Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Evan?!" Tommy croaks as soon as he opens his eyes.

"No. Sorry to disappoint," Eddie quips, his face hovering above Tommy.

Tommy swallows, grimacing at how dry his throat feels. "What ... what ..."

"What happened? Your bird fell from the sky is what happened," Eddie says grimly, checking something on a monitor. "We pulled you from the burning wreckage just when you were about to be toast. That wasn't funny, man."

Oh. Now Tommy remembers. The roar. The dance of flames ...

"Tommy!" Evan appears, holding onto a steaming cup of coffee. "You're awake!"

And Tommy wants to apologise for causing such a fuss. But he's being wrapped into Evan's arms and tiredly sinks into the softness of relieved love.

Chapter Text

Waiting is agony.

Buck bounces his leg and throws another glance at the clock. He feels like they've been here forever. But nothing has happened.

Beside him, Hen holds a cup of coffee, her eyes drooping. Chimney is restlessly chewing his gum, arms crossed. Bobby has his eyes closed and seems to be praying. Eddie is staring into the void.

Finally, a doctor approaches. "Family of Thomas Kinard?"

Buck gets up, suppressing the urge to correct the man. It's not Thomas. Never Thomas. That name was buried together with every mention of Tommy's biological family.

"That's us," he says. "We are his family."

The doctor smiles. "Surgery went well."

The 118 lets out a collective sigh of relief.

Chapter Text

Tommy had a long shift. He is looking forward to coming home to his boyfriend. To kisses, hugs and dinner.

But when he opens the door, he's hit by a blur of black fur and a cold tongue.

"What - Evan? Evan!"

Evan appears, staring at the scene. "Oh shit. Hey, um, so this ... happened."

Tommy looks at the dog which is now happily chewing on the laces of his shoes. "Okay?"

"I ... I had to. He was abandoned," Evan says sadly. "I know, you don't like surprises that much and ..."

"Evan," Tommy says, crouching to pat the dog which licks his hand and presses against his knees, tail wagging wildly. He smiles. "Surprises like this are the exception."

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Buck glances at the clock. The countdown begins. A few seconds left.

Right on time, the door opens.

The tall handsome man with the cleft enters the café.

Buck knows his order by heart. But he still asks and listens.

The same coffee and sandwich every day. At the same time and at the same table.

Buck might have a little crush.

And today, he's brave.

When the man looks at his coffee and sees the heart, his brows raise.

Buck blushes. He suddenly wants to disappear behind the counter.

But the man looks up and - smiles at him. Bright, open and honest.

Buck's heart flutters in his chest. He smiles back.

He can't wait for tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Lucy takes a deep breath. She can do this. Someone has to.

She opens the locker. And freezes.

Buck smiles at her from a picture, careless and bright. Sunlight makes his hair look golden and his blue eyes sparkle. It's the only picture Tommy hung up.

Lucy stares and her throat tightens. She can feel the tears coming and blinks them out of her eyes. Damnit. She didn't want to cry again. She already feels like she filled rivers with her tears.

This was what Tommy wanted to look at first every day when he came to work. Even after ...

Lucy carefully takes the picture off and puts it into her wallet.

She wants Buck to have it.

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Buck can't tear his eyes away from the picture. 

He runs a finger over the smooth surface, over his photo-smile that seems mocking now.

Lucy is gone. Silence remained.

And the distant sweet smell of Lemon Loaf lingering in the air.

Tommy loved that one.

A single tear falls onto the image. Blurs Buck's ghost smile and reflects his current grimace of pain, regret, rage.

Don't blame yourself, someone told him. It's a dead end.

And he knows they are right. But it's so hard not to start thinking. Not to search for something that could have prevented this.

But reality is final.

And Buck cries for the flickering flame of his hope that just turned to dust.

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Tommy is gone. He is still there.

He is the touch Buck doesn't feel when he wakes up. 

He is the noise of the running shower Buck doesn't hear while blinking sleep out of his eyes. 

He is the warmth not protecting Buck when the morning cold greets his naked body and he shuffles to the shower, sinking into the embrace of the hot water.

He is the "be save" which doesn't follow Buck out of the door as he leaves for work.

Tommy is gone.

The memories of him aren't.

Maybe it's Tommy's spirit, lingering until Buck is ready to say goodbye. Or maybe Buck is living with a ghost now. Forever chasing what might have been.

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"And then Bobby stood on that fire truck," Buck says full of admiration, "waiting for the plane to land. The noise when it came down from the sky ... You can't imagine. It was so loud. And Bobby didn't even move. He just stood there waiting, with his hands extended. Like. He knew. He knew everything would be fine and he would get Athena back in one piece."

"Can't believe I missed a passenger plane landing on a freeway and another romantic reunion," Tommy says, incredulous. "Guess that's my cue that I shouldn't have a spa day and cucumbers on my eyes while the 118 is on shift."

Buck chuckles and snuggles closer to Tommy, basking in the warmth.

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Tommy stares at the gravestone. This feels surreal.

He had to come here. To see. And now he doesn't know what to think or feel.

Evan's hand rests on his back, drawing soothing circles. "Are you alright?"

Tommy shrugs. "I don't know. I'm waiting to feel something but ... Nothing really changed, right? He's been a ghost to me for so long. His memory can't hurt me anymore."

And yet ... An angry part of him still yearns for more than was possible. He wanted to see remorse in his father's eyes. He wanted to see defeat. But it's part of trauma recovery to move on.

"Let's leave," he decides, intertwining his hand with Evan's.

Let's leave the past behind.

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Buck wakes up with tears in his eyes.

The images of his nightmare fade with every intake of morning air he takes. What remains is the cold and familiar ache of loneliness.

It's painful enough to let a shiver of fear run over his skin. For a horrible moment, Buck's not sure what's real and what's not.

But there's warmth beside him. And when Buck turns his head on the pillow, his breath hitches. The panic ebbs away, flooded by relief.

Tommy is still fast asleep, his mouth slightly open and his breaths even.

Buck smiles. He's not alone. Not anymore.

He carefully snuggles closer to Tommy, puts his head on his boyfriend's chest and closes his eyes.

Chapter Text

Buck frowns.

Why is everyone looking at him and giggling?

Does he have something between his teeth?

"You haven't seen it yet?" Chimney asks, the corners of his mouth twitching.

"What?" Buck asks.

"Someone went viral," Hen says, shaking from suppressed laughter.

"Who?" Buck asks, frown deepening. "Tell me already!"

It's a grinning Eddie who shows him a picture on Instagram.

Buck stares.

And freezes.

Oh God.

His face heats up and his heart starts pounding.

It's Tommy and him, kissing passionately between two firetrucks, faces smudged with soot. Whoever took the picture titled it: "Hot firefighters reuniting after battling wildfire - Romance of the century!"

Chimney gleefully whispers it into Buck's ear for weeks: Romance of the century.

Chapter Text

Tommy eyes his Santa disguise in the bedroom mirror and nods. "Yeah, this is perfect. I don't think the kids are going to notice that it's me. What do you think, Evan?"

"I think that Santa has never been so sexy before," Buck says and smirks. "He should take his coat off and lift some gifts. Just for me."

"Evan. You do know this is for a kid's event, right?" Tommy asks, acting as if he's scandalized but smiling underneath the white beard that hides most of his face. He turns to face Buck, tilts his head and asks in a deeper voice, "Tell me, Evan, have you been naughty this year?"

Buck nods eagerly. "So very naughty."

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„You're really good with animals,“ Evan notes.

Tommy smiles, stroking the cat they saved from a burning building and that’s now clinging to his jacket.

„Well, I used to volunteer at a local shelter as a teenager. Took the dogs on short walks. Cuddled all the cats.“

He swallows when he remembers the reason. „I was too young. But they always let me stay late anyway. Guess they had an idea what I came home to every day.“

Evan reaches out to rub Tommy‘s back. „I’m sure everyone at the shelter and all the animals loved you. Look. This cat already loves you. She won’t let go.“

Tommy chuckles. „I’m having a hard time letting go as well.“

Chapter Text

The day begins with cuddles.

Bodies move slowly in the early morning sunlight. Soft laughs. Warm touch. A kiss.

"Be safe."

Familiar words fade as a door closes.

Eternities later:

Doors crash open.

Tommy is too still on that gurney. His blood is on Buck's hands.

Tunnel vision.

Eddie's arms around him. Holding him back. Holding him. Holding.

"Let them work, Buck. Let them work."

"No, let me -"

"You can't do anything for him here right now. Come on. You know that. Come with me ..."

They end up on a bench. Side by side.

"I didn't see this coming," Buck says numbly.

"I know." Eddie rests his hand on Buck's back. "I know."

The day ends with tears.

Chapter Text

"It's not going to take long," Buck tells Tommy. "They're going to get us out soon."

Tommy nods. But he's too tense, his eyes filled with fear. Being trapped and out of control like this is a nightmare for him. Buck knows.

What are the chances of getting stuck in a malfunctioning elevator? He wonders.

And almost starts to laugh.

The irony ...

What are the chances of getting hit by lightning? Of falling in love while sitting in a helicopter that flies through a hurricane?

He's one lucky guy.

"Come here," Buck says, opening his arms for Tommy who sinks into the hug with a shaky sigh.

Buck kisses Tommy's head.

At least they're together. That's luck too.

Chapter Text

Tommy struggles to keep his eyes open.

When he emerges from another almost-nap, he realises he lost the plot of the movie they are supposed to be watching.

It's been a long day, ending in the best possible way.

Pizza and a movie on the couch.

But he's so tired. And Evan's chest is so comfy. A warm, soft, nice-smelling pillow. And the rhythmic rise-fall movement of Evan's chest makes him even drowsier. He's floating ...

"Tommy?"

Tommy frowns. "Hmmm."

Evan chuckles. "Come on. There's just half an hour left. Don't you want to know if they find the treasure?"

"It's ok. I got my treasure right here," Tommy murmurs.

"Okay," Evan says softly, kissing Tommy's head. "Rest well."

Chapter Text

Tommy is thinking about it all the time.

About texting Evan.

He's thinking about it when he wakes up alone.

He's thinking about it at work.

He's thinking about it when he comes home to his silent empty house.

He's thinking about it when he finally falls asleep.

He's thinking about it when a nightmare wakes him in the middle of the night.

One time, he wasn't only thinking about it. He started to type. Then paused. The words fled him.

But he's thinking about it all the time.

He's thinking about calling Evan when he calls 911 instead. When he approaches the burning treetops.

It's too late, he thinks sadly.

And then he's not thinking at all.

Chapter Text

After the breakup, Buck hasn't talked to Tommy in weeks.

Now, all he does is talk to Tommy.

But his words build monologues, fading in the void, since there's no reaction to them.

Buck is tired. But he keeps on talking. After all the silence, it seems like he can't stop now.

He only does things whole or not at all. The baking is evidence. He still has flour under his fingernails.

Buck paces the room. He's angry. He's sad. He feels the urge to punch the wall.

"Why didn't you text me? I know you wanted to. I saw the bubbles. Come back. I need to know."

But Tommy continues to sleep. And Buck continues to despair.

Chapter Text

The new probie is getting on Tommy's nerves.

He's following Tommy around all day like an overeager puppy, constantly rambling, constantly trying to start a discussion or to get Tommy to talk about himself.

"Did you know there was an American Football player with the name Kinard? He's in the Hall of Fame. Are you playing football too?"

"By the way, how do you take your coffee? I bet you like it sweet. Like with vanilla flavour or something, right?"

Tommy finally snaps. "Do you ever shut up? Why do you want to talk to me anyway?"

Evan's eyes wander down to focus on Tommy's lips and he licks his own. "Are you sure you want to know?"

Chapter Text

Buck opens his Fortune cookie. The smile freezes on his face.

"Love: the person you miss the most when everyone is around."

Buck stares at the words until they blur in front of his eyes.

"Buck?"

People say his name. Hands reach out to touch his back.

"Buck!"

It's not what he needs to hear. Not what he needs to feel. Buck makes a choice.

"I have to ..." His words fail him. He just gets up and leaves.

It's raining. Ink dissolves as the piece of paper crumples in Buck's fist.

"Evan?" Tommy's eyes widen in disbelief. "What ..."

Buck is a heartbroken fool. "I miss you," he says.

And realises the wetness on Tommy's face is not rain.

Chapter Text

"Is it true?"

"Hm?"

"Is it true that you ... you jumpstarted my heart?" Tommy asks, his voice barely more than a whisper.

Buck feels like crying. "Yeah. I guess I did. And it was stubborn. Such a stupid stubborn heart."

Nothing underneath his pushing hands. Nothing. For so long ... Only the familiar ache of silence.

Tommy smiles weakly. "Sorry. It's a part of me after all, that stupid stubborn heart. But ... I think it knows deep down that it's yours. So it came back. To you."

Now Buck is crying. Tears roll down his face and drip from his chin. "Don't ever do that to me again," he breathes.

And they are both aware of the double meaning.

Chapter Text

The wind is strong enough to bend the trees outside. Buck watches, with his chest feeling too tight for his racing heart.

"He'll be okay, you know," Maddie says, noticing his tenseness. She reaches over the table to interlace their fingers and smiles. "We both know how capable Tommy is, right?"

"Yeah. I know. Still wish he wouldn't be flying today," Buck mutters and sighs. "It's so different now. I'm used to worrying about people. But ... sitting at home while everyone is out there. While my husband is up in the air. It's a lot."

And some nightmares are persistent enough to make it into reality.

"Let's do the exercises your doctor recommended," Maddie suggests. "As a distraction."

Chapter Text

Maddie looks at her husband.

She tries to see the man she fell in love with.

Tries to see herself in the mirrors of his eyes.

A version of herself that is not silent, nervous, tense. Scared.

A glass shatters. Maddie winces.

Her fantasy is broken. It bleeds into the carpet.

And she waits. Holds her breath. Waits. For -

"Maddie? Hey, Maddie!"

Doug's ... concerned?

Maddie frowns. This is not what's supposed to happen.

"Maddie. It's okay. You're okay. It's just a nightmare."

Oh.

She blinks tears out of her eyes. "I ..."

Chimney wraps his arms around her. "It's okay. You don't need to talk right now. I got you."

Maddie breathes. She's safe. This is reality. She's safe.

Chapter Text

"Well, you tried," Buck states, amused.

Tommy frowns down at the baking sheet. "I don't get it. What did we do wrong this time?"

"Hm. Dough tends to melt when you use too much butter," Buck shrugs.

Tommy throws his hands up in frustration. "But I didn't! I used the exact amount of butter that I was supposed to use according to this recipe!"

Buck tilts his head and raises a brow, "Are you sure?"

Before Tommy can answer, Jee reaches out to grab one of the cookies that were supposed to be horses but now look like bizarre winged unicorns. "Yummy!" She declares after one bite.

Buck and Tommy look at each other - and start to laugh.

Chapter Text

Buck wakes up in the middle of the night, frozen in confused fear. A shiver runs over his back when he hears the growl of thunder.

Oh.

He forces himself to breathe. It's alright. He's safe.

But a flash of lightning startles him. Sends shockwaves of panic through his mind. Lightning and thunder. Reminders of his death.

Buck winces when Tommy abruptly sits up beside him, eyes wide and distant.

They don't share the same memories, but they share this trigger.

Tommy is too tense. Too silent. Buck doesn't dare to touch him. Fear is still making it hard for him to breathe. He can't do this right now. Not alone.

Buck reaches for his phone.

"E - Eddie?"

Chapter Text

Landing a helicopter on a capsized cruise ship was not on Tommy's bingo card for this year ...

Neither was seeing the 118 again on it. Or saving Bobby's and Athena's lives.

It's been an eventful night.

Tommy watches with a smile, as the 118 fuss over their captain and his wife, who look battered and haunted from their near-death experience.

It's surreal to see them all again after that much time. And he met the new guy. Evan Buckley. He's cute. And hot. He smiled and talked a lot on the flight back. When Evan puts his hand on Tommy's shoulder and grins, Tommy's heart somersaults.

Uh oh.

Falling for a firefighter wasn't on the bingo card either.

Chapter Text

"It's so peaceful," Buck says quietly, eyes focused on the endless stretch of the ocean.

Eddie nods. "Yeah."

They're at the beach together for the first time since the tsunami crashed into the pier and left a scar in their shared memories.

"Let's go swimming," Chris says.

Buck swallows, his voice shaking with fear. "Are ... are you sure?"

Eddie glances at him. He knows Buck still has nightmares about suffocating in freezing darkness while reaching for Christopher.

Chris takes Buck's hand. "Let's go in together. It's easier. When you're not alone."

Buck swallows and smiles. "You're right."

They go together, Chris in the middle, holding Eddie's and Buck's hands, connecting them, making the love stronger than the fear.

Chapter Text

Buck can't believe he's at the ER again. This time, his boyfriend fell off a ladder and hit the back of his head while trying to install the Christmas lights on his roof alone.

"I told you to wait! This is how people die, Tommy! Because of home accidents!"

Tommy winces. "It's just a laceration ..."

"Don't. Don't act like this is nothing. Your head is bleeding. I love your head. I love all of you. Please be more careful! I told you: you don't have to do everything alone."

"Okay." Tommy smiles bashfully. "I'm sorry, Evan."

The next moment, Eddie walks in with a big grin. "Hey man, I heard you cracked your head open like an egg?"

Chapter Text

Buck remembers many Christmases he didn't like.

He knows how lonely it can feel to be surrounded by arguing, never-satisfied and always-intrusive relatives.

But Buck learned to say no. It's his decision how he chooses to spend his Christmas.

"It's about spending quality time with the people I love," he explains to Maddie while they're cutting out cookies with Jee and Jingle Bells chiming in the background. "That's Chimney, you and Jee, of course. The 118. And ... and Tommy. I don't want him to be alone, Maddie."

"Then tell him," she says. "It's your decision."

"You don't think it's weird?"

"No. It's your big heart that never gives up. Maybe it's telling you something Tommy should know too."

Chapter Text

Tommy returns home late. Lucy invited him to a "Christmas party for the brokenhearted". 

He didn't want to go first, but it was better than being alone. He probably had too much mulled wine though, because he's imagining a present on his doorstep.

Tommy blinks. The present, wrapped in green and tied with a red ribbon, is still there. He opens it inside.

Teary-eyed, he stares at a box filled with Christmas cookies. There's a card too: Merry Christmas from Jee and Evan.

Not far away, Buck stares at a hoodie. It's Tommy's blue one which Buck constantly borrowed. "It's always been yours," a little card says. Buck buries his face in the soft fabric. It smells like Tommy.

Chapter Text

“I need you to fight,” Bobby says firmly, breaking the aching not-silence of the hospital room.

“I know that sometimes letting go seems … simpler. But we are survivors. Because no matter how dark it is, there’s always something worth living for.”

Bobby swallows, feeling the heavy realness of the words echoing in his own mind. They are connected to hopeless moments. He knows Tommy had these too. 

“We are no strangers to second chances. To restarts. So I need you to restart your life right now, Tommy. It’s not too late. Come back and tell Buck what you started to say in that voice message, before ...”

Before the crash that brought them all here had happened.

Chapter Text

"And ... and I'm thinking about him all the time. Can't stop. My heart. It hurts. But he's ... he's so kind. I don't deserve him. I don't. Just ... just want him to be happy."

Lucy sighs, patting Tommy's back. She's glad she found her heartbroken mess of a pilot before he could get so drunk he would have passed out. "I know. I know ... Come on, big guy. I'm going to drive you home."

Tommy sniffles, his unfocused eyes filling with tears. "S not home. Home is where Evan is ..."

A glass shatters behind them.

Lucy freezes. She turns her head and sees Evan Buckley standing there, wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

Uh oh.

"What did you just say?!" Buck breathes.

Chapter Text

Buck can't do this anymore. He can't keep sitting here, doing nothing. With every minute passing without news, he can feel his hope crumbling.

"What if he dies? Then the last thing I ever told him would be that I wish I had never met him. And ... I didn't mean it, Eddie. I ... I wasn't thinking," Buck says, looking at Eddie teary-eyed. "I feel so horrible. I never wanted this to happen!"

"Hey. Stop. You're spiralling. Have some faith in the surgeons, okay? They are experts. They're going to do everything they can to ensure Tommy will survive," Eddie tells him firmly. "You will talk to him soon."

Buck nods. And pleads. I just want a second chance.

Chapter Text

"When can I go home?" Tommy asks, tired eyes focused on the ceiling.

Eddie frowns. "Your body suffered complex trauma. You're not going home anytime soon."

"Don't like hospitals," Tommy mutters.

"No one does. But hey, you survived a helicopter crash."

"Yay," Tommy cheers sardonically. "I survived. Now I'm facing a long recovery until I can continue my lonely life in which I fuck everything good up."

"Tommy ..."

"Don't tell me I should be glad. I'm done pretending. My life doesn't work. Even the man I fell in love with hates me now."

"No, he doesn't," Eddie says dryly. "He's been here the whole time. Chim is forcing him to eat right now."

Tommy raises his head. "What?"

Chapter Text

„I was trying to propose.“

„What?!“ Buck stares at his boyfriend in utter disbelief.

„Yeah. I … I wanted to write it into the sky. That’s why Howie and Maddie were supposed to make sure you‘re at the exact location I needed you to be,“ Tommy says, struggling to keep his eyes open. The painkillers are making him dozy.

Buck blinks. Then says, very slowly, „Are … are you telling me that instead of seeing you crash land, I should have seen your proposal written into the sky?!“

„I’m sorry, Ev…“

„Yes. A thousand times yes. Let’s be the unluckiest married couple in the world,“ Buck breathes, kissing the back of Tommy‘s hand. The one that isn’t broken.

Chapter Text

It’s raining cats and dogs, thunder rolling in the distance.

Buck is not at work. He's watching Jee. They bake cookies and watch the new Disney movie, singing along to the lyrics of every song. Afterwards, Jee paints Buck’s nails in every possible color. "A rainbow!" She says delighted.

Jee is sleeping when Buck's phone vibrates with an incoming call.

"Eddie?" Buck frowns. "What ..."

"Buck. Tommy was in an accident. It's bad. Thought you should know."

Cold fear curls around Buck's heart. He remembers the last words he said to Tommy when they met by chance, born of rage: I wish I would have never met you.

I didn't mean it ...

"Is he alive?" Buck asks.

Chapter Text

"For our anniversary, I want to gift Tommy this stay at a farm. It sounds super romantic. We will sleep in a barn, in the hay. What do you think?"

Chimney looks at the flyer. He nods. "Sounds great. Do you know if they have chickens?"

Buck frowns. "Uh. I guess. Why?"

Chimney takes a sip of his orange juice and shrugs. "Just because. Have fun."

Later, when they're in the truck, Chimney and Hen are constantly glancing at each other and hiding giggles behind their hands.

Buck looks between them, bewildered. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Chimney says, shaking. "Just ... Do me a favour. Ask Tommy about Maurice."

Buck freezes. "Is that an ex?!"

Hen bursts out laughing.

Chapter Text

"Did I already tell you how much I love your nose?" Buck asks, kissing it.

Tommy hums. "You did. It's kind of funny. Kids used to tease me for it at school. But they always managed to find a reason. If it wasn't my nose or my face; it was my worn-out clothes, my voice or the fact I struggled to make friends." He shrugs, smiling weakly.

"I'm sorry you had to go through this," Buck says sadly. "Kids can be cruel."

"Well, I would like to see some of their faces now that I'm with a hot firefighter kissing my nose," Tommy says, chuckling.

Buck kisses it again. "The sheer hotness would probably make their heads explode."

Chapter Text

"You have to take a break."

Tommy startles. "Why? I'm fine. I don't need a break. I volunteered to take Smith's shift tomorrow .."
 
"That's exactly it," his Captain says, raising a brow. "You try to take every possible extra shift, working as much as you can. It's about to become a risk I can't accept taking. I can see you're exhausted. You're bound to make a mistake. Take a break. Rest. See a therapist. But don't use work to avoid dealing with the personal problem that's clearly bothering you."

Tommy feels like he's been punched. Panic stirs. Without work, he has no way to distract himself from the facts. This is officially the worst time of his life.

Chapter Text

Tommy opens the door and enters his cold empty house.

He feels numb.

That will change soon though. Now that he has too much time on his hands and is alone with his own mind. It's not a nice place to be in.

Tommy sits on his couch and stares into the void.

The Captain's words echo in his head. The personal problem that's clearly bothering you.

It's scary. But reality tells him it's time to confess some things to himself.

He's lonely.

He's miserable.

He misses Evan so much it's unbearable.

But he can't call, right? It's too late. Evan probably already moved on.

Tommy isn't brave. He knows he isn't. Instead of Evan, he calls Eddie.

Chapter Text

Buck stares at the empty plate in his hands. A few crumbs of scones are still on it.

He feels numb. Lonely.

Tommy walked out of the door. Out of Buck's life.

Stay. Please stay. I don't want to lose you.

And Eddie. Eddie wants to be with Chris in Texas.

Stay. Please stay. I don't want to lose you too.

Buck swallows. Why can't he keep the people he loves in his life? Why does everything have to fall apart?

He feels so damn powerless.

With a hoarse scream, Buck throws the plate. It shatters on the floor.

Buck stares at the pieces, his heart pounding. He doesn't feel bad about it. At least he did something.

Chapter Text

„Tommy.“

„Hm.“

„Tommy. The lasagna.“

„Hmmm.“

„Our food is going to burn, Tommy. Let me get up.“

„Fine,“ Tommy grumbles, raising his head from Buck‘s lap with a sigh, eyes unfocused, hair tousled and a bit of drool drying in the corner of his mouth. „Guess the lasagna is more important than me.“

Buck chuckles. „Don‘t be dramatic. You can continue your nap after I made sure our dinner is still edible. It has to cool off anyway.“

Tommy mumbles something unintelligible, his eyes already closing again and his lips parting as he displays his talent to fall asleep anywhere at any time and at remarkable speed.

Buck kisses Tommy‘s head and goes to check on the lasagna.

Chapter Text

Tommy walks into the station and as he takes a look around, memories flood him.

It's different. It's still the same. Somehow.

"Tommy!" Evan discovers him, a smile lighting up his face. He puts his hands on Tommy's hips and kisses him. "We are just about to eat! Come, join us."

"Are you sure?" Tommy asks. 

Evan takes his hand. "Of course."

No one bats an eye when Tommy sits at the table.

The food smells good. Everyone is talking and laughing. There are no nervous glances in the Captain's direction. There's no hiding. No hurtful remarks. Only friendly bickering. 

Tommy smiles and accepts a full plate of lasagna, his heart aching.

It's different. And he's different too.

Chapter Text

Eddie will be heartbroken and glad at the same time that he was the one in charge of triage. Later. When dust fades, adrenaline abates and reality settles in.

Right now, he's solely functioning.

He looks at the boy holding on to Tommy. Catalogues injuries. Knows.

"You doing triage?" Tommy asks him, voice clear and his eyes alert.

"Yeah."

"Good. The kid first. Head injury."

"Got it," Eddie says quietly. "Hold on, okay?"

"Okay," Tommy mumbles, his eyes closing now that adrenaline wears off. "Just ... tired."

"Hold on," Eddie repeats.

I'm sorry.

Buck pushes him. It hurts differently.

"He might have survived! There must have been a chance!"

"I did my job, Buck. You know that."

I'm sorry.

Chapter Text

"Make a wish," Maddie says teasingly when Buck blows out the candles on his birthday cake and everyone cheers.

Buck doesn't tell anybody. But he does make several wishes.

He wishes the armchair in the corner by the window wasn't empty.

He wishes the other side of his bed wasn't cold in the morning.

He wishes he'd been able to fill out the last few pages of the scrapbook.

Sometimes, he even wishes they would have been able to go together.

But then he looks around, at his family, and he realises that what they built is still there. Still needs him.

Buck visits Tommy's grave later. "Hello, my love," he says. "You would have loved this cake."

Chapter Text

Mrs. Lee once told him: If something deep inside you says something is not right about a person or situation, trust it. Always trust your instincts.

Chimney stares at the building. The pieces of information he collected from the people he checked on slowly connect in his head. Something is not right.

Distantly he hears Gerrard talking into the mic.

Tommy is not answering. Not coming out.

Something is not right.

Trust your instincts.

He's running. Running inside. Holds his breath. Finds Tommy. Lifeless. Is he breathing? No time.

Chimney grabs Tommy. Hoists him up with a grunt. Quickly. They have to get out.

He's running again. And is being pushed forward by the explosion.

Chimney doesn't stop.

Chapter Text

Eddie pushes. The world around him fades into the background.

There's only this. Only the familiar rhythm of chest compressions.

Eddie pushes. He can feel ribs giving away under the pressure of his clasped hands.

Come on. You're not leaving. Not like this. Not now. Not after finally reaching out. 

Eddie pushes, his teeth gritted.

When it's time again, he breathes air into Tommy's lungs, feeling his chest rise.

Come on.

Push.

I can do this the whole damn day if I have to. Come on.

Push.

Tommy gasps, his body convulsing. Flooded by relief, Eddie raises his head, looking right into Buck's wide-open haunted eyes. "Eddie."

Eddie nods. "I know."

Everything is going to be alright, Buck.

Chapter Text

"What do you think?" Buck asks Eddie, raising a brow.

"I think we can work with this," Eddie says with a low chuckle.

Ravi swallows as their combined gazes wander over his naked body.

He feels exposed in a way that makes heat coil in his stomach and shivers running down his back.

How did he end up here again?

Right. A conversation that was all jokes and blushed giggles. Until it was a beginning.

A "Do you want to try" led to a "Yes".

Still doesn't feel quite real though.

"Hey, probie," Buck says sharply. Ravi startles at the way his cocks hardens more. Buck smirks knowingly. "Come here."

And Ravi, pulled forward by invisible strings, obeys.

Chapter Text

"I don't know, Maddie ..."

"Come on, Josh, trust me. Chimney knows him. They've been working at the 118 together."

"Really? So Chimney would know if he's a serial killer, right?"

"He's a pilot," Maddie says, smiling. "You might even have talked to him already."

"Fine," Josh sighs. At this point, his love life can't get any worse.

"How did it go?" Maddie asks curiously.

Josh doesn't even try to hold back. "Oh, I felt like a fool from the moment I saw him. He's big, kind, attentive, snarky, a dork, and so so so hot. He made me feel like a loveworthy fool."

Maddie smiles. "Good. Are you seeing him again?"

"Yes," Josh says, his heart fluttering. "Absolutely."

Chapter Text

Taylor is at the bar, laughing and brushing her red hair back while talking to another woman.

Lucy scowls. "What is she doing here?"

Tommy frowns. "Who?"

"Never mind," Lucy mutters, face heating up when Taylor discovers her, smirks and raises her glass. "Let's go somewhere else."

God. I loathe her.

"You must be enjoying this ..."

"What?"

"Me being helpless."

"Shut up, Taylor. You're losing too much blood to be joking."

Taylor looks small and exhausted in the hospital bed, but she's alive.

"Thanks for saving my life," she says. "I owe you."

Lucy shrugs. "You could buy me a beer. I mean, after you recuperate."

Really, Donato? What happened to the loathing?

"Deal," Taylor says, smiling.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

The prologue isn't pretty.

Eddie got shot out of the sky. Now he's a machine, keeping people alive. The pilot is going to live. Probably.

"Hold on," Eddie tells him. "Help is on the way. What's your name?"

"Tommy."

"Tell me something about yourself, Tommy."

Eddie freezes. "Tommy?"

Buck looks between them, frowning. "Wait. You two know each other?"

"You could say that," Tommy says, leaning against the helicopter they will use to save Bobby and Athena.

"It's been a while," Eddie says quietly.

"Yes," Tommy agrees.

A kiss. A night. A goodbye.

"I don't know where my place is in all of this. I should leave."

"What if we don't want you to leave?"

"Buck ..."

"Stay."

"... Alright."

Chapter Text

"I want more time," Buck says, looking at his phone.

"We always want more."

Buck shakes his head. "Why now? Now that we got back together. Now that we're finally on the same page. Why?"

Tommy swallows. "We still don't know if this is real, Evan."

But all the chaos raging outside. That's real. And the alert they got on their phones says it's real too.

A nuclear bomb will strike Los Angeles in only a few minutes. There's no escaping that. If it's real.

Buck can't breathe.

"Hey," Tommy says quietly. "Come here."

Buck sinks into the embrace. Closes his eyes. Please ...

I just want another chance at love.

Time passes. 

Nothing happens.

They exhale. And kiss.

Chapter Text

Tommy raises his head in alarm, blinking into the void.

Something woke him up. His heart pulses fast with the aftershocks of a nightmare in which he's been achingly lonely.

Confused, he looks around, his eyes slowly getting used to the darkness, falling on the body beside him.

Evan is on his back, stretched out like a starfish, his mouth open as he snores quietly. A stripe of moonlight makes his hair shine.

He looks so peaceful. So beautiful.

The sight of him calms Tommy down again. There's no danger. No reason to be scared.

This is real. He's not alone.

Tommy lies back down, his fingers brushing Evan's hand. He closes his eyes and falls back asleep.

Chapter Text

"Really?" Evan asks, blinking sleepily at the screen in front of Tommy. "You're watching a movie about a plane crash while we're flying?"

"It's not crashing," Tommy corrects. "The pilot manages to save everyone by landing in the Hudson River. It's based on true events."

"Just like your life," Evan mutters and leans back, his eyes closing. "Unfortunately."

"What?" Tommy asks, frowning. "Why ..."

"Mayday," the pilot in the movie says. But somehow, his voice comes from everywhere. Booming like thunder. "Mayday!"

"What's going on?" Tommy asks, heart racing.

"Maybe you should wake up before you crash," a new voice tells him. Tommy looks up, right into his own grim face. "Before you lose your last chance at happiness."

Chapter Text

You love him.

Eddie comes home to Buck and Chris sitting on the couch side by side, watching Pirates of the Caribbean and eating popcorn.

Warmth blooms in his chest.

"Look, I'm Jack Sparrow," Buck says, walking around like he's drunk.

Chris laughs. "Captain!"

"Captain Jack Sparrow," Buck corrects.

Eddie joins their laughter. He feels home.

You always will.

Buck looks like he's trying not to break.

And Eddie doesn't want to be another crack.

But he has to do this.

He can come back.

He will.

Right?

You will never know peace.

"It's Buck."

Eddie already knew. It's always Buck. "How bad?"

"He's stable now. And asking for you."

Eddie's eyes meet Chris'. "We're on our way."

Chapter Text

"You're still avoiding me? Come on. It's been two days since it happened. I apologised," Buck says, waiting for a response in vain.

He sighs. "I really don't know what to do anymore. I brought your favourite treats. And you're ignoring me. It doesn't seem fair. Don't you think it's your turn now?"

Still nothing.

Tommy glances at Buck from where he's reading on the couch. "Babe, Bella is a cat. Give her time. She will forgive you when she feels like it."

"I can't stand it when animals are ignoring me," Buck says sadly.

"You stepped on her tail, Evan."

"It was an accident," Buck mutters.

Bella's glare seems to say: I'm not so sure about that.

Chapter Text

Buck is desperately scrubbing his hands.

The water turns pink.

Buck feels sick.

He keeps on scrubbing.

Water rushes. Freezing. Clean again.

But Buck can't stop scrubbing.

He's still seeing it. The blood.

Arms wrap around him from behind. Pull him away from the cold. "Evan! Stop. You have to stop. Jesus, you're scrubbing yourself raw."

"I can't. They aren't clean," Buck breathes, staring at his red hands.

Maybe they will never be clean again.

"Let me take a look," Tommy says softly, taking Buck's hands. "They are clean, Evan. Promise."

Buck wants to believe him. But when he looks, Eddie's blood is still on his skin, so he closes his eyes and sinks into Tommy's warm embrace.

Chapter Text

Tommy is supposed to be sad during the first flight of his life because they will attend an aunt's funeral.

He didn't really know her. Barely remembers how she looked and what she sounded like.

But his mother is crying, so Tommy does his best to be sad too, even though this is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to him.

He stares outside in awe, as the plane rolls faster and faster.

As the world gets smaller and smaller.

As this big metal bird flies higher and higher.

He watches as they float above cotton candy clouds, his heart racing.

On the next of his regular library visits, 10-year-old Tommy borrows his first-ever aeronautic book.

Chapter Text

"I guess this is Karma ..."

"Shut up, Tommy. I swear to God."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah. I know. You already told me that. Three fucking times."

"Just leave me here .."

"Heard that before too. And I told you: never," Buck gasps, taking another painstaking step forward. Desperate anger is his only fuel as he makes his slow way through rubble and dust, carrying Tommy's dead weight on his back.

"You ... you never give up," Tommy mutters, voice fading, breath shallow and rattling. "How ..."

"Everything can be fixed," Buck says, hoping Tommy's body isn't too broken. "Everything."

Lights flash red and blue in the blurry distance. A voice calls his name.

Come on. Almost there ...

Buck stumbles towards the light.

Chapter Text

"Hang in there, Tommy," Eddie says, working his way through the rubble Tommy is stuck in together with Chimney and Hen. 

"Haha, good one," Tommy mutters, head lolling to the side.

"Eddie," he adds, brows furrowing. "I think ... my legs are broken."

"It's alright. We -" Eddie freezes, his breath hitching.

"Jesus." Chimney's eyes widen.

Tommy's turnouts are dark from blood steadily seeping out from where a piece of metal pierces through his abdomen. 

"Think my legs are broken," Tommy wheezes. "Sorry."

Don't panic, Eddie tells himself, taking a steadying breath. Stay focused.

"Ev," Tommy whispers.

Right.

"Call Buck," Eddie tells Hen.

She nods, knowing as well as Eddie that Tommy might not make it out of this alive.

Chapter Text

"I'm cold, Evan," Tommy mutters.

"I'll warm you soon," Evan tells him over the phone which someone is holding to Tommy's ear. "But ... you have to stay awake for me, okay?"

"Kay," Tommy blinks, exhausted. "Trying."

So many people surround him.

Eddie's stern voice is an anchor in the chaos. Tommy has a hard time keeping up. But he hears "cut him free".

Free? Tommy frowns. Is he trapped? The rubble is off, right? He tries to sit up and see, but Eddie's hand immediately guides him back down. "Don't move."

Tommy grimaces. "Hurts. Evan?"

"I'm here," Evan says. "I won't leave. And you won't either, okay? You'll stay with me."

"Want to," Tommy murmurs, eyes closing. "Always ..."

Chapter Text

Eddie looks at his hands. They're clean now. But he can still see the blood.

Flashbacks torture him while he's waiting. Tommy talking about his broken legs while he's bleeding out. The flatline appearing on the monitor in the ambulance.

"He's still in surgery," Eddie says, when Buck arrives, eyes haunted and hopeful.

Buck hugs Eddie. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet," Eddie says, sighing heavily.

They still don't know if Tommy will survive. And even if he does ... there will be fallout after something like this.

But Buck shakes his head. "Thank you," he repeats firmly. "For letting me talk to him. For doing everything you could."

I did, Eddie thinks, exhausted. I did everything I could.

Chapter Text

"Morning sunshine," Evan says, kissing Tommy's nose.

Tommy smiles, eyes still closed.

He hears beeping. An alarm clock? No. Too quiet. Maybe it's coming from outside.

Forgetting about it, Tommy looks at Evan, with his gloriously tousled hair and sleep-soft eyes.

He's happy. But his heart feels so cold and heavy. Like a stone.

"You alright?" Evan asks.

"I have a suspicion this isn't real," Tommy admits.

Evan looks hurt. "Why would you say that?"

I knew it was too good to be true.

A door slams.

Tommy flinches. "Did you hear that?"

"What?" Evan frowns. "Baby, I'm worried. Did you have a nightmare again?"

Who can tell me I'm not living in one right now? Tommy wonders.

Chapter Text

Buck waits.

Around him, the world moves.

But Tommy is frozen. He's been asleep for four weeks now.

Buck winces when he hears some kind of brawl going on in the hallway.

A bulky man argues with the nurses. "I'm here to see my son, I don't care what your visitor list says!"

Realisation fills Buck with burning rage. "No," he says.

Tommy's father glares at him. "Who do you think you are?"

"I'm Tommy's boyfriend. He doesn't want you here."

The other man's face twists in disgust. "I don't care who you are. You can't stop me."

"I can. Tommy made me his proxy. If you don't leave, we'll have security escort you out," Buck says coldly.

Chapter Text

Tommy can't focus on the movie. It drives him crazy.

What's wrong with him? He should be happy. He's cuddling with his boyfriend, who is running his fingers through Tommy's hair in an even rhythm. They had an amazing dinner. Everything is nice and cosy.

But ... He can't shake the feeling that something's wrong. If only he would be able to find the reason for the restlessness that has possessed his mind.

"Babe, what's going on inside that head?" Evan asks, amused and worried.

"I'm sorry. I ... I don't know. Something feels off," Tommy mutters.

"Everything's alright," Evan tells him, pulling him closer. "You're safe here. With me. And you're never going to leave me"

Tommy freezes. "What?"

Chapter Text

Buck holds Tommy's hand and talks to him. Today, he's refreshing shared memories.

"Do you remember the curse of Billy Boils?" Buck smiles softly. "Well, I do feel pretty cursed right now. Please, Tommy. Wake up. I miss you so much. You helped me ending a curse before. Help me now."

"There's no curse," Tommy mutters.

Evan frowns. "What are you talking about?"

Tommy swallows, getting up from the couch. "I have to go. This isn't real."

Evan stands up as well. "Why would you say that?!"

"I ... I think I'm dreaming. The voices only I can hear, the feeling of something being wrong ... It all fits. You have to let me go."

Evan crosses his arms. "No."

Chapter Text

“Please," Tommy begs desperately. "Please, Evan. I don't want to hurt you. But I know it's what I have to do."

"Everybody always leaves me," Evan says, voice cracking.

Tommy cups his face. "Hey. I won't. I won't leave. I'll see you on the other side."

Evan swallows. "Promise?"

"Promise," Tommy says firmly.

"Okay," Evan breathes, a tear running down his face. "Alright."

He steps aside.

Tommy takes a deep breath and opens the door. He throws a last glance back at teary-eyed dream-Evan, his heart aching because he has a feeling that it's going to be painful to step outside.

"Tommy? Oh my - Tommy! He's waking up, get his doctor. Hey. I'm here, Tommy. I'm right here."

Chapter Text

"Wait. You don't have nyctophobia right?"

"I don't know, Evan, what does it mean?"

"It's extreme fear of being alone in the dark."

"Oh. No. I don't have that. My phobia is called my boyfriend forgot to warm the room and now I'm feeling like a snowman on display."

"Hey, don't forget that we are here because of you! In my head, I was still in Los Angeles, not in Alaska. Also, you're a very pretty snowman. Don't give me that look, you're going to melt soon anyway. Okay. Here comes the blindfold. Can you see anything?"

"No."

"Great. Ready for the headphones and trying to figure out if it's Eddie or me who's fucking you?"

"Fuck. Please."

Chapter Text

Eddie stares at Buck's naked butt, speechless.

"Oh. Hey, Eddie. Hey, Chris. There's lasagna in the kitchen if you're hungry," Buck mutters sleepily. Tommy, wrapped in the blanket, doesn't even wake up.

"Wow," Chris says dryly. "Congrats, I guess."

"When I told you to water my plants while I'm in Texas, I didn't think you would hear reconnect with your boyfriend in my bed, Buck," Eddie says later when they're alone.

Buck shrugs. "But yours is so much bigger and comfier. Also, I didn't see this coming either. Tommy appeared here to give a key back and expected to see you. I just pulled him into the house. It was instinct."

Eddie sighs. "Well. I'm happy for you."

Chapter Text

Sometimes, it's the most random thing.

A smell. A picture. A taste.

Or a song.

Buck is reading when it happens. When the familiar tune and lyrics make him perk up and freeze.

But I know time left its scars
Never change, oh my god, you were so caught up in your ways
You came for my cautious heart
Never bolt (ooh-ooh) from the blue (ooh-ooh)
No one ever hit me harder than you

He listens. And cries.

It hurts.

Arms wrap around him. "Oh Dad," Nina says quietly. "The song?"

Buck nods. Sniffs. "Blindside. I used to listen to it when ... when we were broken up. I miss him so much."

"I know. I miss him too."

Chapter Text

Buck feels his breath being pushed out of his lungs as he hits the mat with his back for the fifth time today. "Uff!"

Tommy chuckles and pins Buck's wrists with his big hands, coming close enough for the tips of their noses to almost touch. Buck's heart flutters.

"Are you giving up?" Tommy asks.

"Never," Buck retorts, his body sore and achy in places he usually doesn't feel that much. It's interesting. It's nice. It's filling him with adrenaline.

Later, he looks at his bruises sadly. "I'm going to feel this for days."

"Hey, you asked for Muay Thai lessons. You got them."

"Can we do flying lessons next?"

"You think they will hurt less?"

"Uh, what?!"

Chapter Text

"Who is Tommy?" Ravi asks confused.

"Buck's boyfriend," Eddie tells him.

"Oh." Ravi smiles. "Nice! I'd like to meet him sometime."

"Where's Tommy?" Ravi asks.

Buck looks away. And hopes that's answer enough.

Buck wanted to bake his rage and sadness away. Instead, he's at a gay club.

"Are we going to hit the dancefloor?" Ravi asks, grinning.

Buck shrugs.

"Hey. There's Tommy!" Ravi calls.

What?!

And yes. There's Tommy, hunched over, staring at his beer.

"Will you talk to him?" Ravi asks.

"Uh." Buck can only stare.

Suddenly, Ravi is gone. Buck startles, looking around. And can't believe it when he sees Ravi appearing next to Tommy, talking to him. Ravi points. Buck curses. Tommy's eyes widen.

Chapter Text

Tommy's teacher is moved by his performance. 

"You're a good actor," she tells him excitedly. "I'd love to see you in our stage play. Invite your parents to the show!"

"Sure," Tommy says. He knows it's never going to happen. But it's nice to hear some kind words.

Being dramatic is okay if you're on stage. 

But not if you can't stand the way potato mush feels in your mouth. Not if you're curled up on the floor because everything is too loud. Then it's "stop the act" and "stop being weird".

Tommy is a good actor. Masks hide secrets and weaknesses.

He's not acting when he tells Evan: "I'm not as confident as you think I am."

Chapter Text

Buck is baking Brooklyn Blackout Cake. The internet called it a difficult chocolate cake. Wasn't much of a challenge, Buck thinks numbly, staring at the rising cake in the oven.

"This smells so good."

Buck freezes.

First, he thinks he only imagined the quiet voice. But no. It's Tommy, standing at the door Buck seems to have left open.

Buck's heart acts before his mind. "You can have a piece if you want."

Tommy swallows. "Really?"

"Sure. Just have to add the ganache first." Buck hesitates. Adds, "Is that what you came for?"

Tommy shakes his head. "I heard about the baking. But ... I wanted to talk."

"Okay," Buck says quietly. "Talking first. Cake after."

We have time.

Chapter Text

Tommy loves "bring your kid" day.

"So, who's flying with me today?" He asks cheerfully.

The boy is shy, hiding behind his mother's leg and clinging to her jacket.

"Tommy, this is Thomas," she says smiling.

"Oh, we share a name. Nice. You've been blessed with nickname potential. Hey, I love your backpack!"

More of the kid's face appears. "Thanks. That's Batman. He's my favourite vigilante." He looks Tommy up and down. "You look like Bruce Wayne. Are you a vigilante too?"

Tommy is about to say no but then remembers he stole a helicopter, so he settles on a teasing "sometimes". 

He saves the Bruce Wayne comment for later, to brag about it when he's with Evan.

Chapter Text

It's not a good day.

Tommy almost oversleeps.

The place he always gets his breakfast from changed something about his favourite sandwich and now he doesn't want it anymore.

At work, they have one horrible call after the other.

Tommy is completely done when he finally returns home. He doesn't even manage to drag himself to the couch.

Instead, he collapses in the hallway, pressed to the wall, eyes squeezed shut. Hiding from the world.

Stop overacting, a voice that sounds vaguely like his father's, barks. Be normal.

Tommy doesn't have the energy though.

Evan doesn't tell him to be normal. He brings Tommy a blanket and waits with him until the world stops being lightning and thunder.

Chapter Text

„I can do this.“

„You don’t need to do it alone, I’m right here. Let me help.“

„You don‘t have to.”

„But I want to!“

It‘s not the first time. Tommy doesn‘t let Buck help. Not even when he‘s sick.

„You do know it‘s okay to accept help, right?“ Buck asks.

Tommy sighs. „I‘m sorry. I‘m so used to doing things by myself and avoid being a burden. Guess it‘s hard to unlearn that.“

Did someone tell Tommy he‘s a burden? Buck wishes he could have a word with them…

„You will never be a burden to me. I want to take care of you,“ he assures. „Sit and let me do the dishes.“

Tommy finally smiles. „Okay.“

Chapter Text

"It's an invasion," Tommy says horrified.

Buck hums. He crouches to take a closer look at the endless line of ants marching through the hallway right to the kitchen. "Looks like they found the crumbs of your midnight cake feasts and brought all their friends, to join you," he teases.

Tommy crosses his arms over his chest and huffs. "Well, I don't want them here. Any idea how to get rid of ants without killing them?"

"Did you know a single ant can carry 50 times its body weight?" Buck says, distractedly. 

"Amazing. Can they carry each other out of here?" Tommy asks dryly.
 
Buck chuckles. "Vinegar or a citrus solution might help. They don't like the smell."

Chapter Text

"I'm not that guy anymore," Buck says, hair dripping.

He's soaked, clothes clinging to his skin. It's dark, cold and raining, his heart is stuttering like a broken engine, but Buck doesn't care. He needs to say some things. And Tommy will listen.

"I'm not that guy who always moved too fast, too careless, too impulsive. Who didn't know what he was chasing after. I did a lot of reflection. I'm not lost. I know what I want. And I can fight for it!"

Tommy swallows. "Evan ..."

"I tried to meet other people, you know? But I don't want them. I only want you. So stop telling me -"

Buck gasps when Tommy kisses him. The rain tastes salty.

Chapter Text

Tommy wakes up with a gasp. He sits up, his heart still racing.

"Tommy?" Evan stirs beside him, blinking at him in confusion. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. It was just a nightmare," Tommy mutters, feeling guilty for waking his boyfriend up.

But Evan hums in sympathy, reaching out to stroke Tommy's back. "What was it about?"

Tommy swallows. "It was while we were broken up. You brought cake to my doorstep. In a basket. But when I looked inside, a giant rooster jumped out and started to chase me, screaming at me to reconcile with you. I ran from it. It's so stupid."

"Oh." Evan's lips are twitching.

They look at each other. And start laughing hysterically.

Chapter Text

Hell is an abandoned kitchen in the middle of the night. Hell is the flashes of the cameras as the police take pictures. 

Evidence. They are collecting and securing evidence.

Buck numbly stares at the chaos around him.

This has to be a nightmare.

But only Jee is sleeping.

Chimney paces, fist pressed to his mouth, eyes haunted.

She's been gone before, Buck thinks, his stomach clenching. But not like this.

Bobby puts a hand on Chimney's shoulder. "We are going to find her, Chim."

"Where are we even start searching?" Chimney asks, tears filling his eyes.

Yes. Where? Buck's heart sinks into a bottomless abyss of fear.

Where?

Where are you, Maddie?

Nightmares don't hurt like this.

Chapter Text

Tommy exhales a relieved sigh, the tension in his body ebbing away as his mind processes the information on the papers before him.

No abnormalities showed up in his blood tests. Or in Evan's. Great.

He's been anxious. He always is.

To love and be loved is a wonderful thing. But sometimes, it's painful. Because his mind travels to dark places when it has the idea of one of them being sick. The image of Evan withering away in a hospital bed... Tommy shudders.

Arms wrap around him from behind.

"Hey, handsome, how are you?" Evan asks, his warm breath tickling Tommy's ear.

Tommy smiles, covering one of Evan's hands with his own. "I'm fine."

Now I am.

Chapter Text

The candle throws flickering shadows on the walls. Their dance is mesmerizing.

It's warm in the loft and thanks to the wine, Buck's head is floating pleasantly. 

Tommy smiles at him, offering a hand. "May I have this dance?" He asks teasingly.

Buck chuckles and takes Tommy's hand. They dance like the shadows. A little chaotically, a little out of control.

They dance at their wedding too. Slowly, this time. Gently.

Buck's head is resting on Tommy's shoulder.

He closes his eyes, feeling content.

This is where he's supposed to be.

Buck wraps his arms around himself in the futile search for warmth.

Tommy left him in winter.

Silence remains. And Buck knows he's never gonna dance again.

Chapter Text

Buck looks good. It burns to look at him.

Between the chopper and the truck, they talk for the first time in weeks.

"It's okay if you resent me," Tommy says. I deserve it. 

Buck shakes his head. "I don't. Maybe I did at first. But I had time to think. And now I feel sad for you. Because this has never been about me. It's about your insecurities. You listened to them instead of to me. And if you're not ready to admit that to yourself, it's no use screaming."

With that, Buck leaves.

Tommy freezes, staring after him.

Somehow, this hurts more than what he expected to happen.

It feels like a slap in the face.

Chapter Text

Tommy shakes his head. "I don't know what to do, Eddie."

"Look," Eddie says, "I'm terrible at giving advice. But I went through many breakups. They felt bad, of course, but they also felt right. Like it wasn't supposed to be forever. I always managed to move on. It was different with ... with Shannon. That's why we wanted to try again. But we didn't get a second chance. She died."

He swallows. "What I'm trying to say is, if you feel like this isn't the end, then maybe just ask for another chance as long as you still can."

"Thank you," Tommy breathes. "That helps a lot."

Eddie frowns. "It does?"

But Tommy already searches for his phone.

Chapter Text

It happens during a harmless game of basketball.

But that's the thing.

It always comes back to haunt Eddie when he doesn't think about it. When he doesn't smell smoke and doesn't feel blood on his hands.

Eddie throws the ball.

And something explodes behind him.

He's on the ground. Ducking. Pressing his hands on his ears. But then he remembers the chopper. Remembers the others. Where are they?!

"Eddie."

Tommy doesn't touch him. He knows better than that. Of course, he does.

"It was a firecracker, Eddie."

Oh. Eddie's face burns.

"You want to talk about it?" Tommy asks.

Normally, Eddie would say no. But this time, he has a friend who might understand.

"Yes," he says.

Chapter Text

"Wait." 

Buck seizes Tommy's arm. Holds him back.

"You can't be serious," he says angrily. "You want to leave like that? You're not even going to listen to me? How's that fair?!"

Tommy doesn't meet his eyes. "I did listen to you. And ..."

"What? You think I can't be serious? That I don't know what I want? Just because I haven't been with a man before? Or is this actually about you? Are you scared? Did ... did something happen in your past that makes you think you can't have this? Just tell me!"

But Tommy doesn't.

Because this never happened.

Buck is still sitting at the table, staring into the void Tommy left behind.

He wasn't fast enough.

Chapter Text

"That was fun, wasn't it?" Buck says excitedly when they strip off their costumes.

"I don't know," Eddie shrugs. "All those cameras and people shouting directions ... It's distracting. Stressful."

"Come on, you're fighting fires," Buck points out. "Imagine if we'd be film stars. Doesn't have to be Hotshots. We could be starring in some kind of spinoff. As main characters!"

Eddie smiles. Seeing Buck all excited just because he got to play a nurse who had like one line is cute. "I'm not actor material."

"I think you would be great. And you would have lots of fans," Buck says. "With those lips."

He leaves before a stunned Eddie can ask what the hell he means with that.

Chapter Text

Lucy and Tommy have a stare-off at his doorstep.

"Are you going to tell me why you're not coming to work? You always come to work," she says.

"I have the flu," Tommy mutters.

"The flu makes you cry?" Lucy asks, raising a sceptical brow while she takes in Tommy's red eyes and the tracks of fresh tears on his cheeks.

"Maybe." Tommy shrugs. He starts to turn away. "I should go back to bed."

"Okay, I'm going to be clear. I'm here because I'm worried, Tommy," Lucy says. "Nobody has heard from you for days. What's going on? Did Buck do something stupid?" 

Tommy scoffs. "Buck didn't do anything. It was me."

Lucy's stomach sinks. "Oh, Tommy."

Chapter Text

"What are we waiting for?" Tommy asks, rubbing at his bandaged head. "Dinner? Cake?"

"No. Your husband will be here soon," Eddie says. Hopefully.

Tommy bursts into disbelieving laughter. "Who would marry someone like me? Ha. Good joke."

Jesus. Eddie is glad when Buck enters the room with a smile.

"Thanks for staying with him. Ready to go home, Tommy?

Tommy blinks up at Buck in awe. "Home? Home with you? You married me? You did?!"

"Uh. Yeah," Buck frowns, glancing at Eddie who shrugs helplessly.

"Thank you," Tommy sobs, clinging to Buck's hand. He tilts sideways, almost falling out of bed. Buck hurries to steady him.

"Ooookay, they dosed you with the good stuff, huh? Let's go."

Chapter Text

Buck finds Tommy in the kitchen, staring at the kettle.

"Hey, handsome," he says teasingly, kissing Tommy's cheek. "Did you get lost in your thoughts?"

But when he sees Tommy's face remaining stone-serious, his smile drops. "Tommy?"

"I ... I can't remember," Tommy breathes, wringing his hands.

"Can't remember what?"

"Why I boiled the water."

"Oh. Did you want to make tea?" Buck tries to help, something cold and dreadful curling around his heart at the way Tommy's voice shakes. He sounds ... scared.

"Tea," Tommy repeats, scratching his head. "Yeah. Probably?"

He opens the drawer and asks, "You want one too?"

Later, Buck finds a cup in the bathroom. A teabag is already in it. He wants to cry.

Chapter Text

"So you remember the fire at the shelter? Turns out Tommy knows one of the workers there, and now we are helping them to rebuild." 

Buck shows Chimney pictures on his phone, smiling fondly. "Here's Tommy, building a doghouse ... Oh. And here I zoomed a little closer to Tommy's arms." Buck ducks his head and quickly swipes past the pictures definitely not including the doghouse.

Chimney is a pro at doing the unexpected, though. He swipes back to take a closer look and whistles.

Buck gives him a look.

Chimney shrugs. "What? Tommy is a compelling guy. I've been compelled since day one."

He walks away chuckling, leaving Buck to figure out what this might mean by himself.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

The first glimpse of blue sky after flying through a wall of black smoke always is the most beautiful sight.

Tommy drinks it in.

Peaceful. Even with the smell of burning trees and melting metal.

This is probably how it was always supposed to happen, Tommy thinks, closing his eyes.

It's fitting. The voice cutting through the silence is not.

"Tommy!"

Tommy frowns, blinking.

The blue makes place for Evan. His face is covered in soot. It's in his hair too. And ash. Grey flakes raining down on Tommy's face.

"Don't you dare leaving me again!" Evan tells him.

I never left, Tommy thinks before passing out. I took you with me everywhere. Just like I do now.

Chapter Text

"That fire is a beast," Tommy says and coughs.

"Yeah, but it can't have you," Buck says grimly. "Come on. We are almost there ..."

Tommy is exhausted, but he tries his best to keep up, dragging his broken leg forward as they stumble towards safety.

Buck supports Tommy and moves with grim determination. The same determination that made him ignore all warnings and run into the burning building.

"You shouldn't have ..." Tommy starts.

"Save your energy," Buck says. "And don't dare suggest I shouldn't have come for you."

I'd always come for you. Like you came for me.

The building creaks.

"Evan," Tommy croaks. "If this ... If something happens. I want you to know -"

The ceiling gives in.

Chapter Text

"There are some measures we can take to extend your life expectancy," the doctor says kindly.

"Extend?" Buck exclaims, almost jumping up from his chair, but he still has his arm wrapped around Tommy protectively. "What ... What do you mean by extend? We are here to hear about a cure!"

"Evan," Tommy says quietly.

"It ... it doesn't matter where. Or how much money. I can -"

"Evan!"

Buck winces, looking at Tommy wide-eyed. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Tommy tells him. "I'm alright, Evan. I want to hear what the doctor has to say."

Buck's stomach sinks. Keeps sinking. Into an abyss of fear. 

Tommy listens to the doctor. Buck doesn't. He drowns in his spiraling thoughts.

I can't lose him.

Chapter Text

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Oh. Hey, Maddie."

"Buck? Oh. Buck ..."

"Yeah. Can ... can you send them?"

"Of course. I'm sorry, Buck."

Buck lowers the phone, feeling strangely calm for the first time in months. For the first time since he learned about Tommy's illness and since they prepared for ... this.

Outside, the sun is shining.

Tommy is facing the window. As if he'd been looking at the blue sky until he took his last breath.

Buck swallows. He leans forward to place a gentle kiss on Tommy's forehead. After a moment of hesitation, he pulls the blanket over Tommy's still face.

Then he leans back and waits.

Waits for his family to arrive and pick up the pieces.

Chapter Text

"I'm sorry, Evan."

"Hey. Don't ... don't say it like this. You will be okay. We will talk, Tommy. We will talk. And figure this out."

Tommy closes his eyes. Evan's hope makes him smile even though the ground is steadily coming closer. There's more he needs to say before ... before the end. 

"I wanted to quit my job tomorrow," he admits.

"Oh."

"Yes. I wanted to quit and run away. Because I'm a coward. I would have run instead of telling you the truth."

"What's the truth, Tommy?" Evan asks shakily.

"The truth is I love you," Tommy says, with tears in his eyes. "I love you so much it scared me. And I would do anything to -"

Chapter Text

Buck blinks into the morning light, his eyes still swollen and red from all the sobbing.

He grimaces as he straightens and stretches. Spending a whole night in a plastic chair really is not a good idea.

But he decides it's been worth the sight of Tommy opening his eyes as well.

"Evan?" Tommy breathes, raising his bandaged head a little before letting it sink back with a quiet groan.

Buck smiles. "Hey. Welcome back. Don't move too much, okay? Your body is pretty banged up."

That's an understatement. It's been a close call. Too close, Buck remembers with a heavy heart.

Tommy frowns. "Is this ..."

"It's real," Buck assures, taking Tommy's hand. "And I love you too."