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Part 1 of introducing, the court jester , Part 1 of unraveling Naruto canon with OCbito Uchiha
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2022-04-01
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2025-01-30
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54/?
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A Series of Very Foolish Events

Chapter 27: rock, paper, scissors, except it's man, wind, and tree

Notes:

I would like to mention that Orochimaru can regrow his tongue and also the entire thing wasn’t cut off
if… that wasn’t clear
LOL

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

There are not many who can claim they’ve called Orochimaru a bitch, and there are even less who can say that they spat it into his face.

It’s not the best decision. It’s not even a good one. Nonetheless, he meets the devil’s golden gaze, grins with crimson-stained teeth, and laughs.

Orochimaru’s hand lashes out, icy fingers digging into his chin. “Pray there be mercy in the Pure Lands,” he hisses, amusement wiped clean from his expression, “For I will not bestow any such kindness upon a fool like you.”

Obito forces out a raspy exhale and leans forwards with a whisper on his lips. “Better not give me any sort of disease with those gross-ass nails, you poetic fuck.”

Orochimaru’s grip tightens for all of a moment before Obito is sent flying through the air.

He chokes on a wheeze when wood splinters beneath his back, and absently hopes that amongst the cracking sounds he hears, none of them belong to his bones.

Before he can even bring himself to his feet, Orochimaru grabs him by the collar and throws him to the forest floor. His teeth gnash together, rattling in his skull, and dust swarms within his vision.

“What you have is not courage,” Orochimaru informs him, stepping out from the tawny cloud to plant his foot onto Obito’s chest, “But plain idiocy.”

“That’s not… what your mom said… last night…,” Obito manages to choke out. His lips part a moment later, and as his vision flashes white, a pained scream is ripped from his throat.

“I’d suggest you’d quit while you’re ahead,” Orochimaru hisses dangerously, face sloughing off in chunks, “But you’ve already fallen far behind.”

Obito forces out a strangled laugh, shuddering when his ribs creak. “Thought you… might’ve been lonely… back there… all by yourself…”

Orochimaru narrows his eyes, and just before he manages to lower his heel once again, Obito latches onto his ankle with his left arm.

“Hnggh,” Obito lets out intelligently, and uses the brief window he has to roll to the side.

I’m going to vomit, he thinks as stars twinkle in his vision. He can barely breathe.

Still, he forces himself to stand on trembling legs, inhaling sharply when he nearly trips over a stray root.

“Pathetic,” Orochimaru says, disgust defiling his annoyingly elegant features. “Konoha has truly lowered its standards since I’ve left.”

Obito frowns, briefly, before remembering that he’s wearing some mockery of an ANBU getup.

“At least… I’m not stripping… in front of a man… I’ve just met…,” he taunts as the last vestiges of Orochimaru’s disguise fall away.

“Do you truly not know when to quit?” Orochimaru asks, looking like he’s had some sort of epiphany. “You’re almost as terrible as Jiraiya.”

I’m just hoping that if you get annoyed enough, you’ll just keel over and die, he thinks, but does not say.

Instead, he offers the following: “It’s an honor… to be likened… to Lord Orochimaru’s… on-and-off-again… boyfriend…”

Orochimaru blinks lazily, like a bored cat. Obito swallows back a curse. It’s clear that the man has all but lost his interest.

“I see,” he says simply, and then raises an arm. “This has been interesting, but I’m afraid I have places to be.”

Blood rushes past Obito’s ears. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

His eyes begin to burn. He’s barely able to blink the red tint from his eyes.

Between one blink and the next, Obito’s stumbling backwards several steps to the left, arm falling to his side as he watches a giant fucking tree get shredded to pieces.

Slowly, Orochimaru’s gaze slides over to him. He has recaptured his interest. He doesn’t think this is a good thing.

“Mokuton,” the man murmurs, like he’s tasting the word in his mouth. “One of them survived…?”

Shit, he thinks I’m Tenzou, he thinks, and then, Shit, he thinks I’m Tenzou.

“Hm… Perhaps you are worth keeping alive…”

Obito swallows as Orochimaru straightens to his full height, hand brushing across the mokuton-made tree.

Before he can get any closer, Obito directs a big 'Fuck You'  to the universe and slams his hand into the ground, hoping to catch Orochimaru in a bind. Unfortunately, the man is fucking fast, and the next thing he knows, he’s coming at him from his left.

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t give me so much trouble.”

Obito barely bites back a hysterical laugh. I’d appreciate it, he thinks, if you’d just fucking croak!

It’s not hard to keep growing trees, but his body is aching and he’s sure that multiple of his bones are broken. And he’s never practiced with mokuton before; he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing.

Nothing stops Orochimaru for longer than a few seconds. This is all just some sort of fucked-up waiting game. And, as much as he’d like to believe he could keep this up for as long as he needs, Team 7’s only been gone for a few minutes now. Orochimaru could find and catch up with them easily.

Somehow, he needs to put him out of commission.

With an inhale, he puts his hands together and builds up way more chakra than he feels is safe. Then, just as Orochimaru breaches through the last set of trees, hands raised, he slams his palm onto the ground.

At once, Orochimaru is buried within Yggdrasil’s cousin, and Obito is ripped open by furious winds.

He stumbles backwards, blood spurting from his wounds.

Ah, he thinks, vision flashing as the ground grows worryingly close, This isn’t good.

Notes:

what kind of idiot would put way too much effort into a fight scene for a crack fic and still end up with something stupidly short?
me.
the answer is me.

anyway
Thanks for reading! <3