Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There were a couple of things that Tony regretted, about his first wedding.

Not his husband – to the surprise of almost everyone who thought they knew him but didn't.

After all, had Tony not decided to marry an idiot like him, how would all of the things he had been able to do because his husband was the worst have happened?

He had needed Ty’s stupidity for his shenanigans to work so well.

So no, he didn't regrett his husband.

Allowing said husband an opinion on anything wedding related – including his tux – before, during and after the wedding? 

Tony had definitely regretted that.

He was the epitome of taste and being always right and making sure things were always perfect.

Ty was... Stone.

And every single opinion he had had about the wedding (his clothes, his vow, and the people he had invited) had been wrong.

Everytime Tony looked at his old wedding album, he couldn’t help grimacing in disgust (not at himself, of course; he had looked amazing).

Mostly, though, Tony had regretted getting married without his parents around. It was something he’d never make up for, his first wedding having happened without Maria Stark and Edwin Jarvis (he was completely ambivalent on what Howard wanted to do during the ceremony or after).

It had made for a lack of ‘mom crying when she sees him in his wedding outfit’ or ‘Edwin glowering at Ty even as he walked Tony down the aisle’ moments that would have really sealed the celebration and made Tony remember the affair fondly.

Which was why he was currently in Italy, having tea with his mother as they went through the various wedding preparations Tony had in mind.

Would it have been fun to do this with the few friends that, for reasons science couldn‘t explain, weren’t particularly attracted to him? Yes, that would have been fun – as would have been his own attempts at getting them to fall for him once for all.

But in the years following the extravagant weddings of people such as Kim Kardashian, Kate Middleton, Katie Holmes, and other powerful women who’s names began with K - because everyone knew their husbands were just there to help finance the wedding - matrimony had become a serious affair.

And Tony was going to treat it as such.

“What about your hair?” asked Maria Stark, looking through the frighteningly scientific looking graphs and tables Tony had created. “Are you styling it yourself to make sure it looks perfect, or are you getting a very expensive hairstylist to do it for you so that you can make sure it is expensive and awe-inducing as necessary?”

See? This was why, while he loved his friends and cared deeply about their opinions, his mother was the person he had gone to.

She had taste, and she understood the real problems that affected the world and the things that were truly important (how to stop perms from taking over the world, for example, or what the difference between wavy and curly really was).

“I know this one hairstylist who can do magic with her fingers,” said Tony. “This is because she’s full-time fashion guru, part time sorcerer. But if I am not happy with her mastery of her own craft, I can just do one of each. Since I’m having two weddings.”

“Of course,” said Maria, nodding sagely as Howard Stark - having decided to bother them with his presence in his own house – came to a stop in the living room.

“You’re having two weddings?”

“Obviously,” said Tony, rolling his eyes. “One for my close friends, family and close and loyal followers. One for the rest of the world and universe – yes, Howard, you included.”

“Me inc– I am your family?” He shook his head before Tony could tell him what he thought of that statement, continuing with, “Wait, I didn’t know you were getting married?”

“Only family and the people most important to me know,” he said, waving him off.

“Didn’t you tell the mailman this morning?” wondered Maria.

“As I’ve said, the people most important to me,” repeated Tony.

For whatever reason, Howard sighed, deciding to further impose on them by dropping on the couch beside Maria.

At least he wasn’t dressed too badly and didn’t cause him the usual headache his contrasting colour schemes and clothing choices often did.

“Don’t worry,” said Maria, patting him on the shoulder. “If he doesn’t invite you, I’ll just bring you as a plus one.”

Tony made a note to not allow his mother a plus one.

“Or maybe he will invite you later on,” added Edwin, bringing them all steaming mugs of coffee and tea. “When he invites his future spouse. I, of course, have already been invited.”

“Well, you raised me,” pointed out Tony. “How could I-”

“YOU HAVEN’T PICKED A SPOUSE YET?!”

Tony gave Howard a reproachful look.

He was staring at Tony wide mouthed, eyes almost bugging out of his sockets, and he had managed to drop off the chair in his surprise.

“I have sort of picked,” he clarified. “But I’m waiting to be 100% sure before I actually invite them. I’ve been so busy with everything else I’m dealing with.”

His father continued to stare at him, expression unchanging, and Tony glanced at his mother.

“What’s his problem?”

“Back in our days picking a husband came before a wedding,” she explained, rolling her eyes. “Howard is terribly old fashioned, sometimes, and not really about following trends.”

“Trends?! How is organizing a wedding without an actual partner to attend it with old fashioned?”

“Unlike you,” said Tony, “I have plenty of people lined up to marry me. All I have to do is show up and tell them let’s get hitched and they will show up in an outfit they had bought the day they met me with a matching ring.”

“But–” He looked at Maria, Edwin, and at the mother (and father) fucker who had decided to also interrupt Tony's relaxation with his bothersome existence. “Jamey, help me out here. Is it really unreasonable to expect my son have a spouse before he starts organizing the wedding? What if the person you want to marry has opinions on the wedding?”

“If they have opinions they are clearly not the person for me,” said Tony, unimpressed. “And I have clearly made a wrong decision. Thankfully, no one of the people that are down as a maybe spouse for me have any sort of opinions – on weddings or anything else. And you are not invited.”

“Tony!”

“It’s fine,” said the man who hadn’t realized pirates of the caribbean was only cool as a Halloween costume, not a daily makeup inspo. “Congratulations on getting married, Tony. I am very proud of you.”

Tony grimaced at those words, and turned to his mother.

“It’s my wedding, but if you want to share it and have a divorce party at the same venue, I would be willing to do that for you.”

“Tony!” said both of them, while their boytoy continued to smile as if he hadn’t ruined Tony’s life from the moment he had found his way into his life.

Ugh.

Tony did not like that man.

He would have gladly returned home to avoid having to interact with him, but the situation at home wasn’t much better than this.

Ever since Tony had started being seen visiting wedding venues and speaking to wedding planners, the entire world had gone crazy.

Tony was very aware of his status as New York-America-the world’s most desirable bachelor, but apparently he had somehow managed to underestimate himself.

Not only did he have members of the harem ‘casually’ dropping by to see him and try to figure out if he had picked someone and who said someone was. No, he now had people he’d never even considered showing up in a ‘last ditch’ attempt at not losing him.

Even Justin Hammer had shown up to beg him to choose him.

Justin Hammer! 

Tony had forgotten the man existed (well, had existed – he had had the misfortune to come beg on the same day Killmonger had come by. Tony hadn’t seen or heard of him since, and didn’t think he would, either).

But anyway, that was why he was now stuck in Italy with his Mr Jarvis, his mother, her husband, and the guy that she insisted on having sex with despite Tony’s complaints. 

Was he aware that this would all probably stop the moment he actually announced that he had made a choice and who the choice was?

Yes, he was very aware.

He was also very aware that there were people around who would not hesitate to murder the person Tony chose as soon as he announced he had decided.

Also there was the small little matter of Tony actually having to choose said person.

He hadn’t.

He had narrowed down his choices, yes, and there was a perpetual table in his head calculating who the best partner for him would be, that was correct.

He knew what he wanted and what he didn’t want, and he knew the potential of everyone in his harem and how to ensure he got said potential.

None of that was a problem.

But while Tony wasn’t shy nor unsure, it was a little hard to actually admit to himself what he wanted. Or admit to the world what he wanted.

In other words, choosing was hard.

And there was the irrational fear, of course, of making the wrong choice. Yes, he was aware that he was unable to make wrong choices and was never wrong to begin with, but he had once upon a time, married Ty Stone and thought that was a sensible decision.

To be fair his choices had been very limited back then, but still.

Point was, choosing was hard.

So he was making the decision of not deciding until the last possible moment.

Uh. Maybe Darcy had gotten her attitude from him, after all.

He felt his mom's hand on his wrist, and when he glanced up, she had a knowing look on her face.

“Passeggiata?”

Tony nodded, smiling gratefully.

A little fresh air would do him wonders.

“I am not so sure about the design of the napkins," he said, as he stood up. "Swans are classic, but they're a bit overused, don’t you think?”

“I like swans,” said Howard, ‘helpfully’.

“No swans, then,” said Tony, heading towards the door. “Thank you for the input, Howard.”

The man shouted something after him, but it was fine because Tony had by now figured out a foolproof way of never hearing anything Howard had to say to him ever.

He was very good at it.

Something about selective hearing apparently, according to Howard, but Tony had not been listening.

He considered, as he walked out of his parent’s mansion, possibly having his wedding right here in Italy.

While the town his parents were ‘hiding-without-really-hiding’ was unknown and a bit plain for his tastes, it was definitely picturesque to look at. The fresh non smog ‘almost Alps’ air, the greenery of the surroundings...

It was nice.

Sometimes he wondered what it would be like, to give up all the glam and blitz. To do what his mother did– attend a few galas a year, throw even less, and mostly shine for your partner(s) at home while enjoying the sun (without tanning, because skin cancer was serious) and the greenery of your surroundings.

He had never been able to even imagine that with Ty, because staying with him for more than twenty four hours at a time would have led to the man’s early death, but... what about now?

Could he imagine choosing someone to marry and then just closing himself to the rest of the world following that, because all that really mattered was the people you loved, rather than the people who loved you?

“Ugh,” he said, shaking his head. “This is what happens when I stay in nature for too long. I start getting philosophical, delirious and– seriously?”

“Tony!” said Stephen, pretending to be surprised to see him as he battled some sort of sentient fish life. “What are you doing here?!”

“Oh, right,” said Tony, unimpressed. “Am I supposed to really believe that you just happened to be here and didn’t instead come because you knew I would be here?”

“Shockingly for you,” he gasped, ducking another attack, “I came here because I thought you were in New York! I was trying to keep you– fuck!”

“Hey,” complained Tony, glowering at the thing that had smashed Stephen against a tree. “Don’t you see we are attempting to have a conversation? I know that your ugliness makes being ignored an annoyingly common experience, but still. I am the only person allowed to abuse Stephen.”

“R-run, Tony,” gasped Stephen, trying to get up. “He’s–”

“Anthony Stark,” said the alien, surprising no one by speaking English. Tony was starting to seriously get annoyed about this. When was he going to get a real alien that spoke a real and incomprehensible alien non-English language?! “Just the man I have been looking for. Hear me and rejoi-”

“Of course you have,” said Tony, rolling his eyes. “As has the rest of the world. I am hiding for good reason, you know? I am not interested in you, Squidward. Full offense, but I have standards, and other than sushi, I do not interact with raw fish. Let alone date it.”

The creature managed to almost blush, but then he scowled just as quickly.

“I- We– of course I am not interested in you! I am only interested–”

“Of course?” repeated Tony, intentionally making his voice higher and eyes wider. “Are you calling me ugly? Did you just call me ugly? Stephen, did you just hear him call me ugly? Did you just let him call me ugly?”

"S-See what you've d-done?!"

The legendary Pokemon looked alarmed, as tears started appearing in Tony's eyes. “Oh, no, I would never–”

“I can’t believe you would call me ugly,” said Tony, lower lip trembling threateningly. “I am so–”

His voice cut off, and he sniffed. 

Tony opened his mouth, ready to deliver the ear shattering sob that he knew would bring the band of lovers he had accumulated for himself (plus that one dude who insisted on sleeping with his elderly parents), but Mewtwo was faster.

Moving faster than Tony had expected and displaying intellect Tony had thought above him, he placed something over his mouth that, effectively, stopped him from making any sound.

Tony looked at him in offense, and the creature had the sense to wince.

"Apologise, Anthony Stark," he said, throwing... something at Stephen. "The Master warned me about the power of your siren voice."

Uh. Tony was starting to think that this had nothing to do with Stephen wanting to seduce him.

+++

If there was something Tony hated more than being kidnapped by low B-list villains, it was being kidnapped by low B-list villains before he had had a chance to do a clothes change.

Because that meant that Tony was now on a spaceship with Stephen Strange wearing his ‘strolling while deep in thoughts about things that were only superficial to those without the funds necessary to live Tony’s life’ clothes, and that was so not on.

What would happen if someone’s who’s opinion actually mattered saw him? They would think Tony had no style.

And Tony had all of the style.

“Can you stop glaring at me?” demanded Stephen, looking at Tony in irritation. “In case you haven’t noticed, I am as stuck as you are, right now.”

In case he hadn’t noticed, only one of them had their mouth free, and it wasn’t Tony.

Because according to the villain monologue Tony had zoned out of, his boss knew who Tony was, and he knew what Tony’s real power was - namely, his mouth. Which meant he was not going to let him talk until he was face to face with the boss.

Thanos, in case anyone was confused.

His name hadn't been said, but there was only one of the people who wanted to marry him who would do all this in order to ensure their wedding.

At least Squidward’s dupe had had the presence of mind of making sure Tony’s clothes weren’t touching the dirty ground of his floor.

Small winnings.

It didn’t make up for all of the bad things, however, so Tony glowered at Stephen again – who was busy pretending not to see him.

Had Tony ever said he hated Stephen Strange? Because he hated him.

Ebony Maw walked back in then, and Tony spread all of his hatred and bad vibes to Mewtwo instead, because it was actually his fault Tony was stuck in this situation and he wanted him to feel shame for it.

“You are quite lucky,” he said, looking at Stephen, instead of Tony.

Because apparently abducting him in the wrong clothes wasn’t enough, and now he was going to also ignore Tony on top of it.

Did he not understand the number of crimes against humanity (Tony) he was committing at the moment?

“Normally, it would have caused the Master much upset that you arrived here still in possession of the Time Stone. As I have managed to bring forth his future bride – all thanks to you–”

Tony had known it was Stephen’s fault!

“It no longer matters.” He smirked. “You are going to wish you had given me the Infinity Stone when I asked for it.”

Then the space calamari turned to Tony, and he bowed.

“My apologies for the rather rough treatment. If you will follow me, I can direct you to the finest clothing of Titan fashion for you to change in before you meet the Master.”

You know, maybe Tony had exaggerated a bit with his upset.

Squidward came over, and Tony stopped with the glaring, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet. 

“I can’t believe a change of clothes is all it takes to win you over,” grumbled Stephen.

Tony almost turned to send more bad vibes his way, but then he noticed a flash of red from the corner of his eyes, quickly followed by a flash of light.

Stephen had been passed out when Maw had loaded them on the ship, but Tony hadn't.

And despite Maw's belief, Tony did not necessarily need his mouth to communicate.

He had bot-kids. Which meant he knew exactly how to talk to Stephen's little Red to make sure he and his phone - containing JARVIS - made it on the ship with them.

He held the giant calamari a little tighter - long enough to make sure Red hid again - and then released him with an apologetic smile.

Then, just to make sure his feelings were quite clear, he released the water type monster and flipped Stephen off.

Because it was still his fault.

+++

Thanos was as ugly as Tony had expected him to be.

Which really explained the clothing he had been given to wear before he saw him.

Tony was not one to call anybody’s traditional clothing ugly. But he did understand why Titan fashion had died with them, that was all.

They were ugly enough that even though Maw had taken off the gag he had put him in, Tony refused to speak in fear someone would recognise and tell the people of Earth that he couldn't dress.

Clothes aside, Thanos really looked like someone who had snuck his way onto Earth/in the Universe.

Or like someone had tried to draw that handsome Squidward ‘meme’ by memory.

And failed.

He was big, bald, ugly, purple, bald, smelled foul and was bald.

Enough said.

He was sitting on a gaudy golden throne when Ebony Maw brought Tony in, and then stood up when he saw him coming in, shining him a very upsetting to look at smile.

Tony was all around not happy with these circumstances.

“My love,” he started with, “Welcome. I have waited for you for a long time.”

Tony looked at him for a second – from the top of his bald bald head to the bottom of his strangely pointed space boots.

“I have waited a long time to meet you too,” he then said, smiling up at him. “I have been dreaming about the moment where I would meet you.”

The Titan lit up. 

“You have–”

“I have been wondering, you see, since the day I first saw Nebula and Gamora,” he continued, stepping lightly towards the towering man. Ebony Maw made to stop him, but Thanos waved him away with his Infinity Stone containing ugly glove. He had, from what Tony could see, only a purple one (just wait until Agatha learnt about how hard this man was trying to steal her signature). “Wondering about when I would finally set eyes on the being who turned them into what they were when I met them.

“Wondering what I would do when I met he who would call himself their ‘father’. I said some things on the audio I sent into space, didn’t I?”

[“Mister Mad Titan, hello! My name is Tony Stark and, allegedly like you, I too have children. Unlike you, however, I am not a fugly tasteless little bitch with a tiny dick who takes out their frustrations with the universe and their unremarkable life on innocent children who have done nothing but exist.

“You said much,” agreed the Titan, watching him hungrily. “I fell in love as soon as I heard your delightful voice and your teasing threats and insults. Not a day goes by without me listening to what you have to say in that audio – in eager anticipation of what you would say when we met face to face.”

Aw. If it wasn’t Thanos, Tony could almost imagine this being nothing more than a loser that was obsessed with him and find it cute.

He loved men who lost their dignity and self respect in a never ending chase where they attempted to get Tony to notice them.

He loved how pathetic they got.

Alas, this was Thanos, which meant he was creepy and terrible (like in that one flirting vs harassment Friday had shown him).

“I did say a lot,” agreed Tony, indicating for him to sit back down. “But I have a lot more to say. Would you like to hear it?”

Thanos sat down, making a point of putting his gloved hand away from Tony for safekeeping.

Aw. He was a loser but he wasn’t completely stupid.

His creepiness grew even more than before.

“You are the most pathetic excuse of a human being I have ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes on,” he started, with a smile.

Thanos’ smile vacillated.

“You know how sometimes humans are pretty on the inside and ugly on the outside? You are ugly both ways. You are a stupid looking, ball-sack chin having, hair losing, foul smelling, sick inducing, Bird Box inspiring, quarantine needing, inbreeding appearing, bitch lacking, suicide leading, asshole.”

“Damn,” said Ebony Maw, eyes wide.

“You have no parents, no planet, no children, no hairline, no bitches, no eyebrows, no brain, no game, no mirrors, can you pick one struggle? How are the only people around you people you have tortured into compliance? How have you been around for centuries and all you can show for it is one single Infinity Stone? How have you destroyed planets and still can’t get one single hair to grow on your head?”

“Damn,” said Ebony Maw and some guy beside him while Thanos stared, wide mouthed.

“And you think you can land me. Me!? Thanos your own people willingly accepted the erasure of their race rather than live alongside you and your insanity one more second, and your daughters fled the first chance they got, and you had to commit kidnapping to get me to talk to you and you think... what. You can get a happy ending? Please.”

“Damn,” said the crowd that had formed around them.

“B-but-” tried Thanos, looking hurt and upset in equal parts. 

 “You tortured your daughters and treated both of them like shit. You made your loved ones compete for a love you were never going to give them for shits and giggles. Your happily ever after includes you destroying the entire universe, with no regards for your children or anyone else, and you think I’d be with you?

“Thanos, if the entire universe disappeared and me and you were the only two people left alive, I still would not be with you. I would in fact kill you to make sure I did not have to spend one second longer listening to the nonsense coming out of your mouth. And if I couldn’t, I’d rather spend my entire life travelling the universe in search of a hiding spot from you than even risk a moment longer of being with you. I’d kill myself the second you tried to say hi, and if for some reason you managed to stop me? I’d spend the rest of my days wishing and praying for the first moment of you loosing focus so that I can manage to sneak and kill one of us because trust me when I say this universe isn’t big enough for both of us.

“In fact, I think it’s very important for you to know that from the moment I heard of you, I started praying for your downfall. And then I decided that praying for your downfall isn't enough, I need to partake in it. Pitbull says that everyday above ground is a good day, but every day you are above ground, everyone gets pissed off. Your existence literally ruins the vibe of the entire universe, like that one single slice of banana in any food you put it in.

“In short, Thanos, this is what I want you to know.” Tony smiled brightly, clasping his hands together. “Everyday you live, is one day more that I have not gotten my way.”

Thanos looked at a loss of words for a moment.

He just stared at Tony without blinking, while his sidekicks kept their mouth covered. Whether out of shock or because they wanted to laugh Tony wasn't sure, but he was proud nonetheless.

He had been waiting to tell Thanos all of this. 

"I see," he said, eventually. "Your original message... it was not out of love."

"I literally said I want you dead," said Tony. "In what universe does someone who want you dead- oh, sorry. Forgot about the whole Mad Titan."

Thanos' expression soured further, and the dumb look vanished from his face as he stood up.

“A great speech," he said. "And your dislike of me is... noted. But I guess you are not quite as clever as you have been said to be, or as smart as you are beautiful. You should have thought twice about saying all of this so soon."

“Normally, I'd agree with you. But see, I am Tony Stark.”

Thanos stared, waiting.

Tony did not elaborate: he had said enough.

Thanos glanced around, confused. “Is that supposed to mean-"

“Stephen, dear, time is up!” called out Tony, turning towards the main door.

Immediately Ebony stood up, putting away the snack he had been eating during the not-so-funny better-than-SNL-roast wannabe Tony had conducted.

But because Tony had better comedic timing than he or Thanos did, the portal Tony had bought the Cloak, JARVIS and Stephen time to create opened just then, and from it poured the conveniently arrived band of superheroes planning on saving him and the day.

Tony, like the gentleman he was, allowed this, choosing the momentary chaos from Thanos and his band of henchmen to quickly sneak away.

The MadMaxMan did not notice, seen as he was immediately pounced on by Hulk.

Seriously, if it hadn't been for Bruce Banner, Hulk would have been a much closer contendent. He-

“Tony!”

Tony did not have time to say ‘it’s okay, I’m the main character and thus have plot armour' before Rhodey was grabbing him, covering him with his body.

Wait- with his body?

“You are not wearing your armour!”

Rhodey grimaced, even as he continued to pull Tony away from what was quickly turning into a battlefield. “I gave it to Gamora. She insisted on coming and letting her adoptive not-father know exactly what she thought of him and his parenting."

Then, he looked over Tony, brows furrowed as he scanned him quickly for any injury. “Are you okay? You’re not hurt, are you?”

Tony smirked, feeling very smug. “You love me so much, Rhodey. Like you like me so much you don’t even know what to do with yourself, it makes you dizzy. Everyday above ground–”

“Don’t start quoting Pitbull–”

“You would so catch a grenade for me–”

“Or Bruno Mars–”

“You wanna kiss me so bad it makes you look stupid,” continued Tony, grinning at him.

Normally this was when Rhodey rolled his eyes and released him. Where he told him he was high or just ignored him, so that he could deal with more pressing injuries.

Normally Rhodey would at best laugh or snort, but wouldn't bother laugh about something he knew was true, something he knew Tony already knew.

Normally.

But not this time.

This time Rhodey looked at him in the way he did sometimes, when he was so completely done with him.

Then, he leant forward and kissed him.

Tony had kissed Rhodey before. Quick pecks that did not mean everything, press of lips that was something between a secret and a laugh, familiar, simple, easy.

This was... different. 

Rhodey pressed his lips against Tony's, and it was like Tony was regaining that spark from the first day he had seen him. He felt the soft of his skin against his, the press of the skin to skin, and Tony felt every nerve lighting up in a pattern that was a a secret road between his heart and Rhodey's, in a passage through time and space that only the two of them could trace.

He kissed him, and Tony felt like he suddenly understood half of all love songs and poems ever written.

It felt like Tony was home.

It did not last long enough, however.

“Yeah,” said Rhodey, leaning back. “You make me stupid. Now let me save your life, all right?”

For a moment, Tony stared at him, feeling at a loss of words. 

His brain was as empty as he often pretended it was.

Not because of the kiss, mind you.

He had always known Rhodey loved him as much as Tony loved him. He had tried to hide it, tried to not ruin their friendship while he was married and then rebounding, and been at his side through it all.

It was always meant to be him and Rhodey.

It was, however, the first time Tony had successfully baited him into kissing him while Rhodey was in the middle of something like a fight.

"Don't let it get to your head," said Rhodey, as if he knew exactly what Tony was thinking (he probably did). "Now, stay here."

He ran back into the fray, still armour-less.

And look.

Tony had originally planned on letting the men plus Hope Van Dyne fight the battle for him while Nebula and Gamora vented their feelings towards Thanos. He hadn't wanted to let himself be seen in this outfit for longer than necessary.

But he also really did not want rhodey to get a bad scratch or injury so close to the wedding.

And, after all, it had always meant to be him fighting Thanos, hadn’t it?

“You know what I like about people underestimating me?” he asked the air, as he pulled up the sleeve of his shirt. “That they forget that just because I choose not to things, it doesn’t mean I cannot do things. I can do a lot of things.”

Indeed you can, said the Reality Stone, gleaming in the red bracelet it had decided to become.

The people of Svartalfheim had gifted it to him for safekeeping after Tony had helped them resolve their issues with Asgard, alongside a citizenship to the planet.

Most likely, they had expected Tony to put it somewhere safe and never use it again.

Of course that was because none of them knew or understood Tony.

As soon as he had received it, he had asked it pretty please to turn into a fashion statement that matched his various outfit and that he sometimes flashed in photographs to make people salivate and despair over a jewel they would love to have but that they couldn’t begin to guess the origins or the full design of (Tony had to be very careful, lest Rhodey or Pepper noticed a picture of an Infinity Stone on him and wanted to ‘Talk')(or worse, Agatha Harkness).

“Could you do me a favour?” he asked the Reality Stone. “You see Thanos over there, trying to fight everyone and using the Power Stone oh so rudely? Could you make it so he’s hurting himself instead of everyone else?”

You know, said Reality, most people would have set me against Power.

“Against Power?” Tony was aghast at the mere thought. “But that’s your sibling! You are literally all one, why would anyone ask an Infinity Stone to fight another Infinity Stone?”

I still don’t know what Space and Soul did, said Reality, after a second of silence, but I’m glad they did. I’m enjoying this change of pace.

For once, Tony had no idea of what someone else was talking about (usually it was people who never knew what he was on about) but the Reality Stone did not give him time to question it.

He didn’t have to question it because within seconds, a mist emerged from his bracelet and enveloped the entire battlefield (uh, Tony had not realised just how many people and non humans were fighting; it was worse than a Black Friday shopping spree in the early 2000s)(Not that Tony had ever actually participated in one; but he liked watching it on TV like one would a football match, it was fun).

When the red mist disappeared, the only ones left were Thanos and those on the side of Good™.

“What the hell–?”

“Where did they–”

“What just–?”

“Father!”

“One moment, Nebs,” said Tony, strolling through the confused assassins, heroes and antiheroes that made up the commercially called Good Superhero Side. “Let daddy handle this small thing.”

“Tony–”

“He will be fine,” said Loki, a gleam of understanding in his eyes. “He wields the Aether.”

“I don’t know what the Aether is, but is that why Thanos is punching himself with the Power Stone?” 

“Yep,” said Tony, ducking past Thanos’ massive fist and quickly moving behind the Titan. 

Several people appeared agitated by his sudden vicinity to a genocidal killer alien, but Tony was glad to see that Loki, Rhodey, Killmonger and the girls were keeping them at bay.

Which was appreciated.

Tony would hate to accidentally hurt someone who didn’t deserve it – or worse: accidentally hurting someone who deserved it.

“I don’t like swords,” he then said, looking at the weapon the Aether had given him.

You are picky, said the Reality Stone, making a big gun appear in his left hand.

Much better.

Tony had long since decided that long speeches were for losers who secretly wished to lose whatever battle they were fighting – and that wasn’t him.

He fought to win.

So he didn’t have any ceremony. He simply aimed the gun at the back of Thanos’ head, and shot.

In the end, genocidal guys died just like everyone else.

“Well,” said Tony, in the silence that followed the sudden and perhaps not so violent death of the Titan. “That’s that. Gamora, Nebula, if you’d like to go ahead and desecrate the body of this dude, go right ahead – just make sure you’re home for dinner.

“For anyone else who would like to deal with dead Thanos and make him suffer a little more for what he has done, contact Queen Hela of Asgard. She will arrange it for you so long as she doesn’t kill you first.”

He turned to his harem, and beamed at them all.

“Now, about my wedding. I have finally picked my spouse.”

Immediately the atmosphere changed, everyone standing up straight and looking nervous.

“Surprising perhaps no one, I have chosen–”

“If you don’t choose me,” interrupted Loki, taking a step forward, “I will kill myself.”

Tony blinked. “How grossly manipulative, Loki. I thought you better than that."

"No, you didn't."

"No, I didn't," he said, and smiled. "Anyway, I have chosen Rhodey and Loki as my future spouses.”

Immediately chaos erupted all around them, as Rhodey smirked smugly and Loki looked all sort of self satisfied.

“Loki?!”

“Why them?”

“I thought you said one!”

“I will also kill myself,” tried Thor.

“Find your own thing,” said Tony, climbing back down linking his arms with the two. “When Loki does it it’s cute, when you do it it’s rude."

And, despite people's surprised reactions, it was also always going to be Loki.

Loki, who had asked Tony out on a real date. Loki, who had reminded Tony that he was worth of love for more than his looks. Loki, who knew Tony's cleverness, and did not treat him any different.

It was always going to be Rhodey. Rhodey had known him from the beginning and, as far as Tony was concerned, was his real soulmate.

But Loki understood him in ways few did. Loki looked at him and saw what Tony was afraid to tell himself, what Tony struggled to accept, to deal with. Loki saw his kids as an extension of Tony himself, and while he did not love them, he cared for them as he would care for him.

Who else was it supposed to be?

He didn't say that outloud, though.

He had a reputation.

“Anyway, let’s go, my lovelies. We have a wedding to plan.”

The smug expressions fell off their faces.

Good. They knew things were about to get much more serious than a stupid fight to save the universe and defeat a Titan.

[There were three weddings - one on Jotunheim, one in Philly, and one in New York.

Edwin walked him down the aisle once, and Tony allowed Howard to walk him down once too (he cried like a baby).

There was a parade, because Tony loved parades, and Loki loved letting Tony do whatever he wanted. Rhodey liked it a little less, but Rhodey also loved parades.

Now, Loki and Rhodey did not really like one another. They did not hate each other, but neither of them was particularly keen on sharing.

Both of them were, however, very aware of what would happen if they tried to make Tony choose, so they kept the peace.

And they did have each other's back during the Inquisition (abduction from Tony's kids) and the Inquisition part 2 (abduction Pepper and Killmonger staged with the rest of the harem). They even signed the contract stating that if they hurt Tony they would allow for bounties to be placed on their heads and would not fight the retribution coming their way, wasn't that adorable?

There were many death threats from the rest of the world, but they dealt with them quite well. 

Surprisingly, the scariest experience they had was when Howard invited them to talk in his workshop. Tony wasn't sure what had been said, since Howard was not scary, but they came out looking horrified and shaking like leaves. 

Maybe they had just seen the state of his workshop and freaked out, but the self satisfied expression on Howard's face made him think there was more to the old man than even he knew.

There were only three real murder attempts on his fiancés and one further kidnapping attempt (from Hulk), but all in all, the weddings were perfect.

This was what Tony liked to call a happy ending.[