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It was just Jason's luck that the day he needed to talk to Dick so badly that he had followed Dick back to his apartment that apparently everyone else needed to talk to him just as badly.
Jason arrived at the window to see both Tim and Damian sitting around looking at case files with Dick.
"Jason!" Dick said, opening the window for him and trying for a hug that Jason just managed to dodge. Dick didn't fool him, Jason could see the wear on his face even as he smiled. Jason did not have time for this.
“Clear out,” Jason snapped at the younger two.
There was immediate uproar. Tim was swearing, getting right into Jason’s personal space and poking him in the chest. Damian seemed, by comparison, more restrained. He was standing next to Dick with his arms crossed delivering a well-reasoned argument about why he should stay. However, he was doing so at the top of his voice.
Dick tried to discretely cover his ears. After watching this for thirty seconds to see if it would end on its own and realizing it would not, he waved to get their attention. Everyone looked at him.
“Just, give us a minute. I promise I'll let you back in later. Just. go take a walk - in fact, go to the grocery store and get stuff for dinner, okay?”
Jason was crossing his fingers that the kids would turn on Dick and yell at him instead, just because of how funny it would be, but to his intense disappointment, they didn’t. He and Dick stood in somewhat awkward silence while Tim and Damian dithered around locating re-usable bags, demanding Dick's grocery list and wallet, before finally putting on shoes and moving out the door.
“You see,” said Dick, in the loftiest tone he had available to him, “it is far more effective to tell them what they can do, rather than telling them what they can’t do.”
Dick had taken one child psychology class and now it was Jason's problem.
“I don't believe I did tell them what they couldn't do,” he replied, with dignity, “I believe I told them that they could, in fact, clear out.”
“Whatever. They’re gone. What's going on? Are you alright?” he asked, sinking down onto the nearest horizontal surface - his desk - and surveying Jason.
Jason took a moment to notice just how tired Dick looked. It wasn’t as though vigilante-by-night-something-else-by-day really lent itself to a lot of sleep — they were all tired. But something in the way Dick was holding himself made Jason wonder why he hadn’t noticed something was wrong far earlier than now.
Dick was an acrobat. The common words for where someone was in space did not usually apply to him. Dick was not so much standing on a fire escape but balanced there. He was not sitting on the edge of a building, but perched, as a jungle cat might be perched on a branch, ready to pounce. His movements were equal parts power and grace.
But here and now, he seemed weighed down, as though feeling gravity more acutely than usual. His shoulders drooped, he slumped where he sat.
“Why didn’t you talk to me?” Jason found himself asking.
He’d prepared what he was going to say and he was already off script. It showed too, because Dick still thought he could brush Jason off.
“About what?” he asked, "what is wrong Jason?"
Typical, Dick also still thought they were talking about a problem Jason was having. "Nothing is wrong with me. I am fine," he paused for a second, "look, we figured out what that poison did.”
“I know, we figured that out weeks ago.”
“No,” said Jason, “we thought we knew. We were wrong. Now, well, we’re not wrong.”
“What is it then? And why didn’t it affect me?”
Jason didn’t say anything for a moment.
Dick considered him, “and why couldn’t you tell me in front of the kids? They know it happened.”
“I’ll get there,” he said, feeling a combination of annoyance and anxiety that he was not proceeding with how he'd planned this to go. He tried to get the conversation back on track, “we figured out what the poison did,” he said again, “and I think it did affect you and you didn’t notice.”
Dick narrowed his eyes, “what does that mean?”
“I will tell you. And then I'm going to ask you something. And your instinct is going to be to lie to me. I am asking you to at least try not to.”
Dick had the expression of someone who was deeply offended but too tired to do anything about it. He crossed his arms. “I don’t know who you think I am but I don’t lie to you.”
Jason felt a little better now that Dick was showing some personality.
“You lie about all sorts of things but that doesn’t matter right now. Just hear me out.”
Jason thought maybe Dick had sensed where this was going with this because he still looked angry. Dick was not often angry with any of his younger siblings. In fact, it was something Jason had found infuriating about Dick at many points in the past.
“Seven of the other people who had been poisoned have since either committed or attempted suicide. We’ve figured out what it targets in the brain. It targets the part of your brain that is responsible for self-preservation instincts and lowers them. It’s a pretty fucking evil bit of science there. And I know that you got hit with the same stuff. You can't bullshit me - I fucking saw it. So, I can only assume that you have been feeling like this and you simply didn’t realize it was abnormal. There are a few conclusions I can draw from that and I think you already know what they are.”
For a moment, Jason thought Dick was going to take a swing at him, or yell, or do something drastic. Then, he did something much worse; he put his face in his hands.
“What do you want me to say?” he asked.
“How long have you felt like this?” Jason asked, making a monumental effort to force his voice to be - if not comforting - at least quieter.
Dick shrugged, still not looking at him, “months, years? I don’t know.”
“Why didn't you tell me?”
“Jason,” the patronizing tone was back, even though Dick was wiping his streaming eyes with the back of his hand, “you’re my little brother. It’s not your job to take care of me. I’m sorry this happened - I wish you hadn’t figured this out.”
“Yeah, well. I did. And I'm not so little anymore. You don’t think i could handle a little suicidal ideation? Me?”
“Listen –”
“No, you listen. You have been there every time. Every time I needed help. Every time I rolled in the window. Every time I called you because I couldn't do it alone anymore. And you thought that I couldn't handle it? You thought i wouldn’t help you? You’re starting to make me a mad.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Yeah, you did. You think it’s supposed to be one way? That you’re supposed to help me and I'm not supposed to help you? Well, if you don't want to explain the extent of your mental landscape to the kids, I can get that, they haven’t even taken the SATs yet, what the fuck do they know? But it’s me. You’re supposed to tell me stuff!”
“Dude. Are you trying to help me or do you want to fight? I’m getting some mixed signals here.”
Jason turned away, “I don’t know anymore. You’re making me so mad. You think I wouldn't come if you called? You think I'm such an asshole that I wouldn't come?"
"Jason," Dick said softly, "of course I don't think that."
"Yeah? Well you're acting like you do!"
Jason crossed his arms and looked out the window until he heard Dick say softly behind him, “you’re sweet. You know that?”
“Don’t say shit like that.”
“Whatever. So do you have an antidote or what? I’d like to go back to just my, you know, natural suicidal thoughts, instead of the store-bought version.”
“Yeah. We made an antidote. It wasn’t even that hard. Here,” he handed a few pills over.
“Now, if i were trying to get my brother to take antidepressants without telling him, this is what I would do.”
That finally made Jason smile just a little bit, “it’s really just the antidote. But if you want antidepressants I'm sure I could get them.”
“Because of all your underground drug contacts?”
“Yes. Because of all my underground drug - no Dick! They give them to you if you go to a doctor!"
Dick looked at him oddly, "really?"
Jason couldn't decide if he wanted to hug his brother or tear out his own hair. He compromised by offering Dick a weak smile that was probably more like a grimace, "yeah. It's actually pretty easy. I'll even drive you if you want."
"I'll think about it."
That was the best Jason was going to get because at that very moment he heard the telltale sound of two boys carrying the amount of groceries that indicated they had really enjoyed having Dick's credit card in their possession, and dumping said groceries onto the floor.
Before he lost his nerve, he drew Dick into a quick embrace and said into his ear, "think about how I can help, and tell me."
"Yeah," Dick said, his voice shaky.
He wiped his eyes again and then turned away from Jason. He pulled a smile onto his face and stood up straighter, moving off towards the entryway, "Okay," Jason heard him say, " did you guys get anything that was on the list? Anything at all?"