Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“So,” Eddie starts softly one day. “Frank thinks we should do couples therapy.”

They’re side-by-side at the sink, cleaning up the last of the dinner plates - Eddie is washing as Buck dries and they’re flush next to each other, their hips and elbows bumping gently together as they work quietly. The sun is setting slowly over the backyard, the sky streaked with deep reds and vibrant oranges as the shadows grow longer and creep closer to the window towards them. Buck has a second to think about how poetic that is when Eddie’s words sink in and he fumbles the plate in his hand, watching open-mouthed as it falls to the floor and smashes into a million pieces, scattering across the linoleum.

“Shit!” Buck yelps, shoving an arm out instinctively to keep Eddie in place, lest he starts to move and step on a shard with his bare feet. Eddie looks up at him, bemused and impossibly fond, a small smile playing on his lips even though the crease in his brow he’s had since he returned from his therapy session is still etched in place.

“Swear jar!” shouts Chris gleefully from the living room where he’s been playing video games online with Denny and Harry.

Eddie huffs a laugh as he wraps his hand around Buck’s wrist, carefully lowering Buck’s outsplayed arm, his fingers still covered in suds. Buck can’t take his eyes off of him, but that’s nothing new - Buck has never been able to look away from Eddie if he can help it.

“Eddie…” Buck’s brain is offline, rebooting, and he just doesn’t know where to start. “Why… wh-what are you talking about? We’re not…” A couple his brain finishes for him, but the words taste like ash on his tongue because that’s the problem, isn’t it. No matter how much Buck wishes, hopes, feels, Eddie is not his, even though every fibre of Buck’s being belongs to Eddie.

Eddie glances down, lets go of Buck’s wrist and Buck aches right down to his bones at the loss of contact. He takes a shaky breath and buries it down somewhere behind his ribcage, steps away from Eddie and carefully tiptoes across the room to the utility closet.

“No, I- I know,” Eddie says hoarsely, eyes boring into Buck’s skull as he pulls out the broom and begins sweeping up the debris. Eddie clears his throat and Buck glances up, nudging Eddie’s foot with the bristles until he snorts and hops up onto the kitchen counter next to the sink, his knuckles white as they grip the edge.

“He said that, uh, since most of our ‘extensive traumas’,” Buck can hear the air quotes and chuckles to himself as he sweeps all the broken shards into a small pile. “Seem to happen together, we probably have a lot to, um, talk about.” Eddie’s voice is strained, nervous in a way that Buck hasn’t heard in a while, not since he started seeing Frank again.

And here’s the thing - he’s not wrong. Buck has been through some horrible shit over the past couple of years, and around 90% is intrinsically linked with Eddie. Buck wakes up screaming a lot of nights, Eddie’s face fading in front of him - sweating and scared as he squeezes onto Buck’s hand when he’s pinned under the truck; full of horror as Buck vomits blood over himself; the dead look behind his eyes as Buck tells him he’s lost Chris in the tsunami; twisted in anger in a grocery store; eyes wide and shocked as he falls to the ground, blood flowing all over the asphalt on a sunny day; gutted and broken as he clutches a baseball bat slumped on the floor of his destroyed room. Buck sees it all, every night, and they never ever talk about any of it, have swept it under the rug until it is a mountain between them, until they can barely meet each other's eyes anymore.

He stops brushing, his eyes scanning the floor to see if he’s missed anything before he drags them up to Eddie.

“I mean… isn’t that why we’re both in therapy in the first place?” Buck asks, tilting his head as he takes in Eddie’s hunched shoulders, his shifting eyes looking anywhere but back at Buck, his legs crossed at the ankles. “To get through our laundry list of traumas?” He adds with a dry chuckle. The joke has its intended effect - Eddie looks up, biting his lip but failing to keep the smile off his face. He rubs the back of his neck and Buck realises that the tips of his ears are a delicate shade of pink. Something warm blooms in Buck’s chest.

“No, I know. But, well… we haven’t spoken to each other about anything, have we?” Eddie shrugs in an effort to look casual, not fooling Buck for a second. “It isn’t like, couples therapy, just… two people talking about their shared trauma… therapy.” The flush has spread now, covers his neck and creeps up across his cheeks, and Buck has to grip tightly onto the broom to avoid doing something ridiculous like launching himself across the room to see if the flush spreads lower than the collar of his t-shirt.

“So, couples therapy?” Buck deadpans, smirking as Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Are you in or what?” Eddie asks as if Buck has ever been able to deny him anything. Buck brushes the plate parts into the dustpan, before depositing them carefully into the trash, pretending to consider the offer.

“Eh, sure. Maybe we’ll get a loyalty card.” Eddie snorts, his body collapsing in relief as he throws a dish towel in Buck’s face. Buck squawks and throws it back at Eddie, batting him lightly with the broom as he moves past him to stash it away again. Eddie hops back down onto the floor with a smile, looking lighter than Buck has seen him for a while.

“Okay great. Frank gave me a number for a referral, so I’ll… give them a call to set something up for our next day off?” He asks and Buck nods his agreement, already checking the calendar on the wall to see which day that is. It’s filled with little notes and stickers, Buck’s scrawled handwriting that barely notes that Chris has a PT session on Thursday, Eddie’s block, uniform letters informing them that they have 3 tickets to the zoo that expire next Saturday. Their lives, set out for the rest of the month as if this house is occupied by three people, not two and a ghost.

Chris’ head pops around the door frame, his glasses slightly skewed from the headset that is pushed back over his head, one hand wrapped around a controller. His other hand is palm up as he curls his fingers in and out, a wide smile on his lips and eyes bright.

“Pay up, Buck.” He demands as Eddie cracks up from behind Buck.

“Yeah, Buckley, pay up.” He parrots as Buck sighs dramatically and grabs his wallet from the side, pulling out two dollar bills, pretending to hand them over to the 11-year-old begrudgingly.

“Buck,” Chris giggles, taking the bills and stuffing them in the jar next to the fridge with its “NO SWEARING - $1 for each bad word!!!!!!” label on. Once they’re in, Chris bends down to inspect where they’re at. It’s just over half filled because Eddie has a potty mouth that would make a sailor blush - when they reach the blue line that loops the ridge of the jar, Chris gets to choose what they spend the money on. At the moment, he's stuck between a lego set or a solar system to hang from his bedroom ceiling. “You gave me two dollars but you only said one bad word!”

Buck grins, ruffling the boy's curls affectionately. “Just want to get you to that total a little quicker, buddy!” he laughs, winking at Chris who giggles again before returning to the sofa. They hear him talk into his headset, presumably to Harry and Denny, before the game noises resume.

“What was the extra dollar for?” Eddie asks, and Buck turns to see him leaning against the fridge, his arms crossed and a soft smile on his face, the last of the sun's rays illuminating him from behind making him look like a gift from heaven. Finally, the crease in his brow has gone.

Buck crosses the kitchen to the window, where the water in the sink has cooled and the bubbles have almost completely evaporated. He looks down into the water, lifting the last cup out of it and wiping it with the sponge as Eddie returns to his side, dishcloth in hand, ready to finish the job. Lightning fast, Buck scoops water into the cup and dumps it over Eddie, laughing brightly as he skips out of reach as Eddie gasps.

“Oh, you dick!” Eddie says dangerously, which is undercut by the way his hair is flopping in front of his eyes, dripping water down his nose. He starts to stalk forwards, until -

“Swear jar!” trills Chris, right on time, and Buck booms a laugh at the look on Eddie’s face. He pulls the cloth out of Eddie’s hand, wiping away the water and putting a hand on his wet shoulder. They're close, barely an inch between them, and Buck can feel Eddie's chest rise and fall with each breath he takes.

“Don’t worry, I already got you.” he says softly, aiming for light but completely missing the mark. Eddie looks kind of like he’s been clubbed over the head, and Buck doesn’t know what to do with that, so he just pats him on the shoulder before putting the plates away, a weird tension filling the room.

“Yeah, you do.” Eddie breathes, so quietly Buck is sure he wasn’t meant to hear it. His chest tightens as something like hope begins to bloom. Maybe couples therapy won’t be so bad after all.

Chapter Text

Buck has been in love with Eddie since the day they met.

Well, that isn’t strictly true. Buck wanted to lick every inch of Eddie’s body the second he laid eyes on him, but it took until after the earthquake when he saw Eddie with Christopher that he fell in love with him.

He didn’t realise it at first - too caught up with the Abby of it all, not to mention his sister moving to town, but those first seeds were planted almost immediately. Buck had nurtured them protectively and spent so much time with Eddie that they went from Buck and Eddie to BuckandEddie in the blink of an eye. The seeds grew to saplings, and then great big branches that wrapped around Buck’s skeleton, sinking into his bones and becoming his blood, his lifeline, his DNA. Every beat of his heart, every breath that he took; was all for Eddie, all of the time, and there was nothing Buck could do to stop it if he wanted to.

Sometimes, he wanted to.

Buck had realised what was happening right around the time of Shannon’s return, which was a true statement of how shitty Buck was at timing things right. He knew though, after hours of quiet discussion on Eddie’s sofa after dark, beer gone flat and warm in their grips, knees pressed together as they sat opposite one another, that Eddie wanted to try and make it work with her. For Christopher, he said, as if what he wanted didn’t matter. But that was Eddie all over - he would do anything for Chris, a feeling Buck understood all too well. Buck was willing - was happy - to step aside, to hide his feelings, bury them in that little box under his ribcage and lock them away, if it meant that Christopher was happy with his family back together.

But part of Buck also wanted to scream at Eddie: what about you? What is it that you want?

Before Shannon had returned, somewhere between Eddie hanging by a literal thread out of a skyscraper and finding Chris the right school, Buck thought that something might happen. At first, he thought it was just wishful thinking; a lingering touch to the neck here, a heavy glance there. Sometimes he would look at Eddie only to find him already staring back, something on his face a lot like wonder and a little like… well, it didn’t matter anyway. Shannon came back, and Buck made peace with whatever place he’d have in the Diazes' life. He tried to get a handle on his feelings, wrestle them into submission, and move on. But life, as usual, had other plans.

It was like Shannon’s death was the catalyst - suddenly, the world went to absolute hell in a handbasket. The truck bombing, the embolism, the tsunami, the lawsuit, the pandemic, the shooting, the hostage situation; all in quick succession, one after the other, all without giving him a chance to breathe, to process everything, to take stock of who he was, who he is, who he wants to be. The type of man he could be if only the universe would give him a fucking break for once. The type of men they could be, together, if only they had the chance to work it out.

And now here they are, together physically but with a mountain of shit between them.

“This is a good idea, right?” Eddie says as they stand shoulder to shoulder, facing the entrance to the building. He’s squinting as the midday sun beats down on them - his brow disappearing below his sunglasses, frowning (adorably, in Buck’s opinion) as if the door has personally offended him.

“I mean, it was your idea,” Buck notes with a quirk of his mouth, nudging their shoulders together to get Eddie to look at him. Everything he does is to get Eddie to look at him.

“It was actually Frank’s idea, thank you.” Eddie corrects, nudging Buck right back but beaming, taking Buck’s breath away a little. He turns back to the building, heaves a sigh, and mutters “fuck it” under his breath, and before Buck can blink Eddie has grabbed him by the wrist and is pulling him through the sliding doors.

“Swear jar,” Buck whispers as they enter the foyer, so silent you could hear a pin drop. Eddie swats at his arm with his free hand but doesn’t let go of his wrist as he frogmarches them up to the desk. A woman, probably in her early 40s, sits behind the tempered glass, clacking away on her keyboard in a completely disinterested way. She doesn’t look up at them as they approach, although her nostrils flare - Buck wonders if she can smell fear.

“We have an appointment with Dr Sandri at 12:30pm?” Eddie says, the end of the sentence lilting upwards to form a question, belying his nerves. The receptionist doesn’t falter - continuing to type with her left hand, her right trails to a pile of clipboards next to her. She grabs two without taking her eyes off the screen and slides them across the desk.

“Fill these in with as much detail as you can and then take them into your appointment.” She drones. Buck lifts the clipboards, clutching them to his chest, before realising that- “pens are in the pot on the table.” she sighs as if his mere existence was bothering her. Buck raises his eyebrows at Eddie, who does the same and then pulls them to the farthest set of chairs from the desk, grabbing two pens from the table as they pass.

“Holy shit, that woman is a witch!” Buck whispers as he hands Eddie the clipboard. Eddie huffs a laugh as he swaps the clipboard for a pen.

“Swear jar.” He teases, poking Buck in the stomach with the end of his pen. Buck makes a wounded sound, rubbing the sore spot dramatically until Eddie drops his hand onto Buck’s knee and rubs it apologetically. Buck’s brain shortcircuits. “Come on, let's get these filled in so that Madam Mim over there doesn’t turn us into frogs.”

“You’re getting your Disney movies muddled up,” Buck mutters as he looks down at the quiz attached to the clipboard. After the usual information, the first question reads “how long have you and your partner/spouse been together?” and Buck blinks, the knot in his chest suddenly tight again. He glances over to see what Eddie has put, only to realise that Eddie is already halfway down the page, scribbling his answers confidently throughout. Buck scans the rest of the questions, and one thing stands out - the language used is definitely aimed towards actual couples and not, well, whatever they are.

“Buck, come on, it’s nearly our turn,” Eddie whispers reproachfully, glancing at the big analog clock on the opposite wall from them.

“All of these questions are about partners or spouses!” Buck hisses back, alarmed at the sheer amount of information Eddie has jotted down on his own sheet. Eddie’s ears glow pink in the luminescent overhead lights.

“Well, we’re partners, aren’t we? So just fill it out for us and ignore the specific wording if you like.” He mutters in a rush, his words tripping over each other as if they all had to leave at once before he stopped himself. Eddie won’t make eye contact with him anymore, picking at a non-existent thread on his joggers - no, not his, those are Buck’s, there is that ink stain from when Chris’ fountain pen exploded during his calligraphy phase. Buck blinks twice, overwhelmed before he nods and starts writing answers nonsensically. He’s sure they don’t make sense, but at this point, he just needs something to do with his hands to distract him from the fact that he and Eddie are still partners, and it’s maybe not in the way he’d like, but in every other sense of the word they are, and what's more is that Eddie thinks so too, even after everything.

“Misters Buckley-Diaz?” calls a new voice, and both their heads shoot up to see a small Asian woman with a kind smile staring back at them.

“Oh, we’re not -” Eddie starts.

“He’s - I mean, I’m Buckley, and he’s Diaz.” Buck stutters at the same time. Dr Sandri’s smile broadens, and Buck thinks oh no, she knows.

*

“Why don’t you tell me why you’re here.” Dr Sandri says patiently. She’s sat in a plush red velvet chair that looks kind of like a throne to Buck. Her legs are crossed daintily, with her notepad propped on her knee and her pen poised, their questionnaires laying next to her on the small side table that also holds a mug of what smells like peppermint tea.

Buck glances at Eddie, who is already looking back, and thinks because I’d follow him to the ends of the earth if he asked.

“We’ve… well.” Eddie starts and lets out a humourless laugh before he begins again. “Both of us have been through a lot of pretty terrible things over the past few years together, and while we’re still best friends,” here he throws a small smile to Buck, who tucks it away in his ribcage box to dream about later, “we’ve been struggling more and more to talk about any of it.” He’s fiddling with the joggers again, pulling at a string that has no doubt come loose from all Eddie’s worrying. “My therapist, Frank, he suggested that while it’s great we’re both seeing someone about it individually, it might help our… relationship if we tried to talk to someone together. If we worked through the, um, trauma, together.” He finishes on an exhale as if speaking that much in one go was too taxing for him. Buck is overwhelmed with pride at how Eddie is expressing himself these days and makes a mental note to send a gift basket to Frank one day. He leans over to squeeze Eddie’s knee, smiling lightly. Eddie pats Buck’s hand in appreciation for the support, and they stay like that, frozen in time until Dr Sandri coughs quietly.

“And what about you, Evan?” Buck flinches at his given name, at the reminder that no, they aren’t the only two people in the room, and no, best friends shouldn’t really be staring into each other’s eyes whilst gently caressing their knees.

“Me?” he jumps back slightly, folding his arms across his chest, then unfolding them to clasp together in his lap instead. “I… well… the same thing really.”

Dr Sandri raises an eyebrow. “Which is?” she prompts.

“Well, what Eddie said.” Buck shifts uncomfortably, glancing at Eddie who nods encouragingly. It’s bizarre seeing Eddie, who used to clam up at the mere notion of discussing his feelings, suddenly be the one to get Buck, who normally can’t shut the fuck up, to talk. “We’ve been through a lot of sh- stuff together and it sort of feels like… we’ve let it build up? I mean, we’re still there for each other, still have each other's backs, but it feels like there’s this… huge chasm of crap in between us that is getting harder and harder to reach each other through.” He’s mortified to feel his eyes prickling, hates how quick he is to tears, hears his father’s voice telling him to quit being such a baby, and angrily rubs at his eyes with the heel of his hand.

“Well, I must say it’s refreshing to have the two of you already on the same page in terms of what you want and why you’re here. Usually, that takes a lot longer to work through.” Dr Sandri chuckles. “And I’m glad that you’re both open to being honest in this space, as that will make this process a lot easier.”

“And we’ll be okay, right?” Buck says suddenly. “Once we’ve worked through everything, once we’ve laid it all out… we’ll be back to normal again?” He looks to Eddie, but this time Eddie is looking away, his face pained, and Buck feels his stomach drop, can’t believe he’s already screwed this up.

“What does normal look like for you, Evan?” Dr Sandri asks, her eyes on him but her pen moving across the page.

“Just… how it was before everything.” But that isn’t what he wants really, is it? He wants Eddie, and sometimes it feels like Eddie wants him, but he isn’t ready to say that, can’t form the words and send them out into the world not knowing if they’ll be welcomed or destroyed in one fell swoop.

“The thing with life,” Dr Sandri begins gently, “is that everything that happens, big or small, leaves a mark. We as people are always changing - that is what it means to live. So usually we cannot go back, we can only move forward.”

Buck is still looking at Eddie, so he sees when he finally turns back to look at Buck, and there is something there that makes Buck wonder if maybe, someday, he’ll be able to say the words he so desperately wants. Maybe, someday, he’ll hear them back.

“Okay. Forwards. Let’s do it.”

Chapter Text

The swear jar had been Buck’s idea, of course.

Eddie had always had a mouth on him - he’d get pulled up in school for foul language, and it was only exacerbated when he joined the army. His mother and father, naturally, hated it - said that only those who were uncivilised and uneducated would use such horrible words to express themselves, but surprisingly (or, perhaps not, if you knew Isabel at all) it was Abuela who used to say that as long as it was never used in polite company, he could curse all he fucking liked.

He’d only had to speak to Chris once about it - when he was six, right before they moved to LA, almost two years after Shannon had left. Helena had been fussing over Chris’ juice box, even though he was perfectly capable of drinking out of a plastic cup like his cousins were. Her clucking led to him accidentally dropping the whole thing as he became more and more flustered and annoyed, the purple liquid immediately staining his new white t-shirt with a T-Rex printed on the front. He’d shouted “oh just fuck off!” which, of course, was met with loud gasps and his mother literally clutching her pearls as if Chris had just committed a murder. Eddie had frozen where he was passing Adriana the green beans, knowing the absolute shitstorm heading his way. Next to him, Sophia was already snickering into her wine glass until Eddie had kicked her in the ankle.

“Edmundo! Look what you have done!” Helena’s voice had taken on that shrill tone that resembled a dog whistle - she only got like that when she was really mad. “You’ve corrupted your sweet young child with your foul ways already!”

“Come on, Chris, let's get you cleaned up.” Eddie was already out of his seat, gently picking up his son as he noticed he was almost in tears. He knew the feeling.

“I’m sorry Daddy,” Chris whispered miserably into his shoulder as they headed down the corridor to Chris’ room.

“It’s okay, mijo.” he’d muttered back, stroking his son’s curls as he carefully placed him on the bed. “Can you take your shirt off by yourself? We’ll have to give it a good soak to get that stain out.” Chris nodded and did as he was told whilst Eddie began to search for a new shirt, trying to sort through what he was going to say to his boy.

“I know that your grandma was upsetting you earlier,” he began softly after picking out a blue and yellow striped t-shirt and kneeling down in front of Chris. “But you need to know that using language like that can make people very upset.” Chris nodded glumly, lifting his arms above his head so Eddie could pull on the clean shirt. “I know it’s hard when we’re feeling angry, and sometimes you want to hurt the person who is making you angry, but it is always, always best to use kind words and kind actions to get your point across.”

“I know, Daddy. It just… ‘sploded out of me! I didn’t really mean it!” Chris started to cry, and it cracked Eddie’s heart a little bit. “I was just so mad, and I know grandma doesn’t like it when you say bad words, and I know I shouldn’t use them because they’re for grown-ups, but she treats me like a baby and I’m not a baby! I’m six and three quarters!” he huffs, and Eddie could see so much of Shannon in him at that moment he had to laugh, although it came out a little wet.

“I know, buddy. And I’m glad you know that it was wrong, and I know that you won’t use that kind of language again, right?” Chris shook his head emphatically, his little curls flying all around his face. Eddie had grinned and pulled his son into a hug, squeezing him tightly, and wondered how on earth he was going to get them out of this mess.

It was that night, after the ensuing argument and calls for Eddie to once again relinquish his parental rights over to Helena and Ramon, that Eddie logged onto his emails and saw a message from LAFD Captain Robert Nash.

Fast forward a few years, and Eddie could hear Chris and Buck giggling down the hall from Chris’ room. It was nothing new and filled Eddie’s chest with an inexplicable warmth that he desperately needed after his newest brush with death. The well incident had been close - too close, for his liking. And if the way Buck had been sticking to him, if the way he’d woken in the middle of the night to Buck standing over him sheepishly, his warm fingers looped around his wrist and pressed to his pulse point until Eddie had tugged him down under the covers, because Buck wasn’t the only one who needed reassurance of his breathing - well, it had been too close for Buck’s liking too, as far as Eddie could tell. It was why he had made a decision about his will - he was going to speak with his lawyer the following day to get everything straightened out as quickly as possible.

“What are you two doing in there?” he called down the hall, slowing his movements as he heard a squealed “Don’t come in yet!” from his son and the roll of laughter that followed. Buck poked his head around the door frame, his smile bright, and told him to wait in the living room for them. Two minutes later, the pair ambled into the room, Chris on his crutches and Buck with his hands behind his back. Chris took a deep breath, before glancing at Buck and nodding.

“TA-DA!!!” they chorused, and Buck had swung his arms from behind him to present what looked like a fishbowl with a sticker on the front in Chris’ chicken scratch writing “NO SWEARING - $1 for each bad word!!!!!!” and three stick figures with angry faces. Eddie was torn between laughing and being wildly offended.

“It’s for you, Dad!” Chris had giggled, “it’s a swear jar! Buck told me all about them!”

“Oh, he did, did he?” Eddie raised his eyebrows at his best friend, who had the world’s biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

“You should put a few dollars in there already Eds, I can hear your thoughts.” He joked. Eddie thanked the gods that Buck couldn’t actually read his mind because he was pretty sure he’d be in a lot of trouble by now.

“When it is filled to the top, I get to choose what to spend it on!” Chris chirped happily. Eddie rolled his eyes fondly and stood up to ruffle his curls.

“Nice try Christopher, but I don’t even curse that much. It’ll take a while to reach the top.” Eddie had said confidently as he’d grabbed the jar out of Buck’s hands, placed it on the kitchen counter and pulled out his wallet to get a few dollar bills out. He popped them in the jar with a “just to start you off” to Christopher before he raised his middle finger at Buck when Chris’ back was turned. Buck barked out a laugh that set Eddie’s insides aflame, and that was that - the Swear Jar Revolution had begun.

“Swear jar!” Chris would yell when Eddie stepped on loose lego parts.

“Swear jar!” Buck would mumble around his morning pancakes as Eddie tried to stab a blueberry onto his fork, only for it to fly across the room and splatter across the countertop.

“Swear jar!” Eddie grinned as Buck threw his controller across the sofa after losing Mario Kart for a fourth straight game.

It became so ingrained in their day to day vernacular that they’d say it at work to each other, mentally keeping score on how much they’d need to fork over when they returned back home. The team found it hilarious, often helping out with the count when one of them would say something out of earshot of the other.

“Bad day today huh?” Buck had grinned at Eddie one day after a particularly stressful shift. “You don’t even need to break a $20 when we get back.”

“God, you two should just get married already,” Chim complained loudly across the locker room.

“Fuck off.” They both responded at the same time, turning to grin at each other. “Swear jar!”

Chim shook his head in mock disgust. “I’m sick of both of you.” He muttered as he left the room.

And so on it went.

Chapter Text

With Eddie making ‘excellent progress’ in his own therapy, Frank reaches out to Bobby to recommend his transfer back to the 118.

Buck is over the moon at the idea of getting his best friend back by his side at work, and with Chim and Maddie finally coming home, it feels like his previously off-kilter world has shifted back to something that could resemble happiness if he squints.

“Have the two of you talked about your time apart at work?” Dr Sandri asks at their next therapy session two weeks later. They’re sat about an arm's length apart on the sofa opposite her, but their legs are facing each other and Eddie’s arm is running along the back of the couch, his fingers barely brushing Buck’s shoulder. It settles Buck, and grounds him the way just being in Eddie’s presence always does.

Buck frowns in confusion. “I mean, sure, we’ve talked about what’s going on; I’ve told him about the weird calls we’ve been on, he’s told me about the porn bots who keep responding to the LAFD tweets.” Eddie snorts his laughter and Buck grins back. Dr Sandri smiles and tilts her head.

“I meant, have you two discussed how you have felt not working together over the past few months, and what it means to you that you’ll be together again soon? If anything has changed?” she clarifies, her pen poised a ready to note take, as if she knows exactly what’s coming.

Heck, she probably does - Buck isn’t exactly difficult to read.

“I mean, uh…” he rubs the back of his neck, embarrassed although he can’t distinguish why yet. “Not really?” Dr Sandri raises her eyebrows at him, unimpressed and expectant, and he knows he won’t get away with that. He sighs and resolutely doesn’t look at Eddie. “It sucked. And not just in like a bit-of-a-bummer way, but like I’d just lost half of myself. It’s been the two of us for so long, I didn’t know how much I’d relied on having someone who just knows what I’m thinking before I do it, but without Eddie…” He scrubs a hand over his face, “I was second-guessing every step I made. It’s like I couldn’t… trust myself to make the right decisions without him backing me up.”

He’s never said any of that out loud before, never voiced his fear of completely fucking up on a call without Eddie there, and how lost he’s felt at work over the past few months. He knows he’s good at what he does, but he spent so long working as a pair that being by himself had him questioning everything he had known before. It’s taken a long time for him to get to a place where he knows that the decisions he’s making are the right ones - mostly, he hears Eddie’s voice in the back of his head, and always always listens, but that’s something he’ll be keeping to himself.

Eddie, when Buck can finally turn around to face him, looks devastated. “Buck I… you didn’t tell me any of that.” His voice is raw, and Buck feels a surge of guilt before remembering that this is the whole point of doing therapy together - they’re honest with each other.

“Well no, of course, I didn’t.” Buck chuckles dryly, rubbing his neck again. “I got why you left even though I was a little mad you didn’t talk to me first. And then everything happened with… well, y’know.” They both wince over the memory of that night, the holes in Eddie’s wall freshly covered but never quite the same. “I didn’t want to put my stupid feelings on you when you were going through so much.” He shrugs, and Eddie shifts so his whole body is now facing Buck; a sign that some Very Important Things are about to be said. Buck braces himself for impact.

“First off - your feelings are never stupid, and I always want to hear about them.” He’s so earnest that it cracks a hole in Buck’s chest. “The reason I didn’t talk to you, or anyone really, about my decision to leave the 118 was… well I didn’t want you to talk me out of it. I knew that the minute I told you, you’d say one word and it would make me go back on my decision, and all I could think about was Chris saying it was going to be my last Christmas and I… I couldn’t have you change my mind.” He runs his hands through his hair which makes it stand up on ends, and Buck has to sit on his own hands to stop himself from burying them into the soft strands.

“Being away from you and the 118… it was hard. Harder than I thought, and I wasn’t in the best frame of mind for it and that’s why I lost it because… well because it felt like I’d lost my identity for a while there. But it also gave me the chance to realise some things about myself, piece myself back together into someone that I think I could be proud of - that Christopher could be proud of.” Buck can’t stop himself this time as he launches forwards to grab Eddie’s hands.

“If there is anything I know in this world, it’s that Christopher is proud of you no matter what you do,” Buck says fiercely because he needs Eddie to hear him, to believe him. Eddie’s expression is so open, so raw like his life depends on Buck’s words being true. He nods, eyes a little glassy, and squeezes Buck’s hands in thanks.

“It’s been tough, but I think I’m coming back to the 118 better than I was when I left it, which means I can be a better partner to you.” He says softly, and Buck can hear the scratching of Dr Sandri’s pen but he’s pretty sure his heart is about to explode out of his chest and he can’t look away from Eddie’s earnest brown eyes. “A better partner, and… a better friend.” The scratching stops, and so does Buck’s heart.

And listen, Buck wasn’t expecting a love confession or anything. But he’s not stupid - they’re moving towards new territory with their relationship, and on some days he’s pretty sure it’s exactly where he’s always dreamed of it being. And Buck wouldn’t dare push Eddie into anything he’s not ready for but… the word friend hurts, just a little. But he can’t let Eddie know that - so he smiles, and squeezes Eddie’s hands before gently letting go.

“Yeah, me too.” He says quietly, not sure what he’s agreeing to but just wanting it to be over. He hears a thud and turns to see Dr Sandri with the book she’s been writing in slammed shut on her lap as if she had clapped it closed in anger. Buck looks at her, brow furrowed in confusion as she visibly takes a breath.

“Right. Well. That’s… great stuff.” She sighs, pinching the top of her nose, before collecting herself with a strained smile.

“Let’s move on to something else.”

*

Eddie’s last day at the dispatch office just so happens to be Maddie’s first day back on the job, so the whole floor gets together to create a hybrid “sorry you’re leaving/yay you’re back!” party organised by Josh and Linda. On the dispatch floor, there are balloons and streamers and a large bouquet of flowers on Maddie’s desk, with a ribbon tied around her headset; in Eddie’s office around the corner, a huge cake that says “LAFD Update: You’re a real firefighter!” that was definitely designed by May, with a large card signed by everyone on the floor. Eddie feels lighter than normal as he cuts slices up the cake (lemon sponge with a raspberry filling, definitely baked by one Captain Nash) for everyone, handing them out with a smile and the occasional hug. Maddie keeps catching his eye and grinning, as if she can’t quite believe all this fuss is for them - Eddie knows how she feels.

“So, Eddie,” Linda starts, leaning against his desk to face him better as he arranges a particularly large slice onto one of the last paper plates in his stack. “You excited about getting back out there, fighting the fires, saving the cats from trees?” He raises an eyebrow at her, but he can’t stop the wry smile that tilts up his face.

“Well, I’m sure the cat population of LA will rest a little easier knowing I’m back on the streets,” he quips, licking some frosting from his thumb as he puts the knife down away on the far side of the desk - the last thing he needs is to accidentally stab someone on his last day. “But to answer your question… yes, I am.” He folds his hands into his lap as he perches next to her, a private smile on his lips. “It doesn’t feel real yet, but I’m ready to get back to the job.”

“And to your boy.” She says knowingly, waggling her eyebrows and nudging him with her elbow. He stands up and lets out a small laugh.

“I don’t know what you mean.” He feigns, knowing he hasn’t fooled her but enjoying the laughter it coaxes anyway.

“Were you talking about Buck?” Eddie starts as Maddie appears from seemingly nowhere, an empty paper plate in her hand which she puts on the table.

“What - no!” Eddie splutters as Linda says “How did you know?!” incredulously.

“Because of the look on Eddie’s face,” Maddie says triumphantly - Eddie can feel the back of his neck getting hot with embarrassment. “He has a specific face that he only ever gets when he’s talking about Buck. Howie and I call it his ‘Buck face’. It’s cute.” She scrunches up her nose and reaches out to pinch his cheek, which he bats away playfully.

“I do not have a ‘Buck face’.” He scowls at her half-heartedly, knowing it’s probably true. He has to learn to control his facial expressions better - it’s going to get him caught out sooner rather than later.

“You do, but it’s okay.” Maddie smiles softly at him as she pats his upper arm in sympathy. “Anyone who looks the way you do when you’re talking about my brother is good with me.”

The flush he had felt on his neck has covered his full face now - he’s pretty sure he’s so bright he could direct traffic. Maddie looks delighted though, so he just shakes his head at her exasperatedly and leans against the wall.

“How’re you feeling about being back?” He doesn’t just mean at dispatch - they haven’t had a chance to catch up properly since she returned a couple of weeks ago, right before his and Buck’s first therapy session. Before she’d left, Eddie and Maddie had grown pretty close - they were both the eldest sibling, who’d had to grow up faster than they should’ve, both had regrets about abandoning family members, both were stubborn to a fault, both took things to heart easily. They’d bonded over their matching shitty childhoods (or lack thereof) with a pitcher of margaritas a few months before she fell pregnant, and that, as they say, is history.

“I’m… well.” She lets out a big breath. “I’m glad to be back, and I’m thankful to be able to return without too much fuss. But…” she trails off.

“Yeah. But.” Eddie responds, knowing exactly what she means.

“Me and Howie… we have a long way to go until we’re on track to where we want to be. I know that I have a lot to do to make it up to him and Jee, and I’d do anything for us to be a real family again. I’m just glad he’s giving me the time of day.” She reaches over to grab a bottle of water, fiddling with the label before she opens it to take a swig. “We’re, uh, going to therapy together.”

“So are Buck and I.” Maddie chokes on her sip of water, slapping her free hand over her mouth to stop herself from spraying water everywhere. People around them give them weird looks as Eddie laughs and pats Maddie on the back as she struggles to swallow.

“God, sorry.” She gasps, grinning weakly at him. “Just the way you worded it, sounded like you meant you and Buck were doing couples therapy.” She laughs lightly and he nods, nonplussed.

“That’s because we are.” Maddie’s jaw literally drops. “I definitely thought he’d have told you.” He says sheepishly, mentally reminding himself to shoot a text to Buck to warn him of the impending storm - maybe Eddie will go buy him some of his favourite beer from that microbrewery down the street as an apology.

“No, I definitely would have remembered that little fact!” She whispers shrilly, glancing around to see if anyone else is listening. “Is this - I mean, are you-”

“No, we’re not, uh. A couple.” Why is it suddenly so hard to get words out? “It was - Frank thought it would be good for us to start communicating better with the help of a professional so we’re uh. I mean we’ve only had two sessions but… it’s really helping us, I think.” He smiles tentatively, and Maddie grips his arm gently.

“I think that it’s a great idea - it’s really helping me and Howie too.” She smiles softly at him, her eyes fond. “Do you think-”

“It’s not like that.” Eddie cuts her off hurriedly, internally wincing as her face drops a little. “Me and Buck, we’re… we’re best friends, y’know? We’re just trying to get back to how we were before.” It sounds weak, he knows that. But the thought of anything else at the moment - it’s too big, too much to comprehend right now. One day at a time. Maddie leans her head on his shoulder and sighs.

“I don’t think we’ll ever get back to the people we were before. But maybe we can be better.” Eddie rests his head on top of hers, and thinks of Buck’s smile and the way he’d clasped Eddie’s hands in therapy the other day.

“That’s the dream.”

Chapter Text

“Let’s talk about Christopher.” Dr Sandri says, nine days after Eddie’s grand return to the 118.

Eddie had walked into the station 25 minutes before his shift started, after dropping Chris off at school, to the sound of Buck loudly hushing everyone from behind the engine truck, a few scattered giggles and some muttering that was clearly from Chim. There had been a banner hanging from the loft railing that said “welcome back eddie!”, with a scrawled “finally!!!!!” that was definitely scribbled by Buck. Eddie smirked as he rolled his neck, before huffing loudly.

“Gee, I sure hope no-one forgot I was coming in today!” he said so his voice carried, gratified to hear what was definitely Hen let out a snort before she was shushed by Buck again. “Maybe I should head back to dispatch.”

“Don’t you dare!” Buck shouted as he jumped out from behind the engine truck, a huge grin on his face. “Surprise!”

He raised his arms as everyone emerged, shooting disgruntled looks at Buck before halfheartedly echoing his sentiment. He got a few pats on the back from some of the C shift guys who had clearly been co-erced into staying on longer than their normal shift times - Eddie didn’t want to know what Buck had done to swing that, as Eddie had never been particularly close with them (he had always got on with the guys on the B shift more, and he’d see them at the change over in 24 hours). Hen came over to give him a huge squeeze, murmuring how happy she was to have him back, and Chim shook his hand rigorously whilst muttering about how hopefully Buck would be “less insufferable now you’re back, man. Seriously, he’s been a nightmare.” Buck laughed loudly, clapping Chim on the shoulder and reminding him that he’d only just got back from his travels.

“Well exactly, and you’ve already thoroughly tired me out with your incessant chatter. Now that Eddie’s back, at least you can yabber on to him about thunderstorms or whatever bones you were spouting earlier.”

“Hey!” Buck yelped. “It’s so interesting!! Did you know that at any given time, there are at least 2,000-”

“Thunderstorms happening on Earth.” Chim parroted dispondantly at the same time. “Yes, Buck, I did know that, because you’ve mentioned it twenty thousand times.” He rolled his eyes as Buck scowled.

“Eddie likes my facts, don’t you Eddie?” and he had looked so hopeful that Eddie didn’t have the heart to tease him.

“Of course I do.” he said loyally, his chest warming at Buck’s megawatt smile in response.

The shift had been pretty standard - a few car accidents, a woman who had tripped on her laptop wire and pulled the whole socket out of the wall, and a man who had fallen down an uncovered manhole into the sewer below. He’d just been glad to be with his team again, falling seamlessly into the rhythm he and Buck had had before he’d left. It’d given him a spring in his step, and as the shift ended he’d asked Buck if he wanted to come and collect Chris from Abuela’s house and go for breakfast together. They’d gone to the pancake house around the block that sold the pancakes that were basically souffles with how big and fluffy they were. Buck put some whipped cream on the tip of his nose and made Chris laugh so much he’d snorted his orange juice all over himself and the table. It had been a great morning.

Eddie smiles at the memory as Buck leans forward, a soft expression on his face.

“My favorite topic.” He says, in a tone that would sound like a joke to anyone who didn’t know Buck, didn’t know how much love he had for the boy. That warm feeling he always gets around Buck spreads through his chest, his mind whispering something that he isn’t quite ready to face yet.

Dr Sandri smiles indulgently. “From what you’ve told me before, you have quite the relationship with him.” Buck nods emphatically.

“He’s the best person I know.” It’s so, so earnest, makes Eddie’s heart skip a beat. “I could be in the worst mood in the world, but seeing his little face… it just turns it all around.” He glances over at Eddie with a grin. “He’s so like Eddie that sometimes it’s like I’m seeing double. Just yesterday I was helping him with his math homework, and when I gave him the wrong answer for the 7th time in a row he just levelled me with a look that was all Eddie, like a little exasperated and pitying, and suggested I go make him a snack instead.” He chuckles at the memory, and Eddie can’t help but laugh along.

“Hey, it’s not just me he takes after!” Eddie says, bumping his shoulder to Buck’s electricity sizzling through his body at the contact. “Last week he wanted ice cream for breakfast after I’d burned his eggs, and I said absolutely not, but he gave me these big eyes that is all Buckley and I just couldn’t say no.” Buck looks a little like he’s just been struck by lightning, which of course Dr Sandri picks up on immediately, like a shark smelling blood in the water.

“How does that make you feel, Evan?” she asks as Buck blinks slowly at her, as if just remembering she was even in the room.

“I mean… it’s nice that Eddie thinks Chris acts like me, sometimes.” He looks down at his lap. “It feels like… it’s nice to feel like you’ve made even the smallest of impacts on someone who has had such an impact on you.” And - no, that won’t fly with Eddie.

“Are you kidding me?” He asks incredulously. “‘The smallest of impacts? Buck, you’ve literally helped me raise this kid for almost 5 years, and you think you’ve only had a small impact on him? You are his favorite person in the whole world, he idolises you; on Tuesday I caught him in the bathroom fiddling with his hair and when I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to get his hair to ‘do the thing’ that yours does. He loves you - please don’t ever doubt the place you have in that kids life.” He leans back with his arms crossed, exhausted all of a sudden. He can feel Buck frozen next to him, can picture the look of stunned disbelief on his face that Eddie’s words have left in their wake.

“You, uh… You think I helped raise him?” Buck’s voice is stretched thin, gutted as if Eddie’s words have hollowed him out. Eddie can’t stand it.

“What else would you call it? You’ve taken him to his PT sessions, you make sure he takes his meds and eats his vegetables, you read him bedtime stories and check he’s brushed his teeth before he goes to sleep. You research every passing interest he has, help him with his homework, take him swimming and surfing and built him a fucking skateboard, for fuck sake! You saved him in a goddamn tsunami, searched for him for hours when you were bleeding out, looked after him when I was shot; you made 3 dozen mini muffins for his PTA bake sale three months ago - a bake sale that I didn’t even know was a thing until after it had already happened, may I add! I don’t know about you, but it sounds a hell of a lot like something only a dad would do.” He looks at Buck expectantly, his heart pounding furiously under his ribs. He doesn’t know how to be clearer with Buck, how many ways he can give his heart and soul away to the man until he gets it. Buck blinks furiously, his eyes red-rimmed.

“Uh… swear jar.” he murmurs and Eddie throws his hands in the air, looking at Dr Sandri who is hiding a smile behind her notepad.

“A little help here please, Doc?” he begs as she laughs and nods.

“Evan, are you surprised to hear this from Eddie?” She asks patiently.

“I… no? I mean, sort of? I don’t know how to be anyone's dad.” He almost whispers it, as if in awe of the label.

“From what Eddie just… colourfully described, it sounds like you already have it down.” Dr Sandri noted gently. Buck shook his head.

“No that’s not…” Buck flounders and takes a short, frustrated breath. Eddie can feel the tension rolling off of him and yearns to help, but this is something he needs Buck to understand even if it’s hard, so he keeps his hands to himself. “All of that stuff… I do it because I love Chris, and I want to help out. A lot of the time, I didn’t have anyone around to help me out when Maddie was gone, my parents were… not great, so… I never want Chris to feel that way.”

“You just said you love Chris, right?” Buck nods as Dr Sandri leans forward - Eddie can feel something big about to happen, something that will shift the ground under their feet when it’s out there. He leans forward too, eyes on Buck. “And you want what’s best for him? You never want him to feel how you felt, is what you said. The way that your parents made you feel - alone, confused, scared?” She pauses, before landing the full blow. “You want to be a better parent to Chris than your parents were to you, because you are a parent to Chris. Eddie just said as much. It might scare you, Evan, but that is the reality of your situation.”

Buck’s eyes are wet as they slide to Eddie, who nods. Buck let’s put a massive breath, shoulders slumping even though there is a watery smile on his face.

“I thought I was just the back-up.” He admits quietly - Eddie still feels the words shudder through him like ice. “With the will, it just felt like… I could only be that to Chris if you weren’t around anymore. I didnt realise I already was.” Eddie can’t stand it anymore - he grips Buck, clasping onto the space where his neck meets his shoulder and squeezes.

“You can be that. You are that. Chris wants that - I want that. You have no idea how much I want that.” Something else creeps into Buck’s eyes - if it’s anything like what Eddie feels, it’s probably a little like hope and a lot like fear. They’re on the cusp of something; all Eddie wants is to tip right over, the two of them, together.

“Yeah?” Buck whispers. Eddie nods, his thumb running over Buck’s neck; goosebumps erupt in its wake.

“Yeah.”

They still have a lot to get through, but they have it now; the promise of something more, something precious. A light at the end of their tunnel.

Chapter Text

Eddie has been back at work for almost a month when it all goes to hell.

Up until now, his shifts have been pretty quiet - if anything, Eddie has been dying for a little action, something he’d never thought he’d say. He feels like he needs to prove himself - to remind Bobby and the team why he had a place on the team in the first place, why they suffered through his self-imposed exile and were happy to have him back. The itch is under his skin, an itch he hasn’t felt since the last time he saw his parents (and boy, did Frank love that analogy in their last session).

The itch is low level the day before The Shift. He barely notices it as he’s prepping lunch for he and Christopher, when his son ambles down the hallway.

“Hey Dad!” He shouts before entering the room and looking around, disappointment filling his features. Eddie finished chopping the carrots, a small smirk on his face; he knows exactly what - or rather, who - Chris is looking for.

“Oh.” His son says, coming to a stop in the doorway. “Where’s Buck?” He asks predictably. Eddie puts the knife back down, palms flat on the counter top.

“In his own apartment, I assume.” Buck was actually on his way over in a couple of hours to surprise Chris with an early birthday movie marathon - the soon-to-be 12 year old had been swept up in the Star Wars hype that had his class in a chokehold at the moment and Buck - who had fallen in love with the movies after being forced by Chimney to watch them all during lockdown - was out collecting the Death Star Lego set before he came over. Eddie knew they only had so long with Chris wanting to watch movies and make Lego with them, so was more than happy with the plan, even if the Lego sets were getting more and more expensive by the day.

Chris huffs. “Why haven’t you asked him to move in yet?” He sighs, rolling his eyes. “It would be so much easier if he just lived here - now I have to call him instead.”

Eddie is - well, he’s shocked, to be honest. Of course Eddie wants Buck around all the time, would love to have Buck with them every day in a permanent sort of way. But these feelings, although not new, are something that Eddie is only just working through with Frank. He’s just beginning to learn what it means for him, what it could mean for the two of them. But asking him to move in? That’s about 100 steps ahead of where Eddie is at the moment.

And he knows, or is at least 95% sure that Chris is joking. But there isn’t much Eddie wouldn’t give to skip those steps and just do it anyway, consequences be damned.

He’s not sure Frank would be best pleased, although he has a feeling Dr Sandri would be thrilled.

“He’s busy right now bud, he may not-” he pauses as Chris begins chattering away on his phone, turning to head back into his room, Buck’s enthusiastic greeting floating over to Eddie and warming him all the way down to his toes.

Buck arrives two hours later, laden down with huge bags filled with snacks and drinks for them to completely pig out on during the marathon. He pushes the door open with his hip, his key hooked on his finger, and Eddie thinks that he could be ready for this to be his everyday very soon.

“Where’s my favourite Diaz?” He hollers, winking at Eddie as he dumps the bags on the counter. “Hide the Lego while I distract him.” He mutters under his breath before following the excited squeal down the hall. Eddie hears his sons delighted “Buck!” before the door closes. Eddie rolls his eyes fondly, grabbing the bulky box out of the bag and creeping down the hall to his bedroom, slotting it at the top of his wardrobe behind some bags to join the other hidden presents - a new game for Chris’ PlayStation that he’s been begging for, a model of a fighter jet that he and Buck were eyeing at the museum the other week, and a fancy set of watercolours and a few blank canvases after Christopher’s therapist encouraged his creative side. They’ll wrap them later, after Chris is asleep - his birthday isn’t for another week anyway.

The afternoon and evening fly by - they start with the original trilogy first, and Christopher loses his mind at the Darth Vader reveal, throwing popcorn everywhere in shock. His eyes are dropping closed by the end of episode six, a sleepy smile on his face as the end credits begin to roll.

“That was the best thing I’ve ever watched!” He says contentedly as he stretches. “What are the next ones? Can we watch them in the morning?”

Buck laughs, low and deep, the sound rumbling through Eddie’s bones.

“Sadly we have work tomorrow and you have school, but we can definitely watch the prequels and then the sequels when we’re both off next weekend.” He says, ruffling Chris’ curls as he stands up, beginning to clear away the debris of the night. “You’ll meet my favourite character in the sequels as well - you’re going to love him.”

“What’s his name? Is he really cool?” Chris asks excitedly, eyes suddenly wide awake and hanging on to Buck’s every word.

“His name is Poe Dameron, and he’s the coolest guy in the galaxy. Absolute hero. And that’s all I’m going to say because I don’t want to spoil it and you have to get to bed.” Chris groans goodnaturedly and gets up, heading over to Buck to give him a hug. Buck’s face morphs into something soft as he leans down and wraps his arms around the boy like he still can’t believe he gets this. It makes Eddie’s heart ache.

They get Chris settled in his room, and after a few beers and a lot of laughter trying to wrap Chris’ presents, Buck stands to leave, stretching his arms above his head as he stretches. Eddie can’t take his eyes off the strip of skin that he exposes. As Buck’s arms drop to his side, Eddie wraps his fingers around Buck’s wrist, Buck’s pulse fluttering widely under the pads of his fingers as he whispers one word.

“Stay.”

Buck swallows roughly, ears going pink as he nods enthusiastically.

They get ready for bed in silence, working seamlessly around each other. Buck has a drawer at the base of Eddie’s wardrobe with various pieces of clothing that had got muddled in washes over the years; he had added a few more items after Eddie’s breakdown when he was sleeping on the sofa every night to help with Chris. After a few nights and a few screaming nightmares on both their parts, they’d given up with the pretense and slept in the same bed together. Both kept to their respective sides, the gulf between them reflecting the walls that had grown unintentionally since Eddie was shot.

When they get into bed, Eddie turns to face Buck. Buck’s eyes are already on him, warm and relaxed, as if they do this all the time.

“Today was a good day.” Eddie breathes, his stomach doing a backflip as Buck’s eyes crinkle in joy at the simple statement.

“I wish everyday could be like today.” Buck sighs wistfully, eyelids drooping even as he fights to stay awake. Eddie reaches across the gulf, tangling their fingers together. Buck’s eyes don’t open, but the small smile on his face grows and he squeezes back.

“Maybe they can.” Eddie murmurs quietly, eyes finally closing, the full bodied contentment he feels dragging him down into the depths of unconsciousness.

*

Of course, with the way Eddie and Buck’s lives have been up until that point, there is no way that the universe was going to let them have just a few days of hope.

They wake up to the sun streaming through the curtains, in exactly the same position as they’d fallen asleep in, with Chris’ crutches banging on the door.

“We’re going to be late, Dads!” Buck bolts upright, definitely picking up on the plural. He looks like he’s been hit over the head with a frying pan. Eddie chuckles as he sits up a little slower, glancing over at the digital clock on his bedside table before doing a double take. They have 10 minutes until they have to leave, and Chris no doubt still needs breakfast.

“Shit!” He swears loudly, making Buck jump so hard he ends up rolling onto the floor, his feet tangled in the sheets.

“Ow, fuck, Jesus Eddie!“ he yelps, untangling his feet and jumping up even as Eddie pulls off his sleep top and grabs his LAFD shirt from the side. It’s a little bigger than normal, but Eddie lost a bit of muscle in the office, so he isn’t too bothered about it.

He swings the door open to his son's beaming face; he’s leaning against his own bedroom door frame opposite, a school bag slung over one shoulder with the other arm held out towards Eddie’s chest. In his hand is the swear jar.

“You both owe the swear jar money.” Chris says, mock sternly as Buck pops his head over Eddie’s shoulder before promptly bursting into laughter at the expression on Chris’ face.

“Okay, okay kid.” Eddie chuckles as he takes the jar from his sons outstretched hands before thrusting it behind him - Buck let’s out an “oooft” as he hits him in the chest. “Buck will sort that out - I need to get you ready for school.”

Chris levels him with an unimpressed look. “I’m already ready, Dad.” He rolls his eyes, and Buck guffaws behind Eddie. “I even made myself cereal for breakfast, and had a shower, and brushed my teeth.” He beams to show off his pearly whites. “I’m just waiting for you two sleepyheads to take me to school!”

Eddie can’t argue with that - they dress quickly, deciding to shower the first break they have at the firehouse. Buck darts out of the bedroom as Eddie is propping open the front door, ushering Chris out to the car. His shirt is pulled tight over his pecs, and Eddie’s mouth goes a little dry.

God, Frank is going to love this.

Buck seems to love it too; as if he can read Eddie’s mind, he smirks and winks as he ducks under Eddie’s arm, rushing after Chris to scoop him up and buckle him in the car. Eddie stops in his tracks as he notices the name on the back of Buck’s shirt.

Diaz.

Eddie shoves a few more dollars in the swear jar to repent for the litany of curses streaming through his brain.

*

Eddie decides to talk to Buck about his feelings after the shift is up - he doesn’t think he can keep it to himself anymore. He’s pretty sure Buck has an idea of how Eddie feels; Eddie is pretty sure he knows how Buck feels too. He wants it out in the open though - no more hiding.

He wants Buck, in a permanent way. That’s all there is to it.

Eddie realises soon after arriving at the station the reason his shirt was so big - the cackle that Hen let out in the bunk room at his face as he checked out the printed “BUCKLEY” in the mirror almost brought the house down.

He still hadn’t changed, though - and neither had Buck, although Eddie had heard Chimney giving him grief about finally tying the knot.

Eddie’s still in his head about speaking with Buck when the alarm goes off, about 7 hours into their 24 hour shift. It’s a five alarm fire at a warehouse a few miles away, and Eddie’s blood is pounding in his ears as he suits up and jumps in the rig, knee knocking into Buck’s. The itch is back under his skin now; it’s his first big fire since his return, and that insatiable need to prove himself is consuming him. He forces himself to focus on his breathing, trying to get himself in the zone and ready for what awaits them.

When they arrive, it’s absolute pandemonium. Eddie is already sweating in his turnouts, the heat from the flames overwhelming. Bobby is liaising with the fire chief as they pull out all the equipment, and is heading back by the time they’re ready.

The details that Cap has are this; there were thought to be at least 300 people in the warehouse, but the teams already on scene have only managed to rescue around half due to the severity of the fire itself. Some of those who have already been rescued have reported that there are women and children stuck in a room off the northwest corridor, because of course this warehouse doubled as a sweatshop. Eddie can see Athena and a few of her officers gathering statements from some of the soot-covered survivors, no doubt to find the landlord of this fine establishment and lock him away forever.

“Wilson and Han, I want you triaging with the other medics over by the medic tent at the southwest corner - if they need you to go in, stick together and stay on open comms.” Bobby begins as Hen and Chimney rush off in the direction of the tent. “Diaz, Buckley - I want you to join the 137 at the northwest corner of the building to help with the rescue of the women and children.” Buck and Eddie nod to each other, before Bobby continues. “Same rules apply - stay together, stay safe. If you hear the call to evacuate, you do it immediately - no playing the hero, do you understand me?” He’s blatantly staring at Buck, who nods again grimly.

“Understood, Cap.” Bobby smiles tightly at the both, clapping Buck on the shoulder before pushing him forwards. Eddie follows after him, knocking their shoulders together and earning a tight smile from the younger man.

They liaise with the captain of the 137 - a tall, imposing woman who introduces herself as Captain Shain. Buck and Eddie are sent with two firefighters called Henderson and Gomez to find the group still stuck inside; according to intel, they are stuck in a room that has been blocked by some fallen debris. Henderson and Gomez are to secure the structure and fight the flames, ready for Buck and Eddie to carry out retrieval. Captain Shain has told them they have around 15 minutes until the whole place comes crashing down - it’s not a big window, but they’ve worked with worse.

Everything seems to be going well; the smoke is thick but the flames seem to have been beaten back by the other teams. Henderson and Gomez work quickly and efficiently, stabilising the fallen beams as Eddie and Buck work to clear the smaller pieces that are jamming the door. Eddie has to break the door down with his shoulder and they make quick work of clearing the room. Eddie feels sick at the sight of so many terrified women and children, too thin and soot covered. Most of them can’t speak a word of English; Eddie mutters softly to a few of them in Spanish, trying to keep them calm.

They’ve cleared most of the room when they get the order to clear out - Eddie can distinguish Bobby’s authoritative voice through the radio as he lets them know the structure is about to fall, and that all teams need to evacuate immediately. Buck is closest to the door, pointing a woman in the direction of Henderson so he can help her get out. Eddie takes one more sweeping glance around the room before being satisfied that they’ve gotten everyone else out before heading to Buck’s side.

“All clear here.” Eddie confirms as Buck looks up.

“Great. Let’s get out of here before this place comes down on us.” Buck says, clapping Eddie on the shoulder, letting him slip past.

Eddie throws a thumbs up to Henderson so he knows they’re all clear, before he hears his radio crackle again.

“Firefighters Henderson, Gomez, Diaz, Buckley: report.” Eddie recognises Captain Shain’s voice.

“All clear, Cap.” Henderson replies swiftly. “We’re all heading back out now.”

“Received. Make it fast - the whole building’s about to come down.”

“Copy that.” Henderson beckons for them to follow and disappears around the corner, satisfied that Eddie and Buck are right behind him. The structure shudders and a crack splinters the ceiling above them, dust falling down to coat their clothes as it rumbles loudly, the sound shaking his bones. They both break out into a run, Buck just slightly ahead as they turn the corner, the exit a light in the distance.

That’s when he hears it - a small cry from a room just off of the corridor, two doors away from the entrance that he could’ve sworn they’d already cleared. Eddie skids to a stop, peering through the shattered glass window and can see a small, scared face peeking out from underneath a fallen table.

“Hey!” He shouts, his voice getting lost in the thunderous sound of the building finally giving up. He sprints into the room and grabs the small girl who can’t be more than five, her whole body shuddering as she coughs. He doesn’t have a chance to check her over as he bundles her body close to his. Skidding back into the corridor, he sees Buck’s shoulders drop in relief as he stands just outside the doorway, clearly waiting for Eddie.

He can feel the building falling around them as he sprints to the exit - is maybe 15 foot from safety when he sees Buck’s hand reach out, can see his eyes widen and mouth open ready to shout in warning.

It’s still not enough as the building folds in on top of Eddie.

Chapter Text

“You’re gonna wear a hole in the floor if you keep that pace up, kid.” Bobby doesn’t even look up from the magazine he’s perusing in the hospital waiting room. Buck glowers at his captain, not slowing his steps.

“They’ve been in there ages with him - why don’t we have an update yet?” He growls. He knows he’s irritating the rest of his team, but he can’t help it. The terror is a buzz under his skin, has settled there since he’d turned around as he’d exited the building only to realise Eddie was no longer behind him. Every bone in his body had screamed at him to run back inside to find him; the constant stream of Christopher needs you running through his mind the only thing that kept him rooted to the spot.

Buck doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to close his eyes and not see Eddie running towards him clutching a small child one second, and then disappearing from view in the next blink as the entire building fell on him. Just another horrifying, heart stopping moment for Buck to add to his dungeon of trauma.

The dust hadn’t even settled before Buck had been sprinting forwards, ripping away the debris with his bare hands and screaming Eddie’s name. He’d been joined seconds later by everyone else, and a team of no less than 20 firefighters were digging through the pile. Buck could barely breathe, couldn’t hear above the buzzing in his ears and the litany of not again not again please don’t let me lose him that was thundering through his mind.

It had taken 35 minutes for them to reach Eddie, who had been hunched over the little girl's body and was covered in dust and rubble. By some miracle, when the entire building had fallen on Eddie’s head, the beams of the ceiling had folded together to create a small tent-like structure, deflecting the larger items of debris away from their bodies and effectively saving both their lives. When Buck finally pulled away that last piece of rubble to reveal Eddie’s body he almost sobbed - his heart didn’t start beating again until Eddie turned around, face grey with dust but a tired smile on his face. He was still clutching the girl to his chest - she was gripping his coat so tightly Buck was surprised it hadn’t ripped.

“Took you long enough.” He quipped, his voice raw with relief. Buck was frozen in place, cataloging the injuries he could see with his eyes (a shallow cut above his eyebrow, a bruised cheekbone and a gash down his arm that cut through his turnout coat).

“Well when you’re finished lazing about, Diaz, we’d like to get you two out of there.” Chim joked a beat later when it was clear Buck wasn’t going to respond. Eddie huffed and nodded, murmuring to the little girl who shook her head, clutching tighter to him. Eddie glanced back up, his brow furrowed.

“I think you’ll have to get us both out at the same time then.”

Once the two of them were free, the little girl had to be prised from Eddie’s arms to be bundled into an ambulance and whisked away to the hospital. Buck had never related to a five year old more. Hen had thrown the dented helmet to the side to check Eddie for any signs of concussion, whilst Chim cut away the turn out coat to clean and wrap the wound on his left arm. Buck assessed everything a step away, hovering over their shoulders as Eddie scowled at the fuss.

“Hen, I’m honestly fi- ah!” Eddie hissed as the paramedic pressed against his ribs.

“What the fuck was that?” Buck demanded, glaring at Eddie who rolled his eyes.

“Nothing!” He protested, until Hen pushed lightly again and he winced.

“Potential broken ribs - definitely bruised at least.” She confirmed. “Let’s get you to the hospital for an x-ray. I want to check out that knock on your head as well.”

As Eddie was loaded into the ambulance, Buck had picked up the dented helmet, running his fingers over the divots that could so easily have been on Eddie’s skull instead. He’d run around the other side of the truck and emptied the contents of his stomach before climbing into the ambulance, opting to sit in the front with Hen instead of in the back with Eddie and Chim. He’d ignored her raised eyebrows as he leant his head back against the headrest, closing his eyes as he tried to calm his heart rate.

“You good, Buckaroo?” Hen asked softly as they pulled away. Buck huffed, shaking his head and felt her reach out to grip his knee. “He’s okay.” She whispered, and he opened his eyes, feeling the tell-tale prickle of tears that threatened to fall. He nodded, swallowing around the lump in his throat and tried to smile at Hen before shaking off her hand and fiddling with the radio.

“I’ll let dispatch know we’re on our way.”

Hen let it slide, but Buck couldn’t help the wave of terror threatening to sweep him away at any moment. He was off-kilter, his world shifted under his feet. It hadn’t helped that as soon as they’d arrived, Eddie was whisked away to be assessed, leaving Buck with a hollow ache in his chest.

“Buck.” Bobby says now, soft and placating. “Kid, come sit with me for a sec.”

“I don’t need to sit Bobby, I’m not a child.” He snaps, scowling at the eyebrow Bobby gives him.

“Then stop acting like one and sit your ass down.” Bobby replies - it’s stern enough that Buck does as he’s told, flopping down on the chair opposite his captain and covering his face with his hands.

“‘m sorry.” He mumbles through his hands. He hears the scuff of a chair moving back, and steady footsteps coming towards him. Bobby’s hand is a welcome, grounding weight on his shoulder, helping him regulate his breathing. He runs his hands down his face, letting them fall into his lap as he turns to look at Bobby, who is smiling softly.

“You know, when I first met you, I was terrified.” Buck raises his eyebrows - this isn’t where he thought this conversation was going. “I thought that you were just some cocky little brat that was going to come in here, mess around and get yourself killed. I didn’t want to love you because I knew that it would hurt even more when the inevitable happened, and I didn’t want to put myself through that again. I couldn’t lose another kid if I didn’t have one, right? But you were… you were you, and how could I not love you? Even though I knew it would hurt.” Bobby squeezes Buck’s knee, and Buck - listen, Buck knows that Bobby sees him as a son, because Buck sees Bobby as a father. Heck, he knows that Bobby loves him more than his own father does - and that feeling is 100% reciprocated on Buck’s part too. So hearing Bobby talk like this, when he’s already been dragged through the emotional ringer today… well, if his eyes are a little misty then sue him.

“But then you changed. All of a sudden, you became this man who was responsible and reliable and dependable. And at first I didn’t know how to deal with that shift. But now you’re holding yourself with more self-assurance, you smile more and you look before you leap. You’re not that reckless kid who walked into my firehouse and reminded me what it was to be a father again. And you’re not that heartbroken man who risked getting shot by a sniper to save that crane worker after Eddie’s incident. And that’s because you got a reminder all of your own.” Buck isn’t even misty anymore, he’s just straight up crying. How dare Bobby assault him with all these feelings when he’s already vulnerable.

“I see you with Christopher and my heart just bursts with pride at the father you’ve become. I see the work you’re doing on yourself, for yourself, and I can’t believe how much you’ve grown. I want you to know that I know how hard it was for you earlier when you turned around and didn’t see Eddie behind you.” Buck drops his head but Bobby shifts, grabbing the back of his neck and forcing eye contact. “I know what it cost you to not run blindly back into that building after him. You have a responsibility now, not only to Eddie, the team or Christopher, but to yourself. You have come so far, and I’m so proud of you. I just wanted you to know that.”

Buck sniffles, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes before resting them on Bobby’s wrists that still cradle his neck.

“Jesus Bobby, you can’t just say shit like that to me when I’m already a wreck it’s not fair!” He hiccups as Bobby laughs and ruffles his hair. Buck leans into the touch before pulling the older man into a bone-crushing hug, pouring all the words he can never say into it.

“I’m really fucking mad at him.” Buck breathes later, once he’s managed to contain himself again. He feels Bobby nod from next to him.

“I know, kid. And you’ve every right to be. But just remember that however you’re feeling, he’s probably felt it about you as well. And you’ll feel it again in the future too. That’s the problem with loving heroes - too much self-sacrifice and not enough self-preservation.” Buck snorts, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall.

“That should be this squad’s tagline.” He mutters, smiling at the sound of Bobby’s light laugh of agreement.

“Captain Nash? Mr Buckley?” Buck almost falls out of his chair a little while later at the sound of Eddie’s doctor entering the waiting room. Both Buck and Bobby stand - all of a sudden, Buck feels nauseous.

“Mr Diaz is absolutely fine.” Buck blows out a huge breath, his shoulders lightening for the first time in hours. “He was incredibly lucky considering an entire building fell down on him - no concussion, no broken bones. He has some bruising on his ribs, but nothing to be concerned about. He just has to rest for the next two weeks and he’ll be ready for duty again. We re-dressed the bandage on his right arm but the gash didn’t require any stitches so that should heal nicely on its own. Other than that, somehow, he is right as rain and can go home just as soon as we finish his paperwork.” She beams at the relieved faces in front of her.

“Thanks doc, really.” Buck shakes her hand and she blushes before nodding and walking off. Bobby claps Buck on the shoulder.

“Shall we go see your boy then?” He asks. Buck pauses and then shakes his head.

“You go - I’ll be there in a bit. I’m just gonna, uh… find Hen and Chim and let them know, and call Abuela about keeping Chris overnight. And… yeah, I’ll be there soon.” Bobby raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything, just nods and walks in the direction of Eddie’s room.

Buck pulls his head back, looking up at the ceiling as he runs through Dr Copeland’s breathing techniques to try and calm himself. Just a little bit longer, he tells himself, shaking his hands and feet as if getting ready to run a marathon.

He calls Abuela first, let’s her know the update from the doctor and asks if she can keep Chris overnight. She shouts at him for even having the nerve to ask - as if she would ever say no to having her favorite great-grandchild stay. She tells him to look after their boy before passing the phone over to Chris. They switch to FaceTime so that they can see each other - Buck almost thinks Chris needs it as much as he does.

“Hey kiddo.” Buck says softly.

“Is he okay?” Chris asks, his voice stiff with worry. Buck nods emphatically.

“Oh buddy, he is better than okay. Your dad? Literally the strongest man on the planet.” Chris’ face lights up into a watery smile. “He’s even coming home tonight, they don’t even need to keep him at the hospital, that’s how okay he is.” Chris positively beams at that, and Buck’s heart aches for this kid who has gone through so much. “Hey, how about I get you from your Abuela’s in the morning and you play hookie? I’ll call the school, tell them what happened and you can stay home with me and your dad all day.”

Chris cheers enthusiastically. “We can look after him together.” He says, wiggling with excitement. Buck can’t help the grin on his face.

“Yeah buddy, we’ll nurse him back to health in no time.” Buck responds warmly.

“I’m glad you’re there with him, Buck.” Chris whispers, and if his heart was aching before, it positively shatters now.

“There’s nowhere else I would be, Chris.” He says sincerely, although he feels the tug in his chest at the fact he hasn’t even seen Eddie with his own eyes yet.

“I know. I love you, Buck. Tell dad I love him and I’ll see you tomorrow and we can watch more Star Wars.” Buck laughs, promising to pass on the message before blowing the kid a kiss and signing off.

He wanders to the paediatric ward next, still avoiding heading to Eddie’s room. He finds Hen and Chim almost immediately, letting them know that Eddie is fine and being discharged soon.

“How’s the little girl doing?” He asks, knowing that Eddie has probably been driving everyone crazy trying to find out. Hen smiles and points to one of the rooms; through the window, Buck can see the girl sleeping peacefully in bed, two people by her side who he assumes are her parents, both a little singed around the edges but otherwise looking incredibly grateful to be together.

“Her name is Maria and she’s doing great.” Hen beams. “She’d inhaled a little too much smoke for the doctors liking, and she was looking a little thin just like the rest of the people we saved so they’re keeping her for observation, but thanks to the hero of the hour she’ll be going home with her family tomorrow.” Buck blows out a breath and smiles, his first real one since they entered that damn building.

“Good, that’s… Eddie will be happy.” He murmurs. Hen squeezes his arm lightly to get his attention back, smiling softly.

“Let’s get Eddie and get out of here. It’s been a long day.” She nudges him forward, a silent request for him to lead the way. He acquiesces, residual anger and terror bubbling back up to the surface. Speaking to Chris and seeing Maria had soothed it temporarily, but he can feel it with every step he takes that brings him closer to Eddie.

When they arrive, Eddie is tugging his shirt back over his head - Buck doesn’t miss the wince as it pulls at his ribs before covering the white wrapping. His hair is sticking up in all sorts of directions, still coated with dust. Buck lingers behind his team in the doorframe and studies the linoleum floor with more interest than it deserves.

“Dude, you look like shit.” Chim laughs, a valiant attempt at lightening the mood. Eddie’s head shoots up and he rolls his eyes, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“I’d like to see you look better after a building falls on you, buddy.” He cracks back, eyes crinkling with humour.

“Hey, no more fallen buildings please folks.” Eddie‘s doctor enters the room, sliding past Buck with a smile. “Your paperwork is all set, Mr Diaz, so you’re free to go. No heavy lifting or driving for 2 weeks - I don’t want those ribs to go from bruised to broken, thank you.” She directs sternly, Eddie rubbing the back of his neck as he rolls his eyes sheepishly.

“Alright, get out of here. I’ll see you for a check-up in a month, Mr Diaz.” They all thank her as she leaves, an awkward silence settling in her wake as Buck and Eddie continue to avoid each other’s gaze. Chim swings his arms before clapping his hands together.

“Right, well… I guess we head back to the station then.” He says, and after a moment of no-one speaking, Hen sighs and walks out the room, leaving them all to trudge to the rig after her.

The drive back to the station is quiet. Buck keeps his eyes firmly out the window, watching the scenery pass by as he tries to sort through his thoughts and calm his frantic heart.

He knows his anger is just fear - knows that a year ago, he’d have done the exact same thing. The team called it “doing a Buck” for a reason, after all. And their job is dangerous; every day could be their last, every call fraught with risk. Saving lives is what they do, it’s why they do the job in the first place. But Buck knew that he could do the job because of one thing; Eddie has his back, and he has Eddie’s. It’s a fact he knows in his bones, something that he sorely missed when Eddie was at dispatch. But today -

“Alright squad, dispatch are standing us down for the rest of the night.” Bobby calls over the headsets, interrupting Buck’s thoughts. “I want you all to go home, hug your loved ones and rest up before the next shift.” They all nod gratefully, the toll of the day seeping into everyone’s bones as the adrenaline finally wears away. The rest of the trip is blessedly short and silent, and as they all jump out the entire team take turns hugging Eddie gently before splitting off to get their belongings, leaving Eddie and Buck alone for the first time.

“Buck-” Eddie begins, but Buck swiftly cuts him off, his gaze fixing on the ambulance ust behind Eddie instead of right at him.

“Go wait in the truck; I’ll grab our stuff and drive you back.” He instructs tonelessly before spinning without waiting for a response. He gets to the locker room, pulling his things out his locker before turning to the storage next to his and grasping Eddie’s stuff too. He closes his eyes briefly, leaning his forehead against the cool metal and taking a deep breath, trying to dissipate the image of the ceiling falling in on Eddie before he straightens up, shaking his head and squaring his shoulders. He can do this.

“Did you speak to Chris?” Eddie asks when Buck slides into the driver's seat. Buck nods as he turns the car on.

“He’s at Abuela’s for the night - I said he could skip school tomorrow to stay home with you.” Buck says tightly. Eddie murmurs his thanks, but Buck just nods as he pulls away from the hospital, unable to say anything else at the moment.

Eddie doesn’t try to engage Buck again, clearly understanding that he needs some space to think. Truth is, Buck can’t think straight at all, not with that image burned into his retinas. It’s all he can do to obey the laws of the road and get them back to Eddie’s safely with no further incidents - the last thing they need is to take another trip to the emergency room today.

*

Buck jumps out the car as soon as it’s in park and storms up to the house. Eddie sits in the car for a few more seconds, trying to breathe.

Eddie has never seen Buck this angry before. He’s seen him terrified, and sad, and elated, but the way he was white-knuckling the steering wheel on the way home… Eddie knew he was in for it as soon as that door closed. It got his hackles up - feeling defensive, he slides out the car and into the house, slamming the door behind him.

If Buck wanted a fight, Eddie was more than happy to oblige. After all, he’d never been very good at denying Buck.

“Okay, so you’re pissed.” Eddie states, which, okay, isn’t the best opener. Buck spins around, incredulous.

“Are you kidding me, Eddie?” Buck chokes out. “Of course I’m pissed! You completely disregarded an evac order - something we were expressly told not to do just before going in! You almost died! Again!” Eddie immediately rolls his eyes.

“Oh come on, Buck, are you serious right now? You literally never listen to evac orders! We’ve had to come and save your ass because of it so many times! I do this one thing - to save a little girl, might I add - and all of a sudden you’re pissed at me?! Sounds a bit hypocritical if you ask me.” Eddie spits. Buck flushes angrily.

“We’re meant to have each other’s backs out there, right? That’s what this whole fucking partnership was built on. But you didn’t let me have your back today, Eddie - you stayed in that building without calling for backup when you’d been told to get out. I wasn’t your partner - I was a bystander.” Eddie can feel Buck’s pain, knows that he’s hurt him, but he can’t seem to stop himself, his anger and guilt bubbling over.

“So you’re mad because I made a decision to save a girl without you? You’re angry because you didn’t get any of the glory, is that it? The fact that I got the save and not you.” Buck’s mouth drops open incredulously.

“Is that what you really think of me, Eddie?” no, no it’s not why is this happening? “I don’t give a shit about glory, you know that! What I do give a shit about is realising that you’re not behind me anymore, and that I can’t follow you because I’m already out and I don’t want Chris to lose both of us in one night!” Eddie’s blood runs cold. “Did you even think of what it would do to us if we lost you? What it would do to me? I love Christopher with everything I have, but I don’t want to raise him alone.” Buck almost sobs as the last word is ripped from him. Eddie is frozen to the spot with guilt. “You made me his guardian without consulting me, you told me I wasn’t expendable because of it. I have pulled back on daring rescues and throwing myself into danger because I want to do this with you, but all you seem to be doing is the complete opposite!”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Eddie splutters. He knows Buck has him but he can’t seem to just stop, to apologise. That damn Diaz pride and stubbornness is rearing its ugly head once more, and Eddie is powerless to stop as it all but consumes him. “I’m not being reckless, I was just doing my damn job - doing something you’ve done a thousand times! Why are you so mad? It’s honestly exhausting.” The word spills out before Eddie can register it; sees it slap Buck across the face. Eddie reaches forward as Buck’s body jerks from the impact, but aborts the movement. “No, Buck, I-” he begins, but Buck just shakes his head, closing his eyes momentarily as if steeling himself.

“Fuck you, Eddie.” Buck murmurs, hands shaking as he fumbles in his pocket.

“Buck, please, I didn’t-” he tried again, the horor crawling up his throat, strangling him. He can’t breathe as Buck raises a hand, still not making eye contact with him as he turns to the door.

“Yeah, you did.” Buck says, his voice absolutely wrecked. Eddie lets him go, slumping to the floor when the front door slams in his wake, his ribs screaming at him in pain. He sits in the devastation he’s caused, distantly surprised that his kitchen doesn’t reflect the total annihilation of the best thing that’s ever happened to Eddie.

When he finally gets up to lock the front door, Eddie notices the swear jar just off to the side, where it had been dumped in the blissful chaos of the morning. His heart lurches as he realises what Buck had been fiddling in his pockets for just before he left - he’d shoved two crisp $20 bills into the top, taking their total over the line, ready for Chris to pick out a new toy.

Eddie cries himself to sleep for the first time since Shannon.

Chapter Text

“I don’t think he’s coming, Doc.” Eddie wipes his sweaty palms on his trousers, careful not to pull on his ribs as he tries to settle under Dr Sandri’s patient gaze.

“Why do you think that, Eddie?” She asks, glancing at the clock on the wall. “Your session only officially started 4 minutes ago - maybe there was traffic?” A completely valid suggestion, or it would be, except -

“Buck is the type of person who thinks 15 minutes early is late.” He sighs, running a hand over his face. “If he was coming, he’d be here by now.”

“Evan doesn’t seem the type to miss a session without a good reason.” Dr Sandri presses.

“No, well, he does have a good reason.” Eddie huffs a mirthless laugh. “The reason is that I’m an ass.” Dr Sandri frowns, shifting in her seat.

“What makes you say that, Eddie?” Fantastic. Another solo therapy session - exactly what he wanted after his gruelling 2 hour battle with Frank yesterday about The Incident. Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Buck isn’t speaking to me right now.” He admits grudgingly. “We had an argument after my accident at work the other day - I said… I said some really shitty things.” He swallows roughly, the after taste of those words still so bitter on his tongue days after their attack.

It had been five days since Eddie’s blow up. He’d woken up the following morning with his head aching and his ribs screaming - neither hurt as much as the burning memory of his awful argument with Buck. Buck’s devastated face was burned into his retinas.

He had put that look on Buck’s face. The knowledge made him want to vomit.

He’d be lucky if Buck forgave him. Lord knows Eddie won’t forgive himself.

He’d dragged himself from bed, his ribs screaming as he tried to stretch out his aches and failed miserably, before he shuffled down the corridor to put some coffee on. He’d thought about needing to call his abuela, see if she could maybe bring Christopher over in an Uber, when -

“Daddy!” Christopher screeched from his seat at the table, wiggling with excitement. Eddie smiled automatically, the fizzing in his veins soothed at the sight of his son. He dropped a kiss on his curls, wincing slightly as Chris wrapped his arms around his waist and squeezed tightly.

“What are - how did you -.” Eddie stuttered.

“I told you I’d bring him over this morning.” Eddie’s second shock of the morning set his entire body alight as Buck entered the room, a soft smile on his face even as his shoulders bunched around his ears, tension in their lines.

“We’re going to have a sofa day; watch movies, eat ice cream and not move all day!” Chris chirped excitedly - Buck laughed, but it sounded flat to Eddie.

“Okay kiddo, I think I said that your dad was going to sit on the sofa and we were going to take care of him. I definitely remember you saying you’d help me clean the house, and you still have that world history paper to write before you go back to school tomorrow.” Chris groaned dramatically and threw himself backwards into Eddie’s chest.

“But Buck!” He whined, until Eddie poked his sides.

“Hey now, listen to Buck. He’s in charge while I heal up.” Eddie murmured quietly in Chris’ ear. Chris sighed and hauled himself into a standing position, dropping a hand on Eddie’s shoulder.

“I always listen to Buck, Dad. I was just joking. You’re the one who doesn’t listen.” Chris laughed, not noticing the chill that blanketed the room as Buck turned back into the kitchen.

“Ain’t that the truth,” Eddie heard Buck mutter. “Come on Chris, let’s make your dad some food and then we can get started on that history paper.”

And that was how the last few days had gone. Buck had left as soon as Chris was asleep, never looking Eddie in the eyes or addressing him directly. Everything Buck said or did was through Christopher, who noticed the shift but miraculously didn’t call either of them out on it. Buck would arrive in the morning, take Chris to school after leaving Eddie something to heat up for lunch, return with him in the afternoon, make dinner, tidy up, supervise homework and monitor Eddie’s painkiller intake, tuck Chris in and then leave.

Eddie had tried everything - he’d begged Buck to stay while he said goodnight to Chris; when he’d come out, the house was empty. He’d called, texted, voicenoted… nothing. Buck had told him it was fine, but Eddie could feel the freeze out slowly taking over his entire body. Buck was pulling away, and it was tearing Eddie apart.

“So you see, Doc,” Eddie sighs, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “Buck is done with me. And I don’t blame him. The things I said… they were unforgivable.”

“Eddie,” Dr Sandri leans forward, her forearms resting on her thighs, hands clasped together. “I like to think I know you both pretty well by now. And I don’t think what you said is unforgivable for Evan.” Eddie opens his mouth; Dr Sandri raises her hand. “He will need time, and space, and a lot of grovelling on your part, I am sure.” She smiles and raises an eyebrow. “But I do believe that he will forgive you.” She pauses for a moment, piercing him with a knowing gaze. “The question is; will you forgive yourself?”

Eddie’s mind short-circuits for a second; before it can reboot to formulate an answer, Buck is bursting through the door, red in the face and breathing like he’s just run a marathon.

“Sorry, I’m so sorry I’m late, Dr Sandri.” He still doesn’t look at Eddie, but falls into the space next to him on the sofa, rubbing his palms on his jeans - Eddie notices they’re covered in grim. “There was an accident on the freeway, and I stopped to help until the paramedics arrived but then I couldn’t get out until they cleared it- anyway, sorry.” He apologises, as if being a damn hero on his day off is something to apologise for anyway.

“That’s quite alright, Evan.” Dr Sandri smiles indulgently at him. Eddie notices her notice the gap between them, sees her eyes flicker between the two of them before she straightens up.

“Eddie was just telling me about your argument the other day.” She says baldly, as if they’d been talking about the weather and not Eddie blowing up the best thing he’s ever had. “He didn’t think you were coming because of it.”

“Traitor.” He mumbles under his breath even as he feels Buck stiffen.

“No, I - this is important. Of course I came, why would you think that?” Buck asks the question in Eddie’s vague direction, still studiously avoiding eye contact - that’s what does it for Eddie.

“Oh, I don’t know, Buck,” Eddie starts acidicly. He hears Dr Sandri sigh. “Maybe it’s the fact that you’ve not looked at me for five days, other than to check I’m healing correctly. Maybe it’s because I’ve tried to talk to you, to apologise to you, and all you say is “it’s fine” when we both know it’s not.” He can feel his eyes welling up, and his ribs are protesting at his rapid breathing, but he can’t help himself. “Maybe it’s because you can’t stand to be alone with me in a room for more than five seconds, or that you won’t talk to me directly without it being via Chris.” He pauses, draws a breath, turns so his whole body is facing Buck; Buck, whose head is down and hands are shaking but he still won’t look at Eddie. “Maybe that’s why I thought you’d decided to give up on this. On me.” It’s quiet, it’s broken, it’s too raw. Eddie doesn’t think he can do this right now, so he stands up.

“Eddie, please sit down.” Dr Sandri asks, her eyes sad. Eddie shakes his head.

“I - I’m not leaving. I just need some air. I’ll be back in a bit.” He walks to the door, waiting, hoping for Buck to call him back. He doesn’t.

“The answer to your question, Doc?” Eddie says as he pulls the door open. “No, I won’t.”

*

Buck drops like his strings have just been cut when the door closes behind Eddie. He buries his head in his hands, unable to hold back the tears he’s felt building for days now.

“So,” Dr Sandri begins, “what’s new with you, Evan?” Buck huffs a laugh, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand.

“Oh, not much, y’know.” He replies, leaning back against the couch as a massive sigh is ripped from his body.

It’s been a rough few days, and Eddie is right - Buck can barely stand to look at him still. It’s like staring directly at the sun, with the image of Eddie falling under the crumble of a building joining the image of Eddie falling onto the asphalt, bleeding out and reaching for Buck. The two images replay on a loop in Buck’s head until he can barely think straight. Looking at Eddie is the word ‘exhausting’ smacking him in the face and pairing with every time anyone has ever told him that he’s too loud or too much or takes up too much space.

And Buck has spoken with Dr Copeland - he called her the day after Eddie’s accident for an emergency meeting, spilled everything. They worked through his issues with that word, Dr Copeland reminding him of his self-worth and all the work that he’s done to get himself to a place where his first assumption isn’t that he is a nuisance to the people who love him.

The thing is, Buck isn’t as upset about the ‘exhausting’ comment as he is at the fact that Eddie seems to be throwing himself into reckless situations without thinking about how Buck - well, how the people around him - will feel about it. It’s becoming a problem, one that Buck thought would cease to exist with the place that they’re heading to, but. Here they are.

Before Buck has a chance to say anything else, Eddie comes back inside, heading straight for the open spot next to Buck. He grabs Buck’s knee, holding tight even as Buck looks away.

“Listen, Evan. I’m sorry. I was an idiot. I knew saying that to you would hurt and I did it anyway, which was vindictive and awful of me and I didn’t mean it, you know that, right? I was just lashing out and mad at you and myself and that damn building… I’m sorry.” It all comes out in a rush, and Buck knows that Eddie didn’t mean to hurt him, and he knows that Eddie was lashing out… he knows all of it. That isn’t the issue, though.

“Yes, you said a shitty thing. You said a lot of shitty things, but I know you didn’t mean any of them. I know that.” Buck finally looks at Eddie, his heart almost bursting at the sincerity staring back at him. “That isn’t why I’m mad at you, Eddie.”

“Then, what-”

“What do you remember of the day you got shot, Ed’s?” Buck asks. Eddie leans back, his hands slipping off Buck’s knees in shock. They don’t talk about the shooting - it was one of the main reasons they’re even in therapy, and yet they still haven’t gotten around to it.

“Buck, I don’t want to talk about that right now, I need you to forgive me for what I said. Please.” He sounds desperate, but Buck shakes his head.

“Eddie, maybe this is Buck’s way of working through everything. Can you answer Buck’s question? What do you remember from the day of the shooting?” Dr Sandri interrupts. Buck feels a sudden rush of gratuity toward her for understanding that there is a bigger picture here.

Buck hears Eddie swallow before steeling himself.

“Okay, I mean - I remember going to Charlie’s, helping him out. I remember heading outside and deciding to follow the ambulance, and looking at Buck.” He pauses - Buck can see it all playing out in front of him, can see the shock on Eddie’s face, can see him falling to the ground. He balls up his fists, nails digging into his palms to keep himself grounded. “And then - I remember Buck’s face first. Then, uh. Blinding pain. I remember thinking ‘not again’. And then I was on the ground, and Buck was on the ground, and I thought- ” he swallows before carrying on. “I thought that if I could just reach him, then he’d be safe.” His voice is hoarse. “Then I think I blacked out. I don’t remember the ambulance ride, or getting to the hospital at all. I just… woke up.”

Buck is almost blinded by jealousy for a second - he would do anything to not remember every millisecond of that day. The guilt swoops in a moment later, and leaves him breathless.

Dr Sandri is writing some notes, but Buck can feel her heavy gaze piercing him.

“And you, Evan?” She says softly, gently, as if talking to a child. “What do you remember from that day?”

“Everything.” He whispers. “I see it all the time.” Buck tells him, watching Eddie’s expression fall into pure pain. He looks at Dr Sandri and draws a sharp breath.

“The shooting was the worst moment of my life, and that takes some beating.” He pushes away memories of bleeding through the streets of Los Angeles, screaming himself hoarse for Chris - pushes away the feeling of mud under his nails, of concrete under his palms as he claws his way through the ground, through a building, to bury himself with Eddie. “The whole thing is crystal clear in my mind. Sometimes we’ll be on a call and we’ll be talking and I’ll see him just crumble to the ground. Or we’ll go to a baseball game with Chris and Eddie’ll be cheering, but all I can hear are his screams from when I dragged him under the fire truck. I look in the mirror and I can see his blood on my face, my hands, and I scrub until they’re red raw, and I’ll drink a whole bottle of mouthwash and still taste iron on my tongue.”

Buck turns back to Eddie, only realising he’s crying when he notices the matching tracks down Eddie’s cheeks. “Do you remember what you said to me after your breakdown? About pulling your friends out of the war, but not really saving them?” Eddie looks taken aback by the new change in topic, but nods anyway. “When I got that call from Chris… I felt the same way. I knocked on your door, and heard nothing, and thought ‘he’s dead, and it’s all your fault’.” Eddie is shaking his head, but Buck carries on. “I pulled you out of the road that day, and instead of helping you through it I let my own issues get in the way. I pulled you out but I didn’t save you. It haunts me every day.”

Eddie is looking at Buck as if he’s been ripped apart, and Buck knows the feeling. Slowly - so slowly - Eddie reaches his hand to rest on Buck’s cheek, wiping away the tears that cover his face, his thumb running over Buck’s cheekbone. Buck shudders again.

“Evan.” Eddie starts quietly, in the same voice he used when he told him that he’d put him down as Christopher’s guardian. Buck shakes his head, dislodging Eddie’s fingers.

“You told me that I’m not expendable. You sat there and said that Chris needed me; that I am his father. And you’ll never know how much that means to me.” Buck wipes away his own tears this time, fury stampeding through his veins. “But you seem to have forgotten that you’re not expendable either. Not to Chris, and certainly not to me. The shooting, the kidnapping, the rescue the other day… every time I turn around I have to see you get hurt again and again and again and I can’t do it anymore, Eddie. Because soon, I’m going to turn around and you will be gone, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to carry on without you. Every time I close my eyes, it's a compilation of your greatest hits and sometimes I forget how to breathe.”

Buck has to stand, can’t be seated any longer. He begins pacing, five steps in one direction then five in the other. He can see Dr Sandri watching him, her pen down for the first time he can remember.

“You’re back with the 118, and honestly Eddie, I feel complete again. I’m so happy you’re back home with us that I feel like I’m going to burst. But you told me I wasn’t expendable, so I stopped taking unnecessary risks. But you haven’t, and it scares me every time the bell goes off that this is it - this is when your luck runs out.” He comes to a halt in front of Eddie, who is frozen in his seat, his lips slightly parted in shock. Buck takes a deep breath.

“I’m mad at you because I’m terrified one day, you’re going to take another risk that you won’t bounce back from, one that I can’t have your back on, and I’m going to have to watch the man I love die.”

The room falls into a deathly silence, the ticking of the clock on the wall the only sound. Buck heaves another sigh, shaking his head as Eddie tears backwards like he’s been slapped.

“That’s why I’m mad at you. And that’s why I need more time before I forgive you.” Buck whispers, before spinning on his heel and walking out of the room, leaving the wake of his confession smouldering behind him.

Chapter Text

Buck loved him.

It had been two days since their confrontation in the therapy room. Since Buck had eviscerated Eddie, dropped a bombshell, and walked out of their session. And listen - it wasn’t that much of a bombshell. Eddie had known that Buck loved him for a while, felt in every grocery shop, every late night call to banish nightmares, every time Buck checked over his harness before a rescue. He felt in every shoulder squeeze, every press of their legs, every warm glance.

It’s one thing knowing that, and another thing to hear the man say it.

They’ve been careening towards this moment since “you can have my back any day”, but. It was never meant to be this way.

Because that wasn’t a romantic love declaration.

It was a heartbreaking confession borne out of Buck’s fear and Eddie’s own stupidity.

No, that wasn’t how it was meant to go at all.

Eddie heaves a sigh as he stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. The cut on his forehead has healed over nicely (Hen doesn’t even think it’ll scar), but otherwise he looks terrible - bags under his eyes, his skin pallid and worn. He looks at least 20 years older than he is, which makes sense because his very bones feel heavy like they’re made out of lead and all of his mistakes. He grips the edges of the sink until his knuckles go white, scrunching his eyes up tight and hoping, wishing, praying, that he can fix everything between Buck and himself before it’s too late.

When he opens his eyes, everything is the same.

Eddie sighs again and gets to work. He doesn’t have time to mope - it’s Christopher’s birthday today, and he has a Day of Fun planned for the pre-teen.

Eddie slowly opens the door to Christopher’s bedroom, careful to not let it get to that particular angle where the hinges creak. Despite being newly 12, Eddie’s heart aches at the innocent picture Christopher paints when he’s asleep. Eddie can’t believe that it’s been 12 years since he first held his son in his arms. He’d never felt so much fear and love all at once until he’d first laid eyes on his little boy. Eddie has had enough therapy now to be at a point where he can feel immense pride at himself for raising this boy - the fact Christopher is kind and smart and funny and the only thing Eddie has done right in his life.

Eddie bends down next to Chris’ bed, brushing his hand through his curls and smiling at the way his son scrunches his nose up almost exactly like Eddie knows he does on occasion.

“Wake up, birthday boy.” Eddie whispers, pressing a kiss to Chris’ forehead. Chris giggles even as he squirms away from the contact, burrowing under his covers for protection.

“Ew, Dad, go away, I'm sleeping.” Chris protests. Eddie chuckles as he rises, turning to leave the room.

“Okay, guess I’ll send your presents back then if you want to sleep away your birthday.” He teases, waltzing out the door even as Chris yelps in protest.

“No! Wait! I’m up!” He yells after Eddie, who laughs again and heads into the kitchen -

Where Buck is currently plating up Chris’ favourite breakfast - blueberry pancakes with whipped cream and strawberries on top, a red party hat perched crookedly on his head. He glances up at Eddie with a tight smile on his face, nodding once in response to a question Eddie didn’t even need to ask, before coming around the island to put all three plates on their settings.

Despite all the shit the two of them are going through at the moment, Buck still showed up at the crack of dawn this morning, hands filled with groceries and party gear. The two of them had decorated the kitchen and living room with streamers and balloons in total silence, before Buck made a start on breakfast and Eddie went to have a miniature breakdown in the bathroom.

Now, Eddie swipes his own blue party hat from his seat at the table, shoving it haphazardly on his head as Buck’s smile morphs into a real one at the sound of Chris’ crutches clacking on the hardwood flooring as he enters the room.

“Happy birthday!” Buck and Eddie chime at the same time, moving as if practiced to squeeze Chris from either side. Eddie’s skin is on fire where their arms are touching, and Buck is purposefully not making eye contact with him, but for the first time in over a week Eddie feels like the ground under his feet is solid.

This is exactly where he’s supposed to be.

Chris huffs, but clumsily winds an arm around both of them anyway, indulging them in this little family hug. Eddie’s not an idiot - he knows Chris has picked up on the weirdness between the two of them since Eddie’s accident. He hasn’t said a word to Eddie about it; instead, Eddie catches him watching him with concern sometimes. It breaks his heart to know he can’t keep this from Chris as his son gets older and more attuned with the atmosphere around him.

They shuffle over as a unit to the table before breaking apart into the respective seats, Buck planting a wet kiss to Chris’ cheek that has the kid screaming with laughter even as he wipes his cheek and declares Buck “gross”. Buck grasps his chest dramatically and gasps.

“You wound me, kid! I am not gross!” Buck protests, swiping the syrup just out of Chris’ reach, much to the birthday boy’s shock.

“I once saw you eat a churro off the ground at abuela’s cookout.” Eddie mutters, bravely angling an eyebrow at Buck in a desperate attempt to act normal. Buck stiffens infinitesimally - only noticeable to Eddie because he may as well have a masters in Buck at this point - before he angles his fork at Eddie and narrows his eyes in a playful manner.

“That was one time, it was the last churro and it only had a tiny bit of dirt on it, which actually added to the flavor, I’ll have you know.” He responds haughtily, taking a large bite of his pancake to punctuate his point. Chris giggles again as he tucks in to his own pancakes.

“See Buck - that’s gross.” Chris says with a laugh.

“No kid - that’s making sure nothing goes to waste. I was doing my civic duty.” Buck responds with a wink.

Eddie’s entire body hums with how right this all feels. Maybe everything isn’t as broken as he thought.

*

Breakfast is followed by a round of present opening, which is successful if Christopher’s squeals of excitement are anything to go by. Eddie has to physically stop him from running into his room to start up his new video game, reminding him that it’s time to get ready for their big day, which has him speeding into his room for a whole new reason, leaving a chasm of silence behind him. Eddie clears his throat, rubbing his suddenly sweaty palms on his pants before he stands up. Buck is clearing away the wrapping paper, pointedly not looking in Eddie’s direction.

“I’m going to, uh, take a shower and get ready.” Eddie says softly. Buck doesn’t falter in his clearing, just nods to signal that he’s heard him. Eddie sighs and retreats, all the warmth of the morning sapped from his body.

He quickly showers before dressing in a soft burgundy Henley and black jeans, opting to forgo styling his hair to leave it falling into his eyes a little. He ignores the part of him that whispered that’s exactly how Buck likes his hair, and isn’t that the shirt that made Buck speechless the first time he saw Eddie in it?

Eddie shakes his head, dislodging his thoughts as he leaves his room, but comes to a stop just before he reaches Chris’ room as he hears the voices of his two favourite people whispering away.

“… sad, and you’re sad, and you’re both pretending not to be, which makes it even more obvious.” Chris says, his voice glum.

“Oh buddy.” A shift of the bed - Eddie pictures Buck taking a seat next to Chris, resting his forearms on his thighs. “Things between your dad and I… they’re complicated at the moment. But we love you, and want you to have the best birthday ever.” There’s silence when Buck finishes, and Eddie holds his breath.

“I just… what if you don’t make up? Are you going to leave?” Chris’ voice is small, and it breaks Eddie’s heart. The bed shifts again, and Eddie thinks Buck has probably thrown an arm around the boy.

“I’m not going anywhere, Chris.” Buck’s voice is firm. “I love you, and your dad, and nothing will ever change that, okay?” Eddie closes his eyes in relief.

“But Mom… Mom and Dad were fighting all the time, and then she left. She loved me, and Dad, and she left anyway. I don’t want you to go as well.” Oh, Chris. Eddie hears the bed shift a third time, and the floorboards creak.

“Chris, buddy? Look at me.” Buck’s voice is quiet now, and Eddie imagines him crouched down in front of their son. “I’m going to tell you something, because you’re twelve now and I know that you are old enough to understand these things a little better, okay?” He pauses, probably to let Chris nod, before continuing. “I’m mad at your dad at the moment, because I’m worried about him and I’m scared that he’s going to get hurt again.” Eddie stops breathing again, his heart in his throat.

“Is he… like before?” Chris asks, and Eddie feels a tear fall. Failure, that’s what he is - as a father, as a partner.

“No, buddy. He’s not. He’s going to be okay, because he’s got me, and he’s got you, right? And he’s going to therapy, and he’s doing the work.”

“So why are you mad at him?” Chris asks, and Buck blows out a breath.

“Because… sometimes, when you love someone so much and they do things that scare you, you get mad about it. Your dad reminded me of how I used to be, a little too reckless when saving people. And it scared me, because… well, because I love him, and I don’t want him to get hurt.”

“So how do you stop him from getting hurt?” Chris questions, and Buck lets out a dry laugh.

“Well, buddy, I’m working on it.” Buck responds. “Your dad didn’t let me have his back before, but when he comes back to work, he’s not going to have a choice because I won’t let him out of my sight.” Eddie wraps his arms around himself, trying to hold himself together.

“Even though you’re mad at him?” Chris asks.

“Chris, no matter how mad I am at your dad, I’m always going to love him more. Which means looking out for him, even when he won’t look out for himself.” Buck responds wryly, which makes Chris laugh for the first time.

“I don’t want you to be mad at him anymore, Buck.” Chris says, and Eddie almost laughs. “I want you to tell him you love him, so that we can be a proper family.” Eddie’s eyebrows fly somewhere into his hairline - his son's directness was going to kill him one day.

“Well kid, I, uh, we, I mean- ” And Eddie thinks Buck’s stuttering is the time to make himself known, so he plasters on a smile to cover the cracks in his sanity.

“Alright men, let the day of fun commence!” He chirps brightly, clapping his hands together as Buck almost topples over from his crouched position in surprise. Chris just grins brightly up at him.

“I’m ready, Dad!” He lifts himself up and grabs his crutches. They dutifully head outside, Chris leading the way down the drive. Eddie opens the door for him, and once seated, Chris turns to Buck with a too-sweet smile on his face.

“Buck, I forgot my backpack. Would you grab it for me please?” He asks nicely. Buck frowns, nonplussed, and nods.

“Sure bud, where is it?”

“I’m not sure - maybe in my room?” Chris responds, and Buck chuckles before nodding and jogging back indoors. Eddie leans against the car door frame, watching his son shrewdly.

“Out with it, kid.” He says - he knows his son too well, and also knows that Chris had prepacked his backpack last night and it was already sitting in the trunk of the car. Chris reaches out and pulls Eddie forward with his forearm.

“Are you okay, dad?” Chris asks, his little face serious. Eddie sighs.

“I’m getting there, Chris. I promise, I’m getting there.” Chris watches him intently, but after a moment he nods once, like he’s satisfied with what he sees in Eddie’s eyes.

“Make up with Buck, dad. Tell him you love him.” Chris lets Eddie’s forearm go, buckling himself into his seat. “That’s all I want for my birthday.” He finishes, a sweet smile on his face. Eddie huffs a laugh, ruffling his hair.

“Oh, so I should send all those other presents back then, huh?” His heart is thundering in his ears even as Chris squawks his indignation at his curls being missed up just as Buck runs back down the driveway.

“Chris, I couldn’t find your backpack buddy, are you sure you left it in your room?” He asks, a light flush on his face from where he’s undoubtedly ransacked the house trying to locate the bag. Eddie bites his bottom lips, eyebrows raised at Chris as his son puts on his most innocent smile - the one that gets him almost anything from both Buck and Eddie.

“Sorry Buck, I forgot I’d put it in the car yesterday ready!” He responds. Buck looks between Chris and Eddie, brow furrowing in suspicion.

“Uh-huh. Okay kid.” He says, rubbing the back of his neck as he climbs in the front seat. Eddie shakes his head and winks at his son as he shuts his door, and jogs around to the driver's seat. When he gets in, Buck is handing his phone to Chris with the aux cord already attached. As Chris painstakingly browses through the songs on Buck’s Spotify (he won’t let them drive anywhere until he has picked the first song at least), Eddie turns to find Buck already looking at him.

“Truce?” Eddie asks quietly, holding out his fist. Buck looks at his outstretched hand, biting his lip. Eddie’s heart is still thundering - he doesn’t know what he’ll do if Buck turns him down, how he’ll get through an entire day of this frosty atmosphere that has spread through their lives so quickly. Just when Eddie is about to drop his fist and resign himself to a day of awkwardness, Buck hits Eddie’s fist with his own.

“Truce.” He murmurs back, letting his fist drop. Eddie breathes a sigh of relief and positively beams at Buck, who snorts but can’t keep the smile off his face either, his cheeks flushed again for a whole other reason.

“Okay, I’m ready!” Chris chirps as the first few bars of Immigrant Song filters through the speakers (Chris was obsessed with the song after watching Thor: Ragnarok at a sleepover a few months ago). Buck woops with excitement as he and Chris start to ‘harmonise’ along. Eddie laughs, a warmth spreading through his chest as he puts the truck in reverse.

He had a list of things to do today:

1. Ensure his kid has the best birthday ever.

2. Make up with Buck.

3. Tell Buck he’s in love with him.

He smiles over at Buck in the seat next to him, glances in the mirror to see his son grinning right back at him. He nods along to the song as they head to their first stop of their Day of Fun.

Time to get to work.

Chapter Text

“Okay, take the next right and then we’re here.” Buck says, voice raised over the sound of the music blaring through the speakers, his eyes on his phone as the little blue arrow on his maps app follows the line to their destination. Eddie nods, still humming along off-key to the pop song, his fingers tapping against the wheel as he follows Buck’s instructions. Buck watches him, noting the small cut above Eddie’s eyebrow has fully healed, leaving only a faint pink line that will fade in a few days. He looks like hell - his skin sallow, bags dark and heavy under his eyes, three days worth of stubble dotting is jawline. Despite that though, his eyes are clearer, his shoulders relaxed and he has a smile on his face for the first time in… well. Buck aches to reach out to him, to thread his fingers through the hair that is curling at the base of Eddie’s neck, slightly longer than normal and still a little damp from his shower this morning. Buck loved it when Eddie leaves his hair natural - no product and a little long and curling, his resemblance to Chris more prominent than ever.

Buck shifts his hands so they are wedged under his thighs. Reminds himself that a truce doesn’t mean he can suddenly lose control of all his mental faculties.

“A mall?” Chris whines when they pull into a parking space. Eddie and Buck share knowing smirks.

“Come on, Chris,” Buck says, fully turning in his seat to look at the skeptical birthday boy. “When have we ever let you down, huh?”

Chris glances between the two of them, eyes narrowed, before sighing and nodding. Buck beams at the kid before jumping out the car, opening Chris’ door and gesturing with a flourish and a bow.

“We have reached the first first stop of your birthday extravaganza, my liege.” He puts on a terrible, haughty British accent that has Chris in fits of giggles as he exits.

Eddie meets them at the front of the car, a fond look on his face that has Buck’s stomach doing an entire Olympic gymnastic floor routine.

“Alright you two, let’s get a move on - we’ve got a tight schedule today and we can’t be late!” He falls into step beside Buck, the backs of their hands brushing as they head around the side of the mall towards a large glass entrance. When Chris notices the sign emblazoned above the door, he gasps.

“An escape room?! No way!” He whoops loudly, barrelling into Eddie’s side with joyous laughter. Eddie can’t help but laugh along, wrapping his arms around his son and squeezing back.

“Thanks for the hug, kid, but this was actually all Buck’s idea.” Eddie smiles over at Buck, who literally feels his heart grow three sizes at the sight, and is mildly surprised it hasn’t exploded right out of his chest by now. Chris lets go of his dad and lunges for Buck, who catches him easily and plants a kiss to his curls before the boy can complain.

“Let’s put those big brains of yours to the test!” Buck chirps, feeling Chris shake with laughter under his arm as they make their way through the glass doors.

Buck had done extensive research on the perfect escape room for Chris after the three of them had played copious amounts of Clue one night when the power had gone out of Eddie’s block. Chris had loved trying to solve the mysteries, and had been begging to go to an escape room for months after. Buck knew this one would be the cherry on top, because it wasn’t your average escape room; it was -

“Jurassic Park!” Chris shouts as they enter the foyer, coming face-to-face with the large poster advertising the dinosaur themed escape room experience Buck and Eddie had booked. “This is the coolest thing ever!” Buck chuckles, catching Eddie’s eye and sharing a grin.

“I’m glad to hear you say that!” A young girl says from behind the desk, a name tag with “Kasey” scrawled across it perched on her chest. “It’s my personal favourite out of the three rooms we have here. Just make sure you don’t get eaten by the t-rex.” She teases conspiratorially, winking at Chris.

Kasey explains the story behind the room, which turns Chris’s excitement from an 11 to somewhere around the 200 mark. Eddie has to rest a hand on his son's shoulder, as if he’s worried the boy might vibrate so much he levitates. Eventually, she leads them into the room, and Chris gasps at the details around him.

“See you in 60 minutes… hopefully!” She trills, laughing at Eddie’s expression as she leaves. The timer on the wall to the left of the door starts to tick down, and Chris begins to read the first clue aloud.

It takes them a respectable 52 minutes, with Buck and Chris unraveling most of the clues and Eddie carrying out their instructions. There were a few hairy moments (“Fuck! I put in the wrong code!” “Swear jar, Eds.” “You can shove the swear jar up your-” “Dad!”), but when the door eventually clicks open, the three of them fall out of the room laughing their heads off, Chris’ cheeks flush with adrenaline and triumph. Kasey turns to smile at them, clapping at their victory.

“Congrats team!” She says, endlessly peppy. “And you’re even more of a unit than when you went in - trust me, that’s rare.” She winks at them again, and Buck feels the warmth from his toes all the way up to his heart at what she must see when she looks at them.

“Well, Dad and Buck owe a lot of money to the swear jar now, but that’s okay - I brought it with me so I could buy something cool, and now I can just top it up and get something even cooler!” Chris grins as Eddie ruffles his hair, rolling his eyes. Kasey laughs and hands Chris a bunch of stickers that say “I escaped Jurassic World!”, surrounded by little dinosaurs.

“Well, I hope you and your dads have a great rest of your day - come see us again soon!” Kasey smiles and waves them out, turning to greet the next family. Chris waves back and heads to the door, talking Eddie’s ear off a mile a minute as he runs through a play-by-play of their last hour. Buck watches them go, struck dumb for a second at how neither Eddie nor Chris had a reaction to her words.

your dads

“Come on, Buck! I’m hungry!” Chris whines at the door. Chancing a glance at Eddie, Buck’s heart drops out of his ass at the soft smile that is directed at him - Eddie knows exactly what Buck is thinking, knows what it means and what it does to him. Buck has to physically bite his tongue to stop 3 words, 8 letters from pouring out of him.

“Sorry bud - let’s go.”

*

“This place is awesome!” Chris gasps as they walk into Galco’s Soda Shop 40 minutes later. Buck and Eddie share a grin over the birthday boy’s head.

“They have over 500 types of soda here, Chris, from all over the world!” Buck informs him, laughing as Chris’ jaw drops.

“And you get whatever you want, on the house!” A man rounds the corner, his arms out wide as he grins. “Anything for my favourite firefighters!” He comes to a stop in front of the trio.

Buck and Eddie had met John Nese three months ago when they were out on a call. The famous Galco’s Soda Shop had suffered a malfunction, and the whole back stock room was ablaze. The 118 managed to get the fire under control, but the damage had been done - half the store was destroyed, and their stock severely depleted. John had just been grateful that the store was still standing at all, wringing their hands and thanking them profusely.

When Buck had stopped by a week later to see how everything was going, he had been saddened to hear that the insurance company was refusing to pay out, and John was worried they’d have to close. Buck told Eddie, and the two of them, along with the rest of their team, got together to run a small fundraiser in the area. Buck had posted a link to the GoFundMe on his instagram, which had been reshared by Marjan onto hers, and within days they had surpassed their goal. John had been beside himself when they told him, and had insisted that they stop by when the store was rebuilt again.

“John, it’s good to see you again.” Eddie steps forward, shaking the older man’s hand.

“And the store looks great - like nothing ever happened!” Buck interjects, also getting a handshake.

“Thanks to your team we were able to rebuild her back to her original beauty!” John clasps Buck on the arm, nodding at Eddie in thanks before turning to Christopher, who is looking between the three men in confusion. “And you must be the birthday boy! Your father has told me all about you!” He shakes Chris’ hand as well, who smiles blindingly. “My name is John - welcome to my soda store! Any questions you have about any of the sodas you see, you let me know.”

“You know everything about all of these sodas?” Chris asks in awe.

“Of course! Every single one.” John says, puffing his chest out proudly.

“Even that one?” Chris throws out a haphazard hand, pointing at a random bottle on the nearest shelf. John lets out a belly laugh, gesturing Chris towards the shelves.

“That, my boy, is one of my favourites. It's called Almdudler Krauterlimonade, from Austria. You know, this one time…” Their voices drift as they wander up the aisle, away from Eddie and Buck.

“Okay, you catch up with the two of them, make sure John doesn’t let Chris get too much soda. We don’t want his teeth falling out.” Eddie jokes lightly. “I’ll grab us some food from the deli counter.” Buck nods gratefully, his stomach rumbling in response to the idea of food.

They end up being in the store for two hours, with John telling them an obscene amount of stories from his time owning the store in between greeting new customers and helping out behind the counter. Chris tries his hand at creating his own soda (he ultimately decides on pairing chocolate and cherry, which Eddie loves thanks to his ridiculous sweet tooth), and Buck scarfs down three pastrami on rye sandwiches before they end up leaving, John staunchly refusing Eddie’s money for the crate filled with soda that Chris had picked out to try (as well as a few imported beers Buck had snuck in, knowing that Eddie would love them).

They pile into the car, Chris chattering excitedly about all the facts he knows about sodas after his long conversations with John. Eddie shoots a fond smile at Buck as he starts the car.

“Okay kid. One last stop on your day of fun. Any guesses?” Eddie asks, glancing in the rear view mirror at his son as he pulls out of the parking lot. Buck turns to watch Chris scratch his chin thoughtfully.

“Is it somewhere I’ve been before?” He asks slowly.

“Yep.” Buck responds, with a wry smile on his face.

“Is it fun?” He carries on, and Buck rolls his eyes.

“You think we’d take you somewhere boring on your birthday?” He asks, raising an eyebrow at the kid, who laughs and shakes his head.

“Is it… Disneyland?” He asks, grinning. Eddie laughs from the drivers seat.

“Nice try kiddo, but no. We’re not going to Disney just for the evening, although if that’s something you want to do we can sort a day out soon.” Eddie says as Chris cheers.

“I want to go meet spider-man! And ride the millennium falcon!” He chirps. Buck nods along, agreeing.

“Okay, no more guesses for tonight then?” He prompts, and Chris furrows his brow.

“Let me think about it.” He requests, holding a finger up. Buck laughs and settles back into his seat, turning the volume up on the song playing on the radio and humming along.

It’s quiet for a while and Buck reflects on the day so far. It’s been perfect, like a real family day out. Exactly like he’d always dreamed of having. And yet there’s still so much left to be said between him and Eddie - Buck laid out exactly how he felt in therapy the other day, and although his anger over Eddie’s recklessness has dissipated, he’s still wary about what will happen when Eddie comes back to work next week.

He’d discussed the situation with Maddie over a glass of wine the night after his confrontation with Eddie. She’d questioned if seeing Eddie being so reckless had made him realise how everyone else had felt for years watching Buck put everyone else’s lives above his own. And if Eddie, worried about his position in the team after taking a break and eager to prove himself, had really been reckless, or if he was just doing his job saving the little girl.

Buck had thought about what he’d have done if the roles had been reversed, and he knew the answer - he’d have done the same. Of course he would have. It’s the job, and Buck knew better than anyone that this job is dangerous, and terrifying, and loving someone who constantly puts themselves in danger to save someone else is difficult - just ask Ali. He’d never really thought about how she must have felt until he saw that building fall on Eddie, who had willingly risked his life to save that little girl.

Buck loves Eddie. And unlike Ali, Buck knows that it’s worth the risk.

Besides, Buck will always be right there to save Eddie from himself, because he knows that Eddie will always do the same for him. They’re a team.

Now, they just need to act like it.

“I know that sign!” Chris shouts from the back seat, jolting Buck from his thoughts. “We’re going to the observatory!” He cheers, bouncing in his seat. Eddie and Buck both laugh.

“Well done buddy!” Buck praises, turning to give the boy a hi-five. “Let’s go see some planets!”

*

They get to Griffith Observatory at dusk, the sun dipping below the horizon and bathing the sky in pinks and oranges. The place is buzzing with tourists, and Buck keeps close to Chris’ side as they head towards the main doors.

“Where shall we go first, birthday boy? Start at the top or the bottom?” Despite being members and coming to the planetarium every few months, Chris always insisted on doing all the exhibits, relearning all the information and going to the live talks to hear about any space updates.

“Let’s start on the bottom floor and work up to the telescopes.” He decides, leading the charge. He’s in his absolute element here, reading the facts aloud to Buck and Eddie, who respond in kind with their own facts that they remember from previous visits. When they reach the roof, the lines for the telescopes are long, so Buck carries Chris on his back as they wait for their turn to give his legs a break. Afterwards, they head back out onto the lawn and Chris insists on joining a line to one of those telescopes alone while Buck and Eddie hang out against the wall a few feet away. Eddie rests his forearms on the ledge, looking out over the Los Angeles lights that sprawl in front of him. Buck leans his lower back on the wall next to Eddie, keeping an eye on Chris, who is now chatting happily with some kids in front of him.

“Today has been the perfect day.” Eddie murmurs. Buck turns his head to look at him - he’s looking straight forward, a soft, content smile on his face. Buck’s heart literally skips a beat.

“It has been. Chris has loved it.” He responds diplomatically. Eddie nods, eyes still on the horizon.

“And you?” He asks, his voice deceptively light even though Buck can hear the strain of worry behind it.

“And me.” Buck responds softly. Eddie turns to him then, smiling dazzlingly. They stay like that for a while, staring at each other, until Eddie straightens up slowly. He’s just a fraction closer to Buck than could be considered normal - it makes his heart race.

“Everyday with you is perfect though.” Eddie confesses. Buck sucks in a breath. “Even when there’s all this stuff between us, even when I’ve messed up and you’re upset with me and we’re fighting, just being around you for one minute makes it a perfect day.” Eddie steps even closer so Buck can feel his breath fluttering across his cheek, the way his chest rises and falls as if he’s run a marathon.

“You know, don’t you?” Eddie asks, his voice barely a whisper. “You have to know how I feel about you by now.”

Buck’s heart is pounding in anticipation as Eddie’s eyes drop to Buck’s lips, and he thinks this is it-

“Dad! Buck! I saw Saturn and its rings and SIX of its moons! It was so cool!” Chris’ voice breaks the spell as the sounds of their surroundings flood back in.

“Fuck.” Eddie breathes quietly as he steps away from Buck. He tries not to mourn the loss of contact too much - instead, he threads his fingers through Eddie’s, who jolts but squeezes back, his cheeks flushing.

“Swear jar.” Buck murmurs just before Chris reaches them. The birthday boy glances down at their hands before flashing a grin that could power the whole city.

“Today has been awesome.” He says enthusiastically. “Thank you!” He barrels forward, wrapping his arms around both of them.

Buck wholeheartedly agrees.

Chapter Text

“Alright team, listen up.” Bobby claps his hands together as the team gathers around him.

“We’ve got two victims stuck on a ledge about 30 feet down, one with a possible broken ankle and the other with a head injury. I’m concerned about how long they can hang on in this weather.” As if in response, thunder claps and the sky illuminates. “Eddie and Chim, I want you to head down there to assess and rescue; Buck, you’re on the ropes with Ravi. Hen, get ready for immediate transport up here. I reckon we have about 10 minutes until this cliff turns into a mudslide, so let’s work smart and work fast.” The team nod in response and peel off to their respective posts.

Eddie runs over to grab his gear, his heart pounding but his mind clear. This is his first rescue back after the collapse, and he’s finally feeling like himself again - the buzz to prove himself dissipated in the wake of the total belief in who he is and what he brings to the team. He steps into his harness with practiced ease, ensuring he’s all set before jogging over to Buck who is finishing up securing his lines and looks up at Eddie, a small smile on his face.

“Ready.” Eddie says when he gets to him, and Buck shakes his head, hands reaching out and pulling Eddie closer. Eddie’s heart starts to pound for a different reason as he gasps; Buck smirks as he begins to check over the harness and his helmet.

“Easy, cowboy.” Buck murmurs. “Just double checking.” Eddie chuckles weakly.

“What, you can’t trust me to do it properly?” He tries to joke, but it comes out more desperate and honest than he’d intended. Buck moves his hands from the harness to Eddie’s waist. Eddie can feel the brand of him through his turnouts and layers as Buck squeezes him. Eddie can’t make eye contact - stares instead unseeing at Buck’s chest.

“I trust you completely.” Buck says seriously, and Eddie’s eyes whip upwards as he hears the conviction in Buck’s voice. “I just can’t be too careful with you, Eddie. I need you safe.” He says, and Eddie honestly feels his knees go weak.

“Hey! Lovebirds! Quit flirting and let’s get our rescue on!” Chim shouts, already tacked up and ready to go over. Buck and Eddie smile at one another before stepping away - Buck clips Eddie in as Eddie mourns the loss of contact.

“Am I ready now, boss?” Eddie asks, Buck’s entire face lighting up as they head to their positions.

“You are now.” Buck nods at him once as he readies the rope. “I’ve got your back.” He says, loud enough to reach Eddie’s ears through the storm as he tips backwards over the edge. Eddie smiles as he descends.

*
“That was a damn good save earlier.” Buck says, coming around the back of the couch before flopping down, long limbs sprawling in all directions as his right leg settles over Eddie’s left. He passes Eddie a beer before taking a swig of his own, long fingers wrapped securely around the green bottle. Eddie can’t help but watch Buck’s adams apple bob as he swallows, a tiny drop of the beer escaping his lips and rolling down the side of his chin as he pulls it away, and Eddie loves him so fiercely it’s almost bursting out of him.

“Because of you.” He says instead, leaning over to wipe the drop away before Buck can get to it. Buck flushes but doesn’t say anything as Eddie settles closer next to him jostling his leg so that it ends up fully across Eddie’s lap. “Every save is a good one when you've got my back.” Buck glows under the compliment.

“Well then, all your saves will be good ones, because I’ve always got your back.” Eddie can feel the vow settle into his bones, and he knows, now. He knows that they’re good, and that they’re ready. He’s ready. He turns his torso so that he’s facing Buck fully.

“I love you.” He says, and Buck blows out a breath Eddie didn’t know he was holding, a breath that feels like he’d been holding for years. A breath that says finally.

“Eds-” Buck begins, but Eddie puts his hand over Buck’s lips, silencing him. He settles his bottle down on the table, plucking Buck’s bottle out of his grasp and putting that down too.

“Let me just - I need to say this okay? Let me say it.” He pleads, and Buck peels Eddie’s hand away from his mouth, threading their fingers together before kissing the back of Eddie’s hand and dropping them into his lap. His smile is blinding.

“Okay.” He murmurs. “Say it.” Eddie huffs, staring down at their joined hands. His heart is pounding so hard in his chest he’s sure Buck can hear the beats, but he knows that he needs to do this.

“I have been going through the motions since I returned from war.” He begins softly. “I was carrying on for Christopher. I’d get out of bed because he needed me to. Everything I was doing was because he needed me, because if I didn’t do it then who else would? I was living for him, but it wasn’t living, not really. It was as if I was a ghost, just floating through life with no real purpose. I felt like I’d died in that desert. Like I deserved to have died in that desert.

“But then I met you, and Buck, you brought me back to life. I live for me now - for the way you make me feel. I’m not a ghost anymore. You have breathed life back into my body and make me want to live everyday. Like I deserve to live every day.

“You have saved me in every way possible, and there is nothing I can do to repay you for that except love you with my entire being and I do, and I will, for as long as you’ll have me and probably even longer because you’re it for me, Evan.” He takes a deep breath, glancing up to see Buck’s face is covered in tears but still with that blinding smile. Eddie can feel Buck’s love like it’s the sun, warming his skin down to his bones. He untangles their fingers to wipe away Buck’s tears before resting his hands on either side of the man’s face. Buck tilts his head to kiss Eddie’s palm.

“Say it again.” He whispers against his skin.

“I love you, Buck.” He repeats fiercely, and Buck laughs, the sound a little wet but full of joy.

“Kiss me then.” He dares, and Eddie’s surging towards him before he even finishes the sentence.

Buck’s leg slips from Eddie’s lap as Eddie crowds Buck, pressing him back into the sofa. The kiss is brutal and bruising, filled with years of wanting and yearning. Buck moans as Eddie nips at his lower lip, and opens up beautifully for Eddie when he licks into his mouth. Eddie shifts until he’s straddling Buck, slips his fingers into Buck’s hair and lightly pulls on the soft strands, humming in delight as Buck lets out another moan, running his hands up and down Eddie’s body as if he doesn’t know where to settle them. As if he can’t get enough of him.

They pull apart to breathe, Eddie only going far enough away to start pressing little kisses all over Buck’s face before returning to his lips. Buck’s smile is content now, radiating love and peace even while looking thoroughly devoured. Buck leans his forehead against Eddie’s, sighing softly.

“If we do this, I need you to know I’m all in. For always.” Buck breathes into the space between them. Eddie shifts backwards so he can look Buck in the eye. “I can’t do this if we’re just going to break up a few months down the line because we can’t communicate properly. Losing you… it would destroy me, Eddie.” It tugs at Eddie’s chest, the idea of them being apart when it’s taken them so long to come together.

“Good job we’re in couples therapy then.” He quips, and Buck snorts and slaps Eddie lightly on the hip.

“I’m serious, Eddie.” He whines, and Eddie shifts his hands so they’re under Buck’s chin, encouraging him to lift his dropped gaze.

“So am I, cariño.” He responds. “There is no ‘if we do this’ for me. I love you, I will always love you, and I will always fight for you and to you no matter what. And that includes staying in couples therapy for as long as we need to.” He strokes Buck’s face, thumb resting on the birthmark above his brow before he presses a light kiss to it, which puts another soft smile on Buck’s face. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get here, but I’m with you now. And I’m never leaving you again.” It’s a vow, one he means with his entire being. Buck leans forward and kisses Eddie sweetly, softly, and Eddie feels a little like he’s being remade.

“Fucking hell, Eds, you were worth the wait.” Buck whispers against his lips, and Eddie glows.

“Swear jar.” He murmurs back, before swallowing Buck’s indignant squawk.

*

“So.” Dr Sandri eyes their clasped hands resting on the sofa between each other. Eddie shifts under the scrutiny, and Buck squeezes his hand reassuringly. “Seems like there’s been some progress since our last meeting.” Her tone is neutral, but Eddie is almost confident she is fighting a smile.

“Yeah, uh, we worked some stuff out.” Buck stammers, grinning.

“I see.” She says, sounding unsurprised as she shuffles some papers around on her lap. Eddie exchanges a glance with Buck, who winks at Eddie in return and makes him all hot under the collar. “Ah, here it is.” Dr Sandri exclaims, pulling out a sheet and tapping it lightly. “I have your questionnaires here from your first session.” And oh no, Eddie suddenly knows exactly what she’s about to say. He narrows his eyes at her, but she just raises her eyebrow back in challenge and he wilts.

Buck watches the exchange with a furrow in his brow that Eddie wants to smooth out, preferably with his tongue.

“Do you remember what you wrote down in response to these questions?” She asks genially, and Eddie hates her a tiny bit (not at all, really, but still).

“Not really?” Buck says, questioning. “I remember that it was all questions about the current relationship with your spouse and what you’d like to get out of therapy, and I remember being confused as to what to put because, well, we didn’t exactly fit in that definition.” He shifts closer to Eddie, a soft smile on his face, the one Eddie thinks is just for him now. Dr Sandri just hums in response.

“And you, Eddie? Do you remember what you wrote?” She asks. “I have it here if you need a refresher.” She offers, and Eddie glares at her with what he hopes is the fire of a thousand suns, but is probably just as intimidating as a chihuahua.

“No, I remember.” He grits out. She nods encouragingly, and he sighs. “The question was ‘how would you define the state of your relationship with your spouse as it currently is?’ And I said something like… a mess, because I love him so much I can’t look at him but I can’t do it right. Something about needing to be a person who deserves to love him, and be loved by him. And I think I said that this was the only thing I could see helping me get there.” He can feel his cheeks burning, and Buck’s gaze is a brand on him. When he gathers the courage to look at Buck, the man’s jaw is practically on the floor.

“You wrote all that?” He croaks, and Eddie nods in response. “I think I wrote some bullshit about closing the distance between us so we could work better or something, and you wrote about how you loved me so much you couldn’t look at me?”

“He actually wrote ‘I love him so much that when I look at him it feels like I’m looking at the sun because he’s so pure and I want to be worthy of that purity’ with absolutely no punctuation.” Dr Sandri puts in, and Eddie sighs.

“Isn’t that, like, confidential, doc?” He whines as Buck preens.

“You love me.” He crows. “You think I’m pure and you love me.” Eddie flops his head backwards against the cushions of the couch.

“It isn’t confidential because you are in couples therapy, Eddie, which means everything we discuss here is between the three of us, including those questionnaires.” Dr Sandri explains like he’s a child and he groans, wiping a hand over his face. Eddie feels Buck shift and his lips press against Eddie’s cheek and he can’t help but smile in response.

“Fine, it’s fine, it’s not as if he doesn’t know now anyway.” Eddie sighs, sitting back up and noticing Dr Sandri smiling fondly at him.

“And do you feel worthy of loving him now, Eddie?” She asks softly. He looks back at Buck, and it’s still like looking at the sun, except instead of blinding him it engulfs him.

“Yes.” He says simply, and Buck shines. Dr Sandri nods approvingly.

“In that first meeting, you both said you wanted to bridge the - and I’m quoting Evan verbatim here - ‘huge chasm of crap’ between you both.” Eddie snorts as it’s Buck’s turn to flush red.

“Swear jar, doc.” Buck grumbles. Dr Sandri ignores him.

“Do you feel like you’ve achieved this? And that, as we discussed, you’ve moved your relationship forward?” She asks. Eddie looks at Buck and holds his gaze, sees the future they’ll have together sprawl out in front of him as far as the eye can see.

“It felt like we were so far apart I couldn’t really see him.” Eddie murmurs softly, not breaking Buck’s warm gaze. “I can see him now.” There’s that smile again, the one made just for Eddie.

“Yes doc.” Buck replies. “We’re moving forward.”

Chapter Text

Dr Miranda Sandri takes a sip of her mojito as she waits in the small dive bar three blocks away from her office, a well-worn copy of Little Women in front of her. It’s a book she’s read a thousand times, the copy previously owned by her mother and the pages are dark brown and curling, water damage from when her water bottle leaked in her bag way back in college.

It’s 6pm on a Friday, finally the weekend after a long, arduous week. She fiddles with the bookmark in her hand, thinking about hiking the Hills tomorrow morning with her partner and their dog Apollo before it gets too hot, when someone falls into the seat opposite her with a huff.

“Aren’t we a little old to be sipping cocktails on a Friday night at a hip bar?” Isabella exclaims, taking a large gulp of her margarita and sighing with happiness, the salt from the rim clinging to the edges of her mouth. She chases the grains with her tongue, looking at least a decade younger than she is with her blonde hair down and her eyes bright.

“No-one says hip anymore, Isabella.” Miranda teases, tangling their fingers together and smiling as Isabella rolls her eyes.

“Well I say it, so respect your elders.” She grumbles with that twinkle in her eye that Miranda loves. She holds out her mojito and Isabella knocks their glasses together before they both take another sip, smiling at one another.

“Dr Sandri! Dr Copeland! You’re not cheersing to our success without me, are you?” Frank rolls up next to them, indignant as he puts his pint of IPA on the table next to them. Isabella laughs, shifting over to make room for their friend.

“Without you, Frank? Never.” They cheers again, descending into chatter about their weeks.

The trio met almost fourteen years ago at a Stanford Psychology graduate mixer. Frank and Isabella had graduated first and second in the class of ‘01 (Frank would tell you who got what didn’t matter because they were best friends; Isabella would let you know she was first), while Miranda had graduated 7 years later. Miranda and Isabella had started dating shortly thereafter, and been inseparable ever since.

Of course, the one thing they never spoke about was their patients - they were far too professional to breach the confidentiality agreement. However, a year and a half ago, Isabella gained a new client who had reached out to do online sessions. She found out he was a member of the LAFD, so reached out to Frank for some tips on how to help him process some very recent trauma he had gone through. Isabella had known that Frank had been working with the LAFD for a few years at this point, and as he specialized in trauma therapy, it had seemed like the best step forward to help her new client, who she was very fond of already.

“I don’t expect you to tell me his name,” Frank had said after she’d explained some of the horrific things her client had been through. “But does he by chance work at the 118?”

After doing some deep-diving over a bottle of merlot, they soon realised that their clients were partners in the field - and it was clear as anything from the videos they’d found on YouTube, they were in love.

They just didn’t know it yet.

“No but, hear me out -” Frank hiccuped, over what was maybe his sixth glass of wine. “We should get them together.” Isabella had snorted into her own wine glass.

“And how would we do that, exactly?” She asked, her words decidedly not slurring together. “They aren’t a couple, and Ev - oops, I mean - my client refuses to talk about Edd - no, wait - your client.”

“What about - oh! I’ve got it!” Frank tried to snap his fingers together, but only succeeded in sloshing his wine onto the couch. “Couples therapy! We send them to Miranda!”

And so, it was decided - Frank, being the one that Eddie was discussing his trauma with, rather than Isabella who was struggling to get Buck to open up about anything that wasn’t to do with his parents (and boy, that was enough to fill months of sessions with), would bring up the idea of couples therapy to Eddie, and refer him to Miranda, who had the wonderful job of trying to help them process their trauma enough to get together.

“And let me tell you guys,” Miranda says now, shaking her head as she thinks about the past few months with her new clients. “Those two were a tough nut to crack. I’ve never met two people so in love and yet so oblivious to it. There were times I just wanted to grab their heads and push them together like barbie dolls to make them kiss.” She pauses to take a gulp of her mojito. “Maybe if I had, they’d have gotten there quicker.”

“Well, we’re here now.” Frank says cheerfully, raising his glass once more to the center of the table. Miranda and Isabella meet him there, holding their own glasses up as well. “To Evan and Eddie! And, to us!” Frank toasts, and the three of them laugh as their glasses clink together.

*

“Buck, isn’t this place a little too fancy for us?” Eddie whines as his boyfriend drags him by the hand towards the small dive bar. “I’d honestly be fine with a beer and a pizza on the couch.” Buck comes to a halt at those words, sending Eddie careening into his back at the abrupt stop. Buck turns around, indignant.

“Eddie, this is our first date as an Official Couple. I want to show you off, wine and dine you a bit, make it perfect. You deserve it.” And, well… Eddie doesn’t blush, because he’s a grown man and not a teenage girl, but…

“Okay.” He runs his hands up Buck’s arms, joining them behind Buck’s neck. “If you must show me off, then fine. But I want the record to state that I don’t care where we have our first date, because anywhere with you is perfect.” Buck’s answering smile could power the whole of Los Angeles, and he leans forward to press a soft kiss to Eddie’s lips.

“You’re a sap.” He murmurs as he pulls away, and Eddie laughs, pushing Buck in the chest lightly before capturing his hand again.

“Come on, let’s get this over with so I can take you home.” He responds, and it’s Buck’s turn to go red as they enter the bar.

The place is packed, but they manage to grab a small table further back. Eddie goes to grab the drinks, and Buck uses the time to people watch the other patrons enjoying their evenings. Eddie returns shortly with two of their favorite IPAs, clinking their glasses together before taking a long sip. Eddie tangles their fingers together, and they start discussing the team's latest drama (Ravi and Chim are in a deep prank war with one another that resulted in a stern lecture from Bobby and the firehouse covered in glitter).

Buck is midway through a story about finding glitter in his locker when he hears their names through the chatter of the bar.

“Hey, did you hear - holy fucking shitballs.” He breathes. Eddie chokes on his drink.

“Swear jar, and also what the hell kind of swear was that?!” Eddie laughs, but Buck just lifts a finger, pointing to the other corner of the room. Eddie follows his gaze, and -

“No fucking way.”

He sees Frank first, and then almost falls off his chair when he spots Dr Sandri next to him. There’s a third person at the table who he doesn’t recognise.

“Is that…” he starts, trailing off.

“Dr Sandri.” Buck confirms. “And Dr Copeland. And…”

“Frank. It’s fucking Frank.” Eddie says, laughing in shock.

“Wait, our therapists know each other?!” Buck laughs as well, surprise coloring his words.

“I mean, I guess it’s not too surprising. LA is a therapists wet dream, there are loads of fucked up people here. It must be a veritable feeding ground for them.” Eddie responds.

“Should we go over there, say hi?” Buck wonders. “I mean, I’m pretty sure I heard our names over there. Do you think they’re talking about us?”

“I think you’re being a little paranoid, Buck.” Eddie says, eyes crinkling with fondness. “Why would they be saying our names? There’s a high chance they don’t even realize they’ve got us in common - how many patients do they all have?” Buck tilts his head in acknowledgment.

“I still think we should go over and say hello. Wouldn’t it be rude not to?” He asks, and Eddie rolls his eyes.

“No, Buck. Let’s just enjoy our night and leave them to it. I’m still waiting to be wined and dined - so far, I have no wine or dinner, and I bought these drinks.” Buck splutters indignantly, and Eddie can’t help but lean over and give him a kiss on the cheek to soothe him.

A few (read: many) drinks later and Buck has edged his chair so it’s next to Eddie’s instead of opposite, his arm draped around Eddie’s shoulder and fingers still interlocked with Eddie’s as the man rants about the audacity of his parents inviting the three of them to El Paso for Christmas.

“Hey.” Buck interrupts as Eddie draws breath for a second wind. “I want to go over there, and thank them.”

“Who?” Eddie asks, the beers and his proximity to Buck fogging his cognitive functions.

“The therapists.” Buck clarifies. “I want to thank them for helping us get our heads out of our asses. Therapy fucking rules, man.” Eddie laughs, burrowing closer into Buck’s chest, reveling in the warmth.

“It does, and also swear jar.” He says. “But it looks like you’re gonna miss your chance.” He nods over at the table, where the three therapists are putting on their coats ready to leave.

“Hey. Hey!” Buck calls loudly across the room, trying to catch their attention. “Hey, Dr Sandri, Dr Copeland! It’s me! Buck! And Eddie!”

The three therapists freeze, before slowly turning towards the source of the noise. Eddie can’t help but giggle at the shock on their faces.

“Shit.” They say, almost in unison, and Eddie for the life of him can’t figure out why it’s so funny, but it is. He looks at Buck, who grins down at him, before they both turn to the therapists and shout;

“Swear jar!”

fin