Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Johnny was dead. 

Dallas was dead.

The memories swirled relentlessly in Ponyboy's mind. It had been two months since they’d died but it still burned fresh as if it had been yesterday. He was lying on his bed, Soda asleep next to him and completely dead to the world. 

Its your fault

He tried to silence the voice in his head and a quiet sob escaped his mouth. 

They died because of you

His thoughts weren’t exactly wrong, he blamed himself. It was his fault for sleeping in the lot. It was his fault for running away that night. And it was fault for dragging Johnny down with him. It was his fault they had di-

He bit his tongue to stop himself, but more tears slipped down his cheeks and he had to hold back another sob.

Ponyboy sat up slowly from his damp pillow. He sniffled, wiping his wet eyes. Even in the dim light he could see how much messier his bedroom had become. After Johnny and Dally had died he’d become withdrawn, building walls around himself thicker and taller than even when his parents had passed. He now spent most of his free time in his room. Darry and Soda had all but given up on trying to get him out of his shell now. 

Pony got out of bed slowly, careful not to wake Soda. He didn’t need his brothers worrying about him even more than they already did. Soda twitched slightly and he froze, cautiously lifting Sodas arm off his chest. He stood up methodically and began to walk across the cold floor to the bedroom door, almost tripping over a dirty pair of shoes on the way out.

He opened the door ever so slightly and peeked out into the hallway. The house was empty, the only discernable sound being Darry's heavy snoring.

Ponyboy tiptoed down the hallway, stopping at the living room. With the back of his hand he wiped his wet eyes once more and squinted at the clock. It was about three in the morning. Pony didn’t really get much sleep anymore. He would lie awake in bed for hours, letting his mind drift away. He would think about Johnny and their time in the church. He would smile softly to himself, remembering the way Johnny's dark eyes glinted like stars, the way he’d always grin when Pony told him about the stories he read, and the warmth of Johnny’s body next to him as they huddled under the glow of the moon.

However, as time passed he had started to forget. When he'd think back on Johnny and Dallas-even his parents too-the memories became fuzzier with each passing day. He'd make drawings of the gang in private with Johnny and Dallas still there. He could pretend-even if just for a short while-that they'd never even left in the first place. Pony created entire worlds in his head were everyone was happy and alive. However nothing gold could stay, and he couldn't always live in the safety of his fantasies. Ponyboy would eventually fall into restless sleep, where he was plagued by nightmares. He would wake up screaming some nights, loud enough to wake up the entire neighborhood. One time he'd screamed so loud that Darry had come rushing into his room wielding a baseball bat, thinking he was hurt.

Johnny dying, saying his last words to Pony as the life left his broken body. Dallas falling to the ground as he was pumped full of more bullets than you could count, his face filled with grim triumph. He couldn't get those moments out of his head, probably for the rest of his life. Every night they would torment him without fail, forcing him to suffer over and over again in an endless loop. They were worse than when his parents died, those nightmares were infrequent now and he barely remembered them. Darry hadn't let him see his parents bodies after the wreck which was probably for the better seeing how much watching his friends die had messed him up.

Pony opened the front door shakily and stepped out onto the front porch. He immediately shivered as he was hit by the cold air. It was a clear night, the moon casting deep shadows across the ground and illuminating the world with its pale light. Tulsa was more peaceful at night, at least that’s what Ponyboy thought. Everything was quiet and still at this time, like the city was frozen in place. The road was empty and the footpaths devoid of chatter. 

Pony gazed longingly up at the stars above. Him and Johnny had looked at the stars together one night at the church. They had laid down together, wrapped in a comfortable silence that only they could really share. They’d probably spent hours laying there, just staring up at the enormous blackness and the endless stars splattered across it. The silence had only broken when a brief flash of gold streaked across the darkness. A shooting star.

“Johnny”

“Yeah Ponyboy”

“You saw that?” Pony had asked softly “Wasn’t it beautiful?”

“Sure was,” Johnny whispered back.

“What's your wish Johnny?” Ponyboy had said “You gotta make a wish when you see a shoot’n star”

Johnny had gone quiet for a long while, still looking at the endless sky when he spoke up. “Y’know Pones, I hope that after this is all over, and after we graduate . . . maybe we could get a place together. Y’know, just you and me . . . and you can tell me about your stories all day . . . and we can watch sunsets together; and we can even show them to the gang too”

Pony paused briefly before speaking up “Me too Johnny . . . I’d like that too”

Ponyboy stared up at the constellations, his vision watery as he remembered that night. Johnny was gone. It was like someone had ripped a part of him away and left behind nothing but a dark emptiness that could never be filled. Pony felt just like he had when his parents died, except this time it was even more unbearable. His grief crushed down on him like he was at the bottom of the sea. He felt hollow, like a shell of his former self. For the first week even getting out of bed and to school felt impossible. He would walk around all day in a daze, his mind far away. The world felt so distant, like he was looking at it through glass. The color and joy of everything had been drained out of his life, leaving behind  a dull numbness.

The gang had tried to comfort him – all in their own ways – even if it only took the edge of his pain. Darry had gotten quieter around him, he barely raised his voice anymore and spoke like he was afraid to break him. Darry tiptoed around Pony like he was walking on eggshells. 

Two-bit would take Pony out for movies or food sometimes; trying the best he could to cheer him up. Two-Bits joked more now, almost compulsively. Although sometimes, Pony would run into him with red eyes and the smell of alcohol on his breath. Ponyboy knew how much it hurt him even though he tried to hide it. Two-Bit drank a lot more after Johnny and Dally died. He would frequently stumble into the Curtis's house drunk and pass out of their couch. He had even heard last week that his mother had started kicking him out whenever he got wasted.

Sodapop went out of his way to comfort and take care of Ponyboy now. Every night in bed – even if Pony didn’t sleep much now – Soda would hold Pony close like he was afraid he’d disappear. When Pony had nightmares; he would snap awake in an instant. Soda would wrap his arms around him and whisper softly in his ear that everything would be alright. Soda and Darry both watched him like hawks, ready to jump in and save him at the slightest hint of danger. Even Steve was a lot nicer to him now. Steve barely teased Pony anymore and would even sometimes take him to get lunch after school with Soda. 

Ponyboy missed the way Soda used to smile. He used to be so much more carefree, even after his parents died. His smile barely reached his eyes now.

This is what you did

This is what you did to him

You hurt everyone

It's all your fault

The cold words spun in Ponyboy's head. He curled up a little more as hot tears dripped down his face. He was interrupted when the front door opened with a soft click.

“Hey Pones,”

Sodapop's voice was warm and kind. 

“What’re you doin’ out here honey?” 

Ponyboy turned sluggishly and looked up at Soda's face. The moonlight made the dark bags under his eyes stand out. Although he still looked handsome, Soda looked so much older. It hurt Pony to see how much his brothers struggled because of him. His brothers were so tired. Soda and Darry had lost countless nights of sleep calming him down from his nightmares. 

You’re just a nuisance.

Pony sniffled a little, wrapping his arms closer around his chest and looking down at the ground. 

“I’m just thinking—don’t worry ‘bout me”

“Pones, let's go back inside. It’s freezing out here” Soda told him gently.

Ponyboy stood up slowly and wiped the tears from his eyes. He tried to ignore the worried look his brother gave him. 

Sodapop threw an arm around his shoulders and led him through the front door. Darry was still fast asleep as they walked to their bedroom. Soda waited for Pony to flop down into bed, before lying down next to him. 

They both stared up at the ceiling in the awkward silence. Pony stole a quick glance at Soda's face, his brow furrowed in thought. 

“Pony why didn’t you wake me,” his brother finally broke the silence. “If you’re having more nightmares you know I'll make you feel better.”

“Didn’t wanna be a bother”

“Pony don’t say that, you’ll never be a bother to me. If you ever need to talk to me–even if you just need someone to be close–Ill always be there for you. You’ll never be a bother for me, Pones, you dig?”

“I dig”

Ponyboy was barely listening now as Soda kept trying to soothe him. It was his fault. He was the one who caused this mess–how could anyone even still talk to him. God he was such an awful person. He closed his tear filled eyes.

Soda snuggled into Ponyboy as he slowly drifted to sleep. He was once again plagued by vivid nightmares.

That night he dreamed of the church.

He dreamed of fire.

Chapter Text

Ponyboy looked around the church in a panic. 

His chest burned. Every breath drew more smoke into his lungs, but instead of giving him a warm buzz like a cigarette it smothered his airways. Angry orange flames roared around him like a swarm of hornets. It was too bright, too hot, too loud. The smoke had an awful scent to it, a smell Ponyboy knew all too well. It smelled like burning flesh.

“Pony!”

He immediately whipped around to see Johnny. It was like time slowed down then, Ponyboy tried to run towards him but his legs wouldn’t work. His shoes slipped on the ash covered floor and he wasn’t moving fast enough. He pushed forwards with all his might, crashing through a crumbling church pew.

But he wasn’t fast enough.

The blackened roof crashed inwards with an ear splitting crack. Johnny looked directly into his eyes, his face white with terror. Pony couldn’t reach Johnny as the burning wooden beam smashed into his back. He let out a broken scream that sounded like it came from a hurt animal. Johnny’s back broke with a crunch and he fell to the ground—flames racing across his body. Johnny lay motionless on the floor as his flesh melted and burned. His empty dark eyes stared upwards at Pony, glazed over and lifeless like a doll's.

“Stay gold Pony,” Johnny’s mouth moved as if it was being controlled by invisible strings.

The inferno grew stronger and engulfed the church in a storm of heat.

Pony let out a scream.

He woke up screeching and thrashing wildly in Soda's arms. It took a few moments for him to realize where he was. Ponyboy shook like a leaf as Soda whispered softly in his ear and ran his fingers through his fluffy ungreased hair. 

“It’s okay baby,” Soda rocked him back and forth gently “You’re safe now baby don’t worry”

Ponyboy bawled pathetically into his big brother's chest for what felt like an eternity. He gradually calmed down, his breathing slowing and his body going limp. He was so exhausted. Although he had already begun to forget most of the dream, the fear still lingered in his body. Pony looked up from Soda's chest and into his big brother's warm brown eyes. Sodapop looked at him with a kind expression, but his brow was furrowed with worry. 

“Sorry for waking you Soda.” Ponyboy said, looking down ashamed. He wiped the last few remaining tears from his eyes, sniffing to clear his now stuffy nose. He felt pathetic.

“Don’t be sorry Pones, you know I don’t mind,” Soda ruffled his hair affectionately and grinned. “C’mon let's make some breakfast and get you ready for school.”

“Okay”

Soda rubbed his back again before getting up and heading into the kitchen. Pony yawned and stretched his limbs before sluggishly rolling of the mattress. He made the bed—as neatly as he could—and made his way into the bathroom to get ready. He turned the shower nozzle to the hottest setting—he couldn’t stand cold water after the fountain. Hot water hit his shoulders and he let out an audible gasp. Steam swirled around him as he washed himself with an old bar of soap. He didn’t know how long he had been standing in the shower when someone knocked on the bathroom door.

“Come on, Pones, you're gonna leave no hot water for me.”

“Sorry” he quickly replied, turning off the water with his slippery fingers. At least Soda wasn’t too angry at him.

Your so selfish

Ponyboy dried himself off and looked in the mirror, wiping off some of the condensation so he could see himself clearly. He'd drastically changed in the last months. He looked so different, with dark bags under his eyes and his ribs slightly poking out. He’d lost a lot of weight, most food just tasted like bologna to him and he struggled to keep a lot of food down for long.

The most striking thing about him however was his hair. It was so blond that it almost looked white—like Dally's was—however the roots had come back in a deep wine color. He’d grown out his hair although it was still shorter than it had been before. He hated it. His hair was a constant reminder of what had happened.  Every day when he would have to force himself out of bed, he would look in the mirror and see his mistakes looking right back at him. He would’ve dyed it back to brown but he didn’t want to put even more stress on Darry buying expensive hair dyes they couldn’t afford. He didn’t want to be any more of a nuisance than he already was.

He picked up his old comb and greased back his hair like normal, although he didn’t bother with as much. Ponyboy threw on some jeans and a t-shirt before walking into the kitchen. Soda was frying some eggs—humming along to an Elvis song—when he looked up at Pony with a smile. 

“Look who finally came out of the bathroom,”

Ponyboy had to dodge his hand as he tried to mess up his blond hair.

“Darry had to leave for work before we woke up, but he’ll be there to pick you up,” Soda explained, turning his focus back to the eggs. “Said some idiot messed up half the roof and they have to redo the whole thing.”

Pony sat down at the table—Soda put a plate of eggs and toast down in front of him. He ate as much as he could and snorted a little as Soda scarfed his own plate down in a few bites. Soda had always had a huge appetite.

“Jeez Soda, who’s been starving you?”

Soda rolled his eyes at the comment. “You better eat up instead of running your mouth all mornin’.”

“I’m full.” Pony replied as he pushed the plate a little further away. He didn’t have much of an appetite after his nightmare.

“It’s alright, lemme take your plate.”

Soda picked up his dirty plate, eating the last bits of toast on it and heading to the sink to wash it off. Pony went through to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. Suddenly, someone beeped their horn from outside. 

“Hurry up!” Steve’s muffled yell carried a hint of annoyance.

Ponyboy quickly grabbed his backpack and went out the front door, where Steve and Two-Bit were already chatting away in the front seats of the car. He quickly hopped in the car and barely had time to close the door when Steve slammed on the gas. Soda was ranting to Steve about how the DX stopped selling his favorite sandwich over the sound of a song playing on the radio. Pony turned his head and looked out the window, not listening to Steve, Two-Bits, and Soda's banter. It was late October, and the trees along the streets were turning the most beautiful shades of crimson and gold. It was the same color as sunsets.

Johnny and Dallas won’t see this again

The car came to a screeching stop that threw Pony forwards and snapped him out of his thoughts. Soda hastily got out of the car and grabbed his stuff.

“See ya after school Pones." he waved as he ran into the DX.

Steve stepped on the gas again and drove to school. He drove carefully into the busy parking lot and parked the car. They all hopped out of the car and started to walk into the school building.

“Remember Darry will pick you up kid.” Steve said to him before him and Two-Bit walked off.

Ponyboy stood alone for a few seconds—wishing Johnny was with him—before stepping forwards into the building. The halls were busy, teachers scurried about busily and kids either walked to their lockers or stood in their own groups. The divides between greaser and soc had become more apparent after Bob died—everyone sticking to their own. Pony tried to look down as he moved to his locker. People still gave him dirty looks. It was mostly soc’s who glanced at him like he was just another piece of greaser trash. He tried not to listen when people whispered when he walked past. 

Murderer

Even if he wasn’t even the one who’d stabbed Bob—and no matter how much Bob deserved it—people still treated him like he’d snap at any moment and try to hurt him. It was so isolating. He was putting his stuff into his locker when someone came up behind him. 

“What’s the baby Curtis doing all on his lonesome?” a familiar voice teased.

Ponyboy snorted as he turned around to see Curly Shepard standing behind him. Curly was just barely a year older than Pony. His greasy hair was the same color as his black leather jacket, and he had blue eyes that were dark like the sea. He had his usual shit-eating grin plastered over his face. 

“Aww piss off Curly” Ponyboy smiled a little “What brings you here anyways?”

“Well I was planning to go to have a little party Tomorrow, let off some fireworks and stuff” he explained “Hey, maybe you could even finally talk to a girl.”

Curly was laughing as he dodged Pony's punch.

“Yeah sure I’ll go if Darry lets me”

“Forget Darry—It’ll be a good time” someone called out to Curly from down the hall “Anyways Horseman, I gotta run now. See ya there”

“Bye Curly” Ponyboy rolled his eyes and flipped him off. Curly strode away confidently, most socs keeping their distance. 

Ponyboy put some books in his locker and began walking to his first class, advanced math. He was the only greaser in the class—and wasn’t exactly popular with the socs—so he found a seat near the window where he could try to sit in peace. The teacher, Mr Benson, walked in and told the class to turn to page 5 in their textbooks. He was old, with snow-colored hair and a fluffy beard that made him almost look like Santa Claus.

A paper ball hit the back of his head, but he didn’t even bother looking up. A second one landed on his desk, followed by some snickers, but he still didn’t open it. Ponyboy flicked it off his desk and continued with his work. It was a few minutes later when another crumpled paper ball landed on his desk, startling him a little and snapping him out of his daydreaming. He let his curiosity get the better of him and opened it.

Unfolding the piece of paper, his breath caught in his throat for a second. It was a shitty drawing of a fountain with blood around it. He looked back to see some socs snickering to one another. He flipped them off and went back to his work. He gripped the pencil a little too tight as he went back to work, almost drifting off to sleep at multiple points during class. 

The next few periods were a blur and he barely talked in any of his classes. It was lunch time, Ponyboy had a few dollars for the cafeteria that Darry had given him at the start of the week. The cafeteria was packed with hungry students—who were also pretty loud—all squabbling over the mediocre food they were served. Pony stood in the lunch line by himself. The lunch lady smiled at him slightly as he got a slice of pizza and a Pepsi. He took his food with him as he slipped out of the cafeteria. He climbed up the stairs to the top of the building, eventually getting to the roof. The roof was empty as usual, except for him. He sighed as he sat down on the smooth concrete.

Ever since Johnny and Dally's deaths he hadn’t any motivation for socializing. The few friends he’d had left in track had decided to stop talking to him entirely. He didn’t want anyone seeing him sitting alone by himself every day—and he couldn’t hang out with Two-Bit all the time—so he just went up to eat by himself on the roof. He could look down onto parts of the school, everyone was laughing and joking around with their friends. However, he was just sitting on a roof in solitude. Pony would try to distract himself with homework or reading but the ache of loneliness was always sitting heavy in his chest. He’d tried to make friends but it was futile, he was too awkward and unlikeable to make his way into any friend groups. Besides, how could he be laughing and enjoying his life when his close friends were lying six feet under?

I don’t deserve to be happy

He sipped on his Pepsi, the sweet taste of it flowing across his tongue and easing his nerves a little. The roof was rather peaceful, and it allowed Pony to just sit in silence and breathe. Even if it was lonely up on the roof, it helped him forget about his worries—even if just for a short while.

He took a bite of his pizza, but it vaguely tasted of something awfully familiar.

Pony could only really think about the church then, and how they’d probably eaten a year's worth of bologna. Ponyboy took a few more bites of his pizza and sips of his Pepsi before putting it aside. He felt waves of nausea and clutched his stomach a little. His food left the aftertaste of bologna in his mouth. Standing up slightly shakily, he made his way down the stairs from the roof to the bathrooms. When he opened the bathroom door he was immediately hit with the stench of piss and old cigarette smoke. The world around him spun as he practically fell down in front of a toilet. Ponyboy held the edge of the toilet seat with shaking hands as he heaved up greenish vomit into the bowl. A powerful wave of sickness hit him again as he vomited up the last of his lunch. He lay back against the stall door and breathed deeply, the retched feeling in his stomach was starting to fade away now. A few tears fell down his face and he had to bite his fist to stop himself sobbing. It felt like the world was closing in again.

“God I miss you Johnny,” he muttered quietly to himself “Why’d you have to leave me? Why’d you both have to leave me?”

Whenever he used to be upset, Johnny would’ve put his arm around his shoulders and just sat there with him until he stopped crying. Johnny would never press him to talk about anything if he didn’t want to and when he did talk, he’d always just sit and listen patiently until Ponyboy got everything off his chest. 

And Dally, he would’ve probably told him to quit thinking too hard about things. He would’ve taken him out for milkshakes or driven him to the movies. Dallas would always find a way to lighten up Ponyboys day, shaking him out of his thoughts and letting him just be.

They’re gone

He waited on the smelly bathroom floor until his tears stopped flowing. Pony didn’t want anybody seeing him like this, he’d never get over the embarrassment of crying in the bathroom at lunch alone. It was bad enough having half the school look at him like a cockroach, let alone think he was a big cry baby.

You’re pathetic

He slowly got up and left the cubicle and splashed his face with cold water to make sure his eyes were no longer red. No one had to know about this. Pony breathed in deeply as he left that bathroom, finally free of the stagnant toilet air. Lunchtime was almost over so he began to walk over to his locker.

Pony opened his locker and grabbed the books he needed from his bag. The bell began to ring loudly, and people started pouring into the hallways. He just had to get through the last period and then he could go to his room and lie down. 

The last period was English—taught by a middle aged woman who he thought looked like a frog. He wasn’t really paying attention and was dozing off when a paper ball hit him on the back. When he turned around, it was the same socs who’d thrown paper at him in math. He flipped them off again and picked up the piece of paper. It said “you and you’re budies enjoy killing peopl?” and it had a little drawing of a bloody knife below it. Ponyboy rolled his eyes and ripped it up.

“At least learn to spell before you try to insult me.” he remarked, staring directly at the soc sitting in the middle of the group. Anger flashed across the soc’s face.

What was his name again? Harvey or something

“What the fuck did you just say to me?” Harvey spat. 

“Dumb and deaf, what a combo” Ponyboy couldn’t help himself as he replied. The soc clenched his jaw and was about to yell something back when the teacher turned her attention to them.

“Boys, is there a problem?”

“Everything's fine, miss, just chatting with my good buddy Ponyboy over here,” Harvey said in an overly friendly voice. Pony just rolled his eyes.

“Turn around and do your work boys” the teacher said “And Ponyboy, we need to talk after class”

Ponyboy nodded, ignoring the laughs of the socs behind him as he turned back to his work. The teacher continued to drone on for the rest of the lesson and Pony practically fell asleep for the last ten minutes. Finally the bell rang and everyone rushed quickly out the door. Ponyboy however, went begrudgingly over to the teachers desk. 

“Mr Curtis,” the teacher said, taking in his appearance for a brief moment before turning to her papers. “I understand you’ve had a . . . difficult past few months.”

No, you don’t

She pulled out a drawer and rummaged around like a feral racoon through a rubbish bin. After some time looking through her drawers and muttering under her breath, she pulled out a piece of paper. She slid it towards him with her ancient wrinkly hands and Ponyboy's jaw fell open slightly when he saw what was on it. Ponyboy was the first to break the awkward silence. 

“What . . . what is this?” he looked down with his brow furrowed. It couldn’t be true. He stared down at his paper, his eyes unfocused.

I’m a failure.

What will Darry say?

God I am so fucking stupid

Ponyboy tried to look away but the big red letter F was seared into the back of his eyeballs. He clenched his jaw a little as he was hit by feelings of nausea. The entire world around him spun. 

“I simply can’t keep making excuses for you.” The teacher's voice cut through him like a knife. “I’m sorry Ponyboy but if you keep failing your assessments you may fail the entire class.”

He looked up at his teacher's face. Her brow was furrowed in an emotion he couldn’t quite place. She looked at him, her wood brown eyes filled with pity. 

I don’t need her charity

“Um,” Ponyboy stammered out dumbly, “I should probably go.”

He scurried as fast as he could to his locker and grabbed his backpack before heading down the school's front steps. His heart was beating so hard and fast he thought it might explode out of his chest. Leaves swirled in small piles across the cracked pavement of the school car park. The autumnal air was crisp and clean. Teens walked out of school-greaser and soc alike-smiling happily with all their friends. The entire world carried on with life while Ponyboy fought to hold back a breakdown. Pony looked around the carpark for a second, his eyes eventually landing on a familiar truck. He exhaled shakily and clenched his fists so hard that his nails drew blood.

Darry stood against the hood of the truck, arms crossed as he looked around. When Ponyboy approached him, he jumped a little before standing up straighter. 

“Jesus Pony you scared me,” he laughed nervously.

“Sorry Dar,” 

Ponyboy clambered into the seats of the truck, Darry coming round the other side and slamming the door. He fiddled with the car key in his calloused hands and brought the engine to life. Pony’s heart still raced like he had just ran a marathon.

When they started driving, Darry broke the silence “How was your day kiddo?”

“Um, it was alright”

It wasn’t

Darry glanced in the rear view mirror and frowned slightly as he looked Ponyboy up and down.

“You sure Pony,” he said, trying to hide the worry in his voice “You look pale,”

“Im fine”

I'm not fine.

Darry clenched his jaw slightly, his eye twitching. His lie was obvious even for a fool. Darry rubbed his eyes with one hand and sighed.

“Ponyboy we’ve talked about this,” Darry tried his best to hide the annoyance in his voice. “You can talk to me if something's bothering you.”

“I just feel a little sick, it’s really nothing”

Ponyboy knew his brother was looking at him, he could sense the look of worry on his face, and he felt too ashamed to even meet his eye. Ponyboy stared absent mindedly out the window until the truck pulled into the driveway. His heart had gradually slowed down, but the crushing feeling in his chest remained.

Darry can’t know I'm a failure

“C’mon Pones,” Darry said to him as they walked to the front door “Soda said he was making dinner extra special tonight.”

Ponyboy gave a weak laugh. “I hope it’s not dyed purple again.”

“Me too lil’ buddy”

Chapter Text

Ponyboy sat slumped at the dinner table, looking down at his plate with discontent. It was filled with chicken and potatoes, luckily not dyed a strange color. Even though the nostalgic smell filled his nostrils—reminding him of his mothers amazing cooking—he had little appetite. Two-bit and Steve were both out somewhere which left just his brothers and an awkward silence.

“So Pony, how was your day?” Soda’s voice seemed to slice across the table, even though he spoke with no malice.

“Um, it was,” Pony made fleeting eye contact with Soda before looking away “It was good”

“You don’t sound so sure kiddo.”

Get off my case Soda

Ponyboy bit his tongue and started picking through his dinner, using his fork to dig around in the food that had sat virtually untouched in front of him for the past twenty minutes. He stabbed a potato with a little more force than necessary. Looking up from his plate, his eyes met his brothers. Soda smiled softly but his eyes watched him anxiously. 

“Yeah it was fine, really.” Pony tried to smile a little when he replied “Just tired is all”

“Okay I believe you,” Soda stared at him for a few seconds longer and then turned back to his meal. Ponyboy let out the air he’d been holding in as he relaxed a little.

“How come Two-Bit and Steve don’t see you at school anymore,” Soda's words—although not harsh—slapped him hard. Pony felt his emotional facade drop briefly, eyes widening and body tensing. He pulled it back up quickly and took a deep breath. Luckily for him, Soda hadn’t seemed to notice it as he was gnawing on a big piece of chicken like a hungry lion.

“I um,” Ponyboy looked off to the side slightly as the lie took shape on his tongue. “I . . . sit with some people from track at lunch and I usually go between classes quickly to avoid trouble.” 

Soda raised his eyebrow a little at that statement. Ponyboy could feel the shame bubbling up in his chest.

“Two-Bits to busy flirting with girls anyways. And Steve’s, well you know me and him aint exactly best buds. I’m honestly surprised I haven’t seen them more.”

He smiled a little at the end of his lie to Soda to make it seem more convincing, although he was barely able to hide his voice breaking slightly in the middle. He couldn’t start crying to his brothers, not now. They’d just think of him as a baby even more than they already did. How the fuck was he supposed to explain to them that he was an absolute nobody at school, and his only real friendly interactions with other people was with Curly Sheppard. Pony’s brothers both hated Curly Sheppard, especially Darry. He doubted they'd even care if he said Curly was his only shot at a real friend.

They’ll really think I'm a loser if they know I cry alone at lunch.

Ponyboy bit the inside of his cheek to ground himself from his thoughts. Darry, who had been quietly observing the recent conversation with his misty blue eyes, finally opened his mouth to speak.

“Pony, y’know you can tell us if something’s goin’ on.” 

“But I’m good, really I promise.” Pony put every ounce of sincerity he could manage into his voice.

“Ponyboy I came so close to losing you and I do think I can go through that again,” Darry ran his hand through his hair and locked his eyes with Ponyboy’s “I’m getting tired of this y’know,”

“Darry I-”

“Cut the crap Pony!” Frustration rippled across Darry’s face. “Pony I know it’s been hard for you after mom and dad died, and I know you're still screwed up after Dal and Johnny, but so are we! You need to start living again, Pony. You barely eat, you don’t talk to us, you spend all your free time hiding out in your room. You can't grieve them forever and you know that. Ponyboy Michael Curtis you have got to move on eventually because this isn’t any good for you, you dig?”

Ponyboy winced at the words that came from Darry’s mouth. He looked down, his eyes brimming with hurt. Everyone had moved on like they didn’t even care, and now they were acting like something was wrong with him just because he actually missed his friends. 

“Soda-” Ponyboy looked hopefully up at his big brother. 

Sodapop was usually the middle ground between him and Darry. He was the rope being tugged back and forth in Ponyboy and Darry's arguments, but he would bear the brunt of it with a smile. He was able to diffuse the situation with his too big of a heart and open them up to each other's points of view. At least, that’s what normally happened when he and Darry fought.

“Huh,” Soda had been staring off into the distance and blinked twice as his eyes focused. His expression was sullen as his usual mask of carefree positivity had cracked and broken away. A crease formed in between his eyebrows as he fidgeted with his fingers.

“Pony,” Soda sighed, looking even sadder “Dar’ does have a point. When are you gonna start tryna live again?”

Ponyboy felt a hot, salty tear slide down his left cheek. He hastily wiped it away and stood up, embarrassed. He felt so betrayed.

“So you’re both just gonna forget em’” another tear slid down Pony's cheek and he bit back a sob “I guess it just goes to show what you guys really thought of them.”

Soda recoiled a little as though he’d been physically hit and his face contorted deeper into sadness. Darry clenched his jaw hard and stared at the wall, his eyes swam with regret.

“Pony please-” Soda’s voice broke a little as he desperately looked to Darry.

“Forget it” Ponyboy stormed down the hallway “Just like you forgot them.” 

He didn’t look back as he slammed his bedroom door so hard he felt the house shake a little. He tumbled forwards onto his bed as his knees buckled, grabbing his pillow and holding it close to his chest. The aching in his heart felt like a black hole, consuming all his light and leaving him empty and sad. His body shook with the sobs he couldn’t hold back anymore. Ponyboy bawled until the pillow was drenched in his despair, and even his eyes became too tired to keep crying.

Ponyboy rolled onto his back, the old mattress groaning as he repositioned himself and looked up at the ceiling. The glow in the dark stars Soda and him had put up when they were little were still there. Their dad had bought them on discount while on the way home from work—although they were still a little expensive—as a treat for his sons. Darry had thought they were too babyish for him, but Ponyboy and Sodapop had thought they were the coolest things in the whole wide world. Even after all this time, they still softly glowed with the memories of his childhood. Their dim green light was like an anchor, letting Ponyboy slip away from his uncertain life and into the innocent safety of his childhood.

“Soda aren’t they pretty” Ponyboy had squeaked, his green eyes looking up at their masterpiece on their ceiling. 

Glow in the dark stars were spread across the ceiling seemingly at random, but Ponyboy had put deep thought into where each one should go. Soda was just barely tall enough to reach it, as he’d had a recent growth spurt. Pony had made a pile of his books and toys so he could reach it without Soda helping him, but decided to let Soda give him a piggyback when he’d fallen and almost broken his neck. 

“Yeah, I guess so.” Soda said back coolly. “You think Ma will like it?”

“I hope so.” Ponyboy had replied, playing with his little fingers nervously.

Ponyboy was snapped out of his memory by the sound of hushed voices down the hallway. Darry and Sodapop were having some kind of argument, although he couldn’t quite make out what they were saying. It was rare that Darry and Soda argued but when they did it usually meant that things were bad. There was a loud sigh before a pair of heavy feet stomped down the hallway, stopping outside his room and slowly turning the doorknob. A sliver of light shone in through the crack in the door and Darry stuck his head in. Ponyboy immediately sat up and looked at him, wiping his eyes to get rid of any remnants of his tears. 

“Hey little buddy,” he made an attempt to smile but it did nothing to hide the worry written all over his face.

Darry walked forwards and sat down next to Pony, setting his half-eaten plate of dinner down on the bedside table. The mattress sank a little next to Pony, sighing tiredly along with Darry. His elder brother ran his hands through his hair, something he did all too often whenever he was tired or stressed. 

“I heated it up for you,” Darry said, still looking at the wall. “Didn’t want you to go hungry.”

“Thanks.” Pony muttered solemnly.

“You wanna talk about dinner?” 

After a long pause Pony replied “No”

Darry let out an exasperated sigh and turned to look at Pony. Pony bit his lip.

“Pony I-” Darry spoke cautiously, choosing his upcoming words as if the wrong ones would set off a bomb. “I shouldn’t have said that so harshly, but-”

“But what?” Ponyboy blurted out impatiently. How could Darry possibly think he was in the right.

“Ponyboy I worry about you.” he replied “I’ve worried about you since the day you were born and I just can’t stand seeing you like this.”

“I'm okay,”

“No Pony, you think I can’t tell when my kid brother is not doin’ good?” Darry shot back “Pones y’know I wanna look out for you, but I can’t if I don’t even know what’s going on in that big head of yours. You gotta tell someone, don't have to be me either, you can go tell Soda about it, heck, you could even go tell ol’ Two-Bit. I don’t care who it is as long as you tell someone, yah dig?”

How would you know?

“I dig”

“Good” Darry patted Ponyboy on the shoulder and ruffled his hair as he stood up “Make sure you finish off your dinner before bed. Soda will come in shortly.”

Darry stood up and walked over to the doorway, glancing back at him briefly before shutting his door. Ponyboy looked over to the plate of dinner and felt sick. Even though it was one of his favorite meals, it tasted like nothing when he plopped a piece of potato into his mouth. He ate as much as he could until the feelings of nausea in his stomach got too strong and overpowered the guilt he felt from wasting Sodas dinner he'd worked so hard on. Soda had pulled out their mothers old recipe book for this and now he was just wasting it like an ungrateful brat. He picked up the plate and dropped it back on the nightstand to maybe finish later. 

Ponyboy tiredly got to his feet and walked into the bathroom, passing Darry in the hallway who was carrying some official looking documents in his left hand. Curiously, he tried to look at what the papers said but Darry walked by too fast and he didn’t seem to be in the mood to answer. He washed his face and brushed his teeth, lethargically slipping into bed. 

Sodapop walked in just as Ponyboy’s eyes started to shut. He pretended to be asleep, not wanting to have to talk to Soda about what happened. He was too guilty that he’d hurt Soda's feelings that night. 

Soda grabbed the plate of dinner off the nightstand, letting out a grunt and finishing whatever food was left. Pony heard him stomp away to the kitchen and come back after brushing his teeth. He felt the bedsheets slowly being pulled back as Soda got down into bed with a sigh. Everything was quiet and still for a while before Soda decided to speak.

“I’m sorry lil buddy for hurtin’ yah.” Soda put an arm around Pony and snuggled into him. “I just hate seeing you like this, we all do”

I’m sorry too

Ponyboy couldn’t bring himself to say those words. He was too filled with shame and guilt from hurting his brother.

“Night kiddo.”

Pony rolled into Soda a little more.

“Night.” he mumbled, falling asleep almost as soon as the words escaped his mouth. He started to dream again.

Chapter Text

The night sky stretched forever above him, black and starless. Pale blue streetlights along the sidewalk pierced the mist that swirled along the street. The air was thick, cold, and still. Ponyboy ran down the road at full tilt, the only sounds were the rhythmic thumping of his beat up converse and heaving of his chest. 

Why was he running again?

His leg muscles screamed at him to stop moving forwards but he couldn’t slow down now. A shadow of impending doom loomed over him and sat heavy on his shoulders. He thought he could hear the sound of more footsteps behind him-all running in sync-but his eyes were locked forwards. Still barreling down the road, he saw flashing red and blue lights at the edge of his tunnel vision. He had a real bad feeling about wherever he was headed but he just couldn’t stop.

A figure burst out of the fog, Pony couldn’t quite make out the blur of his pale face and light hair. There was a deafening crack, followed by several more explosions of a gun. The sound reverberated around the street as if he was underwater, coming from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. He tried to cover his ears as he came to a halt and swayed on his feet. The figure began to fall in slow motion, his legs buckling under him as he toppled forwards. His body shook and rippled as something Pony couldn’t quite see slammed into him with great force. Red spots began to bloom across the man's jean jacket. 

“Pony . . .” The man was crawling forwards with considerable effort, gasping out the words between gargled breaths. 

Ponyboy tried to focus on his face but the world around him was already beginning to shift and spin uncontrollably around him. His heart was slammed against his ribs, his hands were shaking. When he focused on the man’s face, his heart skipped a beat. The man was Dallas Winston. 

“Dal,” Pony tried to say softly but it didn’t sound like him.

His voice sounded warped and distant, like an old recording. Dally’s wide eyes locked with his and bore into him with incomprehensible loss, but also something else, triumph. He let out another croaking breath before his teary eyes rolled upwards and he went limp. Dark red blood leaked out from under Dally’s crumpled body and created a crimson pond on the asphalt. 

“WAKE UP PONY,” a voice shouted from everywhere and nowhere at the same time “GODDAMMIT PONYBOY, WAKE UP!”

Someone was shaking him but it felt faraway. Ponyboy's vision blurred—his legs weakening and giving away beneath him—as he stumbled dumbly and fell backwards.

Pony didn’t know where he was, the dark room around him was spinning in a massive blur. Adrenaline coursed through his veins as he thrashed around like a caged animal. A pair of arms wrapped themselves strongly around his waist and held him still in a bear hug. He tried to suck in air but he couldn’t breathe. His heart was beating too fast and his diaphragm spasmed out of control, the world was closing in around him.

The same images of Dally raced through his mind over and over again like a broken record. Dally’s body recoiling and falling down as the bullets ripped through him, blood blooming from his broken frame, the look of anguish on his face as his eyes glazed over. It was too much. His heart squeezed so hard he thought it might explode.

Someone swore beside him and the muscular arms squeezed him closer, Callused hands rubbing him soothingly.

“Baby I've got you” the world started to come into focus now, the steady rubbing continuing “Just breathe for me okay, just breathe.”

“D-Dar” Ponyboy managed to groan out. 

“Sshhhh,” Darry shushed him, hugging him tightly and rocking him back and forth slightly. “Just breathe for me, okay. I’ve got you baby, I’ve got you”

Pony’s heart rate was starting to level out. He snuggled into Darry’s chest, letting his body go limp and taking deep breaths. 

“God Pones, ya scared me something awful.” Soda chuckled weakly and Ponyboy felt the sting of embarrassment.

“M’ sorry.” Pony tried to bury his face even deeper into Darry’s chest, hoping to hide his face heating up.

I’m such a burden

They probably think I'm just a baby

“You wanna talk about it little colt?” Darry asked, his voice soft. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

“I dunno,” Ponyboy mumbled back “I’m tired Dar”

“It’s okay kiddo,” Darry gave him a small kiss on the head before standing up and walking back to his room.

Soda immediately rushed down to Pony’s side and through his arms around him. This time it was Soda who was the one who was burying himself in Pony’s side. 

“Are you okay, Pones?” Sodapop said shakily “You started screaming and flailing around like a fish outta water! I tried to calm you down and then you stopped breathing. Then Darry came in and finally snapped ya outta it.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t say that, Pones,” Soda snapped back at him.

“Sorry.”

Sodapop sighed and rubbed his eyes, shaking his head “You’ve been having a lot of these bad nightmares lately, maybe we should go and get you to see a-”

“No.” Ponyboy shot out angrily, before trying to speak again in a calmer tone “I just—need time that’s all. Besides, it’s not like I have them every night.”

“Mhm,” Soda grumbled “Go back to sleep, Pones, it’s real late and a little shut eye will make you feel better.”

“Night Soda,”

“Night Pones” Soda turned on his side and wrapped his arm around Pony. 

Sodapop was out like a light, but Pony still lay awake in his arms. His brother held him tightly like a stuffed animal. Ponyboy didn’t go back to sleep, both because he didn’t want to, and because he couldn't. He couldn’t bear seeing Dally’s death again, every time it hit him just the same and hurt him just as hard. So he lay there in the dark in his brother's embrace. Every time he felt his heavy eyelids start to close he had to subconsciously slap himself. He knew if he let himself rest—even if just for five seconds—he wouldn’t be able to wake up again until morning and he’d dream of that awful memory all over again. 

He lay awake staring up at the window, the moon's ghostly light shining in and illuminating him and his brother’s shared bedroom. The seconds ticked by, then they turned into minutes, and then into hours. Pony was getting exhausted, he’d been up for who knew how long and the deep blue light of sunrise was already creeping its way through cracks in the blinds. His right side hurt something awful from lying on it in the same position for the past hours and he’d started to get hot and uncomfortable—Soda was like a human furnace. When he finally started to let his eyes close he heard the footsteps of Darry down the hallway. 

Shit

Well there was definitely no point in sleeping now, he might as well be using the extra time to get ready for school. Carefully slipping out of bed, Pony got up and put on the first shirt he found within arms length. He yawned and rubbed his eyes, stretching his sore right arm and shoulder with a few pops from his joints. There was a definite sweat stain when he looked down at the mattress that was in the faint outline of his body. 

He plodded out of the room and into the kitchen, opening up the pantry and scanning the shelves for something to eat. It had been a while since they’d last been grocery shopping so the pantry was as barren as the desert. Besides cereal—the cheap brand Darry would often get on clearance—there was just bread and an old pack of half-used pasta that was probably moldy by now. They’d have to go shopping soon, they hadn’t been in a while because money had been tight lately. 

He pulled out an old bowl from the drawers under the kitchen counter and started pouring in the cereal. He’d greedily dumped the last of the cereal into the bowl when he looked up and saw Darry staring directly at him.

“Morning Dar” Pony said awkwardly, standing frozen like a deer in the headlights under his brother's piercing gaze.

“Morning Pony” Darry turned back down to his own bowl “You’re up early.”

“Yeah, figured I’d give myself a head start to get to school.” Ponyboy explained, avoiding looking in the direction of his brother while pouring the near expired carton of milk into his cereal. 

“Mhm” His big brother hummed apprehensively “By getting up at the ass crack of dawn?”

Pony watched nervously as Darry glanced up from his paper and cocked his eyebrow. “I just have um . . . a test.” 

“A test?”

“Yeah for English,” he replied—the lie slipping a little too easily off his tongue.

“Hey, didn't you already have some essay for that?”

Shit

Darry didn't know about his failed English assessment yet, and he planned on keeping it that way.

“Um yeah but we have another upcoming one I should study for.”

“You need help? I can ask your teacher for extra-”

“It’s fine Dar.” Pony snapped.

He knew he was being too defensive—he had to pray that Darry was just too tired to pick up on it.

“Okay lil’ Buddy I’m just tryna help you here okay?”

“Yeah, I know.”

Grabbing a clean enough looking spoon, Ponyboy went and pulled out a chair opposite from Darry. His brother really did look like an old man and not just because of his slight wrinkles that seemed to be permanently carved into his face, undoubtedly from worrying because of him. Darry sat always slightly tense and he never seemed to fully relax anymore. The way he ate his breakfast while flicking through pages of the newspaper almost reminded him of his dad—he missed his dad an awful lot.

He only managed to eat half of his cereal, as he was both nauseous and it tasted kind of off. Darry lifted his head from the paper when Pony got up to bring his unfinished bowl to the sink.

“Why aren’t you eating?” he scolded, frustration rising in his voice.

“Not hungry.” Pony replied dryly.

Darry his out a long sigh and got up to walk towards him. He thought Darry was coming over to yell at him, but when Darry slid a few coins over to him from his pocket he was just confused.

“What’s that for?”

“Lunch,” Darry said matter-of-factly. “You needa eat more—ya won’t get good grades on an empty tank.”

“But you gave me some at the start of the week. You don’t have to-”

“You think I don’t know when my kid brother isn’t eating, I don’t know what you spent that money on but I saw an awful new looking pack of cigarettes fall outta your drawers.” 

Ponyboy flinched a little, god he was so awful. He felt his face heat up with shame—Darry wasn’t meant to find out. Darry had given him lunch money and he’d blown half of it on cigs, plus whenever he actually got food he’d barely eat it and often just threw it up. What a waste.

“Dar I’m sorry.” he had to bite his tongue to keep his tears contained and not cry like a baby.

“It’s fine, just promise you’ll get something proper to eat today alright.”

“Yeah, m’srry”

“Two-Bit will drive you home from school today.” Darry trudged over to the doorway and started lacing up his work boots while turning in the direction of Pony’s room “SODA! Wake up now or I’ll drag you out myself.”

“I’m up! I’m up!.” Soda hollered back from bed.

Ponyboy decided to go to the shower and clean himself up. The shower sprung to life with a loud hiss as he once again turned up the temperature all the way. Hot water engulfed him once again, surrounding his body like a warm hug. He first got to work on his hair, using some of Soda’s shampoo—that smelled strongly of pine—to strip all the grime from his scalp.

When he dried off with a towel and looked in the mirror he was taken aback by how exhausted he looked. There were dark, ugly purple rings beneath his eyelids—not to mention his hollow looking cheeks. Since when had he lost so much weight? He checked out his body a little in the mirror, and felt a little disgusted at what he saw in the reflection. Ponyboy was even more scrawny than before and his ribs poked out slightly, making him look more like a little kid. If Darry saw him like this he’d probably explode on the spot. At least maybe it could help with track? It could probably help him be faster or something—besides most food didn’t taste very appetizing to him anymore.

“Pony hurry up.” Soda banged on the door.

“One second!”

“What are you doing anyways? Trying to impress a girl?” His brother teased.

“Oh shove off” Pony quipped back, pushing his freshly washed hair off his face.

He felt his ears go hot and threw on a fresh T-shirt hastily to cover up his body, then put on some of his jeans that were getting a bit too small for his liking. Soda came bursting into the room just as he picked up a comb and started to grease his hair back, causing him to jump a little.

“Jesus Christ do you ever knock?” he scowled.

“You take too long Pones,” Sodapop leaned forwards and messed up Ponyboy’s blond hair.

Pony shoved him away and let out a sigh, trying desperately to fix his hair again. He brushed his teeth and padded out the bathroom, heading to his room to shove on his shoes. He muttered goodbye to Darry and was about to head out the door when Darry grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Pony, remember to get something to eat today.” his big brother told him sternly.

“Yeah yeah,” Ponyboy moved to shove Darry’s massive hand off his arm and walk out the door, but Darry’s grip tightened.

“I’m serious kiddo. If you don’t start eating more I won’t hesitate to take you to a doctor, you dig? I know we both don’t want that.”

“Yeah, I dig.” Pony all but growled back.

“Have a good day at school.”

Ponyboy practically slammed the door in Darry's face, hearing him mutter something under his breath. Why did everyone think something was wrong with him? He wasn’t some fragile little kid who needed looking after. 

“Hey Pones,” Two-Bit greeted him cheerfully when he got into the truck.

“What’s got you in a tizzy?” grumbled Steve, looking back at Pony in the rear view mirror as he hit the gas.

I’m not in the fucking mood for this Steve

“Just drive Steve.”

“What do ya think I’m doin” Steve muttered under his breath and rolled his eyes.

The streets raced by in a blur of color which Pony didn’t care much to focus on. Ponyboy let his mind start to wander again and he zoned out. He thought of a cool joke to say to Johnny, and was about to say it when he turned to his side, only to be met with an empty seat. His face dropped back down as he remembered, falling hard out of his daydreams. How stupid could he be?

He’s Gone

Pony could see the empty spaces left by Johnny and Dally all around him. Their deaths had ripped holes in the gang and left behind a strange void where they should’ve been. It had taken a month for him to really accept they were actually gone forever—on bad days he’d curl up under his covers and pretend that they were still here. Pony would spend hours curled up in bed, making up elaborate fake conversations with them so he wouldn’t have to face the truth. 

Maybe he was going crazy, he’d heard of people going mad after loved ones died—and he’d also heard about what happened when they were taken away to asylums. He pushed that thought down. Was he crazy? He knew he wasn’t coping the best with his friends' deaths, Darry had even suggested therapy once but he’d shut that down quickly because he probably would just be seen as a big cry baby. Why couldn’t everyone just let him grieve? It was like everyone had quietly moved on and left him behind to suffer alone in the dirt. No one in the gang talked about it, everyone just treated it as if nothing even really happened and their dead friends had never existed in the first place. 

“Earth to Ponyboy,” Two-Bit snapped his fingers in front of his face and knocked him out of his daze.

“Huh?” Ponyboy replied dumbly.

“You’ve been staring at your hands for the past five minutes like one of those zombies in those movies you watch.”

“Oh” His ears went a little red. “Sorry.”

“What’re you sorry for kid?” Two-Bit raised an eyebrow “Anyways, how come me and Stevie can barely catch a glimpse of ya at school?”

Shit 

How was he going to explain to Two-Bit and Steve that he sat alone like a total loser every single school day. They’d probably just start laughing at him. Pony had to think of something smart to say back quickly or he would be done for.

“Maybe if you focused more on school and less on flirting with juniors, you’d see me around more.”

“And do you ever talk to girls Ponykid?” Two-Bit snorted.

“Not like you get any anyways ya big bum.” 

“How could you?” Two-Bit covered his chest with feigned hurt, "I'll have you know I’m the most handsome man around.”

“Mhm” Ponyboy simply rolled his eyes and Steve snorted.

Luckily for Ponyboy, Two-Bit had seemed to forget about his previous question for the rest of the car ride. Even still, Ponyboy was eager to get out of there and was already opening the door as the car stopped in the parking lot of Will Rogers. 

“Why’re you in such a hurry?” Steve asked as he slammed the door.

“Don’t wanna be late for my class, gotta go, bye!” Pony waved to Steve, slung his backpack around both shoulders, and hastily made his way through the parking lot and up the school steps. 

He hurriedly made his way to his locker—ignoring some girls who were looking at him giggling to themselves—and grabbed a few books he’d need. He rushed into his first period class, finding a seat near the window and keeping his head down on his work. Ponyboy hadn’t even looked up to answer the roll call. The work wasn’t hard, it was just boring—he just had little energy to complete it nowadays—so he doodled and daydreamed into period two. 

Science came and went. His two lab partners, Mark and Ben, were absolutely incompetent so Pony was left to do all the work. He hoped the science professor wouldn’t mark him badly because of it. 

Whenever Darry saw him get anything lower than an A he would get extremely pissed, although after Windrixville he’d yell less and just be unbearably disappointed. Darry didn’t care Pony was moved up a year and he only really seemed to actually be proud of him when he got perfect grades or did good in sports. It was his fault really—like every bad thing in his life—that Darry had to give up on his dreams to look after him. But now Darry was trying to live out his failed future through Ponyboy, and he resented him for that. 

The rest of his day flew by in a blur as usual. He was almost asleep when the bell had rung out, signaling the start of recess. Since when had he been so tired?

“Hey Grease!” 

Ponyboy whipped around, he knew that overly-friendly voice too well and it only meant trouble.

“What do you want?” He hissed, trying to look as tough as he possibly could.

“Woah, calm down I was just saying hello.” Harvey feigned hurt and the socs behind him all snickered “What’re you gonna do? Get ya friend to stab me, oh wait you can’t. How stupid of me, he died and now you're all alone.”

Harvey took a threatening step forward, but stopped when a figure came to Pony’s side.

“Is there a problem here?” 

Thank Fucking God 

Pony relaxed a little at the familiar voice coming to his aide, but he didn’t let his guard drop.

“N-no, we were just chatting.” Harvey looked anxious at the sight of Curly Sheppard.

Everyone knew that crossing him or his gang was a death wish. Pony had heard stories of Curly beating up guys to the verge of death for messing with his sister Angela. Curly’s very presence was enough to deter even the toughest of socs—and Ponyboy was very glad to be on his good side. 

“I think you’ve had enough gossip time, now kindly fuck off.” Curly glared so coldly that he could probably have turned all the socs to popsicles on the spot.

“Whatever grease” Harvey spat, storming off with his buddies in tow.

Curly and Pony stood there in an awkward silence, cautiously watching the socs strop down the hallway until they turned a corner out of sight.

“Um . . . thanks man, you kind of saved my ass back there.” Pony was the first to speak up.

“No problem.” Curly shrugged “One day I’m gonna jump that dickhead”

“Yeah he deserves it.” Ponyboy replied coolly.

“Hey, you wanna go get lunch with me?” Curly suggested.

“I-I mean if you want to, don’t you have other friends to go to anyways?” Ponyboy hated how awkward and dumb he sounded, he didn't want to be a burden to anyone more.

A look of hurt briefly flashed across Curly’s face before he spoke up, although he hid it as fast as it appeared “I mean I guess . . . but they're kinda boring anyways.”

“Oh, okay then.” 

Ponyboy was surprised—since when did people as cool as Curly Sheppard ever want to be his friend? He hadn’t really socialized properly in a while, so he’d happily take any opportunity he’d get. He’d do anything to close the hole in his heart and just feel normal for once.

Curly and Ponyboy walked side-by-side to the cafeteria, chatting a little about the party later that night that he’d completely forgotten about. How the hell would he convince Darry to let him go? Curly got a big plate of mac and cheese, while Ponyboy just grabbed an apple and a Pepsi.

“You aint hungry?” Curly had eyed up his small lunch curiously.

“Nah not really.” 

“Eh, fair enough.” Curly shrugged and to Ponyboys delight, didn’t press further. “Where d’ya wanna sit?”

“I dunno man,” Pony said calmly—then an idea popped into his head “Hey, why don’t we go to the roof? Nobody will be there to bug us.”

“Oh yeah,” Curly’s eyes lit up a little. “That’s one pretty smart idea baby Curtis, and I can smoke there too without any teachers giving me shit”

“Hey Pony!” 

He spun around at the speed of sound, and Curly tensed as if preparing to throw a punch. Pony relaxed slightly—but not completely—when he saw Two-Bit standing behind him with a half amused look on his face. 

“Pony what’re you doing hanging out with this bum?” Two-Bit gestured in the direction of Curly.

“What did you just say to me?” A dangerous expression flickered in Curly’s eyes.

“You needa stay away from him, Sheppard, yer nothing but trouble.”

Ponyboy had never been angry at Two-Bit before, at least that he remembered. How could Two-Bit even say that? Curly was the only person who actually treated him normally and he was trying to ruin that for him. 

“Lay off Two-Bit.” Ponyboy snapped.

“When your brothers hear about-”

“I don’t care what my brothers think, just let me live my life.”

“Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Two-Bit growled and turned on his heels, quickly disappearing in the crowd of the cafeteria.

“What the hell is his problem?” Curly said nonchalantly.

“My brothers get their knickers in a twist every time I even look in your direction. They think you're like evil incarnate or something.” Pony explained, still embarrassed by Two-Bits confrontation. “Sorry bout him, he shouldn't have talked to you like that.”

“It's whatever man.” Curly shrugged his shoulders. “Lets get outta here incase he comes back with the other one.”

“What other one?” Pony asked, mildly amused as they began walking out of the cafeteria and up the stairs that led to the roof.

“Y’know the one with the big nose.”

Ponyboy couldn’t help but let out a laugh “Steve?”

“Yeah!” Curly grinned “I mean, have you really seen the size of that thing? He’s like some kind of demented bird.”

“Not as ugly as you,” Ponyboy teased.

“Hey! I’m quite beautiful for your information.” Curly replied, grinning ear to ear 

“Uh huh.” 

“See, look” Curly pulled a dumb face in an attempt to look handsome and caused Pony to let out another laugh.

“Yeah, real pretty” He replied sarcastically.

"Yeah, all the ladies just love me." 

Pony laughed again, even harder and more carefree. For once in a long while, Ponyboy was able to live without the weight of his past on his chest. For once, he felt happy again.