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Language:
English
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Published:
2020-06-15
Completed:
2020-07-20
Words:
61,510
Chapters:
30/30
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Pack a Bag, Say Goodbye

Summary:

It wasn’t the first time he felt unwanted. In fact, it was an all too familiar feeling. But the last time he felt this way, he had left. Run off to South America and wherever else he could find himself. But the one thing that had helped him stop feeling lost, the place where he had found himself, had been ripped away from him.

So, why was he still there? What was the point in sticking around?
---

After the lawsuit, Buck is struggling when he realizes how unwanted he is at work. When he makes the decision to leave, how will everyone react? And to what lengths will they go to get Buck back?

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Buck was tired. 

 

It wasn’t just a ‘poor night’s sleep’ tired. It wasn't ‘exhausted from a twenty-four shift’ tired. No, he was tired from everything. It didn’t matter if he slept two hours or eight, Buck was tired. He couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t felt like this. 

 

Well, that was a lie. He knew the last time he felt well-rested. It was right after he passed his recertification test, the night before the party and Bobby and Athena’s. He had slept so well, excited to finally be getting his life back, to finally be getting back to what he loved, to be getting back to his family. 

 

And then he coughed up blood and passed out in their backyard. 

 

After that, it felt like bad news after bad news. The pulmonary embolism, light duty, the tsunami, Bobby’s revelation that he was keeping back from coming back to the 118, the lawsuit, the grocery store incident. All of that just left Buck feeling exhausted. 

 

At first, he had tried to prove to them how sorry he was. He had tried to do his best to just do the chores, to not complain or whine because at least he had his job back. But that didn’t matter. Bobby wasn’t letting him back on calls. Eddie avoided him and refused to talk to him. Everyone else at the station whispered when he was around. If it wasn’t for Hen and Chimney, he was sure he would’ve given up weeks ago. But at least they were there, supportive when they could be without ruffling any feathers. But all Buck wanted was forgiveness and for things to go back to normal. 

 

It didn’t matter how many times he apologized or kept his head down at work, forgiveness was not coming. 

 

“Buckaroo.” Buck was sitting on the bench in the locker room, drowning in his own thoughts as he often found himself doing. Chimney was the one trying to get his attention.

 

“Sorry Chim,” Buck said, a quietness to his voice. “What were you saying?”

 

“I was asking if you were coming to game night,” Chimney said. “Josh is bringing take-out from this great Indian place he found.”

 

“Oh um.” Buck’s voice drifted off as Eddie walked into the locker room. As always, he didn’t even spare a glance at Buck. It was like Buck was invisible to Eddie. And that hurt so damn much. “I don’t think I can make it.” Chimney raised an eyebrow at that. “Yeah, sorry.”

 

“You know Maddie’s going to call you and ask why.”

 

“I know,” Buck said with a sigh. “I just...I can’t.” He grabbed his bag and exited the locker room. As he walked out, he heard the whispers that always followed him, the words like ‘traitor’ and ‘bad luck Buck’. 

 

And all of it just left him feeling exhausted.

As Buck sat in his empty apartment, he let out a long sigh. He couldn’t keep doing this. He couldn’t keep going to a place where most people hated him. He couldn’t keep coming home to an empty apartment where nobody reached out. 

 

Maddie tried, Buck knew she did. But between work and her relationship, sometimes it was just texts and not calls. She had, like Chimney pointed out, texted Buck to see if he was okay. Buck had simply texted back stating he was just a little tired and needed to catch up on sleep. Maddie had accepted that, sending back a simple heart. 

 

He knew he should’ve been more honest with Maddie. He wondered if she actually knew how hard of a time he was having. Chimney saw first hand what Buck was going through. Did Maddie know and not care? Or was Buck just doing a good job acting like he was fine with it all?

 

The truth was, he wasn’t fine with it. He had worked so hard to get back to a family that didn’t want him. A family that would’ve rather seen him stuck behind a desk than doing what he loved. A family that had so easily replaced him with a new face and a piece of tape. 

 

It wasn’t the first time he felt unwanted. In fact, it was an all too familiar feeling. But the last time he felt this way, he had left. Run off to South America and wherever else he could find himself. But the one thing that had helped him stop feeling lost, the place where he had found himself, had been ripped away from him. 

 

So, why was he still there? What was the point in sticking around?

 

He looked at his stupid apartment. It had looked so cool and inviting when he had first toured the place with Ali. But now? Now, he hated it. It, like everything else in his life, was a reminder of the bad, of the things that exhausted him.

 

He couldn’t stay there. Not in the apartment, not in the 118, not in Los Angeles. He needed to go.

 

So, that was what he was going to do. 

It wasn’t an easy process, preparing to leave. First, he had to get rid of all his furniture. He gave the TV to his elderly neighbor who recently told him hers broke. He reached out to his old roommates about the dishes and couch, which they happily took off his hands. He managed to sell the bedframe and the dresser. After a few days, it was just a mattress and the things he wanted to keep. 

 

He started living out of a backpack, glad that he had kept his giant pack from his days in South America. It had maybe two weeks worth of clothes in it, as well as some mementos he didn’t want to part with. The rest was donated or stored. When he had put the items in the storage unit, he wondered if he’d ever come back to it. Maybe he’d just leave it there until one day, some dumb reality show about people who buy storage lockers would find it. Not that anyone would want it. It was just junk he didn’t need anymore. 

 

The hardest part was not telling anyone what he was up to. Sure, Bobby and Eddie didn’t care or notice. But Chimney was suspicious. Buck wasn’t letting Maddie come to his apartment, making excuses for why she shouldn’t. Hen must’ve noticed something was up to. She was constantly inviting him over for dinner or asking if he wanted to grab a drink after work. But he said no each time. It would be easier to push them away now, so that his leaving didn’t come as too much of a shock.

 

On his last day at the station, he didn’t say anything. He knew the paperwork from the chief would go through the next day. He wanted to be long gone by the time anyone knew what was up. No one even noticed that he showed up to work in an Uber (he had sold his Jeep). As most people continued to ignore him, Buck knew his decision was right. He knew the bus ticket burning a hole in his pocket had been the right choice.

 

“Buckaroo!” He was walking out, after another shift of whispers and being ignored and being relegated to cleaning duty, when Hen and Chimney approached him. He could see Eddie lurking by his car. “We’re all going to a bar for drinks and appetizers. Maddie and Josh are going to come after they're done too.”

 

“You should come,” Hen said, a sweet smile on her face. “It’ll be fun.”

 

“I promised my neighbor I’d help her set up some new furniture,” Buck said, the lie so easily falling off his tongue. Hen frowned a little and Buck sighed. “Sorry.”

 

“You sure?” Chimney asked. Buck glanced to the side, feeling like Eddie was boring a hole into his head. Just seeing that empty look on his former best friend’s face….he sighed.

 

“Positive.” Chimney pursed his lips, like he wanted to say something, but just sighed. 

 

“Alright,” He said. “But Maddie wants you to come over for dinner soon.”

 

“Sounds great.” Chimney nodded and then they were gone. Buck stood in the parking lot as all the cars pulled away, staring at the station.

 

Then, with a shake of his head, he turned and walked away.

It was dark outside as he sat in the bus station. His bus was set to leave in a few minutes. He stared at his phone, knowing he only had a few things left to do. 

 

So, he dialed the first number. 

 

“ Hello ?” 

 

“Hey Bosko,” Buck said. “Sorry to call you randomly, I just need to ask you something.”

 

“ Okay .” Lena’s voice sounded confused, but it was clear she was willing to listen. 

 

“I had my last shift at the 118 today,” Buck began. “And I know someone’s already reached out to you about covering for an open spot there. I just...Look out for Eddie, okay? He’s got Christopher to think about.”

 

“ Buckley, what’s going on ?”

 

“Just promise me you’ll look out for him,” Buck begged. “And please, don’t tell anyone I called you. Not yet at least.” He heard Lena sigh.

 

“ Damn Buckley. I don’t know what happened, but I’m sorry .” Buck sighed. “ I’ll keep an eye on Diaz. ”

 

“Thanks Lena.” And then he ended the call. 

 

One down, two to go.

“ Well if it isn’t my favorite handsome firefighter .” Buck chuckled as Carla picked up the phone. “ Been a minute since I heard from you .”

 

“Yeah sorry,” Buck said, a sadness to his voice. “Been busy. Look, I know you’re watching Christopher right now. Is there any way I could talk to him?”

 

“ I think he’d rather see you ,” Carla said and Buck sighed. Yeah, he’d rather see Chris in person. But this was easier. Made it hurt less. “ But I’ll go grab him .” He heard some quiet sounds on her end, followed by a giggle.

 

“ Buck ?” Buck felt a tear prick at the side of his eye. God, he was going to miss Christopher so much.

 

“Hey Superman,” Buck said, trying to smile. 

 

“ I miss you Buck .” He bit back the sob that was threatening to bubble up. “ Why don't you come to our house anymore. Are you and daddy not friends anymore ?”

 

“No, I’ve just been busy,” Buck said, wiping a few tears away. 

 

“ Can you come visit soon ?” Buck nearly burst hearing that. How he wished everything could go back to normal and he could have those movie nights back with Eddie and Christopher. They had been everything to him and then he ruined it all. Eddie would never let him back into that house, no matter how hard Buck begged. It didn’t matter how much he loved both of them, he had ruined it. 

 

“Listen buddy,” Buck said, his voice soft to hide that he was crying. “I just wanted to call and say hi and just let you know how much I...I care about you, okay?”

 

“ Buck ?”

 

“Can you give the phone back to Carla?” There was silence, followed by some rustling.

 

“ Buck, what’s going on ? Carla’s voice was filled with concern. 

 

“Just take good care of them, both of them.” And then he ended the call. He buried his head in his hands, trying to stop the sobs threatening to rip through him. 

 

He sniffed and lifted his head up, wiping the tears away. Two down, one to go.

This was going to be the hardest call. Buck knew that. But he had to do it anyway. So he dialed the number, his lip already quivering.

 

“ Hey you .” Maddie’s cheerful voice answered and Buck swallowed, trying not to break down already. “ We missed you tonight.”

 

“Maddie.” And then a sob ripped through him.

 

“ Buck? Buck, what’s wron g?” He could hear the concern in her voice. He could hear her moving around, probably looking for her keys to go to his apartment. 

 

“Maddie, I just need you to listen to me, okay?”

 

“ Buck. ”

 

“Maddie, please,” He begged and he heard a sniffle on the other end. “I...I’m leaving LA, Maddie. I can’t stay here anymore. Not when I don’t have anything left here.”

 

“ What about your job? What about your friends? Me.” Buck squeezed his eyes shut, his tears blurring his vision.

 

“Maddie I love you, but you have Chimney.” He tried to wipe the tears away, but they kept falling. “The 118 doesn’t need me anymore. They certainly don’t want me around. I just...I have to go.”

 

“ Buck, please .” He could hear his sister crying and that nearly wrecked him. But then he heard a boarding announcement for his bus.

 

“I’m sorry Maddie. I love you.” Then he hung up the call before she could get another word in. He knew Maddie was going to call him back, so he turned the phone off. He stared at it before getting up. He was leaving LA and no one was going to stop that. He headed towards the doors, seeing the bus waiting outside. As he passed by a garbage can, he threw his phone in it. He’d get a new phone eventually and maybe even call Maddie. 

 

But for now, he needed to disappear. And he needed to make sure no one found him. 

 

With one last look at the city, Buck sighed before getting onto the bus, ready to leave that godforsaken city forever.