Chapter Text
Two steps away from the platform, an arrow misses my right foot by an inch. An inch.
‘I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow to the knee. ’
Yikes. I’d rather not.
“Andraste’s tits- is that a note, Smalls?” Varric swears, putting a hand on his heart as Cassandra just almost draws her sword, still on edge. I pull the arrow up and gently take the note off of it, wary of tears.
Oh. Well, at least someone has worse handwriting than me.
Not to self, never mention that thought to Sera. Ever
‘People think you’re special, and you helped that granny. I want to help. I can bring everyone.
There’s a baddie in Val Royaeux. I hear he wants to hurt you. Have a search for the red things in the market, the docks, ‘round the cafe, and maybe you’ll meet him first. Bring swords.
Friends of the Red Jenny’
I grin, and say it aloud. Cassandra groans, Varric snorts, and Solas looks positively intrigued.
While we’re off on our scavenger hunt we’re stopped by Vic’s messenger too, and I get to read that aloud to everyone too. The party thing is in a week or so, and once we’ve grabbed all of the stuff that noble hid places we find out we have to meet him tonight.
So another week in Orlais until we can start heading home.
Ugh™.
I hate shopping. Idle wandering around with no clear goal for no reason other than browsing?
No. No thank you.
Varric, however, has other ideas. He happily drags me along, and by proxy Cass and Solas. Val Royeaux is far larger than the game liked to imply and I get to enjoy walking through its indoor and outdoor markets.
Perfumes and colognes fill the air for most of it, mixing with savory and sweet smelling foods on display. A few people speak French or Spanish loudly, but a strong majority are speaking trade speak, aka English. I stand close to Varric as he struts like he owns the place, peering over wares and stopping every once and a while to get a closer look.
“Varric, these talismans do diddly squat.” I hum next to him, fingering a utterly normal necklace with elven engraved on it.
“Indeed. They all say halla in them.” Solas says calmly, eyeing one in his hand carefully with the barest of a uplift on his lips.
One day, I’ll be as subtle as Solas. Eleven out of ten role model- then again he’s a lying ancient elven god…
Nine out of ten.
“I don’t see why we must dally about like this. Surely there are other more productive things we could be doing.” Cassandra cuts in before Varric can do anything but grin at Solas’s comment.
“Half agreed.” I say. I do need some better art supplies and some books, but browsing is satan. Stupid weird people in my life who enjoy it. These talisman aren’t even well carved!
Another note, I need to see if there are Tarot cards anywhere around here. Or get better supplies to make some myself and hope they work properly. They work best when you get them as a gift, but I don’t exactly have that option at the moment. Or ever at this point .
Depressing of me, moving on.
“Come on, you two! Shopping is fun, I get to find goodies.” Varric says with a grin, gesturing to a pretty looking halla statue.
Spending money makes me anxious. It probably always will, what with my not so stable upbringing, but it’s probably part of why I have such a distaste for shopping. I don’t like buying things for myself, and I don’t like other people spending money on me.
I frown, and we continue onward. I wanna play the freakin squeeze game.
Gently taking Solas’s hand into my own, the unfortunate victim since he’s walking next to me, and squeeze his hand twice.
He looks down and blinks at me questioningly. He’s confused by affection? Weird. Very weird. I must remedy this.
I squeeze his hand again, and he squeezes back, making me grin.
It’s not really a game, as anyone could tell from seeing it, but it’s familiar. Back in freshman year a best friend got into a car crash and couldn’t talk for a month and a half. It was… scary. So I’d take her hand in mine and we’d squeeze back and forth. Reassurance. She hasn’t been in good shape, and if one of her Intestinal injuries got missed-
Squeeze game. Right.
I squeeze back.
Ice freezes most of the soldiers near me in place, and at the corner of my eye I can see Sera hopping and flitting at the sides of the action. She’s fast and deadly accurate.
I shove away a man who gets too close to me and don’t wince when a crossbow bolt makes its way in his eye.
People are dying and you’re too much of a coward to do shit about it .
Thanks brain. Thank you so much. A fucking pleasure.
Cassandra bashes a man’s face with her shield and Solas sets a barrier just in time to protect Varric from a stray sword swipe. I kick a lightly armored man away and a arrow finds its way through his throat.
I’m going to have nightmares. God fucking bless.
They all fall in the end, most knocked out, others dead.
Sera jogs up with a grin on her face like the cat who’s just got the canary.
“Nobles, always trying for more than they can get. Name’s Sera. You’re the one with the glowy hand-” she pauses for a moment, looking me over with a tilt of her head.
“Shorter than I thought, younger . Whatever. ‘Sides, you’re tall where it counts.”
Penis joke. Don’t laugh at unintentional penis joke degenerate -
I keep it down, but grin back at her anyways. Now I’m thinking about Naruto fanfiction of all things.
“Suppose so. So you’re with the Jennys?” I ask, and she nods.
“Yeah. Like I said, I can bring in help from all over places, bring in calls for it. You’ve seen me in action too, so that’s a plus.” Sera says to me. I nod.
“Very helpful for the screening process at least. I know a little about the Jens, so I’m all for you joining up.” I say, and she visibly brightens.
“Oh? Heard a little about you bein’ little person, but I hadn’t believed it. Little people don’t just get power like that so easily, y’know? See it now though, no puff or elegance.” Sera says quickly and focus entirely on her words, noticing though the way Cassandra shifts a little at her words. Probably sort of catching what the elf means, though for people with no experience with the elf they’re doing pretty well.
I shrug. “Wasn’t really nothing, the breach was…”
Ozone .
“Not good.”
Sera nods along, but I know her and know she doesn’t get it yet. She will, and I hope it doesn’t shake her too bad.
“Anyways, suppose I’ll meet you at Haven then, right? I’ve got things to handle before I go.” Sera says quickly, straightening and hurrying off without a goodbye. I blink at the quick departure.
Yeah, she’s a little off her wagon, but that’s alright. Everyone in the inner circle is.
“Well, she was a character for sure.” Varric says to himself, and I snort. Cassandra makes her Disgusted Noise™ all the while Solas smiles, and we leave the small courtyard, leaving a forgotten bag of breeches.
I sit cross legged out on my room’s balcony, sketching out the pretty buildings in front of my quietly. Some sort of stringed instrument plays in the distance, probably at a restaurant or tavern this late, and I let the strokes of my hand fill my head. Keep out stupid thoughts.
I don’t want to see the fade tonight, I know exactly how fun it will be if a do.
Someone walks up behind me, and I tense.
“Ah, Herald, I did not realize you were out here…” Cassandra says awkwardly, and my grip on my pencil tightens a little. A lot.
It isn’t her fault. She wasn’t thinking clearly. She wouldn’t hurt you. It’s just Cass, romance loving and maybe Varric loving Cass.
I force my breathing to stay relaxed, ignoring the anxiety churning in my gut.
“It’s fine, Seeker.” I say quietly, forcing my pencil to start moving again and ignoring the little tremble in my hands. I’m terrible, I’m making her feel like shit right now. Stop being a brat Zoe.
The air is tense, and Cassandra takes in a breath to say something, stops, and sighs to herself.
“I… am not very good with emotions.” She murmurs and moves to the ground next to me, enough distance to not encroach.
Look at how she’s trying, don’t be a dick.
This thought process is faintly reminiscent of how people rationalize staying with abusive people, and that annoys me. Logically it is her fault for bullying a child when she is an adult. It’s her fault for not keeping a handle on her emotions and ultimately her fault that I’m acting like this. Not. Mine.
That, however, doesn’t change the rolling guilt and genuine fear in me.
“I hurt you that day, when you woke. It was dishonorable of me to act in that manner towards you.” She says just as quietly, and I glance over at the utterly tense woman sitting on the ground next to a fifteen-year-old girl.
“It’s fine-“ I try to say, quieter.
“ No. It was not fine. ” She hisses, fingers clenching into tight fists. “I acted like a overgrown bully unbefitting of my position as a hand to the divine. You are a child and I could not see past my own grief to comfort you, scared of me .”
She curls into herself a little, frowning severely with her eyes shut tight.
“I deeply apologize for my actions against you. As a Seeker, a hand, and as one who is meant to protect you.” Cassandra says, finally facing me.
I hold back tears. Why am I crying stupid hormones- stupid natural reactions.
“Thank you.” I say. Slowly I reach over and gently to her own hand into mine, shoving my nerves down and sniffling like an idiot.
“You were hurting, and you let out that hurt in a bad way. You are at fault, but-“ I swallow, “ I understand. I understand and I forgive. I won’t forget it for a long time, but I can forgive you.” I tell her, lightly rubbing my thumb against the back of her hand comfortingly. Love often, forgive moreso, but never forget. Forgetting gets your feelings broken.
She looks almost shocked. She nods though, a sharp one that speaks of duty.
“I am unworthy.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. Your actions were unworthy of you, but you’re making an effort to fix them. That is worthy of you. Don’t worry on how worthy you think you are to me.” I tell her with a frown, moving my other hand to take her hand as well, sketchbook laying forgotten on my lap.
She frowns back, but it’s not a unhappy one. More of acknowledgement than than anything.
This is a step in healing. Don’t be a wuss Zoe.
“Want a hug?”
She flinches at it in shock. The hell is up with these people and physical affection? Bullshit. I will slowly and softly worm my way into the easy comfort zone.
“If you wish it.” She says slowly, and I nod, pushing down my cocktail of feeling and gently hugging her.
Cassandra’s warm. This is nice.
She slowly relaxes, taking a deep breath and hugging before just as gently hugging me back.
This doesn’t just fix my anxieties and fears. That isn’t how the brain deals with trauma. But this? This helps, even if only a little. She’s hurting, I’m hurting, and sometimes you just have to…
Breathe. Take a deep breath to fill up your chest, hold it, and release. Stewing in all of your bad feelings will only make you miserable, and that isn’t how I want to live.
The next morning is much less awkward than it’d been before between me and Cass. Solas and Varric notice, of course, but besides curious glances they don’t say anything about it.
I’m more worried about the obvious exhaustion in my eyes and looking through books on Orlesian noble customs and family trees in an effort to not embarrass myself during Viv’s dumb party that she’d probably only set up because I was in town.
The interbreeding is gross, it’s all borderline bad incest, of which I usually don’t judge unless it makes baby Joffrey’s a’la Game of Thrones style, but there’s no way the lack of variety in the gene pool is helping any of these people. So I have to keep track of enough names to not sound like an idiot, but I can barely remember names after speaking to the person for months , so it’s slow going.
Someone pushes me some toast and tea, of which I aggressively eat, not looking up from the De Ghislain family tree, Viv’s hubby’s family or whatever. They have connections with the royals for fucks sake, they’re rich as hell , and probably have branches in every other major family in Orlais.
Headache. I’m getting a headache. At least I know who to call ‘Madame’ and ‘Your Grace’. Should I go in a dress? The inquisitor just waltzed right in in the game, but Inquisitors always give little craps about that stuff anyways. I could play on how young I am, maybe a flowy dress? Sundress type flowy dress? Flower crown??
I don’t know. I’ll mail Josephine today, she’ll get back to me by tomorrow if it kills the crow that has to carry it, bless her.
“Doing alright there, Smalls?” Varric asks beside me, and I look up from where I was staring blankly at the page. Varric looks both amused and slightly worried.
“Uh, yeah? Maybe? Just trying to think on how not to utterly destroy my reputation with the stupid nobles.” I say, leaning over and letting my pounding head rest on his shoulder, eyes shutting. It’d be easier to establish myself as a ignorant hieratic, but it benefits me more to seem like a young, endearing , peasant who so happens to be at the head of a powerful organization.
Underestimation is the worst mistake you can make. Always expect more than what it seems from an opponent.
I sound like an old politician. Ew.
“That is a lot of thinking over breakfast.” Solas says, and I don’t have to open my eyes to realize he’s making that dumb face of his. The one with the fake innocence. I peak an eye at him.
Yeah. That one. Stupid high cheekbones, I’d smooch him if he weren’t so darned old.
“We owe those vultures nothing from us. I say we go as we are and be done with it. They will judge us nonetheless.” Cassandra says from where she’s eating an omelet in full armor.
I try not to snort. I do. My head pounds harder in retaliation.
“You underestimate the power of an impression, Seeker.” Solas says simply, and Cass huffs at him.
My eye shuts again.
“Their impression of me will affect how they treat my authority and the validity of the Inquisition. As I am, I’m not very intimidating. If we play on that, then we can use whatever charms I have to make them like us. If they like us, then we gain support.” I explain slowly, leaning into Varric more when he wraps an arm around my shoulder.
“Already thinking with the game in mind, Da’lath’in?” Solas asks, and I hum.
“Playing the game is what they want, so they’ll get it. I was gifted with the ‘ great’ ability of understanding people and how they work. If I use that to manipulate these dumb dumbs and they fall for it? Their fault. I don’t feel bad.” I explain.
I really don’t feel bad about playing these people. The nobles of France had a history of oppression, and I can see it here too. They’re a century or less to getting a revolution anyways, suckers.
( Not actually, I don’t really wish for people to get their heads cut off via fast moving, sharp metal. )
“Very conniving of you, Smalls.” Varric says sarcastically, ruffling my hair. I open my eyes just to make a clear show of rolling them at him. He snorts.
An eleven lady comes in holding a tray with more tea on it and I give her a big grin despite my stupid head.
“Thank you very much, ma’am.” I say when she sets it down, watching her eyes widen with shock at the acknowledgment. Her face is gaunter than it should be, wrists small, and there’s a trace of red in her pale blonde hair.
Early malnutrition, continued bad diet.
Something in me hardens.
“There is no need, my Lady.” She says, quietly, looking down at her feet. She’s old enough to be my mom, she shouldn’t be looking like I’m better than her or some stupid shit.
“No, ma’am, there is a need. Thank you for serving us, and I apologize for not saying it when you first came in. Here…” I say, reaching into my coin purse and pulling out a large handful of coins, ones of varying value.
I don’t need them, not as much as her. I get food and boarding, along with the ability to keep anything I find on my missions. She needs this much more than I do.
My head pounds, and she protests as profusely as she can without breaking the meek way she holds herself, but there is no way in the name of Hades I’m not helping her. Bullshit conditions, I should yell at the Empress at some point after I get Orlais’ triad on the throne. No, I should rip her a new ass in a way that would make my parents proud.
She leaves after that, and I sit up triumphantly. Stupid. This is stupid and it’s stupid as hell that that woman gets treated differently for the shape of her ear. Why is it intelligent life can never just play nicely with each other?
I then realize that my three companions are staring pretty heavily at me.
Varric is approving, Solas is very approving, and Cassandra looks like she approves of my quick reaction to help and not getting hit for it this time.
“How does one stage a workers revolution?” I ask myself aloud, and then the silence isn’t there anymore, making me grin through my headache.
The party had been stressful, so I happily let Viv wisk me away to where ever, keeping my ‘smiley youth’ face on the entire time as I take in my surroundings.
She pauses at a window, so I do as well, tilting my head at her a little.
“It was nice of you to stop that man from before, though the verbal thrashing could’ve been a touch much.” I hum lightly, watching her smile widen a smidge.
“Don’t worry your pretty head, darling. The man deserved far more than a bit of frost bite and a tongue thrashing I’m quite sure.” She says.
I nod, glancing out into the night.
“Of course, the Inquisition always has use for those willing to help others.” I state.
Her smile widens at the corner of my eye.
“Oh? Well that does sound like a wonderful idea. Orlais does get boring sometimes, these summer months.” Viv says.
“Mhmm. The mountains could use more beautiful people, there’s mostly nugs and snow about.” I nod along. There’s no way she actually believes I act like this normally, but only Zeus knows who’s hiding around here to get some juicy gossip.
She laughs delicately. It makes me want to roll my eyes at her. I don’t.
“Well, how could I say no when you phrase it like that? Oh, it will take me a bit to pack though… I suppose I’ll meet you back at your mountain when possible?” Vivienne says.
“Of course. Shame you won’t be traveling with us, so few other mages to speak with.” I tell her.
It isn’t. I love Viv, she’s apart of my circle, but boy can she grate the nerves sometimes. Our views just… conflict too much.
I leave with a tray-full of fancy cookies, carried by a subtly chewing Solas when we make our getaway.
It takes a week to get back to Haven. A very long week as I aches for a shower and a real toothbrush, as opposed to the charcoal toothpaste/rub I’d made in desperation. My mom makes soap . Do you really think I’m going to just suffer with gross breath and smell? No. No I will not.
It’s early morning when we get in, so I’m not as bone tired as I was last time I came back, but my first stop is the cabin the check on the kids.
I open the door and make a quick count.
Okay. All accounted for. Note, draw Birsa and lil’ elf’s cuddling later.
I drop my travel bags in the entryway and exit the cabin again, peering around at the few soldiers, scouts, and servants awake. Reminder, check on Cullen and make sure he’s sleeping.
…
He probably isn’t. Second reminder, get him some lavender oil.
I trudge through the fresh powder towards the Chantry, running two hands through my hair and nudging the small door open with my hip. It’s much warmer in here.
I continue through the war room, then Leliana’s tiny office she only uses for holding paperwork, and take the paper she sets aside for reports. My right hand goes down into my jacket for a pencil, and after some patting I pull it out and plop down on the floor. I slowly fill out all the important details of the trip with a book under my paper and drooping eyelids.
Panic attack, Lord Seeker is a serious dick, saved an old lady = + brownie points with everyone, recruited pretty blonde elf, bought some stuff and stopped an assassin, recruited fancy pretty mage, killed some Tevinter on the way back…
Light pokes to my forehead bring my back to consciousness, and I blink blearily at a purple gloved finger.
“Oh. Hey Le Le.” I murmur, reaching over and lightly patting her shoulder, feeling the muscles under.
Huh. Someone trains daily.
“Hello, Zoe.” She says, smirking from her crouched position with my report in hand.
“I’m just waking you for the war meeting.” She explains and I nod, slowly standing and stretching, hearing a few cracks.
I yawn. “Kay. Did my kids do anything dumb while I was gone?”
“They terrorized any circle mage we tried to have teach them, though that might be your influence.” Leliana says, and I grimace.
Ima have to talk to them about that.
We step out of the small room and into the war room, where a tired looking Cullen and furiously writing Josey are.
“‘Morning everyone. To start, I’m pretty sure we’ve got some Chantry support, and an offer from the mages to get their help.” I start, and from there the conversation gets a little…
Cullen is less set on the Templars after he heard about the old lady incident, not gonna lie. He barely likes me and he looked a little pissed at the actions.
Jose is happy that my plan worked out well, since she’s received letters about me and asking about me after my appearance at Viv’s party. She’s not happy about the two marriage proposals that’ve already shown, but Cullen and Cassandra are just as annoyed so I’m assuming it’s not that important of an issue issue.
Leliana likes the new informants Sera’s brought in, She likes my punching gaining support, and she especially likes that I played the game. For the most part she’s usually happy about what I do. Alignment of interests I suppose.
There’s more debating about Templars or Mages, but overall the meeting was just to get everyone up to date, rather than make any serious decisions.
After it, Leliana holds me back.
“I have something I need to talk to you about.” She says and I nod, looking up at her.
“A few months before the Conclave, I noticed a sudden decrease in Grey Warden activity. I have a good few contacts in their ranks and none of them will respond or acknowledge my requests for information.” She explains.
Oh, Blackwall.
“You think it’s related.” I state, and she nods.
“I don’t want it to be so, but it is suspicious. I’ve tracked one Warden down to the Hinterlands, a recruiter named Blackwall. When you set out next I want you to see what he knows.” Leliana says.
“Got it. Oh, I forgot to ask, those towers got completed, right?” I say and she nods. “Just a few days ago. I’m also told the scouts sent to gather the supplies you spoke of were successful, so I have no doubt that Corporate Vale will be easily swayed closer to us.”
We part ways and I yawn again, hurrying through the Chantry, hoping that who I think is out there is out there.
I step through the doors and-
Ah. Krem a’ la krem.
“Ah, excuse me?” He asks, and I turn to look at him with a big smile.
“Yes?”
“I’ve been trying to get someone’s attention, but no one will listen to me.” He says with a sigh. I step to the side to let a elven lady with a huge basket of clothes through the door.
“I can take your message. What do you need?” I ask, and his face brightens. Such a. Best boy, right with Cole.
“I’m with a mercenary group, and our chief is interested in joining up with the Inquisition. We’re called the Bull’s Chargers.”
“Really? And where would you want to meet?”
“On the Storm coast. Chief’s heard some rumors about Tevinter activity up there and thinks it’d be a good place for a demonstration.” Krem says, and I nod along.
“Alright! We’ll be there in about a week and a half, I’ve gotta take my party out to the Hinterlands after that for a little.” I say. Krem looks confused for a moment before looking surprised.
“You’re the Herald!” He says, and I nod with a smile, looking up at him.
“So I’ve been told. You’re very handsome.” I inform him. He blushes. I count that as a win.