Chapter Text
Chapter 25
It has been weeks since that person had not written her. And gosh, she had been waiting and waiting but nothing ever came. She would have come in the evening, around that time because the girl was afraid that someone would see her exchanging letters, because Lexa was afraid that someone or her letter friend would identify her.
She did not want anyone to ever know this side of hers because the girl was known as a sunshine and it was good that people expected that from her. It was not about her image, it was because she was afraid that people will not like her anymore. It was because she did not want to be a disappointment for anyone because if anyone ever found it out, they would tell it to others. And what if these news go to Titus?
Titus was an active member when it came to her education because he tried his best to be there for her, even if it meant to gather around with teachers and other parents to just sit around and discuss about stupid things like who should be the head of the parents in that grade. And what if her classmates or anyone in school found out about her true inner self? What if they tell their parents and they discuss it with others? What if Titus found it out? And worse: What if Titus found out over some parent and not over her?
She sighed as she caressed her thump over the red letter in between her fingers. “How long has it been?” The girl voiced out quietly to no one as darkness consumed her whole body, only the lamp that was a bit far away in the park made the girl see the outline of a paper on the ground and picked it up, the fingers rapidly and blindly touching the familiar surface.
Suddenly her hands fell to her sides, the letter still tightly held in her sweaty palm before she leaned forward until her forehead touched the cold, rough surface of the tree. She closed her eyes and breathed in, the grip on the letter tightening as she listened to the paper crunching softly in her hands.
It has been long, so long but Lexa was glad that she did not give up her hope and went here. She would lie if she said that she just went here accidentally because she clearly had intention to go here. It was simply because she still had hope and she sighed softly before opening the letter, only to see the familiar hand writing that suited a girl.
“Dear you, you are not a monster, you are human, a whole human being. Whatever they tell you, don’t listen to them because who are they to judge? I may not know you but I bet you are beautiful, lovely and unique. Simply because you are you and that is what makes you beautiful. People have flaws and it is not okay to be judged. Sometimes you do stupid things but we should learn to forgive and to forget. No one is perfect, neither are you and neither am I and that is okay. In addition: you get to decide who is going to hurt. Don’t keep that weight on your shoulders, talk to me. I’m here.”
Lexa chuckled lightly and held the grin on her face. She was not sure if she was smiling because that person or probably that “girl” was writing her back, trying to motivate her, trying to do anything to just lift up her mood or she was smiling because this was ridiculous.
It was ridiculous because the “girl” thought it was someone probably bullying or harassing her and she clearly did not know that it was Lexa herself saying those bad things to her. She knew it was ridiculous to call them monster but they just did things that made her feel inhuman, that made her feel that life is not worth living anymore.
A sigh left her lips as her thump caressed over the material, feeling the connection between her and that stranger deepening. “I wish you were here.” Lexa whispered to the letter and she knew it was stupid but gosh, she just wanted to be in the arms of this person or of any person and she just wanted to cry her heart out. Another deep sigh left her lips again because she just wanted to be herself for once in her lifetime.
Blinking the tears that slowly build up on the corners of her eyes, she looked up, left and right, only to see darkness consume her and she quickly and carefully folded it and stuffed the letter in her bag before making her way out of the flower garden, hoping that nobody has seen her.
Why was she behaving like that? Why was she even hiding it? She could just go out and tell it to the world, show her scars and cuts to the world because she knew that she was not the only one having so much sadness in her. But fuck, what was holding her back?
Lexa stopped and tilted her head back, dark green eyes locked to the dark sky that was filled with shining stars. A sigh left her lips again. So? Fuck them.
But you care too much about what other people think of you.
The girl gritted her teeth before looking out straight and taking her path home again.
You care way too much. You care when someone says you look fat in that outfit. You care when they laugh at the big marks written on your exams. You care when they give you that weird stare.
Her hands balled themselves into fists and she swallowed the saliva down her throat. She hated that her inner self had so much power over her and she hated that she made herself so small but how can she not?
They already think you are pathetic enough. Showing them your scars and cuts will only make you an attention whore.
And what about Titus? Do you really want the whole school to discuss about a girl that cuts herself and thinks about dying literally every day? Do you want the stories to go to the parents and then to Titus? Do you really want to hurt Titus? You keep saying that you want to make him proud but look at you. It’s a wonder that he has not got a burn out syndrome yet.
Squinting her eyebrows, she shook her head from left to right, aggressively biting down her bottom lip. Why would she ever think that it was a good idea to even tell a friend? But what about Clarke? She could have just told her because they were friends. They were friends, close friends right?
Clarke only likes you because you listen to her problems, nothing more. Do you really think that she is interested in yours? No, why would she be interested in someone’s problems when she got enough of her own?
“But we are close friends. She hangs out with me and I don’t tell her much yet she still hangs out with me. She likes me.. I think that she likes me.. She likes me, right?” Lexa whispered to the sky and got no answer. This was ridiculous.
She chuckled at herself and wrapped her arms around her body as the cold breeze of the night swept through her clothes, the cold crawling under the textile and under her skin, head lowering as her stare fixed straight forward, legs moving again. Why would she ever think that telling anyone would be good at all?
Her sadness or whatever it was… it was something personal, something only she knew about yet she did not understand it. Lexa did not know exactly what it was because she was behaving so weird. Small and sad events would make her ache for a whole week or even longer. The ache would make it hard for her to go out, would make it her wanting to live.
And why was she even cutting herself? Sometimes she just needed to see blood to feel alive again. Sometimes she also just needed to punish her for the things she did. And she knew that cutting will not solve any problems, she knew that, fuck she knew that. But still, she could not stop at the sight of the razor sliding on her skin in the same motion, cutting her open.
Was it depression? Lexa did not know. That question was asked so many times but Lexa simply did not know. Maybe she knew the answer, maybe. Well, the brunette actually did a lot of quizzes on the internet and they always told her to get help from a therapist or from a psychologist because she clearly has depression according to the quizzes. But.. they were just stupid quizzes on the internet, right?
That is also the reason why she would not want to tell anyone. Why tell them something that she was not sure about? Why tell them and let them worry? Especially Titus. Why would she tell Titus that she was having “depression” when she was not even sure about it? That is like telling him that she was pregnant, yet she was clearly not, right?
A sigh left her lips as she slowed down, her eyes laying themselves on a bench as she realized that she made a detour and found herself in the middle of the city that seemed emptier than at daytime. Her legs dragged her to the bench and she sat down, the bag laying next to her as she looked straight forward before turning and taking the letter out.
Who was that girl? Lexa was not sure if it was a girl but that stranger seemed like one so she was just going to assume that the stranger was female. But seriously, who was that girl? Why was she writing her back? Did she think that Lexa was calling out for help?
Lexa was not sure if it was a call of help. She started this because she just needed to let her feelings out and the only way was to write letters. The girl tried writing a diary but it was lonesome. As if she still had to hide herself. It may be not logical but maybe deep inside she wanted someone to know so she wrote letters to anyone to read.
She did not know how many have read her letters and decided to put it back in its places. She did not know how many people have seen the letter yet decided to ignore it. She did not know how many of her letters were picked up and thrown into the trashcan. She did not know. She only knew that this stranger who was writing her right now, was the very first one who reached out for her.
On one hand she was thankful and glad that they reached out, that they put effort into writing the letters as they really try to be there and help Lexa and that made the brunette not feel alone. It made her hope become a little bit bigger than before because there was someone who cared, someone she did not know at all. Well, Titus cared too but he would suffer from the mental pain when she would tell him about her secrets. But this stranger did not know her, they did not know how she looked like, how she was of a person and she was glad that there was someone like that. At least, that someone will not get hurt because they do not know Lexa.
One the other hand, she was afraid. She was afraid because she did not know who it was. It can be someone who just wants to play with her, be the good person and then stab her in the back when it is time. But that was not possible, right? They do not know her, right? She hoped that they do not know her. It would be worse if it was one of her friends, maybe one of her classmates, maybe anyone who saw her sunshine self and now saw her dark side. She was afraid that anyone would just blurt out her secrets.
But if she was honest then she would say that she was willing to pay for that price because fuck. She was feeling too much, she was thinking too much yet she could not do anything against it at all. She did not know what it was but it was eating her up, it was choking her, it was punching against her chest repeatedly, it was making her sick, it was making her want to cry and punch everything and to cut herself and to fucking die. Yes, all that she was hiding from the world, it secretly made her want to stop breathing, it made her want to just stop living life.
Lexa’s green eyes looked up from the ground, only to see the familiar door and the familiar building. Letting out a sigh, she took her hands out of her pockets with the keys dangling between her fingers and went up the three stairs in front of the door before unlocking it and going in. It was quiet, yet the lights in the kitchen and the living room were turned on. The brunette raised her eyebrows and let her bag slowly and carefully sliding down her shoulder and landing softly and quietly on the ground next to her.
Going into the living room, she saw her uncle laying soundly asleep on the couch, his right arm resting on his forehead, his chest going up and down quietly with him snoring softly. She chuckled lightly at the sight before walking quietly to him and standing in front of him, observing the old man. He had a lot of wrinkles on his forehead and his nose was bigger than hers. The cheekbones were clearly seen, his eyebrows were squinted together and whenever he breathed in, his nostrils would get bigger and he had an expression full of exhaustion.
The brunette’s face darkened slowly as her lip wrinkles turned down at the sight. He looked sad, stressed out and so exhausted. It was not near nine o’clock, yet he was laying on the couch sleeping. Every day he would come home around eight o’clock and cook for Lexa, then he would shower and then straightly go to sleep. But today was weird. He was still in his working clothes and she felt bad but she did not dare to wake him up so she just took the blanket that was laying on the armchair next to the couch and laid it over him softly, trying not to wake him up.
Sighing at the sight, she slowly made her way into the kitchen only to stop abruptly at the door as she could not believe what she was seeing: a table covered with two empty plates, two forks, two knifes, two cups, all placed neatly next to the plate. Two more plates were placed between the empty ones, these were filled with meat and salad.
Without a warning, the tears slowly slid down her cheeks and to her chin before it silently fell down to the cold hard floor beneath her feet. Did he wait for her? Did he really cook everything before going to sleep? It smelled lovely and Lexa was damn hungry but…
A sob echoed in the room before she quickly covered her mouth with her hands, the hot liquid yet still falling down her burning cheeks as Titus’ face popped before her sight. He must have cooked for her and laid down on the couch to wait for her but probably have fallen asleep. And gosh, he must have been so exhausted yet he still waited for her to come home to dig into the lovely made meal.
Pressing her eyes together, she exhaled loudly and caught a breath before opening her green eyes again, her hands slowly falling lifelessly to her sides as her body leaned itself to the door frame, the chest heaving up and down as she stood there silently, eyes darkened.
Titus was exhausted, too exhausted. Too exhausted for her problems. Too fucking exhausted. And probably he was not the only one that was exhausted with life too. He was just another human who had his problems, his tiredness, his stress and his exhaustion.
No. No, she will not tell him about her problems. She will not tell anyone about her problems. No, she has to stay strong. At least before him and everyone else. When she is alone then it will be alright to be herself, the ugly herself.
Sighing, she tip toed to him, teeth pressing down to suppress the sobs as she took the thin blanket lying on top of one of the many shelves in the living room and slowly but softly placed it on the sleeping body, tucking him in like a baby.
She stood back and stared at him silently as her tears slowly slid down her cheeks once again. She has to be strong because she was an adult anyway, so she could not be some weak ass kid anymore. The brunette bit down hard onto her bottom lip and tasted blood before she nodded to the man in front of her, more tears now streaming down her eyes before she quickly turned away and silently went into her room, closing the door behind her softly.
The bag slid down her shoulder and landed with a soft thud on the floor before silence embraced her and she leaned against the closed door, suddenly breaking, the sobs now unable to hold back even if she gritted her teeth harder than before until her jaw was hurting. The girl had to lay her hand over her mouth to tone down the sound of the sobs because she was afraid that she would wake up Titus or that anyone would find out her true inner self.
“Fuck everything.” Lexa whispered and cupped her face in her hands. “Why am I like this? Why can’t I be just some fucking normal girl? Why can’t I never be good enough for anyone? Why can’t I fulfill their expectations?”
Sliding down the door, she just sat there and let the tears stream, eyes darkened and staring into the distance as she wiped the tears away, her mascara ruined and darkening her cheeks and eyes before her hands tangled themselves in her hair. She was done. She was tired. She was fucking tired of all this bullshit.
“Fuck this!” She cried a bit louder and kicked the bag out of frustration as it flew across the room before cupping her face again. “I can’t do this anymore.” Lexa whispered in between sobs. “Everything is fucked up. Why can’t I just die?” Looking up the ceiling, she whispered: “Why do you have to go first? Mom.. Dad.. Why did you have to go first? Why couldn’t you just take me with you?”
It was stupid to think like that, it was fucking stupid for her to wish for something like this but everything was hurting, everything was breaking, crumbling and all she could do is see herself breaking. She was so done, just so so done.
Her hands fell flat next to her, eyes closing as she just leaned against the door like a lifeless body, her breathing slowly steadying again.
Nobody was there for her. Nobody. Fucking nobody. No Titus. No Clarke. No one. She was alone because she was the one who wanted to be alone, who decided not to tell anyone about her depression. So she has to suck it up and play the fine girl again. Play the happy girl in front of her family member, in front of her friends, in front everyone.
Lexa opened her eyes again, the silence broken by her quiet sobs and her harsh breathing but even if there was noise, she felt lonely. The girl knew that she was not the only one having depression and everyone was living on but the thought of being also another human being who yet was not willing to live on was a devastating and sad truth.
“No one.” The brunette whispered to herself as she let her eyes gaze the dark room that was lit by the brightly shone moon, accompanying her through the night.
“No one.” She repeated again until her green eyes came to a stop as they found themselves putting their attention towards the oh so familiar letter that has fallen out of her bag, laying silently on the bedroom floor.
End of Chapter 25