Chapter Text
When Izuku enters his room, he immediately changes out of his uniform into a tee-shirt and long shorts.
After he changes he collapses on his bed.
He has been wanting to rest all day.
He’s both exhausted and relieved, he’s exhausted because he’s not eating enough and he’s not sleeping enough, but he’s relieved that he can finally rest.
The first thing he does is take out his phone and message his closest online friend.
Unfortunately they live in a different country than he does, but their time zone is close enough to his time zone, that he can message them easily.
Words can’t describe how much he wishes he knew them in real life, they are really and truly the one of only reasons he’s made it this far.
They are one of the only reasons that he’s still alive.
Eventually, after messaging with his online friend for a bit, Izuku scrolls through the ‘Hero News’ and heroes social media pages, he wants to take out his notebook and write down information about heroes in it, however he knows that it’s extremely unlikely he will even have the energy or the motivation to do so, and the fact that his notebook was burnt earlier today definitely isn’t helping to motivate him.
He tries not to think about this, he knows how much he loves taking notes on heroes, and it genuinely upsets him that he isn’t motivated anymore, he’s just too tired.
After a couple hours of rotting in his bed, Izuku takes a pencil sharpener out of his backpack, he uses a pair of scissors to unscrew it, then he takes out the blade.
He sits on the floor, hiding in the corner of his room.
He rolls up his shorts and presses the blade against his thigh.
Then he digs the blade into his skin then pulls the it across his thigh, being careful to not cut where the shorts won’t cover.
When he finishes, he has made 20 cuts, even though They are all fairly shallow, he knows that they deep enough leave a scar, he wishes that he had something he could use to go deeper however all he has access to, that he knows works is a pencil sharpener.
He rolls his shorts back down, trying to ignore the feeling of his shorts sticking to his fresh cuts.
He knows that he should clean and take care of his cuts but he just can’t, he doesn’t have the energy to do the things he loves, and he’s certainly not going to waste his limited energy, on something like cleaning his cuts.
He goes back onto his bed, hoping that he won’t bleed through his shorts and get blood from his self-harm onto his blankets.
That would be extremely hard to find an excuse for.
Izuku goes back to scrolling on his phone, his online friend is not currently online so he scrolls through a few heroes social media accounts.
It doesn’t take long until he’s looking up “low calorie foods” trying to find something for the weekend, however everything he finds either disgusts him or is way too high in calories for him to even consider eating.
He also looks at the calories of the foods he used to love eating and is horrified by the amount of calories in it.
He can’t believe he used to be able to eat, without feeling guilty after it.
He knows that he should take a shower, and even though he never has the energy for it he somehow manages to force himself to take one every day.
He’s procrastinating taking the shower for as long as possible, he doesn’t feel like he even has the strength to get up currently.
Eventually he gets up, gets a change of clothes and heads to the bathroom.
When Izuku heads into the bathroom he drops his clothes and takes out the scale, he weighs himself multiple times.
First he weighs himself fully clothed, and reads “33.8kg” on the scale, he’s satisfied to know that he’s lost 0.4 kg overnight.
Yes he’s aware that weight ranges and that it was likely just water weight, but any weight loss counts to him.
When he gets undressed to weigh himself a second time, he is only 33.3kg.
He is fully aware that weighing this little is extremely dangerous, however he can’t help feeling happy about it.
He did this to himself, he controls what he eats and as a result of his self-control he managed to get to this weight.
After he’s finished weighing himself he goes into the shower.
Being completely honest, it doesn’t even feel like a real shower to himself.
He just sits on the floor of the shower, lacking the energy to stand up in it, and he just allows the warm water to rinse himself off.
He doesn’t even really have the energy to properly wash himself off with soap, so he just hopes that the water will do enough.
When Izuku finishes his shower, he looks at him self in the mirror, checking his collar bones and rib cage, after he’s done body checking, he gets dressed into a comfortable tee-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.
He opens the up cupboard and takes out a bottle of ibuprofen, he opens it and checks how many pills are in it.
Inside the bottle there is about fifteen pills, he hopes that it would be enough to kill him, this isn’t the date he was originally planning on killing himself, but the thought of it being over now is just too tempting to resist.
He takes all fifteen of the pills, and puts the empty bottle back where he found it.
Then he goes back to bed and sends an apology message to his online friend, explaining what he did.
He googles how long the ibuprofen will take to kill him and just gets fucking helplines.
“You’ve got to be kidding me” he thinks, frustrated.
He wants to know how long until he’s dead, he doesn’t want help, he doesn’t want to get better.
He gets a notification from his online friend, who’s obviously terrified.
Izuku feels horribly guilty for dragging them into this, he didn’t mean to scare them, he just wanted to let them know that he wasn’t online anymore, it’s not because he was ignoring them, or mad at them.
He messages with his online friend for a few hours, he’s honestly disappointed that he hasn’t died yet.
Before he even gets a chance to go to sleep, his alarm goes off for him to wake up.
He feels so cringe, because he didn’t die.
Next time he will have to plan better.