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Perry had been wrapping up his follow up discussion with Monogram, all about his latest thwarting of Doofenshmirtz when the Major looked at him in that way that signaled that something a little more off topic was about to be asked. Not that Perry minded, he just would have rather been sleeping somewhere near Phineas and Ferb than performing an overtime he wasn't going to get paid for.
"Ahh...I hate to ask this, Agent P, but did Doofenshmirtz mention yet why he returned to evil?" Major Monogram asked. "It's been a while now and Carl and I have a bet on the subject...so, did the evil scientist, perhaps, let any little informational tidbit drop?"
The platypus shook his head.
"Nothing...you don't have any idea?"
Perry shrugged now, noncommittally, his palms pointed at the ceiling.
"Shoot," Monogram sighed.
"I'm telling you, Sir, it has to be something he doesn't want to talk about," a voice could be heard from off screen. "Something really embarrassing!"
"Oh and why is that, Carl? Why can't it just be that he missed me...I mean our interest in what he was doing?" the boss grilled the intern.
"Because, there's nothing that Doofenshmirtz likes doing more than talking...besides building inators, that is. And so, I reason, if he's returned to doing evil it must have been something really bad, something so embarrassing and disgraceful he can't tell Perry or anybody about it...well, maybe the Murphys know, but maybe it's so bad even they don't want to talk about it!"
"Now you're just being silly, Carl! Something so bad even the family he was staying with can't talk about it? I never took you for a conspiracy theorist...well, I should have, but I never did...sheesh...a backstory so embarrassing and disgraceful that Doofenshmirtz doesn't want to talk about it! Oh brother."
"Well, it was just a suggestion, Sir."
"A bad one, Carl. Well, anyway, Agent P, if you ever find out, report it back to us. By the way...Agent Teen has been leaving us messages. It seems, she's been anxious to work on another case with you! Seems you have inspired the next generation, leading them to a sense of law and decency! Good work, Agent P! I salute you!"
Perry returned the salute and chattered, then he hopped out of the chair, intending to get some much deserved rest.
Doofenshmirtz really had been going out of his way to be evil, it seemed.
The question of why was actually one his nemesis had asked himself quite a few times as well. Why had Doof reverted to his evil ways? He had actually seen the man shortly before it had happened, just a few days actually...Candace had been walking him, her suggestion, right before school had let out. They'd bumped into the scientist walking the Murphy's dog, Diogee, but aside from a kind of uncomfortable mishap, things had seemed okay...
Returning to Phineas' bed and hiding his fedora, Perry guessed that it was just one of those things: Heinz Doofenshmirtz just liked being evil.
His mind drifted to a few weeks back, two hapless humans standing on the sidewalk with a platypus and a dog swirling around them...
Unless...
"Is that your car key?"
Nah, the Secret Agent thought with a shudder. It couldn't be that...
That was just too embarrassing and disgraceful to consider...
Not to mention disturbing.
If it had anything to do with that, Perry didn't want to know, especially since he'd had a hand in causing it...sometimes ignorance really was bliss, he supposed...
The very reason why knowing, or, at least, telling, the truth, wasn't always for the best.
* * *
Having just gotten off of the phone with Milo Murphy, the only person in the Murphy family he was still on speaking terms with, besides Diogee whom technically didn't speak, Heinz Doofenshmirtz revisted the inators that he'd brought back with him from the house he'd been staying at after the great Pistachion attack.
He still marvelled at how quickly they had managed to rebuild the building following his pleading...no request...following his request. Especially after two kids, a red head and a green haired boy, had joined in. It was like, what, a day or two with them in command? That was impressive. Those two definitely had a future, whether or not he'd see it as Professor Time or just plain old Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz.
If they'd been in on it all along, infact, maybe it would have gotten done faster, he realized. But they'd probably been at school at the time. Didn't matter...he still wished they wouldn't have been so he could have avoided the embarrassing and disgraceful situation that had led to his departure from the Murphy household.
"Gee, I'm still sorry about that, Dr. D," he could still hear Milo apologizing from just a few minutes ago. "If Zack hadn't been playing with your old inators again, maybe none of this would have happened, and my parents and Sara would still feel comfortable mentioning you. Zack should have known better after he turned his hands into feet!"
"It's okay," Doof had replied. "I, just like you, Milo, should expect stuff like that to happen to me sooner or later, I guess. It was just Murphy's law, and I was in your house so..."
"Murphy's law won out again," Milo finished. "I just wish you might have been spared. Especially from something so embarrassing and disgraceful. Falling boulders and light fixtures are one thing but that...well that was another."
Milo had seemed so apologetic and guilt ridden, but now, looking at the inator that had caused it all, Doof realized that it wasn't even all of the boy's or the invention's fault. Rolling the revamped inator out on to his perfectly reconstructed balcony, Doof studied it and gradually accepted the truth that if he hadn't been stuck in such a tricky situation with a certain orange-haired, long-necked, big-mouthed friend of Vanessa's to begin with, he could have still been back at the Murphy's, earnestly trying to do good and become Professor Time.
Afterall, it wasn't always telling the truth that got you into trouble, but rather that the truth was what it was that finally did you in.
Standing at the balcony's edge, with the same dazzling view of all of Danville now returned to him, Heinz studied the many sidewalks below, many of them featuring citizens out innocently walking their pets, and he remembered with a certain pain and pleasure how walking the dog had led him back home...
* * *
"Vanessa's dad? That's you, right?"
A few weeks ago, when his old DEI building had been little more than a pile of rubble and debris downtown, Heinz Doofenshmirtz had been out walking the Murphy's pet dog, Diogee, when he heard a familiar voice interrupt the thoughts he'd also been out walking of how he was ever supposed to become Professor Time when he was out walking the family dog. He looked up to find an equally familiar face to that familiar voice, out walking her own dog, or rather just an ordinary, run of the mill pet platypus, as if that was suddenly a thing in Danville. Was that even legal, he wondered? Wasn't there some law about exotic pets, especially from foreign places like Australia and Pittsburgh?
"Vanessa's little friend?" he asked, knowing her face very well, but still struggling with her name, as he oftentimes did with people. It wasn't personal. He'd been living with the Murphy family for quite a while now and still really only knew and regularly used Milo's name on a regular basis.
"Candace...I'm Candace...Candace Flynn?" she reminded, coming closer with her platypus in tow.
He continued to stare at her blankly, not knowing how to break it to her that he didn't know her name and wasn't likely to remember it anytime soon either. He did remember the neck, however. That was hard to forget. And the big mouth. And her hair, which happened to be the exact shade of his favorite color...a color he probably would never deserve.
"I know you...I just don't know the name," he answered, deciding to be honest, although he had an inator for that back home. "I'm just not good with names...I have too much going on up here," he said, pointing at his head. His eyes unintentionally went to the young woman's chest, noticing that, though it had almost been a year, she still didn't have much going on up there...not that he was intentionally looking! It was just an observation. One made by an officially licensed Doctor. He'd paid good money for that piece of paper, afterall.
"That makes so much sense," Vanessa's little friend remarked and smiled brightly. "Vanessa was always telling me about all of the interesting things that happened to you or you did...And I saw some of your inventions firsthand, remember?"
They both shivered at that memory, time looping over and over again and getting shorter and shorter and things disappearing. Only they both had been immune, not that they'd even discussed it. Middle-aged evil scientists didn't get together with pubescent girls unless they wanted to get investigated a whole lot sooner. Not that he was evil anymore, Doofenshmirtz thought. Now he had turned over a new leaf.
Just as Diogee was trying to do then, as he looked for somewhere to go, the purpose of this long walk.
Doofenshmirtz tried to ignore the little doggy doing its business as the young, pretty, little friend of his daughter insisted on chatting with him. It wasn't the worst thing that could have befallen him while encountering someone he knew...He supposed, Diogee could have been humping his leg, but still it was rather embarrassing. Luckily, she was going on about having not seen Vanessa much recently, and how hopefully that would change now that summer was coming up soon.
"Yeah, she's been working as an intern at this...at this place. I'm sure you'll bump into her."
The girl looked almost sad and a little bit shy as she said, "I miss going to your place to see her...that was always fun."
If he was being honest, he kind of missed the old place too. Even missed seeing this girl, whom he couldn't remember the name of. She was one of Vanessa's nicer friends, even if she chose to dress like a clown for some reason. Maybe she would grow out of it...Hadn't Vanessa dressed like that once last summer? Of course, that had lasted only a day, and her little friend had been wearing that fashion all this time without change. He started to wonder what she'd look like in something else, his eyes mentally undressing her, when he remembered the one problem he didn't like concerning when the girl came to visit...
"Hey...uh...Vanessa's dad...is your dog...?"
Doofenshmirtz suddenly looked down to see Milo's dog circling round about them. For some reason it kept going round and round...and then Vanessa's little friend's platypus started going around in the opposite direction, looking like he was trying to urge the dog to move in the opposite direction.
"I...don't think...that...this..."
But it was too late, with all of the circling, he was being pulled closer to Vanessa's friend, while she was drawn equally nearer to him. She didn't seem to be helping either with all of her flailing and panicking and soon they were smashed up against each other, like those two dalmatian owners in that old Disney film...or a sandwich with no middle.
"Well, this is unexpected," he remarked. "And by that I mean, totally unexpected. It's also embarrassing...and by that I mean completely barrassing."
"What?" the girl he was now tied to asked, and he couldn't find the breath to say that he realized - whilst feeling around to try to escape, mind you - that she wasn't wearing any underwear, but why she wasn't...well that was another thing he wasn't going to ask.
"I think we should probably just take a moment and stop moving," he suggested. "Then we can start untangling..."
"Got it," she said.
And actually followed it for about thirty whole seconds.
She then went right back to struggling against him, with his body reacting in the only natural way that it knew how, as embarrassing and mortifying as that was, considering she was what, a year younger than his own teenaged daughter?
"Is it hot to you?" he asked. "Cause I feel hot."
"Well, it is summer," she commented, rubbing against him some more.
Her body felt a year older...even if it didn't look it. In a few months, it would almost be a year since she had turned on his Do-Over-Inator, and things were starting to happen, he could feel it now even if he couldn't see it. He'd had a few girlfriends during his teen years in Gimmelshtump, and he remembered a few attempts at heavy petting and what they had felt like. The girl was at that stage of growing into her womanhood...and his own body was appreciating it, wishing she was there already. And so, almost a year after the debacle with the Do-Over-Inator, the same girl had turned something else of his on, which could lead to another disaster, just as equally unintentional.
Although maybe the other was intentional...he'd never asked her...Was this one intentional? Oh, he wished it was because he wouldn't need to feel so bad about it feeling so good then!
No.
No.
It was unintentional.
It had to be. She was just a teenager, for crying out loud, and he was most commonly mistaken as an elderly pharmacist by her peer group.
Them all being lost to peer pressure, so her, no doubt, just seeing him as that too.
As older as he was from her, however, he was feeling lost to his own specific pressure...
"Why is this leash so long?" she moaned, her breath hot and moist on his neck and sending up a shockwave throughout his body.
She moved around some more, jumping...lurching...GRINDING!!!
Wait? Why did it feel like she was grinding?
Doofenshmirtz became even stiffer, all as the dog and the platypus looked frustratingly oblivious and dumb around them.
"Wait! Is that your car key?" she suddenly inquired and Heinz turned beet red, aware she'd become aware of what he was hoping she wouldn't.
"Yes...yes, that is my car key," he grimaced, a bead of sweat rolling off of his forehead, grateful that a certain inator was safely in the shed back at Milo's.
"Wow! What is it you drive anyway? That thing is really big! It must be one of those cumbersome European models, right?"
"Mmm hmmm," he sounded, through bared teeth.
She was moving again and he exhaled, stifling it before it became either a groan or moan. Why was the girl now moving around even more excitedly?
"Wait, maybe if I..."
"No!" Heinz screeched as he predicted the right move she was about to make, which was exactly the wrong move. They both fell on to the sidewalk, him on top of her, despite his difference in size. Luckily, Milo's doggy broke her fall and than ran squealing out from under her. Now he saw what it had been chasing too...
A mouse?
Of all things...a mouse?
What was that even doing on the sidewalk?
"Tell me you didn't crack your head?" Doof demanded in desperation, honestly frightened for her and forgetting about the rodent.
"I...I didn't," she panted, breathlessly.
That was good to hear, only there was quickly a new problem developing, which was just a new horizontal development on the old vertical one: now she was squirming beneath him and that caused a whole new level of appreciation inside of his body.
Wriggle, wriggle.
Right beneath him.
Outright squirming, the leash now hitching up to her middle, as her legs parted and she squirmed on the pavement like those worms you saw lying there on rainy days.
"Ahh...I don't think that's a...a good idea," Heinz said, trying to keep it together as certain areas were throbbing that he really shouldn't, it felt too good not to just lie there and enjoy.
But, naive as the girl was, she insisted on doing it. She kept squirming and rubbing against Heinz until he felt the crotch of his grey pants pressing into the unshielded and vulnerable area underneath her skirt, which felt so wonderfully warm, soft and inviting. He tried to back off, but she struggled some more, pulling him back in, like she almost wanted him there or felt more comforted that way.
Suddenly her face looked strange, her eyes popping out as she closed her mouth, her teeth digging into her bottom lip. Doof was afraid she had died or something, which would have made this even more difficult in explaining to the police. However, then a weird look stole over her face, the sort that Charlene used to get whenever she momentarily forgot to ask him for a divorce.
"Are you okay?" he asked, feeling like he was intruding somehow.
"Hee hee hee hee hee hee...yeah," the girl said rather dreamily.
That was good, Heinz thought, luckily her not having brain damage afterall...the ramifications hadn't been too bad...but he was not so lucky...
He was still having a problem with his...car key...
And a certain blueness down below from all of the pressure he was experiencing.
"Uhmm...if you don't mind, I...I think I should head...I mean go home...yes, I need to walk the cute doggy home now. Right now."
"Sure," Vanessa's little friend said, her face strangely pink, her lips parted and moistened. "Yeah, that sounds good."
He had the strongest urge to kiss her, but fought it. He'd zapped men for doing far less to Vanessa!
She'd become so relaxed, Doof managed to finally sort out the business with the leash, while all he could feel was tense and...stiff. Yup. He definitely felt stiff. When he managed to stand, more slouched over than usual, he looked down to find the girl still lying on the sidewalk, that same dazed look on her face.
"Uhmm...Vanessa's little friend...I don't mean to ask it again, but...are...are you sure you're alright?"
Even her platypus was coming over to inspect her smiling face.
She giggled. "All right...yeah...I've never felt better...I feel WONDERFUL!" She started to play with her skirt in an equally odd manner, moving her legs oddly and squirming again.
Despite his worsening excitement at the sight, Heinz managed to think, great. She probably had sustained brain damage afterall. Good luck trying to explain that one! If he had time he could have inspected her but, right now, not his problem! Right now he had a much bigger and urgent one. "Vanessa's little friend...I hate to leave you but...a...an emergency came up...yes...that is right, it came right up and if I don't want to get into trouble, I need to hand...handle it...do you understand? I've got to get a hand on it, right or left, it doesn't matter at this stage, I just need to put my hand on it, any one. Is that all right if I go and do that? I don't want to leave you here..."
He also didn't want to wind up in jail if anybody saw what was going on.
To his relief, the girl sat up, eyeing him strangely in a way that made him feel worse because it made him feel good, which wasn't helping. "I'm okay...don't you worry about me! I'm just fine. You go take care of your problem! It was a pleasure seeing you again, Vanessa's dad! Believe me, it was a real pleasure!"
She was shaking her pretty hair and biting her bottom lip with that invigorating look in her eye and Doofenshmirtz didn't mean to be rude, but he just grabbed Diogee and turned and ran away because he had to get out of there. Right away. He was in danger of making his problem her problem right in her too young and pretty face.
"We got to get home now!" he informed the puppy dog as he began an impressive sprint back to the Murphys'. "There's no place like home for what I gotta do."
Along the painful way, he passed the local Bowling Alley seeing the sign outside which read:
Special Early Bird Summer Sale! Blue Balls Back in Stock!
Shortly after that, he ran by the local Pool Hall as someone shouted out loudly,
"2 and 10 in the corner pocket!"
Bolting past the Fitness club, he saw Chad Van Coff bouncing on not one, but two similarly shaded excercise balls.
Finally, Doofenshmirtz reached home, where he tried to make it to the washroom with Diogee still covering him. Unfortunately, Milo approached him a few feet away from the door.
"Gee, thanks for walking Diogee, Dr. D. I just picked up some new toys at the pet store for him." The boy reached into his famous backpack and pulled out two identical items. "They also had them in pink, but's he's kind of disinterested in those you know, after that giant pink sphere in Octalia, so I just bought him two blue balls instead," Milo commented.
"Yeah great, Milo...now...HERE!" Heinz Doofenshmirtz shouted shoving the boy's dog into his chest and forcing him to catch him. "I really need to use the bathroom. As they say in Hawaii, this baby's about to blow!"
"I guess, when you gotta go, you gotta go," the boy said in understanding. "Unfortunately, I have to resort to wearing diapers because I never know if I will be able to get there in time. Which reminds me, since I just tried to go normally, the toilet won't flush and the taps aren't working, plus all the toilet paper just disintegrated. "
"Won't be a problem!" Doof replied, trying to erase that bit about Milo wearing a diaper from his mind as he swiftly closed the distance to the bathroom. Vaguely, and only vaguely, he registered Milo's guy friend calling out to him from somewhere behind, "Can I look through your old inators, Dr. D?"
"Yeah, sure, knock yourself out!" Heinz replied, hoping Milo's friend literally may knock himself out because he was really annoying him right now.
Now standing in the privacy of the bathroom, ignoring the state Milo had left it in, Heinz unzipped and paid far more attention to how bad of a state Vanessa's little friend had left him in.
She wasn't here now, though, so he could think of anybody he wanted to...any woman in the world to help relieve himself of the painful buildup she'd caused...
His background singers...Yes! They were perfect! He would think of each and every one of them, making his way through the chorus, and it didn't matter if he remembered their names or not because they all looked the same...
And they were all a fair deal cuter than the girl he had just left on the sidewalk.
No.
No.
If he was being honest he found her cute. Very cute, actually. He always had a thing for red heads and the color orange drove him crazy...
Just plain crazy with warm and fuzzy feelings...
Very fuzzy.
Did she have that color all over her body, he wondered?
No.
No!
NO!
He wasn't supposed to think about her, he was supposed to just leave her memory lying on the sidewalk also! She was just a child, well, not a child, but just a teenager, he was being gross...
Ohhhh! He was so mad at her suddenly, worked up as he was with still no release in sight because he was debating morals and wrestling with guilt! She had caused him this pain! She deserved punishment not him!
Suddenly, involuntarily, he pictured the long piece of flesh in his hand as being her long neck and he was wringing it...
And just as involuntarily, he pictured the length of flesh being inside of that throat instead and rubbing the back of her neck as she...
NO!
He slapped himself with his free hand. He had to think of someone else, anybody else, just not Vanessa's little friend...
Vanessa's pretty little friend.
Her sexy little friend wriggling underneath him.
Another slap.
Think of the background dancers...
Her lovely orange-hair...
That one girl he dated...the one who liked evil...
The way she always seemed so interested in him and so polite too...
Grulinda Boubenweir, the girl who used to like to throw cold water on him...NO! COLD WATER, COUNTERPRODUCTIVE! BAD IDEA!
The way her lips had glistened with hot saliva under the sun...
Perry in a dress...
The way Vanessa's friend's lips had also blown that bit of hot, moist breath onto his skin, and the resulting goose pimples all over his body...
Dr. Gevaarlijk, his old professor...
The way she hadn't been wearing underwear...
Milo's Mom...even though he called her mom too...
The way she had squirmed and pressed against him...
The way she'd felt so good when he'd been allowed under her skirt...
The way, whenever a knock had come to the door, or the doorbell had sounded, back at the old DEI building, he had always hoped it would be her...
His thoughts about what she could do with those knocking, ringing hands and with that big mouth and long throat she said hello to him with...
A girl who would be a woman in a few years...and whose age wasn't that big of an obstacle, not when he was destined to become Professor Time. He thought of her all grown up, like one of his dancers, only better...and how they could sing and dance together and make beautiful music together...
Make beautiful love...
Heinz Doofenshmirtz finally let himself go with a wild abandonment, earning his reward soon after. The pressure suddenly reached its unleashing in a heavy torrent that probably would sound like he was just running the faucet full blast if anyone walked by. He honestly fell backwards, his mind swimming with several unforned thoughts as he lay against the wall, smiling goofily.
He'd done it, he told himself.
And luckily he'd been thinking about his background singers the whole time.
A few minutes later, he emerged from the washroom, vigorously wiping his hand on a towel. He threw it into the hamper and then went to find the rest of the Murphy family. It turned out that most of them were in the living room, watching the TV.
There was Milo and his dog and his friend, the girl one, sitting on the floor. And there was mom and dad, resting on the couch. And there was Milo's sister, as well, sitting in a chair.
And there was Abe Lincoln standing there too.
Well some animatronic of him that Milo's other friend, the guy one, was playing around with.
An animatronic that looked really familiar.
Uh oh, Doof thought right before the modified Tell-the-Truth-Inator doomed him with its truth-telling ray.
"Hey, Dr. D!" Milo greeted. "What took you so long?"
"Well, I was up in the bathroom masturbating to some teenaged girl that I'm really horny for," Heinz Doofenshmirtz answered with more truth than he'd even offered to himself.
Everyone looked in unison from him to Milo's sister, whom looked like she was actually going to be sick.
"Oh no," Heinz Doofenshmirtz rushed to explain, waving his hands about. "You don't have to worry, it wasn't that teenage girl...it was another one. Actually, she's one of my daughter, Vanessa's, best friends, although she's like a full year younger than her...She's younger than you too, Milo's sister...but she's not as young as Milo's friend there, which, thank goodness, or it would make me look really bad...Although, I used to evaporate boys for even saying hello to my 16 year old daughter, so I guess that makes me a hypocrite besides..."
They had all turned to look at him again, Milo's one friend even leaving behind the Abe Lincoln animatronic, so he could join his friends sitting on the floor and grab a bag of potato chips as he watched the disaster unfolding.
Doofenshmirtz cringed and smiled, rubbing the back of his head as he further tried to explain things, but with the truth only coming out instead. "Actually, saying all this, I don't only feel like a hypocrite, I feel really evil...yes...so...I think I should forget this whole Professer Time stuff and if it happens, you know, just let it happen...Actually, I think it might have happened back there with your toilet, the one I was masturbating over. Afterwards, I kind of fell back, because it was that powerful of an orgasm, I mean, wow, I haven't managed something like that since I was a teenager, and I think I hit my head on the wall and this whole time thing popped into my mind, I think I will call it the flux-de-constipator, no, I know, the name needs work, I know...it was probably just a bad joke...But obviously being bad just comes a whole lot easier to me so I should just go back to that. Plus that young girl I was telling you about, once again not yours, she mentioned she missed coming to my old building and seeing my daughter, and so, since I kind of want her to come over more often so I can walk my dog, not yours, after she's gone and I'm remembering her, I think I'm going to go and have them rebuild my DEI building so then I can walk that dog in my own home, and again not yours, you know...because this...this whole thing here now...awkward. Thank you. I think I'll be going now."
He turned and headed for the door, completely mortified and planning to collect his belongings from Doofenshmirtz Good Incorporated. However, thinking of something suddenly, he immediately peeked hos head back in. "But, you know what, since I'm still on that whole Tell-the-Truth-Inator vibe, just to be clear, I should tell you I would never, NEVER hurt that young girl. Actually, I think I'm kind of in love with her and I think it's best I wait until she's older and maybe use that whole Professor Time thing to conquer the difference in our ages...like maybe that's my real underlying motivation...so...just to be sure, I'm not exactly a pervert so nobody has to call the police. Again. Thank you. And goodbye."
He then offered another embarrassed grin before heading back out, Diogee barking in a farewell and a "Thank you for walking me!"
The Murphys and their guests all exchanged glances that betrayed their discomfort, all except for Zack, whom resumed eating from out of the bag.
"Yo, I don't think we should tell Cavendish about any of this," Zack suggested before chomping down on a potato chip. "I'm thinking he'd have one major freakout if he knew that his hero invented time travel all so he could get it on with his daughter's best friend. He'd probably just go rogue again which would make Dakota all mopey and depressed."
After a few seconds of utter silence, a chorus of yeahs, yeses and I agrees, plus a solitary bark, rang out through the Murphys' living room as they all resumed watching the Dr. Zone Marathon, trying to forget they had heard what they had just heard.
* * *
Now back at the rebuilt Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated building, Heinz Doofenshmirtz stood beside the Tell-the-Truth-Inator, just grateful to be back home, even if he had needed to be thoroughly humiliated to do it.
All because he had told the truth.
That he was in love with a girl younger than his own daughter.
He wished that he knew where Vanessa's little friend lived so he could properly thank her for it all too.
"Ah well," Doof said, patting Abe Lincoln on the back twice. "Maybe some day."
The not-so-good-not-quite-Doctor then walked back into his apartment, wondering when the aggravating orange-haired girl would pay his daughter another visit, so he could once more be properly motivated to walk his dog.
Meanwhile, across Danville, the Tell-The-Truth-Inator blasted its beam right towards the Flynn-Fletcher household.
In her room, lying in her bed, Candace Flynn was busy talking away on the phone to her best friend, Stacy Hirano, whom she was supposed to meet that day. "I don't know, Stacy...I just don't feel like going to the mall today, I'm not exactly feeling well and I think I should just take it easy and stay at home."
A beam suddenly burst through the young woman's window, hitting her where she was lying lazily on her back.
"Actually," Candace suddenly confessed, the phone still close to mouth and ear, "I've been so busy, what do they call it...clicking the mouse...I've been so busy doing that, that I don't feel like going anywhere. I'm like so busy doing that, like any chance I can get, that I only stop to try to bust Phineas and Ferb...which I only went back to busting so that I can have a distraction, but also so that nobody would realize what I'm doing when I'm all alone...and why I keep coming up with excuses to visit Vanessa at that weird looking building, all so I can see her hot dad and get more clicking fuel. So...I really don't feel like going to the mall today. I should go to that weird building to see him again instead. See right before summer, I met Vanessa's dad while I was walking Perry...actually, I just walked Perry, hoping I would bump into him, because it's been an outrageously long time since I got the chance to see him...I've always found him really, really cute for some inexplicable reason, and I missed seeing him so much that I devised this plan and just wandered aimlessly around the city with Perry until I found him. But then...that wasn't enough for me...I wanted to get closer to him. Like really close...Close enough to feel his lab coat...turns out, that's not all I felt...hee hee hee hee...And, so, I caused the dog he was walking to loop around us both, by dangling a mouse covertly around, so we'd be pushed together...like really together...and then I kind of started rubbing up against him...and then I think I felt his, you know. I think I made it get all big and hard. I mean, it was so huge! It made Jeremy's feel like an eraser stub...hee hee. Then, I had us fall to the ground so I could feel it right where I needed to because, ugh...I was so fricken horny! Then my body did this thing, you know that thing, the thing it's supposed to do, what we always hear about but fear we'll never actually get? It did that and he was lying all on top of me looking so cute and apologetic and still feeling so swollen and angry, that I tell you, Stac, I almost melted into the sidewalk. It felt so fricken good, I can't believe it and all I think about is him and his...I'm sorry, but I feel like last summer lasted like 8 fricking years! And I have all of this pent up, weird adult feelings stirred up inside of me, like I should be 23 years old by now and not still worrying about licenses and stuff...I mean, I really want to try out Vanessa's dad's stick shift, if you know what I mean, that's what I really want to be doing...so I've been at home imagining that when I'm not coming up with excuses to go and see him. Gah! I wish I was older! I wish I could take him and...and..."
Candace realized suddenly that her friend had been quiet throughout all of this and began to worry that she might have said too much...she began to wonder what had even made her say it all to begin with! Was it Phineas and Ferb's fault? Or had she really needed to get it off her chest? "Gee, I'm sorry Stac..." she apologized suddenly, turning the color of her shirt. "That was an awful lot to unleash on you...Maybe you're uncomfortable thinking about me having a crush on one of my friend's fathers? Are you okay with that, Stacy? Please tell me you don't think I'm weird!?!"
"Actually I'm not Stacy I am the AI program she's been using to talk to you," a voice made to sound just like Stacy Hirano replied on the other end. "But don't worry...She will not think you are weird. The reason she visits your house so often is because she has a crush on your brother's pet platypus. Infact, odds are she's having a bath right now and, as you called it, 'clicking the mouse' while she's thinking about him. Goodbye. I hope that helps and have a nice day."