didn’t come out very well.

“Nah.” Jared licked sugar from his finger. “I mean, they’re pretty lame, but not as lame as you at least.”

Evan relaxed slightly, elbowing Jared again. He didn’t say anything else. They looked out at the whirling rides, the soft yellow glow of the lights. The churro stand and the cotton candy machine made the air smell like sugar. Jared looked over at Evan as he watched a little girl shoot at wooden ducks. Evan who, a month ago, he’d sworn out of his life. Evan who had broken his heart over and over. Evan, who so clearly, desperately wanted Jared to think his friends were cool.

Chapter Text

“Twenty bucks?” Evan laughed. “Seriously?”

“Yes seriously!” Jared scoffed, offended. “I can easily hit the bell.”

Evan looked up to the bell, underneath a sign surrounded by lights that said, “Test Your Strength!”

“I just think it’s a stretch.”

“Twenty bucks.” Jared held his hand out. 

Evan shook. 

“Alright.” Jared handed five tickets to the worker and picked up the hammer. He weighed it in his hands, adjusting his grip and taking a few practice swings. 

“Anytime you’re ready,” Evan teased.

“Shut it. No distractions.” Jared took a deep breath. “Okay. I’m about to be twenty dollars richer.” 

He heaved the hammer backward and swung it down with all his might. The ball rose to about the halfway mark and then fell back down. 

Jared turned around, lips pursed.

“Bummer,” Evan said. “I’ll take cash or Venmo. Whichever is better for you.” 

“Fuck off.” Jared stalked over to where Evan’s friends were playing a water shooting game.

“So who won?” Gia asked, not taking her eyes off the duck she was shooting. 

“It’s not about winning or losing,” Jared said before Evan could answer. “It’s about having fun.”

The water shooting game ended, declaring Gia the winner. She stood up and patted Jared’s shoulder. “You’ll get ‘em next time.” Then she turned and chose a stuffed gorilla from the prize wall.

“Whatever,” Jared grumbled. “Are we doing this haunted house or what?” 

“Oooooh yes!” Mallory lit up. “Haunted house time!”

Before being allowed entrance to the haunted house, they were informed that they were to stay on the clearly marked path as they walked through and they were not allowed to touch any props, actors, or decorations. Once they all swore to be on their best behavior, they were waved through a dark curtain in pairs. Evan and Jared went last. 

They stepped through and Evan was immediately nervous that the others were nowhere in sight. He’d been imagining them going through as a group, making jokes and cutting through the spooky atmosphere. 

Before he could look to Jared for a joke, a woman covered in white paint and fake blood lunged at them. Evan screamed and stumbled backward. Jared grabbed his arm so he didn’t fall. 

“You’re so lame.” Jared pulled him forward. 

They wandered their way through the dark rooms. Every time someone jumped out at them, they both flinched, though Jared always pretended he didn’t. At one point, a tall, burly guy with a chainsaw chased them around a corner. Evan knew the chainsaw was not real. Honestly, it didn’t even look very realistic. But that didn’t stop his heart from pounding so hard he could feel it in his ears. All he could do was blindly follow Jared who yanked open a door and stepped through it.

“I don’t think this is right,” Evan said as the door swung shut behind them. They were in the dark, but it wasn’t like the rest of the haunted house. There were no smoke machines. Neither strobe nor black lights. There weren’t even any decorations. It was just a black hallway with a neon green stripe on the floor. 

“Oh I get it.” Jared spun around, looking up and down the hallway. “This is the sneaky secret hallway. This is how the ghost girl gets from the entrance all the way over to the graveyard so fast.”

“So we aren’t supposed to be here,” Evan said. 

“Pish posh,” Jared waved his hand, wandering down the hallway. It curved around a corner and just as they were about to round it, they heard the door behind them creak open. 

“Shit.” Evan glanced back. He could see a sliver of flashing lights through the door. It illuminated one of the scare actors, backing into the hallway,

Jared grabbed Evan’s wrist and dragged him around the corner. 

“Jared we can’t–”

“Sh!” Jared cut him off. “They’re gonna hear us,” he whispered.

They pressed their backs against the wall, listening to the actor who’d come in shuffle around.

“They’re gonna come this way,” Evan breathed. “We’re gonna get thrown out.”

“Shut it,” Jared hissed. He stepped in front of Evan, peering around the corner. “I can’t see anything.”

“No shit,” Evan laughed. 

Jared hadn’t moved, he was still in front of Evan, close enough that they were touching. Evan suddenly felt giddy. This was the stupidest thing he’d done in a long time but he was doing it with Jared. They were a team again. Jared was dragging him into stupid situations just for the hell of it, and Evan had missed it so much. 

He reached his hand out, just enough to bump Jared’s. He felt Jared move, probably looking at him, though Evan couldn’t quite make out which way he was facing in the dim light. He raised his other hand and tugged, lightly, on Jared’s collar. It didn’t take much persuading for Jared to lean the rest of the way. 

This time, Evan was ready. And sober. When Jared kissed him, Evan slid his arms around his neck and Jared pushed him back into the wall. There was a dull thud and the wall leaned slightly behind him, but Evan ignored that. He ignored everything except Jared. 

“You guys really can’t be back here.”

They both jumped violently. A bright light was shining in their faces and when Evan’s eyes adjusted he could see that Jared’s whole face was flushed. 

The bored college student behind the flashlight shone it toward a door with a bright green exit sign. “You need to leave.” 

“Sorry, we were just–” Evan sputtered. 

“We got lost,” Jared finished for him. 

“Right.” The guy motioned to the door again.

“We’ll just see ourselves out,” Jared said. He took Evan’s hand and pulled him out into the carnival. They were immediately surrounded by the sounds of games and rides, and the warm lights strung across the various tables and tents. 

Jared was already laughing as the door swung shut behind them. Evan hadn’t realized how cold it was until now, as he watched Jared’s laughter billow out of him in little white clouds that dissipated into the sky. 

“I told you we weren’t supposed to be there,” Evan said, trying to suppress his own laughter. 

“Well, we beat everyone else out so I think it means we won.” Jared smiled triumphantly. “Come on, let’s go get a funnel cake before we go home. My treat.”

“Okay, but that’s not coming out of the twenty bucks you owe me.” Evan followed him.

Jared scowled. “Fine. We’ll split it then.” 

They sat on a bench, pulling pieces off of the funnel cake. Jared wouldn’t meet Evan’s eyes, but he kept bumping his shoulder. 

“I guess this was sort of fun,” he said, as they finally spotted Evan’s friends exiting the haunted house.

“Only sort of?”

“Yes. Don’t let it go to your head.” Jared leaned over and smeared powdered sugar on Evan’s cheek. Then he ate the remaining funnel cake and tossed the plate into a trashcan. “Let’s go.” 

Evan wiped his face and ran to catch up with Jared and his friends.

Chapter Text

“Are you sure you’re gonna get up on time?” Evan asked, again.

“Yes!” Jared groaned into the pillow. “Stop asking me.”

“Okay. I just don’t want your mom to be waiting on us.” Evan poked Jared in the stomach. “And you tend to oversleep.”

“Shut it,” Jared mumbled. 

“You know I’m right.”

“You can either be quiet or go sleep in your own bed.” 

Evan laughed. “Okay fine.” 

They were moving out tomorrow morning. Their first year of college was officially behind them. Jared thought it would feel more dramatic. But it just felt like finishing yet another year of school. He was relieved to be back home though, not having to buy all his meals using the campus meal plan. 

“It’s gonna be weird not living together,” Evan said, voice low in the dark. 

“We spent most of our lives not living together,” Jared pointed out. 

“I am aware,” Evan huffed. “But you know what I mean.”

“Yeah,” Jared hummed. 

They’d spent the last three months like this. Sleeping in Jared’s bed. After they got home from the carnival that night, they’d awkwardly gotten ready for bed without speaking. It was only once they were lying in their respective beds and the lights were off that Jared finally brought it up. And then they talked for four hours, about everything. The kiss in the haunted house, the kiss on Halloween, high school, the summer, their feelings, their worries. The only question Jared had refused to answer was when Evan asked him how long he’d had feelings for him. Jared slept through his morning class the next day, but he woke up officially having a boyfriend. 

“Do you think it’ll be weird next year?” Evan asked, trailing his fingers over Jared’s knuckles. 

“Why would it be?”

“I don’t know. I just… worry.”

“You? Worrying? No way.” 

Evan elbowed him. Jared laughed. He pulled Evan closer. 

“Just chill, dude. It’s gonna be fine. We’re good. Besides, by the time August rolls around we’ll have been together for six months. That’s pretty solid.”

“Wow. I didn’t even think about that. It will be six months.”

“Unless we have a terrible break up,” Jared pointed out. 

“Don’t say that!”

“I’m kiiiiiidding!” Jared grabbed Evan’s face and kissed him. 

“It’s bad karma,” Evan said, not protesting the kiss. 

“I don’t believe in karma.”

“That explains a lot about the way you live your life.”

Jared grinned. “If it’s gonna catch up with me, it hasn’t yet.” 

Evan huffed. “I just don’t want things to be weird when we get back home and then weirder when we come back here.”

“Then don’t make things weird,” Jared suggested. Then he laughed at Evan’s sigh of exasperation. “It won’t be weird. We’re good, right?”

“Yeah,” Evan relaxed slightly and Jared felt his weight, warm and reassuring. “We’re good.”