Chapter Text
“I feel like there is something of great importance that I should be involved in,” said Tony, as the car stopped. “Problem is, I can’t remember.”
“Is it really that important, if you can’t remember it?”
Tony inclined his head in agreement, because Xi did have a point. Important things that did not involve him could hardly be that important. Because who’d be the main character then? Someone other than him? That didn’t even sound believable.
Rumination completed, he turned to the other three current inhabitants of the car, expectantly.
“Am I going to hear good and nothing but good things when I step out of this car and into that non Maria Stark approved school of yours?”
“You will certainly hear words,” said Harley, completely unrepentantly and with the air of someone who was up to something.
As this was how Harley always looked, Tony was having a hard time determining if he was up to something or if he was, for once, innocent.
He had long decided that his children were always innocent of any wrong doing, but also that Harley was a mini villain in the making, so this was all in Schrödinger and his cat’s hands, at this point.
“Pete? Xi?”
Xialing shrugged, looking so unbothered it was hard to believe she could ever be guilty of any crime. At the same time, Tony had seen her steal Darcy’s hairbrush, frame Nebula for it, and look completely innocent the entire time.
Nebula didn’t even have hair!
Meanwhile Peter looked a little too like he wanted to look innocent for Tony to believe he was actually innocent.
He sighed. “Do I need to bring in my bag with the checks and my check-writing pen? How many bribes will I have to pay off as soon as we step through those ugly prison-like double doors?”
No wonder Harley was already on the path of delinquency. The school was using its outside look of a prison to influence his poor child into committing crimes.
Everyone knew that there was a 50% chance of a criminal to re-offend in the US.
“Your lack of faith in us actually hurts, dad,” complained Harley, opening the door. “We are your completely innocent children.”
“My genes, leftover of Howard Stark, are unable to create a fully innocent child,” said Tony, accepting Happy’s hand.
Today he was wearing the epitome of a rich mom look, which included an overly large hat and a pair of silk gloves. Not the slapping kind, though he did have those in his bag anyway.
“You get used to it,” said Peter.
He was speaking to Xialing, who was looking between Tony and the school with some clear judgement.
“Dad is, after all, rich enough that people have stopped trying to understand or dictate what he does or doesn’t do. Why do you think that the guy you almost killed never spoke badly about dad to embarrass me?”
“I thought Harley had gotten to him before I did,” admitted the girl.
“Nope,” said Harley. “Like obviously I had plans for Flash – plans that involved bodily harm, total social destruction, possibly the fall of his parent’s monetary empire. But you got your hands on him before I could put them into action. Which I have not, by the way, forgiven you for.”
“Flash Thomson?” asked Tony, completely innocently and calmly, like they were all talking of the weather.
His three evil spawns glanced at him, and then huddled closer to one another as they walked, now making sure to whisper.
“You see what I have to go through, Hap?” he asked, ignoring the parents and children staring at him. “They don’t even talk to me anymore.”
“They were talking to you in the car.”
“It’s not the same,” whined Tony. “I threaten one of their classmates once, and suddenly I am not to be trusted with information about what is going on in their school and lives. Does that sound fair to you?”
“Yes.”
“I wish–”
“Tony, dear.”
“Matilda,” said Tony, plastering a fake smile on his face. “What a surprise!”
“A nice one, I hope,” she said, chuckling.
Tony also chuckled. “You should keep hoping. How’s your daughter?”
“A bit let down that Peter didn’t come to her birthday party, to be honest,” she said, glancing at the trio. “You guys have been friends for so long, you–”
“Were incredibly busy,” said Tony, moving slightly in front of Peter. “You know how it is, rich son of a rich man. His agenda has an agenda, and then he’s got so much on his plate, with getting into university.”
“You shouldn’t overwork him like that,” she said, tutting in disapproval.
“You shouldn’t wear that eyeshadow and lipgloss combination because it washes you out,” answered Tony, without hesitation. “If we’re offering advice.”
Her smile grew strained. “You shouldn’t wear hats indoor. It’s horribly tacky, don’t you think?”
“Not so much when the hat is more expensive than the school.”
“Really? What about when it’s more expensive than the scholarships some of the students in said school are on?”
“Still not, considering my more than generous contributions into said scholarships.” He smiled. “Did you know there is talk of naming one of the science labs after me?”
“As my husband and I don’t offer money in exchange for naming rights, no, we wouldn’t.”
“I doubt you have spent enough to get offered, without prompting, said naming rights,” commented Tony. “I mean, we all saw your faces at the last School meeting when you barely scratched the top 10 of the school donor list. Number 11, wasn’t it?”
Matilda’s face turned very red - enough to make the blush on her face obsolete 0 but she had nothing to add.
“Bye bye now,” said Tony, giving her air kisses before marching towards the gym with his kids in tow.
“Sometimes I forget,” he heard Xialing whisper behind him.
“Forget what?”
“That our father is a bad bitch.”
Tony did not turn around at the beat of silence that followed.
“Same,” said Harley, and he definitely kept the little smug smile to himself following that.
Though, inside, he was jumping up and down because his children though he was a bad bitch! They thought he was awesome!
His children liked him!
He knew he was the best parent in the history of parents ever.
It was still nice to hear that from the not-horse’s (because his children were not soulless monsters) mouth.
He didn’t say that, though.
Instead he waited for the couple in front of him to open the doors for him (which they did, with some confusion) and then walked inside of the gym.
Immediately, he was... not pleased.
“Really?” he asked, looking at the state of the gymnasium. “Where does the money I give them go?”
“Repairing the damages Harley makes to the structural integrity of the building or the lawsuits from the kids Xialing nearly kills,” said Peter, sidestepping his siblings’ attacks before they could even load up. “Or something that is not that.”
“And they can’t even teach you to lie without lying properly,” said Tony, shaking his head. “I don’t see why you guy continue refusing my offer to home-school you.”
“You home-school Mantis and have exchanged her Maths classes with work experience,” said Harley, one eyebrow raised.
“And what’s wrong with that?”
“Your ‘work experience’ is taking her out lunch and shopping so that she can judge people with you.”
“It’s work experience!” insisted Tony.
“For what job?!”
"Trophy spouse.”
“... Okay, I walked straight into that,” said Peter, shaking his head. “Who do you want to talk to first? Maths teacher? Science? English?”
“Boring, no, and hell no,” said Tony, scanning the room. “Oh, I like her top. Can I talk to her?”
“She doesn’t teach us, dad.”
“And why not? She should.”
“Because she’s wearing something you like?”
Tony gave him a ‘duh’ look. “What other possible explanation is there?”
“Come on, dad,” said Peter, finding their geography teacher – who was desperately looking around him, probably trying to summon someone else to come to him before Tony did.
Unfortunately for him, Tony was like a dangerous animal in the sense that he was often rare, very pretty and fluffy, and could smell fear.
The man audibly sighed when Tony dropped sideways on the chair, leg crossed over the other.
“Hello, Mr...”
“Uh- Marshall, Sir, uh Mister Stark. Doctor. Sir.” He offered him his hand, swallowing nervously. “Nice to meet you.”
“Arguably,” said Tony, accepting the hand, because he was nice and not because he was going to run his DNA when he went home just in case he needed blackmail material on the man.
Because that’d be insane.
“So, do tell me about my angels. And please,” he added, when the man looked even more nervous. “Feel free to be completely honest about any and all of their non-existent flaws. I am open to criticism about them and about my upbringing of them and will not have you fired if you speak your truth. I also don’t have lawyers on speed dial who could ruin your career if you tell me something bad about any of them.” He smiled. “Do go on.”
What? Terrifying members of the faculty was one of his favourite past times.
“I think this parent’s evening was a success,” said Tony, as they all got comfortable in the limousine again.
The chairs in the froyo place were more comfortable, but it had been too crowded and Peter had given him a dirty look when he had commented about buying everyone out.
“You scared the crap out of like half of our teachers,” pointed out Xialing.
“And the other half told me the truth.”
“Half of the other half has known you for longer and was less scared of you.”
“And the other half–”
“One fourth–”
“Literally choke, Peter–”
“That one fourth is scared of you already.”
Tony rolled his eyes, taking a bite out of his froyo just to watch the three’s nose twist in disgust.
“I already know what you guys are like, I don’t need them to tell me.”
“What we are at home–”
“Peter Parker Stark, very smart, very well behaved, but has been slacking off as of late in most subjects,” said Tony, one finger up. “Has quit band, and though he has taken extra time in biology class, has yet to show anything substantial from it. Still got good grades in everything except Spanish, which he is failing.”
He pointed at Xialing. “Xialing Xu Stark, a lot of behavioural issues due to upbringing. Struggles in Maths and English grammar, and has gaps in her knowledge. Is a quick learner when she applies herself, but tends to not apply herself. Failing History, and skating by everything else. Excels at PE.”
Then Harley. “Harley Keener-Stark. Also incredibly smart. All of his grades are top notch apart from, funnily enough, PE. However, has the terrible habit of not paying attention to anything other than what he wants, and the destructions he causes on a day to day is concerning. His behaviour would also be equally as concerning, did the faculty not suspect him of being a genius.”
He mixed his froyo with a spoon, smiling at the three of them.
Their shock was very funny.
“You hacked our records?”
“Please, that’s boring,” said Tony, waving him off. “No, I had Mantis go incognito and figure out your pattern of behaviour at school for extra credit.”
“Ta-dah!” said Mantis, opening a door and sliding inside with a hat that matched Tony’s and a froyo in her hands. “Surprise!”
“What the hell?!”
“How?!”
“That’s why you were stalking us at school,” said Xialing, nodding as if it all made sense.
Peter and Harley turned on her. “You knew?!”
“I saw her sneaking around school,” admitted Xialing. “But she was trying so hard to appear incognito that I pretended I didn’t see her.”
“Thank you, Xialing,” said Mantis, beaming. “It was very much fun. I found out all about you guys.”
Peter had, suspiciously enough, turned red. “All?”
“Yes,” said Mantis. “Even your–”
“Why did you come, if you had Mantis stalk us already?” interrupted Peter, still very red faced but pretending to be focused on Tony instead. “This was a waste of time.”
He was probably under the impression that he was hiding his crush on MJ from them.
Tony decided to allow him to continue living in the delusional state where Tony somehow did not know everything to do with his children.
“I wanted to spend some time alone with the four of you specifically,” he explained, looking at all of them in turn. “It's been a while, and you have been working so hard on your exams. And also, I wanted to talk to everyone of you kids. About me. And my harem.”
“Please don’t call it that.”
“You are my children,” said Tony, ignoring him. “And your opinion matters to me. So, when it comes to choosing a new so-called man of the house we all will be pretending has any real sway over me and my actions, your input is appreciated.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously,” answered Tony.
“Does that mean,” started Ultron, opening the door of the car, “That if we say we don’t like someone, you won’t marry or date them?”
Tony watched as he, Friday, Vision, Darcy, Gamora and Nebula climbed into the car, much to the grumbling and complaining of his other kids.
Then he focused back on Ultron. “That is correct.”
“Are we not even going to question their sudden arrival?”
“Why would I do that?" asked Tony. "I love having you guys around.”
“Sometimes I wonder if you have any friends,” said Ultron, giving him a disgusted look. “Spending so much time with your own children cannot be healthy.”
“I have plenty of friends!”
“That you haven’t bought or bullied?”
Tony pouted at Friday. “Now you’re just placing unnecessary restrictions.”
“And to answer you question, Harleykins, we heard dad was buying you guys froyo and had to get in on it.”
“Sorry,” said Xialing, waving her phone at her brothers. “I was trying to make them jealous.”
“Technically it worked,” placated Peter, patting her leg, while Harley’s eyes narrowed and he said, “You’re dead to me, Xi.”
“You guys are all rich,” pointed out Tony.
“And there’s no better way to remain so than steal the hard earned money of your father,” said Darcy.
“You were listening to my advice,” said Tony, eyes wide. “I am making an impact to you kids’ lives.”
“Now, whether that impact is a good one–” started Ultron, only to be elbowed in the gut by Friday.
He elbowed her back.
Tony ignored the slap fight that started between the two of them, observing the others instead.
“So, who would you guys want as my future husband and your future stepfather?”
“I think Prince T’Challa is a great match,” offered Gamora, ignoring several scoffs. “What? He is a great warrior, he is a smart man, and he is a prince. He can protect Father–”
“He has too many hang ups about doing the 'right thing',” said Ultron, pausing in the slap war. “His cousin, on the other hand, has literal spoils of war on his skin. And he would not care if I ended up taking over the world–”
“But Loki is also a Prince,” said Nebula, cutting him off and ignoring his glare at that. “He is all that T’Challa is plus what Erik is and more. He is perfect.”
“As is Thor,” said Vision. “I have an equation.”
The entire car groaned.
“Don’t be mean to him,” said Tony. “I’m listening, mi bebe.”
“According to my equation, Thor is a better suited partner because, unlike Loki, he will be inheriting a Kingdom. He also has rather loose morals, which I have found appeal to you. He is a ‘hero’, but resorts to violence as his first answer. He is also a ‘himbo’, which also appeals to you.”
“But he’s an alien,” said Gamora. “And T’Challa–”
“You know who’s not an alien and almost a Queen?” interrupted Friday. “Pepper Potts. Miss Potts knows you almost better than you know yourself. She has been in your life all of your life, and she loves you dearly.” A pause. “And what better way to break the world than by becoming a woman’s househusband? A badass female CEO’s–”
“In that case, Miss Van Dyne is good as well,” pointed out Xialing. “Nobody has mentioned her, but she’s everything Pepper Potts is plus she has known you since you were children. She protected you, when you were children.”
“Friends to lovers, tale as old as time,” agreed Darcy. “Which is why James Rhodes is the best person for you. Dad, you have been obsessed with him since you were a kid, and, as much as he negates it, so has he. You are literally the love story everybody’s been waiting for, you’d break the internet.”
“And be accused of scandal and cheating,” said Peter, taking Tony’s hands in his. “Dad, listen: Bruce Banner. He is a genius, and amazing... and the best project for you. And he’d be a great teacher to all of us.”
“Ew.”
“Bruce Banner is great,” agreed Harley. “But now upgrade him and what you get? Bam. Stephen Strange. Badass mage, who is everything Bruce Banner is and isn’t, and has a good sense of style. A perfect mess for you to solve, dad!”
“I like Peter Quill,” offered Mantis.
“And you have never been wrong once in your life,” said Friday.
“Look,” said Ultron, “We are never going to agree on this. Either because we like other people, or because we just want to disagree with the others.
“All of them like us – whether because of our personalities or because of you. What you need to decide is ‘who do you want to spend your life with?’ ‘Who do you want to trust with a metaphorical piece of your heart?' That’s what matters at the end. Whether you’re happy. None of us is going to care about who it is–”
“Speak for yourself.”
“So long as you’re happy.” Ultron shrugged, a little self conscious. “Or something. I don’t know, I don’t care.”
“You care,” mocked Friday. “You care so much.”
“It was pathetically clear,” added Nebula.
“You almost cried,” said Xialing.
“Fuck all of you.”
Ultron had a point, thought Tony, playing with the remnants of his froyo.
Clearly, he had been using the energy and vibes Tony had sent to him during his long and agonizing birth (agonising, because Tony had been super worried about Gamora being in prison during that time, and worried about this bag he wanted to buy that risked being sold out before he got to it).
Thankfully he was saved from having to answer or even think by the sound of his phone ringing.
“Hello?”
“Tony,” called out Hope, sounding strangely chirpy. “I found my mom!”
“Uh?”
“My mom,” explained Hope. “She was trapped, all these years, and with the help of Ant-Man, we managed to find her.”
“Without me? And who is Ant-Man?”
“Lang.”
“Who?”
“Scott Lang.”
“Doesn’t ring a bell.”
“Tony, you’ve met him multiple times.”
“I have never heard that name in my life.”
“You–”
“How is Janet?”
“She’s okay,” said Hope, and then she went on to explain the details of the entire rush to save her.
Tony was not sure how she could have managed it without his presence and help (something like standing next to them all looking pretty and designing the suits they had used to be more fashionable than whatever mess he was sure Hank had forced them to wear), but he listened anyway.
He liked Janet Van Dyne.
And his mom was going to be elated to find out she was alive too.
"That's nice," he said, once she was done with her story. "We should have tea, sometime. You, me, our mothers, and Mr Jarvis. Just like the good old days."
"If a single piano is played, I will put my mother back where she came from," threatened Hope.
Tony wasn't sure she was joking, and he almost wanted to see her try. If only because he was pretty sure Hope Van Dyne vs Maria Stark battle to keep Janet Van Dyne was going to be the most interesting thing ever.
For a spectator, of course, not any of the participants.
“By the way," then said Hope, "What is this meeting I have been called to? Something about protecting you?”
"I am basically the eighth wonder of the modern World if eighth actually means first, so I agree about protecting me," said Tony, confused, "But what meeting are you talking about?"
"Something about Thanos, keeping you safe, and not letting you know- oh." Hope went silent.
"Well," said Tony, smiling in a way that had all of his children fall silent at once. "That simply cannot do. The party doesn't start till I get there, after all."
+++
The party meeting room of the Tower was filled with people, when Tony turned up.
“Starlight!” said Quill, standing up. “What are you- I mean, I am so glad to–”
“Slow your horses, buckaroo,” said Erik, pointing a gun at Quill. “We all agreed nobody touches him or starts a fight over him until this entire thing is clarified.”
Nobody touching him? Tony was not sure he approved of this message. He liked being touched. And kissed. And–
Stephen smirked like he knew where Tony’s mind was going and because Tony would rather die than be predictable, he ignored him and pretended he had been thinking about boring things, like how to protect the world and the universe and whatnot.
“We spoke to Carol,” explained Rhodey, who was standing near the door. “Thanos and his ideologies are clearly a problem.”
“But a bigger problem is his obsession with you,” said Loki.
“Really?” asked Erik. “You consider his obsession with Tony more important than the literal genocide of trillions he has planned?”
“Yes.”
“Uh,” said Erik, undeniably impressed. “I didn’t expect you to actually say that out loud. Brave.”
“And insane,” said Rhodey, rubbing his head. “Which brings me to question why have I actually been invited to this thing, to begin with.”
“Thanos wants the fair Anthony,” said Thor. “He is the most fearsome and powerful enemy in this known universe. What has been proposed... is a wager of sort.”
He eyed Tony a little nervously.
Which had Tony’s eyes narrowing back at them. “And what is the wager?”
They all sort of avoided looking him directly in the eyes, which was good for them. He was no Medusa – too pretty to be, and his hair would never stand up in snakes like hers – but he was pretty sure he could turn them to stone and force honesty out of them, if he tried.
He eyed each one of them, and then found the weakest member of the pack.
“Bruce.”
“They decided that whoever manages to kill Thanos or is the last one standing gets to ask for your hand in marriage, and they forced me to join,” rushed to say the scientist.
The entire group groaned, glaring at him, and Tony...
That would deal with all of the problems Tony was having, to be fully fair.
They would end up killing the competition, and Tony would get to sleep and marry the saviour of the universe.
His popularity would skyrocket.
It’d be amazing and oh so simple.
But...
Well. Where was the fun in that?
It was Tony’s life in the end. And decisions were time consuming and annoying, but they made part of the fun of the whole thing.
Because in the end, they were Tony’s decisions.
And it was Tony’s life (and that of his children).
Ultron was right. He needed to chase his own happiness, needed to find what and who he wanted for himself.
It was his life, and he had to live it. He had to decide for himself.
“I need to get my life back in my own hands,” he said, nodding to himself. Out of the corner of his eyes, he was pretty sure he saw Rhodey smile. “This has been illuminating. Thank you. Have a good day, my darlings.”
He had to get his life back.
Which meant the Titan had to die.
Because Tony refused to let him kill his harem, and he owed him one for traumatising his daughters.
- Kill a Titan
- Get married
In no particular order.
A simple enough list.
What could possibly go wrong?