Archive of Our Own ^beta

The front door banged and Liv jolted awake, disorientated despite being in her own bed.

Her dream was still fresh in her mind and for one split second everything was as it should be.

Then she remembered.

And her whole world came crashing down.

She bolted upright, gasping for breath as pain filled her chest, the heart-breaking reality made worse by the vivid dream that had just been cruelly ripped away from her.

She could still see the daft smile lighting his eyes as he poked fun at her; could still feel the warm touch of his calloused hand on her skin as he softened his banter with a light pinch of her cheek; and she could still hear the playful laughter in his voice which she feared she would forget all too soon.

She hugged herself and scrunched her eyes shut, trying to prevent tears from escaping, and as she rocked back and forth, willing the ache to go away, voices drifted up the stairs into her consciousness.

Robert!

She flung the covers back and rushed out of bed, her steps slowing as she descended the stairs and the voices became clearer. She sat down in her usual spot close to the banister, five steps up. Aaron had once joked that the stairs carpet would be the first they would need to replace due to the imprint of Liv’s bum.

The door to the living room was open a few inches and she could just see Robert slumped on the couch and Chas standing over him with her hands on her hips. Liv pulled her sleeves down over her hands and listened.

“Where the hell have you been?!”

Chas had been taking care of Liv over the past few days and had suggested they go back to the pub but Liv hadn’t wanted to leave in case Robert came back. She knew that Chas had been worried about him too even though she’d tried her best to hide it. Now she just sounded angry.

“Out. Getting drunk. Reckon I’m allowed under the circumstances, don’t you?” he slurred.

“Nobody’s heard from you in three days! I was gonna start phoning round the hospitals tomorrow.”

When Robert lifted a bottle of alcohol to his lips and attempted to drink from it, Chas wrestled it from him, spilling some its contents onto his clothes in the process. “Give me that!” She went into the kitchen and emptied the bottle down the sink before throwing it in the bin. “You need to pull yourself together,” she said as she came back into the room.

“Pull myself together? Pull myself together?! My boyfriend’s just fucking died!” he shouted.

A tear ran down Liv’s face as she sat in silent misery listening to Robert trying to get air into his lungs, his breathing shaky and ragged.  “My boyfriend’s just died,” he choked out.

Chas sighed, her anger deflating. “I know it’s hard, love.” Chas looked to the ceiling and blew out a breath. “God, do I know it’s hard.” She looked back at Robert. “But you can’t just disappear for days on end and not tell anyone where you are. You’ve got responsibilities now. You’ve let yourself down but more importantly you’ve let Liv down.”

“And Aaron,” he sobbed.

Oh God, he sounded wrecked. Liv put her hands over her face to muffle the sound of her own tears and inhaled deeply. She was wearing one of Aaron’s hoodies; had been sleeping in it for days now, and she’d taken great comfort in it especially in Robert’s absence. She dreaded the moment it began to smell more like her and less like Aaron.

“It’s alright for you,” Robert continued. “You’ve got Jason, I’ve got no one.”

“Hey! That’s not true! When Aaron chose you, you got the rest of the Dingles by default. You’ve got me and Charity and Zak and Lisa and Belle and Marlon. You’ve even got Cain whether you like it or not. And Paddy! Though technically he’s not a Dingle and you did try to kill him but even he’s here for you. You proved yourself to Paddy by being there for Aaron when he needed you. Now prove yourself to that heartbroken little girl upstairs and be there for her too.”

Robert sniffed. “She’s not little anymore.”

“No, you’re right, she’s not, but she still needs ya.”

Robert wiped his face with his sleeve, nodding miserably, and Chas helped him to lay down on his side. “Now get some rest,” she said, putting a cushion beneath his head. “I’ll be round in the morning.”

She picked up her coat and bag from the chair where she’d left them and walked towards the door. She was out of Liv’s sight when Robert called out and stopped her from leaving. “Chas?”

“Yes, love.”

“H-how is your heart not breaking into a million pieces?”

Liv heard Chas take a deep breath before answering. “Who says it’s not?”

The door closed quietly behind her and Liv waited a few seconds before standing and descending the rest of the stairs. She wiped away her tears and pushed open the door to the living room, coming to a stop in front of Robert who was already asleep.

She could see where his tears had run down his face, the light from the lamp on the nearby table highlighting the path they’d taken. She reached down to turn the lamp off and pulled the throw off the back of the couch. As she laid it over him, he stirred and opened his eyes. “Liv,” he said sleepily. “I’m so sorry.”

She tucked the blanket around him and shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. Get some rest.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he repeated, growing progressively agitated. He struggled to free one of his arms and started tugging on her clothes. “Forgive me.”

She dropped to her knees and began running her fingers through his hair. “It’s okay, I’m okay. You need to sleep now.”

“Is that…” He wiped his nose with his sleeve and choked back a sob. “Is that Aaron’s hoodie?”

“Yeah,” Liv said, slipping it off. “Here.” She gave it to him readily, hoping it would bring him the same comfort it brought her. He immediately pressed his face to it and used it to muffle his anguished sobs as Liv had done earlier.

“I miss him so much,” he wailed into the material.

She went back to stroking his hair and lay her head down beside him. “Me too,” she cried. “Me too.”

It was almost noon when Liv woke up the next morning. She’d gone back to bed sometime around 3am when Robert had quietened down and finally drifted off to sleep.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten and all of a sudden realised she was famished. As she went downstairs she could hear Robert speaking on the phone.

“Sandra, look, you know that when I agreed to adopt Liv, I had Aaron by my side to share the responsibility. Now that he’s gone that changes things… No, we can’t just leave it. Why do you think I’m phoning you? I need to sort this as soon as possible for Liv’s sake… Well, of course it wasn’t what we agreed, do you think I don’t know that?… I appreciate that. Look, a couple of years and she’ll be off doing her own thing anyway. Please, Sandra… Thank you. Seriously, this is the best thing for Liv, I’m sure of it… No, I haven’t brought it up with her yet, she’s just lost her brother… Of course… Well, she could go back with you after the funeral… Thanks… I’ll contact my solicitor. See you soon.”

Liv couldn’t believe it; Robert didn’t want her. The court order was due to be granted any day and they’d been waiting for the adoption certificate in the post. Now Aaron was dead and Robert didn’t care about her anymore. She felt angry and unwanted all over again. How could he do this to her? He was supposed to love her like she loved him.

She crept back upstairs and waited until she thought he’d left the house but when she walked into the kitchen, he was there. Aaron’s hoodie was folded neatly over the back of a chair and he was gripping it tightly as he stared at a picture of Aaron on his phone.

She could tell he’d been crying and for a split second she forgot his betrayal and almost rushed to embrace him but then she remembered and checked herself in time.

Her aborted action caused him to look up. He sniffed and quickly put his phone in his pocket. “Hey.”

Despite everything she still wanted to comfort him. What was wrong with her?

“I’m going into Hotten,” he said, putting on his leather jacket. “There’s a few things I need to take care of. Do you want anything?”

“No.” She walked to the sink, poured herself a glass of water and turned around.

He looked her up and down. “Do you want a new outfit for the funeral?”

“I’m good, thanks.” She took a long sip and put the glass in the sink. As she tried to leave the room, Robert grabbed her arm. She looked down at his hand then back up at him.

“Liv. About last night… the past few days…”

“Don’t worry about it.” She shrugged out of his hold and went back to her room to pack some bags.

Robert had just got out of a meeting with his solicitor and was walking back to his car when he checked his phone. Five missed calls and a voicemail from Chas. “Robert, where the hell are ya? It’s Liv. Don’t worry, she’s fine. I don’t know what’s going on but you need get yourself back here and sort this mess out now.”

Robert drove back to Emmerdale immediately, exceeding the speed limit on some of the quieter roads. All sorts of terrible thoughts were running through his mind, despite Chas assuring him that Liv was safe and well.

He entered the pub through the back door and went straight through to the living room. Jason appeared to be comforting Chas on the couch, his arms around her as she rested her head on him. They broke apart and stood up to face him.

Robert glanced around the room, looking for Liv. “Where is she? Is she okay?”

“What happened?” Chas asked, pulling the hem of her top down before crossing her arms. “Because when I called round this morning, it seemed like you were on top of everything.”

Robert frowned. “I was. I am. I’ve just been to see my solicitor. He’s already got the ball rolling.”

“Well, tell that to Liv because she’s convinced that you don’t want her.”

“Why would she think that?”

“She wouldn’t say, just asked if she could stay here until after the funeral because she didn’t have a home anymore.”

“What?! That’s ridiculous!”

“She says she’s going to live with her mum in Ireland,” Jason said.

Robert’s heart dropped. He walked around the couch and collapsed onto it. “She’s sixteen. If she wants to go back and live with her mum, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“No. Something’s happened. It just doesn’t make sense.” Chas sat on the couch arm and rubbed his shoulder. “She might not show it but that girl adores you.”

Robert shook his head. He didn’t know what to say to that. If Liv was considering leaving Emmerdale, then that obviously wasn’t true.

“She’s settled here,” she continued. “Why would she want to leave? I just don’t get it.”

“Me neither. What have I done wrong, Chas?” Robert looked at her for answers that he knew she couldn’t give. “I thought we were good, me and Liv. We were going to adopt her. She said that was what she wanted. I guess… without Aaron…” Chas squeezed his shoulder. “…she doesn’t want that anymore.” He rubbed his face and groaned. “I know I let her down. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me but I thought she’d forgive me, that she’d understand. I don’t want her to go.”

“Neither do I, love.”

Liv burst through the door and Robert jumped up, spinning around to face her. “Liv!”

Ignoring Robert, Liv turned her attention to Chas. “What’s he doing here?”

“Look, if this is about the past few days-“ Robert said.

Liv glared at him. “Do you think I care if you go off on a three-day bender or not? I’ll be living with Mum soon so you can do what you like.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re packing me off to live with Mum, can’t wait to get rid of me.”

“I’m not packing you off to live with your mum. She just wants to spend a few days with you and I thought you might like to go back to Dublin with her after the funeral, get your head together away from here. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. Where is all this coming from?”

“You only ever agreed to adopt me to score brownie points with Aaron.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“And now that he’s dead you don’t want me anymore. You said Aaron dying changed everything. That’s what you said, I heard ya!”

Ah. That explained things; the phone call to Sandra and Liv’s penchant for eavesdropping.

“Legally, yes! The paperwork, the court order - not me wanting to adopt you.”

She stared at him in silence, her face red and blotchy.

“Liv, come and sit down.” He stepped back and gestured to the couch. After a moment’s consideration she sat down and he sat beside her but when he tried to take her hand, she shrugged him off. He took a deep breath and continued.

“The court order wasn’t granted before Aaron died which means I need to re-apply as sole applicant. I had to get Sandra to agree to that, hence the phone call. We’ll have to go through the whole process all over again and I didn’t want to say anything until I knew where we stood. It never occurred to me you might feel differently about everything now or that maybe you’d want to wait a while. I just assumed you’d still want it as much as I do. I’m sorry. I screwed up. It’s what I do. I should have asked you first.”

When she didn’t respond, he looked to Chas for guidance or for courage, he didn’t know, but she just nodded her head for him to carry on.

“Liv, do you remember what Aaron said to you when he asked if you’d like us to adopt you?”

She shook her head and pouted. “No.”

“He said you already belong to us, we just want to make it official.”

He took her hand again and this time she let him.

“Let me do this, Liv.” He reached up and wiped away some of her tears. “For you and for Aaron… and for me.”

Without warning she lunged at him, burying her face in his jacket.

“I’m sorry I doubted you,” she cried.

He held her and stroked a hand down her ponytail, the way he’d seen Aaron do a million times before.

“Never think that I don’t want you, Liv. Ever.”

Liv became a bit clingy after that. When Sandra arrived, Robert expected Liv to gravitate towards her for maternal support and comfort but it never happened. Liv would seek him out even when her mother was in the room and he could tell Chas had noticed because he’d catch her observing them, a considering look on her face. If it bothered Sandra, she never said anything.

At the funeral, Liv chose to sit between Robert and her mum but it was Robert’s hand that she reached for and held for the duration of the ceremony.

Needless to say, the wake was held at The Woolpack. When Robert and Liv entered the pub together, Chas was over at the buffet table taking cling film off the sandwiches. As soon as she noticed them she made her way through the crowd and pulled Liv away from him. “Come on, love, let’s get you something to eat.”

Chas probably thought she was doing him a favour by rescuing him from Liv but it just made Robert resentful. The truth was, he liked the fact Liv took comfort in his presence because it made him feel wanted and needed at a time when he was utterly lost without Aaron by his side.

The sheer number of people packed into that one room made it difficult to move and the pub had never felt smaller. Every time someone placed a sympathetic hand on his arm or offered words of condolence, it made him want to scream or burst into tears.

He found himself continually being introduced to distant members of the Dingle clan. He’d never heard of most of them before that day – and some of them had never even met Aaron – but they always pulled together, often traveling great distances to pay their respects at a time like this.

As he listened with only half an ear to their tales of Dingle family life, he looked over his shoulder and sought Liv out in the crowd; as long as she was nearby, he could stay strong for her sake but without her there, he felt like he might fall apart at any second.

It seemed Chas had decided that Liv should suffer the same fate at Robert. He caught sight of her trying to make herself invisible at the edge of a loud group on the other side of the bar. She looked shattered and completely miserable and he resolved to get her out of there as soon as possible.

As if sensing his regard, her head turned and their eyes met. He smiled at her and she gave him a sad smile back.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and sent her a text: say you need the loo and meet me out back

She read the message and approached Chas to whisper in her ear. He noticed Chas’s worried gaze follow her exit from the room before she turned her attention to him. He made his excuses to the people around him and made his way through the throng of people in order to follow Liv.

As he reached the door he looked one last time Chas. She nodded in acknowledgement and he gave one in return before opening the door and heading out, past the toilets and into the fresh air.

Surprisingly Liv was nowhere to be seen so he sent a text to Chas: Sorry for bailing on you. Please thank everyone for coming. x

Seconds later he received one back: will do, look after her x

It was quiet on this side of the pub because there were no tables for people to sit at while they had a smoke. He was leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets enjoying the quiet when Liv came out.

“Where have you been?” he asked, pushing himself off the wall.

“I did actually need the toilet.”

He chuckled and slung his arm around her shoulders, pulling her against his side. “Come on.”

“Thanks for rescuing me,” she said as they walked home.

“Anytime.”

Liv was wiped out. As soon as they got home, Robert locked the door behind them and she went into the living room and collapsed on the couch, her eyes closing as soon as her head hit the cushions.

She could hear Robert moving about in the kitchen and opened her eyes when he came in carrying a bottle of beer he must have found in the fridge.

He fell onto the couch beside her and after prising the top off, tossed the bottle opener onto the coffee table in front of them and took a large swig. She was surprised when he gave her a nudge and offered her the bottle.

She took it from him. “You do realise this is not the best of starts to you adopting me.”

“Well, if you don’t want it…” he said, attempting to take it back.

She grinned at him and lifted it out of reach. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

She raised the bottle to her lips, taking a small sip, and sat in silence for a few minutes pulling at the label on the beer as she reflected on the day.

“We were gonna get married, you know,” Robert said quietly.

She looked down at his left hand and the shiny, new ring on his finger. She’d noticed it a few days ago but with all the adoption drama and preparation for the funeral, she hadn’t mentioned it. “You asked him to marry ya?”

“We were in church watching Marlon and Carly getting married,” Robert said, a faraway look on his face. “I nudged him and said, ‘We should do that,’ and he smiled and took my hand and said, ‘Yeah, we should,’ and that was that.”

The ring was plain; there was no fancy design or stones embedded in the gold and yet it looked perfect on Robert’s finger. Liv felt its simplicity made it all the more symbolic and it was exactly the kind of ring Aaron would have chosen himself.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Liv asked, a little disappointed they hadn’t told her.

“We would have done eventually. We just thought it’d be nice having a secret just between the two of us for a while. We never got around to making plans or buying rings. The other day, when I went into Hotten, I picked two rings out and took Aaron’s to the funeral home. I asked them to put it in his coffin so it could be buried with him.”

Liv felt a single tear roll down her cheek and slipped her hand into Robert’s. “Do you think Aaron would have taken your name?”

“No.” Robert seemed absolutely certain of that. “And I would never have asked him to.”

She bent forward and placed the bottle on the table. “Why not?”

“He went through so much to get to that point in his life. Becoming a Dingle meant the world to him. I’d never have taken that away from him.”

“You could have changed yours.”

Robert laughed softly. “What? And become a Dingle? It’s an exclusive club, you know.” He grinned and adopted the broad northern accent he used to tease Aaron with whenever the topic of being a Dingle came up. “If your name’s not on the list, you’re not coming in.”

“They’d have let you in,” Liv said earnestly, giving his hand a quick squeeze. “You did so much for Aaron.”

Robert looked at her thoughtfully. “You know you won’t have Aaron’s name now when the adoption goes through.”

She nodded and Robert continued. “You’ll be a Sugden but we can change it to Dingle by deed poll when we get the certificate.”

“Nah, you’re alright.”

Robert frowned, looking genuinely confused. “Sorry?”

Liv shrugged. “I don’t wanna be a Dingle.”

When they’d first started the adoption process, it had been assumed by everyone that she would take Aaron’s name. It was what she had wanted at the time so she’d happily gone along with it but things were different now.

“You know I was only joking before. They’ll welcome you with open arms.”

“It’s not that,” she said. “I wanna be a Sugden.”

“I don’t understand. Dingles might not have the best reputation but everyone knows they’re loyal and protective when it comes to family. They always have each other’s backs.”

“Remind you of anyone?”

Robert looked at her blankly.

“When Chrissie set Andy up, you risked your own freedom to help him leave the country. You didn’t stop fighting until you brought Chrissie down so that he could come back home and clear his name. And you did all that knowing Andy got you shot - and he’s not even blood! You’d do the same for Vic and Diane and I know you would have done anything for Aaron.” She gave a small shrug. “I’d like to think you’d do the same for me too.”

“You know I would.”

“Well then.”

Robert studied her carefully as if he still didn’t believe her. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. And I reckon Aaron would’ve approved, don’t you?”

“You know what? I think he would too.” He reached for the beer and after taking another swallow kept hold of it, resting it on the couch against his thigh.

“Me and Gabby talked about weddings just after she lost her dad,” Liv said. “She said she never wanted to get married because she didn’t have a dad to walk her down the aisle.”

“She’ll change her mind once she finds the right man.”

“I know but it made me feel guilty.”

“Why?”

“Because I had two men I could ask to walk me down the aisle.”

It was a bittersweet confession. Robert laced their fingers together and smiled sadly; the significance of what she’d just said hanging in the air between them.

“Will ya?” Liv asked. “When the time comes.”

“I’d be honoured.”

She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. Minutes later, she was just dozing off when Robert nudged her urgently. “Liv.”

“What?” she mumbled without opening her eyes.

“If you ever need me, call me, find me, wherever I am, night or day...”

“Mmm.”

“I mean it, Liv.”

“Right back at ya,” she replied sleepily. “Us Sugdens need to stick together.”