Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Evan haphazardly typed away on his laptop, again. The usual.

He was so.. engrossed in it, for once, that he didn’t hear his mother come in until he heard her voice. “Have you been writing those letters to yourself?”

Evan looked up, almost annoyed he was interrupted.. he wasn’t. He couldn’t really be annoyed at his mother. “..i started one.” He mumbled, before looking away again. Heidi looked at his laptop from over his shoulder. “..These letters ARE important, you know, they’re gonna help you build your confidence!”

She seemed.. enthusiastic. Wow, Evan wished he was still like that.

He nodded in agreement, going silent again apart from a quiet and muttered “I guess,” after his mother’s earlier statement. They sat in (un)comfortable silence for a bit. Again. Like normal.

This was getting tiring.

Eventually his mother spoke up again. “Can we try to have an optimistic outlook, huh? The world won’t fall apart, Ev! Maybe, since it’s your senior year, we decide to not give up before we’ve tried, and this year we make a new start! Hey, maybe you could get other kids to sign your cast. Jared might, right?”

Evan was silent, per usual, until he sighed and responded. “..Perfect.”

He knew damn well Jared wasn’t going to sign his cast- for god’s sake, nobody would.

Heidi pat him on the shoulder and pinched his cheeks, before leaving him to get ready.

Evan hated to say it, but he was glad.

He was at another breaking point, and he couldn’t let his mother see that. He was basically all she had left.

He shoved his laptop in his bag, and got ready, seeing his mother had likely already left for work. He huffed. The usual. The door was already unlocked, and the car was gone in the driveway when he looked through the window, so, that just proved his point… and he had to walk. He let out a sigh of- most likely- pure fear, and fidgeted with the end of his shirt before walking out the door, and started making his way to school.

…Maybe this year he could make a new start.

Was it likely?

… No.

Chapter Text

Connor was pissed off. Okay, yeah, he was almost always pissed off, but he was more pissed off than usual, that was for sure.

  “It’s your senior year, Connor, you are NOT missing the first day!” His mother yelled, and he rolled his eyes. “I have like, the rest of the year, though-“

He was interrupted by his father’s voice, “Connor, listen to your mother.”

Yeah, as if she ever listened to him. It took both his mother and his father atleast a good year to accept he’s trans, and that he’s NOT delusional! That’s one thing Zoe’s good at, accepting him..

Until he heard his dad’s voice. Again. This annoying pr-

“He’s probably high!”

Then Zoe’s extremely tired voice, “He’s definitely high.”

Actually, he wasn’t, for once, so that’s something Zoe WAS bad at.

”Fuck you!”

”Fuck YOU!”

He stormed off to his room to get his things, and took his sweet ol’ time stealing his mother’s eyeliner and redoing his nailpolish.

He barely had time to grab his bag until he heard Zoe shout, “IF CONNOR’S NOT READY IM LEAVING WITHOUT HIM!”

  If he wasn’t already pissed off…

That definitely pissed him off even more.

His eyes widened in either shock, annoyance or disbelief, and he grabbed his bag and a water bottle, that he constantly forgot to put in his bag, before shoving past his mother and rushing to Zoe. “ZOE!” He yelled, and she turned around, rolling her eyes. “Took you long enough.”

He scoffed, getting in the passenger seat and watched as Zoe got in the drivers seat next to him after putting their bags in the boot. Or, her’s, anyway, for some reason Connor refused to let anyone touch his bag.

They were completely silent in the car. Then they pulled up to school, and Connor rolled his eyes. Great. Another day at this shit hole- fighting the urge to strike a match and set this dump ablaze.

Chapter Text

Evan was walking through the halls, trying to get to his locker, and admittedly, do more than survive. He was cut off by Alana Beck, who seemed to have gone to him after talking to Jared Kleinman and Zoe Murphy.

He wasn’t even listening to what she was saying, until she caught his attention.

“Oh my god, what happened to your arm!?” She gasped, and he tensed up before he stammered and tried to come up with a response. “Oh- Oh I broke it, I just- was climbing a tree, and-“

He was annoyed when he was interrupted, until he listened.. closer to what she was saying. 

“Oh, really? My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. THAT was the beginning of the end, the doctors said, because then, she died.”

…Sorry? What the fuck?

He had to hold back and restrain himself from saying that, even if he was definitely thinking it. ‘She just… says that so calmly?..’ Evan thought to himself. He just stared in shock and horror as she walked odd with a cheerful, “Happy first day!”

 He looked over at her as she raced off, and was about to continue making his way to his locker, until he was AGAIN cut off. Jesus Christ, this was getting annoying, even for him, who felt so … invisible, half the time.  

This time it was Jared Kleinman, BACK with the sex and masturbation jokes! “Is it weird to be the first person in history to break your arm after jerking off too much?”

That was unexpected. Evan stammered, again.  A habit. “NoNoNONONONO! Stop, I didn’t- I WASN’T DOING THAT!”

”Let me imagine the picture, you’re in your bedroom on Zoe Murphy’s instagram, and-“

”Wrong Murphy- I mean, No! Shh, that’s not what happened! Obviously.. I was climbing a tree, and I fell.”

Jared and Evan had a solid one minute staring contest after that ‘wrong Murphy’ comment, then Jared burst out laughing. “You FELL OUT OF A TREE!? You’re essentially an acorn!” He giggled, pulling the taller male into a side hug.

Evan shrugged, but was shocked at the affection.

He didn’t even think he himself knew what a hug was, nevermind Jared- that’s just mean, actually…

“I don’t know if you know this, but actually, I worked as an apprentice park ranger this summer, at … Ellison state park. I’m sorta a.. tree expert now. I mean, not to brag- but… So I tried to climb this 40 foot tall oak tree, and-“ 

“And you fell.”

”Well actually it’s a funny story though! Because, there’s a solid ten minutes after I fell I just… laid there. Waiting for someone to come get me. Yeah, nobody came that’s the funny thing!…”

”Jesus Christ…”

”Anyway, what did you do.. I mean-“

”Well, my ASS dominated in capture the flag, and i got the second base below the-“

” NO, Jay, thank you..-“

Jared shrugged and chuckled, until he spot Connor in the distance. “Hey connor! Loving the new.. hair length.. it’s very ‘school-shooter chic’…” He tried to backtrack when Connor didn’t laugh. ”I was just …kidding, con-… A joke.”

Connor shrugged, clearly pissed off and about to snap. “Yeah, no, it’s funny, im laughing, can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you, Jared!?”

Jared awkwardly chuckled, before dashing off. “Holy shit holy fuck-“

Evan laughed at Jared dashing off, until he heard a voice. 

“What the fuck are you laughing at?”

”..What?”

”Stop FUCKING laughing at me!”

Evan was.. genuinely terrified. Connor hadn’t been like this to him, Jared, or even Alana in ages. They thought he got better?..

”No, im not-“

”You think im a freak? I’m not the freak, YOU’RE the fucking freak!-“ Connor wasn’t thinking, and he barged past Evan and shoved him onto the ground before running off.

Evan was shocked. THIS?! THIS, BEHAVIOUR… he already felt the anxiety spiking, and he knew damn well he had to calm down. Okay… this, this behaviour. From people he trusted. What the hell?…. Alana wont let him talk, Jared’s being an utter c..- no, that’s mean and he shouldn’t say that- Jared’s being a jerk, and Connor just… did that?! And don’t get started on where Zoe was! 

He got up, with a bit- no, a lot of effort- and stormed out of the school to the park. If a tree wouldn’t work, something else would. 

Something else had to work. Something else would work, and he still had those meds in his bag.

It'd work, right?

Not like anybody would miss… him. He was practically invisible, and he didnt realise that he had accidentally taken one of Connor’s own letters thinking it was his.

A letter addressed,

’Dear Connor Murphy,’

Chapter Text

Connor was sat on his bed, smoking a blunt.

He was, admittedly, more anxious than usual; after all, he hadn’t seen Evan for ages after a recent… misunderstanding —

He didn’t want to call it an argument, because it wasn’t. He was the only one in the wrong, really...

He was listening in closely to his sister in her room, and was honestly worried about her too. He was worried about a lot of people recently. Would he ever admit it? Fuck no.

He put the blunt out, and laid back on his bed; until he got a call. He was HOPING it was Evan; he hadn’t been in for ages, and now he was getting concerned. He looked at the screen… it was actually a group call. Odd.

He answered, and was IMMEDIATELY met with Alana’s voice. “Can you get Zoe?..”

That was even weirder. What the fuck. He shrugged, and called out to Zoe…

And was ignored.

He scoffed, put the mic on mute and walked out of his room, going to Zoe’s and banging on the door. “ZOE! Alana needs us for some fucking reason!”

Zoe was in her room listening to music and humming along, but jumped when she heard the shout. “What the fuck, Connor!? Jesus, fine, im coming!”

”Good!” He hissed back, before going back to his room and unmuting. “She’s coming, but why the fuck do you need all of us in one call?”

There was an awkward pause, which was interrupted by Jared’s (unusually) shaky voice. “We’ll.. tell you in a minute.”

Connor rolled his eyes. Wow, ominous. He laid back on his bed, but sat back up when Zoe finally walked in. He smirked. “Took you long enough.”

Zoe huffed, and the bed dipped as she sat next to her brother. “That’s my line.”

Alana spoke up again. “…It’s not really the time for jokes.”

Zoe and Connor both shared a look of concern, and they looked over at the phone. Zoe tilted her head, which Connor nearly laughed at, one, because she looked like a lost puppy, and two, because Alana and Jared couldn’t fucking see them. It’s a phone call for fuck’s sake… which, yeah, you could have video calls, but this wasn’t one. 

“…Why?” Zoe asked, and Connor grabbed a water bottle next to his bed and took a sip. He heard Jared speak next.. and what he heard was genuinely extremely unexpected.

”Sorry, im gonna get to the point, Evan’s dead.”

Zoe almost choked on air, and Connor’s heart dropped. Evan? Like, Evan Hansen. That Evan. The Evan he shoved yesterday. The Evan he actually cared about. Dead? That’s some joke. He let out a small laugh of shock and horror. “..Funny joke, Jared.”

Alana winced, clearly on the verge of tears. “..It’s not a joke.”

Connor paused. It’s.. not a joke? And Alana wouldn’t lie about that. He looked at his sister, who was now on the verge of tears. He couldn’t blame her, and his own voice was shaky when he spoke again. “..How? How- when? Why?”

Zoe was in utter silence. Again, couldn’t blame her.

Jared took in a shaky breath. “..You see, we have no idea exactly how, but his mom said.. uh.. suicide.”

Zoe shakily gasped. Connor’s eyes widened. Zoe spoke, also on the absolute verge of tears. ”Suicide?.. I thought he was in- I thought he was in therapy?”

Connor shrugged, wiping at his eyes. He was NOT crying in front of his younger sister. “He was, that’s the thing. Doesn’t always fix everything, I’d know.”

Zoe crossed her arms and actually leaned on her older brother. Connor was shocked, and didn’t do much apart from awkwardly pat her head. He didn’t know what else to do. 

Alana responded from the other side of the phone, “..He was!.. It’s tragic, really! I mean, we have to do something.. And there’s something you should probably know, Connor.”

Connor was still in disbelief, one that EVAN WAS FUCKING DEAD, and two, Zoe was actually using him as comfort. “..What is it now, Alana?”

Jared replied, pretty bluntly on the other side, but it didn’t exactly seem to hide how upset he was. “His letter had your name on it. Is it actually his letter, or is it yours?”

THAT was shocking. He appreciated how blunt he was, but that explained why his letter was missing. But… it still could be Evan’s. He shrugged, and fought back against the tears threatening to fall, “..You see, i have no fucking clue.”

Jared scoffed. “…great… do you guys wanna meet at the orchard.. or something. To like, talk about it in person.”

Zoe and Connor shared a look, before they nodded in surprising unison and Zoe got up to go get ready. He nodded. “We’ll be there in 20.”

With that, he hung up.

And actually hugged Zoe. For once.

You know, he never expected one of the reasons why he finally hugged her would be because someone they cared about was… dead. But here they are.

He ruffled her hair and she weakly smiled, even with tears running down her face. “I’ll be at the car in 5 minutes, go be.. a psychopath or something.”

Connor had to hold back a mix of a sob and a chuckle. “Evan died, and you’re joking about me being a psychopath. Lovely.”

Maybe this year HE could make a new start.

Get better.

Get.. therapy or something.

Its what Evan would have wanted, 

right?

Its certainly what the others would want, especially after…

well.

This.

When Zoe left, he immediately broke down. I mean, could anyone blame him?

He grabbed his bag and didn’t bother to reapply the eyeliner. He’d just end up crying with the others later anyway. Maybe end up passing out from pure exhaustion. He wouldn’t be surprised, and he couldn’t care less anymore. He didn’t have many people left. He lost both Evan and Miguel. Sure, Miguel wasn’t dead, but they barely saw each other anymore. Sure, he wasn’t the best friend to Evan. To anyone, really. Sometimes he wondered how they considered him a friend… but that’s not the point. The point? He couldn’t lose anyone else. Even if he pushed them away. And he couldn’t let them lose him. 

He had to get better.

If not for Evan?

Jared.

He had to get better for Jared.

Chapter Text

The drive to the orchard was.. stressful. And quiet.

REALLY quiet.

He’d admit- normally there was either playful banter or a full-blown argument. Sometimes silence, but not too often…

Actually, it was mostly silence. Fuck that earlier bit.

But this time.. was different. It wasn’t because they were.. mad at each other, or simply didn’t know what to say to each other- Well, yes, they didn’t know what to say, but.. it wasn’t for a normal reason. After all, Evan was… dead. Connor was still in shock, and didn’t know how Zoe could drive with how teary and blurry her eyes must’ve been.

He was actually looking out the window, just waiting to arrive… until he heard a small ‘ding!’ on his phone and he looked down. 

kinkybitch : are you almost heere dude

deadboywalking : ??? how the fuck do i know

kinkybitch : oh i DONT KNOW BECAUSE THERES A FUCKING WINDOW AND GOOGLE MAPS

deadboywalking : fucking kill yourself.

deadboywalking :,,, maybe don’t do that

kinkybitch : wrong time asshole

Connor looked at his phone and groaned. Did he seriously just tell Jared to kill himself? Especially after that phone call and why they were going to the orchard? He knew he was a dick, yeah, but he didn’t know he was this much of a dick… And now he just felt bad. He looked at Zoe, who was still focused on the road. He then glanced back down and went onto Google, searching for some dumbass cat photo that said “im sorry”

deadboywalking : dumbcatsayingsorry.png

kinkybitch :??? WHAT THE FUCK 😭😭😭😭😭

deadboywalking : fuck you im doing my best 

kinkybitch : i knowi kniw calm yoirmass down

deadboywalking : the typos are gonna make me cry. fucking dumbass p

Connor had to admit, this guy could be cute when he’s not being an absolute dick.

He did not just think JARED FUCKING KLEINMAN. was CUTE.

God, he’s such a loser, and-

Oh god, he’s a raging bisexual.

Just-.. of course he had to figure this out AFTER Evan died.

He was pulled out of his thoughts and his gay panic  when Zoe nudged him and motioned outside. They were finally at the orchard, after an awfully tense and quiet atmosphere in the car. He exhaled shakily, before grabbing his bag and getting out the car, waiting for Zoe to get out as well before he made his way into the orchard. He walked through the orchard with his sister for a bit, until he saw Jared and Alana waiting for them. Despite the reason he was here, he glanced at Zoe and Alana after seeing that Jared had his back to him.. and suddenly hugged him from behind. Jared jumped, and tensed, speaking in a hushed tone.

“What is this.”

”Comfort and affection.”

”Disgusting… don’t stop.”

Connor had to stifle a laugh, and let go of him as he and Zoe sat with Alana and Jared. 

In complete and utter silence. God fucking damnit, what is it with people and awkward silences?!

Eventually, Alana spoke up.. awfully optimistic, and leaning on Zoe. “We have to do something! Like, a thing to raise awareness and help prevent… you know. Right!? Like.. The Evan Project!”

The other three shared a look, and Zoe awkwardly pat her head as Jared spoke, raising an eyebrow and crossing his arms. “You’re awfully optimistic.”

Zoe immediately glared at him. “There’s gonna be a Jared Project to help prevent and raise awareness about MURDER in a minute, and I’ll be there on the blog like ‘such a great son and wonderful friend’ knowing damn well I did it.”

NOW THAT WAS FUNNY.

Well, to Connor anyway. He immediately burst out laughing, and when he saw Jared awkwardly nod, do finger guns and scoot away from Zoe he just laughed even harder.

Which resulted in him being tackled by Jared. Which, he didn’t really care, Jared’s 5’8 and extremely light, and he’s 6’0 and surprisingly strong despite his frame. He huffed and just… accepted his fate. And now Alana and Zoe were laughing… for fuck’s sake, he really should’ve realised he was bi earlier.

Eventually, Jared and Connor decided to go to À La Mode to go get all four of them something. Connor wanted to drive, but Jared immediately shut down the situation.. which he couldn’t blame him, last time he drove he drove into a tree and lost his license. He drove into it on purpose.

His mom wasn’t happy.

Nevertheless, he let Jared drive. Despite the shorter male stating that he needs Evan for car insurance.. well, that was BEFORE Evan died. And he knew that wasn’t completely true, he definitely liked Evan… platonically… or romantically, he genuinely couldn’t tell. They were both silent in the car for a while, until Jared spoke- 

“What do you want?”

Connor shrugged, and simply climbed over him to order himself. Yeah, Jared was definitely somewhat annoyed, but he couldn’t do much. Eventually when he was done ordering, he yanked him back down into the passenger seat. “Connor, as much as I love your ass-“

Wait, what?

”-I don’t want your ass climbing over me to order.”

Connor smirked, about to light a blunt until Jared slapped it away from him. He huffed and crossed his arms, before getting an extremely smug look on his face and he looked over at Jared as he was paying at the first window. 

“You love this ass in what way?”

Jared IMMEDIATELY spluttered, his face red. “CONNOR FUCKING MURPHY! You kinky bitch.”

Connor stifled a laugh initially, until he gave in and started laughing so hard it was concerning. “Your face is so red, Kleinman-“

”Dear god, shut up! Oh my god-“ Jared chuckled, pulling up to the second window and grabbing the icecream. “Hold these for me?“

Connor rolled his eyes, but took the icecream anyway. He still really wanted that blunt… but he had to get better. 

When they got back to the orchard and started looking for the two girls, the banter didn’t exactly stop. Finally, they saw Zoe and Alana and Connor almost choked on air, before chuckling. “Are we seeing the same thing here?”

Jared nodded, and bonked Connor on the head. “Yeah, you mean those two asleep and practically cuddling? Everytime your sister says she isn’t gay, I doubt it more everyday.”

Connor shrugged. “I’ve doubted it since day one. Watch her come out, and be absolutely shocked when we don’t even bat an eye.”

Jared laughed, before realising. “What day is it, actually?”

”..10th of September, why?”

Jared smirked. “I just wanted to make sure you knew.”

Connor looked appalled, and in disbelief. “Why wouldn’t I know- the fuck!?”

Jared gently ruffled him on the head. “Don’t know, you’re constantly high..” At that, Connor rolled his eyes and placed the icecream next to Zoe’s sleeping figure. Jared looked confused when Connor walked backwards for a minute, until he suddenly saw Connor race towards the tallest tree in the distance. Eventually, from far across a yellow field, he turned back around and called after him; “Follow me!”

Jared was shocked, but obliged anyway and chased after him.. until he saw what he was doing. “Connor, get out of the tree!”

Connor looked genuinely confused, and tilted his head like a lost puppy. “..Why? But-“

”Evan used.. to do this all the time.”

Connor paused for a second, but immediately got down when he registered his words and looked as guilty as ever. “..right-“ He was cut off when Jared actually pulled him into a hug. He actually hugged him. He awkwardly hugged back, not sure what to do.

”Youre a fucking idiot, Connor..” Jared muttered, and Connor shrugged. “I know.”

Chapter Text

alana has added evan and 3 others to the group

alana has changed their contact name to alanabeck

zoe has changed their contact name to everyonesfavestar 

connor has changed their contact name to deadboywalking

jared has changed their contact name to kinkybitch

kinkybitch has changed their contact name to lovthecronch

alanabeck has changed the group name to the evan project

lovthecronch : alana, there is a dead guy in the groupchat.

alanabeck : Holy shit. 

alanabeck has removed evan from the groupchat

deadboywalking : ALANA CAN SWEAR

everyonesfavestar : WHAT

lovthecronch : WHAT ( lin manuel miranda style ) 

alanabeck : Why are we shocked??

everyonesfavestar : because it’s you, babe

deadboywalking : babe? babe???

deadboywalking : ZOE UNLOCK THE DOOR WE ARE HAVING A TALK 

everyonesfavestar : BUTSHES NICE YOU KNOW HER

deadboywalking : alana if you don’t take good care of my sister you’re SO FUCKING DEAD who the fuck is at my door my parents are yelling at me to answer it and it pmo 

lovthecronch : zoe said I could ( and should ) come?…

Connor was shocked, but quickly heeded to his parent’s calls and ran down to open the door, being met with…

Jared.

He paused, but sighed and led him to his room, before closing and locking the door- 

“Why are you locking it, murphy?~”

”Why are you horny at 6am.”

” You aren’t?”

Jared faked being shocked, before rolling his eyes and pulling him into the bed, cuddling with him,,, an unusual sight. Connor raised an eyebrow, until Jared spoke.

“I had a nightmare that you died too. I couldn’t deal with that, so I snuck out and came here..”

Connor sighed, pulling the shorter male into a tight hug and tucked Jared’s head under his chin. “That’s why you look like a mess..”

Jared huffed, but cuddled closer anyway and wrapped his arms around him. “Rude. Anyway, im taking a nap here now. Like, in your arms. Deal with it, bitch.” He mumbled, clearly sleepy, but his hands wandered up under Connor’s shirt and came to an abrupt pause when he felt the binder under. “…Connor. If you’re gonna sleep with me- NOT LIKE THAT!.. If you’re going to nap with me, you gotta take that off..”

Connor tensed up, clearly hesitant to oblige.

Jared hummed, gently head butting him. “I’ll look away?” 

Connor was still pretty reluctant, but quickly took it off and pulled Jared closer once more. “..,Id gladly sleep with you.”

”What?”

”What?”

”..Go to sleep, dumbass jerk.” Jared softly giggled, and Connor hummed. “Mhhh… whatever, but I have a question.”

The shorter male looked up and tilted his head. “What, murphy-“

Connor not-so-quickly pressed his lips to Jared’s forehead. “..Listen, I know im not the greatest at… anything people wise, but… would you, like, want to be my boyfriend?..”

Jared could feel his heart racing. “…You know what? Yes, yes I would, you emo shit.”

Chapter Text

hey gang!! Idk WHAT to write for this atm so,,  uhh,,, deh AND bmc requests are open !, go check out the request thing it has info on what I will and won’t write!! 
and check out my other fics they’re cool!! next chapter will be normal 

 austin OUT - 🌙