Archive of Our Own ^beta

Obi-Wan sighs audibly as Anakin follows him back to his quarters at his heel.

“Hondo. Hondo Ohnaka. The pirate and scumbag who drugged us and held us for ransom. That Hondo.” Anakin repeats for what feels like the hundredth time.

They’d run into Hondo on a planetary stopover where they and most of the men had taken a few hours to stretch their legs on solid ground while the fleet restocked its fuel and supplies.

Anakin had suggested getting a drink, while they had the opportunity, and Obi-Wan had agreed. In retrospect he regrets it now. But he hadn’t known they’d somehow stumble into the one bar that just happened to contain Hondo Ohnaka and a small band of his pirates drinking in a booth.

Hondo had spotted them first, and he’d come over and flirted with Obi-Wan blatantly enough that even Anakin picked up on it. And naturally got pissed off and snippy, as Anakin does when faced with someone flirting with Obi-Wan. Hondo had reacted to Anakin’s less than subtle attempts to get him to back off by more or less revealing that he’d already gotten into Obi-Wan’s pants.

Obi-Wan had wanted to throw his hands up and pray to the heavens then, but as always, his dignity came first. So he’d merely raised a brow and looked unimpressed. Hondo had shot him an unrepentant smile that wasn’t attractive, Obi-Wan told himself firmly.

Anakin has not been taking the news well, since they left the bar shortly after that.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business Anakin. And it’s not like he tried to kill us. You weren’t this offended when you thought I’d slept with Ventress.” Obi-Wan replies dryly.

Anakin is extremely territorial about that which he considers ‘his’ in any capacity. Which includes Obi-Wan. Or at least Obi-Wan’s attention. Which is why he’s always trying to bat potential suitors off Obi-Wan with a stick. Sometimes it’s frankly appreciated, if it’s an overzealous mark on a negotiation mission, but other times…

Other times all Anakin seems to be doing is stopping Obi-Wan from having a good time. Which he doesn’t appreciate at all. At least Obi-Wan’s type tends to be the sort of self-confident who aren’t all that cowed by Anakin’s intimidation tactics. Usually. Not always.

“Yes. Well- wait no actually. I would have been just as scandalised if you’d slept with a Sith.” Anakin stammers, getting flustered by Obi-Wan’s wordplay.

For all Anakin’s quibbling, Obi-Wan suspects he knows that Obi-Wan would never sleep with someone who’d seriously tried to kill Anakin at some point. And Ventress certainly has done that, more than once.

“I don’t see how a vaguely honourable pirate is worse than a Sith, anyhow.” Obi-Wan shakes his head. His quarters are in sight now, which is good. They’ve already passed multiple clones in the halls who’ve pretended not to listen to their conversation while Obi-Wan despairs.

“That’s just it! He’s a pirate!” Anakin exclaims. Even without having turned to look back at him, Obi-Wan can imagine the accompanying arm gestures just fine.

They reach the door and both come to a stop. Obi-Wan, loathe as he does to egg Anakin on further, can’t help but shoot him a ‘so?’ look over his shoulder as he inputs the code.

“He’s not good enough for you! Not even close!” Anakin hisses as the door opens and they both step into the small room.

At least the rest of this stupid conversation won’t be seen by an audience, Obi-Wan comforts himself.

Obi-Wan gives his former Padawan a very flat look as he says, “And who is Anakin? You aren’t usually this incensed but you don’t think Quinlan is good enough. Nor Siri. Nor Bail. Nor-”

Anakin cuts him off with something that sounds strangely close to an actual growl, “Stop!”

Obi-Wan raises his eyebrows and holds his hands up in surrender. Genuinely a little shocked at the sound Anakin managed to make with his throat.

“No, none of them are good enough for you. None of them.” Anakin says with a finality that reveals he thinks this ends the argument. It does not.

“Not that it’s for you to decide who is good enough for me, but if not any of them, then who Anakin?” Obi-Wan asks, truly at a loss.

Anakin’s face spasms in a fascinating kind of way, and then his neck flushes. His eyes skate away from Obi-Wan’s, off to the side somewhere. He scratches the back of his head.

“No one. I don’t know. Not them.” Anakin mumbles semi-petulantly.

“So I am to be celibate for the rest of my life then? I’m sorry but that’s not a decision you get to make for me Padawan.” Obi-Wan tries to keep the irritation out of his voice. Sometimes he truly doesn’t understand Anakin at all, despite their years together.

Anakin’s nostrils flare and his back straightens. His flush spreads, turning his face red.

“Not your Padawan anymore! Stop treating me like a kid.” Anakin mutters angrily.

Obi-Wan’s eyes narrow to slits.

“I won’t if you don’t act like one. You don’t want my attention on anyone else ever, like a nagging child.” Obi-Wan says cuttingly.

“That’s not true!” Anakin says furiously, clenching his hands into fists at his side.

Obi-Wan eyes the display dispassionately.

“Then answer my question. Who is good enough for me?” He asks crisply.

Anakin freezes for the tiniest moment. He feels Anakin raise his shields just fast enough that Obi-Wan can’t decipher the flash of emotion that question elicits.

Anakin unfreezes. He clenches and unclenches his hands and says nothing, just breathing shortly through his nose.

“You don’t have an answer, because you’re just throwing a tantrum.” Obi-Wan says confidently.

For a moment devastation flickers over Anakin’s face, but then it’s gone. Replaced by fury. Obi-Wan braces for the inevitable blast of Anakin’s anger but it doesn’t come. Anakin’s expression slowly smooths until it’s unnaturally blank. His shoulders slump and he releases tension.

“Fine. Forget it. You’ll always see me as a kid. There’s no hope for me. I get it. I won’t bring it up again,” Anakin turns away, “I’ll keep my inconvenient feelings to myself in the future.”

Anakin hisses the words and then leaves the room before Obi-Wan’s even processed the meaning of what he’s said and can respond.

Obi-Wan stares at the door as he tries to make sense of Anakin’s sudden shift in mood and how his parting statement relates to the rest of the argument.

“Inconvenient feelings?” Obi-Wan ponders aloud.

He stares unseeingly as his brain draws towards a conclusion that is utterly ridiculous.

Anakin has feelings for him? What kind? Not…

Does Anakin…does Anakin want Obi-Wan to sleep with him?

No. Surely not. No- Obi-Wan was his Master. No. He couldn’t- He can’t want-

Obi-Wan breathes out shakily. He needs to meditate. Look at this from every angle so he can safely come to the conclusion that this is an absurd notion and purge it to the Force.

Anakin can’t want him. He can’t.

◆

Anakin storms off in enough of a huff that clones jump out of his way when he moves through the corridors of the ship. He makes his way to a training room, needing a way to release his frustration desperately.

Obi-Wan seems determined to prove he will fuck any consenting being of age, if their name is not Anakin Skywalker, and it’s driving him to the edge of something.

Anakin knows he’s not exactly a catch, not to Obi-Wan. Not to the man that's seen him in his most petulant and pathetic moods. Who apparently can't see past them to the Knight and man Anakin has become. That he still sees the boy Anakin used to be. But that doesn’t mean it doesn't hurt to be slapped in the face with just how much Obi-Wan doesn’t want him specifically. That it's just him. He's not good enough. Never will be.

Not unattached enough. Anakin knows.

Even if Obi-Wan is unaware Anakin is in love with him—and the lack of lectures on the topic at any point would suggest so—he must be aware of Anakin’s feelings to some degree.

Which is just another mark against him, he's sure. Another reason Obi-Wan would never dare to touch him the way he craves.

Once he’s ascertained that the room is empty at the moment, he sets the training module to moderate level difficulty and slides into a defensive stance in the centre of the space. He waits for the first droid to shoot, sinking into the Force.

After an hour of non-stop training he’s not feeling any calmer. He’s taken to imagining the training droids are Hondo’s face as he attacks them, but it’s unsatisfying with his lightsaber set to it’s lowest setting. What he really wants to do is carve them in half. Carve Hondo’s smug face in half.

Muscles aching and vaguely sweaty, he is no closer to finding inner peace. The reality of Obi-Wan being willing to look at a scoundrel but not Anakin, the man who fights by his side day in and day out, saves his skin on the regular, cares about him, still making his chest ache like he has a knife buried between his ribs.

◆

Obi-Wan, after an hour of meditation, cannot find any other meaning to Anakin’s words.

Anakin wants him. He sits with that thought. What does he think of it?

Well, he doesn’t feel disgust. Nor mortification. Both reactions he would have expected from himself. But neither feeling comes.

Foolishly, he allows his mind to conjure an image of Anakin hovering over him in his bunk, thrusting inside him roughly, sweaty and mused as he moans into Obi-Wan’s throat. Obi-Wan’s cheeks immediately burn, and his cock stirs in his pants. He wipes the image away and curses himself for thinking it at all.

He tries to give his flush of desire to the Force, but he’s not stupid enough to be unaware of what it means.

Apparently, he desires Anakin. That’s news to him.

He’s never looked at his Padawan in such a way, never thought himself capable of looking at one in such a manner. But well…as Anakin says, he isn’t Obi-Wan’s student anymore. He hasn’t been for three years.

He comforts himself with that fact. Though it brings little respite from the cold creeping guilt.

He shouldn’t want such a thing. Could never act on it, not with their pre-existing attachment as it is. And Anakin isn’t the type for casual sex, that’s something Obi-Wan has been able to gather in his frequent and irritating scandalised reactions to Obi-Wan’s sex life.

Obi-Wan sighs and moves out of his meditative pose, getting up from the floor. He does need to speak to Anakin though. That much is clear. That brief look of devastation of Anakin’s face is haunting. Obi-Wan itches to fix it.

He gets up and goes in search of Anakin, following the blinding shine of him in the Force to a training room. Anakin is doing training sims alone in the centre of the space. He doesn’t break form or speak but he senses Obi-Wan step into the room, Obi-Wan can tell.

“Anakin can we talk?” Obi-Wan asks.

Anakin huffs and continues to reflect stun bolts and dodge around the training droids.

“We already did that. I’ve got nothing left to say.” Anakin’s voice is hard as he answers without looking at Obi-Wan.

Using the Force, Obi-Wan powers down the sim and walks towards Anakin in the middle of the room. Anakin gives him an annoyed look as he lowers his lightsaber and powers it down.

“Yes but there’s something I need to say. I’m sorry.” Obi-Wan says as he reaches Anakin. He squeezes Anakin’s shoulder once and then takes half a step back to maintain some distance between them.

Anakin is turned towards him but looking a little off to the side. A muscle in his jaw jumps.

“What for? Speaking your mind?” He responds.

“No. I didn’t realise…I genuinely didn’t realise why it bothered you Anakin. I wouldn’t have been so flippant as to be cruel, not on purpose.”

Anakin closes his eyes as his jaw tenses and a feeling of mortification swirls through his Force signature.

“Please stop. You know now. Great. I’d really like to never talk about this again. I do not need to hear a lecture about the appropriateness of my feelings. Please.” The last word comes out of Anakin’s mouth tinged with very real desperation as he opens his eyes and meets Obi-Wan’s own.

“I wasn’t going to lecture you. These kinds of feelings are natural, nothing to be ashamed of. It’s how you act and conduct yourself that matters. You can’t blow up at anyone on a mission who dares to look at me. You just can’t, Anakin.”

Anakin snorts, and it’s a somewhat miserable sound.

“Sounds like a lecture to me. I get it Obi-Wan, alright? You don’t feel the same. I need to keep my feelings to myself. I’ve known for years that you wouldn’t reciprocate if I tried.” Anakin says, looking at the floor.

An unwelcome shame fills Obi-Wan at the sight of Anakin so despondent and insecure. It’s a picture that feels wrong; Anakin is hardly ever like this. Shouldn’t be like this.

“That’s why you never said anything.” The words slip from Obi-Wan’s mouth without conscious thought.

Anakin jerks his head slightly in what passes for a half-hearted nod.

Anakin looks so small, in a way he shouldn’t. His eyes flick towards the door like he’s considering bolting. His brow furrows and his gaze returns to the floor. With a quiet but iron firm need to correct Anakin’s hurt, Obi-Wan knows he’s about to do something inadvisable before he even opens his mouth.

“Who would be good enough for me, Anakin?” Obi-Wan’s voice is soft but surer sounding than it should be, considering he didn’t know he was going to ask the question until he already had. He knows how dangerous this path is. He can’t lead Anakin on- he can’t be contemplating doing this-

Anakin’s head slowly rises, and he stares at Obi-Wan, expression transforming from confused to something that might be hope.

“Obi-Wan?” He sounds unsure.

Obi-Wan can’t do this. He should take it back. He must take it back. Backtrack somehow. He can. Words are his weapon. Five different ways to get out of this spring to mind, already on the tip of his tongue. But Anakin is looking at him with an undisguised hope that he just can’t bring himself to crush.

This is a beyond foolish idea. It’s attachment. To even entertain doing this is attachment. Anakin won’t just want this to be once. Nor even once every few years or so, like with him and Quinlan. No. He’ll want more than that. What he’ll want is utterly forbidden for them. But-

But somehow none of Obi-Wan’s excuses leave his lips.

“Answer the question, Padawan mine.” He says, emphasising the address in a way that he knows is scandalous in its connotations.

Something sparks in Anakin’s eyes, and a truly beautiful smile spreads across his face. One Obi-Wan can tell Anakin thinks is suave but is nothing even close to such. It’s terribly awkward, and it’s wonderfully endearing.

Anakin steps forward, right into the carefully curated space Obi-Wan left between them. He doesn’t stop until the toes of his boots touch Obi-Wan’s and he’s crowding him.

“Me. If you’ll let me, Master. I’ll be everything you need.” Anakin says, tone dark but sweet as well.

It’s a better line than Obi-Wan’s ever heard from him before. Which isn’t a high bar, but it’s something.

Anakin’s hand reaches for him slowly, giving Obi-Wan plenty of time to pull away before it settles on his jaw.

Obi-Wan’s stomach flips at the taboo of it all. It makes him hesitate, just for a moment. With a mental shake he unsticks himself from his indecision.

He reaches up to pull Anakin down, tilting his head to angle their lips to meet as he murmurs, “Show me.”

◆

Anakin can’t quite believe it. He’s kissing Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan is letting him kiss him. It’s wonderful and electrifying and also a little terrifying. Anakin has to pull out every trick he knows. Do every bit of this perfectly.

He has to prove to Obi-Wan that he'll never need anyone else. Just Anakin.

Just him.

He turns his head and cups Obi-Wan’s jaw with both of his hands as he deepens the kiss. Pressing his tongue hotly into the shorter man’s mouth. Obi-Wan lets him, meeting him with the same fervour.

Anakin kisses him senseless, until he has to pull back so they can both breathe. Obi-Wan pants against his mouth.

“How much proof do you need? Should I show you in my quarters?” Anakin asks huskily.

Obi-Wan’s eyes, which have been staring at his lips, flick up to meet his, they’re dark. Pupils blow wide. Anakin watches the way Obi-Wan bites his lip between his teeth, hypnotised.

“Lead the way.” Obi-Wan answers, voice low and rough.

Anakin can’t hold back the triumphant smirk making it’s way onto his lips as he encircles Obi-Wan’s wrist with his mechano-hand and pulls him from the room.