Chapter Text
Late June, 1900
The maid brings up a small stack of letters from the postman. One of them is for Rhaenyra, and she takes it to her. Rhaenyra sits in her bed as she pulls the envelope open, and the letter out from it.
Dear Rhaenyra,
I was ever so pleased to receive your letter, though from the date attached to it, I can see it took some time to get to me. I am glad it did, nonetheless, and I hope my letter finds you soon, and I hope that it finds you well.
It was so very kind of you to ask after my daughter. Melicent is nearing two now, which feels so strange. I do not remember Jacaerys growing as quickly as this. Though I’m sure it felt that way for you, I struggle to accept the fact that he is fourteen now. Orland sends his regards, he is rather happy at the moment as he’s gotten a promotion at his work. He is a factory foreman now, and I am glad too, as it comes with a hefty salary increase. In his celebrations, he has been making good use of those old golf clubs you gave us before you left. Thank you again for those, ever so kind of you.
In the envelope you may see a small ribbon. I found it amongst the things you gave us. Do you remember when we used to tie it around Syrax’s head into a bow? The look on her face was worth a thousand scratches.
I miss you and Jacaerys so deeply. I pray everyday that you are both well. Will you write me again? It would make me so happy if you did. This time you tell me of the weather, if it still fogs up like it used to, and how you and your boy are. If you’d like, you can tell me about Alicent, and big Aegon too.
Yours kindly,
Elinda.
There is a heart scribbled next to Elinda’s name. Rhaenyra picks up the envelope and inside she sees it, the little blue ribbon. She pulls it out of the envelope carefully and holds it in her hand. The ribbon is the colour of the pale sky, and she can see one of Syrax’s cat hairs still hanging off it. It is only a small object, but in her hands the weight of it is immense, how much she misses Syrax, and Elinda too. Rhaenyra was greatly relieved when she had received Elinda’s reply, months and months after she sent the first letter. Elinda’s response was exactly what she wanted, a connection across that vast ocean. Though it makes her wonder why she never tried it before, when she left everyone behind in England.
It had taken some adjusting, getting used to England again, but she was so glad to be back. Things had been calm these past few months. Aegon and Jacaerys both attend a boarding school during the week, and come home on the weekends. They go riding together, and fishing in the estuaries nearby. Rhaenyra has found a tentative peace with Alicent too, where they do not argue, but they also do not talk about the things Rhaenyra desperately wants to talk about.
It is a friday, in the evening, and Rhaenyra is waiting for the carriage to come down the drive. Aegon and Jacaerys should be home by now, but they seem to have been delayed. She tries not to worry, and assures herself they will be back soon.
The house is quiet, the last she saw Alicent was when she was headed out to the chapel. Rhaenyra was almost tempted to go with her, but she likes to wait for her son to get back from school, as she misses him so much during the week.
Though she is not alone in the house while the boys are away, she is still lonely. The peace between Alicent and Rhaenyra comes with a distance placed between them. Rhaenyra used to think of Alicent often when she was in Boston, an ocean between them. Now though, coexisting in the house, it feels like there is a greater gap between them than ever before. And it aches, aches especially when she can feel Alicent’s eyes on her when she thinks Rhaenyra doesn’t know. She wishes that Alicent would talk to her, say anything at all, but it seems as though Alicent will not speak to her unless Rhaenyra speaks first.
Rhaenyra breathes a sigh of relief when she sees the carriage come rumbling down the long driveway. It kicks a cloud of dust up behind it, into the air. She moves away from the window, and goes to the front door. Opening it, Rhaenyra stands outside and watches the carriage grow nearer and nearer. She can hear it, the creaking of the body and the movement of the wheels. When it stops, Aegon emerges from the carriage first, jumping out of the door like a frog.
“Evening.” he grins up at Rhaenyra.
“Evening.”
Jacaerys climbs down out of the carriage carefully, and smiles warmly at his mother. He approaches her slowly, hands tucked in his pockets.
“How was your week?” she asks them.
“Good.” Jacaerys says, trying to move past her.
She notices he has his hand in his pocket, and there is something in it, bulging slightly. What could that be, She thinks. Rhaenyra frowns down at him, imagining all the troublesome things he could’ve brought home.
“Wait, boy.” she says, “What’s in your pocket?”
Jacaerys’ face goes red in an instant, and he looks to the floor ashamedly.
“It’s not that bad.” Aegon huffs, and Rhaenyra cocks a brow at him curiously.
Slowly, from his pocket, Jacaerys pulls a kitten. It has a tabby coat, and little blue eyes. It mewls pathetically at Rhaenyra from Jacaerys’ hand. She stares at the kitten, completely dumbfounded, it is not what she expected.
“I found him in the bushes behind the school— I couldn’t find his mother, I didn’t know what to do, so I brought him home.” Jacaerys says, looking down still.
Rhaenyra scoops the kitten out of his hand and holds it to her chest. Its minuscule legs are barely the thickness of her fingers, it is a pitiful little thing.
“Does he have a name?” she asks.
“I thought Vermax, perhaps.” Jacaerys shrugs.
“Alright.” Rhaenyra says, and hands Vermax carefully back to Jacaerys.
“You’re letting him keep it?” Aegon gapes.
Rhaenyra shrugs at him.
“You said I couldn’t get a dog!” Aegon protests.
“Dogs are different.” she shrugs again.
“Injustice.” Aegon mutters to himself, and slips past them inside.
Jacaerys looks from the little tabby kitten in his hands, back up to his mother with hopeful eyes.
“Will you really let me keep him?”
“Yes, but he’s yours to look after.” Rhaenyra sighs, smiling down at him.
Rhaenyra walks with Jacaerys to the kitchen as he carries the little kitten there. As they walk, she explains to her son that the kitten is only little, and will need to be given milk regularly. Jacaerys listens, nodding along to what she tells him.
“What about when I’m at school— how will I feed him?” Jacaerys says anxiously.
“I suppose I can find the time to feed Vermax.” she says.
Jacaerys hugs his mother, careful of the tiny kitten in his hand.
“Thank you.” he grins.
-
Days later, the boys are away at school again, and Rhaenyra feels herself slowly driven to insanity by her boredom. The companionship of the kitten Vermax is nice, but it seems he does not make the best conversation partner. She brings milk to him every few hours, and runs her finger from his nose to his neck as he drifts off, tiny body stretched out across her bossom.
Rhaenyra has begun to seek out Alicent more readily, she finds herself wandering the house hoping she will run into her. She wants to hold Alicent’s hand on her own. Sometimes Rhaenyra thinks that fighting would be preferable, that anything would be more stimulating than how dead the house feels during the week.
It is one of those times again, where Rhaenyra wanders about the house. She finds Alicent in the parlour, sat on one of the settee. Alicent is embroidering a flower into a piece of cloth. She watches Alicent for a second, and imagines that they are strangers, meeting on a train. What if they met now, without all the history that binds them together, and severs them apart. Alicent does not look up to her, but continues to focus on her needle as she pushes it through the fabric. Rhaenyra wonders if her gloves make it harder to do.
“Have you ever ridden a train?” Rhaenyra asks, trying to make conversation.
“No, I have not.” Alicent says, only now glancing up to Rhaenyra briefly.
“Why not?”
“I think they are unnatural.” Alicent replies plainly.
“How so?”
“I do not like the way the ground shakes as they hurdle along, they go much too fast.” Alicent frowns.
“They are efficient.” Rhaenyra says.
“If you insist, Rhaenyra.”
Rhaenyra moves away, and goes to the window, gazing out. It is a warm sunny day, but they are both cooped up inside. She considers it a shame.
“Would you like to go for a walk?” she asks.
“Perhaps later.” Alicent replies.
She moves across the room, now behind Alicent, who pays her no mind. Slowly, Rhaenyra edges toward Alicent in an attempt to see her embroidery better. When he has almost reached the settee from behind, a floorboard creaks from under her foot.
“Christ!” Alicent hisses.
Rhaenyra looks over to her, and sees Alicent looking at her gloved finger. There is a speck of blood soaking through the calfskin from where she must have pricked herself with the needle.
“Alicent, I apologise.” Rhaenyra says, and rushes around to the front of the settee.
She bends down on one knee in front of Alicent, who’s breath hitches when Rhaenyra begins to pull the glove off her hand. Rhaenyra holds Alicent’s hand by the wrist, and looks at the finger, sees the smear of blood on her fingertip. Without thinking, Rhaenyra places her mouth against it, and sucks ever so lightly. She can feel that Alicent has begun to tremble in her grasp. Looking up to Alicent, she is met with a wide-eyed stare. The metallic taste of blood spreads across her tongue.
“You mustn’t do that.” Alicent says after a few seconds, trying to pull her hand away.
“Why, Alicent?”
“You should not presume to touch me.” Alicent huffs, and Rhaenyra releases her wrist.
“Is it so strange? It was not so before…” Rhaenyra frowns.
“I do not wish to talk about that.”
“But—“
“You left.” Alicent says, cutting her off.
“I could not stay.” Rhaenyra says, moving back to stand on her feet.
Alicent scoffs, and looks away, avoiding Rhaenyra’s eye.
“You are still angry with me.” Rhaenyra sighs.
“Leave me be, Rhaenyra.”
“Can we not talk?” Rhaenyra steps forward, pleading a little. Alicent’s eyes flash up to hers and she can feel the searing anger already.
“Your father died, and you left!” Alicent exclaims, standing up from the settee, and pacing away from her.
“I had to!”
“Did you?”
“You were furious— the will, I—“ Rhaenyra tries to explain, and Alicent laughs weakly.
“You blame me?”
“No, I—“
“Don’t lie to me.” Alicent sneers, and it frustrates Rhaenyra, it makes her feel twenty again.
“Maybe I should blame you!” Rhaenyra yells back.
“There it is.” Alicent scowls at her.
“Maybe you drove me away!”
“Fuck you, Rhaenyra.” Alicent spits. Rhaenyra huffs a laugh.
“You already have, if you neglect to remember.” Rhaenyra says lowly, and Alicent freezes, turning to look at her slowly.
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what? Don’t speak the truth?” Rhaenyra laughs again.
“You disgust me.” Alicent growls, lip curled into a sneer.
“Oh, is that right?”
“Yes!”
“What of you? What of your lust?” Rhaenyra moves toward her, an accusatory finger pointed at Alicent.
“You forget yourself!”
“Do I?”
Alicent does not respond, just stares daggers into her.
“I have wanted you, and I can admit that now.” Rhaenyra sighs, it is a melancholy confession that she makes.
“That is unnatural, Rhaenyra.”
“Do you not want me anymore?” Rhaenyra asks, moving closer still.
Alicent looks away from her, and does not say anything in reply.
“I used to see how you looked at me, and I still see it in your eyes.”
“Stop it.” Alicent protests weakly.
Rhaenyra looks down to Alicent’s hands, clasped in front of her tightly.
“You can hide your hands, your fingers, tear away at them in private if you like. It doesn’t change anything— it won’t change what we both know to be true.”
“What exactly is that?” Alicent asks.
“What you refuse to speak of, what is between us.”
Alicent steps back, and turns away from Rhaenyra. She can see that Alicent is trembling again, in the way her shoulders shake lightly.
“You left.” Alicent says again, just above a whisper.
“Alicent, please—“ Rhaenyra sighs.
“No!” Alicent exclaims, whirling around to face her, “Do you know how lonely it was? Stuck in this great big fucking house? Did you know that nobody ever visited, not even Aegon’s family— your family. I would not see anyone— and wherever else would I go? I had no husband, and a son to care for! You left me on my own!”
Rhaenyra stares at Alicent for a second, taking it all in. She steps forward, and Alicent flinches away.
“Alicent.”
“I do not wish to talk about this anymore.”
“Please.” Rhaenyra tries, but Alicent shakes her head.
“Go.”
-
Rhaenyra spends the rest of the afternoon in her room with Vermax. He is curled up on her lap, slumbering as she sits by the window and reads a book against the fading light. Soon, it becomes too dark to read and she places the book down on the small table next to the armchair. She looks down to Vermax and smiles to herself. He is such a cute little creature. It aches a little though, as she thinks of Syrax. Rhaenyra glances over to the table, where she had placed an envelope from Elinda’s letter. Picking it up, she pulls the blue ribbon out, and holds it in her hand again.
She takes the ribbon and gently places it around Vermax’s head, under his chin. Rhaenyra tying it loosely into a bow at the top of his head. A little present, just for me , Rhaenyra thinks to herself. holds him up to her face and she grins at him, and presses a kiss to his forehead. Then, she slowly removes the ribbon, and carefully places it back onto the table.
Vermax mewls pitifully up at her, and she figures that the little kitten must be hungry again. Standing up, she holds him against her chest as she leaves her room, and goes down the stairs headed for the kitchen. There, she feeds him milk from a saucer until his belly is full and round. Vermax falls asleep in her palm. She carries him slowly back upstairs to her room.
When she opens her bedroom door, Alicent is sitting on her bed waiting for her. Rhaenyra’s heart skips seeing her. Rhaenyra carries Vermax over to a pillow she had placed on the floor and lowers him down gently. She had placed an old fireplace guard around it, the kind that stops children from diving headfirst into the flames. Rhaenyra had done it, worrying that the little kitten might get himself lost.
Rhaenyra turns back to face Alicent, who is watching her. She steps back, and stands so that they are facing each other. Alicent looks away from her, and Rhaenyra wonders why she is here.
“I never said it before, but I am sorry about your husband. He was a good man.” Alicent says sheepishly.
“Thank you.” Rhaenyra smiles gently.
“I am sorry, I mean that.”
“It’s not your fault.”
”Did I not drive you away, across that ocean?” Alicent says, and looks back to her. Rhaenyra can see the fear in her eyes.
“I did not mean it. Earlier— I was angry. You are blameless.” Rhaenyra sighs.
“I am not so sure.”
Silence falls between them for a minute. Rhaenyra can feel Alicent watching her.
“How did you cope?” Rhaenyra asks, “When my father died, and with Aegon?”
“I don’t know.”
“Please.”
“I don’t think it’s comparable.” Alicent mumbles.
“How do you mean?” Rhaenyra asks. Alicent sucks in a breath and looks to the floor.
“I was relieved when your father died.” she admits.
Rhaenyra feels a lump grow in her throat, and tries to swallow it down. She nods slowly.
“Apologies.” Alicent says, pressing her gloved fingers to her brow.
“No need.” Rhaenyra says, shaking her head.
“I could not help it—“ Alicent tries to explain, “I did not love him…”
It is again silent between them, for several moments. The air in the room feels thick and heavy. It is so odd to talk like this with Alicent, and to talk without raised voices. A part of her had thought that conflict was a prerequisite for them to be close to one another. Rhaenyra does not think she has ever heard so much vulnerability, and honesty, from the other woman. Alicent’s gloved hands grip the sheets around her, where she is sat on the bed.
“Did you never think to get remarried? You were young still, when my father… and more than handsome enough.” Rhaenyra asks, curiosity getting the better of her.
“My father wanted me too, kept encouraging me to find a new match,” Alicent sighs, “but I didn’t want to, I didn’t want it at all.”
Rhaenyra nods gently.
“In truth, I never wanted to marry. I never wanted it.” Alicent chuckles sardonically.
“Is that so?”
“Your father and myself— that was all decided for me. I went along with it, back then I didn’t know how to say no to my father.” Alicent says, bottom lip trembling, and tears beginning to well in her eyes.
“I am sorry, Alicent.” Rhaenyra aches to reach out and embrace her. Alicent sniffles, and wipes her eyes on the backs of her gloves.
“Did you want to marry?” she asks.
“No, I suppose I didn’t either.” Rhaenyra admits. Alicent smiles to herself, despite her tears.
“What is it?” Rhaenyra furrows her brows.
“I was just recalling your lack of enthusiasm for the suitors that called after you.” Alicent laughs softly.
“Good grief—“
“That Mr Cole, he was very fond of you.”
“Don’t remind me, I beg of you.” Rhaenyra groans, screwing her eyes together.
“It was a pity for him that you did not feel the same. You had eyes for another.”
“I did.” Rhaenyra sighs, watching the smile fade from Alicent’s lips.
“Strong.” Alicent says, elongating the names as it rolls of her tongue.
“Harwin was kind, he wasn’t a bad choice.” Rhaenyra replies, a little defensively.
“Was his kindness why you chose him?”
“Yes.” Rhaenyra nods, and looks down and admits, “and I think, just a little, to spite you.”
Alicent’s lip wobbles again, and she tears her eyes away from Rhaenyra. She stands, and goes to the window. Rhaenyra watches all the while.
“Did you love him?” Alicent asks quietly.
It reminds Rhaenyra of a day many years ago when Alicent had kissed her and asked, Do you love him?
“Yes, I did,” she nods, “in a way.”
“My condolences, then.”
Rhaenyra moves toward Alicent by the window, and follows her gaze out to the stars in the distant black sky. I would burn like star, for you, Rhaenyra thinks, glancing back to Alicent.
“I know you did not like him.” Rhaenyra says, but there is no resentment in her voice.
“I did not like how much you liked him.” Alicent admits, and turns away from her again.
“You were not always fair to him, ” Rhaenyra sighs, “and you were not always fair to me.”
“I am sorry.”
“We are both so much older now, I am not the same girl I was all those years ago. I suppose, I don’t know. Now, I am older than we both were when we knew each other. Perhaps now, I understand you better than I did then. Still, you seem to be the most perplexing person I have ever met. ”
Alicent scoffs at that, but she begins to cry again, this time the tears flow unbidden down her face. She presses her face into her gloved palms.
“I was jealous, of Harwin.” Alicent admits, muffled through her hands.
“I know that now, but—“ Rhaenyra moves to her, putting a hand on her back. She leans forward against the side of Alicent’s neck and kisses there softly. She speaks barely above a whisper “I never desired him, not like how I have desired you .”
“We cannot.” Alicent mutters, shuddering.
“Why not? Because it is unnatural?” Rhaenyra frowns.
“Rhaenyra…”
“I used to imagine you as my husband,” Rhaenyra confesses, and Alicent’s eyes flit up to hers, “I’d lie in my bed and picture you, you would wear a tailored suit, and a silk tophat. We walk the promenade together, my arm linked with yours. It was one of my favourite dreams.”
Alicent stares at her, bewildered, mouth agape. Rhaenyra’s mind is spinning, and she cannot help but continue to confess.
“Do you understand what you have done to me? Then, when there was an ocean between us I thought of you everyday. I wondered about you all the time, I couldn’t help it. Sometimes, would I write your name on my arm in ink, just so I could look at it. But most of all, I ached for your hands, I itched to see them again. I’d picture them in my head too, I can do it even now, how they looked, how the muscles under the skin flexed. I always wanted to see them, I want to see them now.” she rambles.
“I am older, and my hands are changed.” Alicent says, voice weak.
“I want to see.”
Alicent shakes her head, and holds her hands close to herself.
“I am older too.” Rhaenyra says gently.
“I can’t.”
“May I ask why?”
“I still hate you,” Alicent sighs, “I know why you left, I know why you did what you did. I was so rageful, but God— I wanted you to stay.”
“I didn’t know.” Rhaenyra whispers.
“You didn’t ask.”
Rhaenyra nods, looks to her feet.
“Harrenhal was far enough, but Boston? The other side of the fucking Atlantic? It felt like a slap in the face.”
“I never knew how to talk to you.” Rhaenyra admits quietly.
“To be fair to you, I don’t think I ever really tried.”
“There were times we should have, I suppose.”
Alicent cocks her head, as if to say go on.
“There was once—“ Rhaenyra begins, but falters.
“Tell me.”
“The night of the engagement party, I saw you crying in the gardens. I walked away.” Rhaenyra says, and ducks her head shamefully.
“You were so young, I do not blame you.”
“Do you not recall commenting on my unmarried status at that age? ” Rhaenyra jokes, and Alicent huffs a wet laugh.
“I thought I knew everything.”
“So did I.” Rhaenyra shrugs.
Rhaenyra steps away from her, to the dresser by the door. She runs her finger along it, and looks at the dust that she has gathered.
“Do you still play?” she asks, glancing back to Alicent.
Alicent frowns, not understanding.
“The piano, I mean.” Rhaenyra elaborates.
“Not in years, I believe.”
“What stops you?”
“I don’t know.” Alicent replies sheepishly.
“Fear?”
“Rhaenyra, please…” she frowns.
“Are you afraid you are not as familiar with it as you were?” Rhaenyra asks, and she is not sure she even means the piano.
Alicent sighs and turns away.
“I remember how your fingers slid across the keys, it was enchanting. You play so elegantly.” Rhaenyra says, moving around to see Alicent’s face, which is now blushing red.
“That was a long time ago.” Alicent sighs again, and begins away from her.
“Would you play for me?” Rhaenyra asks, and Alicent pauses.
“I am not sure—“
“You say we cannot, so play me a song.”
“Fine.” Alicent huffs, capitulating.
Rhaenyra grins, and moves to the bedroom door. She holds it open for Alicent, who drags her feet as she exits. Rhaenyra takes Alicent’s gloved hand in her own, and leads her down the stairs, and across the hallways. Soon, they reach the foyer with the grand piano. She stops Alicent just as they reach it.
“Will you take off the gloves?” Rhaenyra asks, and Alicent hesitates before nodding.
“Yes.”
Alicent lets Rhaenyra peel the gloves from her hands slowly. Around the cuticles Rhaenyra sees the tears, fresh and pink. Alicent shudders as Rhaenyra brings the ungloved hands to her mouth, and kisses the backs of her fingertips.
“What will you play?” Rhaenyra asks, watching as she moves away to sit on the stool.
“What would you like?” Alicent asks in return, lifting the cover from the keys.
“I gathered you liked Grieg.”
Alicent smiles at that, and places her fingers delicately over the keys. As she begins to play, fingers grazing along the keys, Rhaenyra moves behind her and places her hands onto Alicent’s shoulders. She leans down, and Alicent gasps as Rhaenyra presses a lingering kiss to her neck, then her jaw. Alicent plays like she never stopped, and the melody is sweeter than anything Rhaenyra has heard played before. Though it ceases, as Alicent turns her face to Rhaenyra, and their lips meet. She stands up, and pushes the chair back with her leg, and brings her hands up to cradle Rhaenyra’s face. Alicent’s lips are so soft and gentle against her own.
Alicent moves her head back, and slides her hand across Rhaenyra’s face. It is familiar to Rhaenyra, who opens her mouth just a little. Pressing two fingers into Rhaenyra’s mouth, Alicent stares like she did decades ago. This time, Rhaenyra seals her lips around them. After a few seconds, Alicent pulls them out in a slow drag. She stares at the glistening tips of her fingers, and Rhaenyra wonders if Alicent will yell at her, and tell her to go. Instead, Alicent puts her fingers to her lips and sighs. She leans back in to kiss Rhaenyra, who smiles into it.