Chapter Text
You never notice how messed up something is until you take a step back.
Like a frog in boiling water, you don’t get how bad a habit is until it’s too late. It has a way of pulling you down, deeper and deeper. It convinces you that’s survival, that it’s looking out for you. That it cares about you.
The hardest part about getting better isn’t the routines or the workouts Miguel was making her do. It was not listening to the voice in her head telling her that everything was crumbling around her.
She was smart enough to know that her issues had built walls around her, trapping her in a cage. But how can you break out of that cage, when that's what you’ve called home your entire life?
Everytime she felt like she made a dent in the walls, that voice would come and reconstruct it better and stronger. It didn’t feel like getting better, it felt like Miguel was breaking her down and reconstructing her from the ground up.
The worst part was, that wasn’t the only issue that got acknowledged. When Miguel sat her down and actually began to sort through the mess, she realised that her issues were woven like an intricate thread. Like her own personal fucked up spiderweb that held guilt and fury in her joints, regret in her lungs and fear in her heart.
It had been a few weeks since Miguel had that talk with her. He had promised to help her be a better person and Maria was almost amused at how seriously he took it.
“Physical exhaustion is an excellent way of getting out the unnecessary energy anger builds up.” he explained holding two pillows in each hand as makeshift pads. Her grunts echoed through the cell walls as he continued “Anger is a guiding force for justice, but raw power is like any precious material. Unless they are harvested and used strategically, they are of no use to anyone. Raw ore must be smelted and refined before you can build with it.”
She continued punching, her form still wonky but on the right track. Miguel gave her two options whenever she felt out of control over herself; either talk to him about her feelings, or choose any physical activity to transfer that anger to. Currently, she was feeling the need to punch it out of her system.
Miguel had awoken to her pacing the cell in the middle of the night. He had assumed she had been triggered in some way. He had wordlessly gotten into the correct stance. Maria looked at him gratefully before she began punching.
“It’s been twenty minutes. How are you feeling?” he inquired gently.
Taking a step back, she sighed as she sat on his bunk. “Better, thank you. I’m sorry for waking you up Miguel.” she mumbled with exhaustion and relief.
“Nonesense. I felt you tossing all night. I knew it was a matter of time anyway…” he smiled as he sat down beside her. He dropped the pillows on the bed. Maria noticed a small wad of cash escape the pillow case and land on the floor.
“What’s this..?” she asked curiously as she held it up counting about 30 dollars in one dollar notes.
Miguel’s form froze as he saw the small wad of cash. She was not supposed to know about this.
“It…It’s nothing kid. Give it back.” he spoke calmly although she could sense the small bit of tension in his tone.
“How do you even have this much? What are you planning to do?” she asked tentatively, clutching the money in her hand. “You never buy anything from the commissary.”
Miguel clenched his jaw and held out his hand. “Please kid. Return the money.” he spoke coldly.
She was taken aback by his cold tone, especially since Miguel never talked to her this way.
Maria's eyes lowered to the crumpled notes in her palms, the thin rubber band wrapped around them several times as though they had been there for a long time. Like someone had carefully counted the money over and over before securing it again.
She didn’t understand his reaction or the purpose behind this cash. But she slowly put the notes in his large palm, looking up at him as he quickly shoved it inside his pillowcase again.
“Are you planning on buying cigarettes? You know that’s not good for you right?” she stated crossing her arms.
His lip twitched as he turned to look at her overly serious expression, looking quite cute and charming for someone trying to lecture him.
“I’m not about to buy cigs kid..” he sighed with a hint of fondness. “It’s..for a call.”
Her face morphed into a bewildered expression. She had never seen him contact anyone. There were no letters for him that came from the orbital post. Hell, he never even mentioned wanting to get in contact with someone.
Maria remained seated on his bunk, looking very confused. As Miguel sighed again, she chose not to speak and let Miguel explain.
Silence stretched in the cell as Miguel fidgeted with his fingers, trying to decide how much he should reveal.
“I…I’ve been saving up. Trading and..doing jobs for a a while. Since before you transferred here actually.” he spoke absent-mindedly, smoothing out the notes in his hand.
“..Why? Who do you want to call..?”
The notes were clutched in his hands as he mumbled “....my…my mother.”
Stunned silence stretched through the cell.
A beat.
Another.
His mother?
The thought startled her. Maria had never pictured Miguel, her anchor in the chaos, as someone with a family.
Isn’t that how it happens? You grow so used to leaning on someone that you forget they might lean, too.
To her, Miguel was immovable.
He was the unshaken pillar in a place where everything else crumbled. She had needed him before: when the girl accused her of theft, when the man promised her a place in his gang. In both moments, relief had surged through her the instant his hand settled on her shoulder, steady and sure.
She knew the shape of her own need for him.
She had never imagined he might carry one just like it.
Miguel eyes hesitantly looked up from the cash in his hand to see her stunned face.
“Your mom..?” she inquired softly.
“Y ... .yes,” he answered, unsure and quiet.
Maria’s heart ached at his tone. The strong stable person she knew him to be was reduced to this anxious unsure version so quickly.
“Okay. That’s okay. If you don’t mind me asking…why?” she asked softly, scooting closer to him.
Her calm reaction and empathy tugged at his heartstrings, not only because she cared, but also because of her progress from the closed off girl he had met. Her understanding lessened his worry and he finally faced her fully.
“I want to know how she is. If she’s even there…it’s been a long time since I last saw her.” he revealed, twirling a loose thread on his pants between his fingers.
“You never talk much about your family.” she asked. Leaning back against the wall. “Who were they?”
“My family, they…I had my mother, father, my younger brother Gabriel and me. ”
“You have a younger brother?” she questioned in wonder and amusement. “I didn’t know you were the oldest sibling. It makes sense for you actually.”
She made his lips twitch for the second time now.
“Yeah. I had a younger brother. Pain in the ass.” he mumbled quietly, with a hint of fondness in his voice.
“I..how much do you have saved up?” she inquired softly.
“Almost enough. I need 10 more dollars.” he mumbled, turning over the money in his hand.
It was then that Maria got up from the bunk and climbed up to her own bunk. Miguel sat there confused and inquisitive as Maria pulled out a used soda can. She shook the can, and the cell filled with a soft metallic clinging, as a few pennies fell out.
“Here..” she mumbled, holding out 3 dollars in pennies and dimes. She dumped the handful of pennies and dimes in his lap, as Miguel sat there shocked and frozen.
“What are you doing..?” he whispered, trying to give the coins back.
“I’m trying to help you.” she mumbled simply, a little shy. “Keep them please.”
“You’re kind, kid, but I can’t accept this. It’s your money. Where did you get this anyway?” Miguel scolded gently, pushing the coins in the middle of the bunk.
“I found them in the water fountain. And some I earned from doing stuff. Like saving 2 chocolate milks for Ernie while he was having a chat with some guy.”
“Ernie?” He said, narrowing his eyes. “Maria, that's not safe. I told you to not do stuff for random people. What if they try to use-” he ranted, but Maria was quick to shush him.
“Yeah yeah I know. But what you do is a lot worse. Now just accept it. You and me both know I'm gonna make you take it anyway.
Silence filled the room as Miguel sat there conflicted. Maria gently pushed the coins towards him again.
“Hey…please? You’re helping me right..? Let me do something for you too. You deserve help too.” she tried in her most innocent voice hoping he would be convinced.
She watched him sigh and look down at her. “I…” he began again, unsure.
“Please.” She pleaded.
Miguel knew if it was any other person here, they would probably try to throw this in his face later. But it was her. So he reluctantly agreed.
“I’m paying you back.” He argued as he took the money. “Every cent of it.”
But when Maria climbed her bunk again, she heard the softest thank you echo from the lower bunk.
They both fell asleep with her heart full and warm.