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Chapter Text

New York Times Opinion Editorial

Why Captain America is Just Plain Wrong About America

Guest Contributor Dr. Darcy Lewis

               When I was a child, there was nothing I loved more than plopping myself in front of an old person and demanding a story. It didn’t matter if I knew them, whether they were doing something else, or even if they were the cashier at Target, I would sit down and demand a story before I was willing to move. After a while, my mother started bringing me to her job at a retirement community, in the hopes that I would stop bothering those poor seniors we met at the park who already had grandchildren to entertain.

               One of the women at this retirement community was named Miriam*. She didn’t get many visitors, so more often than not, my mom would dump me in her room. Miriam was also my absolute favorite. Because she was German Jewish, she knew different fairy tales and stories from everyone else, and her strong accent meant that her villains actually sounded scary. I used to visit her almost every day.

               Then one day she told me a new story. It was a story about a bad man with the power of a country behind him and the will to do terrible things. It was different from her other stories; this one was very clearly true. It’s not easy to explain the Holocaust to a six-year-old, but somehow she managed. At the end, she leaned into me and said, “A lot of people will tell you that the best thing about America is that it’s free, but they’re wrong. The best part of America is that it isn’t free.”

               This, understandably, confused me to no end. After all, we weren’t called the Land of the Free for nothing. What did she mean? Weren’t we doing a lot better than a police state or a dictatorship? We had democratic elections, the Statue of Liberty, and Dairy Queen, for God’s sake! What more did she want from us? Freedom was a big deal, especially for a six-year-old pushing for a later bedtime.

               “Darcy,” she explained, “what happens when you do something you’re not supposed to?”

               “I get a time-out.”

               “And when your parents do something they aren’t supposed to? If they steal something?”

               “They go to jail.”

               She walked me through the entire legal system and then started on the government. She explained that Congress, who was elected by the people, made laws for the people. These laws weren’t proper laws until the President—also elected by the people—approved them. Even then, they could be tossed out by the Supreme Court for being unconstitutional. The military worked the same way. War could only be declared by Congress, troops were controlled by the President, and all the strategy was put into action by the generals. This system of checks and balances, she explained, was the reason America wasn’t free. Hitler, on the other hand, was free to do whatever he wanted, and he wanted to take freedoms from everyone else.

               “Sometimes you have to give up a little bit of freedom so you can be safe and happy,” she ended.

               Well, this didn’t make any sense to six-year-old me, and I think six-year-old me and Captain America have that in common. What’s the point, after all, of people fighting and dying for freedom if you had to give it all away? That’s some HYDRA-level thinking right there.

               It wasn’t until I got to high school—AP Government—that I fully understood what Miriam meant. When she said freedom, she meant power, or maybe agency. Throughout history, it has been demonstrated time and time again that unchecked power is an absolutely terrible idea. The Roman Empire had nothing on the Roman Republic, England only became a real power post-Magna Carta, and, well, I think there’s a reason the US has become the most powerful nation.

               Yes, the average American sacrifices some level of their power to the government. We don’t—or, at least, shouldn’t—have civilians patrolling their neighborhoods to stop crime. We can no longer “settle things ourselves” or have a duel. We must pay taxes, and there’s just about no way any of us can buy a nuclear weapon. But we also reap incredible benefits—major things like a say in government, a mostly non-corrupt police force, due process, education, and national defense; minor things like sanitation, US Postal Service, national parks, and a whole bunch of quality internet memes. This is called the social contract, and it’s what makes societies function properly.

               Now, here’s the part that I don’t think Captain America and the rest of the Avengers understand. There’s a reason America has always feared unchecked power. King George had the power to levy taxes on the colonists from 3,000 miles away. Daniel Shays could raise a mob of farmers to topple the new government. Because of this, no power is concentrated in any one person or group of people. That is, until superheroes started appearing on the scene.

               Yes, the President is powerful. But he still has to answer to the people and to the government. Congress has the power to remove him from office, and he still has to obey the same laws we do. An alien lightning god isn’t bound by our pesky mortal rules. They have no accountability to anyone but themselves, and absolutely no checks on their power.

               190 nations signed the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons. A group of trained demigods with minds, the best technology on (or off) the planet, and actual superpowers can do significantly more damage than a mere nuclear bomb. They aren’t called superheroes for nothing. I, for one, don’t trust one man’s moral compass, not when the means to the end are innocent lives. The Sokovia Accords may not be perfect yet, but they at least place limitations on this unchecked power.

               The Accords also, and this is a part often overlooked, de-privatize national and world security. The Avengers are great men and women, but if I wanted brain surgery, I wouldn’t talk to an accountant and if I wanted someone in charge of deploying the greatest weapons of our time across the world, I wouldn’t pick an electrical engineer. We should stop allowing private citizens to intervene in world affairs, cross national borders without the proper paperwork, and otherwise wreak havoc internationally. Captain America and I share the same legal status, but if I took my private jet into Nigeria to shoot an arms dealer, I would (and should) be arrested.

               Tony Stark once bragged about privatizing national security. My question to you is, at what cost?

Dr. Lewis completed her Ph.D. in political science at Culver University and now teaches political science and international relations there. Contact her at [email protected].

*Names have been changed.

Comments (27)

Natalie Rushman, Toledo, OH
Great article! Raises a lot of good points about the role of private individuals in international decisions. I agree.

        Roger Buchanan, Brooklyn, NY
        If Chamberlain and the US had gone to war earlier, maybe the atrocities of the Holocaust could have been avoided. If you can save innocent             lives, don’t they have a duty to that above any other law?

                Monica Chang, Atlanta, GA
                Experts think that the war would’ve taken longer if the US had gone to war against Germany in ’39, because they wouldn’t have put                         nearly as much effort into defeating Japan—who, meanwhile, was perpetrating all sorts of atrocities across China. Sometimes waiting                       does save lives.

Cletus Kasady, Decatur, AL
This comment has been flagged as offensive.

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Come work for us

You know you want to fix the Accords. Last chance.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Come work for us

No.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Come work for us

I read your article in the Times. If you support the Accords so much, why not run the department?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Come work for us

Because I like being a third-party observer. Also, I don’t work for people who shot up my university. Also also, I don’t think that A) the US and B) you specifically should be in charge of this task force. It shows bias. It’s bad enough that all the Avengers are Americans.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Come work for us

Not true. Natasha Romanoff is still a Russian citizen, Wanda Maximoff is Sokovian, and King T’Challa is Wakandan. And if we’re going to be really pedantic, neither Thor nor Vision are citizens of anywhere on Earth.

Betty told me you hated teaching. Work for me, and I promise you won’t have to deal with another eighteen-year-old.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Come work for us

American residents, you asshole. T’Challa doesn’t count. He isn’t an Avenger.

If I work for you, all my research gets tainted with “well, she works for them, she has to agree with them.” I will put up with a million bratty future senator douchebags for that. My research and articles are some important shit. Gotta keep the people informed.

Tell your daughter to stop gossiping about me. And tell her to tell Jane that, too.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Come work for us

I’ll pay you a ridiculous amount, and I’ll fly you around the world.

Hell, sign on as a consultant for a bit. Advise us on what to do next. Isn’t the whole point of what you do for people to listen? I’m listening, but no one’s talking.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Come work for us

Why me?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Come work for us

Because nobody else is studying the political ramifications of superheroes. Incidentally, nobody else has met any of the Avengers either. It’s a double-win.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Come work for us

Fine. But I’m overhauling your whole strategy.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Come work for us

I’d hoped you would. I’ll have my people talk to your people.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Come work for us

By “people,” do you mean my incompetent TA, Bridget?

Also, I’m charging you out the ass for this. I’ve seen that goddamn building you built in Berlin. You people can afford it.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Jane Foster
Today, 3:41 PM

So I took the job

What changed?

I want to make a treaty with Asgard.

Jane Foster is typing…

Nobody said you didn’t aim high.
I can’t help. I haven’t talked to Thor since the break-up

Haha I wasn’t gonna ask
unless you figured out how to send radio waves to Asgard cuz that would be tight
I don’t actually know how to contact tehm
Fuck this was poorly planned

 I’m close. Despite New Intern Grace who is awful.
Too bad Ian got that job at Cambridge. I miss him.

You and me both but well see him at the wedding
Is it weird how excited I am to go to my ex’s wedding

I think it’s weird that you refer to him as your ex. You two made out once.
When do you start?

Next Thursday
T God it’s summer
Though Granville was pissed when I told him I had to leave for a month
Idk why tho I don’t teach in the summer anyway

Granville is always pissed. What’s he going to do, cut your nonexistent research budget?

Lolol
Bro I now get 4 grand
I’m rolling in it
though I just found out I get less than the math profs
AND THEIR SHIT’S THEORETICAL

Nothing wrong with theoretical.
Can you even talk about this?

Two agents are coming by tomorrow with the NDA
So I can for like sixteen hours
They’re paying me like 30k for this
I’m only there for a month
I really think they want me lol

I could have told you that.
The Secretary of State doesn’t usually write personally to professors

You have a framed letter from Obama

I was a Nobel candidate.

Fiar
do you think I’ve been dumb passing them up

No
But then again I turned down SHIELD twice

We’re very intelligent women

That’s one word for it.

Chapter Text

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: I hate you

That NDA was thirty-seven pages of size eight font. Four pages of which were the same three clauses slightly reworded.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: I hate you

Our lawyers are thorough. They do, after all, have to cover all eventualities, possibilities, and loopholes.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: I hate you

Not worth it. Can I back out yet?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: I hate you

You’ve already signed the contract. I’ll see you in nine days.

Bring lots of ideas. This is still pretty unpopular in the West.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: I hate you

Do I look like a goddamn media consultant?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I hate you

Your thesis was on the effects of superheroes on public opinion. It’s not that much of a stretch.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I hate you

Now I really really hate you.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Ian Boothby
Today, 9:32 PM

How do I pack for a business trip

I am an academic
I have literally never been on a business trip in my life
Why

I made a terrible mistake

Tell me you didn’t take the job

That’s classified
Like, actually classified
I had to sign an NDA

Oh bugger

Careful your british is showing

Maggie says bring lots of versatile pieces that you can mix and match
I don’t know what that means
But you should

I don’t have versatile pieces
I don’t even have pieces

Text her yourself

Margaret Carter
Today, 9:46 PM

What the fuck is a versatile piece

It means it looks good with many different looks
Your blue shirt without sleeves is a versatile look

You mean my clubbing/after clubbing walk of shame shirt

It looks cute under your blazer and your black sweater
And you can wear it clubbing
How long is the trip

A month

What sort of shoes do I bring

One flat, one heel, one athletic weekend not at the office shoe

I don’t think I have an athletic weekend not at the office shoe

Bring flip flops then
When do you leave?

Tomorrow at 9
How many pieces is enough pieces

Six shirts, four skirts, one pant, two dresses, three shoes, and your two cute cardigans and blazer
Plus some sort of jeans and two t shirts you can wear away from the office
No sweats though

How do you know all this

My mother went on business trips the way other mothers went grocery shopping
Besides, the embassy’s sent me on more than one
Roll your clothes too nothings quite as shameful as bringing anything bigger than a carry on

Fuck

Chapter Text

Washington Post

UN Announces Pardons for Superheroes Who Violated Sokovia Accords

               Berlin—In a stunning turn of events, Secretary Ross announced that the United Nations will issue pardons for those Avengers who violated the Sokovia Accords, provided they retire immediately and cease their vigilante actions.

               When asked about this decision, Secretary Ross said, “I think we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot with [them]. Neither the Avengers nor the UN wants another fight like that in Berlin. In fact, we and the Avengers have a common goal—to protect mankind. Though we disagree fundamentally about the role of the government in this goal, I don’t see them as my enemies. Some of these men and women have families back home in the US. I would be remiss if I didn’t do everything in my power to reunite them with their families, especially after everything they have done for the world. I honestly hope they can move past these feelings of aggression for the sake of their families.”

               If they want to continue fighting crime, Ross said, they must wait a period of four months before signing the Accords, at which point they will become an official member of the New Avengers.

Buzzfeed News

BREAKING—HAWKEYE AND ANT-MAN ACCEPT PARDONS, ARE REPATRIATED

               Earlier this week, Secretary Thaddeus Ross announced that any Avenger who turned themselves in would be pardoned and returned to the US, provided they didn’t engage in any superheroics. Though very few people expected any of the Avengers to actually accept the pardon, the United Nations just confirmed that the Avengers known as Hawkeye and Ant-Man have accepted the deal and are currently back in the United States.

               The UN declined to share more, only saying that they were excited to reach this level of cooperation and that they hope that others will also accept the pardons.

               This story is ongoing and will be updated as information becomes available.

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Hawkeye

You were right about Hawkeye having a family. How’d you know?

 Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Hawkeye

The guy’s name is Hawkeye. He’s clearly from Iowa. And, personal experience, nobody lives in Iowa if they have other options unless they’ve got family there.

I didn’t expect to get Ant-Man, though. You’re welcome for reducing your enemies by about a third.   

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Jane Foster
Today, 8:02 AM

Holy shit he just paid me another five grand
Jesus what is my life

I’m assuming this is because of the pardons?
How did you get Ross to agree to these?

He’s so desperate for Western support, he’s willing to do whatever I say
The real question is, how do I get him to sign on for my next idea

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Subj: Consultants?

When I was at the UN, I heard Ross talk about his consultant. I don’t think these ideas are his, and that worries me. I’m not sure what their end game is. Keep an eye out.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Consultants

Thanks, I’ll keep an eye out for this new guy.

Hi to the kids.

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Subj: Ross’s New Consultant

What do you know about the consultant the UN hired?

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Ross’s New Consultant

Her name is Darcy Lewis, and she’s a twenty-eight-year-old teacher at Culver. She wrote her doctoral thesis on the effects of superheroes on public policy, and Ross has been after her for a while.

You don’t have to worry about her, really. She’s there for two more weeks, and her only goal is to make the treaty more palatable to the West.

How are Laura and the kids?

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Ross’s New Consultant

Darcy Lewis? Wasn’t she that kid from New Mexico, Jane Foster’s assistant? What the hell is she doing in politics?

Laura and the kids are fine, but Laura says if I leave to fight crime again, she’s leaving me. Now I’m really, really retired.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Ross’s New Consultant

Maybe, I didn’t look too far once I found out she was temporary. Maybe they’re just friends? Or she could have had a double major in undergrad.

I hope Laura isn’t mad at me. I want to come for Christmas again.

Chapter Text

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Infeasible

Nice presentation. And how exactly do you expect to form a treaty with Asgard?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Infeasible

Well gee Thad, I thought I’d pass them a note in Geometry class that said “do u lyk me circle one.”

You need another win, and an alien mutual friendship treaty requires very little of us, more from them, and looks real good for all of us. Cap’s beating the crap out of your side, and all he does is wear shirts that are too small.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Infeasible

In case you’ve forgotten, it’s on an alien planet. Why would they agree to this?

Furthermore, how do you expect to tell them about this?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Infeasible

They’d agree to this because they know they fucked up sending Thor and the Destroyer here in the first place, and because Jane Foster totally saved their asses with the Convergence.

And don’t worry, I have a plan.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: The Bifrost

Mr. Stark,

I am a consultant with the United Nations, and I was hoping to ask for a favor. In the event that you need to reach Thor, how do you go about sending messages to Asgard?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: The Bifrost

What the hell do you need to reach Thor for?

Swear to god, lady, if you people are trying to arrest him, I will pour every cent of my billions into collapsing the Accords.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: The Bifrost

As much as I’d like to see that, I have no interest in arresting (or even talking) to Thor. I’m pretty OK having not seen him since London, seeing as he was sort of a dick to my best friend Jane.

I was actually hoping to contact Odin and discuss a sort of treaty of mutual friendship. You know, if we have another Space Invader, we can get help from them and stuff. Maybe even some sort of technological exchange? I dunno. Just thought it’d be a good idea.

Incidentally, nothing says “Great PR” quite like “International Space Alien Treaty.” Just throwing that out there.  

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: The Bifrost

I can’t tell if that’s stupid as hell or the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard of.

Fine.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: The Bifrost

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Thank you!

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Bifrost

Okay, they want to meet with you tomorrow. Be ready.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Bifrost

Oh no, I wasn’t going to actually be negotiating the treaty. I’m only consulting with the UN for another four days, not to mention I don’t have any authority to negotiate any sort of treaty. I would recommend Thaddeus Ross or an ambassador with experience? Maybe a lawyer. I’m really just a college professor.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Bifrost

I believe Odin’s exact words were “you, and only you.”

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Subj: Heads Up

Ross has got a college prof as a consultant, and she’s negotiating a treaty with Asgard. Seeing as she has no authority with any government, I can’t imagine it’ll impact you too much, but I thought you should know anyway.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Heads Up

Thanks, I guess. How did you get my email?

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Heads Up

I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Have you forgotten who I am?

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Jane Foster
Today, 6:15 AM

I got roped into negotiating the treaty
Any tips?

You’re going to Asgard? When?
Odin hates Midgardians, so I don’t know why he’d do this.

In about an hour
This was a terrible idea why didn’t you stop me

I tried, you didn’t listen.
Have fun and good luck.

Chapter Text

TRANSCRIPT OF MIDGARDIAN TREATY DISCUSSIONS
MADE BY THE KING FOR THE SOLE USE OF THE KING
ANY VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED

DL: Thank you for meeting me. I understand that Midgardians aren’t often welcomed on Asgard.

KO: I was told that you are here on behalf of Midgard to negotiate a treaty.

DL: Yes. Well, sort of. I am here to negotiate a treaty; it’s, um, up to the nations of Earth to approve the treaty. [Pause] But yeah, I’m basically here on behalf of them. A lot of them just don’t know it yet.

KO: Tony Stark led me to believe that the United Nations was an overarching government for your planet.

DL: Well. Um. Yes. Yes, it is. It just, um, doesn’t have a lot of power? It tends to set out guidelines and then it’s up to the countries to put the things into place. [Pause] Eart—Midgard is weird.

KO: So you were sent by a figurehead government to negotiate a treaty that I am assured will be almost entirely useless, as we stand to gain nothing from invading you and your world has no capacity for interstellar space travel.

DL: [Sigh] Yeah, basically. But, you know, we’d lend you Iron Man if you guys needed him, and then if we got invaded by aliens again, you might lend us Thor. Can I let you in on a secret?

KO: If you want to.

DL: The UN’s suffering from some terrifically bad PR, and I figured this would help. Also, between you and me, I was in Puente Antiguo, and I saw the fallout from New York, and I am firmly in favor of not letting Thor and Loki and various other Asgardians stomp around Earth like they’re the world’s biggest toddlers and Earth’s their personal wading pool.

KO: [Laugh] Loki is dead.

DL: Yeah, I’m not so sure I believe that. It’s the God of Lies thing, mostly. Also—and I admit this is a personal bias—I sort of stopped trusting Thor right after he said “No, this time it’s for real,” and then abandoned my best friend. For the second time. No offense, but your sons are assholes.

KO: Loki is not my son.

DL: Oh. Right. Um. Anyway, I wrote up a short thing, really basic. Basically, it says that you won’t attack us, we won’t attack you, and if either of us are in danger from an extraterrestrial threat that we can’t handle, we can request aid from each other, supplying up to five…um…warriors. I’m sorry, is there a reason you’re standing this close to me?

KO: I was hoping I might read your proposal and see if I need to make changes to it.

DL: Yes! I can—

KO: You were Dr. Jane Foster’s assistant, weren’t you?

DL: Um. Yeah. A while ago. When I was still an undergrad. How’d you know that?

KO: She dated my b—son. I would be remiss if I hadn’t looked in on her.

DL: Here is the preliminary treaty. I took the liberty of drawing it up. I did try to stress that any action would be completely voluntary.

KO: Yes, of course. And if I were to ask you to dinner, would your acceptance be completely voluntary?

DL: [Chokes] Excuse me?

KO: Simply a question, Dr. Lewis.

DL: I’m not sure I understand the question.

KO: You’re a smart woman.

DL: I’m also one uncomfortable being hit on by a thousand-year-old king.

KO: It’s an invitation to dinner, not a marriage proposal.

DL: I’m not up-to-date with Asgardian culture. Maybe it’s both.

KO: What if I assured you it wasn’t?

DL: I think we both know I shouldn’t trust anyone whose title includes God of Lies.

KO: I think we both know that God of Lies is not my title.

DL: I think we both know that’s not true.

KO: Just what are you trying to imply, Dr. Lewis? I don’t think your superiors would take kindly to you suggesting you had willingly negotiated a treaty with a war criminal, even if it weren’t true.

DL: [Laugh] Well, that would be absurd, wouldn’t it? It would be patently absurd to speculate that an illusionist could impersonate the King of Asgard.

KO: Utterly insane. Now, about dinner?

DL: I’m very sorry, sir. I’m afraid that would be a conflict of interest. You see, I’m mostly here to keep you…[Pause]r son off of our planet.

KO: According to Thor, Loki died a hero.

DL: According to Thor, it’s totally chill to not call a girl for two years. I don’t trust Thor.

KO: Yes, of course. [Pause] This treaty is quite thorough.

DL: What? Oh. Yeah. I worked on it for kind of a while and got it proofread by three coworkers.

KO: If I may add one clause?

DL: That depends on the clause.

KO: “Asgard may offer gestures and visits of goodwill to the people of Midgard, particularly to atone for damage caused by Asgardians, dependent on approval from the United Nations and the country wherein these damages occurred.”

DL: [Choke] What?

KO: This treaty would effectively impose governmental sanctions on travel between the worlds, would it not?

DL: Yes…

KO: I simply wish to make sure that Asgard and Midgard can continue to cooperate, especially when our visits have been so…destructive.

DL: [Whisper] You would know.

KO: I’m sorry?

DL: Nothing. I had something caught in my throat.

KO: Of course. Anyway, do you approve the clause?

DL: Yes, I do. If you add it at the bottom, we can both sign, and I can get out of your hair.

KO: And if I don’t want you…out of my hair?

DL: There are better ways to woo a woman than to slow down her work.

KO: Wooing? This is just dinner.

DL: Right. I keep forgetting.

KO: Yes, you do.

DL: Just like you keep forgetting I said I didn’t want to have dinner with you.

KO: And why is that?

DL: I have another job, one that doesn’t involve forming intergalactic treaties. I simply don’t have the time.

KO: I am the King. I could make time.

DL: America is not a monarchy. I don’t believe you could. [Pause] Besides, I doubt dinner will be particularly enjoyable if I spend the whole night trying to be elsewhere.

KO: [Laugh] Do you always get your way?

DL: Usually.

KO: Another time, then. Here are your papers. And, Dr. Lewis…?

DL: Yes?

KO: If you ever find time in your undoubtedly busy schedule, do consider giving me a call. I’m sure you have many ideas on how to improve the Asgardian political structure.

DL: I will, though I doubt the night will be as enjoyable as you think it will be. Goodbye.

END OF TRANSMISSION

Chapter Text

Jane Foster
Today, 8:02 AM

Can I tell you one of those things that’s kind of an issue of international security
And then kind of on-par for the Darcy Lewis dating experience

Well, now I’m worried.
What happened in Asgard?

So first thing is that your ex’s bro is totes alive
And he might be in charge
Oh and he was hardcore flirting w me

Jane Foster is typing…

Are you sure?

Yeah he asked me to dinner like four times

I meant the other bit

Well no
If I had asked and it was confirmed I would have been in deep shit
We both sort of just hinted at all of it

Well, fuck.
You didn’t sleep with him, did you?

FUCK NO
Jane I said no to dinner
I don’t go there with anyone who has “super” in their title

Good.

The New York Times

King Announces Asgard Funded Rebuilding of New York

New York—What has long been guessed has now been confirmed. Yesterday, King Odin of the alien planet Asgard announced that Asgard anonymously contributed $11 billion US dollars to the rebuilding of New York City, which had been devastated by the Chitauri invasion in 2012.

In his statement, King Odin said, “Long has Asgard separated itself from Midgard. However, as of late, there has been significantly more mixing of cultures than in centuries previous. Because of Loki’s involvement, it was our duty to help fund the recovery of New York. In addition, because of the attention the Chitauri invasion drew from other alien planets, we have signed a pact of friendship with the people of Midgard, organized by the United Nations. I encourage every nation to ratify this document, so that we may continue to cooperate for centuries to come.”

Jane Foster
11:21 AM

Did he announce the rebuilding thing to try and impress you or something?

God I hope not
But tbh I would not put it past him
What is my life

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: The Treaty

How much of Odin’s speech did you know about in advance?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: The Treaty

None of it? I didn’t even know they helped fix New York.

As far as breaking the news of the treaty goes though, it was pretty masterful. Now we have the gods in our pocket and all that nice goodwill set up. He did say he wanted to continue giving us money for Asgardian fuckups.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: The Treaty

I agree. Now it’ll be much easier for you to convince other countries to sign the treaty.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: The Treaty

What do you mean, “you”? My contract is done. I’m going home.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: The Treaty

A lot of them won’t sign it unless you present it again. You know I’m right. If you don’t step up, all your hard work is wasted.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Treaty

Listen to me. I will present this once, at the next UN meeting. After this, I am done. I am going back to Culver, and I am going to prepare for the next semester—which starts in a month—so I don’t get fired. Do you understand?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Treaty

You'll do that too, but eighteen separate nations have requested you personally present the treaty.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Treaty

The treaty is two pages long and can be summed up in a sentence. I could tweet the main points. What reason could I possibly have to be here?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Treaty

The reason is they want you there and they won’t sign otherwise.

Come on. Take the job full-time.

Mom
1:15 PM

Should I take the job?

Which job?

The job at the UN

Well, give me the pros and cons

Well, I wouldn’t have to teach and they would pay me a hell of a lot of money
And I could fix the whole thing and make it all run pretty

Those seem like good pros. What’re the cons?

I don’t know. I just feel like the second I take this job my neutrality goes out the window
Now it’s not that I support the Accords on their own merit, it’s that I’m being paid to like them
Also Secretary Ross is a poophead and I don’t always like what he does

Well, what do you think you should do?

Ask my mommy to handle it like the big girl I am

Honey, I couldn’t pick your college ten years ago and I can’t pick your job now.

I hate it when you’re reasonable and logical

Yeah, it really sucks when your mom decides to be an adult
Let me know what you decide.

Thanks, Mom. I will

Love you

Darcy Lewis <d-lewis@cul ver.edu>

Subj: A Year’s Sabbatical

Henry,

I know you hate me because I took a month off to work for the UN. Unfortunately, I was just made a yearlong consultant with the UN, and as such will not be returning to teach this school year.

You don’t have the balls to fire me, especially when I’m bringing exposure and good alumni status to Culver, so let’s cut the crap and move to the point where I stay away for a year, and you punish me next year by making me teach 3 intro classes and forcing me to use Bridget as the TA for all of them.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Treaty

I’ll do it. For a year. With room to extend afterwards, depending on how we both feel about it.

And I still want to be called an independent consultant.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Treaty

Welcome to the team, Dr. Lewis.

Chapter Text

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Subj: Darcy Lewis

She’s sticking around as a consultant for a year now. I need to reevaluate the situation. Are you sure Darcy Lewis was in New Mexico? All of the SHIELD files on that incident were totally destroyed.

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Darcy Lewis

95%. She was short, brunette, and mouthy. I think Phil stole her iPod. I don’t know how she ended up as a UN consultant, but I don’t like it.

Laura knows a couple people at Culver, so I’m going to see what I can dig up on this end. I’ll let you know if I can find anything.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

She doesn’t have a file. I even combed through HYDRA records. She was so unimportant that Zola’s algorithm didn’t flag her. She was present at a potential world-ending event and she didn’t raise any eyebrows?

I don’t like this. I think she could be HYDRA.

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

Laura’s friend Betty says that Lewis interned for and became friends with Foster in New Mexico, then followed her to London as a grad student. She also said that Lewis was always sweet to the staff but disliked teaching intro/weed-out classes, whatever that means. She hates her incompetent TA Bridget, Thor, and any secret, shadowy, or opaque government agency.

We should reach out to Steve and see if he recognizes her name from HYDRA.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Subj: Darcy Lewis

When you were chasing down HYDRA, did you ever come across the name “Darcy Lewis” on any list? There’s something very weird about her.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Darcy Lewis

Uh, no. We never came across that name. Isn’t she Ross’s consultant? I thought she was out.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

Apparently, she’s staying for a year now. I don’t like this.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

I’ll ask everyone here if they’ve ever heard of her, but I doubt it.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

I’ll do some reconnaissance on my end, too.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Subj: Coffee?

Hi Darcy,

I know we haven’t had much of a chance to get to know each other, and since there aren’t many women in the office, we should stick together. Would you want to grab coffee together sometime tomorrow? There’s a great place just around the corner from the office.

Let me know,

Nat

Jane Foster
Today, 12:22 PM

She is absolutely going to kill me
I’m so about to die
My will is in my apartment in the folder labelled “When I get a cat”
It leaves everything to a cat. So get a cat. And then give everything I own to it.

You’re not making any sense
What’s going on?

Natasha Romanoff invited me to get coffee
And this is how I die.

Paper folder or computer folder?

Paper

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Coffee?

Hi Natasha,

I’d love to get coffee with you! Does 2:30 tomorrow work?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Coffee?

Great! I’m looking forward to it.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: The Consultant

Even if she might be HYDRA, she’s still pretty hot.

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Re: Re: The Consultant

That is very much beside the point. Besides, I have a girlfriend.

Look, it’s just a rumor I heard Hank and Hope talking about. I wanted to see if it was real.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: The Consultant

Yeah, Steve was talking about it, too. Guess it’s going around all the Avengers circles.

Have you decided if you’re going to join her puppet Avengers when your suspension is lifted?

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: The Consultant

Not yet. Hope’s flirting with the idea, though. She thinks that the consultant has good ideas, even if she does turn out to be evil. Also, the consultant is wooing her like crazy, except instead of sending wine and chocolates, she’s been sending big contracts that say things like “Pym and his heirs will have the sole rights to the Pym Particle technology, unless they so choose to part with it” and “No actions shall be undertaken without the consent of the country in question, the Avengers in question, and the approval of an anonymous, unbiased political theorist.” Honestly, it’s kind of hot.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Consultant

Do you actually think she’s HYDRA?

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Consultant

No effing clue. Either she’s not because she’s actively spurning power, or she is because she’s also trying to shut down the Avengers. At least, that’s what Hope says.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Consultant

Well, having a female villain makes a nice change, at least. I don’t think any of us have had that yet.

And also, she’s really hot.

Jane Foster
Today, 3:31 PM

Are you dead?

No
It was surprisingly…pleasant
Do you think she poisoned my coffee?

I wouldn’t rule it out
What happened?

I don’t know. We chatted
About those years I was your intern, about my plans for the department
She offered to take me on a cupcake tour of Berlin

Did you accept?

It was cupcakes. Of course I did

Who knows? At least she didn’t kill you
Yet

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

She’s either the best liar I’ve ever seen, or she really is exactly what she says she is.

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

What does she say she is?

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

A college professor who hates that she’s working for Ross, but also loves that she can actually reshape the system. She doesn’t particularly like the control the US has over the whole process, but she can now stonewall them doing any sort of pro-US action instead of pro-world. She also likes that they’re paying her a lot. I get the sense she really didn’t enjoy teaching at Culver.

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

Do you really think Ross would hire an incorruptible consultant? It’s not really his MO.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

Whatever it is, it’s been working. The Accords’ approval rating is higher than it’s been in months.

Chapter Text

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Your First Assignment

Wakanda wants to talk about the treaty. We’re sending you there tomorrow.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Your First Assignment

Wow, thanks for all the warning. Why do I have to go again? I show up, tell them that it’s basically a mutual “we won’t mess with you but if you ask we’ll mess with your enemies” agreement, and that’s it?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Your First Assignment

Welcome to the glamorous world of politics.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Your First Assignment

I hate politics

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Video Recording: July 21^st, 2016: Basement Hallway:

King T’Challa runs down the hall, followed by the King’s Sister Shuri, two members of the Dora Milaje, and the UN Consultant Darcy Lewis. Glancing behind him, the King ushers the UN Consultant and his Sister into a room. He runs back down the way he came. The two members of the Dora Milaje stay, guarding the door.

Jane Foster
Today, 10:03 PM

Oh my god I am going to die
Holy shit fuck I am actually literally about to die

Your time zones are throwing me off
Are you going cupcake tasting with Natasha today?

No I’m in Wakanda
People are attacking the palace right now
Like, they might break in at any moment and then I am incredibly fucked
what do I do

Are you okay? Where are you?

I’m in some basement med room of the palace
He shoved us in here, then ran off to fight crime
And somehow managed to slip me his number at the same time, which was weird
Like, I would call in the Avengers and stuff but this has not been approved by T’Challa

Should you even be texting right now?

Probably not but Shuri hasn’t said anything yet
HOLY FUCK
That was a giant bomb blast

You need to get out of there now
I don’t care if he hasn’t okayed the Avengers
If you don’t call them in, I will. And my way will be messier

No, it’ll be fine
We already have one Avenger here already
Don’t call them in

Darcy.

Jane, it’s fine.
Please remember how pissed you were when I called the cops in London

That was different!

You had disappeared for six hours!
You know where I am, and you know I’m fine

A bomb just went off!

It didn’t hit me!

You stop texting me and I call them, ok?

Fine
How have you been?

Fine, I guess.
Other than my best friend being attacked
New Intern Grace might be awful, but it turns out she was a math major in college
She can check my equations, which is nice

Oh my god
Oh my god oh my god oh my god

What??

You know those things that I shouldn’t actually discuss because it’s an international incident
For example, my visit with Odin

Yes

Darcy Lewis has sent a picture

Jane Foster is typing…

Oh my god
Is that actually Bucky Barnes?

I think so???
What the fuck do I do???

You have to tell someone!

If I tell Ross, he’ll bomb the fuck out of Wakanda
Probably
Most of the US would be like “yeah fuck that guy he killed JFK”
of course, there are always the ones who are like “fuck that he’s hot”
But either way T’Challa is harboring a Soviet war criminal
And now I’m complicit
Fuck me in the ass with a fucking chainsaw

 You could tell the Avengers?

I’m pretty sure they already know!
Natasha definitely knows, that woman is sneaky
Oh god, if someone hacks my phone I could go to prison
I should go to prison at this point
How many supernatural beings or superheroes have to hit on you before you have to go to prison

Four
Delete this conversation
Delete the picture
You can get through this
Besides, I’ve seen your phone encryptions. Nobody is getting through them

Thanks Jane
Omigod Falcon is here I gotta go
Text you later

Darcy!

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Subj: The Consultant

She’s even hotter in person

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: The Consultant

Your objectification of women astounds me.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: The Consultant

In my defense, I meant to send that to Scott.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: The Consultant

Why would that be better?

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Subj: Update

Can confirm: very hot

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Re: Update

How the hell did you meet her? You’re a criminal.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Update

T’Challa met with her yesterday to discuss that treaty thing, and their meeting was interrupted by those insurgents he’s been worried about. I was put in charge of removing both her and Barnes from the situation. And even when she was threatening me with a hearing before the UN, she was really really hot.

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Update

That’s sort of creepy.

Was she actually into you, or just threatening you?

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Update

Too soon to tell.

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Update

That means no.

Chapter Text

Give me back my cell phone.

No. No. The literal second I get back to Berlin, I’m adding charges of kidnapping, attempted coercion, and attempted bribery to your list of charges, Captain.

It was not a rescue. I was not in any particular distress.

No, Captain, I will not “talk to you like a real person.” This is because I am very, very upset and hungry right now, and I would rather not say something I regret. Furthermore, I would like a record of this conversation to show my boss and since I doubt you’d let me have the tape from that camera, I am doing what I can.

Even if you had any political authority—which you do not, sir, propaganda figures shouldn’t—I would still have the right to remain silent. Please see the section in the Constitution labelled “Amendment 5,” as well as the Supreme Court case Miranda v. Arizona.

Captain Rogers. The only reason I have not attempted to drive this (admittedly dull) pen into your eye is because I happen to know that I am currently stuck in bumblefuck, Kenya, and I need some chance of finding a way home. Without my cell phone, you are my only option.

That being said, I’m not cooperating with you to get home. I have both standards and professional pride, Captain, something I am sure you are unfamiliar with.

All I’m saying is I’m not the one throwing an international bitchfit because I can’t throw my shield at whoever I want anymore. For someone who’s a) so concerned with protecting “American values” and b) gets these values from 193-something, you really missed the isolationism message that pervades literally all of US history until the Cold War.

Would you like a list? I didn’t major in history, but I’ll try my best: the French Revolution, the Napoleonic wars, pre-WWI, pre-WWII, every single time we didn’t want land, oil, or people to know that our dicks were bigger than theirs.

Literally all of our history features a dick-measuring contest, are you for real?

Pearl Harbor. Quasi-war w/ France. Our entrance into WWI. War of 1812. The literal entirety of the Cold War, including (of course) Korea and Vietnam. Did you not ever take a history class?

Okay, a) everything I listed except the Cold War happened before or during your pre-plane crash lifetime. And b) if you didn’t read up on the Cold War, that’s your own damn fault. It was kind of a big deal in US/international politics. And you wonder why I don’t trust you to make your own decisions regarding invading a random country and wreaking patriotic havoc.

Fine. Let’s say you hear there’s a hostage situation in the Chinese embassy in, I don’t know, Lithuania. You rush in, metaphorical guns blazing and in trying to “rescue” everyone, 5 people die and the building is half-destroyed. Now the US is in a sticky situation because the literal human embodiment of their flag just punched his way into the embassy of a country with which we already have terribly tricky relations on account of we also have a strong relationship with Taiwan, which China considers to be its property and which Taiwan considers to be “real China”, but they’re also one of our biggest trade partners, oh and by the way we also bombed their embassy in Yugoslavia by accident in 2000 so any talk of embassies is pretty damn controversial already. Now Russia’s getting pissed at us because we’re in their neck of the woods—Lithuania used to be part of the Soviet Union, so there’s a nice strong bond there, what’s to stop Russia from pulling a Ukraine—and we haven’t gotten to the part about how it makes Lithuania look extra-stupid because they needed the big bad US’s help, even though they actually have a decently strong and stable government and military, not to mention we’re both part of NATO and invading Eastern Europe has literally never helped anyone ever. So let me ask you this, Captain, did you consider any of this before you went in and threw your fucking shield around?

No, don’t you get it? It doesn’t matter how many people you save. You don’t know that Lithuania couldn’t have saved them, and more importantly, you don’t know if by invading—and yes, it is an invasion—Lithuania, you don’t start a war that will cost hundreds of people their lives, or if this will lead to a trade war that costs thousands of people their livelihoods, or if you’ve just set off a worldwide economic catastrophe!

Of course I think about this! That’s my job!! And I work with a whole bunch of political theorists, ambassadors, and economists to make sure that things like this don’t happen!

Let’s consider another scenario. Would you have gone to Wakanda yesterday if T’Challa hadn’t asked you for help?

WHY SHOULD ANY OTHER COUNTRY BE DIFFERENT?

You know what, no. If you don’t want to listen to me, you may absolutely continue to punch your way through all of life’s problems. But I’m done trying to make you see reason. Please drop me off at the nearest airport so I might be able to get home.

Jane Foster
Today, 1:10 PM

Good news, I’m fine
Bad news, I’m totally broke and in Nairobi
Decently good news: you were totally right about that case that charges my phone, this shit is awesome

Thank God.
Do you need me to call the UN?

No, I already called them
I’m chilling at the US embassy for like two days while they get me a temporary passport.
It’s like a mini vacation lol
Except I have no money to buy things
So it’s exactly like a real vacation

Good for you
You’re still going to Ian’s wedding next weekend, right?

Barring any kidnappings by cranky ex-Avengers, yes
It might because I’m pissed at Cap, but I’m inclined to inform the UN about the whole Barnes thing

Do it
At the very least, he needs to be tried.

I love it when we’re on the same page.

T’Challa
Today, 1:22 PM

Hi, this is Darcy Lewis from the UN
Is there any way you can have my suitcase shipped back to Berlin?

Dr. Lewis, allow me to express my deepest apologies about what happened two days ago. I will, of course, send your suitcase to Berlin immediately. I would also be grateful if you might allow me to escort you back to Berlin myself.

There’s really no need for that, though I’m touched by your generosity.

Please, I insist. I feel responsible for having stranded you in Kenya.

How did you know I was in Kenya?

Steven Rogers informed me. I can be there in under two hours, and you can be back in Berlin before nightfall. Please allow me to assist you.

I again thank you for offering, but I don’t require any assistance other than in getting my suitcase to Berlin.

Jane Foster
Today, 4:19 PM

I hate all superheroes.

What happened?

Darcy Lewis sent a picture.

Okay, so first this conversation happened.
And then five minutes ago he showed up on the doorstep of the embassy holding my goddamned suitcase
I can’t Jane. I literally can’t.

Oh my god.
What did you say?

Mostly, I just sort of stuttered at him
And then he asked if he could show me the city
Help

Are you going to do it?

I have a no superheroes dating rule!
But he’s waiting downstairs while I pretend to pee
I think I have to do it

There’s always the “fake boyfriend at home” trick
I used that one a lot in New Mexico

I think he can smell lies!

Then tell him about your policy!
Either way, get out there. You’ve been in the bathroom too long.

Oh god
I hate everything

Chapter Text

Jane Foster
Today, 2:13 AM

You need to see this.

Jane Foster has shared a link.

Today, 6:41 AM

Oh my god.
I am going to get fired.

National Enquirer

King of Wakanda Spotted Canoodling with Hot Brunette—WHO IS SHE?

               Hold onto your hats people—the notoriously reclusive king of Wakanda has been spotted in Nairobi, and he’s not alone! Who is the adorably leggy and travel-stained brunette traveling with him?

               A source close to the king tells us that her name is Darcy Lewis, a professor of political science at the prestigious Culver University, and she certainly seems to be taking a leaf out of Monica Lewinsky’s book! After all, why settle for political theory when you can get up close and personal to the real issues?

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Subj: Lol

Looks like your girl is taken. Sucks.

See attachment

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Lol

Fuck you, Lang.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Subj: Article

Honestly, if this was her master plan the whole time, I’m disappointed.

See attachment

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Article

She could do worse. As it stands, it’s very The Prince and Me.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Article

Is Laura torturing you with chick flicks again?

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Article

The CIA made a grave mistake when they let her retire.

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Your Misconduct in Nairobi

Dr. Lewis:

We expect the utmost dignity from all of our consultants, as well as sense of discretion and professionalism. Your conduct in Nairobi was unbecoming of a member of this team. You may consider this an official warning. Please note that any other infractions will result in immediate termination.

Secretary Ross

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Your Misconduct in Nairobi

Secretary Ross:

I didn’t flirt with him. Because I was kidnapped from his palace due to a combination of insurgents and rogue Avengers, I reached out to see if he would send my suitcase to Berlin. I did not expect him to show up at the embassy. I did not expect him to offer to show me around Nairobi, an offer I took him up on so that we might continue our conversation regarding the Asgard Treaty. I definitely did not expect him to try and kiss me. I did not kiss him, and in fact shut him down immediately. My professionalism has never been called into account.

In addition, please show me the section of the contract I signed regarding personal relationships, so that I might review it.

Dr. Lewis

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Ian Boothby
Today, 10:13 AM

Lol you’re a trending topic on Facebook
What does “adorably travel-stained” mean

               No effing clue
I’m tempted to sue them for libel

You don’t have the money
Make your new sugar daddy do it

He’s not my sugar daddy!
Nothing happened!

I know you didn’t sign for a plus-one at the wedding this weekend, but we do make exceptions for royalty. It’s the Brit in us

I swear to god, I’m going to punch you in the nuts when I next see you

Maybe let the superhero boy toy do it. It’d hurt more.

T’Challa
Today, 10:42 AM

I am deeply sorry for the trouble I have caused you. I did not know that we were being photographed, but rest assured I will take care of this. I have written to Secretary Ross to inform him that our excursion was entirely innocent, and I will order the newspaper to print a retraction.

Thank you, and I’m sorry as well for the exposure I’ve caused you and your country.

Perhaps I could make it up to you by taking you to a more secluded location on a proper date?

I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression in Kenya, but I don’t date people with whom I work, much less superheroes. It becomes entirely too complicated too quickly, and I have no desire to end up a hostage.

I understand your concerns, and I’m sorry to hear that. I think you are a beautiful, confident, and capable woman. If you ever amend your policy, please give me a call.

I will. You are an incredibly charming man, T’Challa. Best of luck in the future.

Chapter Text

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Presentation in Iceland

Secretary Ross:

I know you’re still pissed at me because the tabloids reported I went on a date with T’Challa and that I couldn’t bring Cap in by myself, but I can’t go to Iceland this weekend. One of my best friends is getting married. I requested this day off weeks ago.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Presentation in Iceland

What’s more important to you—the peace and safety of the world, or your friend’s wedding? This isn’t personal.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Presentation in Iceland

It’s Iceland! They don’t even have an army! What are they going to do, unleash a volcano on us?

Nothing happened between me and T’Challa. I turned him down. I can show you every conversation we’ve had, if you like.

See attachments

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Ian Boothby
Today, 2:31 PM

I don’t think I can make your wedding

What? Why not?

Secretary Ross is now pissed as fuck because of the whole National Enquirer thing and since I didn’t actually break any rules, he’s punishing me like this

Tell him you have to be there! You’re the only one of my friends who my mother actually tolerates!

Wait I have an idea.
Is Maggie’s cousin Sharon gonna be there?

I’ll double-check the guest list
But why the fuck does Sharon matter?

Because while I was being held by the Avengers, I heard Falcon make a lewd joke about Cap fucking all the Carters
And Peggy Carter only has about four female relatives that are of the right age
I doubt he’s fucking Maggie, Carolyn’s been researching in Botswana for the last six years, and Lauren’s both gay and married

What do you mean, being held by the Avengers??

I sort of got kidnapped/rescued. It’s a long story.

But why would Sharon being there help you

Covert interrogation

You are literally the least subtle person I know

Yeah but Ross doesn’t know that

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation in Iceland

I don’t care how useless you think these meetings are, your job is to attend them and get them to sign your treaty.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation in Iceland

Okay but hear me out: Sharon Carter will be at the wedding, and she’s a known associate of Captain America. I could subtly interrogate her and gain valuable intel about where the rogue Avengers are.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation in Iceland

Your services are required in Iceland. Sharon Carter is a proven member of our intelligence forces, and you are not. Perhaps give thought to your own role in this organization before you attack others.

Ian Boothby
Today, 5:26 PM

Secretary Ross is a dipshitty fuckface

He said no?

He said no.
“Sharon Carter is a proven member of our intelligence forces, and you are not.”
Hence, dipshitty fuckface
Fucker won’t even reimburse my ticket, I bet

Should I start leaking vicious rumors about him to the press?
I’ve got a cousin who works at the Daily Mail

You’re the best, Ian

Jane Foster
Today, 8:02 PM

I can reach out to Betty if you want
She’s probably the only one who could talk sense into him

No, it’s fine.
Well, it’s shitty.
But it’s fine.
I’ve always wanted to see Iceland

OUTBOUND: FRANKFURT—REYKJAVIK                                                                                                   ICELANDAIR
2:15 PM                                                                                                                                               Saga Class Seat 3A

HAVE A NICE FLIGHT!

Chapter Text

Jane Foster
Today, 4:11 PM

You will not guess who I am seated next to

Who??
Also, fuck Ross. This meeting lasted 20 minutes, and I said four words.

Jane Foster sent a picture

Are you fucking kidding me.
She brought him???
Unquestionable loyalty my ass
Side note: did he really think going brunette and growing a beard would make him unrecognizable?

Should I confront him?
I’m going to confront him.

Jane! Don’t do it! No!

Ian Boothby
Today, 4:15 PM

How drunk is Jane right now?

Moderate to severe.
Don’t text me, I’m at my wedding.

Don’t respond, then.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Subj: Jane Foster

Did you know that Jane Foster’s former intern was getting married to Sharon’s cousin Margaret?

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Jane Foster

Darcy Lewis? No, she never mentioned any significant other. Good for her, though. Sam will be devastated.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Jane Foster

No, this one is named Ian. Lewis was also supposed to show up, apparently, but she had work. A tipsy Jane Foster spent two hours ranting at me about how her missing the wedding was all my fault, how superheroes were all terrible people and how I should just allow government regulation and didn’t I ever read The Jungle? Apparently, The Jungle is very important.

And what do you mean, Sam will be devastated?

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Jane Foster

I couldn’t tell you how The Jungle relates to anything, but I can ask Lewis about Ian. We’re supposed to go on a cupcake tour together soon.

Sam thinks Darcy is really hot. You didn’t know this?

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Subj: The Jungle

Do you know what The Jungle has to do with government regulation?

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: The Jungle

https://lmgtfy.com/?q=the+jungle+government+regulations

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Subj: Honestly

Stop hitting on the UN consultant. She’s trying to put you in prison.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Honestly

Who said I was hitting on the UN consultant?!

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Honestly

Natasha told me.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Honestly

Fuck.

Chapter Text

The New York Times

BREAKING—AVENGERS CALLED IN TO DEAL WITH TERRORIST THREATS IN AMSTERDAM

Buzzfeed News

Captain America Spotted in Amsterdam Bringing Down Dutch Terrorist Group

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Dutch Failure

This is a disaster.

See attached link.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Dutch Failure

It’s not too late. Buzzfeed’s always been Team Cap—it’s the abs—so if we can just get in front of the story, thank Cap for the assist, say we don’t approve of his actions, blah blah blah. I have an idea.

Got any action shots of Iron Man doing fun things, with maybe Cap in the background?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Dutch Failure

I hope you know what you’re doing.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: A Quick Favor

Hi Christine,

This is Darcy Lewis, we went to high school together. I was three years behind you. I’m actually working at the UN right now, and I was hoping we might be able to work together. I know WHiH World News tends to take the same hardline approach the UN does with regard to Captain America and his so-called “Secret Avengers” and I think you’re the perfect person to help us break the story.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Christine Everhart <[email protected]>

Re: A Quick Favor

Yeah, I remember you. You ran that fucking underground website that almost got me expelled for cheating when you confused me and Chrissy Evans.

I don’t want to work with you ever. Kindly never contact me again.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: A Quick Favor

Either you help me out, or I release the October 26, 2001 Memorial High School Halftime Cheer Routine video on YouTube. You know, the one where you got massive diarrhea the second Ethan Edwards threw you up into a liberty, and you shat directly onto his face?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Christine Everhart <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: A Quick Favor

That’s blackmail.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: A Quick Favor

Yes, it is. What’s it gonna be, Evershart?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Christine Everhart <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A Quick Favor

Fine.

WHiH World News

Captain America Assists Iron Man, Avengers in Bringing Down Terrorist Group

By Christine Everhart

               Yesterday, the UN confirmed what we had already learned through Twitter pictures: Captain America and Iron Man were both involved in bringing down the Dutch terrorist group Serpent. They also released pictures showing that, despite earlier reports of the opposite, Captain America was not instrumental in bringing down the group.

               As Cap was tackling a few low-level goons, Iron Man was evacuating dozens of hostages and bystanders. Black Widow was infiltrating the top levels of the cell and was able to take the leader of the group, Klaus Voorhees, into custody for trial.

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Subj: Christine Everhart

I can’t believe you made me do an interview with Christine Everhart. I hate that bitch.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Christine Everhart

Same, but she’s the only remotely famous journalist I could blackmail on short notice.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Christine Everhart

Well, I could have helped you there. I’ve got at least six that I don’t even have to threaten anymore.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Christine Everhart

It was a rush blackmail job. Next time, I’ll be sure to reach out to you first.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Christine Everhart

See that you do.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Subj: WHiH Article

She got the press on her side. I’m almost impressed.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: WHiH Article

At least you got mentioned. Everhart wrote me out entirely.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: WHiH Article

This wasn’t Everhart. This was Lewis.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: WHiH Article

Come on, man, you’re paranoid. Not everything is Darcy’s fault. Relax.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: WHiH Article

No, this was her. It sounds like her. She’s not your friend, Sam. She doesn’t even like you.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: WHiH Article

You met her once; how do you know what she sounds like? Also, she totally likes me. Everyone likes me.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: WHiH Article

Oh, maybe I misunderstood when she called you “a godforsaken idiot of the highest order.” I’m sure “If I have to interact with you again, please make sure that I have a large supply of PCP on hand, because I’m going to need to be either high or dead to make it through” was flirting as well.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: WHiH Article

Oh, that’s how it is?

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: WHiH Article

That’s how it is.

Chapter Text

Jane Foster
Today, 10:51 PM

Should I download tinder

No.
What’s going on?

It’s 11 PM on a Tuesday
I’m drinking alone in my apartment
And cry-watching Bridget Jones’s Diary

Why?

Ugh, I’m homesick and sad
Also, I am out of food
And work kind of sucks now that Ross hates me

Okay, stop watching BJD. You know you get too emotional where Colin Firth is involved.
Order a pizza and a plane ticket. Tell Ross to shove it, and come visit me. I’m in Finland.

Weekend vacay in Helsinki??

I’m closer to Tromso, actually.
Fly into Ivalo

What part of “I am never going back to Tromso I got food poisoning from undercooked reindeer and in addition was forced to eat fish cured in goddamn poison” did you miss?
You’re allowed to pick between Oslo, Helsinki, Stockholm, and Copenhagen

Fine. Stockholm, then. It’s the biggest city.

Omg I just bought my plane ticket
Should we invite Ian

This is a girls trip. I need a pedicure, a massage, and a very large drink.

Good idea. I’m so in.

Jane Foster
Today, 5:15 PM

We can’t eat at the Gastabud

Why not?
They have such a good rating on TripAdvisor!

Darcy Lewis sent a picture.

Oh, goddammit.

Why are they even in Sweden?? This is a country that extradites!

No. I’m starving and we have a table. I’m not being chased away.
I’ll be there in five minutes.

Jane, please for the love of God do not make a scene.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: Captain America Sighting

Ross,

I ran into Steven Rogers, Sam Wilson, and Wanda Maximoff in a gastropub in Stockholm. Seeing as my role in the organization is merely in an advisory capacity dealing with international relations and our public image (now rather high since Everhart’s article), I did not engage. Speaking in this capacity, however, I do not think it is wise to engage on Swedish soil, as they are a peaceful country and have not invited us into their country. To engage here would violate many principles of national sovereignty and generate terrible press.

Have a good day.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Ian Boothby
Today, 8:53 PM

She made a scene.
A scene so big, I’m not sure I can go back to any part of Scandinavia

What happened??

So first she got drunk on most of a bottle of crappy champagne
Then she started throwing bits of meatball at the back of Steve’s head
Then when he finally turned around, she started shouting at him to “stop fucking stalking me can I have some goddamn peace”
AND THEN she started crying about how can’t any of you people leave me alone you’re just like Thor
And this whole fucking time I’m just fucking staring at Wanda Maximoff like can you please for the love of God get me out of here you creepy devil woman

How did they respond

Well, Wanda was very amused by the whole situation
I don’t know what the fuck was up with Wilson but I swear to God he might be crazy
And Steve and I probably had matching facial expressions
Jane was literally crying so hard

Please tell me you took pictures.

I was too busy trying to figure out if the butter knife was sharp enough for hara-kiri

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Captain America Sighting

Define “did not engage.”

See attached video.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Captain America Sighting

As you can see in the video, I was very clearly trying to avoid all engagement, however Dr. Jane Foster is a very willful and obnoxious drunk. In order to avoid even more of a scene, I decided not to attempt to drag her bodily away from the situation. Though she doesn’t look it, she knows Krav Maga.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Subj: Darcy Lewis

Why the hell was Ross’s consultant in Stockholm?

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Darcy Lewis

I think the better question is “why are you in Stockholm?” You know that they have both internet and extradition, right?

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

It’s a big city and we thought we could fly under the radar. Besides, there’s a specialist there—Dr. Eklund—who studies brain trauma and brainwashing. We wanted to meet with her.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

Could she help?

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

Surprisingly, yes. Apparently, we rescued her Finnish mother from the Nazis in ’44, so she’s inclined to like us. She’s got a couple of treatments that show a lot of promise.

I think it’s time, Nat. We’re finally bringing him out.

Chapter Text

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Captain America Sighting

Why do you think Captain America was in Sweden?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Captain America Sighting

Good meatballs? Pretty scenery? Big ABBA fan?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Captain America Sighting

Ha ha. I need you to figure out where he went, and why.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Captain America Sighting

That’s not my job.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Captain America Sighting

If you would like to continue having one, it is.

Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you two seem to keep popping up in the same locations.

Jane Foster
Today, 11:22 AM

So now either I find out why the fuck Cap and Co decided to visit the great white north or I get fired

Can you get fired? You have a contract.

“Can be terminated at any time by either party for any reason”
My idea, unfortunately

Why would you include this?

Because I really didn’t think I’d like this job
I mean, I still don’t, but I refuse to get fired

Well, have you considered that he’s a huge ABBA fan?

Ross didn’t buy it.
What the hell else can you do in Sweden?

Beats the hell out of me. Maybe they’re trying to contact Asgard or something?
You should ask Selvig. Seeing as he’s actually Swedish, he’s probably a better person to ask.

Erik Selvig
Today, 11:42 AM

Why would Captain America be in Stockholm?

The ABBA museum is pretty nice.

Okay, I don’t think it was the ABBA museum.
I don’t think it was a tourist trip at all
Anything else?

Where did you find them?

Some gastropub on the tiny island thingy in what I think was the middle of the city?

Your knowledge of geography astounds me.
I can’t imagine why he would go to Sweden, not since the Bifrost works wherever.

There isn’t any, like, superpowerful Viking weapon I should know about is there?

I can’t really imagine a Swedish supervillain. It doesn’t match the “top ten happiest nation” thing.
Have you tried reaching out to the universities? They know more about Norse legends than I ever will.

No, but that’s a good idea
Thanks Erik

Richard Schlickeisen <[email protected]>

Subj: Person of Interest

Dr. Lewis,

Regarding the email you sent me: yes. I did run into Captain America yesterday. He was leaving the office of a government researcher, Annika Eklund, while I was getting coffee. She does not believe in phone or email and thus is nearly impossible to reach if you are out of the country.

I hope this helps.

---------------

Richard Schlickeisen,
Professor of Humanities, Stockholm University

Betty Ross
Today, 10:51 PM

You’re basically the only STEM person I talk to who isn’t Jane
Have you ever heard of Annika Eklund?

No. Do you know what area she studies?

Not really sure. Google turns up very little, only that she was up for some STEM-y award.

I’ll ask around and see what we can find.
Is this for your job?

Yeah. Kinda.

Tell Dad I say hi.

Today, 6:01 AM

I found her
She’s a neurologist/psychiatrist who publishes under the name John Carik
Specializes in helping patients recover from massive brain trauma

Oh my god. Oh my god.
He can’t really be that stupid, can he?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Captain America Sighting

He met up with Dr. Annika Eklund, who publishes her research on brain trauma under John Carik. I don’t know why just yet, but I’m going to do some digging and reach out over some old channels to see if I can figure it out.

Betty says hi.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Chapter Text

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: Helsinki Sighting

Hi Natasha,

I know this is super out of the blue, but I have to ask: are you in contact with Captain America? If you are, has he mentioned if he’s trying to, like, fix Barnes’s mind or whatever? Because I feel like someone should tell him that this is a really bad idea. Like, maybe we should invade Russia in December levels of bad idea.

I get that he loves his friend and all, but even ignoring the whole “what if this doesn’t work and we have a Soviet psychopathic killer on the loose” scenario, this is only going to piss of the US to no end. Like, I would love to let this slide, go to trial, and just plead insanity or something—Barnes is still technically registered as a POW, so it’s theoretically doable. But being on the run is absolutely not the right answer. Even countries that don’t like the US will probably still extradite on account of A) the US is terrifying and B) Barnes does not have a lot of friends. Killing people does this.

If Rogers thinks avoiding the big guns is hard now, just wait until he’s paling around with the guy who killed JFK.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

FW: Helsinki Sighting

What do I do, Clint?

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: FW: Helsinki Sighting

Deny it. She doesn’t have any evidence, does she?

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: FW: Helsinki Sighting

But what if she’s right? The second Barnes appears anywhere, everyone in the US is going to lose their minds, especially now that Fox dug up conclusive proof from the HYDRA files that he was the second shooter. They’ll be trying to avoid the full power of the US government, and he’s never been good at evasion.

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: FW: Helsinki Sighting

Then forward him the email and let him decide what to do.

Got plans for Christmas? Laura wants to take the kids to Disneyland, and I need someone to watch my six/children/sanity.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

FW: Helsinki Sighting

She makes some good points, Steve. Consider it?

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Subj: Advice

I hear your job boils down to making people like the Accords and keeping the UN from overstepping their boundaries. Go on, pitch me. What would you do in my situation?

--Steve

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Advice

Okay, three things.

One, how the fuck did you get my email address?

Two, that is a gross oversimplification of my duties. I manage the political, economic, ethical, and social ramifications of all of the Sokovia Task Force’s actions, and I also strive to keep our approval ratings high. I have a Ph.D. in political science; I’m not some social media intern.

And three, I don’t need to pitch you. Here’s a pitch: what you’re doing is illegal. If you keep doing it, you will go to prison. The longer you keep doing it, the more likely you will end up in that secret prison under the ocean or in Gitmo. The more work you make for me, the less likely I will make a case to keep you from the underwater hell-prison or Gitmo. Capisce?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Advice

A mutual friend gave me your email. She said you made some good points.

I’d like to hear them.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Advice

I already tried to make you hear them. It ended with my ass being dropped in Kenya without money or a passport, which then led to me accidentally going on a date with a king and almost tanking my career because of it. So why the fuck would I take time out of my day to repeat myself? You’re not one of my students; you don’t pay me. I have no obligation to you. Go fuck yourself.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: FW: Helsinki Sighting

I reached out to her. She told me to “go fuck myself.”

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: FW: Helsinki Sighting

That’s out-of-character. Why’d she do that?

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: FW: Helsinki Sighting

I don’t know. I asked her to pitch me, and she told me I should turn myself in, because the more work I made for her, the less likely she would argue against my being interred in Gitmo. Then she said that she’d already tried to do this in Kenya, and that she wouldn’t repeat herself.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Helsinki Sighting

Never mind. I see the problem.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Helsinki Sighting

I’m sorry for my friend. Are we still on for cupcakes this weekend?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Helsinki Sighting

Oh, God, yes. I need a good cupcakery. That crappy bakery on the corner is the worst. They can’t even do good Brotchen, which is the easiest of breads.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Advice

Fuck it. You should know that I’m only writing this because I am both tipsy AF and coming off the biggest sugar high known to mankind. I also binge-watched half a season of Scandal, which always makes me want to fix shit. You should consider yourself lucky that you are at the top of my shitlist.

Here’s what you should do. 1) stop keeping your BFFL popsicled in Wakanda. You’re lucky I kept that from Ross, because I could’ve started a goddamn war with that Snapchat. I expect a thank you card. Handwritten. And a fruit basket. 2) surrender said BFFL to the US government. If you don’t want to own up to your lawbreaking shenanigans you can make T’Challa do this part. 3) hire Jennifer Walters to act as his lawyer. Get this tried in the federal courts, btw, if this goes to a military tribunal you guys are so fucked. Actually, hire Jen first. She’s an important part of the whole process.

I know what you’re thinking. “OMG Darcy but my friend is batshit what if people abuse this??” To which I say, “yah you better fuckin hope so, how the fuck else do you expect to get a jury to agree with you??” Jen’s better at things like this, but personally I say you establish your weirdass bro-love on the stand, then triggering the bullshit and getting him to try and kill you.

Oh, and you should take the fuckin pardon. That goes without saying. Otherwise you’re gonna be watching this fucking trial from Mozambique, trying not to get arrested/extradited. 

Delete this email. This gets out, I lose my job. And if I lose my job because you are a dipshitty fuckface, I will murder you with a hammer.

Do not contact me again.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

FW: Re: Re: Re: Re: Advice

I don’t actually know how to respond to this.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: FW: Re: Re: Re: Re: Advice

Based on the hammer comment, my advice is “don’t.”

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: FW: Re: Re: Re: Re: Advice

Ha ha. I meant about the rest of it. Should I take her advice?

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: FW: Re: Re: Re: Re: Advice

I don’t know. I’m not a political scientist. Are you tired of running?

Chapter Text

Buzzfeed News

BREAKING—CAPTAIN AMERICA ACCEPTS UN PARDON

               In a stunning turn of events, the de facto leader of the so-called “Secret Avengers,” Steven (Steve) “Captain America” Rogers has accepted the UN’s pardon for the violation of the Sokovia Accords. Currently in Wakanda, he will return to the United States within the week. He has not announced why he has decided to return to the United States after months on the run.

               Buzzfeed has reached out to the UN’s Accords Office for comment.

               This story is ongoing and will be updated as more information becomes available.

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Captain America Pardon

Do I want to know how you pulled this off?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Captain America Pardon

No.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Jane Foster
10:48 AM

Do you remember when Ant-Man and Hawkeye took my deal and I got paid five grand?

Yes.

Don’t tell them, but Cap was worth 15.

Jesus Christ.
You, Darcy Lewis, are incredibly overpaid.

Yeah, no need to tell me.

Jennifer Walters <[email protected]>

Subj: Case

I have gone through more channels than I really care to admit, but I have received confirmation that Eklund is in Wakanda and treating Barnes. She estimates two weeks before he’s free of everything and ready to turn himself in.

It’s a good thing he already got rid of the arm. Nothing says “commie” like a red star. If he gets a haircut and a shave, I can rebrand him as the poor lost farmboy in no time.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Case

Bucky’s from Brooklyn.

Jennifer Walters <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Case

He won’t be by the end of this trial.

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Subj: Lawyer

Heard you hired Jen Walters to defend you and Bucky. Good luck with that; she’s a real ball-buster.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Lawyer

I don’t know what happened in the last 70 years, but when did lawyers become such terrible people?

Also, how did you know that I hired Walters?

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Lawyer

Lawyers have always been terrible people. Did you want a pushover, or did you want to win?

Laura and Jen are old friends. I think they were sorority sisters. Jen was going to defend me until the UN decided to issue pardons.

Unknown Number
Today, 9:31 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_xFOmYxKYw
When did my brother become “the thunder down under?”

How did you get this number?

I have my ways.
Speaking of, do you have time for dinner next week?

In 2010 they made a movie about Norse gods, and the guy who played Thor was Australian. Natalie Portman played Sif

Thor and Sif aren’t together

And I hope to God you didn’t actually fuck a horse
Things get lost in translation

People think I fucked a horse?

Yeah, you’re Sleipnir’s dad
Have you not Googled yourself?
Why are you watching YouTube videos, anyway?

I have nothing to my name but free WiFi
Also, I did not give birth to an eight-legged horse
My father’s horse has four legs

Did you give birth to it?

No.
How does a male give birth to a horse?

Do I look like I understand Asgardian biology?

Would you like to?

Today, 11:09 PM

I didn’t mean to proposition you.

Bullshit.

I did mean to proposition you.
But you could have said no.

As I recall, I did say no. More than once.

To dinner.

And everything that comes with dinner.
I’m not doing this with you again.
The hell are you doing on Earth anyway?

I’m in hiding.
I wasn’t as subtle as I thought I was.

Shocker.
Why are you texting me about it?
I work at the organization trying to arrest your ass.

Yes, but you bring me down, I bring you down
You knew who I was when you signed the treaty.

Your word against mine.

I have a recording of the conversation.

…I’m still not going to dinner with you.

I hadn’t planned on blackmailing you to enjoy dinner with me.

Yeah. Don’t.
Where are you, anyway?

I was under the impression that you were educated.
Do you not understand the concept of “in hiding?”

You know, I think it was covered at some point in my 20+ years of education
But as we established, I can’t turn you in

Say I don’t trust you

Are you familiar with the concept “mutually-assured destruction?”

No. Should I be?

Does nobody come to this world and study up on our political problems?
Jesus Christ. I should go back to teaching.
I’d blame the youth, but you and Cap are both ancient.

Ha. What has that little shieldbearer done now?

Pissed me off, pissed the UN off, thrown a bitchfit in Berlin so big it destroyed a plane, and spent the last six months or so on the run.

He never seemed particularly bright.

No. But, then again, which Avenger is?
Except maybe Natasha. She tends to be on the right side of everything.

Awfully cynical, Dr. Lewis.

I’m a political scientist, and the world is going to shit.
I don’t have much to give me hope.

And you say that a dictatorship is not the way to go.

If you think starting in Germany is the right way to begin a dictatorship, you will never last.
As fun as it’s been talking to a war criminal, I have to go. Goodnight.

Goodnight, Dr. Lewis.

Jane Foster
Today, 12:31 AM

So your ex’s brother just texted me

How did he get your number?

I’m not sure. I assume Heimdall.

That’s creepy.
Wait, why is he on earth to begin with?

Apparently, he’s in hiding.
We actually talked for a while
And he only hit on me twice

Jane Foster is typing…

Why did you keep talking to him?

I don’t know.
He listened to me bitch. And I have a morbid curiosity about him.

He’s an alien war criminal who, last time you saw him, was impersonating his father.

...Emphasis on morbid.

Chapter Text

CONFIDENTIAL RECORDING
JENNIFER WALTERS: NOTES ON CASE 7244-C
ANY UNAUTHORIZED VIEWERS WILL BE PROSECUTED

JW: Okay, I have contacted your buddy in Waka-Waka—

SR: Wakanda.

JW: Don’t care. I sent him a picture of the haircut, shave, and clothes he is to wear when he turns himself in. Do you think he’s smart enough to follow these instructions?

SR: Yes. But why does what he wears matter? Shouldn’t it be enough to present the facts and let the jurors make the right decision? He’s been brainwashed for seventy years—

JW: Yeah, it’s cute when a toddler still trusts the American public, but haven’t you outgrown that? People are stupid, Rogers, and I am constructing a narrative.

SR: But I think—

JW: No. You pay me to think. Now, I’m leaning towards this: so Wakanda rehabilitated him, blah blah blah, then he felt so guilty about the whole thing that he ran off and turned himself in. Can he sell guilty?

SR: I don’t—

JW: It’s not that hard. Look down, sound choked up, “I-I can’t believe what I did. What they made me do. Did I really kill a president??”

SR: But that’s not true.

JW: Yes, it is. Wakanda rehabilitated him, and he’ll turn himself in. Where’s the lie?

SR: You told him to turn himself in.

JW: So did the US government, the UN, and half the Twittersphere. I just shouted louder than everyone else. So, can he pull off guilty?

SR: Does it matter? You’re going to lie about it anyway.

JW: You know, I am doing this case as a favor to you. I could get anyone to pay me a small fortune for my time. Do you know why? It’s because I am the best. Everyone who knows anything about this country’s justice system—a group that does not include you, apparently—knows that I am the only person on the planet who could possibly win this case for Barnes. If you would like to take your chances with someone else, you are free to do so. I hope he likes prison.

SR: [mumbles something unintelligible]

JW: What was that?

SR: Sorry.

JW: Damn right you are. Now. Can your friend sell guilty?

SR: Probably.

JW: Good.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: 4 Month Suspension

It’s been four months. Do you want to work for us or not?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: 4 Month Suspension

Nope.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: 4 Month Moratorium

Cool.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: 4 Month Moratorium

It’s been four months. Do you want to work for us or not?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Re: 4 Month Moratorium

I think Hope and I both want to.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: 4 Month Moratorium

Oh, thank God. We want her. I’ve already sent her the contract.

Oh my god, this is perfect. Fighting crime is such a fragile-masculinity boy’s game, I’m so stoked to have another pair of ovaries in the office.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: 4 Month Moratorium

I feel like you didn’t want me, you just wanted her.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: 4 Month Moratorium

Yeah. Kind of.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: 4 Month Moratorium

Honestly, that’s probably a smart decision. Hope’s great.

Washington Post

BREAKING—Notorious Assassin James Barnes Turns Himself in at US Embassy

               Nairobi—Two weeks after Steven “Captain America” Rogers accepted the UN’s pardon for superhero activities, his childhood friend and famed HYDRA killer James Buchanan Barnes turned himself into the US Embassy in Kenya last night. No word yet on why he just now came forward or where he’s been for the last six months.

               The Post has contacted the UN, the Embassy, and the Department of Justice for more information.

               This story is ongoing and will be updated as more information becomes available.

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Barnes

Are you responsible for this?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Barnes

I’m not sure what you’re suggesting, Secretary. I have not had any contact with James Barnes. He’s a wanted criminal.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Barnes

Someone had to have orchestrated this. No way Captain America accepts a pardon two weeks before Barnes turns himself in coincidentally.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Barnes

We knew they were together. They probably coordinated this together.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Barnes

No. You and I both know that Rogers and Barnes aren’t bright enough to come up with something this elaborate. They have to have a planner. Someone like Romanoff.

Jane Foster
Today, 12:54 PM

I’m going to get arrested.

What did you do?

I may have told Cap to take the pardon, get Barnes to turn himself in, and hire Jen Walters to win the trial

Darcy, why?

I was drunk! I like fixing things!
I should have stayed at Culver.

Is this technically illegal?

Some could call it “aiding and abetting”

Aiding him in what? In turning himself in?

There’s a time and place
Secret emails are likely neither.

But it’s not technically illegal, right?

Jane, you’re missing the point.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Subj: Ross

Why does Ross think that I planned Steve and Bucky’s repatriation?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Ross

Because he figures that Steve and Bucky aren’t smart enough to come up with it by themselves. Honestly, you’d think he’d be grateful. Now the only ones who are still at large are Falcon and Scarlet Witch, and they’re basically sidekicks.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Ross

He’s probably right about that. Steve’s never been one for planning and underhandedness. He prefers to attack his problems head-on. I wonder who planned this, though.

Jane Foster
Today, 3:22 PM

Holy fuck I think Natasha knows

Natasha knows what?

Natasha knows I gave the plan to Steve

How would she know this?

She is the goddamn Black Widow that’s how
Look at this

Darcy Lewis has sent a picture

Okay, you need to calm down.
This doesn’t mean that she knows anything.

No she does she absolutely does what if she throws me under the bus

Darcy, listen to me. You can do this.
Just act casual. Pretend you know nothing.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Ross

Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe Sharon Carter?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Subj: Rumors

Are you fucking Sharon Carter?

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Rumors

Jesus, Nat, you can’t just say things like that! Sharon and I are in a relationship, yes. You were the one who told us we should date in the first place. Why the sudden interest?

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Rumors

One, when I told you to ask her out, I didn’t know she was your ex’s grandniece.

Two, are you sure you should be taking her advice? I thought you hated giving control up to Ross. By accepting his pardon, you just agreed to play by his rules.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Rumors

Sharon didn’t tell me to take the pardon, Nat. The UN consultant did, Darcy Lewis.

And Peggy Carter is not my ex!

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Rumors

What do you mean, Darcy Lewis told you to take the pardon? She told me that she thought Sharon had. Why would she do that?

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rumors

   She said that she was drunk when she sent me the email. I don’t know why she would lie to you.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rumors

Me neither, but I’m going to find out.

Chapter Text

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Extradition

I want you to go to Kenya and deliver Barnes to America.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Extradition

Yeah, me and what army?

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Extradition

Just you.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Extradition

Do you want me to die? He could snap me in half like a toothpick!

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Extradition

We need to project an aura of confidence and demonstrate to the world that he’s not a threat. After the Kenya fiasco, you’re the most recognizable member of this task force. If I had my way, he’d be locked so far under this building he would have to crawl up to see the Marianas trench, but he’s too visible now.

You bring him in, alone, and we show the world that we’ve tamed the beast. You know the political power of a move like that.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Extradition

But what about Romanoff or something? She’s recognizable. She’s a hero. And—plus side—she won’t die if he decides to go Rambo on her ass!

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Extradition

No Avengers. This has to be someone people don’t see fighting crime every day.

Lewis, don’t fight me on this. You know I’m right.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Extradition

Swear to God, if I die, I will make it my personal mission to haunt you for eternity.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Extradition

I’ll add that to your contract.

Recording of Prisoner Extradition #0466752B
BARNES, James Buchanan
Property of the United Nations. Any Unauthorized Viewers will be Prosecuted.

[#1]

JB: I know you.

DL: Hm?

JB: You’re T’Challa’s girl.

DL: No, I’m not.

JB: He wants you to be.

DL: That’s not true, either. Rule number one of the modern age: don’t get your news from tabloids.

JB: But he came to see you in Kenya.

DL: He dropped off my suitcase. It was hardly a declaration of courtship.

JB: He came after you specifically told him not to. It wasn’t nothing, either.

DL: Well, maybe UPS doesn’t deliver to Wakanda.

JB: It was a bad first date.

DL: It wasn’t a date! [Incoherent mumbling.] He—just offered to show me the city. That’s it.

JB: It was a bad first date.

DL: Oh, my god.

JB: Me, I would have done it properly. Radio City Music Hall, maybe. Or Coney Island. Bought you a hot dog and a funnel cake.

DL: I am not having this conversation.

JB: I’d also make sure you knew it was a date.

DL: I’m flattered, really. But I don’t date quote-unquote supers. Or criminals, for that matter. No exceptions.

JB: Supers? There’s got to be a better name.

DL: Would you prefer “highly trained individuals in violation of the Sokovia Accords,” or is that too wordy?

JB: It’s a bit wordy.

DL: Sorry you disapprove. It’s too bad I don’t care.

[#2]

DL: Um, where the hell are we?

BT: The airfield.

DL: Okay, then what the hell is that?

BT: The plane.

DL: It’s enormous.

BT: Yes.

DL: I thought we were taking one of those tiny-ass Cessnas.

BT: We were, but. Um. Higher-ups made a decision.

DL: What higher-ups? I am the higher-up!

BT: Um. King T’Challa offered his private plane, as a gesture of cooperation.

JB: [laughing]

DL: [pause] Can we still take the Cessna?

BT: No?

DL: Fuck.

[#3]

JB: So how’d you get this gig?

DL: What gig?

JB: The “escorting me to a federal prison” gig.

DL: Oh.

JB: You must be a helluva fighter. Red Room? Hand? Serpent Society?

DL: I mean, I got a yellow belt in taekwondo when I was nine. And I have a taser.

JB: [laughs] That’s it? What the hell were they thinking?

DL: Hey, don’t knock the taser. That shit brought down Thor, and he’s a god.

JB: I could kill you with my bare hands. [pause] Well, hand.

DL: That’s kind of the point.

JB: I don’t think I follow.

DL: We need to show you’re not dangerous. Seeing as I am both surprisingly well-known and also very bad at the fighting thing, my bringing you in shows everyone that there’s no need to fear you. Pretty good way of showing you aren’t a threat, but—if you ask me, and my boss did not—not a good way to show everyone you should be in prison.

JB: You think I should be in prison?

DL: I think my boss thinks you should be in prison.

JB: What do you think?

DL: I think you’ve broken a lot of laws. Murder, destruction of property, attempted murder, aggravated assault, assault with a deadly weapon, treason, terrorism, insurrection, collaboration as a prisoner of war, attempted vehicular homicide, flying without a pilot’s license, crossing state lines, resisting arrest, escaping custody, and traveling without a passport. Among others.

JB: I have a pilot’s license.

DL: Oh, well, in that case…

JB: And I don’t think attempted vehicular homicide is a thing.

DL: Look, I’m not a lawyer or a judge. I don’t know if you’re guilty. What’s more, I don’t particularly care. I get paid to ensure the success and good public opinion of the Sokovia Accords, and now that you’ve turned yourself in, you’re no longer a threat to my job.

JB: I’m glad to be of service.

[#4]

DL: Russian martial arts, five letters, ends in “O.”

JB: Sambo.

DL: Israeli secret service, six letters.

JB: Mossad.

DL: Uzbek capital, eight letters. Third letter “S.”

JB: Tashkent. What is this, some sort of interrogation?

DL: Dude, I’m doing a crossword puzzle.

[#5]

JB: Say I get acquitted, take the pardon, and retire. Could we go to Coney Island then?

DL: Depends. Does the acquittal mean you didn’t shoot JFK and aren’t about a hundred?

JB: You’re awfully strict on this “no supers” business, aren’t you?

DL: Did you ever see King Kong? Where the giant monkey is clinging to the Empire State building and it’s got the girl in one hand and it’s shaking its fist at the sky?

JB: Yeah…

DL: My one goal in life is to not end up as that woman.

JB: Admirable.

DL: Thank you.

JB: But I don’t think there are giant monkeys in this universe.

DL: It’s simply an example. I don’t pull off “damsel” well, and I refuse to be in a situation where that role becomes more likely.

JB: You work for the Sokovia Task Force. Hell, you run the task force. You don’t think that makes you a target?

DL: Pepper Potts is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, and yet when people fuck with her, they’re usually trying to fuck with Tony Stark. Superheroes breed supervillains, and I am not going to be in the middle of that shit. I will handle it with much less grace than she does.

[#6]

JB: An armored car? What happened to not showing me as a threat?

DL: Make fun if you must, but you will get to your trial if I have to drag you there myself. I don’t want another Jack Ruby incident, things like that always bring out the crazy conspiracy theories. [pause] Jack Ruby is, um—

JB: I know who Jack Ruby is. Actually, I paid off Jack Ruby.

DL: Hey, just checking. Your buddy is completely ignorant of things like “the Cold War” and “our relationship with China” and “The Jungle.”

JB: Steve was never very good at foreign relations.

DL: Yeah, no shit. It’s like he doesn’t even know that people hate us.

[#7]

DL: Hey, I don’t think I caught your name.

BT: Private Benjamin Tibbets, ma’am!

DL: Okay, Ben? Can you take me to this address, please?

BT: But I’m supposed to take you straight back to the airport. Secretary Ross said, ma’am. Embassy, airport, airport, prison, airport. We just finished at the prison, and so now we go back to the airport.

DL: Yes, I know. But I haven’t been in the US in about five months, and I need you to take me to this address.

BT: This is a Krispy Kreme.

DL: Yes.

BT: You want me to disobey direct orders from the Secretary of State so you can get a donut?

DL: Yes.

BT: Really?

DL: Dude, I have been craving a sweet, glaze-encrusted confection for almost a month now. The pfannkuchen bakeries are not cutting it. They do not understand that a donut’s sole purpose is to be smothered in chocolate and sprinkles.

BT: Um.

DL: I promise, if Secretary Ross wants to throw a bitchfit about the donut thing, I will take the heat.

BT: O…kay?

DL: Good man.

Washington Post

BREAKING—Bomb Goes Off on Maryland Army Base

Chapter Text

Mom
Today, 3:32 PM

Don’t worry, I’m fine

What should I be worrying about?

I think I was an assassination target?
A bad one. Like I said I’m fine.

I’m glad you’re okay

Thanks, mom

Wow, your first assassination attempt
This is how you really know you’ve made it.

Yeah, I should pop open a bottle of champagne to celebrate.

What happened?

Someone smuggled a bomb onto the plane, which they then detonated just about when we were supposed to be taking off. Fortunately, I had coerced my hapless driver Ben into driving me to the nearest Krispy Kreme so I could get a donut.

Ha! I’m telling everyone at work. Donuts do save lives!

T’Challa
Today, 4:02 PM

I have just heard the news. Are you okay?

Yeah, I’m totally fine. So sorry about the plane!

The plane is nothing. My only thoughts are for your safety.

Thank you, I am unharmed. I was nowhere near the plane at the time of the explosion.

Then I am glad.
This is the second time you have become injured on my account. I feel I must make it up to you.

It’s really not necessary. Neither incident was your fault, nor was I injured.

Please, I insist.

T’Challa, I really don’t think that’s wise.

I promise, I will respect your wishes regarding a relationship.
However, I will not see you injured or dead when I have the power to prevent it.

Jane Foster
Today, 4:15 PM

Few things
One, I think I almost got assassinated today
Two, I’m totally fine
Three, the Winter Soldier wants to take me to Coney Island
Four, T’Challa is taking number one very personally

Oh, my god.
I’m calling you.

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Today’s Events

We’ve combed through all the mail you received in the last six months, and no one sent any death threats. We aren’t sure where this is coming from, but we’ll figure it out. In the meantime, Private Tibbets is going to drive you up to New York; Tony Stark is willing to keep you for a few days until we can figure this out. I don’t want you flying until we figure out who we’re dealing with. If they can get to the King of Wakanda’s jet, nowhere is safe.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Today’s Events

I’m fine. I really am. I don’t need to be babysat by a (possibly former) alcoholic with a death wish and a death suit.

At least let me visit Culver. It’s closer than New York.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Today’s Events

Definitely not. That’s the first place they’d expect you to go.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Subj: Bomb Blast

I just heard about the blast. Who do you think was trying to kill him? HYDRA? Or another Zemo-type character?

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Bomb Blast

I don’t know who set off the bombs, but Barnes wasn’t the target. Whoever did this had to have known the flight log. It was detonated just as the plane was supposed to be crossing into international waters. I think whoever did this was trying to kill Darcy Lewis.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Bomb Blast

Lewis? Why? I thought you said she wasn’t HYDRA or anything.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Bomb Blast

I don’t know. I don’t like not knowing.

Jane Foster
Today, 8:43 AM

He sent me a bodyguard.
A motherfucking bodyguard.
Literally what the fuck.

Who is he?

T’Challa

Oh. Okay. That’s weird.
Is the bodyguard nice?

Okoye’s pretty nice, I guess
She doesn’t say a lot
Or anything
Jane, I’m fucking terrified of her

Then tell him you have to refuse because it’s impacting your work.

I would but Ross thinks it’s a good idea for some goddamn reason
This is the man who almost fired me when I accidentally went on a date with T’Challa
But a bodyguard is okay??

Well, maybe he wants to see you safe.

Not only am I currently living with Tony Fucking Stark, Ross has saddled me with a driver
Just in fucking case
I don’t need a bodyguard.

Apparently, T’Challa thinks you do.
By the way, if you count Sam Wilson staring at your boobs the whole time we were in Stockholm, you’ve hit four supers hitting on you. Congrats. You officially deserve prison.

Awesome.

Okoye <[email protected]>

Subj: Bodyguard Report

The white girl is still alive. Can I come home yet?

King T’Challa <[email protected]>

Re: Bodyguard Report

Not until we bring whoever is targeting her to justice. You know your duty, Okoye.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: This is Stupid

Okay, I’m just throwing it out there—how do we even know I was the target? It could have been Barnes, or T’Challa, or even you.

I’ve been stuck here for two days now, I’ve learned my lesson. Stark is annoying, Okoye is terrifying, and I swear to god Tibbets is a jump-scare away from pissing himself constantly.

At the very least, send me work. Please. There is only so much Minesweeper my computer will let me play, and I can’t bring myself to rewatch Friends on Netflix.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: This is Stupid

It’s funny you should mention being the target. Yesterday, someone sent a letter to your apartment. Inside the envelope was a small bomb and a note that read “It’s too bad that bitch didn’t die in the plane crash. Now we might have casualties when we take her out.” Who did you piss off?

You’re staying in New York for the time being. Don’t antagonize Tibbets; he is young and fragile and wholly unsuited for your brand of frustration. Don’t piss off Okoye or Stark, either. You don’t want to make these people’s jobs easier.

No work. Write another paper dismissing those bizarre New York vigilantes, if you must. Or check out a new series. I hear Gilmore Girls is quite good.

Chapter Text

The New York Times Opinion Editorial

New York’s Vigilante Epidemic

Guest Contributor Dr. Darcy Lewis

               I don’t know why I’m still surprised to learn of more New York superheroes. After all, we’re nearly five years removed from the Chitauri Invasion and the oft-memed “Superheroes? In New York?” old man. I won’t bore you with speculation on who our Hell’s Kitchen friend in devil horns is, much less the identity of the new web-slinger up Queens. I feel that conversations about superheroes invariably get bogged down by talk of secret identities and how do we know if they are doing good and things like that. I won’t bother, because none of that matters. The fact is, by their mere presence, superheroes do more harm than good.

               Superheroes like to claim that they are “reactionaries”—that they’ll disappear when there’s no need for them anymore—but thus far none of them have. Yes, a few have taken pardons to avoid jail time, but that fantasy of a superhero rising when we need him and disappearing when we do not remains just that: a fantasy.

               Has anyone noticed that once superheroes appear on the scene, supervillains appear to challenge them? Sure, they start out rescuing babies from burning buildings or women from muggers, but eventually a supervillain always, always rises to challenge them, and we pay the price.

               I can’t speak for you, but I’m tired of it. If it were up to me, Spiderman would hand his web shooters over to the police—or mass-market them; I’d hate to stand in the way of capitalism—and retire comfortably. The police never seem to have to take down raging alien creatures or crazy mad scientists, and they have significantly more experience and qualifications to take down a mugger.

               When did we start trusting vigilantes just because they wear masks and unitards?

               Darcy Lewis completed her Ph.D. at Culver University, where she teaches political science and international relations. She also serves as a consultant to the United Nations’ Sokovia Accords Task Force. Contact her at [email protected].

Comments (15)

Peter Parker, Queens, NY
I think the correct spelling is Spider-Man. With the hyphen. I’ve heard that’s what he prefers.

Franklin Nelson, Manhattan, NY
Important to remember in this day and age. Vigilantism is still illegal in this country, no matter how we all ignore it.

Google Search “nearest cupcake shop”
About 4,440,000 results (0.77 seconds)

Magnolia Bakery – Grand Central Station

Jane Foster
Today, 2:15 PM

I’m busting out of here
Wish me luck

I do not condone this behavior.
Where are you going?

Cupcake shop

This is a bad idea.
Darcy, someone is literally trying to kill you.

Bro, I need some “me” space
Ben literally followed me into the bathroom yesterday
Okoye punched him

So? I also lived in Gamma Rho; I remember exactly how little room there was.
You’ve dealt with worse.

I was also nineteen! I still thought hooking up with Amadeus Cho in a toilet stall at a frat party was a good idea!

I feel like there’s a story there.

Yeah, he ghosted me so hard, he left the university. Last I heard, he was in Utah
Unimportant. I’m getting cupcakes bye

Dammit, Darcy!

Today, 2:21 PM

Really? You called my nanny?
Jane, what the fuck?

I’m sorry, but I’m a bit protective when people try to kill my best friend.

Well, jokes on you because we’re still at the cupcake place

Why?!

Turns out Okoye digs red velvet. I can work with people who like red velvet.

Get back to the tower, Darcy. Please.

Jesus Mother Gothel, chill
We’re at a cupcake place in the rich part of Manhattan, two minutes away from the tower
I missed being outside

You have five minutes before I call the police.

Buzzfeed News

Shots Reported at Upscale Manhattan Bakery

Jane Foster
Today, 2:45 PM

Admittedly, I’ve had finer moments.

What did you do?

Got shot at
They missed though, which is nice

I won’t say I told you so.

Jane.
That’s exactly what you just did.

I know, but I did it subtly.

You’re the worst.

Okoye <[email protected]>

Subj: Bodyguard Report

The white girl almost got herself shot. I prevented her from being shot. Have you found out who is trying to kill her?

King T’Challa <[email protected]>

Re: Bodyguard Report

Not yet.

Chapter Text

Unknown Number
Today, 3:22 PM

I heard someone almost blew you up.

That was so four days ago
They tried to shoot me an hour ago, too

Who did you anger?

No fucking clue
Wanna ask your friends in the sky?
The faster we figure out who’s trying to kill me, the faster I can get out of this damn tower

Stark’s?

Yeah
I’m so bored, I started watching Chef’s Table again
So now I’m hungry and cranky

I can stage a rescue, if you like.
Very dramatic. Lots of smashed windows and ravished princesses.

As the royal, I am assuming you are the princess here

You can ravish me if you want.

I don’t.

Do you need a rescue?

Depends. Do you also want to rescue my terrifying bodyguard and hapless driver?
I’ve been told if I leave them behind again, I’ll get fired.
Never mind that Okoye came with me to the cupcake shop

Sounds awful.

Yeah, it blows
Where are you?

Unimportant.

Seems important

I’ll see if I can find out who wants you dead.

Thanks

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Recent Attack

This is why I support the bodyguard.

Also, I’m stepping down as head of the Sokovia Task Force. Especially since my time as Secretary of State is coming to an end, it doesn’t make sense to continue running it. I think Everett Ross will be replacing me.

Stay in Stark’s tower. Don’t be an idiot.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Recent Attack

Fine, I’ll stop trying to get rid of Okoye.

And what the hell do you mean, Everett Ross is taking over? Everett Ross is a hobbit with a Napoleon complex. And I basically run the department!

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Recent Attack

You aren’t a part of the department. You’re an independent consultant.

I could probably talk to the UN and get them to vote you over Everett, but I’d have to do it quickly. They’re voting in three days.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Recent Attack

Why are you only telling me this now?!

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Recent Attack

Honestly? I didn’t think you’d care.

Mom
Today, 5:30 PM

So now I have three days to decide if I want to take orders from the more idiotic Ross or if I want to work here full-time.

Which one do you want to do?

Not pick.

That’s not an option, honey.
Do you want my advice?

Always.

I think that you’ve never been good at sharing, and I think that you hate your Culver job.
Maybe you should think about doing it.

What happened to “Honey, I can’t pick for you”?

New year, new me.

Mom, it’s barely December

My other New Year’s resolution is to start being early to things.
Besides, I can’t listen to you whine about Bridget any longer. Enough is enough.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Recent Attack

I want the job.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Recent Attack

Full-time? Are you sure?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Recent Attack

Yes.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: Tendering My Resignation

I won’t sugarcoat this shit, Henry. I’m staying at the UN full-time. Feel free to have a celebration.

-----------
Darcy Lewis, Professor of Political Science
Culver University, University Hall Room 3112
Office Hours: TTh 3:30-5:30, Phone No. (304) 555-3229

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Lewis

She took the job. You owe me.

Jane Foster
Today, 9:21 PM

I am probably the head of the task force
whoopsies

What? Why?

Ross is stepping down and I hate ross
Wait fuck
I’m drinking
Thad is stepping down and I hate Everett
Everett is a stupid name
And he’s so short like I’m short but no t that short

Are you sure this is a good idea?

No
Tony Stark cheats at Titanic

I meant the job, Darcy. Not the drinking.
Although why you’re playing drinking games with a (possibly former) alcoholic is beyond me, too.

I dunno but I wanted it and my mom said itw as smart so yeah
How do you even cheat at titanic fuck

Washington Post

Date Set for Winter Soldier’s Trial

               Washington, D.C.—In a press release by Jennifer Walters, the legal counsel for Mr. James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes, alias the Winter Soldier, she announced that the trial proceedings would begin next month, in early January.

               “He’s been in limbo for seventy years—our longest prisoner of war—and it’s inhumane to keep him in limbo for any longer,” Walters announced. “I’m happy to see that the United States is recognizing his decades of torture at the hands of HYDRA and his invaluable efforts in World War II to free the world from the Nazis.”

Laura Barton <[email protected]>

Subj: Press Release

I think you might have oversold the POW and Nazi things.

Jennifer Walters <[email protected]>

Re: Press Release

It’s not easy to get sympathy for the guy who killed JFK. I’m doing my best. Fortunately for all parties, I am the best.

How are the kids?

Laura Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Press Release

Good! We’re going to Disneyland in a few weeks. Clint is horrified. I haven’t told him that’s why we’re going.

You should come. Clint’s insisting we bring Natasha, and I don’t want to make this too easy for him.

Jennifer Walters <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Press Release

You know how I feel about places with large concentrations of children.

How about instead we have a mini Gamma Rho reunion at a spa in Hollywood? We could invite Betty, maybe Carol and the others.

Laura Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Press Release

I promised the kids we’d give them a proper family vacation. Plus Natasha. But we could do something later in the year? Maybe after the trial?

WHiH News

Dr. Darcy Lewis Named New Head of the Sokovia Accords Task Force
By Christine Everhart

               New York—Surprising everyone in the international community, the UN Special Committee on Superheroes voted unanimously to make Dr. Darcy Lewis the new head of the Sokovia Accords Task Force. The former teacher at Culver University has been serving as an “independent consultant” for the last five months.

               Lewis has been mired in scandals from the beginning of her consultancy, from her illicit relationship with Wakandan ruler T’Challa to her “mutual aid treaty” with Asgard, for which she bought the world’s support with Asgardian gold.

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Subj: Everhart

I’m going to guess that whatever you had on Everhart, it wasn’t enough. Why does she hate you so vehemently?

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Everhart

I ran an underground blog in high school that almost got her expelled. I also have video evidence of a rather unfortunate cheerleading halftime performance. And I may have called her Evershart. I’m not proud.

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Everhart

That would do it.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Okoye <[email protected]>

Subj: Bodyguard Report

The white girl pissed off a journalist. She also got a promotion. She is also bad at drinking games. Is this assignment over yet?

King T’Challa <[email protected]>

Re: Bodyguard Report

No.

Chapter Text

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Dilemma

Look, Nat, why don’t you just ask her why she lied? Either she’ll lie or she won’t, but either way you’ll know more than you do now.

Two weeks til Disney. Laura’s threatening to make me wear mouse ears the whole time. Please tell me you can come.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Liechtenstein

Actually, Everett, it makes absolutely no difference to me if Liechtenstein doesn’t want to sign the Asgard treaty. They’re freaking tiny. They can deal with whatever aliens get lost on their way to the big fight by themselves.

If you go behind my back again, I will destroy you and your career. You do not have authority to negotiate a treaty. We all still remember how well you fucked up the Cap situation.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Subj: Winter Soldier Surrender

Why did you lie to me about the plan you gave to Steve?

Jane Foster
Today, 4:04 PM

You remember where my will is, right?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Winter Soldier Surrender

I regretted giving that plan to Steve, since I realized after I sent it that such a plan would likely get me fired.

To be fair, my plan was a rough thing sketched out after too many episodes of Scandal. I basically only told him to surrender, hire Jen Walters, and let Barnes turn himself in to get the giant targets off their backs. Everything else was Jen.

Jane Foster
Today, 7:31 AM

So I kind of need a place to stay.

What? Why?
I thought you were staying with Stark.

I was, and then I punched him
Now I need a place to stay
Can I crash with you at Culver for like a week?

Why did you punch him?

Because he started mansplaining foreign policy to me
Like, wow, tell me more, sir electrical engineer. Tell me how your degree behooves you to explain foreign policy to an international relations professor.

Are you bringing Tibbets and Okoye?

Which answer makes you say yes?

The affirmative.

Then absolutely.

Okoye <[email protected]>

Subj: Bodyguard Report

The white girl punched Iron Man in the face. We are moving to Virginia.

King T’Challa <[email protected]>

Re: Bodyguard Report

Keep me notified.

Unknown Number
Today, 9:55 PM

National Force.

What?

They’re the ones that have been trying to kill you.

Oh. Okay.
Do we know why?

Not yet.

Thank you.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Winter Soldier Surrender

Hi Natasha—

Have you ever heard of a group called National Force? A friend told me that that’s who’s been trying to kill me.

Thanks,
Darcy

Unknown Number
Today, 1:02 AM

Help

Chapter Text

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Winter Soldier Surrender

Hi Darcy,

National Force? Are you sure? They’re a right-wing conservative group that’s been, at most, linked to a couple cases of county-level voting fraud. I doubt they’re trying to kill you.

I think it’s much more likely that it’s HYDRA. Have you had any dealings with them?

Culver Gazette

Local Astrophysicist’s Home Explodes after Gas Main Rupture

Okoye <[email protected]>

Subj: Bodyguard Report

The white girl is gone.

Jane Foster <[email protected]>

Re: Explosion

Everett—

It wasn’t a gas main leak. Someone fucking firebombed my house. I literally saw the bombs. Not only that, I watched as two large men wrestled my best friend into a helicopter and took off. Mount a fucking rescue mission, or I swear to God, I will bring down Thor upon you.

-------------
Dr. Jane Foster, Ph.D., Department of Astrophysics
Culver University, 2201 Ashbury
OH: MW 2-4 PM, (304) 555-6679

Buzzfeed News

Thor Was Kicking Ass in Wichita, But Who’s The New Guy?

Stephen Strange <[email protected]>

Subj: Mission Report

Loki made his presence known with a huge magical flare in Cheyenne. Thor and I went in to capture him and bring him back to Asgard. He claimed that he would go back willingly, if we first rescued Darcy Lewis from National Force. He then disappeared. I don’t know how he knew that Dr. Lewis was in danger, who was holding her, or how they met in the first place.

Thor and I located Dr. Lewis in a warehouse outside of Wichita. After a minor struggle, we were able to rescue her. I brought her back to New York, where she is receiving medical treatment. I don’t know where Loki is at this time.

Unknown Number
Today, 11:22 AM

Thank you

Of course.

Today, 11:51 AM

Do you want to get dinner sometime?

The New York Times

Breaking—Asgardian War Criminal Loki Discovered Hiding in Quebec

Jane Foster
Today, 2:30 PM

You cannot possibly know that he gave himself up for you.

Jane, I swear to God
He’s the fucking god of lies, he could hide out here for decades if he wanted to
Also, he would have responded to my text

So because he didn’t respond in the hour or so between when you texted him and when he was captured, you assume he turned himself in for you?

That’s not my only reason
But, yeah, it’s pretty suspect
I also found it weird that Thor and that strange caped guy were doing the rescuing

You are insane. I think your kidnapping messed with your brain.

I might be crazy, but I’m also right.

Okoye <[email protected]>

Subj: Bodyguard Report

The white girl has been rescued. She says National Force is responsible. Can I come home yet?

King T’Challa <[email protected]>

Re: Bodyguard Report

Soon.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: Nauru

Everett—

First off, if you try to do my job for me again, I will kill you. I don’t care if I was kidnapped. Next time, wait until you see the body. Also, the statistical likelihood of aliens crash-landing on earth and hitting Nauru is so small, they have a better chance of hitting an Avenger. If they don’t want to sign, that’s their goddamned prerogative.

Secondly, I have a new assignment for you. I need you to pull every bit of research we have on these new heroes popping up: Daredevil, Spider-Man, that weird new guy in the cape, etc. You may also bring on Lorna and Abigail.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Winter Soldier Surrender

Natasha—

I once got into a twitter war with ex-Senator Stern, but that’s the limit of my HYDRA interactions. It wasn’t even about politics. We were fighting about American Idol. Let it be said that politicians shouldn’t manage their own twitter accounts.

It was definitely National Force, though. They wanted me to order an Avengers strike on Russia. Why Russia, I have no idea. A strike in China would do much more to start a world war, and I bet if such a strike occurred in North Korea, we’d get a nuclear one. Of course, nobody bothered to ask me what I thought would be a good way to wreak political havoc on the world.

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

FW: Re: Re: Re: Re: Winter Soldier Surrender

Do you think she’s just trying to be funny?

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: FW: Re: Re: Re: Re: Winter Soldier Surrender

Probably. I feel like we would have found something by now if she were HYDRA, considering how many people were looking.

Disneyland. Three days. Are you coming or what? If you don’t reply, I’m inviting Scott.

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Subj: Disney

I’ve got an extra ticket to Disneyland. Want to come?

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Re: Disney

When, and can I bring my daughter?

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Disney

Two days. And yes, but you’ll have to buy her ticket yourself.

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Disney

Yikes. Who canceled last-minute?

Clint Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Disney

Natasha.

Scott Lang <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Disney

Hard pass. That woman terrifies me. Have fun, though.

Laura Barton <[email protected]>

Subj: Disneyland

Natasha—

You might as well come. Clint’s not happy about buying an extra Park Hopper pass that won’t get used. Considering the man has a tractor that cost more than my car for our hobby farm, I think he should be used to wasting money.

It’ll be fun. We can torture Clint together.

—Laura

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Disneyland

Can we make him wear one of those Goofy hats with the ears?

Laura Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Disneyland

Absolutely.

National Force @NatLForce

Either @DarcyALewis agrees to our demands, or the Happiest Place on Earth gets a lot less happy. You have 6 hours. Tick tock.

Chapter Text

Jane Foster
Today, 8:15 AM

Darcy Lewis sent a picture

Well, I’ve never been threatened by tweet before

Evacuate the park, and all will be well. Right?

The second they see an evacuation attempt, they’ll blow the whole thing
Right now we’re just letting everyone play and have fun
This group has like 300 followers, we should be okay
Unless I don’t agree to their demands, then we’re all fucked

What are you going to do?

I’m negotiating a conference call with Tony Stark, Ross, and the secretary of defefnse
In order to answer that question
We should figure something out eventually, unless I punch another high ranking official

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: Disneyland

Hi Hope—

I’ve got a mission for you (and maybe Scott). Give me a call?

The New York Times

Crisis Averted at Disneyland by New Avengers

Hope Van Dyne
Today, 6:51 PM

I’m not crazy about the whole “New Avengers” thing
Can we change that?

Sadly, I’ve alienated my only news contact
We might be stuck with it

Hope Van Dyne <[email protected]>

Subj: Great to See You

Laura,

It was great to see you, even if only in passing. Let’s get together soon. I’ve missed you and the girls.

Jen emailed me about a weeklong trip to Florence in May. Are you going to go? Don’t get me wrong, I love Carol and Betty, but if I have to spend a week with them, I’ll probably kill someone. Jen’s a great lawyer, but even she wouldn’t be able to get me off.

Hope the kids are well,

Hope

Laura Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Great to See You

Hope—

I loved seeing you too, though the circumstances were somewhat suboptimal. I do apologize for my husband’s behavior.

About the trip: yes, probably. I hope you do too, because I can’t keep up with Carol these days. She’s practically superhuman. Betty’s mellowed out, at least. She emailed me asking if she could invite her mentee/fellow Gamma Rho, Jane Foster. Apparently, they’ve bonded over people (both at Culver and on the Avengers) being idiots. What do you think?

—Laura

Hope Van Dyne <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Great to See You

Laura,

No worries about Clint. Men are idiots.

If you go, I’ll go. I’m not sure about bringing Jane, though. This is our trip. If we invite every Gamma Rho we know, we’ll have to invite Christine, and I hate that bitch. We get it, you save lives, whatever, I don’t care. Is Pepper coming? She’s kind of annoying, too, but she’s got the best taste in wine.

Laura Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Great to See You

Hope—

Pepper can’t come. Running a company and dating Tony Stark are apparently two full-time jobs. I’m with you on Christine, though. She’s been insufferable since she rushed.

Can’t wait to see you in Florence!

—Laura

Okoye <[email protected]>

Subj: Bodyguard Report

The white girl appears to be stopping National Force just fine on her own. Can I come home yet?

King T’Challa <[email protected]>

Subj: Darcy Lewis

Do we think Darcy Lewis is still in danger? I currently have her under surveillance and protection, but if I keep my girl there too long, it will start to look suspicious.

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Darcy Lewis

I, for one, would still like to know how come Loki was apparently willing to give himself up for her. The National Force thing is, frankly, a bit of a side note.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Stephen Strange <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

I don’t think that National Force is much of a threat anymore. The FBI has been startlingly effective at finding them as of late. But I do agree with Tony. What sort of connection do those two have?

Blackager Boltagon <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

Pull your girl off of Lewis. If she stays too long, it will look suspicious. As for the Loki connection, what does it matter? He is in prison; he can no longer help her. We put her in charge because we trusted her judgements when it came to the Avengers. Have we stopped trusting her?

King T’Challa <[email protected]>

Re: Bodyguard Report

Yes, you may return home.

Chapter Text

Franklin Nelson <[email protected]>

Subj: Winter Soldier Trial

Hi Dr. Lewis,

I am a lawyer working with Jennifer Walters on the Winter Soldier case, and I was hoping you might be willing to testify on his behalf. Please let me know as soon as possible.

Thanks,

Franklin Nelson

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Winter Soldier Trial

Mr. Nelson,

I don’t know how much help I would be, as I only met him once. What would I be testifying about?

Darcy Lewis

P.S. Just Darcy is fine. Dr. Lewis gives me flashbacks to teaching.

Franklin Nelson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Winter Soldier Trial

Darcy,

You would serve as a character witness, seeing as you’re one of a very few people who has only met him after being cured. It wouldn’t be very much, just trying to establish a real difference between the Winter Soldier character and Bucky Barnes.

Franklin Nelson

PS: Call me Foggy

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Winter Soldier Trial

Foggy,

I would hardly call it a meaningful conversation. Other than him hitting on me, we mostly just did a crossword puzzle. I’ll do it, of course, if you think that’s necessary, but full disclosure: we didn’t talk about much.

Also, I have to ask—Foggy?

Darcy

Franklin Nelson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Winter Soldier Trial

Darcy,

As long as you’re willing to swear under oath, that’s all we need.

‘Foggy’ is one of those unfortunate nicknames older brothers give their unfortunate younger brothers with sleep apnea. These days, I like to think it has more to do with my brilliant legal mind cutting through everyone’s wicked fog of illegality blanketing the city.

Foggy

Jane Foster
Today, 9:56 PM

Four Avengers trying to get you to have sex with them, and you’re turned on by the lawyer?
I looked up pictures of him, Darcy. He’s cute enough, but he’s not exactly on T’Challa’s level.

I think he’s adorable!
He has a sense of humor, Jane.

So did the winter soldier.

No, Bucky Barnes had some really disturbing stories about the JFK assassination
Shit I shoulda asked if he arranged Reagan’s too

Reagan wasn’t assassinated.

They tried to
It failed, but they tried to
Seriously, does no one learn the fun bits of history anymore?

“They” being Hydra?

“They” being a crazed Jodie Foster fan
Same diff

My new assistant Ines just did a complete cyber-stalk.
He commented on your recent times article.

Really? I had not realized people read those.
New assistant?

CS major, Gamma Rho, quiet, and interested in astrophysics.
She’s basically perfect.

I’m trying not to take that personally

Do. She’s much better than you were.

Yeah but ours grew into a lasting friendship far beyond mere researcher/assistant

Yes, but Ines remembers my coffee order.

Everett Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: My Report

Darcy,

Although I know that this is just busywork because you have no idea how best to use my skills and experience, I have compiled that report you asked for. I focused on those who have been most in the media—Spider-Man and Daredevil, though towards the end, I did go more into some other vigilantes.

With all due respect,

Everett

See attached file

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: My Report

Everett,

This is not busywork. If I wanted you to do busywork, I would have had you go down to the mailroom and chart the amount of hatemail we receive by Avenger and then cross-reference it to figure out what events caused it to spike. That’s busywork.

Thank you for the report. It was good work.

Darcy

Jane Foster
Today, 3:32 PM

Do you want to help me murder a former avenger

Which one?

Tony Stark

Why?

Finally got Ross’s report on all those superheroes in new York
Apparently, Spiderman only does things after 2:45 PM

So?

So he’s a fricken high schooler
That Stark dragged into a plane fight
That fucker

Okay, that seems like a leap of logic. Maybe he works, or he’s a teacher.

God, I hope so
I guess I have to hunt him down next week and figure it out

What?

I’ll be in the states next week for the trial anyway
I might as well see if I violated a child labor law

Is it child labor if you don’t pay him?

Fair point.
Child endangerment?

The New York Times

The ‘Winter Soldier’ Trial Hits New York

Chapter Text

TRANSCRIPT OF CASE #E443720
People v. James Barnes
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

JW: We call Darcy Lewis to the stand.

B: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

DL: I do.

B: Please be seated.

JW: Can you please state your name and occupation for the court?

DL: Darcy Lewis, I run the Sokovian Accords department at the UN.

JW: What is your relation to the defendant?

DL: I was his escort. Um. I escorted him to the United States after he turned himself in in Kenya.

JW: Why do you think you were chosen for the role?

DL: Because I was easily recognizable. Having me—a pathetically wimpy female—bring in this guy demonstrated the power of the UN and that he wasn’t a threat.

JW: How much time did you spend with the defendant?

DL: Probably about twenty hours? He did take a three-hour nap at one point, though. So, seventeen waking hours?

JW: And what was your impression of him?

DL: He seemed pretty normal. He kept trying to hit on me, which was less than ideal. But, like, he didn’t much strike me as a killer or anything.

JW: Did you, at any time, feel unsafe?

DL: Only because of turbulence. I’m a nervous flyer.

JW: Last question—do you believe that, when you met him, the defendant was capable of cold-blooded murder?

DL: No. He got teary-eyed when I showed him one of those videos with the unlikely animal friends. It hardly screamed “murderer.”

JW: Thank you, Dr. Lewis. Your witness, Mr. Leland.

HL: Ms. Lewis—

DL: Doctor.

HL: Dr. Lewis, have you met many murderers?

DL: None that have been convicted.

HL: Would you consider yourself on expert on sociopathy or brainwashing?

DL: My Ph.D. is in political science. However, considering the Avengers with which I work, I would say that I am not totally unfamiliar with the topic.

HL: Now, Dr. Lewis, you work for the UN. In fact, you run the department responsible for superheroes. Aren’t you worried that this work makes you biased in one direction?

DL: Not particularly. I deal with international politics, and this is a domestic issue.

HL: So you have no stake in the outcome of this trial?

DL: If you’re trying to figure out if I want to put the Winter Soldier on the New Avengers, the answer is no. It doesn’t affect if he goes to prison or doesn’t. As I said, this is a domestic issue.

Franklin Nelson
Today, 5:30 PM

You did great on the stand today.

I bet you say that to all the witnesses.

Only the ones that make my opposing counsel look like he’s about to shit himself

I wasn’t that bad
He shouldn’t have accused me of fucking my way through the Avengers lineup
Everything I said was totally warranted

No arguments here
Got any plans while you’re here?

Other than a stern discussion with a vigilante or two?
Nothing

Which vigilante?

Spiderman
Can’t go after daredevil until he crosses a border

Is that your rule or the UN’s?

Yes

Well, if you aren’t interrogating anyone tonight, can I buy you a drink?

Yes

Jane Foster
Today, 6:08 PM

How do you attract a vigilante?
Also, I have a date tonight

With the lawyer?
Also, I have no idea. The only superhero I met I hit with my car.

Fucking shit. Do you think I can pay someone to hold me up?
that’s vigilante crap right

Back to the date though.
Are you going with the lawyer?

Yeah
We’re getting drinks in two hours
Which means this fucker really needs to show up

Are you just wandering around Manhattan?

Queens
I made Ross watch the Berlin tapes like eight times
He’s from Queens

So what, you’re wandering around Queens hoping you bump into this guy?

Well, I called stark and the second I said hi it’s darcy he started laughing and hung up on me
So it seemed like the best option

Pretend you lost your dog.
That’s vigilante stuff, right?

Is it?
Seems a bit low profile

I don’t know. You’re the one with a PhD in supers.

Spider-Man <[email protected]>

Subj: Darcy Lewis

Mr. Stark,

Darcy Lewis (that lady who writes the op-eds in the Times that promote the Accords) came to find me in Queens and she asked me a bunch of questions about me and you and anyway she said for me to tell you that if you put one foot out of line or if you piss her off she will ruin you and probably throw you in prison.

Sorry.

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Darcy Lewis

Oh god. You didn’t answer her, did you? What did you tell her?

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Spider-Man <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

Mr. Stark,

I don’t think I told her anything, but she knew everything! She asked me when I was graduating and if I was going to stay in New York for college! I didn’t know what to do. How does she know all this? Is she psychic? Can humans even be psychic?

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

That woman has the political savvy of Machiavelli, the ruthlessness of Attila the Hun, and the resources of the US, UN, and probably Asgard at her disposal. Do not talk to her again. Ever. Capisce?

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Spider-Man <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

Um. It might already be too late, Mr. Stark. I’m meeting with her again on Monday to sign the accords properly.

I figured that since you had signed the accords and she sounded so convincing and she said I could still be a vigilante as long as I stayed in New York and the US didn’t lodge a formal complaint and censure so it seemed like a good idea, you know, she said I didn’t have to sign my own name!

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

We’re doomed.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Chapter Text

Jane Foster
Today, 10:30 AM

How was the date?
Please say “still going on.”

Jane, the date was last night

I know.

He did not spend the night, if that’s what you’re so crassly hinting at.
It was just drinks.

Damn.

But we are about to grab brunch together.
I’ll call you after.

Text would be better. I’ve got one of those all-day staff retreats that makes me want to die.

Ooh
Department, school, or whole staff

Whole staff. At least Betty’s still here.

I’m sorry
I’ll text you after

Today, 4:12 PM

So it went well

Yeah, I should say so.
My brunches don’t last six hours.

No, but you fucked a god
And it wasn’t just brunch
He showed me the city

You could have fucked a god too, you know.

Group: Betty & Jane
Today, 4:18 PM

JF: Betty keeps reading over my shoulder.

JF: You might as well text us both.

BR: Guilty. Who’s the lawyer?

His name is Franklin Nelson but he goes by Foggy
We got drinks last night at this total dive bar in hells kitchen
I beat him in darts, he beat me in pool

JF: You’ve never been good at angles.

BR: Physicists…

Anyway he walked me back to my hotel and we made out a bit

BR: Did you have sex?

JF: Please tell me you had sex.

We did not have sex!
Jesus Christ
You two need to get laid

BR: Apparently, so do you

ANYWAY
We got brunch at this cute place by my hotel
Then he showed me the city
It was fun

JF: Good for you!

BR: Okay, is he cuter in person than he is in his law practice photo?

BR: Because if he isn’t, I say you should have gone for the king

He’s cuter than the law practice photo

JF: Facebook has much better pictures, Betty.

Oh, my god.

JF: Betty the king wasn’t even the best one.

JF: I would have gone for the winter soldier, personally.

The presidential assassin on trial???

JF: He has good hair.

BR: He does have good hair crap

You two need jesus

Foggy Nelson
Today, 5:15 PM

I had a really good time today
And last night

When are you heading back to Berlin?

Monday night
But Monday is literally all meetings

What about tomorrow?

Breakfast meeting with the Russian ambassador
Then church and brunch with the Philippines
Then a planning session with the house vigilante committee
Votes on thusrday, so it’s go time there
I promised I’d get dinner with Ross
And then, prep work for those fucking Monday meetings

Jesus.
Do you ever get time to relax?

It’s only because I’m stateside
It’s usually not this bad

I’d hope so.
This might be crazy, but why don’t you prep tomorrow night in my office?
Your hotel room is tiny, and it should be pretty quiet.

That depends.

On what?

On whether or not I have company.
I work better with company.

I think company can probably be arranged.
You know, if it helps you work.

Everett Ross
Today, 8:32 PM

Is there any particular reason you’re screening my calls?

I’m not screening your calls

You answered when I had Abigail call you.

Yeah, if Abby Brand calls me, I expect buildings to be on fire.
Abby hates the phone
What do you want, I’m on a date

With who?

Everett, we’re not close enough to discuss my dating life.
What do you want?
Abby already told me that Falcon and Scarlet Witch were spotted in Canada
I reminded her, as I will remind you, we don’t go in unless the country asks

It’s not that.

Then what?

A man in a red cape appeared in the lobby through a golden portal and he’s refusing to leave until he talks to you.

Does he look like an American silver fox version of the guy on Sherlock?
Except with Tony Stark’s goatee?

Yes.

Fucking fuck shit.
Tell him “Darcy Lewis doesn’t want to talk to you. Your cape is stupid. Go away.”

Isn’t it your job to talk to these superheroes?

Fine.
Tell him, “Darcy Lewis will be back Tuesday. You may schedule a meeting with her then. Your cape is stupid. Get out of our lobby.”

Is the “your cape is stupid” a necessary part of this message?

Yes.
Haven’t you seen the Incredibles?

Fine. I shall pass along your message.

Recording with stupidhead
Today, 8:34 PM

SS: Why are you recording this?

DL: Because when I get a fucking restraining order, I want the cops to know why! What the hell are you doing here?

SS: Your colleague said you were out of town until Tuesday, and I needed to speak with you.

DL: Make a fucking appointment for Tuesday! I am on a date!

SS: …Really?

DL: Yes!

FN: Hi.

SS: This doesn’t look like a date.

DL: I’m sorry, are you the friggen date police now?

FN: We’re operating in a limited window, and we had to make time when we could. Foggy Nelson, attorney at law. If you don’t exit my office immediately, I will have you arrested and prosecuted for trespassing.

DL: That was literally the hottest thing I’ve ever heard you say.

SS: One question.

DL: The exit is behind you.

SS: Why did Loki want to rescue you?

DL: Excuse me?

SS: The National Force thing. Loki told us to rescue you. Why?

DL: I have no earthly idea why the God of Lies would do anything. What are you trying to imply?

SS: How did he know you needed rescuing?

DL: Jeepers, if only there was a Norse god whose entire job was to stand at the edge of Asgard, watch the Nine Realms, and report on what he saw. We could call him…Heimdall.

FN: That was the hottest thing I think I’ve heard you say.

SS: Why would he be looking for you?

DL: Something about me attracts the crazies, I guess. Loki, Barnes, Wilson, you. The list goes on.

FN: That was your one question, sir. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

A whooshing sound.

FN: So, uh, do all your dates get interrupted by strange dudes in capes?

DL: I really, really hope not.

Chapter Text

Recording with spdier man
Today, 3:00 PM

DL: Alright, let’s get this shit started.

PP: Um. Why are you recording this?

DL: I have a bad memory. Rest assured this will not be shared with anybody stupid and/or media-related. What’s your real name?

PP: Um. [pause] What’s this?

DL: An NDA. I literally can’t release this now. Not that I’d want to. You’re what, fifteen, sixteen? I get caught endorsing this shit, I could not only lose my career, I could go to prison. People like me don’t do well in prison.

PP: Um…

DL: Overeducated and mouthy kinds of people don’t do well in prison, kid. Name?

PP: Peter. Peter Parker.

DL: How old are you?

PP: …Fifteen.

DL: [sigh] Please tell me you’re almost sixteen.

PP: Next week. Why?

DL: Because at 16, you can work as many hours as you want. I mean, technically you can’t work a hazardous job for two years, but this is better than nothing. Don’t work more than, like, ten hours this week. And sign this.

PP: What is this?

DL: An I9 form. You can’t sign the Accords unless you’re legal, so instead I’m registering you as an employee of my department. You’re working on commission, which means that I will give you money if I need you to do things beyond, you know, here.

PP: Um.

DL: Any questions?

PP: Why does Mr. Stark think you’re the devil?

DL: Because I punched him. I will go on this completely off-the-record record and say that he deserved it and he was being a dick.

PP: Why did you punch him?

DL: He deserved it, and he was being a dick. He told me that I didn’t understand the situation in the Middle East, especially when it relates to superheroes. I literally have a PhD in this shit. Like I said, he deserved it.

PP: Oh. Okay.

DL: Cool. So, you’re legal, right? You’re not some weird-ass foreigner who’s crazy good at doing an American accent? Hey, it happens more than you think.

PP: Yeah, I’m American?

DL: Send me a picture with your passport. So, no more questions?

PP: Um. I don’t think so?

DL: Cool. I actually have a meeting with Namibia right now. You can find your own way out, right? Here’s my card. Email me if you have any questions. Call me if something scary or supervillainy is happening. I’m your new point of contact, not Tony Stark. And don’t do anything stupid. You legally can’t deal with mines, poison, or heavy machinery.

PP: Mines?

DL: The coal kind, not the land kind. There’s actually not a law about land mines, because the US still refuses to sign that damn resolution. Um. Don’t get blown up by a land mine either, though. Terrible publicity. Bye.

PP: Bye.

Spider-Man <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

Mr. Stark,

I talked with Darcy Lewis. She signed me up as an employee of the department? Because I can’t—won’t sign the accords.

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

That’s devilishly brilliant. We never should have put her in charge.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Spider-Man <[email protected]>

Subj: The Sokovia Accords

Hi Ms. Lewis,

I have to write a paper for my government class about the Sokovia accords, and it needs to be on why there was such a divide between the government and the Avengers. Can you help me out?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: The Sokovia Accords

Don’t call me Ms. Lewis. One, I have a doctorate. Two, it makes me sound old, or like I’m being judged by the old ladies at my church. It’s Darcy.

In short form: the government didn’t like power on this level in the hands of not the government, when at any moment someone could flip or be mind controlled or what have you. The Avengers didn’t like power on this level in the hands of not them because HYDRA existed (and because Cap is a whiny man-child who, despite being born in 1919, embodies all of our post-WWII feelings on interventionism). I wrote an article about why I don’t trust them a couple months ago in the times. Check that out.

Also, I’m not here to do your freaking homework. Don’t contact me again unless it’s important.

Darcy

Spider-Man <[email protected]>

Re: Re: The Sokovia Accords

Darcy,

Can I ask one more question?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: The Sokovia Accords

If you must.

Spider-Man <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: The Sokovia Accords

Why did Mr. Stark say that we never should have put you in charge? Weren’t you elected by the UN?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Sokovia Accords

…If the cops ask you for information on Tony Stark’s murder, keep that detail to yourself.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: My Employment

Why does Tony Stark seem to think he was responsible for getting me my job?

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: My Employment

Did he tell you this?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: My Employment

It doesn’t matter who told me, Thaddeus. Did Tony Stark force you to hire me?

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: My Employment

Look, don’t tell anyone I told you this.

I had been thinking about retiring from the Secretary of State position to focus on the Accords, but then I got an email from a group called The Illuminati. I thought it was a joke at first, but then I saw who had signed the email. They encouraged me to retire from the UN and name you as my successor. When I explained that you’d never say yes if I did that, they told me to find a way to make you the new leader. I did what I had to.

I don’t know why they wanted you in charge, specifically, but the people who signed it were Tony Stark, Stephen Strange, Reed Richards, Blackager Boltagon, Namor the Sub-Mariner, and T’Challa of Wakanda.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: My Employment

Thank you for telling me.

Chapter Text

Jane Foster
Today, 1:13 AM

Okay, what’s going on?

I’m fine.

You don’t snapchat sad pictures of the moon when you’re fine, Darcy.

Fine, I’m upset

Why?

I just found out that ross tricked me into taking this fucking job
because the illuminati fucking told him to
I’m going to be fine, Jane. I’m just pissed.

At least they thought you were qualified?

Not helping, Jane.

Mom
Today, 7:15 AM

So what are you going to do about it?

Do about what?

Jane filled me in. What are you going to do about it?

Um
Probably nothing
I can’t really do a lot. “Oh no, Tony stark got me the job I decided I wanted!”

That’s not the whole story, and you know it
What is it that nana always says?

Eat a cookie and go to bed, you’ll feel better tomorrow?

No, the other thing

I have no idea. Nana says a lot of weird crap

I remember!
Don’t get mad, get even

…when the hell did Nana say that?

Oh, Nana Darcy was a badass. Haven’t you heard her stories about the cold war?

Ian Boothby
Today, 8:04 AM

Jane filled me in

Oh my god, did you people activate a phone tree or something?

A what?

You’re not that much younger than me, Ian
I know you know what a phone tree is

Okay, but when that works it’s hilarious
Also, what the hell do you care who put you in charge?
I can also tell you that Canada, South Korea, and Bhutan voted against your appointment

Canada voted against me??

Everett Ross was born in Ottawa.

Fucker.
Wait, how do you know this?

Maggie keeps up with a bunch of UN ambassadors.

It’s the principle of the thing, Ian. First, that tehre is a secret group that thinks they can control the world. Second, that they think they can do it better behind my back. Third, that nobody else seems to think this is problematic.

No, it’s problematic.
But so what? You’re in charge. Shut them down.

Group: Betty, Jane, & Ian
Today, 8:37 AM

I’m done sulking, so you can stop calling everyone I know
I need some help figuring out some things
First question: how do you get revenge on some of the most powerful men in the world?

JF: I’m 98% done inventing my own portal generator?

That’s…actually kind of terrifying. No.

BR: The Hulk owes me about three forgotten anniversaries’ worth of favors?

IB: Were none of you teenagers? You tell their mums or their girls and then you sit back and watch the carnage

For the last time, Ian, you are two years younger than me.
but that might buy me enough time to figure out phase two
I might tell Natasha, but what about the other guys?

JF: Betty went to college with Pepper Potts.

BR: Jane’s big married Reed Richards

IB: Right, like any of us actually know the supposed six most powerful men in the world.

IB: Wait what??

Your big was Susan Storm??

JF: I’ve mentioned Susie before, Darcy.

How was I supposed to know that “my big Susie” means “one of the most famous scientists on the planet”?

JF: Culver doesn’t graduate that many astrophysicists.

BR: Is Stephen Strange that weird doctor from new York that got in a car crash and then went off to Nepal a few years ago to “find himself?”

No idea. He’s the guy who looks like that dude from Sherlock, except aged up with bad facial hair.
Why?

BR: Cuz I went to college with his ex, too.

JF: Okay, so I looked up pictures of Namor the Submariner, and Susie definitely took him to formal her senior year. He is also literally the hottest guy I’ve ever seen.

BR: Hotter than Thor?

JF: Significantly.

BR: Oh, my god. I have to google this.

Well, that’s four?
Ish
What about the other two

JF: If we’re ignoring the fact that T’Challa is in love with you?

And we are.

JF: Probably his sister then? Or Okoye?

IB: I legitimately don’t think the Bolt ago guy exists

IB: *Boltagon

IB: He doesn’t even have a facebook page. My gran has a facebook page.

BR: Alternatively, you could just scare the crap out of them by showing up to their secret meeting place and making them cry.

And how do I find out where their meeting is

BR: Between Pepper, Christine, and Susan? I think we can find out.

Foggy Nelson
Today, 10:30 AM

Is something wrong?
I got a text from some number I didn’t know telling me you were sad

I’m fine
I might need a lawyer after I go to prison for murdering my best friend
But I’m fine

Fortunately, I know one or two good lawyers
Were you sad?

Yeah, but now I’m just pissed
Don’t worry

Anything I can do to help?

Not really
Ever heard of Blackager Boltagon?

Actually, yeah
I knew him in college
Why?

Wait, really?

Yeah
Weird dude. Never spoke.
Rumor had it, he took a vow of silence

That is weird.

Why does it matter?

No reason
I just found out he’s part of a secret group hell bent on running the world
And that they put me in power

He’s smarter than I gave him credit for, then
I just assumed he was an idiot
Or a psychopath

Jury’s still out on psychopath

Sue Storm <[email protected]>

Subj: My Idiot Husband

Hi Darcy,

Jane passed on what you’re trying to do. While I was very, very tempted to immediately call Reed on this and make him pay, I like the idea of you scaring the crap out of them more. I checked his schedule, and he has some sort of secret meeting on Friday in a place called Attilan?

Let me know when you’ve launched this attack. I want to be sure to time my own attack properly.

Sue

Virginia Potts <[email protected]>

Subj: What Tony’s Done Now

Darcy,

Coordinates for Attilan are 29.506549 and 82.814941, which is somewhere in the Himalayas. Pack warmly. I’m lending you my mini-plane, which should get you there no problem. Give them hell.

Pepper

Christine Palmer <[email protected]>

Subj: Can’t Help Much

Look, Stephen pops in and out whenever he wants to. I can’t tell you when or where his meeting is. All I know is he told me he’d be out of cell phone range from, like, midnight on Friday til 5 AM. New York Time.

When you see him, can you please remind him that he’s a doctor, not a—whatever this is. Oligarch?

Christine

Chapter Text

RECORDING BY F.R.I.D.AY.
FOR MR. ANTHONY STARK
UNAUTHORIZED VIEWERS WILL BE PROSECUTED

TS: I think we should get someone on the inside of the UN. I don’t trust Lewis—

The door opens.

DL: Oh, Tony. Don’t stop on my account. Why don’t we trust me?

SS: How did you get in here?

DL: Door was unlocked. See, it’s not fun when people barge in on your private meetings.

RR: How did you find us?

DL: Oh, it was a team effort. But between your wife, your fiancé, and your girlfriend, we managed to put it together. Hi, T’Challa.

T: Darcy. You’re looking well.

DL: So, who wants to tell me what the hell you think you’re doing? [pause] Fine, maybe I should tell you what the hell I think you’re doing. I think you’re disobeying international law and violating the Sokovia Accords—which, by the way, half of you personally signed. I think you’re guilty of influencing the appointment of an impartial official, cronyism, and, if we’re laying all of our cards on the table, collusion with a foreign government. I think that if you do this again, I will devote every ounce of my not-inconsiderable resources to ruining your personal and professional lives. Oh, and I’ll get you thrown in prison. That’s what I think. Comments?

N: Marry me.

At the same time:

T: She doesn’t date those with powers, Namor./DL: Actually, I’m seeing someone.

T: What?

N: Worth a try. It is not often that I meet such a beautiful woman threatening to send me to prison.

DL: Uh…okay.

T: When did you start seeing someone?

DL: Not that it matters, since you have no right to comment on my personal life, a few weeks. And no, he’s not super either. I told you. I don’t do that.

SS: You’re still with the lawyer?

T: Lawyer?

SS: Some New York lawyer named Nelson, I think. I don’t remember thinking it would last.

DL: I’m surprised you remembered anything, considering last time we met, you were plastered. Yes, I am still with the lawyer. And if any of you bother him, I will hurt you.

TS: As fascinating as Lewis’s love life is, can we get back to the matter at hand?

RR: And how do you propose you, quote, ruin our lives? We put you into power, and we can remove you easily.

DL: Ooh, off the top of my head? Presuming that you’ve taken me out of power and I can’t just throw you in prison for violation of the Accords? Well, I can tank Baxter and Stark. I can bury Wakanda in political obscurity and economic sanctions. Actually, worse, I can start a war with Wakanda and the US. Should be much more damaging. I can tell the Nepali government about this place. Hell, I could tell China and India this place is a threat and get them to destroy it. I can get your medical license revoked, and then throw you in prison for traveling without a passport. Maybe have you arrested for terrorism in Hong Kong. Oh, I will get the Iron Man suits taken away, that goes without saying. I, uh, don’t actually know how to ruin your life, sir, as you live in the ocean and that’s harder for me to police, but I can get legislation passed that will legalize dumping chemicals into the ocean. No, better, I’ll produce and fund a TV show called “Namor the Little Mermaid” where I take your badass, sexpot image and turn you into a beloved children’s character. And, of course, I’ll turn Pepper and Susie and Christine against you, as well as any new girlfriends. Off the top of my head.

T: Badass, sexpot image?

DL: I just call it like I see it.

N: You know, if your relationship doesn’t work out—

DL: No.

TS: You can’t get my suits taken away.

DL: Yes, I can. The Arc Reactor was developed under a government contract. The only reason it didn’t work last time was because Stern realized halfway through your hearing that the suit in possession of a batshit alcoholic was a much better way to fuck up the world.

RR: …How do you know that?

DL: I read his autobiography. Heil Hydra: How Joining a Hate Group Launched Me to Greatness. Fascinating read, I highly recommend. Did…did you guys not? That seems like a gross oversight. Seeing as, you know, it’s literally a look into your enemy’s methods and means.

RR: So you took his word?

DL: Sure. His, and a number of lawyers’. I check my facts. I was in academia. So, now here’s what’s going to happen. If you all meet again, or try to make…anything happen without the express permission from the Sokovia Accords—that is, myself—I will make you suffer. You put me in charge, boys. And I hope you learn to regret that decision. Capisce?

N: You can make me regret my decisions any time.

T: Subtle.

DL: Oh, my god. I have to get out of here. Anyway. Just wanted to give you a heads-up. I’m watching, and I will ruin you if you piss me off. Bye.

The door closes.

TS: What the fuck do we do?

T: You may do whatever you want, Tony. I am going home.

RR: T’Challa—

T: She’s right. We are breaking international law, and for what? We’ve put her in power, and that’s it. Other than that, we have accomplished nothing.

SS: We caught Loki.

T: Because he allowed us to! Likely, because of her! [pause] There is no need for us to collaborate, Tony. It won’t prevent another schism in your ranks. It simply gives us a place to air grievances and pretend we matter.

N: You have a point. I, too, will return to my lands and people. Perhaps one day, there will be more of a need.

BB: [through an interpreter] They are right.

TS: Not you, too.

BB: [through an interpreter] You know they are.

TS: I—fine. Let’s all go home and pretend we feel safe in Lewis’s care. Clearly, I’ve been outvoted.

The door opens and closes.

RR: We could keep meeting…?

SS: It’s not worth it. Not without their support, or with Lewis breathing down our necks.

TS: Then we get rid of her. Simple as that.

Chapter Text

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Subj: A Favor

I need some help. Darcy Lewis is a thorn in my side, and I would like her to not be. Can you make some noise while I do some digging?

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: A Favor

Why? I thought you were totally in favor of the Sokovia Accords. As far as I can tell, Darcy Lewis seems to be doing everything you expected her to do. She even managed to get Steve off the streets.

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: A Favor

Suffice it to say, I don’t approve of her methods.

Look, do it and I’ll soup up your wings.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: A Favor

Fucking deal.

Buzzfeed News

The Falcon Seen Flying Around Berlin

Jane Foster
Today, 10:15 AM

What is the Falcon doing in Berlin?

Dive bombing my fucking window
I’m going to kill him, Jane

Why?

Because. He’s dive bombing. My fucking window.
He has speakers. He’s been playing in Your Eyes for an hour and a half.

No, not that. Why is he dive bombing your window?

Apparently, he’ll only surrender if I go out with him.
I shit you not.

Are you going to do it?

No
I think it’s a trap

I think you’re paranoid.

It’s only paranoia if you’re wrong
I’m just saying, the guy spent six months on the run and now he’s decided he’s so in love with me, he has to give himself up?
Like, I’m pretty hot, but I’m not “give up your freedom” hot

Fair point.

Hey!

What? You said it.

Yeah, but you’re my best friend. You’re supposed to say “no darcy you’re hot enough to make a hundred superheroes to surrender
“

Yeah, but I’d hate to lie to you.

You suck

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: This Asshole

Everett—

I need you to figure out where the hell Scarlet Witch is. Stat.

Everett Ross <[email protected]>

Re: This Asshole

Why?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: This Asshole

Because pretty much the only thing we’ve heard about Sam Wilson for the last six months is that he and Wanda Maximoff have been hanging. Now that one of them is being a grade-a nuisance, I want to know what the other one is doing.

Honestly, I thought you were pretty smart. None of this screams “trap” to you?

Everett Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: This Asshole

I will look for her. But I need Abigail’s help.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: This Asshole

Fine.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: You in Berlin?

Hi Hope,

You’re probably not, but I figured I’d ask. I’ve got a pretty pesky bird problem outside my office, and I’d really like him gone. Unfortunately, I’ve been told that I can’t tase someone when they’re two hundred feet up.

Hope Van Dyne <[email protected]>

Re: You in Berlin?

No, sorry. I’m in California. Have you tried pepper spray?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: You in Berlin?

No. Something something “no chemical weapons.”

God, working for the UN sucks sometimes. I get why people go evil.

Hope Van Dyne <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: You in Berlin?

That really sucks, I’m sorry. If he’s still there tomorrow, I’ll fly out.

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Subj: Berlin

What the hell are you doing? Are you that desperate to date the consultant?

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Berlin

Stark said he’d upgrade my wings if I made some noise and distracted Darcy. I’ve got Wanda watching my six, in case something goes wrong or we need a bigger distraction.

I’m surprised you’re keeping tabs on what I’m doing. Isn’t today the last day of Barnes’s trial?

Steve Rogers <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Berlin

Jury’s deliberating. Jen says we probably have another few hours.

Why does Stark need a distraction, anyway?

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Berlin

I dunno. All he said was, he doesn’t approve of her methods.

The New York Times

James “Bucky” Barnes Acquitted of All Charges

James Barnes <[email protected]>

Subj: Acquitted

Hey doll,

Now that I’m acquitted, how do I sign up to work for you?

Bucky

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Acquitted

I don’t have time for your shenanigans today.

James Barnes <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Acquitted

No shenanigans. Just a recently-acquitted supersoldier looking for some good, honest work now that “killing the enemies of HYDRA” didn’t pan out. Terrible severance package.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Acquitted

I don’t pay.

James Barnes <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Acquitted

Perfect. I need some pro-bono charity work to ease my conscience.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Acquitted

Hypothetical question: if some asshole with wings was swooping around outside playing Peter Gabriel on loop for three hours, how would you get them to stop?

James Barnes <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Acquitted

What are his demands?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Acquitted

Go on a date with him.

James Barnes <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Acquitted

Damn, there goes my plan for wooing you.

In all seriousness, though? I can be there in ten hours and kick his ass for you. Call it a try out, if you will.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Acquitted

Thanks, but no thanks. If I just ignore it, it might go away.

I will consider your proposal. Have a good day.

Jane Foster
Today, 4:32 PM

Okay I seriously am about to give in

Is he still playing In Your Eyes?

Yes
Help me

Do you want me to set up a portal and transport him to Asgard?

I’m pretty sure that’s illegal
Wait did you get that working properly now

Ines helped me tweaked a formula and now I can open a portal.
I just can’t control where it goes yet.

I’m definitely sure that’s illegal

You law-abider.
Hey, what about an EMP?

Because sending a grown-ass avenger plummeting 200 feet sounds like a great idea?

Fair point.
Maybe you should give in.

No! You’re supposed to talk me out of this!

Well, I’m out of ideas.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

National Enquirer

SPOTTED: Sam Wilson at Intimate Dinner with UN Consultant!

               Sam Wilson, the Falcon of the Avengers, was spotted at Berlin’s cozy Heising—a very popular (and expensive!) restaurant near the UN’s Sokovia building! Even more juicy: the girl is Darcy Lewis, the buxom brunette most famous for her wild Nairobi date with King T’Challa of Wakanda! Seems like our girl has a type!

Chapter Text

Ian Boothby
Today, 9:15 AM

Ian Boothby has shared a link

Hahahahaha
This is even funnier than the last time
Though they don’t seem to know you got a promotion

Don’t you start
The man spent eight hours being obnoxious outside my window. It was either give into the date or jump out the window myself

How obnoxious

Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” levels of obnoxious

Why?

Apparently he’s a say anything fan
And before you pull the “I’m two years younger than you” bullshit, it’s a movie from the eighties

Hahaha
How was the date?

I told him if he pulled this shit again, I’d tase the crap out of him

What’d he say?

He laughed
Ian, how do I get to the point where he never does this again

Try blasting Toto

Excuse me?

“Africa” by Toto
Fight fire with fire

But then how do I get any work done?

Please. How long have we been friends?
I know you love Africa

Dammit you’re right

Foggy Nelson
Today, 11:30 AM

So uh, should I be worried?

About Sam Wilson?
Only about my possible arrest for his murder

Why?

He spent eight hours flying outside my window playing freakin Peter Gabriel
This was the fastest way to get him to shut up

Aha
I’m sorry

Oh god
He’s back
Hang on

Still Peter Gabriel?

Actually, it’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You”
God, I miss Heath Ledger

Well, at least this is a better song
What are you going to do?

Blast Toto’s Africa until he leaves
If that doesn’t work, I’m playing Barbie Girl
And then Nickelback

Wow, you UN people really don’t fuck around.

Eight. Hours.
Plus, I had to have dinner with him!
I spent the whole time worrying that Scarlet Witch was gonna ambush me!

Yikes
Hey, when are you in New York again?

A month? Maybe sooner if someone fucks up

I can’t wait

Everett Ross
Today, 11:45 AM

What is that infernal racket?

Toto
Sam Wilson is back, and I cannot go on a date with him again
My boyfriend will kill me

I need to call down to the Security Council and figure out if this is a violation of the Geneva Convention

I’m not violating the Geneva convention!
…out of curiosity, how do I get you to not call them

I want a raise
And more responsibility

You’re already basically my right hand man!
I trust you with shit I’d never trust Abby or Lorna or etc
What the hell more responsibility could you possibly want?

I want to run the subcommittee on New York vigilantes.

We don’t have a subcommittee on New York vigilantes.

I want you to start one.
Also, did you change the music?

Barbie girl. Sam appeared to be enjoying Toto too much
So, what, you’d watch over spiderman and daredevil?

And Luke Cage and Jessica Jones and Danny Rand and that guy in the cape.

Have we determined that the cape guy’s from New York?
You know what? Not the point.
Fine. But you have to help me get rid of this bewinged bastard

I’ll need this in proper writing.
But give me twenty minutes and I can get rid of your pest.

The Washington Post

BREAKING—Avenger Sam Wilson Arrested in Berlin for Failing to Submit a Flight Plan

Jane Foster
Today, 12:30 PM

Couldn’t you have just arrested him for breaking the Sokovia accords?

Last time this office tried that, they got destroyed by the liberal media
This way, nobody can argue with this conviction

I thought he agreed to leave you alone if you went on that date with him?

Wasn’t enough, apparently
Hence why I think it’s a trap

So now what?

Now we wait and see what Scarlet Witch does

And if she doesn’t?

Then we walked right into his diabolical plan
Though honestly I don’t think they’re smart enough to come up with something this fiendish
They thought hiding in Ottawa was an intelligent move
Like, it’s Canada, not the moon
They have the internet

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Subj: Bail Me Out

I’m in the Berlin city prison. We need to come up with a new plan.

Also, bring euros.

Wanda Maximoff <[email protected]>

Re: Bail Me Out

y do i need to bail u out? u said ur plan was to leak ur wrongful conviction to the press and have lewis deal with the resulting storm

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Bail Me Out

Things changed. She got me arrested for unauthorized flight instead, which is technically true and legal. If the newspapers go to fight for us here, they’ll be discredited in a heartbeat.

Look, come bail me out and we can come up with a new plan.

Foggy Nelson
Today, 3:32 PM

I'm coming to the US next week, I think
Canada is being stupid, and I can swing at least a weekend while I talk down Trudeau

How would you feel about getting dinner with a friend of mine while you’re here?

I already told you, I’m totally fine meeting Marci, as long as you swear that I’m prettier and more geopolitically valuable than her

And I told you that you weren’t meeting Marci until I was sure that New York would survive the two of you teaming up.
No, I want you to meet my friend Matt

Matt? Matt the guy who you started the firm with who turned out to be kind of a huge dick? That Matt?

He’s been my best friend since college.

Sure, I’d love to meet him
But if he’s acting like a dick, I will tell him

He’ll be on his best behavior
And I hope you will be, too

Fine
But that’s going to be difficult if Trudeau keeps being a little bitch

I appreciate your sacrifices for the good of the world

Jane Foster
Today, 6:41 PM

Are you stressed out because of the Trudeau thing or because of the Wilson thing?

What makes you think I’m stressed out?

You just Tweeted “uuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhh.”

Okay, so I’m kind of stressed out
But it’s not about the Trudeau thing, or the Wilson thing

What is it?

Foggy wants me to meet his friend Matt
Also, what are you doing on twitter? You hate twitter

Inez keeps track for me, if only so I know if Neil deGrasse Tyson wants to start shit with me again.
Wait, is Matt the dick that he opened the first practice with?

Yeah
Oh god, are you and Neil fighting again?

No. And if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll keep it that way.
Hey, you’re at the “meet the friends” point! That’s cool!

You still don’t get to meet him yet

Damn it.

Chapter Text

Everett Ross
Today, 7:20 AM

Answer your phone.

I can’t
I’m on a call with the Philippines
Why?

Because Sam Wilson is in our lobby, and he wants to discuss terms of surrender.

Are you shitting me?

No.

Why the fuck would he do that?
Someone, get me some fucking eyes on Scarlet Witch
You, get him to fill out forms or something. Make him wait an hour or two
Maybe he’ll get sloppy

You just want to finish your call with the Philippines, don’t you?

I don’t know why he thinks he’s my biggest priority right now, considering the state of the world.
I’m like three hours away from beating this man down and getting him to agree with me.

Fine. I will stall for you.
But I’m pulling Lorna.

Why the hell would you need Lorna?

She majored in Creative Writing.
I need someone to write the forms. As it stands, we only have eight.

Fine.
But pass her stuff off to Stuart

Name: Samuel Thomas Wilson

Alias: “Falcon”

Age: 38

Nationality: American

Date of Birth (YYYY/MM/DD): 1978/09/23

Current Permanent Address:

Current Temporary Address:

Emergency Contact (General):

Emergency Contact (Kidnapping):

Emergency Contact (Fire):

Emergency Contact (Life-Threatening Work-Related Injury):

Emergency Contact (Non-Life-Threatening Work-Related Injury):

Emergency Contact (Typhus, Measles, Tuberculosis, Malaria, etc):

Emergency Contact (Cancer):

Emergency Contact (Robots):

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Subj: Current Temporary Address

What’s the address of that hotel we stayed at two nights ago?

Wanda Maximoff <[email protected]>

Re: Current Temporary Address

stralauer allee 3

y

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Current Temporary Address

In order to surrender, I apparently have to fill out nineteen separate forms in triplicate.

Wanda Maximoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Current Temporary Address

there stallin u

its a trap

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Current Temporary Address

A trap for what?

Wanda Maximoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Current Temporary Address

idk

Mom
Today, 9:05 AM

I just had a fascinating call with one of your friends.

Mom, I really don’t have time to chat about why Kamala keeps hitting you up for money, except to say that it’s her job as “Gamma Rho Alumnae Relations”
I’m on a very stressful call with the Philippines and I have an avenger waiting in my lobby to “discuss surrender”

What a coincidence! Mine’s about an Avenger, too.

What?

Tony Stark just called me. Apparently, you won an award
He’s coming over tomorrow to interview me about you.

What??????

I thought that would interest you.

Why did you accept??

I want to see if he remembers me.

Define “remembers me.”

We hooked up a couple of times in college.

WHAT THE FUVK
HE GRADUATED COLLEGE AT SEVENTEEN

Oh, honey. It’s not like I was his first.
He wasn’t mine, either.

MOM!!!!!

Honey, I have had sex. You should know this. You were the result of it.
Besides, don’t you want to know what he wants to know about you?

I want to not know about your sex life!!!

Don’t worry, sweetie. There’s no way he’s your father.
Though I wonder if I’ll tell him that…

What about dad???

Your father would have thought this was hilarious

…probably

Everett Ross
Today, 9:13 AM

He’s getting suspicious. You need to act now.

Dude, I have two more hours before anything can feasibly come out of this call
Also, my mom just told me that she fucked Tony Stark in college
Fucking tell him you’re my liason and find out what the fuck he wants

*Liaison

If you’re going to be a pedantic ass about it, I will cut you

Recording with S. Wilson
Today, 9:21 AM

SW: I told you, I am only talking to Darcy Lewis.

ER: Unfortunately, Dr. Lewis is on a very important call with the Philippines, and it is of international importance. I am her liaison and thus authorized to discuss terms with you.

A pause.

ER: Dr. Lewis would much prefer to be handling this herself, but the President of the Philippines is incredibly stubborn and refuses to compromise. She should be ready in about two hours if you would like to wait.

SW: Prove it.

ER: She works down the hall, if you would like to ask her yourself.

The door opens and closes. A pause. The door opens again.

SW: Fine. Let’s talk.

ER: You look uncomfortable.

SW: She threw a lamp at my head.

ER: Ah. Please begin at your leisure.

SW: I, uh, I’m tired of running.

ER: Interesting. What made you change your mind?

SW: What?

ER: You’ve now been on the run for six months. Was there anything in particular that…set this off?

SW: Oh. Um. I hadn’t—

ER: Hm?

SW: I hadn’t put the thought into words, I guess.

ER: Mm.

SW: It gets to be exhausting, traveling around constantly. With only one person who understands. Never knowing when they might catch up to you.

ER: Yes. And Wanda Maximoff, will she be surrendering as well?

SW: Excuse me?

ER: You two have been traveling together, have you not?

SW: Yes…

ER: You listed her as your emergency contact in cases of kidnapping or fire.

SW: Yes.

ER: I naturally assumed that you two had discussed this prior to your arrival here.

SW: Oh. Right.

ER: Was I wrong?

SW: No.

ER: So, will Ms. Maximoff be turning herself in as well?

SW: No.

ER: May I ask why not?

SW: Why, you gonna pressure her, too?

ER: Absolutely not. Mr. Wilson, do you think we are pressuring you?

SW: I—

ER: It is Dr. Lewis’s goal that we no longer pressure superheroes to do anything—it sets poor precedents and creates bad blood when we need to work together. We simply hope to understand what trust issues remain between us and you, then work together to overcome them.

SW: …Why?

ER: We both want the same things, Mr. Wilson. Peace, harmony, cooperation.

SW: So did HYDRA.

ER: HYDRA wanted control. We want the opposite. In fact, I believe it is Dr. Lewis’s dream for the department to one day become obsolete. But we’re getting off-topic. So, your surrender.

SW: …yes.

ER: You do still want to discuss terms, don’t you?

SW: I—can I come back tomorrow?

ER: Certainly. Let me schedule an appointment with Dr. Lewis for you. Any particular time?

SW: Um. Morning.

ER: How about 10:30 AM?

SW: Yeah, sure. Whatever.

ER: Perfect. You have been scheduled. If you go down to reception, Eric will have your badge ready for you.

SW: Bye.

ER: I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

Everett Ross
Today, 9:38 AM

He’s gone. You’re welcome.
He might be back tomorrow, but I doubt it.

What? How?

I made him very uncomfortable with my ruthless politeness.

Thank god.
I don’t have time for this, I really don’t

You’re welcome.

Yeah yeah
Thanks to you too

Jane Foster
Today, 12:21 PM

I just got off a six hour phone call
Why do I do this

Something something fixing the world?
I think you just realized it pays more than academia.

McDonald’s pays more than academia.

You’re not wrong.
Hey, I actually sent a mini Einstein-Rosen bridge where I wanted it!
We’ll be at people soon.

OMG congrats!!!
What’s soon in science, though?

10-15 years, probably?
Maybe longer.

That. That is why I did polisci.

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Current Temporary Address

You were right. It was a trap.

Wanda Maximoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Current Temporary Address

told u

wut did they want

Sam Wilson <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Current Temporary Address

I’m not sure.

But I think they wanted you.

Chapter Text

James Barnes <[email protected]>

Subj: That job

Hey doll,

I wasn’t kidding about wanting to work for you. I have a lot of good qualities for an employee, not the least of which is that I look damn good in a uniform. Think about it.

Bucky

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: That job

As true as that may be, hiring you is more trouble than it’s worth. You may have been acquitted, but you still shot JFK. You don’t inspire confidence when I go to meet with other world leaders.

Call me doll again, and I’ll break your kneecaps.

James Barnes <[email protected]>

Re: Re: That job

I’m very good at covert work, as well. Just give me a shot.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: That job

I don’t have covert work. I’m at the UN, not MI6. Everything I do is above-ground and independently verified.

If you are desperate for employment, I understand that Tony Stark has been known to hire veterans. I am sure that Captain Rogers would write you a recommendation. Alternatively, I’m sure there are several mobsters who are looking for muscle.

James Barnes <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: That job

Think of me as a practical deterrent to people fucking with you.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: That job

Thanks, but no thanks. I think my personality is enough of a deterrent.

Look, my job is mostly calling people and trying to broker some semblance of cooperation with them. It’s not exciting. You would hate it.

James Barnes <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: That job

Isn’t that my decision?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: That job

Not if I have to put up with your bored ass.

Talk to Secretary Ross. [email protected]. You’ll like his work a lot more than you’d like mine.

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Subj: Help

I need you to get me a DNA sample, and it needs to be as secret and quiet as you feasibly can. I am not ready for word of this to get out.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Help

From who, and for what?

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Help

Darcy Lewis.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Help

Why? Did you link her to HYDRA?

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Help

I think she might be my daughter.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Mom
Today, 5:01 PM

I may have taken it a little bit too far.

Define “too far”

Well, my plan was to just spend the whole time showing him your baby pictures.
Unfortunately, I’d forgotten that your father took all the pictures.

So?

So I was a little more successful than I’d planned with convincing him that you’re his daughter.

Oh god
Mom!

Well, I hooked up with him just before I met your father
And, as you know, that was a whirlwind courtship
And then we got pregnant so fast, and you were a premie
So the math technically checks out

MOM!!!

You’re not his!

MOM!!!!!!!!!
I really really don’t want to hear about this

Just a heads up!
One little request though?

What

Don’t tell him the truth just yet, I want to watch him panic

Ian Boothby
Today, 5:21 PM

My mother is insane

What? I liked your mum
What did she do?

Apparently she’s convinced Tony Stark that I’m his child

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

It’s not funny!

It’s pretty funny
I wouldn’t complain if it put me in line to get those Stark billions

That is completely unprofessional!
And, frankly, it’s not cool to my dad

Didn’t you say that your dad once claimed he was the third cousin of Queen Elizabeth to get out of a parking ticket?

He only did that once
In America, it was much easier to pretend he was Paul McCartney’s nephew
But how would you feel if Maggie pretended that your child was Captain America’s?

Honestly, I’d probably laugh
Your dad knew you were his, and so do you
Why not let Tony Stark sweat a bit?

I guess

Why was he visiting your mom anyway?

Some bullshit excuse about my winning an award

So why did he really visit your mom?

I have no effing clue
Fuck

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Subj: Bakery Crawl

Hey Darcy,

I got an email about a bakery crawl this Saturday through Kreuzberg. Do you want to go with me?

Natasha

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Bakery Crawl

Hey Natasha,

Though you know how I love bakery crawls, I can’t this weekend. I’m flying back to the US on Wednesday, and I’ll be there at least until Tuesday. If you’re looking for a buddy, though, I bet Lorna would be up for it. She’s always saying she doesn’t know anything about the city.

Darcy

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Help

I tried. She’s going to the US on Wednesday. You can try and get the sample there.

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Help

I thought you were a superspy? How were you unable to get a damn DNA sample?

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Natasha Romanoff <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Help

If you want an uncontaminated DNA sample within the next week, you can get it yourself. I’m not going to hurt myself helping you eliminate the possibility that you have a daughter.

1-(212)-555-8391
Today, 8:44 PM

I heard you’re going to be in the US this week. Let’s get dinner.

Who is this?

It’s Tony Stark

Then no
How did you get my number?

I’m Tony Stark.

Please delete this number

Why not?

Because I don’t like you
And I don’t want to have dinner with you
Why does every power-mad asshole want to have dinner with me???

Who else wants to have dinner with you??

Why do you even want to have dinner with me? You don’t like me either.

What other power-mad asshole wants to have dinner with you?
Was it Namor?

No.
I’m not doing this with you. I already said I wasn’t going to dinner.
Isn’t that enough?

Was it Wilson?

He blackmailed me into a date once, so yeah him too

Who else?

Why do you care??
You don’t like me, I don’t like you.
Remember that time I punched you? I thought that said a lot about our relationship

Look, we’re going to be working together a lot. We might as well try to be civil to each other.

I can’t. All my nights in New York are booked.

Foggy Nelson
Today, 9:22 PM

Tony Stark just offered me $10,000 if I let him crash our date.

Are you shitting me?

Nope. And in cash too

I’m going to kill him.

Should I tell him to shove it?

Oh no. Take the cash. I can eviscerate him at dinner just fine.

There’s one problem
The only night he’s free is the night we’re getting dinner with Matt

Oh god
Fucking fuck shit
We could do two dinners?

What?

Two dinners
Matt at like 5 and Stark at 8

Two dinners?
Isn’t that kind of a lot?

On the plus side, we love food and Tony Stark will pay?

Yeah, why does Tony Stark want to get dinner with you so badly?

Oh yeah
My mom sort of convinced him that he might be my biological father

Oh

Yeah it’s very very weird

Now we’re definitely getting dinner with him

Chapter Text

Everett Ross
Today, 10:48 AM

Stop trying to get into my office
The locks are there for a reason

You’re not even working.
From what I can see, you are either napping or doing yoga.

How in god’s name could you mix those two up?

Corpse pose.
Now let me in, I have things to discuss.

No
I’m trying to erase the last six hours of my life
What the fuck does Denmark even have to get up in arms over?
The Thor debate was settled years ago!!

The “Thor” debate?

Is Thor technically a Danish citizen because that’s where his myths come from
They decided no, and gave him one of those global citizen passports

Interesting.
Fine. Since you won’t let me in, I will tell you over text.
I was informed by a friend of mine on the Berlin police force that Wanda Maximoff has just wreaked havoc on their police station. She destroyed records and emotionally terrorized and traumatized many officers. They want you down there ASAP.

Why the fuck would she do this?
And why the fuck would they want me down there?
Can’t I just text a quick “my bad”?

No.
Part of your job includes smoothing over attacks like this one.

You’re coming with me

Why?

Because I’m your boss and I said so
Also, I hate police stations

I have work.

Why would you think that’s a valid excuse after I just said “I’m your boss and I said so”

Fine, but you have to explain to Paraguay what’s taking so long.

Fucking deal, Paraguay loves me

11:13 AM

Where are you?

I stopped for a cupcake

Why?

I wanted a cupcake
Just go in without me, I’ll be there in two minutes

Natasha Romanoff
Today, 11:22 AM

Hey, I need you at the Berlin police station, stat.

Which station?

The one by that cupcakery that makes that super dry red velvet but the best cream cheese frosting we’ve ever had

Be there in ten.

Caped Dickwad
Today, 11:25 AM

You know how you owe me?

Excuse me? Who is this?

Darcy Lewis.
I repeat. You know how you owe me?

What do you want?

Get your glowy portaling ass to Berlin, I need your help

No.

No, you don’t get to say no. I need to get a civilian back from the scarlet witch and you’re going to help.

Why would you think I’d help you when I hate you?

Because you fucking owe me
And because if you don’t, you’re going to be on the hook for two hundred years of back taxes on your house in the Village

Are you blackmailing me?

Absolutely not.
I’m just letting you know that my cousin works for the IRS and I’m typing an email to him as we speak.

Fine.

Die Welt
UN Sokovia Taskforce Launches Hostage Rescue at Local Police Station

               BERLIN—Under the direction of Sokovia Taskforce Head Dr. Darcy Lewis and with the aid of Natasha Romanoff, Polizeipräsident Kraus, and an unnamed member of the Taskforce, the Avengers have rescued a high-ranking UN official from Wanda Maximoff. Maximoff is believed to have been using the official as a bargaining chip.

WHiH World News
UN Violates German Sovereignty In Attack on Police Station

By Christine Everhart

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: Your Recent Article

Hi Christine,

I am fascinated by the fact that your editors allowed you to publish this article, considering your editor-in-chief is more in favor of the Accords than I am. But more than your (clearly unverified by your fanatically pro-Accords superiors) article’s tone towards me, I am fascinated by the sheer lack of journalistic verification in your article.

To sum up: we coordinated with the German police force. We ran our plan past the requisite authorities. I spoke to Angela Merkel myself. Be honest when you slander or us, or tell your editors that their journalists are no longer allowed in my briefing room.

With all due respect,
Dr. Darcy Lewis, Ph.D.

Christine Everhart <[email protected]>

Re: Your Recent Article

Bite me.

DEPARTMENTAL MEMO

FROM THIS POINT ONWARD, OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH WHiH WORLD NEWS IS HEREWITH DISSOLVED. THEY WILL NOT BE PROVIDED WITH TIPS, SCOOPS, OR SPECIAL TREATMENTS OF ANY KIND.

CHRISTINE EVERHART IS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO ATTEND ANY BRIEFINGS.

Foggy Nelson
Today, 2:02 PM

Are you sure that banning Christine is the best move?

She lied!!
Also she’s a grade a bitch

Yeah but what if she comes back with something about how you’re stifling free press?

I asked her to check her facts and she responded bite me!!!
I am not in the wrong here.

I know that.
Do other newspapers?

Okay but I didn’t ban all of the WHiH people. I just banned her.
That has to be okay, right?

I don’t know anything about the media except what I learned on The West Wing, and from watching the news.
What do you think?

….Fuck

Actually, you know what I think?

What?

You make Ross handle this tomorrow while you beat some sense into Trudeau.

Oh my god.
I think I love you.

What?

Fuck.
I wasn’t supposed to say that yet.

Jane Foster
Today, 3:01 PM

I am having about six freakouts all at once here
Help

Okay, start from the top.

My mom accidentally convinced Tony Stark I’m his child and now we have to get dinner
The Winter Soldier wants a job
Everett kind of got kidnapped by the Scarlet Witch, no idea where she is right now
I’m now feuding with WHiH and Christine Everhart
This might get me in trouble with the free press
And I accidentally told Foggy that I thought I loved him

Wow.
I thought you were exaggerating, but that’s really six.

Helpful.

Let’s tackle this logically.
Step one: Foggy. Did he say anything?

Not yet

Is he a fast texter?

Not really, so I’m trying not to panic right now

When he responds, react accordingly.
Step two: Barnes. What did you tell him?

“Talk to Thaddeus, I don’t have time for this”

Not your problem anymore.
Step three: I think you should give Everett some time off, or a different sort of assignment for a bit. Being kidnapped is traumatic.

Jane, your boyfriend took you to meet his parents, it was not exactly a kidnapping

It still sucked.

Fair enough

Step four: Stark.

How many friggin stages are there?

Six.
Actually, probably four. I don’t understand journalists.

Yeah, I read your last interview. Did you actually punch that guy?

He needed to learn what “no comment” meant!

Yikes. Sorry I asked

Anyway, back to Stark. What if you just told him you weren’t his kid?

He wouldn’t believe me without DNA
Also, my mom thinks it’s funny for some reason

Well, that doesn’t surprise me. Didn’t your dad pretend to be Mick Jagger once to get into a Rolling Stones concert?

Okay, yes, my dad used to do this. That doesn’t make it okay!

Sorry I asked. Fine. Submit DNA. Problem solved.
You can stand up to your mother.

You’ve met my mother.

Never mind, you’re screwed.
Nice knowing you, Darcy Stark.

Foggy Nelson
Today, 1:01 AM

I’m so sorry I couldn’t respond. I was in court all day.
I think I love you too.
Can’t wait to see you. Two days.

Chapter Text

Everett Ross
Today, 8:55 AM

I have a job for you.

I already fixed the WHiH thing. It was pathetically easy.

How in the fuck did you swing that?

I called the editor and he retracted the story. I also rescinded your memo.

I should have thought of that
I have a different job for you

This doesn’t sound like busywork at all.
I told you. I’m fine.

Interestingly, I don’t believe you. It might be because Abby told me she asked you to pass the coffee, and you shrieked and threw it at her.

Abigail is notoriously sneaky.

It might also be because before I left, I saw that new temp installing a panic room
I’m sending you on an assignment.

Why?

Because I’m the boss and I get to
Wakanda needs an ambassador of sorts. I picked you because you seem like the least likely to make something implode. Have fun. Wear loose layers. It’s super hot, but the mosquitos are killer.

What if I say no?

Why would you say no? I gave you responsibility. I never give you responsibility.

Because I don’t want to be in such close proximity to another superhero.

Boy, are you in the wrong task force.

Can you please try to be a supportive boss after I was kidnapped and tormented?

Would you like to take a leave of absence?

No.

Then nut up and do your job.
Look. Lorna has zero language skills, and Abby never quite mastered the “I’m not trying to kill you” face. It’s either you or me, and I don’t want to.

Fine.
Two weeks, and I can pull the plug any time.

Fine. But if you do, you have to find the replacement.

Fine.

And you can’t just recommend Brent for it because you accidentally hit his car that one time in the parking lot

What if he’s the right person for the job?

Trust me. He’s not.

Unknown Number
Today, 9:44 AM

Asgard has fallen. We make for Earth.

Define “we”

Asgard.

This is literally the most catastrophically stupid idea you have ever had.
Worse than Germany, dude.

Why?

Because we have so many problems with overpopulation, transit across national borders, and illegal aliens already. We cannot possibly handle more.

No, hang on. I’ve been to your planet. There are vast tracts of your planet that are unpopulated. There was a very suitable one in the middle of your large city.

You can’t move into Central Park. It’s a fucking park.

But we need a home.

Do you have Google wherever the fuck you are?

I have Heimdall.

Ask him about the refugee crisis on Earth.
We have. Our own. Fucking. Problems.
Find a different planet.

But yours is perfect! People like us there!

People like Thor because he is white and inoffensive and he is super fucking hot.
You’re a war criminal.

What if I take a pardon?

They don’t excuse war criminals!
If you move in, I will consider it an invasion in violation of our treaty and constituting an act of war.

It’s a visit of goodwill.

Nice try. I still get to approve those. Denied.

Treaty is invalid. It was not signed by Odin.

Treaty is super valid. It was signed by a prince and the current ruler of Asgard

Oh no.

Maybe you shouldn’t have tried to take over the world.

No, not that. We’ve run into some trouble.

Define “trouble.”

Thanos.

What the fuck is a thanos???

1-(212)-555-8391
Today, 10:30 AM

What time are we getting dinner tomorrow?

8. You pick the restaurant.
   I want filet and good wine.

I was under the impression that I was to pick the restaurant.

You are, of course, able to choose whichever restaurant you so desire.
But I want filet and good wine, and I might as well tell you that up front.

Christine Everhart <[email protected]>

Subj: My impending unemployment

you bitch you fucking bitch you got me fired ill kill you

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Subj: Winter Soldier

Why would you send an ex-Soviet brainwashed soldier who shot a president to me?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Winter Soldier

It seemed like a better idea than putting him on my task force.

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Winter Soldier

Not by much. What am I supposed to do with him?

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Winter Soldier

You don’t have to do anything. You don’t even need to hire him. I just needed him to stop bothering me. My life is sort of imploding over here. Have you ever heard of a thanos?

Thaddeus Ross <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Winter Soldier

No.

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Winter Soldier

Fuck, me neither. That’s part of the problem.

Jane Foster
Today, 12:32 PM

Things got worse.

How could things have possibly gotten worse? It’s been a day.

Christine Everhart wants to kill me because apparently I got her fired
Ross doesn’t want to be a bro and get the Winter Soldier out of my hair
Trudeau is being a colossal fucktard
Oh yeah, and apparently Asgard blew the fuck up and they want to settle here
Plus apparently there’s something terrible out there called a thanos?
It’s noon, Jane. Noon.

But what did Foggy say?

“Sorry this is late, I was in court all day, I think I love you too”

How late?

11 hours or so.

He didn’t have five seconds to shoot off an “I love you too” text?

Jane, I have bigger problems right now.

Well, I don’t. I’m between papers right now.
And, for the record, I think it was a dick move.

Chapter Text

Margaret Carter
Today, 1:45 PM

I need your help

Anything. I’ve been bored all week.

Aren’t you in Acapulco?

I hate sand.
What can I do?

Justin Trudeau is being a fucking poophead about powered people
I just need him to sign the damn anti-discrimination forms, and I already promised that I would get that one soldier off his ass

I’ll handle this, give me twenty minutes

Marry me

Darling, I would have given half a chance

Ian Boothby
Today, 1:53 PM

Darcy Lewis has sent a picture

Hah, suck it, she likes me better

She actually married me!!!

A pity marriage, as we both know

…dammit

Stephen Strange <[email protected]>

Subj: Darcy Lewis Removal

Why is she still in power? I thought you had a plan, Stark. Last week, the woman blackmailed me.

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Darcy Lewis Removal

I can’t help but notice that you seem to expect me to do all the work in this removal. Why is that? Are you scared of her?

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Stephen Strange <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Darcy Lewis Removal

You said you had a plan! Well, it’s time to fill us in!

Reed Richards <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis Removal

I agree with Stephen. We need to know that there is a solid plan to remove her from leadership.

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis Removal

Look, I’ve been busy and distracted, okay. A crisis came up that I need to attend to.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Reed Richards <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis Removal

What sort of crisis could possibly be more important than this?

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis Removal

I went to meet with Lewis’s mother, to try and figure out a way to destroy her, and she told me that I was Lewis’s father. Until I can conclusively prove that I am not, everything takes a backseat.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Reed Richards <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis Removal

And how long is that supposed to take?

Stephen Strange <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis Removal

What are you going to do if she is?

Tony Stark <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis Removal

I don’t know. I’ll figure it out.

-------------
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Foggy Nelson
Today, 8:51 AM

What time do you land?

Four. I’ll meet you guys at the restaurant, just tell me where.

How was Canada?

Bad.

We don’t have to go to dinner

Would you like to explain that to Stark, or should I?

We don’t have to go to the first dinner

Look I’ll be there ok

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:12 PM

So I’m at this diner in Hells Kitchen and I can’t help but eavesdropping on the booth behind me…they’re discussing the Sokovia Accords but the guy won’t let the woman speak…

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:14 PM

“But if you believe in—”/“I don’t think you understand the nuances of the situation”

If she doesn’t slap him, I will.

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:15 PM

“Which nuances am I not understanding? The ones I consulted on, or the ones I actually wrote into the law?”

OHHH SHIIITTTTT Yass girl yassss

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:19 PM

Okay update there’s a third person in the booth who just asked the girl if “maybe she’s overreacting a little bit to what Matt is trying to say”

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:20 PM

“Which part? The part where he’s mansplaining my job to me, or the part where you don’t seem to be stopping him?”

TAKE. NO. SHIT.

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:22 PM

Lowkey I want to buy this girl a drink and then become best friends with her.

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:26 PM

Oh my god Tony Stark just sat down at their table

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:27 PM

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“If that’s the lawyer, you can definitely do better. Scoot over.”

DRAG HIM TONY STARK DRAG HIM

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:31 PM

Apparently they were getting dinner with Stark at 8 instead of now and the girl (Darcy?) is piiiiiiiiiiiiissed. Relatable tbh

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:35 PM

OMG now STARK is taking Matt’s side and she STILL can’t get a word in edgewise!

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:41 PM

“All of you shut up and listen to me right now.”

Oh shit things got real

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:42 PM

“You’re the most entitled pseudoliberal dick I’ve ever met. If you’re antigun you should be antisuperhero. They’re just guns with brains”

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:42 PM

“Also if you make another crack about me not understanding my literal fucking job, you’ll be eating that pie with a straw.”

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:43 PM

Can only assume that was for Matt

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:44 PM

“YOU need to stay the fuck out of my life, Stark. You don’t know me. Leave me. The fuck. Alone.”

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:44 PM

“Sorry I broke up your little club thing, but in my defense, it was violating international law. Stop it.”

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:45 PM

“What if I think you’re my daughter?”

WHAT THE FUCK?????

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:46 PM

“I don’t care if I am literally your personal Lord and Savior. Leave. Me. Alone.”

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:47 PM

I mean, like, drag him, but daughter? Heir to the Stark billions? Sign me the fuck up.

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:47 PM

“Honey, maybe we should—”

“No, I’m mad at you, too.”

Good, don’t take his shit @Darcy Stark or whoever you are

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:48 PM

“Thank you for not defending me to your exfriend or to Stark, that was great. It in no way made it clear to me that I didn’t matter to you.”

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:49 PM

“Also great? The 11 hours you couldn’t shoot off a love you too text. That was fan-fucking-tastic.”

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:49 PM

“Darcy—”

“Look, am I going to be a priority for you or not? Because I don’t have time for bullshit games anymore.”

The Dazzler @AlisonBlaireLive
Today, 5:50 PM

OMG she just walked out. This girl is my absolute fucking hero.

Jane Foster
Today, 5:52 PM

So that went about as poorly as expected.

I’m sorry. What happened?

Matt’s a dick
Stark showed up early
And Foggy is a spineless fuck
Also, every time I said something I could hear the chick in the other booth go “yasss girl yasss”

That’s weird.
I’m sorry.
Come down to Culver for the rest of the weekend?

I might, tbh
I don’t need this shit.

Damn straight.

Today, 10:04 PM

Bad news.

Oh god. Did Thor show up? I can’t handle this. I ate too much Dairy Queen.

You’re trending on Twitter.
Apparently, that woman in the other booth was live-tweeting it the whole time.

Fucking fucking fuck shit shit fuck bastard fuck

Chapter Text

1-(212)-555-8391
Today, 10:21 PM

I want a DNA sample

I want you to delete my number

Cute.
Don’t you want #DarcyStark to stop trending?

Just publicly deny it
Say she made up the whole damn story

But what if you are my kid?

Consider your loud and vehement denial to be my early birthday present
Besides, an open acknowledgement would hurt both of our agendas
Also also, I’m not

Give me the DNA sample, and I’ll deny the whole relationship

Fine. I’ll come by tomorrow, I guess

Great.
Incidentally, did you and the lawyer break up?

Goodbye.

NYPD Case 322-228-414-1
Interview with Victim

MK: Can you state your full name for the record?

DL: [sighs] Darcy Anna Lewis.

MK: Can you explain what happened?

DL: I’ve gone over this twice.

MK: One more time, for the record.

DL: Fine. I was walking back from Stark Tower when I felt Christine Everhart push a gun into my shoulder blades—

MK: What were you doing at Stark Tower?

DL: Does it matter?

MK: It could.

DL: I was dropping off a DNA sample.

MK: Why?

DL: …You clearly haven’t been on Twitter lately. They think Tony Stark is my father. He isn’t. That’s also not why Everhart wanted to kill me.

MK: That’s speculation.

DL: It’s the email I received from her that went something like, “You bitch you fucking bitch you got me fired I’ll kill you.”

MK: Mmhmm. Anyway, please continue with your account.

DL: Well, she demanded my cell phone and then directed me into this alley, where she started ranting all that shit that was in her email. You know, that I got her fired and that she was going to shoot me and so on. I just let her go on, honestly. I figured there wasn’t much shot of me kicking her ass. So that went on for, like, five minutes. And then Spider-Man showed up.

MK: Spider-Man? I thought Daredevil—

DL: He shows up later. First, it was Spider-Man. But the second he showed up, she shot at me, so that was great. I ducked, she missed. Then he felt awkward as shit, so he webbed the fuck out of the gun. And then her to a wall. Then Daredevil showed up.

MK: What happened then?

DL: Then they started arguing about who got to rescue me. So I just walked out of the alley and called the cops. Can I get my cell phone back, by the way? It was in Everhart’s purse.

MK: That’s it?

DL: I really don’t like dick-measuring contests.

MK: What about the superheroes?

DL: I actually have an agreement with Spider-Man. But since the government hasn’t filed sanctions against either, neither falls under my jurisdiction.

MK: Really?

DL: I can send you the relevant laws and agreements tomorrow.

MK: See that you do. Oh, and Ms. Lewis?

DL: What?

MK: Don’t leave town.

DL: Excuse me?

MK: We want to keep you on hand for the next few days, just in case something comes up.

DL: It’s pretty freaking open and shut.

MK: Indulge me.

DL: [sighs] I will give you one week. After that, I have to get back to work.

MK: I’ll let you know if we have any other questions.

DL: I’m sure you will. Am I free to go?

MK: Absolutely.

Foggy Nelson
Today, 1:31 PM

Are you okay?

Today, 1:43 PM

Look, I know you’re still mad at me for last night.
I heard what happened. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.

Today, 1:51 PM

How did you know something happened?

I have friends in the department.

Bullshit.

Darcy, I literally grew up next door to Sergeant Mahoney

Then you should probably know that he’s been on vacation for the last week or so.
Who told you?

Daredevil.

2:06 PM

At least tell me that you’re okay.

I’m okay.

Thank you.
I love you.

Facebook Messenger
Today, 5:48 PM

MJ: Don’t look
MJ: But Darcy Lewis is behind you
MJ: What the hell, I said don’t look!

Sorry, sorry. :PP
Darcy Lewis is the UN girl right :PP

MJ: Jesus, Parker, “the UN girl”
MJ: She runs the Sokovia Accords office, so she controls every superpowered individual.
MJ: She’s number four on Time’s list of the top 10 most powerful women, just below Beyonce and above Angela Merkle.

Who’s number one? :PP

MJ: Pepper Potts
MJ: Darcy Lewis is basically my hero.

Wait, really? :PP

MJ: Absolutely. Haven’t you seen what she’s pulled off?
MJ: She scares Tony Stark.

Do you want to meet her? :PP
Because I kind of know her. :PP
I met her during my Stark internship once or twice. :PP

MJ: Are you shitting me?

No. :PP

MJ: Then yes.

Facebook Messenger
Today, 7:24 PM

It was so weird, Ned. Weirdest interaction of my life. :PP

NL: Wait, why?

Darcy Lewis didn’t want to talk to us until MJ mentioned she was a huge fan, and then she *really* wanted to talk to MJ. She started asking all these questions, like “what would you have done differently” and stuff. And then at the end, she offered MJ an internship. :PP

NL: Really??
NL: You think you could get me an internship with the Vision?

Ned, you pick the lamest superheroes. :PP

NL: Hey, I know you don’t have a crush on me the way you do with her, but college apps are coming up.

I’ll try. :PP

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: The Stick-up

I can’t believe I have to say this, but please do not approach me again in public.

I also put 10k in your bank account. Don’t spend it all on one place. Or, like, do, and send me pictures.

Spider-Man <[email protected]>

Re: The Stick-up

Darcy,

I’m sorry I approached you in public. It’s just that I kind of really like MJ—the girl you met, her friends call her MJ—and she said you were one of her heroes. You didn’t offer her the internship to get us to leave you alone, did you? Because she’s really excited.

Why are you giving me $10,000? How am I going to explain that to my aunt?

Spider-Man

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Re: Re: The Stick-up

As I said in our talk at the UN, you get money when you do work outside your usual scope. Saving my ass counts. What your aunt knows or doesn’t know does not concern me.

No, I didn’t offer the internship to your friend to get you to leave. If I wanted you to leave, you would have. I offered it to her because I am easily flattered and she has good instincts.

Chapter Text

Mom
Today, 8:15 AM

Do you have something you want to share with the class?

I let Tony Stark take my DNA so he could drop the dumb paternity crap?

You are a disappointment.
But no, not that thing.
Why is it that I have to hear my daughter was almost shot by a crazy journalist from Yahoo News?

Oh, yeah. That did happen.
I’m fine though! Two superheroes showed up and I peaced the heck out.

And the crazy journalist?

She got arrested
I’m fine, Mom. I swear

Honey, I still get to worry
I’m your mom

I should have told you earlier
I’m sorry

So why didn’t you?

Between this really annoying cop, Foggy, and dealing with teenagers, I’ve just been really annoyed.

What’d Foggy do?

Not defended me to his friends
Also, apparently he knows freaking Daredevil and didn’t tell me

Well, that was dumb of him.
I’m sorry, baby. How can I help?

You want to make the police go away?

I can’t make them disappear, but I can try to figure out why they’re hassling you?

I love you

I love you too

Linda Darcy <[email protected]>

Subj: Police Trouble

Hey Laura,

My kid’s being unofficially detained by the NYPD. Do you still have contacts over there?

Thanks,
Linda

Laura Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Police Trouble

Hey Linda,

Is this because of the attempted shooting? I was surprised to read about that. I didn’t think Darcy was making enemies. She was always so nice whenever she came over.

I’ll see what I can find out, but no promises. A lot of my friends have retired.

Laura

Laura Barton <[email protected]>

Subj: Darcy Lewis

Hey May,

I know you technically retired, but I need a favor. A friend of mine’s daughter is being unofficially detained after being held up by a crazy journalist. Any thoughts on why?

Laura

May Parker <[email protected]>

Re: Darcy Lewis

Hi Laura,

In the interest of fairness, I need a favor, too. My nephew has gotten himself into some weird crap, and I want to make sure he isn’t showing up on any radars just yet.

How are Clint and the kids?

May

Laura Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

May,

No problem. Do you want me to ask Clint what his people have heard?

Speaking of, the kids are great, and Clint hates being retired. I’m thinking of bullying him into getting a new job. How’d you do it?

Laura

May Parker <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

Laura,

Honestly? My six-year-old nephew moved in with us, and he wasn’t ready to learn that his aunt didn’t work in IT so much as she was the Rising Tide. Unfortunately, your kids already know that Clint shoots bad guys for a living.

About Darcy, as near as I can figure from emails, Misty Knight wants to use her as leverage to get some of the superheroes off the street. Except Luke Cage, who for some reason gets a pass.

Don’t ask Clint; I’d like to keep this between us.

May

Laura Barton <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

May,

Thanks so much, I’ll pass that on to Linda.

I asked some very covert questions to some friends of mine, so nothing should get back to anyone. Only thing I found is that he’s technically listed as an “unpaid intern” on the UN’s Sokovia Accords department’s employment records. I shouldn’t worry about it.

Let’s catch up soon. Are you going to Florence with the girls?

Laura

May Parker <[email protected]>

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Darcy Lewis

Laura,

That’s better than I feared, honestly. Thanks for looking into it.

I wish I could, but this whole “single parenting a sixteen year old” thing means that I really shouldn’t. Send pictures, though!

May

Mom
Today, 11:30 AM

Laura says that they want you to put a stop to superheroes.

Oh. That’s dumb. Thanks.
Who’s Laura?

Laura Barton? You used to babysit her kids.

Oh yeah. I forgot her first name
Wait, why does Mrs. Barton have contacts in the NYPD?

Oh, Laura knows everyone. It helps that her husband’s an Avenger.

What the fuck????

Everett Ross
Today, 11:41 AM

I may have taken sides in a civil war.

Is there video evidence that could come out?

No.

Is the group you backed in power?

Yes.

Then I didn’t hear anything.

Caped Dickwad
Today, 12:32 PM

You need to assemble the Avengers.

Like fuck I do
Why?

Thanos is coming.

I already knew that.
The fuck is a Thanos?

A power-mad psychopath who will stop at nothing to gain power over the Infinity Stones.

And those are?

Vision’s stone, the Tessaract, my medallion.
Assemble the Avengers.

Actually, I have a better idea. Can you put me in contact with him?

What is it that you think I do?

Spend an inordinate amount of time sculpting your facial hair.
You heard about him and what he wants, you can at least put me in contact with someone who knows how to reach him

Try Tony Stark.

Yeah, fuck you too, buddy

1-(212)-555-8391
Today,12:44 PM

I need you to put me in contact with Thanos
The Thanos? Is Thanos a thing or a person?

Why?

I’m going to try to negotiate

With a psychopathic, power-mad titan?

I didn’t say I was going to honor any of this. I said I was going to try and negotiate

And what about when he kills you?

Then you’ll have lots of righteous indignation when you storm his spaceship or whatever
Hey, speaking of, have you accepted I’m not your kid yet?

The first test was inconclusive, I’m running another.

Goddammit

I want you to take some bodyguards when you talk to Thanos.

Excuse me? You don’t get to tell me what to do.
And, for the record, you’re still not my father.

So that when you die, we have some people on the inside.

….fine

Darcy Lewis <[email protected]>

Subj: THANOS

IF ANY OF YOU SO MUCH AS THINK ABOUT THE SLIGHTEST POSSIBILITY OF ATTACKING THAT GIANT SPACESHIP WITHOUT MY SIGNAL, I WILL MURDER YOU AND LEAVE YOUR DECAPITATED HEAD ON A PIKE OUTSIDE OF IT.

Chapter Text

Transcript of Meeting Between Lord Thanos and Earthling (Human) Ambassador
For Lord Thanos’s Eyes Only

DL: Thank you so much for meeting with us. I’m glad we can sit down and clear up everything. I’m Darcy, we spoke earlier. This is my associate, Okoye, and my secretary, Steve.

LT: I am Lord Thanos. My lieutenant, Loki of Asgard.

L: Pleasure to meet you, Darcy Lewis.

LT: Are you two not acquainted? Strange. I thought you would be—you mentioned that you had negotiated a treaty with Asgard.

DL: Yes, that treaty was with Odin, Loki’s father.

L: And how was that experience, Dr. Lewis?

DL: He tried to make me your new mommy.

SR: chokes.

LT: Before we begin, I must know if you have had contact with any of these criminals.

DL: Absolutely. Hm…no. No, no, no, is that a racoon? Um. No. Wait. What’s that guy’s name?

LT: Peter Quill. You know him?

DL: Maybe…Quill. Quill Quill Quill…Oh my god, that’s Pee-Pants Peter!

LT: Excuse me?

DL: God, it must have been twenty years ago. I was, like, nine, and we went to visit my cousins in Missouri for two weeks, which absolutely blew, because there was literally nothing to do in their fucking town, literally the only thing it had going for it was a Dairy Queen.

LT: A what Queen?

DL: It’s a store that sells ice cream. Anyway, while we were there, my cousin Mike was having his tenth birthday party, and since he was ten, he had to invite his whole class, including this total loser Peter Quill. Like, he came up to me at the party and was like, “Do you want to see a picture of my dad?” and I was like, “I don’t even know you.” And then, no shit, he pulls out a picture of The Hoff from fucking Knight Rider, like I didn’t have a poster of KITT up on my freaking wall. So then I punched him in the gut and he wet himself and we all started calling him Pee-Pants Peter. I think he ran away after that.

LT: But you haven’t seen him in twenty years?

DL: Yeah. No worries, no contact. I’ll be sure to let you know if I see him again, though.

O: [whispering] Pee-Pants Peter?

DL: [whispering] I didn’t even hit him that hard, I never broke the plank in taekwondo.

LT: In any case, let us begin.

DL: Yes. I have to say, I’m still confused by your request. What are you looking for, exactly?

LT: The Infinity Stones!

DL: Right, yes. What exactly is an Infinity Stone?

LT: It is a concentrated gem that contains the Universe’s power! Possessing the six of them grants unlimited destructive power that can rule or decimate the universe!

DL: Oh, wow. Yes. I see your point. We’ll get on that right away.

LT: My point?

DL: That these gems are far too dangerous to be left out in the open, where anyone could try and control them. Thank you for bringing that to our attention. Which ones did you say were on Earth, again?

LT: The Mind Stone, the Time Stone, and I have seen traces of the Reality Stone.

DL: And how do we identify them? Where are they? Obviously, we can’t keep them on one planet, together, think of the kinds of people we might attract. Thank you so, so much for bringing this to our attention.

L: The Reality Stone is no longer on Earth, my lord. It was removed from its host, Jane Foster, and sent to the Collector, so as to keep it and the Space Stone separate.

DL: Well, that’s one Stone taken care of. What happened to the Space Stone? I assume it was on Asgard.

LT: It is in my keeping.

DL: Well, that’s two taken care of. See? We will separate them in no time. Oh, I’m so glad you came to us. My best friend has figured out how to send Einstein-Rosen bridges to wherever she wants—very cool from the science side of things—we can just send one of them into deep space, or a black hole or something. I’m leaning towards the Time Gem, personally, because I have hopes that it will create some sort of long-time paradox thing that will basically make it totally inaccessible because it’s literally between times, but I’d have to run that by actual astrophysicists, because I majored in political science. Thoughts?

LT: You will give them to me!

DL: Oh no, I’d hate to overburden you. I am sure that you could protect more than one Infinity Stone or whatever, but that’s a risk I just don’t think we should take. No, you keep the one you already have, and we’ll keep one of ours, and ditch the other one, and then that’s four taken care of.

L: [softly] Five.

DL: Sorry? Where is the fifth?

LT: Also in my keeping.

DL: Well, then, I insist we place one of ours far away. I would hate to brand you a target for unsavory people! You said there were six, though?

L: No one has seen the Soul Stone in eons.

DL: Well, that one’s pretty well-hidden, then. We won’t worry about it. I still think that we should separate all five we know of. Reduce the likelihood of being targeted. Do you agree?

LT: I—

DL: Right. So we’re in agreement. I admit, I’m not incredibly familiar with the world outside our own solar system, but I’d love to hear your takes on it.

LT: You will give me the Stones!

L: What my Lord Thanos is trying to say is, why don’t you give us the Stones, and we can disperse them.

DL: Oh, no need. My best friend has figured out how to control Einstein-Rosen bridges. Wormholes? You know, the same thing as the Rainbow Road-Bridge-thing to Asgard. We can take care of that. We can even hide yours as well. No trouble. Where did you say our Stones were?

L: I believe the Time Stone is with one Stephen Strange.

DL: Of course it is. [whispering] Asshole.

L: The Mind Stone was last seen in my spear, I don’t know where it is now.

DL: You know what, why don’t we take a brief recess and reconvene tomorrow. I will go back down to Earth and track down the Stones and begin to dispose of them, while you begin drafting a list of appropriate hiding places. Sound good?

LT: It is acceptable.

DL: Perfect. Now, how do I get out of here?

LT: Take Loki with you.

DL: That’s a bad idea. He is very disliked on Earth. He kind of killed a lot of people.

LT: He is a master of illusion. I am sure that you can figure out an appropriate disguise.

DL: [sighs] Absolutely. I’m glad to have him. You know what, why don’t I leave Steve here with you? He can take over some of Loki’s duties, and he’s got excellent handwriting.

LT: That is unnecessary.

DL: I insist.

LT: Fine.

DL: We’ll see you tomorrow, then. Same time?

Chapter Text

War Criminal Recording 1
Today, 4:48 PM

L: Are you seriously recording this?

DL: Yah. You’re a war criminal with a history of brainwashing. I’m recording every conversation we have. Tough nuggets.

L: Fine, then tell me this. What the hell was that up there?

DL: I don’t know if you noticed, but no one is attacking my planet just yet. So I’m going with “successful.”

L: He is insane! They call him the Mad Titan! You can’t waltz in and snowball him like that!

DL: Really? Because I could have sworn I just did. Okoye? Thoughts?

O: I don’t like him.

DL: Which ‘him’? Because same. Look, Loki, are you on my side or his?

L: Excuse me?

DL: Do you want to destroy the goddamn universe, or do you want to not do that?

L: I want immunity. And a place for my people.

DL: Let’s get through this apocalypse and we’ll talk. Are you going to help us, or are you going to be a candy-ass bitch and help the megalomaniac?

L: I will help you. But only because if the universe is destroyed, there is nothing to rule.

DL: You know what? I’ll fucking take it. Let’s talk stones. What do they do? And how powerful are the fuckers?

L: Immensely. Nothing is quite so powerful. Even I, an Asgardian, was warped by the Mind Stone.

DL: So what you’re saying is, I shouldn’t trust the two tiny people I left up with Cap to steal the stones and bust free?

L: Did you do that?

DL: Maybe. Cap’s hair is surprisingly poofy. You could hide a tiny army up in that thing. Let me text them and tell them to hold off, though. And…done. Okay. What can contain an Infinity Stone?

O: Vibranium.

DL: Tell me more.

O: There are rumors of an orange stone buried deep within Wakanda that has strengthened and grown our vibranium stocks and changed our people.

DL: The soul stone, then? That thing that’s been lost? Okay, we could try vibranium. We need a few boxes for them, then. This is a good plan.

L: This is a terrible plan. He never takes that gauntlet off, not even to sleep.

DL: Jesus, dude. It’s simple. You dump enough itching powder into that thing, he’ll take it off eventually. Fuck, where is Brent? God, I’m going to fire him. Okay, here’s how this is going to go down. Okoye, please go see if you can find a couple of tiny Infinity-proof containers. Loki, go into my office, lock the door, and don’t come out. I will go see Tony Stark and get him to supply me with some combination of, like, itching powder and capsaicin and whatever else he tosses in there. Then we’ll test out the infinity boxes and go from there. Sound good?

L: This is a terrible idea.

O: I agree with the war criminal.

DL: Great, let’s do this.

1-(212)-555-8391
Today, 5:21 PM

If I were looking for super itching powder/rash powder, would I have to wait, or would you already have that made up?

Why?

Hypothetically speaking, it’d probably be for one of those crazy plots that totally shouldn’t work, but totally does. You know, like an umbrella-dartgun, or that supercomputer built out of X-Boxes
I want it to raise welts but, like, naturally and subtly

I’ll see what I can do. When do you need it?

Tomorrow
And it’s, like, for aliens fyi

Yeah, I can do that.

Thanks!
Oh, quick favor. Can you tell Vision to hide for the next few days?

Caped Dickwad
Today, 5:32 PM

Hey, can I borrow your Time Stone?

No.

I just need it for a hot second. I’ll give it back!

You’ll give it to Thanos.

Excuse me? Dude, literally all I do is shut down overly-entitled and batshit males before they destroy the world. Why the fuck do you think I broke up your meeting?

Why do you need it?

I want to check out a way to contain Infinity stones

I want to be there the whole time.

Fine

Jane Foster
Today, 7:41 AM

You know how you love me?

What did you do?

I need your help.

What did you do?

I need you to come meet Thanos with me
And all your portal-generating shit?

You mean, the five hundred pound ray that’s bolted to the floor and creates Einstein-Rosen bridges?

And something that can pass as portal-generating shit?

Fine. But you owe me.

I’ll make cupcakes?

Homemade. Chocolate. With extra frosting.

Done

Wra Criminal Recording 2
Today, 1:44 PM

DL: Please don’t be too loud, I didn’t sleep, and I haven’t pulled an all-nighter since I decided to write my thirty-page honors thesis in a day and a half.

L: How is your plan working?

DL: It’s fine. Everything is set up. Now make yourself useful and portal to a fucking Starbucks. Tell them I need a Green Eye with whipped cream. They may call it a Dead Eye. Three shots of espresso. And add some caramel drizzle to it.

L: Are you serious?

DL: I never kid about caffeine. Oh, also a cake pop. Go!

Chapter Text

Transcript of Meeting Between Lord Thanos and Earthling (Human) Ambassador
For Lord Thanos’s Eyes Only

DL: Thanks so much for meeting with us again. You remember Okoye, of course. This is Dr. Jane Foster, who will be creating the Einstein-Rosen bridges.

JF: Hi.

DL: What places were thinking to dump them?

LT: Your secretary is useless.

DL: Oh, God, you’re telling me. I wouldn’t have hired him, except that he’s my cousin, and you know how family is. It was all, “Darcy, you’re high up, you could get Stevie a job,” and if you had met my aunt, you’d have given him a job, too.

LT: That sounds right. He didn’t know even the most basic skills of being a secretary.

DL: I know. I’m sorry. He can usually at least take decent notes, which is why I suggested it.

LT: How was Loki?

DL: He spent most of the day hiding in my office. He has bad memories of Earth.

LT: Interesting.

A window shatters, and there are a few loud thumps.

DL: You are interrupting a very important diplomatic meeting! Get out before I have all of you arrested!

G: You are working with him?

DD: I will kill you if you are.

DL: My name is Darcy Lewis, I represent Earth, and if you do not leave immediately, you will be in violation of international and intergalactic law. Get. Out.

PQ: Lewis…?

DL: Yeah, that’s right, Pee-Pants. Now get the fuck out!

PQ: Oh, god.

RR: Pee-Pants?

DL: I punched him and he wet himself.

PQ: I was nine, you psychotic bitch!

Sound of cackling.

Sound of ultrasonic cannon.

DL: Sweet, that works. I thought we were gonna have a fight. Do you have, like, a dungeon where we can put these people for a hot second? Just until we finish our negotiation? Or we can ship them down to Earth. I have a great prison that’s totally empty and completely underwater. Thoughts?

LT: Loki, take them to the brig.

L: Yes, my lord.

LT: Now, what have you found?

DL: Stephen Strange has gone off the grid. And apparently, he can use freaking magic? No luck on that front. We did find the Mind Stone, though, and we shipped it off. Very interesting world. Lots of trash.

LT: You sent it to Sakaar?

DL: Maybe? Anyway, no one should ever find it. Isn’t it great? What places were you thinking of?

LT: I have…a few ideas…

DL: I’d love to hear them.

LT: Forgive me. I must…excuse myself.

DL: Absolutely. Take your time. We will continue brainstorming locations to place the other stones.

LT: I will be back shortly.

DL: Hey, Loki. If Hela ended up destroying the fuck out of Asgard, what’s currently in Helheim?

L: No.

DL: Is it, like, just dead people and Balder? Cuz that would be a pretty good place to hide, like, the Power Stone. Unless superpowered dead people are zombies that can then get out. Then that’s a terrible idea.

L: The nine realms are linked. You cannot hide an Infinity Stone on one of them.

DL: Are we ignoring that, like, four of them have popped up on Earth over the past decade or so? Because no one threw shit when we had the Tesseract in Norway for millennia, or when we had the Time Stone around some asshole magicians for the same amount of time. Just saying.

L: It is a realm of monsters, none of whom should be trusted with the Stone.

DL: Well, fuck. Are there any just straight-up decent planets?

LT: I would not trust any inhabited planet.

DL: What if we threw it into a star? These things are indestructible, right? So if we threw the power stone into a star, it might just make it nigh-impossible to retrieve. And I am always here for nigh-impossible to retrieve. Some Indiana Jones-level shenanigans.

L: That…could work.

DL: Granted, there’s a real chance that if we tried that with the Space or Time stone, we’d create a massive black or wormhole, but it’s an option. Something to consider. Thoughts?

LT: I—may consider it.

DL: You know what, why don’t you lend us the Power Stone and Jane Foster can run some tests on it and figure out if it’s gonna make us all implode. It’d be a star without any inhabited planets, of course, goes without saying.

LT: She can run her tests here, can she not?

JF: My equipment and lab are down on Earth. I’d use yours, but I don’t think you have a Shwarzchild particle measurement tool or a halogen enzyme matriculation ray. Now, we can try to move them ourselves, but the halogen enzyme matriculation ray alone weighs approximately three tons, and I would hate to disrupt the aerostatic design of your ship. I would invite you to Earth to witness my tests, but unfortunately you would need government clearance from the United States Department of Defense in writing, and that can take three to six weeks.

O: [whispering] Did she make that up?

DL: [whispering] No fucking clue. I was a crappy assistant, except for the times I was a spectacular assistant.

O: Scoff.

DL: [whispering] No, seriously! I tased Thor, I hacked the DMV, I carried shit, I broke a guy out of a mental health treatment ward, I made out with the other assistant…spectacular.

LT: I will send Loki to witness your work.

JF: He doesn’t have government clearance.

LT: Ah, but in disguise, who would know?

JF: …okay. I could use a new assistant anyway. My last one had an unfortunate accident where he got his penis stuck in the Delineation Barometric Atmosphere Geiger Counter, and we had to amputate.

 LT: How sad.

JF: Very. The D-BAG was out for weeks.

DL: Okay, perfect. We run some tests, we meet back here tomorrow. Would you mind wrapping up the Power Stone?

JF: The tests will take at least three days to run. More, if the solar fields don’t interfere again.

DL: Three days. If we have to reschedule, I will be sure to let you know.

LT: Will you leave another member of your party on the ship?

DL: Um. I mean, you can have Steve if you want to, but I know he’s absolutely useless.

LT: Why don’t you stay instead?

DL: I have a huge presentation on South Africa tomorrow, I’m afraid I can’t.

LT: Your associate can handle it. Can’t she?

DL: Of…course. In that case, Steve will be staying as well.

LT: I thought you said he was useless.

DL: Oh, God, he is, but he’s the kind of useless that types 60 words a minute. I have so many emails to send. How’s your Wi-Fi?

Chapter Text

Unknown Number
Today, 2:24 PM

This is the most idiotic thing you have ever thought of.

Shhh. I think it’s working

How do you plan on getting off the ship?

I know a guy with a Space Stone, and another girl who has a portal generator
Don’t worry about me, I’d be much more worried about what Jane is going to do to you
That d-bag threat was for you

Yes, funnily enough, I picked up on that, too.
What is a D-BAG anyway?

Short for douchebag. Which is, of course, slang for jackass

Lovely.

Jane Foster
Today, 5:29 PM

Next time, don’t invite me on your work trips.

Oh my god, you were amazing. How much of that was true?

None of it.
Okoye grabbed the stone and ran off with it the second we hit the ground. Should I be worried?

Eh, probably not.
Imma try and get them all back after this

How much of yours was truthful?

All of it? Except the parts about Cap’s typing speed. Bastard uses two fingers like the grandpa he is.

So he’s your cousin now?

In the grand scheme of things, aren’t we all cousins?

1-(212)-555-8391
Today, 5:34 PM

Where are you? We need to discuss some things

Thanos’s ship
What in God’s name could we have to discuss?

What you’re going to do with the Infinity Stones

Leave strange and vision’s with strange and vision
Leave the ather and soul stone where it is
Aether? Doesn’t matter
Figure out some nice places to ditch the others

That’s a terrible idea.

Well I’m sure as fuck not giving them to you
Last time we tried that, you blew up a small eastern European country
Hey, have you proven we aren’t related yet?

I want a DNA sample of your father to confirm something

My dad’s been dead for like ten years
Confirm what?

The tests indicate some familial relationship between the two of us

Oh motherfuck

Transcript of Meeting Between Lord Thanos and Earthling (Human) Ambassador
For Lord Thanos’s Eyes Only

DL: Since I’m up here for the next few days, do you mind if I chat with those prisoners?

LT: What use do they have to you?

DL: They know much more about space than I do, for one. I’m hoping I might get some ideas for places to dump the other ones. Also, I’m mad curious. The furthest I’ve been from home was a really ill-advised vacation to Fiji with an ex-boyfriend.

LT: Why ill-advised?

DL: He broke up with me on day 2 of 9.

LT:  Ah. Yes, you may speak with them. I hope you do not find it rude that I’ll have it recorded.

DL: Not at all. I’m making Steve take notes on the conversation, too. Good practice for him. Never let my aunt say I’m not teaching him real-world skills.

Notes for Darcy
This is Stupid
Steve Rogers

Darcy: Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?

Steve’s Notes: Seriously, what the hell? It’s like she doesn’t want to work with them.

Green Woman: What are you doing here?

Darcy: I’m here to chat. Didn’t get to introduce myself. Sup. I’m Darcy. That’s Steve, he’s useless and garbage.

Steve’s Notes: This is inaccurate and hurtful.

Green Woman: You threw us in prison! You’re working with Thanos!

Darcy: Duh. Of course I’m working with Thanos. Imagine if some crazy megalomaniac got their hands on all six stone things? They could totally destroy my planet. I like having a planet, it makes me feel safe and, you know, alive. Sorry, can I get some names for faces here?

Groot: I am Groot!

Racoon: Yeah, fuck off, lady!

Darcy: Yikes. Sorry I asked. Is Peter still ignoring me? Is it because I disrespected the Hoff? Because I’m a big fan of Knight Rider. FLAG for life or whatever.

Peter: It’s not because you disrespected David Hasselhoff.

Darcy: Is it the pee-pants thing? Because my mom totally made me apologize for that—

Peter: Why are you here?

Darcy: I want to hear about really fun, totally uninhabited planets where we might be able to shove an Infinity Stone and it won’t come back to bite us.

Peter: …really.

Darcy: Really. You know what, discuss it amongst yourselves. I’d hate to cause strife. I can go.

Green Woman: Go where?

Darcy: I just realized I’m missing the bachelor. Seriously, I don’t know why I watch, Nick is the absolute worst. But it’s hometowns this week, and fuck me if I’m not Team Caelynn.

Steve’s Notes: What is the difference between a bachelor and the bachelor? Google later.

Peter: Come back tomorrow. We’ll talk then.

Darcy: Awesome. See you then.

Transcript of Meeting Between Lord Thanos and Earthling (Human) Ambassador
For Lord Thanos’s Eyes Only

DL: Great news! I talked to Jane, and she said the whole “putting the power stone into a sun” thing was successful! We did it! Only two more to go!

LT: You did what?!

DL: Not me, Jane. She did exactly what we were talking about. Bada-bing, bada-boom, we are killing this “keeping the stones out of the hands of crazy megalomaniacs” thing! Go us!

LT: I only agreed to that because I knew that it would be entirely impossible…

DL: Apparently not. And aren’t we lucky!

LT: You’re lying. You are lying to me!

DL: Gah! Really…can’t talk when...you do the…whole holding me…by the throat…thing…

LT: Recall the stones! Now!

DL: You…are in violation…of the Geneva convention regarding…treaty and ceasefire…negotiation provisions…

LT: So?

DL: So…I don’t feel…bad about…HOPE GRAB THE STONE AND RUN!!!

LT: screams.

DL: Motherfuck! Owwwwww.

SR: Darcy, is everything okay? I heard…screaming…

DL: No, I’m lying on the floor with a broken arm because I’m totally fine, Steve! Just—do the punching thing!

SR: Thank God.

LT: You will die!

1-(212)-555-8391
Today, 11:26 PM

Siri call 911
No wait Siri call caped fucker
Steven dip shit
Doctor weird oh
Siri call caped dick wad

Are you okay?

Dammit Siri call dick wad!

I’m coming up.

The New York Times

Breaking—Alien Conqueror Thanos Vanquished by Captain America, Ant-Man