Chapter Text
There was a slight headache simmering behind her eyes. The room outside was bright, light coming in through a window. It smelled different, not the same scent of cleaning spray that Lena was used to. Instead, the room smelt like baked goods and fruity laundry detergent.
“Where the hell-” Lena opened her eyes, shutting them immediately when the sun hit her with its brunt force. “Why is there so much light here?” She cursed. It took the young woman a few more minutes to acclimatize to the new situation, finally she could blink into the bright morning without feeling like her retinas were being burned off.
Oh no. Why? How?
Of course she was in Kara’s apartment. The comfortable bedroom was a rather familiar place, even if it had changed a bit since Lena had last been here. There were a few more pictures - most likely from game nights, meanwhile other pictures were missing from the wall - Lena noticed with a pang in her chest. The picture of Kara and Lena standing together, arm in arm with wide smiles on their faces wasn’t there anymore. Of course it wasn’t. It would have been silly to keep it there if Lena hadn’t given Kara any indication of ever forgiving her for the longest time. And still - it stung.
Lena sat up on the bed, the blanket pooling around her. Okay, so as it stood, Lena was here. In Kara’s bed. So where was Kara? She looked around, as if the blonde was going to simply appear out of thin air. Although, who knew, with kryptonians that could always be a possibility.
How had she gotten here though? Lena could remember going to her office after the revelation of Leo’s heritage had hit her. That had definitely been something a little bit too big to fit into her very well curated boxes right off the bat. That took a bit of alcohol to swallow down, to wash the bitter taste of a future down that tasted just a bit like acid. Kara had a future. Kara was going to be happy. And that was fine- great even but Lena was going to be damned if it didn't also hurt like hell.
Carefully, Lena made her way out of bed, stumbling for the first few steps before managing to put one foot in front of the other. “Careful now, Luthor,” she whispered to herself. “Don't go breaking your face.”
In front of the kitchen island, Lena came to stop. There she was, in all her morning glory with those golden locks framing her face in messy tangled and an old band t-shirt that had surely once belonged to Alex.
Kara.
“You’re awake,” Kara said as she made sure not to burn whatever was currently cooking inside the pan that had been placed on top of the stove. “How did you sleep?”
Lena looked at her carefully, as if the blonde might vanish. Could this be a hallucination? Was Lena still drunk? Kara seemed to take Lena's silence as an answer, finally lifting her gaze to look at the other woman. “If you’ve got a headache, I put an ibuprofen on the table over there, right next to the water jug. Feel free to serve yourself.”
Lena did as Kara had suggested, downing the liquid in one go while also swallowing the small pill. Her fingers tapped against the table, unsure of what to say. “I should probably go,” Lena said eventually.
“No.”
“What?”
“I said no.” Kara never looked up from the stove but her tone didn't leave any room for arguments. “You will not go. You’re going to stay right here! You are going to eat breakfast, you are going to drink something and then we are going to sit down and talk.”
Lena lifted an eyebrow. “About what?”
Kara flipped the contents of the pan smoothly before speaking up again. “About everything. About why I lied to you, why that hurt you and about everything that has happened since then and then we are going to figure out if our relationship is worth salvaging because whatever it is that's been going on, it can't continue.”
“And you decided all that without me?”
Kara chuckled, although it sounded more like a growl. “You lost the right to choose the moment that you lied to me about Leo. That boy almost died because you had to keep a stupid promise to him. I don't care what his secret is but I do care that it was apparently worth more to you than his life.”
Lena shook her head. “You don't know what you're talking about.”
“No, I don't, Lena. But who’s fault is that?” She sounded bitter now and she was still avoiding Lena’s gaze. “You have no idea how terrifying it is to know that you almost let that boy die. Because it speaks against everything that I know about you. Everything. It’s more than a secret, it’s a duality that borders on cruelty and I have no idea what to do with that now. So after we’ve eaten, we’re going to sit here and neither of us will leave before this hasn't been resolved. For better or for worse - this will end today.”
“And if I choose to disobey whatever plan you just came up with?”
There was that growl again, a deep rumble that stemmed from Kara’s chest that was far from the happy purr that Lena had heard coming from Leo. This sounded dangerous, like the promise of a power that could flatten entire cities. “You don't want to know.” And Lena could believe that. Kara had always been… well, Kara. A mild mannered reporter with too many cardigans and a posture that made it clear that she was trying to make herself smaller. The woman that was currently flipping eggs? That wasn't that Kara. That was a woman that had carried planes and watched worlds burn. This was a woman that knew loss better than the back of her own hand and whose shoulders were straight and whose eyes were sharp. This was neither Kara Danvers nor Supergirl. This was the alien that had lost everything and built herself up from the ground - time and time again.
“Alright then.”
“Why did you lie to me?”
They were sitting in Kara's living room. This used to be a place where Lena felt like she belonged. During game nights, her space was usually right next to Kara’s, feet tucked beneath her and during movie nights, her head on the reporter’s shoulder. But that closeness had vanished now. They sat there, divided by several feet and seemingly, an ocean of unanswered questions.
Kara took a deep breath. “I told you this already but you didn't believe me. If I tell you again now, I need you to actually listen! I need you to hear and to try and understand what I say! Don't misconstrue my words and don't try to find something nefarious that I could be hiding. Because I am not! I want to tell you everything, the entire truth!”
Lena nodded. “Go on then.”
“I never wanted to lie to you,” Kara began. “Of course, I always have to be careful about who I tell, that's just common sense. But what you don’t know is that I only ever told two people that I am Supergirl. Winn, who designed my suit and Nia, who was struggling with receiving her own powers when they were supposed to go to her sister. She needed someone who would make her feel less… alien.” Kara chuckled at the unintentional pun. “It may sound ridiculous but I never really get the choice of when I tell people. It’s my secret, it’s my life but there's always someone there that decides for me.”
Lena could see the frustration that painted itself onto the blonde’s features. Seeing Kara’s sunny disposition change so drastically was almost giving her whiplash.
“I wanted to tell you after a few months. Gosh, I was so tired of hiding it from you and I knew that you were good. You are one of the best people I’ve ever met, even then. But every time I tried to bring it up with someone else, they’d throw your name into my face and tell me not to trust you.”
“And you went along with it?”
Kara sighed, nervously scratching the skin at the back of her wrist. “It was my own family that was basically telling me to choose. I knew what the correct choice was but I had always been told to hide every part of me that wasn't human. They had taught me that, so Alex and the others were the experts so I couldn't say no.”
Lena crossed her arms. “And after?”
“After that, there was Reign and you had Kryptonite and you hated Supergirl but you loved Kara Danvers.” Kara shrugged. “The choice was between having you hate a part or all of me. It may not have been right but that part was easy.”
“And after that? After we made peace and we worked together? When I was a part of the friend group? Even when Alex trusted me? Why did you still keep it from me then?”
There was a bashful smile playing around Kara’s lips. “And there we get to the part where I was actually a coward. I knew that you were good and everyone else agreed. But I also knew you- I knew you better than everyone else and I knew how much you despised one thing.”
“Lies.”
“Yes,” Kara agreed. “So I couldn't tell you because your friendship had become so important to me that I couldn't bear the thought of losing it. Even if it meant lying to you, I couldn't find the courage to risk losing you. I tried to tell you, several times but you’d remind me that you trusted me completely and that you had been betrayed so many times before. So I stopped myself. And on doing so I broke your trust further and further with you being none the wiser”
Lena was gnawing at her lip, mulling over the words that Kara was saying. “I am still furious about all that.”
“And that is your right.” The Kryptonian had crossed her legs. “But why didn't you tell me that after I had finally told you that I’m Supergirl? Why didn't you slap me and tell me to go to hell? Why did you have to use me, why did you make me bring you to the one place that is entirely Kryptonian on this earth - just for you to trap me there? Do you have any idea just how fucked up that is? You were mad and I understand that but I never would have thought that you would actually use kryptonite on me.” She was wringing her hands together, as if the memory was still causing her physical pain. “I’ve always trusted you. Despite what everyone said, I always trusted you. And then you went and did exactly what everyone had always warned me about. I understand fury and sadness and grief but what I can't understand is betraying all of the ideals that you’d lived by for years. You didn't just hurt me by doing all of that, you betrayed yourself.”
There was a sharp breath intake, Lena was frowning now, the memories assaulting her like shots from a riffle. That couldn't be true. It couldn't be! It just couldn't -
“Look at me and tell me that when you look into the mirror you don't see an ounce of shame,” Kara said. “Because I feel guilty every time I put on that suit. But I at least know that I was trying to do everything for the right reasons. Can you say the same?”
Lena’s eyes were stinging now. She blinked several times, trying to will the tears away. “I don't know,” she whispered in return.
“That's what I thought.” Kara's gaze was full of disappointment. “I can only say that I am sorry so many times. But nothing is going to change if you don't take accountability for your own actions as well. I fucked up - so very badly. But I’m not the only one.”
The Luthor was looking everywhere but at Kara. Those bright blue eyes were drilling into her with an intensity that almost hurt. Fuck, she should have gone to that therapist that Sam had recommended. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yes.”
Kara gave her a small nod. “That's a start.” She straightened her legs. “Now what about the boy?”
“He’s different.”
“I noticed that. Is he Kryptonian?”
Lena tilted her head. “I can only presume that he is.”
The reporter put one hand up against the side of her head. “He almost died because you didn't hand him over.”
“I know.”
“I asked you if you knew where he was and you lied to me.”
“I know.”
“And even when he was in critical condition, you still decided to wait because - what? You thought that I didn't deserve to know that there was another Kryptonian on earth?”
Lena shook her head. “I agree that I should have told you sooner but you're wrong about that last part, it’s more complicated than that.”
The blonde grimaced. “I hate that word. Why don't you simplify it for me?”
Pinching the bridge of her nose, the CEO had to refuse. “I can't.”
“Why can't you?”
“Because I promised him not to tell?”
Kara chuckled bitterly. “Than you give no choice but to assume that you were hiding him out of cruelty.”
Lena could swear that she could feel the temperature drop by several degrees. This was definitely not going well. But Kara was right, she had betrayed her own values, she couldn't bear doing that again. Leo had come to her with the belief that she'd be able to help him, that she would keep his secret safe. Lena wasn't about to disappoint the time traveller - especially if he was Kara’s son. She couldn't. Not even if it meant that Kara would distrust her. Perhaps this was what was needed to ensure the boy's existence. Perhaps, Lena needed to move out of the way to make Kara see that there was a future for her outside of the Supergirl suit.
“I can only say that that wasn't the case.”
“But you don't have proof.”
“No.”
Kara ran a hand through her hair. “Then I believe that we’re done here.”
“Just like that?” Lena was drowning. This has been too fast.
But the Kryptonian nodded, her jaw grinding down in itself and Lena could have sworn that she saw her fingers shake slightly. “I’ve told you everything. There are no more secrets from my side. But you are continuing to hide what’s going on. That is a conscious decision you're making and I can't dissuade you from making it.” Her voice was slightly wavering. “But without getting an explanation, I am officially giving up on this.” The expression on her face looked pained as she pointed from herself to Lena. “I will no longer be trying to force a friendship since there clearly isn't one.”
Lena felt like she wanted to cry. She wanted to curl up on the carpet and weep until someone told her that it would all be fine.
Kara stood up. “Congratulations, Lena. You got what you wanted.”
Lena got up as well, reaching for her things in a haze and all but stumbling out of the door of Kara's apartment. She didn't say a word. She couldn't - not without contradicting her earlier statement and revealing Leo’s secret. Once she stood outside in the hall, there were silent tears running down her face.
This was not at all what Lena had wanted.