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Chapter Text

Act I – The Disaster Begins

The Pleiades Watchtower was supposed to be a place of ancient wisdom, guarded by mysterious trials, dangerous traps, and one very large, very scary scorpion-woman who claimed to be the apprentice of the Great Sage.

In practice, it was mostly screaming.

“MASTER! MASTER!” Shaula’s voice cracked like a whip across the endless desert sky, her scorpion tail lashing down against the tower floor as she stomped after Subaru. “I don’t know who these losers are, but if they’re not you, THEY’RE ENEMIES!”

“Shaula, calm down!” Subaru waved his arms like a panicked traffic guard. “I am your Master! You literally just said it five minutes ago!”

Shaula squinted, leaned down, and sniffed Subaru’s hair. Then, without warning, she backhanded him, sending him flying into a wall.

“FAKE!” she roared.

“Subaru!” Emilia yelped, running to him.

“I’m fine—” Subaru croaked, now stuck in the brand new Subaru-shaped wall indentation. “Okay not fine, but still alive.”

“Stop! This is unacceptable, I suppose!” Beatrice flung up her little hands, summoning a volley of Minya crystals that fizzled harmlessly against Shaula’s body. “Betty won’t forgive anyone hurting Subaru, I suppose!”

“ADORABLE BUT USELESS,” Shaula replied, snatching Beatrice by the scruff of her drill-hair like she was a kitten.

“PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT, I SUPPOSE—!!”

Julius, sword already drawn, muttered, “This is rapidly becoming untenable.”

“Julius,” Ram deadpanned from behind him, arms folded, “our strategy seems to amount to shouting and bouncing off of her violently. However, in the case of Barasu it was quite entertaining.”

“I’m aware!” Julius replied.

Shaula loomed over them all, eyes blazing like desert suns. “If you’re not Master, you’re dead meat.”

“Oi oi oi oi, timeout!” Subaru voice rising up with each subsequent ‘oi’. “Why is she attacking me if I’m supposed to be her Master?! What kind of apprentice logic is that?!”

“Maybe you’ve lost your Masterly Aura Barasu,” Ram suggested dryly.

“That’s not a thing!” Subaru shouted.

Meili peeked from behind Emilia, chewing her finger nervously. “Um… Miss Shaula looks super scary. I don’t think my beasties wanna fight her.”

“Trust me, Meili,” Subaru wheezed, still stuck in the wall, “I don’t wanna fight her either—”

And that’s when Anastasia Hoshin cleared her throat.

Act II – The Merchant’s Gambit

“Now, now, everyone calm yourselves.” Anastasia adjusted her scarf, her hips swaying in the hot tower air. She looked completely unconcerned about the massive death-scorpion-woman looming above. “If brute force won’t work, perhaps a softer hand will.”

“Anastasia-sama, this is not the time for business pitches,” Julius said, voice tight.

“Business? Oh no, Julius-kun.” Anastasia’s lips curved. “I think this here’s a situation for negotiation.”

Shaula blinked. “Negotiation?”

“That’s right, sweetheart.” Anastasia stepped forward, hips swaying just enough to make everyone—including Beatrice, still dangling by her hair—pause. “You’re a mighty fierce gal, but I reckon underneath all that armor you’re just a lonely apprentice, huh?”

Shaula’s scorpion tail froze mid-swing. “…Lonely?”

“Oh gods,” Subaru muttered. “She’s doing the thing.”

“What thing?” Emilia asked, clutching his sleeve.

“The Anastasia thing! Where she starts talking like she’s selling you a house but somehow makes you question your entire life choices!”

“Betty demands to be put down before she’s forced to witness something unsightly, I suppose!” Beatrice wailed.

But Shaula was already leaning down, her emerald-green eyes narrowing at Anastasia. “…You don’t smell like Master.”

“Maybe not,” Anastasia said smoothly, tugging down her scarf just enough to show a coy smile. “But I don’t need to be Master. I just need to be someone who sees you for what you really are.”

“What I… really am?”

“A loyal girl, protectin’ her teacher’s legacy. Strong, beautiful, and maybe a little misunderstood.” Anastasia’s voice purred. “A gal who deserves to be admired, not feared.”

The entire group froze.

“…Is she seducing her?” Ram asked flatly.

“Yes,” Julius whispered. “Yes, she is Ram-san.”

“Why is that working?!” Subaru shrieked. He was still stuck in the wall.

Act III – The Great Seduction

Shaula, previously frothing at the mouth and threatening to kill them all, now looked like someone had complimented her dress at a ball for the very first time. Her scorpion stinger twitched nervously behind her.

“You… you think I’m… beautiful?” she asked, her voice suddenly very small.

“As a desert sunrise, darlin’.” Anastasia winked. “And twice as dangerous, if you’ve a mind for it.”

“Ohhh my goooooo—.” Subaru tried to move to grab his hair, realised he was stuck in the wall, and promptly fell out. He suddenly stood up, rubbing his back. “We are not doing this. We are NOT turning the scorpion guardian into Anastasia’s girlfriend!”

“Silence, Barasu.” Ram smirked faintly. “This is far more entertaining than your usual speeches, Barasu.”

“Shut up, Nee-sama! This is NOT the time!”

Echidna, muffled in scarf form around Anastasia’s neck, finally spoke. “You do realize, Anastasia, that you are attempting to pacify the Watchtower’s guardian through crude seduction?”

“Crude? Honey, this is art.” Anastasia patted her scarf affectionately.

“Absolutely farcical,” Echidna muttered, though there was a hint of reluctant intrigue in her tone.

“Look, sugarplum.” Anastasia leaned closer to Shaula, who now seemed caught between blushing and fainting. “You’re fightin’ us because you think we’re strangers to your Master. But ain’t it possible that your Master would want you to trust others? To open your heart? To… y’know…” she let the words drip like honey, “let someone hold your hand instead of smackin’ them into a wall?”

”Yeah listen to her Shaula,” Subaru muttered to himself, still massaging his own back, “you can’t smack people into walls. It fucking hurts.”

Shaula gasped audibly, completely ignoring/unable to hear Subaru’s targetted mutterings. “You… you’d hold my hand?”

“I’d do a lot more than that, darlin’.” Anastasia’s voice lowered seductively, and her eyes dimmed in a way that suggested sex may be on the table for the scorpion apprentice.

Subaru collapsed to his knees. “This is the worst timeline.”

Act IV – Everyone Loses Their Minds

“P-Pfft—Subaruu, your face!” Emilia giggled despite the chaos. “You look like you swallowed a bug.”

“I did! The bug is this entire situation!” Subaru flailed. “Why is Anastasia flirting us out of a boss battle?!”

“Because it’s working, Barusu,” Ram replied with a shrug.

“Master!” Shaula turned back to Subaru, pointing a shaky finger. “Is it true?! Do you approve of this fox-lady touching my heart?!”

“I DO NOT APPROVE!!” Subaru shouted instantly.

“Then I’ll kill her—”

“Wait wait wait, approved, approved!” Subaru backpedaled so fast he nearly tripped. “It’s totally fine, Shaula, I ship it! Date whoever you want!”

“SHIP IT?!” Beatrice screamed.

“Yes, Baeko! We’re in a crack fic! Just roll with it!”

Meanwhile, Julius had sheathed his sword, looking like a man whose entire worldview had just been rewritten. “I spent years training to face trials with dignity, only to be upstaged by a merchant seducing a monster.”

“Welcome to my life,” Subaru muttered.

Meili tugged at Ram’s sleeve. “Um… Miss Ram, is this what love is supposed to look like?”

Ram tilted her head. “Yes. Terrifying and deeply inconvenient.”

”You’d know a lot about that, huh Nee-sama.” Subaru tried to tease the pink-haired oni.

”Shut up Barasu, your love life is so inconvenient you haven’t even slept in the same room as a woman.” Subaru raised his finger to interject before Ram cut him off, “Before you try and retaliate Barasu, no, Beatrice-sama doesn’t count.” Subaru’s finger immediately lowered.

Act V – The Deal is Sealed

By now, Shaula’s entire deadly aura had melted into something resembling a lovestruck maiden at a village festival. Her scorpion-tail braid drooped harmlessly behind her as she stared moon-eyed at Anastasia.

“If… if I help you all, will you… stay with me?” Shaula asked hopefully.

Anastasia’s smile was sharp as a dagger hidden in lace. “Course, sugar. We’ll stick together, you ‘n me. Conquer this tower, claim its knowledge, make the world ours. Just you and your foxy gal.”

“Ohhhhhh my god, she’s a final boss recruiter,” Subaru whispered in horror.

“Shaula obeys!” the scorpion woman declared, falling to her knees. “From this day forth, the Great Sage’s apprentice will also serve the Great Merchant of Love!”

“Catchy title,” Anastasia mused. “Needs workshopping.”

“Unbelievable…” Julius muttered.

Beatrice, finally dropped onto the floor, stomped her tiny foot. “Betty refuses to acknowledge this nonsense, I suppose! It’s shameful! Completely unbecoming! A disgrace, in fact!”

“Beako,” Subaru sighed, “just accept it. Anastasia seduced the scorpion. That’s canon now.”

“NEVER, I SUPPOSE—!!”

Beatrice suddenly had the urge to call Shaula a “filthy Kashira”. She stopped herself by biting her tongue down, because Subaru would probably call her a ‘racist’ again if she let her intrusive thoughts come out.

Emilia tilted her head. “…But if Shaula’s helping us now, isn’t that a good thing?”

Everyone stared at her.

“…What?” she asked innocently.

None could actually refute, because she was actually right.

Act VI – Epilogue: The Tower Falls

And so, against all odds, the dreaded guardian of the Pleiades Watchtower was pacified not by combat, clever tricks, or masterful speeches—

But by Anastasia Hoshin’s unparalleled lesbian-approved business-seduction skills.

From that moment onward, Shaula followed her around like a puppy, glaring death at anyone who so much as glanced Anastasia’s way.

“Mine,” she hissed at Julius when he offered Anastasia help.

“Mine,” she hissed at Subaru when he tried to argue strategy.

“Mine,” she hissed at Echidna, muffled in scarf form, who sighed and muttered, “How humiliating.”

And Anastasia? She just smiled like the cat who caught the canary.

“Well now,” she drawled. “I do believe this Watchtower’s under new management.”

The rest of the group groaned in unison.

Anastasia Hoshin, had successfully seduced the Great Sage’s Apprentice.

Chapter Text

The Apprentice’s Suggestion

The sand was far behind them now. The Pleiades Watchtower had been conquered—

not through blood and fire, not through trial and sword, but through seduction.

Specifically, Anastasia Hoshin seducing Shaula into putting down her fists and picking up a bouquet of metaphorical flowers.

Now, the victorious party was rattling along a road in a large carriage, bound back toward the capital. The inside was crammed shoulder-to-shoulder: Subaru wedged between Emilia and Beatrice, Julius sitting primly as though the rickety wheels didn’t exist, Ram with her usual air of disdain, Meili swinging her legs cheerfully, Anastasia lounging with elegance, and Shaula—still starry-eyed—squeezed in beside her.

It was quiet for a blessed moment.

Then Shaula said, far too loudly:

“I HAVE DECIDED!”

The carriage nearly tipped over.

“What did I do this time?!” Subaru yelped, hugging Beatrice to his chest like a seatbelt.

“You did nothing, Master!” Shaula beamed at him, braid snapping like a whip as she turned. “I have decided upon a solution to my… conflicted heart.”

“…Conflicted?” Emilia tilted her head.

“Yes!” Shaula declared. “On the one hand, Anastasia is my foxy goddess of commerce and love.”

“I don’t got a fox tail, honey,” Anastasia murmured, adjusting her scarf.

“On the other hand,” Shaula pressed on, “you, Subaru—Master—you are my eternal sun, my guiding star, the reason I exist!”

“…You literally tried to kill me yesterday,” Subaru muttered.

“That was tough love!” Shaula cried.

Ram pinched the bridge of her nose. “And now she’s going to say something stupid.”

“I SHALL MARRY YOU BOTH!” Shaula announced, slamming a fist against the carriage wall hard enough that Julius had to brace it from collapsing. “An open, polygamous relationship! Anastasia and Master, together with me, forever!”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT!!” Subaru’s voice cracked like he’d just been stabbed in the soul.

“I approve, I suppose,” Beatrice piped up immediately.

“WHAT?!” Subaru almost dropped her off his lap.

Beatrice crossed her arms, expression smug. “The more partners my contractor has, the more chance for children to raise, I suppose. Betty demands to be the Natsuki Family Guardian, I suppose.”

Subaru’s face went beet red. “B-Beako, you can’t just—!! Children?! You’re FOUR HUNDRED YEARS OLD, you can’t—!!”

“Children!” Beatrice repeated firmly, planting her tiny butt more squarely in his lap. “Betty has decided.”

“…I am going to throw myself back into the fucking desert,” Subaru muttered into his hands.

“Ummm…” Emilia raised a hand weakly. “But… wouldn’t that mean Subaru has two… um… lovers? Shouldn’t I be happy for him?”

“Correct!” Shaula pumped a fist. “Be happy, silver-haired half-elf girl! Our love will be wide as the desert and deep as the—”

“Wait, wait, wait—” Emilia interrupted herself, cheeks going pink. “But… why do I not want to be happy about it? Why do I want Subaru to… love me instead?”

The carriage went quiet.

“…Because you’re jealous Emilia-sama,” Ram said, completely deadpan.

Emilia’s face flamed. “J-J-Jealous?! No! I’m not—! I just—! I want—!”

Then, she slammed her hands on her knees, face suddenly determined despite how red it was. “Shaula said it was open, right?! So I’ll join too!”

Subaru exploded. “NOOOOO!!”

The Spiral of Madness

“Wait, wait, wait—hold on—time out! Red card! Yellow card! All the cards!” Subaru shouted, clutching Beatrice like a lifeline. “I am NOT joining an open polygamous desert cult!!”

“Oh, don’t be so stiff, sugar,” Anastasia purred, crossing her legs. “Ain’t like you gotta do all the heavy liftin’ alone. I wouldn’t mind spreadin’ the love… with all of us together.”

The way she said “all” made Julius choke on his own breath.

“I beg your pardon?!”

“Together?” Emilia blinked innocently. “Like… like a group picnic?”

“No, sweetheart,” Anastasia said with dangerous sweetness, “I mean we all get in bed and—”

“DO NOT FINISH THAT SENTENCE!!” Subaru screamed, slamming his palm against the carriage wall.

Meili tilted her head. “Um… is this like when big sis said some people like to share snacks, but it’s not about snacks?”

“YES, CHILD!” Subaru shouted. “EXACTLY THAT!”

“Uhhh…” Meili blinked. “I don’t get it.”

“Good,” Subaru growled.

Meanwhile, Shaula clutched her braid dramatically. “An open love! My Master, my fox-queen, and now the silver half-elf maiden! It is destiny! It is fate!”

“This is garbage. But it’s also Barasu’s suffering. I am strangely supportive of this,” Ram corrected.

Beatrice tugged Subaru’s sleeve. “Don’t pout, I suppose. Betty approves. Do your duty and give Betty children to raise.”

“Stop saying children like it’s an errand!!” Subaru yelled.

Julius Loses His Cool

“I…” Julius pinched the bridge of his nose, finally cracking. “I trained all my life as a knight. I honed my sword, my honor, my reputation. And now, I am stuck in a carriage listening to a scorpion-maiden propose a polygamous arrangement with a merchant, my friend, and the woman destined to be king.”

”We are BARELY friends Julius,” Subaru said with his usual sharpness towards the Knight of Knights.

Ram sipped from a teacup she had mysteriously conjured. “This is still less embarrassing than your duel with Barusu. You had to beat up a poor excuse for a Butler.”

“Why must you always bring that—?!” Julius began, then cut himself off with a strangled noise.

The Descent Into Chaos

“Fine! You know what?!” Subaru leapt up so suddenly Beatrice bounced in his lap. “I’ll say it clearly! I’m not okay with this! No open harem desert nonsense! No three-way, four-way, five-way polygon love! Just! No!!”

“Polygon love,” Ram repeated bluntly.

“Yes!! Polygon!! That’s what this is!!” Subaru flailed.

“Polygamy, Barusu.” Ram corrected.

“Don’t you dare grammar-check my nightmare!!”

Emilia twiddled her fingers, face scarlet. “B-But… if it’s open… and Shaula doesn’t mind… and Anastasia seems happy… then maybe… we could all…” She trailed off, steaming like a kettle.

“NOOOO!” Subaru cried. “EMILIA-TAN NOOOO!”

Anastasia smirked. “Honey, you’re just protestin’ too much. The boy doth resist too loudly, if y’catch my drift.”

“I DON’T DRIFT, I FUCKING CRASH!!” Subaru wailed.

“Subaru,” Beatrice said, patting his cheek with all the gravitas of a queen, “you’re embarrassing Betty in front of your future wives.”

“I’M GONNA DIE.”

The Final Blow

Shaula suddenly knelt in the cramped carriage, pressing her hands together like a supplicant. “Master! Please accept my heart! Marry me, and her, and her! We will conquer not only towers, but love itself!”

Emilia squeaked, hiding her face. Anastasia chuckled. Beatrice clapped like this was a coronation.

And Subaru? Subaru buried his face into Beatrice’s drills and sobbed.

“Someone please eject me from this carriage,” he moaned. “Just roll me under the wheels. End my suffering.”

Ram yawned. “Don’t tempt me Barasu.”

Julius stared at the ceiling, whispering a prayer to literally any god who would listen.

Meili raised her hand timidly. “So… um… does this mean we’re all gonna be one big family?”

“Yes,” Beatrice declared firmly.

“No!!” Subaru shrieked.

“Yes,” Shaula cried.

“Yes,” Anastasia purred.

“Yes,” Emilia admitted with a tiny squeak.

“…Polygon,” Ram concluded.

“POLYGON!!” Subaru screamed, voice cracking.

The carriage rattled on into the horizon, bursting at the seams with chaos, while Julius quietly debated throwing himself into the desert instead.

Chapter Text

Act I – The Arrival

The carriage clattered into the capital gates with all the grace of a drunken ground dragon. Inside, Subaru was still curled in the fetal position, muttering “Polygon… polygon… polygon…” while Beatrice gently patted his hair like a nurse attending to a trauma patient.

Shaula, by contrast, was radiant, practically glowing with her newfound determination. Her long braid snapped with every bounce of the wheels, like the stinger of a scorpion prepared to kill at the mere hint of disrespect.

Her proclamation was still echoing in everyone’s ears:

“I SHALL MARRY MASTER AND THE FOXY GODDESS! AND OUR SILVER MAIDEN TOO, IF SHE SO DESIRES!”

Nobody had managed to talk her down. Nobody wanted to try.

By the time the carriage stopped, Emilia was still flushed, Anastasia was humming happily, Julius was praying silently, and Ram was preparing insults to last the week.

The moment they stepped out, the two camps were waiting.

Act II – The Camps

On one side, the Emilia Camp:

• Emilia herself, still unsure if she’d just agreed to a desert harem pact.
• Subaru, who looked like someone had taken his soul and run it through a blender. Well, more than usual.
• Beatrice, smug and self-satisfied.
• Otto, already pale with dread.
• Garfiel, cracking his knuckles, suspicious of everything.
• Ram, standing at the back with her arms folded.
• Frederica, polite but confused.
• Petra, waving enthusiastically, unaware of the storm about to hit.
• Roswaal was, mercifully, unavailable, which meant slightly fewer migraines for everyone.  

(And less pain for me the writer, I hate writing Roswaal).

On the other side, the Anastasia Camp:

• Anastasia, smiling sweet as honey and twice as dangerous.
• Julius, resigned to disaster.
• Ricardo, arms crossed, tail flicking, already muttering about “weird vibes.”
• Mimi, bouncing up and down yelling “Gaaarfiiieee!!”
• Hetaro, wringing his hands nervously.
• Tivey, sighing as if his very soul had aged a decade.

Both groups eyed each other warily, like cats shoved into the same cage.

And then Shaula strode between them.

“ATTENTION, FUTURE FAMILY MEMBERS!” she bellowed. “I HAVE COME TO ANNOUNCE OUR UNION!”

The silence that followed was so heavy, you could hear Subaru’s spirit crack.

Act III – The Proclamation

“Union?” Garfiel narrowed his eyes. “Oi, what the hell does ‘union’ mean? Ma’ amazin’ self don’t like the way yer usin’ it, lady.”

“Union of love!” Shaula cried, throwing her arms wide. “For I, Shaula, apprentice of the Great Sage, declare that Master Subaru, Lady Anastasia, and Lady Emilia must join me in sacred open matrimony! Therefore—” she jabbed a finger at both camps—“your groups must merge as one! An unbreakable alliance!”

The crowd erupted.

“WHAT?!” Otto screamed, voice cracking like glass.

“Polygamy and politics…” Julius groaned, already exasperated from the carriage ride here.

“Ohhh my god, it’s happening,” Subaru whispered in despair.

“Betty approves,” Beatrice said instantly, puffing her chest. “Twice the camp means twice the chance of babies, I suppose.”

“STOP SAYING BABIES, BAEKO!!” Subaru shrieked.

Emilia clasped her hands together nervously. “Um… but… if Shaula says it’s open… maybe it would be wrong to say no?”

“Emilia-tan, no!!” Subaru pleaded.

“Emilia, yes I suppose!!” Beatrice snapped.

Anastasia just laughed behind her scarf. “Well now. Looks like the apprentice has quite the business sense. More camps means more resources. I don’t mind sharin’.”

“SHARING IS NOT LOVE, IT’S COMMUNISM!” Subaru barked.

“I don’t even know what communism is, but I feel I don’t like it very much,” Otto mumbled, already scribbling furiously in his notebook.

Mimi raised her hand. “Does this mean we all get to live in the same big house?! Like one super camp?! That sounds AWESOME! We can have pillow fights every night!”

“Pillow fights with Shaula?” Hetaro deadpanned. “We’ll be lucky to survive.”

Shaula grinned, showing too many teeth. “I play rough.”

Everyone shivered.

Act IV – Negotiations

The two camps gathered in the Miload Mansion main hall, forced into a round table meeting. Subaru sat hunched in his chair like a condemned man, Beatrice perched smugly in his lap. Emilia kept sneaking glances at him, cheeks pink. Anastasia crossed her legs and smiled knowingly.

“Right,” Ricardo said finally. “I want this straight. The giant scorpion lady says she’s marryin’ our boss and yer boy, plus yer candidate. And we’re supposed to just… roll with it?”

“Yes,” Shaula said.

“No,” Subaru said.

“Yes,” Beatrice said.

“Yes,” Anastasia added.

“Yes?” Emilia squeaked.

“Nooo!!” Subaru howled.

“Look, Barusu,” Ram said, smirking, “whether you like it or not, this woman could kill us all in seconds. If she wants our camps merged, we merge.”

“She’s right,” Julius admitted, shame etched on his face. “The Watchtower taught us not to underestimate her.”

“Damn straight!” Shaula flexed her arms. “I’ll sting any dissenter!”

“You don’t even have a stinger in this form,” Otto muttered.

“I’LL FIND ONE.”

Otto screamed and hid behind Garfiel.

Garfiel bared his teeth. “Oi, if ya think I’m lettin’ some desert bug boss my Cap’n around—”

“QUIET!” Shaula barked. The walls rattled. Garfiel sat back down instantly, muttering curses.

Act V – Beatrice’s Blessing

“Betty says it’s fine, I suppose,” Beatrice declared, tugging Subaru’s sleeve like a mother scolding her child. “Two camps means more security for Subaru, and more stability for Emilia. If there’s romance on top of it, Betty will allow it.”

“Allow it?!” Subaru gawked. “You’re my daughter, not my marriage counselor!”

“I’m your daughter and future Natsuki Family Guardian, I suppose.”

“THAT IS NOT A TITLE!!”

”Yet, I suppose.”

But Beatrice had spoken, and her smug tone made it clear she would brook no dissent.

Act VI – Emilia’s Crisis

Emilia finally spoke, her voice soft. “I… I don’t know why, but… when I think of Subaru being with Anastasia, my chest hurts.” She pressed a hand to her heart. “But when I think of him being with Shaula… it hurts too. But Shaula said it’s open. So… maybe if I join, I won’t hurt anymore?”

The table went silent.

Subaru nearly fell out of his chair. “E-Emilia-tan, don’t say things like that so casually!!”

Her face went red. “W-Why not? If everyone else gets to say crazy things, why can’t I?!”

“…She has a point Barasu,” Ram muttered.

“No she doesn’t!!” Subaru cried.

Anastasia smirked. “I wouldn’t mind Emilia joinin’. I’m quite fond of silver hair. Quite erotic if you ask me.”

“STOP RECRUITING MY CRUSH INTO THE DESERT POLYGON AND SHUT IT!!” Subaru screamed.

He then suddenly calmed down, “Anastasia-san, please don’t say such things, there are children here.” He refers to the triplets, Meili, Petra, Garfiel and Beatrice.

“Betty is over four hundred years old, I suppose—!” She was indignant, she was not a child!

She was then immediately silenced.

Subaru started patting her head and she blushed furiously. It was extremely effective. Betty loves her Subaru’s head pats in fact.

Act VII – The Chaos Triplets

“Polygon?” Mimi tilted her head. “What’s a polygon?”

“It’s like a shape,” Tivey sighed. “But apparently also our lives now.”

“Yay shapes!!” Mimi cheered. “Can I be a triangle?!”

“You’re already obtuse,” Tivey muttered.

“Rude!!” Mimi kicked him under the table.

“Can I be a rhombus?” Hetaro asked nervously.

“No one wants to be a rhombus,” Julius said, massaging his temple.

“I DO!!” Hetaro squeaked.

“…Fine. You’re a rhombus.”

Act VIII – Otto Breaks

At last, Otto slammed his palms on the table. “This is madness! Absolute madness! Camps merging for political gain, I can understand. Camps merging because a scorpion-maiden insists she wants to marry our candidate and her knight, as well as a rival candidate?! That’s insanity!”

Shaula’s eyes glowed.

“BUT OF COURSE WE’LL AGREE!!” Otto shrieked instantly, backpedaling so fast he nearly fell out of his chair. “TOTALLY FINE, NO PROBLEM, LOVE POLYGONS, BIG FAN!!”

“…Coward,” Garfiel muttered.

Act IX – The Final Vote

Eventually, Anastasia cleared her throat. “Well, reckon we’d better make it official. Shall we put it to a vote?”

“Why are we voting on my love life?!” Subaru demanded.

“Because you’re not in charge Barasu. And because you deserve it,” Ram said simply.

“Betty votes yes, I suppose,” Beatrice said immediately.

“Of course ya do Baeko,” Subaru groaned, however was still patting her head.

“Ricardo votes… hell, fine, yes. Better than gettin’ stung.”

“Mimi votes yes because shapes are fun!”

“Hetaro votes yes because Mimi thinks shapes are fun!”

“I vote yes, the Boss would benefit from this alliance,” said the third triplet.

“Ram votes yes. Barusu’s suffering brings me joy.”

“Ma amazin’ self votes no!!” Garfiel barked.

“Shaula votes yes! Obviously!”

“Anastasia votes yes, sugar.”

All eyes turned to Emilia. She wrung her hands, blushing furiously. “…I… I vote yes.”

Subaru slammed his head into the table.

“Motion carried,” Julius said grimly. “The camps merge.” He genuinely felt sorry for his friend.

This, is what’s going on in Subaru’s mind at the very moment, the motion carried:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! 

Act X – The Aftermath

And so, against all reason, logic, and dignity, the Emilia Camp and Anastasia Camp merged into one mega-alliance:

The Polygon Camp. 

(Name courtesy of Mimi Pearlbaton)

Subaru wept.

Beatrice celebrated in his lap, wiping away his tears.

Shaula gloated.

Anastasia winked.

Emilia tried not to faint from blushing.

Julius prayed for death.

Ram smirked.

Otto suffered.

Garfiel threatened to punch someone.

Ricardo drank.

The triplets argued about who was which shape.

Petra started planning a joint maid schedule.

Meili was fairly confused but stood next to Petra smiling.

And Frederica simply sighed, she was slightly amused.

In simple terms:

Subaru Natsuki is fucking cooked.

Chapter Text

Act I — A Short Carriage Ride

The carriage rattled through the cobbled streets of the capital, the freshly merged “Emilia-Anastasia Mega Camp” squeezed inside like a traveling circus that had given up on dignity. Subaru sat slumped in the corner with Beatrice in his lap, patting her head as if she were his emotional support plushie.

“I suppose Subaru should keep petting Betty until the storm passes, in fact,” Beatrice murmured, closing her eyes and puffing her cheeks in satisfaction.

“That’s easy for you to say, Baeko,” Subaru hissed, glancing at the other passengers. “Some people in this carriage want to kill me with affection. And not the cute kind—like—‘Oh wow, Subaru-san is my master and also my boyfriend and also my family pet,’ affection. It’s killing me.”

Shaula leaned forward, braid swinging like a loaded whip. “Master, you’re exaggerating. You only have two lovers now. Or, wait, was it three? Eh, whatever, I already told you—it’s open! Easy solution!”

“Easy solution for you! For me it’s a slow-motion execution!” Subaru banged his head on the wooden wall. “And what’s with merging the camps? Emilia Camp and Anastasia Camp are two completely different flavors! You don’t just pour apple juice into wine and call it a beverage!”

Across from him, Anastasia crossed her legs daintily, Echidna-scarf curling smugly around her shoulders. “Now, now. Shaula made a compelling argument. If she’s not satisfied, she’ll throw tantrums. And frankly, I value my neck too much to test how serious she was. Besides—” she leaned forward, voice dripping honey, “—two camps together means more assets, more manpower, and more… intimacy opportunities.”

“Stop looking at me when you say intimacy! What do you wanna do to me?!” Subaru shouted.

“It’s simple Natsuki-kun, I want to get on all fours while you grab my hips from behind and rail—” Anastasia purred before getting cut off by a flustered Subaru.

“SHUT UP ANASTASIA!!”

Emilia, who had been fiddling with her hair nervously, suddenly blurted: “W-Well… if Shaula says it’s okay, and Anastasia agrees, then I—I think I’ll also… stay. Because… because Subaru deserves to be loved properly, right? And… I want to be part of that too.”

Silence.

Subaru’s soul left his body.

Ram gave a long sigh, as if watching the most boring comedy routine ever. “Barusu, only you could attract such idiocy. How utterly pathetic.”

Meili piped up, twirling her hair. “Wow… onii-chan, you’re like a walking harem manga. Do you also get nosebleeds when the girls fall on top of you? Heehee.”

“Don’t tempt fate, kid…” Subaru muttered.

“Why did I even teach you what that meant…”, he sighed while pinching his nose.

But he wasn’t done. He had one last trump card. One final bullet in the chamber.

Act II — The Savior Arrives

Later that afternoon, Subaru cornered the most reliable person he knew. The one man who could cut through this nightmare with the clean slice of justice itself.

“Reinhard! Buddy! Pal! God incarnate! Help me!”

The red-haired Sword Saint tilted his head, smiling patiently. “Of course, Subaru. What seems to be troubling you?”

“What’s troubling me?” Subaru grabbed his shoulders, shaking him like a maraca. “I’ve been forced into a polygon camp! A polygon camp, Reinhard! It’s like a love triangle, except the triangle had a baby with geometry homework and became a love icosagon! You’ve gotta get me out!”

Felt, standing with arms crossed, raised an eyebrow. “Oi, big bro, are you seriously whining about too many girls liking you? What are you, twelve?”

“Yes! Mentally I am!” Subaru cried. “Help me before I suffocate in affection and innuendos!”

Reinhard, looking thoughtful, folded his hands. “If you are in distress, then I shall do my utmost to bring resolution. Please, take me to this… polygon camp.”

Subaru grinned, relief flooding him. “Finally! Justice is real! Thank you, Reinhard!”

Little did he know.

Act III — The Camp of Madness

The grand hall of the Miload Manor was packed. Both camps—now merged—sat together at one long table, creating the single most awkward dinner in history. Emilia sat near Subaru, hands folded in her lap, sneaking little jealous glances. Anastasia sat across from them, sipping wine with all the calm of a shark that smelled blood. Shaula clung to Anastasia’s arm, but her braid occasionally shot across the table to poke Subaru in the shoulder.

Beatrice sat in Subaru’s lap, eating pudding like a queen.

And then Reinhard entered.

“Everyone, please remain calm,” Reinhard announced. “I, Reinhard van Astrea, have been asked to mediate this… complicated situation.”

“Complicated is one word,” Julius muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Subaru leapt up. “Yes! Reinhard, this is perfect. Just tell them! Tell them polygamy harems are a bad idea, that this polygon nonsense is a crime against love itself, and that Subaru Natsuki is just a simple man who wants a simple relationship with his Emilia-tan!”

“Mhmm.” Reinhard nodded gravely. “I understand.”

The room went quiet.

Reinhard placed a hand on his chest. “Then… if the only solution is to share the burden of your affections, Subaru, I shall stand with you. I will join as your co-husband.”

The silence broke into chaos.

“EH?!” Subaru’s scream cracked glass. “No, no, no, no! Reinhard, that was the exact opposite of what I asked!”

Emilia clutched her head. “W-Wait… so Reinhard is… also…?”

Anastasia nearly spat out her wine, then started laughing so hard Echidna-scarf had to slap her back. “Oh-ho! Oh, this is even better than I imagined.”

Shaula squealed, leaping onto the table. “Yes! Master’s harem just leveled up! We got Reinhard DLC!”

“Barusu,” Ram said flatly, “you truly are the most worthless man alive. Even your attempts to escape only deepen the pit you’ve dug.”

Subaru slammed his head on the table. “Reinhard… buddy… why?!”

Reinhard, expression utterly earnest, replied: “Because I would never abandon you, Subaru. If sharing in this bond relieves even a fraction of your suffering, then that is my duty as your friend.”

“Your friend?!” Subaru howled. “Friends don’t join each other’s harems!”

Act IV — The New Polygon Expands

And thus, the Polygon Camp gained a new member.

Anastasia immediately took advantage. “So, does that mean the Sword Saint is fair game too? Because I wouldn’t mind expanding the horizons. Just imagine it—Reinhard, Subaru, Shaula, Emilia, and little ol’ me sharin’ a bed. Why, we’d be the envy of the capital.”

Shaula pumped a fist. “Woo! Open harem means everyone’s invited! Let’s goooo!”

Emilia’s eyes went wide. “W-Wait, Anastasia, you can’t just—just—expand like that! This is supposed to be about Subaru and me and… well… the rest, too. But Reinhard is…”

Her voice trailed, cheeks heating. She glanced at Subaru, then Reinhard, then Subaru again. Something unpleasant twisted in her chest.

“Jealousy?” Echidna-scarf whispered, ever so smug.

Emilia nearly dropped her fork. “I-I’m not jealous!”

“You definitely are, I suppose,” Beatrice said around a mouthful of pudding. “But Betty approves of Reinhard as co-husband. Two fathers means double the chance for babies, I suppose. Betty will raise them all, in fact.”

Subaru buried his face in his hands. “I’m not making babies with Reinhard, Baeko!”

“Of course not,” Reinhard said soothingly. “We would each take turns, I assume. Fair rotation.”

The scream Subaru unleashed that night was heard three villages away.

Act V — Felt’s Interruption

Felt had been watching from the sidelines, face twisted between disgust and amusement. Finally, she slammed her hands on the table.

“Alright, enough! This whole thing is stupid! Reinhard, you don’t need to marry Subaru, or anyone here. You’re the damn Sword Saint! You’ve got better things to do!”

Reinhard blinked innocently. “But Lady Felt, if Subaru requests my help, I cannot ignore him.”

“I didn’t request THIS!” Subaru shrieked.

Felt pointed at Subaru. “And you—stop acting like you don’t secretly love this attention. You’re eating it up big bro.”

“I am dying! Not eating!” Subaru wailed.

Felt groaned. “This is hopeless. You’re all hopeless.”

Anastasia raised her glass again. “To hopelessness, then. May our polygon camp prosper.”

Everyone except Subaru cheered.

Act VI — Polygon Camp Forever

Over the following days, the merged camp began to operate under its new reality. Reinhard, true to his word, took his duties as “co-husband” very seriously. He followed Subaru everywhere, politely holding doors for him, pouring his tea, and occasionally making suggestions like:

“Shall we discuss chore rotation for our shared wives, Subaru?”

“WE DON’T HAVE SHARED WIVES!” Subaru would scream back.

Shaula hung off Anastasia’s arm like a barnacle, but every five minutes she’d remember “Oh yeah, Master!” and leap back onto Subaru, only to get smacked away by Beatrice for jostling her seat.

Emilia wrestled with strange feelings every night, wondering why seeing Subaru and Anastasia laugh together made her chest ache. She tried convincing herself it was fine—after all, this was an open harem. She had joined willingly. So why did she want to steal Subaru’s smiles just for herself?

Anastasia noticed immediately, of course. And teased her mercilessly.

“Oh my, Emilia. You’re staring again. Careful, or Subaru will think you’re obsessed.”

“I-I’m not!” Emilia blushed. “I just—! I… love him, that’s all!”

“Then you’ll need to work harder, won’t you? In an open camp, affection is a competition,” Anastasia purred.

Subaru’s life became a nightmare.

Act VII — Subaru’s Last Stand

One night, Subaru gathered everyone in the living room.

“Alright. Enough’s enough. I’m drawing the line here. This polygon harem insanity has gone on too long. I am not sharing a bed with Reinhard. I am not fathering 87 babies for Beatrice to raise. And I am not entertaining Anastasia’s weird suggestions about group—” he choked, unable to finish. “You know what she said.”

Everyone stared.

Shaula raised her hand. “So… what’s your solution, Master?”

“My solution,” Subaru declared, standing tall, “is divorce. I am divorcing the polygon camp!”

Gasps filled the room.

“You can’t just divorce the whole camp, Barusu,” Ram said. “This is the only thing you’ve ever been good at—being pathetically surrounded.”

Emilia’s eyes filled with tears. “Subaru… do you really want to leave me?”

Subaru froze. His heart cracked. “N-No! Emilia-tan, not you! Never you!”

Anastasia smirked. “Then you’ll stay.”

Reinhard placed a hand on his shoulder. “Do not worry, Subaru. I shall stand with you, husband.”

Subaru collapsed to the floor, twitching. “I… I’m never getting out… am I?”

Beatrice patted his head. “Never, I suppose. But Betty will always be here to protect you. Even from love polygons, in fact.”

The entire camp raised their glasses.

“To Polygon Camp!”

Subaru let out the scream of a man whose life had ended long ago. 

All he could ask is:

Would his parents be proud of what’s happened to him?