Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When the job was offered to him, Tommy didn't think twice; he said yes, and only once he hung up, he sat down and thought about what he'd done. It was an impulsive decision, and Tommy ususlly did not act like that. He thought things through, to the point of overthinking at times, carefully weighing pros and contras against each other until he was sure he wouldn't regret his choice. It's what he did before he transferred to Harbor. It's probably what he should've done during his last relationship, too.

Or maybe not. Tommy loved Evan. For a long time, he wondered if his decision to run and leave had been a mistake. By now, he believes they weren't ready back then, and weren't on the same page. Who's to blame? Maybe him. Maybe both of them. In the end, it doesn’t matter.

It's over, it's the past, and so is everything else he left behind in Los Angeles. Initially scared because of how fast he'd made his decision, Tommy had to admit moving to Nevada turned out to be easier than expected. He needed this fresh start and a clean cut more than he thought. 

He'd been to Las Vegas often enough to know he'd easily blend in here, without drawing much attention to himself. He could still fly, and who knew what the colorful, buzzing nights would hold for him?

To date again…that was nothing he wanted to think about at first. Half a year had passed since he'd decided to move on from his ex for good, but he still didn't feel ready for another man in his life. At least so he thought

But then came James, and to say he swept Tommy off his feet would be an understatement.

Turns out James is what Tommy appears to be but isn't; confident and comfortable with who he is, unaffected by others’ opinions, and so straightforward that Tommy, for once, doesn't feel like he has to take the lead.

“I can hear you thinking all the way up here,” James’ deep voice rumbles, and when Tommy lifts his head from his boyfriend's chest, he's met by those piercing blue eyes that look right into his soul, and a crooked smile that widens when he shudders involuntarily. “What's going on in that pretty head of yours?”

He doesn't know what it is about him that has Tommy blush and lower his gaze, that makes him feel like he's with his first-ever crush. There's a dominance radiating off James which he didn't know he was craving until they found each other. That there's something soothing about feeling small with another man, kinda protected in a way.

They made things official a month ago, were seeing each other for two more, and still it feels like yesterday when James, a social worker, walzed into the hangar with a bunch of teenagers to show them how cool the city's fire department really was. Despite himself, Tommy was smitten right from the start, and of course not only tried to ignore those feelings but also tried to hide his attraction.

He failed royally, and by the end of the day, he'd agreed to go on a date with the handsome stranger.

The rest is history, and while part of Tommy is still scared shitless, he doesn't regret getting involved with this man, and opening his heart again. Not that he'd had a chance to run and hide this time. Because James simply wouldn't let him. Not without sitting him down first, and cracking him open like a coconut. Tommy doesn't think he ever cried in front of a lover before, but did so many times with James. It's getting easier, he realises, and now he understands why people say tears are healing for the soul.

“Babe?” James lifts an eyebrow in that knowing way and Tommy can't help but chuckle.

“I've been thinking about us,” he admits. “In a good way, don't worry.” He places a lingering kiss below his boyfriend's collarbone and, with a little smile, adds, “I like this. Us. I like us.”

James’ expression softens. “I like us, too. A lot.” Tightening his arms around Tommy's frame, he drags him upwards and closer until he can brush a kiss against his lips. It's sweet and tender, and Tommy melts into it like ice on a hot summer day.

They haven't said the three magical words yet, and Tommy doesn't think he'll be ready for a while. But he knows James doesn't mind. Their tearful confrontations have brought out a lot of stuff Tommy so desperately tried to hide. Stuff he never really dealt with, experiences that left marks on his soul and heart. And that's okay. Because James listens, takes him seriously, and understands. 

It's painful, and the fear he might scare his partner away brutally held onto Tommy's heart for a while. But James stayed, and they fought and made up, and somewhere along the line, Tommy started to heal. It's not just him, though. James has his own demons, sharing Tommy's military background, and a deeply rooted trauma that decides to rear its ugly head when they least expect it. Then it's Tommy's turn to offer a shoulder to cry on, a tight hug and soothing words to chase the shadows away.

Tommy knows he'll say them eventually, those three big words, when he's ready. He knows he'll mean them. And he knows he'll hear them back. It's a certainty that's still new to him, and he can't always ignore the poisonous voice in the back of his mind, but he's learning. 

Moving to Las Vegas was a fresh start, in more than one way. He doesn't think he ever made a better decision.

Chapter Text

For as long as he could remember, Tommy felt like he had to prove himself; his usefulness, his strength, his worth. He quickly learnt that what he was and what he was supposed to be were two different things. His father made sure he never forgot, and so did everyone else.

Tommy didn't want to be weak; his father hated weakness, and punished any sign of it. So Tommy became strong, locking his emotions away where they would wither and die, shaping his body until he was the kind of big, tough guy no one dared to mess with.

Tommy wanted to be loved, and so he became useful, putting people's needs above his own, risking his career, his life, his everything, so people would remember him as the guy they could always count on.

Tommy wanted to be admired, and so he put on a mask that hid his fragile self behind the illusion of a confident, entertaining, cool man everyone wanted to have around. Maintaining contacts was easy. True friendships not so much.

Tommy wanted to blend in, and so he tried to be straight, find a wife, have kids, build a house, do whatever it took to meet the expectations people had of a guy like him.

Until he found himself confronted with a choice, simple but fundamental: keep living a lie or die.

When the dark thoughts became too detailed, when he stood at the edge, one step away from jumping, something inside him finally rebelled.

He wasn't ready to give up yet. Something had to change, and so, Tommy turned his life upside down. Yet he couldn't let go of some habits, too deeply carved into his soul. The mask still hid his vulnerability. He was desperate to prove his usefulness. And it was much easier to do what was expected from him than dig deeper into what he wanted for himself.

To say his move to Las Vegas was transformative would be an understatement. It took some courage, but along with leaving his old life behind, he decided to cut strings with some people as well. His hands were shaking as he scrolled through his contact list and deleted numbers. He didn't expect how free he'd feel afterwards; sad, but like a strange kind of weight had been lifted off his heart.

There are new numbers in his contact list now. The captain for example, who told him he had specifically requested Tommy because he wanted a man with his reputation in his team. The coworkers who invited him to a bar on his fourth day without him having to offer anything useful in return. And a certain social worker, of course, who'd flirted his way into Tommy's life, and his heart.

He's feeling more like himself than he ever did before in his life, but he still has a long way to go. He has good days, but also bad ones; days when he pulls up his shields and backs off, when it takes all his energy to keep his mask up, pretending he's fine and communicative when all he wants to do is hide.

He knows it's one of those dreadful days when he decides to spend his lunch break in the locker room because keeping up the facade of the easy-going, charming guy will run him out of energy before the end of his shift if he doesn't get some quiet.

He barely sits down when his phone lights up and he's about to ignore it until he sees the caller ID.

“James?” he asks without a greeting, his heart skipping a beat. “Are you alright?”

“Of course,” the familiar voice of his boyfriend answers, a tad surprised at first, but then he adds, “Sorry, I know I usually don't call you at work. Didn't mean to worry you.” James pauses and he hears something that sounds like a door falling shut. “You got a minute for me?”

“Always.” He tries to keep his voice light, but Tommy feels it again; the rush of adrenaline as nervousness grasps for his heart. James wants to talk. Which could mean nothing. Or everything. There's another pause, and Tommy doesn't register he’s holding his breath until his boyfriend speaks again.

“Sweetheart, are you okay?” James wants to know, asking the only question Tommy was not prepared for. Before he gets the chance to ask why and reassure him that yes, of course he’s fine, his partner continues, “You were a bit off this morning. I wanted to give you some space, so I didn't say anything, but…see, I gotta admit I’m a bit worried.”

Tommy can't help himself; he's stunned into silence for a moment. He doesn't think people usually pick up on his moods. Even his last boyfriend didn't. Then again, his new team has been treating him a bit differently today as well. Is he losing his ability to control his emotions?

“Did I say anything?” he asks, cursing himself for how insecure he sounds. The facade is cracking. He doesn't think he likes that.

“It's nothing you said. It's more like…you were quieter. Felt like you were trying to avoid me a bit, too. Which is okay, don't worry. I don't wanna be overbearing, but…babe, I care about you, and if there's anything you wanna talk about, anything I can do…”

Tommy’s first instinct tells him to back off, convince his partner that he misunderstood the vibes he picked up on, maybe lie that work was too stressful or last night’s sleep too restless.

But then he hesitates. He doesn't know if it's something in James’ voice, or that he chose to call him at work and offer to help with whatever he believed might be wrong in the first place, but he can't bring himself to lie.

His heart is beating harder than it probably should, and he needs a long minute until he manages to say, “I don't know…I think it's just one of these days…”

“Yeah, I know those,” James says softly, and he certainly does. He brought his past up shortly after they started seeing each other, feeling the need to inform his date that being with him wouldn't always be easy.

Deeply traumatised by the time he spent abroad in warzones, James had tried to drown himself in alcohol for years until his family finally got through to him after a breakdown that almost cost his life.

To this day, he struggles with trauma and addiction alike. There are good days, and bad ones, and Tommy has witnessed both. If James can show himself so very vulnerable in front of him, Tommy might consider letting his guard down a little, too.

“After my shift,” he starts, “when you come over…I want your company, but I think I don't really wanna talk. Just be with you, be quiet…”

“Eat something, maybe watch a game,” James continues for him, and there's something akin to pride in his voice that warms Tommy's heart. “Sounds perfect to me. I can make that pasta you like. Should be ready when you get home.” He pauses, and sounds like he's smiling when he gently adds, “Thanks for telling me.”

“Thanks for asking,” Tommy says without thinking, but then realises he means it. To drop the mask, bare himself and show what's really hidden underneath his hard shell is still new, but when he ends the call, he can't deny he feels better. It's a small step into the right direction, but he's moving forward nonetheless.

Chapter Text

He’s marked what they call James’ second birthday down in his calendar; the day he drank alcohol for the last time. It’s his sixth anniversary, and Tommy wants to make sure his boyfriend knows how proud he is, that his success is important and seen. He plans to be careful, though, because even if James talks openly about his addiction, he still doesn’t want to do anything that might be considered insensitive.

So, he decides to watch his partner for signs that tell him what to do and what to say to show his appreciation. That James would be uncharacteristically distant, though, comes as a surprise. Tommy gives him space at first, wonders if he should call his boyfriend’s family and ask for advice, but eventually decides to follow his instincts and confront the situation head-on.

“You gonna tell me what’s wrong any time soon?” he asks as he joins him on the couch, and part of him wants to back off when he sees how James grows tense immediately. Tommy doesn’t want to provoke a fight, and a couple of months ago, his fear of ruining the best relationship he ever had would’ve scared him away. But James has fought so hard for him in the past; something no former partner ever did. He wants to show that he’s equally as dedicated.

“I’m fine,” James says, and Tommy resists the urge to sigh.

“Yeah, of course you are.” He shakes his head. “We both know what you’d say now if it were me. Can we skip that, please? What’s bothering you? I thought today would be a good one. Is it…memories maybe? How it used to be?”

He doesn’t want to be pushy, doesn’t want to be overbearing. But Tommy also knows honesty is important to his boyfriend. Dancing around the elephant in the room won’t do either of them good. James is still tense, but he doesn’t look like he’s ready to fight. Tommy decides to wait. He doesn’t have to for long.

“I don’t want you to walk on eggshells around me just because I fucked up shit in the past,” James says finally, still refusing to look up from where his eyes are drilling holes into the coffee table.

Tommy frowns in confusion. “Who says I do?”

He receives a sigh in response. “Tommy, come on. You wanna tell me you wouldn’t like to have a beer when we watch a game? Or a glass of wine when we have dinner? There’s not a drop of alcohol in your apartment. You don’t even order any when we go out. You wanna tell me you’re satisfied with your trademark water? You’re doing this because of me, and I hate it. I hate it because you bend over backward for me, and that sucks.”

Tommy can’t deny he’s taken aback by James’ answer, and needs a moment to collect his thoughts. Maybe he should’ve seen it coming. It’s a statement he understands to his core; if he were in his partner’s shoes, the knowledge that his problem is affecting those around him would haunt him as well. Still, to see it’s what bothers James so much hurts, especially because it’s nothing he himself even wasted a thought on.

“Do you really think the occasional beer or glass of wine is more important to me than what it’d do to you?” he asks eventually.

James snorts, shaking his head. “That’s not the problem. It’s the fact that you have to change your habits for me in the first place.”

“I get that,” Tommy says. “But isn’t that what being with someone is about? It’s not always sunshine and rainbows.”

He can’t help but reach for him, rest a hand on James’s arm. He gives it a gentle squeeze when his boyfriend doesn’t pull back.

“You’ve done so much for me already. No one ever tried to see the real me. You ripped down that mask I wore for all my life. You cracked me open and still didn’t leave when you saw the mess that’s inside. You’re the rock I never knew I needed. But you’re not invincible, babe, and that doesn’t just mean I’m here to hold you when you have nightmares or flashbacks. Addiction is a bitch, and everyone knows how tempting a beer in the fridge or a glass of wine on the table can be for you. Why would I risk your fight against that monster of an illness when drinking alcohol is so totally unimportant compared to making things a bit easier for you? Beer, wine, all that stuff, it’s nice, but…come on, it’s not like I change something fundamental about my life when I don’t drink. Water’s healthier anyway.” He gives the arm another squeeze. “Besides, adjusting to your partner’s needs is what you do when you love each other. You do it for me. I wanna do it for you. It’s nothing bad.”

Tommy can see how his words aim and hit, how James lets them sink in. He’s letting go of the tension, but tears are forming in his eyes now. He decides to wait again, give the time and space he needs as well in those moments. When James finally meets his eyes, some of the tears are rolling down his cheeks, but he shows the tiniest hint of a smile as well.

“I like when you say we love each other,” he states.

Tommy chuckles, enjoying the rush of relief that fills his heart. “Took me long enough to say it, right? And I mean it.” He leans in, places a gentle kiss on James’ lips. “I love you. And I’m so proud of you. Look at what you’ve done. Six years.”

“Not that much.” He gives a crooked grin when Tommy playfully punches his shoulder. Then, more seriously, he adds, “What if…there’s always the risk of relapsing. What if that happens? Everyone’s so proud of me. You, my family…won’t you be disappointed?”

“Of course not.” Tommy firmly shakes his head. “Not at all. See…no matter how many years you stayed sober, even if it’s twenty, thirty years, whatever, when it happens, that’s not failure. It’s an illness, and you battle it every single day. We were soldiers, you and I. We know you can’t always win. Doesn’t mean you fail. If you ever relapse, you won’t be alone. You got me and your family. We won’t be disappointed. We’ll be right here, help you pick up the pieces and start again.”

“It’s what you do when you love someone, eh?” James asks back, and when Tommy nods, he says, “I love you, too. I wish I could show you how much.”

“You show me every day.” Tommy kisses him again, feels the wetness of James’ tears on his skin, and pulls him into a tight embrace to bring the message across. They’re in this together. For the long run, he knows. And he doesn’t think he’s ever been this sure about anything in his life before.

Chapter Text

Once Tommy was sure that his quick decision to take the job offer wasn’t another attempt to run from his life, that this was what he wanted, what he truly needed, he knew that there was no turning back. He wouldn’t return to Los Angeles. This part of his life, and everything linked to it, lay in the past. He might not forget, never wanted to forget, because what he went through turned him into the man he is today.

But Las Vegas is his present, and it would be his future, and so, when he started looking for a new house, he was determined not to settle for any compromises. He knew he could trust his instincts here, and one hot afternoon, when the sun burnt down on the city with malice like it was on a personal vendetta, he finally felt it. This was it, he knew, his future home, his safe haven, a sanctuary he could flee to when the world became too much.

He worked a lot on the place ever since, investing every free hour into shaping his new home to his will until, one morning, he woke up, wandered through the rooms, and knew he was done. A strong sense of contentment settled in the depths of his heart, filling every inch of his body like liquid sunshine, and for the first time in a long while, he was truly happy.

A fresh start and a clean cut weren’t nearly as scary as he thought, and it wasn’t the first time Tommy made a life-changing decision either. He remembered how nervous he was when he joined the Army and was sent to war for the first time, unsure if he would return in person or in a casket. He survived, but came back with trauma that’d haunt him for the rest of his life.

When he called off his engagement with Abby and decided to come out, that was an even bigger step for him, but once Tommy made a decision, he went through with it, no matter the consequences. For the first time, he felt like himself, and not like he was withering away, trapped in a life he never wanted. He gained new confidence, but lost his family for good. He didn’t regret his choice, though, not once, not even for a second, and he was as determined as ever to never live a lie again.

But some things still didn’t feel right. Tommy was free, but he also quickly learnt that if he didn’t want to be lonely, he couldn’t fully, truly be himself. People enjoyed the company of the cool firefighter pilot, the guy with a sharp tongue and good looks, with useful contacts and even better skills. Who wanted to waste time with a fragile, bruised soul when they could have him, the confident guy who knew who he was, who stood tall and proud and strong? So he wore that mask, and he wore it well. Until it started to crack, and so did the wall he’d erected again, to keep his heart safe. But no wall is indestructible, and when it threatened to fall, he took the first chance to run and try again.

So here he is now, with a new job, a new house, and new people, yet still burdened with a lifetime of pain and lies. He doesn’t truly believe that things will be different this time, not really.

But here he is, with a captain who hugged him tight when he walked into his office for the first time, and coworkers who took him under their wing and liked him before they knew how useful he could be, and a boyfriend who wormed his way into Tommy’s heart and life with no intention to leave again. No mask, no lies. It’s just him, the real Tommy, and his Cap loves him, and his coworkers love him, and James loves him even more.

And when Tommy wakes up one morning, with his boyfriend still deep asleep by his side, he knows.

It’s a giddy feeling, and Tommy can’t help the broad smile that spreads across his face. He takes in that handsome face, so soft and so much younger than his fifty years of age, when he’s so innocently, comfortably asleep. No nightmares, no lifelong battle against addiction, nothing painful bothering his beautiful mind, and Tommy loves him so deeply, so fiercely that he wants to laugh and cry at the same time. And he knows for a fact it’s mutual, which is new and it’s scary in a way, but also the most wonderful thing he’s ever experienced.

James is his, and he’s James’, and that’s a fact.

Tommy tries to resist, but he can’t help himself and leans in, brushes his lips against his boyfriend’s in the whisper of a kiss. He can pinpoint the moment James wakes up, a long time before he blinks his eyes open, and smiles instinctively the moment he sees who disturbed his sleep. It’s the sweetest reaction, Tommy thinks, that seeing him first thing in the morning is enough to cause such a happy smile.

“Morning, sunshine,” James says and stretches like a cat. The deep rumble of his voice makes Tommy shiver deliciously. Then, lifting an eyebrow at him, he adds, “Care to tell me why you look so happy this early?”

“Just enjoying the view.” Tommy’s smile grows into a smirk, and he inches closer. “Can’t think of anything better than you in my bed.”

Humming in agreement, James reaches for him under the blankets, and Tommy shivers again when warm, strong hands hold onto his bare skin. There’s a lot on his mind, but all thoughts disappear when his partner flips them over and pins him to the mattress.

But no amount of kissing and sex can make him forget what he’s been thinking about for a while now, or the decision he’s finally made. Maybe he should be nervous again, but as Tommy walks into his kitchen after yet another long shift and finds his boyfriend unpacking a whole bunch of grocery bags, he really isn’t.

“That’s a lot of food,” he remarks. James rewards him with that bright, happy smile again when he looks up.

“Yeah, there’s almost nothing left in there.” He nods his head towards the fridge. “I thought it’s only fair to do the shopping this time, considering I’m pretty much living here by now.” Tommy catches his wince the moment the words are out, and he quickly adds, “Not that I think I do. You know what I mean. We're always here, never really at my place. Which makes sense, ‘cause your house is pretty and my place is shitty…” He shrugs and looks so uncomfortable that Tommy wants to kiss the look right off his face.

Great timing, he thinks, and wills his face to stay serious.

“Actually,” he starts, making his way over to where James is standing by the still open fridge, “I was wondering…I mean, your place really isn’t the nicest. All small, almost no decoration…”

“Hey, only I’m allowed to insult my apartment!” James complains, playful sparks glinting in his eyes. There’s also something attentive in them. Tommy definitely has his attention now.

“What I’m trying to say,” he continues, “is that my place is nicer, and bigger, and you are basically living here. So I was wondering…it’d save you a lot of money if you just decided to stay here for good.”

There it is, the words are out, and they were much easier to say than Tommy expected. Now he is nervous, but not because of the choice he made. For once, he isn’t sure what James is about to say. Saying ‘I love you’ is easy when you know your partner loves you back. But moving in together is a big step, especially after the stories Tommy has shared with him. He can see that James is surprised, needing to let the suggestion sink in.

“Are you sure?” he wants to know then, and he sounds as nervous as Tommy feels. There’s hope audible in his voice, but still he says, “We don’t have to do this if you aren’t absolutely sure and ready for this. Things are great the way they are, and I hope I didn’t say or do anything that makes you feel…”

“You didn’t,” Tommy interrupts him gently, and his heart is filled to the brink with love again; love for this man who feels the same way about him, who’s so determined to make him feel safe and seen and comfortable. And so, he means every word when he says, “I am sure. I want you here. I want you by my side every day. You’re a part of me, and to wake up in your arms, to see you here when I come home…that’s what I want for the rest of my life.”

“Now that sounds almost like a proposal. Not that I think it is! I’m joking!” He grins that crooked grin of his again, and Tommy can’t help but laugh despite those stupid tears that start to form in his eyes. He closes the last bit of distance between them, cups his boyfriend’s face, and kisses him, with all his love and joy poured into it.

“Will you move in with me?” he asks, and James nods.

“I’d love to,” he whispers back.

And when they kiss again, Tommy knows that he’s made yet another big step he certainly won’t regret.