Chapter Text
Act I – The Arrival
The carriage clattered into the capital gates with all the grace of a drunken ground dragon. Inside, Subaru was still curled in the fetal position, muttering “Polygon… polygon… polygon…” while Beatrice gently patted his hair like a nurse attending to a trauma patient.
Shaula, by contrast, was radiant, practically glowing with her newfound determination. Her long braid snapped with every bounce of the wheels, like the stinger of a scorpion prepared to kill at the mere hint of disrespect.
Her proclamation was still echoing in everyone’s ears:
“I SHALL MARRY MASTER AND THE FOXY GODDESS! AND OUR SILVER MAIDEN TOO, IF SHE SO DESIRES!”
Nobody had managed to talk her down. Nobody wanted to try.
By the time the carriage stopped, Emilia was still flushed, Anastasia was humming happily, Julius was praying silently, and Ram was preparing insults to last the week.
The moment they stepped out, the two camps were waiting.
Act II – The Camps
On one side, the Emilia Camp:
- Emilia herself, still unsure if she’d just agreed to a desert harem pact.
- Subaru, who looked like someone had taken his soul and run it through a blender. Well, more than usual.
- Beatrice, smug and self-satisfied.
- Otto, already pale with dread.
- Garfiel, cracking his knuckles, suspicious of everything.
- Ram, standing at the back with her arms folded.
- Frederica, polite but confused.
- Petra, waving enthusiastically, unaware of the storm about to hit.
- Roswaal was, mercifully, unavailable, which meant slightly fewer migraines for everyone.
(And less pain for me the writer, I hate writing Roswaal).
On the other side, the Anastasia Camp:
- Anastasia, smiling sweet as honey and twice as dangerous.
- Julius, resigned to disaster.
- Ricardo, arms crossed, tail flicking, already muttering about “weird vibes.”
- Mimi, bouncing up and down yelling “Gaaarfiiieee!!”
- Hetaro, wringing his hands nervously.
- Tivey, sighing as if his very soul had aged a decade.
Both groups eyed each other warily, like cats shoved into the same cage.
And then Shaula strode between them.
“ATTENTION, FUTURE FAMILY MEMBERS!” she bellowed. “I HAVE COME TO ANNOUNCE OUR UNION!”
The silence that followed was so heavy, you could hear Subaru’s spirit crack.
Act III – The Proclamation
“Union?” Garfiel narrowed his eyes. “Oi, what the hell does ‘union’ mean? Ma’ amazin’ self don’t like the way yer usin’ it, lady.”
“Union of love!” Shaula cried, throwing her arms wide. “For I, Shaula, apprentice of the Great Sage, declare that Master Subaru, Lady Anastasia, and Lady Emilia must join me in sacred open matrimony! Therefore—” she jabbed a finger at both camps—“your groups must merge as one! An unbreakable alliance!”
The crowd erupted.
“WHAT?!” Otto screamed, voice cracking like glass.
“Polygamy and politics…” Julius groaned, already exasperated from the carriage ride here.
“Ohhh my god, it’s happening,” Subaru whispered in despair.
“Betty approves,” Beatrice said instantly, puffing her chest. “Twice the camp means twice the chance of babies, I suppose.”
“STOP SAYING BABIES, BAEKO!!” Subaru shrieked.
Emilia clasped her hands together nervously. “Um… but… if Shaula says it’s open… maybe it would be wrong to say no?”
“Emilia-tan, no!!” Subaru pleaded.
“Emilia, yes I suppose!!” Beatrice snapped.
Anastasia just laughed behind her scarf. “Well now. Looks like the apprentice has quite the business sense. More camps means more resources. I don’t mind sharin’.”
“SHARING IS NOT LOVE, IT’S COMMUNISM!” Subaru barked.
“I don’t even know what communism is, but I feel I don’t like it very much,” Otto mumbled, already scribbling furiously in his notebook.
Mimi raised her hand. “Does this mean we all get to live in the same big house?! Like one super camp?! That sounds AWESOME! We can have pillow fights every night!”
“Pillow fights with Shaula?” Hetaro deadpanned. “We’ll be lucky to survive.”
Shaula grinned, showing too many teeth. “I play rough.”
Everyone shivered.
Act IV – Negotiations
The two camps gathered in the Miload Mansion main hall, forced into a round table meeting. Subaru sat hunched in his chair like a condemned man, Beatrice perched smugly in his lap. Emilia kept sneaking glances at him, cheeks pink. Anastasia crossed her legs and smiled knowingly.
“Right,” Ricardo said finally. “I want this straight. The giant scorpion lady says she’s marryin’ our boss and yer boy, plus yer candidate. And we’re supposed to just… roll with it?”
“Yes,” Shaula said.
“No,” Subaru said.
“Yes,” Beatrice said.
“Yes,” Anastasia added.
“Yes?” Emilia squeaked.
“Nooo!!” Subaru howled.
“Look, Barusu,” Ram said, smirking, “whether you like it or not, this woman could kill us all in seconds. If she wants our camps merged, we merge.”
“She’s right,” Julius admitted, shame etched on his face. “The Watchtower taught us not to underestimate her.”
“Damn straight!” Shaula flexed her arms. “I’ll sting any dissenter!”
“You don’t even have a stinger in this form,” Otto muttered.
“I’LL FIND ONE.”
Otto screamed and hid behind Garfiel.
Garfiel bared his teeth. “Oi, if ya think I’m lettin’ some desert bug boss my Cap’n around—”
“QUIET!” Shaula barked. The walls rattled. Garfiel sat back down instantly, muttering curses.
Act V – Beatrice’s Blessing
“Betty says it’s fine, I suppose,” Beatrice declared, tugging Subaru’s sleeve like a mother scolding her child. “Two camps means more security for Subaru, and more stability for Emilia. If there’s romance on top of it, Betty will allow it.”
“Allow it?!” Subaru gawked. “You’re my daughter, not my marriage counselor!”
“I’m your daughter and future Natsuki Family Guardian, I suppose.”
“THAT IS NOT A TITLE!!”
”Yet, I suppose.”
But Beatrice had spoken, and her smug tone made it clear she would brook no dissent.
Act VI – Emilia’s Crisis
Emilia finally spoke, her voice soft. “I… I don’t know why, but… when I think of Subaru being with Anastasia, my chest hurts.” She pressed a hand to her heart. “But when I think of him being with Shaula… it hurts too. But Shaula said it’s open. So… maybe if I join, I won’t hurt anymore?”
The table went silent.
Subaru nearly fell out of his chair. “E-Emilia-tan, don’t say things like that so casually!!”
Her face went red. “W-Why not? If everyone else gets to say crazy things, why can’t I?!”
“…She has a point Barasu,” Ram muttered.
“No she doesn’t!!” Subaru cried.
Anastasia smirked. “I wouldn’t mind Emilia joinin’. I’m quite fond of silver hair. Quite erotic if you ask me.”
“STOP RECRUITING MY CRUSH INTO THE DESERT POLYGON AND SHUT IT!!” Subaru screamed.
He then suddenly calmed down, “Anastasia-san, please don’t say such things, there are children here.” He refers to the triplets, Meili, Petra, Garfiel and Beatrice.
“Betty is over four hundred years old, I suppose—!” She was indignant, she was not a child!
She was then immediately silenced.
Subaru started patting her head and she blushed furiously. It was extremely effective. Betty loves her Subaru’s head pats in fact.
Act VII – The Chaos Triplets
“Polygon?” Mimi tilted her head. “What’s a polygon?”
“It’s like a shape,” Tivey sighed. “But apparently also our lives now.”
“Yay shapes!!” Mimi cheered. “Can I be a triangle?!”
“You’re already obtuse,” Tivey muttered.
“Rude!!” Mimi kicked him under the table.
“Can I be a rhombus?” Hetaro asked nervously.
“No one wants to be a rhombus,” Julius said, massaging his temple.
“I DO!!” Hetaro squeaked.
“…Fine. You’re a rhombus.”
Act VIII – Otto Breaks
At last, Otto slammed his palms on the table. “This is madness! Absolute madness! Camps merging for political gain, I can understand. Camps merging because a scorpion-maiden insists she wants to marry our candidate and her knight, as well as a rival candidate?! That’s insanity!”
Shaula’s eyes glowed.
“BUT OF COURSE WE’LL AGREE!!” Otto shrieked instantly, backpedaling so fast he nearly fell out of his chair. “TOTALLY FINE, NO PROBLEM, LOVE POLYGONS, BIG FAN!!”
“…Coward,” Garfiel muttered.
Act IX – The Final Vote
Eventually, Anastasia cleared her throat. “Well, reckon we’d better make it official. Shall we put it to a vote?”
“Why are we voting on my love life?!” Subaru demanded.
“Because you’re not in charge Barasu. And because you deserve it,” Ram said simply.
“Betty votes yes, I suppose,” Beatrice said immediately.
“Of course ya do Baeko,” Subaru groaned, however was still patting her head.
“Ricardo votes… hell, fine, yes. Better than gettin’ stung.”
“Mimi votes yes because shapes are fun!”
“Hetaro votes yes because Mimi thinks shapes are fun!”
“I vote yes, the Boss would benefit from this alliance,” said the third triplet.
“Ram votes yes. Barusu’s suffering brings me joy.”
“Ma amazin’ self votes no!!” Garfiel barked.
“Shaula votes yes! Obviously!”
“Anastasia votes yes, sugar.”
All eyes turned to Emilia. She wrung her hands, blushing furiously. “…I… I vote yes.”
Subaru slammed his head into the table.
“Motion carried,” Julius said grimly. “The camps merge.” He genuinely felt sorry for his friend.
This, is what’s going on in Subaru’s mind at the very moment, the motion carried:
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
Act X – The Aftermath
And so, against all reason, logic, and dignity, the Emilia Camp and Anastasia Camp merged into one mega-alliance:
The Polygon Camp.
(Name courtesy of Mimi Pearlbaton)
Subaru wept.
Beatrice celebrated in his lap, wiping away his tears.
Shaula gloated.
Anastasia winked.
Emilia tried not to faint from blushing.
Julius prayed for death.
Ram smirked.
Otto suffered.
Garfiel threatened to punch someone.
Ricardo drank.
The triplets argued about who was which shape.
Petra started planning a joint maid schedule.
Meili was fairly confused but stood next to Petra smiling.
And Frederica simply sighed, she was slightly amused.
In simple terms:
Subaru Natsuki is fucking cooked.