Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

pidgeoto: hi my names michael with a b

tailor: y hello there bmike

lambsauce: do either of you take constructive criticism?

pidgeoto: no

tailor: theres no need 4 it im already perfect

lambsauce: it never hurts to try

pidgeoto: i think keith would beg to differ

tailor: keith? begging? i don’t think he even knows how 2 ask politely

pidgeoto: shit man i thought so too but maybe not

lambsauce: wait but what happened to keith

lambsauce: is he hurt?

pidgeoto: well his pride certainly is

tailor: did someone say pride

tailor: i love pride

pidgeoto: we know

tailor: im gay

pidgeoto: we know

lambsauce: keith? hello? what happened?

pidgeoto: so i was sittin there

lambsauce: please don’t

pidgeoto: too late

pidgeoto: so i was sitting there

pidgeoto: barbecue sauce on my titties

tailor: kinky

lambsauce: oh my god

lambsauce: what happened to keith

lambsauce: guys

pidgeoto: he died

lambsauce: what?! how?

tailor: she’s just fucking with you

tailor: pidge tell hunk you were just fucking with him

pidgeoto: but i wasn’t

tailor: pidge

tailor: pidge this isn’t fucking funny anymore

tailor: what happened to keith

tailor: pidge i’m serious i’ll tell matt

pidgeoto: jesus christ hes fine

pidgeoto: besides you’ll tell matt what?

pidgeoto: perhaps about the super tiny but also gigantic crush you have on the Mullet™

tailor: pidge ily but shut the up fuck

pidgeoto: pft

pidgeoto: “shut the up fuck” he says

lambsauce: but seriously pidge, man, don’t do that to me

lambsauce: you really had me scared

pidgeoto: yeah and so was lance

pidgeoto: lance was worried about keith

Private Channel opened between @lambsauce and @pidgeoto

lambsauce: i know what you’re doing

pidgeoto: what ever do you mean hunk my good man???

pidgeoto: i have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.

lambsauce: this is definately a bad idea and an extreme violation of privacy

lambsauce: i won’t help you

pidgeoto: meet me at the McD’s by the house

lambsauce: wait why

pidgeoto: i need to discuss the honor of our good friend keith

lambsauce: and you need me why

pidgeoto: bitch im lonely

lambsauce: just get matt to help you

pidgeoto: fine u suck >:<

lambsauce: and pidge

pidgeoto: ye?

lambsauce: just remember that who lance likes and what he does about it is his decision ok

pidgeoto: ugh

pidgeoto: fiiine

pidgeoto: i guess i wont ruin their pity party just yet

Private Channel closed between @lambsauce and @pidgeoto

tailor: i know u guys r vaguely talking about me

pidgeoto: we would never

lambsauce: how’d you know?

pidgeoto: damnit hunk

tailor: aha ive caught u u twisted pals

tailor: what were u talking about though

pidgeoto: wendy’s

pidgeoto: we were talking about wendys

lambsauce: yes

lambsauce: Wendy’s

tailor: whatever

tailor: so hey pidge i noticed that u never actually explained what happened 2 keith

tailor: what did u do 2 him katie

pidge: oh sHiT GOTTA’ BLAST MY MOMS CALLING ME SORRY

tailor: damnit

lambsauce: hey dude?

tailor: yes my man what’s up

lambsauce: wanna’ come hang?

tailor: you get the noose and ill get the paper and pens amigo

lambsauce: okay lance what the fuck

tailor: sorry

tailor: too dark?

lambsauce: a little

lambsauce: please will you come over

tailor: ugh

tailor: i guess

lambsauce: see you in thirty?

tailor: more like ten

lambsauce: lance it takes half an hour to get to my house from yours

tailor: well

tailor: u know what they say

tailor: speed limits r just suggestions

lambsauce: no they’re really not

tailor: i think im lifting off the ground holy shit

lambsauce: lance please dont die

lambsauce: wait

lambsauce: are you texting while driving!?

tailor:

tailor: ...maybe

lambsauce: oh my god lance you’re going to get yourself killed

tailor: no i won’t

lambsauce: how are you so sure?

tailor: because im already here

tailor: and oh look im fine

lambsauce: remind me who it was that gave you your liscence

tailor: a magician never reveals his secrets

tailor: anyways let me in its cold out here

lambsauce: its the middle of summer

tailor: it’s cold out here

-:-

lambsauce: are we actually gonna watch something?

tailor: that’s up to you, amigo

lambsauce: lance what’s wrong

tailor: its nothing

lambsauce: but?

tailor: i just

tailor: ugh

tailor: can i tell you a secret?

lambsauce: of course you can

tailor: but you have to promise not to tell

lambsauce: i won’t unless its going to hurt you or someone else

tailor: ok

tailor: just,, promise you’ll still be friends with me?

lambsauce: of fucking course i will be

lambsauce: i love you buddy

tailor: i like keith

lambsauce: oh

lambsauce: okay

lambsauce: cool

tailor: no you don’t get it

tailor: i like keith

tailor: like,, romantically

lambsauce: that’s great, buddy

tailor: no it isn’t

tailor: it’s horrible

tailor: because im in love with the one person that i could never have a chance with

tailor: he hates me

tailor: and im in love with him

lambsauce: are you crying right now?

tailor: no, i just got dust

tailor: i just have dust in my eye

lambsauce: in both of them

tailor: what can i say your house is unnaturally dusty

lambsauce: okay

lambsauce: i love you, man

lambsauce: and nothing like who you love is ever gonna change that

tailor: pf

tailor: do you love me bithc

tailor: never gonna stop lovin me bitch

lambsauce: yeah, i do

tailor: oh

tailor: i love you to

tailor: fuck this emotional shit man lets watch a movie

lambsauce: disney or romcom or horror

tailor: yes

Chapter Text

pidgeoto: dear god what the fuck did you two come straight out of a fanfiction

tailor: pffft

tailor: she said straight

lambsauce: *gasp* pidge!

lambsauce: i thought you were better than this

pidgeoto: what can i say

pidgeoto: i live to disappoint

tailor: i disappoint to live

pidgeoto: that doesn’t even make sense

tailor: you don’t make sense

lambsauce: you guys are funny

tailor: wait why

lambsauce: because this was the exact conversation that you and keith had like,, two days ago?

tailor: did you just,,

tailor: compare our precious and beloved pidge

tailor: to the Mullet™??

lambsauce: indeed, i did

tailor: hunk

lambsauce: yes, oh blessed lance?

tailor: thanks, but

tailor: you can’t fucking sit with us

pidgeoto: but wherever else will he rest his bodacious body?

tailor: he can go sit with keith

lambsauce: where does keith even go during lunch?

tailor: idk probably with his club of emos

lambsauce: he has a club

tailor: yeah he’s surprisingly popular

tailor: for being such an asshole

pidgeoto: guys keith eats by himself

tailor: yeah well it’s probably just because he needs to keep his Emo Credentials

pidgeoto: ...right

pidgeoto: so im gonna add him to this chat

tailor: wait what

@pidgeoto has added @kogayne to Voltron

kogayne: who are you and what do you want

pidgeoto: principal zarkon

pidgeoto: im after your drawings of those mecha space cats

kogayne: the what

pidgeoto: the ones that you showed to the weird girl with the glasses in the library

kogayne: oh those

kogayne: okay

kogayne: why do you want them?

pidgeoto: because they’re really cool

tailor: oh no no no what is he doing here

kogayne: who are you?

tailor: the name’s lance

kogayne: oh

kogayne: do i know you?

tailor: OOF

kogayne: i do don’t i

pidgeoto: yeah you do

kogayne: sorry

tailor: we’re rivals, man

kogayne: but taylor’s my only rival?

tailor: oh who’s that?

kogayne: he’s in my astronomy class. He’s really smart

tailor: i have astronomy with you

tailor: and i know for a fact that there is no taylors in our class

tailor: who are you talking about

kogayne: everyone calls him taylor, anyways

kogayne: he mentions it all the time

pidgeoto: POFKJHNBGSD

pidgeoto: keith

pidgeoto: my buddy

pidgeoto: my man

pidgeoto: how does he say it

kogayne: ur not principal zarkon are you

pidgeoto: surprise motherfucker im the weird girl with glasses

kogayne: which one?

pidgeoto: the one you showed all those mecha space cats to

kogayne: oh that girl

kogayne: hi

pidgeoto: just so you know im still after those drawings

kogayne: you...want them?

pidgeoto: of course i do they’re amazing

kogayne: you can have them, i guess

kogayne: i can just give them to you tomorrow during study hall

pidgeoto: ANYWAYSSFGHD

pidgeoto: keith does he say it like this?

kogayne: like what?

pidgeoto: hold on im typing

kogayne: okay

pidgeoto: “They call me the Taylor because of how I thread the needle.”

kogayne: yeah like that

pidgeoto: asdgfjk ffs that’s lance

kogayne: huh?

lambsauce: lance said he was rivals with you, and his username is literally tailor, how did you not catch on?

kogayne: i still don’t get it

tailor: wait you thought my name was taylor

kogayne: no you just said your name was lance. Taylor’s my rival

tailor: IM your rival

kogayne: that doesn’t make any sense!

tailor:

tailor: wait

tailor: i get it

tailor: keith, you’re really stupid

kogayne: why am i the stupid one if you didn’t get it either?!

tailor: because i figured it out!

tailor: you thought my name was taylor because i called myself The Tailor

kogayne: well why would you call yourself the tailor if your name is lance?!

tailor: because it’s funny

kogayne: no it isn’t

tailor: is to

kogayne: is not

tailor: is to

kogayne: is to

tailor: is not

kogayne: ha!

tailor: hey thats no fair you tricked me asshole

pidgeoto: god i see why you two don’t get along

lambsauce: anyways, keith, welcome to the chat

kogayne: thanks

pidgeoto: so are you gay

kogayne: what?

pidgeoto: because your name’s ko GAY ne

kogayne: no that’s just a dumb joke

kogayne: it doesn’t mean anything ok

pidgeoto: okay

pidgeoto: wanna come sit with us?

kogayne: uh

tailor: its okay

tailor: besides, im sure his emo posse wants him to sit with them anyways

kogayne: my what?

tailor: your friends

kogayne: bitch, where?

tailor: your fucking emo posse that follows you around all the time

kogayne: you mean,,, James and his friends??

tailor: sure

kogayne: they’re not friends

tailor: so what you just keep them around for show?

kogayne: what no of course i dont

kogayne: they’re just not my friends okay

tailor: suuurrre

kogayne: ugh

kogayne: thanks for adding me to this group pidgeoto

pidgeoto: my names katie

pidgeoto: but you must call me pidge okay

kogayne: okay

kogayne: my names keith and honestly i dont care what you call me at this point

pidgeoto: nicccce

lambsauce: well im hunk and i like your drawings keith

kogayne: but,, you haven’t seen them before??

lambsauce: yes but pidge likes them and i know pidge enough to know that she has good artistic taste

lambsauce: unlike lance who religiously listens to the spongebob campfire song

kogayne: you guys are weird

tailor: yeah well fuck you

lambsauce: lance

tailor: what

lambsauce: that was mean

tailor: so is calling us weird!

lambsauce: apologise, now

tailor: ugh

tailor: sorry

lambsauce: keith

kogayne: yes

lambsauce: apologize

kogayne: im sorry

lambsauce: good

lambsauce: now join us for lunch

kogayne: lunch just ended

lambsauce: *tomorrow join us for lunch

kogayne: ...okay

pidgeoto: god were all so useless

kogayne: id fight that but i cant fight that

Chapter Text

pidgeoto: keith why the hell are you at school at five in the morning

kogayne: because i have a job?

pidgeoto: at school at five in the morning?!

kogayne: yes?

pidgeoto: every day?!

kogayne: no

kogayne: teenagers are only legally allowed to work eighteen hours a week during the school year so of course i dont

pidgeoto: oh okay so ur a janitor

kogayne: yes why

pidgeoto: ~nothing

pidgeoto: but if i needed it could you let me into mr fucksters room

pidgeoto: because i need it

kogayne: we’ll both get in trouble

pidgeoto: i can disable the secrity cameras

kogayne: the secrity cameras

pidgeoto: fuck you and fuck spelling

kogayne: sorry but why do you need to get into mccallisters office

pidgeoto: fucker took my droid and won’t give it back

kogayne: your...what?

pidgeoto: my robot

kogayne: okay

pidgeoto: you’ll help me?

kogayne: ...fine

kogayne: but only because you like my robot lions

-:-

@sirlancelot has added @keef , @piwwge , @the hunkster to Voltroes

keef: why am i in another chat?

sirlancelot: the real question is why did you wake me up at five in the morning, sir

keef: it was an accident

the hunkster: no but for real lance why are we switching chats

sirlancelot: we’re not

sirlancelot: we’re just...taking precautions

keef: what does that mean?

sirlancelot: i think there’s a spy in our ranks

the hunkster: but there’s only five of us?

piwwge: keith did it

keef: w h a t

piwwge: well i did it but keith gave me the resources to do it so honestly i think he should take the blame

keef: what are you talking about?!

piwwge: remember when you gave me shiro’s contact?

sirlancelot: wait you mean The Shiro??!

sirlancelot: how the fuck do you know Takashi Shirogane?!

keef: uh…

keef: he’s my brother

the hunkster: wow i guess i can kind of see the resemblance

keef: im adopted

the hunkster: ignore me

sirlancelot: you’re related to Takashi Shirogane ?!?!

piwwge: yes well anyways i added him and matt and their girlfriend

sirlancelot: you did w h a t

keef: wait what

the hunkster: oh god pidge which chat did you add them to

piwwge: ~both of them :)

Princess: What is this?

piwwge: hi allura

Princess: Katie?

piwwge: my name is piwwge can you read

Princess: My apologies, piwwge. What am I doing here?

sirlancelot: im sorry, can you help me find my way?

sirlancelot: it seems i got lost in your eyes

Princess: I have two boyfriends, thanks.

sirlancelot: damn

ShiroGone: keith why am i here

keef: i don’t know

ShiroGone: nice name

keef:

…………………./´¯/)

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……..(‘(…´…´…. ¯~/’…’)

………\……………....’…../

……….”…\…….. _.·´

………...…\……………..(......

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sirlancelot: damn keith what are you an artist

keef: yes?

sirlancelot: oh

sirlancelot: anyways pidge who’s the princess

piwwge: matt and shiros girlfriend

sirlancelot: wait matt and shiro are dating

sirlancelot: wait who is matt

sirlancelot: pidge explain

Matey: My name is Matt and I’m Katie’s sister.

piwwge: yes hes my ssister obviously

Princess: Guess I’m a half-lesbian now.

ShiroGone: And I thought I only had one girlfriend.

Matey: Damn you. Twas merely an error. I am Pidge’s brother and my boyfriend sucks.

sirlancelot: not your girlfriend?

Matey: If I say she sucks she can and will literally dropkick me into the sun.

sirlancelot: that’s kinda hot

Matey: Right

the hunkster: guys can i add my girlfriend

the hunkster: i mean i get it if that’s too weird but she’s really nice and i want you to meet her but she goes to a different school and we only recently started dating sorry i didnt tell you sooner i was just really busy but if it’s okay can i add her to this chat

sirlancelot: hunk

the hunkster: yes

sirlancelot: sure

the hunkster: okay

the hunkster: wait really

sirlancelot: duh, i want to meet her

sirlancelot: so add her already

@the hunkster has added @Shay to Voltroes

Shay: Oh. Hello.

Shay: What is this?

the hunkster: remember the group chat i talked to you about yesterday

Shay: Oh. Oh. That group chat. Hello!

Princess: Hello. My name is Allura, and I am dating Shiro and Matt.

Shay: That’s nice but I know none of those people.

Princess: Keith and Katie’s brothers?

Shay: Still no, sorry.

Princess: No matter. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Shay: And I you, Allura.

Shay: Is it always this...quiet?

Princess: From what I can gather, not at all.

Shay: Oh, are you new here as well?

Princess: I arrived into this chat only a few hours before you did.

Shay: I see. Well, what do you know of the other people in this chat?

Princess: Hm. Well, Lance is a flirt, that I can tell. Pidge, or katie, is smart and a bit awkward, but has good intentions. Keith, even though I’m dating his brother, I know little about. He’s quiet, and likes to create, but that’s about all I know. Shiro’s one of my boyfriends, and he’s tall and happy all the time. He likes animals and has the most gorgeous eyes. Matt is smart, like his sister.

Shay: I see. Well, I shall hope to know them well!

Princess: And me as well.

sirlancelot: guys that rhymed

Princess: It did?

sirlancelot: yeah cause well and well rhyme

pidgeoto: theyre the same word you dunce

kogayne: lance rumtegs looking right at you put your phone dowsdklfj

ShiroGone: Guys pay attention.

pidgeoto: wait what happened keith

sirlancelot: Mr. Rumteg took his phone lmfaofdggggh

pidgeoto: wanna bet that lance got his phone taken too?

ShiroGone: suckers bet

pidgeoto: i mean,

pidgeoto: sucks to suck ¯\_(ツ)_/

-:-

the hunkster: they’re going to get their phones back

the hunkster: imma wait for them

Shay: That’s so nice of you, Hunk!

the hunkster: i mean not really

Shay: It totally is!

the hunkster: thanks

Shay: :)

the hunkster: wait lance came out

ShiroGone: where’s keith?

the hunkster: probably still in there im not sure

sirlancelot: Mr. Rumteg wouldn’t give our phones back because idk but keith convinced him to give mine back and then Mr. Rumteg started yelling at him

pidgeoto: what was he even yelling about?

sirlancelot: i dont really know he mentioned something about a file and calling his parents

ShiroGone: Thank you, Lance. I’ll head down there.

sirlancelot: no problem?

sirlancelot: what did Mr. Rumteg mean though?

ShiroGone: Ask Keith about it later. It’s up to him whether he tells you or not.

sirlancelot: okaaaay, so, hunk, pidge

pidgeoto: movies?

the hunkster: movies.

Matey: Ill drive you dweebs

Princess: You just want to watch the new anime movie in theaters you lying liar

Matey: d a m n this is bullying

Matey: but like,, u right

Princess: You’re a dork.

Matey: yeah but im ur dork

Princess: Don’t push it.

Matey: <3

Princess: -_- This is me sighing right now. This is my sighing face.

Princess: <3

Matey: aha yes my darling princess has admitted her feeling for me!!! <3<3<3<3<3

sirlancelot: you guys are so sappy

sirlancelot: i love it

pidgeoto: you say that until theyre up all night in your room screaming their feelings of affection at each other on a school night

Matey: that was one time KATIE

pidgeoto: sure MATTHEW are we going to the movies or not

pidgeoto: wait keith do you have your phone back

kogayne: yes

pidgeoto: do you want to come to the movies with us

kogayne: uh

pidgeoto: come on itll be fun

kogayne: i mean

pidgeoto: i want you to be there please dont leave me alone with the Domestic Friends

kogayne: okay

pidgeoto: do you need us to pick you up?

ShiroGone: No need. I’ll drive him.

pidgeoto: youre just doing that so you can see that movie with matt aren’t you

ShiroGone: What gave me away?

pidgeoto: youre dating Matt

kogayne: your k-pop collection and week-long anime binges

pidgeoto: damn him too

kogayne: its like him at matt were meant for each other

Princess: And I’m just here.

Shay: Aww, Ally, come over.

the hunkster: i didn’t know you guys were friends

Shay: What can I say? This group chat is Wild.

sirlancelot: you can say that again.

sirlancelot: hey Keith

kogayne: what

sirlancelot: i bet we can get to the theater before you guys do

kogayne: you’re on

-:-

pidgeoto: GUYS WERE GOING TOO FAST

Matey: I THINK WERE GOING AIRBORNE

pidgeoto: R U TEXTING WHILE DRIVING WHAT THE FUCK MATT UR GOING TO KILL US

kogayne: GUYS STOP GOING SO FAST

sirlancelot: NO A BET IS A BET I WILL NOT CEASE

Matey: BOOM WERE HERE FUCKERS

ShiroGone: Oh, finally.

sirlancelot: what do you mean ‘finally’?!

kogayne: we got here ages ago.

sirlancelot: but how?

kogayne: one word; hoverbike

sirlancelot: that isn’t a thing

sirlancelot: pidge tell keith that’s not a thing

pidgeoto: keiths brother is an astronaut i dont know if thats a thing

kogayne: its a thing and i built it

kogayne: look behind you

the hunkster: damn that paint job though

pidgeoto: but how did you make it fly

kogayne: a magician never reveals his secrets

sirlancelot: okay that does look really cool but guys were gonna be late for the movies if we dont get in line for snacks like, ten minutes ago

Matey: already on it losers

pidgeoto: he says, despite the fact that hes the biggest loser to ever walk the face of the earth

sirlancelot: hey keith i bet i can get a better seat than you

kogayne: wanna bet?

sirlancelot: race you

kogayne: hey WAIT THAT’S NOT FAIR YOU HAD A HEADSTART

ShiroGone: guys

Shirogone: -_-

Chapter Text

@Princess has added @Shay to BestFuckingFriends

Princess: What do you think they’re watching?

Sh ay: Whatever it is, it’s not nearly as cool as whatever we’re watching.

Princess: But we’re watching the Great British Baking Show

Shay: I know

Princess: Why aren’t we talking?

Shay: Why not.

Shay: Sometimes, I think it’s easier to write things than to say them aloud.

Princess: That’s definitely true.

Princess: How are things with Rax?

Shay: It’s...better. He’s a lot different from before, though.

Princess: It’s been a long time, though. He’s bound to have changed, as have you.

Shay: No, I mean before he used to...I don’t know, relax. He used to watch cartoons with me and braid my hair and we’d make cookies together and now he’s all cold and aloof and I just don’t know what to say to him.

Princess: Hear me out here, because I’m not a mind-reader and I might be getting this wrong, but I think Rax is going through the same thing as you.

Shay: What do you mean?

Princess: Just like you feel like you no longer know your brother, he probably feels the same. He probably just doesn’t know how to talk to you anymore, and that might be what’s keeping him away.

Shay: But what would I do about that? How can I show him that I’m the same girl as before?

Princess: That’s the thing, Shay. You’re not the same girl you were before. You have to rebuild that relationship, and honestly, I haven’t the faintest idea where you should start.

Shay: Thanks, Allura. You’re the bestest best friend a girl could ask for, even if we only met a couple of weeks ago.

Princess: You too, Shay. You’re amazing, and Hunk is lucky to have you.

Shay: damn is this room super dusty or what my eyes are w a t e r y

Princess: This baking show is so relaxing. And British.

Shay: oh hay ive been meaning to ask you are you in fact perhaps british yourself

Princess: Idk do I look like a…?

Shay: little bit

Princess: Yeah, I’m british. And you are?

Shay: My name’s Shay nice to meet you.

Princess: Oh my god, you’re so fucking valid.

Shay: Did you hear that

Princess: That sounded like a door.

Shay: My parents are out of town.

Princess: Why do you have a bat?!

Shay: You mean, why do you have a bat?

Princess: Why do I have a bat?

Shay: guys someone’s maybe breaking into my house rn

Princess: ‘guys,’ she says, despite me being the only other person in this chat.

Shay: shut the up frick its for fourth-wall breaking comedy

Princess: Where’s the punchline?

Shay: did you just……

Princess: I think I just punched your brother in the face.

Shay: aw shittos this is bad

Shay: oh i get it

Shay: “where's the punchline” and then you punched him

Princess: Really not funny, Shay. I just murdered you brother.

Shay: ah, he’s not dead

Shay: probably

Shay: help me move him to the couch?

Princess: Sure.

Shay: so i guess we should just...go back to watching the GBBS?

Princess: Or we could make apology brownies for your brother.

Shay: Or we could do both .

Princess: k anyone know how to make brownies

@Princess has added @Hunkers to BestFuckingFriends

Princess: Hunk we need brownies.

Hunkers: wwhen do u need them?

Princess: Like yesterday.

Hunkers: what kind of brownies.

Princess: The good kind.

Hunkers: k ill talk you through it

Shay: babe ily

Hunkers: oh

Hunkers: i love you as well

Princess: Brownies. Now, please.

Hunkers: okay so my names hunkety hunk and this is my show generic white people baking

Hunkers: today were gonna make marbled brownies which are hard to make but easy to bake and yeah theyre good

Hunkers: wait what are these brownies even for

Shay: ally punched my brother in the face and knocked him out old so their apology brownies

Princess: IN MY DEFENCE SOMEONE made it sound like there was a robber breaking in

Shay: Sorry I forgot my brother existed for a second okay

Hunkers: how are things with your brother, anayways?

Shay: they could be better but if we dont make these brownies theyll be a lot worse

Hunkers: okay so preheat the oven to 350 degrees mothertruckers its baking time

Shay: hunk do you love me

Hunkers: yes i do in fact

Shay: will you still love me after i tell you i dont know how to preheat an oven

Hunkers: …

Hunkers: yeah i love you but d a m n for real?

Shay: im sorry i failed cooking class four times but ive tried!

Hunkers: its okay babe i-still-ly

Hunkers: Allura can you preheat an oven

Princess: Oh, I already did.

Hunkers: okay well now were gonna do the hard measuring stuff

Shay: rax woke up OH S H I T what do i do

Shay: he asked me what was going on and i just stared at him and started crying shit

Princess: Add him to the chat.

Shay: why the fuck allura i love you but what

Princess: If you can’t explain out loud, do it over text like a basic bitch.

Shay: you know what fuck it

@Shay has added @t-rax to BestFuckingFriends

t-rax: why do i have a black eye and who is this

Shay: fucking scroll up

Shay: like way up man

(Several minutes later)

t-rax: ok so firstly w o w that was a wild ride

t-rax: secondly thank you for the apology brownie ideas its really sweet but im deathly allergic to chocolate

Shay: did i really

Shay: i juust tried to murder my own wholesome brother

t-rax: THIRDLY. Who are you.

Princess: me?

t-rax: no the other you

Princess: I’m Allura.

t-rax: nice but i meant the hunk one

Hunkster: I’m fucking your sister.

t-rax: im sorry wha t :)

Hunkster: Shit wait i meant to say dating gimme a sec i need to go jump off a bridge

t-rax: yes you do

Shay: Wow Hunk I Never Knew You Felt This Way

Hunkster: IM SORRY THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT

t-rax: wait you guys are dating

Shay: yes

t-rax: but not fucking

Shay: also yes

t-rax: im somehow okay with this

t-rax: i think your tall friend gave me a concussion

Princess: I am SO Sorry

t-rax: it’s okay

t-rax: hey wait is that the great british baking show

t-rax: shay were never changing the channel again i love this show

Shay: Me too

Shay: its so relaxing. And british.

t-rax: was that

t-rax: was that a king falls agent reagan spears reference

Shay: Oh my god it actually was

t-rax: yes so i love you sister

Shay: and i love reagan. shes so stupid i love it.

t-rax: right

Princess: So, I’m just gonna’ go…

t-rax: watch the door on your way out.

Shay: r00d

t-rax: no i mean i think i broke it when i was body-slammed into it

Princess: :/ in my defense it was to protect your sister from a potential enemy intruder

t-rax: ah yes that is i the potential enemy intruder and your OWN BLOOD BROTHER SHA Y

Shay: hush. look. baking show.

t-rax: can’t fight with that damnit

Hunkster: This has been a day.

Shay: wait hunk what movie were you watching

Hunkster: uhhh

Shay: it was that anime one right

t-rax: your boyfriend watches anime

Shay: hush demon brother

Hunkster: yeah it was the boruto one

t-rax: that one SUCKS

Hunkster: sorry to be rude but IT DOES NOT

t-rax: uh have you seen orochimaru’s parenting skills?

Hunkster: Okay valid but It Has MITSUKI and have you seen that child

t-rax: fair but also like 1/5 because not enough hugs

Hunkster: okay i cant fight that either d a mn

Hunkster: so im just gonna go to sleep now in this car its been a long day

Hunkster: the car broke down on the way home so im just gonna go to bed until someone wakes me up

Shay: Im gonna watch TGBBS with my bro but also hunk are they fixing the car

Hunkster: idk but im going to bed

Shay: kk goodnight <3

Hunkster: ggoodnight too <3

t-rax: im gonna sit here and watch the GBBS with my fav. Sibling

Shay: Im your only sibling

t-rax: I know, right?

Princess: I’m going to sleep at my good boyfriend’s house.

Shay: yes but which one

Princess: see that is the one thing you will never know :)

Shay: da m n

Chapter Text

@Ally has added @takashit to Bitches Gonna Bitch

Ally: hey fucker open up im at ur house

takashit: Allura why are you at my house?

takashit: I’m not even at my house. I’m at Matt’s house.

takashit: and why am i a fucker what did i do??

Ally: nothing im just freezing my balls off

takashit: didn’t know you had balls but okay

Ally: I’m about to stab you bitch

takashit: For any...particular reason?

Ally: I’m fucking cold.

takashit: Keith should be at home, just ring the bell

Ally: well hes not answering and im fucking cold shiro

takashit: ...okay. He’s probably just asleep. Give me like five minutes and ill head over and see what’s up.

Ally: >:c

takashit: Allura this is literally the meanest question I can ask you but I’m currently dying so...are you on your period?

Ally: bitch did you just

takashit: Look, I’m only asking because last I checked we were synced and I’m bleeding my mangina out here and I get it.

Ally: k so im breaking into your house ur taking too long and i dont like u right now

takashit: Allura no thats illegal

Ally: Allura yes .

Ally: That was...a lot easier than I thought it would be, actually.

takashit: Did you,,, actually just break into my good christian house?

Ally: Fuck you and maybe.

Ally: Keith isn’t here.

takashit: Great. -_- Well, all I can really do is hope that he isn’t dead and hasn’t been kidnapped. I’ll be there in a minute.

takashit: How did you even break in Allura?

Ally: I kicked the door down.

takashit: but ?? those doors can withstand like a thousand pounds of pressure.

Ally: idk but I kicked your weak ass doors down

takashit: okay im here

Ally: Thank god, finally. Ur house is freezing

takashit: Well, maybe it’s because someone decided to kick the door down.

Ally: Worth it.

takashit: I’m sure it was. Now let’s ride.

Ally: ...to Matt’s house?

takashit: sure.

Ally: Where’s Matt?

takashit: Why are We texting?

Ally: Answer the question.

takashit: idk he never made it home from the movies i guess

Ally: Where are Sam and Colleen?

takashit: On a cruise to Jamaica.

Ally: Who are you and what have you done with Shiro?

takashit: Oh takashit. You’ve caught me.

takashit: The truth is, I’m actually Shiro’s identical twin brother, Kuro.

Ally: Why go through all of this just to trick me?

takashit: Because you are a princess, and I your evil captor.

takashit: Now what knight will save you now?

Ally: That was one too many “now”’s.

Ally: And to answer your question: me, bitch.

takashit: oufghhhhhhhjh

takashit: my god that was a dropkick from hell

takashit: allura you may have broken my old man back

takashit: i concede

Ally: Wait, for real?!

takashit: no i think im okay just getting old

Ally: Maybe we should settle down a little.

takashit: matt has the new incredibles movie on dvd

Ally: PUT IT ON

takashit: problem is, I think I broke the dvd player when I was body-slammed into it during our JOKING game of pretend

Ally: I’m really sorry. I got...a little too in-character.

takashit: its fine. Im okay and matt has been needing a new one for awhile so it’s a win-win really.

takashit: do you think matt’s okay?

Ally: Maybe his car broke down.

takashit: matt mcscience holt? Doubtful

Ally: Fair point, but what else do you think happened?

takashit: idk maybe he got his wish come drue and was abducted by aliens

Ally: I thought that was your dream?

takashit: what can i say: great minds think alike.

Ally: Well are you thinking what I’m thinking?

takashit: probably not tbh

Ally: No Shiro, ice cream. Matt has ice cream.

takashit: wonderful idea actaully that’s totally what i was thinking

takashit: so should we...play a board game or something?

Ally: Does Matt even own any board games?

takashit: ...he has to. Probably.

Ally: Should we like...look or something?

takashit: But that means we have to Get Up

Ally: Then let’s just...idk let’s play twenty questions.

takashit: over the phone?

Ally: sure. i’ll start: shiro, how did you acquire your nickname?

takashit: suddenly im feeling really sleepy.

Ally: I’ll ask Matt if you don’t tell me the truth.

takashit: Fine. It’s because Keith couldn’t pronounce ‘Takashi’ when we first met, so I let him call me Shiro. Then matt started calling me it and it just spiraled from there.

Ally: How old was Keith when you first met him?

takashit: you have to take this stuff to the grave okay?

Ally: I promise.

takashit: i met him when he was thirteen. Im sure youve seen that when he gets stressed out he’ll start to stutter sometimes, but when he was younger it was a lot worse

takashit: idk why but his t’s gave him a lot of trouble and he already hardly talked but it embarrassed him a lot whenever he had to say my name so i just let him call me shiro

Ally: That’s not what I was expecting but honestly it’s just as adorable.

takashit: Do NOT tell Keith I told you, he might actually kill me for that.

Ally: I won’t, I promise.

takashit: so...my turn, right?

Ally: Why do I feel vaguely threatened right now?

takashit: wait someone’s at the back door

Ally: I can hear it

takashit: do you think it’s matt?

Ally: idk why would he use the back door?

takashit: fucking shit allura get behind me

takashit: that’s not even pidge the shadow’s too tall fuck

Ally: Who...is that?

takashit: I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

Ally: Did you just knock a potential burglar out by throwing your prothstetic?

takashit: maybe

takashit: i think...i think i know who that is

Ally: Who?

takashit: I’m not entirely sure, but, if i’m right, then there’s probably an explanation. Probably.

@takashit has added @Loser to Bitches Gonna Bitch

Loser: To what do I owe this pleasure?

Ally: Fucking...Lotor?!

takashit: i do not get paid enough for this.

Chapter Text

kogayne: guys it’s like three a.m. but i want mcdonalds someone drive me

tailor: why are u using the old chat

tailor: also we can’t the car broke down

kogayne: how the fuck did matthew science holt break his fucking car

tailor: idk man but it’s matt so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

kogayne: fair

kogayne: did you like toe movie

tailor: ah yes i loved the Toe Movie it was my favourite

pidgeoto: eww guys lance has a foot fetish

tailor: pidge ill fucking fight you

pidgeoto: sorry u cant im biking to mcdonalds

kogayne: how? Youre in the car with them aren’t you?

pidgeoto: i always take my handy-dandy notebook and my bike with me

pidgeoto: everywhere

kogayne: wait take me with you

pidgeoto: im like twenty miles away rn keith

kogayne: dont leave me alone pidge shiro went to allura’s house

pidgeoto: no

tailor: pidge has a spare bike ill take you keith

kogayne: wait really

kogayne: you dont have to

tailor: you live by the outlet by providence right?

kogayne: yeah but are you sure

tailor: just like meet me half-way

kogayne: okay but are you sure sure

tailor: start walking

kogayne: okay i’m running

tailor: im biking

tailor: hey i bet i can get to the halway point faster than you can

pidgeoto: “halway”

kogayne: youre on

kogayne: how long do you think it’ll take us to get to mcdonalds

pidgeoto: it’d take you morons like five minutes if you both just went to the one closest to you

kogayne: so like a couple of hours?

tailor: maybe one if we go fast

pidgeoto: whatever i’m already eating

tailor: must suck to be eating alone

pidgeoto: must suck to be biking so much

tailor: excuse you i love biking

pidgeoto: figures with legs like those

tailor: thank you

pidgeoto: it wasn’t actually a compliment

tailor: i don’t care it sounded like one

kogayne: so are you a cyclist?

tailor: yep! I used to do it a lot with my little sister but now she’s all boring and so i just do it whenever

kogayne: oh that’s cool

kogayne: you have a little sister?

tailor: mmm-hmm. Her name’s veronica and shes a bad-ass. She wants to be an astronaut when she grows up and she’s totally gonna get there

kogayne: is she in middle school?

tailor: yes but she’s taking some high school level engineering classes.

pidgeoto: oh my god guys please tell me you’re not texting each other while you bike

kogayne: i mean technically im not biking im just running

pidgeoto: both of you are going to die

tailor: nah i’m a master of texting while doing shit

pidgeoto: im not going to either of your funerals you dumasses

tailor: hey keith i see you

tailor: “lets meet halfway” keith: runs 70% of the way

kogayne: i didn’t realize how far id gone

tailor: what are you waiting for, hop on

kogayne: just,,, on?

tailor: oh my god youre such a useless gay

kogayne: im not gay

pidgeoto: keith’s not useless

tailor: fine youre a super useful straight

tailor: even though your name literally has the word gay in it

tailor: just throw your leg over and hold on tight

kogayne: this feels weird

tailor: yeah well its a one-man bike so it will probably feel a little off

tailor: off we go

tailor: damn its really nice out tonight

tailor: kinda cold though

kogayne: nah its just right

pidgeoto: well im in a mcdonalds so i win

tailor: i bet it doesnt even have a.c. katie

pidgeoto: damn you you bisexual fuckwad

kogayne: what does that even mean

pidgeoto: that he’s bisexual and a fuckwad

kogayne: no i meant the bisexual part

tailor: i like girls

kogayne: ok

tailor: and dudes

kogayne: oh

kogayne: okay

tailor: are you okay with that?

kogayne: should i not be?

tailor: no. i mean yes you can be fine but it’s up to you i mean

pidgeoto: god you guys are just confusing each other on purpose aren’t you

kogayne: no?

tailor: not at all

pidgeoto: okay goodnight im going to bed

kogayne: in the mcdonalds?

pidgeoto: in the fucking mcdonalds

pidgeoto: wake me up when you get here

tailor: but which mcdonalds are you at

pidgeoto: idk it’s mcdonalds figure it out

tailor: great. Super helpful.

kogayne: god theres a lot of stars out tonight

tailor: yeah i think there was a power surge downtown so a lot of the lights are out

tailor: its really pretty

kogayne: yeah it is

kogayne: todays been a long day

tailor: but its been a good one

kogayne: definitely

tailor: oh look were here

kogayne: is it the right one

tailor: i guess were gonna find out

kogayne: okay this is the twenty-fifth mcdonalds if shes not in here were just gonna have to let her die

tailor: just like,, natural selection.

kogayne: or something

kogayne: we’ll figure it out

tailor: that’s a big playground holy shit

kogayne: lance are you for real

kogayne: youre not even going to fit up those stairs

kogayne: lance the lady at the front is giving us weird looks

kogayne: lance

tailor: i think im stuck

kogayne: are you serious

tailor: no im lance and im very stuck

kogayne: youre an absolute dumbass

tailor: oh my god i think there’s someone else in here

kogayne: sure

tailor: im serious i can hear someone breathing

kogayne: are you sure it isn’t your own breathing

tailor: yes oh my fuck im going to die arent i

kogayne: youre not going to die

tailor: where’s pidge when you need her

kogayne: maybe it is pidge in there with you

tailor: you really think there’s something in here with me?!

kogayne: no but you just said

kogayne: nevermind

tailor: the breathing’s getting louder

kogayne: alright fuck it im going up

tailor: but youll die

kogayne: -_- see this? This is me not giving two shits.

tailor: hey keith?

kogayne: what

tailor: ah, nevermind

kogayne: ok

kogayne: alright i think i see you

kogayne: wait

tailor: what is it?!

kogayne: there’s a girl sleeping here. just,, chilling in the middle of the playground.

kogayne: im gonna wake her up

tailor: wait keith no

kogayne: keith yes

kogayne: she says her name is acxa.

tailor: that’s a weird name

kogayne: i think it’s kinda cool

tailor: now can you come and un-sick me please?

kogayne: yeah gimmie a sec

kogayne: dude?

kogayne: lance? Are you okay?

tailor: if she’s awake why hasn’t the heavy breathing stopped?

kogayne: where are you?

kogayne: acxa’s gonna help me get you out

tailor: but i already came out like four years ago?

kogayne: har har. But for real where are you?

tailor: by the top of the red slide

kogayne: this is weird

tailor: ???

kogayne: i just noticed this but acxa has a knife in her pocket

tailor: what?!

kogayne: it’s the same kind of knife i have. The one my mom gave to me when i was a baby.

Tailor: your mom gave you a knife when you were a baby?! What the hell dude?!

kogayne: this isn’t real.

kogayne: nope, not real, just a dream. A really, really weird dream.

tailor: what is going on?

kogayne: i asked her about the knife. She said her mom gives one to all of her kids.

kogayne: so uh, i guess i have a sister?

tailor: that’s really nice but i would like to be unstuck please

tailor: and find out what that heavy breathing is coming from

kogayne: what is that noise?

tailor: you hear it, too?

kogayne: fuck yeah i hear it it’s loud as shit

kogayne: what is it

tailor: idk but please unstick me

kogayne: how the fuck did you end up with your head in between your legs

tailor: im secretly a contortionist?

tailor: idk dude just help.

tailor: why is your sister laughing at me

tailor: this is bullying. Homophobia.

kogayne: don’t you mean bi-phobia?

tailor: yes hello my name is mimi and im terrified of anything two

tailor: you know, because the latin root for two is bi

kogayne: yeah no i figured

kogayne: anyways youre officially unstuck

tailor: i love our ability to function like normal people while spamming the old group chat

tailor: now help me find out what that noise is

kogayne: fine ill check over here

tailor: where’s here?

kogayne: here?

tailor: omg i think i found the source.

kogayne: is that,,,pidge?

kogayne: i was right

tailor: hello, mcdonalds delivery service? Bring me fries.

kogayne: who are you even talking to

tailor: your sister just went to get me fries lmfao idk who this chick is but i dig it

kogayne: you are not going to flirt with my sister who i just met

kogayne: anyways since i helped you you have to wake the gremlin

tailor: wait n o

kogayne : ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

tailor: make your new sister do it

kogayne: no she’s getting you fries

tailor: i hate you

kogayne: uh-huh. Love you too

kogayne: oh my god did i just

kogayne: pretend that didn’t happen

tailor: wait

tailor: do you like actually like me?

tailor: like “like” like me?

kogayne: well since ive already fucked myself over i might as well come out with it

kogayne: i like you

tailor: like as a friend?

kogayne: no lance not like a friend

tailor: so like as an enemy?

tailor: did you just

tailor: why is your sister laughing at me again

tailor: did you just kiss me

kogayne: just...yeah

tailor: wait why are you turning away you didn't even let me kiss back

pidgeoto: what the fuck guys

pidgeoto: where are my fries?

tailor: i'll share?

pidgeoto: you'd fuckin better

pidgeoto: so

pidgeoto: what'd i miss?

Chapter Text

takashi: so...you’re telling me that

takashi: no wait what are you telling me

Loser: Ezor and your friend have their engineering class at the same time after school. There was a fire alarm because some simpleton really fucked up and everyone was evacuated. Eventually, they were allowed back in to grab their stuff and go home. However, Ezor and your friend’s bags are alike in size, brand, and pins, so it appears that they mistook the other’s bag as their own.

takashit: and why exactly did they need to break into someone’s house when they aren’t home?!

Ally: I mean. shiro, you’re talking to the person who broke into your dorm just so they could get hair routines . do you even need to ask what they were doing here, bitch?

takashit: okay fair point

Loser: Anyways. Ezor found that the bag belonged to someone named “Pidge.” She tried to find this person herself, but couldn't. So she did the unthinkable.

takashit: broke into someone’s house???

Ally: murdered an entire alien race?

Loser: Spoke with Narti . Anyways, that...pleb helped Ezor find “Pidge’s” true identity. Which, since she’s Narti, she found out quickly. She gave Ezor the address and Ezor broke in to swap the backpacks.

Ally: god your so fucking dramatic lotor

Loser: It’s??? Literally not me doing anything???

Ally: sure whatever floats your boats now what do you want us to do with this strange blonde human

Loser: Why would I care?

takashit: because she’s part of your group, duh

Loser: ...text me the address and I’ll come pick her up.

Ally: ew gross you with feelings is weird

Loser: fuck you allison

Ally: thy name’s allura bitch

takashit: so,,i take it u 2 know each other?

Ally: were related

Loser: We’re cousins. My mother was her father’s sister.

takashit: nice...so im gonna go make sure i didn’t kill the blonde chick

takashit: cause i kinda,, threw a metal prothstetic at her

Loser: YOU DID WHAT?!?!

takashit: i thought she was a potential enemy intruder!

Ally: God this is like last time with Shay but even weirder

takashit: ???

Ally: shit that went down like two hours ago damn let a girl breathe

takashit: Lotor why am I getting messages from your silent growly one???

Loser: Fuck if I know. Acxa does what she damn well pleases.

takashit: are you close to the address?

Loser: Almost there.

Loser: Shit.

takashit: ??? lotor??? weasel face??? Legolas with more ass than leg?? U ok pal?

Ally: I fucking choked.

Loser: So...I may have been in a teensy-weensy little car accident.

Ally: did you finally die?

Loser: Broke my arm but, I lived, bitch.

Ally: for shame

Loser: :((( Why must you hate me??

Ally: You killed Shiro.

takashit: but??? I’m alive????

Ally: shuddup he killed shiro i hate him

takashit: ….okay.

takashit: anyways lotor the girls kinda waking up but im pretty sure she has a concussion. Sorry.

Loser: I’ll be there...eventually. I’m afraid it might take a little bit of time since they’re not letting me drive.

takashit: christ how long are they going to keep you?

Loser: The medic says forever, but Craig says a couple of hours.

Loser: Craig also says i should join his club.

Loser: I’m pretty sure it’s a cult.

Ally: who the fuck is craig

Loser: The ambulance driver, damn Allura. Who else?

Loser: He says he’ll teach me things.

takashit: just say no lotor

Ally: takashi we need an adult

takashit: ...allura we are the adults

Ally: yeah well we nead a real adult. An adultier adult. someone whos better at adultery

takashit: allura that doesn’t mean what you think it does

Ally: did i fucking stutter

takashit: a little bit yeah

Ally: lotor why couldn’t you have crashed into matts house and killed takashi?

Loser: Can’t talk I’m getting stitches in my face.

Ally: yo usaid you jsut broke your arm though? Why would you need stitches in your face?

takashit: damn the broody assassin wont leave me alone god

@takashit has added @lesbiacxa to Bitches Gonna Bitch

Ally: 2/10 uncreative and unnecessary naming skills

lesbiacxa: hay so fuck you

Ally: im straight

lesbiacxa: sounds fake

Ally: that’s fair tbh

lesbiacxa: anyways lotor are you finally dead?

Loser: If only.

lesbiacxa: shitface said something about you needing a ride?

Lotor: I’m the one who’s “shitface,” seeing as this shit is going to scar.

Lotor: I’m going to be ugly now.

Lotor: Acxa kill me, please.

Lotor: I can’t be ugly.

lesbiacxa: you already are get over yourself

lesbiacxa: but what happened to you face?

lesbiacxa: did curt finally beat your face in

Loser: No, my assistant did not beat my face in.

lesbiacxa: did kova finally kill you

lesbiacxa: do i need to cut your dads dick off

Loser: No.

lesbiacxa: because if need be i will destroy them

Ally: tbh same

lesbiacxa: i knew you weren’t straight

Ally: what does me wanting to cut zarkons dick off have anything to do with my sexuality?

lesbiacxa: no straight person would ever love lotor

Ally: I hate Lotor.

lesbiacxa: but you want to cut his enemy’s dick off

Ally: I hate zarkon more than i hate lotor

lesbiacxa: okay fair but youre still not straight

takashit: guys the concussed blondes awake and she...is now wrestling rover

Loser: Rover?

takashit: matthew mcscience holt’s dog

Loser: Oh.

takashit: are you okay

Loser: I can’t feel my face.

Loser: Oh my god, I think I’m high.

takashit: when would you even smoke weed i thought you were in the hospital

Loser: I’m niot sure, butj i tihnk im on a lot of pain meds right noe.

lesbiacxa: which hospital are you at lotor?

Loser: I’m not sure.

Loser: Hey, did you know Craig actualy is Coran.

Loser: like uncle Cioran Allyra. You like him, right?

Ally: uh yeah but he’s not an oh my god

takashit: coran? Isn’t he your weird uncle who works as an oh shit wait

lesbiacxa: what? Im lost

takashit: coran works as a traveling stripper

lesbiacxa: wait the weird mustache dude on third

lesbiacxa: i thought his name was craig

Loser: that;s what i said

takashit: lotor i don’t think your in an ambulance

Loser: Well where else would i be?

Ally: in my uncles van

Loser: my dad has a van?

Ally: no the other uncle

Loser: The cheeto one?

Ally: yeah that one

Loser: Wait but then why is craig here?

Ally: craig is coran

Loser: I’m Craig?

Loser: what rare you even saying?

Ally: how high are you

Loser: 5’4”

Ally: youre six foot two?

Loser:

Loser: fair pooint.

lesbiacxa: lotor where are u do i need to fight someone

lesbiacxa: ill kill them

Loser: I'm finnne i laready told you iI'm in the van with coran

Loser: hay that rhymed.

lesbiacxa: tell coran to take you to the hospital

Loser: He said "okay".

lesbiacxa: good ill see u there

Loser: WaAit which hospical?

lesbiacxa: maddison general

Loser: okay

Loser: wait why are you in the hospital

Loser: are you sick

lesbiacxa: ...ill see you there

Chapter Text

lesbiacxa: why is this my life

Ally: ?

lesbiacxa: i got lotor but he’s as high as an eroused penise

Ally: a WHAT

lesbiacxa: youre right im so sorry i mean an eroused ***penis

Ally: why are you... why ?

lesbiacxa: because

lesbiacxa: so text me ur friends address so i can pick up the slut

Ally: You call your friend a slut?

lesbiacxa: i mean she prefers the term “whore” but yeah

Ally: okay then

lesbiacxa: anyways

@lesbiacxa has muted @takashit from Bitches Gonna Bitch

Ally: ?

lesbiacxa: youre dating shiro right

Ally: yes?

lesbiacxa: i think we need to have a talk :)

Ally: why

lesbiacxa: thats personal

lesbiacxa: and ill be asking the questions here

lesbiacxa: do you know what’s gonna happen if you ever hurt shiro?

Ally: he’d cry and i’d cry and i’d never do it again?

lesbiacxa: id rip you apart limb from limb and then id shove your corpse in a blender :))

Ally: okay thats fair

Ally: but why are you so close? With shiro?

lesbiacxa: damn cant a girl have secrets?

Loser: they used to be ~~~~freidns~~~wev

lesbiacxa: lotor shut up your drunk

Loser: ur moms drunk

lesbiacxa: probably yeah

Loser: krolias a baddass

lesbiacxa: also probable

Ally: so can i add shiro back to the chat/unmute him

@Loser has unmuted @takashit from Bitches Gonna Bitch

Loser: hiiiiiiiiiiii shiro

Loser: your hairs so preityy how do you do ti

Loser: what are youjr secerset///

Loser: ooposps i meant??? not ///

takashit: i take it back i wanna be muted again

Loser: meeeeeeeeeeean whyre youg uys always so mean to ne

takashit: nope nope nope imma go arm wrestle the concussed blonde again

Ally: Not if i get there first

takashit: well played allura well played

lesbiacxa: were here im getting out

Loser: me too

takashit: lotor stay there

Loser: nooooo i dont wannna

takashit: shit lotor why are you crying

Ally: you made him cry?!

Ally: come inside lotor its okay

Loser: :D

Loser: i like allura

lesbiacxa: she’s your cousin

Loser: i knoww,,,,shes agreat cousim

lesbiacxa: okay everyone in the car

lesbiacxa: lets go common ezor

takashit: growly one she isn’t in the chat

lesbiacxa: that means what

takashit: you have to use your voice to communicate to her

lesbiacxa: fuck you

Ally: I didn’t know you knew ASL acxa

lesbiacxa: lets keep it that way :))

Ally:

Ally: Shiro im going to be murdered

takashit: like you murdered me?

Ally: hey fuck you thats a low blow

Loser: hiiiiii ezor

takashit: ezor isnt in the chat guys

@Loser has added @Ezwhore to the Bitches Gonna Bitch

Ezwhore: u were sayyin?

Ezwhore: no seriously guys i couldn’t hear half of what you were saying i think i hit my head too hard

lesbiacxa: hospital?

Ezwhore: Nap.

lesbiaxca: okay get in the car

lesbiacxa: lotor get in the fucking car

Loser: i don’t  wannna

Loser: want to stay with lura

Loser: shes my favuoriet cousin

lesbiacxa: please get in the car so i can sleep

Ally: fuck it, you guys can just stay over. It’d be less stress, right?

lesbiacxa: fucking… fine

lesbiacxa: its so cold in here thoug

Ally: its because I broke the door

lesbiacxa: u got blankets

Ally: upstairs somewhere probablay

lesbiacxa: k will you watch Ezor

Ally: sure

lesbiacxa: k found one i’m going down

lesbiacxa: hnnNNNGGGGGGGGGHH

takashit: fuck

takashit: i thought they all left fcuk

takashit: i thought there was an intruder

Ally: fuckin,,, again?

lesbiacxa: fiuuuuuuUUUUUCK i fell down the dtairs

Ezwhore: i gotchu

lesbiacxa: marry me

Ezwhore: later. Hey aaaaaaaaacxa

lesbiacxa: yee?

Ezwhore: do you think narti likes me

lesbiacxa: you made out with her yesterdtay so maybaps

Ezwhore: she hawt

lesbiacxa: u hawy to

lesbiacxa: you can put me down now

takashit: my god they’re all concussed

Ally: Lotor’s braiding my hair and crying about zethrid’s ears

Ally: its equally concerning and endearing

Loser: they’re so laaaaaaaaaaaaarge

lesbiacxa: they r thooo

Ally: I love your bunny blanket acxa

takashit: she took the fucking bunny blanket?!

Ally: yes.

takashit: I hate you

Loser: heyy acxa

Loser: why do you have three arms

lesbiacxa: its a prothstetic

Ally: shiro did you fucking throw your arm again

Ally: shiro we can’t keep doing this

takashit: I don’t think all of us are going to survive the night

takashit: we need backup

Loser: heyy lura is this ur house

Ally: not it’s Matts

Loser: whosse matts

Ally: my boyfriend

Loser: you have a BOYFRIENDDDDDDDS?!

Ally: i have two

Loser: hoW Do YOU HAVE TWO i can’t even

Ally: lotor why are you crying

Loser: i dooooont knoow

Ally: lets go to bed then okay?

takashit: please

Ezwhore: i dont wanna

Ally: youre concussed you have to

Ezwhore: I don’t know what that means

Ally: go to bed

Ezwhore: k

Loser: im ccold

lesbiaxa: here Lotor u can share my bunny blanket

takashit: bed

Loser: okay dad

takashit: and acxa

takashit: give me back my arm

lesbiacxa: no its mine now

lesbiacxa: you threw it away so its mine now

takashit: fuck you

Ally: I’m confiscating the phones and turning off the lights. It’s bed time you guys.

Loser: allurar i love you but it will fight you

Ally: lotor you cant even stand up straight go to bed

Loser: fine but tommor youll be screwed

Ally: good night lotor

Chapter Text

@Hunk has added @dormatt to What Is Wrong With The Car

Hunk: i woke up and i was still in the car and we were still on the road by the shady house what’s happening

dormatt: I honestly dont know it just wont start

Hunk: can you like call your parents or something?

dormatt: they’re on a cruise

Hunk: well fuck

Hunk: what are we gonna do?

dormatt: I don’t know

dormatt: i tried calling shiro and allura but they died i guess? And katie and lance took the bikes to mcdonalds

Hunk: well frick

dormatt: do you know anyone you can ask to get us a ride?

Hunk: no

Hunk: wait maybe

Hunk: I have a grilfriend but she can’t drive but her brother can

Hunk: let me add them

@Hunk has added @nonuts and @Yash to What Is Wrong With The Car

Yash: hi hunk!

Hunk: no nuts? Really? Also hi shay i love you

no nuts: because i’m allergic to nuts

Yash: love you too bro

no nuts: so why are you messaging us at ass-crack in the morning/night

Hunk: our car broke down forever ago and we have no one else to call

no nuts: ugh. I have a concussion from Shays friend but sure. Just tell me where you are

dormatt: a concussion? and we’re near the haunted house down by Altherstein. Like literally right next to it

no nuts: cool. So it’ll take at least an hour and a half to get there

dormatt: alright then

Hunk: why are you getting out of the car

Hunk: Matthew Elizabeth Luifer stop it right now

Hunk: back away from the house

no nuts: you’re going through the haunted house?

no nuts: that takes nuts. Which i dont have

no nuts: because i’m allergic

Hunk: yeah no matthew stop

Hunk: you BETTER STOP!

Yash: have fun hunting ghosts im going to bed in the car

Hunk: alright goodnight i love you and MATTHEW NO

Hunk: he went in

no nuts: good for him

Hunk: I don’t like you very much right now

no nuts: yeah i think shay forgot to tell you i’m an asshole

no nuts: anyways i’m on my way but are you going to follow him?

Hunk: I’d better. From what I know, Matt’s kind of an agent of chaos and attracter of danger

no nuts: well have fun

Hunk: yay -_-

dormatt: I’m in the kitchen btw

Hunk: what are you doing in the kitchen?

dormatt: I found McDonald’s bags with food in it

Hunk: do… do you even know what that means

dormatt: that we have mcdonalds?

Hunk: that someone else was or IS here

dormatt: cool its a party

Hunk: NO. NOT COOL. VERY NOT COOL.

dormatt: come on hunk live a little

dormatt: lets go find some friends and eat these burgers

Hunk: Did you hear that?!

dormatt: yeah its probably a friend

Hunk: That WAS A SCREAM OF TERROR MATTHEW

dormatt: maybe they’re scared of the dark man idk what to tell you

Hunk: WE NEED TO GO

dormatt: I’m not done eating my cheezburger

dormatt: I’m going upstairs

Hunk: oh my god why

dormatt: oh hey there’s red paint on the wall

Hunk: We call that blood damnit! We need to get out of here

dormatt: take a chill pill hunkster

Hunk: no

dormatt: hey look there’s light under this door

Hunk: Matthew don’t go in

dormatt: i went in

dormatt: come here dude you’re not gonna believe this

dormatt: this is my life now man

Hunk: holy shit

Hunk: is that… your parents?

dormatt: maybe?

Hunk: I thought they were on a cruise?

dormatt: so did I

Hunk: alright then

dormatt: so were just gonna leave and never speak of this again

Hunk: what if they’ve been kidnapped

dormatt: I doubt it

dormatt: anyways lets go to the car

no nuts: we’re here

Hunk: So are Mat’s parents

dormatt: shut up you said you wouldn’t tell

Hunk: I said no such thing

dormatt: the utter disbelief

dormatt: the absolute betrayl

no nuts: so do you need a ride? Because i just drove for like two hours

Hunk: please take me home my moms are gonna be worried

Hunk: I said I’d be home by like ten

no nuts: good news is, it’s almost ten

Hunk: IN THE MORNING!!!

no nuts: yeah anyways get in the car

dormatt: don’t mind if I do

no nuts: hey is that mcdonalds

dormatt: yee

no nuts: where’d you get it

dormatt: kitchen in the house

no nuts: the haunted one?

dormatt: yee

no nuts: gimmie some

dormatt: k

Hunk: I’m going to bed

no nuts: you can share the blanket with shay. She’s in the back. just no funny business

Hunk: right. i'll ignore that. nap time

dormatt: so.

dormatt: i just realized i have no idea who you are

no nuts: idk i’m shay’s sister

no nuts: wait i meant brother

no nuts: when you misgender yourself

dormatt: nice okay but i have no idea who shay is

no nuts: hunks girlfriend

dormatt: truth is i don’t actually know who hunk is either

dormatt: ive just accepted the fact that ill never know what’s going on and who everyone is

no nuts: alright. I can understand that

no nuts: well my name’s rax

no nuts: i’m allergic to nuts

no nuts: i’m also really good at texting while driving

dormatt: i see

dormatt: my name is matt

dormatt: i’m like a doormat

no nuts: because you both have “mat” in it

dormatt: no because people walk all over me

no nuts: alright. So where’s your house?

dormatt: god it’s at sinep street

no nuts: that’s not a real street

no nuts: that’s just penis backwards

dormatt: that’s what IVE BEEN SAYING!

dormatt: but it is my real street

dormatt: please take me home

no nuts: alright

dormatt: imma take a nap. Please wake me up when we get there

no nuts: k

no nuts: were there

dormatt: alright

no nuts: are you sure this is your house?

no nuts: there’s no door

dormatt: great.

dormatt: wanna sleep at our house?

no nuts: you know what? Fuck it

no nuts: hunk wake up its time to sleep

Hunk: those statements contradict eachother

Hunk: what happened to the door

dormatt: well figure it out tomorrow

dormatt: wait

dormatt: who the fuck is in my house

Chapter Text

axzure: im a lesbien

Ezor: oh my god,, r u a psychic cuz i was just thinking that

axzure: nah that’s narti’s job

Ezor: yeah but shes a terrible palmreader

Legolas: We do not mention that pleb.

Ezor: ok sure but you and i both know it was totally an accident

Legolas: She stabbed me in my literal back.

Ezor: with a pencil get over yourself

Legolas: That shit hurting .

Zethanphetamine: guys

Zethanphetamine: calmeth the fucketh downeth

axzure: you do realize that adding -th doesn’t make you sound fancy right

Zethanphetamine: fucking fight me babe idc how pretty you are ill fucketh you upeth

Legolas: Why? Why is this my life?

Ezor: speaking of narti where is that bitch like y she no in group chat?

Legolas: Because she sucks dick.

axzure: no more than you do, princess

Zethanphetamine: ezzy...she’s blind

Ezor: oh

Ezor: right

Ezor: i know that

Legolas: I hate Narti.

axzure: yeah sure you do and i hate my little brother

Ezor: your what

Ezor: wait y do u hate ur lil bro

axzure: i dont i was proving a point

axzure: forget it forget i said shit

Legolas: You have a brother that I haven’t even met?????

axzure: yeah well in my defense i met him like last week

Legolas: ???????

axzure: mom fucked a guy and had a kid but had to go back to her home so they split up and then she met my dad and fucked him and had a kid and then he died and then we moved here but the kid also moved here when his dad died and apparently the kid’s name is keith and i met him at mcd’s last week when Shit Went Down In A Playground so yea i have a little brother

Legolas: Do you have his contacts?

axzure: no he doesn’t use contacts his eyes are fine

axzure: i think

axzure: why would i have his contacts lotor you’re so fucking weird

Legolas: *his phone information

axzure: oh

axzure: yes i have that

axzure: but why ask?

Legolas: Add him.

axzure: no wait that’s a horrible idea

Legolas: add him

axzure: no that’s like the worst idea you’ve ever had

axzure: even worse than when we broke into shirogone’s apartment so we could find his skin care routine

Legolas: That was a brilliant idea now add him.

axzure: god fine but when this ends badly im blaming you and adding narti to the chat

Legolas: Don’t you dare.

@axzure has added @littleloser to The Bitches, The Hoes, The Beasts (and Lotor’s white ass)

Legolas: Welcome, young one.

Legolas: It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Keith.

littleloser: is this a cult

axzure: no it isn’t a cult

littleloser: are you certain because this feels an awful lot like a cult

axzure: it’s not a cult

axzure: the princess just talks like he’s an alien prince from fucking,, andromeda or something

axzure: sorry for adding you to this mess my hand was forced

littleloser: you’re...fine? But what is this, and who is everybody?

Ezor: i’m a lesbien

littleloser: nice

Ezor: everyone else is also a lesbien

Legolas: I am a male.

Ezor: he’s just in denial

Legolas: I do not understand you at all, woman.

Ezor: is that y ur single lotor

Legolas: No, I’m single because I have no interest in being in a relationship with anyone.

littleloser: wait you’re lotor

littleloser: like The Lotor?

Legolas: Uh, idk, probably.

Legolas: How many Lotors are there?

Zethanphetamine: oh wait i forgoteth that were a meme now because of the thing at apt. 127 last april

littleloser: that was you ?!

littleloser: acxa you never said you went to the garrison!

axzure: i didn’t know it was important

axzure: why is it, exactly?

littleloser: because i go to the garrison

Legolas: Well then.

Ezor: dudes weve prolly seen Keith like all the time in the halls and we never even realized

axzure: i literally just told you guys about him

Ezor: quit ruining my jam bitch

axzure: fucking fight me

Legolas: Acxa, please stop trying to fight everyone.

axzure: why tho

Legolas: Because we’re all obligated to fight with you and disregard all common sense.

axzure: fucking fine

Ezor: anyways keith i have the intense desire to meet u what lunch do u have

littleloser: c lunch i think

Ezor: damnit

Ezor: so im skipping calc tomorrow to meet u keef

littleloser: wait don’t do that school is important

Zethanphetamine: damn acxa you sure he’s realted to you?

axzure: haha. funny. -_-

littleloser: you guys added me to something does that mean that i can add you to something acxa?

axzure: what kind of something

littleloser: a chat so you can meet my brother

axzure: mom had another kid?

littleloser: no my adopted brother

axzure: sure but have you told him about me

littleloser: a little bit, yeah. He wants to meet you

axzure: fine go ahead

Legolas: Well.

Zethanphetamine: that ‘ought to be interesting

Ezor: i wonder if keith’s brother goes to the garrison too?

Ezor: nah probably not

@mcr has added @lesbien and @takashi to Meet Thy Brethren

lesbien: that name sounds like a christian soup party

mcr: a...soup party

lesbien: yes those are real things that real christians do

mcr: and you would know this how?

lesbien: yes

takashi: Hell, Acxa. It’s nice to finally meet you.

lesbien: oh shit waddup thy name’s acxa

mcr: “hell, acxa” that’s how im saying hi to people forever now

takashi: keith.

mcr: hell, takashi

takashi: why do i even try

lesbien: i ask myself that very same question every day

takashi: have you found an answer

lesbien: im pretty sure there isn’t one

lesbien: so my name’s Acxa ;)

takashi: what’s your last name?

lesbien: did you not see the winky face at the end

takashi: alright. My name’s Takashi Shirogone.

lesbien: wait.

lesbien: did you just say

lesbien: fuck

takashi: what’s wrong?

lesbien: my name’s acxa.

takashi: yes?

lesbien: im with lotor

takashi: you son of a biscuit-eater

mcr: wtf shiro????

lesbien: you didn’t tell me your older brother was Takashi Shirogone.

takashi: i want my MtG cards back.

lesbien: take that up with Ezor. i don’t have your nerd cards, shito

takashi: i hate you

lesbien: nice to know our feelings are mutual :)

mcr: guys what the fuck

takashi: keith, do you remember when lotor broke into my house and took all of my Magic: the gathering cards?

mcr: you mean your nerd cards?

takashi: the one who took them is your sister.

mcr: pffft sure

takashi: im fucking serious rightn ow

takashi: i want those cards back

lesbien: okay look it wasn’t for the cards we broke in to find your skin and hair routines

takashi: routines?

lesbien: yes , because princess lotor is fucking vain as shit and as his friend im legally obligated to follow him through his shitty choices

takashi: i see

takashi: i still want those cards back

mcr: what is even going on

takashi: im threatening an old friend

lesbien: yeah youre shit at threats

takashi: trust me, im aware

lesbien: i thought you were takashi?

takashi: anyways acxa, its been awhile.

mcr: you guys know each other?

lesbien: in middle school we knew each other

takashi: we were the fucking best dynamic duo ever

lesbien: ikr?!

takashi: and now i guess were like sort-of siblings

lesbien: yep.

takashi: damn the world is wild

takashi: and the weird thing is, we were talking to each other like yesterday?? a little bit?

lesbien: tell me about it

takashi: that’s what i was doing

lesbien: you little shit

mcr: i kissed lance last night

takashi: oh thank fuck finally.

mcr: ???

takashi: nothing allura and matt just owe me an...exponential amount of money.

mcr: did you really bet on me?

takashi: i would never. I bet on klance

mcr: jesus christ shiro.

lesbien: who’s lance?

mcr: pretty boy from last night.

lesbien: i see

lesbien: good choice 9/10 i approve

mcr: only a nine?

lesbien: god youre totally right 12/10 have fun be safe and good luck bro

mcr: no one in my immediate family is straight

lesbien: im a lesbien, moms bisexual, you’re definitely gay but what’s shiro?

takashi: i am homosexual with a side of girls.

lesbien: *gasps* mon dieu!

takashi: oui oui croissant la pansexual

mcr: you know i think i liked it better back when i didn’t know you -_-

lesbien: do you mean: yesterday ?

mcr: yes