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Chapter Text

The alarm on his bedside table beeped obnoxiously as Evan Hansen blindly slapped his hand onto the alarm, shutting it off. Slowly, his eyes fluttered open, hissing as the light peeked through his blinds right onto his face. He listened to the hum of his fan and the birds chirp outside. Digging underneath his soft, plush blue blanket, he groaned. Today was Sunday, the last day of freedom. The Sunday before the first day of senior year. 

He laid there for what felt like hours before he finally sat up. He yawned, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Glancing around at his messy room, he shut his fan off and swung his legs off the bed. He winced at the cold, wooden floors and shuffled over to his bathroom. Running a hand through his messy hair, he flicked on the light. Evan dreaded mornings. By no means at all was he a morning person. 

There was a zombie in the mirror that stared back at him. Evan glared at himself. He was the zombie. Purple bags under his eyes, pale, sickly skin, and the messy and greasy hair. What a catch. He splashed water onto his face, drying it off with a dirty towel on the floor from last night's shower. He combed his hair, attempting to look decent. Nodding to his slightly-less-shit appearance, Evan shuffled downstairs. 

In the dining room, Heidi Hansen sat there, sipping at her coffee. In front of her was a white envelope with a tree sticker as a seal. She looked up and gave Evan a tired grin. "Good morning Evan," she greeted. "There's a letter for you on the table. Weird right? Mail never comes on Sundays."

Evan raised an eyebrow as he slowly walked over to the letter, gingerly picking it up. He ran his finger along it, before snapping his gaze questioningly to his mom. "Who's it...Who is it from?"

She shrugged. "I don't know." Heidi stood up, dumping her mug in the sink. Evan eyed her scrubs. He wished she didn't have to work on the weekend, like most moms. "I'm going to work, honey. I love you," she announced, tenderly kissing him on the forehead. She grabbed her purse, waving at Evan and leaving the home.

Leaving Evan alone with himself and his thoughts. 

Evan used his bitten down nail to tear open the envelope. He pulled out a typed up letter. He nearly dropped it at the familiar letter.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today won't be a good day. Or this week. Or the next week. Not this month. Not this year. Why would it? Especially today. Today is Saturday, the last weekend before senior year.

Yay. 

Evan gripped tightly onto the letter. This was his letter. The one to himself that he wrote yesterday. He forced himself to continue reading.

Recognize it?
You should. Spoiler alert, you never turn in the letter. 

Anyway, I should introduce myself.

I'm Evan Hansen, and you're Evan Hansen. And I'm going to tell you how to fix everything.

Don't believe me? Okay. I know you broke your arm from "falling." Yeah. Falling. Right. I know what you really did, (me? Evan? you? I don't know how to refer to you I'm sorry) Your mom just left for work right? She didn't finish her coffee? Then later you won't do anything like normal teenagers do. You'll text Jared. You'll then go sit in bed for ten minutes, dreading the next day. Then you'll go watch Netflix until your mom comes home at midnight. Cue your guilty feeling, and you'll stay up all night dreading Monday.

Spot on, right?

No, I am not some stalker. Please. Please. Please. Listen to these letters. 

How will I know if you've done them and affected them?
Well, I shouldn't say. I don't want to ruin the future somehow. But please trust this, Evan. 

Sincerely,

Evan Hansen in a regretful future.

Evan was shaking. His legs were now jelly as he reread the paper over and over again. His future self? Wow. Funny prank.

Yet something told him to listen to it. 

The paper crinkled as his hold on the paper got tighter and tighter. He finally loosened his grip, numbly walking back to his room. He ran a hand through his hair, putting the paper on his desk and fishing out his letter from last night. He compared the two. The letter in his "future self's" and the one in his hands were indentical. All the way down to punctuation and the way the paragraphs formed. 

He might actually throw up. 

Well, the letter was right. Evan texted Jared awkwardly with one hand, he then sat in bed for ten minutes dreading the day, then watching Sherlock for rest of the day. 

It was Monday morning, and he got another letter.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Yes, it's your future self again. I know you read it. And I predicted what you'd do perfectly.

Anyway, go through your day as normally, but read this. Tweaks and changes that'll be made that you MUST follow.

• You'll walk as normally
• Alana will approach you, asking about your Summer.
• WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT ASK ANYBODY TO SIGN YOUR CAST TODAY UNTIL I TELL YOU TO
• Jared will come up to you, mocking you about your cast. Say nothing.
• Connor Murphy will walk by you two. Jared will talk to Connor, and Connor will get pissed
• EXHALE, COUGH, BREATHE, MAKE SOME SORT OF NOISE TO MAKE CONNOR DRAW HIS ATTENTION TO YOU WHEN JARED LEAVES
• Connor will push you to the ground, calling you a freak. Don't explain yourself, do as I say

Evan winced. This paper did not seem like it wanted to really help him. He deflated. This was probably a joke.

However, as Alana approached Evan, he realized how real this letter was. And it terrified him oh my god.

"How was your summer?" She asked, bouncing on her feet. "Mine was productive. Eighty hours of community service. I know, wow."

Evan just let her ramble, not asking her to sign his cast like the letter said.

Alana glanced at him. "Oh my God! Your arm....What happened?" She asked. " It seems awful. You know, my grandma--"

"Yea I uh--" Alana cut him off.

 "Have a good Summer," she said before bounding off.

He slowly pocketed the sharpie, feeling odd.

Evan was about to continue reading the letter before someone called out to him, "Is this the first time ever breaking your arm from jerking off too much, or do you consider that an honor?"

Evan jumped, snapping his gaze to Jared strutting over, a smirk on his face. "Get the picture, you're on Zoe Murphy's instagram page on that off brand cell phone, your pants are down, you're in your dark ass and strangely clean room--" Jared glanced over at Evan, who was fighting the urge to blush and protest. The letter said to keep quiet, however. He prayed he wasn't being made a fool of. "Are you listening to me?" 

"Y-yeah..." 

"So anyway, how'd you really break it?" 

Evan figured it was safe to say how he broke it. "A tree. I uh...I fell..." 

Jared opened his mouth to reply, but he noticed Connor walk into view. He held up his finger to Evan, and called out to Connor, "Hey Connor!" He swaggered a bit closer. "Loving the new hair length very...school shooter chic!" 

Connor Murphy and Jared Kleinman stared at eachother for a few seconds. You could cut the tension with a knife. Jared awkwardly cleared his throat. "It was a...It was a joke?"

Connor took a threatening step forward, gripping onto his bag tightly. "Yea, no, it was funny. I'm laughing, can't you tell?" He took a few more steps forward. "Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"

Jared took a few steps back. He looked fearful, but he covered it up by saying, "You're such a freak!" And walking off. 

Evan glanced at him in horror. Like what the letter said, he coughed, exhaling rather loudly. God. He was going to get pushed and he'd cry and--

"What the fuck are you laughing at?"

Evan didn't defend himself, just stood there quietly.

"I'm talking to you!" 

Evan stayed quiet, bracing himself for the push. 

"stop fucking laughing at me! I'm not the freak, you're the fucking freak!" Connor pushed forward, shoving over Evan as he stomped off.

Evan quickly scrambled up, watching Connor's retreating form.

Evan went back to the letter:

• Zoe Murphy will approach you.
• Do not ask her to sign your cast. You'll get a chance to later.
• DEFEND CONNOR. SHE'LL CALL HIM A PSYCHOPATH, BUT DEFEND HIM SAYING IT WAS YOUR FAULT AND HE'S JUST GOING THROUGH STUFF
• She'll walk off
• Continue your day as you normally would

Evan looked up, seeing Zoe approach him. Evan folded it up and quickly shoved it into his pocket.

"Hey!" She said. "I saw your brother push you...He's a pyschopath--"

Evan felt a surge of courage and saying, "he's not a psychopath." 

Zoe froze. "Wh-What?"

Evan was surprised by the lack of stuttering in his voice. "I--he's...He's not a psychopath. He has pro-problems...Like..Like we all do. He just can't handle them as well...I relate to that. It was my fault in the uh...in the end."

Zoe's eyes widened. She opened her mouth to reply, but quickly shut it. They stared at eachother, Evan fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He hated those awkward silences and he hates to be the one to break them.

"Oh..Okay uh...What did you...what did you do?" She asked after a few moments.

"He thought I l-laughed...at her--him." 

Zoe gripped onto her backpack straps. "Did you?"

"No." 

Zoe stuck her hand out awkwardly. "Uh...I'm Zoe."

Evan wiped his sweaty hands on his pants, but Zoe retracted her hand before they could shake hands. "E-Evan."

"I uh...I know. Um...Bye," She said, waving and walking off.

Evan breathed out the breath he didn't realize he held as he deflated. Time for class.

During class, he was shaken up. The letter was spot on about just about everything. Like if it went detailed, it even got the slight detail. It scared him, but it gave him a new rush of courage because he knew what would happen and he could change it.

At lunch, he pulled out the letter and read it again.

• At the end of the day you'll go to the computer lab
• WHATEVER YOU DO DON't PRINT ANYTHING. DON'T TYPE ANYTHING. DON't DO ANYTHING. JUST SIT THERE.
• Connor will walk in, asking to sign your cast and apologize
• He should mention how you defended him
• Say yes to him signing your cast and apologize in return
• Connor will say, "now we both can pretend we have friends
• SAY, "WE DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND"GET HIS NUMBER
• Then, when he leaves. And just as he leaves, say, "Stay safe, Connor."
• Type up your letter, print it, and go home
• Except whatever you do, leave Zoe out of your letter. Leave Connor out of your letter too

Evan pocketed the letter. He sighed. This seemed way too stressful for his tastes. However, as the letter said he went to the computer lab. His phone rang as he sat down at a random chair.

"Hey Evan," Heidi greeted.

Evan shifted awkwardly. "Hi."

"How was school?"

"Weird--" Evan froze. He then hastily added, "Weirdly great."

Heidi laughed. "That's great..." She said happily. "Have you written one of those letters."

"No I uh...I'm working on it in the computer lab right uh...right no-now."

"Make sure to work on those. Listen, I won't be home tonight. Erica called in with the flu...There's a twenty on the co-counter."

Evan awkwardly nodded. 

"I'm glad it was a good day honey--Oh shit. I got to go. Bye. Love you." Heidi hung up before Evan could say anything else.

He looked over and jumped. Connor stood there awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. He noticed Evan hung up and greeted, "Hi uh...I er...Sorry I pushed you in the," he stiffly gestured to the door that led to the hallway. "Hallway..."

Evan jumped out of his seat. "Uh...N-No it was uh...It was my fau-fault...I didn't laugh but you know...Yeah.I er...I understand."

Connor cocked his head to the side. He played with the black stud earring in his left ear. "Well I uh...I heard from Zoe you defended me...earlier. She accused me of brainwashing you," he chuckled humorlessly.

Evan chuckled along, drumming his fingers nervously on the desk. He better not screw everything up and then like his future self dies or something. "I hope you're not," Lightly joked back Evan. "I uh...But it..It was t-the uh...Erm..Right thing to ah...to do?" 

"Um...Thanks for uh...for that." Connor eyed Evan's cast. "Do you uh... Nobodys signed your cast."

Evan jumped, glancing at his bare white cast. "N-no.." 

"Well I'll sign it."

Evan thrusted a sharpie into Connor's hands, offering his arm. "Uh. Great. Uh...Yeah...Please...Er...Sorry." 

Connor grabbed it, scribbling his name in large letters, nearly covering the whole cast. He pulled away as they both glanced at his name. Evan slowly pocketed the sharpie. "Th-thanks..."

"Now we both can pretend we have friend."

This was it. Evan felt like throwing up, he was sweating, and his whole body trembled but he still felt like this was something he had to do. 
"We don't have to be fr-friends...If you can uh...give me--I mean you don't have to--give me your uh...Your number?"

Connor's eyes went wide as something unexpected twinkled in his eye. He nodded, not saying anything as Evan handed him back his sharpie. Connor grabbed Evan's uncasted handed and scribbled down his number.

Evan eyed it. He felt strangely giddy.

Connor took a few steps back before waving awkwardly. "I uh...I got to go...Zoe's...Zoe would probably you know..be waiting."

Evan waved. Just as Connor was in the door frame, Evan said, "Stay safe, Connor."

Connor glanced at Evan with something strange glinting in his eye as he left. The door shut loudly, leaving Evan in his thoughts. He slowly sat back in his chair, typing and printing his letter.

He'd make sure to turn this one in.

Evan looked back at his letter. There was few more stuff left on it.

• TURN YOUR LETTER INTO DR. SHERMAN
• JARED WILL TEXT YOU. DO NOT ANSWER
• BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP, TEXT CONNOR, "Glad to have met you today, good night." 
• Good night, and go to sleep. You'll get another letter and an interesting day if you did it right.

A chill went down Evan's spine as he did as the letter said. 

He had a feeling the letter was right. But no matter what, Evan had a feeling tomorrow in general would be interesting.

Chapter Text

Just as said, that morning Evan got another letter.

"Where are you getting all of this mail? Who's it from?" Asked Heidi, handing it to Evan. "Don't get me wrong--it's great."

Evan fiddled with the envelope awkwardly. "A p-penpal...? For uh...For school?" 

Heidi smiled, squeezing his shoulder. "Well that's great. What class?"

"Um...A...Uh...S-spanish? A uh...A spanish penpal."

"That's so nice," said Heidi. She leaned over, pulling on her shoes. She did the usual "kiss on the forehead, bye love you see you next morning for five minutes"  routine. 

Evan murmured bye even after she left. 

Hurrying to the dining table, Evan plopped down, ripping it open. He grabbed the tree sticker and stuck it on the back of his hand.

Dear Evan Hansen,

You didn't screw it up. Thank God.

• Go to school normally. 
• You'll be called into the principal's office.
• You'll be informed by Connor Murphy's parents that he tried to kill hi--

Evan stopped reading. Bile rose in his throat as he pushed the letter away. His breathing went heavy. Kill himself?

In the weird, other parallel universe his future self roamed in, did Connor successfully kill himself? Evan blinked, staring in shock at the paper. He mustered up his courage, and continued reading:

• The reason they called you up was because you texted him
• Someone saw the text and Zoe recalled you defending Connor
• THEY'LL INVITE YOU TO DINNER SAY YES
• THEY'LL ASK IF YOU WERE CLOSE FRIENDS
• SAY NO SAY NO SAY NO 

Evan stuffed the paper in his bag, slipping on his sneakers. He'll continue reading at school.

Evan glanced at his phone. Six missed calls from Jared last night. He sighed, slipping the phone back in his pocket. The letter said not to answer, so he'll follow it. It seems to have stopped a tragedy already, might as well listen.

When Evan entered second period, on the overhead it boomed out, "CAN EVAN HANSEN PLEASE REPORT TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE?"

Everyone did the generic, "oooooh," the teacher then shushed them all. Evan was handed a pass and he nervously walked to the office. He knew what happened, but it didn't stop it from scaring the shit out of him.

He slowly entered the office, seeing a couple sitting on two plush chairs. One was stern looking with slicked back, greying hair. The other was a woman with red, puffy eyes and ginger hair. She wiped at her eyes, immediately brightening when seeing Evan. She gripped a cracked phone in her hand like it would suddenly disappear if she let go. 

Evan slowly sat down. "Where's uh...Where's Mr. H-Howard?" He asked, bouncing his leg.

The man stood up. "Mr. Howard stepped out." He smoothed out his tie. "I'm sure you've heard." 

He didn't seem too sad for his son just dying. Evan pushed the thoughts away, playing dumb. "H-Heard of...Heard of what?"

The woman stood up abruptly, her watery eyes wide. "With...With C-Connor."

Evan leaned forward, eyes wide too. "Wh-What happened to...to Connor?"

The man sighed, looking at his polished shoes. "Connor tried to take his own life."

The woman, looked away, choking back a sob. The man rested his had on her wrist, squeezing it. Evan narrowed his eyes at his unloving attitude. "H-He...He wh-what?"

The woman sniffled, wiping her eyes desperately. "You...He...." She went quiet before gently handing the phone to Evan. "It's unlocked." 

Evan stared at the phone. "U-Uh... Who's phone...?"

"It's Connor's."

Evan held the phone in his shaky, sweaty hands. Why did they give him his phone? "Why..."

The woman took a step forward. "You are...You're his fr-friend...right?" 

"I uh...I am...Kind of?"

"Kind of? Wh-What does that mean?" Choked out the woman. Her eyes were wide and desperate. She looked frantic. Evan has seen that look in himself. And in his own mother. The hope that her son actually did have friends.

Evan awkwardly shifted. "I uh...I met him yesterday? He asked to uh...to b-be friends and he g-gave me his num...his number?"

The man hummed. "Well, we saw the text from you and we assumed you two were good friends." He stuck his hand out. Evan darted up, praying the man didn't feel how shaky his hands were as he shook them. He gripped his hand tightly. Evan winced. "Larry Murphy."

Larry gestured to who Evan assumed was his wife. "This is Cynthia, my wife."

Cynthia gave Evan a small smile. "I'm happy he attempted to ha-have friends."

Evan shuffled his feet. "Um...Yeah. I wish I could've gotten to know him...bet-better." 

"Well you can..."

Evan snapped his gaze from the tiled floor. "Yeah well...he's not de-dead so I uh...I can...Tha-thank God but..you ah..You know..."

Cynthia cut him off, grabbing onto Evan's trembling hand. "Come to dinner! We'd love to know Connor's friend a lot more. Please?"

Awkwardly, Evan retracted his hand. "Um....Ye-Yeah er...uh...Wh-when? Can I uh..Get the address?"

Cynthia grabbed Connor's phone, typing something into it and sending it to Evan. She pocketed it, giving Evan another shaky smile. "It was so nice meeting you."

As Evan walked back to his classroom, he wondered what the Hell he got himself into.

"Evan!" A voice shouted. Evan jumped, looking over, seeing Jared hurry over. "Hey." 

Evan looked around warily. "Why aren't you in class."

"Bathroom," answered Jared. "Anyway, why were you in the principals' office, and why were you ignoring my calls last night?"

Evan took a step back. "Connor Murphy's parents. C-Connor tried to uhmmm...He tri-tried to k-kill himself."

Jared's eyes widened. "Wow. Dude...Man. Never thought he'd...he'd actually attempt it," he whispered.

Evan furrowed his eyebrows. "'Actually attempt it?'" he echoed.

rubbing the back of his neck, Jared looked away. "It was pl-playful banter," he hissed. It was more to himself, like trying to convince himself. He snapped his gaze back to Evan. "So, why'd they call you?"

"He came in to apologize for what he did...for uh...He pushed me. He signed my cast to," he said. He thrusted his arm to show the signature.

Jared nodded, eyeing the signature. "Can I uh...Can I sign it too?"

Evan rubbed at his eyes. Damn it he needs to read the letter. "Um...Er...Su-sure...?"

Grinning, Jared pulled out a bright green sharpie before signing in big, sloppy letters, "THE INSANELY COOL JARED KLEINMAN." That nearly took over the entire cast. Evan shrugged to himself. It's not like anybody else would sign it.

"There," said Jared as if he was proud of his 'handwork.' "Now, so they think you two were like best friends or something?"

Evan nodded. "And they invited me for dinner."

Jared coughed in disbelief. "You'll have dinner with Zoe Murphy. Man, imagine it, sitting at the same dinner table with Zoe murphy. Then you suddenly give out the biggest burp ever--She thinks you're disgusting and never wants to talk to you again!"

Evan clenched his hoodie sleeves, pulling at them. "Shu-Shut up, Jared. I got to..I got to go to cl-class."

"You still didn't answer why you didn't answer my calls."

Because my future self sent me a letter telling me not to. Well, he couldn't just say that. So instead, he just shrugged and walked off. He needs to read his letter to make sure he didn't fuck up everything.

As Evan walked to his class, he unfolded the crumpled up letter.

• Jared will stop you in the hallway
• He'll ask you what happened
• LIE AND SAY YOUR MOM DROPPED OFF PILLS FOR YOU
• He'll change the subject, asking why Connor signed your cast
• Ignore it
• He'll ask why you ignored him last night
• Don't reply, just tell him that you need to go to class.

Evan grimaced. Well he fucked that up. He sighed, hoping he didn't just accidentally kill his future self's cat or some shit.

He slid into his seat, rubbing at his temples. This was stressful.

During lunch, Evan hurried into the library. He went and searched for every book he possible could on time travel. In fact, everything time related.

He walked down aisles and aisles of books until he entered the last, far back aisle full of books the librarians shoved there because nobody read them. He traced his finger along the spines of books until he froze in his place.

Time Travel, Parallel Universes, and the Ability to Change the World 

Evan glanced around before pulling it out. It was covered in dust. He hacked and coughed, swiping the dust off of the cover. It was a plain, hardcover book. Plain brown, hard cover, and golden letters. They seemed to have glistened. Evan crept over to the far back table, ignoring the grumble of his stomach as he opened up the book. It wasn't uncommon for him to skip meals. 

He pulled out his letter. He didn't care if like if he opened the book he'd never get married or some shit--his life wasn't going to revolve around maybe a completely untrustworthy letter that has really weird coincidences.

Okay, so maybe they weren't coincidences. His point still stands.

All the letter mentioned was about the dinner that night, so he shoved it back in his pocket. Nothing about the book.

He read and read and read. 

A lot of it was confusing, and made Evan's brain hurt. Yet he still continued to read. He wanted to know what the hell what was going on. 

Apparently you can send stuff through wormholes or something? Evan sighed, running a hand through his hair. What even was this? This weekend he was going to do some hardcore studying. And not just studying for school.

He pushed in his chair, checking out the book and shoving it in his locker. He'll get it later. Until then, he has a dinner to worry about.

School ended, and he glanced at his phone.

Connor Murphy--(it was Cynthia from the earlier time she texted the address to him) Hello Evan! This is the address: 2201 oakthorn St. Here's my number (cynthia)

Connor Murphy has sent a contact.

Connor Murphy: Come at 6:30. I'm looking forward to seeing you!

Evan gripped the phone tightly. They lived in the rich person's part of the neighborhood. Where the lawyers and businessmen remained. He pulled out his letter.

• Wear a collared shirt and nice jeans these are rich, tough folks
• Every time they insult Connor, defend him
• They'll ask you questions about you
• Answer them truthfully and honestly
• Jared will call you before the dinner
• Answer him, just don't listen to any of his advice. He's shit at advice
• The dinner will end and your mom will be home early
• FOR FUCKS SAKE TELL THE TRUTH

Evan shrugged, tossing the letter into his drawer. That's all it was for the night. All it basically was saying is, "be polite, be honest, don't fuck up everything." Simple.

Right?

Evan changed, making sure to shower and comb his hair nicely, trying to add gel but not over do it. He poked and prodded at his hair, making sure it was perfect. Not only were Connor's parents there, but Zoe was there, too!

Also, he'll have to ask if he can see Connor or not at the hospital.

His phone rang, Evan jumping and scrambling to answer it.

"Hey, glad to see you actually answered!"

Evan rolled his eyes. "Hi Jared."

"So. Fancy dinner tonight. Very...Scary."

"Jared stop trying to freak me out it's not working."

It's working very well.

"I'm not. I'm just saying, I have some advice to help you making it out alive."

"Mmhmmm." Of course not.

"Like, everything they say, just smile and agree. They say anything about you? Nod and confirm. It's guranteed they'll love you and Zoe murphy will love to get into those ugly ass khaki pants of yours."

Evan retorted, "at least I don't have shorts from the good will."

"They're not from the goodwill, you're jealous."

"I have to go Jared, bye."

"B--"

Evan hung up, glancing at the time. 6:04. He had thirty minutes.

Evan glanced into the mirror before sighing, pulling on his shoes and grabbing his keys.

He didn't drive his car a lot. He has an old, beat up car. It was cheap and Evan was afraid it'd explode somehow on him, but he had to get there somehow.

Evan climbed in, turning on the music softly, and wincing as the car roared to life. It was less of a roar and more of a scream for help. This was a shitty car.

Evan drove, following the directions carefully. He pulled in front of a nice looking, two story house with a freshly clipped, green lawn and a white picket fence. What a perfectly family. Evan parked, glancing at his phone. 6:23. Seven minutes early. He got out of his car, suddenly self concious about it. Awkwardly, he got in his car and parked in front of the house next door.

He hurried up to the door, ringing the doorbell.

Almost immediately, the door swung open. Zoe stood there, hair braided and wearing a white dress with sunflowers on it. She looked gorgeous. Evan shifted his feet. "S-So...Uh...Hey."

"Welcome to home shit home," she said, moving aside for Evan to step in.

To be honest, it was exactly what Evan expected. The Murphy's seemed like a home that tried to be the perfect family. Evan wondered with Connor gone they could actually keep that up. Evan crept in through the doorway, noticing Cynthia setting the table. She looked up, noticing Evan. She scurried over to Evan, pulling him into a hug.

Evan winced as his face was practically smushed into the woman's boobs. When they pulled apart, his face was bright red and he felt as if his ribs were cracked. Evan waved shyly, glancing around. Suddenly, Larry came downstairs wearing his usual suit and tie.

"Hey Evan!" Said Cynthia. She led him over to the dinner table. Evan took a seat, figuring this would've been Connor's seat if he was here. He felt like he was intruding, and it felt odd to see them so happy without Connor.

"So..." Drawled out Evan awkwardly. "Is Connor at the hospital still?" He asked.

Zoe took a seat beside Evan. "He's going to a mental hospital, where all the crazies belong," she grumbled as Cynthia grabbed the food from the kitchen. Larry plopped down from across them.

"Oh, I hope you like vegan and gluten free food!" Cynthia said, bringing out pots and plates. "I made it myself!" She gushed.

Zoe glanced at Evan with a panicked look. She mouthed, "im sorry."

Evan glanced over at Larry, who usually looked emotionless, but he grimaced, seemingly holding back a remark.

Cynthia sat down, evenly giving everyone tofu and gluten free pasta.

Evan played with it, pretending to eat it just as everyone else did.

"So Evan," said Zoe, shifting and setting down her fork. "Why are you suddenly friends with my brother? He pushed you?"

Cynthia gasped. "He pushed you."

Tell the truth. "He uh...A kid was um...m-making fun of him and he uh...he thought I l-laughed at him? He apologized later and even si-signed my uh...my arm...My uh. I mean my cast."

Larry leaned forward, eyebrows raised in disbelief. "He apologized?" 

"Yeah?"

Zoe scoffed. "I doubt that."

"He did."

Cynthia glanced at the two. "I am su-sure he did...You two...How long have you two been friends?"

"A few days, to be honest."

It was a small stretch, that's all.

"Well that sounds great," said Cynthia, biting into her gross gluten-free pasta. She grimaced, but munched away.

Zoe crossed her arms. "How the hell did you, normal kid, manage to get in a mess that is the monster Connor Murphy."

"Zoe!:

"It's true, Cynthia," grumbled Larry, finally butting in.

Evan sat up straighter, glaring at all of them. "He's not a monster. And you're awful to ever think he's one. He obviously has problems that you're ignoring!" He snapped. "He did unexcusable, awful things, but you can't just ignore that your son, your brother, had actual problems. Are you finally going to help now that he attempted suicide? Or until he finally manages to get the job done? Because by then, it'll be too late."

The entire room was quiet. Evan slouched back over. His face was on flames as he felt everyone's stare on him. Where had that sudden burst of confidence come from? His voice didn't even waver.

Finally Cynthia broke it with a choked sob. Everyone turned their gaze from Evan to Cynthia. Her eyes watered as she stared at Evan. She shook her head. "You're completely right," she managed.

Evan felt his own eyes sting with tears. He wiped them. "I..." He didn't say anything else. What could he say?

Thirty minutes later, everyone was full and Evan was heading home. As he left the home, Zoe stopped him.

"Is my brother really as good as you seem to make him out to be?"

At that moment, Evan's crush for Zoe faltered. He realized she was a popular girl a part of a selfish, rich family. He took a step back. "You wouldn't have to ask if you bothered to figure it out yourself," he grounded out. He dashed to his car, quickly starting it up. He knew Zoe watched him back out and drive off. 

He groaned. That was Hell. He basically yelled at Connor's family!  Also not to mention, have they even visited Connor in the hospital yet? He'd have to if they haven't yet. He'll do that tomorrow.

Evan pulled into his home, to see his mom parked. The letter was right then.

He climbed out, hurrying into his home. 

His mom was on the couch, snuggled into a blanket watching the TV. Heidi didn't appear to actually be watching, she just tiredly and stared at the screen blankly. She jumped, looking over at Evan and smiling widely. She scooted over. Evan took that as an invitation to sit down.

"Where have you been?" She asked, smiling nonetheless. "A friend, I hope."

Evan shifted. "I guess."

"You guess?"

"Um...A uh... a friend's house yeah...But he wasn't there."

"Wasn't...there?"

Evan rested his face into his hands, sighing. "Dinner. They wanted me there for dinner to get to know me better and...uhm..Well...Be-because he was in a hospital for uh...for uh...suicide."

Heidi glanced over at him, eyes wide. "Suicide? Is he okay?"

"he's alive. I don't think they'd...I don't think they even visited him yet," admitted Evan. "they act like they're better without him, it makes me sick."

Heidi glanced at his arm. "Hey, your cast is signed! Is that how you met him?"

"Yeah Mom. He signed it yesterday. I have his...I have his number too."

"Connor..." Heidi shut her eyes tight, thinking. They opened again. "Connor Murphy? Seventeen years old. Suicide by overdose, right?"

Evan's eyes widened. "Yeah..."

Heidi shook her head sadly. "Poor thing. He obviously needed help. Apparently he's shown signs for almost forever....His parents sound like shit," she sighed, She looked over at Evan. "If you ever feel like that, tell me."

"I know."

You didn't know. Remember that "fall" of yours?

Evan ignored his thoughts, listening to his mom speak. "You're right, nobody visited him. Poor thing."

"I'll visit him, then."

Chapter Text

Dear Evan Hansen,

You didn't follow all the instructions, that's fine. 

Today you must.

• DO NOT VISIT CONNOR TODAY
• Alana will approach you about what happens about a club
• Ignore her and DO NOT JOIN IT

Evan was not liking this "future self." To be honest, he sounded like a dick.

Did he just call himself a dick?

Well, he was--er, is? Will be?

Evan stuffed the paper in his pocket. He'll visit Connor after school anyway. 

• Jared will talk to you about what happened
• Tell him how you defended Connor and it got awkward
• He'll make fun of you
• This time defend yourself and tell him off

Evan crumpled the letter up, tossing it to the side. Okay, this day he'll ignore. So far it seems like everything on this list is bullshit.

At school, Alana almost immediately came up to Evan. She called his name in the hallway, running up and waving around a paper in her hand. She halted in front of him, nearly out of breath. "Evan!" She took in a deep breath, thrusting to paper into his arms. "We're starting a new club that I'd love if one of my closest acquaintances joined. It's called the 'connor project.' It's about helping kids like Connor!"

Evan glanced at the poster. It seemed like a good idea, why did his future self not want to join it? Evan snapped his gaze back to Alana. "How'd you know...about uh...About Connor?"

Alana shuffled her papers, cocking her head to side with a small smile. "Jared told me."

Evan stiffened. "J-Jared...He...He told you?"

Alana nodded. "Well, I hope you come to our first meeting! It's greatly appreciated! Stay safe," she waved at him before bounding off. Evan sighed, reading the poster.

JOIN THE CONNOR PROJECT TODAY!

A GROUP OF KIDS TO HELP KIDS LIKE CONNOR

TALK TO PRESIDENT ALANA BECK FOR FURTHER INFO

FIRST MEETING THE MONDAY OF NEXT WEEK

Looking around warily, he tossed the flyer into the trashcan. He'll think about it. He probably wasn't going to join, but he wasn't going to ignore Alana!

Just as Evan was about to head to his class, Jared stopped him. "Heya," greeted Jared.

Evan leaned away. "Hi."

Jared glanced at the trashcan. "Did Alana give you one of those flyers too? I don't think anybody will come," he snorted. "The kids' crazy, why'd anybody join? Anyway, how was that dinner."

"Shitty and awkward. I defended Connor and I was sure my head would get cut off."

Jared tilted his head back and laughed. "Wow! Only you could make something as simple as a dinner awkward. Jesus, in front of Zoe too. Was Connor there?"

"N-No. I'm gonna uh...I'm gonna visit him tonight."

Jared raised his eyebrows. "Why?"

Evan nervously tugged on his backpack strings. "It's the nice thing to do."

Slapping Evan on the back, Jared said, "Well good luck with your suicidal best friend. See ya." With that, Jared strutted off with the swagger only a truly insecure person could accomplish.

"Ye-Yeah..."

Evan went through his day normally until he went into the library for further research. He peeked through the library doors and he saw Zoe Murphy walk through the space and time section. Evan froze up. Why was she looking at that stuff?

Evan went to duck away but Zoe caught his eye. Evan sighed, dragging his feet as he sat himself down at a desk, opening the same book he checked out.

Zoe went up to Evan, tapping her nail on the desk. Evan craned his neck upwards. "Hi...Z-Zoe."

"Hey," she said, eyeing his book. "Interesting book. Where'd you get it?"

Evan scooted back absentmindedly. "I uh...I checked it o-out here."
Zoe took a step closer. "Where'd you get it?" Her eyes flashed.

Evan darted up, closing the book and sticking it under his arm as he put on his backpack. "Back shelves." 

He was about to race off before Zoe grabbed his backpack. He yelped, not looking behind him and weakly pulling. "What is going on?" She demanded. "You're acting strange--" she added, "Er. Also you've never held any interest to Connor until now."

Evan broke free, glancing back at her. She scowled, crossing her arms. "N-Nothing!" He held the book protectively to his chest.

"Why's that book so important to you? You also seemed so interested in all these papers suddenly. You used to never study during lunch, now you do."

"You're o-oddly...You're oddly observant," commented Evan, taking a few steps back. He looked around. Where's the librarian?

Zoe took steps forward as Evan stepped backward. Any minute Evan was ready to dart. "I am because weird shit happens in this town."

Evan rubbed at his eyes. He'd never seen Zoe look so serious, scared and confused at once. To be honest, Evan could relate to her. Evan really never noticed anything really weird happen until now.

"Like?"

Zoe rolled her eyes. "Don't play dumb, Evan. I know you're smart--like for instance, it snowed in the middle of July a while back? A tornado hit us--this town has never seen a tornado in the thousand years it's been around," she growled.

The bell rang, and Evan took that as a chance to escape. He gripped onto the book tightly as he darted off.

What the Hell was that? That was NOT Zoe, whatever happened.

He'd have to talk to Connor.

As soon as school ended, he drove his crappy car to the hospital. He jumped out, darting up to the hospital. He slowly entered, warily looking around. 

The lady at the front desk raised an eyebrow as Evan approached. "C-Connor Murphy?" 

"Who are you?"

Evan searched his brain for something to say before he blurted, "His boyfriend."

Why didn't he just say they were friends?

Either way, the lady nodded telling him the room number and directions.

Evan walked down the maze of hallways. Old people in wheel chairs past him and sobbing women and giggling children. He hung a left and soon he stood in front of Connor's door. He took a deep breath before knocking.

"Fuck off!"

Evan's eyes widened, but he timidly said, "It's uh...It's E-Evan?"

There was shuffling, a sneeze, then Connor quietly said, "Come in."

Evan slowly creaked open the door, slipping in and quickly shutting it. 

Connor looked awful. Like, worse than usual awful. His hair was greasy and matted, he was a sickly pale with sunken in cheekbones. He looked like he hadn't slept or eaten in weeks. The bags under his eyes were a dark purple that stood out in the white room and white skin.

"H-Hey...Connor," said Evan, walking to the bedside, keeping his voice and footsteps soft.

"Why're you here?"

Evan glanced at him in confusion. His gaze was sharp yet fearful. "We uh...We're friends i guess...You could say. You signed my cast?"

Connor ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah. I guess too. I didn't think you were...Nobody's been that serious."

"Well, I was."

Connor sat up, groaning. "God I'm sore."

"Why'd you do it? Why'd you agree to sign my cast when you were...When you were..." Evan cut himself off, figuring Connor knew what he was meaning.

"Because I had to leave at least some god damn imprint before I left also....." Connor sighed, rubbing at his blood shot eyes. "I was going to die to. But then I suddenly...Well, I got that text of yours. Next thing I know I'm crawling into Zoe's room, then pass out. I woke up here and stuck here. Nobody has even visited me except for you."

Tears stung at Evan's eyes, but he wiped them away. "Oh my God," he breathed. That one text saved someone's life. "Oh my God." 

Connor waved him off. "Chill. I'm alive, aren't I? I'll probably be gone from school for like six months in like a mental place or some shit. Someone's dropping off my school work, though, the doctor's keep bringing it to me." He shifted, swinging his bare legs off the bed. He wore athletic shorts. His legs looked gre--decent. "Is it you? Either way, I did it because it's so boring. I've read about the same three books like fifty fucking times."

Evan shrugged. "No it's uh..It's not me. It could uh...It could be Alana? Also if you want I can uh--" Evan stared at his nervously tapping feet. "I can bring you books."

"Oh man, you're a lifesaver Hansen." Connor's eyes twinkled with something literally. "Literally."

When Evan drove home  that night, he was glad he didn't listen to that letter. One word rung in his head all the way home and all night:

Lifesaver. 

Chapter Text

A possible and foreseen future....

Evan Hansen thought of himself as a hard worker. He worked hard on the Connor Project, worked at Pottery Barn and managed to scrounge up enough money for a degree at college. And with that he managed a degree in...

In business.

Yeah. Fucking business.

After the Connor project and with Zoe and all that shit, he couldn't stand to even look at trees. He'd visit the old forest he fell from, and sometimes wondered what would've happened if he really died. None of this would've happened. Would Connor be alive? Would his mom finally live a happier and safer life?

Evan knelt down, rubbing at his eyes. He was in a familiar graveyard he visited the same day for the past ten years. Connor died when he was seventeen, now here's Evan, twenty-seven still crying over a lie he could've stopped.

The letters continued. Evan stopped seeing a therapist, but he continued the letters. Of course, they weren't happy and uplifting, but they were something. 

Evan traced his finger along the intricate etchings into the gravestone. 

Connor L. Murphy

January 5th, 2000 -- August 24th, 2017

No, "he will be missed," no cheesy messages at all. Just this little stone with his name and death date. It was etched in there as if proudly. Nobody dropped flowers off except Evan.

Sometimes Evan would come here and just sob for hours, chanting and ranting to the stone. Now and then he'd drop off tulips or roses. 

"Ev?" A voice said behind him.

Evan whirled around, jumping up from the ground, dirt flying. "Hi, Jared," he greeted. 

Jared leaned forward, kissing Evan on the cheek. Evan resisted the urge to grimace.

This was an unhappy marriage. Yeah, they loved each other, but they just didn't do well together. Jared would bring Evan to nice dinners and see funny movies but Evan just didn't feel it. He loved Jared because he was his best friend, not his spouse.

"What're you doing?" He asked, looking over Evan's shoulder. "Connor's grave, huh?"

Evan shuffled his feet. "um...Uh, yeah. Remember him?"

Jared's eyes were sad. He changed a lot over the years. His hair got darker and yet fluffier, he got braces late in life but now his teeth were a pearly white, and he lost a ton of weight. Yet he stayed the same. Still obnoxious, still rude, still blunt, and still Evan's best friend.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do," said Jared. "Do you ever think about the Connor Project?"

"Every. Damn. Night."

Jared gave a dry, humorless chuckle. "Yeah I...I remember you crying at midnight, demanding me to forgive you. You were...You were a damn mess."

Evan ran a hand through his hair. "We all were. I regret it all, Jared."

Jared intertwined their hands, squeezing Evan's. "Me too, Ev. Me too." He raised Evan's hand, lightly kissing it.

Evan flushed. "What would've happened if he...if he didn't commit and I...And I never lied?"

"I don't know," answered Jared. "I'm glad it happened, though."

Evan pulled away, gaping. "Why? A boy died!"

"Ev, hon, it would've happened anyway, and if that never happened I'd never marry you," Jared grabbed Evan's hand again. "Now, are you done? I want to get home and watch season twenty-four of Supernatural."

Evan glanced back at the grave. What would've happened? He squeezed Jared's hand. "Lead the way."

When they got on, Evan immediately turned on the news. He flipped to CNN and nearly fell off the couch.

There, up on TV, was fucking Alana Beck.

"What the fuck?" Shrieked Evan. He glanced back at Jared, who slumped on the couch, arm slung around Evan's shoulders. He just shrugged. "that's Alana, Jared!"

Jared lazily looked over at the TV. His eyes widened too, sitting up. 

Alana looked the same. The same big, dorky glasses, the awkward smile, and the determined look in her eye. She was with a reporter, wearing a lab coat. 

Evan snatched the remote, turning the volume up.

"--ell us what has happened, Ms. Beck?"

Alana grinned widely, leading the crew into a large facility. There was machinery and charts and other men in lab coats racing back and forth. She gestured around. "Welcome to Beck's Researching Facility!" 

"Damn. I thought she'd become president, not this," said Jared, eyes widened. Evan elbowed him in the side, shushing him.

"And why have you started this, Ms. Beck?"

"Have you ever regretted something?" Asked Alana. She held the same look Evan has held for all those years. 

The reporter nodded, obviously not really caring.

"Well, through tons and tons of studying and years of research, we've debunked einstein's theory of time travel that you can only go to the future. Anyway, we've looked through wormholes and parallel universes and apparently you can set these things almost like bookmarks to help go through time and this is really interesting because--"

The reporter cut Alana off. "Yes but uh...What does this do?"

Alana glared at the reporter, smoothing her scrubs out. "Well, it's too dangerous for a person, but you can send items through space and time. The earliest wormhole like bookmark that  we have dates back too--" Alana suddenly ducked off, came back a few moments later with a large folder in her hands. She flipped through it before saying, "August 23rd, 2016."

Evan immediately paused the news. That was the day before Connor died. He felt bile rise in his throat. Evan darted up, running over to the bathroom and emptying the contents of last nights pizza. He flushed the toilet, washing his hands and wiping his face off. Jared ducked in. "Are you okay, Ev? What happened?" He said, leaning close to Evan, rubbing circles in his back.

Evan groaned. "You know what that date was, Jared?"

"Nope. Not at all."

Evan glanced at Jared. "The day before the first day of senior year."

"And?"

Evan grabbed Jared's hands, squeezing them tightly. "You know what this means?" He asked, gazing into Jared's blue eyes. 

"Nope."

"We can fix everything!" Laughed Evan, twirling Jared around. Jared pulled away, backing out of the bathroom. "What?"

Jared adjusted his glasses, giving Evan and unreadable look. "You know this could...This could affect us. Also, what are you going to do? Suddenly talk to Alana after a decade after she's like, rich and famous? AND, no humans can travel."

Evan rolled his eyes. "Jared, use those ears of yours! It's a parallel universe--ours wouldn't be affected. I could save them the regret of it all, and the object part? Easy. Send a letter."

"Evan, think: would your past self really believe that?"

Evan crossed his arms. "Past me is stupid enough, yes. Also, I have all my letters saved from that year--I could rewrite one, and predict his day."

"And how will we contact Alana?"

Evan fished out his phone, grinning. "I have Zoe's number still."

Jared took a few staggering steps forward. "You still have fucking Zoe's number?"

"We still text."

"Why was I not informed of this?" 

"You never asked."

"Well now I'm asking!"

"It's not often," assured Evan. "Just small talk here and there. The Murphy's finally had a divorce."

Jared snorted, crossing his arms. "That's not surprising."

"No, no it's not," agreed Evan. "Now, I know for a fact Zoe has Alana's number because they started dating during college?"

"I thought Zoe was straight?"

"Pansexual," corrected Evan, tapping away at his phone. 

EH: Hey zoe

ZM: hi evan!

EH: by any chance can you give me Alana's number?

ZM: why?

ZM: you saw her on TV, didn't you

EH: I decided it was time to finally talk to her

Zoe Murphy has sent a contact: Alana <3

ZM: here

EH: Jared says hi

ZM: hi jared

EH: well thanks

Evan unpaused the news, and the interview with Alana was over.

He almost immediately dialed her.

One ring. Two rings. Three ri-- A click.

"Hello?"

"Alana! Hi," excitedly greeted Evan.

"Evan? Oh my gosh. How have you been? Jesus...I was actually just about to get your contact from Zoe...I...Wow." A pause. "How are you?"

Evan winced. Small talk. After all these years, he still hated it. Too awkward. "I've been....I've been great. Uh...Jared and I go-got married?"

"Put her on speaker!" said Jared, hanging over Evan's shoulder.

Evan obeyed. 

"Wow...That's great! Me and Zoe are still dating, if you didn't know."

"I did. What a....What a perfect match."

"Hi Alana!" Yelled Jared. Evan winced, leaning away.

"Oh. Hi Jared! I didn't know you were there...Anyway. Did you ever get that degree in enviromental science? I know you loved trees."

"No..After....After the Connor Project trees kind of just seemed...they just seemed awful all of the sudden."

"I feel you, Evan. That's why I put research into this...Ev...I feel so much regret."

"We were all in a fault."

"So, next time you can, can you fly out to California? I have an idea."

"Me too."

They hung up, Evan looking over at Jared wide eyes. "So, are you ready?"

"What the fuck is happening." Was all Jared said. 

Chapter Text

Dear Evan Hansen,

Are you blind? Are you deaf? Follow this fucking letter, I beg you

• Today I want you to visit Connor. Bring him flowers
• Since you've talked to Alana, DO go to the Connor Project meeting
• Bring Jared 
• Zoe WILL be there. Don't make a fool of yourself

Evan winced. What a friendly letter. He really wasn't liking his future self.

He folded it up. Here he was, in a flower shop looking for flowers Connor would like. Is it weird to bring someone you barely even know flowers? He had no idea.

Evan ducked through aisles of flowers until he grabbed some tulips. He grimaced as he awkwardly paid for them.

"12.46," the man behind the counter said boredly.

Evan stumbled with his change as he nearly dropped it. He slid it on the counter, picked up his flowers, and scurried off.

Wasn't that a pleasant experience?

He got into his shit car, not immediately starting it up. He slid down in his seat, groaning. This was so weird.

Evan Hansen never thought he'd be in this situation, that's for sure. 

He's going to mention the Connor Project, and Connor will dictate whether it's a good idea to go to it or not. It IS about him, after all.

Evan slid in a CD to some indie band he hasn't heard of and drove off. He leaned, resting his elbow and yawning. Ever since the first letter he'd be up all night, studying time travel and the study of parallel universes. He sipped at his water, swaying at a sharp turn he made and pulled up.

Gripping the flowers tightly to his chest, Evan made his way down the winding hallway to Connor's room.

He knocked, waited for three seconds, then entered.

Connor laid on his back, staring at the ceiling, his blue eyes bored and lazily blinking. He shifted his eyes over to see Evan. He studied the flowers before looking back at the ceiling. 

Quietly, Evan kicked the door shut behind him and set his backpack down on the floor. He put the flowers in an empty vase on the table next to his bed. Shrugging, Evan grabbed his water bottle and dumped it into the vase.

"Hi...Connor," said Evan after a forever of silence.

Connor finally shifted to where he sat upwards. "I'm coming back next week. My family decided I don't need help."

Evan felt something stab at his heart. "A-after...This?" He gestured vaguely, but Connor got the idea.

"Huh. It seems so," Grunted Connor, swinging his legs off the bed and running a finger along the leaves. "These are....T-These are for me?" He asked quietly.

Evan hesitantly sat beside Connor, wincing when it made a loud squeaking sound. Was he that heavy? "Yeah."

Connor gave Evan a look of surprise. "You're not fucking with me, are you?"

"What the hell--wh-why would I?"

"Nobody has ever...Nobody has ever done anything like that before," murmured Connor. "Anyway, I'm glad I'm getting out. Can't stand another day of this shit hospital food. The nurses follow you everywhere too. Can't even take a shit on your own."

Evan looked away, flushing. That sounded awful. "Wow....uh..."

Connor cut him off. "I don't need pity. Now, what is it? You look like you're about to explode."

Evan chewed on the inside of his cheek. "There's a uh...There's a club at school...about you."

Connor abruptly stood up, wobbling slightly. "There's a what?" he growled.

"Yeah..I uh...Yeah. It's called the Connor Project?"

"And you're a part of this?"

Evan jumped to his feet. "No!" He wrung his hands together. "I uh...Yeah...Uh. Alana started it."

Connor began pacing back and forth, eyes filled with fire and furrowed brows. "And they just...A club to make fun of me?" He clenched his fists. He looked over at Evan, and a chill went down his spine. He took a step forward. "Who's in it?"

Evan shrugged, wanting to take a step back but his feet were glued to the floor. He wanted to look away but he stared right back at Connor. He never noticed how his left eye had a brown speck on it. Cool. "uh...I uh...I don't know. It erm...erm...It starts like...Next week I think...I can bring you a uh...A flyer tomorrow?"

"Don't. Join it."

Evan gaped. "J-Join it?" He repeated in disbelief. "You just said..."

Connor flopped back down. "Yeah, well update me on what they're doing." His voice dripped with venom as he said, "They think they know me? As soon as I could die they suddenly care? Oh fuck off!" Connor slouched over, staring at his bare feet, pulling at his hair. "Get the hell out Evan. I'm not in the mood. Thanks for the flowers. They'll die soon."

"Oh..." Evan slowly and awkwardly shuffled out of the room, quickly shutting the door behind him. He sighed. "What was that?" He asked himself.

He needed some sleep.

As Evan made his way down, he froze. What was Jared doing here? There Jared was, sitting on one of the waiting room chairs, lazily scrolling through his phone. The letter never mentioned this. "J-Jared?"

"Hey Evan," said Jared, getting up and pocketing his phone. "Heidi gave me a ride here, saying you were here."

"How'd she know that?"

Jared shrugged. "She saw you. Anyway, I'm staying the night."

Evan narrowed his eyes. "Since when?"

"Since now." Jared waltzed up, slapping Evan on the back, causing him to cough violently. "So anyway...We got shit to discuss."

Evan's heart began to pound. Discuss? Oh man. This means Jared's going to family-friend-dump him. Is that even a thing? Do his parents finally pay his car insurance? Great. Now he'll be friendless and the closest thing to his friend is his mom, his dick of a future self, and Connor who is in the hospital from a suicide attempt. Fan-fucking-tastic.

"Chill Evan. Stop hyperventalating. Do you need a paper bag?" 

"no!" snapped Evan. He hugged himself. "Let's just...Let's just go." Evan dug out his keys and entered his car.

JAred climbed in to, slamming his door a little too hard. Evan glared at him, Jared just shrugging.

The music began when Evan started the car, and Jared immediately shut it off. "What is your problem?" Demanded Evan.

The entire car ride, Jared remained silent. It was odd because Jared usually talked his ear off.

When they got to Evan's house, Jared dragged Evan to his own room and locked the door. Jared paid no mind to the papers and books of late night studying. He sat down on Evan's bed, Evan taking a reluctant seat beside him.

Then, the next words that left Jared's mouth nearly gave Evan a heart attack. 
"I know about the letters."

Chapter Text

"I know about the letters."

Evan darted to his feet. "The uh...W-What letters?"

Jared dug in his pocket, pulling out a folded sheet of paper. "Don't act dumb, Evan. These letters," he waved around the paper in his hand.

Taking a step back, Evan stammered a reply, "What...Uh...Is that a le-letter?"

"So you admit you know the letters!" Jared stood up.

"H-How do.. do...how do you know?" Questioned Evan, wiping his hands off and trying to steady his racing heart. 

Jared thrusted the paper into Evan's hands, crossing his arms. "Read it," he prompted.

Slowly, Evan shakily read the paper.

Dear the insanely cool Jared Kleinman!

How are you my man? My homie? My buddy? My....self.

Yes, Tis I! I'm you, but cooler.

Dude I wonder if I went back in time I could bang you. Hmm. Anyway, here's this letter. You must follow all these steps exactly or Evan will have my ass.

"I'll have your ass, huh?"

"Just read it."

Then it listed a bunch of steps to follow. The date had today on it. Evan snapped his gaze up. "How'd you..." Evan gulped. "How'd you know I had one too?"

Jared rolled his eyes. "You're not as smooth as sneaky as you think, Evan. Also I think future Evan would try to communicate to his stupid ass past self."

"Um Excuse....Excuse me?"

Jared waved him off. "I also went through your shit while you were at dinner with the Murphy's."

"You what?" 

Evan sighed, opening his drawer full of the letters. "So, how many letters do you have? Is that your first?" Asked Evan.

"Yea," said Jared, taking his letter back and pocketing it. "And my only. It said shit on apologizing to Connor and you. It told me to tell you about this, too."

Evan frowned. His future self just tells him to ignore people...Not apologize and befriend people! "Huh."

Jared glanced around before whispering, "This shit is insane, right? Like our future selves communicating to us! I wish we could talk back. What would they say? I would ask if I ever married some hot chick--"

"--Jared you're gay."

Jared shushed him. "What if future me in some alternate timeline isn't? Man, that's so crazy!"

Evan sat down on the edge of his bed. "It stresses me out. Like, I have broken so many rules and steps already. Future me probably hates me! I hate me now!"

"Jesus Ev, chill. It can't be that bad--"

"Jared I crumpled up and threw away one of the letters."

"Evan oh my fucking God." Jared ran a hand through his hair. "If our future selves are doing all of this to fix shit, obviously we did something pretty fucking bad and if we end up like them--or worse--we can't just go back in time in fix it. We'd have to send letters and just...Ugh, this is making my brain hurt."

Evan drummed his fingers on his thigh. "I wonder if anybody else got a letter."

"I bet Alana did," said Jared. "Anyway, today, some freaky shit happened."

"Other than the letter from yourself?"

"I'm an awful influence on you. You're starting to be a snarky little shit."

Evan just shrugged, a small smile playing at his lips. 

"Anyway, Zoe came up to me, and she acting batshit crazy. Like, Connor level of crazy. Are the Murphy's all psycho?" Jared groaned, rubbing his temples. "This is so hard to process. So like, she was running up to me asking what the Hell I knew. Of course I was confused because first of all, why is she talking to me, secondly, what does she think I know?"

"Does she know something about the letters?" Asked Evan.

"I have no fucking clue. She looked like a crazed animal. She kept on asking me what I knew about Connor. Of course, All I know is that he's in the hospital from suicide but she said weird shit was going down."

Evan flopped back onto the bed, staring at his ceiling fan slowly spin around. "What if we screwed some shit up in the timeline? Meddling with time doesn't seem right."

Jared rolled his eyes. "It's just...Letters. What could altering a few things do?"

Evan sat up, looking over at Jared with wide eyes. "A lot of stuff could happen. We could end up killing our future selves, Jared!"

"But they wouldn't know because it's a different timeline!" reasoned Jared.

"Time still isn't something you play with!" Snapped Evan, digging his fingers into his sheets. "We're screwing with stuff nobody had any business doing. What next? We can fucking stop time?"

Jared grinned widely. "That'd be super cool! Bro, what if we're like...Like superheros. Of course, I'd be the hero. You're the sidekick. Acorn boy!"

"I am...Not...Ugh. Whatever."

Jared squeezed Evan's shoulders. "Moral of the story: chill the fuck out, and if you want we really can delve into some more super cool research."

"Okay, sounds fine but--"

Jared cut Evan off. "I'll help you for twenty grand."

"What the Hell."

"Kidding, Kidding. But if you have twenty grand with you pay up, bitch."

Chapter Text

They spent their entire weekend living off of mountain dew and old instant noodles to keep themselves awake.

Evan looked over at the time, rubbing his bloodshot eyes. 3:22 A.M. He looked back at Jared who was laid back on Evan's bed, flipping through a book.

"This is useless," muttered Evan, shutting the book he was formerly engrossed in.

Jared snapped his gaze to Evan. "You asked for help."

"Uh...No I didn't?"

Jared shut his book, setting it on Evan's nighstand. 'Well I want to figure out all this crazy shit!"

Evan narrowed his eyes. "And you think I don't?"

"You're acting like you don't."

Evan scooted to the edge of his chair,leaning forward. "I'm just as confused as you Jared," evan ran a hand through his hair. "But maybe it's not our place."

"It became our place when we were dragged in this," snapped Jared, scooting the edge of the bed leaning forward as well. They could hear the whistle of eachother's breathing.

"No it didn't Jared," growled Evan, standing up. He swished around the half empty can of mountain dew. "God, never thought I'd be researching time travel at three AM sick from all this shitty mountain dew."

Jared shrugged. "You signed up for it when you opened that damn letter."

Evan shifted. "Do you ever wonder what happened for them to have to send these letters?"

Blinking slowly, Jared shrugged. "Yeah. We'll never know, though."

"We probably ruined it--er, I did, by not following everything."

"Damn you're such a pessimist."

CONNOR MURPHY

Connor hated everything about this damn hospital. He wanted to desperately blame Evan Hansen. 

Connor, that night, was planning on killing himself. When he said he'd go to school the next day, he knew he'd be dead.

He was wrong.

For some reason when he got the text, he swallowed the pills. It made him run out to living room, passing out right before them.

Then he woke up in the hospital, it was so white and bright.

When Evan visited, he was honestly shocked. He even was kind of pissed.

It also confused him because why did Evan want to befriend him. Evan, the boy afraid of his own shadow, wanted to be friends with school-shooter kid.

Connor glanced at the wilting flowers. In about an hour his parents we're going to pick him up.

Suddenly the hospital seemed favorable.

"Connor?" A voice said softly.

Connor snapped his gaze over. It was the nurse that attended to him. "Yeah?"

"Your family's here."

Connor groaned, shifting off of the bed. He glanced at the wilting flowers, then back at the nurse. He was about to leave them before he snatched them up and marched out of the room.

What? Evan spent money on them, might as well keep the damn flowers until they're completely dead. 

Chapter Text

Dear Evan Hansen,

Can you please listen to these letters? These will help and I am worried some bad shit will happen if you don't listen.

• Connor will be at school
• Greet him 
• He'll mention the flowers, ignore that

Evan scowled. Why is he keep getting told to ignore people? He pocketed the note and made his way to school.

Just as entered the school, a voice spoke from behind him.

"Hey uh...Evan. Evan. Yeah."

Evan turned around, eyeing Connor. He was hunched over, the bags under his eyes less noticeable and a lack of the usual redness in his eyes. "H-hi...Connor."

Connor fidgeted. It was weird to see him almost...nervous. "I uh...Thanks for visiting me in the hospital all those times."

"Oh! Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. We're uh...We're f-friends right?" Evan pulled and tugged at his shirt hem awkwardly.

"Yeah...Anyway, so, why'd you er...Why'd you get me flowers?"

Evan froze. The letter said to ignore it. What should he do? Fuck.

"Evan?"

Evan jolted out of his thoughts. He opened his mouth to say something, but Jared approached them.

So that's why he shouldn't have said anything. Jared would've mocked him in some way.

• Connor will invite you after school
• Deny THIS day

"So, shooter kid and Evan hanging together," he commented, eyebrows raised. "Gonna pull a good ol' Bonnie and Clyde?"

Connor rolled his eyes. "I'm surprised your dumb ass knows who those two people are."

"Yea but this ass is pretty nice."

Evan picked at a scab on his arm. "J-Jared that makes no sense."

Jared opened his mouth to reply, but thought better of it. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and stalked off.

Connor chewed on his lip. "Thank God that asshole is gone. What were we talking about?"

Evan opened his mouth but was cut off.

"Oh yeah. Come over to my house."

Evan's eyes widened, he tugged at his shirt collar. "I uh...I ca-can't tonight."

Connor stared at him for a good few moments before shrugging and walking off.

Evan tried to ignore the pounding of his heart as he continued the day, as the letter he was given today said nothing more.

Chapter Text

The letter was short and said nothing more than the few steps Evan accomplished earlier.

"Evan!"

Evan whirled around, sighing. He just really wanted to go home.

Alana hurried up, holding her fifty pounds worth of books and papers close to her chest.

"Are you coming to the meeting tonight?" she asked, eyes shining in excitement.

Crap, that's right.  Evan was handed a flyer for the Connor Project. Connor DID tell him to go, but the letter never mentioned it. But it did also tell Evan to decline Connor's invite. Is this why?

"Y-Yeah."

Alana beamed. "Awesome!" She grabbed ahold of Evan's wrist, dragging him off.

Evan was pulled into a classroom. On the whiteboard, in big, colorful, bubble letters was written, "CONNOR PROJECT." In front of the podium Alana went up to stand behind, sat Jared on a desk, lazily scrolling through his phone. Beside him, who sat on an actual chair, was Zoe who boredly picked at her nails.

"Let the meeting start--oh Evan, close the door," said Alana, pulling out a neon green folder. "Hello everybody, I think it'll just be us for today."

Evan slowly shut the door, trying to ignore Jared's gaze. He awkwardly shuffled over to a chair.

"Or ever," muttered Jared, still focused on his phone.

Zoe rolled her eyes. "I hate to agree, but he's right. Literally I was forced here because I am related to him, and Jared's here because you offered him a ride home."

Alana narrowed her eyes. "Evan is here by choice."

Everyone snapped their gaze to Evan who went bright red. He shifted awkwardly in his seat. "Er..."

"Is he really?" Demanded Zoe, eyes still burning on him. "Why are you here Evan?" She leaned forward.

Instinctively, Evan leaned back. "B-Because..."

"Because Connor is one of Evan's dearest friend!" Butted in Alana.

Evan froze up. Remind him to strangle Alana later.

Jared hopped off the desk. "Really now?" 

Evan looked away, feeling Jared's stare on the back of his head. "I uh...I just--"

"Can we please start?"

"Whatever," grumbled Zoe, leaning back in her seat once more.

The door suddenly swung open, everyone slowly turning their gaze to the door. All at once, everyone's eyes widened. 

Connor stood in the doorway, scanning the classroom. He entered, shutting the door behind him. His footsteps echoed, and the room was so quiet you could hear a penny drop. He plopped into a chair beside Evan.

"I see one of Evan's dearest friend's has arrived." Jared sneered. 

Alana, instead grinned widely, adjusting her glasses. "I see the man himself has joined! Welcome, Welcome!"

"Yo."

Zoe scoffed. "Since he's here, can I leave?"

Alana frowned. "Why would you do that? The more the merrier!"

Evan scooted his chair back to where it was against the wall. Why did he say yes? He hunched forward, resting his face in the palms of his hands.

"How about we have Evan come up here to talk about the club?"

Fuck no.

Except he didn't say that. He instead went bright red, running out of the room. He's going to walk home. He's going to go home and just pretend this stupid club never existed.

"Evan!" 

Evan kept walking until he slammed into something--er someone, realized Evan as he looked up. Connor glanced down at him, eyebrow raised. He pulled out his keys, dangling them. "Want to head to my house, now?"

Despite what the letter said, Evan bit his tongue, nodding.

"Let's go then," Connor grumbled, grabbing  onto Evan's hand harshly. He tried to ignore the way his nails dug into Evan's palm.

Or the jolt of warmth that went up his arm. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Dear Evan Hansen,

Please tell me I didn’t send this to an alternate universe where you CAN’T READ by accident. Because NONE of my letters seem to be getting through.

Evan winced, feeling the wrath of his future self through the paper. He wanted to defend himself, to say he tried last time but it didn’t work. But since he couldn’t, he read through the letter from himself with a sigh,

Now, before I write a list, I have to say something. Your future… It isn’t that bad. I remember reading over these letters and wondering how fucked I was, but in terms of the ‘American dream’, you’re good. You have a husband (yes, you like guys too. You didn’t realise that until the end of senior year in my timeline.).

Evan blushed, realising all the things that suddenly made a bit of sense. Maybe there was something to come from listening to himself.

Problem is… You don’t love your husband the way he loves you. And I can’t tell you who he is. I told him I wouldn't tell you even, but this is important. 

Aside from that, you need to listen to me. Lives will be ruined if you (I? We?) Don’t fix some stuff. So take this list to heart, I BEG YOU:

• Alana will approach you and ask what happened with you and Connor. Ignore the question, and instead ask how the meeting went and apologise for leaving. Bring up something about how you were supporting Connor.

• YOU NEED TO GO TO THE NEXT MEETING AND STAY TIL THE END but that’s not til Monday.

• Jared will try to make fun of you leaving with Connor. CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

• At lunch, Connor will ask you to sit with him. Accept the offer. Invite Jared too. (He’ll decline. Don’t pressure him at this point).

Evan’s palms were sweaty. Eating lunch alone with Connor seemed like something out of one of his nightmares. But he had made a promise to himself, literally.

“Evan!” He whipped around, coming face to face with Alana as expected. “Where did you and Connor go? Why did you skip the meeting, we could really use someone like you-”

“Sorry, we had homework.” He lied. “How- How did the meeting end up?”

Alana huffed. “Well, it was okay. Zoe and Jared had some good ideas.”

“That’s… Good.” He sighed. “I’m um, I’m sorry for leaving. Connor needed someone there for him.”

She seemed to feel bad for being upset after that. “Oh. Well, I understand.” She said. “It’s a good thing that Connor has a friend like you, Evan.” She looked at her watch, jumping. “Shoot! I need to go talk to the principal about switching my P.E to trig. Bye!”

Just as Alana walked away, Jared was at Evan’s shoulder. “How did your date go? I mean I was gonna invite you over but now that I see you like dudes...”

“Jared you’re gay. And it wasn’t- it wasn’t a date.”

“Oh yeah. Anyway, I got another letter from future me, and-”

“Future me says I’m- I’m  married. “ Evan couldn’t control the words coming out of his mouth as the realisation hit him. “And that I’m unhappy with it.”

Jared eyed him up and down quietly, an unreadable look on his face. “Oh.”

“An-Anyway… What were you, um, -”

“Nevermind, I have to go.” Jared rushed off.

He watched Jared leave, confusion etched on his face. He looked down at the letter and was thankful he didn’t have to deal with anything else until lunch.

By the time lunch period rolled around, Evan had tried to psych himself up to talk to Connor.

It hadn’t worked.

How was he supposed to act? Did he approach Connor first? Would Connor actually ask, or would he just order Evan to eat with him? His palms were sweating at just the thought of doing something wrong. What if he ended up, like, killing his future husband or something?

When he spotted the brunet in the hall, it was obvious that Connor wanted to talk to him. He raised his hand slightly and waved, seemingly not noticing that Evan was shaking.

“Hey… Evan.” He stopped a few feet away, fiddling with the strap of his bag. “Listen, do you want to eat lunch with me?” Connor being nervous was new to him.

“Oh, uh, um…”

“You don’t have to. It’s whate-” Evan wondered if it was just a trick of the eyes or if Connor was actually slightly blushing.

“Yeah, sure!” Evan interrupted a little too loudly.  

Connor nodded, a practised neutral expression on his face. “Okay.”

As he followed, he caught Jared coming out of one of the bathrooms. “Jared!” He called, nodding to Connor. “Do you, um, do you wanna eat lunch with- with Connor and I?” He nervously looked back and forth between them.

“I’m fine, thanks,” Jared said coolly. “ I’ve got better things to do than to hang out with someone to anxious to order food and a fucking school shooter.”

Evan furrowed his eyebrows, confused. Jared had been fine this morning, what had changed? “Jared, What-”  

“Hate to interrupt, but Evan, we should probably get to lunch,” Connor said, tapping his foot.

Jared looked between them and gave a humourless laugh. “Yeah, you should go to lunch. Have fun on your date.” He stalked off, leaving a confused Evan in his wake.

Eating lunch with Connor was not as bad as he thought it would be. It was quieter than anything, and there were a few people who stared at the two. But by now, Evan was used to being ignored.

Every time Zoe looked over at him, she glared as if he had personally offended her somehow. For some reason, it didn’t bother Evan as much as it would have before, which was almost as odd as getting a letter from your future self. 

While Connor was distracted with throwing his lunch away, Evan checked his letter.

• Since you decided to ditch the meeting with Connor, this time accept his invitation to dinner.

• The dinner will be tense. Hopefully, it won’t, but if Connor’s attempt gets brought up, CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

• At the end of the dinner, let Connor walk you to the door. Don’t say anything. Let him vent for a few minutes.

• And finally, DON’T TELL ANYONE ABOUT WHAT I’VE TOLD YOU IN THE LETTERS SO FAR.

When he read the last line he noticeably winced, causing Connor -- who had returned -- to look up. “What’s that?”

“Oh, um, it’s nothing!” Evan said, laughing nervously. But with the speed at which his words came out, it ended up being a high pitched ‘ Ohumit’snothing’.

Connor inspected him for a second, then shrugged. “Oh, my mom said to invite you over for dinner.”

“Oh,” Evan said, looking down. “Are y-you, um, are you okay with that?”

“Yeah, sure. I mean. You’re the only person who doesn’t look at me like I’m an injured deer or about to bomb the school, so…”

“O-Okay. I’ll be there.”

Dinner was about as tense as his future self had led him to believe.

There was a minimal amount of small talk, and the atmosphere of the last dinner had become tense. Evan didn’t want to think about why it suddenly changed.

“So, Evan. Any plans for college?” Cynthia asked.

“Oh, um…” He flushed. “I’m probably going to take a year off, to- to save up? Which is t-totally okay because I don’t really, um, know what I want to d-do just yet.”

“Well that’s nice, I’m sure you’ll come up with something.” She smiled.

“It’s more than Connor has.” Zoe snorted.

“Well if I planned to still be alive next year, maybe I’d try  more.” Connor snapped.

The table was silent. Cynthia excused herself to ‘go check on dessert’.

Evan cleared his throat. “So, um…. Um…. Um…”

Cynthia bustled in, eyes slightly red. “Dessert is ready! Vegan, gluten free, organic pie!”

After the rest of the --very awkward-- dinner, Connor followed Evan to the front porch.

“I’m, I’m fucking sorry about that shit.” Connor sighed.

“N-no, it’s-”

“”They’re just,” He leaned against the door. “They won't send me anywhere. They won’t fucking get me help, and it’s fucking infuriating.”

“I’m s-”

“Evan,” Connor almost groaned. “Don’t apologize.”

Evan nodded, looking down.

“You can go home. I won’t keep you.” He was guarded, but his words struck Evan as if he were holding something back.

“Connor-”

“Evan, I’m fine.” He seemed to read Evan’s mind. “ I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

Evan stepped away but turned to face Connor.. “Uh, um, text me?”

Connor paused and then nodded. “Um, sure. I’ll do that.”

When Evan returned home, he checked his phone and saw an unfamiliar sight:  Jared had ignored every text he had sent.

Chapter Text

-The beginning of chapter 11-

Jared looked down at the letter in his hands with a confused expression.

His future self had told him that he wouldn’t meddle more than that one day, that one time where he had told himself to be nice to Evan and Connor. To apologise. He had done what the letter said without hesitation. Might as well make the most of it, right?

His future self had promised no more letters… unless…

Unless some bad shit happened. He was struck with an anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach, considering all the bad things that could’ve happened to him or even to Evan.

Dear the insanely cool Jared Kleinman,

Don’t worry. I know what I said last time about the letters. Alas, nothing bad has happened!

He breathed a sigh of relief.

So now I’m guessing you’re wondering why I did write this.

Fun fact; I can’t remember how the timeline has changed until it has been changed.So up until tomorrow, I’ll remember going about my normal days.

Oh, and faking a dead kid’s letters to Evan.

No, you didn’t read that wrong.

Connor Murphy? That guy? Yeah, he was supposed to die on the night of the first day of senior year by suicide.

You already know about his attempt. But the letters? No, that never happened in your timeline.

The tough thing is; those letters are part of what got you and Evan closer. It’s part of the reason you guys got in a huge fight. Hell, it’s part of the reason Evan came crying to you in a mess at 12 AM one night and wouldn’t leave until you forgave him. (Spoiler alert: Of course you did.)

Another spoiler alert: Those letters? Somehow they played a part, everything played a part, in you eventually marrying Evan.

At this point, Jared dropped the letter, shaking his head as it slid across the empty dining room.  This had to be a joke, some kind of attempt by Evan to make him seem foolish.

But what if?

He scrambled over, picking up the letter and finding his place.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. “Me and Evan? Married?” But it’s more likely than you, than I, ever thought.

I promised him I wouldn’t tell you, but remembering your stupid huge crush you had in the past, I wanted to make my own day a bit better. Especially with the fact that Evan changing all of this stuff is driving me a bit crazy.

Love does that.

Jared stared at the letter in shock. His future self went on about their marriage, and about Evan. The way he talked about Evan…

The way he talked about Evan was exactly the way this Jared talked about Evan to his friends at camp, but less brushing it off. The way future Jared spoke about Evan was the way Jared would if he knew Evan liked him back. 

The thought of it was insane, but it sent an almost giddy feeling through Jared; did Evan really like him back? He rolled his eyes at how crazy his thoughts were, he felt like an overactive teenage girl.

He couldn’t really wait to tell Evan, slight excitement mingling with nerves.

Now, since you know: You can’t tell Evan.

Well, fuck that.  Why not tell Evan? Maybe that would just start them as a relationship, kind of like how he was supposed to apologise and stop being a dick.

But then again, future Jared was the one who had told him to be nicer. But he couldn’t always be right.

With that thought, Jared grabbed his book bag. He couldn’t wait to get to school.

-A future in which Evan is very clueless-

Evan leant back in his chair with a sigh. Jared was on a business trip, meaning that he had a week to just relax.

A week to write letters without being asked jealous questions.

Guilt hit him at the same speed as his thoughts. He shouldn’t feel guilty when his husband found out what the letters said. He shouldn’t be trying to change the future for another self at all. But the thought that another him somewhere could be in a future in which he was married to someone he truly loved in a romantic way? That was too much to pass up.

He, of course, had memories of how life went when he sent himself the letters. He knew that his fucking idiot of a past self never read the letters fully before acting. He knew that he had told Jared he was unhappily married, but he hoped that his husband didn’t remember that.

His cell phone rang, startling him enough so that he nearly dropped his laptop.

“H-Hello?” He prayed the person on the other line could not hear his heavy breathing.

“Evan, I have really really bad- er, shocking news. I need you to meet me at the lab as soon as possible.” Alana was urgent, and Evan hoped that he was just imagining the frantic tone she had.

“O-Okay, should I wait til Jared is- is home too?”

“...I don’t think you should. You should definitely come alone.”

She hung up, and Evan’s mind went into overdrive. He considered everything it could be about. Had Alana read his letters? Did he mess something up? What if they sent a letter to the wrong dimension and he caused world war three?

The most terrifying ones were the thoughts of if he had somehow ended up causing Connor’s death in a worse way than originally. His memories of the timeline that he was changing were not pretty at all, but so far Connor ended up living unless… Unless Evan wasn’t there for him.

He didn’t even know if he regretted sending the letters, or just the fact that he couldn’t figure out the perfect thing to say.

For the second time in ten minutes, his phone rang. But this time, it was a call from Jared.

“Hello?”

“Evan,” Jared sounded worried. “What did you tell yourself in your last letter?”

Chapter Text

Evan was waiting outside of a classroom for Connor, reading over the letter that his future self had sent him.

Look, I can’t make you listen to me. I SPECIFICALLY asked you not to tell anyone what I told you, and what did you do? Do you know how bad that could’ve gotten?

I don’t even know the full effects of what you’ve said and done yet. I have small memories and stuff from your timeline, but everything is getting… Weird.

So PLEASE, read ALL OF THIS:

• Connor is gonna meet up with you. Hang out with him, but try to avoid mention of his family. Especially Zoe. Don’t talk about Jared.

• If Zoe does approach you, don’t talk to her about anything. Don’t let her pry. Trust m, this is more for her than it is for you.

• Keep calling Jared. Do anything it takes to get him to finally answer you.

• Talk to your mom about work, or something pointless. Don’t push her away.

• Start one of those college essays she told you about. You’ll probably need it.

• DON'T TELL ANYONE ELSE ANYTHING ABOUT THE LETTERS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

He read through the entire letter twice, just to be sure. He was ruining everything, and he hoped that whatever weirdness his future self was speaking about stopped if he kept following the instructions. He could do this, right?

He flipped out his phone, calling Jared. It rang twice before going to voicemail. He tried again, and the same thing happened.

“Evan, you listening?” Connor asked.

He jumped. “Y-yeah I’m just-” Don’t talk about Jared. “I was just looking at- at something on F-Facebook.”

Connor shrugged. “Facebook is shit. Wanna hang out at my house?”

Evan nodded. “S-Sure.”

No matter how often they went to the Murphy household over the past few weeks--which was very often, considering Evan never invited Connor over to his own house-- Evan always felt nervous to do anything. He didn’t ask for food unless Connor mentioned it, he usually spent an hour trying to remember where the bathroom was, and if he stayed for dinner he rarely spoke unless spoken to. And then there was the fact that he wasn't supposed to mention Jared but was supposed to get him to answer this time.

And yet, he still went over there when Connor asked. He couldn’t tell if it were more his wish for approval from his friend or his hope that maybe just maybe his presence would miraculously make Connor realise he wasn’t suicidal anymore.

It didn’t work that way. He knew from experience.

“Evan?”  Connor seemed annoyed.

“Yeah, sorry.”

“What’s up? You’ve been out of it all fucking day.” He scrolled on his phone, looking up at Evan.

“Just a lot of c-college stuff. My mom- My mom wants to, uh, do some essays.”  He lied. In reality, he spent most of his time worrying about whatever the fuck future Evan was trying to save him from--- other than an unhappy marriage.

“Jeez. My mom has been trying to get me to apply to a few shitty colleges.” He rolled his eyes. “I’m probably just gonna go to community if I’m alive by then.”

“W-Why do you say that?” The words came out of his mouth before he could stop them, stopping him mid-text to Jared. “That- That you won’t be alive?”

“Well, I mean, it’s kind of obvious. My family won’t even get me help.” Connor laughed humorlessly. “Zoe hates me and she’s been acting… Weird. Mom and Larry are always fucking arguing and I can’t do anything r-” He stopped, seeming to realise where he was. His face went blank.  “Let’s just change the subject, okay? What movie do you want to watch?”

Evan stuttered out a reply, internally searching for something--anything-- to say.

When Evan got home -- earlier than usual, as Cynthia and Larry had gone on a “date night”-- Heidi was in the kitchen.

“Hey!” She smiled. “I was making some tacos, figured you and I could eat dinner together just like old times.”

He faked a smile back, ignoring the part of his mind that wanted him to go to his room and watch YouTube. “Um, sure.”

She gave him an even wider smile, and Evan felt guilty when he noticed the bags under her eyes. “Were you at your new friend’s house, honey? You’ve been over there a lot.”

“Um, y-yeah. His mom makes dinner a lot and usually asks me to stay and I don’t wanna be rude so I-- yeah.”

She nodded. “Well, that explains how the money I leave is always still there.” She covered the taco meat, sitting at the table across from her son. “Have you worked on any of those essays? Thought of any of the topics?”

“Well, um, there was that- that one about where I see myself in ten years…”

• A future in which Evan is very stressed -

Evan was twenty minutes late to meeting Alana.

He blamed it on a lack of sleep. After a -- very short-- conversation with Jared in which his husband said they could “talk more after he got home”, Evan had stayed up for hours thinking about all the possibilities of the talk. He loved Jared, he really did. Just not in the way Jared wanted him to.

“Alana,” He sighed. “I am so, um, so sorry I’m late. Traffic was-”

“Evan, so nice to see you.” She gave a polite -- but obviously half-hearted-- smile. “I want to get straight to it.”

He nodded, hoping that it was a cue for her to go on.

“Well, how do I say this nicely… Your letters, my letters, Jared’s letters--”

“J-Jared only wrote one.” He interrupted.

“He dropped one off on his way to the airport the other day,” Alana said with a furrowed brow, scrolling through the data on her tablet. Evan made a mental note to ask his husband about it -- if he even still had a husband. “Anyway. Plain and simple: We, er, we sent the letters to the wrong reality.”

“Um, w-what does that mean?” Sweat broke out on his forehead.

“Well…” She winced, reading the data closer. “Our letters are changing our own futures. Meaning that you befriended Connor in our reality. Meaning that eventually, something we change could be so drastic that the entire life as we know it-- the life in which you and Jared married and I discovered the technology, that is to say-- will be changed.”

Well, shit.

Chapter Text

Evan was panicking. He searched through the mail on the table once, twice, three times, and five more times after that. Every search drew the same conclusion.

His future self hadn’t sent a letter.

Of course, there were plenty of completely logical explanations. His letter could’ve been lost, he simply could have forgotten, hell maybe his future self was just mad at him.

His future self was definitely dead. He fucked everything up and his future self was dead.

He dialled the number on instinct before he knew what he was even doing.

“H-hello?” It was obvious that the voice on the other end had just woken up.

“Jared,” Evan said urgently. “I didn’t get a letter today.”

There was a pause, and Evan was pretty sure Jared was debating on hanging up on him. Finally, his friend sighed. “My door is unlocked. I’ll probably be in the shower when you get here.”  

Evan put on his shoes -a difficult feat with his cast- and grabbed his house key.

s Jared had warned, the faint sounds of the shower could be heard when he got through the door. He went to the sitting room, going to sit down but seeing a mess along the tables. Evan frowned. Jared usually laid around on the couch and barely took care of himself only when he and Evan were fighting.

Feeling a wave of guilt -had he done something? Because it was already bad if he hurt Jared but if he didn’t remember it that was worse- Evan started picking some of the trash up.

Within minutes it already looked better, but he still had to tackle some of the trash that had fallen onto the floor. He picked up a discarded pizza box,  seeing a piece of paper under it. The paper was crumpled up, and Evan glanced curiously, stopping when he saw who it was from.

Dear the insanely cool Jared Kleinman,

Don’t worry. I know what I said last time about the letters. Alas, nothing bad has happened!

Evan squinted, reading through the letter. At a specific line, he flushed bright red.

He and Jared? Married? Why would that happen? As far as he knew he didn’t have feelings for Jared, and Jared was often so rude that he doubted that he even liked him as a friend.

The second thing that went through his head: Was this why Jared wasn’t speaking to him?

Oh god, what if Jared didn’t actually have feelings for him?

It dawned on him what his future self had said.

Problem is… You don’t love your husband the way he loves you. And I can’t tell you who he is.

His mind was spiralling, and he could barely breathe. Shit. He grabbed a pen and a notebook that Jared had laying there and quickly wrote out a note making up some excuse about his mom finding the missing letter.

Once he got down the sidewalk and to his house, he tried to regulate his breathing -a tough exercise already, but harder when he didn’t want to stop walking.

He finally got down the sidewalk to his own house ten minutes later, and all he wanted was to go and relax with some music or a documentary. After he calmed his still heavy breathing of course.

This proved different when a head of someone who was sitting on his porch whipped around. “Hey, Evan.”

“C-Connor?”

-A future in which Evan done fucked up- (The author was going to delete this but decided 'fuck it')

Alana had said to call her anytime he was confused, so why couldn’t he make himself dial?

Jared was getting home today.

He sighed, trying to remember most of what he had changed. It had been weeks of the letters. Connor was alive and had become closer of a friend than Jared. And Jared…. Was ignoring him.

He knew that he eventually found the letter, meaning he found out that he and Jared were married. So much for stopping the butterfly effect, right?

He dialled the number.

“Evan!” Alana said. “I was just about to call you.”

“Hi, Alana. What- What were you about to um, call for?”

“Well…” It was the voice . Years of knowing Alana since the Connor project meant he knew that she delivered bad or troubling news with that voice. “I think we might need to meet up-”

“Alana. Please.”

“Listen, Evan,” She sighed. “I’ve been following your letters. All of the letters at the lab have to be approved by someone, and as you’re my acq-friend, I volunteered.”

Evan gave her time to catch her breath, slightly embarrassed.

“I’ve noticed the trend, and how they’re all about saving Connor, but Evan… You’re ruining everything all of us have worked for.”

“H-How am I-”

“Do you know where Zoe is right now, Evan? What I get to come home to?”

Evan paused, memory flooding him so fast it was as if he had repressed it. “The… The hospital.”

“And why is that ?” Her tone was something Evan had only heard one other time from her.

“Alana, I-”

“Evan,” She seemed to have calmed down. “Your entire thing is about saving Connor, right?”

“Yeah.”

“But you and I both know how it works out. Even when you change our future.”

“But if we could change it-”

“We can’t, Evan.” Alana sounded as if she were pitying him now. “We can’t save him.”

“W-What do you mean?”

“Connor can’t be saved in this timeline. Actually, he can’t be saved in any timeline.”

Just then, he heard the jingling of keys from the door. Jared silently stepped in, stomping upstairs without the usual cheery “Honey, I’m home!” Evan would’ve followed, but he was rooted in place by shock. “What?”

“Evan, simply put...Connor was supposed to die.”

Chapter Text

What happens when you wake up knowing what's supposed to happen that day? Not in an “Oh-I-planned-EVERYTHING" Alana way, but in a much more subtle, unconscious way.

Zoe didn't expect it to end up that way. But she found the day unravelling down to the pencil drop exactly the way she knew it would as if it were already a memory.

Until it didn't.

She wasn't gonna say she wouldn't stop her brother if he tried to kill himself. But did she try? But did she stop at his door when she had a faint inkling? Did she do anything but sigh and hope that maybe it was some dream, trying to ignore the voice in her head that told her that at least without her brother, there wouldn't be that pain of being afraid of her own house?

She couldn't ignore it when it crawled into her room, against everything she had ‘remembered’. So when her brother survived, and her mind went to the next possible way he could die, and he just kept avoiding it narrowly each time, she felt as if her soul was splitting. Every morning the headache she woke up with was worse than the last.

Not to mention Connor’s behaviour. Connor was… different. He wasn't better, not at all. He still got high and bitched at Larry, and still glared at Zoe as if she were the reason that his parents thought he was fucked up. But he was different around Evan, in the subtle soft way that hits you at once that someone that you thought was so evil actually cares about someone. It was subtle in the way that he would do that rare laugh that just almost met his eyes and the way that he started actually bringing his dishes to the sink or showering more.

It was present in the way that her brother started trying a bit more that Zoe found out his biggest secret- the smallest blossom of a crush on his only friend.

And that was the most bizarre part. All the ways that reality was supposed to be- None of them saw her brother happy, none of them saw him going to college or even becoming some kind of drug dealer. Evan was the temporary happiness that just so happened to save her brother every time as if he didn't even know it. Hell,  Connor even asked one morning if he could start taking Evan to school.   Asked.

She didn't go to school that day or the next.

- a future prone to fighting and bouts of anxiety-

For something that was supposed to fix everything, meddling in the past was causing Evan more stress than ever.

He wasn't sure how many times he and Jared had fought over the same thing, but it was clear that it had reached a breaking point.

“J-Jared, I…”

“No, Evan. My memories… They’re all fucked up. Every time I try to remember our wedding, or when I proposed there’s a dark cloud.” Jared explained, sounding frightened. “What the fuck did you do?”

“I’ll fix it, I-I swear.” Evan felt guilt coursing through him, grabbing his keys. “I have a meeting with Alana tomorrow, I’m gonna- I can fix this. I have to.”

“Evan…” Jared pinched the bridge of his nose with a sigh. “Do you want to fix it?”

“W-what?” He faltered.

“You heard me,” Jared said, looking at Evan with his face a mix of sadness and... pity.   “You can't change what you told your past self, and you're slowly making things worse to where eventually… Eventually, Evan, past me won't forgive you when you show up at my door begging for forgiveness, no matter what the circumstance is. So, do you want to fix it or not?”

“I…” Evan’s wide eyes refused to meet Jared’s, stuck in a whirlwind of thoughts and panic.

Jared nodded, turning to go to their room and trying to hide the tears that were falling.   “I'll be gone when you get home.”

“Jared, p-please-" move, do something. Fight it. All of his instincts were to pull his husband close and apologize a million times. But as Jared walked up the stairs, he stayed rooted in place trying to calm his breathing.

Evan woke up with a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. Groaning, he switched off his alarm - Which was playing some forest sounds he had found online to download - and went to his messages.  

To: Mom <3

Hey I thinkk I need to t ake a day o$f of school.

From: Mom <3

Okay, honey, there's money on the counter that was for tonight but you can use it and I'll swing by before class and give you more

He sighed in relief, rolling over and going back to sleep.

It was barely an hour later when he was woken up by knocking. He got up with a sigh, crossing his room and walking down the hall to the small living room. He pulled open the door nervously - to Connor, standing on his doorstep. He shivered with the chill that flowed in.

“Yo,” Connor said, shoving his hands in the pockets of his hoodie.

“Um, hi?” They stood in confused silence for a few seconds. “Connor, um, n-not to be rude but… Why are you, um, here? Don’t you have- don't you have school?”

“Yep. But you're kind of the only person who doesn't act like I'm either gonna shoot someone or myself - not that I wouldn't, but I'm not a fucking idiot so no guns to school- and I saw that you weren't there and I… I got bored.” Connor explained.

“Oh.”

“Yep.” Another silence passed, somewhat longer than the first. “So, can I come in, or are you gonna tell me to fuck off?”

Evan jumped as if he had been shocked, causing him to blush. “Oh- um- Shit- Yes yes you can come in.” He backed out of the door frame, showing his friend- could he be called that? Was this friendship? Inside.

“Thanks.” Connor sat on the couch, looking around in a way that Evan felt could be judging if he were in a harsher mood.

They sat, basking in the cool silence as if waiting for the other to speak.

“So-uh- um… How’s your family d-doing?” Evan asked, wincing at how dumb that question sounded.

“They’re shit. How about that weather?” Connor brushed off with a snort.

“It’s… Connor, um, it’s lit-literally raining.” He laughed, staring at his friend with a raised eyebrow.

They eyed each other down, finally breaking down into a small fit of chuckles.

“So-”

“Do you wanna go somewhere? Not that your house is boring but like, I’m kind of used to being stuck in a room all day. Yanno, suicide attempts and all.” Connor interrupted, picking at the chipped black nail polish on his fingers.

“Oh, um. Yeah, yeah sure that sounds good.” Evan blushed. “Where, um, where do you wanna go?”

Connor smirked. “I know a place.”

“So,” Connor said, yellowed grass crunching under his feet as he walked in pace with Evan. “What do you think? It’s pretty lame but nobody tells me I can’t smoke here-”

Evan met Connor’s eyes. “It’s… Really beautiful.”

The park was old, a small patch of land filled with overgrown dead grass and trees that were slowly losing both colour and leaves. Almost everything about it screamed Connor, from the swing set that looked like a bucket of black paint had been carelessly dumped on it to the leftover ends of what Evan assumed was a joint. The rain had stopped, but the occasional drop still fell from the leaves of the trees. It was beautiful, hauntingly beautiful in the way that Evan almost felt like he was intruding into a space made just for his new friend.

Connor blushed and looked down, and Evan realised he had probably been staring.

“S-so, um… What do you do for, um, for fun?” He cringed at how dumb that probably sounded.

“I get high if that counts,” Connor said after a second of thought. “Although, it probably doesn’t count if I’m just doing it to ignore everything. What about you?”

“Oh, um…” Don’t overshare. “I like to climb trees and read facts about them, and take care of my plants, and read- and read.” The letters -which hadn’t arrived for the past 3 days- were the only thing he read but at that point, it felt like a hobby or a job.

“I read sometimes too. What do you read, other than tree books?” Connor wiped off the water the best he could and sat on the rusted merry-go-round.

“Just, um, um, letters, like, um, his-historical letters.” Evan realized his face was burning hot.

Connor analyzed him, squinting at his friend as if he were a puzzle at that moment. “That's… Cool.”

There was a silence in which Evan tried to unstick his foot from the roof of his mouth, broken only by the sound of Connor’s phone. He sighed, flipping it open.

“Hello?” He rolled his eyes.

Evan heard a higher pitched voice- most likely Cynthia’s. It sounded worried, but scolding at the same time. Connor’s grip on the side of the merry-go-round tightened.

“Whatever.” He hung up, turning to his friend. “We have to go. Looks like I’ve exceeded my 2 hours of freedom, and now my lovely parents are probably thinking I snuck away to get high or try to off myself.” His tone was apologetic, in an angry this-isn’t-my-fault way.

Evan nodded, getting up and following his friend towards the exit.

Chapter Text

Connor was obviously pissed off, his steps crunching the leaves as he walked back out towards Evan’s house. Evan said nothing, following five steps behind and wondering how in the world he was supposed to help this. He couldn’t fix Connor’s situation, or make Connor want to kill himself less. He couldn’t just fix Connor’s problems.

Instead, he settled for the most awkward hug, randomly turning to his friend as they stood on his damp porch. He pulled his friend into his arms, lingering for 5 of the longest seconds at his rigid friend’s shoulder.

Connor’s face was an intense shade of red when they pulled away. He hesitated for a minute. “I. have to go.” Turning on his heel, he was down the sidewalk within seconds. Evan regretted his decision. He stepped into his house as red as the slowly changing leaves, but noticed his friend had left his jacket.

Outside, the downpour of rain was getting worse. So, Evan got into his car, and decided to go Connor hunting.

Evan hadn’t known that a teenage boy could cover so much distance in such a short time. But by the time he found Connor, he was rounding the street corner. He rolled down his window- trying to avoid the water.

“Connor?”  He yelled.

His friend looked up, cheeks grazed with a slight pink. The blank expression that had been on Connor’s face turned into one of seeming anger, and the fact that his friend stormed into his own house made Evan wonder what he had done in the last twelve minutes to evoke his rage.

Despite her son’s mood, Cynthia smiled brightly at Evan from the porch. As she approached he pulled into their driveway with a wave. “H-Hi Mrs. Murphy.”

“Evan! Hey! If I had known Connor was with you I wouldn’t have interrupted your visit. How are you?”

Evan doubted the first part of her sentence. “I’m, um, I’m okay. Been working on homework but, um, yeah. Good.”

She smiled. “That’s great to hear. I’m almost done with dinner, would you like to stay? It’s organic lasagna.”  

Well, shit. On one hand, Evan would feel rude if he didn’t stay, and he didn’t know how Connor would react if he decided to leave him while he was mad. On the other hand, Connor was mad at him, and he didn’t know if Connor would even want him to stay.

“Uh, sure.” He sighed, pulling at the ends of his shirt. “If-If you don't mind, I could, um, I could totally go h-"

“I insist!” Cynthia smiled. “Would you mind going and getting Connor and Zoe? Larry should be home any minute now.”

He nodded, turning and walking up the stairs.

The contrast between Connor and Zoe’s doors were obvious. Zoe had flowers and pink, and a sign with her name in capital letters in between marks that looked as if someone had tried to stab through the door with a pocket knife. Connor’s simply had a sign that read NO TRESPASSING .  He decided to get Zoe first, hesitantly knocking.

The door opened to Alana Beck. “Oh, Evan. Hi. I've been here,um, just dropping off Zoe's stuff! She's been out, you know. Yeah.” There was a pause. She turned back to where Zoe was on her bed. “Zoe, I think your mom sent Evan to get you. I'll be going. Hope you feel better!” Alana rushed past Evan without speaking any more, and Zoe moved to get up,  taking the rag off from over her eyes.

Now, time to get Connor. Evan nervously stood outside the door, hesitating. Did he knock? Open the door? What if Connor was changing? Or worse?

Evan raised his hand to knock, realising that the sounds downstairs meant Larry was home. The door opened as he moved, and his fist tapped lightly against Connor’s chest.

“Oh- uh,um, sorry.”

Connor tilted his head. “you're still here?” He asked bluntly.

“Oh,” Evan blushed. “Y-yeah, I just, um, I- Your mom asked me to stay for dinner but if you don't want that I can, I can just tell her my mom said that I c-can't just-"

“Evan. It's fine. Just don’t say I didn't warn you, this is gonna be another pile of absolute shit.” Connor shrugged. “If you want to take your jacket off, leave it on my bed.” He passed Evan, descending the stairs before Evan could answer.

The dinner was quiet, the clunking of forks and plates making Evan jumpy.

“The, um, the lasagna is l-lovely?” He grimaced at the way it sounded like a question.  

“You don't have to lie.” Zoe rolled her eyes.

“Zoe!” Cynthia glared. “Thank you Evan, it's lovely to have you back.”

Evan would have believed that if it weren't for the fact that Larry was glaring at him every chance he got. He looked over at Connor, who seemed to have not eaten anything.

Compared to the other two dinners, this one went by fairly quickly. After a -denied- offer to Cynthia to wash dishes, he followed Connor upstairs.

“Aren't they lovely?” Connor asked with an eyeroll, relaxing on his bed.

“Y-yeah I um, I'm so-" Evan was interrupted by his phone ringing. “Hel-Hello?”

A groan from the other end. “You're a prick, you know that?”

He looked to Connor confusedly. “Jared?”

“Who the fuck else would it be?Oh-Oh yeah .  Your fucking- Your fucking boyfriend?”

“... Are you drunk?”

“As a duck.” Jared slurred.

“Where- Where are you?” Connor rolled his eyes, grabbing his keys.

“You know that place we used to go? With the nice candy at Halloween?”

Evan thought, getting up. “Are you at a church?”

“Irony.” Connor chimed,  grabbing his jacket from the closet.

Evan didn't get an answer. He sighed, worry striking him. “I'll be there in-in ten.”

Chapter Text

They got to the church in record time despite Evan stammering directions and almost getting them lost at one point. It was an old-fashioned, steeple and bell church that Evan had only been inside once, on the same Halloween that Jared had mentioned. It was old, white turned beige walls with some kind of plant growing up one side and beautiful flowers slowly dying due to the crisp weather.

They were so distracted at watching the church and its beauty that they almost didn’t notice Jared standing in the road. Connor slammed on the breaks with a screech almost as high pitched as the breaks themselves, and gave a laughing Evan a look that said that the sound stayed between them while trying not to smile himself.

Jared stood in front of the car with a bottle of vodka in his hand.

“Shoulda kept drivin’.” He remarked as Evan got out. The shortened words were something that drunk Jared always did, as he once remarked that it ‘made him sound gansta’.

It did not.

Evan sighed. He had dealt with drunk Jared before, and it was almost always unnerving to do so. “Just- Just get in the c-car, Jared.”

“Annnd what if I don’t wanna?”

Connor rolled his window down. “Hey, I’m gonna park real quick.” He rolled his eyes as Jared flipped him off.

“So- you brough’ ya date? Classy. It’s like a fucked up episode of sistah wives.” Jared giggled.

Evan tried not to laugh, worried at how Jared might escalate if he were that drunk. “Get- Get in the car.”

“No.” Jared sat in the middle of the road.

Across the street, a cop car was parked. The cop shuffled, and Evan shivered. Connor tapped the horn.

Jared did not like this. “Come out here and fight me like a man!” He screamed at Connor’s rolled up window.

“Jared, please. You- you can’t fight and you’re about to g-get arrested.” Evan eyed the cop.

After a bit more coaxing, he got -a complaining and crying- Jared into the car. “He should play some Beyonce!”

Connor turned to look at Evan. “You could probably strap him in and sit back up here.”  

Just then, Jared wrapped his arms around Evan. He looked between the two. “I, um, I don’t think that’s an option any-anymore.”

Connor nodded, starting the car.

It was an even longer drive to Jared’s, and for a minute Evan wondered how in the world Jared had gotten there without driving- his car was in his driveway. He decided to ask as he lead Jared through his empty house.

“Um, J-Jared? How did you even- How did you even get to the church?”

Jared giggled. “I paid someone.”

“... A friend?”

Jared shook his head, laughing more. Evan had way too many questions for when Jared was finally sober.

He laid Jared in bed with Connor’s help, taking off his friend’s glasses and laying them on his bedside with a bottle of water and a sticky note explaining.

As they shut the door behind them, Jared’s snores could be heard through the door.

Connor was pretty quiet on the way back, the clock reading 10 PM. After a little while, he spoke.

“So… Are you two, like, a thing?” Evan got the feeling he was trying to act uninterested.

He almost laughed. “Uh, Um. No.” A silence. “We… It’s um, it’s weird. He’s supposed to be my- my friend, but then he makes me f-feel like he hates me and then suddenly when I- Suddenly when I make friends with you he needs me again and I feel like it’s just because he thinks that I’m gonna um, leave him or something, which is-” He realised that he was talking faster than usual. “That’s really dumb because we’ve been friends- or family friends- since we were really, um, really little.”

Connor nodded. “Ah.” He chuckled. “So he has a crush on you .”

Evan sputtered. “N-no!” His voice was higher pitched than it had been in middle school. “He just- he um- he…” He trailed off. “Oh.”

Connor was laughing, and although Evan felt as red as a cherry he couldn’t help but laugh too. “I mean, it’s pretty obvious. Even I’m not that obv-”  He paused before getting louder. “Even I’m not that blind.” He paused. “I mean, you are pretty oblivious.”

Evan felt a little hurt but ignored it. Connor was right, after all.

He looked over to the brunet, noticing the slight curl of his hair and the way the streetlights reflected in his eyes. His cheeks were tinted red, from laughter or something else Evan didn’t know. He almost wanted to take a picture right there, to freeze the moment and how… pretty it was.

Connor looked over, turning a bit redder before looking back at the road. He cleared his throat.  “What are you looking at?”

Evan turned away, also blushing. “Oh, um, nothing.”

He tried to believe that his anxiety was the only reason his heart sped up.

Connor dropped him off at home without much more than a wave. He stepped into the house, taking off his coat as he went. His stomach growled, and he rummaged in the freezer for some pizza rolls. When he turned around, he dropped his plate.

There was a letter on the table.

Chapter Text

Evan didn’t want to open it.

He couldn’t, could he? With the amount of time his future self had waited… It couldn’t be good. He sat at the table and stared, flipping it over and over again in his hands. It had been two weeks without a letter, without any sign that his future self was even alive. Was he happy? Who was he with?

He sighed. It would only get worse if he kept waiting. Ripping open the envelope, he took out the frantically typed letter.

Dear Evan Hansen,

I’m really sorry for putting this off. But you need to start listening to me, as your last hope. Please.

You did well while I was gone, but you need to fix things with Jared. He’s… Important in the future. I know you know.

He’s not speaking to me right now. He’s moved out. The only way I know he’s okay is I still get bank charges from his favorite diner every morning.

How do I put this nicely? Okay look, it’s not like I wanna be married to him (yes, we’re an asshole.) but… He IS my closest friend.  

You can decide how much you wanna work to save the friendship. I know he wasn’t nice to us in high school and made us feel like we didn’t matter. But when he was our husband? He was the most caring person I had.

So, that being said. FOLLOW THE FUCKING LIST.

He sighed, nodding to himself.

• Tomorrow is Monday, meaning that you should probably go to the meeting after school. Alana will ask you about that and you should seem enthusiastic. Promise her you’ll make Connor go, it’ll make her trust you.

• Bring some kind of medicine, Jared will have a wicked hangover and he always forgets medicine.

• Make Jared eat lunch with Connor and you. It’ll be awkward. Deal with it.

• Please, spend as much time with both Jared AND Connor. I’ve done all I can to save him, but… Just do it.

I’ll send a letter sooner rather than waiting again.

Sincerely, me

Evan set the letter down, a feeling of… He couldn’t describe the feeling in his chest. It was heavy, and it was mixed in with sorrow and finality. It felt bittersweet. After he read the letter it felt as if he sat there, staring at his kitchen table, for hours.

He fell asleep without changing, falling on his bed the way he only did his worst days.

He wanted to stay out of school, but the fact that he had missed the day before meant that that would be almost impossible without his mom being worried. When he woke up, he had a text from Connor.

From: Connor

R u coming today or r we skipping again

He blushed and chuckled at the phone, especially Connor’s use of ‘we’. He got ready for school, stopping to reply to the text.

To: Connor

I’ll bbe ther

Almost as soon as the words sent crossed his screen, there was a honk from outside. He opened the door to see Jared’s minivan. Jared, who barely gave him rides unless he wanted something, sat in the front seat looking as if he wanted to stab anything and everything. Great.

“Good morning, uh, good morning Jared.” Evan mumbled as he got in.

Jared mumbled back.

The ride was short, but Evan couldn’t help but notice that 1. Jared still smelled like alcohol and 2. Jared looked as if he hadn’t showered.

“I, um, I have some ibuprofen in my bag if you-”

“Yes.”

Connor was waiting at Evan’s locker when he got there.

“Sup.” Connor sighed, closing his eyes and leaning against the lockers.

Evan nodded back, opening his locker.

It was quiet. Then Jared showed up, because his locker just had to be beside Evan’s. He looked between the two and sighed tiredly. Connor seemed to tense as if wanting to start something.

“I’ll get my stuff later.” His face was heating up.

“Okay ass-” Evan winced, interrupting Connor before a fight broke out.

“No, Jared, uh. We’ll go. I, um, I have all I need.” Evan walked, knowing that Connor would follow behind him.

Jared looked kind of shocked but nodded. “‘Kay.”

“What was that ?”

“He wasn’t, wasn’t bothering anyone.” Evan sighed.

“We picked his drunk ass off the side of the road. Dude has problems, but that doesn’t mean I have to-”

“You have to what , Connor? Not be a dick to my friend?” God, why was everyone acting so weird?

“Friend?” Connor scoffed. “He treats you like shit but acts like he wants to be more. He needs to make up his fucking mind over if he wants you or not so I can know if you-” He paused. “Forget it. Whatever. I’ll see you in class.”

Evan squinted at Connor as he walked away.

Future Evan put his head in his hands. Jealousy? Really? Not only did he have to deal with saving a dead kid’s life, but now the dead kid was jealous.

The voice of reason in his head told him the obvious, that in at least one timeline he did marry Jared, so Connor was kind of right to be jealous. The other voice in his head wondered how the fuck he got the “freak” Connor Murphy to have a dumb crush on him.

He had too many voices going on. And he wasn’t even the one who was currently in the psychiatric ward of the hospital he was currently in.

“H-hey…” He stood at the door.

Zoe looked up from her bed, a place that even in the short time she had been there already had her favorite pillowcase. She gave a semi-crooked smile, motioning him in. “Hey, stranger.”

“How, um, how are you?” He set the flowers-her favorite lilies- in the vase by the window, and trashed the others.

“Well, I’m in the hospital for a mental breakdown that you and I both know the cause of, my older brother that we keep trying to save seems pretty destined to die, and the only condolence I get is in the form of the letters I wrote a week ago to my teenage self. And nobody seems quite ecstatic to fix anything.” She sighed, “In other words, I’m fine.”

“Zoe, I’m, um. I’m so sorry…”

“You’re trying to save him.” It wasn’t a question or an answer. It seemed more like some kind of assignment.

Evan nodded.

“Your heart's in the right place.” Zoe shrugged. “And the worst that seems to be happening is to you.”

The end of the day came both faster and slower than Evan was expecting. He had seen both Jared and Connor throughout the day, but they seemed to be ignoring him.

They had more in common than they thought, considering they were both stubborn as hell.

Evan caught up to Connor while he was walking home, as he was still grounded from driving and Zoe had stayed out of school again.

“Connor, I-”

“Go home.”

“I, um, I just wanna- I just wanna talk, okay? I don’t know what I did exactly but you’re kind of my best friend-”

Connor snorted. “Not in the mood today, Evan. Go home.”

“You know what?” Evan sighed, stopping short on the sidewalk. “I- I give up. Call me when you, um, when you wanna talk.”

When he turned around, he thought he saw Connor stop out of the corner of his eye.

“Evan.”

He kept walking.

“Evan.”

He was almost around the corner, heavy footfalls behind him.

“Evan.”

He turned around, looking Connor angrily in the eyes. “What do you need-” Connor’s lips stopped him.

There was a silence between them after they broke off, both seemingly trying to figure out what happened.

“C-Connor, I-”

Connor stepped off without another word, leaving Evan on the sidewalk in shock.

Chapter Text

Evan showed up at Jared’s house still panicking, his friend hesitantly helping him in after seeing his state.

“Dude, just tell me what-”

“Parents?” Evan stuttered out, fearing embarrassment or that they would call his mom. That was one of the last things he needed right now.

“What? They’re at dinner.” He guided Evan to sit on the couch. “Evan, I can’t do anything unless you breathe, asshole.”He rolled his eyes, a hint of worry in his voice.

Evan continued his hyperventilation, following Jared’s own purposely exaggerated breaths to try to sync his own. “It’s- It’s Connor…” He paused. “ Something happened, and, I, um-”

“Is he okay?” Evan nodded. “Okay, so I need to call and threaten him, got it-”

“No!” Evan exclaimed. He was slightly lightheaded, but it helped that the meds he had taken were finally doing their job. “He, um, he didn’t like- it wasn’t bad or- he kissed me.” The words flooded out.

Jared stared at him silently, tilting his head with an unidentifiable expression.

“So, let me get this straight,” He sighed. “You came to my house, hyperventilating.” Evan nodded along. “You’re panicking, and I support you despite the fact that you barely talk to me and just use me for rides to school-”

“I don’t-”

“And then,” Jared held up a finger to silence Evan, the latter of which looked down and focused on Jared’s alien pajamas. He vaguely remembered Heidi taking him to buy them for a birthday one year. “You decide to tell me that the reason you’re hyperventilating is just that you didn’t know how to react when my replacement kissed you?”

Oh boy. “Jared it’s- it’s not that- I didn’t mean-”

“Evan.” Jared pinched the bridge of his nose, getting up. “Just um, let yourself out. I’m too tired for this bullshit today.” Before Evan could muster anything to say to deny it- could he deny it?- Jared was upstairs and had slammed his bedroom door. Within a minute he heard the other boy blasting a band he couldn’t name from the top of his head, but knew that they had listened to them since middle school.

Evan looked up after Jared full of remorse but without a way to fix it. He sighed, getting up and letting himself out.

When Evan woke up the next morning, he dreaded what the day would most likely have in store for him. With Jared and Connor ignoring him, there was almost no chance of having a stable day. He opened the morning’s letter hoping that maybe, just maybe, it had some kind of good news.

Dear Evan Hansen,

You might be expecting news, something good or something bad as a result of your shitty actions.

I can’t tell you shit. Although I imagine Evan- future you- has already given you a whole lotta bullshit.

Why did I write this? Why did I decide ‘hey, I’m gonna write to my past husband-ex husband- whatever you are anymore- just to make sure he doesn’t mess up anymore’?

Anyway,

• This is Jared, if you haven’t realised

• I’m currently not speaking to you in both the future AND the past

• You need to stop

Basically, what I’m trying to say is: Don’t alienate me. I know I’ve been an asshole to you. But right now you’re being an asshole worse than the future [REDACTED]. You’re breaking past me’s heart, you’re breaking future me’s heart, bad shit is happening in the world, and while future Evan tries to conserve your feelings, I won’t.

Sincerely,

The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman.

Evan sighed. Great.

There was a precise knock on the door, confusing Evan. He didn’t have to leave for at least another 20 minutes, and he probably didn’t even have a ride. Nonetheless, he got up and opened the door, still holding half of a granola bar.

It was- surprisingly- Alana Beck.

“Alana? What-” He felt guilty, knowing that he had been told by future him to keep with the support group, but with all the Connor stuff and the letters he just didn’t have time.

“Letters. You’re getting them too. I told me.” Alana looked stressed, as if she hadn’t slept. “Zoe keeps freaking out, and isolating herself, and- I think we made a mistake somewhere. Not we, but us. Future us. We have to fix it.”

Evan’s mind was sent into a whirlwind. “What? You think there’s something wrong?” He asked, all high pitched and nasally like he got when he was trying desperately to act normal. “Alana, I- I don’t know what you’re talking about-”

“I was warned that you wouldn’t want to admit it.” She sighed. “Look, Evan, I don’t know why all of this is happening, and I feel so bad for starting this, but we have to figure out why this is effecting Zoe so bad, and why the universe can’t seem to let Connor go, and why in millions of universes ours had to be the one that fucked up so badly- only funny story, every time we save him we reroute into an alternate- nevermind.”

Evan paused, trying to steady his thoughts. “Why-why is this so important right now ? Couldn’t this wait til the end of the day?”

“No.” Alana sighed, a grim expression painting her face. “It can’t wait, because I made the first prototype today. And it’s a week earlier than it was supposed to be.

“What- What does this all mean, Alana?” He looked her up and down. Her hands were shaking, and she was frantically writing on a notepad she had in her hand. The glimpses he caught of it showed math he didn't understand, and diagrams he didn’t want to ask about. “Alternate universes? Do those even exist? This is-”

“Evan,” Alana sighed. “Stop trying to save Connor, please. Future me says that's where it all started.” Her phone rang and she instantly shut it off, a sad look on her face. “As predicted. I have to go.”

Alana was gone as soon as she had arrived, and Evan stepped into his home, collapsing on the couch. He texted his mom asking for another sick day, knowing that she would worry at the amount of times he had asked that in the last month - How do you explain to a woman who works every hour she can about your interdimensional crisis? - He curled into a fetal position, his phone vibrating beside him. He was ruining everything, wasn’t he? First Jared, then Connor, Zoe, Alana… He couldn’t breathe at the thought of all that he had fucked up.

There was a knock on the door for the second time in one morning, and he got up as if his mind wasn’t a mass of thoughts. Connor stood at the door. “Did someone call a taxi- Are you crying?”

Evan jumped. “No-No! I’m… Not crying.” He quickly tried to make himself calm, despite his mind trying even harder to bring up the fact that Connor probably thought he was a baby for crying.

“Evan, calm down.” Connor stepped forward, a hand out, but then shook his head. “Fuck, I hate when people say that. Just sit down. You’re gonna be okay.” Connor ran a hand through his hair. “I’m too high for this.”

“I’m sorry- I’m really sorry.” Evan sat down. “You’re mad at me- I- I don’t even- You don’t have to-”

“Evan.” He sighed. “Breathe. Breathe with me.”

“I need my- my medicine.”

Connor was in his room and back in a flash. Evan didn’t wanna know how Connor had found the orange bottle in less than 30 seconds, considering Evan had forgotten to take it out of his bag. He handed them, opened, to Evan.

Evan took the pills dry. “Thank you…” He followed Connor’s over exaggerated breathing for ten minutes. “Connor…”

Connor was almost so quiet that Evan thought he was asleep. “There you are.” He snorted.

“...What?”

“That voice. Like you’re afraid of saying something that's going to upset them.” Connor stated simply, “We’ve gone to the same school for forever, Evan.”

“We should talk about the kiss-”

“Or we can always ignore that it ever happened.” Connor’s cheeks were red.

“ Connor , if you- I want to-” Evan paused. “Connor, do you have- do you have feelings for me?”

Connor was quiet, until he finally put his head in his hands. “Yeah. I guess, just- whatever. I get it.”

Evan laughed. “Well Jared tried- Jared was so pissed at- at me because I ‘replaced’ him, and- and-”

Connor looked up. “Look, you don’t have to, like, laugh at me. I get it.”

“Connor, no. I um- I like you too.” Evan admitted quietly, saying it for the first time out loud.

“I’ve been a prick because I’ve been jealous.” Connor admitted with a stifled laugh. “I was mad because at least fucking Jared could share his dumb fuck feelings.”

Evan smiled. It was quiet for a beat, as they collected their thoughts.

“So, not to be stereotypical, but what the hell do we do now?” Connor asked.

“I don’t- don’t know, honestly…” Evan paused. “I, um, I don’t know how to um- how to like someone… So slowly?”

Connor nodded. “Well, skipping together is a great start.”

Chapter Text

In the yellow field again, Evan sat cross-legged across from Connor, who was smoking a joint as usual. He caught Evan’s eye, and held up the joint, eyebrows raised. 

“Oh! Oh- uh- no, thanks…” He looked away and briefly wondered if Connor would judge him for not partaking. But the Brunet took another small puff, shrugging as if to say “suit yourself”. 

It was quiet, but the birds were chirping and the sun was bright. Evan thought that maybe, if he stayed long enough, he could find peace here. Maybe one day. 

Connor's phone rang in his pocket. He sat back, letting it ring as he stared across the field. “Lovely day.” He said, ashing the joint on a tree and slipping it into his cigarette box. 

“Was that y-uh-your mom?” 

“Probably,” he said flippantly. “You want to be the one to text her? She’d love to hear from you more than me.” 

Evan didn’t know how to reply. “Uh, C- I don’t-” 

“No, you’re fine. I was… Being a dick. Meant it more for them than you.” A beat. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s… Fine.” 

“No it’s not.” 

They let it hang in the air, and Evan felt the pink on his cheeks intensify as he went through every way he could’ve made that interaction better. He could almost laugh at the thought that even his future self was still always thinking about how he could’ve done better. So much for therapy. 

Does it ever work? Will it ever work?

He took a sip of water, trying to cool down from both the soft heat of approaching autumn and his own swirling thoughts. 

Connor threw a stick about 5 feet into the field, watching it fly across the dead grass.“Do you ever think about the future?”  

Evan spat out his water. “What?” It came out high pitched and almost panicked. Could Connor read minds now? Clearing his throat, he straightened. “Uh-um- yeah… Sometimes. Us-Usually it’s more of a… Spiral?” He offered. When Connor just gave a short laugh and a nod, he looked over at him. “...Do you?” 

Raking his fingers through his tangled hair, he finally met Evan’s eyes. “Sometimes.” 

It’s quiet, and they just stare at each other for a couple of seconds. Connor coughs, and looks away with a pink tink to his cheeks. The sun glints in his eyes in a way that is almost perfect and he squints, shielding it with his hand. It’s kind of cute, Evan thinks. “I didn’t, for a while. But if I’m trying to stick around… Well, uh, if I’m trying to stay I want it to mean something. I’m almost out of school, and I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing.” 

“I don’t know e-either… If that makes you feel better.” Evan said. “We could… Have you thought about college?” 

Connor actually laughed at that. “College? Evan, just because you have sympathy for me doesn’t mean that my grades do. And the college boards sure won't.” 

“You could still try. I uh, I remember in school you used to write really good essays-” 

“Yeah. Sure. Essays.” 

Connor’s mood was souring. It was on a whim that Evan leaned over and grasped his hand, feeling like a baby deer finding its feet. “We can write them together, uh, at the- at the library.” He promised softly. “That is, if we-uh-if we actually start going to school again.” 

Connor leaned in, still frowning a bit. But his face was missing the usual hardness to it, like he was really thinking about it. Like the thought helped, even just a little bit. “I’ll… I’ll think about it.“ 

It wasn’t much, but it was something to hope for. But Evan could barely think about that, Connor’s face was so close to his. He saw his face reflected in Connor’s pupils, dusted pink with the feelings that felt like they were overwhelming him. He smelled of cigarettes, and weed, and the mints he kept tucked in his pocket. 

He leaned in. Connor leaned in, tilting his head- 

Connor’s phone rang from inside his pocket. He leaned away, closing his eyes and thunking his head against the tree. “Fucking mom.” He whipped it out, and put his phone on speaker. “Yes ma’am?” He said in an agitated tone, but less so than it usually was. 

“Connor Murphy, I got another call from the school-” 

“I’m with Evan, he’s not feeling well today. Say hi, Evan!” He lied easily, thrusting his phone towards Evan who still sat shellshocked. 

“Oh-uh-um-uh- Hi, Mrs.Murphy…” He fidgeted with his shirt. 

Cynthia instantly softened. “Oh hi Evan! How are you doing, honey? I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, you know I heard online about this root that helps with…” 

As Cynthia rambled on, Connor and Evan looked at each other. The lopsided–almost sheepish– grin that Connor had on almost blew him away. It was easygoing, but shy in the best way. It hit Evan then- the thought that Connor didn’t regret almost kissing him. 

– In the future– 

The memories loaded into his mind in a weird way. He’d be sitting there, anxiously wondering about the letter he had sent, and then all of the sudden he’d remember that day. The memories didn’t always last, the same way that the rest of his memories from high school were fleeting. But the memory of almost kissing Connor was loud and clear, like a memory from childhood where everything was… perfect.

He sat across from Connor’s grave, thinking about how his life had become a twisted cacophony of the past he already knew existed and the past that unraveled in his mind. He knew that one of them no longer existed, and he thought that he was changing everything for the better. He really did.

It was later than the usual time he visited, the beginning stirrings of the crickets and the frogs starting up from the small bushes around the graveyard. 

His phone beeped with a text from Jared. 

Jared: I msis yuo 

Jared: I dont wnat to

Evan sighed, a pang of worry hitting him. A sad Jared was already upsetting to think about … A drunk Jared? Concerning. He could see dimly in his memories that the Jared of this new altered timeline had gotten sober fully five years ago. The memories that were closer in time were easier, but some of them were… Cloudy. Jared wasn’t the only one who couldn’t see their wedding, or much else before that in their courting process. It was hard to see it, and he briefly wondered if it should be causing him more anguish than worry. He loved Jared, he really did, and he wished more than anything that he could’ve loved Jared the way that Jared loved him. 

Evan: Are you drinking ?

Jared: I geuus I know hwo to get yuor attentin now. 

He considered not texting back. Was he making it worse? 

Evan: I still worry about you. 

Jared: Sure you do 

Evan: Where are ayou? 

Jared: Nonya

Jared was infuriating sometimes. 

Evan: I’m serious. Let me pick you up

Jared: S we cn fihgt mor e?

Evan: No? Maybe? Just send the address, Jared

Jared sent the address, and Evan sighed with both relief and exasperation. 

He walked away from the grave. 

Connor L. Murphy 

Beloved son, brother, and friend

January 5, 2000- April 17, 2018

-In the future still, at a dimly lit bar-

Jared sat nursing his latest Long Island iced tea. He had a small plastic cup of cherries beside him, and fiddled with the stems he’d already removed. The din of the bar guests around him sounded like waves crashing in his ears. The world had a strange hue to it, and he tried to think of anything around him except for the mess that his life had become. 

A guy walked up and sat beside him. “Hey-”

“I’m married.” 

The guy sat there for a moment squinting at him, and then nodded. He got up and went back to a bunch of his friends, who gave him consolatory pats on the back. 

He drained the rest of his Long Island. 

He could write another letter. Tell Jared to forget about Evan Hansen, to move on and see what better things he could do with his life. To love someone who has the capacity to love him back. 

But what if this is as good as it gets? 

What if Evan- this Evan, his Evan, is all he deserves? 

“Jared?” 

Oh. Speak of the devil. Looking up at Evan, he tried to reconcile the Evan he knew then with the Evan he may have never truly known. “Look who’s here.” He slurred flatly.

“Jared-” Evan repeated, eyebrows flattening. 

“Let’s go then,” He nearly fell off of his bar stool. Evan reached out a steadying hand and he waved at it to swat it away. “Fuckoff.” 

Evan, keeping his hands to himself, nodded. He signed the receipt the bartender gave him, thanking him. With his hands in his pockets, he walked slightly ahead of Jared’s stride to his shiny new car. Jared had gotten it for him after they’d gone back and forth about it for months. He scoffed at the formerly happy memory, no longer as soft knowing all that he knows now. 

It was awkward, having Evan help him into the car. He forced him to wear a seat belt, and Jared almost teared up at the thought that Evan always reminded him to wear it. How much of it was real? 

The drive was silent. The radio played old midwest emo music from a forgotten CD at the lowest volume possible to still hear. It smelled like lavender Febreeze. It was all so Evan that it felt like it was tearing a hole straight through him. He felt like- oh no. 

“Pullover-” He slurred, leaning forward with a gasp. Evan found a spot quickly, and Jared leaned out of the side of the car to throw up on the faintly lit side of the highway. He felt himself finally released from the seat belt, almost falling out of the car as his head spun. 

Evan gently set a cold bottle of water in his lap. Groaning, he put it to the back of his neck while he weakly spit the rest of his stomach's contents up. Ah, yeah. This was the part of drinking that made him stop. 

The lights in the car came on, and the soft crunch of shoes on the gravel made him fold in on himself. “Go away.” 

“I-I can…” Evan started, crouching on a clean part of the road. “But I know you, uh, hate this part.” 

He scoffed. “Doesn’t-” He stopped as he gagged a little. “Doesn’t everyone?” 

Evan chuckled a little. “Yeah but.. Didn’t you once ask me to stab you with a- um, what was it… A letter opener?” 

“Don’t laugh at me.” Jared grumbled, opening the water bottle and taking a long sip. 

“Okay.” 

It was quiet except for the occasional plastic crunch of the bottle and the few cars that drove past at this time of the night. 

“Did any of it actually mean anything?” Jared finally said, sounding a bit more sober. There was still just enough of a buzz left in him to loosen up the words in his throat. 

“...What?”

“Don’t play stupid. The marriage. Dating. Hell, even being friends. Did it mean a god damn thing to you?” 

“Jared,” Evan started, “Of course it meant something. Y-You mean something.” 

“But I didn’t mean enough, apparently.” He leaned against the side of the passenger seat, muttering. “Some fucking consolation prize.” 

“It wasn’t a consolation prize, Jared.”

“Then what was it? A sick joke?”

“I loved you. I did. I just…”

“Didn’t love me enough to not fuck up our lives?” 

Evan sighed, running his hands in his short hair. Jared noticed with a slight sick satisfaction that he had the smallest bald patch starting at the back of his head. “I loved you, a lot. I just realized- I realized after a while that I didn’t love you the way you loved me.” 

Ouch. 

Narrowly avoiding the mess he had made, Jared got up out of the car, pacing. 

“Jared?” 

“Yes, please, Evan. Say something that will fix-” He gestured vaguely. “All of this.” 

“You were- You are my best friend.” 

Jared laughed almost mockingly. “Yes, because this is what best friends fucking do, Evan!” He yelled, almost crouching with the force of spitting the words. “They get married without actually loving you, after they pursued you- pursued this-” 

Evan was looking up at him with so much sadness. 

He was near hyperventilation. “You are not, and have never been my friend if you thought that any of that is what a best friend does. You fucking lied to me, Evan.” 

Evan nodded, looking down at the road with his tear-filled eyes. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” 

“That just fixes everything.” He was unsure how he got to his knees on the side of a highway. “Thanks, Evan.” 

The silence hung in the air– a thick fog, covering their bodies with a cold and damp regret. 

“Can I- Can I please take you home at least?” 

“Where is my home?” He sniffled. 

“I… I don’t know.” 

“It’s... It's the fucking hotel on windmill. Let’s just fucking go.”

Without another word, he got in the car and slammed the door closed.