Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Your name is DIB MEMBRANE, and today is your THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY. You are not dressed for the occasion because your birthday has never been important, choosing merely to wear your same old UNSMILING GRAY T-SHIRT and DARK BLACK TRENCH COAT.

Unlike other teenagers, you are not stuffing your face with DELICIOUS BAKED GOODS. No, you are currently in the process of RESISTING SLEEP. You have to stay awake in order to spy on your NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR, who, unfortunately for you, is not an attractive female about to undress before your very eyes, but rather, an ALIEN LIFEFORM from the planet IRK.

Equally unfortunate are your INTERESTS, most of which relate to THE PARANORMAL in some way, and are not at all shared by your PEERS. In particular, you enjoy MYSTERIOUS MYSTERIES, a television show that caters to your taste in the STRANGE and UNKNOWN. You also like to go up on your roof and use your TELESCOPE to search out the sky for any UNUSUAL ACTIVITY, especially ALIEN INVADERS.

You have a PASSION for UNCOVERING THE TRUTH, and you will shine light onto the enigmas of the world at ANY COST. Most people have called you INSANE ever since you told them you spotted BIGFOOT in your garage using the BELT SANDER when you were NINE YEARS OLD. That’s okay with you, because they called all of the GREAT VISIONARIES crazy, and this is just a sign that you are on your way to BEING ONE OF THEM.

The list of exceptions to the people who think you aren’t crazy is VERY SHORT. To be more precise, the list contains your three closest and only friends. You enjoy chatting with them even though sometimes they say things like, HEY, MAYBE YOU ARE CRAZY. You’ve been trying out a new chat client called PESTERCHUM, and so far you're not exactly crazy about it yourself, no pun intended. Your chumhandle is agentMothman for NOSTALGIC REASONS and you type in a manner that is both excited! and espeiallyrushed, because you are very enthusiastic about your INTERESTS and sometimes when you get extremely overzealous you even need to use capslock for EMPHASIS.

In the near future you will play a game with your three friends, in order to save PLANET EARTH from its IMMINENT DEMISE. This game, for convenient reference, DOES NOT YET EXIST.

But it will soon. What will you do?

Chapter Text

You attempt to sneak up on the unsuspecting alien and expose him as the evil, megalomaniac trash that he is, but your new shoes are too loud on the rooftop and the alien’s antennae are far too sensitive to noise and vibrations. His house’s defense system is alerted and it sends you flying onto his front lawn, where he opens his door to mock you as his army of garden gnomes carry you to the pavement where they throw you unceremoniously. You dust off your trench coat and give the Irken Invader a menacing look.

DIB: ill be back, you just wait and see!!
ZIM: I WILL SEE NOTHING DIB HUMAN. MY EYES WILL BE FOREVER CLOSED TO YOUR VICTORY!

After an almost successful scheme like that, you’re itching to tell someone. Zim has been up to no good lately, perhaps even less good than usual, and this time you’re worried that whatever plot he’s hatching might actually develop to fruition. Luckily, one of your friends is already online. Unfortunately for you, she isn’t the most easily convinced of your small circle. It’ll have to do.

Chapter Text

AM: i almost exposed zim to the world!
AM: i was THIS CLOSE to exposing him for the alien tha theis!!!
AM: i can see that you’re online you know
PP: Criminy kid, you’re gonna give yourself a aneurysm
AM: we’re the same age!
AM: and thats besides the point
PP: Just what the hell are you goin on about now?
AM: i almost caugh tzim!!!
PP: Yeah right
PP: And Arnold almost wrote me a love letter confessing his tender feelings to me at last
AM: im being serious right now
PP: Whatever freakshow
PP: Look, I don’t got time for you blathering your scifi bullshit at me
PP: I’m busy, so shove off
AM: what could be more important than the fate of the world!
PP: For your information, I’m tryin to compose a love poem here
AM: gee thanks for the support
AM: i’ll be sure to remember this when i’m saving your life
AM: when i’m savign the entire planet!
PP: Yeah yeah
AM: no thank sto you!!
PP: I’ll be sure to remember you next time I visit the toilet
PP: The scent will remind me a all the bullshit you’re shovellin my way
PP: Now get lost loser I’ve got bigger fish to fry

Oh great. You wonder just what the hell this asshole wants, and how he even got ahold of your chumhandle in the first place. You are also fairly certain that he doesn’t grasp the concept of creating a chumhandle at all.

Chapter Text

IZ: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
AM: wow zim
IZ: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
AM: if this is all you came here to do i’m blocking you
IZ: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
AM: yeah i’m gonna block you now
IZ: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
IZ: NO! WAIT.
IZ: ZIM COMMANDS YOU TO WAIT.

You’ve had it up to here with being mocked, and you definitely aren’t going to sit idly by and let an alien laugh at you through a chat client. You get enough of that in real life, at Hi-Skool. You decide to examine the posters, newspaper clippings, and other various forms of PARANORMAL PARAPHERNALIA pinned to your wall.

Chapter Text

You cannot examine the posters and other various forms of paranormal paraphernalia because you are too exhausted to do so. Sneaking into enemy hideouts, fighting defensive gnomes, and blocking insults takes a lot out of you. You decide to take a nap.

Chapter Text

Holy crapshooting fairies, that crazy kid with the big head wasn’t lying. Just who the hell is this wimpy excuse for a an alien warrior?

Chapter Text

Your name is ZIM.

You are an ALMIGHTY IRKEN INVADER sent by your rulers, THE TALLEST, to destroy this PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A PLANET. It is a VERY SPECIAL MISSION, so very special that you were sent to an uncharted, unnamed planet at an undisclosed location. You have been working on your mission for SEVERAL EARTH YEARS, and with each passing day you come closer and closer to accomplishing your final goal: HOSTILE TAKEOVER.

Despite being a full-time invader, you have several HOBBIES. You enjoy EXPERIMENTING ON HUMANS with manic fervor, especially when the experiments cause UNDUE PAIN to your victims. You get pretty excited from watching HORROR FLICKS, especially those known as TORTURE PORN. You spend much of your time thwarting the plans of the DIB HUMAN, whose plans are always to thwart your own. It is a VERY EXHAUSTING PROCESS. Still, it is definitely rewarding. You get a sort of WICKED GLEE out of watching him fail.

As if the big-headed Dib human could ever outsmart a fine Irken Invader like yourself. Ha!

By far your favorite pastime is PLOTTING EVIL PLOTS, something of which you have become A SELF-DECLARED EXPERT in. The plan you are currently hatching is COMPLETELY TOP SECRET, but for the sake of the story you are going to divulge some information in the form of a STEREOTYPICAL EVIL MONOLOGUE.

Chapter Text

ZIM: GIR! REMEMBER THE PLAN.
GIR: wHATs tHe pLAn aGAIn?
ZIM: OUR PLAN IS TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH!
GIR: oh yEAAAh
GIR: hOw we gONNa do tHAt?
ZIM: I TOLD YOU ALL THIS BEFORE!
ZIM: WEREN’T YOU LISTENING?
GIR: nOOOPe
ZIM: ARGH!
ZIM: NOW LISTEN UP GIR.
ZIM: I WON’T REPEAT MYSELF AGAIN!
ZIM: WE ARE GOING TO START BY CREATING NONE OTHER THAN...
ZIM: AN ADVANCED COMPUTER VIRUS!
GIR: yAAAAy!
ZIM: QUIET GIR. I’M NOT FINISHED.
GIR: sORRy mASTEr!
ZIM: APOLOGY ACCEPTED. DON’T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
ZIM: NOW...WHERE WAS I.
ZIM: RIGHT! MY EVILEST OF ALL EVIL PLANS.
ZIM: IT WILL NOT ONLY AFFECT THE COMPUTERS INFECTED WITH THE VIRUS, BUT ALL HUMANS WHO COME IN CONTACT WITH IT AS WELL!
GIR: bUt hOw we gONNa gEt aLl tHe cOMPUTERs sICk mASTEr?
ZIM: I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED.
ZIM: SO *VERY* GLAD.
ZIM: I WILL DISGUISE MY CRAFTY COMPUTER VIRUS AS A HARMLESS VIDEO GAME.
ZIM: IT WILL INFECT THE MIND AND COMPUTERS OF ALL WHO PLAY IT AND THEN FINALLY ULTIMATE POWER AND CONTROL WILL BE MINE!
ZIM: NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO RESIST MY TAKEOVER
ZIM: NOT EVEN THE STUPID MORONIC IDIOTIC *STUPID* DIB HUMAN.
GIR: wHOAAAa
ZIM: YES GIR.
ZIM: BE AMAZED BY ZIM’S BRILLIANCE. BE AMAZED!
GIR: im aMAZEd im aMAZEd!

Chapter Text

You sit down in your swivel chair that’s less of a chair, and more of a throne. As it should be. You’ve grown much taller since Elementary Skool, and your longer vertebrates require much taller, sturdier, more powerful support. This one even has an indent so that you can lean back without your Pak pressing painfully into your back. Just as you’re about to finish up the final touches on your Ultimate Evil Plan, something interrupts you.

There’s a stranger initiating contact with you on the new chat client you recently installed. You only installed pesterchum as a way to taunt and ridicule the Dib human. You prefer to type in ALL CAPS because you feel it is more adequately read than the inferior lowercase. You prefer the color GREEN because it is the color of your skin, and thus, the color of your FELLOW IRKEN INVADERS.

Chapter Text

uu: REMOVE YOURSELF. IMMEDIATELY.
uu: FROM THE PLANET.
uu: WHICH IS RIGHTFULLY MINE.
IZ: FOOLISH HUMAN. THIS PLANET IS PROPERTY OF THE IRKEN ARMADA!
IZ: WAIT! WHO IS THIS?
uu: FUCK YOU AND YOUR PRESUMPTIONS.
uu: I AM NONE OTHER THAN
IZ: WHO IS THIS?
IZ: IS THIS THE DIB HUMAN?
uu: NO. I AM NONE OTHER THAN
IZ: YOU CAN’T FOOL ME DIB HUMAN.
IZ: I WILL HAVE MY PLANET AND EAT IT TOO!
uu: WHAT.
IZ: YOU THINK YOU CAN FOOL THE *ALMIGHTY ZIM?*
IZ: THIS ENTIRE PLANET WILL BE MINE!
IZ: WHEN I’M FINISHED HERE YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR TALLER SMARTER SUPERIOR MASTER!
uu: STOP TALKING.
uu: I AM NONE OTHER THAN.
uu: LORD ENGLISH.
IZ: EH?
uu: I SAID. I AM NONE OTHER THAN.
uu: LORD ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!
IZ: EH?
IZ: OH. CALIBORN? THE CHERUB?
uu: YES. EXACTLY.
uu: IS YOUR PUNY IRKEN HEART STRICKEN WITH FEAR?
IZ: HEY, I KNOW YOU! AREN’T YOU THE ONE THAT PREDOMINATED TOO EARLY?
uu: LIES!
IZ: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
uu: LIES. SLANDER.
uu: CEASE YOUR LAUGHTER.
uu. IMMEDIATELY.
IZ: AHAHAHAHA!
uu: STOP THIS. AT ONCE.
uu: OR I WILL BE FORCED TO.
uu: TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES.
IZ: HA! I DO NOT FEAR YOUR STINKY CHERUB ODOR, FULL OF DUMB AND *POOP!*
uu: WHAT? DISGUSTING.
uu: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
uu: WITH MATTERS OF THE FECAL VARIETY.
IZ: EARTH IS OFFICIAL IRKEN PROPERTY, STUPID.
IZ: PIPE DOWN AND LEARN YOUR PLACE IN INTERGALACTIC SOCIETY.
uu: I WAS HERE. FIRST.
IZ: *NONSENSE* I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR SEVERAL EARTH YEARS.
IZ: CHECK YOUR UNCIVILIZED SNAKEY CHERUB FILES. THE ARMADA HAS CLEARANCE FOR THIS PLANET.
IZ: AND BEFORE YOU GO, CHANGE THE COLOR OF YOUR TEXT.
IZ: I KNOW THAT IMITATION IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF FLATTERY, BUT THIS IS CONFUSING AND STUPID. IT REEKS OF *STUPID*!

You are about to play a game that will bring PLANET EARTH to it’s IMMINENT DEMISE. This game, for convenient reference, NOW EXISTS. You aren’t quite sure why you ejected the disc in the first place, because you have to return the disc to your computer in order to upload the virus online.

Chapter Text

Unfortunately, you cannot upload the virus online because after SUCH HARD WORK, it is only fair that you take a SNACK BREAK. Snacks are a vital necessity for every healthy young Irken, and you are no exception. Besides, it smells like Gir’s making waffles.

Chapter Text

You cannot be the DIB HUMAN because he has just witnessed Zim’s new plan of UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS. He is too busy pulling out his hair and trying to figure out a WAY TO STOP him, unaware that stopping ZIM is completely IMPOSSIBLE.

Chapter Text

You are now the OTHER KID. Where’s the formal introduction? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? There’s no time. You’re kind of in the middle of something here.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Your name is Helga G. Pataki, extra sauce, hold the bullshit.

Sit down, and shut up. Here’s what you’re not gonna do. For starters, you’re not gonna waste your time describing your “INTERESTS.” Nobody needs to know of your fondness for POETRY or that STUPID FOOTBALL HEAD. You’re also not gonna describe your HOBBIES, like STALKING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE, or working on the GUM STATUE in your closet. You’ll save that kind of shit for THERAPY, thank you very much.

You’re not like OTHER GIRLS, and in fact, you can’t relate to your classmates at all. Only one person truly understands you, and that person is ARNOLD. Ever since he shared his umbrella with you that FATEFUL DAY IN PRESCHOOL, you’ve been unconditionally, irrevocably IN LOVE.

Admittedly, you’re also a bit of a HARDASS. Some people might even call you a BULLY. At this point you’ve got a reputation to uphold, so most of your VENTING takes place on THE INTERNET. You go by the username piningPataki, for reasons that are both OBVIOUS and EMBARRASSING.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

What a load of bullcrap. You receive a memo request before you have time to log off.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

You really don’t have enough fucks left to give.

Chapter Text

No, the other DP!

Chapter Text

You are now the ghost instead, congratu-fuckin-lations.

Chapter Text

You cannot enter a name because you already have one, and that name is DANIEL FENTON, though you prefer to be called DANNY. You have a variety of INTERESTS, and GHOST HUNTING is at the top. This is kind of IRONIC, because you are actually HALF-GHOST yourself, thanks to some malfunctioning technology of your parents’ that you probably shouldn’t have fooled around with. It doesn’t matter now, because thanks to them you’re basically a SPECTRAL SUPERHERO, with an ever-updating list of BADASS SUPER POWERS.

You have a PASSION for KICKING BUTT and TAKING NAMES, but you also enjoy spending time with your GIRLFRIEND. Sometimes you guys even MAKE OUT, which is pretty much your new FAVORITE THING. Your strange HOBBY makes it difficult to make new friends, so in order to satisfy your need to socialize beyond that which your current friends can offer, you have decided to try the INTERNET.

You have made a few new friends this way, but mostly you just look at PORNOGRAPHY. You have a pretty high threshold for WEIRD SHIT happening around you, but sometimes even you find the stories that DIB MEMBRANE tells you a little HARD TO SWALLOW. Come on, BIG FOOT using the BELT SANDER? What would he even need a belt sander for?

The user name dannyPhantom is synonymous with your SUPERHERO ALIAS.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

DP: The other day I had a dream that while my sister and I shared the womb together, we talked to each other.
PP: Criminey
PP: What did she say?
DP: She said she was glad she decided not to absorb me!
AM: can we stay on toppic here?
AM: this is getting kind of weird
DP: which is honestly saying a lot coming from dib
AM: keep it in your personal emails people
PP: What’s this memo for, anyway?
AM: i was getting to that!
AM: zim has created
DP: ?
DP: He’s probably typing one of his diatribes again.
PP: I don’t have time for this crap right now
AM: a hostile computer virus designed as a video game
DP: oh no, alert McAfee
DP: Heh, that was a good one.
AM: it doesnt just effect compmuters!
AM: it effects PEOPLE as well!
AM: asdjksdfhskthr
AM: lfjsdgjkdhgfdhriuthye!
AM: zIM!
DP: Are you finished?
AM: you need to download this immediately!!
AM: https://www.hostiletakeover.mu
DP: wow, that looks safe
AM: do you want to save the world or not???
DP: what kind of question is that?
DP: I save the world everyday!
AM: you save your city or town maybeb ut this is the WORLD at stake!
DP: isn’t it a virus? shouldn’t we be avoiding it?
DP: That's what I was thinking.
AM: yes!
AM: i mean no
AM: jsut
AM: trust me on this ok
AM: you won tregret it!!

Chapter Text

You sigh, and click the ad cluttered download link. It downloads suspiciously fast, before faltering on ninety-nine percent for over twenty minutes. You’re pretty sure that’s also part of Zim’s evil plan. You decide to go to the bathroom while the download completes, and on the way back you find that your room is gone. You can’t handle this many bad decisions in one day.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

No, not that paranormal investigator. The other one.

Chapter Text

Your name is DIPPER PINES, and you are spending yet another summer in GRAVITY FALLS with your GRUNKLE STAN and your TWIN SISTER. Lots of strange things happen around here that REALITY FAILS TO EXPLAIN.

Your hobbies include SOLVING PUZZLES, FALLING INTO HOLES, and NOT DYING. You spend a lot of time chasing after ghosts, goblins, garden gnomes, and giants--THE LIST GOES ON. Everything you know about the PARANORMAL you learned from a MYSTERIOUS BOOK with a NUMBER 3 ON IT. You can’t wait to get to the bottom of some of the mysteries around here.

When you aren’t crushing on WENDY, you talk to a couple paranormal investigators you met through the SWOLLEN EYEBALL NETWORK. Usually you don’t take the stuff agentMothman says seriously, but TODAY, you’re starting to get a little worried.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

You name is MABEL PINES, and you are the better twin, aren’t you? You’re also the eldest twin, by FIVE WHOLE MINUTES. Poor Dipper, he’s still trying to catch up. When you aren’t helping out your little brother with specters and zombies, you enjoy SLEEPOVERS, MAKEOVERS, and BEING TOTALLY RANDOM.

Your INTERESTS include SINGING, BOYS, and MAKING SWEATERS. Your best friend is a pig, and you like it that way. There are only two things you like more than SPARKLES and BEING SILLY, and that’s SIMULATION GAMES and ROMANCE.

This brand new FREE game has ALL OF THE ABOVE, and THEN SOME!

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

This is gonna be great! As soon as it finishes downloading, anyways.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

MP: hey morty!
MP: bet you haven’t heard offff
MP: HOSTILE TAKEOVER
MM: oh huh. I dunno mabel
MM: Im pretty done with the games for a while
MM: What with all the space adventures and all its just not really doin it for me
MM: :-T
MP: but its MULTIplayer!!!
MP: ;-P
MP: it’s got all kinds of customizations and a jetpack!
MP: and like a bajillion weapons!
MP: you can fly around and blow stuff up at the same time!
MM: Gee, that does sound pretty cool
MM: Rick’s suits don’t even fly
MP: https://www.hostiletakeover.mu
MP: REEEADDYYYYY
MP: SET
MM: …?

Chapter Text

Your name is MORTY SMITH. You are a fourteen year old highschool STUDENT. Sort of. You can’t actually remember the last time you attended class but you are DEFINITELY STILL ENROLLED. You learn the important lessons from your GENIUS GRANDPA RICK, so you’re not missing much.

Your interests include JESSICA, the beautiful redheaded girl in your class, and MASTURBATION. They are often related. You don’t talk to her much, but that’s probably because you spend most of your time off planet, or off universe, or off...time? You still aren’t really sure about that one. Like many things that happen with Rick, you TRY NOT TO THINK about it.

You accompany him on his WACKY ADVENTURES nine times out of ten. Sure, sometimes they’re the space equivalent of a 7-11 run, but it beats math every time. According to your father, JERRY you have some kind of LEARNING DISABILITY, but that’s never really stopped you before. George W. Bush wasn’t the sharpest crayon in the box, and he was elected for two consecutive terms.

Chapter Text

MP: hey morty!
MP: bet you haven’t heard offff
MP: HOSTILE TAKEOVER
MM: oh huh. I dunno mabel
MM: Im pretty done with the games for a while
MM: What with all the space adventures and all its just not really doin it for me
MM: :-T
MP: but its MULTIplayer!!!
MP: ;-P
MP: it’s got all kinds of customizations and a jetpack!
MP: and like a bajillion weapons!
MP: you can fly around and blow stuff up at the same time!
MM: Gee, that does sound pretty cool
MM: Rick’s suits don’t even fly
MP: https://www.hostiletakeover.mu
MP: REEEADDYYYYY
MP: SET
MM: …?

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Aw man. This is gonna take way longer than you thought, and now you have no one to talk to. The file is so big your computer is practically useless while you wait. You could do your homework.

Chapter Text

Yeah right! Like anyone would wanna read about a pimply fourteen year old boy fap to regular old human porn. Disgusting.

Chapter Text

Your name is RICK SANCHEZ. In a strictly linear sense you are an EIGHTY year old NIHILIST with a penchant for SCIENCE, TIME TRAVEL, and INVENTION. Your main interest is numbing your internal hatred and intensely APATHETIC worldview with hard NARCOTICS and ALCOHOL from across the multiverse. You spend most of your time on WACKY ADVENTURES with your IDIOT GRANDSON, Morty. For the most part they’re glorified intergalactic errands but considering the SENSITIVE NATURE of your inadvisable and often ILLEGAL HOBBIES there’s no lack of DANGER, or in the case of your grandson, APPREHENSION.

Morty also serves as your convenient wave BUFFER against OTHER RICKS from across the multiverse who consider you their ROGUE counterpart. You refuse to subscribe to their IRONIC and RESTRICTIVE GOVERNMENT.

You may have ACCIDENTALLY committed PLANETARY GENOCIDE and are a wanted criminal on more planets than you care to remember BUT you are generally a GOOD PERSON. Or at least you would be if the concepts of GOOD and EVIL weren’t OVERLY CONTRIVED SIMPLIFICATIONS meant to placate the average mind.

Chapter Text

You stumble into the dingy garage that acts as a base of operations. You aren’t sure whether you’re more drunk, high, or tired, but at this point it doesn’t affect your life unless you put in some serious effort. Fortunately for you, a quick stop at the Andromedan Black Market ensured you didn’t have to.

Chapter Text

RICK: Morty?
MORTY: J-just a second.
RICK: Ew, I’ll come back later.
MORTY: What? No!
MORTY: Come on man. I’m just st-st--playing a game.
RICK: What kinda lame ass piece of shit game could even run on that fucking dinosaur--oh my god!
RICK: Morty, no! That’s a virus, you idiot!
MORTY: Aw, geeze.
MORTY: This feels really weird. W-what do I do?
RICK: No shit, MOorty. It’s not everyday your atoms get broken down into code and reprogrammed into alien spyware. That’s gotta feel pretty fucked up.
MORTY: Shit, I’m disappearing!
MORTY: Rick? You gotta help me!
RICK: That’s not a game, genius. It’s a rogue nanovirus bent on destroying basically everything it can get its grubby little digits on. Whatever asshat made this doesn’t have any idea what they’re doing. This poorly made piece of junk is proObably what that little green motherfucker in Andromeda wanted my purified obsidian core for.
MORTY: S-so you helped this guy make it? What the hell, Rick!?
RICK: No, I mistakenly assumed he wasn’t a complete moron and wanted to do his business as far away from home as possible. I didn’t think he’d use it here. What the fuck is an Irken doing on Earth? Whatever. I’m never taking Squanchy’s advice on intergalactic drug-trade ever again. Even if his shit is hella pure. Look, I can’t stop the process this far along.
MORTY: What!? Rick! You can’t just-you can’t--You’ve gotta stop this thing!
RICK: You’re just gonna have to wing it Morty. You can do it. I have faith in you Morty. You-you just gotta buckle down. I’ll contact you when I can. You got this. Shouldn’t be more than an hour. Or-or maybe longer. I vomited three times on the stairs Morty. I barely made it this far. I’m pretty fucking wasted here, okay? Your timing is real-real shit Morty. You could at least wait for me to sober up before you start fucking with alien technology this advanced.
MORTY: Fuck fuuck. My arm! Where’s my arm?!
RICK: Calm down. You’re fine. The program is installing you into the virus’ simulated reality in parts. It’s usually instantaneous but the piece of shit virus riddled dinosaur on your desk can’t handle the processing power so it’s taking longer than usual.
MORTY: W-well how long do I have?
RICK: Judging by the current rate I’d say about...five, ten seconds? Don’t trust anything you see, don’t talk to anyone, and don’t touch anything until I contact you.
MORTY: But, Rick!

Chapter Text

Judging by the blinking green typography taking up the screen the so-called “game” is called HOSTILE TAKEOVER. You roll your eyes. At least this guy’s got originality.

The game finally boots up and it looks like Morty’s messaging system is still intact. The glipglop had some help.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Remember almost 48 chapters ago, when you got your ass beat by Zim's garden gnomes and took a nap? When you woke up, you witnessed Zim's Plans of Unspeakable Horrors (which for convenient reference, continues to exist.) Between then and now, you created a memo and alerted everyone on your friend's list.

Now that you have done everything you conceivably can to combat Zim’s plan, you are more than ready to examine the posters, newspaper clippings, and other various forms of PARANORMAL PARAPHERNALIA pinned to your wall.

It’s good to keep yourself distracted, even during IMPENDING DOOM.

Chapter Text

The poster above your bed is the logo from a secret organization known as the SWOLLEN EYEBALL NETWORK. There are a few polaroid photographs thumbtacked to the wall next to it, mostly blurry images of some of the many monsters that have frequented your small town. On the other wall is where you keep clippings from MYSTERIOUS MYSTERIES’ MONTHLY MYSTERY MAGAZINE, a name you prefer not to have to repeat out loud five times fast.

Most of the articles aren’t very informative, and if you’re being honest with yourself, most of them are obvious hoaxes. Still, you see it as your personal mission to educate the world, and with any luck they’re going to accept your next submission.

One of the clippings becomes unpinned from the wall and flutters down onto your mattress. You lean down and lift it up to your eyes.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Sometimes you are completely flabbergasted at the SHEER AMOUNT OF SHIT that gets published in Mysterious Mysteries. You aren’t saying that ManBearPig doesn’t exist (because you don’t rightly know) but what you are saying, or thinking, rather, is that you’ve seen weirder shit in the middle school bathroom during recess. And you have better proof, to boot. Photographic, even.

You’ve sent Mysterious Mysteries over sixteen tapes, seven papers, and eight audio recordings, in the past month, alone. They’ve yet to publish any of them. You think that maybe it has something to do with THAT ONE TIME, in which you scarred the show host’s face permanently, but that was clearly, definitely, NOT YOUR FAULT.

You sigh, and decide to find out just what Zim has been up to. You’re fairly confident in your ability to handle most technology, but you have a friend who knows a guy on a whole other playing field. Despite his disbelief about Zim’s true biology, he’s been spying on Zim for you for over six months. You have a feeling that he only does it because he likes lording the favor over your head. So far, the only information about the alien you’ve gathered from this is that he illegally downloads about twenty gigabytes worth of HORROR MOVIES every month. It’s not information that you can exactly derive your fame from.

You skim over the article again and upon the second reading catch the contact information at the bottom, two emails and a website.

Chapter Text

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Urgent Information

Greetings,

I saw your contact under an article in Mysterious Mysterious Magazine. I’m a fellow paranormal investigator interested in exchanging information about potential unclassifieds in your area.

I can’t give out specific information over such an insecure channel, but I have information that will no doubt be invaluable to your work. If you want to meet in person, I will find you at Stark’s Pond, alone and unplugged.

-MothMan

Chapter Text

All that’s left to do now is wait. You aren’t exactly patient. You shift your attention to another project you’ve been working on instead: cataloging Zim’s every move.

Chapter Text

You cannot pester the hacker guy because he is NOT CURRENTLY ONLINE. You decide to pester your only online friend, the one who introduced the two of you.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

OL: hey, what do you need?
AM: the new files from zim!
OL: i’m kind of in the middle of something right now dude.
AM: this is important! the fate of the entire planet is a tstake!!
OL: isn’t it always?
AM: yes!!
AM: this is why i have to stay on top of him!
AM: fahfhsadksja
OL: on top of him?
AM: platonically!
AM: i mean like
OL: how exactly does one get on top of someone platonically?
AM: screw you that’s how!
AM: can you just send me the files already!
OL: hold your horses.
AM: but you rtaking ofever
AM: *taking forever
OL: ever think that maybe if you just took a deep breath you wouldn’t make so many typos?
AM: no
AM: that’s stupid
AM: i barely have time to breath much less slowly
AM: not with zim on the loose
OL: your obsession borders on unhealthy.
AM: can you just hurty up

AM: oh
AM: thanks!
OL: later.
AM: is your name really tucker

Chapter Text

ZIM: GIR! REMEMBER THE PLAN.
GIR: wHATs tHe pLAn aGAIn?
ZIM: OUR PLAN IS TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH!
GIR: oh yEAAAh
GIR: hOw we gONNa do tHAt?
ZIM: I TOLD YOU ALL THIS BEFORE!
ZIM: WEREN’T YOU LISTENING?
GIR: nOOOPe
ZIM: ARGH!
ZIM: NOW LISTEN UP GIR.
ZIM: I WON’T REPEAT MYSELF AGAIN!
ZIM: WE ARE GOING TO START BY CREATING NONE OTHER THAN...
ZIM: AN ADVANCED COMPUTER VIRUS!
GIR: yAAAAy!
ZIM: QUIET GIR. I’M NOT FINISHED.
GIR: sORRy mASTEr!
ZIM: APOLOGY ACCEPTED. DON’T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
ZIM: NOW...WHERE WAS I.
ZIM: RIGHT! MY EVILEST OF ALL EVIL PLANS.
ZIM: IT WILL NOT ONLY AFFECT THE COMPUTERS INFECTED WITH THE VIRUS, BUT ALL HUMANS WHO COME IN CONTACT WITH IT AS WELL!
GIR: bUt hOw we gONNa gEt aLl tHe cOMPUTERs sICk mASTEr?
ZIM: I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED.
ZIM: SO *VERY* GLAD.
ZIM: I WILL DISGUISE MY CRAFTY COMPUTER VIRUS AS A HARMLESS VIDEO GAME.
ZIM: IT WILL INFECT THE MIND AND COMPUTERS OF ALL WHO PLAY IT AND THEN FINALLY ULTIMATE POWER AND CONTROL WILL BE MINE!
ZIM: NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO RESIST MY TAKEOVER
ZIM: NOT EVEN THE STUPID MORONIC IDIOTIC *STUPID* DIB HUMAN.
GIR: wHOAAAa
ZIM: YES GIR.
ZIM: BE AMAZED BY ZIM’S BRILLIANCE. BE AMAZED!
GIR: im aMAZEd im aMAZEd!

Chapter Text

You cannot be the DIB HUMAN because you have just witnessed Zim’s new plan of UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS for the SECOND TIME in HIGH DEFINITION VIDEO. You are too busy pulling out your hair and trying to figure out a WAY TO STOP him, unaware that stopping ZIM is completely IMPOSSIBLE.

Chapter Text

Your name is ERIC CARTMAN and you are pretty much the coolest guy currently living in the small town of SOUTH PARK, COLORADO. Your INTERESTS include EATING CHEESEY POUFS, PSYCHOLOGICAL POWER GAMES, and MAKING OUT WITH A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. You enjoy flaunting the latest games and toys whenever you get the chance, watching TV, and telling your STUPID BITCH OF A MOM to GET THE DAMN DOOR.

You have three close friends: JEW, PUSSY, and POOR PIECE OF SHIT. Since your mom isn’t usually home and your friends suck, most of the time you just have CLYDE FROG and MR. KITTY to keep you company. Sometimes when your Mom goes away, she still hires a BABYSITTER, which is TOTAL BULLSHIT. You’re THIRTEEN fucking years old, and you don’t need no goddamn babysitter to spoonfeed you mush peas before FUCKING YOU IN THE ASS.

In your spare time you enjoy TROLLING BETAS on 4chan, BEING PROBED up the tender buttocks by ALIENS, and RUNNING A SUBREDDIT DEVOTED TO WHITE SUPREMACY.

You go by coonPounder69 [CP], and it’s not always easy to get a hold of a username like that.

Luckily, you have your ways.

Chapter Text

To: [email protected]
Sender: [email protected]
Subject: Urgent Information

Greetings,

I saw your contact under an article in Mysterious Mysterious Magazine. I’m a fellow paranormal investigator interested in exchanging information about potential unclassifieds in your area.

I can’t give out specific information over such an insecure channel, but I have information that will no doubt be invaluable to your work. If you want to meet in person, I will find you at Stark’s Pond tonight at midnight, alone and unplugged.

-MothMan

Chapter Text

It’s been years since there’s been a confirmed Man-Bear-Pig sighting, but there’s a sucker born every minute, and you’re going to take him and use him for everything he’s worth.

When this is all said and done, Kyle is going to regret not taking Man-Bear-Pig seriously.

He’s going to regret not taking you seriously.

Chapter Text

To: [email protected]
Sender: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Urgent Information

Dear Agent Mothman,

I will meet you at Stark’s Pond. I am completely discreet.

Likewise, don’t bring any recording equipment. If you’re bugged, I’ll know.

Sincerely,
CoonPounder

Chapter Text

There’s a good four hours until midnight which means you've got three hours to kill. There’s exactly one way you’d like to do that.

Chapter Text

You recognize two of the players on your team from your Friends List: youngReezy [YR], and bubblyBunny [BB]. You’ve been playing with them pretty regularly for a long time now, although you’ve never met them in real life.

Quite frankly, you don’t want to.

Chapter Text

One of them is a wannabe gangster from the suburbs and the other is an annoying little shit who sounds like she swallowed a magical girl anime and spit it back up - that much you can tell from the sound of their voices over your headphone set.

Chapter Text

CARTMAN: Can you guys please shut the fuck up? Nobody gives a crap whether or not Gangstalicious sucked a dick.
RILEY: I told you that shit is straight bullshit Ganstalicious ain’t gay!
CARTMAN: Guys, nobody cares, alright? Now get the fuck over here, I need backup.
BUBBLES: i think gangstalicious could be bi!
RILEY: Nu uh no way
BUBBLES: y not?
RILEY: First of all, me and Gangstalicious is tight
RILEY: If he was bi Id probably be the first to know
RILEY: Second of all
CARTMAN: GUYS! What the fuck!
RILEY: Second of all
CARTMAN: Are you fucking kidding me right now?
RILEY: Damn what
CARTMAN: Someone blew my brains out with a fucking sniper, that’s what.
RILEY: Cry me a river
BUBBLES: aw does baby Eric got a boo-boo?
CARTMAN: You know what? Screw you guys. I can tell just how little my presence is valued on this team. Let’s see how well you can do without me.
RILEY: Ok like you didn’t go MIA last game
CARTMAN: What I do with my personal time is none of your goddamn business.
RILEY: N**ga you ain’t got business
CARTMAN: Actually, I had to respond to a very important email.
RILEY: From who
RILEY: your Mom
CARTMAN: Fuck you. You wish you had a Mom!
RILEY: Look at you now though
RILEY: Drawlin
RILEY: Bitchin at me when you can’t even aim!
BUBBLES: if both of u guys don’t BE QUIET and get back in the game i’m gonna lose it!!
RILEY: Okay chill
CARTMAN: Yeah, calm down. No need to get your panties in a twist.
BUBBLES: excuse me? my what?
CARTMAN: I said, you might want to unwedge those panties from your cunt before you get your period all over them.
RILEY: Aw shit
BUBBLES: what do u know about MY panties?
RILEY: Man, I told you not to piss her off
CARTMAN: Is that a fucking grenade?
RILEY: You know its a grenade
RILEY: Yall always do this!
BUBBLES: if u two can’t get along, then NEITHER CAN I!

Chapter Text

CARTMAN: God-fucking-dammit!
RILEY: N**ga this the third time this week!
ARTMAN: Don’t blame me! Blame the hoe.
BUBBLES: blame you, Cartman! Blame YOU!
CARTMAN: She’s probably just sensitive because she’s on the rag.
BUBBLES: i am NOT and even if i was i wouldn’t - eurghh! I’M MUTING YOU.
CARTMAN: Pftt. Good. Remember when she talked us into downloading that app?
RILEY: The gay ass pretty ponies thing
CARTMAN: Yeah that game was for stupid babies. I think I’m on like level three hundred.
RILEY: You just kept playin huh
CARTMAN: I never would have played that dumb game if not for her.
RILEY: Ok
CARTMAN: What! She’s the heartless bitch and somehow it gets turned around on me? I guess that’s feminism for you.
BUBBLES: GUYSS, GUYS.
BUBBLES: i unmuted you, but Shut UP!
BUBBLES: i just found the coolest game
CARTMAN: PFt. Yeah right.
CARTMAN: This is going to be just like Pretty Ponies.
RILEY: Shut up
RILEY: What is it
BUBBLES: everything! its a first person shooter open world pet simulation RPG! BUBBBLES: you can make it look however you want
BUBBLES: it’s gonna be super mega ultra AWESOME!
CARTMAN: Wow, Bubbles that does sound pretty cool.
RILEY: Yea almost 2 cool
BUBBLES: but you can blow stuff up AND get girls!
RILEY: Whats it called
BUBBLES: hostile takeover
RILEY: Im looking it up
CARTMAN: Unless I look it up first.
RILEY: Weird flex but ok

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

It’s easily one of the most bogus ads you’ve ever seen. If stupid bullshit had a middle name it would be this game. Anyone with half a brain cell should be able to tell the program is riddled with spyware, and probably like, at least three trojans. You’re not going to install it because you’re not a fucking idiot, but you’re dying to know what will happen when somebody does.

Chapter Text

CARTMAN: Wooow.
CARTMAN: Yeah this looks awesome.
BUBBLES: really??
RILEY: Really
CARTMAN: Haha - chyeah! Yeah you guys should totally download it. We can play it together after this round.
CARTMAN: B-R-B, guys. I’m gonna be A-F-K for a sec.
RILEY: Stop sayin that shit out loud man nobody cares
BUBBLES: that used 2 B my thing!
CARTMAN: T-T-Y-S!

Chapter Text

CP: Hey Kyle, look at this hilarious video.
CP: Here’s the link.
HK: Nice try, asshole. I’m not clicking anything you send me.
HK: Not after last time.
HK: And the time before that.
CP: Don’t be a pussy, this isn’t anything like that time.
CP: This is a totally trustworthy site.
CP: Besides, last time was your fault.
HK: Excuse me?
CP: You know what they say.
CP: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…
CP: Well, you’re probably the only idiot in the world to fall for 2 Girls 1 Cup twice.
HK: Leave me alone fatass.
HK: I’m in the middle of studying.
CP: 2 Girls 1 Cup does not count as studying.
HK: Fuck you! I’m not watching that!
CP: It’s okay if you’re into that kind of stuff, Kyle.
HK: I’m not, and you know I’m not!
CP: Why else would you watch it twice all the way through?
HK: Because you made me you piece of shit!
CP: Kyle, it’s time to stop the lies.
CP: I want you to think of this as a kind of safe space.
CP: There’s a whole community of poop fetishists out there waiting for you.
HK: Ugh.
HK: Some people actually have lives and a future to worry about you know.
CP: Ugh, come on Kyle!
CP: Don’t be such a Jew!

Chapter Text

Your name is KYLE BROFLOVSKI and you are THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. You’re the only JEWISH KID living in SOUTH PARK, COLORADO, other than your ADOPTED CANADIAN BROTHER, IKE. You were conceived in NEW JERSEY, a little known fact which is best represented by your rarely used nickname, KYLEY-B and your tendency to FLY INTO A RAGE.

Like most kids, you enjoy PLAYING BASKETBALL and WATCHING TERRANCE AND PHILLIP with your friends. You and STAN used to be SUPER BEST FRIENDS, but things have been changing ever since you all started EIGHTH GRADE. You hardly see KENNY anymore. Now more than ever, you’re obsessed with FOILING ERIC CARTMAN’S PETTY, SELFISH PLOTS.

Although an UNREMARKABLE KID to some, you spent much of your childhood BRINGING PEACE AND JUSTICE to all in SOUTH PARK as the HUMAN KITE. In fact, you still use this alias humanKite [HK] as your username online.

Chapter Text

HK: Stop calling me that or I’m blocking you again.
CP: Okay, chill out. Geeze.
CP: You’ve been studying all night. Don’t you wanna take a little break? Maybe check out this game with me.
HK: I don’t have time for a break.
CP: I read a study from Cambridge about how taking short breaks actually improves memory retention.
HK: Now you care about my memory retention?
CP: Look, Kyle! I messed up with the links before, I took it too far. I get that now.
HK: You’re lying.
CP: How about I download the game first and just send it to you, that way you don’t have to worry about viruses or anything.
HK: Why do you want me to play this game so bad?
CP: I don’t! I could ask literally anyone else to play.
HK: Then why don’t you?
CP: Maybe I will!
HK: Everyone else said no, didn’t they?
CP: If I say yes will you install the game?
HK: Fine, I’ll check it out.
HK: But only because I’m basically brain dead anyway.
HK: There better not be a virus on here or something.
CP: Of course not Kyle.
CP: I just want to play a game with my best friend.

HK: Hostile Takeover?
HK: Sounds lame. I’ve never heard of it.
CP: That’s because it’s an Indie game, Kahl.
HK: And what, I’m too mainstream?
CP: Your words, not mine.
HK: Shut up.
HK: It’s finished downloading. Now what?
CP: You have used a computer before, right?
HK: I’m about to drag it right into the trash.
CP: Alright, alright.
CP: All you have to do is unzip the file.
HK: How?
CP: Just use WinRar or something.
HK: What’s that?
HK: Do I have to download that too?
CP: Yes, God. How have you lasted this long with no ability to unzip files?
CP: Jesus christ.
HK: I don’t know! I guess I've never needed to before.
CP: Yes and I'm sure your washboard clothes and freshly churned butter on your toast are truly worth a humble lifestyle such as yours.
HK: Oh shut up. So what if I don't know everything about computers? It doesn’t mean you’re better than me.
CP: Doesn’t it, Kyle? Doesn’t it.
HK: No.
HK: I got the stupid winrar now what?
CP: I swear sometimes I don’t know how you passed Mr. Garrison’s.
HK: Shut up, fatass. It’s asking me where to extract the files.
CP: Do I have to hold your hand through everything?
CP: What do they even teach you in jew school?
HK: If you don’t shut up, you’re getting blocked.
HK: Good luck playing an MMO by yourself, asshole.
CP: Ugh. Don’t be such a little bitch! Just throw them on your desktop so you can delete them after we beat it.
HK: I’m extracting them now.
CP: Finally. Walk me through what’s happening.
HK: There’s a little animation of the files moving.
CP: Nice.
CP: And what are you wearing?
HK: What does that have to do with anything!
CP: I’m trying to paint a picture.
CP: Don’t be such such a prude, god.
HK: Okay it’s done.
CP: Now go in the folder and there should be something called startup.exe
HK: I see it.
CP: Okay now double click that.
HK: Okay. It’s loading.
HK: It says there’s not enough available space on the hard disk.
CP: So delete something.
HK: Ugh.
HK: Alright, it’s installing now.
HK: There’s some kind of weird red and pink triangle symbol on the screen.
HK: It kind of looks like an alien or something.
HK: Is this Sci-fi?
HK: This better be good, fatass. I uninstalled Minecraft for this.
CP: Ike is going to be so pissed.
HK: Yeah, he’s gonna fucking lose it.
HK: Aw man, what the fuck?
CP: What now?
HK: The whole thing is glitching out
HK: Fuck
HK: Something really weird is happening
HK: What the fuck did you send me ???
HK: This is your fault isn't it!
CP: i have only two things left to say to you kahl
CP: hehehehehehehheheh
CP: nyahnyahnyahnyhanyah
CP: :]

Chapter Text

You can’t believe this is happening because you fell for Cartman’s bullshit tricks again. The computer screen turns black before flickering purple, and a powerful force drags you closer to your computer screen. It sucks your hand inside and your fingers turn into pixelated blocks on the monitor.

Behind you, the door to your Dad’s office swings open. It’s your little brother, IKE BROFLOVSKI.

Chapter Text

KYLE: IKE! Thank god. You gotta help me.
IKE: no way.
IKE: mom said it’s my turn on the dopamine
KYLE: What?
IKE: its my turn on the computer assbutt
KYLE: Fuuuuck!
KYLE: Why did I trust Cartman?
IKE: really
IKE: you clicked one of his links
IKE: again?
KYLE: IKE! PLEASE!
KYLE: Do you see what’s happening to me right now?
IKE: bro, i’m just here to play minecraft.
KYLE: I’m disappearing! The computer is sucking me in!
KYLE: You have to call someone!
IKE: call who?
KYLE: It’s gotta be Cartman!
KYLE: He’s up to something more...I can feel it.
IKE: you can feel your boyfriend later.
IKE: there’s diamond to mine.
KYLE: He’s obviously not my boyfriend!
IKE: that’s what she said.
KYLE: Seriously? Right now?
IKE: yeah i’m actually super cereal.
KYLE: IKE! I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
IKE: good. the raid starts in like 10 minutes.
KYLE: Ike, please! You have to figure out Cartman’s plan and where he’s sending me.
IKE: whatever.
KYLE: You’ve gotta tell Stan and Kenny what’s going on!
IKE: okay, okay.
IKE: can you just hurry up and move over already?
Kyle: Hurry up?! Why would I want to hurry up? I have to stop-
IKE: haha, finally.
IKE: wait.
IKE: wtf
IKE: WHAT HAPPENED TO MINECRAFT?

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

CP: Hey, bitch! Where are you?
BB: talking to a friend who’s actually nice to me!

Chapter Text

Your name is RILEY FREEMAN, also known as RILEY ESCOBAR, aka THE FUNDRAISER, aka youngReezy [YR]. You currently live in a SUBURB OF MARYLAND with your GRANDPA and your older brother by two years, HUEY FREEMAN. Your hometown is CHICAGO, so you basically run this joint in WOODCREST like a STRAIGHT UP GANGSTER.

At TWELVE YEARS OLD you’re already a YOUTH BASKETBALL STAR, ENTREPRENEUR, and JUVENILE DELINQUENT. Your HOBBIES include PLAYING VIDEO GAMES, HUSTLING and MAKING IT RAIN. You enjoy LISTENING TO RAP, especially GANGSTALICIOUS, who is definitely NOT A HOMOSEXUAL.

When the mood strikes, you specialize in PORTRAITS FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS. Your medium of choice is SPRAY PAINT.

Oh, and another thing. Your older brother thinks he’s the NEXT MALCOLM X when really he’s just a CONTROLLING PUNK WITH A GOD-COMPLEX.

Chapter Text

RILEY: Fuck off
HUEY: That’s a virus.
RILEY: N**ga I know
HUEY: Don’t download it.
RILEY: I wasnt gonna download it
RILEY: Im just lookin
HUEY: Get off this web page, it’s not secure.
RILEY: Man can you get out my business
HUEY: It’s my computer too. So it is my business.
HUEY: Close out of it.
RILEY: No way! Get off me!
RILEY: N**ga, stop - thats gay!
RILEY: Fuck this shit! Now Im downloading it!
HUEY: You are so stupid.
RILEY: I know you are but what am I

Chapter Text

RILEY: Damn that was fast
RILEY: This new internet really is the shit
RILEY: Now what
HUEY: Now what? Delete it. Run the antivirus! Now what.
RILEY: hmmmm..NAH
HUEY: NO! Don’t install it!

Chapter Text

No way.

Chapter Text

There’s something about the level of condescension that always manages to crawl under your skin. You end up doing things impulsively when Huey won’t get off your back, won’t give you enough time to think things through on your own. This time, your mental misstep has dire consequences.

Chapter Text

RILEY: This is gonna be sick
RILEY: Its like grand theft auto but with dragons
HUEY: What’s gonna be sick is this computer.
HUEY: You probably just gave it computer AIDS.
RILEY: No I didnt thats gay
HUEY: You’re gay.
RILEY: No Im not!
RILEY: Oh shit! Whats going on
HUEY: How should I know? I told you not to download it.
RILEY: I think im trippin Huey oh my god
HUEY: It’s real. That is NOT a normal virus.
HUEY: GRANDAD!
GRANDAD: What’s all this racket?
RILEY: Yo this is SO GAY
GRANDAD: The hell did you two do?
HUEY: I told him not too, but he’s so stupid.
HUEY: Now he’s disappearing into another dimension or something.
GRANDAD: Disappearing? Who told you to do that?
GRANDAD: Riley, you better get yo’ ass back here right now.
RILEY: I cant grandad Im tryin!
RILEY: Its sucking me in!
GRANDAD: Boy, what did you put on that damn computer?
RILEY: It was just a game I swear!
GRANDAD: I told y’all not to be downloading shit, junkin’ up my computer.
HUEY: Told you so.
GRANDAD: Well when you get back you better have some new computer money.
RILEY: Aw what
GRANDAD: Cause if you think you too old for an ass whooping you got another thing coming.
RILEY: Wait no im sorry im sorry grandad
HUEY: I tried to tell you. I always try to tell you.
RILEY: So unfair man
RILEY: Gayest shit ever

Chapter Text

That’s a bit of a tall order. These kids are twelve and thirteen years old. There isn’t anyone less annoying left.

Chapter Text

Your name is BUBBLES UTONIUM and you are TWELVE YEARS OLD. You and your TWO SISTERS, BLOSSOM and BUTTERCUP were made in a LAB EXPERIMENT GONE WRONG by your father PROFESSOR UTONIUM.

When you aren't SAVING THE WORLD BEFORE BEDTIME, you spend a lot of time playing MMO FIRST PERSON SHOOTERS. You also enjoy TALKING TO ANIMALS and PROGRAMMING VIDEO GAMES.

You would SELL YOUR STUFFIES for tickets to see SENSITIVE THUGZ, even if BLOSSOM and BUTTERCUP pretend they’re too cool for it. It’s not your fault they’re boring. You still have the BIGGEST IMAGINATION around.

Online you use the handle bubblyBunny [BB] to talk to all your SUPER COOL FRIENDS and for sharing things with them like this SUPER AWESOME GAME.

Chapter Text

BB: omg
BB: omG
BB: OMG
GZ: ...
BB: this game!
BB: https://www.hostiletakeover.mu
GZ: ...
BB: i know i know
BB: its got A TON of spyware!
BB: but its gonna be soooo worth it
BB: you can raise baby dragons
GZ: This looks like...
GZ: The evil computer virus my brother was talking about...
GZ: I’m in...
BB: sorry my sisters are being nosey
BB: one sec

Chapter Text

You turn from your desktop and pull your blue bunny wireless headphones down. Blossom and Buttercup are hovering in the doorway to your shared room.

BUTTERCUP: Come on, Bubbs. It’s time to chow down!
BUBBLES: ill be there in a minute!
BUTTERCUP: A minute?!? Hurry it up, already.
BLOSSOM: Professor, Bubbles isn’t coming down to dinner!
UTONIUM: She’ll be down in a minute. Why don’t you set the table while she finishes up?
BLOSSOM: Fine.
BUTTERCUP: She gets away with everything because she’s a crybaby.
BLOSSOM: Tell me about it.
UTONIUM: Bubbles, are you almost done?
UTONIUM: BUBBLES?!
BUBBLES: COMING!

Are you? Are you really just going to dinner?

Chapter Text

If you start the download now, it’ll be finished by the time you’re done eating dinner. Right? That’s what you keep telling yourself right up until the download completes and you decide to start the installation process so you can play as soon as you get back.

Unfortunately, you never get to leave. Your computer is trying to eat you.

Chapter Text

BUBBLES: uh-oh
BUTTERCUP: Ooo, you are going to be in so much trouble.
BUBBLES: i didnt mean to!
BLOSSOM: Professor, Bubbles is going into the computer again!
UTONIUM: Bubbles!
UTONIUM: What have I told you about reprogramming yourself?
BUBBLES: no dematerializing on a school night
UTONIUM: And?
BUBBLES: wait 30 mins after eating before re-encoding myself
BLOSSOM: I told you she wasn’t coming down to dinner!
UTONIUM: When you get back here, you’re grounded, missy!

Chapter Text

You can no longer be BUBBLES or MABEL because they are no longer in this reality.

Chapter Text

Your name is GAZLENE MEMBRANE and you are TWELVE YEARS OLD. You like PIZZA, VIDEO GAMES, and GETTING EVEN. When you aren’t enjoying a hot cheesey slice to the sweet beats of an ANIMATRONIC FARM ANIMALS, you’re busy jamming out your own riffs on the GUITAR or kicking ass on your handheld GameSlave37.5XD. Your current favorites include Vampire Piggies: Reignition and Swamp Dog Deluxe.

Sometimes your super-science-whatever Dad PROFESSOR MEMBRANE plays, but mostly you play alone, which is as much of a NECESSITY as it is a PREFERENCE. Your dumb older brother DIB never plays, but you consider this good fortune considering how much he SUCKS. One time he put a spell on you that made everything taste like PORK. To this day you can’t get pepperoni on your pizza.

Recently, you made a couple “friends” via an IRC CHANNEL usually frequented by HACKERS. It’s a good resource for MODS, PROGRAMMING SHORTCUTS, and PWNING N00BZ. This is where you met your “friends” doubleDee [DD] and bubblyBunny [BB], neither of whom resemble the trolls you’re used to seeing around this part of the internet.

You go by gameZombie [GZ]; you have for a long time.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Bubbles still hasn’t returned, which could mean that your brother was right about Zim’s evil computer virus and she actually got sucked inside his plot to take over the world.

Or…the Professor made his special meatloaf for dinner. Only time will tell. You have to tell someone else about this super badass end of the world game.

Chapter Text

GZ: Hey...
DD: HELLO
GZ: ...
GZ: I found this game...
GZ: http://www.hostiletakeover.mu
DD: WOW THIS LOOKS AWESOME
DD: THERES CHICKENS
DD: LETS PLAY LETS PLAY
GZ: I wouldn’t download that if I were you…
DD: AWWW
GZ: Are you okay...
DD: im doing
DD: sexy
DD: how bout you sweet cheeks??
DD: ;)
GZ: ...
DD: Apologies and salutations!!!
DD: You know my friendds, Ed and Eddy
DD: Please excuse them,
GZ: Duh
GZ: so I found this game...
GZ: http://www.hostiletakeover.mu
DD: Oh?
GZ: yea its a viral cesspool...
DD: Oh, ddear
GZ: But it almost seems worth the risk...
DD: For another perhaps
DD: My computer is I’ll equipped to handdle any infections
DD: I’dd shudder to think what mother woulddd dddddo were I unable to remove it
GZ: Yea dont have a cow DD...
GZ: I can let you know how it runs once i debug it
DD: Agreedd.
DD: I look forwarddd to your results
GZ: Ill resend it clean too
DD: My gratitudde.
DD: Sigh.
GZ: Oh man up. It won't take that long...
DD: No, it’s not that,
DD: My boisterous but well meaning friends are here presumably trying to whisk me away on some yet unknown venture.
GZ: When’re you gonna ditch those weirdos...
DD: Friendship holdds fast for the deddicated
GZ: Whatever...
DD: My apologies Gazlene. They appear to be quite persistent as of late.
GZ: Just go. I'll message you when it’s ready.

Your conversations with Double D are frequently cut short by his two STUPID, MORONIC, STUPID friends. There’s nothing left to do but try it out.

Chapter Text

You make sure your GameSlave 37.5 XD is charged well enough to keep you entertained during what you assume will be a long wait. Once you begin extracting the files you can’t shake this weird JITTER BENEATH YOUR SKIN but just assume it’s your stupid BROTHER doing some STUPID THING in his STUPID BEDROOM across the hall.

You don’t want to know what he had to do in order to produce these noxious purple fumes. You’re three levels into Vampire Piggies Strikes Back!!! and the FEELING IS WORSE. What’s taking this game SO LONG to start?

You turn to check the game's progress and notice little bits of yourself breaking off and swirling towards the screen. It's almost as if...you're becoming a part of the computer...a part of the game. If this is Dib’s doing - being related to that dweeb is finally about to pay off!

Chapter Text

GAZ: hah
GAZ: ehehe
GAZ: AHAHA
GAZ: Muahha
GAZ: MUAAHAHAHHAH
GAZ: AHAAA!!
GAZ: I AM YOUR MASTER!

Chapter Text

Not so fast! There’s at least 200 more kids left to introduce. You’ll have to wait until it’s your turn again.

Chapter Text

Ha! You wish. Get back in there, you.

Chapter Text

Oh, okay Mr. Strider. See how well that works.

Chapter Text

It doesn’t.

Chapter Text

You’re disappointed, but unsurprised.

Chapter Text

There’s a good reader.

Chapter Text

Your name is EDDWARD MARION, but your friends call you DOUBLE D. Your last name and what’s under your hat isn’t anyone else’s business but yours, thank you very much. This introduction is already going to reveal quite a good bit of PERSONAL DETAILS - more than you imagine mother would approve. Luckily, mother isn’t home. She almost never is.

You are ONE OF THREE EDD’S living in the SUBURBAN CUL-DE-SAC you call home. Your HOBBIES include ETYMOLOGY, MECHANICAL ENGINEERING, and GETTING ROPED INTO ANOTHER ONE OF EDDY’S SCHEMES. You have many HIDDEN TALENTS, including but not limited to: KNITTING, GARDENING, and PLAYING THE STEEL GUITAR.

When you aren’t busy on the NEVER ENDING QUEST FOR KNOWLEDGE, you’re usually IRONING FATHER’S SHIRTS or ALPHABETIZING THE SPICE RACK. You can be a bit OBSESSIVE ABOUT CLEANLINESS, but you can’t really help it.

On the internet you usually go by doubleD [DD], because it is identifying without giving away too much to potential strangers. The ‘d’ key has been sticking ever since you got a new keyboard LAST OCTOBER for your THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY, when Ed spilled a BOWL OF GRAVY across your desk.

Among your friends, you carry the burden of BRAINS in addition to taking responsibility for being the MORAL COMPASS of the group.

Chapter Text

DOUBLE D: Eddddddy, this isn’t a good idea. We’re going to get caught!
EDDY: c’mon sockhead
EDDY: don’t skitz out on me
ED: DONT WORRY ABOUT IT DOUBLE D
DOUBLE D: But Eddy, it’s wrong! And I’ll never get the smoke out of the walls! Mother and Father will know!
EDDY: yeah right
EDDY: when was the last time you even saw those slackers?
DOUBLE D: My parents are not slackers! Mother and father take my well being very seriously and
EDDY: did you make it or not??
DOUBLE D: ,,,

Chapter Text

The gravity bong in question is DIY smoking device you assembled yourself. Last week you painstakingly gathered all the necessary materials while organizing the recyclables:

(1) 1 Liter plastic bottle
(1) 2 Liter plastic bottle
(1) 2x2 Square of tinfoil

Last night you deviated from your normal bedtime hygiene routine in order to assemble the completed monstrosity. The 2 liter bottle cut across the middle, bottom halfway full of water. The top half of the smaller bottle sits to the side, ready for use. The cap has an X cut into it and is covered with tinfoil molded into a bowl.

Here is a diagram for reference.

Chapter Text

EDDY: i knew you’d pull through
ED: YAY DOUBLE D
DOUBLE D: Now, Eddy please do be careful.
DOUBLE D: I wouldn’t want you to damage the rug or heaven forbid...
DOUBLE D: The woodwork.
EDDY: no one’s burning a hole in anything sheesh
EDDY: i know how to use a lighter
EDDY: we’ll be fine as long as Ed doesn’t knock the whole thing over
ED: KNOCK KNOCK
EDDY: yeah we’re the only ones home, so shut up!
ED: AW.
DOUBLE D: Goodness Eddy, no need to get your panties in a twist.
EDDY: how the heck do i work this thing??
DOUBLE D: Gravity bongs work by submerging a small bottle with a bowl of cannabis on top in a larger bottle or bucket of water. While lighting the cannabis, slowly draw the bottle out of the water to fill with smoke from the burning cannabis. Unscrew the lid, put your mouth over the bottle’s opening, and push the bottle down to let gravity propel the cannabis smoke into your lungs. Voila!
EDDY: shut up and smoke!

Chapter Text

Eddy shoves the contraption into your sweaty hands after he and Ed have had a turn. Your finger slips over the metal wheel on the lighter. Your entire body is shaking. You’re full of dread. The flame finally catches and starts to heat up the tinfoil, filling the smaller water bottle with smoke.

Despite being raised by perfectly respectable parents and having completed a health class workshop called D.A.R.E. advocating against using drugs, - this is how you’ve ended up. As a lowlife drug user. No, a criminal! Your life flashes before your eyes: the bullying, the big move, the beginning of your friendship with Ed and Eddy in this little cul-de-sac.

Chapter Text

Smoke comes rushing out.

Chapter Text

Your lungs fill up with smoke, but it just keeps coming, until the chamber is empty and you’re desperate for air.

Chapter Text

Your chest burns with the pain of a thousand fire ant bites. Your face heats up and your eyes well with tears. Your lungs expel smoke in a desperate attempt at respiration. You try calling out to your friends, but you don’t have enough oxygen to speak.

Chapter Text

EDDY: do you feel anything???
ED: NOT ME EDDY
ED: I FEEL LIKE A BUTTERY TOAST WITH NO BUTTER EDDY
EDDY: well this stuff is straight from my brother’s stash!
EDDY: you’re probably just doing wrong. Gimme!
EDDY: what gives! You said this would work
DOUBLE D: I NEARLY DIED!
DOUBLE D: So I’m...quite certain...that it works just fine! And I’ve never done this before either!
DOUBLE D: The user simply places the smaller bottle onto the top of the water, Then one places their mouth around the opening of the top bottle and draw in air creating suction, This forces the water up into said container and the smoke into the users lungs for near immediate THC absorption, The design works flawlessly,
DOUBLE D: Oh ddear,
DOUBLE D: I think I’m starting to feel the effects of the THC!
EDDY: you are not!
DOUBLE D: I am Eddy
EDDY: what’re you, an after school special?
EDDY: dont wig out
EDDY: how does it work that out of all of you’re the one who gets high first?
DOUBLE D: Shh! Edddy!
EDDY: you sh!
EDDY: nobodys home what are you worried about
DOUBLE D: Stop, I’m getting a message!
DOUBLE D: I don’t want Gaz to hear, please
EDDY: oOooooooo
EDDY: it’s your girlfriendddd
DOUBLE D: She’s not my girlfriend Eddy,,,
EDDY: she can’t hear you through the computer
DOUBLE D: But what about the police! What we’ve done is against the law! We’ve broken the law, Eddy!
EDDY: so if shes not your girlfriend does that mean she’s up for grabs???
DOUBLE D: She’s a person Eddy! She is no way “up for grabs”!
EDDY: AHA!
EDDY: i knew it
EDDY: you do like her
ED: ITS OK IF YOU LIKE HER
DOUBLE D: We are not currently in a romantic relationship!
EDDY: yea right
ED: HEY LET ME HELP
DOUBLE D: No Ed! I am perfectly capable of formulating my own responses!
ED: BUT I WANT TO MEET YOUR GIRLFRIEND TOO DOUBLE D

Chapter Text

Ed is already at the computer. He is immovable. Eddy eventually squeezes in front of Ed to take the keyboard. Try as you might you just can’t get to it.

Chapter Text

GZ: Hey...
DD: HELLO
GZ: ...
GZ: I found this game...
GZ: http://www.hostiletakeover.mu
DD: WOW THIS LOOKS AWESOME
DD: THERES CHICKENS
DD: LETS PLAY LETS PLAY
GZ: I wouldn’t download that if I were you…
DD: AWWW
GZ: Are you okay...
DD: im doing
DD: sexy
DD: how bout you sweet cheeks??
DD: ;)
GZ: ...
DD: Apologies and salutations!!!
DD: You know my friendds, Ed and Eddy
DD: Please excuse them,
GZ: Duh
GZ: so I found this game...
GZ: http://www.hostiletakeover.mu
DD: Oh?
GZ: yea its a viral cesspool...
DD: Oh, ddear
GZ: But it almost seems worth the risk...
DD: For another perhaps
DD: My computer is I’ll equipped to handdle any infections
DD: I’dd shudder to think what mother woulddd dddddo were I unable to remove it
GZ: Yea dont have a cow DD...
GZ: I can let you know how it runs once i debug it
DD: Agreedd.
DD: I look forwarddd to your results
GZ: Ill resend it clean too
DD: My gratitudde.
DD: Sigh.
GZ: Oh man up. It won't take that long...
DD: No, it’s not that,
DD: My boisterous but well meaning friends are here presumably trying to whisk me away on some yet unknown venture.
GZ: When’re you gonna ditch those weirdos...
DD: Friendship holdds fast for the deddicated
GZ: Whatever...
DD: My apologies Gazlene. They appear to be quite persistent as of late.
GZ: Just go. I'll message you when it’s ready.

Chapter Text

It appears the effects of THC are indeed taking hold. That, or the placebo effect. Either theory is an equally plausible explanation for the way you’re sweating and the ball of anxiety in your stomach. This whole illegal activity was never your idea in the first place, and on top of that they were completely rude to Gazlene.

Chapter Text

DOUBLE D: I can’t believe you two!
EDDY: cant believe US?
EDDY: when you have the nerve to have a girlfriend before me
DOUBLE D: You two are supposed to be my friends, my allies, the people who support and
EDDY: move over
EDDY: every time you have the mouse it’s BOOORING
DOUBLE D: Eddy no, ddon’t mess with that!
EDDY: why what is it?
EDDY: some kinda porno thing?
DOUBLE D: Eddy!
ED: I KNEW YOU WERE A SNEAKY ONE DOUBLE D
DOUBLE D: I would never partake in the forbidden activities!
EDDY: how did YOU get a girlfriend
ED: NO WAY NO WAY
ED: ITS A ZOMBIE VIRTUAL PET RPG!
ED: PUH-LEASE.
ED: I NEED IT!
EDDY: customize your butthole??
DOUBLE D: That’s a virus Ed!
DOUBLE: Relinquish my keyboard this instant!
EDDY: why would your girlfriend send you a virus
DOUBLE D: Because she isn’t my girlfriend! We know each from a server dedicated to
EDDY: blah blah blah
EDDY: you’re overreacting, it’ll be fine!
DOUBLE D: It most certainly well better be!
EDDY: relax, we’re just checking it out
EDDY: i just wanna make a hot chick in a skimpy outfit
EDDY: and then you can just uninstall it
ED: EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY
EDDY: ;)
DOUBLE D. Fine, let me just run the file through the virus scanner first
ED: OOPS
DOUBLE D: What do you mean by oops
EDDY: uh oh you’re in for it now

Chapter Text

DOUBLE D: Do you mean to tell me that you, Edward. One of my closest and most dear friends went behind my back and VIOLATED the trust of that friendship to DEFILE MY belongings?? Not for the first time, no not even for the second time, but the third time in the span of (7) days!
ED: UM
ED: IS YOUR FACE SUPPOSED TO RED
DOUBLE D: Yes, Ed. *I* am red because YOU destroyed my computer! Rest assured when mother hears of what we’ve done we’ll all pay!
EDDY: who said anything about your mother? I keep tellin yah what snitches get

Chapter Text

You gesture wildly to the monitor on your desk. A spiraling black hole extends from the middle of the screen. The desktop wallpaper of the periodic table is gone. You cannot yet acknowledge the tiny fragments of yourself that appear to be tearing off and flying into it.

Chapter Text

DOUBLE D: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HIDE THIS, EDDY?
DOUBLE D: REST ASSURED STITCHES WILL BE THE LEAST OF OUR WORRIES WHEN MOTHER MOST ASSUREDLY WILL TELL-
EDDY: woah take a chill pill sockhead. we’ll figure it out.
ED: WHATS HAPPENING WE ARE BOTH YELLING NOW
DOUBLE D: I ddodn’t know Ed! I’m ddisappearing. Eddddddy, help!
ED: ILL HELP YOU DOUBLE D
DOUBLE D: Perhaps this could simply be latent effects of the THC?
EDDY: this ain’t the weed birdbrain
ED: OH MY GOD DOUBLE D ME TOO
ED: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
EDDY: ed watch out!
DOUBLE D: No, stop!

Chapter Text

Ed tries to stop, but his heel catches on a forgotten piece of buttered toast and the slippery grease propels him into you and Eddy. All three of you fall forward into the black hole barely contained in the monitor of your computer.