Chapter Text
“His pulse is thriving” Clarke whispers.
I look at Jasper, gently brushing away pearls of sweat from his forehead. He moans in pain again and I grab his hand.
“Shut that kid up!” someone yells.
I snap my head in the direction of the voice, my throat itching from the insults I want to tell them. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Why am I not saying anything? Come on, they deserve it. I know they do. But I don’t say anything. Maybe because I'm a coward who can’t defend her friends.
“Don’t listen to them” Clarke says, I’m not sure if she’s talking to Jasper or me.
“Quiet!” someone else yells.
I can see how the comments are bothering her too. She's starting to doubt if he’ll make it. I can feel it.
“How about you go get Jasper some water?” I suggest, I need to get her away from here for some time, she needs it.
“Yeah, good idea” she doesn’t even hesitate “You keep an eye on him.”
I don’t answer, and neither does Monty, what else could we do if not stay by our friend’s side?
“Can’t he just die already?” another kid.
In that moment something in me switches. That is too much. I will stand up for my friend. I will not be useless.
“How about I kill you so you don’t have to hear him anymore?” I'm on my feet, yelling at someone I'm not even sure who is. No response “How about, if you are so disturbed by a person, a human being, fighting for his life, you go sleep somewhere else and leave us alone? How about you leave us to take care of our dying friend? How about that?” I'm out of breath and my chest rises and falls fast. No one speaks and I can see on their faces guilt and regret. “Dickheads.” I whisper.
I turn around and kneel again next to Jasper. My chest burns, of anger, of fear and of pride.
“Now you can relax. Make as many sounds as you need. I know you’re in pain. And now, they know it too. And they’re going to leave you alone” I brush some hair out of his face and leave a light kiss on his forehead. The saltiness of his sweat wets my lips and I realize how fucking scared I really am.
I did not sleep. Not all night at least. Not even half though. Not even two hours, summed. I'm still by Jasper’s side. After a while I sent Clarke to bed. Monty insisted on staying here. I had to fake sleeping to get him to sleep to. Now, we’re in the same situation as yesterday. Maybe worse. But I won’t let myself believe it. I can’t let myself believe it. I need to stay positive. Not only for Jasper, but for Monty and Clarke. And my mental sanity.
“The Grounders cauterized his wound. It saved his life” Clake is disinfecting his chest.
“So that means he’s going to live?” I whisper, too scared to sound hopeful.
“It’s...” she hesitates “It’s still too early to tell. This is infected. He could be septic.” She scoffs “My mother would know what to do.”
I grab her hand “Don’t say it like that. I mean, obviously your mom would know what to do. She's a certified doctor. And you’re a seventeen-year-old girl. And you’re still doing amazing” I really believe it, but I don’t know if she believes me.
She's still, looking into my eyes, studying my words. But, at last, a smile appears on her lips and I feel like I did something good.
“How’s he doing?” Wells appears behind her and her mood changes instantly.
“How does it look like he’s doing?”
“Just trying to help.”
“Right, you want to help? Hold him down.” he does, followed by Finn.
Clarke grabs a knife and holds the blade over a flame.
“I’m not going to like this, am I?” Monty says from behind me.
Clake looks up at him, then at me “Go to Monty. And don’t look.”
I do as she says. Maybe if he was someone else. Maybe if he wasn’t my friend. Maybe then I would have helped her. But now, in this situation, I knew I couldn’t handle watching him suffer more.
I crawl to Monty, hugging him and hiding my head in his chest. He wraps his arms around me. And then Jasper screams. A gut-wrenching scream. I grab my friend's shirt and his hug tightens. Clarke says something, but all I can concentrate on are Jasper's yells. I need to trust her. She knows what she’s doing. It's for Jasper’s good. But he’s suffering even more than he already was. And what if he dies anyway? What if all of this was for nothing? What if all this pain only made it worse for him? What if he just wants us to leave him alone? Does he realize we’re just trying to help him or does he wish for us to stop? Would he be able to tell us that? What if he’s silently begging us to not make him more miserable? What if he doesn’t even know it’s us and this only makes him more scared? What’s the right thing to do? What's the right choice? Are we really doing what’s best for him? Who are we to choose what’s good for him anyway?
Then I realize there’s silence and Monty loosened his grip.
“Stop it! You're killing him!” Octavia’s voice makes me turn.
“She’s trying to save his life” Finn says.
“She can’t.”
I look at Bellamy. What the hell is he doing here? Does he want to boss around everyone even here?
“Back off” Wells is standing in front of him.
“We didn’t drag him through miles of wood just to let him die” Clarke adds.
“Kid’s a goner.”
“Kid’s name is Jasper.” I interrupt him “And you don’t have a say over his life.”
“If you can’t see that you’re deluded, Sunshine. He's making people crazy.”
“Oh, no!” I say in a sarcastic voice “They can’t have their beauty sleep because a dying person is suffering? Poor them, that must be horrible.”
“Just look at him! He's a lost cause.”
“If you really need to be Mr. Optimism, you can go do it somewhere else. And while you’re on your way, why don’t you fuck yourself in the meantime?” I realize too late of the second part, that maybe is a little too mean. But I've already said it. The worst thing is, I'm not worried of what might be Bellamy’s opinion of me, I’m worried about Octavia’s. He's her brother. I don’t know what that means, but I’m quite sure I wouldn't be pleased if someone told my sibling to go fuck himself.
“Such ugly words from such a pretty mouth. Careful, Sunshine, if you’re so kind to me I might start believing you have a crush on me” and he smirks.
I'm stunned. I definitely did not expect that.
I don’t say anything. How could I?
Luckily Clake speaks for me “Octavia, I've spent my whole life watching my mother heal people. If I say there’s hope, there’s hope.”
“This isn’t about hope, it’s about guts. You don’t have the guts to make the hard choices. I do. He's been like this for three days. If he’s not better by tomorrow, I'll kill him myself.”
I'm on my feet even before he could finish the phrase “You’ll have to walk over my dead body.”
He looks at me but doesn't say anything, he just studies my face for a mere second. Then, he’s out of the ship.
“Power-hungry, self-serving jackass” I hear Monty “Doesn’t care about anyone but himself” he looks at Octavia “No offense”.
She shrugs and I add “I also apologize... for earlier, for insulting him.”
“Don’t worry guys... I know how he can be.”
“Yeah, Bellamy is all that” Finn continues “But he also happens to be right.”
I turn to face him “Excuse me?”
“Bellamy knows it, I know it and you know it too. I can see it in your eyes: you’re starting to doubt.”
“You should really sleep.” Monty’s voice makes me open my eyes and lift my head up and I realize I've been dozing off again.
“I’m fine…” I take a deep breath “I'm fine.”
“You haven’t left this tent in three days. You need to rest.”
“Well, neither did you.”
“I need to fix communications.”
“And I need to stay by Jasper’s side.”
“Jasper wouldn’t want this.” he gestures towards me “He wouldn’t want you to neglect yourself for him.”
I sigh and look down at my friend. Finally he managed to calm down and sleep a bit.
Monty puts a comforting hand on my shoulder, gently rubbing it “He’s going to be fine, I'll be with him all the time.”
“You promise no one is going to get near him, except for us?”
“I swear. Just the time for a little nap. And, maybe, for a chat with someone, I noticed you made some friends, you should spend time with them.”
“Thanks Monty” I smile at him and quickly squeeze his hand, before exiting the ship.
The air is fresh and the sun warms me like a big blanket, people are walking around doing some small works. I start looking for a quiet place to take a nap, maybe laying over soft grass, kissed by the sunlight. Some movement in the forest catches my attention. I run my eyes over the deep green and take a few steps in that direction. Blond air appears behind a tree, only to disappear behind another. A small girl walks away from the camp.
“Hey! Kid!” I yell, starting to walk towards her “Hey, you! Wait! You can’t go there! It’s dangerous!” but I can’t see her anymore.
I sigh and look back, camp is already a bit far. I turn my head, weighting my choices. She's not my problem and if she’s going in the forest, she probably knows what she’s doing. But she didn’t look older than, like, twelve. And I'm probably the only one who saw her. And in the forest there are Grounders. Well, goodbye to my well-deserved nap.
I shake my head and continue walking towards the girl.
After a while I hear some movements and some voices, I pick up my pace, walking towards them. When I'm close enough I realize it’s the hunting kids, among them there’s Bellamy. Thinking that it’s not the best choice ask for directions to the guy I told to fuck off just a few hours ago, I turn around and start to walk away. But I step on a branch. The air whistle and a dry thud makes me gasp. A sharp axe shines in the corner of my vision, stuck in a tree.
“What the hell?” I yell turning around.
Bellamy takes a few steps towards me “What the hell to you! What are you doing here?” he definitely looks pissed. Can't blame him.
“You almost killed me!” I gesture towards the weapon.
“You approached us from behind!”
“I was going away from you, if you didn’t notice. I had all the intention of not disturbing you.”
“Will you tell me what are you doing this deep in the forest?”
“Why do you care?” I challenge him.
“Why won’t you tell me?” he takes a step forward “Do you have something to hide?” another step and every fiber of my body tells me to step back. But I don’t, I let him get close to me.
“I don’t have anything to hide. Do you? Why aren’t you telling me why the reason I'm outside camp is so important?”
“You want to know why?” he asks, looking down at me, and I nod. He bends over, bringing his mouth so close to my ear I can feel his warm breath over my neck “Because the last two kids who ventured outside camp disappeared. No one knows what happened to them... puff” the last sound makes a strand of hair move “And I wouldn't want anything to happen to our little Ray of Sunshine here” he mocks me “Will you tell me what are you doing here, now?”
“I’m-” I clear my voice “I’m looking for a little girl... I saw her leaving camp and I was worried for her.”
“What?” he straightens his back and starts looking around “Are you sure?”
“Yes. I'm sure” I snap, annoyed by him doubting me.
“Bellamy!” a boy’s voice makes us both turn “Look what I caught” he pulls his arm from behind his back and the little girl stumbles forward.
“What are you doing?” I quickly walk towards them “Let her go! You're hurting her!”
I kneel in front of them and grab his harm, but he doesn’t let her go. I look up and he’s looking behind me, at Bellamy. Only when he gives a quick nod, he opens his hand. I scoff and grab the girl, putting a little distance between us and the boy.
“Hey, are you okay? Who are you?” I gently ask.
“Charlotte.” She simply says.
“Why aren’t you back at camp?” Bellamy asks from behind me.
“Well, with that guy who is dying, I just- I couldn’t listen anymore.”
I cringe on the inside and get up, taking a step back. I'm not going to lecture a child over the fact that my friend is fighting for his life, but I'm not going to console her either.
“There’s Grounders out here. It's dangerous for a little girl.”
“I’m not little” she says, full of confidence, and I have to hold back a laugh.
“Okay then” Bellamy puts his hand in his pocket “But you can’t hunt without a weapon.” He hands her a knife.
“What are you doing?” I whisper, turning to face him “She’s a child! You can’t just give her a knife!”
“She came out here on her own. The girl’s got balls. And I trust her. If you have something against it, you should go back” that damn smirk on his face again.
“I’m not leaving her alone with you.” I turn around and introduce myself with a smile.
She lightly smiles back, but her face darkens when she hears Bellamy “Have you ever killed something before?” she shakes her head and I look at the boy in shock “Who knows, maybe you’re good at it.”
I sigh and hold my hand out for the girl. She hesitates, but in the end, she takes it.
Not even an hour later a loud horn makes us look at the sky.
“What the hell was that?” I ask myself.
A hard wind suddenly hits us and everything goes yellow.
“Run!” someone yells.
I squeeze Charlotte’s hand tighter and take off. My legs move so fast I might even be flying.
“Come on! There are caves this way!” Bellamy yells.
He looks back and our eyes lock for a moment, then he shifts his gaze to Charlotte. I see him slow down and come behind us. He grabs the girl’s other hand and starts to run again.
“It’s here!” he pulls us behind a tall rock wall and into a dark cave.
Someone yells and then we hear Bellamy’s name. He walks to the edge of the cave, covering his nose with a hand. I grab his arm and pull him back.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Atom’s out there!”
“You can’t go outside! You’ll die!”
“Like you’d care.” He snatches his arm out of my grip.
I take his arm again, this time with both hands “You can’t go there!”
“Let me go!”
I stumble onto my feet and lose my grip. He manages to take a few steps outside, but then I hear him scream in pain. I get near the edge and stretch my arm out, grabbing his shirt and pulling him back.
“Are you fucking dumb?” but I don’t even finish the phrase when I see him falling to the ground, looking at his red arms.
I fall to my knees. I want to take his arm and analyze the wound, but what would I understand anyway? I’d probably only make things worse. I look around and see his water bottle. I open the lid and slowly pour it over his arms. Only when his breathing calms and his arms start to lose the redness, I let my eyes close. I take a few deep breaths and grab my hands, trying to make them stop shaking. I slowly open my eyes, he’s leaning his back against the rock wall, eyelids down and his brows are furrowed. Charlotte is in a corner and quietly observes the scene.
I sigh and get up, walking to the other end of the cave and sitting down. Fucking idiot. But I’m not sure if I'm talking about him or about me.
I open my eyes again. He’s still there, head bent back against the rock. I take a moment to study him: one leg is to his chest, while the other lies on the ground, his pants are a little dirty, just like his shirt, his broad shoulders are visibly tense and his arms are stretched out, I wonder if they still hurt. He didn’t hesitate to go outside when he heard his friend’s voice, I had to literally pull him away from the fog. He didn’t think twice.
I’m still observing him when he opens his eyes and I’m quick to look away. I look at the ground, at the ceiling, at the empty water bottle on the floor, at Charlotte, at the entryway. I look everywhere. Everywhere but him. He didn’t hesitate a bit. That thought echoes in my head as I close my eyes. I hold my breath for a moment, listening. On my right, Charlotte moves a little but, apart from that, nothing. And silence is even more spooky than sounds.
A shiver makes me open my eyes, but I find my surroundings darker than a second ago. Have I fallen asleep? I look around, the girl is lying on the ground, head resting on her arm, Bellamy is not where he was before. Did he go out? Fear sets inside me and I stumble to my feet, just to notice him sitting a little further. He looks up and I’m suddenly embarrassed. Now I look crazy, how can I not look crazy? I turn towards Charlotte and walk towards her, to make it seem like that was my intention all along. Did I really fall asleep? Just like that? I get that I was tired, but I don’t think that was the best time to not be awake. I was, am, in a cave, trapped by some toxic deadly fog, with a child and Bellamy Blake. Definitely not the safest of the environment.
“She fell asleep shortly after you did” his voice makes me jump.
“I’m sorry” I don’t know why I’m apologizing “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
He doesn’t say anything for a moment “You talk in your sleep, did you know that?”
“What? Really?”
“Yeah. And you move, like, a lot” I can see him smirk.
I did not know those things. But, after all, I hadn’t really slept in the same room with anyone in a very long time.
I’m left speechless. I do not know how to address this information. Should I be ashamed? I am, a little bit. But, mostly, I don’t know how to feel regarding the fact that he was observing me in my sleep. But maybe he wasn’t. He could have just heard me talk and was curious. Yeah, it’s definitely like that. It hits me suddenly that I was talking in my sleep. And that he heard me.
“So, uhm… What was I saying? Like, in my sleep” and I immediately regret asking.
A grin appears on his face “You would like to know, uh?”
Now I’m irritated. “Yeah, you know, I’d really much like to know what I was saying.”
“And what if I don’t?” he’s teasing me “What if I keep it all to myself? Is it going to eat you alive?” he’s having so much fun and I’m getting so frustrated “Is it going to stay deep into your mind, without an answer? Is it going to haunt you?”
Yes. “No.” I will obsessively think about it for a very long time “Frankly, I don’t really care. In the end it’s you that have to deal with it. I’m asleep.” I definitely need to know it “Do as you wish.” And I end my lie with a shrug.
“Oh, well, then I don’t really need to tell you.”
“You really do not.”
I’m looking at him and he’s looking at me. And we stay like that. Me trying to hide my annoyance, him holding his mocking smirk. And I observe his eyes, dark, deep brown. I feel them deep inside me, searching my soul, looking for my deepest secrets. I shift my gaze to his cheeks, to his nose, to his lips. My body is suddenly too tight for me. I shift my weight from one foot to the other. Slowly I find the courage to meet his eyes again. He has not moved one centimeter.
“Liar, liar, pants on fire.”
I’m dumbfounded. “What?”
“You’re a liar, a really bad one nonetheless.”
“I am not a liar.”
“I can read you like an open book, Sunshine.”
“And I could punch you like a bag, Captain.”
He scoffs. “Sure, sure. You wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
“You don’t know me.” I whisper.
“And you don’t know me.”
All I want to do is punch him in the face. Make that stupid smirk disappear. But I sit down. Because there’s no point in continuing the conversation. Or hurt him.
“Nice way to thank me for saving your life.” I whisper to myself, but loud enough for him to hear.
And that seems to turn a switch inside him. “You weren’t really saying anything. You were just mumbling something.”
“If you want you can sleep. I’ll stay awake.” Is the only response I give him.
I don’t know how long I’ve been staring at the same rock, my mind flooded by too many thoughts. Darkness has filled the cave, but my eyes adapted well so I’m still able to make out shapes. I shift position, a shiver makes its way under my jacket and I grab the edges, pulling them closer. I don’t like this situation. And it’s entirely my fault, I should have minded my own damn business. Bellamy’s friend would have still found the girl, I would have had my break and, most of all, I wouldn’t be stuck in a cave with that douchebag.
A sound makes my head turn right. Charlotte is squirming in her sleep. I crawl towards her and put my hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her.
“Charlotte, honey, wake up.” I quietly call for her.
She screams as her eyes open “No!”
“Hey, are you okay?”
She looks around, taking in her surroundings. “I’m sorry…”
“Does it happen often?” Bellamy’s voice makes me jump, he probably woke up when she screamed. She’s still shaken and I put a hand on her back, gently rubbing it. “What are you scared of?” But she doesn’t answer “You know what? It doesn’t matter.” I’m kind of grateful that he’s doing all the talking, I’ve never been good at the comforting stuff. “The only thing that matters is what you do about it.”
“But I’m asleep.”
“Fears are fears. Slay your demons when you’re awake, they won’t be there when you sleep.” The way he talks, so gentle and kind, takes me by surprise. His voice is like a hug, big and warm.
My eyes shift from the girl to his face. In the dim light it looks softer. He doesn’t have his usual mocking expression. His eyes are kind and a small smile lightly curves his lips.
“Yeah, but how?”
“You can’t afford to be weak.” And there it is. I take everything back. Goddamnit she’s a kid. “Down here, weakness is death. Fear is death.” Comforting, very comforting. Maybe I should have done the talking. “Let me see that knife I gave you.” I take a step back, to leave her room to grab it. “Now, when you feel afraid, you hold tight to that knife and you say: screw you, I am not afraid.” Oh she’s going to kill someone with that.
She looks at the blade “Screw you.” She quietly says “I’m not afraid.”
“Come on” I smile at her, trying to lighten the mood “I know you can do better than that.”
She doesn’t seem convinced, but she tries again “Screw you! I’m not afraid.”
Bellamy laughs lightly “Slay your demons, kid. Then you’ll be able to sleep.” He gets up and goes back to his spot. I notice at that moment that he doesn’t have his jacket anymore and that Charlotte’s wearing it. And I suddenly feel like I judged him too quickly.
“Do you want me to sleep next to you?” I offer.
She hesitates for a second, but eventually nods. I lay down and let her rest her head on my arm. And, for the first time in four days, I sleep well.
Light filters through my eyelids. I bring a hand over my eyes as I open them. Morning has come and I find Bellamy already awake.
“How long have you been up?” I ask, gently shaking Charlotte.
“A bit.”
“Why didn’t you wake me?” I’m on my feet, walking towards the entrance.
He isn’t answering me, so I turn to face him.
“Why? You got somewhere to be?”
“Uhm, let me think.” I bring my index over my chin “Oh, yes! Maybe my dying friend.”
“If he’s still alive.”
I’m stunned. Not even offended, just shocked someone could really say something so cruel and insensitive.
My brain shows me an image of Jasper’s body, lying lifeless in the spaceship. A blanket of needles covers every centimeter of my body.
“Why.” I take a moment “Why would you say that?” I don’t even want to try to get back at him. That wasn’t petty, that was just mean.
“Calm down, Sunshine, I was joking.” he shrugs “I’m sure he’s fine.”
I just stare at him. I can’t believe last night I really thought that he was a kind person. He just cares about himself.
I take a deep breath and exit the cave. I want to go back to the camp, but I can’t remember the way. I look around, the fog came from the right, but before that we changed direction a couple of times so it would be impossible for me to go back alone.
Someone stops beside me and I don’t need to turn to know it’s Bellamy. The mere thought of looking at him makes me nauseous.
“Anybody out here? Jones!” he yells.
A couple seconds pass “We’re here!” a boy’s voice comes from the right.
We start walking and we meet with a group of two guys and a girl.
“Lost you in the stew. Where did you go?” Bellamy asks.
“Made it to a cave down there. What the hell was that?”
“I don’t know. Where’s Atom?”
But we get no answer.
Bellamy’s face drops. “Let’s split up! We need to find him!”
He takes off with the other guy who was talking and the others leave as well. I’m left with Charlotte.
“Let’s, uhm, walk around. We need to find Bellamy’s friend.”
She just nods and start to walk in the direction Bellamy went. Does this girl ever smile? I’m a few steps behind her, looking around in the trees. She screams. I run to her and my eyes widen when I see the source of her fear. Atom’s laying on the ground, the exposed skin of his arms and face is covered in red blisters, some bloody, some covered in a white dense liquid. I stand there, staring at his body. It is only when he starts convulsing that I realize he’s still alive. My hand covers Charlotte’s eyes and I pull her back.
“What’s happening? Are you okay?” Bellamy appears next to us.
I shift my attention to him. That guy was, is, his friend. I am disgusted by myself when a part of me is glad he’s going to finally realize how it feels to see your friend one step away from death. Atom’s a person and I am better than Bellamy.
“It’s Atom… He-” I’m not even able to finish my phrase. I squeeze my eyes and tilt my head down.
As he walks past me I turn and grab his arm. He looks at me, but I don’t have anything to say.
“It’s… not pretty.” I manage to whisper, still looking at the ground.
I can hear him step away, then stop for a couple of seconds, then start again.
“Stay-“ I clear my voice “Stay here, okay?”
I force my feet to move. I need to go to Bellamy. I know how it feels. And I am better than him.
He’s on his knees next to him. As I get closer the smell of burned and rotting flesh hits me. I want to puke. I crouch next to him. I want to help him, but I don’t know if he would like me to be the one to do so.
I can hear Atom struggling to breathe. I can’t bring myself to look at him. But when he starts to mumble something my eyes shift to his face. His eyes are cloudy and dull, they seem as if they had dried up. Gruggly sounds come out of his throat.
“K- ki- ill… me…”
My blood freezes in my veins. I straighten my back, trying to get fresh air inside my lungs. Bellamy looks like he’s not breathing. I reach out my hand towards his back, but I hesitate. He gets up and I pull my hand back. I didn’t notice Charlotte until she holds out her harm, handing Bellamy the knife he gave her.
“Don’t be afraid.” She whispers.
She looks like a statue, her face is blank. A boy is dying in front of her and she doesn’t even seem bothered by it. She’s handing him the knife to kill his friend like you would hand a pen to someone who needed it. And maybe that’s why he takes it.
“Go back to camp.” He looks at some kids I didn’t even notice. They don’t hesitate one second.
He looks at me and opens his mouth, but I’m faster. “Charlotte, you too.”
After she disappeared from view he looks back at me. “You should go too. You need to get to your friend.”
I want to slap him. What a hypocrite. Instead I just say “You shouldn’t be alone right now.” And he looks grateful.
He kneels next to Atom “Kill me… pl- please, B- Bellamy.”
I lift my head and, between the trees, Clarke’s watching us. She moves quickly and in a second he’s next to us, checking the boy.
“I heard screams.”
“Charlotte found him.” I wasn’t ready to hear Bellamy’s voice crack. “I sent her back to camp.”
As he watches Clarke look over Atom’s wounds I can see hope appear in his eyes. But when she looks at him, shaking her head, I can sense his pain. He clenches his jaw and looks away, taking a long, shaky breath.
“Okay” she whispers to Atom “I’m going to help you, all right?”
She reaches for his hair, gently brushing it. When she starts humming a soft song I can feel my throat closing. Even though I try to prevent it, my vision gets blurry and I realize I cannot look anymore. I am not as strong as I thought. I get up and take a few steps away. I cover my mouth with my hand to muffle my sobs. I clench my eyes and feel fat, warm tears fall on my cheeks. I let myself fall into Clarke’s voice. When I couldn’t hear Atom’s whimpers anymore I knew what happened. I quickly dry my face and take a few deep breaths to calm myself down.
The sun had long set when we stepped back to camp. Eventually, Finn and Wells showed up and helped Bellamy build something to carry Atom with.
Kids gathered around us but I can’t hear what they say, my mind is only to Jasper. Only when I see Octavia do I recall seeing her and Atom together. She quickly walks toward us, but is stopped by her brother.
“Octavia, just stay there please.”
“What? Why”
“Stay back.”
She looks at me. And I look away.
She manages to get past her brother and kneels next to Atom’s body. I can see her hand shake as she reaches for the jacket covering his face.
“There was nothing I could do-” Bellamy tries to talk.
“Don’t.” Her voice is high pitched.
She gets up and quickly walks away, I follow her.
“O…” I hesitantly say “Octavia?”
“I don’t wanna talk.”
We reached the edge of the camp, a dark corner behind the ship.
“Then let’s not talk.” My voice is wary and cautious.
“You don’t need to stay here, you should go see Jasper.”
“Why? Is he okay?”
She turns, confused. “He’s not well. He’s like when you left. Didn’t you go check on him?”
“I wanted to, but I thought you needed my company more right now.” I don’t know if I’m a bad friend or a good one.
“You decided to follow me instead of checking on your friend?”
“You're my friend too. And I’m sorry if I didn’t really spend time with y-“
“Don’t you even try to apologize.”
I smile and she comes to me. When I open my arms I can see her break. Her head sweeps in the crook of my neck and I can feel her chest rising and fall as she sobs in my arms. At that moment I felt like I had a purpose in life. I felt like I wasn’t useless.
I don’t know how much we stayed like that. I kept brushing her hair and whispering kind words in her ear. Even when she stopped crying and her breathing calmed down, we didn’t separate. And it didn’t bother me. I needed that as much as her.
I hear her yawn and a light laugh escapes my lips.
“Maybe it’s better if we go to sleep.”
“They finished building some tents, one of them is ours.”
“Maybe tomorrow, O. I’d like to go to Jasper if you don’t mind.”
A sad smile appears on her lips. “Of course. See you in the morning, I love you.”
I’m shocked for a moment. It had been a very long time since I last heard those words. “I love you too.” And even a longer one since I last pronounced them.
I’m walking towards the ship. Fear rings in my ears and I don’t know what to expect from Jasper. Octavia said that he was fine, well, that he wasn’t worse, but after seeing Bellamy’s friend die in front of him, I remembered that the people we love can actually die.
A hand stops me from getting inside and I turn to see Bellamy.
“Hey, I tried calling you, but you probably didn’t hear me.”
Yeah, I didn’t hear him, but even if I did I would have not stopped. “Or maybe I was just ignoring you.”
He takes a step back “Yeah and- and I don’t blame you. Listen, what I want to say is that I’ve been a real asshole about the Jasper thing, especially this morning. I… I’m sorry.”
“Yes, you were.” I start walking away, but I’m stopped for a second time.
“That’s it? Didn’t you hear the last part?”
“No, I did hear you. But it doesn’t change anything. We’re not friends. Don’t let today make you think otherwise. I stayed by your side because I know what it feels to have a dying friend and I didn’t want you to face that situation alone. If I knew Clarke would have arrived I wouldn’t have stayed. I’m glad that you can finally see my point of view, but we are not friends.” This time he lets me walk away.
When I get to the upper end of the ladder I see my friend’s body lay in the exact same position I left him. Next to him, Monty and Finn.
“Why did it take you so long to get here? I was worried sick!”
“I’m sorry Monty, I was… something came up. But I’m here now, how is he?”
“Clarke gave him some medicine and his temperature has calmed down since then, it also looks like he’s not having any more trouble breathing.”
“Thank God.” I whisper, gently brushing his hair.
We’re sitting in a corner, drinking some sort of terrible beverage Finn found during the mission.
“You sure it’s drinkable?” I ask “Every time I take a sip is like fire is coming down my throat.”
“That’s the fun part.”
“Can I… get a hit of that?”
I’m running to Jasper. “Oh my God.”
“Let’s start with the soft stuff.” Finn helps him drink some water.
“Oh my God, you’re awake” I’m about to cry. I grab his hand, squeezing it hard.
“Was that a dream or did I get speared?”
“You’ll have a very impressive scar to prove it.” Clarke appears behind us.
“My savior.”
“Thank you for not dying. I don’t think I could have taken that today.”
“I’ll try not to die tomorrow too, if that’s cool.”
We all laugh “Tomorrow,” I say “and the day after that, and the day after, and after, and after. Until I say it’s okay, all right?”
“Promised.”