Chapter Text
"If you wanted so badly to die… it should've been you! Not her!"
The scream echoed in his mind a second before he woke up with a jolt, sweat clinging to his skin and a stabbing pain drilling into his temples. He pressed his hands against his head, gripping hard, trying to silence the painful pounding inside. Once again, that damned day had caught up with him.
"Babe, hold me," he whispered hoarsely, craving her body curled against his like every morning. "I need you here with me." When no answer came, he stretched his arms across the bed searching for her skin, her hair, her face, her mouth, but found only the cold sheets; no one was there.
He forced his eyes open, blinded by the light seeping through the curtains. That color? He pushed himself upright slowly, still holding his head, while the burgundy red of the sheets, and the curtains too, deepened his disorientation. Had they ended up in a hotel? This wasn't either of their homes.
"Are you in the bathroom?" he asked, unsettled by the strange setting around him. "Mikasa," he called when no sound came back, and as his foot touched the freezing floor, dizziness knocked him off balance and he had to cling to the wall to keep from collapsing. "Shit, what's wrong with me?"
His body felt foreign, overtaken by pain, drowsiness, and an unbearable thirst, but the urge to find her was stronger. Step by step the brunette staggered toward the bathroom, only to be left confused by the open door and the empty space inside.
"What the hell-." His breath caught when he saw his reflection, naked, his torso, neck, jaw, and lips smeared with crimson lipstick; desperate marks pressed into every corner of his skin.
His lungs immediately tightened. Had he ever seen her wear such an intense shade on her lips? The thought struck before his hands dug into his filthy skin, clawing at the stains with his nails. But another wave of dizziness clouded him, forcing him back to the bed.
Lying down again, with everything spinning around him, he struggled to recall what he had done the night before. Yesterday had been prepared for a perfect moment, so why wasn't Mikasa by his side? Why was he alone, and why did that suffocating crimson all around churn his stomach? He rubbed his hands over his face.
His memory was hazy, offering nothing to help him make sense of what was happening, and as his fingers wandered across the sheets searching for his phone or some clothes, what they found was a folded piece of paper, stamped with red lips, the same shade still staining his skin.
Eren sat on the bed, ignoring the sharp pain splitting through his skull. With uncertainty gnawing at him and his bare hands stripped of the protection of his black gloves, he unfolded the note and his world shattered:
"Even if I have to settle for just one night, I wish we could relive that perfect way I was yours, Senator."
He threw the paper as far as his trembling hands allowed, praying to any god, fate, or unknown force that those words were just a joke… a cruel joke, he told himself-.
If only… for a moment his mind clung to denial, to the chance that someone was playing a trick on him. He convinced himself it had to be a nightmare, anything but real. Eren forced out a laugh, scanning for some detail to hold his illusion together until his eyes landed on the glass table in front of the bed, where white powder lines stretched across the gleaming surface, flanked by glass pipes and small mirrors dusted with residue. To the side, a used syringe lay beside empty plastic bags and a card scarred with the same powder.
Nothing he was seeing could be real. He had never tried anything stronger than alcohol; he had never touched another woman who wasn't Mikasa. Just imagining his hands on someone else's skin was repulsive. Impossible. She lived in his mind, in his skin, in his hands, in every beat of his heart.
Then, what the hell had happened? They had made plans for dinner, and at dawn he was going to take her to that special place where everything seemed to stop, where he would show her she was the only thing that mattered. Why, instead, did he find only emptiness in his mind?
He held his head in his hands, begging for another memory because all he could retrieve was arriving at Congress and the brief review of documents, and after that, nothing… He was about to break under the weight of his questions when knocking on the door pulled him back to reality.
"Room service," a female voice announced, and those words seemed almost like a blessing; at least he could get answers. He searched for his clothes in a rush, finding only his pants. He pulled them on and walked to the door, his head still spinning. That very sensation was the only reason he hadn't run out of there already; his body wouldn't respond properly.
When he opened the door, he found an older woman pushing a cleaning cart, who stiffened at the sight of him as if she had just seen a ghost.
"Where am I? What is this place?" Eren spat immediately, frowning, his breath ragged. "I don't remember how I got here!"
The woman flinched and stepped back. She had worked there for years and dealt with every kind of guest, but the man in front of her looked lost and dangerously unhinged, with red eyes and a face anyone would mistake for aggressive.
"This-. This is a hotel," she answered, trying not to look at the burns on his hands and chest or the smears of lipstick all over his body. "Tybur Holdings Hotels."
Eren's nostrils flared. This place was known as the hideout of politicians and businessmen with their mistresses. The last place he should be. God, what did I do? His legs felt weak, and out of the corner of his eye he glanced back at the room he had barely noticed, the mirror on the ceiling, the red leather chairs… that damned color.
"Sir, if you don't need the service, I'll come back later," the maid added, eager to get away, but Eren, dizzy, leaned on the doorframe to keep from collapsing, and with his other hand grabbed the cleaning cart.
"I need to make a call. Give me your phone," he demanded, unwilling to let her leave until he had it. And maybe out of fear of his furious expression, the woman fumbled in her uniform pocket and handed it to him.
Eren stepped back into the room and collapsed onto the bed. And when the screen told him it was already two in the afternoon on Saturday, his throat clenched. Damn it, everything was ruined. His hands trembled in a way they never had before as he punched in her number. He had no idea how those hours had vanished, only that he needed to know she was safe… and to hear her voice.
He called five times. Five times, and none were answered. "Pick up, Babe, please," he whispered, watching the sixth call vanish too. Just like the others.
"Excuse me, I need my phone. I have to work," the maid had stepped back inside after him, wanting her cellphone returned as soon as possible.
"I'll pay you triple what you make in a year here," he muttered without taking his eyes off the screen, while his frantic fingers dialed Annie's number, who picked up immediately.
"Hello?"
"Annie."
"You selfish bastard! I haven't slept at all searching for you!" she screamed furiously through the line. "We couldn't find you anywhere, all because of your damned whim to go get drunk."
"Get drunk?! What the hell are you talking about?!" He didn't drink anymore.
"Now you're going to pretend you don't remember? Floch said you went out drinking last night because you couldn't handle your anxiety about proposing to Mikasa," she shot back, and Eren froze. He couldn't remember that at all. "I don't get you, damn it. Didn't you spend months planning that day? Didn't you tell Mikasa you'd never touch alcohol again?"
Wait, how the hell did Floch know? If he had felt trapped in confusion before, now it was worse. Not only could he not remember going out with Floch, but on such an important date, had he gone to a bar to drink? Eren was sure he hadn't touched alcohol in months and, even if he had, he never lost control… His eyes drifted involuntarily to the drugs scattered over the table. Had he taken something?
"Hey, don't go silent. I already have enough with you disappearing when there are people out there who want you dead. Now, tell me where you are so I can come get you." While she worried about the risks of him being without his security ring, Eren only cared about one thing.
"Do you… do you know anything about her? Is she okay?"
There was an awkward silence from Annie, as if she were weighing her words. "She called me yesterday, worried… She didn't sound well, she was crying." She let out a sigh, irritated with her boss, because thanks to him she had been forced to lie to Mikasa while he was out drinking. "I told her you had a problem with your security detail."
Eren pressed his lips together until they hurt, fighting the tremor in them, his eyes locked on the table, on the crumpled note beside it. “Annie… I think I’ve done something unforgivable.”
On the other end of the line, Annie froze, running through every possibility in her mind, all of them bad, far too bad, and knowing Eren, she could only fear the worst. "Did you kill someone?" she asked, almost against her will.
And Eren wished he had, wished it were murder, wished it were a crime that demanded blood or prison or anything else, anything but her eyes meeting the marks that weren’t hers. "I think… I think I slept with a stranger-."
The words were barely out when Annie and Ymir exploded, their screams overlapping. "What the hell did you do?!"
"Wait, are you sure I should add onion now that the soup's already done?" she asked, slicing the vegetable with eyes full of stinging tears, the phone wedged between her shoulder and ear. "I feel like it's going to end up worse than it looks."
She heard her friend laugh through the phone. Sasha was driving down the highway, taking her mother and sisters to try on dresses for the island's bicentennial celebration, which would be held at the National Capitol in a month.
"Historia, just follow the instructions," she said, stealing a glance in the rearview mirror at her mother and sisters, distracted in their talk about fabrics. It was the perfect moment for the question burning in her throat. "How is she? Did she tell you what happened?"
Historia drew in a deep breath and glanced back to make sure her friend wasn't nearby. "I'm not sure. She just wanted to stay with me this weekend, and when I saw she hadn't slept at all, I didn't ask; I just made her rest. I looked in a while ago, and she was finally asleep."
"I'm sure he did something stupid," Sasha said, disappointed.
And probably he had done something, because Mikasa wasn't the kind of person who sought refuge in someone else's home when she felt bad. She always hid her feelings, and in all the years Historia had known her, she had never seen her this sad. That was why she was now trying to make favorite soup, hoping to cheer her up.
"Yesterday was their anniversary, right?" she asked, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.
"Yes! That's why I'm so mad," Sasha burst out, forgetting she wasn't alone in the car. "At the office I talked to her and she was so happy because they were finally going to stop hiding." She let out an exaggerated sigh. "Now I'm sure he regretted it because of his stupid political ideology."
Right or left? With the government or against it? Backed by some politician? No, those questions had lost importance; Eren was already in the Senate by his own effort. Historia set the onion aside and leaned on the counter, staring at the murky-looking soup. "I don't think it's that, maybe something else happened," she murmured, more focused on deciding whether to order food than on what she was saying.
"Hey… are you defending him?"
"Of course not!" she snapped instantly, too quickly, enough to sound like the opposite. "I hate all those secrets, all the drama that comes with them… but then I see them together, him looking at her like nothing else exists, and her with that light in her eyes." A small smile touched her lips. "You've seen it too. You know how impossible it is for Eren to hide that he loves her. They both struggle. So no, I'm not excusing him. I just don't think he regrets wanting to bring their relationship into the open."
As she listened, her fingers dug into the steering wheel. She couldn't deny that her friend was right, but eternal love didn't make up for what Mikasa was going through.
"Love isn't enough," she muttered after a few seconds. "Not when we see her fading a little more each day. She shuts herself off from all of us. She won't talk, and if she's at your house, it’s just to hide from what she can't face."
"I know… love doesn't mean hurting." And yet, it was hard for her to accept what she was saying, because she couldn't help but identify with Eren. In how, without meaning to, he ended up leaving scars on the people he cared for most.
"Sash, you're going to get wrinkles if you frown that much," a voice cut in from the back. Historia figured it must be Kaya, Sasha's younger sister, right before hearing a long sigh.
"I'll call you when I'm on my way to your place, okay?" she said, trying hard to sound calm. She didn't want to argue with her friend, but she was done justifying Eren instead of helping Mikasa. "In the meantime, follow my instructions to the letter, and save that soup."
The change of subject drew a laugh from the blonde, as she looked around at the stacked dishes, ingredients scattered everywhere, and a soup that looked more like one of her students' science projects than food. "I give up, I'll order something," she admitted, making Sasha laugh too.
"Later I'll teach you the recipe step by step… Take care of her until I get there."
"I will."
After hanging up, she ordered from Sasha's boyfriend's restaurant, and twenty minutes later, just as she finished washing the dishes, the knocks at the door echoed through the apartment.
"That was fast," she muttered, drying her hands on her T-shirt, since she never bothered to buy an apron. Crossing the marble island of her kitchen with a small smile on her face, she opened the door expecting to see the delivery man. "Hi, how mu-.?"
Her kind expression froze when a pair of cold eyes locked on her, and realizing the mistake of opening without checking first, she tried to slam the door shut in the intruder's face.
"What do you think you're doing? You can't just barge in!" she demanded, glaring as Eren blocked the door with his arm.
"Mikasa's here," he growled, shoving to get in. "Move. I need to talk to her."
Historia could barely make out his face, but he wasn't in the mood for games, and neither was she. "Not a chance," she hissed through her teeth, throwing all her weight against the door, her thin shoulder pressed hard into the wood. Her socks slipped on the polished floor, but she didn't give in. "You're not going near her. She definitely doesn't want to see you!"
"I'm not leaving without seeing her." Eren planted both palms against the door, and she immediately felt the difference in strength.
He was over a foot taller and probably twice her weight; he was going to crush her. She felt it in the way the door gave way, inch by inch, her muscles trembling with the strain, until one last shove knocked her back and forced the door open. Yet instead of retreating, she straightened in the hallway, arms spread wide.
"You can't be here. Not today." Her blue eyes were as firm as her decision not to let him through. "She finally fell asleep after the hell I assume you put her through, and I won't let you wake her. Come back when it's Mikasa who wants to talk to you. For now, let her rest."
He didn't even hesitate with her words; desperation in his eyes had darkened into something else. "She's really bad, isn't she?" he asked, and the guilt bursting in his eyes was something she wished she hadn't witnessed. It felt like staring at herself.
"Damn it, Eren, I thought you wouldn't make the same mistakes I did." It was uncomfortable to see her own reflection in him. "Get out before I call the police. After all, your fears have always mattered more to you than she does." That last part wasn't true, but her words were meant to wound, and they did; though not enough to stop him.
"You know she's the only thing that matters to me." And he meant it. Historia understood better than anyone what he was capable of; when it came to Mikasa, that man could turn into something terrifying. A being of oppressive energy, just like now.
"If you keep breaking her heart like this, I doubt that's true," she shot back, refusing to be intimidated. "Not while you keep drowning her in secrets. Not when everyone else sees the opposite of what you claim to feel." She lowered her arms, resting them on her waist. "You already have plenty of people against you, and if you want my advice, stop being a coward, because by the time you realize it, you'll have lost her. Maybe you alrea-."
"Don't say another word," he cut her off sharply, unwilling to accept that thought. He wasn't going to repeat her story. "Move."
Disrespectful! What you need is a good kick to bring you back to your senses, she thought, certain her self-defense classes would give her what she needed not to let him through…
"It's been a long time since I last saw you, dear Historia," a familiar voice came from behind Eren, accompanied by a mocking laugh. She froze, unable to process that after so long and so many failed attempts, she was finally standing in front of her.
"Y-Ymir," she managed nervously, paralyzed for a second, and that distraction was exactly what Eren needed to slip into her house. "Stop!" she shouted, trying to go after him, but Ymir wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her back. "You cheated. You distracted me on purpose," she protested, blushing at that mischievous smile she had missed so much.
"What are you saying, queen? I'm just greeting you the way you like," the brunette huffed, brushing her lips against her flushed cheek. It was a fleeting moment, a brief kiss, though Historia felt it as if it lasted forever. "How are you?" In response, the blonde clung to her in an embrace she didn't seem willing to let go of.
Eren didn't even glance at the two women. He moved quickly across the polished wooden floor, taking in the layout of the place. He had never been there, but he could guess where the bedrooms were from the view of the empty kitchen. He shoved open several doors without paying attention to what was inside, guided only by instinct, until he reached the last one and stopped.
His breathing grew ragged, and he noticed again how his hands shook as he turned the handle. The fear of facing her gripped him, yet he chose to speak. He opened the door and saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, hugging herself tightly, her gaze lost in the sunlight spilling between skyscrapers while the afternoon breeze played with the loose strands of her hair.
'Sunsets have something special', she had told him long ago, and that smile of hers had etched itself in his memory forever. 'I know it's just light scattering in the atmosphere… but I can't help feeling there's magic in the way the whole sky changes color.'
She loved watching it; she used to say it helped her think, and he adored the smile that appeared on her lips when she did. A smile he couldn't find now. He bit the inside of his cheek, hating himself for hurting her, as he waited for her to say his name, though she didn't look at him; it was as if she had decided to erase him from her world.
No, no, wake up. She loves you, and you love her. This won't destroy you, you'll overcome it.
"Babe," he whispered in a low tone, pulling off his black gloves one by one. He needed to touch her; every fiber of his being demanded it… Mikasa was his refuge. But when his hands were about to reach her, her sorrowful eyes locked on his and froze him in place.
"Don't come near me," she ordered, and tears began to slip down her face, the kind that seem to carry away a piece of the soul as they fall. "I don't want you to touch me."
His expression stiffened in horror; she had never denied him that. Touching Mikasa was his way of speaking without words, of giving her his life, and for her to deny him that chance was to leave him mute before the only heart he longed to reach.
"Don't ask me that," he pleaded, stuffing the gloves into his coat pocket. And against her request, he dropped beside her as Mikasa shrank, trying to disappear from him and from her own sorrow. He didn't let her. His hands held hers, and amidst her resistance, he wiped her tears with the same tenderness he had always shown. "I'm sorry. I ruined everything. I hurt you again…"
She shut her eyes, searching for refuge in the darkness, biting her lips to hold back the sobs, those only he could draw from her, born from love when it turns into pain. While Eren kept caressing her face and kissing her wet cheeks, whispering apologies between each touch.
"I swear I never meant to," he exhaled, anxious under the weight of what he had to confess. "I had prepared everything, I wanted to show you my love in the only way I know. Because I love you, you're the only thing that matters to me." He leaned closer, his hands sliding up her neck to frame her face. "Some- something happened."
Every word spilling from his lips made Mikasa's tears fall harder. For her, it was unbearable to hear him repeat the same thing over and over; all empty promises she kept falling for even while knowing they were lies.
"Something happened and I-."
"Don't say anything," she interrupted, drowning in sobs. Her lips trembled. "Love, h-help me stop feeling like this." The pain in her eyes was so raw that Eren had to steel himself just to hold her gaze. "L-let's take a break-."
"No!" he exploded, fear twisting his features in a way that shook her. "No, you can't even think about leaving me. You can't, you can't! You love me, I love you. We love each other."
"Please, Eren," she begged, a knot trapped in her throat along with a fresh wave of tears. "I can't anymore, this pain here is suffocating me." She guided his hand to her chest. "It hurts… so much… to love you."
"It won't hurt anymore." He crushed her against his arms, as if by doing so he could keep her. "I promise. I'll make things right. Just give me one more chance."
To her, he didn't understand what consumed her inside when she asked for distance, nor how hard it was to accept that their love had become chains impossible for her to break on her own, and that was why she was asking for his help. Still, she didn't resist when Eren's hands settled on her waist and the heat of his palms seeped through the silk of her nightgown as he lifted her easily to sit on his lap.
"Just one," he pleaded, swallowing the truth he had been about to reveal. After hearing her, he knew he had to bury what had happened yesterday forever, and if necessary, he would send to the other world the one responsible for that note, because no one was going to break what they had. "I'll make everything perfect, do you hear me? Every day I'll show you how much I love you."
Mikasa looked at him from her place on top of him, fighting every urge to give in, resisting his deceptions. Yet, as always, his pleas rang too loudly inside her, and when his hands slid down her thighs to rest on her hips, pulling her subtly toward his mouth, her resistance began to crumble, and he noticed.
"Please, I don't want to destroy myself anymore," she wept, searching for his compassion. "I can't take it, Eren. I swear I can't."
"I won't hurt you again," he said, brushing his lips over the tears tracing her cheeks. "I swear on my mother," he added, and Mikasa tensed; never before had she heard him swear by Carla, the most sacred thing to him. "I swear on my mother I won't fail you again."
She froze, absorbed in the certainty she saw in his eyes. Eren had sworn on his dead mother, a subject he had never mentioned since what happened years ago. And perhaps her mind, weak from loving him, clung to the hope that what she had just heard was true, because immediately she wrapped her arms around his neck while Eren, as if he had waited his whole life for that moment, pressed his lips against hers with a force that made her tremble to her core.
He moved his mouth with roughness, showing his thirst for her, sliding his hot tongue against hers with a pressure that forced her to respond, biting and tangling in that intense need radiating between them; each kiss a reminder of what burned inside, of what they didn't say. It was intensity beyond reason, in a chaos of breaths and moans intertwined, that still felt insufficient until he slowed the pace, letting his lips wander over her damp skin while his firm hands gripped her hips, steadying the tremors shaking her.
"I love you," he purred, and a pang shot through Mikasa's chest; something felt wrong, she could sense it. Even so, seeing the urgency in his eyes, she answered with a quick kiss that silenced him, before curling against his neck, seeking the warmth of his closeness.
Running away from home had been useless. In less than ten minutes, she was in his arms again as if nothing had happened, while night stretched around them, and she prayed to every god that this time things would turn out right. And as if they heard her, Eren brushed the hair from her face and whispered in her ear:
"Love, you don't have to fear anything, my dreams are only with you." Mikasa looked at him, slightly confused, provoking a smile from him. "I dream of seeing you dressed in white, walking toward me in a church, and slipping a ring on your finger that promises you'll always be mine."
At once, she pulled back, incredulous at the words she had longed to hear for so many years. "What?" she whispered, still unable to believe it. "You want to marry me?"
"You're the only person I want to build a life with, marry, have lots of children…" he touched her belly, and Mikasa laughed, a laugh broken by tears now falling out of happiness, hugging him as if she wanted to fuse with him.
"Yes, yes, yes… I want to be with you too. Marry only you," said his beloved, and the joy of her words made him hold her tighter. Regretting that those declarations were only intentions and not the reality he had dreamed for this day.
What happened in that hotel? Eren wondered, feeling a premonition pressing hard in his gut. Yet with Mikasa now calm and smiling at the words about their future together, he allowed himself a few minutes of peace.
"Let's go home," he whispered, and without waiting for her reply, he lifted himself with her clinging to his neck. He tilted his face down, brushing his lips to the tip of her nose while she rose on tiptoes, struggling to reach the floor. "I love you so much." Then, he pressed a final, lingering kiss to her forehead.
She sighed, her skin still tingling from the way Eren could restore her happiness after so many tears. As they pulled apart, she noticed his dark gaze lingering on her, on the pink nightgown that left little to the imagination. He couldn't bear the thought of her being seen like that anywhere but with him. Then he removed his coat and draped it over her shoulders, letting his fingers brush her skin for a fleeting moment before covering her completely.
"Let's go," she said and, intertwining her fingers with his, let herself be guided. However, they hadn't reached the kitchen when Mikasa stopped, seeing Historia leaning against the counter with Ymir bent over her, devouring her mouth. Eren tugged at her hand to keep moving, indifferent, but the sound of their steps forced Historia to pull away, flushed with embarrassment.
"Mikasa, he came in like an intruder. I couldn't stop it…" she managed to say, and noticing their joined hands made her cut herself short. It was clear they had reconciled.
"Carry on, we're leaving," said Eren, resuming their pace, without Mikasa, who had stayed frozen, caught under Ymir's malicious grin…
"Love conquers all, doesn't it, ex-goth girl?" mocked the brunette, amazed Mikasa would overlook whatever had happened in that hotel. But her smile vanished as soon as she noticed the slight tension in Eren's shoulders and the scorching glare that ordered her to shut up. Wasn't he going to follow Annie's advice?
Meanwhile, Mikasa felt embarrassed in front of them; she had run to seek refuge in Historia's house to escape Eren, and now she was returning holding his hand. Though Historia, far from upset or feeling used as Mikasa thought, was uneasy about how mad Sasha would be if she let her leave with him without protest.
"Mika, why don't you stay a while? Sasha will come see you."
Eren didn't like the suggestion at all; nor the feeling that they were trying to separate her from him. "No, she's coming with me," he declared, pressing his hand firmly against her back to make her walk. He wasn't going to stay another second, or at least that's how it seemed.
"Don't be rude," Mikasa dug her bare feet into the floor and lifted her gray eyes to face him. "They're asking me, not you, Eren."
"I- I," Eren blinked several times, realizing too late that he had sounded aggressive. "I'm sorry, Babe," he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead as if wanting to erase the moment, then leaned to her ear: "It's just that I'm scared… I'm scared you won't give me another chance."
For some inexplicable reason, every time Eren showed himself vulnerable and afraid of not being near her, she found it impossible to resist. It made her want to grab him by the neck, sink her fingers into his hair, and kiss him in the most vulgar way possible. 'No! What are you thinking?' she scolded herself upon realizing she hadn't taken her eyes off his mouth.
'Mikasa, control yourself,' she told herself, forcing her gaze toward the girls. Ymir was calmly examining her nails, and Historia stood with her arms crossed and a disapproving frown aimed at him. "Historia… I'm going home. Can we see each other later?"
The blonde sighed. "No problem, we'll go out when you have time." At least she could tell Sasha she had tried.
Mikasa nodded with a smile, and then Eren set his hand against her back, not moving it, just letting her feel his anxiety. "I'm missing my shoes," she said, wiggling her toes to prove it.
At the entrance, the shoes were neatly lined up against the wall, including her low heels. And just as Mikasa bent down to pick them up, Eren crouched in front of her, grabbing them. Heat rushed to her face and she opened her mouth to protest, but he was already holding her right foot, slipping on the first shoe with care before repeating the process with the other.
"Are they comfortable?" he asked, looking up at her with that mischievous smile he should save for when they were alone.
"Yes." She pulled her foot back, too overwhelmed to say anything else, and Eren stood up satisfied, slipping his hand into the pocket of the coat he had draped over her. He pulled out his gloves without taking his eyes off her, until something over her shoulder caught his attention. Annoyed, why weren't they leaving? he grumbled, when it was him who should have been gone.
"We'll leave with Hannes, you can stay if you want," he said to Ymir, and Mikasa narrowed her eyes at the sound of her bodyguard's name, and possibly the one who had betrayed her whereabouts.
For her part, Ymir shrugged indifferently, while Historia couldn't hide the alarm that crossed her face. "You'll want to stay, right?"
The brunette grabbed her chin, pretending to be in a dilemma. "Hmm, I think I'm still on shift. You know, I take my commitments very seriously."
Historia's heart sank instantly; to her, Ymir's answer meant she was about to ignore her. Once again she would go back to months without seeing her, months in which she felt she would never be forgiven for the decisions of the past that weighed on her. And Mikasa, sensing the fear in her friend's eyes, chose to intervene: "Hey Ymir, you're staying."
"Stop being a nuisance or your new mission will be to protect Miss Reiss from unwanted intruders," Eren said with irony, and Mikasa jabbed him with a discreet elbow in the ribs; after all, the only intruder had been him.
"I'll have to kick your ass someday," Historia huffed angrily, and when her attention returned to Ymir, her cheeks spread into a radiant smile. "So, you're staying?"
"Hmm, I've already been assigned a new mission," she replied, leaning in with that look she used to stir up trouble. "Darling, if you want to hit him, go ahead, I'm sure Mikasa will join in soon."
Historia missed the joke entirely. All she cared about was hugging her, so absorbed that she didn't see them leave. Damn Eren! He hadn't even let her say goodbye to her friend.
Yes, he yanked her out of the apartment, holding her by the neck and kissing her with the same urgency she had imagined minutes before. Mikasa barely noticed when they reached the elevator, too busy being pressed against the cold wall and feeling the heat of his body over hers. She didn't resist; it was impossible to think with his tongue stroking her palate, his lips devouring her, and his hands sliding under the coat to trace her waist. He knew exactly how to silence her.
By the time they reached the first floor, they were both gasping, and their disheveled clothes spoke for them. Mikasa burned with embarrassment, grateful that no one was in the lobby as she buried herself in the coat when the chilly autumn night air hit her outside.
"Your scarf? Is it upstairs?" Eren stopped near the cars where the bodyguards waited, unsettled at the sight of her without that garment. "Stay here, I'll go get it." He was already raising his hand to signal the guards when Mikasa took refuge in his arms.
"No," her voice came muffled against his black sweater. "I didn't bring it." Earlier this afternoon, when she started receiving calls from an unknown number, she had fled her house because she knew it was him. And maybe in that escape she had wished, though she wouldn't admit it, to shed what that scarf meant.
You didn't bring it with you? He frowned. Mikasa never forgot that scarf; she loved it, and so did he, because in a way it meant carrying something of his with her. Could she be…? No, he didn't even want to finish that thought.
"Don't ever leave it behind again, it's too cold," he whispered, and with two fingers tilted her face up to him. "See? You feel it, you're trembling, Babe." His eyes burned with the intent to kiss her, to claim in kisses the absence of his mark. But before he could-.
"Don't even think about it, brat," Hannes growled drunkenly, wagging an accusing finger at him. "The girl's not wearing a ring yet, so keep your hands and mouth where I can see them."
A defiant smile curved on Eren's lips. "Well, that might change soon," he told Hannes, who widened his eyes in surprise before glancing at Mikasa's hands.
"Where is it?"
"Hannes, don't look!" she protested, pulling away from Eren and giving him a playful smack while her cheeks turned scarlet, practically pouting at the biggest gossip. "Do you have any idea what would happen if my dad found out you revealed my location in exchange for alcohol?"
The man bared all his teeth in a wide grin at the threat. He was the only bodyguard with higher privileges due to seniority, but also the one who caused her the most trouble. Mikasa sighed in resignation, climbing into the car, and almost at the same time, a silhouette was watching them from the shadows.
The exhaustion from all the repressed emotions finally overcame her the moment she rested her head on the pillow. Mikasa curled up against Eren, who whispered in her ear how much he loved her, and let herself fall into a deep sleep that tears and the ache in her heart had denied her the night before.
She woke wrapped in that peace only he could give her, and also take away. He was awake, tangled around her body, his face buried in the valley of her breasts, as if that space had been made for him. His warm breath grazed her skin and, at first glance, he seemed calm, even thoughtful… but the stiffness in his neck and the fact that he hadn't noticed she was awake set her on edge.
"Love," she murmured with concern, and he lifted his head in a start, his tired eyes meeting hers. Had he stayed awake?... "Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry, I was thinking." His voice was rougher than usual. "Did you sleep well?"
"I should be the one asking you that. Did you sleep?" Mikasa sank her fingers into his hair while he closed his eyelids under her touch. "Yesterday I was too hurt to ask what happened," she said, noticing the tension in his jaw. "Tell me, were you in danger? Were you threatened again?"
Eren swallowed with difficulty and rested his forehead on her shoulder, unable to meet her gaze. He didn't want to deceive her, he wanted to tell her the truth, beg her forgiveness on his knees if he had to. Yet doing so meant admitting he had woken with traces of another woman on his skin. And what if she didn't forgive him?
"I had to leave the city for security reasons." Just like the night before, he chose the lie rather than risk the only thing he couldn't lose. "Don't think about it anymore, okay? This won't happen again."
Don't think about it anymore? Mikasa fixed her eyes on the ceiling as the questions flooded her. Why didn't he want to talk about it? That doubt unsettled her, because if she thought about it carefully, it was strange that Eren hadn't called her directly, and even stranger that Annie had forgotten something so basic as telling her where he was… It could have been carelessness, yes, but if it was, why was she beginning to feel that nothing made sense?
"Eren," Mikasa murmured after a few seconds in which a strange unease pressed down on her chest. "Are you sure this is going to work-.?"
"Babe!" He looked at her, his brows raised in concern. "We're not going to talk about taking a break. I'll make it work, I promise you."
"No, it's not that." Her fingers slid gently along his stubbled jaw, unable to continue what she had meant to say. "Just… just promise me there won't be more lies, no more excuses." Her voice broke more than she wanted as he shook his head desperately. "If you do it again, even once… it won't matter if it destroys me, if I cry until I turn into nothing… that day, we'll be over."
Mikasa doubted the truth of her own words; maybe it was too much to talk about ending things when she didn't even dare to ask him what had happened for fear of his answer. Still, if the thought of losing her forever was what stopped him from hurting her again, she would accept saying what she never would have said otherwise.
"It won't happen again, my love." Eren sat up abruptly and pulled her by the waist, setting her on his lap. "I swear on my life."
How serious had it been? she wondered, kissing him softly on the lips as she felt the desperation, the vulnerability radiating from his skin, his hands, his eyes, his voice. And although it unsettled her, it also stirred in her the desire to believe every word.
He dismantled all her insecurities so easily, it was almost shameful.
"No more swearing." Her mouth traced along the tension of his jaw. "I believe you… I want to believe in you, in a new beginning for us," she told him, overtaken by an irresistible need. She took the hem of the pajama dress she was still wearing from the day before and began to pull it up. "Make love to me, Eren."
She slipped out of the dress, left only in her panties, waiting for him to throw himself over her body like he always did. And the way he gripped her hips and wetted his lips left no doubt that they were about to... but then he stopped suddenly, that same fear flickering again in his eyes.
"I'll fix you something to eat." Mikasa frowned as Eren dressed her again, already thinking of how to soften the moment. He brushed her nose tenderly and pulled her tight against his chest. "Don't be mad… you're the one who said our fights get solved in bed."
Oh, it was during the second-to-last fight.
"It's better if we don't do it. Not today, not for the whole week."
She was in disbelief, not sure if she had heard him right. That man who never knew how to stop was now asking to wait a whole week! "Are you joking?"
"No, I just… I just want to do things right," he said, pulling her tighter against him.
As absurd as it sounded, their story always repeated itself, fights followed by losing themselves in passion. A cycle that never ended because they never spoke about it after being intimate. That's why, for her, the fact that this time Eren stopped meant he really wanted to change.
She hugged him, overjoyed. What she couldn't grasp was that her boyfriend was holding himself back from sinking into her all day, because first he needed to get medical tests. He couldn't touch her without being sure of what had happened on that erased day from his memory, nor of what that stranger might have left in him…
That Sunday they spent resting, curled up on the couch, watching movies they would forget, since most of the time they were kissing. But maybe they would only remember that it was a romantic comedy, because when the protagonists danced to a ballad on a rooftop, Eren stood up, held out his hand, pulled her with him, and they ended up dancing barefoot on the carpet, laughing like teenagers discovering love for the first time.
"I could never lose you, Mikasa," he whispered, holding her face in his hands. "I would never accept it."
She blinked, a little surprised; that wasn't what she was used to hearing, it wasn't the usual 'I love you.'
Her lips curved into a half-smile; she felt like she was dreaming awake, thinking those green eyes had always looked at her, only her. "Then keep loving me… love me, love me more than I love you, Eren."
"I already do, I already love you more than my life," he answered without hesitation. "No one will ever love you the way I love you."
His love sometimes felt like a sentence, and she loved that it did. After seven years together, when love and desire are supposed to fade, they still loved each other more than at the beginning. She knew she couldn't be with any man but him, and she was convinced Eren wouldn't belong to any woman but her. Or at least, that's what Mikasa wanted to believe.
While waiting for dinner and watching the news from the couch in front of the kitchen, just as Armin had warned her in a message, Eren never took his eyes off her, afraid she might uncover his lies.
He swallowed hard, the knife moving through the vegetables for her favorite soup. He needed to end this nightmare as soon as possible, and he would feel more at ease if Floch showed up to tell him what had happened at the bar. Because it wasn't enough to repeat to himself that he would never be unfaithful to the love of his life; the doubt came from knowing alcohol and drugs could have torn down his defenses.
Drugs? Shit! What if it really had been that? He clenched the knife handle so tightly his knuckles turned white, trying to push that thought from his mind, because if he kept this nervous, Mikasa would end up noticing what tormented him. Luckily, Annie was already taking care of erasing any evidence and tracking down the bitch who had left the note. That way, the truth would stay buried forever.
He looked at his hands, the skin hardened and scarred from burns years ago. They were the only ones that had ever claimed her exquisite body. And now, the mere thought of them having touched someone else's made him sick.
"Love, are you okay?" Mikasa's voice pulled him back to reality. She was coming toward him, humming a melody she always sang when she was happy, and as she entered the kitchen she wrapped her arms around his neck to kiss his lips. "You've been frowning all day," she added, caressing his brow with her thumb. "Do you want to talk?"
"Forgive me, tomorrow I have an important assembly," he said on the spot, his mind momentarily silenced by the sight of her in a black satin nightdress that outlined every curve. He leaned over her, pressing her against the kitchen counter, consumed by a desperate need to hold her forever. "Kiss me."
Mikasa answered with a mischievous smile instead of giving in to his plea, turning her back to him to taste a spoonful of the steaming soup. "How do you make it taste just like my mother's?" she deflected, closing her eyes as she savored the broth. "She taught both of us the recipe, and still mine never turns out the same."
"It has to be perfect if it’s for you," he murmured, nuzzling her neck, inhaling the sweet strawberry scent of her skin. His hands lingered on her flat stomach, full of intent. "Mikasa… do you remember what we talked about yesterday?"
"Mmm." She melted into him. "Yes… I remember everything."
His smile spread against the softness of her skin, determined to sweep away any obstacle between them after being weighed down all day by the situation. The shadows of the past that had haunted them from the start didn't matter, nor the problems that might arise; he just needed to bind her to him, and he would.
The tips of his fingers moved up and down over the fabric, pressing a little harder with each caress while his mouth pressed to her ear in a deep tone. "Give me a child."
A shiver ran through Mikasa's body at those words, and she didn't even pay attention to the news she had been waiting for:
"The construction of the controversial luxury hotel on the coasts of Shiganshina continues to generate debate. Environmental leaders warn of the severe impact it could have on mangroves, ecosystems essential for marine biodiversity…"
Yes, Eren had confessed it to her yesterday, and that was precisely one of the reasons she had clung to his arms again. Since childhood, she had dreamed of starting a family with him. But sharing that wish during a reconciliation was one thing, and feeling that he demanded it right away, as if he wanted it yesterday, was another.
"Are you… are you sure?" she set the spoon aside, feeling Eren's muscular arms trapping her even more.
"Too sure," his lips lingered on her earlobe before releasing a damp kiss against her skin. "We love each other, we want children, we can give them a good life… why postpone it? Or is it that you don't want the same as I do?"
Maybe she was understanding it wrong, because for a moment she felt he wanted to manipulate her. No, he wouldn't do that to her, she was misinterpreting him.
"…Tom Ksaver, representative of the Marleyan Vision group, defended the project by arguing economic benefits, but the opposition insists it will only favor foreign interests…"
"I do want it," she said, her eyes fixed on the spot where she had been sitting. "Mmh… I just… I need you to prove to me that you're really going to change. Not just today or next week… you know exactly what I expect, and only then will I stop protecting myself."
"I promise I'll do things right."
"And no lies." She kept repeating it to him.
"I won't." What happened at the hotel would be the last secret he carried to the grave, shadows buried as he clung to the promise of happiness he saw beside her. "Let's get away this weekend… far from everything," he said suddenly, shifting the subject, nibbling gently on her earlobe. "By Friday, I'll have everything ready."
"Eren," she scolded him with an inevitable smile. To go from talking about a child to suggesting a trip… he was acting strange today, she thought just as the phone rang on the couch. She ignored it, preferring to stay in his arms, listening to the news in the background, until the broadcast was abruptly interrupted.
"We interrupt the regular programming for breaking news." The anchor's voice took on a serious tone. "We have an exclusive scoop about Senator Eren Yeager. In the last few minutes, compromising photos of the country's youngest politician have leaked online…"
What? Before her mind could process something even more terrifying, she remembered that day they had been together, hidden behind his building, and all those other times they made love in places where anyone could have photographed them naked. However, the woman who appeared on screen wasn't her.
Mikasa felt her heart shatter into a thousand pieces.
"…In the images, the senator can be seen in an intimate situation with an unidentified woman, with evidence of substance use in the room."
Her lips began to tremble when the first photographs appeared, where it was impossible not to recognize that deep scar on Eren's chest, the same one she had kissed a thousand times.
"What is this?" a hollow voice asked behind her, strange, as if it already knew the answer it didn't want to say.
The television screen showed a black-haired woman on top of him, and those same hands that were holding her now appeared gripping the stranger's hips tightly. Then, a selfie, the woman smiling, with cruel finger marks on her neck, red lipstick smeared across her face, and in the background Eren lay asleep.
"No- no I didn't…" the word slipped from his lips like a strangled moan, making her turn to him, too abrupt. "I don't know. I don't know what-."
"Tell me it isn't you," Mikasa cut him off, her eyes bloodshot and wide open, yet not shedding a single tear. "Please, tell me it isn't you."
Her heart and soul resisted accepting the truth. Desperate, she clung to the illusion that it was all a lie, that the guilt-ridden man wouldn't destroy her.
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Tell me it isn't you.
"... It is believed the woman in question shared the photographs with a friend, who then posted them on social media, making them go viral within minutes."
"Answer me!" she screamed, pounding his chest, terrified by the silence that said everything. He had betrayed her. Mikasa immediately stepped back as tears began sliding down her cheeks. "You… you…"
"My love, I-. I don't know what happened…" Eren shook his head desperately, trying to reach her. "I don't remember anything from that night. My mind is blank…"
Hearing him lie so easily was even more disappointing than seeing the images. Mikasa's legs nearly gave way as if they were made of paper, her hands began trembling uncontrollably, and a wave of nausea rose from her stomach to her throat, threatening to choke her.
"I would never cheat on you, never!" Eren shouted, reaching his hands toward her, while Mikasa kept pushing him away again and again. "There's only you in my life… but I don't know what those photos are, I don't remember anything from that night." He clawed at his hair, tugging with powerless rage. "I know I failed by hiding the truth from you, I understand why you don't trust me… but I didn't want to lose you, my love." His voice broke and tears began to fall. "I lied out of fear! Because I'd rather lie than imagine my life without you!"
Mikasa pressed both hands to her chest, as if a knife pierced her heart while accepting the obvious. How many times hadn't she done the same? "Yesterday was our anniversary," she whispered in a broken voice, chest heaving, while the man who already felt like a stranger cupped her face in his hands. "How could you? How?"
She didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry while Eren pretended to be the victim, crying and lying to her face. And yet there she was, shattered, trembling in pain, with a deafening ringing in her ears.
"I wouldn't do it, you know that… I could never betray you."
This time, she saw his lips move, shaking his head, but no words reached her. The ringing in her ears consumed every sound, leaving only the hollow ache in her chest. Her world; the life they had built together over seven years, crumbled through her fingers like dry sand. How many times had he toyed with her heart? How many nights had he lain with others while swearing love to her eyes? Each memory now felt like a lie carved into her soul.
Then Zeke's words echoed in her mind like a prophecy: "Mikasa, there are truths that not even love can excuse. And when the moment comes, because it will come, he'll break you so completely you won't know how to be yourself again. He's done it before… He'll do it again. And the worst part is, he'll lie to your face while he does it."
Her strength left her, and she crumpled to the cold floor, unable to stay on her feet. The television kept cycling through the images, each one more devastating than the last. But, from the very first picture, there had been no doubt, no space for denial. Every photo confirmed the cruel truth: he had betrayed her in the most heartless way imaginable.
"Please, believe me. I don't remember anything. I'd never do this to you consciously. Never!" Eren dropped to his knees before her, framing her face with his hands and kissing her cheeks until his tears mixed with hers. "There has to be an explanation, love… they manipulated me, drugged me, something was done to me…"
She felt like the most foolish woman in the world for believing he loved her with the same intensity she loved him, for trusting his empty promises again, for thinking he would never betray her. And, as if it weren't enough, she remembered the moment he swore on her mother's memory… her sobs grew even more heart-wrenching.
Suddenly all those hours waiting for him made sense, the long afternoons alone with excuses of work, the need to keep them secret, the distance that very day. And the most twisted part was that he had chosen their anniversary, their damn anniversary. What kind of person did that? Why trample on her after everything she had endured for him? And on top of it, not only was he lying, he'd had the nerve to ask her for a child, a child.
"Babe, listen to me, please… let me explain…" he begged and Mikasa looked at him with her heart torn apart, convinced that his pleas were nothing but another way to manipulate her.
"Are you going to explain how you fucked her?" she spat through sobs, while Eren shook his head, unable to find words, nothing beyond repeating that he remembered nothing. He couldn't even beg forgiveness, because the images showed him as if he had enjoyed touching another. "Tell me, did you like it so much you even forgot our anniversary?"
Gods, how it hurt to scream at him and see his face full of pain… when she was the one who should be like that.
"Believe me please, I don't remember what happened."
Mikasa was hyperventilating, her stomach churning, her chest burning, and the urge to vomit grew worse with each second. She knew she needed to escape him, to escape that feeling of dying inside, bleeding out with every lie. So, with trembling legs, she rose on her own.
"I have to go," she murmured softly just before Eren blocked her path, seizing her arms.
"We can fix this," he pleaded, "We can…"
"There's nothing to fix, Eren," she sobbed, walking past him, ignoring the plea in his eyes as he stood frozen like stone. She didn't take her things; no coat, no phone, not even shoes; she walked straight out the front of the house.
The cold of the night greeted her, but she barely felt it, because the real cold was inside, in that hollow he had carved into her chest. Barefoot, she sank her feet into the damp grass, trembling, too weak to run or to scream. She could only cry, shattered, aware that the man to whom she had given everything had just destroyed her.
"Mikasa!" Eren's voice chased her from behind. "Wait!" His hands caught her by the shoulders. "I can't lose you, my love. You know that."
Their broken eyes met when, suddenly, the unmistakable sound of a camera echoed in the distance. There was a click, followed by several blinding flashes. Reflexively, she tried to turn towards the bushes surrounding the property where the lights were coming from, but before she could, Eren’s arms wrapped around her, covering her face with his own.
But, that very day, the world would see what they had kept hidden for years.
"The secret romance between Senator Yeager and Mikasa, daughter of former President Ackerman, has just erupted in scandal. The leak of the senator's intimate images has shattered the relationship, which, according to close sources, had been kept hidden for more than five years…"