Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Onboarding

When door to the bridge glided open, Kaidan saw the ballcap and didn’t even need to guess who was underneath it.  “Ah hell, they’re letting you fly this thing?”

A toothy grin spread over Jeff Moreau’s face and he slapped his palm – carefully – into Kaidan’s offered hand, giving it a shake, “Come on, Alenko, who else were they gonna trust to carry your precious ass through the stars?”

“It’s good to see you, Joker.”

Moreau adjusted his cap, “Of course it is, I’m delightful.  Sit down, I know you wanna take a look.”

Kaidan sat in the co-pilot chair and took in the shiny new console before him.  The backlit gauges and screens illuminated the bridge in a soft, orange glow.  The Normandy was on the cutting edge, he salivated a little just thinking about what lay beneath the panels – all the circuits and capacitors and wires Kaidan could have ever asked for.

“Beautiful, ain’t she?”

Kaidan chuckled and spun the chair to face his friend, “Beats the hell out of the Actium.”

Feigning offense, Moreau scoffed at him, “Hey!  The Actium was a good ship!  She served us admirably…”  His expression shifted back into that smirk that Kaidan knew so well, “But you’re right, I’m in love.  Can’t wait to finally get her out of dock.”

“You’re gonna have to wait at least another week.”  Kaidan folded his hands behind his head, trying to get comfortable in his new home for the foreseeable future – not the most breathable seat, but that was the Alliance for you.  “The new XO isn’t due to be on the station for a while.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.  You’d think a spec ops marine would be punctual, but NO.  She’s gotta hold everyone up!”

Kaidan’s smile broadened, “Well, don’t let Commander Shepard hear you say that – she’s an N7.  She could kill you with a napkin and a ballpoint pen.”

“Alenko, anyone could kill me with a napkin and a ballpoint pen.  But, when you say it that way, sounds kinda hot, you know, if you’re into that sort of thing.”

“Being into the XO is not on my to-do list for this tour.”

Moreau waved at him dismissively, “Ah, you’re no fun.”

“I’m lots of fun.”

“Only when you’re losing bets.  We’ll need to come up with some good ones for this cruise.” He levered himself out of the pilot’s chair and grabbed his crutches.  “Come on, I’ll show you the galley and you can make me the first decent cup of coffee I’ve had in months.  I’m tired of having to throw them in the trash.”

Kaidan grinned and followed him off the bridge, “I guess I’m on coffee duty for this tour, too?”

“You’re damn right you are.  Who else am I gonna trust not to fuck it up?”

“You say the sweetest things, Joker.”

Moreau looked back at him and winked, “Well, I am the most charming motherfucker you know.  Come on, galley’s this way.”

Offboarding

Kaidan leaned back against the observation deck railing, coffees in hand, “Hey, Joker.”

Moreau sat on the nearby bench – hunched over and focused on a spot on the floor in front of him, pointedly not looking at Kaidan.  They’d hadn’t seen each other since the memorial, just a couple clipped messages back and forth.  But Kaidan had finally been on Arcturus Station at the same time as Moreau and asked to see him, due in no small part because Anderson had insisted that he bury whatever hatchet was still between them.  And perhaps talk Moreau into complying with what the Alliance was asking of him.

He’d been surprised when Moreau agreed.  Kaidan honestly didn’t believe he’d come – that he’d be standing there alone, holding two cups of coffee like an asshole – but it wasn’t the first time Moreau had proved him wrong.  Kaidan hoped it wasn’t the last.  “I brought coffee.”

He set one of the cups next to Moreau on the bench and retreated back to the railing.  Moreau glanced at it and then returned his gaze back to where he was attempting to bore a hole through the deck with a muttered, “Thanks.”

 Kaidan sighed and sipped from his own cup – too bitter.  Dammit.  “I’m glad you came.”

“No, you’re not.”

Glad is probably the wrong word…

Defeated and brooding was not the tone he was used to in Jeff Moreau.  It stabbed him under the ribs.  In all reality, Kaidan should still be furious with him – should hate him.  But seeing him crumpled and self-flagellating…Moreau was doing more to himself than Kaidan ever could.  It wasn’t hate in Kaidan’s heart – hell, it wasn’t even pity – he empathized with Moreau.  Survivor’s guilt had ravaged each and every one of them.

“What did you want?”

“Mostly to see how you are doing, been trying to keep tabs on you.  I know being grounded has been hard.”  Moreau snorted and Kaidan sighed again.  “If you actually went to any of your therapy appointments, Joker—”

Moreau cut him off, voice icy and hard, “I don’t need therapy, Alenko.  I need to fly.  And I definitely don’t need your fucking lecture.”

This wasn’t how he wanted this conversation to go… “Jeff, please.  Don’t shut me out.”

Moreau finally tipped his head up and glared at Kaidan, green eyes bloodshot and tired.  He looked like he hadn’t slept in months.  “What are you gonna do about it?  Throw another table at me?”

Shame squeezed Kaidan’s lungs.  He hadn’t meant to throw the table in the med bay of the Manila – he’d let his anger and guilt over losing Alice snap his closely guarded control and he’d flared, scaring the hell out of both Moreau and Dr. Chakwas. 

No one had been at their best that day and certainly not Kaidan. 

“Okay, I deserved that.”  He drew in a steadying breath, “And I am still sorry.”

Moreau didn’t look away.  “I know.” 

“Let’s start over.”  He glanced at the empty space next to Moreau’s untouched coffee cup, “Can I sit?”

Moreau shrugged, “There’s not a thing I can do to stop you.”

Kaidan took the empty seat and rested his elbows on his knees, “This last year has been…”  He searched for the right word.

“It fucking sucked.”

He puffed out a small, humorless laugh, “Yeah, it has.”

“Shepard’s dead.”  Another stab in Kaidan’s ribs.  “She’s dead and I might as well be, too.  I’m walking around like a zombie…”

“It doesn’t have to be that way.  You could—”

Kaidan was cut off again.  “Full offense, Alenko, I don’t think you get to dictate what is and isn’t a healthy behavior.  Doubt you’ve been going to all of your therapy appointments either, hypocrite.”

Moreau always could get to the root quickly.

“But they didn’t ground you.  In fact, I heard you’re Hackett and Anderson’s new pet – a shiny invitation to ICT and everything.”  He turned to face Kaidan, cheeks burning bright vermillion, “You’ve got something to bury yourself in.  Something to help you forget.  So, don’t tell me that it ‘doesn’t have to be that way.’”

“None of this has been easy for me either.”  Grief and frustration bubbled up in his voice, “Her death hurts me too, you know.”

Moreau huffed, “I’ll tell you what I know.  I knew that ship like the back of my fucking hand – I know everything that went down on that ship.  Could probably tell you the exact number of times you snuck in and out of her quarters…” 

“Stop.”

“What’s wrong?  You’ve got the grief market cornered because you ended up in Shepard’s bed?”  Kaidan knew that look in Moreau’s eyes – he was lashing out at him.  Kaidan half-expected a punch, it looked like Moreau expected one, too; Kaidan had to unclench his fists.  “Why did you invite me here, Kaidan?  What do you want from me?”

Kaidan let out a long sigh and leaned back against the bench.  This was hopeless, and frankly, Kaidan didn’t know what he wanted anymore.  It was clear that this wasn’t a good time to bury anything between them.  “I don’t want anything from you.”

“Great, I’ve got a thing to get to anyway.  Good talk, Alenko.”  Moreau rose unsteadily to his feet and grabbed his crutches and the now cold cup of coffee Kaidan had offered him.  “Thanks for the coffee.”

“Talk to you later, Joker.”

“If I’m still on the station next time you’re here,” Moreau grumbled and stalked away from Kaidan, dropping the coffee into a waste receptacle.

Kaidan stared off through the observation window to the shimmering sea of stars beyond and muttered, “Yeah, good talk.”

Chapter Text

Onboarding

Kaidan rubbed the sleep, and the remnants of headache, from his eye as he rounded the corner into the galley.  It had been a hard night between the pain in his head and the ringing in his ears and he needed caffeine – stat.  In his dazed walk to the coffee pot, he almost didn’t register one of the Normandy’s newest crewmates sitting at the table, poking at his breakfast paste.

Kaidan opened the container of coffee grounds and scooped some out, “Good morning.”

Garrus lifted his head, “Good morning, Lieutenant Alenko.”

“You settling in okay?” he mashed the button on the coffee maker.  The machine whirred and dark, steaming mercy flowed into the waiting mug.  The aroma tickled his nose and he felt a little more alive with each passing second.

“Been a little while since I’ve lived on a ship, but Normandy feels familiar enough that it can easily be home.”

“Glad to hear it,” Kaidan emptied three sugar packets into his coffee and gave it a stir.  The first sip was always heaven after a night like the one he’d just had and this one didn’t disappoint.  Perfect.  He meandered to the table and motioned to the chair across from Garrus, “Mind if I sit?”

Garrus cocked his head to the side with a twitch of mandible – bemused wasn’t a look that Kaidan was sure he’d ever seen on a turian before, but it radiated clear as day, “Please do, Lieutenant.”

“Thanks.”

“Long night?” Garrus pushed his breakfast to the side and leaned forward.  His sharp eyes zeroed in on Kaidan’s, making him feel like he was being sized up as an ally…or a threat. 

“Bit of a headache,” he shrugged and continued drinking his coffee, “Nothing a little caffeine won’t fix.”

Garrus nodded and silence yawned between them.  Kaidan got through about two more sips of his coffee before Garrus shifted uncomfortably in his seat and sat back, keeping his attention on Kaidan, “So…you’re biotic.”

Kaidan took a mental note, Not good with the quiet, hmm?  “I am.”

“You handled yourself well in the clinic.  I’m impressed with your skills.  Are all human biotics as powerful as you and the commander?”

The dread crawling up his neck was unwelcome.  He hadn’t been expecting an interrogation so early in the morning, but he supposed a detective wouldn’t break the habit overnight.  The last vestiges of his migraine weren’t going down without a fight either, raising his dander to new heights.  “Hard to say.  We have two different…configurations, as it were.  Hers is a newer set up.”

“Oh?”  Curiosity shone bright on Garrus’s face, “With results like yours, hard to believe that the Alliance moved away from what they wired you with.”

Well, he may as well get this part over with. 

“I’m a lucky case.  There were drawbacks for my iteration that weren’t worth the end results, but don’t worry.  Out in the field, I have your back, one hundred percent.”

“Good to know.”  Garrus began prodding at his breakfast again and Kaidan took the opportunity to refill his mug.  The third sugar dissolved into the coffee as Garrus spoke again, tone casual.  “You know, the Hierarchy would have kept your configuration and accepted the consequences.  Our soldiers make the sacrifices, biotics included.  Shame to hear the Alliance wasn’t willing to do the same.”

I’ll take the busted wiring over being shoved into a cabal.

It was too damn early in the morning for a diplomatic incident that Shepard would need to smooth over later.  And he sure as shit didn’t want to disappoint her.

Kaidan kept his own tone as professional as he could, shoving back the pain behind his eye, “Perhaps it’s just a difference in culture.  I don’t know if we could accept the extreme level of isolation that turian biotics go through.”

Garrus froze, spoon halfway to his mouth.  “You’ve met a turian biotic?”

Old, unpleasant memories jabbed his guts.  “A few.”

“I see.”  Garrus squirmed, on the defensive now, “Well, that puts you one up on me.”

A little smile pulled at Kaidan’s lips, “I hope we can give you a better understanding of what working with biotic teammates is like, then.  It’ll be beneficial all around.  Happy to have you aboard, Vakarian.” He raised his mug to Garrus and headed to the stairs, leaving Garrus to sputter out a choked acknowledgment as he walked past. 

His head felt better already.

Offboarding

It felt like Garrus was running away, no matter how much he insisted to the contrary.  Kaidan couldn’t really blame Garrus though, trudging out to the Terminus Systems was a tempting notion, but there was too much tying him here. 

And for Kaidan, it really would be running away.

“Well, now who am I going to bother whenever I’m on the Citadel?” He thanked the bartender as they set his old-fashioned in front of him.

Garrus chuckled and swirled the deep blue liquid in his own glass, “Oh, is that why you call?  And here I thought it was because you missed my sonorous voice.”

Kaidan sipped his cocktail with a smirk, “Added bonus.” 

“Naturally.”

They drank in companionable quiet, but Garrus never was one to let it carry on for long.  “You were away for quite a while this time.”

Indeed.  Anderson and Hackett had been keeping him busy and that was before they shoved him bodily into ICT.  As much as he’d grumbled about it at the time, he’d appreciated the distraction, it kept some of the ghosts at bay. 

Hazy sunlight filters in through the blinds, but that’s not all that warms them, tangled up in each other.  ‘Would you ever go to the Villa if they invited you?’ 

But not nearly enough of them, though. 

Kaidan grimaced into his glass, “N2 was...tough.  Made it by the skin of my teeth.”

Garrus shook his head, “You never give yourself the right amount of credit, Alenko.”

Sure, that was probably true.  She’d always said as much.  “Let’s blame it on my faulty Alliance wiring, eh?”

An awkward laugh spilled out of Garrus’s mouth, “Okay, yeah, I deserve that.” 

Kaidan grinned, “Always do.”

They continued to imbibe in a poor attempt to avoid the topics that hurt too much to talk about.  The two of them had survived long enough to get to this farewell drink – Kaidan by following her orders, Garrus by being in whole other quadrant.  And guilt bowed both of their spines.

Kaidan signaled the bartender for another round, “You heard from anyone?”

Draining the last of his brandy and sliding the glass away, Garrus shrugged, “Not counting you?  Just Tali.”

He wasn’t terribly surprised; Tali was easily the most sociable out of their motley crew, bless her.  And it didn’t hurt that she’d had a soft spot for Garrus.  “Same here.  She checked in not that long ago.  I think she worries.” 

Garrus nodded, subharmonics rumbling – there were notes of fondness.  His mandibles flicked out and he anxiously twisted a napkin around a finger, “Nothing out of Joker?  He wasn’t discharged, was he?”

Fresh cocktails were placed in front of them and the bartender mercifully made themselves scare once more.

“Ah…” Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, the echoes of harsh words shared between him and Moreau bounced around his skull, “No.  Still on leave as far as I know.”

An understanding washed over Garrus’s facial plates and he sighed, “Yeah, he’s not taking my calls either.”  There was no answer for that other than to clink glasses in a toast of unspoken regret.

By round four, Garrus had begun to blur at the edges of Kaidan’s vision.  It felt nice.  Welcome, even. 

The toasts to the things gained and lost around round six were less welcome, but necessary.  “If the spirits indeed do exist,” Garrus slurred, “May they carry her until we all meet again.”

Kaidan could only nod, and drink, in agreement.

He paid the tab for the two of them.  “Call it a going away present, Vakarian,” he said when Garrus started to protest, “My treat.”

“I’ll get the next one.”

Kaidan’s heart sank, there was no telling when the next one would be now.  Damn, he was so sick of saying good-bye.

The two of them walked – well, staggered if Kaidan was honest – down to the next level, the too-bright lights danced and swam in Kaidan’s vision.  He’d earned the migraine that was sure to come.  But, if he was lucky, he’d be too exhausted to dream of things that haunted his sleep as much as it did his waking hours.

He was never that lucky.

The fast travel station was just ahead and Kaidan came to a stop, Garrus stumbling to his about two steps later.  They leaned against the railing and watched the skycars whiz past.  Kaidan had to close his eyes to keep from getting dizzy.

With a shuddering breath, he opened them once more and faced Garrus, “Will you let me know that you arrived all right?”

“You wanna know if I am safely within pirate-infested space?” Garrus snorted.

It did sound silly.  “Yes, tell me that you are safe in whatever hellhole you managed to find yourself in when you get there, please…  For me.”

Garrus nudged him with his shoulder, harder than he likely intended, knocking Kaidan off-balance.  He caught him and held on.  “Yeah, I’ll let you know when I get there.” 

The humor left Garrus’s voice and a faraway look crept in, “I don’t need her coming back from across the void to haunt me because I forgot to call again.”

A squeeze inside his chest.  Kaidan forced a rueful smile up at Garrus, “And she would.”

They walked the rest of the way to the station in silence.  Garrus punched the keys to call up the next car – a shiny blue door glided open, beckoning him inside.

Kaidan held his hand out, “Take care of yourself.”

Garrus grasped Kaidan’s five fingers within his three, “You too, Kaidan.”

The handshake went on a little longer than it should have, neither seemed willing to let the other go.  Kaidan yanked Garrus forward into a hug – smirking at Garrus’s startled yelp. 

Hugging turians was a pokey business.

Kaidan finally let him go, “Good-bye, Garrus.”

“I owe you for all those drinks,” Garrus slid into the car with a groan.  “I’m gonna make good on that.”

One more wave from them both before the door closed.  Kaidan watched the skycar until it was a tiny dot, disappearing over the ward.  The old loneliness closed back in around him and with a pounding head, he called his own skycar to take him back to a tiny Alliance apartment and the bad dreams that certainly waited for him there.