Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s been two days since you’ve set foot on Earth C—since you beat the final bosses of the multiverse’s hardest game and got an entire fucking universe as your prize—and your incessantly spinning head is only just starting to slow down. Your anxiety has given way to a kind of static, as if you’re not quite awake. You finally let yourself exhale the breath you’ve been holding.

Jade’s been hard at work, plucking your houses from their Sburban planets and repositioning them on Earth C. You don’t completely remember the whole meeting about where they were going to go. The last few days have been a blur, honestly. You just remember standing around and playing cool while internally freaking out about how many new people were there, how all your friends were here in one place, finally…

The meteor, as great as it came to be, was artificial and claustrophobic. You needed to escape. Get some fresh air. Not be around so many people for a while.

You and Karkat are sitting on a hill, under the shade of an oak tree. In the distance, Jade expertly manipulates your houses. You can barely see her; she’s just a figure surrounded with green energy. The view of the valley below you is impressive.

Your phone buzzes. John is pestering you.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: hey dave, can i join you and karkat on the hill?
TG: sure

Karkat glances at your phone. “Who is it?”

“John. I told him he could come chill with us. That okay?”

Karkat’s expression is unreadable. “Sure. Why not. I don’t care.” You know he’s thinking about the last time the three of you had some time to yourselves to talk.

Just to annoy him, you punch him lightly on the shoulder. “Sure you’re not going to make it awkward?”

“Fuck off.”

“Still can’t believe you never told me you liked John. I mean, he’s my best bro and you’re my boyfriend.”

His face flushes dark grey. “I never liked him! Well—no—I never hated him. But I never liked him either. It was simply platonic enmity. Is that so hard to understand.”

“So you like him now.”

“Of course I like him now. Why would I dislike him.”

You laugh. “So we both liked John and we both liked Terezi and now we’re dating. Well. I only kinda liked Terezi. And I don’t really know what was up with you and her, really—”

Karkat cuts you off. His voice is too loud. “You liked John??”

Someone on the trail behind you trips and falls over with a thud. You jump up and spin around, mortified. John is on the ground ten feet away, his god tier pajamas covered in dust. He recovers, brushes himself off with help from an auspicious gust of wind, and puts on that cheery grin of his as if nothing happened. A sort of nervous chuckle erupts from your throat. Fuck.

“What the fuck was that noise,” says Karkat.

“Shut up.”

“Uhh…” John’s eyes pass between the two of you. “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but… can I talk with you, Dave?”

“What,” is the only thing you can say.

John squirms. “...Alone?”

Karkat glares at him. “Fine. I’ll go. I see how it is, Egbert.” He makes a big fuss of leaving, stomping down the trail and kicking up dust. John’s eyes follow him until he’s out of earshot. Your heart is beating a little faster than it should be.

“What’s up?” you ask quietly once Karkat is safely away.

John turns around, towards the view. He sits, and doesn’t speak for a couple moments. You sit next to him, careful to avoid his extraordinarily long hood, which you’re pretty sure he tripped on a second ago. You wonder how much of your conversation he heard.

“So!” John begins. “I was just wondering about that conversation we had on the frog platform, about sexuality. You had more stuff to say, right? Before Karkat interrupted us?”

You nod. Okay, this is something you can talk about. “Oh yeah. I… uh. I forgot what I was gonna say before. Did you have any questions?”

“Yeah. I just wanted to make sure I understood you correctly. Like….” He looks at you, his face pure curiosity. “Are you into boys now?”

The question hits you like a block of lead to the stomach. You shouldn’t be feeling like this. You’re completely comfortable with your sexuality. No, that’s a lie. You’re mostly comfortable with it. You can tell John. It’ll be okay. He won’t judge you. He’s a good person.

“Yeah,” you say, and the weight lifts from your chest, replaced by the skittish heartbeat of unnecessary anxiety. Okay. You're out. To your best friend, no less. That's one more hurdle you've jumped.

“Well,” you add, because John hasn't said anything (why hasn't he said anything), “I always was. Into boys that is. But yeah.”

“Wow!” says John, and his voice is so enthusiastic and supportive that you think you might just lose a little of your composure and let loose a smile. “I mean. That's cool and I support you, of course! I just never thought of you as. Uh. Being gay.”

You almost laugh. “No dude, you don't get it, I'm bi… I like boys and girls.”

“Oh! Cool.”

He's taken this so well (and why wouldn't he take it well?) that you keep going. “Also yeah. I'm uh, dating Karkat.”

John’s eyebrows shoot up. “You are??”

“Yeah,” you reply. “Uh. Yeah.”

“Wow,” he repeats. “What happened to his whole shipping chart? I thought he didn't like interspecies relationships?”

“Well, he’s changed.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

There’s a pause. A slight breeze blows through your hair. Must be John, unconsciously evoking his windy powers. He stares out into the valley below, eyes not really focusing on anything in particular.

“So,” you begin, because your mind is starting to wander to places like wow, John is pretty cute, isn’t he and that’s not something you want to think about, “did you have anything else you wanted to ask me, or…?”

John blinks. “No… just wanted to check in… yeah….”

He doesn’t leave. You wait for him to say more.

Finally, he looks at you, a sort of apologetic smile on his face. “Actually I was… um. Wondering if I could get some advice. About… sexuality and things.”

Your heartbeat quickens. “Oh?”

“Mmm.” He shifts uncomfortably. “So when Karkat told me he liked me—I mean like, hate liked me, hated me, whatever, you know how it is—I told him I wasn’t a homosexual because I had never liked any boys before—”

You snort. “Dude. You’ve gotta stop using that word, it’s so weird.”

“Sorry! Sorry. But that’s what I told him.” He’s not looking at you anymore; he’s focusing intensely on the tail of his hood. “But, I thought about it… and, well….”

Oh my god, he doesn’t like you , does he? No, of course he doesn’t, get a grip on yourself, Strider. You try to pretend you haven’t gotten a whole lot more interested in the conversation, and, as always, succeed.

John continues, speaking faster than normal. “...I’ve never liked a girl in that way either? Does that make me gay or what??”

“Look. Dude.” You put a hand on his shoulder (as if that isn’t the gayest thing you could possibly do) and he finally looks up at you. “Just because I’m bi doesn’t mean I’m suddenly the authority on all things queer. Like honestly, you’d probably be better off asking Rose about this or something.”

You take away your hand, and he watches it for a second before his eyes finally drift back up to your face. “Oh. Okay.”

“Maybe you just like… have to find the right girl or guy or whatever. Or maybe you’re just not into romance. And that’s cool too.” You shrug. “I dunno what you want from me here; I think that’s a pretty reasonable assumption to make, right.”

“What is?”

“Well, your lack of attraction could mean any number of things.”

“Okay….” John sighs. “I don’t know! It just feels like you and Karkat and everyone else have all this sexuality stuff all figured out, and then I’m just here, never really having thought about it before like, yesterday.”

“Bro, if you think I have everything about my sexuality figured out, I’ve got some news for you.”

“Oh… I… yeah, that makes sense.”

You turn back towards the view, waiting for John to say something. You can feel his eyes on you. For some reason that makes you a little bit nervous.

“Uh. Also.” John clears his throat awkwardly. “I couldn’t help but hear you and Karkat talking a little while I was coming up?”

You freeze. Shit. Shit.

“I mean, I might’ve just heard you wrong, but…” He swallows. “You… liked me? Like in a romantic way?”

You turn towards him, masking your inner turmoil with a calm face and a hopefully-smooth smile. “John. Whatever I’ve felt about you in the past, I’m just going to quote the ever-relevant Karkat Vantas and say that I’m ‘completely over it’ and ‘it’s not a big deal anymore.’”

“Uhhh….” John’s eyebrows are raised, and his voice is higher than usual. “That sure sounds like you might’ve liked me, Dave!” You’re about to sputter out a reply when he laughs. “But I won’t press you about it if you don’t want me to. I just think it would be really funny if both you and Karkat had crushes on me, and then fell for each other instead!”

“Ha, yeah, it would be,” you reply, as if that isn’t exactly what had happened (and exactly what you’d been talking about with Karkat minutes earlier).

Another pause. John’s smile fades into a frown.

“But Dave. What if I’m not straight.”

You sigh. “Look dude, you’ve just got to give it some real hard honest thought. I don’t know what more I can tell you.”

“Thanks,” he says, but doesn’t look contented.

“Yeah.”

John stands abruptly, as if about to leave. You look up at him. He reconsiders, and sits back down, an anxiety that you know all too well painted across his face.

“What if I like boys, Dave?”

“JOHN. STOP. It’s gonna be fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah. I know.” He takes a breath, then continues, voice speeding up. “It’s just weird. You know it’s not like I haven’t thought about that. About maybe going out with a boy. Like someone I know. I mean not in a gay way. Just kinda thinking. You know how it is! Like sometimes you have really good friends and you imagine what it would be like if they weren’t just your friend! I think everyone does it. But does that mean I like boys—”

You stare at him. He stops rambling and meets your eyes. Well. Shades.

“John,” you say slowly, “did you just tell me that you used to fantasize about me?”

John’s eyes widen in panic. “Whaaat?? No no Dave where did you get that from!!”

“All right, we can both keep denying it then.”

“Did you use to fantasize about me then??”

“I never said that!!”

John glances around nervously, as if wishing the omnipresent wind would pick him up and whisk him away. “Can we drop the subject!”

“DAVE USED TO HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU, JOHN,” comes a loud and awfully familiar voice from down the trail. Fuck.

“KARKAT!!”

“Karkat, go away!!” screams John.

“Fine!” You hear the sound of footsteps. God fucking dammit. How long had he been listening in??

John jumps to his feet, looking thoroughly rattled. “Thanks for your help, Dave... I think I’m just gonna… go… yeah….”

“Bye,” you say, but he’s already dissolved into wind. An emotion that you can’t quite characterize floods your mind. You might call it regret.

“Karkat, you ruined the moment,” you call down the trail.

You see his head pop up behind a bush. “Was it really a moment, Dave.”

“Yeah, fuck you, we were having a tender bro moment. You’re just jealous.”

“I am not jealous, assface!” He stands, beginning to climb up the trail towards you.

“So, how much did you hear?”

Karkat shrugs, in a way that tells you he heard every single word. “Some of it. Doesn’t matter. Never mind. It’s not my business anyway.”

“Don’t worry, dude, I’m totally over John,” you tell him, because for some reason you feel like it needs to be repeated.

He eyes you. “Sounds like something someone who’s not over John would say.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Fuck off!”

You laugh and grab his hand. “Let’s stop talking about John. What do you want to do?”

“Let’s stay here for a while.” He gestures you towards the spot you were sitting before. His hand is warm in yours. God, you love him so much.

A light breeze picks up your cape and plays with it for a second. Anxiety stirs in your chest, but you push it away. It’s just the wind. Regular, normal wind.

And even if it weren’t, what would you have to be afraid of?

Chapter Text

Your phone buzzes, jolting you from your light sleep. The room is dark but the window is open, providing you with some moonlight by which to see. You reach over Karkat, who’s softly snoring next to you, and grab your phone, turning the brightness all the way down and propping yourself up against the wall next to your bed. The time is 2:13 in the morning. You could’ve known that without checking the clock on your phone.

John is pestering you. Suddenly you’re a lot more awake.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: dave you said not to worry about it but i am worrying about it!!
TG: what
TG: go to bed john
TG: like im one to talk lmao
EB: you’ve planted the gay seed in my head and now i can’t stop thinking about it!
EB: what if i’m gay, dave.
TG: look dude its cool i get it but
TG: what you have to realize is that literally no one will judge you if youre gay
TG: im bi all the trolls are pan dirks gay roxys bi i think and rose is a lesbian
TG: youre the token straight friend my dude
TG: or not straight i guess idk
EB: wait rose is gay too?
TG: oh my god are you fucking serious
TG: ahaha your gaydar is literally the worst
TG: have you seen her with kanaya
EB: i thought they were very good friends??
TG: just gals bein pals huh
EB: to be fair if kanaya was a boy i would have thought the same thing.
EB: i guess i’m not very good at recognizing relationships!
EB: including you and karkat.
EB: i still can’t believe that’s really happening! but i have to say you do seem like a cute couple.
TG: cute huh
TG: if you were here karkat would fuck you
TG: NO THATS NOT WHAT I
TG: karkat would fucking eviscerate you
TG: is what i meant
EB: eheheh okay
TG: so are you good now can i go back to sleep
EB: oh... i did have some other things i wanted to say, sorry.
TG: right well im here for you
TG: wow that was a tender bro moment right there
TG: were the tenderest of bros me and you
TG: helping each other with sexuality shit like the bros we are
TG: deconstructing traditional masculinity while high fiving the fuck out of each other
TG: what are the things you wanted to say
EB: well, i’ve been talking to rose a little bit, and she knows all about obscure sexuality labels and stuff like that.
EB: i guess i should have guessed she was gay sooner!
EB: anyway, i think i might be asexual?
TG: oh ive heard of that one
TG: so you dont feel sexual attraction or whatever right
EB: that’s right!
EB: well maybe i just haven’t met the right person, but i don’t know dave, it sounds an awful lot like me.
TG: nice
TG: hey is there a word thats the opposite of asexual where youre just horny all the time
TG: thats me
EB: ew dave i did not need to know that!!
TG: lmao just kidding
TG: hang on gotta move somewhere else dont want to wake karkat
EB: karkat’s there? are you having a sleepover?
TG: yes john the boy i am dating is sleeping in my bed with his arms around me this is definitely a sleepover
EB: awww
EB: this is what i meant though! i am clueless when it comes to relationships.
TG: wow really
TG: brb
TG: ok successfully relocated
TG: hm this house still sometimes creeps me out at night
EB: why would your house be creepy?
TG: nevermind
TG: anyway
TG: so if youre ace does that mean youre aromatic too
EB: yes dave, i smell nice all the time.
TG: fuck
TG: aromantic
TG: are you?
EB: hmm, i don’t know.
TG: well do you get crushes on people
TG: come to think of it thats a good way to figure out if youre gay or not too
TG: have you ever had a crush on a boy
EB: i don’t know!
TG: why wouldnt you know
EB: i don’t know what a crush feels like!
TG: what about all those actors you like
TG: couldve sworn you had a crush on
TG: uh i forgot her name but you know who i mean
EB: i don’t think those are actual crushes, though. they are more like admiration, or thinking that someone is beautiful or handsome.
EB: how did you realize that you liked karkat?
TG: its kinda a long story and a bit embarrassing so i dont want to get into it
TG: hey heres a heads up if you want to kiss someone thats a pretty big sign you like them
EB: hm.
TG: is there anyone you want to kiss
EB: well there are people who i wouldn’t mind kissing.
EB: actually it might be kind of nice.
TG: who
EB: i’m not going to tell you!
EB: i would never be able to work up the courage to kiss someone though.
TG: you just have to swallow your fear and go for it dude
TG: actually no you have to ask first usually
TG: because they might not want to be kissed
EB: that makes sense.
EB: but i would rather have someone kiss me than try to kiss them!
TG: i assume this is all hypothetical of course
EB: of course.
TG: hey bro not that i dont love talking to you but i need to sleep
TG: and so do you
TG: talk later?
EB: oh yeah, sorry.
EB: good night dave!
TG: night

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, DAVE.
TG: chill im having some me time
CG: IT’S ALMOST THREE IN THE MORNING.
TG: who are you to judge when i have my me time
TG: you once walked around the meteor by yourself until 6 am
CG: OKAY, FAIR.
CG: WHAT WERE YOU DOING ANYWAY?
TG: what happens in me time stays in me time
CG: I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW.
CG: CAN YOU COME BACK UP?
TG: are you lonely
CG: ...YES
TG: karkat ive been a constant presence in your life for like 3 years i wouldve thought youd be sick of me by now
CG: NEVER MIND, I CANCEL MY REQUEST. I AM VERY SICK OF YOU.
TG: cool im coming up

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Chapter Text

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TG: hey roxy whats up
TG: got a kinda weird question for you
TG: yo
TG: oh fuck were both tg
TG: ya ill fix that
TG2: how
TG2: oh my god
TG: its just a simple pesterchum hack! temporary but useful
TG2: wait why am i tg2
TG: bc i did the hack so i can decide whos what!
TG: heheheh
TG: all ur usernames is belong to me
TG2: alright now that weve got that out of the way whats up
TG: nothin much
TG: been decorating the house with callie
TG: shes gonna live with me 8)
TG2: oh nice
TG2: congrats
TG: congrats??
TG2: shes your gf right
TG: lol i wish
TG2: ok you ready for my weird question
TG2: it actually relates believe it or not
TG: bring it
TG2: do you like jane too
TG: :o
TG: :O
TG: how did u know
TG2: tbh i have no idea
TG2: dirk mightve said something
TG: o yea it was probably him :/
TG: why do you ask?
TG2: whats the word for when you like multiple people at once
TG: oh polamoruos?
TG: *polyamorous
TG: thats when youre in a relationship w more than one person
TG2: hell yeah thats it
TG2: are you polyam
TG: idk mayb
TG: i would loev to get with both jane and callie......
TG: im just THAT gay i need 2 girls
TG: is there a reason ur asking about polysmabory
TG: *ployamory
TG: *polyamory damn thats a hard word
TG2: no just curious
TG2: thanks though
TG: np!
TG2: wait one more question
TG: ya?
TG2: how would one hypothetically tell their partner that they like someone else too
TG2: keyword hypothetically
TG2: i swear this is completely hypothetical i dont even know if i like him like that anymore
TG: oh???
TG2: fuck
TG: ;3
TG2: forget i said anything
TG: well idk much abt trolls but they often have lots of partners right??
TG2: yeah but each partner is in a different quadrant
TG2: me and karkat are like pan quadrant or something
TG: maybe u should just talk to him
TG2: i dont know if it has to come to that
TG2: im very good at repressing my feelings
TG: rip
TG: but seriously dave dont do that!
TG2: haha tell that to my anxious post traumatic brain
TG: oh even bigger rip
TG: also mental illness of any sort is a big mood
TG2: yep
TG2: oh wait
TG2: karkat is making me watch a movie with him gtg
TG: noice
TG: gl!
TG2: thanks

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

“Dave!” calls Karkat for at least the fourth time. “Get your ass down here!”

You pocket your phone and head into the living room (if it really counts as a living room), which the two of you have made sincere efforts to clean up. It is, to your great relief, puppet-free. Soon you’ll be rid of everything that reminds you of Bro.

Karkat brandishes a DVD in front of you. Adventure Time Season 1, it says.

“Rose said we should watch this. It’s not a romcom but she said we should try it out, and I trust her judgement.”

“Sure.” You take the disk from him and insert it into the huge computer by the couch.

“Who were you talking to?” asks Karkat. His tone is very slightly accusatory.

“Roxy.”

“An engrossing conversation, I assume.”

“Yup.” You sit down next to him, put an arm around his shoulder, and wait for it to begin.

The cartoon is pretty weird. Well, admittedly less weird than the sorts of stuff Rose usually likes, but still not really what you were expecting from a kids’ show about a boy and his dog. You notice at one point that it was made in 2010—Rose must’ve gotten it from Roxy. You see why the two of them like it.

After you’ve watched an hour and a half of this bizzare science fantasy cartoon, you pause it and turn to Karkat. “What do you think?”

“It’s….” He fumbles for the words. “Weird. But also interesting?”

“Sounds about right.”

You watch two more episodes. Karkat rests his head on your shoulder, and suddenly you can’t concentrate on Adventure Time anymore; you’re thinking about your conversation with Roxy.

“Karkat,” you begin suddenly, pausing in the middle of an episode, “random question.”

He grunts. “What.”

“What quadrant are we in?”

Karkat sits bolt upright. “Why the fuck—Dave—that isn’t something you ask in the middle of binging a kids’ show—”

You shrug. “I was thinking about it earlier. Thought I might as well get it out of my head.”

“We’ve talked about this before.”

“Yeah. Has the answer changed?”

“I—” His cheeks darken. “I suppose not. We’re not really in a quadrant. Or at least, not in one. It’s like a mix of a few. Mostly red and pale. Does that answer your question. Can we go back to—”

“Are there many troll relationships that are multi-quadrant?”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now, fuckface!” screeches Karkat, and you shut up. This was an awful idea.

“Shit. Sorry.”

He sighs, unpausing the video. “Let’s just finish this episode and then go to bed.”

It’s only 10, but neither of you got much sleep last night, so you agree. You hardly pay attention to the rest of the episode.

“You wanna talk about it now?” you ask Karkat, once you’ve finished your Adventure Time binge and taken a shower. You know it’ll make your hair stand on end tomorrow, but you don’t really care.

Karkat lies down on the bed and groans. “Why do you want to talk about quadrants, of all things?”

“You love talking about quadrants.”

“Yeah, but—”

“It’s different when it’s you?” you offer.

“Something like that,” he mutters.

You join him on the bed. It’s way too small to fit both of you comfortably, but it’s an excuse to snuggle up really close.

“You know,” says Karkat after a pause, his voice a little lower than usual, “when we first got together, I was terrified because we were breaking all the quadrant rules.”

He’s told you this before. You nod.

“So when you bring up quadrants again, it kind of… I dunno. Takes me back to that time, or some shit like that. But I’m good now.”

“You sure?”

“Sure. Hey, can you turn out the light?”

“You’re closer. You do it.”

“I don’t want to get up. You do it.”

“That’s a shitty excuse.”

“No it isn’t.”

“You can see in the dark.”

He considers this, then slowly lifts himself from the bed, giving you a death glare. The lights flicker out. Karkats return to your side, giving you a quick kiss before settling down. It’s the first time he’s kissed you since you left the meteor. The two of you have been a bit preoccupied since. You feel for his face in the dark and kiss him back.

You try to sleep. You really do.

You think about Roxy, and you think about John.

Around midnight, you get a text.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: hey dave, i’m sorry to bother you but can we talk?
TG: wow its only 12 thats early for you
EB: sorry again :P
TG: is it urgent
EB: sort of?
EB: i don’t think i’ll be able to sleep if i don’t get it out.
TG: ok whats up
EB: actually
EB: can you come over?
EB: i think talking in person might be better.
TG: oh shit
TG: ill be right there give me five minutes
EB: don’t worry, it’s not a bad thing really.
EB: but i think we should sort it out.
TG: cool seeya soon

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

Your heart is pounding. God. You shouldn’t be this worried. It’s probably nothing. Random sexuality shit or something. That’s all you’ve been talking about recently, anyway.

You send Karkat a quick text, for if he wakes up and wonders where you are. You’re going on a walk, you tell him. You’re not sure why you lie.

As soon as you’re out the door, you take off.

Chapter Text

You’ve seen John’s house from the outside, of course, and pictures taken in various rooms, but you don’t think you’ve ever actually been inside. As you approach, you notice that all the lights are off, except for in an upstairs room that you assume must be John’s. Like you, he’s removed all traces of Sburban influence, so it just looks like a normal house without any extensions—surrounded by huts that house salamanders, yes, but other than that, fairly normal.

Still hovering, you knock on the window. John starts, putting down his phone and jumping up from the bed. He’s still wearing his god tier outfit, as are you. You’ll change your clothes at some point, but you’ve gotten used to wearing them 24/7. The cape is especially fun.

John fumbles with the window, and opens it far enough that you can wriggle through. It’s a tighter fit than you expected, and John has to help quite a bit. You pretend you aren’t noticing his hands on your body.

Finally, you’re through, and you collapse onto John’s bed, laughing. The window stays open, offering a cool night breeze—as if breeze is hard to come by in the house of an Heir of Breath.

You sit up, leaning against the poster-filled wall. John does the same. Your laughter gradually fades.

“What’s up?” you ask, casual as ever.

“Nothing much. Couldn’t sleep. You know how it is!” John’s face twists into a smile. It almost doesn’t look forced. “Did you and Karkat watch a movie tonight?”

“Nah, we binged a cartoon Rose likes. It’s called Adventure Time. Really fucking weird, but kinda cathartic? Dunno, maybe all cartoons are like that. I never watched many as a kid.”

“Jake would like the title.”

“Oh yeah, probably.”

“It seemed like it was always adventure time over on Jake’s island!”

“You know, the main character reminds me a bit of you. I dunno why,” you add after John perks up in interest. “He’s just got that vibe, you know.”

He giggles. “Okay! I will take your word for it.”

Shit. You just realize that he’s lead you off on a tangent. Probably purposefully. Fuck your easily-distractible brain.

“So,” you start after a pause, your heartbeat suddenly noticeable within your chest, “what did you want to talk about?”

John’s face goes from amused to anxious in approximately 0.413 seconds. “Oh. Yeah.”

“Lemme guess. You’ve done some soul searching and discovered that you are, in fact, a raging homosexual.”

“Dave!!” John’s cheeks go scarlet, and he covers his face with his hands.

“What? Am I wrong?”

“I wouldn’t really say ‘raging homosexual’...” he mutters through his fingers.

“But you are gay?”

John sighs and looks up at you, fixing his eyes on your shades. “Yeah.”

You can’t help but grin. “Hell yeah. Welcome to the club.”

“At least, well, I think I am. I could be wrong! I haven’t been thinking about this for very long, so I could definitely be wrong. But it just sort of makes sense, in a weird way?”

“Yeah, I get it.”

He laughs nervously. “Wow! Coming out sure is tricky.”

“At least you had me to help you along.”

“Oh yes, that was definitely ‘helping.’”

“Feel better now?”

“A bit. Thanks.”

“No problem, dude.”

“Was it this hard for you?” he asks.

“At the beginning? Yeah, definitely. But it gets a bit easier with time. Still hells of nerve-wracking though.”

John nods. “Yeah… also you’re bisexual, so you’re only half gay. But I’m full gay! I think. Wow, it feels weird to say that—”

“John.” You raise your hand to your chest in mock-offense, the corners of your mouth twitching. “If you’re going to be part of the LGBT community, you’ve gotta stop saying shit like that. I’m not ‘half gay.’”

“Oh. Sorry.” He looks at you sheepishly as he recognizes his error. “But I can’t choose to be part of the LGBT community! Being gay isn’t a choice, Dave!”

“I will revoke your LGBT license. You are expressly forbidden from being gay, John. How does it feel to be a heterosexual?”

For some reason, John finds this absolutely hilarious. After all, everything is funny late at night, and especially when you’re still high on adrenaline from coming out to your best bro. He collapses onto his side and curls himself into a ball, shaking with laughter. It’s hella cute. Finally, he sits back upright, adjusting his glasses as the last of his chuckles fade.

“I’ve probably said this many times,” he tells you, “but I really never thought about my sexuality before. I just assumed I was into girls, even though I’d never been attracted to one before! So I guess it makes sense that I like boys.”

“If you don’t like girls, you don’t have to automatically like boys.”

“Oh, no, I definitely like boys,” he replies with a confidence that surprises you a little. “But uh. It also seems really weird calling myself gay! I think that’s just because we used to joke all the time about how not-gay we were, so it feels weird to associate myself with that word?”

You nod. “Same here, kinda. At least I’m bi. So not quite gay.”

“Half gay,” says John, but this time it’s ironic. You laugh. “I suppose I’ll get used to it, though.”

“Yep.”

There’s a pause. You look around John’s room, trying not to focus on the fact that your shoulders are touching. It's not far off from how you imagined it. There are a bunch of movie posters, a desk with a computer, and various objects that you would classify as prankster material.

“Hmm.” John’s brows are furrowed. “I just had a weird thought.”

“Yeah?”

“When Karkat was flirting with me… maybe it made me so uncomfortable because of my… what’s the word? Internalized homophobia.”

“That’s not weird; it totally makes sense.”

“Cool. You know… if he did that today, I wonder how I would react.”

“Did what? Flirted with you?”

“Yeah.” He's staring off into space, obvious in a deep state of gay contemplation. “I would be flattered, I think! Maybe. As long as it wasn’t hate-love. I still don't really get that concept.”

“Ignoring the fact that you basically just implied you want my boyfriend to flirt with you, I think you’d be happy to know that Karkat most certainly doesn’t hate you anymore.”

John laughs. “I know! He’s made that very clear.” His face darkens suddenly. “I hope it stays that way.”

“What? Why, what reason would he have to hate you?”

“Never mind. Sorry.”

You don’t respond. The silence is somewhat awkward. John pulls away from you slightly, so that your shoulders are no longer touching. Shit, he noticed, didn’t he.

“Did you have anything else?” you ask. “Or is that it? You’re gay and you wanted your best bro to be the first to know?”

“I…” He isn’t looking at you anymore. “Yeah, there’s more.”

Your heart accelerates again, but you've gotta be patient for your friend. (Friend? Best friend? Former crush? Hell, current semi-crush??) “Take your time, dude.”

“Thanks.”

“You want me to guess again or—?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

John suddenly turns to you again. His eyes hold a hint of desperation. “Dave, can you tell me something? And can you be honest? Please?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you really like me? Like, have a crush on me?”

Fuck. Your heart is racing. Is this going where you think it’s going? “Okay. Yeah. I did.”

He relaxes slightly. “Wow. I never noticed!”

“Me neither.”

“What?”

“It was like… a retroactive crush. I only discovered it was a crush after I fell for Karkat.”

“Okay,” he says. “Okay.” He’s breathing heavily. His heart must be beating as fast as yours. “Dave?”

“Yeah?”

“I can tell you anything, right?”

“Yeah, of course.” As an afterthought, partly because you want to lighten the mood, you add, “Doesn’t mean I won’t judge you for it, though. Like, if you want to confide in me that you love Katy Perry? You’re not getting away with something like that, dude.”

John attempts a laugh. “Don’t worry, I don’t even know who Katy Perry is.”

“Thank god.”

“I…” He takes a deep breath. “I don’t know how to say this, Dave! It feels so wrong for so many reasons, but I just really like you, and I’m pretty sure I’ve got a huge crush on you, which is really stupid, I know, and I know you don’t like me that way anymore—”

Well, that’s that. No use denying it now. “What? No, John—”

You reach out a hand, but he pulls away, hiding his face in his hood. “God, this is really awful, I’m sorry, Dave—”

“John, you don’t have to be sorry, for fuck’s sake—”

“But you and Karkat—”

“Yeah, but—”

“And I’m just—” He stops, clumsily removing his glasses and wiping his hand across his eyes. “Fuck. Sorry.”

You grab John by the shoulders and look him in the eyes. They’re wet. Your heart melts. John puts his glasses back on and stares at you, waiting for you to speak.

“It’s okay,” you say, because you don’t know what else to do, and if you're being honest with yourself, you're not very good at comforting people. Hell, if he's letting you see him while he's vulnerable, you might as well do the same for him. You prop your shades up on your forehead and make proper eye contact, blinking against the sudden light. Bright blue eyes meet bright red ones. “It’s okay.”

John nods. A tear trickles down his cheek. You don’t think you’ve ever seen him cry before. But then again, you haven’t been seeing him in real life for very long.

Fuck, you have a really strong urge to kiss him. Instead, you pull him into a hug. He’s soft and warm and his heart is beating just as wildly as yours. You remember before you entered Sburb, a favorite daydream of yours was imagining yourself meeting up with all your friends. You would always imagine hugging John. Just a bro hug, though. Not… well, whatever weird crush situation you have here.

You love Karkat. You really do. But why can’t you have that feeling for more than one person?

John pulls away slightly. His arms are still around you, and you can’t quite read his expression. It’s like he’s a little bit out of touch with reality. Not that you can blame him. It’s super late, and some pretty big emotions have been happening tonight. His hood has fallen off, and his hair is standing on end in that way you’ve always liked.

You try again to resist the urge to kiss him, and fail completely. You cup his face in your hands and press your lips to his. John was not expecting it. He freezes in shock, but quickly recovers, closing his eyes and pulling you closer, arms tight around your shoulders. His lips are softer than Karkat’s, and his breath is as cool as the night wind.

Man, your younger self would be so fucking ecstatic right now. Your current mood, however, is somewhere between terrified, overjoyed, and numb.

When you break apart, John starts giggling again. It quickly evolves into a full-fledged laugh, and he leans against your chest, gasping for air. You can’t help but join him. Your head is spinning.

“What the fuck,” he whispers in between chortles. “Dave! What!”

“What.”

“What!”

You don’t know what he wants you to say. “So, am I an amazing kisser, or what?”

That just makes John dissolve into laughter again. “You really are great at kissing, Dave!” he manages to get out. “Wow! It’s way too late and I am having too many feelings! Also, your eyes are cool.”

“Thanks.”

“Man.” John lets out a deep breath, his laughter finally ceasing. “I just had no idea you would do that! Or that I would like it so much!”

He leans in to kiss you again, and your heart once more goes into overdrive. But suddenly there’s a nagging feeling in the back of your mind, and you pull away earlier than you would’ve liked.

“Shit,” you breath. “Karkat.”

“Oh,” says John.

“Yeah.”

“Will—he won't mind if you make out a little with your best bro, will he?” John’s eyes are wide and nervous, and his gaze is still on your lips. He really does like you a lot, doesn't he. It probably surprises him as much as, if not more than, it surprises you.

“I don't know.”

“You should talk to him. Oh man, Dave—I'm so sorry—this was a bad idea—”

Yeah, it kind of was. But no way are you going to tell John that. “I'm sure he'll understand. Trolls often have—well, actually—no, that isn't the same thing.” How conservative is Karkat when it comes to relationship norms, anyway? He was willing to forego quadrants for you, but…

You snap out of it. You can't talk to him. Of course, you should. Communication is an essential part of a healthy relationship, or whatever. But you sure as hell do not have the mental fortitude to explain all your whirling thoughts and emotions to Karkat, and especially not in your current state.

“I should go,” you say, but don't move. John’s arms are still draped around your shoulders. You’re way too exhausted to move. Maybe you could just sleep here…

You remove yourself from John’s embrace and take out your phone. Your heart skips a beat when you notice two messages from Karkat.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: DAVE, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU.
CG: IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, WHY ARE YOU GOING FOR A WALK.
TG: pffft like you dont do the exact same thing
CG: I’M TECHNICALLY NOCTURNAL. YOU AREN’T.
TG: maybe youve rubbed off on me
CG: ARE YOU PLANNING TO COME BACK?
TG: not sure yet
CG: THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION, FUCKFACE.
TG: how mad would you be if i didnt come back
CG: WHERE ARE YOU?
TG: at a secret carapacian party organized by the mayor to celebrate my musical brilliance
TG: its fuckin lit and im high off my ass right now so i dont think youd want to interact with me in person
CG: IT’S REALLY AMAZING HOW HORRIBLE AT LYING YOU ARE.
TG: speak for yourself
CG: ANYWAY, I DON’T ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT WHERE YOU ARE. GO HAVE YOUR “ME TIME” OR WHATEVER.
TG: whoa really
CG: JUST STOP TEXTING ME SO I CAN GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.
TG: thanks babe seeya tomorrow
TG: love you
CG: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO THAT
CG: <3 ?
TG: lmao karkat is once again flustered by affection
TG: <333
TG: dont mind me just feelin very affectionate right now
CG: I’M FLATTERED.
CG: THAT WASN’T SARCASTIC, BY THE WAY.
CG: NIGHT
TG: night
CG: DAVE
CG: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
TG: thanks ill try

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

You stare at your phone for a couple more seconds before putting it away. Suddenly you feel like shit. It’s not like you lied, really—well, you did, but that was a joke and Karkat knew it—but you really should’ve told him where you were, what was going on… and now he’s just letting you abandon him for the night with no questions asked. You don’t deserve him. Especially not now.

“Are you going?” John asks after a second. He’s been watching you text, perfectly still and silent. He can’t see your screen, and you hope he can’t read your face.

“Nah.” You can’t go back. Not when Karkat’s explicitly given you permission to go have your “me time.” Even if he doesn’t know what that really means.

“Dave! You can’t stay here; you have to—”

“Karkat’s cool with it.”

John’s eyes widen. “You told him?”

“Nope.”

“You lied to him??”

“No, I just… I didn’t tell him.”

“You should at least tell him you’re here.” John looks worried. “I don’t want to cause any trouble! If you and Karkat broke up because of me—”

“What? No! I’m not going to break up with Karkat!”

“Okay,” says John, but the anxiety is still evident on his face.

You sigh. “I don’t know how to explain it, okay? I love Karkat, a lot, but I—I also really like you. Seeing you in person just triggered my stupid crush again, and I don’t fucking know what I’m going to do, because I want to be with both of you, but I don’t know if that’s possible—”

You stop. John is looking at you with wide eyes.

“You like me too?”

“Of course I like you, dumbass, I just kissed you.”

He grins, but the expression quickly changes to a frown. “I don’t know, Dave! This situation is just really weird.”

“Let’s deal with it in the morning, okay?”

“Yeah—wait, you’re staying here, right?”

“If you want me to.”

“I—if Karkat’s okay with it—”

“No, fuck this, we’re not getting into that again.” You roll back the covers on John’s bed and promptly lie down. You have to say, it’s a little more comfy than your bed. John takes a second to remove his hood (probably a necessary precaution; you don’t want to be strangled in your sleep by a god tier hood), then stands and turns off the light. He lies next to you, drawing the covers over the two of you. Like yours, this bed wasn’t meant for two people; you and John are inches apart. Your heart starts to speed up again.

“You comfortable?” John whispers.

“Yeah.”

“I’ve never shared a bed with someone before! This is exciting.”

In response, you wrap your arms around him and pull him close to you. His hair tickles your nose. He’s so soft and warm and wonderful. For a second, you’ve overwhelmed with love for John Egbert—not just romantic, but also as his best friend.

You fall asleep quickly, feeling your own heartbeat and John’s slow down. Your dreams are long and complex and don’t make a lot of sense.

Chapter Text

You wake up at 10 AM to find John Egbert’s foot in your face. Somehow, while he was sleeping, John has managed to turn himself around 180 degrees. He’s hugging your legs, and has his face pressed into the mattress, lightly snoring. For about three seconds, you’re extremely confused about the whole situation. Then the tumultuous events of last night crash back into your memory, and you’re suddenly awake.

You try to shake John off your legs. He won’t budge. You’re gonna have to wake him up. You sit up and shake him lightly. John wakes with a surprised “huh??” and turns over to stare at you, bleary-eyed and still half asleep. It takes him a second to realize he’s clutching your legs, and he quickly drops them.

“Sorry, Dave! I don’t know how that happened!”

You smile. “It’s fine. How’d you sleep?”

“Great!” John grabs his glasses, tossing you your shades. “You?”

“Pretty good.” You don’t mention how much you love to hug him, and how incredible it was to do that for an entire night.

The two of you progress slowly through the next hour. You make yourself a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and take it upstairs to eat it in John’s room, because why not. John plays video games on his computer. You watch with detached interest. You notice you have a couple messages from Karkat asking when you’ll be back. This afternoon, you tell him. There are a few things you want to do first.

You kiss John goodbye before you head out. It feels weird when it’s not in the tired stupor of the early morning. There’s definitely something about it that makes you uncomfortable. But the look on his face when you pull away is worth it.

There’s someone else you want to talk to before you can face Karkat. Maybe he’d understand.

The Mayor is hard at work with his plans for full-scale Can Town. He and his other carapacian friend—PM, is that her name?—have made themselves a prototype house, shaped like a cylinder with a metal exterior. He’s surprised to see you, and ushers you in. It looks like the place is pretty cozy. A lot more furniture fits in the room than you’d expect. PM isn’t here right now—you’re secretly kind of glad; she scares you a little.

“How’s it going, my friend?” asks the Mayor, gesturing you to the couch.

You think of the events of the last few days. “Wild.”

“Good wild or bad wild?”

“I’m not sure yet.”

“Did you want to talk about it?”

Unsurprisingly, given that the Mayor was your main bro for the better half of three years, you pour your heart out to him. You explain John’s sexuality crisis, your resurfacing crush, your pseudo-argument with Karkat, and finally your feelings jam with John, in which you ended up kissing him.

“And you haven’t told Karkat,” the Mayor clarifies once you’ve summarized the events of this morning.

“Nope.”

“Are you afraid of jeopardizing your relationship with him?”

You put your face in your hands. “I don’t know, man. I don’t even want to bring it up. It’s just gonna result in an emotionally charged conversation that I’m not capable of handling right now.”

The Mayor puts a small, steady hand on your back, managing to sign quite eloquently with his remaining hand. “Would you rather have this event hang over your head forever?”

“It—I’ll forget about it. It doesn’t matter. It’s not gonna happen again.”

He smiles. “From the way you described your night with John, it doesn’t seem like you’re going to forget about it.”

“Yeah. Yeah. I know.”

“And besides… maybe if you talk with Karkat, it will happen again?”

“But in a way that doesn’t make me feel like a guilty, cheating, lying piece of shit,” you mutter.

“Exactly!”

You can’t argue with that. But there’s a voice in your head that tells you that the best way to deal with this is to stop speaking with John and pretend it never happened.

“Sure,” you say in the most noncommittal voice you can muster.

When you get home, Karkat is sitting on the couch, reading a book. From the cover, it looks like one of his trashy Alternian romance novels. They’re not trashy! you remind yourself. Actually, one or two of them have piqued your interest. But you’re not about to tell that to Karkat.

He stands abruptly when he sees you, dropping his book. “Dave!”

“Yo,” you say.

His eyes scan your body, as if trying to find any signs of what you were up to last night. “How are you?” he finally asks.

“Good.”

“Wanna watch some more TV?”

“Maybe later.”

Karkat slowly sits back down, frowning. You should say something to him. “Sorry, dude. I shouldn’t have just left like that.”

“It’s fine. You need your alone time. I get it.” His voice is frustratingly neutral.

You nod, avoiding eye contact. “I’m just gonna go chill in my room.”

“Okay,” says Karkat, but you’re already leaving.

You enter your room, shut the door, and collapse onto the bed. All the emotion has drained out of you; you feel hollow and numb.

You distract yourself for a couple hours by making music. Karkat eventually comes up and sits on your bed with his book. The two of you don’t talk. You can feel his eyes on the back of your head.

John sends you a couple messages. You don’t respond. You don’t have the energy to talk right now.

“Dave,” comes Karkat’s voice three hours into your beat mixing session, “have you eaten anything today?”

“Yeah. Breakfast.” Dry cereal in John’s room.

Karkat stands, grabs your hand, and drags you away from your computer. “You have to fucking eat! We are going to have dinner. Right now.”

The two of you heat up some pizza from the fridge. You hadn’t realized how hungry you were, and you wolf down four slices the second it comes out of the microwave. Karkat grins, but the expression holds a hint of anxiety.

Binging Adventure Time definitely lightens your mood. It’s absolutely absurd and hilarious, and also has a really interesting world and characters, and at times you laugh harder than you have all day. Which isn’t saying much, but hey, you’ll take what you can get.

You fall asleep in the middle of your eleventh episode. You don’t even get the chance to say goodnight to Karkat.

When you wake up, the room is dark and the TV is off. Karkat has dozed off, his head resting against your shoulder. You would move the two of you to your room, but you’re too lazy to do that. And you don’t want to wake Karkat. So you shift into a more comfortable position, and drift off to sleep once more.

Chapter Text

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

CG: HEY EGBERT.
EB: oh karkat!!
EB: did dave talk to you??
CG: NO, THAT’S THE PROBLEM.
CG: HE WON’T TALK TO ME. I’M BEGINNING TO WORRY ABOUT HIM.
EB: oh dear...
EB: that’s not good!
CG: HAVE YOU TALKED TO HIM IN THE LAST FEW DAYS?
EB: actually, i have!
CG: DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S UP WITH HIM THEN?
EB: yeah, but it wouldn’t be my place to tell you that.
EB: he will tell you himself when he’s ready.
EB: at least, i hope he will...
CG: YOU HAVEN’T EXACTLY SUCCEEDED IN CALMING MY NERVES ABOUT THIS.
EB: it’s a pretty tricky subject!
EB: also, i feel the need to preemptively apologize.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK, WHY WOULD YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE.
EB: never mind! this is stupid and we should stop talking about it.
EB: please talk to dave though.
EB: also...
EB: don’t be an asshole about it!!
CG: WOW I’M OFFENDED. DO YOU JUST THINK OF ME AS A PERPETUAL ASSHOLE, JOHN?
EB: kind of!
EB: but in a good way, don’t worry. :p
EB: anyway, you should know that dave loves you very much!
CG: FOR SOME REASON, THAT STATEMENT MAKES ME INCREDIBLY SUSPICIOUS.
EB: what??? you think he doesn’t love you??
CG: NO, OF COURSE HE DOES. IT’S THE FACT THAT IT NEEDS REITERATING.
EB: i’m just trying to help you dude!
EB: but honestly, i’m kind of stressed and sad right now, so i’m not sure what else i can say.
CG: OH NO
CG: HOW COME?
EB: karkat vantas, expressing concern over my well being? it’s more likely than you think!
CG: HEY, FUCK YOU.
CG: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM CONCERNED WITH THE WELL BEINGS OF ALL MY FRIENDS.
CG: YES, THAT INCLUDES YOU, ASSHAT.
EB: hehe thanks.
EB: don’t worry about me though, i’m just having a lot of emotions that i don’t know how to handle!
CG: AH
CG: AS THE KIDS SAY, “BIG MOOD.”
EB: karkat you’re a kid too!!
CG: OKAY, FAIR.
CG: ARE YOU STRESSED ABOUT DAVE?
EB: yeah, that’s part of it.
CG: HAS HE BEEN IGNORING YOU TOO?
EB: he’s been ignoring you?
EB: i mean, i sent him a couple messages and he didn’t respond...
CG: I GUESS I SHOULDN’T JUMP TO THAT CONCLUSION. HE’S JUST SORT OF... SECLUDED?
CG: I HOPE HE’S BEEN TAKING HIS MEDS.
CG: WAIT, COME TO THINK OF IT, I DON’T KNOW IF HE HAS. I’LL SEE IF I CAN GET HIM TO DO THAT, AT LEAST, WHEN HE WAKES UP.
CG: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TALKED?
EB: yesterday morning.
CG: COME TO THINK OF IT, I’M PROBABLY BLOWING THIS WAY OUT OF PROPORTION.
CG: EVERYONE NEEDS ALONE TIME SOMETIMES! EVEN IF IT’S FOR AN ENTIRE FUCKING NIGHT.
EB: oh... about that...
EB: he was actually at my house.
CG: WAIT, WHAT? WHY DIDN’T HE TELL ME?
EB: he was feeling kind of guilty about leaving you.
CG: OH MY GOD, WHEN WILL DAVE STRIDER ACTUALLY BE OPEN ABOUT HIS FEELINGS IN THE TIMES WHEN IT’S FUCKING NEEDED THE MOST.
CG: YOU’RE HIS BEST FRIEND, YOU DESERVE TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM, BUT
CG: I JUST WISH HE’D TOLD ME??
EB: yeah, i told him he should, but he didn’t want to.
CG: I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO ASK HIM ABOUT IT LATER.
CG: NO WAIT, HE TOLD ME HE WAS GOING ON A WALK, DIDN’T HE.
CG: GODDAMMIT STRIDER.
EB: oh dear, that was kind of my fault!
EB: i messaged him in the middle of the night because i was having a crisis, and asked him to come over.
EB: maybe he just didn’t want to worry you?
CG: I SUPPOSE.
CG: IS YOUR CRISIS FIXED NOW?
EB: sort of!
EB: no, it’s actually turned into a bigger crisis.
CG: WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
EB: um...
EB: man, i didn’t think i would be telling anyone else so soon!
EB: i was thinking about it a lot, and...
EB: i’m gay!
EB: yaaaaay, cue rainbow fireworks.
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
CG: HOLY FUCK, EGBERT
CG: WHAT HAPPENED TO “I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL”?
EB: shut up!!
EB: this is a very recent development.
EB: and i still feel pretty weird about it, to be honest!
CG: DAVE HAD A HUGE CRISIS WHEN HE FIGURED OUT HE WAS BISEXUAL, SO I UNDERSTAND.
CG: I MEAN, IT’S STILL FUCKING WEIRD THAT HUMANS THINK SAME-GENDER ATTRACTION IS SO ABNORMAL.
CG: BUT UH
CG: THANKS FOR TELLING ME, I GUESS?
EB: no problem.
EB: come to think of it, you deserved to know, since you and dave were the two who i kept denying my sexuality to.
EB: i’m glad you don’t have black feelings for me any more, because that would be really awkward!
CG: WHY, BECAUSE YOU MIGHT RECIPROCATE THEM?
EB: no!!!
EB: i don’t understand kismesisissitude and you know it!
CG: FIRST OF ALL, IT’S KISMESISSITUDE.
CG: SECOND OF ALL, YOU DEFINITELY HAD A BLACK CRUSH ON TEREZI.
EB: karkat i am gay!!
CG: OH. RIGHT.
CG: HM, I’M GOING TO HAVE TO RETHINK THAT THEN.
CG: ALSO, CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT MY CALIGINOUS SOLICITATION. MY FEELINGS ABOUT YOU NEVER LEANED THAT WAY, AND THEY NEVER WILL.
EB: which way do they lean then?
CG: ...
CG: THEY DON’T LEAN.
CG: THEY ARE COMPLETELY STRAIGHT, ERECT, AND IMOBILE.
CG: OH FUCK, WAS THAT AN INNUENDO.
EB: uh...
CG: LOOKS LIKE DAVE “FREUDIAN SLIPS UP YOUR ASS” STRIDER HAS RUBBED OFF ON ME ONCE AGAIN.
EB: hehehe
EB: also, as a newly realized gay person, i have an obligation to point out that you just said your feelings are “straight,” which is impossible because you are as queer as i am!
CG: LEAVE ME ALONE, IT WAS A FUCKING METAPHOR.
CG: WHAT WERE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?
EB: dave?
CG: OH YEAH.
CG: I’LL SEE IF I CAN GET HIM TO OPEN UP TO ME AT SOME POINT.
CG: CAN WE STOP TALKING NOW.
EB: hehe okay!

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

CG: I FUCKING HATE JOHN EGBERT.
GA: What Else Is New
CG: NOT IN THAT WAY!
CG: TELL ME KANAYA. WHY DO HUMANS NEVER UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT QUADRANTS, EVER.
GA: That Is A Sound Question
GA: However Rose Has Demonstrated A Remarkable Comprehension Of Troll Romance
CG: THAT’S BECAUSE ROSE IS NOT AN IDIOT. JOHN IS.
CG: WHY CAN’T HE SEE THAT I’M REALLY FUCKING PALE FOR HIM??
CG: I KEPT ASKING HIM ABOUT HIS EMOTIONS. IT WAS NOT VERY SUBTLE.
GA: He Probably Thought You Were Being A Good Friend
CG: OH MY GOD
CG: WAIT.
CG: KANAYA
CG: FUCK I DIDN’T EVEN THINK OF THIS
GA: What Is It
CG: DAVE ISN’T MY MATESPRIT.
CG: WE’RE IN A PAN-QUADRANT RELATIONSHIP, WHICH IS REALLY WEIRD TO THINK ABOUT, BUT I GUESS IT’S MORE OF A HUMAN THING.
CG: AT LEAST, THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN ASSUMING.
GA: Are You Afraid That Dave Might Consider Your Attraction To John Pale Infidelity
CG: I DON’T KNOW
CG: HE PROBABLY WOULDN’T EVEN CARE. HUMANS DON’T HAVE A CONCEPT OF PALE INFIDELITY.
GA: Yes From What I Understand Red Infidelity Is A Larger Concern In Human Culture
CG: HELL, WE’RE PLAYING SO FAST AND LOOSE WITH QUADRANTS, I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M UPSET ABOUT THIS.
GA: If You Would Like My Honest Opinion
GA: I Believe That The Concept Of Pale Infidelity Is Utter Bullshit
CG: YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT, BUT IT STILL FEELS WRONG.
CG: WOW! I JUST CAME IN HERE AND DUMPED MY FEELINGS ON YOU.
GA: Perhaps That Should Count As Pale Infidelity As Well
CG: SHUT UP.
CG: WE HAVEN’T TALKED IN DAYS, AND THEN SUDDENLY I CRASH INTO YOUR MESSAGES SCREAMING ABOUT JOHN.
CG: LET’S START OVER.
CG: HOW ARE YOU?
GA: I Am Doing Quite Well Thank You For Asking
GA: Im Living With Rose And Am Enjoying It Immensely
GA: I Have Also Been Aiding Jade With Space Aspect Related Tasks Such As Deciding The New Positions Of Buildings And Related Objects
CG: BUT YOU DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE SPACE POWERS, RIGHT? SINCE YOU NEVER WENT GOD TIER.
GA: That Doesnt Mean I Cant Help Her
GA: I Have A Feeling For These Things Even Without Ascending To God Tier
CG: MAKES SENSE.
CG: HOLD ON, SOMEONE ELSE IS TEXTING ME.
CG: LET’S CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION LATER?
GA: Yes Absolutely
GA: Nice To Hear From You Karkat

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

canisterCommander [CC] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CC: hello!
CC: can you guess who i am?
CG: HOLY FUCK
CG: IS THAT
CG: THE MAYOR??
CC: yes! with help from rose, i have acquired a chumhandle.
CG: I AM SO HAPPY, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.
CG: AM I THE FIRST PERSON YOU TEXTED?
CC: i first tried to contact dave, but he didn’t respond. i might have gotten his handle wrong, though.
CG: OH NO, HE’S JUST ASLEEP.
CC: i see! you seem very excited about all this.
CG: I AM!
CC: you can stop speaking in all caps now; i know you are just very happy but it strikes me as a little bit rude.
CG: OH
CG: HAHAHAHA
CG: SORRY MAYOR, THIS IS HOW I SPEAK.
CC: oh! is your caps lock button broken? that happened to me once! it was horrible.
CG: NOPE
CG: ALL TROLLS HAVE TYPING QUIRKS.
CG: MINE IS THAT I TEXT IN ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME.
CG: IT ISN’T MEANT TO BE RUDE. AT LEAST NOT USUALLY.
CC: interesting! thank you for letting me know.
CG: SO WHY DID YOU CHOOSE GREEN?
CC: i like the color green a lot. actually, i stole this particular shade from jake english. it just seemed suitable.
CC: why do you type in gray? is that another troll thing, or do you just like that color?
CG: MOST TROLLS TYPE IN THEIR BLOOD COLOR, BUT I DON’T.
CG: YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS WHY.
CC: ah yes, you didn’t want to expose yourself as a mutant?
CG: YEP.
CG: I’VE KEPT THE GRAY BECAUSE I’M USED TO IT.
CG: IF I TYPED IN RED, IT’D BE THE SAME COLOR AS DAVE’S TEXT, AND THAT WOULD BE A FUCKING DISASTER.
CC: wow, i didn’t realize that there were so many cultural conventions surrounding texting!
CC: what other quirks do trolls use?
CG: UHH
CG: THERE ARE LOTS
CG: KANAYA Capitalizes Every Word, TEREZI PUTS NUMB3RS 1NS34D OF L3TT3RS SOM3T1M3S, SOLLUX als0 d0es that, VRISKA overuses the num8er 8, GAMZEE SpOkE lIkE tHiS UNTIL HE CRACKED AND WENT SHITHIVE MAGGOTS AND TRIED TO KILL EVERYONE. ETC.
CG: IT’S SOMETIMES CONSIDERED RUDE TO USE OTHER PEOPLE’S QUIRKS, BUT I’M SURE IT’S FINE FOR DEMONSTRATION PURPOSES.
CG: IT’S INTERESTING THAT DESPITE THE DESTRUCTION OF ALTERNIA, WE’VE ALL STUCK TO OUR QUIRKS.
CC: that is interesting!
CC: would it make sense for me to develop a quirk? maybe i could play on the abbreviation of my chumhandle - replace every instance of the letter k with cc, for example.
CC: quircc
CG: UHH... NO. PLEASE DON’T.
CC: alright, nevermind in that case.
CC: i actually don’t remember what i wanted to talk to you about when i started pestering you! we went off on a bit of a tangent there.
CC: oh, dave has responded!
CG: HE’S AWAKE??
CG: OH YEAH, THERE HE IS.
CG: I GUESS I’LL TALK TO HIM AFTER YOU DO.
CG: BYE, MAYOR. THANKS FOR TEXTING ME, IT MADE MY DAY A LOT BETTER.
CC: no problem!

canisterCommander [CC] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Chapter Text

A light buzz in your pocket stirs you from your sleep. Someone is pestering you. Your neck aches from keeping the same position on the couch all night, and there’s nothing more you want to do than go back to sleep. Karkat’s no longer on the couch with you; he’s moved to go sit somewhere else in the room. You can see him out of the corner of your eye, typing on his laptop.

You doze off for a couple more minutes, but are finally pulled out of your slumber by another text. You fish your phone out of your pocket and open Pesterchum.

canisterCommander [CC] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CC: hello, dave! this is the mayor. rose helped me create a pesterchum account. i hope i got your handle right.
CC: karkat informs me that you are asleep - i hope you get some rest, and text me when you wake up!
TG: whoa holy shit thats awesome
CC: you’re awake!
CC: hello.
TG: your handle is great it fits you perfectly
CC: thank you! i tried to make it waywardVagabond, but for some reason it wouldn’t let me, so i chose this instead.
TG: nice
TG: oh brb karkat is scowling at me

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering canisterCommander [CC]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: DAVE, TAKE YOUR FUCKING MEDS.
TG: SHIT

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

You leap up from the couch and run into the kitchen, Karkat cracking up behind you. That explains why you’ve been feeling so shitty. Well, part of the reason, at least.

As the day goes by, you begin to feel better. You make an effort to talk with Karkat, and he seems to relax, though never mentions the events of the previous nights. You’re glad of it, but there’s still a nagging feeling in your gut, a part of you that’s telling you not to keep secrets from Karkat. It’s right, of course.

The two of you get to work cleaning up your house. It’s work that needed to be done at some point, after all, and now is as good a time as any—especially since it helps get your mind off the situation with Karkat and John. You alchemize a bigger couch and a bigger bed. You clean up or throw away a lot of the random shit that you don’t need anymore. You especially make sure to get rid of or replace anything that reminds you of Bro. After you’re done, you feel a little bit more safe. It’s finally starting to feel like your house.

Your mood is ruined when Karkat sits you down on the brand new couch and stares at you, a determined frown on his face.

“Dave.”

“What.”

“Before I start—I’m not mad at you, okay?”

You immediately feel worse. Fuck. Your heart is beating at an abnormal rate, but you manage to take a breath. “Okay?”

Karkat sighs. “If you’re going to have an impromptu sleepover at John’s hive, you could at least tell me the truth about where you’re going.”

Shit. Well, that’s that. You wonder who told him. You also wonder if he knows about… well, everything that actually happened at John’s house that night. He would’ve mentioned it if he did, probably, but still….

“Fuck, I—Karkat—I’m so sorry—John was just really stressed out, and I wanted to respect his privacy, but also if I just told you I was going over there with no explanation, you’d get suspicious or something, and—”

“Dave! Stop!” He grabs your shoulders and shakes you a little, making steady eye contact with your shades. “It’s fine. Really.”

“Really?”

“Really. John told me. I get it. It’s okay. But seriously, you have to be honest with me. If you’d said something like—oh, I don’t know— ‘Hey Karkat, I’m going over to John’s hive for a little while to talk with him about some shit he’s been dealing with’ —that’d be great.”

“Sorry,” you mutter again. You honestly don’t remember what was going through your head when you sent that message. Maybe you thought Karkat would be jealous. Or maybe you were anticipating something not-quite-platonic happening between you and John.

“I told you, I’m not angry. But can you tell me you’ll try to be honest in the future?”

“Yeah,” you whisper. “Yeah. Of course.”

Karkat watches you for a second, then his expression softens. He puts a hand behind your head and kisses you gently. God, you don’t deserve him. But will he be so lenient when he finds out about—

“You’re such a dumb fuck sometimes, Strider,” says Karkat when he pulls away, grinning. You can’t help but smile too.

Your phone buzzes. Your stomach plummets when you notice the text is from John.

“Who is it?” Karkat asks.

“John, actually.”

“Huh,” he replies, then, sensing you might want some privacy, wanders over to the newly-alchemized Smaller Couch at the other end of the room.

Your heart begins to beat quickly again.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: hey dave, are you okay?
EB: karkat told me he was worried about you.
EB: i’d say i want to see you again, and i really do, but we saw how that turned out last time...
TG: im fine
TG: quick question though
TG: why did you tell karkat that i was at your house the other night
EB: oh... yeah.
EB: sorry! i was talking with him and it just kind of came up.
TG: its fine we just talked about it
EB: oh good!
EB: yeah, i thought he should know.
EB: have you told him about... the other stuff yet?
TG: nope
EB: are you planning to?
TG: not really
EB: dammit dave!!
TG: hell probably find out one way or another tbh
TG: and then im fucked
EB: i’m sure he’d prefer it if you actually talked to him.
TG: yeah i told him id be honest with him but
TG: wow i just feel like a horrible person right now
TG: what if we just forgot about it and kept being normal friends who dont sleep together or make out in the middle of the night
EB: uh...
EB: i guess we could do that, but...
EB: real feelings talk for a second: i really love you dave, and i enjoyed our night together more than i ever would’ve expected!
EB: and as far as i can tell, you like me too.
EB: i don’t want to forget about it and move on! i mean, i will if i have to, but i still feel like there’s a way we can make this work.
EB: i’ve been researching polyamory and it’s a totally real and cool way to do a relationship. if karkat’s okay with it then we could be a happy poly triad and everybody could get what they want.
TG: hold up doesnt triad imply that you and karkat are together too
TG: or something like that
EB: um, yeah, that’s true...
TG: john do you like karkat
EB: i...
EB: i honestly don’t know!
EB: uh, we don’t have to be a triad! there are other ways to be polyamorous.
TG: yeah yeah i get it but
TG: john do you understand how fucking ironic it would be if you liked karkat too
TG: im actually on the verge of laughter this is really funny to me for some reason
TG: i BET karkat still likes you in some way shape or form he just wont admit it
TG: what do you think
EB: maybe he does?
EB: i don’t know, you know i’m clueless when it comes to these sorts of things.
TG: i ship it
TG: all aboard the johnkat train yeet yeet
TG: no wait
TG: i forgot the sound that trains make help me john
EB: hehehehe
EB: i have the sudden urge to keysmash... what does this mean
TG: john my dude
TG: it means youre becoming a fully fledged gay
EB: oh man
TG: cant escape the keysmash dude
TG: soon enough youll be saying lmao too
EB: i don’t know if i should be excited or terrified.
EB: hold on, i just got a message from kanaya.
EB: weird! i have not talked to her a lot.
TG: shes cool shes gay too
TG: you go talk to her ill do something with karkat
TG: john and kanaya talking is mlm wlw solidarity
EB: hehe ok!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Chapter Text

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

GA: Hello John
EB: oh hi kanaya!
EB: hehe dave is telling me that me talking to you is mlm/wlw solidarity.
GA: I Dont Know What Those Acronyms Mean But The Presence Of The Word Solidarity Causes Me To Question Them As Well As Your Intent
EB: what
EB: sorry kanaya, sometimes your speech is so convoluted that i have no idea what you’re trying to say!
EB: anyway, mlm stands for men loving men, and wlw is women loving women. or something like that!
EB: i’m very new to all the gay terminology.
GA: Im Not Sure If Our Conversation Would Count As Solidarity But I Assume Dave Is Likely Being Ironic As Usual
GA: Arent You Quote Not A Homosexual
EB: uhh... i did say that, but now i am gay.
EB: you’re a lesbian right?
GA: I Suppose My Orientation Could Be Classified As Such Yes
EB: cool!
GA: Anyway I Believe Congratulations Are In Order For Figuring Out Your Romantic Identity
EB: thanks!
EB: was there any reason you messaged me? or did you just want to say hi?
GA: Oh Yes
GA: Karkat Was Concerned About Your Emotional State
GA: If You Are Comfortable Doing So I Think He Would Be Very Grateful If You Talked To Him About It
GA: And Maybe Even
GA: Asked Him How Hes Doing
GA: ;)
GA: I Made A Silly Smile Just For You Thus Departing From My Norm Of Foregoing All Punctuation
GA: Youre Welcome
EB: uhh... thanks?
EB: somehow i suddenly have no idea what’s going on.
EB: i’ll talk to karkat, i guess!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

EB: hey karkat, what’s up?
CG: OH HEY
CG: ...
EB: what
CG: WHAT
EB: kanaya said i should talk to you!
CG: DID SHE NOW.
EB: uhh, yeah...?
EB: she said you were concerned about my “Emotional State”?
CG: UH
CG: YOU COULD SAY THAT
EB: well, i wanted to let you know that i’m okay!
EB: ...you weren’t worrying about me, were you?
CG: I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU, EGBERT.
EB: okay...
EB: wow! this is awkward!
CG: YES, THANK YOU FOR SPELLING IT OUT AND MAKING IT MORE AWKWARD. THAT WAS DEFINITELY THE BEST POSSIBLE THING YOU COULD DO.
EB: hmm, i’m seriously contemplating making it more awkward.
CG: DON’T.
CG: WELL
CG: OH, WHAT THE HELL. BRING IT ON.
EB: ok, i’m about to make it more awkward than you ever thought it could be!
EB: do you like me, karkat?
CG: WHAT THE NOOKWHIFFING FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN.
EB: um...
EB: do you have romantic feelings for me?
CG: WHERE WOULD YOU GET THAT IDEA. I’VE TOLD YOU MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT THAT I’M COMPLETELY OVER MY STUPID CALIGINOUS CRUSH.
EB: you’re not denying it :p
CG: YOU’RE RIGHT, THIS IS TRULY MORE AWKWARD THAN I EVER THOUGHT IT COULD BE. THANKS, EGBERT.
EB: karkat i am trying to ask you a question!!
EB: this is important.
CG: JOHN, WHATEVER MY FEELINGS FOR YOU ARE - AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THEY ARE NOT BLACK - I AM DATING YOUR FRIEND DAVE STRIDER AND THEREFORE NOTHING ROMANTIC COULD EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US, EVER.
CG: IF FOR WHATEVER MORONIC REASON YOU’VE SOMEHOW DECIDED THAT YOU’RE RED FOR ME, I’M FLATTERED, BUT VERY MUCH NOT INTERESTED.
CG: IS THAT ENOUGH OF AN ANSWER FOR YOU.
EB: ...you literally didn’t answer my question, but go off i guess.
CG: HAS DAVE BEEN TEACHING YOU EARTH MEMES AGAIN
EB: arghhhh look at that!! you just avoided the question again.
EB: i guess i’ll just have to ask kanaya about it, because she sure seems to know what your feelings are!
CG: WAIT WHAT
CG: WHAT DID SHE SAY TO YOU.
EB: i’ll tell you if you answer my fucking question!!!
CG: AKSJLAHKFSKHAJS
CG: WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN
EB: do you like me. yes or no.
CG: IT’S MORE COMPLICATED THAN YES OR NO, FUCKASS.
EB: explain?
CG: LET’S JUST SAY I *THOUGHT* I WAS PALE FOR YOU.
CG: BUT OF COURSE, LIKE ALWAYS, MY EMOTIONS REFUSE TO CONFORM TO A QUADRANT.
EB: oh that’s the friendship one right?
CG: HEY JOHN? FUCK YOU.
CG: MOIRALLEGIANCE IS NOT FRIENDSHIP. IT IS MUCH MORE COMPLICATED, AND YOUR TRIVIALIZATION OF SUCH AN IMPORTANT QUADRANT MAKES ME SICK.
CG: MOIRAILS ARE MEANT TO PACIFY EACH OTHER, BUT MORE GENERALLY TO HELP EACH OTHER AND ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER TO GROW.
CG: I HAVE HEARD IT LIKENED TO A “PLATONIC SOULMATE,” WHICH IS ACTUALLY NOT ENTIRELY INCORRECT.
EB: and once again, the conversation turns into “karkat infodumps about quadrants.”
EB: but it’s kind of interesting, actually, don’t worry!
EB: you want to be my moirail?
CG: READ OVER OUR ENTIRE CONVERSATION THUS FAR AND TELL ME IF YOU THINK I HAVE ANY IDEA.
EB: so you don’t know.
CG: NO FUCKING CLUE.
CG: YOU’RE A ROMANTIC ENIGMA, JOHN EGBERT.
CG: THERE’S THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION.
CG: AND WITH THAT, I WILL DEPART.
EB: wait!
CG: WHAT.
EB: i
EB: hm.
EB: i’ve been thinking about it a lot...
EB: actually, never mind.
CG: NO, DO GO ON.
EB: um
CG: ARE YOU ABOUT TO CONFESS THAT YOU “LIKE” ME? BECAUSE THAT WAS PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS.
EB: was it??
EB: no wait i
EB: that isn’t what i meant to say!
EB: i mean, i don’t see how one could read our conversation and get from it that i have a crush on you!
EB: not that i actually have a crush on you.
CG: OH, PLEASE. YOU’RE TALKING TO THE ROMANCE EXPERT HERE.
EB: the “romance expert” who can’t get his feelings for me straight?
EB: ehehehe straight
CG: STOP BEING GAY FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND AND
CG: NO WAIT, THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION IS SO GAY, WHAT AM I EVEN TALKING ABOUT.
EB: is that you admitting that your side of the conversation was gay too?
CG: SO YOURS WAS?
EB: i never said that!!
EB: wow, we are just going around in circles here.
EB: i think you like me, and you think i like you...
CG: YOU THINK I LIKE YOU?
EB: you did do an awful lot of skirting around my initial question!
EB: maybe the solution is that we both like each other and we should just admit it.
EB: actually, no. that’s so stupid, why would i even say that.
CG: I THINK WE SHOULD JUST STOP TALKING NOW.
EB: good idea.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: i just had the most awkward conversation with karkat!!
TG: oh he was talking to you was he
TG: hes been blushing really fuckin hard
EB: oh my god.
TG: what happened did he finally declare his undying love for you
EB: um...
EB: i sort of tried to get him to do that, but he kept skirting around all my questions!
EB: i wasn’t much better though.
EB: hold on i’ll just send you the conversation.
EB: karkatisgayforme.txt
TG: wow how much more obvious can he get
EB: ikr!!
TG: so tell me do you like him
EB: uh...
TG: nope you are not being coy about this mister you have to tell me
TG: of all people i am the one who mosts deserves to know
EB: i told you, i don’t know!
EB: the more i think about it though, the more i think i might...
EB: actually, the same thing happened when i was wondering whether or not i liked you! maybe that’s a sign.
EB: whoa, does that mean we’re both polyamorous now?
TG: lmao yup
TG: and karkat is too probably
EB: wow.
EB: i didn’t even know i was gay a couple days ago, and now i like two whole boys!
EB: more or less.
TG: ok john
TG: ive got a plot brewing in my head
EB: yes??
TG: so what were gonna do is set you up with karkat
TG: make him admit his love to you or some shit
TG: and THEN when hes having a dilemma about me vs you ill come up and tell him about what happened between us
TG: and propose the whole poly solution
EB: oh man, that sounds really exciting.
EB: there’s just one problem though.
EB: i really really think you have to tell him first. the more you wait the worse it’s gonna be for both of you.
EB: i understand your feelings about it but the fact of the matter is you were kind of cheating on your boyfriend!
EB: and that was partly my fault, but still...
EB: i think that needs to be addressed before we do anything else.
TG: oof man i know
TG: but also like
TG: what if i tell him and he gets mad at you and doesnt like you anymore
EB: oh dear
EB: he might be mad temporarily, but i don’t think he’ll keep being mad.
EB: oh hey...
EB: what if i tell him?
TG: about the incident you mean
TG: oh shit
TG: i mean itd be less pressure for me but
TG: you told him about us spending the night together and then he accused me of being dishonest
TG: ok thats a shitty way to put it i was totally being dishonest and he was right
TG: what i mean to say is like
TG: its gotta be me
TG: because ive gotta be the one to be honest with him yknow
TG: if he hears it from you it isnt my decision
TG: but
TG: not yet
EB: hm
EB: after you set him up with me you mean?
TG: yeah
EB: i don’t know!
EB: we might need some outsider help on this.
TG: oh yeah like the mayor
EB: the mayor?
TG: yeah i told him about it
EB: oh
EB: i was thinking someone like rose.
TG: oh god shed mock me so hard for this
EB: she’s very mature and i think she might be helpful!
TG: ok cool you can talk to her if you like
TG: imma go be friendly with karkat
TG: and by friendly i mean binge cartoons and make out
TG: i was kinda depressed and sucky to him yesterday so i want to make up for that
EB: sounds good to me!
EB: bye dave.
EB: love you!
TG: oh yeah love you too man

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Chapter Text

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

EB: rose!!!
EB: oh man do i have some things to talk to you about!
TT: Are these the same “things” you were talking to Kanaya about?
EB: you knew i was talking to kanaya?
TT: Yes, she mentioned it.
TT: How can I help you?
EB: i am in a complicated romantic situation and i need someone emotionally mature to help me with it!
TT: I’m honored that you consider me emotionally mature, although you’re not entirely correct to call me such. I’m a mentally fucked up teenager like the rest of us.
TT: How complicated is the situation?
EB: very complicated!
EB: it’s a real life love triangle. sort of.
TT: Interesting. Can you summarize it briefly?
EB: uhh... maybe?
EB: first of all...
EB: surprise! i’m gay.
EB: wow the more times i say that the easier it is!
TT: !!
TT: I won’t pretend I hadn’t privately been suspecting it, but thank you for telling me nonetheless.
EB: ...you thought i was gay before?
TT: Please, John. One can only say “I am not a homosexual” so many times before it becomes suspicious.
TT: So, who is the target of your affection? I am going to hazard a guess and say Dave.
EB: correct!
EB: but um
EB: it’s more complicated than that.
EB: basically:
EB: i like dave and dave likes me and we kissed like two nights ago and karkat still doesn’t know but both of us are polyamorous and both like karkat and we’re both pretty sure karkat likes me
EB: that’s the short version.
TT: Holy shit.
EB: yeah it’s been a wild time over here in the land of gay boys and confusion.
EB: logbac
EB: dave wants to set me up with karkat and make him admit he likes me and then propose the polyam solution but i want him to tell karkat about the kiss because he deserves to know and then depending on karkat’s reaction work it out from there
TT: I have to say, that is a lot to wrap my head around.
TT: Tell Karkat first.
TT: That’s my advice.
EB: yes, that’s the obvious thing to do, but dave strider is too goddamn awkward and does not like to talk about his feelings!
EB: maybe he’ll do it if you tell him to??
TT: Knowing Dave, that isn’t likely.
TT: He’ll want to take the path that’s more convoluted, but ultimately less emotionally strenuous for him.
EB: you’re so right
EB: i mean...
EB: the more i think about it, the more his plan actually makes sense?
EB: maybe i’m just eager to get karkat to like me, but it seems the least risky idea. and the one that’s most likely to accomplish the end goal.
TT: I suppose it’s the least “risky” for you and Dave, but what about Karkat?
TT: It doesn’t seem fair to keep him in the dark.
EB: you could see it as like, playing an elaborate prank on him!
TT: Yes, but pranks usually don’t involve such emotionally charged situations.
EB: i know...
EB: ugh it would be so much easier to just straight up talk to karkat about this!!
EB: like, get me and him and dave in a room together and talk about our feelings in person.
TT: I think that’s exactly what you should do.
EB: you think so??
TT: Open communication is the best way to solve problems like this, in my experience.
TT: Kanaya and I always talk through our arguments, and it’s suited us very well.
EB: will dave agree though?
TT: Don’t tell him about it. Just arrive at their house and force them to confront you face-to-face.
EB: hell yeah, sounds good
EB: thank you rose!
TT: No problem.
TT: Good luck.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TT: Have you heard about the polyamorous love triangle situation between three of our favorite queer boys?
TG: no????? :OOO
TG: oh.....
TG: is it dave
TT: Yes, and John, and Karkat.
TG: oh DAMN
TG: sounds like a thing i would love to hear about
TT: I don’t think I should be the one to tell you.
TT: I actually came to ask about your personal polyamorous love triangle situation.
TG: oh... that
TG: tis a situation all right!
TT: Have there been any recent developments?
TG: uhh.. i almost confessed to callie but then i chickened out :/
TG: also i have nooo idea how shed take it
TG: i tihnk she feels like shes undeserving of affection or smth?
TT: Oh dear.
TG: yea..
TG: OH! but some good news.....
TG: jane came out as bi :D
TT: Well, congrats to her!
TT: Is anyone here actually straight? Or is Earth C a haven for the gays?
TG: umm i thought john was straight but apparently not anymore lol
TG: what about jade?
TT: Jade’s pan.
TG: wow!!
TG: o yea bc shes dating davepeta right
TT: Sort of. The situation has yet to be resolved, due to Davepeta’s involvement in the fight against Lord English.
TT: Hopefully they’ll come back soon. Jade has been worried.
TT: The same goes for Vriska - I spoke to Terezi the other day, and while she enjoys living alone for now, I believe she’d be more comfortable if Vriska were with her.
TG: oof
TG: idk whats up with the whole lord english thing anymore but i hope vriska and davepeta are safe
TT: Me too.
TG: heyyyy rose
TG: speakin of all this gay stuff
TG: i have a thing to tell you?
TT: Yes?
TG: hmm
TG: i THINK
TG: i might be gay
TG: instead of bi
TG: because....
TG: i sorta had a crush on dirk right? but ive been thinking abt it and tbh i think it was more of like a compolsary hetero thing
TG: *compulsory?
TG: like we were the last 2 people on earth so i got it into my head that we HAD to get together and HAD to make babies and regrow the human race or w/e
TG: and i mean dirk is awesome and stuff so it wasnt hard for me to pretend my feelings were romantic instead of platonic
TG: but hes gay.... so it wouldnt work out... but i kept thinking about it
TG: and now that ive got callie and jane and hes starting to clear things up with jake
TG: i dont feel like i have to pretend to like him anymore
TG: WOW speech over thnks for comin to my ted talk
TT: Yes, it makes sense that a situation like that would force you into a mindset of compulsory heterosexuality.
TT: Thank you for telling me.
TT: In fact, you’re the second person who’s come out to me as gay today.
TG: whos the other?
TT: John.
TG: oh yeah ofc :0
TG: hey hold on daves pestering me
TT: Sounds like a chance to ask him about his own poly situation.
TG: hell yea
TG: hey did u have anything else to ask me abt?
TG: we can keep talking if you want i am VERY good at multitasking 8)
TT: Nothing in particular comes to mind.
TG: ok! bye rose

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

turntechGodhead [TG2] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TG2: yo mom
TG2: ROXY SHIT I MEAN ROXY
TG2: aw im tg2 again
TG: heheh yeah i made it default to tg2 when ur pestering me
TG: so i hear youve got a “polyamorous love triangle situation” too??
TG2: wait how do you know that
TG: ive got insider sources babbey
TG: esp one rose lalonde 8)
TG2: oh yeah john said he was gonna talk to her about it
TG2: and i guess its fine if you know already because thats literally why i pestered you in the first place
TG2: but dont go spreading it around ok
TG: yeah ofc not!
TG: so you wanted to talk to me about it??
TG2: yeah
TG2: its kinda complicated so i wont explain the whole thing but
TG2: ive got a plot
TG: ooh a plot?
TG2: yeah to get karkat to admit his love for john
TG: :000
TG2: i literally just need them alone together and
TG2: wait karkats yelling at me brb
TG: so am i a part of this plan or did u just want to tell me abt it bc im a fellow polyam person?
TG2: the second thing
TG2: sorry gtg karkats making me watch a movie with him yet again
TG2: why does this always happen to our conversations
TG2: but yeah weve been watching cartoons all afternoon but i think he just wants another excuse to cuddle with me
TG: awww
TG: so ur gonna do the plan tomorrow or what?
TG2: yeah i think
TG2: depends on some stuff though
TG2: OH SHIT SHIT
TG2: ABORT MISSION ABORT ABORT
TG2: HUGE change of plans you are suddenly relevant roxy
TG: ????
TG2: john literally just turned up at my house
TG2: im in my room i need you to get me out of here
TG: with my voidy powers?
TG2: yes please right now would be great
TG2: ill explain later i think i know what johns up to and its not good
TG: ok....

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG2]

Chapter Text

Your name is John Egbert, and you know exactly what you’re doing. You’re going to zap into Dave’s house, sit him and Karkat down, and talk through ALL of your feelings until you’ve come to a solution that works for everyone. And then maybe stay at their house for the night. You are 500% up for doing some major cuddling with your two best bros.

You appear right in the middle of the living room, just as Karkat is yelling about some movie. He freezes when he sees you, momentary panic flashing across his face.

“Hi, John,” he says, eyes wide like a deer in the headlights.

“Hi Karkat!” you reply airily (hehehe). “Where’s Dave?”

“He won’t come out of his room,” growls Karkat in the direction of Dave’s room. There’s no response. “You wanted to join us for movie night?”

“Not really! I just wanted to talk about some stuff with you guys.”

“Oh,” says Karkat. He glances at you, then walks into the hall and bangs on Dave’s door. “Come out, assface!”

You half expect Dave to burst out and yell “I’M GAY” or something along those lines, but the room remains silent. Karkat opens the door and scans the room. Dave is nowhere to be seen.

“He was in here two minutes ago,” mutters Karkat, checking the closet.

“He could be in the bathroom?”

“Nope, he hasn’t opened that door in like an hour.”

“When did you last see him?”

“We watched some TV together, then he shut himself up in here to text some people.” Karkat jabs the space bar on Dave’s computer, possibly hoping to find chat logs or something, but all that comes up when the computer wakes is a password request.

“Maybe he time travelled somewhere?”

“He doesn’t like to time travel.”

Oh yeah. You knew that. You sit on Dave’s bed (it looks like a brand new one) and tap your feet absentmindedly, looking around at the posters on the walls. Karkat finally clears his throat, and your attention snaps back to him. Okay, suddenly it’s awkward again, because you’re actually making eye contact now. You try to focus instead on his eyebrows, or his lips—no, that’s even worse.

“What did you want to talk to him about?” asks Karkat.

“Feelings stuff.”

He shrugs. “You could talk about it with me.”

You laugh. “No thanks. We saw how that went earlier.”

Karkat’s cheeks flush a darker gray. “Let’s not talk about that,” he says in a slightly quieter voice than usual.

Hold on a second. A sudden explanation for Dave’s disappearance crashes into your brain. Did he want to get you and Karkat alone together? Is this part of his elaborate plot? Whatever the case, you’re tempted to go along with it.

“Why?” You flash him a smile. “Are you afraid you’re going to admit you like me?”

“We are NOT talking about this!” yells Karkat, the blush spreading farther across his face. “Really, Egbert, you are not being very subtle about your… feelings for me.”

“Who says there are any feelings?” You decide not to point out that he immediately started talking about it after he said he wouldn’t.

Karkat groans and holds up the DVD that’s been clutched in his hand the entire time. It’s an old-looking movie called Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. You think you’ve heard of it before, but haven’t actually seen it. “Let’s just shut up watch a fucking movie. I was going to watch this with Dave, but now that you’re here….”

Movie night with Karkat? If what happened to Dave was any indication, that’s the first step to eventually dating him. You follow him into the living room and flop down on the couch as Karkat, looking grateful that he has something to look at that isn’t your face, sets up the movie. While it’s loading, he sits down next to you, making sure that none of your clothes or body parts are brushing together.

While not a romcom, Bill and Ted is a comedy, and both of you find yourselves completely forgetting about your romantic dilemmas, laughing your asses off at the time travel shenanigans of two high school history students. You’re sad Dave isn’t here to see it—as an experienced time traveller, he would probably get a kick out of it. Well. You’re technically a time traveller too. But somehow that’s different. And besides, you’re a wind god, not a time god.

The movie certainly lightens Karkat’s mood, and a little under halfway through, he leans against you, your sides and shoulders touching. In response, you rest your head against his. He doesn’t move, but you can feel him tense up very slightly. Soon enough, to your relief, he relaxes into you. You can feel his vibrations in your chest when he laughs.

How have you fallen so deeply in a matter of hours? Yesterday, if prompted, you would’ve called Karkat your good friend. Now, as you’re sitting next to him, hyper-aware of his every movement, you realize three things.

One: it’s not like the bond between you is something new. He was an annoyance, and then an accomplice, and then a tentative friend, helping you through the trials that Sburb threw at you, because he knew what you were going through and wanted to help. You shared similar experiences—as he was the leader of his team, you were the leader of yours, more or less. You began to care deeply about him. You still do.

Two: you’ve always wanted to know him better. You feel like Dave and Karkat, having spent so much time together, understand each other so well, are so in sync… you don’t want to feel like a third wheel; you want to be a part of that.

Three: you really want to kiss him.

Thinking about it, it’s no wonder your feelings developed into a crush so quickly. It’s always been there, just under the surface of your emotions. Like with Dave, it just took coming to terms with your sexuality to bring it out.

You’re having too many thoughts. It’s distracting you from the movie. You stand abruptly, announce that you have to go to the bathroom, and take off down the hall, leaving Karkat scrambling to pause the film.

The bathroom is a lot smaller than you imagined. You sit down, leaning against the door, and take out your phone.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: where the fuck are you, dave!!
TG: surprised you didnt ask earlier
TG: hows it going
TG: you bonding with karkat yet
EB: uh, i guess, we’re watching a movie together.
TG: nice nice
TG: movies are a good bondage method
TG: FUCK i meant bonding
EB: hehe
EB: so this was your plot to get karkat to admit his feelings for me?
TG: uh
TG: tbh it didnt go the way id planned at all but thats what its turned into yeah
EB: how did you disappear so fast?
TG: shh dont worry about that
TG: just enjoy your time with karkat
EB: uhh, ok!
EB: this isn’t what i had planned either!
EB: i was going to come over and talk with both of you about all the poly stuff, but then you disappeared...
TG: yeah trust me ive got a plan
TG: lmao karkats texting me im just telling him i went on an impromptu trip to the mayors
TG: which isnt actually a lie because thats where i am right now
EB: has karkat said anything about me?
TG: nope
TG: well not beyond just I’M WATCHING A MOVIE WITH JOHN
TG: has anything romantic happened between you
EB: um...
EB: not really? i don’t know how you’d define a romantic thing.
EB: also...
EB: hm.
EB: i can’t help feeling like this whole plot is a little bit manipulative!
EB: i can’t make him have a crush on me, and i don’t want to keep pushing...
EB: what if he doesn’t like me?
TG: dont worry about it im sure he does
EB: are you just saying that because you really hope he does?
EB: because the plan would be ruined if he doesn’t?
TG: i guess
TG: but yeah youre right you shouldnt push him
TG: hed appreciate honesty i think
EB: but i don’t want to outright say, “hey karkat! i love you!” or anything like that!
EB: ugh i don’t know
EB: we’ll see how it works out, i guess?
TG: tell me when i can come back
EB: come back now! free me from this awkwardness!!!
EB: i still think there are better ways to do this.
TG: well this is the way its happening so take advantage of it
EB: sigh. i guess you’re right.
EB: sometimes you are really stupid and stubborn.
TG: you just realized that
EB: shut up!
EB: i should probably go continue the movie
TG: yeah karkat says he really likes it
TG: he still hasnt mentioned you btw
EB: ok, i’m gonna go. bye!
TG: seeya

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

You stand up, take a deep breath, and walk back into the living room. Karkat is on his phone, but he hastily puts it away when you enter. You’re about to start the movie up again, when Karkat speaks.

“Hey. John.”

You turn, still standing. “Yeah?”

“You realize I do have a boyfriend, right?”

Your heart leaps into your throat. You nod.

Karkat sighs. “Look. You’ve been blatantly flirting with me the entire afternoon. And I mean… it’s not like it makes me uncomfortable in any meaningful way. What the fuck, if I’m being honest, it’s actually kinda funny. But I do have a boyfriend.”

“Dave said it was okay,” you blurt, and Karkat’s eyebrows shoot up. Shit.

“He—what??”

“Never mind!” you start, but Karkat jumps to his feet, his expression a mixture of confusion and disbelief. But not anger, actually. He’s not mad at you.

“No, Egbert, you are not getting out of this one. Give my think pan a moment to process the implications of that statement.”

“Do you know what polyamory is?” You don’t want to give him a moment to come to the wrong conclusions. You want to fix this, now.

“Uh… no?”

“It’s when you want to be in a relationship with more than one person. It’s, uh. It’s something I’ve been talking about with Dave. A bit!”

“Okay,” says Karkat. Then suddenly he realizes what you’re saying, and his eyes widen. “That’s normal??”

“What?”

“Having red feelings for more than one person? That’s something humans do?”

“Uh, yeah… and trolls, too, I bet.”

“And Dave’s okay with that?”

“Yeah, totally!”

Karkat is silent for about five seconds, contemplating. Then he shakes his head and sits down. “Fascinating. Let’s keep watching. I am liking this movie a lot.”

You’re amazed that Karkat didn’t ask more (about polyamory, about your conversations with Dave, about your now-obvious feelings for him, hell, even about your relationship with Dave), but you unpause the movie and sit down next to him, feeling slightly light-headed.

You quickly forget your anxiety. It turns out that the second half of Bill and Ted is even more hilarious, and the two of you laugh so hard you almost can’t hear the movie at times. You wish Dave was here with you. The three of you would have so much fun.

It’s dark outside now. You wonder what time it is. Your late-night giddiness is sure to kick in at some point, even though it’s probably only 8 or 9.

You finish the movie. It’s actually pretty short. But Karkat is in a much better mood now. The two of you animatedly recount your favorite moments (“Napoleon and the ice cream!” “The society based on awful rock music!” “Joan of Arc doing that fitness dancing thing!” “The entire ending!!”) until you’re out of breath. (Well, you’re not really. You’re an Heir of Breath. You always have breath.)

“Did Dave say when he was coming back?” you ask absentmindedly when your giggles have died down.

Karkat frowns. “How did you know I was talking with Dave?”

“I guessed?”

“Well, no, he didn’t. He’ll come back when he’s ready, I guess.”

“So what do we do in the meantime?”

“Watch another movie?”

“Maybe.”

“Is there anything else to do?”

“We could talk,” you suggest.

“About what? About what you were gonna talk about with Dave?” His tone is somewhat dismissive, but he can’t hide his curiosity.

“I… maybe? What do you want to talk about?”

Karkat is silent for a second, staring at the blue screen of the TV, which now displays a menu of viewing options. It’s the only light in the room.

“Let’s start with the elephant in the room. Do you like me, John?”

Butterflies multiply in your stomach. “I—of course I do!”

He groans. “You know what I mean. Like, in a red way.”

“Okay,” you say. “Okay. Yeah.”

“Good to know.” Pause. “Thanks.”

You look over at him, desperately trying to gauge his reaction, but his eyes are still fixed on the TV. Your heart pounds.

When Karkat finally speaks, his voice is so low it could almost qualify as a whisper. But it doesn’t waver; he’s confident in what he’s saying. He’s decided to tell you the truth.

“I was so sure you were going to be my kismesis. You were destined to be my kismesis. Never mind that you were a useless human who couldn’t hate me if he tried. Never mind that I’d never had real caliginous feelings for anyone before. And I guess… part of what made me so angry was that, as per fucking usual, my feelings refused to fit into one quadrant. But I lumped them all together and called them black infatuation. Fast forward to now. We briefly talked about my whole romantic confusion, and… well.”

He finally turns to you, and his brow is furrowed, eyes narrowed slightly. “Do you know how fucking frustrating this is for me? It was bad enough with Dave, but now I’ve got even more red and pale feelings swirling around in my pan, and even the vestiges of black ones—and on top of that, a whole shitload of guilt, plus a healthy dollop of emotional suppression, because I’ve got a boyfriend, dammit, and—oh, fuck, I have been talking way too much, Dave’s rubbed off on me I guess—”

Karkat stops all of a sudden, meeting your eyes. You once again notice your shoulders and thighs are touching his.

“I think that was a very productive talk!” you say, because holy shit, what do you do after someone dumps something like that on you. “Thanks… thanks for telling me.”

“No problem,” mutters Karkat. His cheeks are dark, and his gaze has lowered.

“Does it feel good to get it out?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Cool.”

He lets out a breath. “Well. We talked. What do you want to do now?”

“I kind of want to kiss you.”

You only realize that you just said that aloud (holy fuck, what are you thinking) when Karkat’s eyebrows shoot up and his eyes snap back to your face. “You—what??”

“Sorry!!” you yell, scrambling away from him, but Karkat puts a hand on your shoulder, staring at you with an expression you’ve never seen before.

“No, we could do that,” he says.

“What? Really?”

“I mean, we’ve literally just been talking about all our feelings for each other.”

“I… I guess so….”

Karkat smirks, scooting closer to you and putting both arms around your shoulders. You almost shudder. Is this really happening??

“Karkat, I don’t want to push you into anything—I know you said you were feeling conflicted, and I—”

“John. Shut up.”

Then Karkat’s lips are on yours, and you can’t think anymore. He holds you tight like you might dissolve into air at any moment, but he’s incredibly slow and gentle. And warm. Man, he is so warm. You wrap your arms around his chest and press closer, feeling his breathing and his wild heartbeat. He moves his hands up to your face, and his skin is a bit coarser than you expected, but his palms feel wonderful against your cheek.

It’s different than kissing Dave, though you can’t exactly explain how. Maybe it’s because the circumstances are so different. For Dave, it was like a giddy late-night rush of overwhelming emotion. Here, the atmosphere feels calmer, more contained—but no less passionate.

There’s a knock on the door. The two of you fly apart.

Karkat dashes across the room, blushing furiously, and opens the front door. Rather unexpectedly, he leads none other than the Mayor into the living room, flicking on the lights as he enters. You’re quite sure your face is scarlet.

The Mayor raises his hands and signs what looks like a question. You haven’t been able to figure out much Carapacian Sign Language, which is too bad—you’ve been looking forward to having a conversation with the Mayor ever since you realized he was still alive. And especially ever since you realized that he was in fact the same person who communicated directly with your brain via a weird Skaian text terminal on post-apocalyptic Earth. At some point you really need to get his whole story straight.

But you’re not really thinking about that right now—you’re more worried about 1. whether or not the Mayor has noticed how embarrassed both you and Karkat look, and 2. the fact that Karkat literally just kissed you, which means that your poly plot with Dave might just work out.

“You’re not interrupting anything,” says Karkat, his voice back to its usual volume. “We already finished our movie.”

The Mayor looks between your face, Karkat’s, and the TV screen, thinking. He signs another question. Karkat’s cheeks, if possible, go even darker.

“Mayor, you know I love you, but quite frankly that’s none of your fucking business. OR DAVE’S BUSINESS,” he adds, mortified, as the Mayor poses a follow-up question.

“Do you know where Dave is?” you ask, forcing your face into a neutral expression rather than a horrified one. Well, you assume it’s horrified. Either that or lovestruck.

Karkat translates as the Mayor answers your question. “He says that Dave’s… on his way. He just came first to make sure we were doing all right? Dave could’ve done that himself—”

But before the Mayor can add anything else, there’s another knock, and your heart beats even faster because this time you know who it is. Karkat yells “shit!” and pushes the Mayor, who’s grinning, towards the door.

“Hey,” says Dave, high-fiving the Mayor as he leaves, the beginnings of a smirk on his face. “Did you miss me?”

Chapter Text

Your name is Dave Strider, and you’ve just spent the last few hours at the houses of Roxy and the Mayor. You had a nice time filling in Roxy on all the crazy shit that’s been going down between you, Karkat, and John, as well as helping her with her own gay poly crisis. But you had to return to your house at some point.

The Mayor wanted to say hi as well. You made him go first. Just because. Not because you were scared or anything. Not because you were worried that John and Karkat hadn’t been getting along, or that John had left, or anything like that. Not because you still didn’t have the courage to face the two of them together, or because the last time you’d seen John in person was after you’d kissed him goodbye and left his house.

But now the three of you are here, in a room, and the Mayor is grinning and heading out the door, and both Karkat and John look absolutely terrified, as if caught in the act of doing something they shouldn’t. You can’t help but smile a bit.

“Dave!” says Karkat, exchanging his guilty face for a sort of twisted glare. “Where the fuck were you??”

“I told you, I was with the Mayor. Chill out, a dude’s gotta see his other friends sometimes. But at least the two of you got to spend some time together?”

The two boys share a glance. “Yeah!” says John. “It was great.”

“And now John is going to leave.” Karkat grabs John’s arm and tries to tug him off the couch, but John won’t budge. “Wow! Dave’s back and it’s late and we don’t have room for you in our—anywhere. To sleep. Don’t have anywhere for you to sleep. Bye! Nice having you!”

“Karkat! Stop it!” John frees himself from Karkat’s grip, grabs him around the waist, and pulls him onto the couch. Karkat yelps and hastily scrambles away from John, purposefully sitting so that there’s a good foot of distance in between the two of them.

You pretend not to notice, grabbing a chair (one of the few that you alchemized earlier in the day) and pulling it up so you’re sitting across from the couch. There’s silence as the three of you watch each other, waiting for someone to speak. Karkat looks anxious; John looks vaguely amused.

“So?” says Karkat after a second, gesturing to your chair. “What are we doing? Sitting here and contemplating existence?”

“Nope. We’re going to sort out this fucker of a situation.”

Karkat’s cheeks darken. “What situation? There’s no situation.”

“There kind of is,” John says quietly. He isn’t looking at Karkat anymore.

“Well, are you feeling charitable enough to explain it to me, or—?”

John looks at you, a sudden determination on his face. “Dave, you go first.”

You don’t want to go first. But of course, you have to—it’s your job to explain the incident that started this whole fucking thing. Karkat’s eyes are narrowed, but his gaze holds more curiosity than anything. You swallow nervously, and turn to your boyfriend.

“A couple nights ago, I went over to John’s house to talk over some sexuality stuff. And I ended up staying there. You knew that.”

“Yeah.”

“But, uh. Some other stuff happened.”

“Other stuff,” repeats Karkat.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

You glance at John for help. “Your turn, buddy.”

“What? No—”

“You started it.”

“Uh….” John sighs. “Okay. So uh. I told Dave I was gay, right? And we talked about that. And—” He stops suddenly. “Why do we need to do this part first?”

“Because we have to tell the story from the beginning!”

“Can’t we just do the feelings and the solutions first, and then the actual stuff that happened?”

“Guys,” Karkat says, “what the fuck is going on.”

You’re about to speak, but John cuts you off. His voice is high and nervous. “Remember when I told you what polyamory is?”

“Yeah?”

“We want to have a poly triad. Me and Dave. And you. If that’s okay with you.”

Understanding dawns on Karkat’s face. He looks between you and John. “Oh. Oh!”

“That night,” you begin, because goddammit, you have to finish the story, “John confessed that he liked me. And I, well. My crush on him had begun to resurface. So I kissed him. And we spent the night together.”

“But not in a sexual way!”

“Yeah, not like that. And I had no fucking clue how to tell you, but you basically gave me permission to leave the house for the night, so we just had an impromptu sleepover. Uh. In his bed. But I felt like shit because I still loved you and wanted to stay with you—”

“I told him to tell you about it but he was being stupid about it—”

“I just thought things would work themselves out, and also I was pretty sure that you liked John, so—”

“Which we just confirmed, and I like you, which you know—”

“Guys!!” yells Karkat, and the two of you fall silent. “Will you shut up for one fucking second and let me get this straight.”

“Not straight,” mutters John.

“Yes, thank you John, we are all aware that this situation is gay as fuck. However.” Karkat fixes his eyes on you, and you know exactly what he’s about to say. “Dave, I love you, but you are such a dumbass.”

“I know. I should’ve told you.”

“Yeah. Hell, you should’ve told me you still liked John—”

“I think he was trying to repress his feelings again,” says John with a grin.

Karkat rolls his eyes. “Of fucking course.”

“I’m sorry,” you tell him. “God, Karkat, I’m really sorry—”

“It’s fine.” He sighs. “I mean. It’s fine now. I’m glad we’re sorting it out. But look. If you go over to your best friend’s house and make out with him—”

“We didn’t make out,” you start to protest, but John interrupts.

“No, Dave, we definitely made out.”

“Dude, I don’t even think you know the difference—”

“I don’t care!!” Karkat cries. “Whatever happened. Don’t you think at the very least your boyfriend should know about it?”

John giggles. “At least more than Rose, Roxy, and the Mayor.”

“You told Rose, Roxy, and the Mayor?? And you didn’t tell me??”

“Uh. Yeah.”

Karkat shakes his head, but now he’s grinning. “Jegus, you guys are so fucking useless. I can’t believe I fell for such utter imbeciles.”

“So you do like John too!”

“I—uh—” Karkat blushes again, glancing at John. “Yeah. We just talked about it a bit, actually.”

“He kissed me,” says John with a smirk, and Karkat’s face goes even darker, sinking into the couch as if he wanted the pillows to swallow him.

“Well?” you ask. “How was it?”

“Good, I guess,” mutters Karkat.

“You guess?”

“Shut up. It was fucking fantastic. Is that the answer you’re looking for?”

John grins and scoots over to Karkat, putting an arm around his shoulder. “Aw, thanks, buddy.”

“So, are we cool?” you ask Karkat, because there’s still a twinge of anxiety in your stomach that needs direct confirmation before it’ll go away.

“Dave, of course we’re cool. Looks like it worked out in the end, even if you fucked up along the way.”

“Awesome.” You lean forward to smile at Karkat, who’s relaxed into John, putting his head on his shoulder. “So. Poly triad. How’s it sound?”

“What exactly does that entail again?”

“The three of us, all dating each other, with the consent and knowledge of everyone involved.”

“I—” Karkat glances between you and John, brow furrowed. “I mean, it sounds amazing to me. But also kind of hasty? I literally only sorted out my feelings for John today.”

“Yeah—yeah, that’s fair. But we can try it out. See if it works for us.”

“Okay. Okay, yeah. And John wants to do this too?”

“Absolutely!” cries John.

Karkat grins, reaches over, and takes your hand, squeezing it. “Then let’s fucking do it.”

Chapter Text

Your new bed is big enough for you and Karkat, but wasn’t created with three people in mind. Nevertheless, with the addition of extra pillows and a larger blanket, the three of you fit quite comfortably. John falls asleep before you can even say goodnight to him. You kiss the top of his head, and turn over so you can look at Karkat, who’s lying on your other side. You can’t quite see his face in the dark, but it looks like he’s deep in thought.

“I was thinking about it,” he says quietly (or at least quiet enough to make sure he doesn’t disturb John), “and it seems to me that the concept of polyamory would be less alien to trolls than to humans. I mean, we do usually have multiple partners. But in different quadrants.”

“And now you have two pan-quadrant partners. Who are both aliens.”

He sighs. “Yup. I’m a fucking weirdo.”

“And I’m a human guy with two boyfriends. We’re all romantic weirdos here.”

Karkat sits up suddenly, staring at you with those faintly glowing yellow eyes. “Look. Dave. I don’t want you to think I don’t want this. I love it. It’s just… really new.”

“It’s new for all of us, dude. But we’ll get used to it. Figure it out.”

“Yeah,” he says. “We will.”

He finds your hand under the covers and takes it in his.

You’re jolted out of your sleep by an accidental kick in the leg and a flurry of movement to your left. You roll over to find John and Karkat making out next to you. They break apart the moment they notice you, Karkat jumping away from John and accidentally falling off the bed in the process. He yells and clumsily pulls himself to his feet.

“Sorry,” says John. He’s a little out of breath and his face is bright red.

You grin. “Don’t apologize, you’re literally dating.”

“Yeah. Right.” John and Karkat share a glance. “Wow.”

“I’m gonna go. Uh. Eat breakfast.” Karkat hastily absconds without another word. You laugh.

“How’d you sleep?” you ask John, who’s lying flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling.

“Good.” He smiles at you. “It was nice to wake up with your arms around me.”

You don’t know how to respond to that, so you just say, “Probably better than your arms around my legs, huh?”

He giggles. “I still don’t know how that happened!”

“Wasn’t so nice to wake up by getting kicked in the shin, though.”

“Ouch. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I think it was Karkat, actually. You two were really getting into it.”

“Uh… yeah, I guess!” John blushes again, sitting up and pulling his knees up to his chest. “Man. A week ago I was certain I wasn’t gay. Now I have two boyfriends! How did this happen, Dave?”

“A whole lot of luck.” You push yourself up to sit next to him. His hair is sticking up in every direction, and it’s incredibly cute. “Are you out-kissed, or can I…?”

“Oh, go ahead!”

You take his face in your hands and kiss him. Finally you can do that without feeling horrible about yourself. He smells like Karkat. As always, he’s soft and warm and wonderful and you love him.

When you pull away, you hear a shuffling at the other end of the room. Karkat is leaning awkwardly against the doorframe, blushing.

“I. Uh. Didn’t want to interrupt you. But we have no breakfast food. There’s leftover pizza, but we are not eating that for breakfast.”

“You could bake something?” suggests John.

“Bake?? Do I look like an ensign of the batterwitch?”

“If it involves the oven, we’re not doing it,” you say.

Karkat sighs. “I’ll go alchemize some shit. You guys keep kissing or whatever.”

He’s out the door without another word. John giggles and gives you a big sloppy smooch on the forehead.

“So,” he says, “we figured it out.”

“Yep.”

“Who are we gonna tell first?”

“Absolutely the Mayor. Then Roxy.”

“Then Rose?”

“Oh, yeah, and Kanaya.”

“And Jade.”

“Duh.”

“Then everyone else!”

“But not too fast. We can wait a few days for everyone else.”

He nods. “Wait for the relationship to solidify a little more?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

John’s expression turns pensive. “Dave?”

“Yeah?”

“Not to completely change the topic—er, the tone, I guess—but—” He meets your eyes. “To be honest, I still kinda feel like I’m intruding on you and Karkat’s relationship!”

“What—no, John, you’re a part of it now, it’s the three of us—”

“I know!” He sighs. “And I love it. But you guys have been together for a while. And then suddenly! It’s a poly thing with John too!”

“Look. It’ll take some getting used to. For all of us.” You take his hands in yours and squeeze them. “But dude, you’ve gotta believe me when I say that we want you here. And we’re gonna make this work. Okay?”

John smiles, and it’s one of those smiles that absolutely melts your heart. “Okay.”

Chapter Text

carcinoGeneticist [CG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.

CURRENT turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
TG: oh fuck this were not doing another memo
CG: YES, WE ARE.
CG: THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO DO A GROUP CHAT ON TROLLIAN.
TG: promise me this wont devolve into you screaming at your past and future selves
CG: OF COURSE NOT, NUMBNUTS, I TEMPORALLY LOCKED IT.
CG: SEE HOW THERE’S NO C OR P OR F IN FRONT OF OUR NAMES? THAT’S BECAUSE WE’RE ALL *CURRENT*
TG: wait so who else is on here
CG: JOHN.
TG: oh thats a great idea actually
TG: the polyam disaster chat
TG: why is it called that though
CG: I’M SORRY, DID MY MEME REFERENCE FLY OVER YOUR HEAD?
TG: first of all i am insulted beyond belief that you would suggest any meme references fly over my head ever
TG: these meme references are flying from your mouth and hitting me squarely in the crotch
TG: im catching all of them dude and youd better believe it
TG: second of all what the fuck is a fruity rumpus asshole factory
TG: not that the name isnt the very pinnacle of ironic humor but where did you get it from
TG: it sounds familiar
CG: THAT’S BECAUSE IT WAS THE NAME OF ANOTHER MEMO WITH ME, YOU, AND JOHN.
TG: when i dont remember this
CG: LIKE THREE YEARS AGO. THAT ONE DAY.
TG: well of course it was that one day
TG: can you link it i really want to see this now
CG: NO.
TG: why
CG: IT’S INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING TO LOOK BACK ON, AND IF I HAVE TO READ ONE LINE OF OBNOXIOUS GREY TEXT FROM PAST KARKAT, I WILL TEAR OUT MY BULBS AND STUFF THEM UP THE INSUFFERABLE PRICK’S ASSHOLE.
CG: USING YOUR TIME GOD POWERS, OF COURSE.
TG: wow dude how did you know thats exactly what i wanted to use my time travel for
CG: THE POINT IS, NO, I AM NOT LINKING IT.
TG: alright guess ill just have to search back through my own pesterlogs to find it
TG: fuck theres so much random shit here lets see if i can filter it
TG: oh hey that was easy i found it
CG: DON’T READ IT.
TG: i already read it in the past how bad can it be
TG: oh
TG: ok im fucking cackling
TG: hey remember when you liked terezi and you thought i liked terezi too? that was a wild time man
TG: ?CG: AS DUMB AS EGBERT IS, HE IS SMARTER THAN YOU AND IS THE RIGHTFUL SUPERIOR AMONG YOUR DREARY LITTLE PARTY.
TG: wow hear that john youre my rightful superior
CG: STOP FUCKING QUOTING THAT ASS STAIN OF A MEMO.
TG: hey
TG: hey john
TG: theforbiddenmemo.txt
CG: NO!!!
CG: JEGUS, THIS IS WORSE THAN I REMEMBERED.
TG: oh shit
TG: ?CG: DAVE IS NOW THE LEADER, EVEN THOUGH HE'S A SMUG SHITSTAIN WITH SHADES AND A POKER FACE.
TG: my ego is bruised
TG: why would my boyfriend say something so hurtful
TG: i love that the conversation just devolved into quadrants as per fucking usual
TG: oh yeah the vriska part
CG: WE REALLY DON’T NEED YOUR LIVE COMMENTARY, DAVE.
TG: im fucking crying john youre so gay
TG: CEB: well, like i said, i thought she was pretty cool... CEB: kinda bossy! but also pretty friendly.
TG: john egbert reacts to girls flirting with him
TG: thats the name of my new youtube channel
TG: john egbert reacts
TG: john egbert reacts to old memos! john egbert reacts to kissing his best bro! john egbert reacts to karkats tantrums! john egbert reacts to having two boyfriends!
CG: JOHN EGBERT REACTS TO DAVE STRIDER SHUTTING THE FUCK UP.
TG: CEB: i don't think i have ever actually liked a girl before in that way, so i am not really sure what i am supposed to feel or do...
TG: gay
TG: oh wait
TG: karkat are you reading this
CG: UNFORTUNATELY.
TG: im going to actually die
TG: my death will be just because im having too much fun reading this fucking memo
TG: CTG: oh god stop talking about my lips thats the second time CTG: ok youre clearly gay and youve probably got some issues about it dude CTG: john just a heads up in the future i think youre gonna spurn one of his awkward advances
TG: i am a goddamn prophet
TG: my gaydar is unparalleled
TG: this is too much i want to quote huge sections of this but no youve gotta read it for yourself
TG: karkat i cannot fucking believe you started flirting with john in the middle of the memo
TG: OH WAIT
TG: ?CG: I HAVE A FIRM GRASP ON HOW DERANGED AND UNNATURAL ANY SORT OF INTERSPECIES RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE, WHETHER CALIGINOUS OR CONCUPISCENT.
TG: this is peak irony dude not even i could produce anything this absolutely hilarious
TG: i love how youre talking about troll/human sloppy makeouts as if theyre the absolute worst outcome in any situation ever
TG: oh my fucking god the shipping diagram
TG: http://tinyurl.com/MATINGDIAGRAMFORMORONS
CG: ALL RIGHT, LIVE COMMENTARY TIME OVER, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR A SINGLE WORD OF THIS UTTER HOOFBEAST SHIT EVER AGAIN.
CG: YES IT’S IRONIC AND YES WE’RE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS AND YES WE’RE ALL GAY AND DIDN’T REALIZE IT AT THE TIME, ISN’T THAT SO GODDAMN HILARIOUS.
CG: NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE OTHER THAN THIS ABSOLUTE ASS SHIT.
CG: WHERE THE FUCK IS JOHN ANYWAY.
TG: ass shit
TG: asshit
TG: thats a new one from you karkat
CG: YES, I WAS FEELING PARTICULARLY CREATIVE JUST NOW.
TG: i like how it implies that not all shit comes from the ass
CG: OBVIOUSLY NOT. SOME SHIT COMES FROM THE MOUTH, AS YOU’VE BEEN KINDLY DEMONSTRATING FOR THE PAST TEN MINUTES, DAVE.
CG: NOW WHEN WILL JOHN COME SAVE US FROM THIS CYCLE OF IMBECILITY.
CG: @ECTOBIOLOGIST
CG: @ectoBiologist
TG: dont think you can ping people on pesterchum dude
CG: I’M NOT USING PESTERCHUM
TG: or on trollian
TG: youd think john would be back by now or at least online
TG: guess hes having lots of fun over at roses house
TG: basking in the angelic glow of the wlw
TG: wuluhwu
TG: hey random question
TG: how did you get this thing temporally locked anyway
CG: MY FRIEND SOLLUX SHOWED ME HOW TO DO IT A WHILE BACK.
CG: OF COURSE, I’D COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT UNTIL NOW.
CG: FUCK. NOW I REALLY WANT TO SEE SOLLUX AGAIN.
TG: wow gay
CG: IS EVERYTHING GAY TO YOU, DAVE? I MENTION ONE MALE FRIEND WHO I MISS A WHOLE FUCKING TON, AND SUDDENLY YOU’RE ALL LIKE “ohhh you mustve had a crush on him haha gay lmao”
TG: yeah pretty much
CG: AND TO THINK THAT YOU WERE ONCE INSECURE ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY.
TG: honestly it feels good to be confident enough about being queer that i can make jokes about it
TG: thats the real pinnacle of self esteem right there
TG: so i actually want to know now did you have a crush on him
CG: YEAH, I DID.
TG: haha called it
TG: karkat i have something to tell you
CG: WHAT
TG: its pretty scandalous
TG: but i think
TG: you might be gay
TG: i know its a lot to take in but ive been observing your behavior for a while now and i think im onto something
CG: REALLY? WHAT SORT OF EVIDENCE DO YOU HAVE FOR THIS PREPOSTEROUS CLAIM?
TG: i caught you making out with john egbert this morning
CG: LIES AND SLANDER.
TG: nope its true dude
TG: you were all on top of him and everything
CG: WELL, I ALSO SAW *YOU* KISSING JOHN EGBERT THIS MORNING.
TG: oh shit ive been #calledout
TG: do you mean to tell me that im gay too
TG: karkat what if were both gay
TG: that cant be true we both know that there can only be one token gay
CG: WE’RE BOTH BI, SO IT WORKS OUT.
TG: oh phew
TG: johns the token gay then
TG: hes also the universal bottom
CG: WHAT THE BULGESQUEEZING FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN
TG: like a universal donor but instead hes a universal bottom
TG: the best way to make out with him is to be on top of him
TG: oh wait can you even be classified as a top or a bottom if youre asexual
TG: hm im gonna have to think this over
CG: HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THIS, YOU’VE NEVER MADE OUT WITH HIM.
TG: not yet
TG: the guy is so outrageously kissable though
TG: and huggable
TG: hes so soft its not fair
TG: like his skin is so smooth how does he even do that
TG: and his hair and his pajamas
TG: i bet its some god tier thing
TG: like how the hell does he get his hair to stick up like that? youd better believe its breath power
CG: MAYBE HE JUST USES A SHIT TON OF HAIRSPRAY.
TG: dude its not hairspray have you ever even touched his hair
CG: UH, YEAH?
CG: FINE, I GUESS YOU’RE RIGHT.
TG: i think youre just jealous because your alien skin is so coarse
TG: dont worry i love it too
CG: I JUST WORRY THAT I’M GOING TO BREAK HIM OR SOMETHING
CG: LIKE, ACCIDENTALLY SMOTHER HIM WHILE MAKING OUT WITH HIM.
CG: WOW, THAT SOUNDS SO FUCKING STUPID, FORGET I SAID THAT.
TG: dude hes an heir of breath you physically cant smother him
TG: and even if you could it definitely wouldnt be a heroic or just death
TG: john turning up in the dream bubbles like “yo howd you guys die i got crushed by my fucking boyfriend”
CURRENT ectoBiologist [EB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
EB: what?
EB: why do i have 150 messages
TG: SKLJDFSGJHDKDJSDLKJG
TG: dont scroll up
CG: YEAH, DON’T.
EB: uhhh...
CG: WOW! I’M READY TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING NON-EMBARRASSING WITH MY WONDERFUL, CONSIDERATE BOYFRIENDS.
CG: HOW ARE ROSE AND KANAYA?
EB: it was good to see them!
EB: we talked a bunch.
EB: hold up, i’m reading the logs.
CG: FUCK YOU.
EB: wouldn’t you like to!
CG: A;SLKAHAJSGDSHJ
TG: i hate everything
EB: ooh, i have something funny to show you guys.
CG: YEAH?
EB: it relates to your earlier conversation.
EB: afunnyconversation.txt
CG: IS THIS
CG: WAIT
CG: NO!!!!!
CG: I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO BE PART OF THIS CONVERSATION ANYMORE.
CG: DAVE DO NOT CLICK THE FUCKING LINK.
TG: “attention worthless human”
TG: oh yes im enjoying this already
TG: whats the context of this its pure comedy gold
CG: NO IT ISN’T!!!
EB: hehehehe
EB: it’s the first conversation karkat ever had with me!
EB: from his perspective, that is.
TG: i cant fucking believe this
TG: i refuse to believe this is a real conversation you guys had its just too unreal
CG: DAVE, ARE YOU SURE YOU WON’T YEET ME BACK IN TIME TO HORRIFICALLY MAUL MY PAST SELF.
TG: karkat
TG: did you just say
TG: yeet
CG: YES, I SAID YEET, AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, FUCKFACE.
TG: i love you so much
EB: oh, uh...
EB: i just realized this conversation is kind of embarrassing from my end, too!
TG: pff not really
TG: OH
TG: oh my fucking god
EB: ...yeah.
TG: i cant believe you just completely unironically said “i am not a homosexual”
EB: i didn’t JUST say that! that was three years ago!
TG: this is so good
TG: thank you for blessing us with this content
TG: youre both so stupid oh my god
CG: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.
TG: yeah were the dumbass trio
TG: youre the dumbass bitch and im the dumbass thot which i guess leaves john as the dumbass bastard
EB: what?
TG: its another meme dont even worry about it
EB: okay...
EB: also!
EB: just to let you guys know, i don’t use hair spray.
EB: i did use hair gel for a while, which is totally different, but not anymore!
EB: i think you’re right, my hair just naturally stays like that because i am a god!
TG: nice
EB: also, uh...
EB: i don’t really understand the universal bottom thing?
TG: fdjkshdsgjkhg
CG: I’M NOT EXPLAINING IT.
TG: we told you not to scroll up dawg
TG: we warned you about the
TG: uh
CG: ARE YOU LOOKING UP RHYMES WITH “STAIRS”
TG: what do you think
EB: heirs?
EB: because i’m an heir?
CG: NO, THAT’S STUPID.
EB: fine!!
EB: anyway, all this bullshit aside, i actually wanted to ask you guys something!
TG: what
EB: so, there’s this movie that jake introduced me to...
EB: it is called the lego batman movie, and i think we should all watch it together.
TG: look john no offense to jake but that is literally the dumbest thing i have ever heard
TG: a movie? about fucking lego blocks? and batman? please
CG: WHAT’S A LEGO
EB: uh, i’ll explain later.
EB: it’s actually really good though!
EB: karkat, you would like it a LOT.
CG: WHY? IS IT A ROMCOM?
EB: um...
EB: it isn’t meant to be, but...
EB: it is basically a caliginous romcom.
EB: i swear to god that watching this movie has helped me understand black romance so much better!
CG: I THOUGHT HUMANS DIDN’T HAVE A CONCEPT OF BLACK ROMANCE.
EB: i think they do sometimes!
EB: it’s just not called romance, in this case. because it’s between two guys.
CG: SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.
EB: yay!
EB: dave?
TG: im down
TG: im honestly intrigued
EB: great!
EB: then we can all cuddle on the couch, just like you guys wanted :)
TG: hell yes
TG: quality boyfriend bonding time
TG: plus sloppy makeouts
EB: sounds like you’re pretty eager to make out with me, dave!
TG: leave me alone im gay and i love my boyfriends
CG: HE’S JUST EAGER TO TEST OUT HIS UNIVERSAL BOTTOM HYPOTHESIS.
TG: wow would you look at the time
TG: the hands of the clock in my head are pointed right at “shut up karkat and stop embarrassing me” hour
CG: I FEEL LIKE IF WE’RE ALL GOING TO BE DATING EACH OTHER, WE HAVE TO STOP GETTING SO FUCKING FLUSTERED ABOUT THIS SORT OF STUFF.
CG: YEAH! WE’RE GAY AND WE WANT TO KISS EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME! THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!
EB: i have to agree though, it is a little embarrassing.
EB: all this romantic attention is kind of overwhelming to be honest!
EB: but in a good way.
TG: yeah i feel that
TG: its especially hard for you i guess because youre new to the relationship
TG: so you get all the attention
EB: yeah...
CG: JOHN, IF YOU EVER GET UNCOMFORTABLE OR OVERWHELMED, JUST TELL US, OKAY?
EB: of course!
EB: man. you guys are the best.
EB: i just want to come over there and hug you!
EB: which i’m going to do now, as soon as i get the movie dvd.
TG: looking forward to it
EB: seeya guys!
EB: love you!

CURRENT ectoBiologist [EB] ceased responding to memo.