Chapter Text
Maybe this was the universe’s revenge on him for his survival. On his own birthday, a day he was supposed to look back on and smile in a few years time, he was pressed against the side of his bed, his entire body curling in on itself as it shook with every strangled breath and silent sob, his mind completely plagued by the panic he tried so desperately to ignore. A day made for celebration and happiness had instead been taken over by panic and dread as he sat on the rough carpet floor of his bedroom, hands tightly winded in his brown hair in some half-hearted attempt to bring himself back to reality. He wanted nothing more than to calm himself down enough to return to the familiar chaos of his family in the kitchen, to sit at the table as if he hadn’t been clawing at his own scalp moments prior and talk about whatever the hell normal families talked about, to spend his birthday anywhere that wasn’t the floor of his own bedroom for just a little longer, but he just couldn’t seem to calm himself down enough to make any attempt to at least move himself from the floor before the scratchy texture of the carpet started to burn his skin. No matter how desperate he was to have just one day of normality, it seemed the universe had stripped him of the rights to such a privilege the day his body decided to defy the fate he was supposed to fall victim to. Of course it had, why had he expected any different?
But it wasn’t as if he’d had the choice either way, it’s not like he asked to be in such a critical state at such a young age, so what makes it fair for him to be punished for simply doing the very thing he was born to do by surviving? Had punishing him with a life-long illness not been enough to satisfy whatever or whoever was unhappy with him? A lifetime of missed opportunities and tainted memories, forever stuck wondering if he’d wake up the next day and still be able to walk without clutching onto the arm of another person, never able to get enough sleep to feel awake for any longer than a couple of hours because of his damn illness. It just wasn’t fair to him, being so young and full of life but destined to be held back by his own aching body. Of course, it wasn’t as if his life was entirely miserable, with his short-lived time on his high school’s football team and the handful of other school activities he was healthy enough to participate in, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t at least a little envious of his friends and his other classmates who could freely live their lives with little to no worries about being held down by the very thing that kept them living. Sometimes, it really did seem like not surviving that day all those years ago would’ve been a much better fate than a life of uncertainty and pain. It was selfish, really, wishing such heartbreak on his parents after everything they’d done for him.
And Natalie. His beloved baby sister, perhaps the only reason he hadn’t lost his mind over the years, would’ve been subjected to the very life he wished to escape. Constant pain and misery, a life full of agonising grief and frustration, it was a fate he’d never wish upon someone he cared about as much as he cared about her. She deserved to have her brother at her side through whatever life threw their way, she deserved to have someone to come home and talk to when their parents were out at another of their mother’s appointments, she deserved so much better than whatever the hell she’d have to go through alone if he wasn’t there to be the brother she needed. From small simple things like sticking up for her as kids when her friends laughed at her for something stupid to being there for her when their mother was at her worst and his poor sister was trembling with fear, he couldn’t possibly imagine leaving her to deal with any of it alone. Well, of course, she would definitely find a way to live without the extra family member, but was it so wrong of him to enjoy the few moments of peace the two had shared throughout their complicated childhoods? Nothing had ever been perfect between the two, but normality and perfection were two things neither sibling had ever really known in the first place, learning to find comfort in the seemingly short-lived moments of silence before things inevitably took a turn for the worst once more. It was heartbreaking, really, to expect the two siblings to find a way to cope healthily with such chaos at their young ages, little to no guidance from anyone but each other to keep them from falling apart and leaving the other to find their way to stability entirely alone. And no matter how much he hated the life he’d been given, Gabe simply couldn’t find it within himself to ruin his little sister’s life like that. Not after everything she’d done for him, not after the countless nights the two spent talking on the floor of one of their bedrooms just to have someone see them for who they really are, not after seeing just how much she really did care for him. To cause her such immense pain after so many years of laughter and comfort and hope would be nothing but heartless of him, destroying everything she deserved to grow up and become just because her brother couldn’t suck it up and learn to live with his differences. The true sunshine of his life, his dear sister, the only real reason he’d chosen to push through it all and stay.
Eventually, with a small amount of recovered energy, Gabe could finally completely focus on recovering from such an abrupt and unwanted change of events, finding himself able to put a stop to the irregularly fast breathing and rapid beating of his heart. Finally stable enough to move his cramping joints, he scrubbed at his tear-stained face with his sleeve, rushing to make himself look as far from post-panic-attack-Gabe as possible, giving himself plenty of time to completely calm down again before trying to leave his room. Despite the odd events he’d witnessed before his sudden departure from the kitchen, he was absolutely certain that whatever the rest of his family were doing was much better than the way he’d spent the past twenty minutes of his own birthday. Maybe, with any kind of luck, he’d get that taste of normality he so desperately craved.
Chaos. Complete chaos from the moment she’d cracked that stupid front door open. Obviously, it was exactly what she’d expected when introducing her poor unsuspecting boyfriend to her damn-near-insane family, but she hadn’t expected to be dealing with the reality of such a situation this early in their relationship. Well, maybe early was pushing it a little for any relationship past a month in length, but it’d barely been two months and she’d had absolutely no time at all to warn Henry of the incredibly embarrassing experience meeting her family would inevitably be, nor had she had any time at all to brace herself for just how bad things might end. And, of course, she had absolutely no plans to allow her boyfriend’s first experience meeting her family to be on her brother’s birthday of all days. Of course, it wasn’t as if she was ashamed of him, nor was it that she couldn’t stand the idea of him ever meeting them, but this was the one day her brother got to himself. The one day he’d be let off easy when he inevitably went out late and snuck back in through his bedroom window at some ridiculously late hour the next morning. The one day their parents finally dropped their guards and just let him breathe for once in his damn life. Birthdays were meant to be their only breaks from the chaos they’d grown so used to, they weren’t supposed to bring even more chaos into their lives like this. But at the same time, from what Natalie had seen when talking to Gabe, he didn’t exactly seem to care that it’d landed on his day. In fact, he’d seemed much more focused on burning a hole straight through Henry’s skull with how strong his glare had been right until he’d walked over to talk to her.
Moments later, after the initial ‘parents meeting your first serious boyfriend’ chaos had finally winded down to a much more manageable multiple-conversations chaos, Natalie felt much more at ease with the idea of her boyfriend being around her family. Or, well, her parents , at least, if Gabe was going to continue staring Henry down as if he was plotting to kill the boy for even trying to be that close with his sister. Or if he was still in the room at all, actually. Looking around the kitchen, she noticed the sudden lack of her brother’s presence, with only her father still sitting across from the pair as her mother rummaged around for whatever it was she’d suddenly remembered. Cool, totally expected, he’d probably gotten sick of all the attention from spending the entire day with their mother, especially if she’d been in the same state of extremely long-lasting energy all day long. He wasn’t exactly obligated to spend his entire birthday with everyone, but Natalie would be a liar if she’d said she didn’t want to spend at least a little bit of time with her brother on his eighteenth birthday of all days before he most likely disappeared to his friend’s house until the next morning. Well, that and the fact that the space that should’ve been filled by his presence had instead been replaced with the sinking feeling of dread that usually kicked off the cycle of the horrifying events she’d grown way too familiar with.
Not now . Not in front of him . He was well aware that her family was far from normal, but he absolutely did not need to experience its severity first hand. And for the love of everything she’d ever known, not on Gabe’s day. Not on the one day a year he gets to feel like a normal kid. Any other day but today, can’t her instincts just be overexaggerated for once?
“Okay! It’s somebody’s birthday!” her mother exclaimed, finally re-entering the dining room with a cake in hand, her spare hand shielding the flames of the candles from the breeze caused by her quick pace.
“Oh, who’s birthday is it?” Henry questioned, a bright grin across his face, completely unaware of absolutely everything in that exact moment.
“My brother’s.” Natalie spoke, her eyes shifting around the room as she searched for Gabe, desperate for him to return before something went wrong. Gabe knew what to do most of the time when things went wrong, Natalie hadn’t the slightest clue on how to handle the situation without her brother there beside her.
“Huh, didn’t know you had a brother!”
“Wh- Henry, I speak about him half the time I’m with you. And, y’know, he was in the kitchen when we got here?”
“Well, I mean, I didn’t exactly…notice? Where is he anyway, if it’s his birthday he should be here for his own cake, right?”
“Uhm. I don’t, uh, Dad?” Natalie stuttered, her gaze snapping to her father for any kind of reassurance that this was in fact not happening.
“I don’t know, Nat, he’s probably in the bathroom.” her father muttered, his gaze flickering between Natalie and her mother.
“No, Dad, you’re not listening . He’s been gone for half a damn hour, and unless he’s decided to shower this early, he’s not in the damn bathroom.”
“Watch your language, Natalie. It’s fine, as long as he shows back up before your mother notices.”
“Dad, please, just, I don’t know, distract her or something? So I can find my own damn brother before she freaks the hell out?”
“I can try, but you know that it’s not-”
“Natalie, sweetheart, did you see where your brother went? Can’t have him miss out on his own cake on his birthday!” her mother asked, looking around the room for the missing family member.
“Uh, I think-”
“Diana, why don’t you find some of those old pictures of Natalie to show Henry while you wait for him to come back?” her father rushed, directing her back to her seat at the dining table as he nodded towards the door in Natalie’s direction, too busy redirecting his wife’s attention to see her sprint out of the room.
It wasn’t exactly ideal to have her boyfriend in the room alone with her parents for any longer than a second, but it was even less ideal to have her boyfriend present in the house at all when her mother inevitably freaked out and broke down. Scrambling around the house with the most urgency she’d ever had, Natalie searched each and every corner of the downstairs half of their house, only to grow twice as anxious by the time she reached the staircase with absolutely no sighting of her brother. Regulating her breathing before it became too quick to catch, she rushed towards the staircase, only making it up two whole stairs before the sound of footsteps stopped her dead in her tracks, her head snapping to find the source, her fear only doubling once again when her eyes met the wide and frantic eyes of her boyfriend.
“I can’t- He’s not anywhere down here, there’s no way he gets back down here before she freaks. You, look, Henry, you can’t be here.” Natalie panicked, her body itching to sprint up the remaining stairs as if quickening her pace would freeze time.
“Nat, hey, it’s fine , maybe your dad’s right? He might just be in the bathroom?” Henry spoke, his calm tone betrayed by the panic in his eyes.
“No, you don’t get it, you can’t be here. I don’t- It’s not pretty, it’s fucking terrifying even when you’re used to it, and if Dad’s already given up distracting her then it’s just-”
“Hey, he hasn’t ‘given up’, it just got a little awkward. Your mom, she kinda, y’know, drifted mid-conversation? So I kinda took the hint and walked out?”
“That’s- I just- Look, if you’re set on being here any longer, just go sit in my room, please . Last door at the end of the hall, I’ll come find you when I find my fucking brother, I swear .”
Sensing the growing urgency of the situation, Henry decided not to protest any further, nodding before making his way up the stairs, following behind a very frantic Natalie until the two made their way to the top of the staircase, splitting off as Natalie continued her desperate search. Her fear only seemed to grow as she continued pushing every single door in the house open, desperate to at the very least find him in the house. As much as her brother clearly ignored his curfew and typical restrictions on leaving the house straight after dinner, he wasn’t cruel enough to run out the house without any notice given to their mother, just to avoid this very scenario from ever playing out. But, of course, he just didn’t seem to be anywhere in the house, almost as if he was completely invisible. Rushing towards his room in hopes that he’d just been hiding away for a little while, she was caught off guard by the door swinging open, a clearly distressed Gabe freezing mid-step, her frantic blue eyes meeting the tired crystal blue eyes of her older brother, the usually calming shade of his irises tainted by the harsh red tear streaks surrounding his eyes and trailing down his face. On the day he was supposed to be the happiest he’d ever been, he’d truly never looked worse.
“Nat, uhm, I was just coming back down. Was looking for something, just, y’know, forgot to mention it.” Gabe stuttered, clearly trying to hide the way he winced at just how strained his voice sounded.
“Yeah, fat chance, you were gone for almost an hour , Gabe. Mom’s on the verge of freaking the fuck out, Dad looks like he’s about to crack, and I am not about to let my boyfriend’s first impression of them be linked back to one of her outbursts or some shitty argument.”
“I’m serious, I was just looking for something! I didn’t know she was this bad, how could I? It’s not on us to watch our parents’ every move, Nat, we’re kids .”
“Unless your room is suddenly caked in dust, I’m having a pretty fucking hard time believing you were ‘just looking for something’. Just, I don’t know, maybe if we’re lucky and get down there quick enough she’ll be fine.”
“No, I’ll go. If she’s already gotten any worse, I think maybe it’s better for all of us that there’s as few people there to witness it as possible. Y’know, maybe being perceived only fuels everything?”
“I mean, maybe, I don’t know. Whatever the plan is, you should go, like, now . I don’t want her getting worse again, something just tells me this time is different .”
“I’ll do my best, I promise. I’ll come find you in a little, ‘kay?”
“You better, don’t go leaving the house before you do.”
“I promise, Nat.”
Watching as her brother sped down the stairs, Natalie retreated to her room, the sense of dread from moments prior returning in full force and almost completely knocking the air from her lungs. Stumbling into her room, she pushed her rising panic as far down as she physically could, sitting on the edge of her bed beside her boyfriend as if things were completely normal. As if he hadn’t just witnessed the start of yet another cycle of fear and frustration. As if he hadn’t just seen what could quite possibly be her mother’s last moments of complete peace and sanity before she lost herself to her illness once again. As if Natalie herself wasn’t on the verge of a complete mental breakdown right beside him. Really, was there any worse way to spend her brother’s eighteenth birthday than fighting back tears as her brother desperately fought to keep their mother from slipping away from them for good? They were just
kids
, after all, too young to navigate the darkness without their dear parents to guide them.