Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Do you really think she understands you like I do?” 

Kazutoshi freezes. The words themself sound scary, sound intimidating, like Ken is… threatening him, but the tone is what drives Kazutoshi up the wall. 

He sounds so gentle. He sounds so somber, so loving, so full of care and sincerity that Kazutoshi feels his heart stutter in his chest. Kazutoshi feels his limbs go weak, and that doesn’t escape Ken’s careful eye. 

He can’t do this. 

He can feel himself backing up as Ken walks closer to him. Why is he walking away? Did he… want to get away from Ken? 

He looks at Ken. His eyes are big, doe-like as usual, and they’re practically staring through Kazutoshi’s skull. Kazutoshi didn’t even notice he was still walking backwards until his back hit the cold wall of his room, a stark contrast to the warmth radiating from Ken. 

He’s too close. He’s too far away. Kazutoshi doesn’t know if he wants to push him away or pull him in. It’s getting dangerous - Kazutoshi knows it is and yet he can’t stop himself. 

“Kazutoshi?” Ken breathes. Kazutoshi can feel the breath fanning onto his face, the smell of mint lingering as he shakes. He’s opted to just hold on to Ken, keeping him at the same distance. Kazutoshi’s scared that if they get any closer, he’s going to kiss him. 

“What are you talking about?” Kazutoshi manages to get out. Ken doesn’t flinch, though there isn’t much to flinch at, considering how breathless Kazutoshi sounded. Damn it. He wanted to sound accusatory. Mean. Maybe even argumentary. 

When he looks at Ken’s mouth, almost on his, he can’t. 

“You can’t trust her, Kazutoshi. Do you think she’ll help you? When you’re in danger?” Ken whispers at the shell of Kazutoshi’s ear. Kazutoshi practically shivers, knees going weak. “What if she’s just like Okazaki? You know Tamba’s not a nice girl. That’s how you got to know her.” 

Kazutoshi wants to shove Ken away. He practically wants to scream at Ken, tell him that he’s wrong and that Ruiko would never do that to him, but he can’t bring himself to. He doesn't have the courage, after feeling the sharp edge of Okazaki’s knife on the side of his face. 

It’s barely healed. 

“It’ll scar,” Ken says, brushing his fingers against the still fresh wound. It hurts like a bitch, if Kazutoshi’s going to be honest, but the warmth of Ken’s fingers are worth every drop of pain he has to endure. 

Kazutoshi whimpers. He’s scared. “I-I don’t know anymore, Ken. I don’t know who to trust - it, it was in my food. Okazaki got to my food. She had it out for me. I- how am I supposed to know who else wants to hurt me, just because- just because I’m - just because, just because-” 

“Because your body is weak,” Ken murmurs. He says the part Kazutoshi least wants to hear, least wants to say, and Kazutoshi can feel his anger bubble up. 

“Shut the fuck up.” He hisses, and this time, it really is full of venom. He snarls at Ken, pushing him, and Ken lets him. The guy just backs up, still staring at Kazutoshi with an unreadable look in his eye. 

“I-I’m not weak. I’m not weak. So don’t say shit like that,” Kazutoshi mutters, voice edging back into something softer. He can’t yell at Ken anymore - he doesn’t want Ken to leave him behind. He’s the only person here Kazutoshi can trust, now that he knows everyone else is ready to kill him at any given moment, just because he was an easy target. 

“Of course, of course. I'm sorry,” Ken practically coos. He brushes some of Kazutoshi’s bangs back, staring straight into Kazutoshi’s eyes. It’s a look of love. “I’m just scared. I’m scared you’ll get hurt, and I don’t want to risk it anymore, Kazutoshi. I need you.” 

He cups Kazutoshi’s face, drawing his face up to look at Ken. “So you can’t- you can’t be friends with anyone else. Okay? You- we don’t know what they could be thinking of doing to you. I’m the only person here who doesn’t want to hurt you, Kazutoshi. I’m the only one who can protect you.” 

And he’s right. There’s no one here who looks out for him like Ken does. Ken likes him - no, Kazutoshi already knows. Ken loves him. Just like he loves Ken. They wouldn’t hurt each other, no, they would only protect each other from the unknown. 

He doesn’t know what Tamba’s thinking, but Kazutoshi's sure there’s some selfish motive in her so-called friendship. He’s sure of it. Why else would she try and befriend someone so prickly, and pry into his private life? To hurt him? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to find out. Mai’s probably just keeping him around because of how useful he is during investigation periods, and because he can clean up the bodies after a trial.

He’s sure nobody else here even remotely cares about him. 

Except Ken. Ken cares about him, Ken needs him, Ken loves him. 

All he needs here is Ken. 

“Show me,” Kazutoshi whispers. It’s so quiet Kazutoshi isn’t sure if Ken can even hear it. “Show me how much you need me.” 

Kazutoshi can’t even count five seconds before there’s a warm mouth pressing against his, opening him and tangling with. It’s warm. It’s so, so warm, after all that damned cold. 

He doesn’t care if it’s messy. Kazutoshi doesn’t care how sloppy or stupid this is, how alone he might be if Ken leaves his side. It doesn’t matter. As long as Ken is here with him, holding him, talking to him and laughing with him, nothing else matters. 

He has Ken, and Ken has him. It’s that simple. 

-

Ken is a liar, and he should die a slow, painful excruciating death for having the nerve to lie straight to his face, then pretend like nothing has happened. He’s such a fucking liar, and Kazutoshi can’t help but feel fucking furious when he sees Ken, awkwardly patting Watari on the head as the girl cries her eyes out onto his chest. 

She’s saying something about Okazaki, how she hates her and yet she misses her so bad, and Kazutoshi is filled with so much fury he marches straight over to Ken and pulls his collar up. Watari lets out a noise of surprise, clearly not expecting Kazutoshi to be so physical, but quickly recoils when he glares at her. Kazutoshi’s not very big, and he knows it, but with Watari sitting down, hands still clutched at Ken’s suit jacket, she looks very, very small to him. 

“Go cry about your fucking girlfriend to someone else,” Kazutoshi hisses. “Or did you just forget that if Ken hadn’t found me in the art supply room, I would’ve been dead as well? That if it wasn’t for that psycho, Manami wouldn’t be dead? If it wasn’t for the fact that you were going around letting her do that to people, Wada wouldn’t be like… that right now?” 

He leers at her. It feels so wrong. Kazutoshi knows he’s being awful, and he knows deep down that there wasn’t anything Watari really could’ve done about it - if Ken had turned out to be some cold blooded psycho killer, he wouldn’t have believed it either. But at the moment, his blood is on fire as he watches Watari’s hands on Ken’s chest and Ken’s hands weave through her hair, he can’t help but want to be mean and awful. 

“She did that to my face. She was planning on doing worse. Do you think Ken wants to sit here and listen to your pathetic whining and crying?” Kazutoshi heaves. “If you’re so sorry, kill yourself. If you’re so sorry, pay for what you’ve done. If you loved her so much, go and fucking meet her so you can be foxes together in your next life.” 

Every word is said with spit and venom. It’s all going to Kazutoshi’s head, making him dizzy, but he doesn’t even want to touch Ken because he’s a fucking liar and he’s going to leave him all alone. And that’s not fair. Ken promised him, and yet he was breaking that promise because while Kazutoshi waited around for Ken to come to him like a dog, clearly it wasn’t the same for Ken. 

It made Kazutoshi mad. 

Watari’s face contorts into shock, tears forming before she shoves Kazutoshi out of the way. She looks at him with so much contempt, so much vitriolic hatred that Kazutoshi can’t help but wonder if Watari was going to try to kill him, then and there. 

He wants to see her try. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you say that?” She sounds sad. It’s annoying to Kazutoshi. “I-I know you almost died. I know! I know that most! And I’m sorry! But- but that’s not what changed you. I know it. You’re mad because of something else.” 

It sounds like something’s clicking in Watari’s head, and whatever she’s thinking, Kazutoshi knows it’s wrong. “What the hell are you talking about? Of course I fucking changed because I almost died. Okazaki tried to kill me! Sorry I’m not acting like I used to, now that I know that all of you have it out for me!” Kazutoshi grits out, voice rising.

Kazutoshi expects Watari to turn on her heel and walk out, not wanting to bother him. He expects her to hit him, maybe scream at him a little. The last thing he expects her to do is turn around and look at Ken, face painted with disgust. “What the fuck did you do to him, Hasegawa?” 

Her voice breaks in the middle of his sentence, and Kazutoshi feels all the fire in his blood run cold. Huh? 

Watari doesn’t stop, even as Kazutoshi sees Ken’s hand clench, eyebrows furrowing. He’s pissed. “I knew it. You did this to him, Hasegawa. You-you’re hurting him Ken! Look at him! He’s not mad at me because I’m upset over Hanano dying, he’s just upset because I was saying it to you! He’s mad because he doesn’t want me to talk to you! He’s obsessed with you! If you’re out of his sight for maybe even five minutes, he loses his shit! You- you why the fuck do you look so happy about this?!”

Kazutoshi hadn’t even noticed that Ken was slowly beginning to laugh, during the middle of Watari’s rant. He just laughed easily, like this was a normal conversation and not Watari accusing Ken of… doing something to Kazutoshi. Which he didn’t. 

“I’m happy because that means Kazutoshi is taking what I said seriously. He’s in danger, Watari. He can’t just go around on his own all the time. That means he’s either with me or in my room, since I’m the only person who’ll have a key,” Ken says. “I’m the only one who can protect him. It’s normal for him to miss me if I’m the only one he’s spending his time with.” 

Watari gapes at that. “How can you- how can you say that! You- he was friends with Ruiko and Mai, and now he doesn’t even look at them! They miss their friend! He’s not an object you have to keep in a glass case.” 

Ken just scoffs. “Those aren’t his friends. I’m the only person in this place that actually cares about him. I’m his only friend. And if Kazutoshi didn’t like it, he’d just say that. He’s not as weak as you all think he is.” He stands up, looking down at Watari, not before quickly grabbing Kazutoshi’s hand. Kazutoshi thinks it’s supposed to be comforting, but all it feels is condescending. 

“You’re insane,” Watari manages. “You’re actually insane. Kazutoshi, you don’t agree with him, right? You need to go talk to Rui. And Mai. And the rest of us. You can’t stay there forever.” She’s now turned to Kazutoshi, eyes panicked and afraid, and Kazutoshi thinks it's a better look on her than before. 

“What the hell are you talking about? You’re the one who’s insane. I don’t want to talk to Tamba or Hayashi. I just want to go back to my room with Ken, and without you. Leave us the fuck alone, Watari. We were doing fine before you came along.” 

Watari’s eyes widen, and Kazutoshi swears he can see her eyes watering, but he hasn’t got much time to look. Watari just turns away, heading towards the door of the library, and Kazutoshi is left all alone with Ken. 

It’s quiet. Kazutoshi’s sure Ken doesn’t know what to say. Kazutoshi just doesn’t want to fucking talk to Ken. 

“Do you… want to head back?” Ken says, awkwardly, after the longest pause of silence the two had ever suffered together. It’s weird. When Ken was talking to Watari, it was like he gained more confidence, putting on bravado to try and push Watari away, but now that they’re alone, it’s all melted away. Perhaps it was to protect Kazutoshi. Kazutoshi wouldn’t know. 

He doesn’t give a shit. 

“Kill yourself.” 

Ken’s eyes widen, and he’s nothing like the boy who was staring down Watari, laughing hysterically as he pulled Kazutoshi away from her. 

“Kazu..toshi? What’s wrong? Talk to me. I’m sorry. Tell me what I did wrong, I’m sorry.” 

It’s better to just not respond. 

-

When they’re back in Ken’s room, Kazutoshi immediately shoves Ken against the wall. It’s kind of funny, considering how much it reminds him of the other day, but he doesn’t really care. Ken’s back thumps roughly, and Kazutoshi has to drag Ken’s collar down so the other boy will look him in the eye. 

“You’re such a fucking liar,” Kazutoshi curses at him. Ken’s face quickly pinches in confusion, clearly wanting to ask what the hell Kazutoshi was talking about, but Kazutoshi won’t let him. This is his turn to talk. “You go around and tell me that I have to stay by your side at all times then go fuck off with Watari. You left me alone. What were you going to do if something happened to me again?” 

Ken frowns. “You- you were in my room. It should’ve been fine. I always make sure to have my key on me when I go outside and constantly check it. And- and I wasn’t planning on talking to Watari, she just- she’s the one who chased me down! I was trying to come back as quickly as possible?” 

Kazutoshi scoffs. “Yeah right. Why the hell were you comforting her and touching her hair and shit? Are you fucking serious? What were you going to do if Watari was trying to hurt you and lure you out to hurt you, or worse, hurt you so she could hurt me? Are you not fucking thinking?” 

Kazutoshi cradles Ken’s face. He doesn’t understand what Ken is thinking right now, but all he knows is that Ken is being selfish. He keeps saying shit about how he’s going to be the one to protect Kazutoshi, but doing nothing to protect himself. It was unthinkable. 

“Ken, just because you're stronger than her doesn’t mean shit. She could’ve incapacitated you with drugs or something. You don’t know that. You’re really on my ass about trusting people but you’re the one who’s not being careful enough. I’m supposed to protect you too, and if you’re being so careless I can’t do that.” 

Kazutoshi takes a breath. “Besides, let’s say you do. What’s stopping someone from killing me next? Do you understand now? How can you not just walk off like that with other people? I’m the only one in this game that you can trust. I’m the only one who’s going to take care of you.” 

At this point, they’re so close together that their foreheads are touching. Ken’s eyes are so bright and beautiful, so full of shame and embarrassment that it makes Kazutoshi feel… happy. Maybe this was what Ken felt, after listening to Watari’s words. 

“I’m sorry, Kazutoshi. I wasn’t thinking. You’re right. It’s not safe here.” Ken murmurs. He wraps Kazutoshi into his arms, letting the boy slump into the touch, but Kazutoshi hasn’t had enough. He wants to hear it. He wants it to be said out loud, so that it can be held here forever and ever and ever .

“Say it,” Kazutoshi whispers. “Say that I’m the only one you need. Say I’m the only one who can help you.” 

“I need you, Kazutoshi. Nobody else. Nobody else can help me like you do, look out for me like you do. It’s just you. Only you.” 

Ken complies so easily. He’s so easy, so soft, so beautiful, it was no wonder that there were people out there that wanted to use Ken, wanted to hurt him beyond comprehension. But there wasn’t any reason to worry. They were together. Nothing would matter as long as they were together. 

He feels Ken’s warmth, his broad back underneath his hands, and Kazutoshi just sits there and breathes it all in. 

That’s right. I’m the only person you need. All we need is each other. That’s all. 

-

For the next couple of days, the only time Kazutoshi sees the rest of the students is during the motive announcement. Honestly, it wasn’t really anything special. All Kazutoshi did was spend time with Ken in his room anyway. Sure, they might not really be able to study anymore, but did it matter? They were perfect company. As long as he had Ken, there wasn’t a moment where Kazutoshi felt worried. 

Well, maybe after Ken decided fucking bloodletting there was a little bit of worry involved, but Ken had just assuredly told him that everything was going to be fine. That it was all okay. That there was nothing to worry about, and that losing a little bit of blood wasn’t going to kill him. 

“You really, really shouldn’t do this, Ken,” Kazutoshi says, slightly panicking because it’s not even like Kazutoshi could take on some of the burden of bleeding out with him. Ken was doing all of this because Kazutoshi couldn’t. “I was just joking when I said we could use luminol.” 

Ken just waves his hand, though it’s hard to see in the dark. “Don’t worry about it Kazutoshi. I’m serious. It’s not even that much, and we’ll finally get some light in our room. It’ll be nice.” 

It wasn’t super reassuring, but Kazutoshi could tell Ken was shaking a little. Maybe Ken was a little more scared of the dark than he was. For what reason, Kazutoshi wouldn’t know. 

“... Okay. Don’t overdo it, Ken.” 

Kazuutoshi made sure he wouldn’t. Made sure that it was only a little bit of blood, and that they weren’t trying to light up the room if they really, really, didn’t need to. Honestly, for most of the time, the two of them just spent it cuddled up in each other's arms, sleeping and whispering to each other as they talked about every single thing that crossed their minds. 

It’s like Kazutoshi knew Ken inside and out, by this point. 

Neither of them mention that they’re basically waiting for someone to die. They know it’s going to happen, but aren’t worried about it at all. Kazutoshi feels a little bad - people couldn’t really kill him because he was with Ken all the damn fucking time, but that’s the point. It felt good. Nobody would be able to take them out. 

And in the creeping of Kazutoshi’s consciousness, a disgusting thought crawls its way into his head. It’s sitting there, wormed, and Kazutoshi doesn’t know how he’s going to get rid of it, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to tell Ken about it. 

Is it really so bad if a couple more people die, as long as me and Ken make it out alive? Does it even matter anymore? We’re all so far gone, a couple more deaths wouldn’t really matter, right? If Ken and I can make it out of here, I’m sure it’ll all be fine. We can forget about this. We can forget about… I can forget about Tamba, and Hayashi, and the rest of them, because the only thing that matters is getting out of here alive, and with Ken. 

Gross. Kazutoshi finds himself disgusting. He finds himself vile, cruel, selfish, and finds himself dreaming of Tamba and Hayashi and Watari and Hama as they all go up in smoke, bludgeoned, bruised, bleeding. They all go out with a bang, and it’s just him and Ken, staring at the bloodshed with an apathetic look on their faces. 

The next time Kazutoshi sees any of them is when the school is burning down. 

-

While the school really did get fucking trashed, the trial leaves itself to be less difficult than presented. They find some clues, get to the trial room, and soon, the answer seems to become very, very apparent to all of them. 

“She probably killed herself,” Hayashi says, and Kazutoshi feels something ringing in the back of his mind. Watari killed herself? She did? With what, the fucking fire? Was she a psycho? Why the hell would she…

Kazutoshi can barely remember it. It seems so far away now, the day he argued with Watari. Something that feels like a hundred years ago, even if only a couple days had passed. No. There was no way. There was no way she actually went and fucking offed herself because Kazutoshi told her to. There was no- there was no way. 

He refused to believe it. 

It’s safe to say that Kazutoshi isn’t much use for the rest of the trial. Ken can clearly sense something is wrong, and wants to put Kazutoshi first before a fucking murder trial, but all Kazutoshi does is push him away. 

“I’ll talk to you after the trial. It’s - just focus on not getting all of us killed,” he mumbles out, and oh god his head hurts so fucking bad. Kazutoshi really is trying to hide his pain, trying to pretend he’s okay, but all he’s met with is Ken’s overly concerned eyes. They don't have time for this. 

Luckily, Ken doesn’t seem to push it. Instead, the boy decides to excellently lead the trial, most likely trying to get them out of there as quickly as damn possible. Ken’s basically on fire- he solves the case quickly, his intelligence shining through, and they manage to pin the blame on Hama. 

The poor guy didn’t even know it had happened. He looks devastated to hear what he had done, to hear that he would technically be counted as Watari’s murderer, and begins praying to the lord in forgiveness. 

There’s a silent storm brewing within Kazutoshi’s chest at the moment, and it’s becoming unbearable. A clash of emotions that won’t stop, his mind reeling until he can’t even fucking think about anything anymore, except for the fact that Watari was dead and it might as well have been his fault .

But somebody had to die, anyway. There wasn’t any other choice. Somebody would’ve snapped, under the darkness, and it just so happened to be Watari. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. 

He’s trying to rationalize it in his brain, as if he wasn’t quietly wishing that somebody would die so that Ken would be able to stop fucking bloodletting. He was hoping that somebody would kill someone, so that they would finally be able to leave this fucking shit hole of a place. 

He was hoping that someone else would become the victim of a tragedy so that he and Ken could have their happy ending together. 

It’s sickening. Kazutoshi doesn’t know who he’s become at this point. He somehow feels responsible for Watari’s death, but can’t help that rising feeling of gratefulness that Watari really had decided to kill herself. Oh god, there was something wrong with him, there was something wrong with him and he didn’t know how to fix it. 

“Kazutoshi. The- the trial is over. Hama and Watari are gone.” 

Ken’s voice is like a sweet lullaby, lulling Kazutoshi into a state of safety. Turning Kazutoshi into something small, something fragile, something that can be broken at any moment, even if he tried to cry out that he wasn’t weak. 

He is. He is weaker than Watari, who had decided to kill herself. Whether it was an act of selfishness or not, what it wasn’t was an act of cowardice. It was something that only someone stronger and braver than Kazutoshi could do. 

Because no matter what, Kazutoshi couldn’t kill himself. He- he had something to look forward to, out there. He deserved to go home! None of this was fucking fair, it wasn’t, and now that they’re reaching the last stretch of the game, it really, really, makes Kazutoshi want to go home. 

I have to get out of here alive. I have to get out of here, and I can’t even kill someone to do it because if I do, then Ken will die anyway and it won’t mean anything. 

The seeping disgust he feels after realizing he had considered killing someone just for his own sake settles in. 

Kazutoshi promptly throws up. 

-

When Ken is by his side when he wakes up, just looking at the boy's face makes him sick. 

Selfishly, he wishes he wouldn't have to wake up until the next body is discovered. 

Because then, he’d finally fucking get to go home. 

-

The defense game is stupid because it makes Ken lose his eye. It’s even more stupid because Yanagi insists that he has to be the one to help Ken, because he’s the only one who knows how to do it, and Kazutoshi ends up just losing his shit. He seems to be doing that a lot recently, his emotions bubbling over into something indiscernible. 

He’s just been so full of hatred. For himself. For the game. Sometimes towards Ken. He always thinks about Watari nowadays. He thinks about what Watari told him, what Watari was saying in their final argument. Maybe she was right. Maybe Ken was the reason he had turned into… this. Constantly hysterical. Losing his cool even when he was supposed to be one of the people who could keep his calm. God fucking damn it. 

But when he sees Ken like this, suffering as he bleeds from his fucking eye, god when he finds out whoever chose this punishment he was going to fucking gut them, all sense of self preservation leaves his body. This too, is something he can’t stop himself from doing. Not when it comes to Ken. 

Because even if Ken had told him to drop his friends, it was coming from a place of love. Ken was only saying that to him because he loved him, and was trying to protect him. Kazutoshi was no better, considering he had basically said the same thing but worse later on. 

“Back. The fuck. Away,” Kazutoshi snarls, cradling Ken in his arms despite being much smaller than the boy. Yanagi’s obviously offended, eyes creasing as he immediately protests, insisting that if improperly treated, Ken might not only have to deal with a newfound blindness in his eye, but an infection as well. 

Kazutoshi’s not having it. “You- you’re just saying that because you want to get close to him. You can’t. He’s- he’s mine. You can’t have him!” Kazutoshi’s voice is getting embarrassingly crackly, too full of emotion to even speak properly, and Yanagi also looks like he’s about to blow his lid. 

“Nobody wants him, you dolt! I just want to help him. I don't understand why the both of you think all of us have it out for you! New flash, none of us care about you two. We don’t. I just want to make sure that Hasegawa doesn’t fucking die.” Yanagi is yelling at him, and the more Yanagi pushes his way into Kazutoshi’s territory, the more Kazutoshi wants to push back. 

“That really sounds like someone who-” Kazutoshi starts, but is promptly cut off when Hayashi pulls Yanagi by the collar, pulling him away from Kazutoshi. 

Hayashi just looks sad. “Leave it, Shige. Nishi’s already told me about it - when Kamimura gets like this, there’s no fucking way you’re getting him off of Hasegawa.” Kazutoshi doesn’t know why she’s looking at him like he’s a pitiful dog. It makes him feel shitty, his guts twisting in on themselves as he tries to hide away from Hayashi’s heavy gaze. 

“I don’t know what’s happened to the two of you, Kamimura, and I’m not going to pretend like I know, but acting like an ass to everyone around you isn’t doing you any favors.” 

Hayashi quickly picks up Yanagi, the two murmuring something to each other while they leave. Ken is still clutching his eye in pain, and even though he’s so desperate to know what the hell is wrong with him, Kazutoshi can’t just leave Ken like this. Picking up Ken’s face, he tries to bandage him up properly. 

As expected, it didn't go very well at all. 

-

At this point, Mai is sure Kazutoshi is really going to die. 

It doesn’t matter how, because Kazutoshi has already died.  

That’s just a dead man trying to play pretend in a living body. 

There’s nothing Mai can do to stop it.

After all, you can’t bring someone back from the dead. 

-

The cage game goes just as well as everyone expected it to. The smell of rotting bodies is really starting to consume them all whole now, the auditorium is basically putrid at this point, and Kazutoshi doesn’t even bother playing the game. 

The reward doesn’t fucking matter to him. With a game this easy, it probably wasn’t even going to be that good of a reward anyway. 

The moment the game starts, he steps out of the cage and walks out, Ken on his tail. He can hear the squabbling between Tamba and Hiroaki, the two getting increasingly aggressive towards each other though nothing unhandleable, and Kazutoshi honestly doesn’t even have the energy to think about it. 

He just leans into Ken, sitting in the dining room with his eyes closed. 

It would all be over, right? Soon. Soon, somebody would snap, and it would all be over for them. Soon. 

-

“Hayashi?” 

Mai turns around, only to be face to face with Kazutoshi. The boy is practically trembling. Now that the dorms have been locked up, it seems like he and Hasegawa have been spending their time elsewhere, though Mai’s not sure… where. Sure, she had just assumed they would’ve joined the rest of the group in the dining room like normal fucking people, until she realized it was Kazutoshi and Hasegawa they were talking about. Two complete lunatics. 

“You’re here without Hasegawa?” 

That’s the first thing she can think of, to be honest. She can’t even remember the last time the guy hadn’t had Hasegawa attached at his hip, not to mention he basically snarked at everyone like  a guard dog if they tried to even talk to Hasegawa. 

It’s not like Hasegawa was any better. While he was less obvious about it than Kazutoshi, if anyone even tried to get close to the guy he would chase them away. Quietly. 

There’s a pause that feels shameful, and Mai isn’t sure what to do with it. Should she speak? Should she ask if he’s okay…? Wait, holy shit, if Kazutoshi was here alone did it mean that Hasegawa was…

“He’s sleeping. I wake up a lot easier than he does, so I know when he’s knocked out cold. Which should be about now. I snuck out because I wanted to talk to you.” 

Somehow Mai gets the feeling this isn’t going to be good. Now that she takes a good look at Kazutoshi because oh god had it been a while since she’s been able to actually take a look at him, he looks… thin. Worn out, tethered, like he had completely lost control. It hurts Mai to see him like this, not when she knew what he looked like when he laughed, when he got so into something he wouldn’t stop. 

She wishes she could see that Kazutoshi again. 

Judging by the way Kazutoshi is fidgeting, on high alert, it makes Mai curious. “Do you think I’m going to hurt you or something? ‘Cause you’re always on about that shit nowadays. That someone has it out for you. Though I can’t blame you for being paranoid, considering Okazaki’s whole deal.” 

Kazutoshi flinches at that, pressing his lips closer together. Okay, so that was definitely the wrong thing to say. Now that Kazutoshi’s finally… somewhere without Hasegawa, maybe Mai should be a little nicer, not to scare the guy off. 

“No- just. Don’t worry about that. So? What is it? What could you possibly want to talk about, when you’ve completely blocked everyone that’s not Hasegawa out of your life? Trouble in paradise.” 

Shit. She didn’t want to sound mean, but with the way those two were just constantly bitching at everyone nowadays, it was really starting to get under her skin, since both Nakamigawa and Ruiko seem to want to snark off at each other all day too. 

Kazutoshi barely reacts. He looks so… awful. Mai hadn’t even noticed it. But now that she searched her mind for it, now that she was really looking for it, Hasegawa didn’t look so good either. 

They were destroying themselves. They were destroying each other. 

And funnily enough, it was because they loved each other so much. 

“What’s…wrong with me?” Kazutoshi whimpers. He sounds so weak, even if he tries to deny it all that he wants - Kazutoshi looks pathetic, like he’s about to start crying at any given moment. Mai can feel her heart thudding as she looks at Kazutoshi, eyes welling up at sadness. 

This wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t Hasegawa’s either. This stupid killing game is eating at them all, and it’s now caught up to Hasegawa and Kazutoshi fast. 

Now that Kazutoshi’s started, it’s like he can’t stop. “What’s wrong with me, Mai? Why am I like this? Why am I… why do I act like this? Why am I so fucking paranoid all the time? I can just hear his voice, everytime I talk to you guys, and it scares me so fucking bad… and everything I do, it’s all worthless, I’m just a fucking piece of shit, I can’t do this anymore Mai, I can’t I’m so awful, I’m the worst, holy fuck I don’t deserve to be alive-” 

Half of what Kazutoshi’s saying doesn’t even make sense to Mai, but she doesn’t care. She just grabs him, pulling him close into her arms and gently pats his hair. He’s short so he barely comes up to her chest, but she can still feel the wet slide of his tears on her skin. 

God, what was wrong with these people? Why were they doing this to them, why were they hurting them like this? What was going to happen… after all this? If they got out of here, how the fuck were all of them supposed to live on, like nothing ever happened? 

“Kazutoshi. I don’t- look, I can’t read minds. I don’t know why you’re thinking this or what you think is wrong with you, but I promise you, ending it won’t change anything. Please, stay alive for me Kazutoshi. If you live, and you truly believe you’re broken, there’ll be something left to fix. If you don’t, it’s all over. It’ll all be over.” 

Kazutoshi doesn’t respond, and just weeps. He weeps, weeps, weeps, and Mai doesn’t fully understand what’s going on, but there’s a connection between them that she can’t deny, something like a spark being relit in the dark windy night. 

-

The Loyalty Game is completely awful. 

Kazutoshi wants to choose dare. After hearing Ken be forced to give out his medical information (though the group goodheartedly just covered their ears, which Monomoko clearly finds issue with, telling them to not do it again), Kazutoshi finds himself wanting to choose dare, only to be stopped when he genuinely sees what the dares are. 

Removing a finger. And Mai.. she just took it. She said she would take everyone’s punishments for them. That she would be the one to shoulder all the weight, to be the one to carry everyone’s failings so they wouldn’t have to leak their secrets. 

Kazutoshi’s sure he could just give his dare to someone else. He’s so sure he could. After all, aren't they all just people he barely cared about? They aren’t people he had to concern himself with, Ken told him as much, and told him to choose dare if he really wanted to. That he could give the dare to Ken, or even any of their other classmates. 

Naturally, this makes everyone upset, claiming that if Kazutoshi wasn’t going to do his own dare he should pick truth. 

Hypocritical, considering these were people who just gave their dare to Mai anyways. Besides - by the way Yanagi’s looking at him, giving his dare to Mai would probably set the guy off his rocker. 

He doesn’t want to tell the truth. 

But deep inside, no matter how many times he tells himself that he can’t trust anyone but Ken, he still doesn’t want to hurt any of them. Not Tamba- no, no Rui, who he laughed with in the gym together, or Mai, who would wipe his tears away and investigate the bodies with him. 

He couldn’t do it to Yanagi, not when Yanagi meant so much to Mai. To hurt Yanagi was basically the same as stabbing Mai in the back. 

And when it came to Hiroaki and Ojima, Kazutoshi knew he owed them nothing. They were just a couple of people he didn’t get along with, maybe even the people in this group most likely to murder him - but when he saw the way they touched each other, feather light and careful but designed and natural, all he can see is him and Ken. If he tears them apart, hurts them, it's just the same as someone hurting him and Ken. 

Wada was the only person Kazutoshi really, just didn’t like at all in the group, and had no reason to protect. He didn’t have anyone like Kazutoshi had Ken or Hiroaki had Ojima. He was a nobody. Weak. Pathetic. 

He was somehow just like him. 

Kazutoshi grits his answer out, trying to scramble away from Ken’s heavy gaze. It’s so tender, so full of love, like Kazutoshi’s the only person in his world. To Kazutoshi, it honestly feels like he’s betraying Ken by choosing truth. Like he’s choosing the rest of the students over Ken. 

When he says the single word, dropping from his lips quietly, he doesn’t meet Ken’s gaze. 

There’s no malice. In fact, Ken just smiles at him, and Kazutoshi feels like throwing up. Of course Ken wouldn’t get mad at him. He had told him this was his choice after all. 

“What did you say to Watari Nishino in the library the day after the third trial?”

Monomoko is very, very, cruel. 

She brings up things everyone wants to forget, wants to hide away. She makes you admit things to yourself that you never want to admit. And Kazutoshi really, really, really doesn’t want to admit this. 

It’s like an instant reaction. Ken is trying to come up to him, and Monomoko tells him to sit down. His head is spinning by now, and he can’t fucking think straight because he thinks he’s about to pass out. No. No no no. This couldn’t be happening. 

Kazutoshi steadies himself. Somewhere in the background, he can hear Yanagi say something along the lines of it’s okay, Kamimura. No matter what you say, we won’t judge. 

That brings a laugh out of Kamimura. “No, you will. You’ll judge me and you’ll never forgive me. And that’s okay, because I deserve it.” 

Ken is immediately standing up, trying to defend him, but the words seem to die on his tongue when Kazutoshi just smiles sadly. His tone feels dry, bland and emotionless when he forces the words out, but he knows he has to. “I told her to kill herself.” 

Monomoko is cruel. 

So she doesn’t stop at just that. “Why?” 

Kazutoshi scoffs. “Is that a part of the answer? There's part two?”

“Please answer the question.” 

Kazutoshi squints. “Because… She was pissing me off. She was talking about Okazaki and how sad she was that Okazaki died and shit and I was pissed because that psycho literally almost killed me. I didn’t want to listen to someone whine and cry about how much they miss a stone-cold killer, who almost killed me.” 

There’s murmuring behind Kazutoshi. He can hear them, can hear how they’re now wondering if Kazutoshi’s the reason why Watari even decided to commit suicide. 

They were probably right. 

Monomoko does not budge. “That is not a truthful answer.” 

Hiroaki’s the first to complain, as always. “It’s probably because she was tryna fuck Hasegawa or something. We all know Kamimura literally shits his pants and throws a stupid tantrum whenever anyone even tries to touch Hasezono.” 

“ Do not speak about Nishi like that, or I’ll actually cave your head in, Nakamigawa,” Mai snarls, clenching her fist. Even without a finger, she was still intimidating as fuck. Nakamigawa, like the bitch ass pussy he is, backs down without a fight, and Kazutoshi just sucks it up. 

“I got mad because she was getting really close to Ken, and I thought it was hypocritical that Ken could talk to whoever he wanted but I couldn’t. I was mad so I took it out on her.”

That fuckass rabbit says nothing, and just stares at Kazutoshi, as if willing him to continue. 

Kazutoshi finally understands what the fuck it wants from him. “Oh my fucking god you can’t be serious. You want me to say the words I was jealous out loud? Are you kidding me? Fine! I was jealous of Watari. There. Are you done fucking with me now?” 

He spits out the last part, hatred filling his veins, and Monomoko finally nods, doing her stupid fucking confirmation, seemingly satisfied with such a childish and stupid fucking answer. 

He can feel the gazes of the other students on him, but he can’t fucking bring himself to care. Even when Hasegawa chooses dare and enacts his punishment on Tamba for saying something about him (which ends up with Mai taking the dare, like usual), Kazutoshi just tunes it all out. 

He doesn’t give a fuck anymore. 

“Kamimura Kazutoshi, please step forward. Please make your selection.” 

Somewhere in the distance, he can see Ken begging him to choose dare. He’s practically wailing, telling Kazutoshi to just choose dare and give it to Ken, but Kazutoshi’s made up his mind. After watching this entire shit show go down, after finally admitting out loud that he had forced Hama to take the blame for his murder of Watari out loud, Kazutoshi finally, finally understands his role in this show. 

He turns to Ken. “Ken, choose truth next time. For me.” 

Ken stills, in shock, clearly not expecting that from him, but nods anyway. He looks stupefied. Shocked. Like he doesn't understand what’s going on in Kazutoshi's head. 

Kazutoshi doesn’t either, so it’s not like he expected Ken to get it. 

Monomoko starts her statement. “What were you doing before you arrived at the killing game?” 

Kazutoshi blinks. 

Huh. After such a hard fucking question, he wasn’t expecting something this easy. It’s like a strange sense of relief. This involved nobody else. This was about him. This wasn’t hard, at all. “I was trying to kill myself. I woke up here thinking I was dead, or this was a hospital.” 

Monomoko is satisfied with this response, and moves on quickly. Ken already knew this information, but he’s still staring at Kazutoshi desperately, as if Kazutoshi leaking his own personal life was any of his concern. 

I used to be such a private person, Kazutoshi thinks, mind feeling dull. I guess after having your entire mind fucked over and rearranged by a killing game, that shit doesn’t even matter anymore. Nothing matters. This is all going to be over soon anyways. I don’t have the time or energy to care about this shit. 

Rui’s third truth involves him. Monomoko asks her what he said to her in the gym, and she looks back at him completely frightened. Her muscles have completely locked up, and despite Kazutoshi having completely shunned and shut her out, she still cares about that stupid secret. 

All because Kazutoshi told her not to tell anyone. 

Rui might be stupid, but she was so sincere it hurt Kazutoshi’s head. He can’t even stop the laughter that bubbles up out of his throat, and Rui’s eyes widen. He can hear the hush fall upon the students, probably because he hasn’t laughed so freely in a while. Even with Ken, nowadays it was at most a small giggle. Even between the two of them, they usually kept to themselves. 

“Do you really think me and Ken haven't passed that point by now?” 

Rui flushes red. “H-hey! You’re the one who told me not to tell anyone. Fine. Whatever. Kamimura said he had feelings for Hasegawa. Yeah. Super obvious. Who cares? Shame on me for trying to be a good friend.” 

Kazutoshi just throws his head back. “Yeah, yeah. Thanks Rui.” 

Oh shit. 

Kazutoshi freezes at the natural way the name flows from his mouth, so easy and simple like it was normal ass banter. Like what they had before. And Kazutoshi already knows Rui’s eyes are shining with tears, so he forces himself to look away before he also starts crying. 

He ignores Ken’s curious expression. 

When Ken’s turn comes around, he obviously chooses truth. Just because Kazutoshi wanted him to. Of course. 

Kazutoshi feels the guilt welling up in his throat. Fuck. 

“What did you find after searching around in the medical bay a couple nights ago?” 

There’s no hesitation from Ken. “Okazaki’s body had disappeared. Whoever’s running this sick game probably took it for some reason.” 

Monomoko confirms this to be the truth. 

Now, without a doubt, this causes a commotion between literally fucking everyone because there’s a huge question that remains unanswered: why the fuck was Hasegawa snooping around in the medical bay looking for bodies? 

Ken shakes a little, a little flustered, but resolute in his answer. “I-I just wanted to make sure she was dead. Like really dead. J-just because.” 

Rui glares at him. “There’s no way he went there with the intention to desecrate a corpse, right? He’s not that fucking weird and creepy, right?” 

“Of course not, are you an idiot?” Ken snaps. “I’m having nightmares about some creepy person who tried to kill the person that’s most important to me in the world, sorry I’m paranoid and high strung and run out of meds and-” 

Ken is heaving heavily, eyes glazed over, and he seems to realize how out of character it is for him since he settles down easily. Calmly. Like he’s trying to collect a person who’s barely there. 

“Anyways, it doesn’t matter. I’m glad it wasn’t anything stupid.” 

Kazutoshi agrees, to that point. Who cares? So what if Okazaki’s body was somewhere else? It’s not like knowing there was a way to exit the school was mind blowing information. They had to have gotten in here somehow - obviously, there must’ve been a way for them to leave. 

It just didn’t matter, because they weren’t going to be able to find it anyways. 

When it comes to Kazutoshi’s last turn, he says truth easily. He doesn’t have the energy for this anymore. 

“Where did you go last night, when Hasegawa Ken was asleep?” 

He saw it coming. Of course, Kazutoshi flinched a little, but he saw this coming. There was nothing else worth asking him anyways. 

“I went to see Hayashi. I wanted to talk to her about something I couldn’t talk to Ken about,” Kazutoshi says. He can literally sense the way Ken tenses up, desperately gnawing to say something but keeps his mouth shut. Not here. No way. 

“What did you want to talk to Hayashi about?” 

What a stupid fucking question. “I was trying to figure stuff out about myself and Ken. It wasn’t anything special. Pathetic mental breakdown or whatever. You’ve seen enough of those here, haven’t you?” 

It’s said with enough contempt that Monomoko seemed to leave it alien, finally ending what Kazutoshi knew to be his personal hell. It was over. Finally, it was going to be over. 

-

Ken corners him after the game, as expected. 

“What the hell did you want to tell Hayashi that you can’t tell me? Are you serious, Kazutoshi? Hayashi- she’s dangerous! Not just to you, but literally everyone else here. She could- she could snap you like a twig! Do you-” Ken’s voice breaks. “Do you not trust me?” 

He looks so weak. At some point, the Ken he knew would laugh freely and swat at Kazutoshi, and be filled with so much warmth slowly began to dissipate, leaving behind something so close to Ken but not quite. It was like Kazutoshi had wrangled what was left of Ken out of him, even more so than Okazaki had. 

Kazutoshi had already murdered Hasegawa Ken long before he had decided to. 

“I’m sorry, Ken.” 

This doesn’t do anything to quell Hasegawa’s… anger. At this point, Kazutoshi knew he was supposed to be angry, that Ken was angry right now, but the only thing he could feel was a rising sense of pity as he watches Ken cry, face crumping as he sobs endlessly. He didn’t look mad, or intimidating, or anything close to how he had looked when facing Okazaki or even Watari. He just looked broken, like someone that couldn’t be put back together no matter how much Kazutoshi would try. 

“That’s not enough! Kazutoshi, please! If you die, if you get hurt, I swear to god I’ll murder every single person in this building. I’ll make sure none of them will forget what they did to you.” Something flickers in Ken’s face, a look of realization, and Kazutoshi doesn’t know what the hell is happening. All he knows is Ken is breaking down in his arms. 

“Oh my god- you- you miss them. You miss them. I’m- I’m not enough for you. Of course. That makes sense… of course! You’re- you’re Kazutoshi, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, you’re the person who deserves to have everything in the world, of course you wouldn’t be satisfied with someone as fucking useless as me. I knew it. I’m sorry, Kazutoshi, I’m sorry, it’s my fault, it’s my fault, it’s my fault, it’s my fault for taking advantage of your kindness and selflessness and it’s my fault for not realizing how much you care for everyone here - oh Kazutoshi, please forgive me! Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-!” Ken is clutching at Kazutoshi’s arms so hard that they’re probably going to bruise, but Kazutoshi can’t shove the other boy off of him. He doesn’t want to. 

Ken continues to cry desperately. “Kazutoshi, you’re so nice, you don’t want to hurt them. But I swear to god, if any of them take advantage of that, I’ll hurt them so hard they won’t be able to think about anything else. You can talk to them. You can. Of course. You should. But just know if you ever die, Kazutoshi, I swear to god I’m going to make sure every single person in this school dies a slow, painful death. I’ll kill them all. You don’t- you don’t want to hurt them, right? So you have to live. No matter what. Okay? No matter what, you have to live, or everyone else dies. I will too. Okay? Kazutoshi? I’m sorry. I know I'm the worst. But this is the only way I can protect you. I’m so sorry. Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-!” 

Oh. 

Kazutoshi doesn’t know what to do as Ken sinks to his knees and continues to babble on and on, face covered in snot and tears and desperation. From the way they were standing, Ken’s hands bunched up into Kazutoshi’s clothes, clasped close together, it looked like Ken was praying to Kazutoshi. Like Kazutoshi was his god. 

“It doesn’t matter if I die anymore. As long as you live, I’ll be happy.” 

So this is what happened to them. 

Hasegawa Ken, who almost lost his only friend in this fucked up killing game, ends up hiding that friend from everyone else, desperate to keep them safe. This friend to him, must be the universe, someone he’s willing to give up everything in the world for. His soul, his heart, the lives of everyone else. This friend was more than everything to him, and Ken was willing to prove that to them. 

He would turn from someone shy to assertive, someone who would rattle off facts when they were nervous and laugh easily at the stupidest jokes to someone who turned overly protective of his one friend, lashing out indiscriminately if anyone dared to even look at them. He turned into someone who didn’t care about anything else, if it meant keeping that friend safe, someone who would burst into tears and blame themselves for everything that went wrong. 

He was someone who cried endlessly, because crying was all that he could do. He was someone who begged endlessly, because that may have been the only way he could ever be forgiven, in his eyes. 

Because to Hasegawa Ken, he is the sinner. He’s the catalyst, the victim, the culprit, the killer, the survivor, the one who lives with blood on his hands or dies with his heart painted black. Hasegawa Ken, to his very own self, is an unsalvageable sinner who desires hell, and Kamimura Kazutoshi is his angel. 

And that very Kamimura Kazutoshi is someone who almost died, and out of his paranoia, began to rely endlessly on his closest friend. He convinced himself that everyone else was out to get him, and made sure his friend would be alone as well. He would feel unexplainable bouts of anger when that friend even so much as talked to someone else, chasing everyone away like a guard dog. He did all that, just to leave his friend behind, when his friend had nobody else. 

Because Kamimura Kazutoshi made it that way. 

No wonder Ken was obsessed with him. He made it that way. No wonder Ken was always crying these days. 

It was all Kazutoshi’s fault. 

Was it? Was it Ken’s too, for being the one to plant the idea in his head, to tell him that he could trust nobody but Ken? Was it Ken’s fault he had given up his friends, and that Ken was the one who had it coming? 

Or was Kazutoshi just losing his mind, trying to assign blame when both of them deserved to die more than anyone else here? 

We’re both awful people Ken. 

I’m not your angel. I’m not someone who can forgive you. 

The only person that you should be begging forgiveness for and from is yourself. 

-

Ruiko panics when there’s a note addressed to her. She, as usual, immediately begs Mai to come with her, just in case, even though the sender in question is… most likely just Kazutoshi. Who, honestly, even if he was more edgy than before now, with the way he had broken down in her arms last night, wasn’t much of a threat, but if it made Ruiko feel at ease, Mai was sure fine with coming along. 

The location request was quite odd: Mai hadn’t thought he would want to meet up in the woodshop of all things, but he’s there, standing in the dim light. Kazutoshi looks particularly more listless than usual, but otherwise, there seems to be nothing wrong with him. As soon as they both walk through the door that was already laid open (Kazutoshi wasn’t dumb enough to put the door close after what happened to Tsuno), Kazutoshi reacts very little to Mai’s presence, and just nods at Ruiko. 

“Hey, Toshi,” Ruiko says. She’s gone back to the old nickname now, seemingly more relaxed after seeing Kazutoshi’s more friendly behaviour during the Loyalty Game. “What’s…up? Hasegawa’s not here?” 

Kazutoshi just shakes his head. “He says as long as I don’t get myself killed I can go around and do whatever the fuck I want, I guess”

Both Ruiko and Mai look at each other in disbelief. There was no fucking shot, not when those two were literally parasitic to each other for the last two-ish weeks. “There’s no way.” 

This doesn’t seem to bother Kazutoshi much. Honestly, it feels like he’s barely even here at the moment. Mai’s starting to really worry about him. “There was a lot of yelling and crying and begging. And threatening to brutally murder everyone. But it’s fine. It’s over. I-I really did a number on him.” 

That confuses Mai. “What the hell are you talking about?” 

Kazutoshi just shrugs noncommittally. “I’m the one who made him like that, as much as he made me like… this. As much as Okazaki did to the both of us. Sure, she might’ve been the reason we both started acting like this, but we both had the freedom to stop whenever we wanted, right? We destroyed ourselves. It’s our fault.” 

Mai flinches at that. No, Kazutoshi would never be so… flippant, so careless. There was something so, so wrong with him. “Why are you saying that? You- there’s- it’s explainable. You were both traumatised to hell and beyond.” 

“So were you. And you didn’t fucking ruin everything good.” 

There’s a heavy silence. Ruiko is honestly just shaking, and Mai can tell it’s not because she’s angry or scared. She’s probably just so, so, sad. She’s sad that Kazutoshi turned out this way, she’s probably sad that she couldn’t do more about it. Mai gets it. 

“Look, I didn’t call you guys here to piss all over the already shitty mood. Now that me and Ken aren’t tailing after each other I- I just wanted to talk. Like the old days, if you can even say that. I just want everything to feel… normal, as much as we can in this scenario.” 

Kazutoshi smiles rather painfully at them. “I want to feel normal again. I want to feel like… I want to feel like Kamimura Kazutoshi, pre-Okazaki incident.” 

And who was Mai to deny him that? Sure, it was a little weird, but Mai could chalk it up to Kazutoshi fighting with Hasegawa. That always ended with Kazutoshi in a shitty mood. With everything that’s been going on in the guy’s life, this was the minimum they could do for him, even if he had totally locked them out for the past two weeks. 

It just all felt… so normal. Like everything clicked back into place. Sure, they had never really spoken, all three of them together, but something about this felt so average, maybe something they could’ve all experienced together if they had really gone to high school together. 

It’s fun. They talk about everything and anything - shitty gossip, trash talking, personal stories and just funny moments and memories they all wanted to relive together. Some memories beautiful and laughworthy. Some to bring out tears. It didn’t matter. 

Mai doesn’t know how much time passes, but soon the nighttime announcement hits, and Mai thinks it’s time to bounce. She and Ruiko are basically about to leave, clearly expecting Kazutoshi to follow them after their chat, but he just shakes his head. 

“I have to finish up some business with Ken. I don’t want to fight with him anymore, even if it’s about something that might not feel that big of a deal to you guys.” 

It’s totally understandable. Those two cared about each other in a way Mai wouldn’t be able to understand - maybe it was something like her and Shigeki. Maybe it was something a little deeper, something so furled with bitterness yet love that she would never be able to understand something like that. 

It was going to be okay. Kazutoshi was practically like his old self, during the moments they were chatting - snarky, silly, and most of all he would fucking laugh. If they just- if they kept it up for a little bit longer, Kazutoshi would be back to normal. 

They just needed a little more time. 

-

The medical bay is dark. 

The only light that peeks in through the room is from the open door, and Kazutoshi doesn’t close it. Not yet. They still needed to see each other, through the last of it all. 

“It- it stinks in here. Why… why did you want to meet here of all places? We can’t go anywhere else?” Ken mutters. He seems to have slept a bit of his hysteria off, a little calmer now, but his hands are still trembling. Ken’s nose scrunches a little, probably from the smell, and Kazutoshi laughs when he thinks with a heavy heart on how cute it is. 

“Because you’re going to die here.” 

Ken is unflinching. Maybe he expected this from Kazutoshi. Or maybe he didn’t believe Kazutoshi, with the amount of times Kazutoshi had said something along those lines before. 

“Sure.”

Okay, so Ken doesn’t believe him. Kazutoshi takes in a deep breath, which is absolutely fucking disgusting considering the state of the air in this place, and Kazutoshi wonders just how Ken was able to handle it when he came down here before. Maybe it was before the bodies had unfreezed, where the stench wasn’t palpable yet. 

“I’m serious Ken. We’re going to die in this room.” 

Ken’s head snaps up at that. He’s looking directly into Kazutoshi’s eyes, panicked. He can see the waterworks starting again. Fuck, Kazutoshi, really, really, didn’t want to see Ken cry. He didn’t want him to go out like that. 

“What do you mean we, Kazutoshi? No, no, no, no, I don’t care if you kill me but I swear to god, Kazutoshi, you can’t hurt yourself, please, Kazutoshi, no, do whatever you want to me, I don’t care! I don’t care, don’t hurt yourself, don’t kill yourself, no, no, this can’ t be happening…” 

Ken quickly grasps Kazutoshis’ wrists, pushing him against the medical bay bed. “I won’t let you kill me. Because if you do you’ll just kill yourself. I’m sorry, Kazutoshi, but I’m keeping you here. You’re not going to kill me. Or yourself.” 

Ken sounds frantic. It’s honestly pissing Kazutoshi off. 

“What the fuck? What the fuck is wrong with you? Stop! Just fucking stop! I don’t want to hear- I don’t want to hear you say that, I want to hear you beg for your own life! Stop it! ” Kazutoshi screeches. He thinks he’s going to lose his mind. “I want to hear you beg for your own life, I want you to try and hurt me, I want you to try and live! ” 

Kazutoshi struggles against Ken’s grip. “Hurt me! Hurt me like you mean it! Fight for your own fucking life, for once! Do it, Ken! Kill me, so I won’t kill you first!” 

Ken just shakes his head. “No. I’m not letting you. I promise you, Kazutoshi, if one of us is going to get out of here, it’s going to be you. You can’t die. You’re the only good thing left here.” 

This is like fighting a losing game. Ken isn’t going to let go. Not if Kazutoshi kept fighting back like this. 

So he tries a different way. 

“Kiss me, Ken.” 

Ken freezes immediately, and Kazutoshi just leans his face in. “Kiss me, so I can forget about all of this.” 

Ken seems stunned. He looks like he’s about to say no, clearly because Kazutoshi seems mentally out of it, but all he has to do is whine and beg for it, and Ken folds easily. 

“I-I… why?” Ken whispers. 

Kazutoshi is cruel. Kazutoshi is the fucking worst. Kazutoshi is taking advantage of Ken. 

“Because I love you, Ken.” 

It’s even crueler because it’s true. Kazutoshi has never loved like this, never loved so hard that he was willing to reach into his own chest and force feed it down Ken’s throat because of how much he loved him. He loved Ken, and this love was something that he deserved to drown in, deserved to feel his lungs filling and closing up with, and deserved to suffocate in it uncomfortably. 

Because loving Ken is comfortable. It’s right. It’s right, because it’s Ken. Even through all the fighting words, all the manipulation, all the… all the everything in the fucking world they went through, loving Ken is the only thing Kazutoshi was sure of. That was the only part of him that he couldn’t erase, didn’t want to erase, something that even if he died, wanted to be known to the world. 

Kazutoshi lived so much of his life hiding his love, he thought it was only right for him to share this one. Share the one that changed him for the better and for the worse. 

“I love you, Ken. I love the way you laugh, I love the way you get nervous and ramble on about facts that I couldn’t even imagine knowing. I love how you kept my privacy and protected me no matter what. I love the way you look, from the missing eye to the strong arms to the handsome face you have. I love the way you breathe, I love the way you live, I love you so much that I don’t think I could love anyone else in my life,” Kazutoshi whispers against Ken’s mouth.

He lets his arms come up to Ken’s chest. 

“Kiss me so we can pretend this never happened.” 

Ken complies. 

It’s not their first kiss. 

It’s their last, so Kazutoshi wants to make it good.

He devours Ken, he lets Ken devour him, and it’s messy and sloppy and desperate and so full of passion and love that Kazutoshi can barely feel his head. He can barely feel his own arm sliding into the pocket of his hoodie, pulling out the knife that feels smooth at the handle, and he can barely taste the blood in Ken’s mouth as Kazutoshi stabs him, as hard as he can, puncturing the stomach of the man he loves. 

“I love you so much I want to die with you, Ken.” 

He parts from Ken, and between their lips is a string of blood and spit. Ken is stumbling, in shock, and Kazutoshi just gasps. Holy fuck. He did it. He was going to kill Ken. 

“What? Why- why… Why the stomach? I’m not… going to die if I get help…” Ken stutters out, and Kazutoshi just cups his face. 

“Because you’re going to kill me before you die, Ken.” 

Kazutoshi brings Ken’s hands up to his neck. They’ve walked their way over to the door at this point, and Kazutoshi just slams it shut. There. It was over. He had made sure to get wood glue from the woodshop so that Ken wouldn’t be able to open it and get help. 

Neither of them could see each other's faces anymore, but Kazutoshi can hear Ken’s wet, harsh breathing, and the droplets of blood hitting the floor. Ken’s still crying, but that doesn’t matter. 

“Aren’t you happy? I can’t see you crying. The last face of Hasegawa Ken, the man I’m in love with, I’ll remember is the pretty face you make when we kiss. That’s pretty nice,” Kazutoshi whispers. “Let’s go, Ken. If you don’t, you know I’ll just kill myself on my own.” 

Ken scrambles towards the door. “M-move.. The door…” 

Kazutoshi shakes his head. “It’s glued shut. I knew you’d try to leave.” 

Ken is crying so hard now, Kazutoshi can feel it. “Why are you doing this to me, Kazutoshi? Why? Why? Why? I’m sorry. What did I do? Please, forgive me. Please, make it all stop.” 

It’s because I hate us. I love you, but I hate us. It’s because I hate myself. It’s because I hate this place. It’s because I’m awful and I deserve to die, and I’m too much of a coward to take myself out. It’s because if I die, it’ll all be for nothing since you were just going to kill everyone else anyways. 

It had to be like this. Because you love me, Ken. Because… 

“I love you, Ken.” 

The hands on his throat tighten. Finally. 

“Shut up! Shut up! Don’t say that while you’re doing this to me, you don’t love me, this isn’t love, Kazutoshi, no, god someone please help me, oh my god, I can’t stop, oh I’m sorry Kazutoshi, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” 

Ken’s hands don’t loosen up even though he’s crying out apologies. Maybe he’s not as sorry as he seems. Maybe he’s realized he doesn’t have any other choices. Maybe it’s because if Kazutoshi was going to die, Ken would rather it be by his own hands. 

“I love you,” Kazutoshi whimpers out. For some reason, as he’s losing consciousness, he kind of regrets doing this in the medbay, where all the lights were off. What he would do to see Ken smile at him one last time, what he would do-

That’s unfair. To both him and Ken, when he’s the one who set this all up in the first place. 

Kazutoshi’s vision flickers. Ken’s hands are still wrapped tight against his throat but it’s gentle - it’s not a rough strangulation. Instead of putting the pressure on Kazutoshi’s windpipe and trachea, where it would hurt most, Ken’s putting a consistent pressure on the side of his neck so the only thing that’s being cut off is his blood, not air. 

That must be incredibly difficult to do while impaled with a knife, but because it’s Kazutoshi, Ken finds a way. Ken finds a way to try and make him die as painlessly as possible, with as much dignity as possible. 

Oh my god, I love him. I’m sorry Ken. I shouldn’t- we shouldn’t - maybe in another life, maybe in a better world we could’ve met and suffered else. Maybe in another world it would’ve never had to come to this. 

Even if this killing game sucked, even if everything here was practically made to try and fuck me over, I’m glad I might you. Even if you might’ve ruined me forever, I’m glad. I’m glad it was you. I’m so happy I met you Ken, and I’m so happy that if I’m going to die, it’s not at the hands of Okazaki, but you. Someone who-

Someone who-

“I love you, I love you so much, Kazutoshi, I’m sorry, I love you, Kazutoshi, I forgive you, I forgive you, please forgive me, I love you Kazutoshi-” 

That’s the last thing Kazutoshi hears before his life fades from him. 

The last things he thinks is something along the lines of 

I can’t believe the first time I’m hearing that you love me out loud is when I’m dying. I can’t tell if this is cruel, or a blessing. Oh my god, Ken loves me. I knew it, but I could never- now that he’s said it out loud, I- I want to live with him forever, I want to love him forever-

God damn it, of course I forgive you Ken. 

Because I love you too. 

I love you. 

-

[THE TRIAL OF THE STAR-CROSSED LOVERS]

Mai cries, endlessly. 

When they couldn’t find Kazutoshi and Hasegawa anywhere the next day, it hadn’t been particularly worrying for them. After all - that’s how they usually were. Away. 

It wasn’t until they really, really, couldn’t find the two of them anywhere that Mai was starting to get worried. They had searched everywhere - literally every single fucking place in the school they could’ve been, and when they turned up nowhere, Mai had called everyone else in to help them out. 

The only place they hadn’t checked was the med-bay. Which they couldn’t. Because according to Shigeki, it was locked, or at the very least stuck. Once they took a better look at it, Mai’s stomach flipped over. Holy fuck. There was glue. It had been glued shut. That means someone had glued shut. 

Mai thinks back to Kazutoshi and the woodshop. She thinks about the woodshop, and it becomes so clear to her. 

They manage to bust down the door, using whatever they can. They grab shit from the arsenal. Shigeki, Nakamigawa and Takeshi all help push, while Ruiko and Wada do what they can. 

When they open the door, the stench isn’t the first thing Mai notices. 

All she can see is Kazutoshi's body, laid in the middle of the room, and Hasegawa, who had clearly been bleeding, laying atop of him. Hasegawa was definitely crying, from the way his face looked, and she bit back tears when she saw their interlocked hands, Hasegawa’s body practically cradling Kazutoshi’s. 

The body discovery announcement rings, and Mai has never felt this pathetic in her entire life. 

She should’ve known. She had basically fulfilled Kazutoshi’s last request the other night. She should’ve known. She should’ve known better. 

Holy fucking shit. 

Everyone is clearly freaking out, with Wada and Ruiko both bursting into tears when they see the sight. With further investigation the truth becomes obvious to her. She should've known. She should’ve known. 

She should’ve never let Kazutoshi leave that room by himself. 

“Not a double suicide. Toshi was- he was strangled to death, which means he would’ve had to die first, but looking at the stab wound on Hasegawa’s stomach, he was definitely stabbed first. It’s not shallow, but it’s not deep. He would’ve lived if he had gotten medical attention, but if he was locked in the room, he definitely bled out to death. He had enough time,” Mai says, her voice weak. ”I- Kazutoshi probably stabbed him. The depth makes sense for someone as weak as Toshi. Holy fuck- they- they killed each other. The handprints on Kazutoshi’s neck match up. They killed each other.” 

Ruiko is sobbing. “Why? Why would they do that? What the fuck? Why?” 

“Was the fight that bad? Did they hate each other so much they had to die? Why? That doesn’t make any sense! They would- Kazutoshi would never - it doesn’t even matter what Kazutoshi would or wouldn’t do. Ken- Ken wouldn’t kill Kazutoshi!” 

“Look at his face, Ruiko,” Shigeki whispers. 

They look so calm. Like they had both accepted this, like they were both happy before they died, and Mai hates it. No matter what either of them would’ve said, Mai knows Kazutoshi. And maybe she knew Ken enough too, because there was no way either of them were happy with dying. 

They both had things to return to after this. 

It’s safe to say it’s the quietest, least argumentative trial of all time. Without a doubt, the culprits of this case were Kamimura Kazutoshi and Hasegawa Ken. 

Both killers and victims.

Maybe they felt trapped. Maybe there hadn’t been a better choice. Maybe they were trying to rationalize and come to terms with what they’ve done throughout this entire killing game. 

It wouldn’t matter, because both of them are dead now. 

Both of them are dead, and Mai desperately, hopelessly wishes that like Hama, they would meet somewhere in heaven. That while not alive, they would finally be able to find some peace within themselves and each other. 

-

Is it over? 

My life is over? 

No, no, no, no, there was so much I wanted to do. 

I wanted to get out of here and meet Ken’s parents. I wanted to meet Mao. I wanted to go out with Ken, have fun, go to the library, and come home and watch Ken on TV. I wanted to live with him, make my life with him, and have him all to myself. 

I wanted to be with Ken forever. 

But it’s all gone now. 

Is it? Is the afterlife real? What comes after death? What comes to a terrible person like me, who used Ken until my last dying breaths? To me, who convinced myself that such a lovely, caring person was just as deserving of death as I was? 

I don’t know. 

Because there might be paradise after death. There might be hell. There might be nothing. 

I just hope Ken is happy. 

Maybe we could’ve been in another life. I wonder if in some other universe, I had died at Okazaki's hands. I wonder if that had happened, if Ken would’ve been able to live on without me. 

I guess I’m a little happy that Ken killed me more than Okazaki. 

I don’t know. 

If maybe we hadn’t destroyed each other, if we had thought about each other a little more than ourselves, would we be okay? Or is it maybe that we thought too much of each other instead? 

I don't know. 

It doesn’t matter anymore. 

Because I’ve died, and so has Ken. 

Because me and Ken have both reached our ends, by my own selfish hand. 

I’m sorry, Ken. 

I hope if I see you again, you can forgive me. 

Because I’ve already forgiven you. 

Obviously, since, well. 

I love you.