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Dear Schroeder,
I cant believe you would do this to me, why would this happen to you.
This is all my fault Schroeder, it really is there is no changing my mind.
If i could go back in time i would eat only banana pancakes, i wouldn't need strawberries, i would eat pancakes without fruit if it came to that, if i knew what would happen…
How am I supposed to act normal just knowing you're not here, not coming home, not being with me.
You've ruined strawberries for me forever. The one that was once my favorite fruit will never be eaten again. My new favorite fruit is now apples.
~~~~~~~
Schroeder,
I can't even think about you without breaking into tears on the spot.
Right now I wish I had a scraped knee. Maybe then you would come and play me the scraped knee song.
I would kill to hear the sound of your piano, the sound of your voice in the background while I complain about my new homework.
I can't even hear the composer I once used to hate without the memories of you coming back to me and we both know what happens then.
~~~~~~~
Schroeder,
Today was your funeral, I went back home without you. The trip we once planned is now a solo “adventure”.
Everyone there was sad, but not as depressed as me. I had to force myself to stand up there and read my speech about Schroeder Felton. The whole time I was crying, eyes blurry even my glasses couldn't make me see.
I mean they had all your favorite foods, even mac and cheese, but I couldn't force myself to swallow anything. All I could think about was you.
~~~~~~
Schroeder, today someone asked me on a date at school, guess they didn't see the ring that doesn't really matter. I had to say no because no one can be like you.
I remember in high school when we were all waiting for our college applications, I would pray every night that we would end up in the same city. Even if we weren't dating at the time I knew I couldn't leave you. Then when you said you were going to juilliard while i was going to colombia, i was so happy i couldn't see straight, now im so sad i cant even straight.
Schroeder you ruined dating for me, if i was a freshman hearing that I would have beat your ass, but how can i if you're not here…
~~~~~~~
Schroeder Felton,
Today we were supposed to get married. I would have become your Lucille Felton. Instead I'm Lucille van Pelt, sitting at home, in your clothes. The vows I once was excited for you to hear are the vows I have to write so you might see them.
Schroeder since the first day I met you I knew I would marry you,” i would make sure of it” my little kid brain said.
At the ripe age of eight years old I knew the little toy piano and the blond boy playing it would turn into a grand piano and a handsome blond man playing it (i was right for the most part!)
I remember talking you ear off about sauce pans and houses just for you to whack me off the piano.
Now I have sauce pans I once asked for, the apartment we called home, and the grand piano in the middle of the living room. I'm just missing the blond boy I once had to share these things with.
Schroder I thought the engagement ring on my left finger was going to turn into the wedding ring I never took off, I guess I was wrong. I have to be engaged to you forever.
I wouldn't be mad if i had you, but i dont…
~~~~~~~
Schroeder,
I miss you greatly. You've permanently left a mark on me and I can't do anything about it.
Everyday, at every hour, at every minute I think about you.
Nothing looks the same, nothing feels the same. The feelings of crabby, happy, overly me have turned into something I wish would go away.
I can barely get myself to step foot into this apartment because it doesn't feel like a home.
It feels like nothing goes the way I hope it to.
Schroeder please give me a sign that everything will get better, I need it desperately.
~~~~~~~~
Schroeder,
What if I joined you up there?